


The Surrogate

by Inked11



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 09:03:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 52
Words: 451,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20598200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inked11/pseuds/Inked11
Summary: Ashlyn Harris has a problem that she is desperate to solve. Ali Krieger has a unique set of skills that can solve that problem. Can Ali's skills bring Ashlyn relief, or do more complications arise?





	1. Muscle Memory

**Author's Note:**

> She's baaaack! And again, it's not with a sequel to one of my other fics. I just haven't had the time required to get back into my prior characters in order to write a proper sequel (sorry!). Despite life being very busy, I'm still writing for fun when I have the time.  
If you've read my other works, you'll know what to expect from this new story... longer detailed chapters, some dark pasts, plenty of fun banter and fluff, and of course, smut! While I usually write what I know, this story is a complete departure from that approach. I happened to read an article about a very intriguing profession, did some research, and just ran with it. So, we'll see what you think when I'm writing something more off-the-cuff. 
> 
> I call this one, the fast slow-burn (no other warning, just expect smut at any turn)...enjoy :-)

“Yes Rach…mmm, god yeah…fuck…” Ashlyn’s hips lift off the bed a bit, one fist clutching red hair, the other fist wrapped in the sheets. The warm tongue lapping at her clit feels incredible, her body building quickly towards release. “Just like that…unnh, please…” She grunts out, feeling her stomach muscles start to flutter and her legs loosening up enough to spread a bit wider as she pulls her girl’s head in closer.

_So close, so fucking close…just a little mor_e…hands drag up her legs and the delicious ache deep inside her belly starts to fade a bit. _Focus, you can do this…_ “Right there… just stay…fucking…right there…” She practically begs and fixates on the tongue swirling over her swollen bud. Fingertips find her inner thigh now and the mounting energy inside practically comes to a halt. _No, no, no, come on…_

She opens her eyes and wills herself to stay focused. She finds Rachel’s blue eyes down between her legs, lets herself feel the silky red hair against her palm…_it’s Rachel._ She works to hone back in on the gentle suction on her clit, letting her legs loosen up a bit again. “Mmm…ohhh…” A finger circles her entrance and every pelvic muscle locks up tight. _No, not again_.

Her eyes fly open again to register the blue eyes and red hair, but the message doesn’t reach her body…the tongue on her center not Rachel, the hand on her hip not Rachel, the finger stroking through her folds not Rachel. _No, please…it’s Rachel, it’s Rachel. _Her mind repeats the mantra, but the pleasurable build-up is gone and retreating quickly into a panic. A fingertip gently prods her entrance, trying to wiggle in… “Ow, ow, fuck, stop.” Ashlyn grimaces at the stinging pain and feels the hand immediately pull away.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Ashlyn apologizes trying not to tear up as she wills her body to unclench.

“It’s ok, honey. It’s ok.” Rachel’s soft voice tries to soothe her, but Ashlyn has already heard the discontented sigh that filled the air before that.

“Just…go back to what you were doing before…please.” Ashlyn directs and pulls Rachel’s head in again, trying to relax back into it. The moment is lost though, the release now fleeting and evasive as usual. _Fuck. _The guilt in her gut pulls away her attention and she lets out a few strategic loud moans to get this over with, a purposeful canting of her hips, a quick tightening of her quads to make them shake a bit. “Fuck Rach, I’m coming… mmmm…fuuuuck.” _Another faked orgasm._

“You ok?” Rachel is propped up on her elbows, looking up at her from between her legs.

“Yeah. That was great… you’re amazing. Thank you.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Rachel sighs and climbs up her body, quickly pecking her lips. “Ashlyn?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn doesn’t meet her eyes, she knows that tone. That fucking pitying tone…it was only a matter of time.

“I don’t think this is working.” Rachel says sympathetically.

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn barely mumbles and rolls over.

“Ashlyn, come on…just look at me, please?” Rachel implores her gently and hears Ashlyn let out a deep breath before rolling back over.

“What?” Ashlyn says a bit defiantly. She could feel this coming a few weeks ago.

“Look, I knew what I was getting into. You were honest right from the beginning and so was I. You’re an amazing person, an incredible one. It was well worth the try to make it work, ok? I thought I had the inner strength to work through this with you, I really did. And right from the start, I told you that I’d be honest if that changed. So, I’m being honest right now.” Rachel explains kindly.

“Yeah I know, Rach. Thank you, I do appreciate that.” Ashlyn softens a bit.

“Ashlyn, you’re sweet, driven, smart, successful, sexy, and more caring than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re truly someone I could see myself falling completely in love with and marrying. But hon, honestly, my heart can’t do it and I just can’t get there when I know that somewhere your mind and body are with your ex.” Rachel runs her hand lightly up and down Ashlyn’s arm. “I’m trying, but I can’t make this work when I feel so torn up inside every time your body reacts to someone who isn’t even here. I wish I could keep trying. I really like you, Ashlyn… but I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m frayed.”

“Okay, I understand. It’s ok, Rach. I get it and I don’t blame you. I really like you too and I wanted this to work…I…I’m really sorry.” Ashlyn replies sadly. “Thanks for being nice about…well, everything really. I know it was asking a lot and putting a lot of strain on your emotions. I really am sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, honey. Please don’t. It’s not your fault. This is not something you can really control, I promise that I understand that. I wish it wasn’t too much on me, I really do.” Rachel says sweetly. “I know someday this whole thing is gonna release its grip on you and it’s going to be wonderful. I truly believe that. You deserve the world, Ashlyn. And you’ll get it.”

“So do you, Rach. Just wish I could have been it.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Well hey, who knows, right? Maybe another time and another place. Maybe our paths will cross again and we’ll have found each other in the right moment.” Rachel smiles.

“Yeah, maybe.” Ashlyn smiles back even as her mind scoffs at the notion, knowing that it will never happen. Her body will make damn sure of that, trust lost is trust lost. She already learned that about herself the hard way and she’s still battling it daily.

“I guess I should go.” Rachel gets up and quickly puts on her clothes, looking around and gathering the few things she that has at Ashlyn’s place before putting her hair up in a sloppy bun. “Take care of yourself, Ashlyn. And seriously, please don’t forget how amazing of a person you are. Don’t let this knock you down because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it, that’s on me. Anything you need, you always have my number.” Rachel leans to plant one more lingering kiss oh her lips. “See you around, cutie.”

“Yeah, ok. Thanks for hanging in with me and giving it a serious try. You take care too.” Ashlyn doesn’t bother getting up from the bed, watching the redhead smile one more time and walk out of the bedroom. What’s worse is that it doesn’t even feel all that hurtful right now, just mechanic.

_Six months wasted._

_\-------_

“So, she just left. I held it together until she left…it almost felt robotic really, like numbness. It took like 40 minutes after she walked out for all the emotions to really hit me. Then I pretty much let myself fall apart for a couple days. Now I’m trying to pull it back together. And here I am back at square one…again.” Ashlyn finishes recounting this week’s happenings to her sex therapist, Nancy. She lets out a deep sigh, a tear of frustration escaping from the corner of her eye. She’s been through this same scenario three times now, but this one had been the most promising. The other two relationships lasting under three months.

“I know this is really hard, Ashlyn. I can see how upset you are and I don’t blame you one bit. This is a very frustrating and difficult diagnosis to live with. The vast majority of women in your position struggle mightily with this, you’re not alone.” Nancy says warmly.

_Secondary Situational Vaginismus._ The term sounds so damn technical and cold to describe something so personally intimate: the clenching of one’s vagina during sex due to a prior traumatic experience. Technical and cold or not, this has been Ashlyn’s life for the last 4 years. It’s an endless cycle of needing a patient sexual partner to help overcome it, but not finding one that can be patient long enough to actually get there because it’s so hard to have sex. The pattern of building enough trust to try with someone new only to be emotionally crushed in a few months when they can’t handle it is maddening and hurtful.

“Yeah well, I’m fucking hopeless.” Ashlyn says dejectedly.

“I know it was a tough week, but we’ve been through this. You’re not hopeless. You’ve made really great strides over time, and we just need to figure out how we get this last piece to click for you.” Nancy encourages her.

“Nance, we’ve been at it for like 3 years.” Ashlyn levels with her. “I just…I don’t know what else there is to do. Honestly, what can we do that we haven’t done?”

“I hear you, I do. I just want you to remember that you’ve come so far. You’re in an emotionally healthy place when it comes to sex now. You’re able to build enough trust in relationships to be having sex and that’s a very long way from where you started.” Nancy remind her.

“Yeah I know, but this last hurdle…I’m lost. It’s a huge fucking hurdle. I just don’t see how…” Ashlyn trails off.

“I can understand that. I have to be really honest with you here and admit that I’ve had to think more deeply about it too. We’ve done everything to solve the mental blocks that have prevented you from having satisfying sexual experiences. But there is clearly some kind of physical muscle memory that we still need to resolve.” Nancy explains.

“See, even you think it’s hopeless.” Ashlyn challenges, feeling drained now.

“I didn’t say that. I just think we need to consider that there is more going on than just mental aspects of the sexual experience. For a lot of women, finding ways to get around those mental blocks is enough to treat the physical condition. However, that’s not always the case. So for you, I think we need to get mental and physical working better together to really get over that final hurdle.” She muses out loud.

“Yeah, ok. But how do I do that when I can’t manage to be with someone long enough to iron out the physical stuff?” Ashlyn sighs deeply.

Nancy stays quiet for a minute, thinking it over one more time in her head before speaking.

“Ok, Ashlyn, I have an idea. It’s something I considered for you for a while ago, but then your relationship with Rachel started and I abandoned it.” Nancy starts.

“Ok, I’m game. What do you have in mind?” Ashlyn sits forward a bit, eager at this point to hear any possibility, especially when Nancy’s suggestions are usually good ones. As much as she hasn’t fully resolved her problem, the truth is that she has come a really long way from where she started all thanks to her therapist.

“Well, the reasoning behind my thinking gets down to what we were just talking about. We’ve mainly worked out the mental road blocks, but there is a physical element for you where there is still difficulty. And this idea would hone in on that physical aspect.” Nancy clarifies before adding a further preface. “As a therapist, I truly believe in the therapy process and seeing it through. However, in very select cases, I can see that the therapy comes to a bit of an impasse and I’m open minded about alternative approaches. I’ll admit that this an approach that requires a very open mind.”

“You’re making me nervous.” Ashlyn admits, her hands clenched together.

“Don’t be nervous! You don’t even have to agree to it, it’s just an idea.” Nancy says calmly. “But before I tell you my suggestion, I want you to understand that I’ve thought it through deeply and think it might be an ideal option for you.” She explains. “In my 17 years as a therapist, I have only recommended this to a handful of clients and one was a woman with a situation similar to yours…and it worked for her. So, now that we’ve tried everything else…” Nancy continues before Ashlyn lets out a loud sigh.

“Oh my god, Nance, tell me already!” Ashlyn insists impatiently.

“Ok, have you ever heard of a sex surrogate?” Nancy asks gently.

“A sex surrogate?” Ashlyn thinks it over, her forehead wrinkling in confusion. “Like someone who has your baby for you?”

“Oh, well…yes and no. That would be a gestational surrogate or a surrogate mother who steps in to carry a child for you. In this case we’re talking a sex surrogate, which means the person would step in to be your sexual partner so to speak. Have you heard of it?” Nancy asks again.

“Uh yeah, but not with that term. Escort and prostitute I’ve heard of, but not sex surrogate.” Ashlyn raises her eyebrows at what Nancy is suggesting.

“Woah, no, no, no! Not the same thing!” Nancy immediately speaks up and waves her arms a bit. “Well, I mean… yes, it seems the same and people certainly have concerns on how parallel the two things are. But in no way is this a sex worker situation. This is actually a person who does this as sex therapy and is licensed and certified to do it. I know it walks a fine line, but this is actually a professional therapy approach.” Nancy assures her. “This person would be as much a therapist as I am, the difference being that they have the training and skill to do sex therapy on a hands-on physical level.”

“I don’t even know how to wrap my head around that.” Ashlyn admits as her mind runs all over the place trying to fully grasp what a situation like this would be like. “Is it legal?”

“Yes, it is. I wouldn’t even consider it if it wasn’t. I meant it when I said the person would be fully licensed like a normal therapist.” Nancy replies straight-forwardly.

“Sorry, I know you wouldn’t. That was stupid question.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“It wasn’t a stupid question. Like I said, this is something very out-of-the-box even for open minded people. Trust me, I completely understand you having a million questions and a lot of hesitancy.” Nancy puts her at ease. “Just like sessions with me, it isn’t covered by insurance. So, it would be out of pocket.”

“Well you know that’s the least of my concerns.” Ashlyn replies simply as she tries to think of the right questions.

“Like I said, it’s just an idea and something I am going to recommend to you. I think the best plan is for me to give you some information about it that you can read and give you some time to maybe look up information on your own and really think about it. There’s no time limit on making a decision.” Nancy encourages her not to jump into anything.

“Yeah, ok. Good idea. I think I need to understand it better.” Ashlyn tries to stay open to it. “Can I ask… well… I mean, how does this work if I’ve never been with men? I honestly don’t think I could ever… well, are there women that do this for other women?”

“Oh yes, of course! Ashlyn, I would never put you in that position. This would be a situation where you would be as comfortable as possible in terms of your sexual preferences. While there several people locally that provide this kind of therapy, this is New York City after all, I have only worked with two of them. And I think that one of those people would be perfect. She’s actually who I had in mind for you and has been doing this for a few years now. She a regular sex and relationship therapist like myself as well as a sex surrogate, and she exclusively works with women. My thinking is that she would provide the right type of therapeutic support for you.” Nancy elaborates.

“Oh, ok.” Ashlyn replies simply. “Well, I’m definitely not ruling it out at all. I’ll go home and read up on it and think about it a lot before I come to any decisions.”

“Perfect, that’s exactly what I am encouraging here.” Nancy smiles at her. “And truly, if you don’t think this option is for you, no problem at all. This is just an idea. We can just continue on with our normal sessions if it isn’t something you want to pursue.”

“Thanks, Nance. I mean it. I appreciate you always trying new things to help me and working with me so patiently.” Ashlyn says gratefully.

“Of course, that’s my job!” Nancy waves her off. “Here, let me give you some of the information I have on it and here’s the business card for the person I have in mind.” She hands Ashlyn a folder. “Take your time, think it over, and when you have a sense of what you might like to do, let me know. Until then, we’ll do sessions as usual, ok?”

“Yeah, that’s great. Thanks, Nance. See you next week?” Ashlyn gets up from the small couch and puts her jacket on.

“Thursday at 4pm.” Nancy smiles. “See you then!”

\----

Ashlyn pulls her jacket up a bit around her neck to guard against the cool early fall air that is swirling between the tall buildings all around her. She looks at the folder in her hand with intrigue before hearing the horn beep from the black Cadillac escalade parked near the curb ahead. She tucks the folder under her arm and heads towards the car, quickly getting into the back seat.

“Hey minion, right on time.” Ashlyn greets her personal assistant.

“Please girl, when am I not right on time?” The slender African American woman winks at her before pulling away from the curb. “Home?”

“It’s true, I don’t even know how you manage to be on time for anything with the damn traffic in this city. But you’re the best, always have been! And yeah, home. Thanks.” Ashlyn replies as she looks at the folder again.

“Sure thing, boss lady.” Crystal replies and cranks up a hip-hop song on the radio, doing a few dance moves in the front seat that makes Ashlyn chuckle and shake her head.

Ashlyn tries her hardest to wait until she’s home, but her curiosity gets the best of her and she opens the folder before they are even halfway there. There is a pamphlet and a packet of printed pages inside, a single business card paper-clipped to the top of the stack. She pulls the business card away from the other papers and brings it closer to her face…

_Alexandra Krieger, LICSW, LMFT_

_Clinical Relationship & Sex Therapy Associate_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, my plan is to try and post twice a week. As always, leave me a comment and let me know what you think!


	2. Have you ever heard of....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the very warm welcome back! I always like to give you some solid context for the story before we really get moving. So in this chapter (a direct continuation of the last one), you'll meet some fun new characters and get to know more about Ashlyn and her mindset, as well as indirectly learn a bit more about Ali. After this chapter, Ashlyn and Ali will begin interacting. 
> 
> I'll post the next chapter Monday night or early Tuesday, so enjoy this one and have a great weekend! As always, I love to hear from you, so let me know your thoughts :-)

“How’d it go? You look a little better than when I dropped you off.” Crystal looks at Ashlyn through the rearview mirror as she drives. As much as Ashlyn is her boss, she’s also one of her best friends. While they don’t talk deeply about Ashlyn’s therapy appointments, she is one of the few in the know about the general situation. She’s been keeping a close eye on Ashlyn since her break-up with Rachel last week.

“Ok, I guess.” Ashlyn offers with a shrug, looking up from the folder of information she was scanning. “Good to hear I’m not as broken as I think I am, supposedly. Just have something big I need to think about and process.” She adds vaguely.

“Yeah?” Crystal probes, knowing that tone of voice well. The one that tells her Ashlyn needs to talk something out, but isn’t sure how to approach it. “Want me to come up for dinner tonight or you wanna have some solo time?”

“Although I like cooking for you as much as you like getting served like a queen…” Ashlyn chuckles. “Pretty sure you have class tonight. I’m counting on having the best graphic designer in the business on my full-time payroll when you graduate next year. Don’t flake on me now, Dunn.”

After a string of personal assistants who were a bunch of pompous assholes all trying to get ahead at any expense, Crystal Dunn had been the best on-a-whim decision Ashlyn had ever made. She had seen the woman standing outside of her work building a few days in a row, working diligently to draw on sketchpad pages filled with tiny cartoons with a black sharpie. The first day, Ashlyn had bought one of the intricately designed pages and marveled at her talent, giving the woman $100 when she had only asked for $10.

The second morning she had bought the woman a hot coffee and a muffin from a nearby coffee shop to help fight off the chilly morning. Ashlyn had planned to buy her dinner that night too, but had found the woman’s usual spot unoccupied by the time she got home.

The third morning, she had just fired her personal assistant over the phone when he had been caught stealing from a petty cash fund. She had left the building later than usual that morning because of the fiasco, her focus on getting a coffee to get herself back on track when she saw the woman standing out in front of her building again. Her heart took over and she found herself introducing herself to Crystal Dunn, hiring her on the spot as her new personal assistant with nothing but a good feeling in her gut to go on.

Ashlyn had invited Crystal to stay at her place until she got her own, quickly learning all about her. Crystal had grown up in the Bronx, raised by a single mother who had very little. She had been halfway through her first year in community college when her mother fell ill. She had dropped out of school and gotten a waitressing job just to take care of her mother, but the situation had only gotten worse as time went on. They quickly fell behind on medical bills and got evicted from their apartment. Her mother eventually got hospitalized and Crystal stayed in her hospital room most nights just to have a place to sleep. It was only a couple months after that when her mother passed away and Crystal was out on the streets with no job and no one to turn to.

Ashlyn had changed all of that by not only hiring Crystal as her personal assistant with a hefty salary, but buying her a loft in the same building where she lived (a luxury high rise in the ritzy Tribeca neighborhood of New York City). She had given Crystal a black Escalade as a personal and work vehicle and paid for her to enroll in college at NYU with the stipulation that she was to focus on getting her degree above all else.

Crystal Dunn had hit the jackpot, but so did Ashlyn Harris. The two of them were very similar, easy-going, blunt, and spontaneous. They had gotten along and become fast friends in no time. So much so that Crystal still spends more evenings in Ashlyn’s two-floor penthouse than her own loft downstairs.

“Relax, Harris. The professor cancelled for tonight. Sooo, wanna cook for me?” Crystal asks sweetly as she bats her eyelashes in the rearview mirror so Ashlyn can see her, putting in an extra effort the last few nights to make sure Ashlyn isn’t alone after the whole Rachel debacle.

“At this rate, I should really start having my personal chef stay to cook dinners for my personal assistant.” Ashlyn mock complains. Much like with Crystal, she had hired Chef Parker Bernard when she saw him getting fired at a restaurant for engaging with an elitist jerk of a customer that had actually spit on him. As her personal chef for the last couple years, he usually just leaves healthy prepped meals in her fridge unless she needs him otherwise. He knows she likes to cook, so he makes sure she always has a fully stocked kitchen with fresh ingredients. She generally just warms up the prepped meals unless someone is over, in which case she cooks. Crystal is the one who probably benefits most from that.

“Please, you love to cook.” Crystal shoots her a look and makes the turn towards their building, 45 Park Place.

“Secret’s out.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “So damn needy, Dunn. But yeah, I could definitely use the company.” She adds a bit sadly with a shrug. Truth be told, she hates being alone even if she does like her space.

“A’ight well, I’m gonna go park this beast in the garage and then freshen up. I’ll be up in like an hour?” Crystal says as she pulls up to the front curb to let Ashlyn out.

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Thanks for the ride, minion.” Ashlyn replies warmly.

“That’s what you pay me for, boss lady.” Crystal winks at her and watches Ashlyn give her a little smile. “Hey…you know… I never liked her.” She calls out as Ashlyn starts to open the door.

“Who? Rachel?” Ashlyn asks, a bit surprised at the sudden statement.

“Yep. I knew she was gonna flake on you. I was hoping she would prove me wrong.” Crystal shrugs.

“How could you know that? I didn’t and I was dating her.” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“Because you don’t just wait to see if shit is gonna go the way you want before you decide whether you love someone or not. You either love them or you don’t, end of story. Real love waits for nothing, it just is.” Crystal says resolutely.

“Yeah well, we can’t all get swept up by Prince Charming Pierre like you did.” Ashlyn teases, jokingly bowing. Crystal had met a French exchange student last year and fallen head over heels for the guy. Truth be told, he’s perfect for her and one of the nicest people Ashlyn has ever met. Pierre went back to France to finish out his degree, but he and Crystal have managed the distance really well and even gotten engaged recently. He has 8 more months left in France before he plans to move to NYC.

“Anyway, she was just being cautious with her heart, you know? Maybe I should’ve done the same and been more cautious with mine.” Ashlyn adds, not even sure why she is defending her now ex.

“Whatever.” Crystal turns around a bit in her seat. “It’s not about getting swept up in a fairytale. Just, you deserve better than cautious, Ashlyn. Sooooo much better. You’re awesome and you deserve someone all in and then some. Anyone who truly knows you would say the same. I know it hurts and shit is hard for you… but hey, fuck Rachel. She never deserved you. Ok? Ok! End rant. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn smiles genuinely. “Thanks, minion.”

“Anytime, boss lady.” Crystal chuckles. “Now go cook me dinner, bitch. Who’s the minion now?”

“Watch it, Dunn.” Ashlyn playfully warns.

“Please, you watch it and learn, Harris.” Crystal throws down a few more dance moves in the front seat that leave Ashlyn laughing hard as she shuts the car door.

\----

“Oh, damn Harris… so fucking good…mmm, mmm, mmm!” Crystal says enthusiastically as she shovels another bite of pasta carbonara into her mouth.

“You’re welcome, but maybe try not to sound like you’re about to cum all over my dining room chairs.” Ashlyn teases with a smirk.

“Pssh, you wish you were that good!” Crystal shakes her head. “Really though, amazing as usual. How come you never went into the food industry?”

“Because the food industry isn’t what you do with a Stanford degree, nor does it pay billions of dollars.” Ashlyn replies with mock conceit, before laughing and more seriously adding “Really though, it wouldn’t be an enjoyable hobby if I had to do it for work.”

“True. And because you didn’t, I get to benefit from your bazillions and still get this awesome food. Winner!” Crystal says cockily.

“You’re so lucky I like you.” Ashlyn replies.

“Girl, I know it.” Crystal agrees. “I suppose I like you too.” She continues her banter.

“So… question.” Ashlyn ignores Crystal’s typical jibing before she can lose her nerve to ask.

“What’s up?” Crystal eats her last bite of pasta and looks up at Ashlyn from across the table.

“Have you ever heard of a sex surrogate?” Ashlyn throws it out unceremoniously.

“Like one of those baby mama people?” Crystal asks with a furrowed brow.

“Sorta I guess, but no baby involved. A sex surrogate is like someone who acts as like a surrogate sexual partner…like in place of a girlfriend or a spouse or something.” Ashlyn tries to explain.

“I believe that’s call pimp and ho-ing.” Crystal says with raised eyebrows.

“That’s what I said!” Ashlyn throws her hands up a bit. “Apparently though there is this legitimate sex surrogate thing where these people are like sex therapists only they actually work with you physically and mentally together. It’s legal and they are even licensed.”

“Hmph. No shit?” Crystal’s eyebrows are still raised.

“No shit.” Ashlyn confirms. “My therapist recommended I try it and referred me to one. She said she rarely refers people to this and it’s sort of an almost last resort if she feels like she’s reaching an endpoint with routine sex therapy.”

“Dang. Yeah, I’d say that’s something big to process.” Crystal replies, thinking back on what Ashlyn said in the car earlier this evening.

“Yeah. I just don’t know.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“I’ve never heard of it at all, so I’m not much help.” Crystal says apologetically.

“Here, read this and I’ll get the dishes tonight.” Ashlyn hands her the packet of info that Nancy gave her, the one she just read herself before Crystal came over for dinner.

Ashlyn gets the dishes rinsed and into the dishwasher and then sits back at the table and sips her beer until Crystal finishes and looks up at her. “So, thoughts?”

“Bottom line truth.” Crystal pauses and takes a quick sip of her wine. “You have nothing to lose.”

“You think?” Ashlyn asks curiously, not necessarily sure what she expected Crystal’s reaction to be, but not anticipating her to be this concrete on it.

“Absolutely. It’s legal and it’s technically therapy. I mean, think about it. This person is paid to be patient, caring, and sensitive to your needs. Their job is to stay in tune with you mentally and physically and help you work through things at your pace while pushing you in the right ways when it’s needed. It’s like having the perfect sexual partner, it’s just that it’s therapy. It sounds like a good option for you at this point. Those are all the things you aren’t getting with a romantic dating partner. So why the hell not? I say you go for it.” Crystal explains.

“I need to read about it more. I’m still torn even though I lean towards all the stuff you just said. I mean, it seems like a good idea… just… it’s never just sex, you know? Like for this to work as therapy, there is obviously some kind of bigger connection. Just like that paperwork said, there’s a social relationship/trust building element by the nature of it. And then what, therapy is done and it just ends? And how does that work for the future healing and relationships?” Ashlyn muses out loud.

“Ok, that’s a fair point.” Crystal thinks it over. “But really it’s not all that different than ending any therapy relationship or even a romantic one, right? So, let’s say it works well and then you end it…or even if it doesn’t work and you have to end it… would you be any worse off than you have been over the last couple years? And, wouldn’t you be better off if you at least knew you could get to that end goal with someone even if it takes a while to happen again with another person?”

“Haven’t considered that.” Ashlyn nods. “You’re right I think.”

“Of course I am.” Crystal brings some levity to the conversation.

“I still need to read and think more, but thank you.” Ashlyn smiles at her kindly. “I just needed to throw it out there and see if the whole thing was crazy before I thought on it further. Needed to hear that it passes the patented Crystal Dunn Crazy Bullshit-O-Meter.”

“Oh it does, girl. Really, take time to consider it. That’s my final thought.” Crystal smiles back.

“Thanks, minion.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Any time, boss lady.” Crystal jokingly pretends to brush off her shoulders.

Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “More wine and a movie?”

“Yep and yep. You’re the best boss ever!” Crystal gets up from the table. “I’ll get us the booze, you get the movie going. Your pick.”

“Best boss ever needs some popcorn too!” Ashlyn calls over from the couch.

“Sorry, I work in the personal services and design departments. Popcorn is not on my list of required work responsibilities.” Crystal teasingly nudges Ashlyn as she plops down on the couch and hands her a fresh beer.

“Ugh. Might as well, you’d burn it anyway.” Ashlyn grumbles as she gets up.

“And that bitches is how you do the high life.” Crystal says smugly and she curls up near the corner of the couch, jumping slightly when she feels a beer bottle cap hit her in the back of the head.

“Striiike!” Ashlyn laughs from the kitchen. “And that bitches is what makes the boss so boss!”

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Ashlyn!” Whitney yells louder and Megan rolls her eyes.

“Huh?” Ashlyn suddenly sits up straighter in her desk chair and tries to figure out what she missed, noting the mildly annoyed looks on the faces of her two best friends and colleagues. “Sorry.” She mumbles apologetically.

“Ok, work hats off here for a few minutes.” Whitney gives in. “You have gotta make a decision, Ash.”

“Seriously, butch…it’s time.” Megan agrees.

“Settle down, it’s not that big of a deal and it’s not that simple.” Ashlyn argues, hoping they’ll drop it.

“It has been over two weeks and you’re constantly zoning out. You never do that. Plus we actually have a deadline.” Whitney challenges back.

“That and this is becoming a little obsessive now, don’t cha think?” Megan adds as she points to the book on Ashlyn’s desk… _Sex is the Least of It_ by Alexandra Krieger.

“Fuck off, Pinoe. I’m not obsessed, it’s research.” Ashlyn glares at Megan.

“Whatever, stalker.” Megan plays back. “We still have a deadline.”

“Yeah, ok. People can wait for a fucking inconsequential security update, not a big deal. We’ll get it done.” Ashlyn grumbles and tries to ignore the pressing look Whitney is giving her.

She and Whitney Engen had founded Hargen, Inc. before they even graduated Stanford together. From day one, Ashlyn has been CEO and Whitney the CTO. Ashlyn the creative visionary, the deep thinker; Whitney the primary software engineer with the practicality to make things happen. The two of them had changed the world of social media with their first invention, their brain child so-to-speak. So much so that they soon after hired Whitney’s childhood friend, Megan Rapinoe, as a CFO to handle the massive financial dealings. The three friends have worked in perfect harmony for years, building a company and products to be proud of.

That is what makes Ashlyn feel guilty in this moment, she’s usually able to keep her work and personal life separated. No matter what is going on, her head is usually always in the game when it comes to business. For some reason, this last week has been different and she knows the other two women have been picking up the slack.

“Easy there, Sherlock.” Whitney reaches over the desk and lightly touches Ashlyn’s hand. “We’re really just worried about you. Forget the stupid deadline, talk to us.”

“Thanks, Watson.” Ashlyn smiles at her. They’ve called each other Sherlock and Watson since they first met in college and Whitney knows the nickname always softens her a bit. “I promise I’m fine. I just have no idea what to do.”

“Last week you were leaning towards doing it. Did you find out something bad about her?” Megan asks and points to the book on Ashlyn’s desk again.

“No. The opposite actually.” Ashlyn admits. “Her book is actually really damn eye-opening, you should read it. Clearly she knows what she’s doing and isn’t just some weird rando sex therapist.” She puts it frankly.

She’s far from a prude, but the truth is that the first few chapters of Alexandra Krieger’s book were so blunt about sex that it had actually made her blush just reading them at home by herself. Still, by the time she was done reading it, she had felt more sexually liberated than she ever has. Something about the woman’s willingness to so openly discuss raw sexual thoughts and feelings that people tend to bury deep had profoundly resonated with her. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t much out there to learn about the woman outside of this book, her website, and a couple of newspaper interviews about sex surrogates…all of it positive and yet a bit mysterious since none of it included a picture of her or much about her personal life.

“Ok, still not seeing the problem.” Megan furrows her brow in confusion. “Did you look her up on Instagram?”

“You know I did.” Ashlyn shoots Megan a pointed look.

“Was it terrible?” Megan prods.

“Just a bunch of pictures of landscapes. Really beautiful ones, but no personal pictures.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Filters on the pictures?” Megan inquires.

“None.” Ashlyn answers.

“Hmmm. Well, she sounds sensible and deep, maybe a bit of a free spirit.” Megan calculates.

“Pinoe, that stupid Harvard Instagram Personality Study was crap science and you know it.” Whitney rolls her eyes. “You can’t really figure out someone’s personality from the pictures they post. Social media is way more complex of a world than that.”

“Ok, ok. Stop it now before you two get into that stupid debate again. The study happened…popular media made it bigger than it was… it’s beyond old news… no one cares.” Ashlyn intervenes.

“Ugh, fine.” Megan huffs. “So, what the hell is the problem then?” She turns her attention back to Ashlyn.

“For once, I’m as lost as she is.” Whitney adds and motions to Megan. “Come on, Sherlock, what’s up?”

“I guess I just can’t wrap my head around this whole sex with a stranger thing. I just don’t see how it’s supposed to help me.” Ashlyn sits back in her desk hair and sighs again.

“Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them.” Whitney counters. “Isn’t that the whole point of this… that’s it’s not just the sex, but a total package thing where you work on it all?”

“True.” Ashlyn shrugs. “You don’t think it’s weird?”

“It’s maybe a little unconventional, but it’s not all that weird.” Whitney replies. “No weirder than a one night stand.”

“Exactly. And not that this is the same thing, but even paying for sex isn’t weird at its core. Just illegal is all.” Megan adds her two cents.

“Ok well, what if I don’t find her attractive?” Ashlyn replies.

“You’re not that shallow.” Whitney eyes her, knowing damn well that this is not the real problem.

“What if it’s awkward?” Ashlyn asks another question.

“It might be and maybe you won’t like it. So then you don’t go back. Duh.” Megan answers easily. “You have just as good a chance of it being not awkward and going really well.”

“Right. It’s not like you have to lock into any commitment. You can walk away from it anytime and not go through with it.” Whitney adds.

“Yeah, I know.” Ashlyn sighs yet again. “It’s just… I come with a huge heaping pile of shit to dig through. To have to put it all out there yet again…it’s…a lot.” She finally admits in a quiet mumble, knowing the two women completely understand.

“There it is.” Whitney reaches over to soothingly touch her hand again, knowing just how deep her best friend’s vulnerabilities run. “Ashlyn, you’ve been through more than anyone I know. But that doesn’t make you weird, or broken, or any less than anyone else. You know that. In fact, it makes you all that much better for coming out the amazing and successful person you are.”

“Exactly what she said.” Megan gives her a little smile. “Look buddy, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And I’m sure there isn’t much this woman hasn’t heard or seen before. Just give it a chance. You really have nothing to lose.”

“You really think so?” Ashlyn asks for what seems like the millionth time. She’s already debated the whole thing to death with Crystal as well as Whitney and Megan. Still, she just hasn’t been able to pull the trigger despite coming to the same conclusion every time.

“I really think this is going to be a good thing for you. Call it a gut feeling or whatever, but I really think that.” Whitney replies genuinely. “Besides, when have you ever been one not to give something new a try?” She asks Ashlyn knowingly, but speaks up again before she can reply. “Better question. When has your ‘play-it-safe’ and ‘super-careful’ Watson ever told you to jump at something unpredictable like this?”

“Never.” Ashlyn replies truthfully with a nod. Whitney is always the cautious one and she and Megan endlessly complain about how she never lets them do anything fun.

“Exactly. So just do it already.” Whitney urges her.

“To put it another way…” Megan pipes up. “You’ve been dealing with a ghost for a long time, it’s time for an exorcism, butch!”

“Ok, ok, I hear you.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly, unable to stop herself from mentally picturing some kind of weird exorcism sex ritual.

“Besides, I dated an Alexandra once and she was HOOOOT!” Megan adds smugly.

“Well that’s so not my department, but if it’ll get you to finally go for it…then yes, all Alexandras are hot.” Whitney adds with a laugh.

“Don’t even joke, Engen! You know I have a think for straight-edge blondes. You step one damn toe over that lesbo line and I’m all over it.” Megan teases her, knowing it always makes Whitney squirm.

“You just don’t have the right equipment for me, Pinoe.” Whitney winks at her jokingly, refusing to be bashful this time.

“Yeah but I could buy some.” Megan deadpans.

“Oh my god, stop before I have to separate you two! Also, no one wants to picture that!” Ashlyn cringes. “So not helpful.”

“Annnyway…” Whitney tosses a thin folder in Ashlyn’s direction. “Alexandra B. Krieger, 33, lives in a nice condo in SoHo, she’s comfortable financially and a major charitable contributor, but not at all a lavish spender it seems. She has no complaints filed against her as a therapist and her licensing checks out. No legal issues, not even a parking ticket to speak of…that’s a damn miracle in NYC! Not a lot of social media presence and no pictures publicly available like you said, but she seems like a practical and good person.”

“Now who’s the stalker?!” Ashlyn throws her hands up and shakes her head while Megan laughs.

“Well excuse me for looking out for my best friend!” Whitney raises her eyebrows. “Besides, you think you’re a good stalker and you suck at it. So, you’re welcome!”

“Ha, good looking out, Watson! Total creeper, but you’re the best.” Ashlyn lets out a laugh before getting serious. “Thanks to both of you, really… love you. I needed this.”

“We laaaaaaah you sooo much!” Megan blows Ashlyn a kiss.

“Yeah that.” Whitney laughs and points to the weird kissy faces Megan is making at Ashlyn. “Now, me and this nutjob over here are going to go work on this security update while you call Nancy.”

“Right now?” Ashlyn swallows hard.

“Yes now! Just go fucking do it already!” Megan gets up and picks up Ashlyn’s phone, putting it in her hand. “Aaaand go!”

“You really think I shou…” Ashlyn starts before she’s cut-off by Whitney yelling her name with a stern motherly look.

“Ok, ok, geez!” Ashlyn grimaces. “I’ll call.”

\------

“Hi Ashlyn, great timing. I just got out of a session.” Nancy says immediately as she picks up the phone, easily recognizing the phone number.

“Hey Nance, glad I caught you then. Do you have a minute?” Ashlyn replies, her stomach feeling jittery.

“Absolutely, what can I do for you?” Nancy asks.

“So, um…I uh…” Ashlyn stutters a bit. “I’ve decided to go ahead and try the sex surrogate thing.”

“Are you sure?” Nancy checks given the hesitant tone. “You don’t sound sure.”

“No, I’m sure. Just nervous I guess.” Ashlyn admits. “You know, like we’ve talked about the last couple weeks…the unknown of it. But I’m willing to just try it.”

“Ok, I think you’re making a great decision. But remember, I’m not pushing you. If you’re not sure and not okay with it, don’t do it. We can keep at our normal therapy.” Nancy reminds her.

“I know, Nance. Thank you. I’m ready to try it. I really trust your judgment.” Ashlyn replies resolutely.

“Great. And Ashlyn, I know you’re nervous about it. Really though, this isn’t going to be like jumping off a ledge. It’ll be a lot like the therapy we do where the relationship builds over the sessions and yes you’ll get into physical elements too, but it will be at a pace that is comfortable for you.” Nancy tries to reassure her. “She’s not just gonna show up and jump into bed with you, promise.”

“I know, I know.” Ashlyn lightly laughs.

“This whole thing does center on relationship building as a whole, physical and mental. I think that will be a good thing for you. I mean, you’re already doing it without realizing. So, it might be nice for you to build an actual in-person relationship with her rather than the one where it’s you and everything you learn about her public persona.” Nancy says knowingly, having already discussed Ashlyn’s efforts to learn everything she can about Alexandra Krieger.

“You sound like such a therapist.” Ashlyn can’t help but tease the woman even as she laughs a bit because she knows Nancy is right as usual.

“As I always say, that’s what you pay me for.” Nancy laughs back. “So, you’re sure?”

“I’m sure. So, now what? How does it work?” Ashlyn inquires.

“Well, I’ll give her a call and see if she can take you on as a client. She chooses to only take on one client at a time these days so she can focus completely on that person.” Nancy explains. “So, it’ll depend on whether she is working with someone now. If she can’t take you now, I can find you someone else or you could wait a few weeks until she has availability.”

“Oh uh, ok. Well, you really seem to think she’s the best. And I’m in no rush, so I guess I’d wait if she’s not available right now.” Ashlyn responds after quickly thinking it over.

“Ok, good. So, I will call her and give her basic info about you with no name information until she agrees to take you as a client. Once she agrees and has availability, I’ll give her your contact information and she’ll call you to setup the first session. Once that session is scheduled, if you’re okay with it, I can send her over the general notes and background I have in your file.” Nancy details the process.

“Yep, I’m good. You can send her whatever you need to.” Ashlyn agrees, knowing it’s probably easier to read the cliffnotes of her background than having to listen to her explain it.

“Ok, great. If she doesn’t have availability, I’ll call tomorrow to let you know. If she does, you’ll be hearing from her directly.” Nancy adds. “As for our sessions once you’re working with her, I’ll want to stay in the loop with you, but not interfere in the process. So, we’ll check in every two to three weeks for about 30min just to briefly talk about how it’s going and address anything you have concerns about it. And when you wrap up with her, then we can resume our normal sessions if you’d like. Does that work?”

“Yeah, that sounds good to me.” Ashlyn replies.

“Excellent. Well, I have about 20 minutes before two back-to-back appointments, so I’m going to try giving her a call now to set this up. Hopefully you’ll hear from her by sometime tomorrow. If not, you’ll hear from me.” Nancy tell her.

“Thanks so much, Nance. Really, I appreciate it.” Ashlyn says genuinely.

“You’re welcome. I have a good feeling about this and all my fingers crossed for you. We’ll be in touch. Hope you have a great rest of the day.” Nancy says sweetly.

“You too, Nance. Thanks again.” Ashlyn hangs up and leans back in her desk chair with a sigh. As nervous as she was to move forward with this whole thing, now she’s nervous that she’ll have to wait before being able to start the sessions. “Fuck Harris, pull yourself together.” She chides herself at how all over the place she feels.

Despite the fact that Whitney and Megan said they would handle the security update project deadline, she knows that she’ll go out of her mind if she just sits here all day. Instead, she grabs a quick coffee from the office kitchen and goes to find the two women, ready to immerse herself in the project for the rest of the day and evening so she doesn’t anxiously wonder if Alexandra Krieger will be the next call on her phone.


	3. Formalities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy Ashlyn and Ali's first interaction in this one... and then check your seat belt and keep your arms inside the ride as we really start moving ;-)

“Shit!” Ashlyn nearly falls off the couch when her phone rings loudly, beer splashing out of the bottle she was drinking from and landing on her jeans. She always keeps her phone on vibrate, but opted to put the ringtone on a loud setting after she got off the phone with Nancy this afternoon…maybe too loud since it just scared her half to death. She scrambles for a second to find a spot to put down her dinner plate, finally setting it on the coffee table and looking at her phone anxiously._ Unknown number._

She does her best to quickly gather herself before answering the phone on the third ring. “Hello.” She keeps the greeting simple, neither too formal nor too casual. She’s is pretty sure who is calling, but there’s always the chance that it’s just an unexpected business call.

“Hi, this is Alexandra Krieger. May I please speak to Ashlyn Harris?” The melodic and direct voice replies over the line.

“Oh hi, this is she.” Ashlyn’s heart starts pounding, her palm sweaty against the phone.

“Good evening Ms. Harris! Like I said before, I’m Alexandra Krieger and you were referred to me by Nancy Merriman. I have open availability at the moment and wanted to call you to go over everything, perhaps schedule a first session, and answer any initial questions you have if you’d still like to move forward.” Ali says professionally.

“Yes…uh yes, I still want to move forward.” Ashlyn stutters just slightly, her hands trembling a bit now too as everything about this seems a bit surreal even if it’s just a phone call.

“Excellent. Well, maybe we should start with some basics.” Ali suggests at hearing Ashlyn’s anxious tone. It’s nothing new, just about all of her clients are nervous at first. “Did Nancy explain to you what I do and what you can expect from this type of therapy?”

“Yes, Nancy explained and gave me some information about it. I also did some of my own research.” Ashlyn replies, doing her best to sound informed and confident.

“Perfect, that makes my job easier then.” Ali jokes lightly, taking in Ashlyn’s soft and feminine voice now that the woman has spoken more than a few words. “I really want to make it clear though that while physical intimacy will be at the center of what we work on together, there is a lot more to it that doesn’t always come across clearly in the basic information out there about sex surrogates. What I mean by that is that we’ll focus just as much on non-physical aspects of intimacy and integrate the two spheres together. So, many sessions will not be quite as physical as you may be expecting and there is a focus on building a connection that dictates the physical aspects. Does that make sense?”

“It does. Nancy spoke to me about that too and it was mentioned in some of what I read. That sounds good to me.” Ashlyn replies.

“Well, you really are making my job easier and easier.” Ali jokes again. “Are there any questions you have for me?”

“Um… I guess I really don’t have any questions right now. I think I might have more specific questions as we go along, but I feel like I understand the basics at the moment and don’t really know what else to ask.” Ashlyn admits, already feeling lulled by the woman’s sweet little laugh and her seeming ease.

“That’s completely ok. You can ask me anything at any time, so just don’t be shy when you find yourself having questions. Literally any question at all, just ask.” Ali puts the woman at ease. “Is it okay if I ask you a couple of questions then?”

“Absolutely, fire away.” Ashlyn replies easily.

“So first, for my own safety and yours, I always ask if you’ve been tested for STDs and HIV within the last month, and if not, I’ll ask you to do that before our first session.” Ali explains.

“I actually have. I get tested any time I end a relationship…and um, I just did a few weeks ago.” Ashlyn answers.

“That works. I just ask that you provide me a copy of those results. And I ask that you get tested again every two weeks while we work together if you are engaged in any sexual relationships during that time. If you’re exclusively just working with me, then you don’t have to do that.” Ali elaborates. “And I afford you the same courtesy. I’ll provide you with a copy my test results at our first session. I only work with one client at a time and am not currently in a sexual relationship, but if I do become engaged in one during our time together, I’ll get tested every two weeks as well.”

“Ok, that’s good. I didn’t even think of all that, but I’m glad you brought it up.” Ashlyn reveals, feeling a bit dumb that she never would have even thought about it.

“Now that we’re on the same page about that, I wanted to ask if you have ever worked with a sex surrogate before?” Ali inquires.

“No, never. I’ve only done routine sex therapy with Nancy for the few years and no one else before her at all in that realm.” Ashlyn replies.

“Okay, so this will be a completely new experience for you, but don’t worry, most people I work with have never done this before.” Ali reassures her. “So, as you probably know, this kind of therapy is not covered by insurance and will be out-of-pocket payment for you. I believe Nancy provided you with my per session rate?”

“She did and that’s totally fine. Not a problem at all.” Ashlyn says simply.

“Good. The truth is that I’m well aware of and sensitive to all of the comparisons between sex surrogates and paid sex workers out there. For that reason, I strive to keep the payment element away from our therapy sessions. So, I don’t accept payment at sessions and will just ask for a checking account or credit card that I can bill after our sessions. That way, it’s not something we’re constantly dealing with.” Ali lays out the basic process.

“Works for me. Can I just give you my checking account number now?” Ashlyn asks, very impressed at how well thought out, honest, and professional this whole thing is. She quickly finds her checkbook and reads out the account number once Ali’s agrees.

“So, I just have a couple more things to go over.” Ali says before going ahead. “Once we officially set up our first session, Nancy will be faxing me a copy of your file. The truth is that I prefer not to read it at all. And I prefer it that way that for a couple reasons. For starters, I would rather not have my thoughts colored by the impressions of another therapist. But more importantly, in the spirit of building a connection with each other, I would much rather hear about your background from you and in a manner and pace that is comfortable for you.” Ali explains before continuing. “However, I realize that discussing personal histories can be difficult for some people, so I completely understand if you prefer that I read your file and come in prepared and knowledgeable ahead of time. I truly leave it up to you. All I know about you right now is the basic information Nancy gave me…Ashlyn Harris, 31, single female with a diagnosis of secondary situational vaginismus.”

“Hmmm, ok.” Ashlyn thinks it over for a few seconds. “I’m good with you not reading my file.” She replies after a brief silence, actually now feeling a bit relieved that she’ll be able to control how and what Ali learns about her past.

“Ok good, I really find that things go better and more meaningfully that way.” Ali replies thoughtfully. “So, to give you the bigger picture…I never put a limit or timeline on our sessions. However, for most clients the process usually takes about 10 to 20 sessions, and I like to meet twice a week so there aren’t large gaps of time in between sessions. Because of the nature of the sessions, there may be ups and downs and moments of frustration that we work through together. And that combined with the connection building element, I request that my clients stay with me for a minimum of 10 sessions. The truth is that you can stop any time at all and there is no penalty, but I really ask that you try to give me those 10 sessions to work with you.”

“I can do that, seems reasonable and makes sense.” Ashlyn agrees.

“You’re making this so easy.” Ali says with warm appreciation. “So one more logistical thing and then we can schedule a session. I’m willing to have our sessions wherever you’d like. I do have an appropriate office space that we can meet in, it’s in SoHo. However, many clients prefer to meet somewhere more comfortable for them such as in their own homes, a hotel, or even a workplace for some people. Do you have a preference on that?”

“Hmmm, I never thought about that either.” Ashlyn considers it. “I guess I’d feel most comfortable at my place if that’s ok?” She replies truthfully, hoping the familiar surroundings of her home will make her less nervous.

“No problem, I’ll just need an address then.” Ali replies.

“45 Park Place, in Tribeca. It’s Penthouse 2 and you just have to check in with the front desk security guard. I’ll put you on the visitor list and he’ll tell me you’re here and give you the access to the private elevator.” Ashlyn instructs.

“Sounds simple enough.” Ali jots down the information, her eyebrows raised in intrigue at the directions, especially knowing how ritzy of an area Tribeca is. She’s had some well off clients before, but none that could afford a penthouse in the one of the most luxurious parts of NYC. “The number I called you with is my cellphone, so you can call or text me any time. I’m rarely ever late, but I realize this is New York and things happen, especially traffic. So, I’ll stay in touch with you if anything comes up and you can do the same. Is this a good number to reach you?”

“Yep, this is my cellphone. You can call and text me anytime as well.” Ashlyn replies.

“Well, all that’s left is to schedule the day and time of our first session then. I want to be very frank about the fact that I haven’t had a client yet that isn’t nervous about the first session. Again, I’m very sensitive to that and want to put you at ease as much as possible. For that reason, I like to schedule the first session as soon as we can. It does a lot to prevent overthinking and nervousness if you don’t have to wait for days on end.” Ali says kindly. “Assuming you can email or fax me your STD testing results by the morning, we could schedule for as soon as tomorrow. I have open flexibility in terms of time and our sessions will be about two hours long, but I never just cut them off in the middle of something meaningful. So, they can really range in terms of time and are mostly dependent on you.” She gets right down to it.

Ashlyn feels her shakiness come back at the thought of this happening so soon, swallowing hard before she responds. “Uh…yeah…ok, I could email you the paperwork tonight and do tomorrow.” She looks at her calendar even though she knows she can be completely flexible.

“It’s just a suggestion. Really, absolutely no pressure on doing it tomorrow. You can tell me when you want to start.” Ali hears the hesitance in the woman’s tone hidden under a seemingly nonchalant voice.

“No, no. Tomorrow is good. How about 4pm?” Ashlyn pulls herself together and finds some confidence in suggesting a time.

“Perfect, works for me. So, tomorrow at 4pm…your place, 45 Park Place in Tribeca. Penthouse 2. Just check in at the security desk.” Ali double checks.

“Yep, you got it.” Ashlyn confirms.

“Alright, so one more thing I want to go over before we hang up.” Ali prefaces before continuing. “For everything I just said about the sessions slowly building towards connection and physicality, the first session stands out a bit from that. I don’t want to increase your nervousness at all, but I also don’t want you to be too surprised or not expect it. The first session is more intense and physical than you are probably anticipating. There is good reason for it, which I will explain more at the session. Just know that it may feel intense and fast in some ways, but we will take a huge step back and go slower after the first session.” Ali explains gently. “Again, I don’t want to increase any nervousness you have, but I want to be open about it. And I want to make clear that we will not be engaging in sexual intercourse at this session, that’s not what I mean by physical. Does this make some sense? And do you have questions?”

“Yeah, I think it makes sense. So, expect something intense and kinda forward in some way, but not getting physical to the point of having sex. Do I have it right?” Ashlyn checks.

“Yes, exactly. So, you’re sure you’re ok for tomorrow then?” Ali asks.

“Yep, think I’m good.” Ashlyn replies, willing herself to calm down a bit as her palms still sweat.

“Excellent. Well, I will see you tomorrow Ms. Harris and I look forward to meeting you and getting to know you.” Ali says sweetly.

“You too, Ms. Krieger.” Ashlyn follows suit and replies back professionally before saying goodbye and hanging up.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Ashlyn leans back against the couch and shuts her eyes tight, letting out a really deep breath. She stays there with her eyes closed for at least ten minutes, her mind running over the conversation she just had. She eventually leans over to grab the rest of her beer, finishing it in a couple long gulps before picking her phone and sending a group text to Whitney, Megan, and Crystal that ends with a little shocked face emoji.

_She just called. First session tomorrow at 4pm, my place. Holy shit._

The first two texts come in almost simultaneously, followed quickly by a couple of follow-up texts before Crystal finally weighs in 10 minutes later.

_Watson: Oh wow, that was fast! You ARE NOT coming into work tomorrow. Pinoe & I will meet you for breakfast & then you take the rest of the day to chill out and get yourself ready. Go to the gym, maybe a nice walk, take a long shower, GET RELAXED. You hear me?_

_Pinoe: Yaaas butch, get it! Did she sound hot? Maybe like a practical, free-spirited, deep thinker that her landscape IG posts would suggest? (Admit that I’m right, Whit!). Annnway, me and your uptight CTO will handle business, you just handle you tomorrow!_

_Watson: I am not uptight, Pinoe! And you’re so fucking wrong, always! _

_Pinoe: Whatever. Exactly what uptight CTO just said… we’ll see you for breakfast and get you all pumped up. Then you chill!_

_Watson: Oh look, me and the always wrong CFO finally agree on something! See, we got this. I’m actually excited for you Sherlock, this is gonna be great for you <3._

_Pinoe: Kissy face, butch. Love you, see you in the mornin._

_Minion: Whew, it’s happening! Everything those two said, I’m happy for you & so glad you’re going for it. I’m all yours to drive you around tomorrow & do anything you need, just name it. Boss lady got this shiz on lock!_

Ashlyn can’t help but smile at the texts, feeling like she has the best friends in the world. How could she not when they don’t even bat an eyelash at the fact that she’s about to engage in therapy-based sex with a complete stranger and that they actually encouraged her to do this. It certainly makes her feel a bit better about what she is about to do, somehow making it feel more normal. She chooses to just send one collective reply before changing her clothes and getting on the treadmill for a very long run in hopes that she’ll exhaust herself and be able to sleep tonight.

_You 3 are seriously everything right now, thank you. Watson, you’re totally uptight but one of us has to be. Pinoe, face it, you’re usually wrong about everything but finances...buuuut she did sound practical/professional, not sure about hot. Minion, stop fucking texting me while you’re in class & pay attention! Love you all so damn much, mean that. Also, holy fucking shit I’m nervous. Night ladies._

\-----------------

“Hey Babes! We still on for tonight?” Ali’s brother’s deep, but flamboyant voice greets her over the phone as usual.

“You know it, Beebs. I’ve already waited long enough for you to have a free night so we can finally go see Black Panther. I was starting think I’d have to drag you to fuckin’ Wakanda before you could get away from your salon people long enough to hang out! That’s the last I time I promise to wait for you to see a movie.” Ali mock complains, even though she knows she can be just as bad when she gets busy.

Despite living in the same city, usually one or both of them are too busy to hang out as much as they’d like to. Still, they make sure they see each other at least once a week no matter what and they talk on the phone most nights.

“Yeah, yeah, calm your tits.” Kyle sasses back. “It’s Fashion Week, not my fault people need good hair.”

“Yeah I know, the hair sage’s work is never done.” Ali rolls her eyes. Truth be told, she couldn’t be prouder of him.

“Oh, speaking of Fashion Week… wanna be my date tomorrow night to the Vanity Fair dinner event? One of my clients got me two tickets last minute!” Kyle says excitedly, knowing how much Ali likes to get dressed up and hoping it will make up for his lack of time to hang out lately.

“Aahhhh, noooo! I literally just scheduled something for tomorrow evening, can’t really reschedule.” Ali says regretfully and totally bummed out. “I mean, I could always come late…but that might not work for you. Where is it?” She offers.

“At the MET. It doesn’t start until 7pm and that’s just the mingling part before dinner. I’m sure we won’t even be seated until like 8pm if you want to try.” Kyle reasons.

“Ok, yeah. I think I can make it from Tribeca back to my place to change and then over to the MET by around 8pm. Let’s do it!” Ali says with a bit of relief. It’ll be tight timing, but she really wants to go and she should be able to swing it.

“What’s in Tribeca?” Kyle asks curiously.

“Oh, I have a new client. It’s uh… the first session.” Ali says with a slight mumble.

“What kind of new client?” Kyle presses even though he can tell by the way she said it.

“Surrogacy.” Ali says simply.

“Hmph.” Kyle hums.

“What? Just say it.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“Nothing, you know I think what you do is inspired.” He reassures her sweetly. “It’s just, you said last month that you probably weren’t going to take on another one and go back to focusing on routine therapy with your other clients. You seemed pretty adamant. Just wondering what changed?”

“Nothing really changed. I know that I’m not going to do this sex surrogate thing forever. I do want to have a normal dating life again. Think we both know I’ve learned that people just don’t know how to date a sex surrogate. I get it though, it’s hard to commit to someone who technically isn’t being physically monogamous.” Ali shrugs. “Anyway, nothing good on the dating horizon yet and I got a vaginismus case referred to me. You know how I feel about those. There’s just something that really hits me about someone who wants nothing but a satisfying sexual experience and they’re body just doesn’t let them get there. Besides, this one is pretty unique. Kind of an unusual age for being referred, only 31.” She explains. “I felt kind of invested before I even set up the appointment with her.”

“Right, right, vaginismus… the Alex Krieger Achilles heel. Such a sucker for a vagina on lockdown.” Kyle can’t help but tease before getting serious. “Well if anyone can help her, you can. You’re so good at what you do, babes. And wow, 31…yeah that is pretty unique, but good for her for trying to solve it sooner rather than later.”

He and Ali have talked a lot about this particular condition given her interest in it. Usually her vaginismus clients are middle-aged housewives who have finally decided to seek help after years of hiding their condition and battling through terrible sex most of their lives. In part, that’s because the younger women with this condition usually find success with routine sex therapy and self-care solutions in having addressed it sooner rather than later in life.

“Plus the referral came from Nancy Merriman. She rarely reaches out unless she’s tried every other angle with a client, so this one must be a tough situation. Anyway, I found myself unable to stay away despite my plan to not take on anyone new.” Ali admits.

“Well, you haven’t had a failure yet with these cases and this one sounds like a challenge. Never bet against a Krieger! So, I guess very lucky for that new client that you said yes.” Kyle praises his sister. “Besides Al, you have plenty of time to get back to normal dating life. And you know how I feel about life timing. Everything happens exactly the way it’s supposed to without us imposing our will on it.” He adds thoughtfully.

“Yeah, I know. Of all people, I should know that better than most. Thank you.” Ali says appreciatively with a smile.

“You bet, babes.” Kyle says before getting back to the original topic at hand. “Ok, so wanna catch the earlier Black Panther show and then hit 5th Ave afterwards so we can get you a dress for tomorrow night?”

“You know me too well.” Ali laughs. “But yes, absolutely.”

“Of course I do! We share the same diva DNA, hunny!” Kyle chuckles.

“Ok, meet you at the theater near your place in 30 minutes then?” Ali suggests.

“I’ll be there, I’ll be queer, I’ll have the best hair!” Kyle singsongs.

“Easy there, RuPaul.” Ali deadpans. “I really gotta get moving if I’m gonna get there on time! See you soon, BYE!”


	4. Ripping Off the Band-Aid (Session 1- Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you'll soon see, I am organizing chapters in this story mostly by the 'therapy sessions'. Most session chapters are long and so I will often split them into two parts (and yes, each of these parts are lengthy too). 
> 
> Here is the first part of session 1 where Ali and Ashlyn meet for the first time. Hold onto your hat ;-)

Session 1 (Part 1) - Ripping off the Band-Aid

Ashlyn sighs deeply, standing in the middle of her large walk-in closet scanning her options for probably the tenth time now. She knows she has to just make a decision seeing as how it’s 3pm already and she still needs to get dressed, style her hair, and get her makeup right. Alexandra Krieger will be here in an hour.

What does one even wear for this occasion? Something comfortable that allows for ease but is less flattering? Or something more dapper and impressive at the cost of being more complicated given where things might lead? What exactly did the woman even mean by ‘more intense and physical than you are probably expecting’ but not sex? She ran it by Whit, Megan, and Crystal, but they had no guesses either. Maybe she should’ve asked more questions and not tried to play it cool.

“Fuck. Chill, Ash…just chill.” She chides herself in a whisper as she feels the tranquility she’s worked hard for all day start to slip away. She lets out a deep breath and finally grabs something middle-of-the-road, slim fitting light wash jeans, a dark gray button down shirt, and some classic black Vans slip-on sneakers that she wears sockless.

Today has actually gone better than she expected, managing to keep herself in check for most of it. Whit and Megan were a nice distraction during a long breakfast. Although she had discussed the basics of the phone conversation with them, they were great in naturally transitioning to something else so that she didn’t obsess over it. The two friends had provided her some much needed support without fixating on the situation.

Crystal had not only driven Ashlyn to the gym she goes to when she doesn’t work out at home, but also stayed and pushed her almost as hard as a personal trainer would. After that, Ashlyn had opted to do something that always made her feel more confident and good about herself. She got a haircut. There is just something about a nice, tight and fresh fade, her longer hair on top trimmed just enough to make it hold perfectly into a stylish pompadour. It makes her feel brand new every time. It’s symbolic really when she thinks about what she hopes tonight is the beginning of. Something brand new. Not broken, not tarnished, not worn, but brand new.

3:43pm. She’s ready, been ready since 3:30pm really. Now what? She tries hard not to pace around the wide open space of the penthouse, stopping instead to watch the bustling NYC traffic on the streets below, the boats moving along the Hudson River and the Upper Bay. Before she even knows she’s doing it, she’s pacing again.

3:57pm. Ashlyn’s phone vibrates in her pocket, making her jump a bit and her heart race.

_Minion: No worries in the looks department, she is a ba-boom knock-out! Good luck, boss lady!_

She reads the text again, momentarily thrown off guard by it, before finally replying.

_Boss Lady: Really? She’s here? Where are you even?_

_Minion: In the lobby lounge chillin. She’s talkin to Phil at the desk. She seems nice._

_Boss Lady: Creeper. WTH are you doing in the lobby?! _

_Minion: Just lookin out. Trust me, this is what you pay me for. You got this. Remember to stay cool and say hello. Good luck!_

_Boss Lady: Thanks, stalker. _

_Christ, why am I such a spaz over this?_ Ashlyn notices her hands are trembling as she pockets her phone and jumps again when the phone on the wall rings. “Hello.” She quickly picks it up.

“Hello Ms. Harris, it’s Phil at security desk. Alexandra Krieger is here to see you, should I send her up?” The guard’s voice sounds over the line.

“Yeah, Phil. Thank you.” Ashlyn manages to get out in a thick voice.

“You’re welcome, have a good evening.” Phil replies back and hangs up.

4:00pm. Ashlyn checks her watch and lets out a deep breath. The woman did say she was rarely ever late, she didn’t lie.

_Fuck. Breathe, Ash. Fuck._ Ashlyn straightens her shirt and checks her appearance on one of the decorative wall mirrors. She can now hear the low whir of the elevator growing ever closer, knowing that the door is going to open any second and Alexandra Krieger will be standing in her penthouse. She puts her hands in her pockets, not sure what to do with them or how to stand. Should she stand near the elevator or is that too much? Should she sit down on the couch and just act nonchalant or is that too casual and weird? “Ugh.” She lets out a frustrated groan and finally settles herself about 15 feet from the elevator, one hand in her pocket, just as she hears the light thud that signals the elevator stopping.

_Ding._

\-------

“Sheesh.” Ali’s eyes go wide as walks into 45 Park Place and looks around; ritzy isn’t even the word. There’s a huge library with a fancy lounge that a couple people are hanging around in and even a huge damn fountain in the lobby. The security desk looks more stylish than the reception area of any high end hotel she’s ever been in. Again, she’s had some well off clients before, but Ashlyn Harris seems to blow them out of the water. 

She notices a few artistic circle mirrors on the wall as she walks to the security desk and checks out her appearance to make sure she looks ok. She usually just keeps it simple and puts her hair up into a bun, but knowing that she’ll be rushed to get ready for the Vanity Fair dinner with Kyle tonight, she opted to do her makeup a bit heavier and styled her hair so it’s down. At least her simple outfit of tight black jeans and a light green cashmere sweater tones it down a bit.

“Hello, I’m Alexandra Krieger. I have an appointment with Ashlyn Harris.” Ali says once she gets to the desk and the security guard looks up at her.

“Good afternoon, Ms. Krieger. I’ll just need your ID and I’ll check the list to make sure you’re on it.” A clean cut guy with “Phillip Keyes” on his name tag replies politely.

“Thank you.” Ali hands him her ID and watches him scan it and check the computer in front of him.

“Thank you, Ms. Krieger. You are all set and she’s expecting you. I just need to call up to let her know you’re here.” Phillip explains and calls Ashlyn.

Ali watches the man have a very short conversation on the phone before he hands her a small piece of paper.

“You’re good to go on up, Ms. Krieger. You’ll want to use elevator P2 over there on the left.” He points to the set of elevators behind him and to the left. “This is the access code you’ll need to type into the keypad by the elevator. It’s a one-time use code, so if anything doesn’t work right you’ll need to come back and get another one from me. No need to do anything else, it’s a private elevator that opens right into her penthouse. She’s waiting for you.” He explains as he points to the piece of paper he just gave her.

“Ok, I think I can handle that. Thank you.” Ali smiles at him.

“You’re welcome. Have a great evening.” He smiles back.

Despite being slightly nervous that she’d mess up entering the code and have to embarrassingly go back to the security desk, she manages to do it easily and is on her way up in no time. She figures the building has to be at least 50 stories and she’s obviously headed to the top, but the elevator is as modern as the rest of the place and gets to its destination quickly.

She barely has time to prepare herself before the elevator dings and the door slides open, her eyes taking a couple seconds to adjust to the sudden flood of light after being in the dim elevator. She briefly scans the wide open and orderly space before piercing hazel eyes and a single-dimpled smile approach her, a hand being held out towards her as the soft-feminine voice from yesterday’s phone call fills the air.

\-----

“Hi, I’m Ashlyn. Thanks for coming.” Ashlyn introduces herself with a smile and holds her hand out for a polite handshake. _Jesus Christ. _Crystal wasn’t kidding, the woman is breathtakingly beautiful. She has a sweet face, whiskey colored brown eyes, and dark sable hair that flows softly over her shoulders. _Breathe._

“Nice to meet you. I’m Alexandra. Well most people call me Ali or Alex, so feel free to go with one of those.” Ali smiles back, not even sure why she threw out Alex as an option since only a few people close to her call her that, but she’s a bit stunned at the moment and trying to find some composure.

Ali isn’t sure what she expected, she’s doesn’t usually picture her clients ahead of time. Still, the soft feminine voice over the phone had obviously put something in her head because she’s definitely caught off-guard right now. Ashlyn is tall and trim, her facial features angular, her shoulders are broad, her short light-brown hair is buzzed into a skin-fade that blends seamlessly into a high volume wave that looks salon-styled, and her outfit is casually stylish. She’s handsome and somewhat masculine in a way, but also completely soft and feminine overall. The perfect contrast of it all is stunning, it’s beautiful.

_Wow. _Ali’s feels her heart rate pick up a little bit as she shakes the woman’s hand which is large enough to completely envelope her own smaller one in a neither too soft nor too firm handshake. Add that to the fact that this penthouse is something out of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, and she’s off kilter in a way that she never is with clients.

“Your place is incredible. Truly.” Ali lets go of Ashlyn’s hand and gives herself a few more seconds to look around.

“Oh, um, thank you. I fell in love with it the first time I saw it.” Ashlyn replies back softly and puts a little space between them again, scratching the back of her head and trying not to stare at the gorgeous brunette as the woman looks around the room. If she was nervous before, she’s about ready to hyperventilate now.

“I would too. I’ve never been in a penthouse like this before. Look at that view, it’s amazing!” Ali takes in the floor-to-ceiling glass that surrounds all of the outer penthouse, making it almost feel like you’re floating in the sky above the Hudson River.

The layout is completely open, the furniture and artwork are modern, everything with clean lines and in shades of white, black, and gray with some rustic wood elements here and there. Outside the glass window is an amazingly spacious balcony that spans the whole side of the building, some comfortable outdoor furniture and plants out there making it look like the patio of someone’s upscale country home. There’s a huge kitchen with a large counter and bar area, a library with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves that also features a long rectangular fireplace, and an open spiral staircase just off the living room area that clearly leads to an upper floor. Everything is meticulously tied together with elegant chairs, side tables, plants, and smaller decorations. There is even a home gym off in one corner with several pieces of very expensive looking equipment. The place is a literal dream home, all of it perfect.

“I’d show you around, but you can pretty much see all of it.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly, joking about the completely open space that is only segmented and defined by furniture and area rugs placed strategically. “Well the main parts anyway. Upstairs is just the master bedroom and bathroom, a small office, and another guest room and guest bathroom.” She adds.

“Definitely no need for a tour.” Ali laughs back, her eyes settling on the hazel ones still gazing at her from a few feet away.

_That laugh. _Ashlyn’s stomach flutters. “Can I get you something to drink? Water, soda, sports drink, juice, something stronger? I pretty much have it all in here.” She offers politely, not sure what else do to with herself right now, her hand going back into her pocket.

“Water would be great.” Ali smiles.

“Still or sparkling?” Ashlyn asks.

“Oh, fancy.” Ali teases a bit. “In that case, sparkling.” Her face breaks out into a grin.

_That smile. _Ashlyn’s heart starts drumming at the nose crinkling smile that takes over the brunette’s whole face. “Be right back.” She makes her way over to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of Perrier. “Want me to pour it into a glass for you with some ice?” She calls over.

“Don’t bother, the bottle is great.” Ali answers appreciatively. “Thank you.” She takes the bottle that Ashlyn hands her and gets a little nod from the woman.

“So, I want to ask you to sit and make yourself comfortable, but…I uh…well, I’m not sure what space is the best for this.” Ashlyn looks around the room and scratches the back of her head again. “Anywhere is fine. Not sure if the library works or the living room area or…” She trails off.

“The living room seems great for now if that’s comfortable for you.” Ali suggests, eyeing the long leather couch with a few matching chairs adjacent to it.

“Yeah that’s great.” Ashlyn motions for her to sit.

Ali settles on one side of the couch, putting her handbag down beside her and watching as Ashlyn sits in the adjacent chair so that they can more easily face each other. She pulls a thin folder out of her bag and places it on the coffee table. “That’s just a hard copy of my own test results and my contact information so you have it.” Ali explains.

“Great, thank you.” Ashlyn nods, trying to decide if her posture is too stiff right now as she sits slightly forward in her chair with her feet planted flat on the floor, hands folded in her lap.

“Are you nervous?” Ali asks gently even though it’s clear the striking woman is tense by the way she’s sitting.

“Uh, honestly…very.” Ashlyn confesses with a small, shy smile.

“It’s ok. Really. Everyone is nervous the first time.” Ali reassures her. “We’re off to a great start though.” She smiles. “Honesty is everything in this process. It might be one of the hardest things, but above all else, that’s what I’m asking of you in our sessions together. Always, always be honest and open with me about anything and everything. There is no inappropriate, no polite, no rude. Whatever you are thinking and feeling is valid and exactly what needs to be said. So please, say it. Don’t ever hold back. I can promise you that no matter what it is, it will lead to something positive.”

“I can do that.” Ashlyn smiles. “Actually, I’m a pretty blunt person. Many people find it to be my greatest strength and my greatest flaw all at once.”

“Well I don’t see it as a flaw at all and it’ll certainly help you majorly on this journey we’re about to embark on, trust me.” Ali replies. “But, I can tell you right now that you’re not used to being honest about many of things we’re going to work on and talk about. And that’s the goal, to be honest about all those things and learning to be open about them.”

“Hmm, well I was getting slightly less nervous until you said that.” Ashlyn says a bit playfully.

“Sorry.” Ali slightly crinkles her nose. “In the spirit of honesty though, I’ll probably make you a lot more nervous before I make you less nervous.”

“Sounds fun.” Ashlyn raises her eyebrows skeptically.

“It’ll be ok, I promise you. Just trust in the process and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with how far you’ll go.” Ali says assuredly.

“Ok. I’m fully committed to being open about this whole thing. I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t.” Ashlyn reveals, in some ways increasingly anxious now while simultaneously feeling herself get lulled by the woman’s warm whiskey eyes, her radiant smile, and her seemingly unwavering confidence.

“Glad to hear that.” Ali replies with a smile. “So before we really get started, I want to go over one thing related to what I was just saying about honesty.” She sets the stage for her usual forewarning. “As I mentioned over the phone, we’ll be building a personal connection as much as a physical one. The intimate things we’ll be focusing on and the overall openness between us… with that connection will come feelings. They can be good or bad, or both. Sometimes they will be friendly and other times they’ll feel romantic. It’s extremely rare that feelings of some kind don’t develop in the sex surrogate and client relationship, that’s just the nature of it. And quite candidly, if you’re not feeling things towards me, good or bad, I feel like I’m not doing my job properly. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I guess it does.” Ashlyn scratches the back of her head again as she thinks it over. “Not knowing exactly what to expect, I haven’t really thought of all this stuff and what it might be like.” She admits.

“That’s ok. That’s what I’m here for. My job is to guide us through this and you don’t have to think of all these things ahead of time.” Ali says calmly. “That’s why I’m telling you this now. Because I don’t want you worried about what you are feeling. Whatever you feel is completely normal and completely ok. Nothing you feel is inappropriate or wrong. Just stay open with me and I’ll do the same. That’s how we navigate this.”

“Ok, got it.” Ashlyn nods as she takes it all in. “Geez, this is more complex than I realized.”

“It definitely is.” Ali smiles. “And just when you thought I was only gonna come in here and take your clothes off.” She jokes and hears Ashlyn laugh just as she adds “Well actually, I pretty much am gonna do that.”

“Uh, ok.” Ashlyn‘s laugh dies right down, her hand going to scratch the back of her head yet again as she’s not sure what to make of that last part.

“Let’s just dive into today’s session and you’ll understand better.” Ali suggests and sees Ashlyn nod. “I call this first session ‘ripping off the Band-Aid’ because that is pretty much what it feels like. Most of what dictates our intimate experiences are our feelings about our own physical and mental selves, more so than the person we are engaging in the intimate experience with. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I’m following.” Ashlyn replies after considering it.

“Ok, so part of this process is learning to be open about yourself. About what you’re feeling about your body and what you’re feeling emotionally.” Ali elaborates. “Opening up emotions with someone takes time, it takes investment and conversation. That’s not something you can really rip the Band-Aid off of so-to-speak.” She pauses for a second to make sure Ashlyn is still following. “However, with our physical selves, it’s different. Our bodies are what they are. There are things we like about them, things we hate, and things we’re embarrassed or scared of. It does take emotional effort, but the body is something that we can actually just put out there and process. Something we can actually rip the Band-Aid off of. Do you know what I mean?”

“Sort of.” Ashlyn tries to comprehend.

“Let me explain a bit more. So right now, we don’t really know much about each other. We’re not personally connected or invested yet, right?” Ali asks.

“Right.” Ashlyn agrees.

“So, what we’re mostly working with today is our physical appearance. Also our body language, our demeanor. Physical impressions for the most part.” Ali furthers.

“Ok, yeah.” Ashlyn nods.

“Believe it or not, having an emotional connection first usually makes having a physical connection after that harder because by that point we tend to be more invested and apprehensive about what that person thinks of our physical appearance. So, what I like to do is rip the Band-Aid off when it comes the physical body first. Before emotional connection and personal investment become part of this process, we work with just the physical today. We bare all the elements of physical assets, vulnerability, and curiosity that exist between us. We take any barriers related to our physical selves and we expose them, process them, and put them aside right from the start.” Ali says straight forwardly.

“I think I get it. So, how do we…” Ashlyn trails off, not exactly sure what ‘rip the Band-Aid off’ means in this context.

“Pretty simple, we get naked.” Ali smiles kindly and watches Ashlyn’s eyes widen.

“Wow, ok.” Ashlyn shakes her head a bit. “So by Band-Aid, you mean my pants.” She tries to joke around her ever increasing anxiety.

“Yep.” Ali laughs and just keeps going. She can tell the woman is on edge, but she’s being a great sport so far. “So, I’m fine with whatever is good for you in terms of location. We can stay right here, but I just want to make sure you feel as comfortable as you can be. So, I don’t know if you want to close any blinds, change anything up, you tell me. I’m good with whatever.” She says as she eyes the completely floor-to-ceiling glass that technically exposes them to NYC even though they’re high up.

“Oh, yeah. Here is good, but uh…probably should give us some privacy.” Ashlyn reaches to grab a complicated looking remote control on the coffee table. “Despite the fact that you’d probably need binoculars to see in here, you never know what those shady businessmen are up to in that building over there. Wouldn’t want to give anyone a free show.” She chuckles softly and motions to another tall building in the distance as she pushes a couple buttons on the remote, thin shades suddenly dropping down from the ceiling to cover the windows and the overhead lights automatically brightening a bit.

“Again, fancy.” Ali smiles at the quick room transformation.

“I surprisingly did not pay extra for that.” Ashlyn laughs shyly again even as she feels herself getting shaky.

“Ready?” Ali asks, finding the woman’s nervous laughter endearing.

“Ready as I’m gonna get.” Ashlyn replies and lets out a deep breath, willing herself to be brave.

“I know you’re really nervous, that’s ok.” Ali reassures the woman one more time, watching Ashlyn run her palms on her jeans as she sits there looking like a deer in the headlights. “It’s best to just go about it unceremoniously and quickly, ok? So, maybe let’s just both get up and strip down.”

“Sorry. Uh yeah, ok.” Ashlyn mimics Ali and gets to her feet. She couldn’t feel more like an inexperienced teenager if she tried right now and she wonders when she ever got this timid around another woman.

“Don’t be sorry.” Ali smiles at her and tries to make it as easy as she can. “Tell you what, we’ll both look down until we’re naked. Then we’ll look up together on a three count, ok?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn replies more confidently, her eyes immediately looking down at the floor when she sees the brunette start to pull up the bottom hem of her sweater. She swallows hard and gets to work on the buttons of her shirt, wishing now that she hadn’t buttoned it all the way up and glad that she opted for no undershirt and no socks so she doesn’t fumble too much. After dropping her pants and boxer briefs in one motion, she notices that the brunette is standing still in her peripheral vision and moves to quickly pull her sports bra off so she doesn’t delay this.

“Ready?” Ali asks, her eyes trained on the rustic wood floor but still able to see that Ashlyn seems to be done now.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn replies softly, her eyes fixated on the brunette’s toes which are perfectly manicured with a light pink polish.

“Ok, deep breath.” Ali directs. “1…2…3…look up.”

\---

_Holy shit. Holy shit. Breathe. _Ashlyn can’t even begin to worry about what the brunette is thinking about her because her eyes are too busy raking up and down the woman’s body as her mind spins. _Perfect. She’s fucking flawless. _She’s not particularly petite, more so athletic with impeccably tanned skin save for some bikini lines. She’s toned and sculpted, slightly curvy in just the right places, breasts small and perky with nipples an alluring shade of rosy pink, even her belly button is attractive.

_Jesus, she has ink too_. Ashlyn cranes her head slightly, trying to figure out the large swath of black script running diagonally along the brunette’s whole left rib cage, but it seems to be in another language. There is a small black script on her left forearm too, but she can’t make that out either. Another small tattoo that looks like a crest of some sort graces her right hipbone.

_Most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. _The thought runs through Ashlyn’s head before the rest of her brain can even catch up. _Wait. Ever? Yeah, ever. But she’s not at all like…Oh my god. _That’s when it hits her like a brick to the face. The brunette is not at all like Sloane…she didn’t even think to compare them right away. _I didn’t compare them. The first time ever_. She’s simultaneously shocked and proud, something really heavy inside feeling shifted even if not necessarily lighter. The questions start swirling in her mind… _have I always done this…do they always look like her…is this my problem?_ For as many questions as she has, the answer right now is the same: Alexandra Krieger is the most beautiful woman she has ever seen and in no way, shape, or form is she like Sloane Jentz. That alone is enough to make the universe explode in this moment.

\---

_Oh wow, damn. Look at what was hiding under that clothes. _Ali’s eyes can’t take in anything but all of inked skin in front of her. Ashlyn Harris is covered in tattoos that she hadn’t noticed at all until now. A full left arm sleeve of what looks like some kind of mythological theme. A mostly covered right arm that features an owl and a face-in-transformation from a skull with roses emerging from it on the lower arm…another inked woman with some kind of spiral behind her and some words all around it that she can’t read from this distance on the upper arm. There are more words on the tops of Ashlyn’s shoulders, a wreath of leaves around the base of her neck, a Venus symbol just below the middle of her chest. A mermaid covers the length of her right thigh, a Lady Liberty and a skull with a headdress spans from her ankle to her knee on that leg. Her left thigh looks like another mythological god with a shark emerging from the beard. All of it is in black ink, except for a large color tattoo that takes up the left side of her torso…flowers, a butterfly, a bird, a crucifix, what looks like a name that runs along the underside of her breast. _She’s a human art gallery._

It doesn’t take much longer before Ali’s eyes look beyond the tattoos, her stomach dropping a bit. For the second time today, she’s discombobulated in a way she never is with a client. _Gorgeous. She’s absolutely gorgeous. _She literally feels herself stir inside at the woman in front of her. Ashlyn is long, lean, and defined in every way. She’s not bulky at all, but she’s incredibly fit with every muscle making itself known. The woman actually has visible abs, not to mention a cut v-line that runs from the top of her hips and down to her center. Her skin is sort of fair, but also sort of golden with a smattering of light freckles in spots, and it looks so smooth and soft.

_She’s stunning. _A warning bulb goes off in the back of Ali’s head…she’s never been attracted to a client like this before, ever. She can’t even remember the last time she was this level of attracted to anyone, period. _Be careful._

_\---_

“Alright Ashlyn, we need to start talking while we look, ok?” Ali breaks the now several minutes of silence they’ve spent looking each other over.

Ashlyn can only nod a bit dumbly as she tries to remember to breathe.

“Let’s face it, the first thing we’re honed in on right now is each other and not ourselves. So let’s focus on that and start there. We’re going to tell each other our very blunt first impressions…no hurt feelings, so truth only. I’m going to break the ice and go first so you know what I mean.” Ali instructs and gets another little nod from the woman.

“So, you’re the first client that I have ever been physically attracted to and very attracted at that. This a very different feeling for me.” Ali just puts it out there directly and sees Ashlyn’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Really?” Ashlyn’s voice comes out high pitched, her surprise evident. 

“Yes, really. Blunt truth, remember? I usually work with older and middle-aged women and also disabled individuals. And while I find beauty in every person’s body in some way, the truth is that I’ve never been so automatically sexually attracted to a client before.” Ali elaborates.

“How does that work for you with…” Ashlyn trails off.

Ali smiles, knowing what she’s getting at. “A good personal connection does a lot to make physical intimacy feel good, even when the initial attraction isn’t there. You can find attraction in more than physicality, right?”

“Oh yeah…duh. I know exactly what you mean. Dumb question.” Ashlyn shakes her head at herself.

“Not a dumb question at all. Ready for me to keep going?” Ali checks and gets a head nod. “Tattoos are a turn on for me, and yours are… well… positively striking. And I had no idea you had any at all, so that was a really nice surprise. I’ve never been with a woman as physically fit as you are. Your body belongs in a fitness magazine and you’re perfectly proportioned. I can’t stop looking at your eyes and that single dimple you have actually makes me nervous in a good way. You’re truly beautiful and also sexy at the same time, you’re human art. And my first thought once all of that hit me was that I need to remember to be really aware of myself, open, and careful since this is new territory for me as a therapist. Also, you smell really good.” Ali finishes with a smile. “Your turn.”

“Christ…” Ashlyn lets out a long, deep breath. “You weren’t kidding even a little when you said blunt.” Her stomach is doing somersaults right now.

“Nope. I really wasn’t. Come on, you can do it.” Ali encourages.

“Ok, well…if I had to design the perfect looking woman, you’re her. And it’s completely confusing the hell out of me because I didn’t even know that until right now. I feel like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. You’re very honestly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and you’re nothing like my ex-girlfriend in any way. I’m pretty sure you’re the only woman that I haven’t compared to her right off the bat, ever. And I have no idea why. I just know that you’re flawless, just so damn attractive in every way…all of you. It’s a sudden realization that everyone I’ve been with before has looked pretty much like my ex, and I feel sort of confused. But I’m also like happy…or maybe relieved… I don’t know. Like feeling free almost in the fact that I find you attractive without my ex being so much as a thought in that feeling, let alone a comparison. I’m pretty mind blown.” Ashlyn lets out another breath so she can just get the rest out.

“I obviously love your tattoos even though I have no idea what they say. Your smile literally lights up this room. You’re not the only one who can’t stop looking at eyes, and the way you’ve just been looking at me for the last few minutes is making me breathe all crazy. This feels like a dream, Alex. You’re a literal dream.” Ashlyn finishes strong.

_Oh. _Ali gets caught up in ‘Alex’ for a second before she can even process anything else, forgetting that she threw that nickname out as an option earlier as it catches her off guard now. This is far from the first time a client has told her she’s beautiful or even ‘the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen’, but hearing this woman say it is…different…completely different. Their eyes are locked onto each other and the air between feels heavy and electric._ Easy. Be careful. Pull it back. _She knows she needs to reign it all in. It’s her job to guide them, her job to keep things in control.

“You sure caught onto the honesty thing fast.” Ali smiles. “That’s really good. You’re doing great. Thank you for being so open about the ex-girlfriend part. We’re going to stay away from that right now because it’s not where I want us to be focused at the moment, but I want you to know that I hear you and we’ll get into that more eventually.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn acknowledges and suddenly feels really proud of herself for managing to say all that stuff out loud.

“Normally, I’d ask you to tell me what you find most and least attractive about me and then I’d tell you the same. But, given what was just said, it seems like maybe that’s not realistic right now for either of us. Unless I totally read your ‘flawless’ statement wrong and there is something right now that you can tell me is least attractive to you?” Ali questions with a little smile.

“Truly cannot. You heard me right.” Ashlyn replies easily.

“Ok, I’m feeling the same. So maybe that’s something we circle back to another time when we get to know each other better and this is less of a novelty.” Ali suggests and gets another nod.

“So then, let’s completely change things up. I want us to focus on ourselves now and not at all on each other.” Ali directs. “I’m going to tell you what I like most about my body, what I’m most proud of and confident in. And then also what I hate about it, what I feel vulnerable or self-conscious about. And then you’ll do the same, ok? And let’s stay conscious of the fact that while the end goal here is to feel more comfortable with each other physically, we still have our own deeply rooted vulnerabilities and we’re not going to be able to just get rid of them. The goal today is a greater comfort and trust with each other, not trying to erase each other’s physical susceptibilities.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn replies. She was a feeling a little calmer and more settled, but she knows what’s inevitably coming. This part is always hard for her no matter how many times she does it and it always comes with a letdown.

“I’ll go first again to get us going.” Ali starts. “What I like best about my body is my arms. I like that I can see my biceps, makes me feel kind of bad ass. I also really like my hair. In general, I’m pretty proud of my upper body. My breasts are definitely smallish and sometimes that very occasionally bothers me, but then I also realize it’s a blessing when it comes to certain clothes and working out, so I appreciate them. That’s the good. My greatest vulnerability is my hips and thighs. I know they’re strong, but they feel huge to me. I feel self-conscious about it around just about any other woman that has thinner legs and hips. And having to size up in skinny jeans to accommodate my quads definitely doesn’t help. Your turn.”

“Alright…uh, can I say something about what you said first?” Ashlyn asks.

“Of course, just as long as it’s honest and you’re not saying it because you feel like you have to make me feel more secure.” Ali replies straight-forwardly.

“It’s just my truthful gut reaction, promise. I was surprised because your thighs and hips are one of my favorite things about your body. I like that they’re strong like that. Just wanted you to know.” Ashlyn says frankly, already picturing how amazing this woman’s ass must be despite the fact that she can’t fully see it from this angle.

“Thank you.” Ali gives her a little smile. “I’ll admit that hearing that does make me a little less self-conscious about it right now. But, talk to me about you.” She gets them back on track.

“Ok. I’m most proud of being physically fit. I work really hard to get my body to look like this. And it’s not out of vanity or to show it off. It’s actually kind of the opposite, more of a private thing where I like to push to my body to see what it’s capable of. Being strong and fit makes me feel safe. And being able to actually see the results of that just reinforces that inner safety and keeps me pushing harder. I also love my tattoos, all of them. I consider them a deeply physical part of me and they each have a story…each one is a part of my journey.” Ashlyn divulges.

Ali nods, filing away that ‘safe’ statement just like she filed away the one about the ex-girlfriend for a later time. “You’re doing great.” She encourages before pressing on. “So, is there anything that you feel self-conscious about?”

“Pubic hair.” Ashlyn says matter-of-factly.

“Ok, gonna need more than that.” Ali prompts, a tad surprised by the answer.

“When I’m first naked with someone, it’s the first thing I feel self-conscious about. Because it’s almost never something you discuss beforehand and sometimes people have preferences and sometimes they don’t. But you just don’t know, and you don’t know what they’re thinking. Like, I don’t have a preference at all, but that would never come out unless someone asked me directly or it just came up in conversation. And that conversation doesn’t tend to happen until you’ve already had sex with the person a couple times. So, then it’s awkward if they have a preference that you don’t fit even though you had no idea. Anyway, it’s always something unknown that makes me feel self-conscious at first… and that is enough for me to kind of keep things middle-of-the-road.” Ashlyn rambles out, motioning to her crotch which is fairly smooth but has a small well-trimmed patch of hair on her mound.

“Ok, good to know. For the record, I have no preference at all. Whatever a person is comfortable with on themselves, that’s what I like.” Ali replies, realizing that she takes the same middle-of-the-road approach to her own grooming. Ashlyn’s answer is more superficial than the ones she usually gets and she’s trying to figure out what is behind it. “So, is that where you feel the most vulnerable? In not knowing people’s preferences for things like that and where you might fit?” She probes a bit.

“No.” Ashlyn replies simply. “That’s my self-conscious. My vulnerable is… different.”

“Ok, are you able talk to me about the vulnerable?” Ali asks really gently. She can see that Ashlyn’s body has physically tensed, her last statement sounding a bit short and like something is shutting down.

“I can… I can show you.” Ashlyn practically whispers. _Just get it over with and move on._

“Hey Ashlyn, whatever you can handle or want to do, ok? I’m not pushing you on this.” Ali implores her softly as she sees the woman shake out her hands a bit and look at the floor.

“I know.” Ashlyn replies and takes a really deep breath, letting it out slowly. She’s done this many times now because there’s really no hiding it once clothes come off, but it still hasn’t gotten any easier. “I’m ready.” She closes her eyes and turns around.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger, but I had to cut it off somewhere. Next part coming on Monday!


	5. Ripping Down the Curtain (Session 1-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this one a bit early since I'll be away most of the day tomorrow and didn't want to make you wait any longer on that cliff I left you on! Next chapter will be up on Thursday, but at least this one is long.  
I'll remind you that both of these characters come from very dark places, so the roller coaster starts now. Enjoy, and as usual, let me know what you think!

Session 1 (Part 2) – Ripping Down the Curtain

_“No.” Ashlyn replies simply. “That’s my self-conscious. My vulnerable is… different.”_

_“Ok, are you able talk to me about the vulnerable?” Ali asks really gently. She can see that Ashlyn’s body has physically tensed, her last statement sounding a bit short and like something is shutting down._

_“I can… I can show you.” Ashlyn practically whispers. Just get it over with and move on._

_“Hey Ashlyn…whatever you can handle or want to do, ok? I’m not pushing you on this.” Ali implores her softly as she sees the woman shake out her hands a bit and look at the floor._

_“I know.” Ashlyn replies and takes a really deep breath, letting it out slowly. She’s done this many times now because there’s really no hiding it once clothes come off, but it still hasn’t gotten any easier. “I’m ready.” She closes her eyes and turns around._

_Continuation…_

_Oh shit. Oh my god, no. _Ali heart drops as her eyes dart around Ashlyn’s back. It’s covered… a mess of crisscrossed lines. _Scars_. All over it… her shoulders, her lower back, even a bit on the back of her arms. Most are thin and almost dimpled in spots, but there are a handful that are wider and raised, leaving no doubt that they had once been awful wounds. _There are so many. _She’s seen her fair share of clients with scars or disfigurement, but nothing quite like this. Nothing, not even close._ Torture. Abuse._ There’s no doubt. Something inside her hurts just looking at it, but the warning in her head goes off again. _You need to guide this._

“I see now, Ashlyn. But still, talk to me if you can. What are you thinking right now? What specifically makes this vulnerable for you?” Ali treads very carefully. “Is it me seeing it and knowing something happened to you? Are you worried about what I’m thinking? Or does it bring up feelings or emotions about it?”

_Fuck. Calm down_. Ashlyn takes another deep breath. “It doesn’t bring up old feelings. It happened a very long time ago and I’ve worked that part out.” She starts there. “I’m not really ashamed of it or worried about how it nasty looks. I’m over that too.” She pauses and tries to explain it. “It just makes it really clear that I went through something bad. It’s human nature to feel pity for people like me. At least it feels that way when I face someone after they’ve seen it. That’s what feels vulnerable. That after someone sees it and I see the way they look at me differently, then I never know if what they feel for me from that point forward is genuine or just out of feeling bad for me.”

“Thank you for telling me that.” Ali says softly. “Is it hard for you to not be able to see my reaction right now?”

_Keep talking. It’s ok_. “Extremely.” Ashlyn confesses. “I don’t generally like people behind me for obvious reasons, but then not being able to see someone’s face when they’re looking at it…and to know I’m going to turn around and see that look, it’s feels like doom right now.”

“You’re doing so well at talking to me.” Ali keeps encouraging her. “Remember that with me you’re always getting completely unfiltered truth. Whatever you see when you turn around is what you would’ve seen when you couldn’t see me. You can hold me to that.” Ali assures her. “Can I ask you one more thing before you turn around?”

“I appreciate your honesty more than you know.” Ashlyn tells her. “And yeah, you can ask me anything.”

“Just like what you said about your ex-girlfriend, we’re not going to delve into what’s behind those scars today. We will eventually if you’re willing to talk about it, but that’s not where the focus is right now.” Ali prefaces her question. “Your diagnosis is secondary situational vaginismus. What that tells me is that it’s secondary because it started occurring sometime after you’d already had a normal sexual experience, and that it’s situational because it only happens to you in a certain context and not others. Just so I can start understanding a little bit more… the scars on your back, is that what makes your diagnosis either secondary or situational, or both?”

“Neither. I mean, it’s a part of who I am and it’s weaved into everything because of that, but no, that’s not the root of it. It’s the ex-girlfriend, that’s what makes it both secondary and situational.” Ashlyn replies candidly.

“Ok, thank you for answering that.” Ali says kindly, feeling like she has a bit more insight now even if it’s minimal. “Are you ready to turn around?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn shakes out her hands again, trying to steel herself for what she’ll see when she turns around. For the usual letdown.

“Go ahead.” Ali instructs softly and watches the woman turn around with her eyes still trained on the floor. “Take your time and look at me, it’s ok.”

Ashlyn releases one more deep breath and lets her eyes find the warm whiskey ones looking back at her. _She’s so beautiful. _That initial thought is fleeting though as the usual anxiety sets in and she searches the brunette’s face. _What is she thinking? _She can’t figure out the look she sees.

“What do you see, Ashlyn?” Ali asks gently, watching the woman look at her almost blankly.

“I don’t know. I… I can’t read you.” Ashlyn admits softly.

“Does it look like pity? Is it what you expected to see?” Ali tries to get a sense of what Ashlyn might be interpreting from her demeanor and expression.

“Uh no, it’s not what I expected I guess. But, I don’t know.” Ashlyn stutters, not sure how to explain what she sees because has no idea herself. “It’s not what I usually see, but I can’t read it.”

“Do you want me to tell you?” Ali asks her.

“Please.” Ashlyn almost begs.

“I’m glad it doesn’t look like pity because there’s no pity.” Ali puts that part out there first and foremost. “I admire you.”

“You admire me?” Ashlyn repeats, dumfounded by the statement. _That’s new._

“Yes, I admire you. Do I feel bad for you? Truthfully, in part, also yes. Bad in the way I feel for anyone that has felt pain and hurt like this, physical or mental. I have a deep sense of humanity, of sensitivity for the suffering and struggle of a difficult past. But for me, that’s not pity. It’s compassion. You have a past that includes pain and hurt, and I feel for you deeply about that. But above all else, I feel admiration for you. No matter what happened, no matter how much pain or hurt or struggle… you are still here, Ashlyn. You are here, you are breathing, and you are alive. That to me is miraculous, that to me is worth celebrating, and that to me merits pure admiration. You are here and that’s all that matters, and that’s all I need to know.” Ali doesn’t hesitate one bit in spilling the contents of her mind, just like she promised.

_Admiration. That look, she means it. Breathe. _Ashlyn takes a couple of deep breaths and looks up at the ceiling. She can’t find the words to respond, but she can feel herself getting really emotional and she doesn’t want to cry right now, not in a moment that feels so purely good at its base. She wills her heart to stop racing, wills herself to settle down.

“You ok? Do you need a minute?” Ali checks at seeing Ashlyn’s eyes looking glassy and avoiding her gaze.

“I’m ok.” Ashlyn sighs deeply. “I’m good. Thank you.” She hopes her tone is enough to convey her gratitude for what the brunette just said.

“Should we go to the next part?” Ali inquires carefully, feeling like Ashlyn is ready to move on.

“Yes, please.” Ashlyn keeps her reply simple.

“Ok, so this is the part where we gain some comfort with each other when it comes to these vulnerabilities that we just talked about. Where we do our best to process it physically and set it aside as much as we can.” Ali gets things oriented again.

“Alright. I’m good to do whatever that means.” Ashlyn follows along.

“Just remember to talk to me.” Ali reminds her and gets a nod before going ahead. She moves forward slowly, positioning herself just a few inches in front of the taller woman.

_Shit, what is she doing? _Ashlyn’s head is spinning with the brunette that close. She’s so close that she can smell Ali’s lavender scented shampoo.

“Can I have your hands?” Ali requests and Ashlyn reaches her hands out without saying anything. Ali takes them in her own and can actually feel the woman trembling a bit. “It’s ok. We’re not doing anything extreme here, promise. Just ty your best to relax.” She smiles at her to bring some calm.

“I’m trying.” Ashlyn laughs at herself a bit. “I’m never this flustered around women, or really anyone for that matter. Like I don’t even recognize myself right now. I think it’s just because we’re doing this when I don’t really know you at all and because I have no idea what to expect.”

“Completely understandable. I’m a stranger and this is really hard to do. You’re doing great though.” Ali reassures her. “So, what I want you to do is touch my vulnerable spots. Shouldn’t be too hard since you said they’re your favorite.” She winks to lighten the atmosphere. “Just do what feels natural to you and my personal goal will be to relax into it. Help me get comfortable with you.” She brings Ashlyn’s hands to her hips and leaves them there.

_So soft. Geez Ash, chill out. _Ashlyn swallows hard as she feels the warm and supple skin under her hands. She leaves them still for a little bit, not exactly sure what to do until she feels the brunette lean into her just the slightest bit closer. Something about that tiny movement sparks her, makes her slide her hands lower down the woman’s thighs before bringing them slowly back up. “You’re seriously strong and beautiful. This is even more my favorite now that I can actually feel it with my hands.” She whispers.

“That feels nice.” Ali tells her, again getting the slightest bit closer.

Ashlyn’s thumbs find the brunette’s hipbones, absentmindedly rubbing little circles there when she gets a bit caught up in the smile being directed at her.

“You have really big hands. Can’t believe you can practically hold my hips and some of my butt and still have your thumbs where they are. I like it, actually makes me feel tiny. I need to keep you around.” Ali can’t help but joke a bit.

Ashlyn lets out a hearty laugh. “Yeah well these hands suck for typing, but they are good for some things I guess. Glad to be of service.” She looks down to take in the way her hands encompass the brunette’s frame, her eyes landing on the tattoo under her thumb… a dark red shield with three open books inside it containing the letters that spell ‘Veritas’. “That’s Harvard, right?” She asks in recognition.

“Yep, forever a Harvard girl.” Ali smiles.

“Not bad. It’s the Stanford of the east after all.” Ashlyn replies smugly.

“Oh really now? You went to Stanford?” Ali asks in amusement with raised eyebrows.

“Mmhmm.” Ashlyn replies with a proud little hum.

“Impressive. I don’t doubt your intelligence, but you have it wrong, Stanford girl. Stanford is the Harvard of the west. Don’t forget that we were around over 200 years before Stanford was even a thought.” Ali smirks.

“Agree to disagree on all things Harvard versus Stanford, except that Cardinal Red is the best color on the planet.” Ashlyn replies with playfully narrowed eyes.

“It’s called Crimson, but sure, I can agree to those terms.” Ali laughs lightly before reaching down to squeeze Ashlyn’s hand gently and getting them back on track. “You did great just now.”

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks curiously, not sure what exactly she did.

“Yep.” Ali confirms. “Your touch was respectful, but warm and relaxed. It wasn’t rushed or presumptuous, just slow and calming. You used your words to back it up with feeling. But what really put me at ease was that you found a way to see past the physical by making a small personal connection with me on the tattoo. Made me feel like you could appreciate more than what was in front of you and that made me comfortable. Thank you.”

“You’re giving me way too much credit, but you’re welcome.” Ashlyn smiles, feeling a lot more comfortable herself now. At least for a few seconds until she realizes she has no idea if she should move her hands from Ali’s hips or not.

“You can leave them there.” Ali smiles, reading the sudden almost-panicked look on the woman’s face.

“Mind reader.” Ashlyn laughs again.

“I’ve just done this a lot.” Ali replies lightly.

“Thank god one of us knows what they’re doing right now.” Ashlyn jokes.

“You’re doing great.” Ali reinforces genuinely again before moving on. “Let’s keep going. Is it ok if I touch you now?”

“Well after all this, I’d be really bummed if you didn’t.” Ashlyn grins, finding some confidence in her nervousness.

_She’s really cute. _Ali can’t help but smile at the endearing short-haired woman still holding her hips and still looking flustered despite the light banter. She chooses not to say anything, but gets close enough that their chests touch a bit as she reaches her hands around to Ashlyn’s back. She feels Ashlyn breath hitch and leaves hands on her lower back for just a few seconds before fanning out her fingers and working her way up the middle of the woman’s back very softly.

_Oh fuck…my heart is gonna stop. Oh god. _Ashlyn sucks in a breath and doesn’t even realize she’s holding it in as the brunette’s perfect chest just grazes her own and warm hands slowly run up her back. Her skin breaks out in goosebumps.

“Keep breathing, Ashlyn. Are you doing ok?” Ali checks in with her.

“Yeah, I’m great.” Ashlyn finally lets out the breath she was holding and focuses on whiskey eyes that show no hint of being weirded out or hesitant, they just look kind and calm.

Ali smiles when she sees Ashlyn hold her gaze. _Her muscles are insane. _She enjoys the firmness under her hands even as she traverses her way along the both deeply gouged and raised skin. She can feel every ridged line against the pads of her fingers but none of it deters her. If anything, it makes her want to explore it further. Ashlyn is quiet, her eyes not giving away much, so Ali just lets herself do what feels right in the moment, watching the woman’s eyes eventually close.

_Don’t ever stop. _Ashlyn’s body relaxes, her eyes closing as Ali’s soft hands gently massage the muscles of her shoulders, the back of her neck, down to her lower back. Any worry about the mutilated skin Ali might be feeling has vanished for the moment. “That feels so damn good, Alex. So good.” Ashlyn whispers, hoping it just eggs the brunette on enough to continue. Plenty of people have touched her back, but usually no one lingers all that long or bothers to stay focused there for any length of time. They assume she won’t like it and they move on.

“I’m glad it feels good.” Ali smiles and keeps up her movements. “Are you comfortable?”

“Very.” Ashlyn keeps her eyes closed._ Feels so fucking good. _That sense of freedom she felt earlier is back, much more strongly this time. She just wants to know. _Just ask her. _“Why did you go with massage?” She asks in a low mumble.

“I like giving massages.” Ali says simply before elaborating. “I really like the way your muscles feel and I wanted to massage them, so I did. That felt natural to me and this feels nice. I like how you’re feeling less tense under my hands as I keep going.”

“You didn’t worry that I wouldn’t like it?” Ashlyn gets out in a raspy whisper.

“No. I figured that if you didn’t like it, that you’d tell me to stop.” Ali says easily.

_She’s incredible._ _Practical. Real._ “I do like it. I love it.” Ashlyn admits, feeling the emotions stir up inside. “Thank you for not assuming. Everyone always assumes. It means everything right now.” She gets out a bit squeakily.

Ashlyn almost can’t process how she feels, things pulling in different directions as she melts into the soothing touch. She feels cared for and unburdened, comfortable and safe, but also really vulnerable and out of control too. The feeling is beyond intense and her body begs her to do something about it, her mind too hazy to resist the urge. She moves her hands just slightly up and down the brunette’s hips, her thumbs finding their way back to her hipbones as she lets her body press a bit further into Ali. _She’s perfect._ Her eyes open to see the same warm, compassionate whiskey and the words tumble out. “Can I kiss you?”

_Woah. _Ali’s mind races to think it through, knowing too much of a delay in answering will have its own set of consequences here. It’s not the first time this has happened in a first session, but usually her answer is an easy ‘not yet’. Still, very occasionally the answer is yes, in the instances that it seems to be the key to understanding or revealing an important layer.

Ali focuses hard on rapidly assessing if this is one of those instances. _She’s different right now. It doesn’t fit with the earlier hesitation. What is she feeling?_ Ali can’t quite read the expression on Ashlyn’s face, the penetrating stare…one that seems hopeful, but also almost cocky. She quickly decides that she needs to understand the sudden change in demeanor, to get to the bottom of what just transformed. _Careful_.

“Yes, you can kiss me.” Ali replies softly, watching Ashlyn’s face slowly move in closer before closing her eyes.

Ashlyn feels her confidence surge again after it suddenly dropped in the few second delay before the brunette said yes. She leans right in before she can convince herself not to and gently captures Ali’s lips in hers. All bets are off the moment she does, the that moment warm lips grip her own. Everything tingles and burns hot, everything disappears but one vital realization._ It feels like nobody but her. It’s Alex and no one else…her touch, her lips, just her. _She deepens the kiss, her hands gripping the brunette’s hips tighter before moving to rest on her lower back just above her ass.

_God that’s good. _Ali melts right into the kiss. Ashlyn’s lips are impossibly soft, something about her mouth and the harmonious movement that’s instantly addicting. The kiss is careful, but not hesitant at all. It makes her knees feel a little weak at such simplicity with so much intensity behind it. _Stay present, don’t get caught up. _Her brain reminds her to stay sensible even as her body succumbs to the electric pulse running through every nerve ending right now. She lets the kiss speed up, lets herself get pulled in a bit closer as Ashlyn’s large hands settle perfectly on her lower back.

_This…I need this. I need her. _Ashlyn’s skin feels hot, blood pumping hard through her veins, a deep sense of relief and liberation washing over her. It feels familiar and reminiscent, but also brand new and explosive. Her mind and body completely surrender to delicious passion building inside. _I need this. _She has no concept of how long it has been, but her lungs are aching for air now.

Ali welcomes the brief intake of air when Ashlyn slowly pulls away, but she doesn’t even get a full breath in before soft lips are working along her neck and causing her to gasp. _Yes, fuck_. Her mind gets foggy, everything rational being muted until hot breath is on her ear and a husky demanding voice fills her mind. “I want you, Alex.” The warning bells and red lights go off in every corner of her brain. _Woah, woah, stop. _She hadn’t even registered that Ashlyn had taken hold of her hand and put it on her abs, already pushing to slide it down. It’s bold and assertive, nothing like the nervous and cautious person that was in front of her just a few minutes ago. _What is happening with her? Reign it in, pull it back._

“We’re not going there yet. Not today, and not for a while. Slow down.” Ali says gently even as Ashlyn still nips around her ear and pushes the brunette’s hand lower.

_No, please. Please. _Ashlyn feels a desperate frenzy inside to hold onto the moment as she senses Ali’s body stiffen slightly. “Please, I need you.” She full on begs, voice cracking slightly as she works to slide the brunette’s hand where she needs it.

_Too far, too far. Come on, get her back to center. Be delicate. _“Hey Ashlyn, slow down, ok?” Ali meets Ashlyn’s pressure on her hand with resistance so that it doesn’t slide any lower against stubbly edge of hair she already feels at the top of her fingertips. “We need to hold up and stop. This can’t go any further right now.” She admonishes gently and sees Ashlyn jump away like she’s been burned.

_Fuck! What is wrong with me?! _“Oh god, I’m so, so sorry! I…I don’t even know what got into me. I’m really, really sorry. That’s not…I didn’t mean to.” Ashlyn mumbles and can’t even look up from the floor, arms loosely crossed over chest as she suddenly feels incredibly naked and exposed._ How fucking embarrassing. Idiot._

“Hey, Ashlyn…easy.” Ali closes the space between them a bit and puts her hands on the woman’s shoulders, rubbing them gently and then ducking her head a bit so Ashlyn can’t avoid her eyes. “It’s ok, everything is fine. I promise. Just take a second.”

_Why is she being so nice?_ Ashlyn nods her head. “I’m really sorry, Alex.” She repeats again, not sure what else to say or how to redeem herself.

“Don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Ali assures her. “Really. It’s my job to guide us here and I’m the one who let that get too far physically without stopping to process. I rarely let any kissing happen in an opening session like this. In this case, I was feeling something from you that I couldn’t quite interpret and was trying to let it bloom and reveal itself in the physical sense. So, I went with it and got caught up along with you trying to understand what was happening there. This is part of this process, it’s completely ok. I just needed to pull us back a bit faster than that is all. It wasn’t on you. You were doing exactly what you needed to by openly going with what you were feeling.”

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn tries hard to feel comforted, but there’s a nagging, irking feeling she can’t shake right now despite Ali’s reassurance. “That was just so unlike me. It’s embarrassing.” She admits out loud.

“And we’re gonna talk about that part in a minute, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Especially around me. Remember how we started things today… nothing is inappropriate, we just roll with what’s real. Real is good.” Ali reminds her warmly. “Everything is ok, Ash. Really. Just trust me.”

_Ash. _That nickname has never sounded so soothing as it does coming out of Ali’s mouth. It’s the tone, completely benevolent and warm with absolutely no agenda. _How does she do that? _She nods and feels her body relax, thankful for the way Ali’s hands sit so gently at the base of her neck and ground her right now. “Thank you. I already do.” She says softly. “Trust you, I mean. That’s uh…that’s not really like me either. But I’m glad about that part.”

_There she is. _Ali smiles, feeling like Ashlyn is actually calming down now. “But you’re not glad about being such a smooth operator just a few minutes ago? Cause that hand move was pretty sly.” She sasses to bring the light mood back between them.

“Ugh. Yeah, not so proud of that.” Ashlyn shakes her head at herself with a tiny smile. “Not usually my style. For the record, I’m also not one to beg…but, I’m gonna blame that on your amazing power thighs.”

“And the smooth just keeps on coming! Keep talking dirty to me like that and I’ll do nothing to stop that Don Juan hand move.” Ali plays back, the two of them bursting out into a belly laugh.

_Her laugh is everything. She’s so good at this. _Ashlyn can’t help but feel at ease again, now easily moving on from what just happened between them when normally she’d never be able to let go of feeling ashamed of herself.

“You ok now?” Ali checks before she really gets them back on track.

“Yeah, I actually am.” Ashlyn smiles.

“That’s what I’m here for.” Ali drops her hands from Ashlyn’s shoulders. “Think we can talk through it now?”

“Yeah. I’ll try. To be honest, I kinda don’t know what the hell was going on with me either.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“That’s ok, we’ll talk and see if we can figure it out. Let’s put our clothes on and work on verbally processing whatever we can.” Ali suggest and gets a nod in reply.

The two of them work to swiftly pull their clothes back on, Ashlyn finishing first and standing there shifting her weight a bit as she watches Ali pull her sweater on over her head and toss her hair over her shoulder.

“Well don’t get all shy on me now that our clothes are back on.” Ali teases at the way Ashlyn just stands there looking lost at what to do. “Come sit with me.” She takes the woman’s hand in hers and pulls her towards the large couch. They two of them settle next to each other with a comfortable space between them.

_Please don’t let go. _Ashlyn finds herself hoping that the brunette doesn’t drop her hand, feeling like she needs it to get through whatever is coming. For someone who can feel so vulnerable and closed off sometimes, this kind of innocent touch is important to her, it feels natural. It’s that way she is with friends and romantic partners alike, pretty touchy in general even when it’s platonic. It makes her feel more connected to people, more receptive to them for some reason. She knows she can just be honest with the brunette about this, but after the way she pushed so hard to be physical just a little while ago, she doesn’t want to have to ask her. Instead, she finds herself just hoping Ali can sense it.

“How about we start by me sort of going back to the last point where I felt like I was with you on what was going on, and then tell you where I sort of got lost.” Ali suggests. Ashlyn’s secure but comfortable grip on her hand hasn’t relaxed at all as they sit there, so she opts to keep holding it. If this is what the stunning, short-haired woman needs to feel comfortable, then that’s what she’ll do.

_She knows. Of course she does. _Ashlyn feels fully calm and open now, Ali’s continued grasp on her hand melting away whatever hesitance she has left. _This woman is really something. _“That sounds good.” She easily agrees.

“Let me tell you what it felt like from my perspective.” Ali prefaces before getting into it. “I could tell you were nervous right from the start today and my goal was really to put you at ease as much as possible. And I could sort of sense that the nervousness would sort of come in waves for you as we went along. There were times when I could feel you being a little more relaxed with me.”

“That’s true.” Ashlyn nods.

“You felt most tense and apprehensive to me after I saw your back, which was expected since we were focusing on your greatest physical vulnerability. And I could feel you sort of letting go and really unwinding when I started massaging you. It was helpful that you were vocal about it feeling good and I could physically feel you loosening up.” Ali pauses for a second. “And then there was this sort of confidence surge that I didn’t expect. When you asked to kiss me, you were almost cocky about it. That’s where I got a little lost because it didn’t seem to fit with what was happening before that. So, try your best to tell me what you were feeling as that massage went on.”

“Ok. Well it physically felt really good because it’s not something anyone really does for me, at least not most people I’ve been with. So, it partly felt really freeing for me, but then also made me feel really vulnerable too.” Ashlyn tries to explain. “It’s like I never wanted it to stop, but then also felt so exposed and out of control.”

“Ok, that’s understandable.” Ali hones in on the ‘out of control’ part, but holds back on mentioning it for the time being. “And what did the kiss do for you in terms of those feelings?”

Ashlyn takes a few quiet seconds to really think about it. “This is hard for me to explain to you without you knowing about my ex-girlfriend and how that factors into things for me.”

“Hmmm, ok. We’ll eventually get into those details in getting to know each other, but I know that’s not very helpful right now.” Ali thinks it over. “Can you try to give me some sort of a basic rundown in trying to get across to me what you were feeling that relates to her?”

“Uh, yeah. I can try.” Ashlyn pauses again to collect her thoughts. “That relationship ended traumatically for me. And ever since then, it’s like my body has a muscle memory for my ex. I’ve worked through every mental aspect of being present and seeing the person in front of me in intimate moments, but somehow that doesn’t get through to my body. The touches always feel like or get compared to her in some way without me even registering until it’s too late. It’s like my body feels her even when my mind is locked onto the person I’m with. Does that make any sense?”

“Complete sense. I’m really sorry, that must be so incredibly hard and frustrating to deal with.” Ali empathizes.

“It is. It kind of cripples me in a lot of ways.” Ashlyn confesses. “My scars have always opened up some level of vulnerability in my relationships, but before her I guess I had a way of controlling it enough to make me feel secure about it. Or at least secure in what I was choosing to share or not share with someone. After her, it has been the opposite. I always just feel vulnerable without feeling in control of it in any way.”

“Alright. That all fits with you being hesitant with me.” Ali muses over what Ashlyn just revealed. “But then you were really bold all of a sudden. What were you feeling then?”

“Well, honestly…just you. And it felt like a damn miracle.” Ashlyn puts it out there bluntly.

“Not sure I’m following. What do you mean by ‘just you’?” Ali inquires.

“The muscle memory thing just didn’t seem to be happening in that moment. Kind of like how I found myself not immediately comparing you to her when we got naked. Probably because you look nothing like her in physical features and I just realized today that everyone I’ve dated since her kind of has…but I can’t be sure that’s what it was. Anyway, what happened today is not how things have gone for me since her.” Ashlyn tries to describe it. “Usually something always pulls me back to her in some way, whether it’s how I perceive someone or how my body is responding. That didn’t happen with you for some reason. And it made me feel really vulnerable, but also really empowered and desperate to push it as far as it could go, you know?”

“Now that completely makes sense. I understand much better.” Ali feels the lightbulb go off in her head. “Can I ask you a couple of questions?”

“Yeah, of course.” Ashlyn nods, glad she managed to get her thoughts out enough to make some sort of sense.

“Before your ex, you said you felt like you had some control over your vulnerability and what you shared. How so?” Ali questions.

“Hmm, I guess I just had more confidence. I felt like I could choose not talk about whatever I didn’t want to talk about. I could reveal my back, say it was in the past and then sort of avoid any more questions because it wasn’t relevant to the current situation.” Ashlyn replies.

“Give me more on that. What do you mean by ‘current situation’?” Ali presses a bit.

“Oh, like sexual situations. Back then, it was like I could choose how much I wanted to get emotionally versus sexually involved with someone and those two things didn’t have to blend. I could have sex just to have sex and walk away if I wanted. My back would still be out in the open, but I didn’t have to get into it.” Ashlyn answers.

“And now you can’t do that with the vaginismus, right?” Ali gets right down to it.

“Exactly. The sex part doesn’t work properly now. So if I’m going to be with someone, I have to be open about my limitations and explain things. I have to be invested both emotionally and physically, so there’s no way I can choose not to be vulnerable. Sex can’t be just sex anymore.” Ashlyn lets it spill out even as her mind starts making connections. She can almost see where Ali is leading her, almost.

“So, before your ex you could control your vulnerability with physicality. And now your physicality opens up your vulnerability.” Ali restates it for her in simple terms. “Can I explain what I think might have been happening between us today?”

“Please do.” Ashlyn sits up a little more, squeezing Ali’s hand a bit like it’s a lifeline and hanging on her every word.

“The physicality of our session really opened your up vulnerabilities, and that was the point of it. So you were in that very exposed and susceptible mindset, which I can imagine was very difficult for you. Then, you expected my touch to bring about the usual connections to your ex and it didn’t. And that freed you up to go back to your original way of handling vulnerability. I have no doubt that it felt like a release for you to suddenly be able to do that again. So, you went back to that place where you tried to get in control by being very overtly physical and confident. And when I took that off the table for you by stopping us, it ripped that aspect away again. And that brought you back to feeling vulnerable and out of control again, which is how you typically feel in intimate situations ever since your ex. I’m sorry, Ashlyn. I know the back and forth of that must have been awful to deal with today. Thank you for going through with it.” Ali says thoughtfully, warmly.

_Yes! Holy shit. Wow. _Ashlyn sits there in stunned silence even though her brain feels like it’s going to explode in the epiphany.

“Are you ok?” Ali rubs small circles on the woman’s hand to soothe her as best she can while she waits to see how her interpretation is received.

“I’m in shock.” Ashlyn confesses quietly. “You got it. Completely nailed it. It was exactly that. I never would have worked that out on my own. It makes so much sense and I’m mind blown.”

“Well I’m not going to toot my own horn just yet.” Ali smiles. “But I’m glad we got to bottom of what happened today. This is exactly what I’m talking about when I say we are going to spend time really processing everything on a physical and personal level. Sometimes it’s just about asking questions to shed some light.”

_Amazing, she’s amazing. _“Thanks, Alex. This was a lot, but also so good for me, you know? You’re really insightful and patient, and I just appreciate this so much.” Ashlyn squeezes the brunette’s hand gratefully.

“This is exactly what I’m here for, this is what I do and what I’m passionate about. I just appreciate you being so open today, it really goes miles in getting where we need to go. So, we’ll keep at it.” Ali replies humbly.

“This was not at all what I was expecting this to be like, but so far it’s like a million times better than whatever I could have envisioned.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Glad to hear that. I guess I’m not fired yet.” Ali jokes and gets a chuckle out of Ashlyn. “Can I say one more thing?”

“Anything.” Ashlyn replies.

“For the record, I don’t believe that you’re the more closed-off and controlling person you described being before your ex. And I don’t believe that you’re the hesitant and vulnerable person you seem to see yourself as now. I think the reality is somewhere in the middle-ground of those two opposites and I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to help you find that balance. Above all else, I want us to find the genuine you and then help you learn to be comfortable and secure in being that version of yourself.” Ali says with calm determination.

“You are really something.” Ashlyn says in awe. “And to think I almost talked myself out of trying this.” She shakes her head with a smile.

“I guess that means we should set up our next session?” Ali smiles.

“Definitely.” Ashlyn agrees and reluctantly lets go of Ali’s hand to grab her phone and pull up the calendar app. “I’m pretty flexible, what do you have in mind?”

“I don’t like to wait too long so we don’t lose too much ground. Today is Friday, so how about Tuesday?” Ali suggests. “We could get on a mainly Tuesday and Friday schedule if that works? And then just adjust if needed.”

“Yeah, that works. So, 4pm on Tuesday and Fridays?” Ashlyn clarifies.

“Perfect.” Ali smiles and puts it in her schedule. “You want to keep things here at your place for now?”

“Yes, if that’s ok?” Ashlyn replies.

“Totally great.” Ali affirms. “Alright, so we’re all set. And I should prepare you for the fact that next session will be very different. The clothes stay on and we start getting to know each other more personally. So it might be intense depending on what we talk about, but it won’t be the same kind of intense that today was.”

“Got it. Honestly, after all that happened today, I trust in whatever your process is.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Now that’s what I like to hear.” Ali says cheerily. “You can call or text me if you have any questions or anything comes up before Tuesday. Now, do I need some special code or maybe a fingerprint scan to get out of here?” Ali jokes as she gets up and grabs her bag, motioning to the elevator.

“Ha, I’m not that fancy!” Ashlyn laughs. “Just push the button and get in, like a normal lowly elevator.”

“Just checking. How boring.” Ali deadpans.

“Well, I’ll make sure to have a parachute ready next time so you can jump off the balcony and make it more exciting.” Ashlyn plays back as Ali gets in the elevator.

“I knew I liked you.” Ali smiles.

“Thanks again for being so patient today.” Ashlyn says sweetly, scratching the back of her head again when she gets caught up in those whiskey eyes and radiant smile. _How is she possibly this beautiful?_

_So cute. _“Of course. Thanks again for being so open to me. I really think this is going to work well.” Ali shoots the woman one more smile as the elevator door starts to close. “Have a great weekend, Ash.”

“You too, Alex. Bye.” Ashlyn gives a little wave just as the door fully closes. _Wow. Holy fucking shit. That was… I don’t even know. It was good. It was so good. _She drops herself back down onto the couch to just try and collect herself.

\---------------------------------------------------

“Wow, Bill Clinton makes such great drag queen! He’s killing it out there!” Kyle says animatedly in Ali’s ear, motioning to the stage where there is a fashion drag show being performed while dinner salads are being served. His sister has been zoned out since the moment she got here and he’s trying to figure out just how distracted she is by saying something outrageous.

“He really is amazing!” Ali replies back enthusiastically.

“And doing it naked, can’t say I expected that…but hey, the former prez has a nice package for an old dude.” Kyle rolls his eyes as he keeps it up the ruse.

“He really does.” Ali nods in agreement, her gaze almost looking past the stage.

“Oookay, time for some air!” Kyle gently pulls Ali’s hand until she stands up and follows him with a confused look on her face. He takes them outside to a little terrace area, leans on a railing and just looks at her.

“What’s the matter? Are you ok?” Ali asks in concern, hugging herself a bit to stay warm in the cool fall night.

“Me?! I’m perfectly fine. You’re the one who has talking to do.” Kyle crosses his arms slightly. “I just told you that former president Bill Clinton was performing naked drag onstage in there and all you did was agree with me on how big his dick was!” He shoots her a look. “What’s going on with you tonight? You’re more zoned out than a space cadet.”

“Ugh, sorry Ky. I had the new client before this, so I’m just sort of going over it in my head.” Ali explains herself apologetically.

“You’ve had a lot of new clients. Can’t remember a time you’ve brought your work home with you quite like this.” Kyle eyes her.

“I know, I know. This one just threw me off.” Ali shrugs.

“She baffled you huh? I like her already!” Kyle laughs and gets a playful glare from his sister. “Kidding. Why’d she throw you off?”

“For starters, she’s drop dead gorgeous. I’ve never found a client attractive like this, ever. That’s new.” Ali sighs.

“Ooooh, a hottie for once! Do tell!” Kyle squeals a bit with intrigue. He’s always pondered how his sister does what she does when her clients are usually not all that physically appealing, but in this moment it dawns on him that maybe that makes it easier for her many ways.

“Just this perfect blend of feminine and masculine, ridiculously fit with muscles all over, lots of amazing tattoos, and also soft spoken and sweet despite looking so tough. Just eye catching in every way, but also seems genuinely nice.” Ali does her best to describe Ashlyn.

“Hmm, she does sound sexy.” Kyle smiles. “Is she into women or is she just one of those clients that prefers a female surrogate?”

“Very sexy.” Ali nods with her own smile. “And definitely into women.”

“I fail to see how this is a bad thing.” He says curiously.

“It’s not necessarily. It’s just a new thing for me and I need to be super careful not to get caught up, you know? Like today I was trying to push a bit to figure out what was going on with her at one point, and we both definitely got a bit too caught up. I recovered fast before it went too far, but still.” Ali divulges.

“Ah, got it.” Kyle says in simple understanding. “So what has you thinking so hard? Can’t just be that’s she’s hot.”

“You know how most of these vaginismus cases have some kind of trauma behind them?” Ali starts.

“Yeah.” Kyle nods.

“This one is extreme I think. Her back is covered in horrible scars. Looks like she was full on tortured or something. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Ali says solemnly.

“Oh, damn. I’m sorry.” Kyle says with a frown. “Is she ex-military? Like maybe a POW?”

“I don’t really know since it was the first session. But I don’t get that vibe and she said it was a long time ago. Plus, that doesn’t even seem to be the root cause of the issue. Apparently it has to do with a bad relationship. This one is just…I don’t know…deep, I guess. Not even sure that’s the right word.” Ali shrugs. “And I don’t know if it’s the attraction thing, but I just want so badly to help her. I mean I want that with all my clients, but this just feels…different.”

Kyle wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her into his side as he considers what she said. “You have a gift babe. If anyone can help her out, you can. I believe in you with all my heart.” He says in sweet truth.

“Thanks.” Ali smiles at him. “Sorry I got so distracted. I’m locked in for the rest of the night, promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” He nudges her playfully. “Let’s go back in before we miss the main course. You can go home and relieve all that tension by masturbating to Ruby Rose later.” He teases her about her massive celebrity crush just like he always does.

Ali lets out a giggle before cocking her head to side. “Actually, the client today…not too far off from Ruby Rose. Maybe a touch less fem and more built and rugged, but very close.”

“Oooh! Molly, you in danger girl!” Kyle does his best Whoopi Goldberg impression. “So when you say hot…”

“Really hot.” Ali shakes her head with a little giggle.

“Eh well, forget what I said. Daydream away my crushing little schoolgirl.” He can’t help but tease her more.

“I am not crushing!” Ali challenges back and lightly slaps his shoulder.

“Sure, sure. Whatever keeps your panties dry, Als.” Kyle quickly ducks another shoulder slap and makes his way back to the dinner with Ali in tow.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Ashlyn jumps a bit at the sound of the elevator alert buzzer, getting pulled from her thoughts as she sits on the couch absentmindedly playing on her phone like she has been ever since Ali left a couple of hours ago. She gets up and goes over to press the button that allows the elevator to come up as she looks at her watch. She knows it has to be Whitney, Megan, or Crystal since they are the only people with the permanent code that gives them access to her private elevator without going through the security desk. Seeing that it’s 8:05pm, she guesses it’s Crystal coming over for a recap and to raid her fridge. Less than a minute later, the doors open to reveal that it’s all three of her friends.

“I brought dessert!” Whitney holds up a pan of brownies.

“I brought beer!” Megan holds up two 6-packs of Ashlyn’s favorite IPA.

“I brought…an empty stomach!” Crystal shrugs cheesy smile.

“Subtle you guys, very subtle.” Ashlyn shakes her head at them. “Come in.” She waves them over to the couch. “Like I could stop you anyway.”

“Come on, we’ve been dying to know! How was it?!” Megan is barely settled on the couch before she asks what they all clearly came for.

“It was good. Mind blowing really. I haven’t even fully processed yet.” Ashlyn tries to find words to even convey her time with Ali. “The woman is smart, kind, ridiculously insightful, reads me like a book already. And she’s beautiful. Like the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, for real.”

“Really on that last part?” Whitney pipes up, knowing damn well Ashlyn compares everyone and everything to Sloane.

“Really, Watson.” Ashlyn gives her a knowing look.

“Wow.” Whitney whispers. “That’s huge.”

“I know.” Ashlyn nods, still in disbelief herself.

“Giiiirl, you a goner!” Crystal nudges her. “I saw her in the lobby. I agree the woman is fine as hell”

“Ooook, so I’m gonna need to know more. Cause you look all thoughtful and dreamy and shit. Not what I was expecting.” Megan leans forward a bit.

Ashlyn does her best to explain the session, trying to give enough detail that they can understand, but also not get into it so deeply that they get lost in the labyrinth of her still swirling thoughts. She spends most of her time going over Ali’s ‘get naked’ approach and how the brunette helped her work through what was going on towards the end. After about twenty minutes, she sits back on the couch and waits for their reaction.

Crystal is the first to react, letting out a low whistle. “Sheesh, sounds like she knows what she’s doing that’s for sure. That is intense as fuck for the first time meeting someone and also makes so much sense. I dunno, but I think it’s pretty awesome.”

“All I’m gonna say is that I know that look on your face right now, Sherlock. I know how much it means to you when you understand yourself better, when someone makes the effort to understand you and actually gets it. I like this. I think this is good for you. She sounds like she can really help, like she’s a great match for you intellectually and in personality.” Whitney says warmly.

“Thanks.” Ashlyn smiles at her.

“Well I second everything they said.” Megan finally speaks up. “But damn butch, you sound like you’re majorly crushing.”

“I tried to have sex with her, Pinoe. I’m a bit beyond crushing, don’t cha think?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Ooooh, Ashlyn and Alexandra sitting in a tree!” Megan singsongs teasingly.

“Thanks asshole.” Ashlyn shoots her a glare.

“Kidding!” Megan pops open another beer for Ashlyn and hands it to her before holding up her own. “Cheers to really good things on the horizon. I mean that. We’re all here for you and glad for you’ve started down the path.”

“Thank you guys, really. I couldn’t do this without you.” Ashlyn smiles and clinks her bottle with the other three women.

“Sure you could.” Whitney smiles.

“Ok, but tell us more about these perfect tits.” Megan waggles her eyebrows.

“For fuck’s sake, Pinoe!” Ashlyn groans at her uncanny ability to ruin a moment with vulgarity.

“Nah, she right. I’ll make the popcorn!” Crystal heads into the kitchen even as Whitney just shrugs and gets up to help.


	6. I Invented It (Session 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for Session 2! As I mentioned before, there is going to be a big step back now physically as they get to know each other. So, welcome to the slow burn part of the fun. Enjoy this light chapter as you learn about these characters, because it's gonna get deep and dark next week.  
Have a great weekend and don't forget to let me know what you think :-)

Session 2 – I Invented it

Ashlyn looks at the draft of the text message that she’s had sitting on her phone since Saturday afternoon. She’s debated for two days about sending it, but now it’s Monday and if she’s going to do, it just needs to happen. She lets out one long sigh and finally finds the guts to send it.

“I’ll have a double-shot non-fat vanilla latte.” Ali orders her coffee as she reaches into her purse to grab her vibrating phone.

_Ashlyn: So, I have a bit of an odd request for tomorrow. Can I cook dinner for us?_

“Hmph.” Ali considers the text as she waits for her coffee. Although there have definitely been clients that have asked her out as the sessions start to wrap-up, which she obviously had to decline, none have offered to cook dinner at a session. She thinks for a few minutes about how to respond, finally typing a message as she settles at a small table in the corner of the café.

_Alex Krieger: I’ll admit this is a first for me. No one has ever asked to cook dinner for a session. Do you mind if I ask why?_

_Ashlyn: Completely innocuous, I swear. You said we’d be trying to open up in getting to know each other. Something about food makes me feel more comfortable in that situation. I seem to talk more with people over food._

_Alex Krieger: Well in that case, you can absolutely cook dinner. Whatever makes you feel comfortable is key & we’ll go with that. Thanks for telling me. Innocuous, huh? Go easy on those vocab words, Stanford._

_Ashlyn: Great, thanks for understanding. And you can handle it, Harvard. Sorry if this is a weird request & that you’ll be having dinner at 4pm. What do you like to eat?_

_Alex Krieger: Stop apologizing! It’s totally ok, I’m glad you told me. Don’t worry, I’ll eat anything you make (just can't have shellfish). Really, keep it simple. If you think I’m open about sex, I’m even more open about food. Don’t stress over it._

_Ashlyn: Ok, thanks Alex. I appreciate it. See you tomorrow._

_Alex Krieger: See you tomorrow!_

Ashlyn lets out a deeply relieved sigh, glad once again that Ali makes everything feel so easy. She quickly surveys the food in her kitchen and makes a short list of ingredients she needs to buy. Normally, she’d have Chef Parker go out and grab what she needs, but a walk to the small grocery store a few blocks away is just the distraction she needs right now.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Wow, you seriously made this all by yourself?” Ali says after she’s taken a small bite of everything on her plate…a fresh-made biscuit sandwich with a crispy fried chicken cutlet drizzled in honey, homemade seasoned potato wedges, and a side salad.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn smiles and tries her best not to blush as she looks down at her plate. “It was my grandmother’s recipe. The biscuits were always a hit, perfect southern style.” She had decided not to go overboard with something fancy, just some good down-home comfort food.

Despite Ashlyn keeping herself busy in the kitchen right up until Ali’s arrival and mentally preparing herself not to get all discombobulated, she had failed. Ali had shown up right on time and dressed nicely much like last time, black leggings and a long cream colored blouse. Her hair was up in a simple bun this time and her make-up much lighter, but she looked just as stunning as before if not more so with the slightly more casual look. She had again found herself stuttering and nervous right from the get go.

To her credit, Ali hadn’t missed a beat. She had said hello with a radiant smile and immediately said the food smelled amazing before offering to help. Ashlyn had recovered quickly enough to return the sentiment with a huge smile and led her right to the already-set table, grabbing Ali a sparkling water before sitting across from her and settling into a few moments of comfortable silence as they started to eat.

“Well the food is truly delicious. I always assumed people who lived in penthouses like this had a personal chef to cook for them.” Ali confesses with a little laugh.

“Well, I kinda do. He mostly just preps meals for me for when I’m too busy to cook or don’t want to bother, which is fairly often. But, I also like to cook. So he keeps the kitchen stocked for me and unless I have a big work-related dinner party, which is rare, I cook everything myself.” Ashlyn explains.

“That make sense.” Ali smiles. “Glad I said yes to dinner and didn’t miss out on this.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you were open to an early dinner.” Ashlyn smiles back. “Like I said, talking over food makes me feel more comfortable for some reason.”

“Well, that sounds like a perfect cue.” Ali sees the opportunity to start and sees Ashlyn nod. “The goal for today in starting to build our personal connection is to get a sense for each other in terms of who we are right now. So, what do you do for a living, what are your interests and hobbies, who are the important people in your life, stuff like that. And if it happens to lead to things from the past, that’s completely okay, but just know that it doesn’t have to. You completely control how much you tell me and when. If I’m probing too much, just tell me and I’ll stop. Simple as that.”

“Alright, I can roll with that.” Ashlyn replies, feeling pretty good about the plan.

“Good.” Ali smiles. “Do you want me to start so you can get a sense for what I mean?”

“Sure, that would be great actually.” Ashlyn says appreciatively and leans forward a bit to listen closely.

\---

“Hmmm, let’s see.” Ali thinks over how she wants to start while she finishes chewing a potato wedge. “I’m 33 years old and was born and raised here in NYC. I live pretty close by in SoHo. And I used to think my 4-bedroom condo was pretty amazing until I saw this place.” Ali smiles and motions around the room.

“I love the SoHo area, especially the stretch with all those boutique shops.” Ashlyn says enthusiastically.

“Me too. I live a couple blocks from that section. Of course drawback is that I end up in those shops way too often…as in every other day.” Ali laughs with a little cringe on her face.

“I have no doubt I’d be the exact same.” Ashlyn agrees with a grin.

“Alright, so you know I went to Harvard. I graduated with a psychology degree even though I had gone there with the aspiration of getting into economics and business.” Ali explains.

“Really? Why the change?” Ashlyn inquires.

“Well, my life path pretty majorly shifted a couple times after some really unexpected things happened. Probably a better discussion for another time, but I promise I’ll get to it eventually.” Ali replies.

“Of course. Like you said, don’t talk about anything you don’t feel comfortable with.” Ashlyn gives her a little smile and takes another bite of her sandwich after seeing Ali do the same.

“Pretty related to the whole major life shift thing, I went directly into an MSW program at Columbia University here in New York and graduated from there in just two years. I focused heavily on marriage, relationship, and sex therapy. Found myself doing a lot of research in that area and wanting to develop treatment modalities that were a bit more useful and relevant for modern relationships.” Ali recounts.

“Woah, two Ivy League schools!” Ashlyn says completely impressed. “You have me beat, smarty pants.”

“Eh, I find the whole Ivy League thing totally irrelevant when it comes to graduate programs like MSWs. Despite the big name, there are better programs out there.” Ali says humbly with a shrug.

“Still impressive.” Ashlyn counters. “Can I ask why the interest in sex and relationship therapy? Sounds like you knew right off the bat that it’s what you wanted to do.”

“I did sort of. And you can certainly ask, but it’s also related to the life shift I mentioned before. So, is it ok if I hold off on answering?” Ali replies.

“Yeah, totally. Sorry, I tend to ask people a lot of questions because I just like hearing people’s stories and about who they are. It drives my friends nuts. You can ignore any and all questions that you’re not ready to answer.” Ashlyn says a bit shyly.

“Don’t be sorry at all. I think that’s a really cool thing, to be interested in people like that. You seem like a really attentive person. I just think it will all make more sense when we eventually get into the basic background of it.” Ali explains and gets a nod.

“So after doing a short typical social worker stint, I was lucky enough to join a private practice with someone who had been a family friend for years. I learned a lot from her and just did routine relationship and sex therapy for about three years. And it was going well, but just… with some clients I felt like the routine therapy just wasn’t effective enough and like there was something more that could be done.” Ali pauses to eat a bite of salad. “Sometimes routine therapy worked just fine. But then there were quite a few clients where there was this physical element that I couldn’t reach, you know?” She asks rhetorically and gets another head nod from Ashlyn.

“So, I did a ton of research. Tried to figure out how I might tap into that physical aspect. And well…I came across a small group of therapists here in NYC that were involved in what they called ‘sex surrogacy’. The idea seemed a little crazy at first, but the more I talked to them and learned about it, it was like a lightbulb. Then it really came down to understanding myself more deeply as a person and trying to figure out if it was something I could do and manage. A lot of soul searching to decide whether I was comfortable enough to try it. I ended up starting my own private surrogacy practice in addition to my normal therapy practice, taking on just a couple of clients at first and learning techniques with this small group of sex surrogate therapists to sort of master the craft and develop my own approach. Been doing it for just over five years now with some good success.” Ali finishes and eats her last bite of sandwich.

“Good success? Now you’re just being modest.” Ashlyn shoots her a playful look. “From what I’ve read, you’re one of the best out there. I can see how passionate you are about it. I read your book too, insanely eye opening. I actually felt more liberated than ever before after reading it.”

“Thank you, glad you liked the book.” Ali replies, feeling touched that the woman made the effort to read her book. “Now I feel silly that I told you pretty much everything you could find out about me on Google.” She laughs lightly.

“I admittedly Googled you and knew a lot of that.” Ashlyn confesses.

“Ah, a Google stalker!” Ali teases. “I’m kidding. Although very few of them read my book, just about every client Googles me. I’d be more concerned if you didn’t do your homework.”

“Isn’t everyone a Google stalker these days?” Ashlyn shrugs with a chuckle.

“Oh definitely. I fully disclose that I am certified Google stalker.” Ali divulges before quickly adding “just not with my clients.”

“You don’t Google clients? How come?” Ashlyn asks with intrigue.

“Same reason I don’t read your therapy file unless you ask me too. I like to learn about people and connect with them with a clean slate. Just part of the way I approach things.” Ali explains.

“I like that, makes sense.” Ashlyn nods her head, now wondering if Ali has any idea who she is.

“Maybe I should tell you things you wouldn’t find out about me on Google.” Ali muses out loud. “I love movies. Literally all kinds and all genres, old, new, all of it. I love going to the theater and just immersing myself in a film, it brings me a greater sense of balance than anything else I can think of. I like to hike and travel to places that not many people visit, places that haven’t been too altered by human foot traffic. I like to just sit there for a while and take in the beauty of a natural landscape, lose myself in it and then walk away leaving no trace. I just take pictures to remember them all. I’m as open about music as I am about movies, and I like to fall asleep to a song that fits my mood for the day on repeat. It keeps my mind from overthinking and relaxes me. I have three vices… dark chocolate, coffee, and mascara.”

“Mascara?” Ashlyn asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh yeah, very rare that I’m not wearing it. Even wear it to bed.” Ali replies with a smile.

“Any particular reason?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“It sort of sets the tone for me. If I look good, I feel good. Kind of like how I make my bed every morning. I start with those two things, put mascara on and make the bed. If I do nothing else that day, I feel accomplished having done those two minimal things.” Ali tries to explain it.

“You’re a very fascinating person, Alex.” Ashlyn says sweetly.

“A good kind of fascinating I hope.” Ali says playfully.

“A wonderful kind of fascinating.” Ashlyn gives her a dimpled grin. “Go on…”

_That dimple gets me every time._ Ali feels almost giddy inside just looking at the striking woman holding her gaze with rapt attention. “For as many people as I’ve met along the way, I only have a few close friends. Two people that I grew up with here in the city, my college roommate at Harvard, and my brother. My brother is actually my best friend and the person I spend the most time with. He lives here in NYC and he’s only a year older than me.” Ali reveals.

“I think that’s really sweet.” Ashlyn says warmly. “So, sounds like he doesn’t live with you then?”

“He lives on the Upper East Side, near the MET.” Ali replies. “He actually works near me in SoHo though. He’s a big gay hair stylist at Spoke & Weal Salon, but he has a lot of private clients too.”

“I know that place. He must be a really damn good stylist to work there.” Ashlyn says as she recalls the very upscale salon. She had once considered going in there when her stylist was on vacation, but just ended up waiting for him to get back instead.

“He is, an amazing one actually. I owe my great hair and all my makeup prowess to him.” Ali smiles. “His real claim to fame is that he’s one of these ‘Instagram celebrities’.” Ali uses her fingers to make air quotes. “One of those people that isn’t like Hollywood famous, but has like a million social media followers. Do you know Instagram?”

Ashlyn can’t help the loud guffaw that breaks through her smile. “Sorry, sorry.” She apologizes after laughing for a solid 15 seconds with Ali just looking at her a bit blankly.

“Stupid and apparently very funny question.” Ali shakes her head with a shy smile, still a bit confused by the reaction she got.

“No, no, not stupid at all.” Ashlyn reassures her. “Just…wow…you really didn’t Google me, did you?”

“Nope. Care to fill me in on what I missed and why it’s so funny?” Ali presses and eats the last potato wedge on her plate.

“Well, you asked if I knew Instagram. I uh…actually…I invented Instagram.” Ashlyn says softly and watches Ali’s eyes widen as it hits the brunette.

“Come on, no way!” Ali yells out before she can stop it, quickly getting herself in check again so she doesn’t embarrass herself. “Damn… well ok then. I would think you were pulling my leg, but look at this place. It fits.” She motions with her hand to their surroundings again. “Incredible. You seriously invented Instagram?”

“Yep, at Stanford with my roommate. That was the start of it anyway, we didn’t officially put it out there until years later after we both got frustrated working for other tech companies and decided to start our own.” Ashlyn says matter-of-factly.

“I am so mind blown right now.” Ali admits still in a bit of a fluster.

“For the record, I Instagram stalk way before I even think to Google stalk. The landscapes… they’re beautiful. Especially now that I understand the meaning behind it.” Ashlyn says knowingly. “I found it a little odd that you had no personal pictures, but I get it now. It’s very deep and I appreciate that in the world of shallow social media.”

“Oh, well thank you.” Ali smiles before adding “stalker.”

“Clearly I’m a pretty crappy stalker if I didn’t know you had an Instagram famous brother.” Ashlyn laughs, hearing Ali join in. _That laugh, I could listen to it forever. _She feels her heart rate pick up a bit.

“Yeah, I have to admit that I don’t even understand this whole Instagram fame thing.” Ali throws her hands up.

“Ha, well it’s a simple algorithm really. Much of it is about the quality of images, originality, good hashtags, and posting often. Outside of already popular celebrities and media outlets, popularity on Instagram is geared towards unique brands and imagery…and also people who take their clothes off.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“Oh gosh, that makes so much sense. He’s the latter one.” Ali lets out her own giggle. “He has a great body, nice tattoos, and constantly posts really artistic and scantily clad pictures of himself and his good looking friends.”

“See, very simple!” Ashlyn snickers. “Maybe I’ll give you some tips to pass along to him.”

“Oh speaking of. I should tell you that while I often run some client related things by people I’m close to or even vent to them sometimes, I don’t ever identify who my clients are at all. Even with my brother. So, I’d just have to pretend that I read an article about it or something.” Ali tells her.

“Nah, just let him think you’re an Instagram genius. I won’t tell.” Ashlyn winks.

“Now that’s a plan I can get behind.” Ali laughs. “Alright though, you seriously owe me some backstory here.”

“I definitely do. Thanks for starting us off by telling me all those things about you. How about I clear these dishes and then we can move to the couch? I have some fresh made chocolate chip cookies and I can make some coffee.” Ashlyn suggests now that they’ve finished eating.

“Sounds great. I’ll never pass up cookies, or coffee for that matter. You really are quite the hostess.” Ali compliments.

“I try.” Ashlyn gives her a little grin and motions for the brunette to go make herself comfortable while she moves to clear the dishes.

“Let me at least help with the dishes while you make the coffee.” Ali gets right up and grabs the plates.

“Hmmm, someone who helps clear the dishes around here… that’s new. I’m gonna need you to teach my friends some manners.” Ashlyn jokes.

“That could be arranged. Might have to double my fee for that though.” Ali playfully considers it.

“Deal!” Ashlyn plays back and gets to making the coffee.

\-----

“Pretty sure you already said that you know I’m 31, but I’m closer to 32.” Ashlyn starts after handing Ali a mug of coffee and settling down next to her on the couch with a comfortable space between them. She takes a quick sip of her coffee and turns her body a bit to face the brunette. “I was born and grew up in Satellite Beach, Florida. It’s a somewhat downtrodden beach town along the central coast. A place that owns a piece of my heart and also one that I couldn’t wait to get the fuck away from, if you know what I mean.”

“Is that where Stanford comes into play?” Ali guesses.

“Exactly. As soon as I could, I high-tailed it to the opposite coast. The only thing I really had back in Florida by that time was my grandma. She was everything to me, raised me mostly. She uh, died about 5 years ago.” Ashlyn’s voice gets notably softer.

“I’m really sorry.” Ali reaches over and gives Ashlyn’s forearm a quick squeeze.

Ashlyn gives the brunette a tight smile. “I don’t have much family to speak of. I have an older brother, but he and I don’t get to talk much under the current circumstances. No one else other than that, but I have some amazing friends. My friends are my family.”

“Friends make the best family sometimes.” Ali says simply, choosing not to ask any questions or push for information at all given that Ashlyn looks pretty solemn at the moment.

Ashlyn nods in agreement, noting the warm but sort of curious expression on the brunette’s face. “I’m going to follow your lead and hold off on the family backstory for now if that’s ok. It’s a huge part of everything, and I know it’ll be important for me to tell you so you can understand how I got to this place I’m in. Probably a good idea to just start small like you said though.”

“Completely ok.” Ali assures her and gets a little smile.

“So, back to Stanford.” Ashlyn gets back on track. “I grew up fascinated by computers and gaming and pretty much self-taught myself programming through library books and information on the internet. By the time I was 14, I was hacking into neighbor’s computers from my bedroom through their internet connections and leaving them little warning messages about security pinned to their desktop.”

“Oh my god!” Ali laughs. “Genius, got it.”

“I didn’t say that.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a smile.

“No, but I did. Definitely one of those genius prodigy kids, you’re not changing my mind.” Ali says resolutely. “Go on.”

“Annnyway…” Ashlyn moves right along with a little smirk. “I got a full college scholarship from the Dell computer company after winning a ‘Girls in Programming’ cyber security competition my senior year in high school. If it wasn’t for that, I never could have afforded or gone to Stanford.”

“You are so beyond impressive.” Ali says in awe before quickly apologizing for interrupting and motioning for a now slightly red-faced Ashlyn to continue.

“So, luck of the draw...I get assigned a roommate who is also in computer science. Whitney Engen, pretty well-off girl from Southern Cali. We were such opposites in a lot of ways, but we hit it off and were best friends in no time. I’ve always been focused but also a little bit reckless, a free thinker with big ideas who doesn’t like to be boxed in or told what to do. Whit has always been cautious and practical, more of a planner and rule-follower. We work well together, always have. If I’m Sherlock, then she’s my Dr. Watson. We actually call each other that.” Ashlyn smiles. “I keep her from planting her feet too deeply and she keeps me from floating away, it’s a good balance.”

“That’s really sweet. She sounds wonderful.” Ali notes the way Ashlyn’s sounds at ease when talking about her best friend.

“She is.” Ashlyn nods. “So my sophomore year, Facebook was pretty much soaring in popularity by that point. I had lots of big ideas and visions about social media with very little concrete programming behind them. Whit and I would often fall asleep talking about those ideas on a more realistic scale, and eventually, we began to actually try to develop some of them. I was still really interested in online gaming, so our first brain child was this platform that combined social media with online gaming. It was an app where you could check-in and locate people around you, play games with them, chat, meet-up, stuff like that. We called it Burbn since we were both big whiskey drinkers.”

“Very cool. Can’t say I ever heard of Burbn, but I know of similar apps.” Ali says as she contemplates it.

“Yep, and therein lies the problem.” Ashlyn smiles. “We had it fairly well developed by the time we graduated, but it wasn’t quite ready yet. We just kind of ran out of time on it with trying to keep up with classes. Both of us took jobs in Cali at tech companies after graduation and we just sort of stalled on it because life got busy.”

“I can understand that.” Ali nods.

“Fast-forward to 8 months later… both of us were frustrated as hell with our jobs. I was working for Google as a programmer. They had promised me all kinds of fast advancement and the ability to work on personal projects to attract me, but they never made good on that. I understand working your way up, but they treated me like crap there and didn’t value a single idea I had, just grunt work really.” Ashlyn recounts.

“That sucks. I would’ve thought working for Google would have been awesome.” Ali furrows her brow.

“Me too.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Whit was having a similar experience at Nvidia. We talked a lot about it and decided to put more effort into our side project again. At that point we both mentally checked out of our jobs, pretty much did the bare minimum to stay employed so we could pay the bills while we worked on Burbn.”

“So did you ever launch Burbn then?” Ali inquires.

“Nope. By the time we were getting close, we realized it was way too similar to FourSquare which had launched around then.” Ashlyn replies. “We got stuck and frustrated for a bit, but then Whit forced us back to the drawing board. That’s when we started to look collectively at the social media apps out there and tried to figure out where they fell short. Then one day, it just hit me.”

“Ah right, the lightbulb moment.” Ali smiles.

“Bingo.” Ashlyn smiles. “I was ranting to Whit one night about how these social media platforms were so text based. That it would be much more interesting to use less words and express ourselves with pictures, especially with phone cameras getting higher in quality with every passing day. To make a long story short, we realized that the ability to post high quality images, edit them, and use filters was practically non-existent on social media. Whatever did exist was just very basic photo sharing. So we scrapped all aspects of Burbn other than the photo-sharing. And Instagram was born.”

“Wow. Again, I’m pretty blown away.” Ali admires. “It seems so simple, and yet…not.”

“It was a big relief in a lot of ways. The ability to just focus on one thing and make it as great as possible. Both of us kind of thrived at it. Everything we loved about programming came to the forefront, it was exciting and fun again like it hadn’t been in years, you know?” Ashlyn explains, trying to tone down the overboard level of enthusiasm she knows she reaches when she starts talking about this.

“I can only imagine. Even now I can hear your passion for it.” Ali smiles. “Clearly it was a winning idea!”

“That first year was so brutal though.” Ashlyn reminisces. “We launched it in July 2010 with a picture I posted on my account. We had no idea how fast it would grow and how big it would get.”

“I’m sure I can just look this up, but what was the picture?” Ali’s curiosity gets the best of her.

“For as invested as I am in pictures, it was terrible quality and bizarre really. Just the first random thing I snapped on my phone to post. Adog that belonged to this girl I was dating at the time, and the girl’s foot too.” Ashlyn laughs.

“And here I was expecting something profound and meaningful.” Ali belly laughs.

“Nope. Not even close. Cute dog though.” Ashlyn continues to chuckle, the brunette’s laugh egging her on. “Whit and I never dreamed that it would explode like it did, that the stupid picture would ever matter.”

“That’s just solid poetic justice right there. Maybe if you had posted a meaningful picture, it wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Ali muses playfully.

“Probably true.” Ashlyn agrees. “Only took a week before we had several hundred users, a month before we had a few thousand, a few months before it was millions and we finally quit our jobs. We were just two naïve kids trying to keep up. We weren’t really business savvy outside of knowing how to get paid by using ads, but we did pretty well for ourselves financially. The funny thing is that we just tried to plow through it like everything else, just the two of us. We had alarms set to go off on our phones when servers were down or we had security issues. God, they would go off like every 30 minutes. We barely slept that first year. Brutal. Worth it, but brutal.”

“That’s so intense.” Ali says with wide eyes.

“It really was. Took a while to realize we couldn’t grow without a proper business and staff. So we more officially co-founded Hargen, Inc., a blend of our last names. I’m the CEO and Whit is the Chief Technology Officer. Then Whit had this childhood friend, Megan, who was an MBA, so we hired her first as our Chief Financial Officer…and two peas in a pod became three musketeers. The three of us have been inseparable ever since. Like I said before, they are my family.”

“What an amazing story.” Ali says warmly, still in wonderment over the whole thing. “How big is your staff now?”

“Not huge. We’ve kept it fairly tight-knit and have about 30 employees now, mostly programmers, designers, and administrative staff. About ten of them work under Facebook employment in Cali to keep Instagram up and running, and the rest work here in NYC to develop new projects.” Ashlyn replies matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, so I know Instagram was bought by Facebook a while back. How does that work? Why did you sell after only a couple years?” Ali asks freely.

“I guess because it changed so fast into something we didn’t quite see as part of our original vision.” Ashlyn tries to explain it. “We loved the purity of it from the start, that’s what we designed it to be. But the users sort of steered its direction and it moved away from that unique form we intended and more towards typical social media.”

“Not sure I’m quite understanding what you mean.” Ali says a bit lost.

“We had built Instagram with the vision that it would allow for more freedom of expression, the literal idea of a picture being worth a thousand words. In a world of text-based social media, this was supposed to break the mold by making personal expression something visual. And it did that initially. But then it became less of a pure expression and a more narcissistic one, another way for social media to mask our true selves rather than show them. Sure there’s great artistry out there and Instagram is still great in many ways, but like other social media it became a popularity contest. This is totally not a knock on your brother at all, but the Instagram celebrity status is not what we envisioned. It’s a cool new-wave thing, but not what we intended. Does that make more sense?” Ashlyn elaborates to try and clarify.

“Absolutely. I never thought of it that way, but I understand you completely. I guess it sort of reminds me of why I appreciate landscapes that haven’t been so traveled… the purity in it.” Ali replies as she thinks it over.

“Yes! Exactly like that.” Ashlyn confirms with a smile, feeling really comfortable and in tune with the brunette in an unexpected way at the moment. “Despite the way it went, we still wanted it to be shaped by its users. The best social media takes shape that way. So, when Facebook made us a ridiculous offer, we didn’t think twice about letting it go to place it was better suited, that better fit what it had become. They still employ us to run all the basics of the interface itself and development of filters and stuff like that, but the pressure is off in a lot of ways now. And we’re more freed up to develop new products.” She finishes.

“Wow. I have to say, I really respect you and Whitney for that. That you fostered greatness without compromising your vision. Really admirable.” Ali says warmly.

“Thank you. Although, the billion-dollar payout was a pretty good motivator too.” Ashlyn admits with a little smirk.

“Damn, really?!” Ali asks with raised eyebrows. Clearly her view of Ashlyn as ‘well-off’ is an understatement.

“Really. Facebook apparently stops at nothing to get what they want.” Ashlyn replies.

“Geez, no kidding. No wonder this place is…” Ali trails off in a low whistle as she motions to the lavish penthouse they are sitting in. “That’s an incredible story, Ashlyn…truly. You should be proud of yourself.”

“Yeah, uh… can’t say I’m proud of a lot of things, but yeah…I’m proud of that. Proud of my work ethic at least.” Ashlyn says modestly.

“That’s fair.” Ali says simply and looks to move on before the slight blush on Ashlyn’s cheeks gets any deeper. “So, how come you have more staff here than in Cali?”

“Oh uh, the answer to that stems from the big complicated mess of crap that is far from the surface stuff we’re on at the moment.” Ashlyn replies evenly. “Oh here, you haven’t had any cookies yet. We got distracted and forgot dessert.” She holds up the tray for Ali to take one before she grabs one for herself and takes a sip of her coffee.

“No worries. And I recognize a stop sign when I see one.” Ali says knowingly at the sudden change in subject.

“Not a stop sign, Alex. Just more than I think we can get into today with the time left and I’m probably not in the right headspace either. I do feel really open to you, so we’ll get there. Story for next time?” Ashlyn replies genuinely.

“Of course, I’ll never press you on anything like that.” Ali feels like there is something heavy now hanging in the air between them and remembers the way Ashlyn responded to her touch in the first session. She reaches over to take the short-haired woman’s hand, seeing a sweet smile form on her lips as hazel eyes look up to meet her own. It’s enough to lift the mood, she can almost feel Ashlyn instantly relax again. “Not that I’m surprised given how good dinner was, but this is a really damn good chocolate chip cookie.” She compliments after taking a bite, feeling a gentle squeeze on the hand that is still held in Ashlyn’s warm grasp.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn smiles, grateful for the ease between them even when things should be a bit awkward, for the simple but soothing touch from the brunette that grounds her when her mind is apt to stray.

“Let’s move on.” Ali suggests. “I heard a lot about Whitney. What’s Megan like?”

“Absolutely nothing like Whitney, that’s for sure.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a laugh. “She went to Yale.”

“Yuck.” Ali makes a face in playful judgment.

“My thoughts exactly.” Ashlyn agrees with her own joking grimace. “Anyway, she’s more of a free spirit to say the least. On one hand, she’s a hard worker and really focused. On the other, she’s blunt, and completely inappropriate at times, and the life of the party. She’s mostly that fun friend that keeps things light and forces you out of your shell, but can also be so deep, and caring, and supportive when the going gets tough. She’s uber gay and proud, comfortable with herself, her exuberance is contagious. One of a kind really.”

“She sounds amazing, and really fun. A whole lot like my brother actually, so I know what you mean.” Ali smiles. “So those two are your squad pretty much?”

“Mainly, but my personal assistant has become a really important person to me too. Her name is Crystal and I don’t think anything about our work relationship was ever boss and employee.” Ashlyn shrugs with a smile. “She might be one of the greatest chances I ever took on someone.”

“Really, how come?” Ali asks curiously, not sure quite what Ashlyn means.

“When I moved here to NYC, I went through a bunch of personal assistants that were just jackasses really. There were five of them that came and went. And every single one had either tried to steal from the company or released private information about our projects in development. Just a bunch of people out for nothing but themselves. Anyway, the day I fired the 5th one… I walked outside and just went with my gut by hiring a homeless artist that I had seen standing out there a few times and that I had even bought some artwork from once as a way to help her. No idea why I did it, but it turned out to be one of my best decisions ever.” Ashlyn recounts.

“Wow.” Ali says in a whisper, but is immediately cut off by Ashlyn continuing to speak.

“And I totally don’t mean that in a ‘look at me, I’m awesome and charitable’ kind of way that it probably sounds like. It wasn’t about that. I just had a feeling and I went with it. Crystal is an incredible person, so kind and passionate. A wonderful artist and designer, and an even better friend. She’s spunky and sassy, keeps it real with me. I went all in with her. Set her up in a condo downstairs, a car that she uses personally and for business when I need a ride, and she’s well compensated for the hard work she does to help me keep my shit together as an assistant. I’m paying for her college education at NYU, and I can’t wait to have her onboard as an official graphic designer for us when she graduates. Anyway, she deserves all of that and more… she’s truly earned it. I got so damn lucky to have her I my life.” Ashlyn says resolutely.

“I don’t even know what to say right now.” Ali admits, just completely entranced by the woman in front of her. She gently squeezes Ashlyn’s hand that is still held in her own, using her free hand to reach for another cookie before sitting back a bit against the couch. “You are one of those really authentic people. I respect that so much.”

“Thanks.” Ashlyn says softly, reaching for another cookie herself so she doesn’t blush yet again. “I try really hard to be.”

“You are. I can see that easily.” Ali reinforces her statement before moving on to keep things from getting too serious. “I know we’re getting close to the end for today. So, how about you give me your quick list of things I wouldn’t find out on Google?”

“That’s fair.” Ashlyn smirks slightly and takes a bite of her cookie as she thinks of what to say. “I’m a very touch sensory person. I’ve always been that way with everyone. So, it translates into me being a major cuddler. Friends or romantic partners, just the same. It’s pretty common that I’m holding hands or have my arm around a friend, unless of course it isn’t an appropriate environment for that. And my friends are used to it and very much the same way back with me. I don’t know, I guess it just makes me feel closer and more connected to someone, makes me relax with them.”

“I’ve noticed.” Ali grins and holds up their hands that are still held between them. “I felt you relax when I held your hand in the first session, hence…” Her eyes dart down to their hands again.

“You know, you’re very intuitive. Probably most intuitive person I’ve ever met. You don’t seem to miss much.” Ashlyn replies with her own wide grin.

“Well, I credit that trait with making me a decent therapist.” Ali shrugs and moves on before Ashlyn can challenge the ‘decent’ part, certainly not fishing for compliments. “What else about you?”

“I read a lot. Probably way too much.” Ashlyn motions to the library area with the mostly full floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. “I’ve actually read all of those. I like thrillers and mysteries, but my real love is history and biographies. I guess I like people’s stories, learning about lives lived and trying to tie those experiences into my own life in an attempt to understand the great mystery of human existence.”

“Geez, that’s really deep. I probably shouldn’t confess that my last good read was The Hunger Games series.” Ali cringes playfully.

“You’re funny.” Ashlyn chuckles. “But you’re right, that was a good read.” She adds with a wink that makes the brunette laugh. _I love making her laugh. _“It’s sort of the same with movies and TV, I watch all kinds of stuff but my favorite are documentaries for the same reason as the history and biography books.”

“I watch documentaries too. What’s your favorite?” Ali inquires.

“_Gleason_.” Ashlyn replies right away.

“I don’t know that one.” Ali tries to remember if she’s even heard of it.

“It’s about Steve Gleason who used to play for the New Orleans Saints football team, pretty much a local hero there after he blocked a punt in a big game. Anyway, it’s about how he got diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease a few years after that and his struggle to live with it. I guess it just helps me understand… some things.” Ashlyn trails off a bit vaguely.

“I’ll have to check it out.” Ali doesn’t push any further, having felt the tiniest little quiver of Ashlyn’s hand entwined with her own. “My favorites are _Inside Job_ and _Too Big to Fail_. Chalk it up to my interests in economics.”

“Good ones! I learned so much from _Too Big to Fail_.” Ashlyn says enthusiastically, wanting to know why the brunette is so interested in economics, but already knowing that topic is off limits for today. Instead, she opts to continue on. “As for other things about me, I oddly like my alone time but also know I’m so much better off in the company of people. And I don’t think I could ever live anywhere without an ocean nearby.” She motions to the glass windows all around the penthouse, the view of the Hudson River practically panoramic.

“I guess that explains why you’ve stuck to the coasts.” Ali comments.

“Exactly why. I look out onto the water and it feels alive, and it makes me feel alive. I’m drawn to it in ways I can’t even explain.” Ashlyn elaborates.

“I can understand that. I love the beauty of it myself, as you probably know from all the landscape pictures.” Ali smiles.

“Yeah some of those were remarkable.” Ashlyn admits, having spent quite a while looking through them when she found the brunette’s Instagram. “How come you never label where they were taken?”

“Just didn’t want to do anything to encourage anyone to find those spots. Part of my whole thing about going to less traveled places I guess.” Ali answers simply.

“Duh. Of course.” Ashlyn nods.

“Alright, so how about one last thing…what are your vices?” Ali asks after having told the short-haired woman about hers.

“Easy. Good whiskey, Carmex lip balm, and slow dancing.” Ashlyn says without much thought.

“Ok, you get major points for originality. I wouldn’t have seen any of those coming except for maybe the whiskey since you mentioned that when we were talking about Burbn.” Ali admits.

“I do like being one of a kind.” Ashlyn laughs lightly.

“I get the whiskey, but I’m gonna need more on the others.” Ali prods a bit.

“Ok, well I really don’t like when my lips are dry. Carmex is my favorite lip balm and I pretty much feel naked without it on, kind of like my version of your mascara.” Ashlyn explains. “The only time I don’t wear it is when there’s any chance of kissing someone for the first time. It does have a bit of a weird flavor, so I leave it off until I can pre-warn them.”

“Explains why I don’t recall any lip balm on you during our first session.” Ali remarks lightly.

“Uh yeah, you didn’t give me much to go on with the whole ‘physical but not sex’ thing ahead of time…so, I played it safe. Glad I did.” Ashlyn laughs softly.

“Well consider me warned and it doesn’t bother me one bit. So, wear it all you want.” Ali reassures her.

“Well in that case…” Ashlyn immediately pulls a small tube out of her pocket and puts some on. “Sooo much better.” She adds in a relieved tone with a dimpled grin as she smacks her lips.

_She’s adorable._ Ali giggles a bit at the woman’s antics. “What about the slow dancing?”

“I just feel like it’s one of the purest and most intimate ways to connect with someone. Just being really close together, looking into their eyes, feeling their warmth… you can almost hear their thoughts as your own. One of my favorite things in the world.” Ashlyn reveals.

“You’re one of those ‘flowers for no reason’ grand gesture romantics, aren’t you?” Ali questions with a playfully raised eyebrow.

“Guilty.” Ashlyn confesses with a smile. “But not really flowers all that much, I’m more apt to show up with some amazing donuts and a bottle of expensive wine.”

“You are so speaking my language. Very unique.” Ali smiles.

“Told you, I like to be one of a kind.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“You certainly are and I happen to really like that about you.” Ali squeezes the short-haired woman’s hand. “We should probably wrap up for today.”

“Yeah, it has definitely been a couple hours.” Ashlyn replies, noticing the sky outside is notably darkening. “Some cookies for the road?” She asks as she reluctantly lets go of the brunette’s hand and stands up while grabbing the tray on the coffee table.

“I’ve already had too many, but my brother would be thrilled with a couple when he comes over tonight.” Ali replies.

“You bet.” Ashlyn happily grabs a small Ziploc bag from the kitchen and puts a few cookies in there, handing it to Ali as the brunette puts her coat on. “It has been a really long time since I’ve had a good, agenda-free, comfortable conversation with someone new. It was nice.”

“Well, it’s a two-way street and you’re really easy to talk to. I’m enjoying getting to know you.” Ali says genuinely.

“Likewise.” Ashlyn smiles, hands going into her pockets because she’s not sure what to do with herself at the moment and trying not to be awkward.

“We got through a lot today about who we are now. I’m hoping next time we can start to delve into how we got here.” Ali suggests hopefully. “So, Friday at 4pm. Here as usual?” She checks in.

“Oh, um.” Ashlyn’s mind races a bit, hands pressing more deeply into her pockets.

“Hey Ashlyn, remember I’m not pressuring you to talk about things you don’t want to. It was just a suggestion, but we can hold off on that.” Ali quickly pipes up at the reaction she got.

“No, no…it’s not that. I feel comfortable with you and I’ve had to tell people about my past without nearly this level of comfort before. I’m ready to start getting into it.” Ashlyn explains. “I just don’t like to talk about it indoors if I don’t have to, makes me feel kinda closed in sometimes. Can we meet down at Pier 1 by the Brooklyn Bridge?” She requests, knowing that being on the water is her ideal for this conversation. “Or does that not work in terms of like physical stuff?” She adds pointing between them.

“That totally works, we can meet there.” Ali agrees easily. “After this second session, I like to let the physical aspects start to reveal themselves naturally with the building personal connection. That being said, I make sure that it moves at an appropriate pace. And, like I said before, we won’t be doing anything really intimate until we can both agree that it’s the right timing. So, nothing will happen that isn’t appropriate for a public place.”

“Ok, great.” Ashlyn smiles. “So, meet me at the benches by the water at the northeast corner?”

“Pier 1, Brooklyn Bridge, benches on the northeast corner. You got it.” Ali smiles back, noting Ashlyn’s sort of stiff posture. It reminds her of the first few minutes they met when the short-haired woman was too nervous to know what to do. Given what Ashlyn just told her about being a touchy person, she opts to try and make the moment more comfortable. She walks over and wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s broad shoulders, smiling when she feels the woman scramble to get her hands out of her pockets to hug her back. She holds the hug for a bit, her attention going the feel of Ashlyn’s large hands protectively holding her lower back. “You did great today. Have a goodnight, Ash.” She smiles again as she pulls back and then goes to press the elevator button.

“Thanks, Alex. You too.” Ashlyn smiles a bit goofily, eyes never leaving the whiskey ones holding her gaze until the elevator doors close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming on Monday!


	7. Why NYC? (Session 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger Warnings for graphic descriptions of physical abuse and September 11th (9/11).******
> 
> I warned you that these characters have dark pasts and here it is...very heavy and very dark, so be prepared. As you know if you've read my other stories, the dark sides of my characters have purpose. In this case, it not only defines who they are and how they have grown, but also connects them deeply. Hopefully you will find the light among the dark here. 
> 
> Have a wonderful start to the week!

Session 3 – Why NYC?

“So you’ve had two sessions now, how’s it going so far?” Nancy asks looking over the frame of her glasses at Ashlyn.

“Really well.” Ashlyn smiles a bit. “Better than I ever expected. She’s wonderful.” She pauses before letting out what’s on her mind. “Maybe too wonderful.”

“Too wonderful? Why is that?” Nancy asks with a slight furrow in her brow, not sure what to make of that statement after the initially positive sentiment.

“Nance, she’s freaking amazing. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and so insightful. She reads me really well and makes me comfortable in situations where I would usually feel embarrassed or hesitant. It seems like we click in every way. She’s perfect.” Ashlyn gets out in a deep sigh.

“And this is bad?” Nancy leans forward a bit in her chair.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Ashlyn blows out another breath. “Her…just everything… it’s so damn good. How I am supposed to just let myself get in deep like this and then let it go? I’m flipping out about that part already and it just started. We haven’t even had sex or gotten close to it. The feeling can only get worse, well, more like stronger.”

“Ah, ok. Understandable.” Nancy nods knowingly. “Well Ashlyn, honestly, that’s the challenge of this in many ways. It’s why I said it takes a very open mind and a willingness to really let go. Are you second guessing yourself on that?”

“No…I guess not. I don’t know.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Well look, this process is one that is very unique. It’s certainly therapy, but it strays really far from conventional therapy when it comes to transference of feelings. In this case, it’s a very normal and encouraged thing for you to form a very strong and intimate bond with your therapist. And she’ll likely form a somewhat similar bond to you, only she’s more used to doing it than you are obviously.” Nancy explains. “For all intents and purposes, she might as well be your partner…as weird as that sounds. It’ll be different of course, but similar in many ways. She went over with you that these feelings are normal right?”

“Yeah, she did.” Ashlyn nods.

“Then it sounds to me like this is going very well for you.” Nancy assures her.

“It is. Really well, I know that.” Ashlyn looks down at her hands. “But how does that help me deal with what feels like impending doom?”

“Well, that’s something you can talk to her about and it might help to be open about it.” Nancy suggests. “Maybe I can help shed some light?”

“Yeah, ok. I’m listening.” Ashlyn looks back up at her.

“Think of this as a very difficult and also exciting journey. Let’s say it’s like climbing Mount Everest.” Nancy lays out a metaphor. “It seems like an insurmountable and even dangerous challenge, but you’re willing to go for it. With me so far?”

“I’m with you.” Ashlyn answers.

“So, let’s say the journey turns out to be as difficult as expected but also completely life changing. As in you succeed and you make it to the top. For as much as there are celebrations and good feelings about the accomplishment, there’s also the climb down, right? The letdown of it being over?” Nancy asks.

“Exactly, that’s what I’m saying.” Ashlyn nods.

“But does it make the journey itself any less of an accomplishment, any less life changing or wonderful? And now you’ll know that you did it and that you are capable of making that journey again. Sure, maybe that big first climb to the top of the most challenging mountain will pack the biggest thrill, but isn’t it worth knowing that you can do it and that you can enjoy that journey? And also that you’ll have the confidence after that to enjoy the thrill of climbing any other mountaintop out there?” Nancy questions.

“Geez, yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” Ashlyn concedes after taking a moment to think it over. “I think my friends were trying to tell me the same thing. Might suck a bit at the end, but yeah, worth the life changing part.”

“Good. So, the goal now is to stop worrying about the climb down so you can make it on climb up. You’ll never get to the top if your mind isn’t fully focused on getting to that summit, you know what I’m saying?” Nancy further explains.

“Absolutely. Thank you, I guess I really needed that visual.” Ashlyn admits appreciatively.

“Glad I could help.” Nancy smiles. “So outside of that, you’re doing well with it so far?”

“Yes, truly am. She’s seen my back scars, but we haven’t really gotten into it. Still, she put me as ease about it so fast.” Ashlyn reveals. “I uh, I’m going to try and get into some of that history at our session tomorrow. I feel comfortable with her.”

“That’s really great. Are you nervous about telling her?” Nancy asks.

“Kind of, but not because I’m worried about telling her. More so that I just never know how it’s going to come out. I’ve mentioned that to you before…how the story always comes out a little different every time depending on what my mind focuses on remembering in that moment. I just feel like if I’m going to go all in and do this whole therapy thing right, I want it to really come out so she understands.”

“I’m sure it will.” Nancy encourages her. “Just say what you can. You’re right on target, she’s very insightful. I have no doubt she’ll guide you. And remember that it doesn’t have to all come out at once.”

“You’re right, you’re always right.” Ashlyn smiles a bit, feeling a little better now. “Thanks for encouraging me to do this and recommending her, she really is just…perfect, like I said.”

“You’re very welcome. I’m happy to hear it’s going well.” Nancy says gladly. “Told you I was the best therapist.” She adds with smile. “Just don’t forget about me.” She teases a bit.

“Ha, I would neeeever! You’re like my Yoda, Nance.” Ashlyn jokes, the two of them falling into a fit of laughter.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Found you.” Ali says softly as she sits down next to Ashlyn on a bench right on the corner edge of the pier. Water ferries are busily going by on the Hudson as helicopters fly over the traffic-filled Brooklyn Bridge nearby. She had actually spotted her a few minutes ago and slowed her walking down to watch the short-haired woman a bit longer.

_Her style is so effortless, impeccable. She’s so striking, even from a distance. _Ali found herself easily entranced by Ashlyn sitting there in slim black cargo pants, distressed leather boots, and dark gray winter pea coat…her hands in her coat pockets, her collar pulled up around her neck even though it’s chilly and not all that cold. She was looking out over the water, her face serene and so tranquil that Ali was hesitant to break the moment, but eventually made her way over.

“I knew you would.” Ashlyn smiles widely and takes the brunette in. She’s outfitted pretty casually in fitted light-wash jeans, a pair of black Air Jordan’s and a black leather jacket, her hair flowing down naturally over her shoulders. _Simply beautiful…she’s always beautiful_. “Hi, Alex.”

“Hi Ash. You look nice, and a bit cold.” Ali returns the greeting and places her handbag down on her left and another paper grocery bag between them.

“Yeah, can’t get that warm-climate girl out of me. The winter here feels subzero to me.” Ashlyn chuckles. “You look amazing yourself. What’s that?” She asks curiously as she points to the paper bag.

“Well, you like to talk over food. So, my treat this time.” Ali replies simply.

“That is incredibly thoughtful of you, thank you.” Ashlyn replies, deeply touched by the gesture.

“Don’t thank me yet.” Ali warns. “This is so not on the level of the meal you served me. But since I got to reap the benefits of such skillful culinary technique, I thought I’d return the favor by showing you how to eat properly when you’re low on time and skill.”

“I’m intrigued. Maybe a little scared.” Ashlyn jokes.

“You should be.” Ali giggles and pulls out two medium-sized bags of Fritos corn chips. “Here, open that and roll the bag down a couple times so it’s not so deep.”

“Well, I guess you weren’t kidding on the low skill part.” Ashlyn teases and does what she’s told. “Can’t say I was expecting a bag of chips.”

“That’s the magic of it.” Ali smirks and pulls a bag of shredded cheddar cheese out of the paper bag. “Ok, sprinkle a good amount of cheese on the chips.” She instructs and watches Ashlyn do it. “Ok, now for the goods.” She pulls out a to-go container of hot chili she got from her favorite bodega a few blocks away. She reaches over and carefully pours half of it in Ashlyn’s bag of chips before pouring the rest on her own. “Walla, Walking Frito Pie!” She announces proudly before handing Ashlyn a plastic spork, a napkin, and a bottle of coke.

“Wow.” Ashlyn says playfully with wide eyes. “So, essentially you’re teaching me the art of eating like a frat boy.”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing. Just try it.” Ali smiles smugly.

Ashlyn shrugs and eats a large bite, turning to Ali with a smile. “That’s fucking amazing, seriously.”

“See, you can learn a lot from us lowly cooks.” Ali laughs and eats a bite of her own. “It’s even better at home when I can add fresh onions, tomatoes, jalapenos, sour cream and chives.”

“I am so doing that this week. It’ll throw my friends for a loop!” Ashlyn laughs. “Thanks, this is perfect.”

“Anytime.” Ali replies, noting in this moment how Ashlyn seems so much like an old friend she’s known forever, but also a complete mystery.

\-------

“So, we have good food and the beautiful water of the Hudson to look at…can I just dive right in with a question to get us going?” Ali speaks up after they’ve eaten quietly for a while.

“You sure can.” Ashlyn looks over at her and smiles. She feels ready, the warm whiskey eyes looking into her own are enough to chase away any lingering nervousness.

“Alright, so you were in Cali for a while it seems. How did you end up in NYC?” Ali asks figuring it will start off their conversation in the present and maybe wind its way into the past.

Ashlyn chuckles really softly. “Bet you thought you were tossing me an easy question to start off, huh?”

“That was the plan. Apparently not. Shit, sorry.” Ali grimaces a bit. “I’ll rewind and ask something else.”

“No, no.” Ashlyn waves it off. “The truth is that there is no easy way to start this conversation. It’s not a good story, no way around it, and I kinda just prepped myself to get right into it. The real question is, are you ready to wade through a shit swamp?”

“Wherever you lead me, I’m right here beside you.” Ali replies, her voice resolute but friendly.

Ashlyn eats the last two bites of her food, setting the bag aside and letting her gaze fall on the water. She watches the wake of the ferry that just passed by roll in towards the pier and takes a deep breath. “I never knew my mother. Not really anyway.”

Ali sets aside her own food and turns her body a bit towards the short-haired woman, carefully watching her demeanor as her jaw tightens a bit. She watches Ashlyn’s eyes skim over the water, but doesn’t dare follow their trajectory, instead staying focused on her face.

“She died when I was about a year old and it was pretty much because of me.” Ashlyn says quietly, a subtle melancholy in her voice.

“How so?” Ali asks gently, being cautious not to invalidate Ashlyn’s feelings about it.

“She died of ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease. They discovered it early on in her pregnancy with me and told her she needed to terminate. There was no way she could have the baby and expect to fight the disease.” Ashlyn continues to watch the water. “She refused no matter how much my Dad and family pleaded with her. She said she was going to die from it anyway and she wouldn’t give me up over a few more years. She and my Dad had struggled to have another baby after my brother was born…took them like four years to get pregnant with me and she thought I was a miracle.”

“She was right about that.” Ali says with genuine warmth, watching Ashlyn glance sideways at her with a little smile briefly playing at her lips. “Is that why you like _Gleason_?” She asks, remembering the documentary Ashlyn described to her.

“Yeah. It helps me understand what she went through… for me.” Ashlyn replies, her voice trailing off into an almost whisper before she speaks more clearly again. “The pregnancy severely progressed the disease, crippled her really. I was born premature at 32 weeks through an emergency c-section, only about 4lbs. They weren’t sure she would even recover from the delivery, but she did. She died three weeks before my first birthday.”

“I’m so sorry, Ashlyn.” Ali reaches over runs her hand soothingly along the back of Ashlyn’s right shoulder.

“I only know about her from whatever my Grandma told me. My Dad couldn’t bring himself to talk about her much.” Ashlyn continues. “My parents were high school sweethearts. Not all that uncommon in a place like Satellite Beach, but still, they were really close. He was devastated when she died, never quite the same according to my Grandma.”

Ashlyn closes her eyes for just a few seconds, gathering herself as the story really starts now. She hones in on Ali’s hand still running along the back of her shoulder, the touch tender and welcome.

“I was Daddy’s little girl. I was the favorite. That’s how he coped with losing my Mom, he poured all his energy into me. We did everything together.” Ashlyn blows out another soft breath.

“That’s sweet.” Ali smiles at the thought.

“It was in a way… but it also wasn’t at all.” Ashlyn tries to explain. “He was a real asshole to my brother. Mostly ignored him and yelled at him a lot. He was really tough on him.”

“Oh.” Ali frowns.

“I was too young to understand it for a long time. I was happy being the golden child, smug over it even. I couldn’t see the deep struggles my Dad had because I was always bathed in the glow of his good side. My poor brother… he just shouldered so much.” Ashlyn clenches her hands in her lap. “By the time I started to notice it, my brother had had enough. He moved out his freshman year in high school to go live with my Grandma after my Grandpa died. It was for the best really, things seemed better and less tense for a while.” She pauses for a bit to gather herself.

“Hey, you ok?” Ali asks quietly at seeing Ashlyn’s hands clasped tightly together. She’s still looking out onto the water, so it’s hard to read her face.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods. “Just needed a sec. It varies how much I remember and I want to make sure it comes out as best as I can manage it.”

“Just checking. Take your time. Whatever comes out will be just fine, Ash.” Ali gentle squeezes her shoulder before she resumes her light strokes again as the short-haired woman nods again.

“It wasn’t too long after my brother left that I began to notice the little signs that things were off with my Dad. That he fell asleep drinking on the couch most nights. That he never really went out or did anything unless it was with me. He never ate more than half his dinner. He got so easily frustrated and angry with even simple things that weren’t working out…the only time he had patience was with me.” Ashlyn recounts. “I really hadn’t noticed it before my brother left. I guess maybe because he didn’t have my brother as an outlet anymore, maybe he just let those things show more, I don’t know.” She shrugs, taking another few seconds to think.

“My eleventh birthday, that was the start of the changes.” Ashlyn closes her eyes. “We had huge party with my family and friends. I remember it being a great day, that it was fun. What I remember most though was that my Dad drank a lot that day. I found him sitting on the couch with a beer when everyone had left. He called me over and patted the space next to him. I sat down and I remember he sort of held my cheek in his hand. His eyes were just vacant, like empty and weird.” She blows out a long puff of air.

“He kind of searched my face for a minute and then leaned in to kiss my forehead, and he said ‘You look so much like her now. You look just like your mom, more like her every day.’ And it’s funny because it made me happy that he said that, made me feel like there was a part of my mother in me somewhere. I thought he was going to say more, but he didn’t. He just said ‘happy birthday, honey’ and hugged me.” Ashlyn opens her eyes to look out at the water again.

Ali feels her stomach churning. The moment Ashlyn just described seems so sweet, and yet, menacing. She knows the woman’s story doesn’t go anywhere good… that this moment she just detailed is so poignant to it all makes her skin crawl at what could be behind it. She scoots a bit closer, letting her hand run across the length of both of Ashlyn’s shoulders now.

“He was different after that. Subtle at first. He slowly spent less time with me, more time to himself, more drinking.” Ashlyn says flatly. “Eventually we didn’t do much together or even talk much to each other unless he was yelling at me for something. He got really harsh with me, picking on the littlest things and just mean. A lot like he was with my brother.”

“Did you tell anyone?” Ali asks softly.

“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I just thought he was upset or having a tough time, that maybe I needed to try harder not to upset him. And it was just words at first, nothing I couldn’t handle.” Ashlyn briefly looks down at her lap before looking up again. “Eventually he got physically rough with me. Nothing really hurtful or that I couldn’t handle. Just yanking my arm or grabbing my shoulders too tight when he was mad. Again, I never thought it was worth saying anything. It just kind of built up though. Got worse and worse… from tiny bruises when he held my wrist too tight to eventually large ones when he’d give me a good whack. To be clear, it was physical, but never sexual.” She clarifies after seeing Ali’s lip twitch. “It never dawned on me to do anything but hide it and try to do better, maybe like it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Ali can’t hold in the words leaving her mouth, anger starting to boil up inside despite the tiny bit of relief at Ashlyn’s clarification. She tries to stay mindful of tampering it down, never quite experiencing this level of inner outrage with a client telling her about their history.

“I know that now. I really do.” Ashlyn looks over at her with a tight smile and reaches over to lightly pat the brunette’s leg appreciatively before clenching her hands in her lap again.

“So all of this happened within that year, it got bad that fast.” Ashlyn puts it into perspective before just letting the rest out. “It was a couple weeks before my 12th birthday. School had started a few weeks before and I was in 6th grade. I came home from softball practice and heated up some dinner that my grandmother had made and left in our fridge. My Dad came home and he had clearly been drinking. I could smell it on him. We had dinner, he didn’t say much and ate very little as usual. Then I did the dishes.” Ashlyn pauses and swallows hard, closing her eyes again.

“My hands were slippery with dish soap, I dropped a mug in the sink and it broke. It was my mom’s favorite mug. I had no idea though, just knew that my Dad used it for coffee a lot.” Ashlyn takes a couple breaths. “He came in at the sound, he yelled something I can’t even remember and then he saw the mug. I didn’t even have time to understand what was happening. He clocked me so hard in the face that it knocked me out cold.”

“Fuck, Ashlyn.” Ali scoots over a little closer and just wraps her arm around the woman’s shoulders.

“I…I don’t remember much, pretty sure I was passed out for most of it.” Ashlyn’s voice gets lower. “I woke up at one point. I remember realizing I was in our garage. My hands were stuck and I couldn’t move them. And my back hurt badly, the pain was blinding…like searing hot almost…felt like something kept knocking me forward. I couldn’t process what was happening to me. I could just hear him yelling “you killed her” over and over again. That’s all I can remember, don’t even know how long I was awake before I blacked out again. Doesn’t seem like it was long in my memory, maybe a few seconds. When I eventually woke up, I was in the hospital.”

“Ash…” Ali barely gets out in a squeaky whisper, glad that Ashlyn just keeps talking because she is unable to say anything at the moment.

“My neighbor saw my Dad yelling to himself and getting in his truck that night with a bottle of liquor and called the cops. They pulled him over not too far away and he just broke down and told them everything. They found me in the garage, hands duct taped to a huge tool chest, passed out and bleeding everywhere. My back…” Ashlyn blows out a long breath, her eyes still closed. “He took an old piece of barbed wire to it, whipped me with it over and over again. I was all torn up. My cheek was broken, a couple ribs too. I spent almost 3 months in the hospital before they got the wounds under control, some were really deep and the barb wire had been partially rusty. I had some infection problems.” She opens her eyes, but keeps them on the water, moving to stretch her neck a bit before continuing.

“The state took me away and I lived in an institution for a while. My grandmother won custody back about 8 months later and I lived with her and my brother after that.” Ashlyn explains. “She and my brother were destroyed over it. My brother especially, he blamed himself for leaving me with my Dad. He and I got really close at that point, always promised we’d look out and protect each other above all else. I actually got my first tattoo when I was 14.”

“Really?” Ali asks with wide eyes.

“Yep. A friend my brother knew was an artist. Totally illegal, but we were kinda wild in Satellite Beach.” Ashlyn smiles. “My brother and I got a matching tattoos. His name over my heart, my name over his.”

“I remember seeing that on you.” Ali nods. Ashlyn seems to be rambling a bit now, so she works hard to follow along.

“My Dad got 40 years.” Ashlyn reveals almost abruptly. “Child abuse is considered fucked up even amongst the most violent murderers in prison. He only made it about 6 months before another prisoner slit his neck with a shank made from a pen and killed him.”

Ali pulls Ashlyn in a bit with the arm she has around the woman’s shoulders. “Can I ask… well, how did you feel about it?”

“That might be the most therapist question you’ve thrown at me.” Ashlyn can’t help but smirk.

“You were pre-warned that I’m a therapist outside of this surrogate gig.” Ali smiles back.

“Actually…no one has ever ask me that.” Ashlyn says.

“Really?” Ali replies in surprise. “You don’t have to answer.”

“Really, and I don’t mind answering. I guess people have always just assumed that I was glad about it after what happened.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“And were you… glad?” Ali prompts.

“No. I was sad. Really, really sad. As fucked up as that is. Sad for the relationship I once had with him, that we didn’t get him the help he needed, for how it all happened. I hurt over losing him maybe even more than the physical pain he caused.” Ashlyn says truthfully. “And I was relieved too…relieved that there would never be a moment that I’d have to face him again.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine.” Ali says softly.

“The next couple years were just… hell I guess. Recovering physically and mentally. Trying to move on and find peace in a place with too many memories and where everyone knew what had happened. I never knew if people were true friends and doing things to help me genuinely or because they just felt bad for me. It was a small place, a place where that look of pity followed me at every corner and people talked like I couldn’t hear them.” Ashlyn’s jaw tightens a bit again. “I couldn’t wait to get out.”

“So, Stanford then.” Ali says knowingly.

“Yep.” Ashlyn nods. “The computer science thing was my ticket. I wanted out, but I didn’t want people’s help because of not ever knowing what their motives were. I was good at computers and it was something no one was really into or doing there. Something I knew I could do all by myself, find my own way out. So, that’s what I did.”

“You’re amazing.” Ali says warmly, some combination of being in awe of Ashlyn and also just flat out aching for her. “You said you and your brother got close, but earlier you said you don’t talk much now.” She presses a bit, trying to figure out the bigger picture.

“I guess we’re still close. It’s just…hard, impossible, something like that.” Ashlyn replies vaguely. “He never really forgave himself I think. That shit town we grew up in and him just being so hard on himself, our crappy circumstances…it was too much for him. He got into stupid shit trying to find some easy way to live. Got caught up working for some local drug dealers at first, then eventually some big cartel drug dealers. He got busted my sophomore year at Stanford. The drug cartel he was working for… the drugs were just a fucking cover. They were human trafficking, my brother had no idea what he was doing. No idea it wasn’t just drugs. The feds didn’t give a shit what he knew about.” Ashlyn explains sullenly. “Idiot.” She shakes her head. “He got 33 years in federal prison, no parole or early release. He’s still serving now.”

“My god, I’m really sorry.” Ali whispers in almost disbelief. _How much worse can this get?_

“We talked and wrote to each other a lot at first, but he really couldn’t handle it after a while. Said it was fucking with his head in there. Like he wants to know how I am, but he can’t handle much more.” Ashlyn explains. “So, I write a few times a year now and I keep his prison account full so he has what he needs. And we have a standing phone call date on the first of every month at noon. I let him call me if he wants to. I never know if he will or not, always kind of surprises me when he does. It has been just shy of a year now since the last time he called.”

Ali pulls Ashlyn in a bit further so that the short-haired woman’s shoulder is almost tucked under her own, not sure what else to do in this moment. She’s hesitant to ask another question, but she needs to understand how deep this very dark well goes. “I feel like I should stop asking questions, but… so you never went back to Florida?”

“It’s ok, this is good for me I think. It’s honestly been a very long time since I got into this with someone. I feel like it’s important for this process.” Ashlyn replies before answering the question. “I went back 5 years ago, when my Grandma died. I ended up staying a while. Huge mistake.” Ashlyn turns her body slightly to find Ali’s eyes. “I think maybe it’s best to stop there for today. That’s a whole other thing that gets into how I ended up in NYC. More of a mess than we can properly get into today.”

“Ok.” Ali nods and gives her a little squeeze.

“Story for next time, promise.” Ashlyn says.

“Next time or any time. Or not at all if that’s better, really.” Ali reminds her gently.

“Next time.” Ashlyn replies resolutely.

“Can I say something?” Ali asks.

“Of course.” Ashlyn nods.

“I am so sorry for what you went through. No one should ever have to endure that, especially not a child at the hands of their own parent. It’s unfathomable.” Ali finds sweet hazel eyes. “But to come out of that…to be good hearted like you are… you’re remarkable, and so strong. What I said before about admiring you, I mean that even more now than you can imagine.”

“I’m not that strong or even remarkable.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“No, you are. You really are.” Ali insists staunchly. “I paid my dues for a bit as a social worker at child protective services. You spend a lot of time working with kids from circumstances similar to yours. Trust me, Ashlyn… not many come out of it well, or even at all. Some are in situations nowhere near as dire as yours, and still, they’re not okay. And I don’t say ‘okay’ in a trivial sense.” Ali rambles in an effort to get her thoughts out. “No one can really be okay after something like that, but you’re focused, and dedicated, and caring, and kind, and good. You’re strong, remarkable, admirable, and like a million other things I can’t find words for. I mean that. Thank you for opening up to me the way you did just now, for trusting me. And you can, you can trust me.”

“I know I can.” Ashlyn reaches for the brunette’s hand, something really emotional settling inside her at the fact that Ali didn’t add her financial success to that list. People always do that, believe if you’re wealthy that you must be fine. _She doesn’t assume, she’s different_. “Thank you. For listening. For not judging. And above all else, for looking at me like that…” Ashlyn motions to Ali’s face. “No pity.”

Ali just smiles and squeezes Ashlyn’s hand back, the two of them looking back out over the water. There’s a few comfortably quiet minutes before Ashlyn’s voice cuts through the silence.

“Can I ask you a question now?” Ashlyn requests, ready to take the focus off herself.

“Definitely.” Ali nods.

“I’ll sort of pose your own back at you. How come you never left NYC other than for Harvard?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

Ali’s eyes rake over the skyline in front of them, her mind working to decide how she wants to answer. Sharing her past is always part of connecting with a client, but it’s always a very simple explanation that she gives. Nothing too deep or detailed, which usually matches what her clients reveal to her. She’s listened to plenty of trauma histories, but most people only share the basics… just enough to understand how they got to where they are. In that sense, it’s easy to reciprocate in building a connection. Today it doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like simple or vague is good enough.

“Did I ask something I shouldn’t have?” Ashlyn asks nervously when Ali doesn’t respond for a while and just continues looking straight ahead.

Ali’s gaze falls on the Freedom Tower just behind the Brooklyn Bridge, her eyes traveling the length of the spire at the top. She’s not sure if it’s the emotional depth of what Ashlyn just revealed about herself, the woman’s openness and trust in her, or if it’s just being asked this question right here in this spot. But something inside begs to be released. She hesitates just a second more to open the door inside, but it feels like there’s no stopping it right now.

“Because it’s the only place where I can chase ghosts. And as haunting as the ghosts are, believe it or not, they are less haunting than the idea of not being able to chase them.” Ali finally speaks, her eyes still on the tower.

Ali’s face, her almost hollow sounding voice right now, it throws Ashlyn off a bit at not having anticipated it. “I…uh… that was an eerily beautiful statement. I don’t know what it means, but I want to, if you’ll tell me.”

Ali turns her head to lock onto hazel eyes again, finding them warm, kind, curious. Part of her tries again to close the door that is bursting open inside, but she doesn’t stand a chance against those eyes. Eyes that so sincerely beg to understand her, as if they already see her and just need better focus. “Do you really want to know?” Ali checks again, her face and voice insinuating that what comes next is weighty.

“Yes, I really truly do. I want to know you, good or bad. Whatever it is, I want to know you, Alex.” Ashlyn pulls their entwined hands into her lap and puts her other hand over them.

“Ok.” Ali finds herself giving in way too easily.

\-------

“You know what I don’t like about this city?” Ali says as her eyes continue to roam the expanse of the horizon behind the Brooklyn Bridge.

“What’s that?” Ashlyn asks curiously, not sure what to make of statement.

“That it changes so fast.” Ali tells her matter-of-factly. “The skyline is never the same, always new buildings constructed and old ones gone. But if I try hard enough, I can still see what used to be there and remember what I used to be thinking every time I looked at that skyline as a kid.” Ali gives herself a second before finally releasing it. “I can still see those two impossibly tall towers, taller than anything else on the skyline by far, and the same thought will come rushing back to my mind… ‘I wonder if Daddy can see me all the way down here?’.”

“Oh Alex…no.” Ashlyn’s heart drops into her stomach and she feels like wants to throw up. For the few years she’s been in NYC, she hasn’t met anyone who was this directly affected by September 11th, or at least they haven’t told her about it. She can still remember feeling so scared all the way in Florida that day and being so sad over it. It was one of only things that made her hesitant to buy her penthouse… that Ground Zero was just a few blocks away. She holds Ali’s hand tightly in her own, still in disbelief and wanting to be hopeful that the brunette’s father didn’t die, but she knows better.

“Unfortunately, yes.” Ali whispers softly and swallows hard a few times to let the lump in her throat clear. She usually just tells her clients that she lost her parents in accidents and leaves it at that. Only a few have asked what kind of accidents, to which she has replied a building fire and a car accident. But now that she’s cracked opened that locked door with Ashlyn, she knows it’s wide open. She doesn’t know how to talk about this halfway, so she tries to just sort out the rush of details assaulting her mind right now.”

“I was 16, had just started my junior year at Stuyvesant High School…not all that far from the towers. Do you know it?” Ali asks, eyes still on the skyline.

“Yeah, I know where it is.” Ashlyn nods, having walked by it a ton of times now.

“We were still in morning homeroom when the announcement came over the loudspeaker that a small plane had hit the trade center. They told us to stay in our classrooms. Of course, no one listened. So many of our parents worked there. We all went rushing to the library to look. It was the North Tower, you could see the smoke coming from it. And in that moment, I felt relieved. Relieved because my Dad worked on the 97th floor of the South Tower.” Ali’s releases the flood of details. “He worked for the Fiduciary Trust Company as an investment manager.”

“Alex, you don’t have to…” Ashlyn almost can’t handle Ali’s raspy sounding voice.

Ali just retightens her grip on Ashlyn’s hand and keeps going. “I watched it. I watched that second plane hit the South Tower and it felt like the air went out of my lungs. My eyes stung, I felt lightheaded. I can’t even remember what was going on around me even though the room was crowded. I just remember not being able to take my eyes off of it and then eventually getting kind of pushed along out of the library. The announcement over the loudspeaker was to go back to homeroom because we were evacuating.”

“Hey, take a minute.” Ashlyn implores the brunette when her breathing seems to get slightly faster.

Ali nods and takes a few seconds to collect herself. “We were out of the building pretty fast. Our homeroom teachers were supposed to guide us to a secured place a few blocks away. We got maybe a block before there was this horrible rumble, felt like an earthquake. We were all looking around in a panic when this massive cloud of smoke came rushing towards us. Our homeroom teacher just shouted for us to run and we all just scrambled. I was almost frozen in place, and then I felt my hand get yanked. It was my brother, he was a senior at the same school. He just yelled ‘come on!’ and we ran as fast as we could.”

Ali pauses for another couple seconds at the most vivid memory she has of that day. She can still feel her lungs burning from the smoke and dust. “It didn’t matter how fast we ran, that huge cloud just engulfed us like this massive dust storm. I could barely breathe, felt like tiny rocks were hitting my face. We just had to stop and tuck into a ball for a bit until the worst of it cleared. We were covered in dust, all over, just caked on us. People were yelling that the tower collapsed, but we had no idea which one. We just started walking home. We had no idea where else to go. Everything was so heavily coated in dust you couldn’t recognize the streets, people looked like zombies. I can remember us just convincing each other the whole way that our Dad was fine, that he had time to get out after the other tower got hit first. That maybe he wasn’t even at work yet since he often didn’t get there until 9am.”

“But he was there?” Ashlyn states more than asks in a choked voice, not even sure what to say.

Ali nods almost imperceptibly. “We had barely walked in the door when my Mom got home. She just screamed and latched onto us, hugging us so tight. We all just dropped to our knees right there in the entrance hallway and sobbed. She was covered in dust like us. It even took a few minutes before any of us could find a voice to ask each other if any of us had heard from him.” Ali tilts her head back and looks up at the sky. “None of us had. So, we tried to calm each other down… tried to reason the he wasn’t there or got out. None of our phones were working, so it was easy to think he just couldn’t communicate with us.”

Ali feels herself start to tremble just a tiny bit and feels Ashlyn hold her hand more firmly. It gives her enough strength to get out the worst of it. “We were only home an hour when our cellphones started working again, my mom’s chimed. She had a voicemail message from him, from his office.”

“Jesus.” Ashlyn whispers out in horror.

“It was all muffled, and just weird sounds. You could only make out one word from him… love. He said love.” Ali strains to hold back a tear threatening to spill and only continues when she knows it won’t fall. She wants to be able to finish without losing her composure. “That’s when we knew for sure that he had been there. It felt like…I don’t know…a punch to gut. But still, there was this hope. We stayed glued to the news, to our phones, just waiting to get a call or see him come through the door.” Ali lets out a stuttered breath. “He never called. He never came home.”

“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so fucking sorry.” Ashlyn lets go of Ali’s hand and uses her arms to pull her in close, the brunette’s head in the crook of her neck. Her heart hurts just imaging how painful that wait was, only to get the worst news possible in the end.

“The condo I grew up in, it’s the same one I live in now. So, it was nearby too. We considered moving, going to another high school once school re-opened. But we stayed. We watched trucks full of rubble and debris drive by for months on end. It’s like we couldn’t leave him…couldn’t leave until they found him. Being in the middle of it all felt like…I don’t know…like we were involved and in the thick of it, like we would be in the know if they found him. It was comforting in a way.” Ali tries to describe it, trying to gain some calm from the feel of the Ashlyn’s warm skin against the side of her forehead. “They never found him, not a trace. At least that we know of anyway. All we got was a small box of ashes made from the debris left behind, just like every family whose loved ones weren’t found or identified.”

“That’s horrible, not to have closure.” Ashlyn runs her hand up and down Ali’s arm as she keeps holding her close.

“My family used to go on a summer vacation every year.” Ali says in reaction to Ashlyn’s words.

“Ok…” Ashlyn tries to make sense of the seemingly random statement.

“The summer before it happened, my Mom and brother had to use the time to visit colleges for him. So my Dad and I went on a trip together by ourselves for the first time. He took me to Germany for two weeks.” Ali elaborates, a little smile forming at the memory. “It was the best time of my life. I got to know my Dad in ways I never knew him, saw a side of him that was so carefree and fun. He even took me on a beer tour and we got drunk together. It was amazing… just, best time of my life.” She can’t find any other words.

Ali pulls back a bit from Ashlyn’s embrace and finds concerned-but-warm hazel eyes. “My brother and I used the ashes to mix into ink for tattoos. To make whatever we could of him a permanent part of us.” She rolls up her sleeve to reveal her inked script on her forearm.

“Liebe?” Ashlyn asks softly.

“It’s German.” Ali explains, clearing her throat. “It means…love.”

“Love.” Ashlyn repeats, her voice thick. The last thing the woman’s father said in his message. “It’s beautiful.”

“Love.” Ali confirms with a little smile. “That’s how I got some closure. That and we go visit the repository under the Ground Zero museum a lot. It’s where they keep all of the unidentified remains. We’ve met many other families there, we support each other. It’s the closest thing we have.”

“I can’t even imagine.” Ashlyn whispers and shakes her head a bit, still a bit shocked by it all.

“We did the same thing with my Mom’s ashes. After my Dad died the way he did, she wanted to be cremated and not buried alone.” Ali looks down at her lap.

“Your mom?” Ashlyn’s eyes go wide at the sudden information, the fact that Ali earlier said ‘ghosts’ and not ‘ghost’ now making sense. _Not her mom too._

“The summer before my sophomore year at Harvard, she got hit by a car on 7th Ave on her way into her office for a client appointment. The guy ran a red light.” Ali feels Ashlyn take her hand again. “Her brain injuries were too severe and we had to take her off of life support after a couple weeks.”

“Alex…fuck, I’m really sorry. I don’t have words.” Ashlyn says sadly, pulling Ali back into a side hug as best she can.

“You wondered how I ventured into this kind of therapy.” Ali gets around to answering Ashlyn’s question from the prior session. “My Mom was a sex and relationship therapist. A really good one.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Ashlyn thinks back on what the brunette told her in their last session. “You said you had two big life shifts. So, economics like your Dad…until…” She puts it together as Ali finishes the statement for her.

“Until I followed after my Mom.” Ali fills it in. “There’s more to it, but like you said, story for another day.”

“Yeah, of course.” Ashlyn leans her head on top of the brunette’s. “Can I ask something?”

“Sure.” Ali replies easily.

“Is your Mom’s tattoo the one on your side?” Ashlyn questions curiously at having figured it out by process of elimination.

“Yep.” Ali smiles. “It’s sort of for both of my parents in meaning. It’s in German too_. _Man sieht nur mit dem Herzen gut, das Wesentliche ist für die Augen unsichtbar_._ It means that one sees clearly only with the heart, anything essential is invisible to the eyes.” She reveals. “And that’s how I feel now, I feel them with my heart. There is nothing really left of them for my eyes. I just have my heart.”

Ali pulls back just slightly and finds Ashlyn’s eyes again. “That’s why I haven’t really left NYC. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. This is where I feel them, in memories, in emotions. What I have of them is here. So like I said, I chase ghosts, but chasing ghosts is my peace.”

“I understand now.” Ashlyn says really softly. “It’s beautiful. And like you said, haunting. I hurt for you so much. I’m so deeply sorry. And just…I…” She can’t find a way to meaningfully describe the combination of sorrow and respect she feels for the brunette. “How does one shatter like that and even survive what you have?”

“The same way you did, Ash.” Ali leans her head back against Ashlyn’s shoulder. “One day at a time. You heal, you grow, and you find a way. It’s never quite okay, but you have live to the fullest or what’s the point, right?”

“Right.” Ashlyn agrees. “You’re right.”

“There were some really low moments and shitty things.” Ali admits. “My brother and I both had chronic bronchitis for long time from breathing in that dust. It eventually cleared up, but I still have less than optimal lung function. I get a lot of chest colds and I have exercised induced asthma that really sucks. And we keep on top of cancer screening because of the cancer cluster that includes my high school from being exposed to the debris. Always a supremely crappy ongoing reminder of that day.”

“Yeah, I actually read some articles about that, about how people living in the area were impacted.” Ashlyn realizes.

“I really don’t have it as bad as some people, so I’m thankful for that.” Ali replies. “I think my rock bottom was when I became obsessed with trying to figure out where my Dad might have been when he died. Was he trapped in his office, was he in a stairway when the building collapsed, had he gotten out of the building but not far enough away? I started wondering if maybe he jumped. I searched the internet for hours, looking through pictures of people jumping off the buildings. He had worn an orange tie that day. So, I kept searching these grainy pictures of tiny people flying through the air. God, those pictures almost looked fake they were so surreal.” She remembers like it was yesterday, looking at the computer screen until her eyes were so tired they would blur. “I searched hours, hundreds of pictures and videos for an orange tie. I never found one. And I still can’t tell you whether that was good or not.”

“That’s heart breaking.” Ashlyn hugs her tighter. “Completely heart breaking.”

“Pretty much.” Ali nods. “Time heals a lot of things though.”

“It really does. Puts things into perspective if you can hold on long enough.” Ashlyn adds thoughtfully before they both sit there in silence just watching the boats go by for a while as the slowly sun dips down into the skyline.

“We should go, you’re shivering.” Ali breaks the silence and sits up a bit, even she feels a bit cold now.

“How could I not be after that?” Ashlyn replies, her mind still processing all she heard and all she spilled.

“Yeah, today was heavy. Really, really heavy.” Ali says knowingly.

“To say the least.” Ashlyn nods as they get up from the bench. “But you know, I guess I feel lighter too.”

“I know exactly what you mean.” Ali smiles sweetly.

“Good.” Ashlyn smiles back.

“And you probably thought this was just gonna be some easy sex.” Ali jokes with a laugh.

“I’m really starting to understand the title of your book now. _Sex is the Least of It_.” Ashlyn chuckles and shakes her head.

“Damn right!” Ali says plays back, continuing to laugh a bit until she hears Ashlyn’s laugh die down.

“Today meant a lot to me.” Ashlyn gets a little bit closer to the brunette. “And not just that you listened to my story, but that you told me yours. It means more to me than I can tell you. I feel very open to you, comfortable and protected by you…it’s nice.”

“Thank you.” Ali steps just a bit closer now too. “And also, thank you. Today meant a lot to me too. Everything you just said, it goes both ways. I…well… I’ve never told a client all that stuff. I really don’t tell many people all that stuff.”

“Really?” Ashlyn asks with raised eyebrows.

“Really. It doesn’t go much beyond saying that my parents both died in accidents.” Ali divulges, not even sure if it’s a good idea to admit it.

“Why’d you tell me?” Ashlyn asks quietly, trying to make sense of it.

“Other than everything we just said, I feel like I can talk to you. Like I can trust you with…me. Like you genuinely care.” Ali tries to figure out the answer for herself.

“You can and I do.” Ashlyn replies simply with a smile.

“Beyond that, it just felt right and I’m not really one to question that. Today was a go with your gut and heart moment.” Ali adds.

“Absolutely was.” Ashlyn confirms. “You’re a magnificent person, you know that? Everything about you, amazing and just…” She can’t find the words to express what she’s feeling. “Completely wonderful.”

“You don’t know everything about me.” Ali nudges her lightly.

“I hope to.” Ashlyn interjects quickly and gets a little smile from Ali before the brunette keeps talking.

“Well if I’m wonderful, that means you are too.” Ali gives her a meaningful look, the gravity of what they’ve shared today really hitting them both.

“Alright, I suppose I can roll with that.” Ashlyn concedes with a little grin. “Same time and place on Friday?” She suggests, the look exchanged between them making it clear that they have a lot more to talk about.”

“Perfect.” Ali nods and steps in closer when she sees Ashlyn leaning in for a hug. She lets herself melt into a bit, enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped by strong arms for a minute. “Have a goodnight, Ash.” Ali smiles as they pull apart, but they still have hands on each other’s arms.

Ashlyn gets lost in the shining whiskey eyes looking back into her own, that vibrant nose-crinkling smile under them. Ali’s face is perfectly lit by the dim orange glow of the setting sun and her mind goes blank as her heart takes over. She moves in slowly and presses her lips to the brunette’s.

Ali barely has time to process Ashlyn leaning in until the woman’s impossibly soft lips are on her own. It’s a quick peck with soft pressure, the warm lips gone almost as fast as they arrived. But it’s enough to ignite something inside that she knows she’ll feel for days. The now familiar soft, feminine voice fills her ears “Goodnight, Alex.” By the time she opens her eyes, Ashlyn is already making her way down the pier leaving her with only the faintest hint of Carmex lip balm on her lips and a tingle under her skin.

She watches Ashlyn walk, the woman’s stride smooth and seemingly effortless, until she can no longer see her in the rapidly fading light. She glances one more time towards the bridge, at the reliably vacant spaces on the skyline, and smiles at the realization that the ghosts feel just a bit less haunting right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to note that I didn't go with a 9/11 background for the hell of it. If it felt vivid to you reading it, then I feel like I have done my job in telling a real 9/11 account of a good friend of mine from college. With her permission, I changed a few details to fit this story, leaving most of it as she told it to me. It has haunted me from the second I heard it and I've always wanted to convey that feeling somehow. She often tells her story publicly in advocating for those with PTSD and 9/11 related cancers. So, it may have even seemed familiar. One thing that was not reflected in the version I wrote above was that they actually identified her mother about 5yrs ago using updated DNA testing techniques, and she has found a lot of peace in that. She's amazing, I'm proud of her, and I hope you can appreciate her story in some way.


	8. The L Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you've already seen, sometimes you're gonna get a chapter outside of therapy sessions so you can see what is going on for Ash and Ali as they discuss things with the people closest to them. It's also a really fun way to get to know these other characters. We'll dive right into another big session with these ladies next week!  
Enjoy the end of the week and tell me which of these other characters you're liking so far :-)

The L Word

“Hey there Dreamboat, twerp is waiting at your usual table.” The wavy, brown-haired bartender calls out to Ashlyn as she walks in the door, her head motioning to the corner where Megan is already sitting with a drink.

“Am I ever gonna live that down?” Ashlyn rolls her eyes playfully.

Most Wednesday nights she meets up with Whitney, Megan, and Crystal at Nancy’s Whiskey Pub. It’s a dive bar just a few blocks from her place where the décor is simple, the food is good, and the drinks are strong. They’ve been going there for a couple years now and are well-known by the staff who are friendly, but also discrete, not something that happens often when people realize who you are.

Sue had been hired as the new bartender three months ago, and during her first week had watched a very tipsy woman come on to Ashlyn really strong on one of the few nights she had ventured there alone and sat at the bar. The ‘Dreamboat’ moniker has been a source of teasing ever since.

“Never. Come on, you know I rescued you by cutting her booze off for the night and making her embarrassed enough to leave. Otherwise she would have had a hand down your pants in no time!” Sue laughs and shakes her head.

“Fair enough.” Ashlyn chuckles, remembering how persistent the college-aged blonde woman had been that night even though she repeatedly told her she wasn’t available. “So, when are you going to stop pretending that you don’t like the twerp and ask her on a date?” She eyes Sue knowingly. The bartender and Megan have flirted for weeks, trading playful barbs at each other like middle-school tweens in denial.

“Ha, please honey. I don’t chase. Besides, pretty sure you big-city big-shots don’t play house with small town girls like me.” The bartender replies with slightly raised eyebrows as she tips a beer glass under the tap.

“You’ve watched too many movies.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Besides, I thought small town girls who came to the big city were all about taking chances.” She challenges.

“You’ve watched too many movies, Dreamboat.” Sue gives it right back to her, shutting down the conversation as usual. “You hungry tonight? She already ordered.” She tilts her head towards Megan again.

“Yes ma’am, starved actually.” Ashlyn replies even as her stomach grumbles at the realization that she got so caught up trying to finish up some work on another security patch that she skipped lunch.

“Chicken parm hero with a side of onion rings coming right up. Usual Johnny Walker Blue on the rocks with a club soda and lime on the side?” Sue pulls the typical order from memory.

“Yeah, you’re the best.” Ashlyn smiles widely, always feeling at home here.

“Anything for you, Dreamboat.” Sue can’t help but tease. “Don’t keep the twerp waiting, she needs constant supervision. I’ll be over soon with your food.”

“You aren’t kidding.” Ashlyn laughs and makes her way over to Megan. “Look at you, early for once!”

“Buuutch!” Megan gets right up and hugs her. “Yeah and I sat my ass here for 20 min looking like a stag loser and totally bored, never again. I’ll leave the early bird shit to the uptight CTO.”

“Speaking of, where is she?” Ashlyn asks, surprised Whitney’s not there yet.

“Last minute date plans with the boy wonder.” Megan replies. “Third date.” She waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

“Good for her, she deserves to be with someone who treats her like gold.” Ashlyn smiles.

Whitney had met an urban winemaker named Ryan at a wine tasting event a couple months ago. He was tall and ruggedly handsome, down to earth, and had a unique job. Nothing like the pretentious business types that Whitney usually found herself dating and dumping in no time. What had won Ashlyn over was that the guy had taken the time to text and go out on platonic coffee dates for about a month to get to know Whitney before he asked her out on an official date. She had actually started worrying that Ryan was gonna hedge and never really ask her out, but he had come through and so far seems to be everything he appears.

“Definitely.” Megan agrees. “Heck, I’d settle for someone who treated me like bronze.” She cackles at her own joke. “Or just one that isn’t a complete head case and has a nice rack.” She adds with a smirk.

“Right on cue. When are you going to stop fucking around and ask out Sue?” Ashlyn shoots her a look.

“Ask out hayseed?” Megan raises an eyebrow. “You already have a few drinks before you got here?”

“Oh come on! You two flirt and eye fuck each other so much that I feel like I need protection just watching you. You’re both just too damn cocky to admit you like each other. Bite the fucking bullet already.” Ashlyn says a bit impatiently.

“Dude, she calls me twerp.” Megan counters. “And she’s one of those small towners that thinks I’m some ostentatious city bitch.”

“And you call her hayseed. Like I said, flirting!” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Only you two flirt like a couple of pre-pubescent morons who pretend you don’t like each other when you obviously do. Grow up already, Pinoe, before you blow it. Besides, she only thinks you’re some big city fuckwad because you haven’t asked her out!”

“What crawled up your asshole?” Megan sticks her tongue out. “Aren’t you supposed to be all glowing and mushy now that you’re getting laid?” She changes the subject just as one of the waitresses brings over Ashlyn’s drink and club soda.

“Laid?” Ashlyn asks in confusion as soon as the waitress leaves.

“What, is Dr. Sex not properly stoking your fire?” Megan smirks.

“Oh, that.” Ashlyn realizes and takes a sip of her whiskey, letting the strong, smooth flavor roll over her tongue.

“Yeah, that.” Megan waits expectantly for an update.

“We’re only 3 sessions in, so we’re just talking.” Ashlyn says noncommittally.

“About?” Megan prompts.

“I told her about my parents, my brother, life growing up… the whole deal about what happened to my back.” Ashlyn finally divulges.

“Woah, so you really got into?” Megan questions, knowing Ashlyn usually gives as little detail as possible even when she does tell someone.

“Yeah, maybe more than I’ve ever gotten into it with someone new. Like I gave her the details as best I could, but also how I was feeling about it at different points. We got pretty deep.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“How did that feel?” The short-haired blonde keeps digging.

“You my therapist now?” Ashlyn shoots her a playful look.

“I am if it means a good fuck. I could heal you!” Megan waggles her eyebrows again even as Ashlyn cringes. “I mean, from what I’ve heard, you’re a good lay. Would be kinda wrong cause you’re like my sister, but you have a nice body. So I could just close my eyes and pretend you’re someone else.” She mock considers it.

“You’re so fucking vile.” Ashlyn shakes her head, but can’t help but laugh a bit.

“I try.” Megan says pleased with herself. “Just answer the question.”

“Well, it felt pretty heavy talking about it, but then also really comfortable. By the end, I felt really good if that makes sense. She makes me feel really understood and protected. I just really trust her, you know?” Ashlyn tries to explain it. “It’s weird for not knowing her that long I guess. I can’t describe it other than things just fall into place with her.”

Megan opts to just nod and sip her beer because it looks like Ashlyn has more to say.

“She opened up about her past too, about her parents.” Ashlyn reveals. “I guess she doesn’t get into it very much with clients, but she did with me for some reason. Turns out she comes from a really dark place too… a different dark, but still really awful. Completely fucking heartbreaking actually.” She says vaguely. “I guess maybe we just understand each other. Like there’s a trust between us in knowing what it’s like to try and make it from tough circumstances.”

“I’m proud of you, Ash.” Megan says seriously. She knows the energy it takes for her best friend to be so open about her struggles, to be open to something and someone completely unknown.

“Thanks, Pinoe.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Really though, give me the diiirt!” Megan eyes her knowingly.

Ashlyn chuckles softly and shrugs, knowing exactly what she’s getting at. Her friends know her way too well, so she just gives in. “I’m toast.”

“Clearly. Are we talking like golden toast or burnt to a crisp?” Megan cocks her head to the side with a shit eating grin.

“Burnt to a crisp.” Ashlyn confesses shyly. “I kissed her again. Just a little quick one. But like, mind and body on fire. Took everything in me to leave it at that and walk away. As if I didn’t know before, it’s official.”

“Come on, you can say it, butchie. It’s all over your face anyway.” Megan eggs her on.

“I’m in love. Happy?” Ashlyn throws her hands up a bit.

“There it is!” Megan exclaims in satisfaction. “Well, that thickens the sex stew now doesn’t it?”

“To say the least.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Sooo, how does that work?” Megan muses out loud. “At least you can bet the sex is gonna be hella good.”

“Fuck if I know. I talked to Nancy about it, apparently this is normal. The truth is that the more I connect with her, the more I can let myself go and the better chance I have at getting myself sorted out.” Ashlyn tries to make sense of it. “Think we can safely acknowledge that the end is gonna be kind of a shit show, but if I worry about that, then I’m done before I even start. I just have to take it one session at a time and let myself feel what I feel.”

“Dang, this crap is fucking complicated and thorny. Should’ve just gone with an escort.” Megan adds some levity.

“Probably.” Ashlyn jokingly nods in agreement.

“Are you close to hooking up with her?” Megan throws out unceremoniously.

“Seriously? We have the conversation we just had and you go with ‘hooking up’?! You really are a twelve-year-old boy.” Ashlyn looks at her incredulously.

“Just keeping it fun!” Megan retorts.

“Annnyway.” Ashlyn ignores her. “I’m letting her guide that part like I’m supposed to, but I don’t think we’re near there yet. Still have important things to talk about. I think next session I’m gonna get into the whole Sloane thing…timing seems right. And definitely something I need to explain before anything majorly physical happens.”

“Ah yes, she who shall not be named.” Megan scrunches her face in disgust.

“She’s not Voldemort.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“Butch, trust me, she’s Voldemort.” Megan quips back. “Actually, fuck, I’d choose Voldemort over her.”

“I appreciate your loyalty.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Please, I’m your Elder Wand.” Megan waves her hand dramatically.

“You’re certainly twiggy enough.” Ashlyn teases with a loud laugh.

“Fuck you.” Megan flips her off before getting serious again. “So, the Sloane thing. How deep are you gonna get into that?”

“I dunno, as far as I can manage to get out I guess. Just do my best in the moment, like I did with talking about my parents and stuff.” Ashlyn replies loosely.

Megan nods, taking a second before really pushing her friend. “Are you going to tell her how it ended? I mean, how it _really_ ended?” She asks carefully, knowing damn well that only she, Whitney, and Nancy know about it, and only because they have been there in the very rare moments when Ashlyn has completely broken down over it.

“Uh…I…um…” Ashlyn sips her drink nervously, trying to come up with an answer.

“Ash…” Megan pushes.

“I don’t know if I can.” Ashlyn admits quietly, the thought unsettling her stomach. She takes another long sip of her drink.

“I really think you need to, buddy.” Megan says softly. “I know it’s really damn hard for you, impossibly hard… but honestly, I really think it’s key for you. I mean, you say you really trust her. So trust her. Let her really understand so she can help.”

“I guess.” Ashlyn says indifferently.

“Ok, how about we make a deal?” Megan tries a different angle.

“Deal?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Yep. You commit to telling Dr. Sex about what happened, you just have to try your best. And I’ll…” Megan pauses for a second and blows out a breath. “I’ll ask out Sue.”

Ashlyn almost spits her drink out. As confident as Megan pretends to be, she avoids asking women out like the plague. In fact, Ashlyn’s not sure Megan has ever gone on a date where the woman didn’t ask her out first. “You’re serious?”

“As serious as a lesbian in Home Depot.” Megan crosses her heart.

“Alright, my terms.” Ashlyn tests her commitment.

“Let’s hear it.” Megan sits back a bit and sips her beer.

“You ask her out_ tonight_.” Ashlyn says smugly.

“Tonight?!” Megan’s jaw drops open. She fidgets for a few seconds as she thinks it over. “Ok, tonight.”

“For real?” Ashlyn questions in disbelief.

“Yeah. It means that much to me that you take care of yourself.” Megan says thoughtfully. “You take a chance and I will too.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn reaches over and squeezes Megan’s forearm sweetly, swallowing down the emotion she feels at the candid statement. “Deal.”

“Settled.” Megan breaks out into a grin.

“Good, cause here Sue comes with our food.” Ashlyn sits back with a smug grin on her face.

“Shit. Fuck.” Megan scrambles to compose herself and quickly straightens her shirt even as Ashlyn snickers.

“Ok, chicken parm hero and onion rings for the Dreamboat.” Sue waltzes over and places Ashlyn’s plate down first. “Veggie burger and zucchini fries for the twerp, no wonder you weight like 20lbs.” Sue teases with a wink as she puts down Megan’s plate.

“25lbs when I’m soaking wet.” Megan smiles widely at her own comeback.

“Oh, and when is that?” Sue smirks.

“Dirty, dirty mind.” Megan shakes her head with a laugh.

“You asked for it.” Ashlyn chimes in.

“Alright, looks like you both need fresh drinks. Beer and another whiskey on the rocks coming right up. Can I get you ladies anything else?” Sue asks.

“I’m good.” Ashlyn replies quickly, watching Megan nervously play with the corner of her napkin. “What about you, Pinoe… you need anything?” She shoots the short-haired blonde a look.

Megan stays quiet for a second, only speaking up as the bartender is about to walk away. “Hey uh, hayse…um, Sue.” She gets the woman’s attention and tries to recover from her shakiness. “I was thinking. We have a good time busting each other’s chops, so uh, maybe I can call you sometime and we can put some solid time into it over like a dinner or something and see who comes out on top?” She tries her best to be confident.

“I do like being on top.” Sue puts a hand on her hip, her expression one of amusement. “You asking for my number, twerp?”

“I might be.” Megan replies coolly as Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“Interesting.” Sue smirks. “You big-shot city girls don’t have to keep track of your finances all that carefully, huh? You’re such a big deal that your measly little bar receipts don’t warrant a second look.”

Megan deflates a bit at her response, trying to follow what the woman is saying. “Uh, I…I’m a financial officer, of course I keep track. Just on my statement…I uh… don’t like receipts?” She fumbles to respond with something.

“Hmmm, too bad.” Sue shrugs. “Tell you what, big city twerp financial officer, figure it out and call me when you stop being so oblivious.” She winks and walks away with her hips swaying.

“What the fuck?” Megan sits there in shock, ignoring Ashlyn laughing heartily. It takes her few seconds of looking dumbfounded before she sits up with wide eyes and grabs her small hip purse, quickly rifling through it. She pulls out the stack of receipts that have accumulated over the last month as she keeps shoving them in there. “Fuck…fuck…fuck…” The expletives leave her mouth after every receipt she finds from Nancy’s Whiskey Pub, all of them featuring the same loopy writing at the bottom: _917-531-3707 –Hayseed ;-)_

Weeks, she’s had the bartender’s number for at least three weeks. “Oh my fucking god!” Megan belts out and practically dope slaps herself.

“That was fucking golden!” Ashlyn sputters out while she’s bent over laughing.

“I hate you.” She flips Ashlyn off again.

“You love me.” Ashlyn counters.

“Yeah, yep… I fucking love you!” Megan gets up and plants a peck on Ashlyn’s lips.

“Awww, fucking gross, Pinoe!” Ashlyn protests playfully and makes a show of wiping her lips.

“You love me.” The short-haired blonde throws Ashlyn’s line back at her and sits back in her chair. She types out a quick text on her phone as Ashlyn starts eating her food, putting it on the table before she takes a bite of her own burger. It only takes a minute for her phone to chime. She looks at it, smiles, and hands it to Ashlyn.

_Megan: It’s the oblivious twerp, how about dinner tomorrow night at 8pm? _

_Hayseed: Took you long enough. Name the place._

“Nicely done.” Ashlyn praises as she hands her phone back.

“Ok so, I’m gonna call that a homerun for me. Time for you to step up to plate, butchie butch.” Megan smiles widely.

“Yeah, yeah. Ok.” Ashlyn groans and makes a face.

“Well this looks fun!” Crystal shows up at the table, not missing the last interaction between the two. “Fill me in, what’d I miss?” She sits down in an empty chair.

“Butch is in love with Dr. Sex!” Pinoe yells out.

“Pinoe asked out Sue, who agreed, but also totally schooled her!” Ashlyn quips back.

“MOTHER FUCKERS!” Crystal throws her hands up. “You bitches couldn’t wait 30 minutes for me to get out of class and facetime with Pierre before all this?!”

“Oooh, Prince Charming Pierre… none of us feel bad for you, minion.” Ashlyn singsongs in jest.

“Truth.” Megan confirms.

“I’m getting a drink and some fries and then you two are going to rewind and give me ALL the details, ok? Ok!” Crystal demands and heads to the bar before either of them can reply.

“Gonna be a long night, we’re gonna need lots of drinks.” Megan suggests.

“Want me to call Sue over?” Ashlyn says cheekily.

“Don’t you dare!” Megan points a finger at her.

“Pussy.” Ashlyn lightly kicks her under the table.

“Takes one to lick one.” Megan sticks her tongue out suggestively.

“Why do I hang out with you?” Ashlyn asks rhetorically.

“Butch, you neeeed me!” Megan sasses.

Ashlyn doesn’t get to reply before Crystal is back at the table and demandingly looking at them. “Start talking…and go!”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Knock, knockers!” Kyle’s voice sounds in the distance as the doorbell rings. Ali sets her mug down and pauses the TV before heading to open the door.

“Did you get the goods?” Ali eyes him as he stands in the doorway.

“Of course I did!” He holds up a brown paper bag in his hand. “Now let me in, bish. It’s chilly and my nipples are harder than diamonds.”

“Nice.” Ali cringes and moves aside to let him in, closing the door and following him into the living room.

“Well now, what do we have here?” Kyle puts down the bag and his coffee cup, his hand going under his chin as he surveys the area. “Hot cocoa and _10 Things I Hate About You_.” He motions to the paused TV screen. “What deep thoughts are we contemplating tonight, queen?”

“Not much, just trying to relax. I like this movie.” Ali plops back down in the corner of the couch.

“Don’t even play, honey. You made me bring peanut butter pie from Bubby’s. There are obviously deep thoughts happening. Well that or one mighty feisty uterus shedding all crazy, but I’m pretty sure that already happened this month.” Kyle pulls a couple slices of pie out of the bag he brought. “Start talking or no peanut-buttery, chocolatey goodness for you.”

“Pie or die.” Ali points a finger at him in warning.

“Eeeep! Down girl!” Kyle jumps back jokingly and hands her the pie slice. “Maybe you are PMSing after all.”

“I am not!” Ali glares at him. “I’ve just had some stuff floating around in my head and I wanted to chill.”

“Level with me beebee, what’s up?” Kyle settles into the oversized chair adjacent to the couch and starts on his own slice of mixed berry pie.

“My last session with that new client was pretty intense, just a lot to take in.” Ali answers superficially, giving in since she already knows he won’t give up that easily.

“Ah yes, the Ruby Rose only hotter.” Kyle smiles.

“Did I say she was hotter than Ruby Rose? Cause I don’t remember saying that.” Ali narrows her eyes at him even though he’s totally right.

“For all intents and purposes you did.” Kyle shoots a smug grin at her. “Anyway, what happened now? Too hot for you to handle?”

“Nothing like that.” Ali cuts off his line of questions. “We’re only 3 sessions in right now, but we got into the family history stuff.” She pauses to think about what she wants to say. “You know how I said I thought it was gonna be rough with all the scars she has?”

“Yeah.” Kyle sits forward a bit.

“It was rough.” Ali says simply. “Awful really, it was a family abuse thing. She didn’t actually say it, but I got the sense that the extent was bad enough that she might have died if someone hadn’t come to help her.”

“Damn.” Kyle whispers softly. “Worst one you’ve heard?”

“Definitely.” Ali doesn’t hesitate. “I’ve obviously heard a lot of rape trauma, some child abuse, and bad relationship stuff. This one just really struck me. I don’t know if I didn’t expect her to get into as deeply as she did or maybe it was the circumstances…or maybe I’m just more invested than I expected. I don’t know. But it hit me harder than normal.” She tries to explain.

“That’s tough, Al. I’m sorry.” Kyle says sympathetically. “I know you really get close with your clients. I could never do what you do, forget the sex part.”

Ali nods and eats a couple of bites of her pie even as her mind keeps running. “I told her about Mom and Dad.” She blurts out when she feels her brother’s eyes on her again.

“Don’t you usually do that?” He looks at her a bit lost.

“I usually tell people that they died in accidents, add that it was a fire and car accident if they ask more details.” Ali reminds him. “Not this time. I told her everything.”

“Everything?” Kyle puts his pie down on the coffee table, still looking confused.

“Everything.” She reiterates. “Watching the plane hit at school, evacuating, the voicemail, that whole damn day from hell and what followed. What it was like to struggle through that and how it feels like a poorly plugged hole even now, hitting rock bottom by searching out jumpers. About Mom and pulling life support, the Germany trip with Dad, our tattoos…all of it.”

“Damn, Alex.” Kyle scratches the back of his head, not sure what to say. They talk about it a lot together, but very few people in their lives get the full rundown. It still aches horribly to talk about it, it’s a lot to succumb to just to satisfy someone’s curiosity. Not many people can understand it enough for it to be worth that level of investment. If she talked about it, he knows it means something really important. Even if he has no idea what that is, it means something. “Can I just…why?” He tries to make sense of it.

“I’m not even sure.” Ali puts down her pie too and pulls her knees into her chest. “She’s this total mystery, but I also feel like I’ve known her my whole life. Forget everything I’ve said about how she looks, it’s so far beyond that. She’s got this genuine curiosity and sense of caring. Like you look at her and you can see that she actually gives a shit and wants to know you. I can’t even say why, she just does. And it’s from such a pure place too.”

“Keep going.” Kyle presses her with intrigue.

“She’s really open with me, really trusting, but I can tell that’s far from a normal thing for her. It makes me want to be that way back. And she’s easy to talk to and be that way with. Even the hard things seem to be spoken with some kind of security between us. It just clicks, I’m not sure how else to say it.” Ali goes on. “Just knowing where she’s come from and how she made herself, and I mean that, she really made herself…it’s mind blowing. I have a deep respect for her.”

“Made herself?” Kyle presses on curiously.

“Let’s just say she’s a big deal.” Ali doesn’t give much away.

“Woah, woah, is she like a celeb?” He sits up enthusiastically.

“Not quite, but sort of. You’d pee yourself if you knew who she was. That’s all you get.” She gives him a look that clearly conveys she’s not going any further than that.

“Holy fuck, Al.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Alright, forget that part. Huge, but forget that part. What else?”

“Well, I mean, that was kind of it so far. We haven’t even gotten into the reason she’s in therapy with me yet, so I can’t imagine what that is going to be like. But obviously, relationship history is on the horizon and I have a sense that whatever we exchange is going to hit the level of the last session, maybe even more.” She elaborates further.

“I bet. You’re usually more open about your past relationships though, right?” He clarifies.

“Yeah, but not to the point of connecting everything with Mom and Dad, you know?” Ali gives him a meaningful look.

“And you think you’ll go there this time?” He probes.

“I don’t see how it doesn’t go there.” Ali says straightforwardly.

“Is that a bad thing?” Kyle keeps up his questioning in an attempt to get to the bottom of what his sister is getting at.

“No, I don’t think so. This is just different. I’ve never been on quite this level with a client. And I’ve heard from other surrogates who have gotten in pretty deep with clients, so I know it happens. We’re human, it’s bound to happen that you feel more strongly for someone at some point. It’s just hasn’t happened to me until now and it’s a lot to navigate.” Ali rambles a bit as twirls a piece of her hair in her fingers.

“Hmmm, define ‘this level’.” Kyle requests.

“Hard to explain, but it’s beyond whatever was there physically. You know how I told you I was really physically attracted to her?” Ali tries to answer his question.

“Yep.” Kyle nods.

“When she kissed me that first time, I really felt something. A ton more than usual, but I easily chalked it up to being physically motivated. I mean, I didn’t know anything about her really.” She describes.

“And now?” He motions for her to keep going.

“Now I know more about her. And she uh…” Ali sighs. “She kissed me again, but not like that first time. Ky, it was this barely-there peck of the lips. Seriously, practically nothing and respectful even. And there was no physical build-up.” She qualifies before just saying it. “And I felt… a lot. A whole fucking lot.”

“A whole lot of what?” Kyle tries to get more, feeling like they’re close to something.

“Something. I don’t know. I’m…confused.” Ali’s tone is a bit frustrated.

“Interesting, thought we were way over that stage.” He waggles his eyebrows, going with a gay joke in an attempt to lift the mood.

“Oh shut-up, Tinkerbell.” Ali balls up her napkin and throws it at him, picking up her slice of pie again and taking a bite.

“Alright really, let’s put on your big girl panties now.” Kyle gets serious again and goes for it. “Flat out, are you falling in love with her?”

“Ha, well that’s a very loaded question for someone whose job it is to analyze everything surrounding that sentiment to death.” Ali says almost mockingly.

“Fair, but still doesn’t answer the question.” He shrugs.

“I might be.” Ali finally commits. “That’s all I got for now.”

“Better than where we started.” He motions to the mug of cocoa and TV screen. “So, whatcha gonna do about it?” He picks up his slice of pie.

“Nothing unethical if that’s what you’re thinking.” Ali shuts him down.

“Unethical is a very fuzzy line in your kind of work, hunny.” Kyle quirks an eyebrow at her.

“Well yeah. I’m here to help her and that has to be my main focus. I also have to roll with and be very careful and conscious of what I feel, but the end goal is the same. It’s my job to make sure we don’t get completely lost in what is bound to be one hell of a jungle. But like I said, I’ve talked to some other surrogates in the past about situations like this. Sometimes you have to get a little lost with someone to help find them, you know what I’m saying?” Ali says with a bit more resolve.

“Yeah, ok. But what about how you feel?” Kyle looks at her pointedly.

“Doesn’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things outside of being honest about it.” Ali replies matter-of-factly.

“It matters, Als. Trust me, it matters.” Kyle shakes his head knowing damn well his sister is not one to fall for people easily or throw caution to the wind. He leaves it at that, the look on her face signaling that she won’t give him more right now.

“Well, here’s to walking that really fuzzy line.” Ali smiles haphazardly and holds up her mug of cocoa.

“Cheers to that.” Kyle smiles back and taps his coffee cup against her mug. “Lucky for you, Dr. Kyle Krieger Love Line is open for therapy sessions at all hours.”

“Right, thanks.” Ali jokingly scoffs at him, forever grateful that he is always there as a sounding board, a really supportive one.

“Ya welcome!” Kyle squeaks in overly cheery voice, before pointing to the TV and relaxing back into the cushioned chair. “Now unpause that shit, cause pre-_Brokeback_ Heath Ledger is sexy in the wrongest way possible and I’m going to shamelessly enjoy it.”

“Not what I had in mind.” Ali groans and hits the play button on the remote.

“Quiet bish, Heath is talking.” Kyle smirks.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Apparently, you’re in love with Krieger and Pinoe has a date with Sue tonight. I go out on a date and the Twilight Zone happens. I need answers immediately.” Whitney plops down in the chair near Ashlyn’s desk, a Stanford coffee mug in her hand.

Ashlyn spins around in her desk chair and takes in Whitney’s more-casual-than-usual appearance. Normally that would be paired with a flustered look, but today her best friend looks super relaxed.

“No way. We rarely ever get to talk about you first and it was the _third date_…” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows with an insinuating smirk. “And you’re late and dressed down, we’re talking about that.”

“Nooo.” Whitney whines with a slight pout.

“Well somehow you know enough about what happened last night to tide you over for a few minutes. So you first.” Ashlyn insists.

“Not my fault, Pinoe yanked me into her office before I could even make it to mine. She said she could smell the sex coming off the elevator.” Whitney rolls her eyes.

“She’s not wrong.” Ashlyn smirks and Whitney makes a face at her.

“Then she made me fill her in before she’d tell me anything else about what I missed last night. So I did, and then she got pulled away by one of the interns before she could tell me.” Whitney huffs. “So, you first.”

“No dice, Watson.” Ashlyn refuses.

“I swear to god, Ashlyn, if you even get pulled away before you tell me.” Whitney points a finger in warning as the short-haired woman chuckles. “I don’t have much to say. We had a great time. He’s still amazing and he uh...makes great wine." Her voice goes up an octave on that last part, her gaze dropping to the floor as her face turns red.

“Wine, riiiight. Like it matters. You have ‘I got properly fucked’ written all over you.” Ashlyn laughs. “Glad you finally tried the wine and that it was such a fine vintage. I just hope he corked it.” She raises an eyebrow.

“Ha! You know I don’t take chances. Can you even imagine telling my parents I was having a baby out of wedlock?” Whitney shoots her a knowing look.

“God no. I wouldn’t want to be in the same state if that conversation was happening!” Ashlyn grimaces. Whitney’s parents aren’t conservative, but they’re definitely traditional about certain things.

“Exactly, so, bottle corked.” Whitney smiles.

“I’m happy for you, Whit. I mean that.” Ashlyn smiles back and gets a nod from her best friend.

“Thank you. Now, onto you.” Whitney demands.

Ashlyn quickly runs down what happened between Megan and Sue before going back to fill Whitney in with more detail on her own situation with Ali. It takes her a while to get it all out, but she doesn’t hold back at all, admitting for the second time now that she thinks she in love.

“I have to say that I agree with Nancy.” Whitney says after thinking it over for a minute.

“Yeah?” Ashlyn says softly.

“Absolutely.” Whitney says confidently. “Your voice, what you’re saying… there’s something to this that I just haven’t seen in you before.”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“I don’t know exactly, like I can’t put my finger on it.” Whitney tries to clarify. “Since I’ve known you, you’ve always been searching for something, Ash. I haven’t ever been sure of what, but something. And I once thought that maybe you had found it. But, as we all know, that turned out to be a giant smokescreen.” She gives Ashlyn a meaningful look.

“To say the least.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“I just think that maybe this is where you really figure it out. Maybe not, but I think it is. I can’t say why, just gut feeling I guess.” Whitney explains. “But yeah, I think you take the risk of falling for the chance to get to the top and find what you’re looking for. Let her in as best as you can, and see where it takes you.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn whispers, feeling better about the whole thing in knowing that her friends support the path forward. Still, she can’t help but ask. “But what if I fall really fucking hard and get myself all busted up?”

“Then you have some really great Band-Aids in your life to help treat those wounds.” Whitney says simply. “Pretty sure you know by now that we have some great healing powers. We come with ointment and everything.” She jokes to keep things lighter. “We got you, Sherlock.”

“I got you too, Watson. Always.” Ashlyn smiles and gets up, going over to wrap Whitney up in a hug. “You really do smell like sex.” She can’t help but tease.

“Asshole.” Whitney pushes her away. “Ugh, I better go call my mom. She knows I had a date last night and I’m sure she’s ready to call the NYPD because I haven’t called yet this morning.”

“Relax, go settle in. You’re good for at least another 30 minutes.” Ashlyn holds up her phone. “She texted me like three times already. I covered for you.”

“Of fucking course!” Whitney throws her hands up and starts walking out the door before poking her back in for a second. “Good looking out, Sherlock. I’ll buy you lunch.”


	9. Rainbow Unicorn (Session 4 - Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to see what relationship skeletons these two lovelies have in their closets ;-) You'll want to make sure you have your pitchforks sharpened for Sloane this week, just sayin!  
I always love to hear your thoughts on the story as we go along, so hit me with those comments! Have a great start to the week!

Session 4 (Part 1) – Rainbow Unicorn

Ali can’t help the smile that forms on her lips when she sees the text come in around noon, quickly typing a reply before turning her attention back to billing tasks.

_Ashlyn: My turn for food today, so don’t bring anything. I’ll show you how I do on-the-go eats. See you soon, Alex._

_Alex Krieger: Stakes are high, Ash. My Walking Frito Pie can’t be beat. Can’t wait to try your attempt though, see you soon. _

“Psssh, you wish.” Ashlyn says out loud as she reads Ali’s reply, pocketing her phone and giving a quick wave to Sonya, the guard currently working the security desk, before heading up to her penthouse.

“Hey Parker.” Ashlyn greets the chef who is working at her kitchen counter, putting lids on containers of food he clearly worked hard on this morning. “Smells so good in here!” She drops a bag of groceries on the first empty spot she finds on the counter.

“Hi Ms. Harris.” Parker smiles at her, his hands still working.

“I’ve told you like a million times just to call me Ashlyn.” She shoots him a look as usual.

“I know, I know. But I’m English and you’re lucky I don’t call you Lady or Madam or something.” He laughs.

“Do that and you’re fired.” Ashlyn plays back.

“You’re home early today, _Ashlyn_.” Parker emphasizes her name with a teasing smile.

“Yeah, I’ve been putting in extra hours lately to get some time-sensitive work done. So, Whitney made me come home early.” Ashlyn says casually. “Plus I have some cooking to do.”

“I could’ve gotten that for you. That’s why I’m here, remember?” Parker motions to the grocery bag.

“I know, but this was a spontaneous ingredient idea. Promise I’m not stealing your food shopping thunder.” Ashlyn replies.

“Sounds to me like you’re trying to impress a lady.” Parker states with a questioning tone.

“Something like that.” Ashlyn smirks.

“Let’s see then.” He finishes snapping the lid on the last container and then walks over to pull the items out of Ashlyn’s grocery bag. “Hmmm, these do not look like ingredients that would impress a lady.” He eyes her skeptically and wrinkles his nose.

“It’ll impress this lady.” Ashlyn says confidently.

“In that case, I like her already.” Parker gives her a thumbs up and starts putting away all the prepped food containers in the fridge.

“Me too.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“I’ll be out of your way soon. I’m leaving in about 10 minutes.” He tells her.

“Take your time, I’m gonna go shower anyway.” Ashlyn starts towards the staircase. “Oh wait, almost forgot!” She goes over to her messenger bag and pulls out a small box, handing it to him. “For Oliver, that’s a limited edition Studebaker.” She says proudly.

“Oh mate, he’s gonna be so amped up!” Parker says excitedly as he looks at the Matchbox car in his hand. His 6-year-old son has a collection of over 300 of these cars, but he prizes each and every one of them, none more than the ones Ashlyn has gotten him. “You spoil the crap out of him. No wonder he keeps telling Nina that he wants tattoos when he grows up. I’m gonna let you explain to her!”

“Awww, I freakin’ love that boy. Give him lots of kisses from me and tell him he has to come visit soon.” Ashlyn grins. “As for your wife, I know nothing about any tattoos.” She shrugs in jest.

“Well thanks a lot.” Parker pretend huffs. “Promise I’ll bring him over when he’s on school break. Really, you’re the best. And you can tell that lady of yours that she’s a bloody idiot if she doesn’t fall head over heels for you.”

“Smooth. I’ll keep that line in mind.” Ashlyn laughs. “Have a great day, Parker.”

“You too, Madam Harris.” He bows dramatically only to get flipped off by Ashlyn as she makes her way up the stairs.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Jesus fuck. Get yourself under control, Krieger. _Ali literally feels her heart race as she gets closer to the same bench on the pier as Tuesday. Ashlyn is sitting there just like before, but even from a slight distance Ali can see that she is really dressed up. She’s wearing the same pea coat as last time, but she has on dark gray slacks and black wingtip dress shoes, her hair looks even more perfectly styled than usual and her make-up is pretty heavy compared to what she has seen the woman wearing so far.

Ashlyn is so focused on the water that Ali is able to stare shamelessly as she walks right up to the bench, able to appreciate the woman’s impeccably highlighted and contoured cheeks, a thin application of eyeliner that could only be perfected by the steadiest of hands. It’s only when she finally plops down on the bench and lets out a squeaky “Hi” that hazel eyes look up to meet her own, a huge dimpled grin aimed in her direction…enough to make her feel a little dizzy. _She could be on the cover of Vogue._

_And she still looks perfect. _Ashlyn grins like an idiot when she sees Ali settle on the bench next to her. The brunette is probably as casual as she gets, no make-up other than mascara, her hair slightly damp and thrown up into a haphazard bun, her outfit just a simple pair of gray sweatpants, a thick Sherpa-lined navy hoodie, and some white running sneakers. “Hi Alex.” Ashlyn’s voice comes out a bit thick as she takes the woman in. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” Ali asks with a curious look on her face.

“Oh uh…” Ashlyn stutters a bit, not quite realizing she voiced the question out loud. “I’ve seen you pretty dressed up, and somewhat middle-of-the-road, and today you’re fully dressed down it seems… and you look stunning every time.” She recovers quickly.

“You are really, really good for my ego, you know that?” Ali smiles, feeling a slight heat rise into her cheeks. “Thank you. I had a yoga class this afternoon and kind of ran out of time, so I just showered there and headed right over. Didn’t get a chance to change into something more appropriate.”

“My statement stands.” Ashlyn replies smoothly and gets another radiant smile.

“Speaking of dressed up, is this how you try to impress me with on-the-go eats?” Ali asks and motions to Ashlyn’s outfit, now noting that she has a black collared shirt and silky gray tie on under her coat. “You look…well honestly, really hot. Like magazine cover hot.” She laughs a bit at her own candidness.

“I have a networking event after this, some new tech companies trying to get us to partner with them on projects. These events are boring and kind of suck, but the food and drinks are always good.” Ashlyn explains.

“I bet.” Ali replies. “Did you do your own make-up?”

“Yeah, I always do.” Ashlyn answers simply.

“In that case, I’m gonna need a whole tutorial on how the hell you contour your cheeks like that. That’s professional level.” Ali compliments.

“We could do that. I just ask that you give me at least 10 sessions to teach you, probably twice a week so we don’t lose any newly acquired make-up skills in between sessions. Oh, and I’m gonna need you to completely strip your face down to bare skin the very first session.” Ashlyn winks.

“Oh she has jokes.” Ali laughs.

“My best quality really.” Ashlyn chuckles back. “And for my second best quality, let’s eat before you realize I’m not that funny.”

“That’s some big talk from a girl who called my Walking Frito Pie ‘fucking amazing’.” Ali challenges using air quotes.

Ashlyn shoots her a playful glare and opens the insulated bag she brought, pulling out two food thermoses, forks, napkins, a couple of fresh dinner rolls, and two bottles of sparkling water. “Bon a petit.”

“You’re adorable.” Ali can’t help but be charmed.

“Why?” Ashlyn asks in slight confusion at the admiring look on the brunette’s face.

“You have food thermoses. It’s really cute and you’re not changing my mind.” Ali says with a smile and watches Ashlyn shrug with a little grin on her face. Ali opens her thermos to find what looks like meatballs in a light brown sauce. “Hmmm.”

“What?” Ashlyn inquires.

“A bit surprised that you’re planning to compete with me using meatballs is all.” Ali says in playful contest.

“Just try it.” Ashlyn counters with a joking eye roll.

Ali skewers a meatball with her fork and takes a bite, her eyes closing at the sweet-but-savory flavor for a couple seconds before opening them to look down in an attempt to make sense of what she just ate. “Woah, I’m tapping out already. I give. You win. Done.”

Ashlyn can’t help but belly laugh, finally taking a bite of one of her own meatballs. “Told you.” She says smugly.

“Did I really just eat a mac and cheese stuffed meatball? And what is this to-die-for sauce?” Ali asks, still surprised by how good this is given the simplicity of it.

“You did.” Ashlyn replies smugly. “As for the sauce, a girl has to have _some_ secrets.”

“We’ll see about that.” Ali narrows her eyes jokingly. “This is incredible. Although, I’m going to need like a week of exercise to work this off.”

“Please, you’re in perfect shape and you just came from yoga.” Ashlyn eyes her skeptically.

“Well not all of us can have a freakin’ One Peleton cycle to rely on in our home gym.” Ali pretend huffs, definitely envious of the woman’s home gym that she saw during their first session.

“Oh, so you’ve been checking out my equipment huh?” Ashlyn plays back with some bravado.

“Pretty sure that was the point of our whole first session.” Ali smiles deviously. “Besides, I’m not the one who tried to take the equipment for a spin after checking it out.”

“Touché.” Ashlyn groans. “Never gonna live that one down, am I?”

“I was kidding, Ash.” Ali says sweetly and lightly taps the short-haired woman’s thigh. “I actually thought our first session was meaningful and exactly what we needed.”

“Me too. Well, after I got over being a total spaz that day.” Ashlyn smiles warmly and shakes her head at herself with a little laugh.

“Are you nervous today? You looked to be in really deep thought when I first got here.” Ali runs with that cue and starts steering them in some kind of direction once the joking dies down.

_She never misses a thing. _“Yes and no. Truthfully, I’m nervous. But you don’t make me nervous…well, not really. Only nervous in a good way sometimes. Like when we’re standing naked in my living room.” Ashlyn smiles and hears a little giggle from the brunette. “I just know that what I want to talk about today is going to be hard. And I really want to be able to tell you all of it, something in particular that I have a really difficult time talking about because it still brings up bad feelings.”

“You just tell me whatever you want to or whatever you can. Today or any day.” Ali reminds her gently. “I’m always on your time, no matter how long it takes.”

“I don’t have enough good words for you. I need to invest in a thesaurus.” Ashlyn smiles sweetly. “As for the deep thoughts, you’d think I was crazy if you knew what I was thinking about when you got here.”

“Try me.” Ali replies with intrigue.

“I was thinking about my favorite movies and peeing.” Ashlyn admits.

“Interesting.” Ali nods her head as she considers it, never in a million years expecting that response.

“See, more than a few screws lose.” The short-haired woman shrugs with a laugh and points to her head.

“Not at all.” Ali says resolutely. “You’re definitely one of those geniuses that thinks on a whole other level than the rest of the world. I’m curious about why you were thinking about that, but I have no doubt that the reason is brilliant.”

“I’m not a genius.” Ashlyn counters with modesty. “I’ll tell you when I run it by Whitney and decide it’s not just some wild idea that I thought up at 3am and think is ground-breaking.”

“Fair. I’ll hold you to that, Stanford.” Ali concedes and works on her last meatball, the two of them eating in comfortable quiet for a couple more minutes.

“Can I start things today by asking you a question that will kind of help me set the tone for what I want to tell you about?” Ashlyn puts her food aside and looks at Ali hopefully.

“You sure can.” Ali nods and then attempts to lighten the mood a little. “Structuring our sessions, feeding me gourmet food… you really are my best client ever.”

“You are really, really good for my ego.” Ashlyn throws the brunette’s line from earlier back at her and earns one of those nose-crinkling smiles she loves so much.

“Whenever you’re ready, take your time.” Ali finishes her food and sets the thermos down.

Ashlyn just nods and takes a couple minutes to silently sip her water and settle her mind.

\-----

“When did you first know you liked women?” Ashlyn suddenly breaks the quiet moment.

“Who said I liked women?” Ali replies with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh fuck. I’m really sorry, Alex.” Ashlyn backtracks in a ramble. “I mean, you only work with women as clients, so I just assumed. Geez, I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“Hey, hey, I’m kidding, Ash.” Ali speaks up before Ashlyn scrambles any more. “You were looking kinda nervous again, so I was just trying to relax you a little by joking.” She reaches over and takes the short-haired woman’s hand in hers, watching the tension in her shoulders notably release.

“Holding my hand would have worked just fine, but thanks for the heart attack, Harvard.” Ashlyn laughs and makes a show of putting her free hand over her heart.

“Still got you smiling.” Ali points out before getting them back on the topic. “Believe it or not, that’s actually a very loaded question.” She says after some consideration.

“Oh, well you don’t have to answer then.” Ashlyn says simply.

“Well I always tells my clients a bit about my relationship history, but I have to admit I’ve never really approached it from this angle. And I’ve told you a lot more about my family than I tell most people, so just bear with me a bit while I explain it in a deeper way that it all comes together.” Ali puts her at ease about her question. “It’s just new territory for me with a client. Not at all bad, good actually, but just new.”

Ashlyn just nods and gives the brunette’s hand a little squeeze. The woman sure has a way of making her feel special and honored, like she’s someone important.

“So, women…” Ali tries to answer the question that she’s often debated in her own head. “I used to watch _Saved by the Bell_ re-runs. Did you ever watch that show?” She asks, knowing Ashlyn is about the same age as she is and there’s a good possibility she’s seen it even if the show’s prime had been when they were too young for it.

“Of course, great show!” Ashlyn says enthusiastically.

“Who was your favorite character?” Ali questions.

“Zack, duh.” Ashlyn replies easily. “But only cause I pretty much wanted to be him.”

“Well, I’d say you nailed it.” Ali motions to Ashlyn’s hair with a little laugh, just now realizing that she kind of does look like Zack’s character in her style.

“You are on a roll today, Harvard.” Ashlyn opens her mouth in mock offense before shooting her a joking glare with a chuckle.

“Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t help it! You have to admit though…” Ali shoots Ashlyn a megawatt smile.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know!” Ashlyn laughs more loudly. “Moving on! Who was your favorite character, smarty pants?”

“Also, Zack.” Ali smirks knowingly. “For the same reason as you, sort of.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn responds, not really following.

“All the girls in my class used to like Zack too, because he was ‘hot’. I always said that was why I liked him too. It wasn’t.” Ali admits. “It was more like I admired him… because he was dating Kelly the cheerleader on the show. I liked Kelly way more than I realized at the time.”

“Ah, ok. I get it.” Ashlyn smiles at the clarification.

“Took me many years to realize that though. Only when my life fell apart and I went back to try and piece together who the hell I was, what I really felt, and what I wanted…that’s when I came back to that time in my life and felt like maybe that was the start of it. Though I guess I can’t be totally sure, but I think it is.” Ali explains thoughtfully. “I’m really sort of a late bloomer in the lady-loving world.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” Ashlyn assures her, absentminded playing with the brunette’s fingers.

“I was married before.” Ali just puts it out there unceremoniously. “To a man.” She clarifies quickly, waiting for the usual look of surprise that always graces a client’s face when she reveals it. To Ashlyn’s credit, the woman doesn’t flinch. Her expression remains the exactly same, warm, curious, and attentive. “You’re not surprised by that?” Ali asks at the unchanging look.

“Should I be?” Ashlyn says softly.

“I don’t know. Every other client seems to be pretty shocked.” Ali shrugs.

“Love is about feelings, and hearts are not gendered. To me, love transcends all aspects of physical appearance. Just because a person is mostly attracted to one gender, doesn’t mean they can’t love someone of the other.” Ashlyn replies sincerely.

“You’re really profound, Ash. In an extraordinary way, I mean that.” Ali can’t help but wonder just how deep this woman’s soul goes.

“Just what I believe.” Ashlyn says humbly, not wanting to interrupt the brunette’s thoughts. “Go on.” She encourages with another little squeeze on Ali’s hand.

“I got married really young, right after high school.” Ali divulges and finally gets a tiny look of surprise from Ashlyn.

“That is definitely young.” Ashlyn nods at the revelation. “But if you know, you know. Age shouldn’t matter just as much as gender doesn’t.” She reasons.

“I thought I knew.” Ali recounts. “But I really was too young. Too young to be waging the internal battle that I was. Definitely too young to really know what I was feeling and what I really needed or wanted. Heartbreak is what set me down that path and it took more heartbreak to set me right. We got divorced about halfway through my MSW program at Columbia. Life is busy and we don’t always keep in touch as much as we should, but we’re still great friends. He’s remarried now, has a couple kids.”

“I’m sorry, Alex.” Ashlyn isn’t sure exactly what to say or even gauge how Ali is feeling.

“Don’t be. I’m not.” Ali says straight-forwardly. “I actually left him. Just took me quite a while to realize that personal tragedy didn’t have to define or rule my life is all.”

“I think I can relate to that on some level.” Ashlyn connects to the brunette’s statement.

“I have no doubt.” Ali gives her a tight smile and continues. “My parents were very close and they really balanced each other out. My Mom was always a bit of a free spirit, very blunt and open about everything. That’s probably what made her such an incredible therapist. My Dad was more reserved, organized, more of a planner, but he had this genuine goodness to him. There was a side of him that was so easy-going despite his cautious nature. They were just in harmony together; a real opposites attract relationship.”

Ashlyn stays quiet as she watches Ali’s eyes scan the skyline on front of them, waiting patiently to learn how this all fits into the brunette’s divorce.

“Growing up, I was closer to my Mom. Our personalities just meshed better and, to be honest, my Dad was always really busy with his job. It took long hours for him to work his way up the ladder, pretty typical for financial jobs in a big city firm. He wasn’t absent or anything. More like when you had his attention and time, it felt like gold, you know?” Ali tries to describe it.

“I know what you’re saying.” Ashlyn affirms.

Ali pauses for a few seconds and lets out a soft breath. “When my Dad died, all those things that I liked about my mother… I don’t know, they became annoying to me. I just wanted no part of them anymore.”

“In what way?” Ashlyn tries to fully understand what the brunette is getting at.

“It’s like that structured, stable aspect that my Dad brought to our lives was gone. And all we had left was this free-floating lifestyle that my Mom had. The balance felt gone, out of whack. I felt so lost in it and I came to be kind of resentful of her approach to everything.” Ali does her best to explain it. “It shouldn’t have been that way, but I was so hurt. We all were. I didn’t know how to cope.”

“Of course not, you were really young to be dealing with all that.” Ashlyn moves their empty food thermoses to the ground and scoots in a little closer so that her shoulder is touching the brunette’s, pulling Ali’s hand into her lap now that the space between them has closed.

“So, it meant that I kind of rebelled against her way of being. Fought against her openness and eccentricity. To the point that I was almost embarrassed about her being a sex therapist. I just craved stability, normalcy, something traditional and reliable.” Ali can remember the way it felt as if it were yesterday. “It was like putting ice on a wound. Eventually it gets numb enough that you don’t feel it and you can deal with it. But the wound is still there, it still needs to heal. The pain will come right back if the ice is gone. I just refused to take the ice off for a long time.”

Ashlyn nods to signal that she’s following along, but lets Ali continue on.

“Brian, my ex-husband, he was my ice in that metaphor.” Ali sheds some light. “He was one of my best friends growing up and I leaned on him a lot when my Dad died. So much so that by that summer, I just fell so hard for him. He was all of those things I craved… stability, security, structure. He liked cherry coke and Reese’s peanut butter cups, I thought it was a sign.”

“Cherry coke and Reese’s?” Ashlyn questions.

“Yeah, they were my Dad’s favorites.” Ali replies. “Had my Dad not died, maybe I wouldn’t have clung to someone like that. Maybe I would have spent more time trying to understand myself and grow up a bit, but it felt like I became an adult from one day to another. My mom, she really liked Brian, but I think she knew something wasn’t right. She tried to tell me, tried to get me to realize I didn’t have to jump into anything serious, tried to tell me that I needed to date other people and be open to myself. I never listened and I did the exact opposite of whatever she said.”

“You married him.” Ashlyn states with more understanding now.

“Yep.” Ali nods. “It was completely crazy, but I was so sure he was everything I ever wanted and needed. I loved him. I can see now that it was an immature love and misplaced, but I did love him. As much as my Mom was disappointed in my choices, she still always supported me. I was going off to Harvard, he was going to be at MIT nearby. We planned to live in an apartment together and we were in love. So, we got married that summer after we graduated high school. Seemed to make so much sense at the time.”

“I can totally see that. Maybe you were too young, but it was safe and practical.” Ashlyn can commiserate in a sense.

“Exactly.” Ali confirms. “It was what I needed at the time. And my Mom used to drive me nuts. She’d barrage me with question about our sex life and our relationship. She wanted the best for me, but at the time I just saw it as an annoyance. It never dawned on me until later how much I lied to her about that stuff, how much I brushed her off.”

“Lied to her?” Ashlyn hones in on that part.

“Yeah, about how good things were with Brian. Let’s face it, the sex was mediocre at best. We were better friends than lovers. But I had myself fooled that everything was wonderful and amazing. I’m pretty sure she knew it was never the sunshine and rainbows I made it out to be, but I never admitted it.” Ali clarifies and sees Ashlyn nod.

“When she got hit by a car just a few weeks before my sophomore year at Harvard, I felt this awful guilt. There was just so much that hit me in those couple of weeks we sat by her side in the hospital. Mostly that I had been so stupid in thinking that pushing her away would heal a wound that never closed, you know?” Ali asks rhetorically and keeps going. “That I was doing all these things to hold onto my Dad, many of them at her expense, when I really should have been letting him go.”

“Cut yourself some slack, Alex. It’s much easier to see things in hindsight.” Ashlyn speaks up at hearing the brunette’s dejected tone.

“I know. I don’t blame myself like at all like I used to.” Ali assures her. “But having all these people visiting us after she died and me hearing all these stories about how great she was from friends and colleagues… made me realize how much like her I really was. Made me remember how much I always wanted to be like her. That was really the start of me reevaluating myself and what I wanted in life. Really didn’t take me long to start following down her path.”

“So, that was when you switched from economics to psychology at Harvard?” Ashlyn sees the larger connection now.

“Yep, big life shift number two.” Ali smiles. “And boy was it a whopper in the long run. It was the beginning of me finding my true passion.”

“And how did Brian fit into that?” Ashlyn inquires, trying to piece it all together.

“At first, he fit in just fine. He was sweet and supportive like always. He was a good guy, doting and caring…still is.” Ali replies. “It was me that changed. The more passionate I became about being a therapist, the more I kind of left him behind in a way. I grew up without letting him grow with me. And we were still okay for quite a while. We both graduated and moved back to New York. I started at Columbia, he started working as an engineer.”

“Is that when you moved back into the place you live in now?” Ashlyn asks.

“Yeah. Kyle and I never had the heart to sell it, but he never wanted to live there. So, it made practical sense for me to move in.” Ali explains. “Coming home like that actually made me feel closer to my Mom, both of my parents really.”

“I know that feeling.” Ashlyn empathizes and feels Ali hold her hand a bit tighter. “Kyle is your brother?”

“Oh yeah, I guess I haven’t mentioned his name before.” Ali realizes. “Not intentional.”

“Just making sure I wasn’t assuming incorrectly.” Ashlyn smiles at the way Ali makes her feel like someone important in her life. “Keep going.”

“When I started at Columbia, that’s when I really got into sex and relationship therapy like my Mom. And the more I got into it, the more I could see how fractured my own marriage was, and the more I became like my mother in a lot of ways. That really didn’t work well for my relationship with Brian. We started fighting a lot, feeling very distant from each other.” Ali recounts. “It wasn’t dramatic in the end. We just sat down one day and both knew it wasn’t working anymore. It was amicable, and over before I even got my MSW degree. Honestly, I felt really free.”

“So, is that when you realized you liked women?” Ashlyn asks, unsure whether or not she missed that part in what Ali told her so far.

“Not really.” Ali reveals. “For a while, I was just so dedicated to my work that I didn’t even think about dating at all. It only dawned on me how weird that was when I became a sex therapist and actually had a practice with clients. That’s when I really started a process of self-discovery.”

“Ah, ok.” Ashlyn nods.

“When I really stopped to think about what attracted me to someone physically and emotionally, I sort of realized that maybe I was more attracted to women. That got me thinking about things I had felt in the past, and it started to click a bit.” Ali elaborates. “So, in the name of self-discovery and being open with myself, I tried dating women. I haven’t been with a guy since Brian.”

“That’s quite a backstory. Think I have a better sense now of how it all fits together.” Ashlyn gives her a little nudge and a smile. “So, is that why you only work with women as a sex surrogate?”

“Yep. As much as I see male clients in routine office therapy, when it came to the sex surrogate thing, it was important to me to stay true to myself in that regard. To work within my comfort zone, and that makes me a better surrogate.” Ali replies matter-of-factly.

Ashlyn nods. “Can I ask one more thing?”

“Of course.” Ali smiles back.

“In that first phone call we had before our first session, you said that you weren’t in a sexual relationship…” Ashlyn tries to frame the question in a non-intrusive way, but gets cut off by Ali.

“I’m very single.” Ali says bluntly, knowing exactly where the short-haired woman is going.

“By choice?” Ashlyn inquires.

“Eh, yes and no.” Ali shrugs. “I had a relationship with a woman who was a museum curator that lasted almost two years, and it was pretty serious. That is until I became a sex surrogate. Truth is that I was more passionate about my job than I was about her.”

“Oh.” Ashlyn isn’t sure what to say.

“Yeah, elephant in the room.” Ali laughs a bit. “Let’s face it, doing what I do… it means I’m never monogamous really. Being single also means I feel like I can invest more emotionally with my clients too. It takes the right person to be able to be with someone like me.” Ali pauses and finds warm hazel eyes. “I haven’t found that person yet. Lots of dates, a couple of slightly more involved relationships, but no one close to _the right one_.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn replies. “I can only imagine the strength it takes to do what you do. It seems so simple on the surface, but it’s extremely complex in actuality. You know, I think knowing what you do but not knowing you, I might feel like most people about it. But getting to know you and seeing your passion for it and who you are. I just understand better now. I guess it’s their loss if they don’t get it, but you’re one of those people that you just don’t let pass on by if you can help it. What you do takes a lot of sacrifice from what I can tell.”

“Sacrifice in many ways, yeah, but I love what I do.” Ali says with a smile at candor of Ashlyn’s words. “It has been worth all of it…so far.”

“So far?” Ashlyn presses, not missing the way Ali’s voice changed on that last part.

“I think I’m at a place in life where I’m starting to question if it’s still worth it. Starting to think about shifting more towards my routine sex therapy practice and away from surrogacy.” Ali divulges.

“Guess I came to you at the right time then.” Ashlyn lightly squeezes Ali hand.

“Yes Ash, you definitely did.” Ali says warmly even as her stomach drops at the way the statement feels so powerful, meaningful in a way she’s not sure she understands. “If anyone is gonna be my last, might as well be the first client I’ve ever been attracted to. Way to go out with a bang, right?” She jokes to reign things in.

“Out with a bang. Pun intended?” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Duh.” Ali playfully rolls her eyes.

“Nice, Harvard. Smooth.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Well, I’m honored to be your last Ms. Krieger.” She makes a show of chivalrously kissing Al’s hand.

“Easy there, Stanford. You’re assuming I can stay away from all those ladies that need my sexual healing. Not gonna be easy.” Ali plays back.

“You wound me, Alex.” Ashlyn tries to keep a straight face, but fails and laughs.

“Aww, poor Stanford girl.” Ali teases before trying to get them back on track. “So, now that you know how Alexandra Krieger found the rainbow unicorn, do I get the hear the same about Ashlyn Harris?”

“Only fair.” Ashlyn’s eyes find the water and focus on a single small wave that she tracks until it hits the wall near the pier.

_To be continued…_


	10. Exes & Ohs (Session 4 - Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to thank you all for all the great comments along the way, keep them coming!  
Now, let's learn about the very mysterious Sloane...

Session 4 (Part 2) - Exes & Ohs

_“Aww, poor Stanford girl.” Ali teases before trying to get them back on track. “So, now that you know how Alexandra Krieger found the rainbow unicorn, do I get the hear the same about Ashlyn Harris?”_

_“Only fair.” Ashlyn’s eyes find the water and focus on a single small wave that she tracks until it hits the wall near the pier._

_Continuation…_

“After what happened with my Dad, 6th grade was a pretty much a loss. Took me months to physically recover enough to be back in school to begin with and then he got killed in prison and I wasn’t in any headspace to even attempt going back that year or the next one. I got schooling through the state when I was in the institutional home. And then after that, the local school administration was great in sending a teacher to home school me through the fall of 7th grade so that I didn’t get held back. But they couldn’t do that long-term.” Ashlyn decides on starting with some context.

“So, I went back to school like normal after the holidays that year. It didn’t go particularly well. Everyone either avoided me or was clearly just trying to be my friend because they felt bad or because I was the freaky novelty at the moment.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I sort of had a couple friends that l occasionally talked to, but really it was easier to just be kind of a loner. So I was.”

“That’s really sad.” Ali frowns, now pulling their joined hands into her own lap.

“By that spring, I had really started getting used to doing everything on my own. And then it all changed one day, kind of like a light switch getting flipped on.” Ashlyn recounts.

“Changed how?” Ali asks.

“I met my best friend.” Ashlyn answers simply.

“I thought you met Whitney in college.” Ali questions in confusion.

“I did. But I’m not talking about Whit.” Ashlyn clarifies, the story now passing through her lips even as the detailed memory of that day runs through her mind.

_“No, no, don’t come over here. Don’t come over here.” Ashlyn mumbles to herself as a slender girl with crystal clear blue eyes and long silky blonde hair makes her way towards her lunch table. She heard people talking about a new girl this morning and it couldn’t be more obvious that this is her; standing there in the cafeteria aimlessly turning in a circle until the girl’s eyes fall upon her sitting there alone. Now she’s swiftly making her way over, lunch tray in hand and completely clueless._

_“Hi, are you new here too?” The girl sits right down across from Ashlyn with an over-the-top smile, her voice hopeful._

_“Nope. I’m very old here. And you don’t want to sit there, trust me.” Ashlyn replies flatly, hoping that she’ll take the hint._

_“And why is that?” The girl dips her head a bit, making it almost impossible for Ashlyn to avoid looking at her._

_“Because I’m the local freak show and a lone wolf.” Ashlyn says it almost proudly. “Not the way you want to start a new school.”_

_“When you put it that way…” The girl catches Ashlyn’s eyes. “I definitely want to sit here.” She smiles again at watching Ashlyn’s face contort in confusion. “You got a name, lone wolf freak show?” _

_“I…uh…” Ashlyn stutters for a second, any semblance of her earlier confidence now gone as the piercing blue eyes stare at her curiously, something in them very captivating. “Ashlyn Harris.” She concedes and holds her hand out, still not sure what to make of the interaction._

_“Sloane Jentz.” The girl reveals her name and shakes Ashlyn’s hand briefly before her lips curl into an almost devilish smile. “I can be your Little Red Riding Hood.”_

_“Didn’t the wolf eat Little Red Riding Hood?” Ashlyn skeptically raises an eyebrow at her. “Doesn’t seem like it would end well for you.”_

_“The wolf ate the grandma, dumb dumb.” Sloane snickers. “And then Little Red Riding Hood got the hunter to kill the wolf with an axe and spit the grandma out. So, it doesn’t end well for you really.”_

_“Right, even better. So, how exactly is this a good idea then?” Ashlyn asks sarcastically as she motions between the two of them._

_“Sheesh, you need me even more than I thought.” Sloane rolls her eyes. “We’ll work on it, wolfie.”_

“Sloane Jentz, blonde with blue eyes.” Ali muses out loud. “She sounds like a character from Sweet Valley High.”

Ashlyn lets out a loud chortle. “Nailed it, she kind of did look like one of those girls. She was really pretty and always well dressed. I looked so out of place next to her.”

“Really, why?” Ali wonders.

“For starters, until a few years ago, I had really long bleach blonde hair. Pretty much a typical surfer or skater looking girl, a total tomboy, which I guess wasn’t all that weird for where I grew up. But still a million miles away from that Sweet Valley High look.” Ashlyn tries to describe her former appearance.

“I can’t even picture you with long hair.” Ali looks at her quizzically.

“Well…here.” Ashlyn pulls out her phone and finds an old tagged photo on her Facebook account, one taken at a beach bonfire her sophomore year in high school.

“Oh wow!” Ali’s eyebrows shoot up as she holds the phone closer to her face. Ashlyn looks different enough that it took her a minute to find her in the group of people in the photo. “Surfer girl for sure! You look so different… but still gorgeous.” She finds Ashlyn’s eyes and smiles. “Sweet Valley High girls have nothing on you.”

“Ha, whatever you say, Harvard. But thank you.” Ashlyn shrugs off the compliment.

Ali studies the photo for a few more seconds, her eyes landing on the very striking blonde girl with an arm around Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Is that her?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn confirms simply as the brunette hands her phone back, her eyes going back to the water.

“You ok?” Ali asks, not missing the little look of sadness cross Ashlyn’s face as she put her phone away.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn chooses to just keep going. “So, we were inseparable since that first day. Didn’t take long before she knew me better than anyone. Like that one person who you don’t ever hold back with, that really knows all of you and is still there by your side even when you can’t understand why.”

Ashlyn pauses for few seconds, just enough time for Ali to put it all together based on her tone of voice. “You were in love with her?”

“Yep. Textbook approach to finding the rainbow unicorn, fall in love with your straight best friend. Greatest lesbian cliché of them all.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a sigh.

“That sounds like complicated torture.” Ali grimaces slightly, only imagining how hard that must have been.

“More complicated than you could ever guess.” Ashlyn responds mysteriously. “I compared everyone to her, for years. No one ever measured up.”

“Did she know?” Ali probes a bit.

“Eventually.” Ashlyn replies, staying quiet again for a moment before elaborating. “She was a navy brat, her dad was an officer and they moved around a lot. Satellite Beach might have been the place they stayed longest, but she moved to North Carolina my junior year in high school.” She looks over to see Ali listening attentively.

“The guys at school practically drooled over her and she dated quite a few of them. She tried to set me up a couple of times with friends of guys she was dating, but needless to say, it never went well.” Ashlyn recounts. “Anyway, I never told her… but then the night before she left for North Carolina, she made it very clear that she knew.” The memories rush to her mind again.

_“This fucking sucks. I’m gonna miss you.” Sloane wiggles her feet in the sand, her head leaned into Ashlyn’s shoulder as they sit there side-by-side on the beach in the dark._

_“I’m going to miss you more.” Ashlyn whispers back sadly. “My lone wolf mode is fully loaded and ready to roll again though.”_

_“Hey, can I ask you something?” Sloane says after a few quite seconds._

_“When do you ever ask permission?” Ashlyn laughs lightly._

_“Shut up.” Sloane nudges her. “How come… well, why haven’t you ever really dated any of the guys at school?”_

_“Why does it matter?” Ashlyn bites back more than she means to._

_“It doesn’t really. I just never got it. A lot of guys think you’re really cool and you never give them the time of day. You should go out with them more, especially now that I’m moving. I always thought you’d be happier with someone nice. It’ll be a good distraction at least.” Sloane urges her._

_“I don’t like the guys at school.” Ashlyn’s stomach drops, hoping she’s said enough to appease her best friend. It’s the only secret she hasn’t told her, but only because Sloane has never asked or pressed her on it._

_“Why not? They’re not that bad!” Sloane digs._

_Ashlyn takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, starting to feel dizzy. “I…uh… I don’t like guys. Period. I don’t like guys that way. As in I don’t want to date them, ever.” She just puts it out there very bluntly._

_“Oh.” Sloane smiles and nudges her again. “Why didn’t you tell me?”_

_“Does it matter?” Ashlyn opens her eyes, feeling nervous and a bit defensive._

_“No, dumb dumb. Of course it doesn’t. Still my wolfie as always.” Sloane smiles and leans into her again._

_“Thanks, Red Riding Hood.” Ashlyn smiles in relief, feeling a little silly now to have expected anything less than a supportive reaction._

_“How do you know?” Sloan suddenly picks her head up and asks._

_“Uh…I just do?” Ashlyn replies, not sure what else to say. “The same way you know you like guys.”_

_“Yeah, but I’ve like been with guys and you’ve barely even kissed them.” Sloane challenges. “Have you ever been with a girl or even kissed one?”_

_“No.” Ashlyn admits._

_“Then how can you really know?” Sloane keeps going._

_“I don’t know.” Ashlyn shrugs sheepishly._

_“Come here, let’s find out.” Sloane turns herself a bit and puts her hands behind Ashlyn’s neck, finding stunned hazel eyes._

_“What are you…” Ashlyn stutters but is silenced by soft lips moving against her own, her whole being feeling like it’s going to explode as hot energy surges through her body. She starts moving her lips as soon as the shock starts to subside only to feel Sloane deepen the kiss. It feels like both mere seconds and an eternity before she can breathe again, before Sloane is looking at her with a curious smirk on her face._

_“So, verdict? Did you like that? You sure now that you like girls?” She asks with a playful cockiness._

_“Yeah, very sure. More than you know.” Ashlyn barely gets out in a squeaky whisper._

_“More than you think I know.” Sloane winks. “Wish you had said something sooner.”_

_“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks dumbfounded._

_“You know exactly what I mean.” Sloane moves in just an inch from her lips._

_“I…uh…” Ashlyn stutters._

_“Shhhh. You overthink everything, wolfie.” Sloane runs her thumb along her friend’s lips, feeling her breath hitch. “Don’t ruin it.” _

_That’s the last thing that gets said before Sloane closes the practically nonexistent distance and the two of them stay locked in a heated make out session for the better part of half an hour. Hands wander, tongues duel with only short breaks for breaths of air that are far and few in between. The last few kisses are desperate as the seconds tick down to Sloane’s curfew, knowing her father will send out a search party if she’s even a minute late. _

_“I gotta go.” Sloane finally pulls away, the two of them flustered and breathing heavily with swollen lips shimmering in the soft moonlight. “Don’t forget me.” She sasses._

_“I would never.” Ashlyn replies sweetly, her emotions all over the place as her heart thuds in her chest._

_“You’re gonna knock a girl on her ass someday, and she’ll knock you on yours. And you’ll forget me.” Sloane says with a little smile. “And I’ll be happy for you because you’re the best there is.”_

_“I’ll never forget you, Sloane.” Ashlyn repeats defiantly._

_“You damn well better. Forget me.” Sloane says more seriously before smiling again. “Miss you already. I love you, wolfie.” She presses one more lingering peck to Ashlyn’s lips._

_“Love you too.” Ashlyn whispers back brokenly, feeling heavier with every step Sloane takes away from her down the beach._

“That’s intense.” Ali takes it all in.

“To say the least.” Ashlyn replies. “Anyway, she knew then. But we never talked about that night again…well, not for a very, very long time.”

“You never did forget her?” The brunette asks.

“No, I didn’t.” Ashlyn affirms. “We lost touch for a long time, but I never forgot her.”

“How did you lose touch?” Ali questions.

“We did texts, calls and emails the rest of high school, but never managed to visit each other. Then I went off to Stanford. I finally got what I wanted, to get the hell out of Satellite Beach. And I re-made myself, and that didn’t include her.” Ashlyn elucidates. “I just left it all behind and started new. Found some confidence in myself and just kinda ran with it. I dated a lot and for the first time ever I felt really in control of things. Just like we talked about in our first session. And I definitely didn’t forget Sloane, but I did let her go in a way, you know?”

“Got it.” Ali nods, everything Ashlyn has told her thus far now floating around in her brain with more pieces starting to fit together and make some sense. “So, you eventually got back in touch with her?”

Ashlyn sighs deeply. “Literally and figuratively.”

“Oh.” Ali replies in slight surprise, her eyes going wide when she suddenly realizes where exactly Sloane fits into to equation. “Oh. She’s…”

Ashlyn’s eyes find warm whiskey brown and she finishes the brunette’s statement. “The reason I’m sitting here with you.”

“Ok.” Ali holds Ashlyn’s hand tightly between both of hers, only now beginning to realize just how far back this goes as she searches the stormy hazel eyes holding her gaze.

“Can I have a minute?” Ashlyn asks softly, her stomach churning anxiously.

“Yeah, of course.” Ali replies immediately. “We can stop for today.”

“No, no.” Ashlyn sits up a bit more. “If I don’t get it out today, I’m not sure I will. I just need a minute, promise.”

“It’s ok. Take your time.” Ali says gently at the short-haired woman’s hesitant tone. “Take all the time you need. I’m here all night with you if that’s what it takes.”

“Thanks, Alex.” Ashlyn gives her a tight smile and leans back against the bench, trying to relax and closing her eyes. She feels the brunette let go of her hand, but is too caught up in her thoughts to think much of it until she feels warm pressure on her shoulders. She tilts her head back and looks up to find warm whiskey looking down at her, fingers softly kneading the muscles near her neck.

“How’s that?” Ali asks from where she is standing behind Ashlyn, doing her best to massage through the thick pea coat.

“Truly perfect.” Ashlyn closes her eyes again and melts into the touch. “Wonderful.”

Ali stays silent and just keeps massaging the short-haired woman’s upper back, spending extra time near the base of Ashlyn’s neck when she notices that this seems to release the most tension in her shoulders. It’s just as soothing for her, breathing in crisp traces of sage, citrus, and fresh water that seem to be Ashlyn’s signature scent. _She always smells so good._

“Come sit.” Ashlyn finally pats the bench next to her after about ten minutes, keeping her eyes closed and smiling slightly when she feels her hand back in Ali’s grasp and the brunette’s shoulder right up against her own.

“Sure you’re ok?” Ali checks again.

“As ok as I’ll get for this.” Ashlyn assures her. “You ready to keep going?”

“Ready if you are.” Ali replies and just prompts her from where they left off. “So, you dated a lot of women in college…”

“Right, all very casual. And then I dated less after that, just because I got so busy with program development. That woman in the first Instagram picture I posted, we dated for over a year. Her name was Sophie and it was actually going pretty well until she got sick of me being far too dedicated to my work and pretty much never coming to bed.” Ashlyn says unceremoniously. “Couldn’t blame her for that, but at least it ended on friendly enough terms.”

“So to that point, everything was going okay relationship and intimacy wise? Emotional and physical working well for the most part?” Ali works to create some kind of timeline.

“Yes, everything normal so-to-speak.” Ashlyn confirms. “I wasn’t hung up on not being settled into a serious relationship. My focus was my work and it was going really damn well. That was when we had just sold to Facebook.” She lets out a long breath. “And then my Grandma died. She was everything to me, and it felt like it all crashed in.”

“I’m sorry, Ash.” Ali soothing rubs the top of Ashlyn’s hand with both thumbs. “Can I ask what happened?”

“I’m still not 100% sure. I used to call her every night. She hadn’t been feeling well for like a week, but said it was just the flu. She was 96 and her health wasn’t always great, so I didn’t think too much of it.” Ashlyn voice gets raspy. “She just died in her sleep. Our neighbor who used to have coffee with her every morning found her and called me. The doctors thought maybe she had a stroke, but it was just a guess since we didn’t do an autopsy.”

“I’m really sorry.” Ali takes a tissue out of her pocket and gently dabs at the single tear that she sees escaping Ashlyn’s eye, making sure not to smudge her make-up.

“Thanks.” Ashlyn gives her a little smile, pulling herself together so she doesn’t look like a complete mess for her event tonight. “I felt so fucking guilty. My Grandma was my world. That woman made me who I am in every way. She got me out of state custody, raised me, made sure I did well in school, supported all my aspirations, taught me to how to cook, run a household, and take care of myself. She made me realize the importance of being as kind as I am strong, to be an attentive listener but never fail to use my voice. And as much as she meant to me…I just… I never visited that much, you know? I really only came back for Thanksgiving Day, literally just one day, and then two or three days near Christmas every year. It was rare that I came home more than that.”

“I’m sure she understood. And you called her every night.” Ali offers some comfort.

“I know. And I know she understood and she just wanted me to live happily.” Ashlyn shrugs. “She was so proud of me. I just felt like such an asshole when she died. Like I had wasted so much time with her.” She tries to describe it. “I went home to that empty house I grew up in with her and I felt unhinged, like my anchor was gone.”

“I know that feeling well.” Ali says softly, completely identifying with those feelings of guilt and disconnect even from her own unique angle.

“You more than anyone.” Ashlyn acknowledges knowingly before continuing. “I planned to just take a couple weeks to clear the house out, sell the place, and be done with Florida for good.” She scratches the back of her head nervously. “But it was just over a year before I left again.”

“A year?” Ali’s brow furrows. “What happened?”

“Sloane Jentz happened.” Ashlyn sighs. “I hadn’t seen her in 10 fucking years, hadn’t had any contact with her in like 8 years, and then there she was at my Grandma’s funeral. Out of fucking nowhere, there she was. Felt like the damn wind got knocked out of me when I saw her.”

“In a good way or a bad way?” Ali asks.

“I truly couldn’t tell you. I had no idea in that moment.” Ashlyn answers frankly. “She just walked up to me after the service, didn’t even say anything at first, and wrapped me up in this massive hug.” The moment comes right back to her.

_“Hi.” Sloane says shyly as she pulls back from the hug, finding Ashlyn’s eyes._

_“Hi.” Ashlyn whispers back, lost in the face that apparently still brings a feeling of peace and familiarity._

_“I’m so sorry about Grandma, I’m heartbroken for you.” Sloane says sympathetically. “How are you holding up?”_

_“Thank you.” Ashlyn replies, not sure what to say. “I’ve been better to be honest.”_

_“I know, I can see it on your face.” Sloane frowns. “Anything you need, I’m here.”_

_“I appreciate that.” Ashlyn says gratefully. “Are you like living here or…?” She trails off in confusion._

_“Sort of. I’m still technically living in Carolina. My parents split a few years ago and my Dad moved back here after that. He’s in Palm Bay. He has terrible diabetes and recently had to get a foot amputated after a bad infection. I’ve been down here helping him out while he recovers and gets used to the prosthetic. Probably be here for quite a while.” Sloane explains. “I heard all about you, big deal California social media girl. Damn you did well for yourself.”_

_“Uh, I guess. It’s no big deal.” Ashlyn turns a bit red. _

_“Right, and everyone from this shanty town turns out to be a self-made brainiac millionaire. No biggie at all.” Sloane playfully rolls her eyes and twirls a strand of Ashlyn’s long blonde hair in her fingers. “You look great. The same in many ways, but I dunno, all lit up and fit, really grown up. You look great.”_

_“Thanks. You look great yourself.” Ashlyn returns the compliment._

_“I know you have a lot of people to talk to tonight.” Sloane’s eyes move around the room, a sea of older people dressed in dark muted tones. “But I’m not going anywhere. Maybe we can get a drink and catch up later?”_

_“I’d like that.” Ashlyn smiles, feeling suddenly less alone than she has since she got here._

_“Good. Come find me when you’re ready.” Sloane pulls her into another quick hug. “I really missed you, wolfie.”_

_“Missed you too.” Ashlyn whispers back in complete truth._

“The next few days were a blur.” Ashlyn tells it as simply as she can. “She and I hung out almost all day every day. We drank a lot and reminisced about my Grandma. I leaned on her pretty heavily, let out a lot of the emotions I was feeling. We caught each other up on everything we had missed. I found out she was a veteran’s hospital nurse up in Carolina. So it made sense that she took a leave to take care of her dad.” Ashlyn pauses and looks over to Ali, getting an encouraging little smile from the brunette who is still stroking her hand softly.

“And then after a few days we ended up back on the same beach, side-by-side again.” Ashlyn shakes her head slightly.

_“How come we stopped talking to each other?” Sloane asks as they listen to waves rolling in._

_“I’m not even sure.” Ashlyn answers. “I guess I left everything behind in an effort to start new. It was my fault.”_

_“It’s a two-way street. My fault too.” Sloane counters and stays quiet for a bit. “You forgot about me.”_

_“I never forgot about you, Red Riding Hood. I really didn’t.” Ashlyn replies softly even as she feels a warm hand on her cheek._

_“I never forgot about you either, wolfie. Not for a second.” Sloane says huskily and pulls Ashlyn’s lips to hers._

“It was as sudden and unexpected as the first time, but just as wonderful. Felt like not even a single day had passed.” Ashlyn describes the feeling as best she can. “After that, it was one of those romantic whirlwinds everyone talks about. Everything moved so fast. I decided to stay in Florida, we moved into my Grandma’s house together…we made plans.”

“Wow, so it was really serious then?” Ali asks even though it seems obvious.

“Yeah, very. Facebook had taken the major workload off of us, so the timing was perfect for me to work from Florida with Whit and Megan handling things in Cali. Fuck, they were so damn thrilled for me.” Ashlyn recalls. “Whit said it was the happiest she’s ever seen me.”

“Was it? The happiest you’ve been?” Ali digs a bit.

“Yes.” Ashlyn answers flatly. “I guess it was. I loved her so much, with everything I had. It felt so right in so many ways. Like my life had finally come full circle. Symbolically like I was coming back to the place that I started, but as a new person. Like I had finally found the purpose I had been searching for.”

“Understandable.” Ali nods and lets her continue.

“I flew back to Cali about one week a month to stay in the loop with everything. Sloane would usually go to North Carolina those weeks to see her mom, check on her place and stuff. Everything was just in sync.” Ashlyn explains and takes a deep breath. “So much so that about 8 months later when I was in Cali for a week, I had Whit and Megan go with me to buy a ring.”

“Oh, Ash.” Ali whispers and hugs the woman’s arm against her while still gripping her hand firmly.

“I know it was fast, and stupid maybe, but I just knew, you know? It was that simple for me.” Ashlyn mumbles a bit and takes a second to compose herself. “I took her back to that same spot on the beach, our spot. And I asked her to marry me.”

“She said no?” Ali states more than asks, the agony on Ashlyn’s face right now makes the outcome of the proposal beyond obvious.

“Oh I fucking wish she just said no.” Ashlyn scoffs, the hurt in her voice evident.

“Then what…” Ali starts to ask in complete befuddlement.

“She said ‘I can’t, honey. I can’t. I’m so sorry.’” Ashlyn closes her eyes. “I almost couldn’t breathe, but I still managed to ask why. I shouldn’t have. She followed it up with ‘I’m three months pregnant, Ashlyn.’”

“Fuck.” Ali’s jaw drops open.

“And you want to know the absolutely crazy part, Alex?” Ashlyn says almost wildly. “My first thought was, so what? She cheated on me, there was a baby…but we could work it out. We’d raise the baby together and figure it out. As long as we loved each other, we’d figure it out and be ok.”

“You’re an amazingly good human.” Ali whispers in awe, but Ashlyn just shrugs dismally.

“I told her that it was ok and we’d figure it out, but she said ‘you don’t understand’ and proceeded to tell me that she was married. Her husband was a naval officer, stationed up in NC. She was pregnant with her fucking husband’s kid.” Ashlyn spits out venomously. “That’s where she would go when I was in Cali. She wasn’t cheating _on_ me, she was cheating _with_ me. No wonder she never let me go to Carolina with her or even to visit her Dad with her, just always said her parents didn’t know she was with a woman and she wasn’t ready to tell them.”

“My god.” Ali is at a loss for words.

“Yep.” Ashlyn slumps down a bit and tilts her head back against the bench.

“What did you do?” Ali hates to ask, but feels like it’s important.

“I just left. I was so shattered that I couldn’t say a word.” Ashlyn replies. “I packed my shit that night and went back to Cali the next day with my fucking tail between my legs. I hired a real estate agent to sell the house for me. I never went back.”

“I still can’t believe sometimes what people are capable of doing to other people. God, Ash.” Ali pulls her into a hug as best she can from the odd angle and feels Ashlyn sit up a bit and wrap an arm snuggly around her waist. “That would scar me for life.”

“It fucked me up good, that’s for sure. Never the same since, no matter who I date.” Ashlyn divulges.

“Awful.” Ali gently rubs her back. “So you never heard from her again?” She is expecting a simple confirmation to close out the conversation, but feels Ashlyn pull away a bit.

“That’s what I tell just about everyone, but it’s not true. The actual truth is really hard for me to talk about, but that’s what I want to be able to tell you today.” Ashlyn reveals.

“Ok, I’m here and you can trust me.” Ali reminds her, feeling Ashlyn’s hand that is still on her waist trembling a bit. _She’s so troubled over this. _“Take your time.” _What the hell else could there be? _

\-------

“It’s funny, for as much as I’ve struggled, I don’t think I ever felt as messed up as I did during that time.” It only takes Ashlyn a couple minutes to start talking again. “I barely got out of bed for a couple weeks. Whit and Megan were beyond worried, alternating which one of them came over for a few hours every day to make sure I was eating and showering at least. I had just started to feel like maybe I had hit rock bottom and it was time to try and pull myself back out.” Ashlyn moves to sit forward on the bench, elbows on her thighs and her eyes focused on the ground. “Turns out I wasn’t near rock bottom yet.”

Ashlyn swallows hard a couple times, trying not to let the sinking feeling come back to her as she talks about it. It always makes her feel like a shitty person, even if the only people who know are her closest confidants. She feels Ali’s hand come to rest protectively on her lower back and it’s enough to make the words come out.

“She showed up at my door. In Cali. Like three weeks after I left Florida, she just showed up at my door.” Ashlyn says like she’s still in disbelief. “I thought it was Whit coming over to bring lunch. I just fucking froze there in the doorway like she was a ghost.”

_As if the bitch didn’t do enough already. _Ali feels herself get outraged inside for Ashlyn, but she makes sure her expression stays neutral in case she looks up at her. She moves her hand in a tiny circle on Ashlyn’s lower back and just listens.

“I wanted to scream at her, to tell her to stay the fuck away from me. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she looked wonderful and horrible at the same time. I was so damn angry at her, but I also couldn’t have felt more relieved to see her. She just held me tight and kept repeating the same thing over and over again: ‘I’m sorry, Ashlyn. I’m so fucking sorry. I care about you. I love you.’” Ashlyn gets out in a thick voice. “I don’t even know how long I stood there listening to her say it like a broken record.”

“What did you do?” Ali asks softly.

“Everything inside was tugging in different directions and I just wanted it to stop. I believed her. I kissed her in the wildest way. I let her in.” Ashlyn answers flatly. “I didn’t say anything, didn’t ask any questions…not for hours… just took her to my bedroom and let my body talk for me.” She lets out a shaky breath. “It was just this crazy intense sex. I don’t have other words for it.”

“Good or bad?” Ali tries to understand.

“At the time I thought good.” Ashlyn replies. “Everything felt so heightened. Like I was hyperaware of everything. Especially her body, I could see and feel all the little changes of her being pregnant and I felt so connected to it in a strange way that I probably shouldn’t have. It was hours, the whole damn day and into the night…one round after another until my whole body ached and I passed out from exhaustion. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to her running her hand through my hair and it was the first time I felt like I could speak.”

“Did you?” Ali feels like she’s on the edge of her seat.

Ashlyn nods. “I asked her why. Why…one word… just why.” She cracks her knuckles and the clenches her hands together. “She never really answered that question. She just said ‘I love you, Ashlyn. I need you to know that I love you.’ That’s it, that’s all she said.”

“I don’t understand.” Ali can’t figure out what exactly is happening in the moment Ashlyn is retelling.

“I thought I understood her. I thought… I thought she was choosing me, Alex. I didn’t question it, just let myself get lost in her physically again until I had nothing left.” Ashlyn whispers out. “When I woke up, she was gone. I would’ve thought I dreamed the whole thing had it not been for a fucking note on my nightstand and her perfume on my pillows.”

Ali just blows out a deep breath, silently cursing that stupid woman without even knowing what the note said yet.

“She wasn’t choosing me at all. She was saying goodbye. It was pity all along.” Ashlyn lets out a small sardonic chuckle. “Fucking pity.” She practically growls.

“What’d the note say, Ash?” Ali asks directly, trying to get to the bottom of this as quickly as possible in an effort to spare Ashlyn anymore hurt talking about it.

Ashlyn speaks the words from memory, the small loopy handwriting still burned into her irises.

_Why? Because I never could stand to see you lost and it felt better to try to help you than to let you flounder. I wanted to be your Red Riding Hood, that’s what I knew best. I failed you, but I do love you. You deserve a love that matches yours and I don’t match, I never have. Forget me like you should have to begin with. Forget me. – Sloane_

“Bitch.” Ali whispers out before she can stop herself, the little half smirk that Ashlyn gives her confirming that she said it audibly. “Sorry.” She mumbles regretfully.

“Don’t be. Whit and Megan said much, much worse. And Nancy had a few choice words too.” Ashlyn assures her.

“Can’t blame them.” Ali shrugs.

“Neither can I. Wish I had found the voice to say a few choice words myself.” Ashlyn smiles tightly again. “Not that I would have said them anyway.”

“And that was the real end, you never spoke to her again?” The brunette asks.

Ashlyn gives a little nod. “The end and the beginning.”

“Beginning? You mean of what is going on now?” Ali clarifies.

“Yeah. I read that note and I was completely destroyed. That was rock bottom. I felt used, and dirty, and stupid, and worthless, and so fucking ashamed. That feeling of shame has stuck around for a long time, much longer than the hurt ever did.” Ashlyn explains.

Ali nods, shame being the word she hears spoken most frequently by her clients in a variety of contexts. Still, it’s meaning is a bit different for everyone. “Why shame? Tell me about that.” Ali directs carefully.

“Because I let it happen. I could’ve just shut that stupid door, but I didn’t. I was too dumb to see what was happening…or maybe not dumb at all, just selfish and uncaring.” Ashlyn chides herself in her desperation to explain.

“I’m not understanding the selfish and uncaring part.” Ali feels like she can pressure her a bit, the short-haired woman’s elevated tone suggesting that she’s ready to unleash in some way.

“I fucked someone’s pregnant wife, Alex!” Ashlyn clenches her hands together tighter. “And it’s not like those months where I didn’t know. I fucking knew that last time and I did it anyway. And who the fuck am I kidding? I think I knew it all from day one. She kissed me and said she loved me on the beach that first time in high school…and really deep down I died a little because I knew she was lying, that she didn’t feel exactly the way I did for her. But just the same, I wanted it and I wanted her. I knew all along, but I was selfish to want it anyway and I didn’t care enough to trust my gut. And then I tried to take something that was never mine, that I knew wasn’t mine. Even when I knew for sure that she was someone else’s and that her child was someone else’s… I tried to take all of that from someone I didn’t even know and make it mine. I feel so ashamed in that.” She releases a torrent of emotional thoughts that she’s pretty sure have never come out quite this coherently. “I let it happened and I can’t take it back.”

“No, you can’t.” Ali concedes on that point. “It did happen and you can’t change that. But I think you can get a better perspective on your role in it and who you are. Maybe I can talk you through it, if you’re willing.”

“Ok, we can try that.” Ashlyn replies, a bit intrigued in the way Ali just gave it to her straight, not handling her with kid gloves, just like in their first session. Whit, Megan, and Nancy were all amazing in getting her to go easy on herself about it, but none of them approached it by essentially saying ‘yep, can’t take it back’ like Ali just did.

“You’re very attuned to reading people’s feelings towards you by their facial expressions, think we’ve established that.” Ali gets them set. “You know I’m going to give you my honest thoughts, you can trust that. But I still want to make sure you see it for yourself. Can you look at me?”

Ashlyn nods silently and straightens up so she’s not leaned forward, turning her body slightly and finding those tranquil whiskey eyes.

“Good.” Ali smiles at her, glad to see hazel eyes looking a bit less stormy right now. “Straight talk. Was it a good choice to let her in and sleep with her that last time? Nope.” Ali doesn’t sugarcoat it. “But we’re human, Ash. Our choices are more often made with the heart than the mind, and there is no blame in that even if there is harm sometimes. You made a bad choice, with your heart… but to me, none of what happened makes you selfish or uncaring. And I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of.”

“I think I know that deep down.” Ashlyn gives a bit. “Nancy and I have worked really hard on this. Like I said, that feeling of shame has been difficult to overcome. It was so pervasive. To the point that I felt it anytime I tried to date someone at first. And then when I got over that part and started dating again, I would feel it when I tried to be intimate in any way. Took me a while to even kiss someone without feeling it and even longer before I could manage to try and have sex. And I still couldn’t orgasm at all until like a year ago, even if it was just trying by myself. I would think of her and feel that stupid shame and everything would lock up tight. And now I’ve worked through it enough and believe in myself enough to be able to have sex in some sense. It’s like my mind has worked through it and figured it out. Like I don’t feel that shame anymore really, but my body just doesn’t connect to where my mind is I guess.”

“Ok.” Ali nods and squeezes Ashlyn’s hand. “Thank you for being so open about all that, I know it isn’t easy. But let’s not focus all those sexual details right now. Can we try to stay on the emotional aspects?” She asks gently.

“Yeah, of course. I’m with you so far.” Ashlyn agrees easily, feeling safe in their conversation and the way in which Ali is being straight-forward, but also really kind.

“It seems to me like you can acknowledge that you shouldn’t feel selfish or ashamed of anything, and even that you’ve learned to let go of that feeling and believe in yourself. But I think maybe you’re still not exactly sure why it should be that way. Accurate?” Ali asks, hopeful that her insight hasn’t missed the mark.

“Highly accurate.” Ashlyn affirms. Anyone who knows what happened has told her she has nothing to feel ashamed of and she’s come to believe it finally, but to say that she knows why exactly she shouldn’t feel ashamed would be false.

“The best I can do is to give you my impressions on that answer. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right, it’s just my opinion.” Ali pre-warns.

“Please do, I value your opinion.” Ashlyn gives her the green light.

“By definition, shame means to feel a deep sense of humiliation over doing something wrong or foolish. Maybe you felt like it was wrong or foolish, but from an outsider’s perspective, I don’t think anything you did was either of those. No matter what you were feeling for her, you never chased her, never deceived her, never so much as asked her to stay when you knew she shouldn’t or couldn’t. Not that first time on the beach, not when she declined your proposal, not when she left that last time.” Ali lays out her thoughts. “She was the one that chose to pursue you, chose to engage you intimately knowing every single time that she was never going to stay. If you ask me, she was the selfish one.”

“Ok, yeah. I can buy into that for the most part. But then I knew she was married and pregnant, it was wrong of me to…” Ashlyn trails off.

“In a very strict moral sense, maybe.” Ali shrugs. “It’s more complex than that in my eyes.”

“How so?” Ashlyn asks eagerly.

“She fucked up. She made the mistake by cheating and it was on her to fix it. You walked away when you found out, you did everything you could not to hurt anyone to that point. Can we agree on that?” Ali finds a neutral ground.

“Ok, yeah.” Ashlyn nods.

“For all the unimaginable things you have suffered, you are a genuinely kind person. That much I’ve learned about you very quickly. Despite what you have been through, you still believe in the goodness of humanity. You believe and trust in the good of others. Can we agree on that?” The brunette focuses on the next link in the chain.

“I guess.” Ashlyn says humbly.

“You guess?” Ali raises an eyebrow and gets a shrug in response. “Ash, tell me how a person in your position takes a chance on a homeless woman she doesn’t know, befriends her, and changes her life without being someone who believes in humanity and that people are generally good at heart?” She challenges.

“Ok, fair. I can see what you’re saying.” Ashlyn relents. “And thank you.”

“I’m just being honest and direct.” Ali reminds her and makes sure to catch her eyes. “Like I’ve already told you, I find you remarkable in that regard and I mean it wholeheartedly.”

“Ok, you made your point, Harvard.” Ashlyn smiles shyly.

“Alright, moving on then.” Ali pauses, making sure she collects her thoughts so she can bring everything together in a way Ashlyn can understand. “So, why wouldn’t you believe and trust in her, Ashlyn? It was her mistake to fix. So when she showed up at your door, why wouldn’t you believe in her to fix it? To trust her to not to break your heart, her own heart, and anyone else’s. At your very center, you believe and trust in the goodness of people. So, why wouldn’t you believe and trust in the one person your heart belonged to for so long, the one person who truly knew you and meant so much to you, to not hurt you?”

Ali pauses for a second, watching Ashlyn’s mouth open a little bit like she wants to say something but remaining silent and in deep thought. She doesn’t expect Ashlyn to answer, so she just keeps going.

“I sure as hell don’t think you let her into your house and slept with her because you were being selfish. I think you did that because you trusted and believed in her to fix her mistake, to be honest with you, and not hurt you. You thought she was choosing what was right for herself, that she was choosing you and staying. Maybe I’m naïve, but I don’t see anything selfish, wrong, or foolish about that. I see a human being who loves deeply and got burned by someone far less caring. You’re not the one who should feel ashamed.” Ali says resolutely. “That’s all I got.”

“Well if that’s all.” Ashlyn whispers in awe and stays quiet for a minute, considering all of it carefully. “You’re right.” She can’t help but accept what the brunette is saying, all of it hitting hard and undeniably accurate. “Everything you said, I see it. I think I maybe understand better, and…you’re right.” It’s all she can manage in this moment when she feels like she just learned the answer to a huge mystery.

“Good, cause I hate being wrong.” Ali sasses a bit. “Really though, you don’t have to agree with me. I have no doubt that it’s a lot to take in and think about. You okay?” She squeezes Ashlyn’s hand.

“Yeah, I am. But you’re right. I know I’ll think about what you said until I’m blue in the face, but you really are right. And…I just…Christ…I don’t know how the hell you do that.” Ashlyn throws up her free hand in mock exasperation.

“Do what exactly?” Ali inquires.

“You just listen and then it’s like you look at me like I’m crystal clear water and you see everything at the bottom, things I don’t see.” Ashlyn tries to explain it. “And you’re so intuitive and have all these complex insights, but you just talk them all out so simply and logically. And you blow my damn mind by making me see what you see. You make me feel so free of myself and unencumbered.”

“Unencumbered, nice one Stanford vocab.” Ali smiles sweetly. “I’m a therapist, that’s what I do.”

“Yeah well, you’re a really fucking good one.” Ashlyn counters with a smile.

“Can’t be a good therapist without a good client, so you get just as much credit.” Ali says simply.

“And we’re doing an endless tango.” Ashlyn laughs.

“I’m good at that too, so don’t think you’ll win the dance-off.” Ali winks.

“Not even gonna try.” Ashlyn compromises and blows out a long deep breath. “This was was insane.”

“Complete madness.” Ali agrees lightly.

“Can’t say I expected to get to this point today, but I couldn’t have needed it more.” Ashlyn says sincerely. “I know I say it a lot, but I don’t have better words. Thank you, Alex.” She turns her body more and pulls Ali into a hug, feeling the brunette’s hands fan out across her back. “You make me feel like a new person every time.” She adds happily, pulling back just enough to find whiskey eyes.

“You’re welcome and I’m glad. Talking to you has been a really good thing for me too.” Ali admits openly before honing in on the last part of what Ashlyn said. “Just remember that you don’t have to be a new person. My goal here is just to learn exactly who you already are and help you appreciate and connect with that. The person you are is already perfectly great as is.” She gently pats the center of Ashlyn’s chest with her hand in the very tight space between them, her eyes locked onto now bright hazel green.

Ashlyn closes her eyes briefly before opening them and letting out a soft sigh. “You’re making it really hard not to kiss you right now.” She confesses even as her heart jumps, being candid with no expectations.

“But you’re not kissing me, and we roll with real.” Ali smirks and brings her hands up to softly hold the short-haired woman’s face on either side. “So apparently, I need to make it harder.” She moves in closer and waits, lips just an inch from Ashlyn’s.

Ashlyn shuts her eyes and inhales the warm air that was just exhaled from Ali’s mouth. She closes the distance, a deep flutter in her stomach as she makes contact with warm lips, her blood feeling like it’s rushing to her extremities.

Ali can hear her own heart pounding in her ears as she holds Ashlyn’s face more firmly, feeling like she might float away if she doesn’t hold onto something.

It lasts less than a minute, but it’s long enough for both women to feel like they’re going to pass out, long enough to leave them both a bit winded even though there’s no reason it should have.

“You have an event to get to.” Ali says with her forehead pressed to Ashlyn’s, smiling when she tastes the woman’s Carmex lip balm on her own lips. “Don’t keep the people waiting, Stanford.”

“I do like to make an awkwardly early entrance.” Ashlyn jokes and checks her watch as she stands up.

Ali stands up too, still pretty much in Ashlyn’s space, and looks her over. She reaches up to wipe the tiniest little smudge of eyeliner near the corner of Ashlyn’s right eye before using her thumb to wipe what is clearly some of her spit shining on the woman’s lips. “Better. And…” She reaches into both of Ashlyn’s coat pockets with her hands, finding what she’s looking for in the left one. “There ya go.” She puts the little tube of Carmex in Ashlyn’s hand with a nose crinkling smile.

“Am I that predictable already?” Ashlyn laughs with a dimpled grin at the brunette’s antics. Something about the simple action of Ali slipping her hands into her pockets makes absolutely everything feel like it’s going to be ok.

_That dimple is gonna kill me._ “Just a little.” Ali smirks and softly pecks her lips again. “Have a good night and a wonderful weekend, Ash.”

The simple peck feels almost as stunning as the longer kiss and Ashlyn finds herself standing there a bit dumbly with hooded eyes even as Ali is already walking away. “I already am!” She quickly calls out with a goofy grin on her face.

“Me too!” Ali calls back over her shoulder and keeps walking, smiling so wide her cheeks hurt in the cool air.

“I’m so fucking late.” Ashlyn groans to herself as she looks down at her watch one more time before just shrugging. Usually she hates being late, but she could care less right now, staying rooted to her spot on the pier until she can’t see Ali in the distance anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, how are we feeling about Sloane?
> 
> Also, if you haven't checked it out already...go read I Object by my dear friend buffalo1221 (she's an artful master) and this new story is flames!


	11. Sure You Can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for these ladies to reflect a bit on that last session with their people. And you'll meet a new character!  
As always, let me know what you think and have a fabulous start to the week :-)

Chapter 11 - Sure You Can

“There you are!” Crystal says in relief as Ashlyn hops into the back of the Escalade. “I was starting to worry that I read your text wrong about where to pick you up.”

“Sorry, minion.” Ashlyn says apologetically. “Things ran a little late with my session.”

“Not a problem for me, but I know you don’t like to be late. I can get you there in like 15 minutes though.” Crystal informs her as she pulls away from the curb. “Did you make food for her?” She eyes the familiar insulated bag Ashlyn just tossed onto the front seat.

“Thanks, I appreciate your psycho city driving now more than ever! And yes, she brought food last time, so it was my turn.” Ashlyn explains simply.

Crystal shakes her head knowingly at the insulated bag. “Oh Harris, giiirl, tell me you didn’t whip out the food thermoses?! We talked about this, it’s not sexy.”

“I did, asshole. And I’ll have you know that she said I was adorable and thought my food was amazing.” Ashlyn retorts.

“You have a charm all your own, boss lady.” Crystal teases.

“Pierre owns a picnic basket that he fills with brie and jam, so bite me.” Ashlyn gives it back to her.

“Touché, touché! Maybe you can buy him some of your fancy thermoses for Christmas.” Crystal sasses.

“Just for that, I think I will.” Ashlyn replies in defiance.

“You’re very cheeky tonight, I like it.” Crystal observes with a smirk. “So, it went ok? And you’re ok?” She checks in knowing Ashlyn was going to try and open up today to an extent that she never does. While Ashlyn once vaguely told her that Sloane showed up in California after the failed marriage proposal and that it ended traumatically, she doesn’t know any details and she’s never pried for them. She just knows it was bad enough for her to have majorly suffered for the last few years over it.

“I’m good, really good.” Ashlyn smiles. “It was hard, but I feel like I got somewhere very important. A really good place to launch from.”

“Dr. Love does it again. You know, I really like the effect she has on you.” Crystal takes in the serene look on Ashlyn’s face in the rearview mirror.”

“Me too.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly. “So, she’s Dr. Love now? Thought you guys were calling her Dr. Sex?”

“Well, you haven’t had sex yet. So, I changed it up!” Crystal says proudly.

“Fitting.” Ashlyn remarks before adding. “Except she’s not a doctor.”

“Well she’s clearly more competent at her job than most people I call doctor.” Crystal jokes with a shrug. “Sooo, care to elaborate on the ‘fitting’ comment? Cause you’re looking all lovesick puppy back there.”

“I kissed her again. Like really kissed her. And not because I was trying to sleep with her this time.” Ashlyn says directly and then lets out a little sigh. “I pretty much knew before, but yeah…Dr. Love indeed.”

“Hmph.” Crystal smiles.

“What?” Ashlyn asks at the small hum.

“You’re not the type to throw that word around.” Crystal notes. “I’m calling it now…you’re gonna marry that woman.”

“Easy there, minion. I can’t even date her.” Ashlyn quickly points out, feeling the ache of disappointment in her gut even as the words leave her mouth.

“Right, just like a poor white girl from nowhere Florida _can’t_ invent a social media app that changes the world and make bazillions doing it. Just like a homeless black chick from the hood _can’t_ get hired off the streets by said billionaire who buys her a luxury condo, car, and college education.” Crystal says pointedly. “Sure you can, boss lady. You’ve turned many impossibles into possibles, what’s one more? I got my money on you. Well, technically I have your money on you, but you get the point.” She adds with a laugh.

“You’re delusional, but I love you.” Ashlyn shakes her head, effectively ending the conversation before it gives her any false hope.

“Whatever. Just save me a place at the bridesmaid’s table.” Crystal makes sure to get the last word in about the topic as she pulls up to the entrance of the hotel. “The lecherous business people await, go get em’! I’ll just be home casually putting your thermoses in the dishwasher so they get ruined and you don’t look like a dork in front of a woman again.” She teases.

“You’re the worst, Dunn.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Best of the worst!” Crystal corrects with a smile. “Don’t drink too much and call me when you’re ready to be picked up.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Ashlyn plays back with an eye roll.

“You’re welcome, sweet pea!” Crystal blows her a kiss and winks.

\---------

“Excuse me for a minute.” Whitney says politely to the three programmers she’s talking to as soon as she catches sight of Ashlyn at the bar. By the time she crosses the room, Ashlyn is already scanning the crowd with a whiskey on the rocks in hand.

“Hey, Watson. How’s the room?” Ashlyn smiles at her best friend, trying to get a read on how things are going so far and whether whatever ideas this smaller tech company is pushing are worth it.

“Forget the room. How are you?” Whitney implores her, not quite able to read her expression and not sure what it means that she is already drinking. Normally, Ashlyn spends at least half an hour getting most of her networking and socializing over with before she even thinks to hit to the bar. The fact that she made a beeline for the bar as soon as she walked in is an anomaly.

“I’m great.” Ashlyn gives her a knowing look.

“Yeah? Did you…” Whitney trails off.

“I did. All in and all the way…all of it.” Ashlyn nods.

“Oh my gosh, so proud of you.” Whitney says a bit emotionally and squeezes Ashlyn’s arm lightly, knowing just how devastating it has been for her to talk about in the past. “And you’re ok? You don’t have to give me details, but it went ok?”

“I have a lot to process still, but I’m wonderful.” Ashlyn says loosely before giving a little more information. “You know how you’ve always kept telling me that I shouldn’t put blame on myself for a situation that never should’ve happened?”

“Yeah.” Whitney nods.

“I get. I finally fucking get it.” Ashlyn smiles and meets Whitney’s eyes. “She got me there somehow.”

“I don’t even know that woman, but I love her.” Whitney says happily and leans in for a quick side hug.

“Preaching to the choir.” Ashlyn shoots her a look.

“Duh, Sherlock. It’s all over your face and in your voice. Probably in other places too, but I don’t wanna know about that.” Whitney jokes.

“And you’ve clearly spent waaaaay too much time around Pinoe already tonight.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“How can I not? She’s like a flea.” Whitney chortles.

“Speaking of the bloodsucker.” Ashlyn says loudly as Megan approaches.

“Oh wench, you did not call me a flea again?!” Megan accuses Whitney who just smirks. “About time you showed up, Butch.” She nudges Ashlyn. “Their finance guy actually seems to have a clue, so maybe we’ll get somewhere with this after all. I leave the true assessment of their genius business plan to you two though.” She fills them in.

“The programmers seem to be solid so far, but I haven’t made my way over to the CEO yet. Was waiting for you to see if you want to break the ice with her yourself, Sherlock.” Whitney adds.

“Woah, hold up…” Megan interrupts the conversation. “You really just got here?” She motions to the drink in Ashlyn’s hand and notes the very relaxed expression on her face. “Is that like a celebratory drink?” She narrows her eyes.

“You could call it that.” Ashlyn lifts her glass and clinks it against Megan’s beer bottle.

“Yes, Butch!!!” Megan happily throws her arm around Ashlyn’s shoulders. “I fucking love you, you know that? You’re crushing this thing and I’m stoked!”

“How many drinks has she had?” Ashlyn asks Whitney playfully.

“Not nearly enough.” Whitney sasses.

“Says the uptight, CTO!” Megan rolls her eyes and turns back to Ashlyn. “You alright, Ash? For real?”

“I am. Way better than alright actually.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Details later, but keep in it your pants.” Megan jibes at the way Ashlyn’s eyes seem to twinkle. “Wooo, this night is on fire!” She takes a long sip of her beer.

“Speaking of nights on fire, how did last night go with Sue? Did you hold up your end of the bargain?” Ashlyn ignores the teasing and eyes her expectantly.

“Ha, did I hold up my end of the bargain?!” Megan grins cockily. “You tell me.” She points across the room to a stunning woman in a red dress.

“Holy fuck! Is that…” Ashlyn can’t believe her eyes when she realizes it’s Sue.

“Hayseed? Hell yes it is, and she is hot! Also, she’s with me.” Megan announces proudly.

“What did you do to her?” Ashlyn asks, still in shock at the transformation.

“Oh she’s not nearly as small town as she would lead one to believe. As for what I did to her… that’s a conversation for when we’re not in public.” Megan waggles her eyebrows.

“Ugh, for fuck’s sake. Clearly, I’m the one who needs more drinks.” Whitney cringes.

“Alright, alright, play time over.” Ashlyn warns before the two of them really start launching into their typical tit-for-tat banter battle that never ends.

“Right, game on.” Whitney agrees. “Financial officer is on the left, their CEO is that woman in the power suit at the middle bar, and I’ll go back to the programmers who are still being antisocial in the right corner. Shall we invoke the power of the flying V?” She throws out her best _Mighty Ducks_ movie reference.

“Heck yes! Quack, quack, quack…” Ashlyn laughs as she starts the chant and begins walking away from the bar.

“Wait, Harris!” Megan calls out before Ashlyn gets too far and sees her look back expectantly. “Might wanna wipe the heart-eyes emoji off your face first.”

Ashlyn just shoots her a glaring look, only to feel Whit nudge her.

“She’s not wrong.” Whitney smirks. “I’m loving this Krieger woman right now, but she does nothing for your fierce intimidating vibe.”

“I was actually planning to go for so irresistible that she practically offers to work with us for a minimal profit margin.” Ashlyn motions to the CEO Whitney pointed out, the woman certainly looking like she has potential to be charmed.

“Well damn, Sherlock is getting her groove back!” Whitney beams. She hasn’t seen this completely poised side of her best friend in years.

“I think I just might be.” Ashlyn affirms with a smirk and straightens her tie, feeling unstoppable as she gets down to business.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

“Ali-gator!” A familiar voice yells as a person leaps off the couch towards Ali before she’s even fully in the door.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Ali puts a hand over her heart even as her best friend pulls her into a crushing hug. “You scared the fucking shit out of me, Syd! What are you doing here?” She blinks in confusion and tries to calm her racing heart from the surprise.

“Nice to see you too, lovey dovey.” Syd kisses her cheek. “Kyle picked us up from the airport and let me in. Dom went to go have a drink with his buddy Paul, so it’s just me.” She explains casually.

“I’m so confused.” Ali furrows her brow and finally puts her purse down. “I’m really happy you’re here! Just, aren’t you supposed to be in Bora Bora…or like on your way home from there?” She looks at her former Harvard roommate curiously as she tries to figure it out. They had last talked three weeks ago before Sydney left on a long vacation.

“You’re not wrong.” Syd smiles and plops herself back down on the couch with Ali in tow. “Our flight home to Chicago was supposed to go through D.C., but that got all messed up. So, we had the option of a 3-hour layover in Atlanta or a 10-hour layover in NYC. Obviously, we picked NYC and figured we’d surprise you. I called Kyle yesterday and he was nice enough to help. So, you get me for like 6 hours, ta-dah!”

“Despite you practically making me pee myself from shock, I’m so glad you’re here. I missed you!” Ali pulls Syd into a tight hug from beside her on the couch. “So, tell me everything! How was trip?”

“Missed you too, Ali-gator.” Syd gets comfy and tucks her feet under Ali’s thigh like usual. “It was A-MAZING! You have to go someday, that place was something out of this world. Those over-water bungalows are everything you’d imagine and then some.”

“Sounds awesome.” Ali smiles and then narrows her eyes at her friend’s over the top cheesy grin. “Ok, what are you not telling me?”

“Just that I had the orgasm of my life… over and over again.” Syd smirks.

“Ahhh, you finally took my damn advice and told him?!” Ali squeals excitedly as Syd nods. “Only took you like a decade to tell your husband that he needs to leave his damn tongue on your clit until you tell him to move!”

“I know, I know!” Syd relents. “I just didn’t want to make him feel bad or give him a complex or something.”

“And did you?” Ali challenges with a quirked eyebrow.

“Fine…no.” Syd huffs in defeat. “You were right, he was perfectly fine with the feedback and really damn thrilled to watch me thrash around in that bungalow like a fish out of water when he got it right.” She laughs in a loud cackle.

“See! Seriously, what good is a sex therapist best friend if you’re not gonna listen to her advice?” Ali rubs it in.

“Ok, ok, you won! Give it up!” Syd throws her hands up.

“So, it was really good?” Ali presses for the dirt.

“Oh my god, sooo good! Life changing! So good that…uh…it led to a pretty deep conversation in the afterglow.” Syd says coyly. “We agreed we’re ready to have kids.”

“Oh babes, I’m so happy for you.” Ali pulls her into another hug, knowing just how much Syd has always wanted kids, but has struggled to pull the trigger on actually having them. She owns a very successful marketing firm in Chicago and has always waivered on letting go of being fully focused on her career.

“I really am ready. I think I just needed that intimate push to get me there for some reason.” Syd squeezes Ali a little closer. “Thanks, Als, could never do it without you.”

“Of course you could, but I do a good job of kicking your ass into gear anyway.” Ali keeps the moment light, especially after just getting back from another emotionally intense session with Ashlyn.

“You do, and I love you for it.” Syd agrees. “So, I’ve been here for like an hour already. Where were you?”

“Sorry, I had a client session.” Ali explains.

“Oh yes, Kyle mentioned you took on another surrogate case?” Syd asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yep, vaginismus. Couldn’t stay away.” Ali shrugs with a little laugh.

“Tell me you washed your hands.” Syd teases with a cringe.

“I always do, jerk. But it was only the 4th session, nowhere near that part yet.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“Uh huh.” Syd looks her up and down. “And you went looking like that?” She openly judges Ali’s casual appearance. “Cause last time I checked, you would never dress like that for Ruby Rose. And apparently, we have a Ruby Rose-type hottie in the house. I know I taught you better style skills than this.”

“Fucking Kyle…can never keep his damn mouth shut.” Ali grumbles.

“And that’s why I love him, it’s his best quality really.” Syd laughs. “You would’ve spilled eventually, babe.”

“Yeah, I know.” Ali admits, knowing damn well she tells Syd just about everything on their catch up calls. “And I’ll have you know that she told me that I looked ‘stunningly beautiful’ today even dressed down.” She makes air quotes with her fingers. “And she made me the best meatballs on the planet, so suck it.”

“Oh giiirl! Well she sounds smooth as fuck. And also really sweet.” Syd eyes Ali knowingly. “And Kyle was right…you are in so fucking deep, honey.”

“What exactly did he tell you?” Ali questions nervously.

“Not a lot, promise. Just that you have a new hottie-maybe-celeb client that you are really sexually attracted to and really gaga for.” Syd tells her matter-of-factly.

“Yeah that about sums it up.” Ali tilts her head back against the couch.

“Is this a bad thing?” Syd questions with her head cocked to the side. “Cause under 40, good looking, and emotionally engaging sounds pretty amazing to me. Lord knows I don’t know how you do what you do with the clients you get sometimes. But I’m getting the vibe that you think this is bad, sooo spill it.”

“It’s not bad at all, just different.” Ali tries to describe it, giving Syd a very basic rundown before bringing it back to where they started. “This hasn’t happened before with a client. I feel myself getting pulled in and I have no idea where the end of it is.”

“And why does there have to be an end?” Syd tosses out casually.

“There’s always a line, Syd. There has to be an end.” Ali says resolutely.

“See, I don’t think that’s true.” Syd narrows her eyes.

“I can’t date her.” Ali shuts down where she knows her best friend is going.

“Sure you can. But tell me why not?” Syd presses.

“Because it’s not right and it’s not fair.” Ali says a bit defensively. “My job is to help someone dig deep and find their own way of healing from a very buried trauma that is blocking them from progressing the way that they want to in relationships. Learning the very personal things I do about them, getting them to trust me enough to be vulnerable with their emotions and their bodies… that puts me in a position of power. One that I could never take advantage of. It would never be fair to take advantage of this safe space I created with them for my own benefit. And certainly not fair to keep them from thriving with their new found confidence in a relationship with someone else. I could never rob someone of experiencing for themselves that they’ve actually found healing and peace not just with me, but in general.”

“But what about your feelings?” Syd raises an eyebrow.

“They don’t matter really.” Ali counters. “I have to be open to my feelings and honest about them. My feelings help structure and build the connection with my clients, but there’s a line. Some lines go further than others, but there’s always a line and an end. I can’t have any real relationship with her outside of therapy.” She reiterates.

“Can’t or won’t?” Syd challenges, but doesn’t wait for a reply. “Look, you know I love you, Alexandra. And I think what you do is as truly inspired as it is crazy. But honey, even you have you to admit that you draw big bold lines in places that everyone else just sees blurred and fuzzy ones. All I’m saying is that maybe you don’t always have to draw such bold lines. Enjoy the blur of what you do when the situation calls for it.”

“Blurry is messy.” Ali shrugs as she thinks it over. “Messy isn’t good or clinical.”

“Messy can be great.” Syd replies. “I mean, how do you know that someone isn’t meant to thrive with you?”

“I don’t, I guess. People are usually able to thrive with others, but more importantly they need to be given the chance and encouraged to try outside of a controlled and created environment. Hence, there is always an end.” Ali explains.

“Fair point, but let me just say that I think you need to open to the possibility of no end. You don’t treat every client the same because they aren’t the same. So, you shouldn’t treat every situation the same because it isn’t the same. And I’m not necessarily saying that this is gonna be that one very unique situation, but it sure sounds like it is. And I think you need to be more open to it not closing up so neatly. Don’t get so focused on drawing lines that you discard what your heart is telling you, that’s all I’m saying.” Syd says pointedly.

“Yeah ok, I hear you.” Ali concedes minimally.

“Stubborn.” Syd lightly swats her and gets a laugh. “You know what I think you need?”

“What’s that?” Ali sighs lightly.

“A sex therapist.” Syd smiles.

“I _am_ a sex therapist.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“Oh but I have a very specific one in mind. I think you should talk to that Mark guy.” Syd suggests.

“Mark? Why would I talk to him?” Ali questions in confusion at why the woman is suggesting she talk to one of her sex surrogate colleagues that she doesn’t converse with much or even like for that matter.

“Because even though you’re the best out there, maybe he has a bit better perspective on this particular situation than you do.” Syd gives her a meaningful look.

“Oh god no, I’m not talking to him about that!” Ali throws her hands up.

“Why not? Did or did he not marry his client?” Syd asks.

“Yes, and I’m not marrying mine!” Ali argues.

“Well maybe not, but at least you can agree to date her. See, now we’re getting somewhere!” Syd announces playfully.

“I can’t date her!” Ali repeats yet again.

“Sure you can.” Syd waves her off. “But I’m just gonna leave that planted seed right there for now because we’re just going in circles. Were you this stubborn at Harvard?”

“Probably.” Ali groans.

“Must be why I like you so much.” Syd laughs and goes over to Ali’s wine cabinet, grabbing a bottle of red. “Wine?”

“Ugh, yeeees.” Ali tilts her head back against the couch again. “I’m still not agreeing, but I hate your stupid irrationally rational arguments sometimes.”

“That’s my job, babe. I do know how to sell things.” Syd winks as she pours two large glasses. “Now drink up and tell your girl whatever you can about this lovely human being you’re all gaga about.”

“I’m not gaga!” Ali scoffs as she accepts a glass of wine from Syd just who shoots her a skeptical look. “Thank you.” She finally says softly with a smile after taking a large gulp.

“Anytime. I’m not the only one who needs to listen to my bestie about trusting in what my clit wants.” Syd guffaws and nudges her lightly.

“Ugh, I definitely deserved that one.” Ali lets out a combined groan and giggle, downing the rest of the glass of wine before filling her best friend in just a bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do we like Syd and her advice?  
Next chapter coming Weds night!


	12. Let's Talk About...Skills (Session 5 - Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the start of session 5! There will be a significant decision made by the end of this session, but this is the lighter front end of it. Hope you all have a great end of the week :-)  
As always, let me know your thoughts!

Session 5 (Part 1) - Let’s Talk About...Skills

Ashlyn stretches her back and shakes out her arms before pulling off the sweat-soaked t-shirt that’s clinging to her torso. She tosses it into the laundry room and heads up the stairs to grab a shower. Her muscles beg for rest as she makes it to the top, but it’s a satisfying ache that only comes from pushing herself to the max during her workout. She stops in her bedroom to grab her phone so she can text Ali, smiling when she sees that the brunette has managed to text her first.

_Alex Krieger: Happy Sunday! I forgot last session to confirm location for Tuesday. Supposed to be pretty chilly out and our topic goal for the day is one that people usually find somewhat less intense, but better discussed in private. So, your place like before or do you want meet somewhere else?_

_Ashlyn: Great minds, was just about to text you the same question. My place is great if that works for you. But now I’m curious, what’s the topic for the session?_

_Alex Krieger: Perfect, your place 4pm as usual. And a musical clue for you… song.mp3 _

Ashlyn presses the little play button on the sound clip Ali sent and chuckles loudly as Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ fills the air.

_Ashlyn: Nice touch, Harvard. So, sex huh? Hmmm, didn’t see that one coming at all ;-) Does this count as sexting?_

_Alex Krieger: I try. And probably!_

_Ashlyn: Great, so I can add this conversation to the list of talking points for Tuesday._

_Alex Krieger: Such a smart ass, Stanford._

_Ashlyn: I try. See you Tuesday when I show you my hidden sex den._

_Alex Krieger: She’s got lots of jokes! See you Tuesday, Ash. Have a great evening/night._

_Ashlyn: Not just jokes, the best jokes. You too, Alex. _

\--------

“Hi.” Ashlyn can’t help the wide grin on her face as soon as the elevator door opens to reveal her favorite whiskey eyes and radiant smile. _One of these days she’s gonna make my heart stop completely._

“Hey you.” Ali steps off the elevator and gives Ashlyn a hug. “I gotta say that I missed this place.” She laughs lightly, taking a quick glance around the penthouse. “And it appears we’ve finally reached a state of equilibrium”. She motions to Ashlyn’s outfit of black slim-fitting jeans and a soft gray sweatshirt, taking off her coat to reveal her own outfit of black leggings and a long gray cashmere sweater. So far one of them has usually been somewhat more dressed up or done up than the other, but today they’re pretty even.

“Here, let me take your coat.” Ashlyn quickly takes it and hangs it on the hooks near the elevator before turning back to the brunette. “And yeah, we’re pretty much twinning.”

“Well I do have a remarkable fashion sense, so it makes sense that you’d copy me.” Ali teases.

“I’d reply to that, but my grandma taught me that if you don’t have anything nice to say…” Ashlyn smirks.

Ali puts her hand on her chest and opens her mouth slightly, pretending to be offended. “So much for you being sweet.”

“I’m kidding.” Ashlyn smiles. “You look beautiful, Alex. You always do.” The words easily roll off her tongue in an affectionate tone.

The genuine compliment paired with the way hazel green eyes look at her so warmly, a tiny spark of fire in them, is enough to make the heat rise into Ali’s cheeks. “There she is. See, I knew you were sweet. You look amazing yourself.” Ali smiles and follows the short-haired woman towards the couch.

“Well thank you.” Ashlyn sits down the couch, with Ali settling about a foot away, the space between them comfortable.

“What’s all this?” Ali looks at the little spread on the coffee table.

“Oh, well, I figured you probably didn’t want to eat dinner at 4pm every time we meet. And you said the conversation for this session wouldn’t be super intense. So, I went middle-of-the-road with some snacks. Homemade Chex mix, pretzels and strawberries with Nutella dip, and those chocolate chip cookies you liked so much before. Oh, and your usual sparkling water.” Ashlyn explains.

_She made Chex mix? How fucking cute is that?!_ “Homemade Chex mix? Seriously, you have to realize how adorable you are.” Ali nudges her sweetly.

“Chex mix is adorable?” Ashlyn laughs. “Can’t say I’ve heard that before, but I’ll take it. Apparently thermoses are adorable too, so I have a lot to learn.”

“Free lesson, any woman who doesn’t think you’re adorable for making homemade Chex mix is absolutely not worth your time.” Ali says resolutely.

“Noted. You’re the Dumbledore to my Harry Potter.” Ashlyn bows slightly and laughs. “Anyway, dig in and make yourself at home. Let me know if I can get you anything besides water.”

“This is great, thank you.” Ali smiles. “And really, Dumbledore?” She scrunches her nose.

“Um, the Plato to my Aristotle?” Ashlyn tries again.

“Very philosophical, Stanford, but how come I have to be a bearded guy?” Ali raises an eyebrow. “Can’t I just be the Hermione to your Harry Potter?”

“That’ll work.” Ashlyn chuckles. “But if we’re going that route, I’d rather you be the Ginny Weasley to my Harry Potter.” The flirty statement is out there before she can stop herself.

“Look at you, all bold and intrepid today! I like it.” Ali lightly taps Ashlyn’s knee even as the woman turns red.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… just slipped out.” Ashlyn says a bit sheepishly. The brunette has a way of making her simultaneously nervous and confident, both in the best way possible.

“Not so bold after all then.” Ali teases a bit and watches Ashlyn shake her head with a smile. “Bold is good as long as you mean it, Stanford.”

“Right.” Ashlyn nods. “Well I rarely say things I don’t mean.”

“I’ve noticed. Same goes for me, but I’m sure you knew that already.” Ali reaches over and takes the woman’s hand to establish some contact between them as has become commonplace now. “Should we get started?”

“Yep, I’m ready.” Ashlyn replies, appreciative of the way the brunette always seems to perfectly read the atmosphere as if she could read her mind. “So, do you want me to fill you in on what sex is like for me now? Or maybe explain what it was like before the problems? Is that what we’re getting at today? You tell me.” She tries to approach it head on, but it comes out in a barrage of questions.

“Woah, down girl.” Ali says playfully. “I haven’t even had any Chex mix yet. Let’s just chat a bit away from the topic and see where it takes us. Just ease into the conversation. Ok?”

“Right, foreplay.” Ashlyn lets out a little laugh, her cheeks flushed again as Ali catches her a bit off guard. “Always a good idea.”

“Exactly. Now we’re on the same page.” Ali squeezes the woman’s hand again to relax her. “How was your event the other night?” She asks to set the tone and get them going.

“It was so good!” Ashlyn sits up straighter, her sudden movement and animated voice making Ali jump slightly in surprise. “Sorry.” She smiles apologetically when she feels the brunette startle.

“Totally ok.” Ali laughs. “Just wasn’t expecting such a lively response. I thought you said these events were usually boring and sucked. Definitely doesn’t sound like it sucked.”

“Well they usually do, but this one didn’t. Let me backtrack.” Ashlyn tries to explain the reason for her level of excitement. “When we first started doing these events, they were always exciting and positive. I mean, you’re this big name and established tech company, a social media giant. And these events are mainly newer tech companies trying to find some kind of funding or foothold to launch from. There was always this element of wanting to pay-it-forward, you know? Trying to help bring along these newer companies that are exactly where you once were. It was such a positive thing to go and share ideas, be a mentor, and in some cases go into business with these start-ups and programmers.”

“I bet it felt really good to help people along and I’m sure it also gave you a sense of accomplishment about how far you’ve come.” Ali says with understanding and sees Ashlyn nod. “So why do these events suck now?”

“I’m just so jaded about them now. Things have changed a lot in the last few years and it just isn’t the same.” Ashlyn replies with a bit of a frown. “The programmers get younger and younger, some haven’t even gone to college. And while that isn’t necessarily a bad thing… it’s just, they expect something for nothing these days. Many of them just talk about these big ideas without having done anything to even minimally determine if they would work. They have no true business plan or pathway laid out. They just expect you to listen to their big idea and make it all happen for them.” Ashlyn says flatly. “And I feel like such an old fart saying this, but they really haven’t paid their dues at all or put any significant time into the industry that would make you have any confidence in what they promise. It wasn’t like that before, but now these events are almost all like that and it’s really disappointing.”

“Hmph, that does sound pretty craptastic.” Ali considers it. “So then why was this last one so good? Good start-up company?”

“Well, you know how I was kind of working on this new idea?” Ashlyn reminds the brunette.

“The one you said you were going to run by Whitney first?” Ali clarifies.

“Yep.” Ashlyn confirms. “Whit and I agreed that it was a marketable and unique, but the effort it would take to make it work might not be worth it. We would need to get into large database manipulation, something we haven’t done. And then we would still have to add a lot of programmatic features. We had pretty much let the whole idea go, but then Friday’s event happened. It was this smaller tech company that is already working on some app development, one of which is big database information retrieval and sharing. All of it is perfect timing and we’re officially going into business together. Even better, they agreed to go into it with the limited database role. So, the product, programming, and output belongs to our company with theirs providing just database support. They earn a name for themselves, and we stay at a high profit margin of 70% to their 30%. If all goes well, we’ll partner on other projects together with a greater level of profit sharing.”

“Wow, congratulations! That does sound really promising and exciting.” Ali replies with enthusiasm, genuinely happy for her and unable to get enough of the little twinkle in her eyes as she talks about it.

“It is. And all thanks to you.” Ashlyn smiles proudly.

“Me? Why me?” Ali asks in befuddlement.

“I usually go into these events now just trying to get in and out as quickly as possible; mostly for the reasons I just told you.” Ashlyn shrugs. “But also in part because of the ways I’ve changed over the last few years. The Sloane thing did a number on my confidence and that spilled beyond my personal life into my professional life. Even when a one of these start-ups seems promising, I just don’t have it in me to try and win people over for the best possible business deal. So, I usually go in there and rush through the required socializing. I briefly talk to some of the programmers since they generally have the least to say. I get a sense for the company based on that, talk to anyone else if I absolutely have to…but mostly just make a quick round to exchange basic pleasantries before I grab some food and drinks and head out. Sometimes Whit and I will tag team talking with the CEO and other times I just avoid the CEO completely.”

“Still don’t see what that has to do with me.” Ali doesn’t follow.

“It was completely different Friday night. I was completely different. I went in there feeling so good and so confident. Confident like the old me, but in a completely new way too. You make me feel that way.” Ashlyn locks onto whiskey eyes. “Being able to tell you all that past stuff has been so good for me, but it’s more than that. It’s the way you see and understand me, far beyond the things I actually tell you. And you don’t tell me what I want to hear or handle me in any way. You just tell me what you see and think and you help me understand myself in ways I never could before. You take things I’ve struggled with and lay them out so logically without pushing me to accept or reject anything. It’s like I can suddenly view it all in a new light and learn about myself on a deeper level. I feel like a million bucks after I’ve talked to you. Anyway, so I went in there Friday night with that amazing feeling…I grabbed a drink, worked that room, and charmed a CEO like I hadn’t attempted to do in years. And boom, amazing business venture on the horizon. All thanks to you.” Ashlyn smiles and rubs little circles on the top of the brunette’s hand with her thumb.

Ali takes in all in for a few seconds before smirking at Ashlyn. “Are you sure it wasn’t that kiss? It was a really damn good kiss.”

“Might’ve been that too.” Ashlyn chuckles a bit shyly as the heat rises into her face, amused by the brunette’s response even as her stomach flutters. “You live to throw me off my game, don’t you?”

“Kind of.” Ali gives her satisfied smile. “But only because I’m teaching you a new game. And the new game is that there is no game at all, just simple truth. Was I wrong though? Was it not a great kiss?”

Ashlyn shakes her head, looking down at her feet with a goofy grin on her face. “It was better than great…best kiss of my life.” She admits openly before it dawns on her how pathetic it must sound for your sex therapist to be your best kiss. “I mean…” She sighs and tries to find the words to explain herself better, not wanting to backtrack on the statement because it was true despite being a bit embarrassing.

“Sloane kind of meant the most, you know…but like I told you, deep down it hurt too because I knew she didn’t fully mean it the way I did. It was right and it also wasn’t right at all. With you, there were so many powerful emotions before it happened…good ones, and it built up so nicely. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kiss someone in a moment as much as I did you the other night. And it was like you knew it and could feel me. And you made your intentions clear, but you still let me stay in control of it. Women don’t do that with me, they always just go for it. I don’t know why, but I’ve never gotten to kiss anyone before they kissed me first. Kissing you…I guess it felt like you truly wanted me to kiss you, but you still let me choose it, and that felt so good to me in ways I can’t explain. The emotions behind it, the moment it stemmed from… I just… it was the best by far.” Ashlyn blows out a breath and looks up to find Ali listening attentively with a little smile on her lips. “And that was way too much when I should’ve just agreed that it was a really great kiss.” She rolls her eyes at herself.

“Never too much.” Ali says sweetly while she squeezes Ashlyn’s hand. “But that’s exactly why I never say any kiss is the best kiss of my life. Every kiss happens within its own circumstances, emotions, and life timing. And each happens with a different person who brings something unique to it. How can one even begin to compare them really? So, I don’t.”

“Your brain operates on such a different level. Maybe I should’ve gone to Harvard.” Ashlyn jokes.

“I’ll remember you said that, Stanford.” Ali leans in to nudge her with her shoulder.

“I’ll deny it.” Ashlyn laughs. “Alright, now I’m curious. So, what exactly do you say if you never say it’s the best kiss of your life?”

“I say that you’re absolutely right. I really wanted to kiss you…I wanted you to kiss me. I say that it was the most I have ever wanted someone to kiss me. It had so much depth and feeling behind. I felt like there was more exchanged physically than could be expressed verbally. I’m big on verbalizing, so that’s extremely rare. I say that you are a phenomenal kisser, immensely passionate but also gentle…your lips are impossibly soft. And I say that it made my weekend and that I’m already really looking forward to the next one because I’m pretty damn sure they’re just going to get better.” Ali replies with complete candor.

_Holy fuck._ “Whew, ok then.” Ashlyn lets out a long breath, trying to calm her swirling mind. “Can I just ask…I mean, I know we’ve sort of talked about the feelings thing and I made sure with Nancy too. But just, is this normal?” Ashlyn motions between the two of them with her free hand and gives the brunette a nervous smile.

“Yes.” Ali smiles back reassuringly. “And also no.”

“Fucking killing me with your mysteries, Harvard.” Ashlyn throws her head back with a little laugh.

“It is absolutely normal and typical for intense feelings to happen here.” Ali elaborates. “But also, there is no normal. Every person is different, every connection is unique. Whatever happens here…good, bad, or ugly, we roll with it. No normal, just real. And like I told you before, this may be new for you, but it’s also really new for me in many ways. We’re both human and we feel both things, in this case a lot of deep things. And I see that as positive. Ok?”

_Did she just admit… _“Ok.” Ashlyn nods in relief before honing in on the brunette’s words and feeling brave enough to ask. “Both of us?” She eyes Ali meaningfully.

“Both of us.” Ali replies freely.

“Right. Good.” Ashlyn tries hard not to smile so big, but knows she’s failing when she can feel her own dimple appear on her face.

“Right.” Ali stifles a giggle at the goofy grin the short-haired woman is giving her and just squeezes her hand gently again. “Sooo, that wasn’t quite the light conversation starter I had in mind. For someone who claims that I throw them off their game, you’re pretty skilled at that yourself, Ash.” She teases.

“I swear I’m better at foreplay than this!” Ashlyn jokes back. “You have to take some blame though, you started it with that whole kiss comment.”

“Yeah, yeah. I admittedly poked the deep conversation bear that time.” Ali concedes with smirk. “Shall we start again?”

“Good plan.” Ashlyn agrees. “So, Friday night was great. That kiss was beyond great. Moving on!”

“Alright, how about bizarre talents. That’s always a fun topic.” Ali redirects.

“Bizarre talents?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, like is there anything odd or kind of unique that you can do?” The brunette rephrases.

“Oh. Hmmm…” Ashlyn takes a second to think about it. “Well, I don’t know if I’d call them bizarre exactly, but I have a few idiosyncrasies.”

“I have a feeling this is going to be really fun.” Ali lets go of Ashlyn’s hand to rub her own hands together expectantly. “Hit me with the skills, Stanford. Let’s see what you got.”

“Well, it’s more of like a bar trick or something…but if you tell me any specific date, I can tell you what day of the week it was.” Ashlyn claims.

“Really?” Ali eyes the woman curiously.

“Really.” Ashlyn confirms. “What’s your birthdate?”

“July 28, 1985.” Ali answers.

Ashlyn takes a few seconds before speaking. “Sunday. You were born on a Sunday.”

“Hang on, I don’t actually know what day of the week I was born.” Ali pulls out her phone and Googles it. “Huh, no shit. It was in fact a Sunday.” She holds her phone up with an impressed look on her face. “How do you do that?”

“It’s actually just a math calculation. It’s a little complex, but once you practice it your brain can do the math pretty fast.” Ashlyn reveals. “I could teach you.”

“As cool as that is, there is a reason I went into the social sciences. Math is not my thing, hate it actually. I would’ve made a terrible economist or finance person, good thing I switched plans.” Ali shrugs.

“And you call yourself a Harvard graduate.” Ashlyn jibes her.

“Bite me, Stanford.” The brunette sticks her tongue out. “Okay, what else can you do?”

“No way. You next.” Ashlyn insists.

“Alright, well mine aren’t that cool. I’m pretty good at yoga since I’ve been doing it for a long time with not being able to get into intense cardio because of the lingering breathing problems. I’ve mastered the two hardest poses.” Ali divulges.

“You can’t just say that and not give me a demonstration.” Ashlyn crosses her arms and leans back against the couch expectantly. “I actually don’t know much about yoga, so, educate me.”

“Good thing I wore leggings.” Ali says as she gets up from the couch and finds a spot on the living room floor with some open space. “This is an Eight-Angle pose, pretty difficult.” She informs before putting her palms flat on the ground, bending her elbows at a 90 angle and lifting the rest of her body up so she’s just supported by her arms. She stretches both her legs out to her left side so that they’re perfectly parallel to the floor with her left arm in between them, only then picking her head up to smile at Ashlyn.

“Pretty impressive.” Ashlyn nods nonchalantly, appreciating how much strength it takes to hold one’s weight steady like that. Still it doesn’t seem all that complicated beyond the strength part of it.

“That was the easier one.” Ali gets out of the pose and stands up, winking at Ashlyn as she shakes out her arms and legs a few times. “This one is considered highest difficulty, Forearm-Stand Scorpion pose.” She announces and takes a deep breath before once again leaning down to put her palms flat on the ground. This time she also puts her forearms against the ground and then begins lifting her legs straight up in the air.

Ashlyn watches with intrigue, again, not finding it all that complicated as Ali just seems to be in a forearm supported handstand. That is until the brunette’s legs slowly start curling down towards her head, her back arching in a way that seems impossible.

“Holy fucking shit! Oh my god!” Ashlyn exclaims in disbelief, her jaw dropping open as Ali’s toes touch the back of her head, her body curled backwards into an o-shape while just supported by her forearms. _Well that could come in handy. _Her mind can’t help but go right into the gutter as her mouth goes a bit dry.

Ali does all she can not to laugh at the reaction so that she doesn’t hurt herself, uncurling her legs carefully and finally letting out a giggle when her feet are back on the ground. “Ta-da!” She gives a little bow and then walks back to the couch where Ashlyn is still looking shocked.

“Wow…just damn. Wow! Impressed is so not adequate enough.” Ashlyn reaches out to high-five the brunette. “That was like elite level gymnastic ability right there. You’re so… uh…limber.” The word comes out in a slightly squeaky voice.

“Thank you. Yeah, limber…let’s go with that.” Ali replies with a smug smile at the higher octave of the woman’s voice. “And I’ll pretend like I don’t see that lustful gleam in your eyes right now.” She can’t help but point it out.

“Busted.” Ashlyn smiles coyly. “That obvious?”

“Very.” Ali laughs.

“Oh come on, Harvard, your mind would be in the same place if I was the one bending myself like that!” Ashlyn challenges.

“It absolutely would, never said it wouldn’t be.” Ali frankly admits with another smirk on her face. “Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna call you out, Stanford.”

“Like I said, you live to throw me off my game!” Ashlyn throws her hands up playfully.

“Speaking of game, what else you got?” Ali gets them back on track.

“Ok yoga hotshot, I’m pulling out the big guns.” Ashlyn says cockily and points to a little basket in the corner of the library room area. “There’s a pile of New York Times newspapers over there from the last couple weeks, pick any one of them.”

Ali nods, walking over and grabbing the first one her hand touches in the middle of the pile. “What, do you remember every news story headline or something?” She questions as she sits back down on the couch.

“Nope.” Ashlyn says simply and takes the newspaper, opening it up to the crossword page and reaching for a pencil on the coffee table. “Take out your phone and time me. Less than 10 minutes.” She asserts and waits to be told to start.

“No way.” Ali says skeptically, knowing that these are among the hardest crosswords out there and even very intelligent people take hours to complete them.

“Time me.” Ashlyn repeats confidently and watches Ali shrug.

“Ok, go!” Ali starts the woman off and watches carefully. Ashlyn’s hand moves around small area quickly writing letters into the tiny squares even as her eyes dart around the page. She briefly pauses a few times, occasionally erasing a few letters before writing again. _Could she be any more lovable?_ Ali smiles, completely enchanted by the way Ashlyn’s tongue sticks out a bit, her brow furrowed in concentration. She’s so captivated that she gets startled when Ashlyn’s head pops up.

“Done.” Ashlyn announces with swagger as she drops the pencil onto the coffee table.

“No fucking way.” Ali finds herself repeating again, her eyes bugging out when she sees that it took 6 minutes and 48 seconds according to her phone timer.

“Read it and weep.” Ashlyn chuckles, handing Ali the newspaper so the brunette can see that it’s not just random letters filled in.

“Hold on a sec.” Ali still can’t believe it, using her phone to Google the solution to the crossword. It only takes her a few minutes before she verifies the entire thing is correct. “How the hell is that even possible?! I know you’re a computer whiz, but this is like certified mastermind! I know some people have a mind for history and trivia, but this is insane. I mean, ‘Rubber from the Middle East?’” Ali points to one of the clues. “I don’t even get the clue and somehow you knew the answer was Aladdin…in like 10 seconds no less. How?”

“Nah, nowhere near a whiz.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Yes, I know a lot of random stuff because I read a lot, but truthfully, it’s another one of those practice things. A lot of it is finding patterns in the letters. I’m a programmer, it’s natural for me to see patterns in repeated numbers, letters, and symbols.” She explains modestly. “So sometimes I don’t even have to read the clues to figure out the answers. And then some of it is thinking outside the box. That Aladdin one I actually knew. He rubs the magic lamp and he’s Middle Eastern. So, rubber from the Middle East.”

“Nope. You’re still a genius.” Ali still can’t believe it.

“Well, you did pick an easy weekday puzzle. Had you picked a Saturday one, it would’ve taken me closer to 9 minutes.” Ashlyn winks.

“Programmers don’t have a lot of friends, do they?” Ali teases.

“Nope. And way too much time on our hands between projects obviously.” Ashlyn laughs. “Now you know the secret behind my talents.”

“It’s all so much clearer now.” Ali belly laughs.

“Alright, alright…your turn again. Are you going to contort into a pretzel now?” Ashlyn asks playfully.

“Something like that.” Ali replies mysteriously and sees the woman’s eyes widen. “Kidding. It’s not a very unique talent, but I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. I can unwrap a Starburst in my mouth too. And that’s all the skills I have.”

Ashlyn doesn’t say a word, just getting up off the couch and walking into the kitchen. Ali watches on inquisitively as the short-haired woman rummages in the refrigerator and then in a nearby cabinet before coming back with a jar of maraschino cherries and a handful of Starburst candy.

“Can’t just take my word for it, huh?” Ali asks with a laugh.

“Nope. See, all of these ‘I can do this with my mouth’ tricks are like the number one thing people tell you in a bar. But then when you actually hand them a cherry stem, they sit there moving the thing around in their mouth for like 15 minutes before they fail and make an excuse that the stem is just too short or that they’re too tipsy. Sooo, prove it.” Ashlyn motions to the jar of cherries and the Starburst candy on the coffee table and sits back with a smile.

“You should know by now that I don’t fudge the truth, but prepare to be amazed!” Ali throws up jazz hands and wiggles her fingers, selecting a cherry out of the jar and eating it before putting the stem in her mouth. “You should time me.” Ali winks.

Ashlyn laughs but grabs her phone and starts the timer. She’s about to ask the brunette what her best time is, but her mouth drops open when she looks up from the phone to see Ali already holding knotted cherry stem between her fingers. “Already?!”

“Yup.” Ali puts emphasis on the p with a cocky smile.

“That wasn’t a fluke?” Ashlyn questions when she sees that only 16 seconds passed on phone.

“You tell me.” Ali grabs another cherry, eating it and putting the stem in her mouth. It’s takes her slightly longer this time because she’s trying not to laugh at Ashlyn’s stunned expression, but it’s only a few more seconds than the last time.

“Clearly not a fluke.” Ashlyn shakes her head at herself. “Is that what they taught you at Harvard?”

“Among other things.” Ali plays back.

“But, are you just as quick with the Starburst?” Ashlyn asks with a raised eyebrow.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” Ali points to the small pile of Starburst.

“Pink.” Ashlyn replies.

“Pink isn’t a flavor. It’s strawberry, but good answer. Me too.” Ali selects a pink one from the pile, popping it into her mouth still unwrapped. This time she leaves her mouth mostly open, maneuvering the Starburst with her tongue and front teeth.

Ashlyn watches carefully, swallowing hard at how Ali’s tongue so deftly swirls around the candy and controls it perfectly in her mouth. _Dear lord, if she can do that with candy…_

“Walla!” Ali pulls the wrapper out of her mouth, the pink candy held between her front teeth.

Before Ashlyn can even respond, the brunette takes the Starburst from between her teeth and holds it to Ashlyn’s lips with a sweet smile. Ashlyn opens her mouth and takes the candy. _Fuck. _She briefly closes her eyes as the pad of Ali’s thumb brushes against her bottom lip, the warm tingle it leaves behind traveling all the way down between her legs.

“Satisfied with my skills now, Stanford? Cause you sure look satisfied.” Ali can’t help herself.

Ashlyn can only groan playfully at being called out again. “Ok, you definitely weren’t bluffing. But really, how does one even do that so fast with their mouth? I’ve never seen anyone do it that fast.”

“Genetics.” Ali shrugs.

“Genetics?” Ashlyn asks quizzically with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah, watch.” Ali sticks her tongue out a bit and rolls it into an o-shape before rippling it in three places and making it a clover shape. She then twists her tongue and further folds it between her teeth to make an s-shape.

“No wonder! I’ve seen videos of people who can do that, but I’ve never actually known anyone who can.” Ashlyn nods awestruck. “Bet that comes in handy.” She verbalizes her earlier thought about the yoga poses and shoots the brunette a knowing look.

“I’m sure you’ll eventually find out just how handy.” Ali answers coolly with a tiny smile playing on her lips.

“Just when I think I have the upper hand.” Ashlyn chuckles in amusement at Ali’s flirty sass, a side of the woman she hasn’t really experienced yet and admittedly really likes.

“Never.” Ali grabs a small handful of Chex mix, sitting back on the couch and relaxing. “This is amazing Chex mix, I need the recipe.”

“I’ll email it to you, really easy and so much better than the stuff you buy at the store.” Ashlyn takes a handful herself.

“So, any other brainiac talents you’d like to showcase?” Ali asks.

“Well since we seemed to have moved on to bar tricks…one more.” Ashlyn heads right into the kitchen to grab a few items before also going into the library to grab a couple more things.

“You certainly have my attention.” Ali comments after seeing the woman come back with a salt shaker, two toothpicks, two forks, a golf ball, a Bic pen, and a quarter.

“Well if a bunch of random crap is all I need to get your attention…” Ashlyn teases.

“Ha, you definitely didn’t need a bunch of random crap to get my attention, but now I demand to see what on earth you plan to do with it.” Ali replies.

“Turns out, I’m really good at balancing things.” Ashlyn explains simply and sets to work.

Ali leans forward a bit and watches with rapt attention as Ashlyn’s face takes on the same adorable look as before with the crossword, brow furrowed in concentration with her tongue poking out a bit.

Ashlyn takes the salt shaker and sticks a toothpick into one of the top holes before taking the two forks and jamming them together by their tines. She then takes the other toothpick and places it so that it’s sticking out of the middle of the jammed together fork tines. When she’s satisfied by the toothpick placement in the forks, she balances the tip of it on the tip of the other toothpick sticking out of the salt shaker and lets go.

Ali’s eyes are a bit wide as she watches two forks hang in the air, their weight held only by the pinpoint tips of the two toothpicks. “That is so damn cool! How did you do that?”

“Physics.” Ashlyn smiles proudly. “That one I can teach you, it’s a simple weight-based trick. This next one is just a weird ability.” She prompts before she fidgets with the golf ball for a few seconds, getting it to sit just right on the coffee table.

Ali watches Ashlyn balance one end of the pen on the golf ball. She can’t help but focus on the largeness of the woman’s hands, but also how delicately they move to accomplish the task. Although it’s cool that the pen is now balanced on the golf ball, she can’t say she’s totally impressed seeing as how the pen is capped which provides a decent sized area to balance on the golf ball divot. Still, she stays silent and watches Ashlyn pick up the quarter. Her eyebrows raise a bit when she sees that Ashlyn is now working to balance the thin edge of the quarter on top of the pen. _Ok, now that is impressive…if she can do it. _Her attention goes right back to the woman’s hands, feeling herself getting oddly turned on at the steady and gentle movements of her long fingers.

Ashlyn holds her breath for just a second as she feels the quarter just about steady on top of the pen…one more tiny little touch and… “Ha, there!” She announces cheerily, unable to ignore the way Ali is staring at her hands with a slight flush before the brunette’s eyes quickly dart up to meet her own.

“Ok, wow! That’s remarkable, truly.” Ali compliments. “I could never stay still enough to do that. For as large as your hands are, they are very steady and exacting.” She can’t help but comment.

“Oh? Are you satisfied with my skills, Harvard? Cause you sure seem satisfied.” Ashlyn throws the brunette’s line back at her with a smug smile after that hand remark.

“Very. Pretty sure I told you on day one just how much I appreciated those large hands.” Ali doesn’t hesitate.

“Right.” Ashlyn laughs, trying not to let her mind wander to the memory of holding the brunette’s bare hips and thighs.

“Well, I’d say that us appreciating each other’s tongues and fingers is as good of a segue into a sex discussion as we’re gonna get.” Ali suggests.

“Agreed. Probably can’t get more lubricated than this for a sex talk.” Ashlyn jokes.

“Funny.” Ali shakes her head with a little giggle.

“Told you…best jokes.” Ashlyn smiles. “So where do we start?”

_To be continued…._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, are we excited for these two to talk dirty details?


	13. Let's Talk About...Sex (Session 5-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, let's get into those steamy details! Hope you all have a great start to the week!  
As always, keep those comments coming! I love to hear your thoughts :-)

Session 5 (Part 2) – Let’s Talk About…Sex

_“Agreed. Probably can’t get more lubricated than this for a sex talk.” Ashlyn jokes._

_“Funny.” Ali shakes her head with a little giggle._

_“Told you…best jokes.” Ashlyn smiles. “So where do we start?”_

_Continuation…_

“Let’s start with the good. What do you like done to you, what are you into, what turns you on the most?” Ali asks unceremoniously.

“Hmm.” Ashlyn thinks about it for a few seconds before letting out a little sigh. “Tough question for someone whose body is afraid of sex. But I guess…” She starts to answer.

“Pause.” Ali interrupts right away.

“Geez, already?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Yep. We don’t sit on inaccurate statements.” Ali elaborates. “Your body isn’t afraid of sex. Just like people who are afraid of heights aren’t actually afraid of heights.”

“And I’m lost.” Ashlyn shakes her head at herself.

“Well if you’re afraid of heights, it’s not the really height you fear. It’s that you’re actually afraid of falling and getting hurt, right?” Ali continues after Ashlyn nods. “Same with what you just said about sex. It’s not the sex you fear, it’s the feelings that come with it. In your case, as you mentioned before, that seems to be shame, vulnerability, loss of control. It’s not the physicality so much as the emotions that dictate the response.”

“Thanks, Alex.” Ashlyn reaches for Ali’s hand and brings it to her mouth, sweetly placing a soft kiss on top.

“For?” Ali smiles at the action.

“For never letting a single detail or thoughtlessly spoken statement go.” Ashlyn says appreciatively. “For something that can be embarrassing to talk about, you make it not feel that way at all.”

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, not a single thing.” Ali assures her further.

“I’m starting to realize that.” Ashlyn smiles again.

“Good. Now stop stalling and answer the question.” Ali prods playfully.

“Ok, ok.” Ashlyn concedes. “I know it seems so simple, but I just like to be touched. In the act of sex or not, I love being physically close. I love the feel of hands on my body, limbs wrapped around me, lips and breath on my skin. If I’m having sex with someone, I don’t want her hands on the bed or something…I want them on me.”

“That fits with what we’ve talked about before.” Ali thinks back to what Ashlyn said in their first session after she massaged the woman’s back. “And the women you’ve been with, they don’t do this? Or maybe not in the way you like it?”

“Not really, no.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I think as soon as they see the scars, they just assume the less touching the better. They just pool me into the general knowledge they have about abuse victims and assume I don’t like the extra touchiness I guess…even if they have no idea what the story behind the scars is.”

“You’re not particularly vocal during sex, are you?” Ali surmises carefully, figuring that these situations would go differently if Ashlyn had expressed that she wanted to be touched more.

“No, I guess I’m really not.” Ashlyn admits.

“That’s going to be something we really work on, a major goal for you if you will.” Ali tells her frankly. “I know it might seem unnatural to you at first, but it’s really important. Good sex is as much about excellent communication as anything else. I’ll tell you right now that you can count on me being very talkative about what I like or how something feels, and the aim will be to get you as close to that as you can be too. Now, can I ask why you’re not so vocal?”

“Not that I thought about it until now, but I could easily guess that you’re a total dictator in the bedroom. Should I be scared?” Ashlyn jokes.

“Maybe a little.” Ali plays back.

“Consider me cautioned.” Ashlyn half chuckles before getting back to the brunette’s question. “I think I’m just afraid to push people beyond their comfort zone for my own benefit. I guess my worry goes to what they’re thinking and feeling about the appearance of my back more than my own wants. I mean, what if it weirds them out? I’m not gonna ask them to touch me more if they feel weird about it.”

“That’s a fair point and a reasonable worry.” Ali acknowledges. “But, you have to remember one thing.”

“What’s that?” Ashlyn responds.

“People are adults and they can make their own decisions and use their own voices. Telling someone what you like or want doesn’t force them to do it. It just gives them the knowledge to weigh it against their own wants and needs, and to make a more informed decision on how they want to proceed. Otherwise, they just guess the best they can. And when people guess, they tend to stay on the safe side. I always say you should be as vocal about sex as you are ordering a coffee. You tell the barista exactly what drink you want and don’t leave it up to them to guess your order based on your appearance, right? Know what I’m saying?” Ali lays it out.

“Gotcha. You make it seem so simple.” Ashlyn feels herself completely relax into their conversation.

“That’s what we’re trying to do here. Take a lot of seemingly difficult and complicated things and talk them out until they are clearer and easier to identify. That way we can find the right path forward for you.” Ali says encouragingly and proceeds to get them right back on track. “So, what else is featured on your turn-ons list?”

“Very bluntly, getting eaten out is at the top of the list right now. I mean, I’ve always loved it…but, I’ve more recently gotten comfortable with it again and that has meant a much greater appreciation for it than ever.” Ashlyn has more confidence in her voice now.

“Explain the comfortable part to me.” Ali guides her.

“Well, everything was pretty normal for me sexually until Sloane. And then right after the Sloane fiasco, I think I told you that I couldn’t really have sex at all.” Ashlyn sees Ali nod before she elaborates. “Even trying just with myself, I couldn’t orgasm or get into it. Then I started seeing Nancy for therapy and we worked through a lot of emotions and feelings about it. After a few months, I was able to at least orgasm on my own even though I couldn’t penetrate myself at all. Took another few months before I could relax enough to penetrate myself and orgasm that way too.”

“So you can get some penetration then, just not with another person?” Ali takes in the new information, the situational aspect of Ashlyn’s diagnosis crystal clear now.

“Yeah. I can do it to myself at this point, just not with someone else.” Ashlyn affirms.

“What about you masturbating with someone else there, have you tried that?” Ali asks.

“Actually, yes. Nancy suggested that and I tried it, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t get comfortable enough. Probably because I had never tried touching myself like that in front of someone before that point.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Totally understandable.” Ali nods.

“Anyway, once I got comfortable with myself, I started trying to date again. Started out rough because just having to explain everything to someone new and warn them about what to expect. Like I said before, it made me feel so vulnerable and not in control. And of course, I really needed someone to be patient with me. It was a lot of trial and error really. Mostly error.” Ashlyn says wryly and feels Ali start to rub her forearm lightly. “It was pretty embarrassing to have these women going to town on me and I just couldn’t orgasm even if I was into it. And the no penetration thing really frustrated them after a while. I feel like the only reason they ever stayed around for even a few weeks was that I made sure they were uh…very satisfied, you know?”

“Got it.” Ali smiles. “But it got better to some extent?”

“With the last woman I was seeing, yes. Her name was Rachel, we were together for about 6 months. We were pretty into each other and she was super patient with everything.” Ashlyn answers.

“Well, that sounds really positive. What happened?” Ali tries to get to the bottom of it.

“It was bumpy at first since I still couldn’t orgasm with someone else. But again, she was patient and worked through it with me. Between that and a lot of talk therapy work with Nancy, I finally managed to get there. Well, strictly oral sex that is, but consistently at least. Gotta admit it felt really damn good to feel that again and be able to orgasm that way with someone. Hence it being at the top of my turn-ons list right now.” Ashlyn pauses for a second. “But, I guess the novelty of the breakthrough wore off quickly for Rachel. I could tell she wanted us to progress more and she eventually got more exasperated about the inability to use her fingers with me. Not that I blame her. It’s like as soon as she would try, my body would start to register the feeling of Sloane and just clench up. I could be looking right at Rachel and be so focused on her, but my body just felt something else no matter where my mind was. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

“It’s ok, I understand what you’re saying.” Ali acknowledges.

“It just felt like so much was weighing on the penetration thing. Like almost as if she was waiting for that piece to fall into place to decide whether or not she wanted to be with me long-term.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Anyway, the patience wore off and she apparently thought it would be a brilliant idea to just try and go for it one night in like a surprise approach.”

“Ugh geez, she didn’t.” Ali shakes her head unable to hold back her reaction. _Why are people so damn selfish? Worst thing the idiot could’ve done._

“Yup.” Ashlyn sighs. “I don’t even know how, but my body like sensed it coming and of course tightened right up when she tried. Hurt like hell and just fucked everything up. I didn’t have the same trust in her after that. Orgasming got harder again even if she promised me that she would just use her mouth. I started faking it at times. My body just couldn’t fully relax and was always on high alert that she might try to push further again. And she did a couple more times…I mean, she either warned me or we agreed to try those other times. Didn’t work. Anyway, she broke up with me literally right after she tried again one day and failed. I didn’t even have a chance to catch my breath and put some damn clothes on before she was out the door. She was nice about it and I was expecting it if I’m being honest, but still.”

Ali’s heart breaks a little at the slight dejection in Ashlyn’s voice, the hurt evident despite the fact that the woman has moved on. She scoots a bit closer and turns her body towards Ashlyn, reaching to hold her cheek and stroking it lightly with her thumb. “I’m really sorry that happened to you. Some people really don’t get that it isn’t about them, but that’s not your fault. You deserve so much better than being treated that way, and I’m sorry.”

Ashlyn closes her eyes, melting into the soothing touch on her face and letting Ali’s words settle deep inside. She’s pretty sure she’s never felt as cared for as she does with Ali. She takes a deep breath and opens her eyes, finding nothing but endlessly compassionate whiskey looking back at her and cementing all of those emotions. She wants to tell Ali how good this is, how protected she feels, but she can’t find the words. Her mind races for just a couple seconds before all she can think to do is make her feel it.

Ali watches Ashlyn’s eyes quickly dart down to her lips and back up again. The woman looks almost desperate for a second until the green-swirled hazel suddenly changes to a look of what she can only describe as tranquil. She knows then what’s coming and encourages it with a barely noticeable tug of her hand on Ashlyn’s face, her eyes closing in anticipation. She feels the slight exhale of Ashlyn’s breath on her face before soft lips capture hers. Still, it’s not at all what she expected…

It’s so incredibly gentle and slow, but intense nonetheless. _How does she do that? _Ashlyn’s lips hold hers with this feather-light touch, moving ever so deliberately, but there is so much feeling behind it that it makes her heart pound. This whole thing is so foreign to her, feeling something physically with someone that she knows for certain can’t be better expressed verbally. She’s a woman of words and conversation, where physical and emotional work together in a world where everything can be communicated by honest dialogue. But not whatever this is with Ashlyn, this is new...there aren’t words. She shuts off her mind and just tries to focus on what she’s feeling with this woman. It feels like security and trust… it feels like hopefulness and something she isn’t ready to name yet.

Ashlyn holds the kiss just long enough to be sure she conveyed what she intended, pulling away slowly only after she feels Ali’s grip on her face slightly tighten with the brunette’s free hand coming to rest on her knee. It wasn’t long, maybe 30 seconds. She leaves her eyes closed for just a moment, opening them to find the same compassionate whiskey looking back at her…the same but with a shiny sparkle in them now. _So beautiful…breathe._

Ali rests her forehead against Ashlyn’s, in no way trying to stop the beaming smile breaking out on her face. And then she almost feels it before she sees it, the slightest little twinge of apprehension suddenly flashing in those hazel eyes. She pulls back further and immediately puts a finger on Ashlyn’s lips. “Don’t ruin it by apologizing, Ash. No apologies here. Especially because you’re really good at that.” She pulls her finger away only after Ashlyn nods and that goofy dimpled grin appears. “You ok?”

“Never better.” Ashlyn confirms.

“Good.” Ali smiles and drops her hand from Ashlyn’s face, moving to sit so their shoulders are leaned into each other. She takes Ashlyn’s hand into both of hers this time and pulls it into her lap, practically holding the woman’s whole arm. “Keep talking to me, back on topic.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn collects her thoughts again. “It’s totally cliché, but I get really turned on by pleasuring a woman. I always have. Maybe more so now because that’s all I’ve been able to rely on for quite a while, but still…really, really turned on by that.”

“Not cliché at all. Truthfully, that might be one of the most common things I hear from women in your position. It makes sense that your center of pleasure lies in the other person when you’re not sure of your own bodily reactions.” Ali replies thoughtfully before adding. “We’re gonna change that up too.”

“Let’s see, what else…” Ashlyn concentrates and tries to give more details, but isn’t sure she has many more. “I guess I’m pretty open to most positions, basic toys, stuff like that. I think just about anything can feel good or comfortable with the right person and I’ve certainly dabbled in trying vibrators, strap-ons, using food creatively, and probably more that I’m not remembering with people I’ve dated. Although, not since Sloane… been very, very vanilla since then.”

“And your preference would be to not be so vanilla?” Ali asks for clarification.

“Yeah. I mean, I guess the ideal would be to get back to being comfortable in general so I can be more open to things like I used to be. But let’s be real, I’d be thrilled to just have all the vanilla stuff back with no issues.” Ashlyn replies.

“Ok, that’s all reasonable.” Ali nods. “The game plan I have in mind right now is to start with the basic things that feel good and comfortable to you, get a real feel for those together. And then we’ll slowly build up to pushing a bit and taking it further. The main goal will be to achieve comfortable penetration for you. Again, always taking strategic steps forward until you feel ready to try it. And if we can get to that point successfully, then we’ll work to get very comfortable with the full range of vanilla. Assuming everything goes well according to that plan, then I’ll let you dictate how you want to move on from there and if you want to try other things. But basics first.”

“That all sounds really good to me, particularly the confidence you seem to have.” Although it seems a bit daunting on the face of it, Ashlyn can’t help but be lulled at Ali’s ease.

“Well, you’ll never meet a more patient woman than me.” Ali smiles. “And patience is pretty much all we need here. That and a solid connection built on trust. I think we’re doing just fine on that front.”

“That we are.” Ashlyn smiles back.

“Ok, so to recap. You love it when women are generally handsy and dedicated to spending some serious tongue-time between your legs. And you love making those women scream your name. You’re pretty open to most sexual experiences, and you’d ideally like to get back some of that openness so you can sample more flavors than just vanilla.” Ali summarizes lightly.

“Ha, nicely done, Harvard!” Ashlyn laughs. “I’d say you nailed it.”

“Excellent.” Ali laughs a bit herself. “Now, what are the exceptions to all that? Are there any? What are your turn-offs or no-nos?”

“One really big one actually. Pretty obvious I guess, but…” Ashlyn lets out a breath and leans into Ali a bit more. “No restraints and nothing even close to hitting or pain of any kind. Any kind of rope, handcuffs, even fluffier things like ribbons or ties are an absolute no-go. Or even any kind of slapping. I just…I can’t handle any of that at all. Some people find that stuff pleasurable or fun, but I don’t. Not in any way. I find it fucking terrifying. It takes me to a very bad place and it’s literal torture…always been that way. Probably the closest thing I have to any leftover PTSD issues.”

Ali rubs her thumbs over the top of Ashlyn’s hand when she feels the woman squeezing a bit tighter. “It’s ok, Ash. That’s beyond understandable and there’s nothing odd about it.”

“I just pretty much need to be able to see the person I’m with, look around all times, and move pretty freely. In the right moments, I’m okay with someone using their hands to hold my hands down as long as I can trust that they’ll let up if I really push back against them. And I’m totally fine with someone’s body weight on me. I just can’t feel immobilized. And yeah, hitting and pain just don’t mix with sex for me.” Ashlyn elaborates. “Like one time, that girl whose dog is in my first Instagram photo, she playfully slapped my ass in a heated moment. It wasn’t even that hard and didn’t really hurt, but I totally froze up and just had to put my clothes on and leave for a while to chill out. And that was way before the Sloane thing.”

“Like I said, completely understandable.” Ali keeps running her thumbs along Ashlyn’s hand. “Thank you for telling me that. It’s a really important thing to know and I’m glad you told me.”

“Anything for you, Ms. Krieger.” Ashlyn smiles and leans her head against the top of the brunette’s. “So, now that I’ve spilled my guts and have zero sexual mystique left, do I get to know all those things about you?”

“Of course you do. This is a two-way street, remember?” Ali replies. “So, what do you want to know?”

“All of it.” Ashlyn answers sincerely. “In case you haven’t noticed yet, I want to know everything there is to know about you.”

_She’s the cutest._ “So sweet.” Ali turns her head and leaves a tiny kiss along Ashlyn’s jaw before settling back into the same position. “The answers are a bit more complicated for me.”

“How so?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“Well, I’m a sex surrogate obviously. So while I have my own personal preferences, my work requires me to be pretty flexible, open-minded, and willing to push the envelope if needed. I have my personal life where I center on me and whoever I’m with and then my professional life where I focus almost entirely on my clients.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

“Ah, got it.” Ashlyn nods. “Can you tell me about you personally? And then maybe I can ask questions I have about the more professional stuff?”

“Definitely.” Ali replies easily. “My biggest turn on is someone really taking their time with me, working me up with light touches and bringing me almost to the edge before really getting into anything else. And then I like it when a person can really read my body language and change their pace to keep me right along that edge...alternating between fast and hard to slow and deep, and everything in between. There’s nothing that feels better to me than someone who just knows exactly what buttons to push and when.”

_We are gonna get along just fine, Alex. _Ashlyn smiles to herself before choosing to respond playfully. “Dang, that is a tall order, Harvard.”

“Tell me about it.” Ali laughs. “Now you know why I’m single.”

“Please, you’re single because apparently the women in NYC are morons.” Ashlyn waves her off.

“You’re gonna give me a cavity, Stanford.” Ali teases.

“Hope you know a good dentist.” Ashlyn banters back. “So, what else?”

“Like you, I’m pretty open to positions, toys, and the like. I think it really depends on the person, the situation, and the trust level in terms of what I’m willing to entertain, but the openness is generally there.” Ali reveals before giving a few more details. “Let’s see… I love someone right there whispering or breathing in my ear when I orgasm, mutually orgasming, and the back of my neck might as well have a huge green button on it that says ‘Go.’”

“Duly noted.” Ashlyn chuckles. “Is there anything you don’t like?”

“Absolutely. I am also not a fan of pain, serious bondage, and that type stuff. Just doesn’t do anything for me, but I can certainly enjoy a little bit of rougher sex in the right moment. I’m also really not a lingerie person, both on me or on someone else. I mean, sure I can appreciate a sexy set of underwear, but honestly, I just like naked.” Ali answers straightforwardly. “Oh and stripteases and lap dances, also not my thing. Don’t like to give them or receive them, always feels more awkward than sexy for some reason.”

“Interesting that you say that. I find skimpy underwear and bikinis really hot, but you’re right that when it gets all Fredrick’s of Hollywood lace madness, it seems like too much. I’ve had a couple girlfriends who liked to majorly do the lingerie thing, I definitely didn’t hate it but it wasn’t my favorite either.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I’ve actually never had anyone do a striptease or lap dance for me, nor have I done it…so, I can’t comment at all on that.”

“Well, I don’t intend to be your first then.” Ali laughs.

“Think I’ll live.” Ashlyn deadpans. “Anything other personal tidbits?”

“Just one more. I really like my hair played with. Depending on the atmosphere, it can either really get me in the mood or completely relax me.” Ali divulges.

“Very good to know.” Ashlyn smiles.

A comfortable silence hangs between them for a minute before Ashlyn speaks up again.

“So, can I ask you something about your surrogate experience?” Ashlyn checks first.

“Ask me anything you want.” Ali assures her.

“We kinda talked about how building a person connection with your clients helps build some kind of attraction in lieu of a true physical desirability… but like, how do you reconcile your clients’ sexual turn-ons with your own? What I mean is, what happens when they go against your boundaries or preferences? How do you deal with that?” Ashlyn has wondered about it a lot.

“Good question. It’s a three-part thing really. First, I only work with female clients for my sex surrogacy practice. That sets a very basic comfort zone for me that has been really helpful. Second, I see mostly vaginismus clients who are generally a bit older and have struggled with sexual experiences for quite some time, so things tend to stay on the tame side. And third, I’ve just been lucky that none of my clients have really pushed any major boundaries. I haven’t had anyone who wanted to get into an S&M situation and I certainly haven’t been asked to give a lap dance.” Ali laughs a bit at that last part.

“Hmph, interesting. I suppose women probably bring a different set of potential sexual problems than men do.” Ashlyn muses out loud.

“Definitely.” Ali agrees. “And like I said, seeing mainly vaginismus clients really keeps things pretty basic. Many just want to feel comfortable with simple sex and not much else. I hear a lot of wild stories about what my other sex surrogate colleagues deal with though.”

“Oh god, I bet.” Ashlyn replies. “So, how exactly did you become the vagina whisperer?”

“Very funny, Stanford.” Ali belly laughs and squeezes Ashlyn’s arm. “It just kind of happened. My first surrogacy client happened to be a vaginismus case and it went really well with successfully reaching the end goals that we set. And then her routine sex therapist ended up referring me another vaginismus client since the first one she referred to me worked out well. And then I successfully treated that woman too. Word got around, and now I get a lot of vaginismus referrals. A lot of sex surrogates are hesitant to take them apparently. I guess because it takes a lot more trust building and emotional connection than just physically engaging with a client. I’m patient, I like connecting with people, and I don’t mind putting in that extra effort.”

“Exactly how many vaginismus cases have you successfully treated?” Ashlyn inquires.

“In the five years I’ve been a surrogate, twenty-four.” Ali states simply. “I used to take on more than one client at a time, but I eventually found it was too hectic since I also have routine therapy clients.”

Ashlyn lets out a low whistle. “Wow, vagina whisperer indeed.”

Ali just nudges Ashlyn a bit and giggles.

“So, what other kinds of cases do sex surrogates take on?” Ashlyn asks.

“Well, it really ranges. Some of us are more discerning than others.” Ali answers evenly.

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn presses after hearing Ali’s tone of voice change a bit on the word ‘discerning’.

“Just that some sex surrogates are a bit more liberal with their services than others. I know surrogates that will take on cases where women or men just want to lose their virginity and there isn’t any other deeper issue to work on than that.” Ali explains, the disdain in her voice evident. “I won’t take on anything like that. I require that all my clients try substantial routine therapy to resolve the issue first, and if that doesn’t work and there is a true emotional and/or physical issue present, then I’ll take them on.”

“Yeeeah, that seems a bit sketchy. No wonder people see the sex surrogacy thing as really close to sex work.” Ashlyn considers it.

“Exactly. Really undermines the whole therapy aspect when there are surrogates out there doing stuff like that.” Ali shrugs.

“There are bad eggs in any bunch though. All that matters is that you have integrity in what you do, Alex.” Ashlyn says genuinely.

“Thanks. That means a lot to me.” Ali replies warmly.

“Lucky for me, cause I really hope I’m successful case number twenty-five.” Ashlyn says optimistically.

“You will be.” Ali smiles and plays with the woman’s fingers.

“I appreciate how poised you sound when you say that.” Ashlyn leans her head against Ali’s and breathes in the scent of her shampoo. “So, what kinds of things do you treat other than vaginismus?”

“Mostly parallel issues. I’ve helped clients mainly with arousal and orgasm problems as well as a couple of women with body dysmorphic disorder that was affecting their intimacy experiences. I’ve also had a client with a sex addiction.” Ali answers straight-forwardly. “She actually might have been my biggest challenge and pushed my boundaries the furthest.”

“Why is that?” Ashlyn probes a bit just because it’s interesting.

“For starters, it was just such a different approach. I was literally trying to put everything in reverse, where you start with overt and intense physicality because that is what was comfortable to her. And then try to gain some control over that and dampen it down so that a meaningful emotional connection could be forged. The goal was to be able to be comfortable not having sex and not the other way around.” Ali explains.

“Fascinating. So why did that push your boundaries?” Ashlyn tries to understand.

“Well that part didn’t push my boundaries exactly, it was just really different compared to how I usually treat clients. But she was particularly voracious and very dominant, so that was hard to adjust to that when it was rough sex right off the bat with no real personal connection first. I mean, picture having sex with a total stranger who pushes against your sexual comfort boundaries.” Ali clarifies.

“Yeah ok, that must have been difficult to deal with.” Ashlyn replies and lets another comfortably quiet minute pass as she considers everything the brunette said. “You know, I admittedly had my reservations about sex surrogacy and some very uninformed preconceptions about it. But getting to know you and what you do, how much you put into this in such a deep and thoughtful way, how much of yourself you give to try and heal something so personal and private to someone… I respect you so much. What you do is amazing and it takes a really special person to do it. I truly admire and appreciate you more than I can express.”

“You know, Ashlyn Harris, you might just be the kindest person I have ever met. I appreciate you too.” Ali says in a sincere attempt to return such a touching sentiment.

“Good, cause I really don’t care about anything else in my life.” Ashlyn says quietly.

“What do you mean?” Ali tilts her head up to look at the woman.

“Money, success, all of it. None of it really matters to me. All I care about in the end is that I’m a good person. I just want to be a good person.” Ashlyn divulges.

“I completely believe that.” Ali smiles up at her. “And you are. I haven’t known you that long, but I know you absolutely are. My favorite thing about you actually.”

“Thanks.” Ashlyn manages to choke out, getting a bit emotional at Ali’s response. She quickly clears her throat and moves on. “So, now what?”

“I’d say that this is a nice tidy place to end today’s session. You did wonderfully today opening up about all things sex.” Ali praises her before teasing. “Plus, now I know for sure that you’re a genius with those fancy talents of yours.”

“Fancy? Please, you’re the one that contorted both your body and your tongue into a knot.” Ashlyn laughs. “I’ve got nothing on you, Harvard girl.”

“Again, I’ll eventually remind you that you said that, Stanford.” Ali plays back.

“Again, I’ll deny it.” Ashlyn replies adamantly.

“So, in terms of moving from here…” Ali get more serious. “My perception is that we’ve built a nice emotionally-based bond between us. One that I anticipate will continue to grow naturally as we move along. I also feel like we’re physically at ease with each other so far.” She motions to the way they are holding hands and leaned into each other. “But that’s my view on things. I need to know very honestly how you’re feeling.”

“I feel really comfortable with you. I feel very close to you emotionally and physically.” Ashlyn replies candidly. “I trust you, Alex. Simple as that.”

“Likewise.” Ali smiles before continuing. “So from this point forward, I usually suggest that we start to actively work on some physical intimacy together.”

“Wow, ok.” Ashlyn lets out a slow breath.

“Does that sound ok to you?” Ali checks again, not sure how to read the initial reaction.

“Definitely. Way more than ok.” Ashlyn pipes up quickly. “Just a bit stunned that I made it this far already and feel good to go.”

“Told you that you could do this.” Ali encourages.

“You have a way of being right.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Are you nervous about it?” Ali asks.

“Little bit. Not in a bad way though, just in an unknown territory kind of way.” Ashlyn openly admits.

“That’s normal.” Ali reassures her. “To be clear though, it’s not going to be this sudden rush of physicality. We’ll take it slow and build comfort together just like we have been doing on the emotional level. And there will always be some kind of ground rules for the upcoming sessions and we’ll work to peel those away one by one. All of it is done with mutual decision-making though, we don’t press forward until we both agree to do that.”

“Sounds good to me.” Ashlyn nods.

“Great. So for Friday, I’m going to make a suggestion.” Ali sits up more so she can face Ashlyn. “Just a suggestion though.” She repeats to be clear.

“I’m listening.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Dress in something very comfortable and loose enough to be fairly accessible.” Ali can’t help but smile when Ashlyn’s eyebrows raise, making her elaborate. “The big ground rule for Friday is that no clothes come off, but we’ll be working around them to some extent. Oh, and we probably won’t have much time for snacks.” She motions to the food on the coffee table.

“Right. Got it.” Ashlyn’s voice goes up an octave.

“Don’t think that I don’t see that smirk on your face and that gleam in your eye, Ash.” Ali gives the woman a knowing smile.

“Well I told you I was ready!” Ashlyn laughs. “I meant it, obviously.”

“I’m really glad you feel ready. I promise you can always count on me to make sure of that.” Ali squeezes her hand one more time before standing up.

“I know I can.” Ashlyn replies meaningfully and goes to grab Ali’s coat, helping her put it on.

_Can she be any more chivalrous? Nope. _“Call or text me if you have any questions or concerns ahead of Friday. If not, I’ll be here at 4pm sharp.” Ali reminds her as she zips up her coat. She smiles widely when she feels Ashlyn put the scarf around her neck for her, looking up to find sweet hazel eyes.

“Can I?” Ashlyn whispers and moves her hands from Ali’s scarf to the brunette’s cheeks.

“You don’t have to ask anymore.” Ali puts her hands on Ashlyn’s waist, closing her eyes as the distance between them closes.

Just like before, it’s passionate but still unassuming and tender, the thrilling rush of two now deeply connected people still learning each other. Ali can’t get enough of Ashlyn’s pillow-soft lips and the way her every sense is heightened when this woman touches her.

Ashlyn is spellbound by the taste of Ali’s mouth, the way her body thrums and her knees feel like they are going to buckle when she’s with this woman, the way the brunette’s hands grip her tighter when they kiss.

Ali melts into the goodbye kiss, expecting it to last longer than the last one since they aren’t in public this time. She’s slightly surprised when Ashlyn slowly pulls away and pecks her cheek a softly a couple more times, but she can only smile at the woman’s respectfulness. _She’s really the sweetest._

“Have a goodnight and a great rest of the week, Ash.” Ali squeezes Ashlyn’s waist gently and pecks her on the chin.

“You too, Alex. Thanks for today and see you Friday.” Ashlyn smiles warmly and walks the brunette to elevator, pressing the button and watching her get in. _Wish she never had to go. _It’s an odd feeling for someone who enjoys her space and she’s not entirely sure what to make of it. She can’t help but feel a bit glum as she gives one last little wave and watches the elevator door close.

\---

“What in the world is happening to you?” Ali whispers to herself as soon as the elevator door closes. She lets out a deep breath as she leans her head against the wall of the elevator, subconsciously licking her lips because she’s already hooked on the faint trace of Carmex that she knows will be there. She again let go of herself more than she expected to today and it felt so natural to be flirty and close to Ashlyn. Syd was right, she needs to talk to Mark and get herself sorted out fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess what's coming next? Think I dropped enough foreshadowing at the end there about Mark ;-)


	14. It's Simple, You Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I know many of you are highly anticipating the next session with these two lovely ladies, we have something else to attend to first. This is a very important chapter for the story as Ali will do a lot of processing and will set herself on a course for how she moves forward with Ashlyn. Much of this fic will then center around how Ali navigates that course, if she sticks to it, and the ways in which Ashlyn may/may not alter it with her own feelings. If you thought you knew what was going on in Ali's head before, you're about to get a front row seat to the premiere!  
As always, let me know what you think by leaving me a comment :-)

It’s Simple, You Fall

“Ugh, damn.” Ali grumbles to herself after spotting the 40-something guy in a discrete corner of the coffee shop. She’s only 5 minutes late and was hoping he wouldn’t be exactly on time, but there he sits.

“Mark, so sorry I’m a little late! I ran a couple of minutes over with a client. Thank you for coming.” Ali gets out in a bit of a rush.

“Hi Ali, no problem at all. I know how that goes. I literally got here like 2 minutes ago and just took my coat off.” Mark smiles at her.

“Oh good, so you didn’t order yet?” Ali checks and sees him shake his head no. “My treat since I asked you to meet me, what can I get you?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” Mark waves her off.

“No really, my treat. I appreciate you meeting with me so quickly. Really, what can I get you?” Ali insists. She had sent the guy an email after her session with Ashlyn and he had replied in minutes that he could meet the next day late morning.

“In that case, I’ll have a medium cinnamon soy latte.” Mark requests politely.

_Gross, such a hipster_. “Great, be right back.” Ali gives him an over-the-top smile and heads over to the ordering counter to get his latte and a vanilla latte for herself.

In the 5 minutes that it takes the barista to make the drinks, Ali finds herself reconsidering this whole thing at least twice. Does she really want to ask Mark Foster about this? Truthfully, not at all. Still, she knows she needs to figure out the answers to some serious questions. She needs to understand the full reality of what this might be like in order to know how she is going to proceed. And there is no one who knows the full extent of how a scenario like this can play out quite like Mark does.

“Thank you.” Mark says when Ali hands him his coffee and sits down at the table.

“You’re welcome, it’s the least I can do. I’m grateful that you were willing to come meet with me.” Ali reiterates her earlier statement.

“I don’t mind at all. I’m always willing to help out a colleague. And it’s nice to catch up a bit since I missed this summer’s get together.” Mark smiles. “So, you said in your email that this was concerning a surrogate client of yours? I have to admit that you’re the last person I ever expected to come to me for client advice.”

_Guess I wasn’t so discrete. _Ali internally cringes at herself and tries to play it cool. “Really?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so abrupt. I just meant that we don’t ever connect much at the seasonal surrogate social events. You tend to stick to a particular group of colleagues and I…well, to be honest, I always got the vibe that you weren’t particularly fond of me. Not that you’ve been rude at all or anything like that.” Mark clarifies, but his voice remains kind. “I just assumed that you’d go to anyone else over me is all.”

He’s not wrong, she’s never been particularly fond of him or made much of an effort to get to know him. While he’s well known for his highly regarded routine sex therapy practice, he’s infamous in the NYC sex surrogate scene for marrying one of his clients and that has been enough for Ali to stay an arm’s length away. Not to mention that he’s one of those eye-catching guys who clearly knows it… roughly 6 feet tall, dark brown hair with just the right amount of gray mixed in to make him seem older and sophisticated, striking blue eyes framed by stylish horn-rimmed glasses, well-sculpted body that he highlights with slim fitting clothes that make him look like a cool college professor. It has always rubbed her the wrong way for some reason. Even in a room full of generally attractive surrogates, his physical appearance and air of confidence stand out.

Ali lets out a soft sigh. She’s never not been direct with someone, and she’s not going to abandon that approach now. “I’m a really upfront person, Mark, so I’m just going to level with you.” Ali forewarns.

“I appreciate that.” He motions for her to continue.

“I’ll fully admit that I haven’t made much of an effort to get to know you or engage you in conversation. I’ve just never felt like we had all that much in common or reason to talk.” Ali puts it as gently as she can before elaborating. “I recognize that I’m pretty conservative in my approach and very particular about the clients I’m willing to take on. So, I tend to collaborate and discuss with surrogate colleagues that sort of fall closer to that style and not…”

“The guy who married his client.” Mark cuts her off and finishes her statement bluntly.

“Something like that.” Ali grimaces at herself, a bit embarrassed. “I’m sorry. Hearing myself out loud…I realize this is really tactless of me.”

“It’s completely ok, Ali. Really.” Mark waves her off. “I’m well aware of my reputation in our circles. It can be a little frustrating that people know more rumors than truth, but I’m used to it and it doesn’t bother me anymore.”

“Still, I’m sorry. I’m likely one of those people that has formed an opinion about you based on rumors because I’ve done nothing to get to know you.” Ali replies apologetically. “But we’re here now, so I hope I can redeem myself.

“Apology accepted and no need to redeem yourself. I highly respect your approach and work ethic from what I know of you.” Mark says easily. “But yes, we’re here now. What can I help you with?”

“I’m on a roll with the tactlessness today, so might as well get into why I asked to meet with you.” Ali shakes her head at herself and just puts it out there. “I’ve recently taken on a surrogate client and things have gotten...intense.” She tries to find the right words. “We’re not yet into any significant sexual contact, but emotionally things are…well… not quite what I’ve experienced before. The feelings on my end are really running deep and there’s a strong physical attraction. I’ve gotten every indication from her that she’s feeling similarly. I guess I could really use some perspective here so that I can figure out the best way to move forward without compromising my role as a therapist.”

“Hmmm.” Mark furrows his brow and takes a sip of his coffee, seemingly thinking it over for a minute. “So, you’re in love with your client?”

“Um, well… I’m not fully ready to commit to that statement exactly.” Ali stutters a bit. “But, I feel like I’m well on the road to that, or maybe even there and just fighting it because I feel like I should be.”

“And you’ve come to me for advice because my wife was once my client and you believe I can offer some experienced guidance that another surrogate can’t?” He questions.

“Yep, that about sums it up.” Ali confirms, again feeling a bit embarrassed at how inconsiderate this seems now that she’s speaking it out loud.

“I have to confess that I’m very intrigued.” Mark sips his coffee again.

“By what?” Ali asks a bit confused.

“Well, can I ask… have you never been in love with a client? This is the first time?” He asks with his head cocked to the side. “I know you take a more conservative approach, but we all deal with some very strong emotional attachments in our line of work. I mean, sure I’m married to a former client…but even now I have still strong feelings for clients sometimes. I’m just a bit confused that this hasn’t happened in your own practice.”

“Oh, uh, no.” Ali tries to clarify. “I have definitely felt strong connections to clients, several times. I’ve had clients say they were in love with me and I’ve felt things in return in some cases. But not like I do with this client.”

“So, you’ve felt love with clients to some extent before, but this is more than that? Not sure I follow.” Mark appears to be concentrating hard in trying to get to the bottom of what she is saying.

“I know, it’s hard to properly describe.” Ali takes a sip of her coffee and tries to reframe things. “With prior clients, it has always been very clear to me that whatever I was feeling towards them was just a product of a purposely created moment. Of an emotional bond paired with physical intimacy in a very artificial and temporary situation. The feelings have never seemed more than fleeting to me and I’ve always been able to remain cognizant of that and act accordingly.”

“Interesting.” Mark scratches his chin. “So, in keeping with the sex surrogate creed that we are open and honest with clients about feelings…when a client has said that they love you, what exactly have you said back?” He asks curiously.

“I tell them that I love a particular thing about them or what they’re doing, or that I feel close to them in this moment. I use that specific wording ‘in this moment’. It’s truthful about my feelings in the situation, a fairly gentle response, and there is no misleading beyond that.” Ali replies matter-of-factly.

“Fascinating.” Mark raises his eyebrows. “I’m impressed by the depth at which you’ve considered these things and the time you’ve taken to so intricately dissect your own emotions in the client bond. You’re as diligent and exacting as your reputation suggests.” He smiles.

“Thanks. I think.” Ali smiles back, not sure how else to reply.

“I mean it. Quite frankly, I’ve never gone so far as to directly verbalize the transitory nature of my feelings with a client. And I don’t personally know any other surrogates who have either. Hell, I know surrogates that go the opposite way and won’t use ‘love’ wording at all. But your supremely honest and more conservative approach is actually quite brilliant. In similar scenarios, I’ve simply said that I love them too and merely relied on the unspoken fact that the client-surrogate relationship is temporary and situational with a finite end. Still, I can absolutely see the value in specifically verbalizing it every time. Definitely something I may have to rethink and consider using myself. And clients have responded well to your approach?” He probes further with interest.

“So far. It has never hindered any kind of rapport I have going with a client or broken an important moment at all. My clients have responded well to the honesty of it and even mentioned feeling a greater level of trust that I’m not just telling them what they want to hear.” Ali answers.

“Like I said, impressive. You should really consider sharing that technique at our informal surrogate workshops. Many of us tend to laser focus on the physical intimacy goals and do whatever it takes to be successful at them without always fully considering the surrounding factors. I think it would be eye-opening and people would be very receptive to your insights.” Mark compliments her again before moving on. “But back to the topic at hand. I think I might understand a bit better now what you are getting at here. It’s not that you haven’t had feelings for a client, but more so that this is a different level? The emotional connection here doesn’t feel so temporary and has perhaps reached a much greater depth?”

“Yes, exactly.” Ali feels a sense of relief that she’s finally getting her point across. “The initial physical attraction is far stronger than I’ve ever experienced, but it didn’t surprise me that much given that I tend to work with older women who often lack sexual experience beyond the basics. This client is different in that regard…roughly my age, physically very fit, and has only relatively recently struggled with sexual dysfunction. She’s definitely my type in appearance, so not a shock that I’m very attracted to her.”

“Makes sense.” Mark nods and sips his coffee.

“The emotional connection though, well, it has practically knocked the wind out of me.” Ali divulges. “You know how we all generally take the approach of building a solid emotional connection with a client first?”

“Mhmm.” Mark nods.

“Well, with most clients it’s like you start things off and they kind of meet you at whatever level you set, you know? It can be difficult to really get much deeper than whatever is basically driving the sexual dysfunction issues. In other words, the client is usually only emotionally open to the point that they need to be and you are the same way. So, you both meet each other on this basic comfortable emotional level and that sets the tone for the physical aspects that come after that.” Ali pauses to make sure he is following. 

“Right. That has generally been my experience in most cases as well.” Mark affirms.

“This client, she’s nothing like that.” Ali collects her thoughts for a second and takes a long sip of her coffee. “Her initial hesitation and nervousness early on in sessions is on par with other clients I’ve seen, but then she’s also been remarkably open. And I think I find that most surprising because she has a trauma history that is pretty horrific, one that she clearly holds very close to the vest to the extent that she can.”

“But she’s not guarded with you?” Mark questions.

“No, she’s actually not. We hit this mutual place of trust very early on, and I don’t even quite know how that happened.” Ali explains. “But she’s gone all in with me about these very difficult experiences she’s been through… and, well… I have my own demons that I found myself delving right into with her as well.”

“Hmmm. So, personal experiences that you don’t talk about with other clients?” Mark asks.

“It’s not that I don’t talk about them. They’re a large part of who I am and an important part of a client getting to know me, but I don’t ever go further than just barely brushing the surface of it.” Ali elucidates. “With her, I’ve gone as deep into talking about it as I ever have, even with the closest people in my life. And what threw me off the most was how much I wanted to talk to her about it and how natural it felt.”

“Interesting.” Mark scratches his chin again. “And why do you think that is?”

“I’m not exactly sure. In part, there’s this element of how she treats me. On one hand, she lets me guide things like most clients. On the other, she is always making a greater effort to get to know me than others I have seen. It feels like she genuinely wants to understand who I am…like this is more important to her than anything else. I usually feel like I have a much larger investment in my clients than they do in me. But in this case, she matches that investment in every way and I dare say even exceeds it at times.” Ali talks it out.

“So then you might say that she has the feel of someone you are dating rather than someone you are seeing in a professional capacity, despite the professional setting being sex related?” Mark suggests.

“That’s accurate.” Ali admits. “I haven’t experienced this before. It feels great to be so connected to someone, but also like maybe I’m doing something wrong. Unsettling really.”

“You’re not doing anything wrong.” Mark assures her. “You need to understand it out of the current context.”

“How so?” Ali looks at him quizzically.

“Let’s go with the gym. Not a perfect example here, but hear me out.” Mark offers an example. “A ton of us living in this city hit the gym on most days, right? And in the course of that we come across hundreds, maybe thousands, of people all doing the same thing. Every day, we work out next to someone. Most of the time we don’t make any kind of contact with those people and we don’t find that weird. Maybe occasionally we strike up a conversation with someone or make a friend from a gym encounter. With me so far?”

“Yeah.” Ali listens.

“So, we don’t necessary expect to meet someone significant at the gym. That’s not the reason we really go there. But then… there’s always those rarer cases where people do happen to strike up a conversation and really connect with each other. Think we’ve all heard of or known someone who has met a significant other at the gym, right?” Mark checks with Ali again.

“Yeah, I get you. Not likely, but not that uncommon either.” Ali replies, trying to figure out exactly where he is going with this.

“It isn’t that different from the situation you are describing with your client.” He keeps going with his example. “In the course of your work, you see different people all the time in a very specific environment that has become routine for you. People come and go and you connect with some more than others, but it’s all in passing because that’s the nature of the environment you’re in. You don’t go to the gym with the intention to find a date, just like you don’t use your job to find a date either.”

“Ok, I kind of see what you mean, but not fully sure what you’re getting at.” Ali is still a bit puzzled.

“Well, let’s say that you happen to meet someone at the gym that you find yourself having really strong connection to.” Mark looks at her directly. “Would you find that weird or wrong?”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Ali replies easily.

“Right, so this isn’t any different…you’re just hung up on the context. You see clients all the time in a professional capacity and nothing notable really happens. But you’re a human being, Ali. And human beings just sometimes have a strong connection to one another. There’s nothing weird or wrong about the fact that you just happened to meet someone that you’re very compatible with and feel deep things for. You can’t exactly dictate where this kind of thing is going to happen to you, it just does. And sure, it’s not the most likely thing for you to meet someone like that at the gym for example or in a unique professional capacity like this one, but it happens. Just because it happened in the context of your surrogate practice doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It could’ve happened anywhere and you’d still likely be just as connected to this person.” Mark finishes and waits for her response.

“Thank you, that makes me feel better and more relieved I guess.” Ali considers everything he said. “But you don’t think…well, I mean the power dynamic between therapist and client, doesn’t that color things a bit differently?”

“Let me answer that with a question.” Mark smiles. “You’ve had feelings for other clients and been in this same power dynamic. Did those situations feel like this one?” He asks even though he already knows the answer.

“Not at all.” Ali concedes.

“Sure it’s important to remain cognizant of the power dynamic and of the sex surrogate therapy context you are in, but you can’t just chalk up what is happening to power dynamic or the context. Do you understand?” Mark asks before adding “The basic root of this is that you met someone special that you are really into and feel deeply for. That’s normal and good even if it happened in a situation that was unexpected.”

“I guess I can buy into that.” Ali slightly smiles. “Certainly makes me feel like less of a creeper therapist.”

“Please, you’re the last person I would call a creeper therapist.” Mark chuckles lightly. “Take that for what it’s worth coming from the guy that you probably consider a creeper therapist.”

Ali can only shake her head and laugh. “And you probably consider me an uptight bitch. This is why we should always get to know people for ourselves.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” Mark laughs along with her.

“Well, I really appreciate your reassurance on how this is playing out for me with this client. It does help to realize that it’s more the context that is bothering me than the connection to her.” Ali gets back to the conversation. “But I’m still struggling with how this is going to go as we move forward in the sessions. How do I stay true to what I am feeling without completely blurring ethical lines?”

“If you feel like you are fully in this and committed to helping this client, then there is only one way to do it. And that is to proceed the way you always do.” He tells her simply.

“Proceed the way I always do.” Ali repeats what he said and ponders it. “But that means to entirely surrender myself to all feelings and emotions that happen, completely invest myself in a way that works towards the goals we set for her, and be totally honest with her about all of it.”

“Exactly right. Same as we do with every client.” Mark corroborates. “Just that in this case, the level is far deeper. Where you might normally be able to skate by with temporary feelings of closeness to a client… this time you’re likely going to actually fall in love, if you haven’t already. I can guess she will return those feelings for you. So yes, same as always, but so much more serious in nature and involved with this client. The only other option is to walk away, but honestly, I don’t see you doing that.”

“I’m not walking away.” Ali says resolutely before letting out a frustrated groan. “Let myself completely fall in love?”

“Mhmm, it’s simple. You fall, and likely very hard too.” Mark nods.

“That’s anything but simple, Mark. I get what you’re saying, but how? How the hell does it work to do that and not take advantage of her?” Ali asks impatiently before just asking what she wants to. “Like I said, I realize this is tactless, but this is where I really need you to level with me. It would really help me to understand how you handled this personally. How did you treat your wife as a client while being in love with her and the whole dating thing?”

“Ah, and this is where rumors never help my case.” Mark gives her a wry smile. “I never had a romantic dating relationship with my wife while she was my surrogate client.”

“Oh.” Ali says a bit stunned and feeling stupid that she assumed.

“Yep, oh.” Mark laughs lightly again. “I absolutely fell in love with her while she was my client. I was honest with her about it and she reciprocated those feelings, but it was still strictly within the boundaries of therapy sessions. A bit looser boundaries at times admittedly, but still boundaries. Once we met her therapy goals, we ended our surrogate relationship just the same as I do with all clients. It wasn’t until well over a year later that we reconnected unexpectedly and began actually dating.”

Ali puts her hand on her forehead and lets out a deep sigh. “Well if I didn’t feel like an asshole before…geez Mark, I’m really sorry that I didn’t know that and was judging you over it.”

“Completely ok. Like I said, doesn’t bother me anymore. I know I didn’t do anything wrong and that’s what matters to me.” He shrugs it off. “Glad I got the opportunity to set the record straight with you though.” He smiles.

“Thanks for going easy on me even though I don’t deserve it.” Ali smiles back. “Just thinking about your experience…god, that must have been devastating.”

“It was awful.” Mark fully admits. “It was truthfully a full-on heartbreak to end that client relationship with her after being so completely emotionally and physically attached. I struggled with depression in the months following. But that is what it took to stay true to what we do as sex surrogates, to fully engage in the emotional and physical connection we build with a client in order to meet their treatment goals. In the rare scenario like this where it gets so serious, it means truly sacrificing your heart and happiness.”

“Wow.” Ali blows out a long breath, feeling jittery now. “So the path forward is to give yourself over to that person completely, all the while knowing that it is going to end and take you down with it.”

“Yes.” Mark says straight-forwardly. “I don’t envy what you’re about to do.”

“It worked out for you.” Ali says half hopefully.

“It did.” He nods. “That’s where it gets most complicated and hardest. The client-therapist relationship has to end for two reasons. One, it’s not appropriate to date your client for all the reasons we already talked about in terms of power-dynamic and ethics. Two, no matter how much the client returns the feelings you have for them, it’s rare that those feelings are rooted in something greater than the unique situation you are in.”

“Right, same way just about every client thinks they are in love with you. But then once they end sessions and get back to their real life with being able to have normal sex again, they realize they were only in love with you because of the way the therapy made them feel and their trust in you. That it wasn’t a true romantic attachment like they thought.” Ali replies knowingly.

“Exactly. These more intense situations are often no different on the client’s part, just different for you because of how much more deeply invested you are in them.” Mark affirms. “Chances are that once they walk away from therapy, you won’t see them back at your door. I’d say I got lucky in that regard. My wife and I happened to randomly reconnect in a non-therapy setting, still found ourselves having those feelings after we had both been with other people, and we pursued them at that point. The odds of that are probably slim to none.” He looks at her sympathetically. “Some people still wouldn’t agree with us being together, but I did what was right for me.”

“Right, I know. I suppose that’s the point though…our job is to do everything we can to make sure clients can successfully achieve their sexual desires outside of therapy and with other people.” Ali says evenly.

“Yep, what we do best. And also why people will never fully understand how much we put into our jobs as surrogates and that it’s never just casual sex for pay.” Mark shrugs.

Ali drops her forehead into her hand again. “Fuck, this is going to suck.”

“I won’t lie to you, it’s gonna hurt.” He frowns slightly. “But you know, it’s wonderful in many ways too. The best you can do is forget the end that is looming in the distance and fully enjoy the present for what it is. It’s wonderful to be in love, nothing compares of course. So, enjoy it. Enjoy being with someone who you are so in tune with and do the best you can.” He gives her his best advice. “And Ali, now that you know I’ve been there…you can call me anytime to talk if you want to. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.”

“Thank you, Mark. Really. I can’t say I knew exactly what I was expecting to come from this conversation today, but this far exceeded whatever it was.” Ali says gratefully. “I owe you like 5 drinks at our next surrogate social event.”

“And I’ll hand them right over to you, you’re gonna need them.” Mark gives her a knowing look. “I’ll settle for just you talking to me at an event. Maybe when people see superstar Ali Krieger talking to me, they’ll think I’m less of a creeper.” He adds with a laugh.

“Ugh, I’m such an asshole. So sorry! And here I am soliciting all this advice from you.” Ali cringes at herself.

“Don’t be. For the record, I actually did kinda think you were an uptight bitch and I didn’t seek you out either.” Mark shrugs with a smile. “We’re even.”

“Fair.” Ali agrees and laughs, drinking the last of her coffee. “Can I ask you one more question?” She decides it can’t hurt to see what he has to say.

“Sure.” Mark replies.

“I’m still on the early side of sessions with my client, so there hasn’t been much physical intimacy. I find myself not quite able to pinpoint what exactly it is that has me feeling so differently with her. I know that, in part, it’s who she is as a person of course. But my approach with her thus far is the same I have taken with all my clients. And it’s not like I haven’t had feelings for other clients, so I’m a little lost on why exactly this stands out so much when the physical aspects are still so minimal.” Ali pauses. “Not that it likely matters why, just that it’s happening. But still, it keeps my mind occupied.”

“Understandable. So, what’s your question exactly?” Mark asks curiously.

“Well, I’m sure it’s personal and unique to your experience…but, was there something obvious that stood out for you with your wife when she was your client?” Ali asks. “Totally don’t have to answer that.”

“There absolutely was and I don’t mind answering.” Mark says right away. “Like you, I felt something different very early on. And it was simply in the way she approached me. No matter what I felt with other clients or what the emotions were, the physical mechanics always felt the same. I may have felt some love for other clients, but as soon as you get to the physical intimacy, it’s all about the sex. Does that make sense to you?”

“Oh definitely.” Ali nods knowingly. “The second you start getting into touching and anything sexual, it starts to feel like unexperienced teenagers. Like this over-eagerness where the client is just anxious or focused on the sex. All the prior emotional build up then gets a bit lost in that.”

“Right, exactly that. Anyway, it never really felt that way with my wife even from the minimal early physical contact. It didn’t feel like she was ever kissing me with the intention of sex or some pre-determined purpose. It was, I don’t know… deeper than that in some way. Like she was kissing me to show me how she felt, like she was trying to share herself with me. It was as if all that mattered was our emotional connection, as if everything would be perfectly great even if we never did more than kiss each other. That I was the important thing to her and not what we were doing.” Mark describes it with a little smile on his lips. “And that was really cheesy, but you asked.”

“Jesus.” Ali whispers softly, her stomach tumbling in an exciting way. That’s exactly what it is, Ashlyn kisses her like she’s sharing all of herself with no other agenda than wanting Ali to know it and feel it too. _She’s sharing her heart. She’s kissing me to show me...how did I not see it?!_

“What?” Mark looks at her carefully, seeing an almost enlightened look on her face. “Hit a bit close to home?”

“Ha, close to home? That’s the understatement of the year. It’s like you’re in my damn shower with me right now.” Ali buries her face in her hands, excited and also a bit terrified of the full realization of what is happening between her and Ashlyn.

“Ali Krieger…you got it bad.” Mark can’t help but tease her a bit.

“Apparently.” Ali can only laugh now at how obvious it is.

“It’ll be okay. I’m half the surrogate you are and somehow I survived. You’re gonna be fine, Ali.” Mark encouraged her.

“Thanks for the pep talk.” Ali smiles.

“Anytime!” Mark replies kindly. “I should get going, I have an appointment in 30 minutes.”

“Definitely don’t let me keep you. I don’t even know how to thank you. This was a real eye-opener that I desperately needed. I thought my best friend was crazy when she told me I should talk to you. I should know better that she’s always right.” Ali reveals.

“Smart woman, keep her in your inner circle!” Mark jokes. “It was no trouble. I’m actually glad you asked me to meet. Who knew we’d be better friends and colleagues after this? I look forward to our next chat, which again, call me anytime.”

“I so owe you, thanks again.” Ali says genuinely. “Have a great rest of the day, Mark.” She gives him a little wave as he starts to head out.

“You too!” Mark calls over his shoulder and walks towards to the door, giving her a thumbs up on his way out.

She doesn’t have a drop of coffee left and she knows she needs to get back to her office if she’s going to type up the notes from her routine therapy client this morning before she has another one this afternoon, but Ali is rooted to her seat with her mind swirling at everything she just came to realize.

For someone who is usually so confident, she feels an odd sense of nervousness even in the midst of an overwhelming sense of calm right now. She knows the path forward and she knows how it ends. All she has to do now is give in and go with it.

She also suddenly knows for absolute certain that Ashlyn Harris will be her last ever sex surrogate client. She’s given everything to this job and to her clients. All but one thing. She’s given her time, attention, passion, devotion, mind, and body to help people make the love and sex lives they dream of a reality. But this time, this last time, she knows that she’ll truly give it all. Ashlyn Harris will get the one thing she’s never fully given anyone quite like this before… her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts on Mark and his advice? Any guesses on how Ali approaches the next session?


	15. Breathe, Old Lady (Session 6-Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :::::::::::Loud Groan::::::: NCC again? Ugh! Am I right? But let's casually forget that just happened and focus on this new chapter! 
> 
> I think you'll enjoy the chapters this week as these two get a bit more physical. This first part mostly sets the stage and then part two coming on Weds is twice as long as this one ;-) Hope you have a fabulous start to the week!  
As always, tell me what you're thinking in the comments!

Session 6 (Part 1) – Breathe, Old Lady

Ashlyn stretches out her body, feeling her muscles loosen a bit. She reaches for her phone, finding ten new text messages. _10:00am._ She hasn’t slept in quite this late in months, but it’s for the best. Knowing Whit would never let her step foot in the office today, sleeping in this morning is a great way to kill time so she doesn’t spend the whole day overthinking her session with Ali this evening. She’s a little nervous about it, but she also can’t wait.

She spends a few minutes reading over the group texts her friends sent this morning with a smile on her face, shooting them a quick reply and promising she’ll meet them tonight at Nancy’s Whiskey Pub like they requested. She stretches her back out one more time before heating up a prepped frittata that Parker made and settling herself in front of the TV for her traditional viewing of _Gleason_.

When the movie is over, she hits her home gym hard for an hour until every inch of her body burns from the exertion before jumping into the shower to rinse off. She doesn’t bother to wash or style her hair, knowing that her stylist is just going to do it all over again anyway. She throws on some clothes and a hat and is out the door for her hair appointment, knowing a fresh fade will help give her some extra confidence today.

She’s back shortly after 3pm, just enough time to freshen up a bit, find a comfortable outfit that works, and get herself mentally prepared before Ali gets here. For the first time in a long time, she actually feels really positive about today. How could she not? She’ll be kissing Ali Krieger, probably a lot, and she’s pretty sure nothing could top that right now.

\------------------------------------

Ali quickly checks the clock in her living room on her way into the kitchen. _1:25pm_. Since she’s opting for the 20-minute walk to Ashlyn’s place today, that leaves her about two hours to get herself ready and out the door. She’s looking forward to a long hot shower before she leaves, so she doesn’t delay and quickly puts the bakery box in the fridge.

She’s pulling her shirt over her head in the laundry room when the doorbell rings. “Ugh.” She huffs and quickly puts the shirt back on as she rushes over to the door, opening it to find her neighbor standing there.

“Hey Tom!” Ali smiles at him. He always looks like he just stepped out of the 1960s even though he’s only 5 years older than she is. Today it’s high-waist, blue-plaid pants with a mustard yellow sweater, his shaggy hair hanging down just over the top of his black rimmed glasses.

“Hi Ali! By 3pm on Friday, just like I promised…actually I’m an hour early.” Tom says proudly as he holds up a record album.

“Oh wow, I really thought you were kidding about that. Come on in.” Ali replies with wide eyes as he walks into her entranceway and stands there. “I figured you just had a question for me or something. I thought you once told me it takes like 2 weeks to make a record?” She never thought having a neighbor who owned a vinyl record-pressing business would come in handy, but is now very glad she had listened so closely to Tom drone on about it during their occasional neighbor get-togethers.

“Well, it usually does because we send them out to another company to cut the original lacquer disc and make the stamp before it comes back to us to press it. It’s cheaper and more efficient that way, but I have equipment to cut the disc and make the stamp, which doesn’t take all that long. So, I did this one for you myself.” Tom says easily. “To fit all the music you wanted and keep the sound quality acceptable, I put it on two two-sided records. Made you two copies of the set in case you wanted an extra. And I have the stamps made for them now, so if you want more copies, just tell me.”

“Oh my gosh, thank you! You didn’t have to work so hard to rush this, but I majorly appreciate it.” Ali takes the records he handed her. “This is perfect, you’re the best!” She adds excitedly, especially knowing that she can now do everything to the fullest today. “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, nothing at all. On the house, happy to do it for you.” Tom waves her off.

“No way, Tom! I know these are expensive. Really, what do I owe you?” She insists.

“Absolutely not!” Tom adamantly shakes his head at her. “I’ve been trying to find a way to thank you for years. Not only did you move my car every single day for over a month last year when I broke my foot so it wouldn’t get towed, but you also always get my mail and feed my fish when I’m away. About damn time I can do something in return and I’m not taking a damn cent for it!”

“Alright, alright. Are you sure?” Ali checks one more time.

“Positive! Enjoy them. I actually haven’t cut a record by myself in like a year, it was fun to do it.” Tom assures her.

“You are the best, seriously.” Ali repeats and gives him a quick hug. “Have you heard from Bethany?” Tom’s fiancée is an autism education specialist who is on her second volunteer assignment with the Peace Corps. This time she’s in a part of India that isn’t the safest place for women, so she and Kyle check in on Tom as much as they can.

“Yes, we talked yesterday. All is going well.” Tom answers with a big smile.

“Glad to hear it.” Ali smiles back at him. “We need to plan for dinner and drinks so you don’t work yourself into the ground while she’s gone. My place this time. I’ll figure out with Kyle which days might work in the next couple weeks and text you.”

“Sounds great. But only if the pizza is on me this time.” Tom replies.

“Deal.” Ali agrees.

“I gotta grab a quick bite at home and get back to the shop.” Tom motions towards the door.

“And I better get myself showered because I have an appointment to get to.” Ali walks him to the door. “I can’t thank you enough for doing this.”

“My pleasure, truly. Tell Kyle I said hi.” Tom gives her a little wave.

“Will do! Have a good rest of the day!” Ali returns the wave as he walks the short distance to his condo right next door.

She shuts the door and leans against it for a minute, blowing out a light breath. After meeting with Mark on Wednesday morning, she immediately agonized over how she was going to play things today. In the end, she had spent the rest of Wednesday afternoon putting deep thought into song selection, visiting Tom’s shop that evening, and placing an order at her favorite bakery. She wasn’t expecting the record to be done for today and was planning to go with an electronic playlist, but there’s no going back now. She’s all in.

\------------------------------------------------

“Hello Ms. Harris, it’s Phil at the security desk. The lovely Ms. Krieger is here to see you.” Phil’s voice sounds over the phone line.

“Thanks, Phil. Send her up.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes at his tone, he clearly thinks they’re dating. “And wipe the know-it-all smirk off your face, I can hear it in your voice.” She adds with a little laugh.

“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Phil plays back. “I’ll send her up. Have a pleasant evening, Ms. Harris.”

As usual, her stomach starts excitedly fluttering the second she hears the whir of the elevator, amplifying steadily until the door finally opens to reveal the gorgeous brunette who always has a brighter than sunshine smile for her.

“Hi Alex.” Ashlyn immediately moves to help her take off her coat.

“Hi.” Ali smiles at the now commonplace gesture, watching Ashlyn hang her coat. As soon as the woman turns back around, Ali goes in for a hug, smiling even wider when she feels Ashlyn squeeze her a little tighter and hold on slightly longer than she has before.

“You look comfy and your hair looks fab.” Ali compliments as they pull away, her mouth going a bit dry at the sculpted and inked arms on full display. Ashlyn is dressed in a pair of slim-fitting gray joggers and a loose black tank shirt, showing the most skin she has since the first session where they fully stripped down.

“Thanks, just got a cut.” Ashlyn runs her hand over the back of her head. “As for this…” She motions to her outfit. “You said easy access, you get easy access.” She shrugs. “And you look perfect as usual.” Her eyes rake over Ali’s outfit of black leggings and a low-cut, white, v-neck t-shirt with a black sports bra strap peeking out of the neckline.

“I’m not sure I exactly said the words ‘easy access’, but I do like that you follow directions.” Ali banters back and slips off her shoes. “And thank you, always so sweet.”

“You make it easy.” Ashlyn shrugs again with a little smile on her face. “Make yourself at home.” She motions to the couch and watches Ali walk over there with the sizeable brown paper bag that she walked in with. “What’s that?” She’s asks curiously as she sits down on the couch next to Ali, pointing to the bag that is now sitting at her feet.

“We’ll get to that in just a minute, but I wanted to have a discussion first.” Ali gets right to it.

“Is everything ok?” Ashlyn asks in concern at the way the brunette is seemingly getting right down to business.

“Totally ok, promise.” Ali reassures her and reaches for her hand. “It’s just that today we are moving forward with some physical steps, and I want to make sure that I get something emotionally significant across to you.”

“I’m listening.” Ashlyn nods.

“I told you right from the beginning that my attraction to you, the way I am feeling in our sessions…that it’s different than I have ever experienced with a client. It’s a good thing, just different and I’ve had to be careful to make sure I process it.” Ali starts there.

“Right, we’ve talked about it a bit.” Ashlyn nods.

“I’m not in any position to put definitive words to it, but let me be clear that over the course of our sessions so far… I have a lot of strong feelings for you, Ash. Really great ones that just seem to grow every time.” Ali finds hazel eyes and smiles.

“Likewise.” Ashlyn beams back, trying to stay cool even while her heart jumps.

“I’ve noticed.” Ali laughs lightly and squeezes her hand. “So bottom line, there’s a lot going on between us. And I’ve taken some time now to really think about it deeply and figure out the best way to move forward with this.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn doesn’t know what else to say, unsure of where this is going. Her stomach churns a bit anxiously.

“I’ve never held myself back with my clients and I’m not going to start now. I believe that the key to success is to completely and openly go with whatever the situation dictates and stay true to it, no matter what the emotions involved are.” Ali explains. “But I also can’t pretend that you are just like every other client…you’re not. You mean more to me than that.”

“So, what does that mean?” Ashlyn asks softly, hopefully.

“It just means that I’m committed to fully letting myself feel and act on whatever happens between us. It means that I’m openly allowing myself to do what my heart tells me to, even if it takes me to a place I haven’t experienced or is not at all how I’ve done things before.” Ali watches Ashlyn’s lips curl into smile.

“I like how that sounds.” Ashlyn admits freely with a huge grin.

“But…” Ali puts the brakes on a bit.

“Ah, the mighty ‘but’…” Ashlyn says knowingly.

“Yeah, there has to be a ‘but’ here.” Ali says regrettably and finishes her thought. “But… this has to stay within the context of our sessions. I need to stay true to the goal of why I am really here even while I stay true to what is happening between us. Do you understand?”

“I think so.” Ashlyn thinks it over. “Pretty much what Nancy tried to explain and also what we started to talk about before. You’re saying this might move forward like a romantic relationship, but we stick to the sessions structure and the base of this being therapy. So, it’s not any kind of relationship other than therapist and client, right? Like it’ll feel as if we’re dating sometimes, except we’re not really dating at all?”

“Probably as close as we’re gonna get to defining it, yes.” Ali confirms. “I get the feeling that once we really get into this, it’s going to get pretty deep. I just want to make sure we’re both clear that the end goal is the same…that the end is the same.” She trails off in almost whisper.

“I promise you that I understand that...the end thing.” Ashlyn says quietly, feeling like she has a boulder in her stomach at the thought. She lets a long silent minute pass between them before finding her words again. “Doesn’t mean I can’t choose to forget about it and appreciate our time until then.” She adds more resolutely, her eyes locking onto Ali’s with a meaningful look.

“That’s my game plan too.” Ali smiles and squeezes Ashlyn’s hand tightly.

“Good. Stage set then. Show time?” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows and breaks the tension with some humor.

“Settle down, Stanford.” Ali laughs. “Now that I know we’re on the same page, on to my very important first order of business.” She reaches into the bag to pull out a medium-sized box and hands it to Ashlyn. “Here’s to doing things differently and exactly the way I want to.” She smiles sweetly.

“What’s this?” Ashlyn eyes the bakery box in her hands as she opens it, the cursive black label on it reading: _Lord’s Bakery. Brooklyn, NY_.

“That is the best red velvet cake on the planet. Happy birthday, Ash!” Ali says cheerily, watching the woman’s jaw drop open slightly at the small cake inside the box. “Welcome to 32, old lady! From experience, I can tell you that it feels just like 31, but nothing like 22.”

“If I’m an old lady, what does that make you?” Ashlyn chooses to tease while she attempts to collect her thoughts and get a handle on the overwhelming level of emotion she feels at the moment.

“A fine wine, duh.” Ali jokes back. “Really though, happy birthday!”

“How did you…” Ashlyn trails off, still looking stunned at the beautifully decorated little cake that reads ‘Happy Birthday, Sexy Stanford!’ in dark red icing.

“Your birthdate is in your file.” Ali answers and tries to read the look on the woman’s face. “I hope this is okay.”

“Right, duh.” Ashlyn nods. “This is wow…just wow. It’s wonderful. Thank you, Alex.” She leaves it at that for now, her voice is soft and sincere, her eyes the slightest bit glassy. “Can we eat it?” She perks up with a dimpled grin.

“Well, I didn’t bring it so we could look at it!” Ali laughs and gets a chuckle in return. “Prepare to have your world rocked, even if you don’t like red velvet cake.”

“Haven’t met a cake I don’t like, so I’m sure I’ll be rocked.” Ashlyn watches the brunette walk right into her kitchen, easily finding the plates, forks, and a knife as if she lives here. Something about that makes her feel simultaneously giddy and calm inside. “Good memory.” She comments with a smile as Ali returns.

“More like decent memory. But even if you hadn’t let me help with dishes the time we had dinner here, you have everything so organized that I’m sure I’d find my way around the kitchen just the same.” Ali cuts into the cake and serves Ashlyn a slice.

“Sooo, ‘sexy’ huh?” Ashlyn looks at the brunette with a raised eyebrow, seeing the iced word on her slice of cake.

“Just having a little fun, but have you seen your arms?” Ali motions to them as she eats a bite of her cake. “And your impeccable hair, those mesmerizing hazel eyes, and that dimple that I’m sure has made every woman you’ve ever met swoon and I’m sure just as many men too.”

“I worked out this afternoon, of course my arms look a bit inflated right now.” Ashlyn shrugs off the compliment with a slight blush. “This cake is fucking amazing! How did I not know this existed in NYC?!”

“Workout, sure. I call ‘em like I see ‘em, Stanford.” Ali smirks. “And sooo amazing! I’m not even a big red velvet fan, but Lord’s Bakery is world renown for it. The rest of their stuff is nowhere near this good in my opinion.”

They eat their cake in silence for a couple minutes until Ali decides to break it. “So, what did you do today other than workout? Anything fun or did you have to work?”

“Whit never lets me work on my birthday.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “Didn’t do anything major. I slept in a little, watched _Gleason_, worked out, and showered. Pretty typical birthday.” She says nonchalantly.

“You always watch _Gleason_ on your birthday?” Ali hones in on that, knowing the documentary connects the short-haired woman to her mother in some sense.

“Yeah. Well sort of. I used to watch this ALS documentary called _I am Breathing_, but then _Gleason_ came out in 2016 and that one hits home hard for me. So I watch that one now.” Ashlyn pushes some icing around her plate a bit, trying to find the words to explain. “We kind of talked about it before, but that movie helps me understand what she went through. I guess I just want the reminder of what she sacrificed so I could be here, you know? Maybe like a way of honoring her, something like that.”

Ali nods, but chooses not to say anything. She puts her empty plate on the coffee table and reaches to take Ashlyn’s plate as well.

“That was really good, Alex. Exactly what I needed.” Ashlyn leans in and kisses Ali on the cheek.

“I’m glad.” Ali smiles at the contact and then stays quiet because it seems like Ashlyn wants to say something else.

“My birthday is, uh, complicated for me I guess. This…” Ashlyn points to the rest of the cake on the coffee table. “You doing this for my birthday, just something simple like this, it was perfect. Thank you.”

“Talk to me about it.” Ali adjusts her body and leans into Ashlyn’s side a bit. “I implicitly get why there are mixed emotions about your birthday, but talk to me about it anyway.”

“Uh, ok.” Ashlyn is taken slightly off-guard by the request. Outside of the obviously bad history related to her birthday and making sure her close friends know she doesn’t like big parties, it’s not something she really talks about with anyone in any great depth...not even Whitney.

“I mean, my birth is just entwined with the death of my Mom, no way around that. And then after that, there’s the memory of all those big birthday parties my Dad always threw me when I was a kid. Which in hindsight now have a whole different feel to them. Then there was my 11th birthday when my Dad told me I looked like my Mom and shit started to hit the fan. And my 12th birthday which I have no recollection of because I was in a drug-induced coma.” Ashlyn’s voice is flat and even.

“Jesus.” Ali whispers, unable to hold back her reaction to that last part. She knew in her gut it had been life-threateningly bad, but Ashlyn hadn’t outright said it.

“Guess we didn’t get that far before.” Ashlyn leans her head on Ali’s. “My body was a real mess and definitely in severe shock. Being a younger age and the high likelihood of infection… I was unconscious when I was brought to the hospital, so they chose to keep me that way for a while to let me heal better.” She feels Ali entwine their hands. “All my birthdays since then have been generally the same. I acknowledge it, but don’t make a big deal of it. Quality time spent with close friends or family when my grandma was still alive, but no big celebrations or parties.”

“And you like it that way?” Ali asks gently.

_She always knows. _Ashlyn is again taken aback by the question, one that no one has ever bothered to ask. “Can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything and everything.” Ali squeezes her hand encouragingly.

“You really want to know?” Ashlyn checks again.

“I really do. I want to know every single thing you’re willing to share with me.” Ali assures her.

“My birthday reminds of depressing things, but at the same time it’s still my birthday. It’s nice be acknowledged and celebrated. But then with everything else, it makes me feel weird to be celebrated or to want to be…like it’s stupid to even bother. I guess that’s why I feel better when I’m not making a big deal out of it.” Ashlyn quickly puts it out there before she can change her mind. “I’ve never said that out loud before.” She adds with a shrug.

“Thanks for trusting me enough to say it out loud.” Ali moves her free hand to the back of Ashlyn’s neck and pulls her in a little closer. “Can I give you my take on what you said?”

“Definitely.” Ashlyn says with a content smile, feeling Ali settle back against her shoulder.

“I can understand the conflict you must feel about your birthday. But I think that you deserve to be celebrated without feeling bad about it. You don’t have to feel bad about wanting to feel loved and acknowledged on a special day, especially not over circumstances you had no control over. And I know me saying that doesn’t just automatically change how you’ll feel…but just, you deserve to be celebrated and it’s not stupid to want that.” Ali says caringly.

“The rational side of me knows that, but there’s also a small part of me that fights it. I guess I just need the reassurance sometimes.” Ashlyn replies appreciatively at the sincere statement that does actually make her feel a little better.

“One more thing.” Ali says and feels Ashlyn nod. “What you said about your mom before, about her sacrificing for you. I’m just going to say this with the hope that someone else has already said it to you. She did sacrifice for you. But Ash, I hope you don’t carry that burden on yourself. Put yourself in her shoes. She knew the time was short no matter what she chose to do. If you knew you only had so long, and you knew that you could bring a beautiful little life into the world and give it a chance to be so much greater than you…wouldn’t you make the same choice no matter how much it cut your time down?”

“Yeah, I would.” Ashlyn answers even though she knows Ali wasn’t necessarily expecting an answer.

“Me too.” Ali says softly. “And look at you. Look at who you are and what you’ve done with your life. It may seem trivial to you and you may not know exactly what you think of your own successes, but you’ve literally changed the world. And to be so genuinely good and kind at the center of it all…” Ali pulls her body away slightly so she can find those hazel eyes. “You are an amazing human being and you have honored your mother tremendously in that. So yeah, you should celebrate it.”

“My grandma used to tell me the same thing, but it’s nice to hear it from someone who isn’t obligated to say it.” Ashlyn confesses with a little chuckle.

“Glad I’m not the only one with some sense.” Ali says lightly.

“And this.” Ashlyn points to the cake. “It means the world to me that you learned and remembered my birthday. I could never have guessed how important it would feel to me for you to acknowledge it. It feels really, really good…just… thank you.” The last few words come out a little choked.

“You’re so welcome.” Ali quickly side hugs her again. “But, I’m not quite done yet.”

“Oh? What else is in that bag of tricks?” Ashlyn jokingly leans forward to try and see inside the bag.

“Just one more little thing.” Ali reaches into the bag and hands the short-haired woman the record that she had Tom make for her.

Ashlyn holds the record and looks over the plain white front cover with a single word written in black on it: Breathe. “How on earth did you know I liked vinyl records?” She asks in awe.

“When you told me to pick out a newspaper for the crossword the other day, I noticed you had a record player in that entertainment center and not the fancy stereo system I would have expected. And I might have thought it was just for show, but you don’t seem to do anything for show and you have a huge collection of vinyl records over there. So, I just went with it.” Ali explains.

“You were right, I’m obsessed with vinyl. Music is just so pure that way.” Ashlyn reveals with a wide smile, beyond moved that the brunette picks up all these seemingly trivial but important little details about her. “I don’t have or know this album.” She looks over the cover again, finding no artist name on it.

“You wouldn’t, it’s an original. Technically a playlist, not an album.” Ali smiles back.

“You made me a mixtape?” Ashlyn asks with the enthusiasm of a 90’s teenager, peeking inside to see that there are two records in there.

_She can’t be any more adorable_. “Pretty much.” Ali laughs, completely delighted by the look on Ashlyn’s face right now. “I like to use music to set the atmosphere for sessions as things move along. I usually ask my client’s if they like a particular kind of music and then just let Spotify or Pandora make a playlist in that genre. If they have no preference, then I use a generic instrumental playlist I have.”

“Changing things up now?” Ashlyn motions to the record.

“For you, yeah.” Ali divulges. “Like I said, I’m going with the flow here. So, I tried to kind of read your general vibe and then combined it with my own vibe to make a playlist for us, and this is what I came up with. Realizing you liked records, I thought this would be a cool gift.” Ali shrugs.

“You had a record made for me?” Ashlyn rephrases in disbelief. “Unreal. It’s so expensive to do that…too expensive.”

“Don’t give me too much credit. I have a connection.” Ali confesses.

“Still. This has to be one of the best and most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever gotten. Truly.” Ashlyn can’t hide how touched she is even if she tried. “You’re wonderful, you know that?”

“Says the woman who hasn’t even looked at the playlist yet. Might be awful.” Ali waits for her to look at it.

Ashlyn finally looks at the back cover, finding a complete song list in small black print.

_Silence_ – Delerium/Sarah McLachlan

_Mad About You_ – Hooverphonic

_Drive_\- Melissa Ferrick

_God is A Woman_\- Ariana Grande

_2U_ – David Guetta/Justin Bieber

_Beggin for Thread_ – Banks

_Day too Soon_ \- Sia

_Collide _– Justine Skye/Tyga

_Blow Your Mind- Dua Lipa_

_That’s the Way Love Goes_ – Janet Jackson

_212 _– Azealia Banks/Lazy Jay

_Black Hole Sun_ – Soundgarden

_Set Fire to the Rain_ – Adele

_Pleasure this Pain_ – Kwamie Liv/Angel Haze

_Sunset Lover_ – Petit Biscuit

_Such Great Heights_ – The Postal Service

_Soulfully _– Catie Curtis

_ILYSB_ – LANY

_Like to Be You_ – Shawn Mendes/Julia Michaels

_Don’t Dream It’s Over_ – Ariana Grande/Miley Cyrus

_Unbelievable. How does she have me so figured out? _Ashlyn quickly makes it all the way down the list, somehow not all that surprised that she knows pretty much all of them…many are favorites. Her own best friends couldn’t come up with a playlist that would pull together the various styles of music she likes. It’s edgy and sexy, but also impassioned and sweet.

“Melissa Ferrick and Catie Curtis?” Ashlyn can’t help but tease. “Oh Ms. Krieger, you _are_ a good lesbian! That’s some pretty obscure lesbian indie right there.”

“Hey now.” Ali scoffs in mock offense and nudges her. “I also happen to like a good Indigo Girls song now and again, so bite me. Those two are east coast artists and they played the local club scene a lot when I was at Harvard. Actually think Melissa Ferrick went to Harvard recently. The question is, how do you know them Florida-Cali girl?”

“My ex, Sophie, was a massive fan of pretty much every big ol’ lesbian indie rocker under the sun. She introduced me to a lot of those style artists and dragged me to a ton of concerts. Ashlyn answers straightforwardly and looks over the list again more carefully. “This is such a good playlist.” Ashlyn muses out loud.

“Yeah?” Ali beams happily that she got this record right.

“So good.” Ashlyn repeats. “_212_, huh? I wouldn’t have guessed you to be quite so explicit, Harvard.” She teases, knowing the hardcore rap song uses practically every vulgar and derogatory word under the sun.

“Well, I do like a little filth.” Ali jokingly bites her lip and sees Ashlyn’s eyebrows raise slightly before laughing. “Kidding, some of this music is more rhythm over lyrics. _212_ totally falls under that category.” She explains.

“Got it.” Ashlyn smiles. “Follow-up question…how exactly does one go from slow vibe Janet Jackson to Azealia Banks and then to Soundgarden?” She points to that part of the playlist. “That’s like whiplash.”

“You’re just gonna have to trust me on that.” Ali gives her a confident smirk.

“But _Black Hole Sun_ though?” Ashlyn playfully judges with a scrunched up nose.

“The most repeated line in that song is ‘won’t you come’.” Ali sasses with a wink.

“Dirty. So, so dirty.” Ashlyn chuckles heartily and gets a loud laugh from the brunette in return which only makes her laugh louder. “So, the only one I don’t know is the last one. I had no idea Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande even collaborated.”

“I’m sure you know the song. It’s a cover of the original one by Crowded House.” Ali tells her. “Lauren Daigle actually does an amazing cover of it too and I was torn on which to go with.”

“Oh yeah, I totally know that song.” Ashlyn realizes.

“I’ll unabashedly admit that I like the Miley and Ariana version best. And I even like some Bob Dylan covers that Miley does better than the originals.” Ali divulges.

“You are a fascinating woman, Harvard.” Ashlyn gives her a sweet smile.

“I hope in a good way.” Ali jokes back and looks up to find Ashlyn looking at her so intently, her eyes warm and beseeching.

“Well, you did come in like a wrecking ball.” Ashlyn tries to deadpan with a Miley Cyrus joke, but fails and breaks out into another laugh that gets the two of them giggling again before she stops and gets serious.

“Alex…” Ashlyn’s voice is low and husky.

“Yeah?” Ali feels her a tingle spread under her skin at the way her name just came out of Ashlyn’s mouth, the way the woman’s face just went from mirthful to passionate in mere seconds.

“I really love this.” Ashlyn’s choice of words is poignant. “We’ve spent less than a combined total of 24 hours together, and somehow you seem to know me better than people who have been in my life for years. I’m so incredibly grateful for you.”

“I’m happy you like it.” Ali finds herself unable to come up with anything else to say with Ashlyn looking at her like this right now…like she’s the only person left on the planet. The air between them is thick, the atmosphere completely shifting. “Maybe you can go put it on for us?” She suggests, reaching down to lightly squeeze the short-haired woman’s lower thigh to get her point across.

“I can do that.” Ashlyn whispers, a smile playing at her lips as she gets up and walks towards the record player.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were in need of a good tried and true playlist... ya welcome ;-) Next update on Wednesday!


	16. Stand Out (Session 6-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to see how the rest of Ashlyn's birthday plays out. It's gonna get a little warm in here, but we're just getting started :-)  
As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments. And of course... Happy Halloween!
> 
> Also, one lovely reader (thank you, ashlnhrris) was kind enough to put together the playlist from the last chapter so you could all get the full vibe if you wanted to:  
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1fOR5I7Rl1A3b4d2461eQZ?si=FZW_OJ2vQYSwx2e_LF1mWw  
Although I don't allude much more to the playlist in this chapter (other than it being on), elements of it will come into play in future chapters. So, might wanna keep it handy ;-)

Session 6 (Part 2) – Stand Out

_“I really love this.” Ashlyn’s choice of words is poignant. “We’ve spent less than a combined total of 24 hours together, and somehow you seem to know me better than people who have been in my life for years. I’m so incredibly grateful for you.”_

_“I’m happy you like it.” Ali finds herself unable to come up with anything else to say with Ashlyn looking at her like this right now…like she’s the only person left on the planet. The air between them is thick, the atmosphere completely shifting. “Maybe you can go put it on for us?” She suggests, reaching down to lightly squeeze the short-haired woman’s lower thigh to get her point across._

_“I can do that.” Ashlyn whispers, a smile playing at her lips as she gets up and walks towards the record player._

_Continuation…_

Ashlyn pulls the two records out of the cover, putting the first disc on the turntable and the other one on the upper stack so that it will automatically get played once the first is done. She carefully places the needle and hears the familiar little crackling static sounds before the music starts to play. She’s adjusting the volume as the opening notes of _Silence _sound through the room when she hears Ali’s footsteps approaching loudly.

_She remembered._ Ashlyn opts not to turn around even though she can tell that Ali is purposely making extra noise with her feet so that she isn’t startled, clearly being sensitive to the fact that she can feel uneasy about people being behind her. It’s only a few seconds before Ali is there, the brunette’s hands softly running up the length of her back before they move back down and wrap around her waist.

“Hi.” Ali breathes into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck, leaving a feather light kiss on the bare skin there where the edge of a thick scar is visible.

“Hi.” Ashlyn whispers back, breaking out into goosebumps at the touch. _This. This right here. _She closes her eyes and leans back into the brunette a bit more, desperately trying to burn everything about this moment permanently into her brain…Ali’s arms snuggly around her waist, her warm breath on her skin, her front pressed close against her back, the light lavender scent of her shampoo hanging in the air. _If I could live forever in this moment, it would always be more than enough. Just like this._

“You okay?” Ali breaks the silence between them when she feels Ashlyn’s breathing get a little deeper.

“Way better than okay.” Ashlyn moves her hands to hold Ali’s arms which are still around her middle.

“Reminder on the ground rules…hands above the waist, clothes stay on, anything else is fair game.” Ali gently sets the boundaries before they get caught too up in each other.

“Got it.” Ashlyn smiles and softly squeezes the brunette’s forearms in acknowledgement.

“One more thing.” Ali slowly turns Ashlyn around in her arms, putting her hands on her lower back and feeling her follow suit. She meets the shining hazel eyes looking at her expectantly. “You can trust me, Ashlyn. You can trust me to check in with you and make sure you’re okay. You can trust me not to go beyond your comfort zone unless we explicitly agree to push it a bit. You can trust me to listen to your voice and your body language. You can trust me to be gentle and take care of you. You can trust that your comfort, security, and well-being are my only agenda. You can trust that your happiness is my top priority.”

“I trust you.” Ashlyn barely gets it out in a thick raspy whisper, so completely lost in whiskey eyes which make it beyond clear that every single one of those statements is true.

“Good.” Ali smiles sweetly. “But despite all that, promise you’ll talk to me along the way.”

“Promise.” Ashlyn easily agrees.

“Ready?” Ali asks quietly.

“I…” Ashlyn pauses, her eyes never leaving Ali’s. “You’re so beautiful that I can barely breathe right now, let alone move.” She admits, completely entranced.

Ali gently holds Ashlyn’s face with one hand, thumb along her jawline, fingers on the back of her neck. She leans in really close to the woman’s ear and feels her breath hitch. “Inhale… exhale… inhale…exhale.” She quietly repeats a few times until she feels Ashlyn actually doing it. “Perfect.” She leaves a soft kiss on Ashlyn’s lips before dropping her hand down to entwine their fingers. “Come on, Stanford…right foot, left foot, breathe…” She winks and lightly tugs Ashlyn by the hand towards the couch.

“Glad one of us has a grip right now.” Ashlyn laughs at herself as she sits on the couch with Ali sidling up close to her.

“It’s my job to have a grip. And to help you get one too.” Ali plays back. “Just go with what you’re feeling and don’t hesitate, ok?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn nods, definitely ready for whatever is about to happen despite the lingering butterflies in her stomach. It’s almost laughable how quickly she gets discombobulated around this woman.

Ali curls herself close into Ashlyn’s side and completely turns her body so she’s facing her. She rests her hand on the short-hair woman’s firm bicep and slowly moves it up to the top of her shoulder, up the side of her neck and back down. The goal is to first relax Ashlyn, but when she hears the woman’s breath hitch again, she knows she needs to try a different angle.

_Fuck that feels good, breathe like she said. _All Ashlyn can focus on is how soft and warm Ali’s hand is against her skin, how close they are. She loves being touched, but the brunette’s ministrations bring on an electric tingle that she’s not used to and already completely enraptured by. She closes her eyes and lets herself melt into it.

Ali moves to use both of her hands now, one coming resting just below the back of Ashlyn’s neck and the other on one of her collarbones. She watches the short-haired woman’s eyes close and starts tracing the lines of the inked leaves around her neck with the pad of her finger.

“Open your eyes and tell me about this one.” Ali requests and continues to trace the tattooed skin.

“My tattoo?” Ashlyn opens her eyes and finds the brunette even closer, whiskey eyes housing a warm curiosity.

“Mhmm.” Ali answers with a little hum.

“Oh…uh, well I have a penchant for ancient history and mythology, but you probably knew that.” Ashlyn motions to her full sleeve tattoo and then to all her library books across the room.

“You never told me why exactly.” Ali says inquisitively.

“Very basically, I just love stories, histories, and symbolism. My interest goes a little deeper than that truthfully, but if I told you the whole wild theory now, you’d probably think I was nuts and leave…and I really like what you’re doing, so don’t wanna chance that.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“I will never think you are nuts.” Ali assures her.

“I know, but really, story for another time and not important for what we’re talking about.” Ashlyn leaves it at that.

“Ok, I’ll hold you to that...go on.” Ali runs both of her hands up the sides of Ashlyn’s neck and down over her shoulders in a repetitive gentle motion.

“It’s a laurel wreath. In ancient Greece, it was a symbol of victory and honor, a symbol of Olympians and champions.” Ashlyn explains. “I got this tattoo when I graduated from Stanford because that is what that accomplishment felt like to me. It was something that I worked so hard for, that I did all by myself with no one’s help, and I’ll forever be proud of that. It was my victory, my greatest honor. Also laurel symbolizes success in academia, hence where word the words laureate and baccalaureate come from. Annnd it looked a million times better than Stanford’s redwood tree logo.” She laughs lightly.

“Is that a knock on my Harvard crest?” Ali playfully raises an eyebrow.

“Never.” Ashlyn moves her hand to Ali’s hip, pressing her thumb gently into the spot where she knows that little shield tattoo lies beneath the layers of clothes. She almost doesn’t realize how at ease she was in doing that, how much more relaxed she’s feeling, until she catches Ali’s eyes briefly flutter closed at the contact. _She is way too good at this._

“Also in Greek mythology, Eros got tired of Apollo always shrugging him off. So, he shot Apollo with an arrow that made him fall in love with a nymph named Daphne. No matter how hard Apollo tried to win her over, she rebuffed him. And she eventually transformed herself into laurel to escape him. That’s why Apollo always wore a wreath of laurel to symbolize her.” Ashlyn continues on.

“I never knew that.” Ali keeps her hands moving along Ashlyn’s arms, shoulders, and neck while she’s completely drawn in by her voice, by the passion in it.

“So, the laurel also reminds me that I can always transform myself. No matter what I face or what comes at me, I hold the strength and the will to let it change who I am in a way that allows me come out better than before.” Ashlyn can’t stop studying Ali’s face, the way the brunette is looking at her so intently and hanging on her every word like she’s telling her some great mystery. It makes her feel a deep sense of importance, a sense of worth that’s as soothing as the touches on her body.

Ali lifts both of her hands up to hold Ashlyn’s face, thumbs along her defined jawline. “You are officially the most profound person I know.” She leans in and captures her lips gently, kissing her slowly for a few seconds. Just as Ashlyn starts to register and kiss her back, Ali moves to drag her lips across her chin and down the middle of her neck, hearing Ashlyn gasp lightly when she reaches the hollow of her throat. She feels the short-haired woman’s grip tighten on her hip as her other hand comes to rest on her lower back, pulling her in further so that she’s almost hovering over Ashlyn now. The action eggs Ali on, nipping along the side of the woman’s neck until she gets to the inked words on the top of her shoulder peeking out of the tank shirt.

“Tell me about these.” Ali asks softly, leaving an open-mouth kiss on the last few letters of the word ‘speaks’ before she settles her head comfortably into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck and waits, almost sitting in her lap.

“Knowledge speaks. Wisdom listens.” Ashlyn quotes the phrases on the tops of her shoulders, hugging the brunette into her chest and enjoying the feel of her weight.

“Technically Jimi Hendrix, even though no one can actually validate that he was the one who first said it.” Ali says knowingly.

“Your intelligence is a real turn on.” Ashlyn smiles into the brunette’s hair when she feels her smiling into her neck. “And yes, exactly right. That quote always reminded me of my Grandpa…he died of heart disease when I was 10. I was close to him, like I was with my Grandma. Typical Grandpa really, spoiled the hell out of me, taught me some important things, smelled like Dr. Pepper, and always had a million sayings.”

Ali just listens, but always keeps at least one hand moving soothingly over the woman’s arms and shoulders. Touch is important to Ashlyn, so she wants to make sure it’s constant and obvious in its presence.

“He always used to say ‘You can’t learn anything if you don’t shut up.’” Ashlyn reminisces out loud. “I got this tattoo when I needed that advice the most. When I was working at Google and was ready to explode over being treated like a minion. It reminded me that I could learn a whole lot more by being observant and open to my surroundings than if I just ran my know-it-all mouth and burned my bridges there. It was good advice… we partnered with Google Analytics shortly after Instagram took off and it was a huge profit leap for both of us.”

_She’s so astute, truly marvelous human. _“Is there anything you’re not good at?” Ali lifts her head to look at Ashlyn.

“Sex?” Ashlyn blurts out with a shrug, making both of them laugh.

“Highly doubtful, but I’ll definitely let you know.” Ali jokes further, another laugh escaping her lips.

_That laugh. _The intention behind brunette’s statement combined with that perfect jubilant laugh makes everything inside Ashlyn flutter again. But she quickly finds her anxiety soaring as her mind wanders further to the possibility of not being able to physically perform the way she wants to with Ali.

“Gonna need you to reel that brain back in for me, ok Stanford? Think it went far enough.” Ali can immediately sense the shift in Ashlyn’s attention in the few moments of silence between them. “One step at a time, stay with me.”

_Of course, mind reader. _“Right, ok. I’m with you.” Ashlyn takes a breath and leans her head back for a second before looking back down at Ali and moving her hand from the brunette’s hip to her lower back so she can hold her even closer.

“Much better.” Ali smiles and just moves right along, kissing the top of Ashlyn’s left arm. “Who is this?” She runs her fingertip over the tattoo of a woman with the spear on Ashlyn’s inner bicep.

“Athena.” Ashlyn replies. “And down there is Zeus.” She turns her arm so Ali can see the bearded likeness.

“Athena was Zeus’ daughter, right? Wasn’t Athena born from his head after he swallowed her mother because of a prophecy about the powerful children she would have?” Ali tries to remember from her high school mythology class.

“Impressive, Harvard.” Ashlyn compliments her. “Zeus swallowed a pregnant Metis because he feared her having his children. And so Athena was born from his head. She was immediately his favorite and the only one of his children that he didn’t neglect or war with. He was majorly overprotective of her and all she ever wanted was to be independent and her own person. Notice any parallels?” She quirks an eyebrow.

“Wow.” Ali whispers as it hits her just how deep the ink on this woman’s skin really goes.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods. “Not that me being my father’s favorite was bad really…just, his princess had to grow up. And when she looked into the mirror and started to see her mother in the reflection, everything shattered.” She elaborates in a soft voice as she moves Ali’s hand to the tattoo next to Athena, the one of a princess looking into a cracked mirror.

“And not because she did anything wrong, but because she couldn’t stop time and the hourglass she was living in was going to bust open when she grew too big for it.” Ashlyn stays the course and moves the brunette’s hand down to the cracked hourglass with the tree inside. “Took me a long time to learn that. To realize that I couldn’t control those things, but that I could change my nightmares into dreams and set myself free.” She ends by dragging Ali’s hand down to the dreamcatcher on her forearm whose feathers transform into flying birds. “I got this sleeve done during my first year in college, it’s my childhood, my story.”

Ali wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s shoulders and hugs her tight while doing her best to swallow down the lump in her throat and compose herself. Everything she said was so raw and incredibly tangible, from a place of pure vulnerability. She can’t explain the level pride she feels for this woman that she technically barely knows, she just knows it’s there and it’s off the charts.

“You’re beautiful…” It’s all Ali can voice when she finally pulls back a bit and finds Ashlyn’s eyes. “Beautiful, beautiful human.”

Ashlyn simply leans in and leaves a quick kiss on Ali’s lips before smiling at her. “And this arm represents my journey forward, still a work in progress.” She shifts to hold up her right arm and keeps going, watching Ali pull back enough from their hug to look at it.

“The owl is my watcher in the night. My reminder to be wise and keep my head during hard times, that I can shine my own light when I walk down a dark path.” Ashlyn explains the image of the owl that transforms into a person walking through dark trees at the bottom. “The roses blooming from this transitioning face remind me that beautiful things can grow from the darkest corners of your mind.” She watches Ali trace the skull cracks in the inked woman’s face on her outer forearm before the brunette’s eyes trail upward.

“This one makes my heart hurt just looking at it.” Ali admits after a few seconds of silence while she looks closely at the design on Ashlyn’s upper arm. It’s honestly one of the most powerful and moving tattoos she has ever seen, but it invokes such a sense of pain too. How could it not? It’s a terrified looking girl trying to cover herself with her arms, the word ‘broken’ taped over her mouth, a downward spiral behind her. And the hard, permanent words all around her… freak, hopeless, friendless, crazy, don’t associate with her, disappointing, fake. It’s brutal.

“I got this one just last year, when I finally felt like I had overcome this part of myself. When I felt like I understood it all well enough to really let it go.” Ashlyn reveals. “It’s baffling what people will say when they don’t think you can hear them, and even sometimes when they know you can. Makes it easy to be a lone wolf when the words that those people will never even remember that they said get so branded into your being that you believe them. And it’s amazing how easily you fall into believing that being alone is better for you even though you actually hate being alone.”

“The things you have been through…” Ali reacts in a barely audible whisper.

“Have taught me a whole lot.” Ashlyn finishes the brunette’s sentence and smiles. “I’m actually grateful for that. For a long time, I convinced myself that I didn’t need love in my life to be okay. And I thought that realization meant that I had overcome my past. But, I was wrong about that. I more recently realized that I absolutely do need love and people in my life that support me. I just don’t need romantic love in my life to be okay…there’s a difference. And when that dawned on me, I realized I had finally grown to understand how my past made me a better version of myself. That’s when I was strong enough to get a permanent reminder of where I started, in a place where I could see it all the time.”

“You make everyone else I’ve ever met seem completely and utterly shallow…and I know some pretty philosophical Harvard-types.” Ali does her best to lighten a very heavy moment.

“You just need to hang out with more Stanford alums.” Ashlyn chuckles, shooting Ali a playful look.

“Not sure I fully agree with you though.” Ali says gently and sees Ashlyn look at her with intrigue. “I get what you’re saying about not needing romantic love to be okay. You’re right that you shouldn’t need someone’s love to give you purpose and self-worth, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve the kind of love that can augment it. There’s a difference, you know?”

“I don’t disagree, but like I said… still a work in progress.” Ashlyn shrugs with a little smile. “I really like how you much you challenge things that nobody has ever dared to challenge me on.” She adds frankly.

“Excellent, because I tend to be one of those people that steps forward instead of backing down. People who want to know me need to be ready to learn their limits because I’m pretty sure I don’t really have any. I can be a real fucker like that.” Ali chortles loudly and buries her head into Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“Well then, challenge accepted, fucker.” Ashlyn deadpans before breaking out into a deep laugh that feels really good right now. “So, should I keep going?” She asks once the laughing dies down, lifting the left side of her shirt a bit to reveal the colorful bottom edge of her side tattoo.

“That depends.” Ali replies.

“On?” Ashlyn looks at her quizzically.

“Whether or not you’re relaxed and focused enough yet to make out with me… you tell me.” Ali gives her a nose-crinkling grin.

_Unbelievable._ “You are way, way too good.” Ashlyn shakes her head with smile, not noticing until this very moment just how calm and at ease she is; how the lingering nervousness she felt before is gone. The flutter in her stomach is still there, but there’s no hint of anxiety in it now.

“Years of practice.” Ali winks.

Ashlyn lets out a long breath and wraps her arm around Ali’s waist, tugging her over a bit until the brunette is fully on her lap and no longer slightly off to one side of it. She moves her free hand to gently hold Ali’s face and locks her gaze onto gorgeous whiskey. “Relaxed and focused… take me away, Alex.”

“Good, cause there’s nothing sexier to a therapist than open vulnerability. And you just hit me with a whole lot of it.” Ali smiles warmly and slowly closes the distance, stopping just a hair from Ashlyn’s lips. “I’m not taking you anywhere though, just stay present with me and follow your instincts. Stay right here with me.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn barely manages to mumble out before her mouth finds Ali’s, the kiss immediately deep and breathtaking. Her hands slide back to the brunette’s hips, tightening a bit at what feels like a surge of energy shooting through her chest.

Ashlyn’s lips move effortlessly and apply the perfect pressure and, despite having kissed so many people, Ali finds herself uniquely hooked on this woman. It feels so intimate for a kiss with someone you haven’t known that long, so much affection and fervor behind it that it practically knocks her on her ass and leaves her reeling. Her mind is unusually foggy, and she knows she’s going to have to rely on her natural intuition to lead her this time. She’s too emotionally engaged to expect that her mind will be able to process everything as it happens. For once, she’s going to have to trust that her years of experience will guide her through the challenge of physically exploring with Ashlyn well within the confines of the woman’s comfort zone.

\---

_Don’t pass out. _Ashlyn manages to remind herself just before her might goes blank. She can’t feel her face, there’s a fire in her belly, and her lungs ache for air, but she can only pull Ali in closer as she swipes her tongue across her lower lip to beg for entrance. She expects the brunette to grant her access, but is met with Ali’s tongue in her own mouth in a wonderful twist.

_Her mouth is fucking perfect. _Ali knows she needs to stop to for a breath, but she can’t help herself as she explores Ashlyn’s mouth. Her warmth, her taste, her energy and movement, it just draws her in like a magnet. The intensity seems to just keep rising with no end in sight and she’s content to match it until she feels dizzy, her arms around Ashlyn’s shoulders so tight that they’re practically numb. Only then does she loosen her grip enough to let the blood flow back into her hands, dragging her lips down to Ashlyn’s neck to get the deep intake of breath she desperately needs.

_Jesus, Alex. _Ashlyn’s body feels loose and almost rubbery when Ali pulls away from her lips. She manages a single breath before heat surges through her body again at warm kisses trailing along her jawline. She wills herself to breathe, her fingertips pressed into Ali’s lower back to keep her hands from shaking. _Just breathe…oh. _The skin just below her ear is gently sucked between Ali’s lips and all she can do is whimper as tiny dots of light pop behind her eyelids.

After hearing that whimper, Ali applies more gentle suction to the same spot and earns a breathy gasp. She smirks and can literally feel herself kick into gear, suddenly choosing to pull back and leave a few little kisses on Ashlyn’s chin. She keeps up the soft pecks for just a couple more seconds until she hears exactly what she was waiting for… a low whine of impatience from the short-haired woman whose eyes are now open but slightly hooded.

_Why’d she stop? _Ashlyn can only look at Ali pleadingly, trying to understand that slightly devious smile on her face.

Ali moves her hand up into the back of Ashlyn’s hair and gets as close as she can to the woman’s ear. “Ash, you’re gonna have to tell me.” She keeps her voice low and deep. “Tell me exactly what you want.”

_Oh. My. God. _Ashlyn can only blink her eyes for a moment. The most gorgeous woman she’s ever laid eyes on is straddling her lap, sexy voice in her ear demanding that she tells her what she wants. She feels a foreign combination of nervously out of her element and incredibly turned on. “I want you.” It’s the first thing she can manage to say out loud, and even though she knows that’s not what Ali is looking for, it’s exactly what’s on her mind.

“Well, safe to say that feeling is mutual…but ground rules.” Ali giggles slightly and kisses Ashlyn’s cheek before finding her gaze. “Gonna need you to be a bit more specific, babe.” She keeps her fingers moving along the stubbly hair on the back of Ashlyn’s head.

_Babe… my heart. _Ashlyn feels her palms gets sweaty, her body thrumming at the pet name that just came out of Ali’s mouth.

“Ash?” Ali reaches up to stroke her face as the silent seconds continue to tick on with no response. Ashlyn’s eyes show unmistakable desire, but her expression looks almost overwhelmed. “Hey you…” She hugs her and leans back into her ear. “Remember…inhale…exhale…keep breathing.”

The hug and Ali’s sweet voice bring back some calm. “If I’m breathing, that means this is real…kinda doesn’t feel real.” Ashlyn jokes to pull herself together.

“Don’t make me find a nipple to pinch.” Ali plays back before getting serious. “You okay?”

“I’m so definitely okay. Just really worked up. You have a way of doing that to me, so I’d advise against the nipple…maybe.” Ashlyn smiles.

“It’s the power thighs. As soon as I straddle someone…poof!” Ali keeps up the light teasing.

“As much as I love these thighs…” Ashlyn slides her hands down the brunette’s thighs and back up to her hips, her face changing to match the want in her eyes. “It’s _all_ of you.”

“Easy there, Stanford charm.” Ali presses her forehead against Ashlyn’s and gets back on track. “I’m here for you, just you. Talk to me, tell me what you want.” She requests again.

Ashlyn gives an almost imperceptible little nod, her mind already starting to spin again now that they’re breathing the same air. “Kiss me. And for the love of god, please go back to that spot.” She says just loud enough for Ali to hear her, not able to even manage another breath before the brunette’s lips capture hers.

Ali kisses her hard, tongues desperately sliding against each other for a couple of minutes until she feels Ashlyn’s grip tighten on her hips again and pull her in more. That’s her signal and she ends the kiss slowly, dragging her teeth lightly over Ashlyn’s lower lip. She works her way back to just below her ear and sucks a bit more firmly than last time, but nowhere near hard enough to leave a mark. “That spot?” She husks, before pulling the skin back between her lips.

“Mmmmmyeah…that spot.” Ashlyn’s response comes out in a half-mumble half-moan. She can feel Ali smile against her skin and it just arouses her even more. Her hands slip under the back of the brunette’s shirt and her fingers fan out against soft warm skin that she yearns to feel against every inch of her body.

Ali keeps her tongue and lips working under Ashlyn’s ear until the woman is squirming slightly and she can practically feel the heat coming off of the flush on her chest. Ashlyn’s low moans and little whimpers are becoming more frequent and longer and Ali kisses her hungrily for a minute before trailing along her neck again.

Ashlyn tilts her head back to give Ali free reign, her hands sneaking higher up the brunette’s back, her fingertips now pressing against her bra strap. Ali’s teeth just barely rake against her jaw and it reminds her of what she is supposed to be doing. “Keep going…lower.” She does her best to be direct about what she wants even though it feels foreign for her to be openly demanding like this.

“Good girl.” Ali whispers and nips Ashlyn’s earlobe, following the directions and leaving wet kisses down her neck. Ashlyn’s fingertips dig into her back with greater pressure the lower she gets, and she knows she has to be close when she feels short fingernails dig into her skin.

“Ah, Alex…there. Right… there.” Ashlyn hisses in pleasure, head completely rolling back against the couch when Ali’s mouth latches onto the top of her collarbone. It’s one of the most sensitive spots on her body and she’s not sure how long she’s going to be able to take it, but she doesn’t want it to stop. Mmmm, like that.” She finds herself encouraging the brunette, surprised by the raspy sound of her own voice.

_She smells so good. _Ali loves how easily she can get lost in this woman even though it’s a little bit scary too. She loves how Ashlyn’s unexpectedly soft feminine voice is now deeper and bolder in her fluster, loves how the woman’s strong hands span most of her back and grip her almost protectively. She can taste the salt on Ashlyn’s skin as she works along her collarbone, yet another thing so instantly addicting.

“Inside my shirt.” Ashlyn breathes out when Ali’s hands run across her upper back, desperate to feel the brunette anywhere she can on her skin. She expects to feel Ali’s hands sneak under the bottom hem and up her side, but they don’t… the brunette’s hands tuck right into the upper part of tank shirt near her shoulder blades and start gently rubbing the mess of scars on her back. Her heart practically stops at the purity of the action, the tenderness of it. “You’re perfect, Alex.” Ashlyn whispers with a shaky voice because it feels so good, quickly pulling herself together to make sure she relishes in every second. She wraps her arms tightly around Ali and hugs her, glad that those amazing hands never leave her back.

Ali leaves tiny kisses along the top of Ashlyn shoulder, rubbing the woman’s muscular upper back even as she melts into the hug. Every bump and ridge she feels against her palms just makes her hold Ashlyn a little closer, craning her neck so her lips can reach the edges of the pale pink lines peeking out of the edges of her shirt. She kisses every spot she can from this position until she feels Ashlyn’s grip loosen and then pulls back to look at her, finding a look of wonderment in those hazel eyes that makes her heart leap.

Ashlyn can only handle the warm compassion in Ali’s expression for a moment before leaning in and kissing her passionately with everything she has. She can’t get enough, can’t get her close enough, her hand naturally going to the back of Ali’s neck to tug her in further.

\---

“Mmmmmm.” Ali moans loudly when Ashlyn’s fingertips graze the back of her neck, her eyes rolling back behind her closed eyelids and her body feeling weak at the touch on her sweet spot.

Ashlyn feels Ali’s moan vibrate in her mouth and it sends a jolt through her body that awakens something indescribable inside. All she knows is that she physically aches to hear it again.

Ali is so distracted by the sensations on that part of her neck that she doesn’t register Ashlyn sitting up and changing their position. She opens her eyes when she feels her back against the soft cushioning of the couch, looking up in surprise to see Ashlyn hovering close above her with a more intense and fiery look in those eyes than she has seen thus far. “You okay?” She checks in.

“Absolutely. Just really want to hear you make that sound again.” Ashlyn smiles and slides her hand behind Ali’s head, moving her thumb across the back of her neck and hearing another moan. It’s much quieter than before, but it sends that marvelous jolt through her body just the same. “Yeah, that sound.” She says close to Ali’s ear before moving right back to her lips with a slow deep kiss, her thumb continuing its movement on the brunette’s neck.

Ali doesn’t know exactly what she was expecting from this session with Ashlyn, but she hadn’t quite anticipated some things that are now at the forefront of her mind despite her body surrendering to the woman’s touch.

_She’s so smooth_. Now that the tables have turned, Ashlyn has none of the fumbling and flurry of first time clients. She’s deliberate and unhurried in her touches, comfortably in control with total ease_._ _So romantic too. _

_Has anyone ever looked at me like this?_ Ali’s brain feels too hazy to properly answer that question when everything between them is so simultaneously heated and gentle. Ashlyn’s warm mouth finds its way to every inch of bare skin along her neckline and then back to her lips, one of the woman’s large hands drags along her side while the other still moves against the back of her neck. And as wonderful as all of it is, it’s the way Ashlyn keeps pausing that’s making her heart race wildly. The woman constantly stops between deep kisses, hazel eyes locking onto her own to convey the intense caring behind her actions before the next amazing kiss. The words ‘you’re beautiful’ get whispered into Ali’s ear by the sweet feminine voice more than a few times. It’s powerful and loving in a way Ali can’t ever remember experiencing with anyone, let alone a client.

But above all else, Ali can feel it. She can feel a shift so subtle that she immediately wonders if any woman Ashlyn has more recently been with has ever noticed it. _Does she feel it in herself; does she realize? _Truthfully, if the control dynamic between them hadn’t been so suddenly changed, Ali is pretty sure she wouldn’t have detected it either. She can’t quite put her finger on exactly what it is, but it was definitely there before and now it’s gone…a burden of sorts, for lack of a better word.

She had thought Ashlyn was perfectly focused and in sync with her when they first started, her emotions and bodily reactions seemed locked in. But feeling the way Ashlyn is now when she’s the one in control, it’s different in some way. In hindsight, it almost felt like Ashlyn was slightly fighting herself before and now she’s not. Still, it’s hard for Ali to know in this instant how to describe it or even what it was, especially when she’s so caught up in this woman right now. She does her best to turn off her swirling mind so she can fully immerse herself in the moment. “Stay right there, Ash…mmm, that’s so good, babe.”

Ashlyn was right before, her name has never sounded better than it does coming out of Ali’s mouth, especially when it’s breathy and low in her ear like this. She’s been working the brunette up slowly for the last fifteen minutes, only now letting her mouth wander as close as it can get to the back of Ali’s neck where her hand has been softy stroking this whole time. The music from the playlist is amplifying everything and she’s losing her ability to keep up the slow pace.

_Woah. _Ashlyn is stunned when Ali lets out a little mewl and the brunette’s short fingernails scrape lightly along the skin of her lower back just under the elastic band of her boxers. Ali’s other hand pokes out of the neckline of her shirt to grab a small handful of Ashlyn’s hair and pull her head up. _God, those eyes._ Darkened whiskey orbs briefly look up at her with endless desire before she’s pulled down into the hottest kiss of her life. She doesn’t even realize she’s moaning into Ali’s mouth until she feels the brunette moan back into hers, the sounds spurring both of them on.

Everything feels like it’s on fire, but nothing more so than Ali’s air-starved lungs even though she doesn’t want this kiss to end. She can feel Ashlyn shaking slightly and she knows one of them just has to give before they both pass out. It takes everything she has to pull her lips away, feeling Ashlyn’s head immediately collapse into the crook of her neck as both of them work to get air.

It takes a solid minute for their breathing to become more regulated, for enough oxygen to reach Ali’s brain that she registers their positioning. The fingernails of one hand are clenched into bare skin really low on Ashlyn’s back and her other fisted in the woman’s short hair. Ashlyn’s thumb is tucked just under the bottom edge of her bra cup, her thigh nestled between Ali’s legs and right up against her center. They’re both sweaty and flushed. She’s not used to this kind of whirlwind and knows she needs to bring things to a stop before they get set on a course that isn’t on the menu for today.

Ashlyn feels the change in energy, in the way Ali’s hands return to soothingly massage her back again. She gives herself another minute to relax against the brunette’s neck, leaving a couple little kisses there before finally lifting her head to look at her.

“Sooo…babe huh?” Ashlyn shoots Ali a playful look, earning a light swat to her shoulder before the two of them bust out laughing. _That perfect laugh._ And that’s when it really hits her that she’ll probably never experience anything in her life quite like these moments with Ali Krieger…where she’s so completely and happily herself and that’s all she needs to be.

“I warned you that this whole thing would feel like a dating relationship. Pet names included. I’ve had very few clients where the pet names and pillow talk don’t come out to play.” Ali reveals with a little shrug once the laughter dies down.

“And here I thought I was special. At least now I know where I stand.” Ashlyn pretend pouts, even though she was admittedly a little hopeful.

“Awww, don’t sulk Stanford!” Ali pinches her cheek sweetly before getting serious. “If it makes you feel any better, this is the only time that I have ever been the first one to thrown out a pet name.”

“Really?” Ashlyn asks in disbelief.

“Really and truly.” Ali smiles widely at the completely enchanted look that just took over Ashlyn’s face.

“I feel honored, sugarplum.” Ashlyn winks and quickly pecks her lips.

“Sugarplum? Eww.” Ali cringes at the nickname.

“Pookie?” Ashlyn teasingly throws out another.

“You suck at this.” Ali cringes again.

“Baby it is then…so unoriginal.” Ashlyn smirks.

“Better.” Ali smirks back.

“I guess I should probably…uh…” Ashlyn realizes her hand is still partially under the edge of Ali’s bra and slowly pulls it away.

“Yeah, a good time for us to wrap it up before we start breaking ground rules.” Ali agrees and starts to sit up once Ashlyn does.

“Who knew Harvard was a back scratcher?” Ashlyn laughs at still being able to feel where the woman’s fingernails pressed into her skin.

“I’m really not, I don’t think.” Ali playfully groans. “You sure seem to bring out a lot of firsts for me.” She adds with a smile.

“Like I said, I’m honored.” Ashlyn reaches to squeeze the brunette’s hand, having no better words to express how much it means that Ali is so willingly to touch a part of her that everyone else just avoids. And not just touch it, but in a completely normal way…both in comfort and in passion as if there wasn’t a single scar there. “So um, what now?”

“Well, a couple things. Before I go, I just want to go over the ground rules for next time so you know what to expect. But first, I want to talk to you about something.” Ali replies straight-forwardly.

“Ok, what’s up?” Ashlyn sits back against the couch runs her hand through her hair.

“You know that I’m always open and honest with you about everything. So, while I still don’t feel like I have anything to really go on or even much insight at all, I want to make sure that you know what I’m thinking.” Ali prefaces.

“Of course.” Ashlyn nods, reaching for the remote and turning off the record player so Ali has her undivided attention.

“Very bluntly, I felt something going on. I think felt whatever it is in you that might be causing you to hesitate or ‘lock up’ as you put it. I really don’t even know what to call it, and I don’t want to try to put words to it or describe it quite yet. I just want you to know that I felt it.” Ali tells her gently and watches the woman’s face carefully. “It was so subtle that I didn’t even notice it when it was happening because you seemed completely fine. Only when things switched to you being more in control did I feel the change and realized it then. I can’t quite put my finger on it yet.”

“Well, dang. I guess I’m still broken after all. I was starting to think you cured me with just that gorgeous smile.” Ashlyn gives the brunette a tight smile.

“Hey.” Ali immediately leans in close and takes Ashlyn’s face in her hands, locking onto her eyes. “Nothing about you is broken in any way. Do you hear me? You are not broken and you never will be. Got it?”

Ashlyn nods. “I can use the reminder occasionally.”

“Every piece, in whatever condition it’s in, is remarkable in its own way…and exactly as it needs to be.” Ali presses. “Nothing about you is broken. I’ll say it a million times if that’s what it takes for you to believe it.”

“I do believe it. Nancy made damn sure of that.” Ashlyn assures her. “But, it’s definitely a work in progress. Admittedly, a little harder to find at times.”

“Lucky for you, I’m great a finding things.” Ali smiles and feels the atmosphere lighten when Ashlyn smiles back. “I promise we’ll figure it out together. I’m going to think about it a bit more and we’re going to stop and process what you’re feeling as it happens next time. We’ll get to the bottom of whatever it is. Unless of course you can tell me now what you were feeling when I was on your lap and in control of things?” She throws the question out just in case.

“Uh, all I can remember is feeling lucky.” Ashlyn chuckles at herself. “How could I not? I had the hottest woman ever straddling me and all over my neck.”

“Settle down, Stanford charm.” Ali jokingly rolls her eyes. “We’ll work on it.” She adds more seriously. “So, for Tuesday…”

“Ah yes. Hit me with the ground rules, Harvard.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows.

“Today went really well, so I’m comfortable taking another step forward if you are. And we’ll see if we can’t gain a little more insight into what you’re feeling.” Ali replies. “For next time, I’m thinking clothes stay on below the waist and anything else is fair game. Does that feel okay to you?”

“So, you’re essentially saying that I can take your shirt off and grab your ass?” Ashlyn can’t help herself.

“Yep. Remember though, it’s a two-way street. Thoughts?” Ali replies with a little laugh.

“Oh, you don’t even want to know my thoughts right now.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows. “Really though, sounds good to me. You can count on me to tell you if I’m uncomfortable with something.”

“Perfect. And I absolutely do want to know those thoughts.” Ali counters.

“Easy there, Harvard charm.” Ashlyn teases the brunette with her own line.

“You did really great today. Maybe next time we’ll get to those other tattoos.” Ali says sweetly as she fixes her hair and clothes a bit.

“Count on it.” Ashlyn runs a hand through her own hair and cringes slightly, realizing it must be a mess.

“Sorry I messed up the perfect hair wave, but really not sorry at all.” Ali laughs.

“What you should be apologizing for is the state of my underwear.” Ashlyn gives her a mirthful smile.

“Ha, now who’s being dirty? But I’m not one bit sorry for that either. I’m the one who has to walk home in mine.” Ali sasses.

“Touché and godspeed on the walk home, Harvard.” Ashlyn concedes in jest.

“So, you’ll do something fun tonight, maybe celebrate a little?” Ali asks more seriously after having had that earlier discussion regarding Ashlyn’s birthday.

“I will. Whit and Megan always make me meet them for dinner and drinks, so I’m headed out in like an hour.” Ashlyn replies.

“Good, glad to hear it.” Ali smiles and walks over to grab her jacket. Sure enough Ashlyn is behind her just seconds later to help slip it onto her shoulders.

“Thank you so much for today, Alex. For the cake and the record, for everything…” Ashlyn trails off as the brunette turns around.

“You’re welcome.” Ali sweetly strokes the short-haired woman’s cheek.

“Can I ask you something?” Ashlyn requests, leaning into the touch on her face. Of all the little ways Ali establishes physical contact between them, this is a favorite for how close it makes her feel to the brunette.

“You know you can.” Ali says simply.

“Along the lines of the pet name thing…uh, have you ever gotten a client a birthday gift before?” Ashlyn asks before she can convince herself not to. “Just curious where exactly I stand.” She adds lightly.

“To be fair, I’ve only had two other clients where a session fell on their birthday. For the first one, I got the woman a little card with a cross-fit joke because she was obsessed. And the other was a Jehovah’s witness, so I didn’t even mention it.” Ali answers matter-of-factly.

“Hmph, a Jehovah’s witness seeing a sex surrogate…now I’ve heard everything.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Tell me about it.” Ali agrees before stepping close into Ashlyn’s space. “Happy Birthday, Ash.” She kisses her deeply, feeling strong arms wrap around her waist.

“Best birthday ever.” Ashlyn breathes out against Ali’s lips as the brunette pulls away, her eyes still hooded.

“So flippant with those words…best birthday _SO FAR_.” Ali corrects.

“Right. My apologies to the Harvard Verbal Expression Police.” Ashlyn jokingly salutes her.

“Have a great night out. I’ll see you Tuesday.” Ali pecks Ashlyn’s lips one more time before turning to push the elevator button.

“Have a great weekend, and really…thank you.” Ashlyn shoots the brunette a meaningful smile.

Ali waits until she’s fully stepped into the elevator before saying the last thing on her mind. “Hey, you didn’t get the complete answer to your question.”

“What question?” Ashlyn looks at the brunette with a perplexed expression.

“About where you stand.” Ali smiles and lets go of the hold door button, knowing it’ll close any second now. “You don’t just stand… you stand out.” She blows Ashlyn a kiss as the door closes completely.

“My fucking heart is toast.” Ashlyn pats her chest as she stands there looking at the steel door of the elevator. “That woman is just… everything, absolutely all of it.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Butch, finally! You’re hella late for your own party.” Megan calls out as soon as Ashlyn approaches the table. “Here, you can have mine to catch up. This place is slammed tonight. Happy birthday to my main bitch!” She pushes her beer over to Ashlyn’s seat at the table.

“Happy birthday, Sherlock!” Whitney pops out of her chair to go give her a hug.

“Thanks, Watson. And thanks ladies for dragging me out tonight.” Ashlyn smiles at them.

“Birthday girl owes me a dance tonight! Ain’t even gonna get away without it, sooo…” Crystal points a finger at Ashlyn before pulling her into a side hug the second she sits down.

“Promise, minion.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes as Megan pushes the beer further into her space.

“Get going, you old fuck.” Megan teases.

“Right.” Ashlyn raises the glass and takes a few long gulps. “Sorry I was late, had some things to do.”

“Some things, or someone?” Megan waggles her eyebrows. “Cause you looking mighty laid there, my butch.”

“Funny, Pinoe. And I did not get laid.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I had the hottest makeout session of my life, but I did not get laid.”

“Ooooh!” Crystal turns herself completely towards Ashlyn. “Spill.”

“Can I at least get a proper whiskey before we do this?” Ashlyn pleads.

“Well, Sue saw you come in and I’m sure she’ll be over when she can. But seeing as how she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off at the bar over there, might be a while.” Whitney shrugs, curious to hear the latest update herself.

“Alright, alright.” Ashlyn gives in with a groan. She tells them as much as she can…about the cake, the record, and the important conversation before that when they discussed feelings and how this was going to play out.

“Wow…” Crystal lets out a low whistle.

“She doesn’t leave anything unspoken at least.” Whitney offers, glad that Ali Krieger has been so upfront about absolutely everything. If nothing else, her best friend deserves someone who is this level of honest with her for once.

“So, this is like…happening?” Megan can’t find other words for it.

“Yeah, it is. I mean, it’s like everything can happen and also nothing. Like it’s real and then also not real. I know that it’s not going to be pretty in the end, but I also have the chance to figure myself out with this positively amazing woman who seems to be as into me as I am into her. I’d be a total moron to not take the opportunity and make the most of the time I have.” Ashlyn shrugs. “She is just…god, that woman reads me like a book, her laugh is a million times better than her jokes, and she makes me feel like who I am right now is completely enough even if a single thing never changed.”

“Oh my gosh, that was the most adorable thing I have ever heard. Awwww. For real.” Sue sets a whiskey down in front of Ashlyn along with her usual meal, catching the last part of what she just said. “Who is she and why haven’t you proposed yet, Dreamboat?”

Megan immediately sits up a bit, ready to make something up to cover for Ashlyn. She knows how deeply private this all is and as much as she and Sue are getting serious fast, they’re just not at this level yet. Before she can get a word out, Ashlyn’s calm voice is talking already.

“Not what you think. It’s my sex therapist.” Ashlyn tells Sue with tight smile.

Megan’s mouth drops open a bit, as does Whitney’s. For Ashlyn to divulge even that much, it says a lot about how she feels about Sue.

“Shit. Bummer.” Sue frowns. “Truth is that the good ones are often unattainable.”

“Huge bummer.” Ashlyn agrees, smiling at the fact that Sue doesn’t even flinch at the sex therapist part. “But that’s what drinks are for.”

“Happy Birthday, Dreamboat.” Sue wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s shoulders and hugs her tight. “Drinks and food on the house for you tonight!”

“Thanks, doll!” Ashlyn squeezes the woman’s forearm in appreciation.

“Right, so…shots?” Megan suggests.

“Definitely shots.” Ashlyn nods.

“Ha, go girl! I’m in!” Whitney grins widely. She knows better than anyone that Ashlyn is going to majorly hurt over this whole situation and it’s going to be all hands on deck soon enough. Still, she can’t help but see the good in it too… the happy and carefree side of her best friend that has suddenly been at the forefront lately. She’s going to enjoy it while she can, just like Ashlyn is doing.

“You go easy, twerp! We have plans later.” Sue warns Megan. “You gonna be sober?”

“Sober enough to take you for a ride, hayseed.” Megan smirks deviously and raises an eyebrow.

“Well I’m way too sober for all this gross up in here. Cut it out, Pinoe!” Crystal pretend gags.

“Second that.” Whitney chimes in.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Sue smiles at Megan. “You make sure she’s sober enough, Dreamboat.” She winks at Ashlyn.

“Why me?” Ashlyn argues.

“Cause she doesn’t listen to these two.” Sue points to Whitney and Crystal. “Be right back with a couple rounds.”

“Well, since apparently you only listen to me…” Ashlyn eyes Megan across the table with a serious look on her face. “Don’t fuck this one up, Pinoe.”

“Heard you loud and clear on the therapist reveal, butchie.” Megan nods knowingly. “And I won’t, things are pretty serious already.” She confesses.

“Good.” Ashlyn smiles and leaves it at that.

“Ok well, that was all serious bro-dude stuff and all, but can we turn the attention back to the birthday girl.” Crystal moves right along.

“Yeah soooo, when do we meet Doctor Love Sex Goddess?” Megan throws the question out.

Whitney sit backs and waits for the answer, admittedly wondering herself.

“Well, if all goes according plan…never.” Ashlyn shrugs and look down at the table before she feels a hand squeeze the top of her shoulder, Crystal getting her attention.

“Psssh, nah nah, boss lady! You already know where I put my bet. So, _UNTIL_ we get to meet her… shots!” Crystal calls out as Sue approaches with a tray full.

“Kamikaze shots, ladies. Lots of ‘em. Don’t hurt yourselves.” Sue laughs as she gets them on the table.

“Let’s do this.” Ashlyn blows out a quick breath and tips back the first one, ready to let loose… let everything loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we think about how Ali is walking that thin line so far? Think she'll be able to keep it up?  
Put those therapy hats on...any guesses on what is going on with Ashlyn? So many questions ;-)  
Next update on Sunday!


	17. Want You to See (Session 7-Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are diving right into this next session. And let me tell you that this week is gonna be interesting with turning up both the heat and the therapy! Have a great start to the week :-)  
As always, drop me a comment to let me know what you think!

Session 7 (Part 1) – Want You to See

“For someone who is a mediocre cook at best, your Pad Thai rivals some of the best in this city.” Ali compliments her brother after the very first bite. “Thanks for coming over and cooking tonight, I missed you.”

“Awww, missed you too babes. And thank you. I was going to casually ignore your knock on my cooking, but I agree that I’m a one trick pony in that department. Pad Thai is all I got, but it’s one helluva of a trick!” Kyle laughs. “And you don’t even have a trick, soooo.”

“Truth. So good.” Ali mumbles with a mouth full of food.

“Maybe in between stuffing your face like a starved piglet you can fill me in on what I missed. I feel so out of the loop.” Kyle requests with a bit of dramatic flair.

“Rude.” Ali sticks her tongue out at him. “And not my fault you were off gallivanting around Disneyland for the last week and barely sent a text.”

“Harsh. And I was not gallivanting, I was working!” Kyle defends himself.

“Working, right. You somehow found places to take shirtless pictures at Disneyland… Disneyland!” Ali scoffs teasingly. “How you didn’t get kicked out is beyond me.”

“Please, Mickey Mouse practically begged me to take my shirt off. Or maybe it was Goofy.” Kyle winks. “Oh, but I did ask the guy dressed as Gaston out on a coffee date.”

“You had a date and didn’t tell me?! With a Disney character no less!” Ali says incredulously.

“Nothing to tell, he was a total airhead. Needless to say, I did not find my husband in California. Very disappointing.” Kyle shrugs. “Back to you. What’d I miss?”

“Well, let’s see…” Ali taps her chin for effect. “I’ve officially fallen for my client and actually talked to Mark Foster about it…where I came to the conclusion that I’m going to 100% let myself go with it even though I know it can only end in crushing heartbreak.”

“Exsqueeze me, what?!” Kyle looks at her with wide eyes. “Damn, Al.” He figured something would eventually happen with this client, but the fact that his sister willing spoke to Mark Foster about it speaks volumes.

“Yep.” Ali shrugs.

Kyle walks around the table and pull her into a hug, feeling her squeeze back tightly. “I’m sorry, babes. But also I’m not, you know? It’s wonderful really, even though I’m sure it sucks. I know you better than anyone and you don’t just fall for people like this, so I know she must be really special. I guess I’m glad you’re just going for it. Here’s hoping for a miracle, right?”

“No miracle to hope for other than helping her out in the end.” Ali doesn’t let herself go down the path he is alluding to, it’s just not a good idea. “And she is special… that woman is just… I don’t even know, but I do know that she’s worth every second I have with her.”

“Now if _someone_ would only tell me who this super woman is…” Kyle stands back enough to shoot her a look.

“Nice try, not happening.” Ali isn’t budging a millimeter on keeping Ashlyn’s identity confidential.

“Figured. You’re too noble.” Kyle shakes his head at her. “So, does that mean you’ve made _progress_?” He waggles his eyebrows and earns a light slap to his stomach.

“Not at that point yet.” Ali answers matter-of-factly. “We’ve had a respectfully handsy, fully-clothed make out session that was hotter than most full-on sex I’ve had, so there’s that.”

“Seriously, who is she?! Teeeell me!” Kyle begs in a whine even though he knows he won’t get anywhere.

“It also happened to be her birthday recently. And in the spirit of just going with this whole thing, I totally threw out the playbook. You’d be proud.” Ali ignores his outburst and smirks. “She also has me completely stumped.”

“Ooookeee. Diligent Doobie Alexandra is throwing out her playbook with a hot woman who she can’t figure out? Must be Armageddon!” Kyle purposely lets his jaw hang open in surprise. “Keep talking, honey.” He plants himself back in his chair across from her and digs back into his food while she fills him in.

Ali gives her brother the rundown, staying away from anything too detailed or personal about Ashlyn, before focusing on the part that has been eating at her brain all weekend.

“It’s just weird to have felt something going on with her that neither of us even seemed to be aware of while it was happening. But it was so clear when the tables turned that she was completely focused and unburdened in a way that she hadn’t been before that point…and I didn’t notice it until after the fact. I just feel like it’s the key to unlocking whatever she is struggling with and yet, I have no idea what it was, you know? I have less than two days before the next session and I feel like I’m still flying blind even though I’ve thought about it endlessly. I hate having no insight and no real game plan other than to just try to pause next time I feel it and talk it out.” She stops when she realizes she’s rambling.

“Relax and give yourself some credit, Al.” Kyle tries to reassure her. “The fact that you even sensed something was going on with her is probably miles further than anyone else would have been able to do.”

“Ugh, I know. But I just want to be better than that, especially for her.” Ali lets out a sigh.

“Did you talk to her about it?” Kyle digs a bit.

“Well yeah, as much as I could. I asked her if she remembered what she was feeling at the time, but she didn’t have much insight either. Said she just felt lucky.” Ali shrugs. “She actually looked a bit defeated and called herself ‘broken after all’.” She adds with a frown.

“Lucky.” Kyle muses out loud. “I always feel cagy about that word. Sometimes it’s true, sometimes it’s just a way of putting a positive spin on feeling unworthy.”

“Hmm, interesting way of looking at it.” Ali mulls it over, something about what he said striking her even though she’s not sure why exactly.

“Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You always do better when you don’t overthink. You’ll figure it out.” He adds for encouragement.

“Thanks, beebs.” Ali smiles. “Dessert? I have ice cream.”

“I never say no to ice cream!” Kyle replies enthusiastically as Ali grabs a couple pints out of the freezer. “So, you really bought her a cake and made her a sex playlist… on vinyl too, just to put cherry on top. Who are you and what have you done with my sister?” He pauses just long enough to see her roll her eyes. “I fucking love it, you queen!” He beams at her.

Ali eats a spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream before pushing the pint in his direction and smiling at him with a twinkle in her eye. “I kinda love it too.”

\------

“Fuck, Ash…mmmm, right there.” Ali moans pleadingly, Ashlyn’s fingers hitting the perfect spot inside her as the woman gently sucks on her throbbing pulse point. Her skin is hot, every muscle tightening as she tries desperately to hold on just a bit longer before the glorious release. It’s all in vain, her body trembling as it quickly approaches the brink. Her back arches up and she grasps Ashlyn’s arm in an attempt to anchor herself to something, her eyes popping open when she feels an odd squeeze on her hand. The broken girl tattoo on Ashlyn’s bicep has come alive, the small black inked hands now tightening around her finger as she screams out.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Ali awakes in a startle, sweaty and breathing heavily. Her eyes search her dim bedroom, settling on the ceiling fan and watching it spin as she tries to calm her racing heart and still thrumming body. “No more fucking ice cream before bed.” She chides herself for indulging two nights in a row now even though she knows it has nothing to do with her dream.

Although she wishes she could focus on the sex part of the dream, her mind goes to Ashlyn’s tattoo and the conversation they had about it replays in her head. She thinks about what Ashlyn said about not needing romantic love to be ok, and then her own contention that the woman deserved romantic love even if she didn’t need it. She finds Ashlyn’s words ringing through her head ‘still a work in progress’ quickly followed by Kyle’s voice ‘lucky… sometimes it’s just a way of putting a positive spin on feeling unworthy’.”

It suddenly it hits her why her brother’s comment had resonated. Unworthy… the wording was wrong. Ashlyn hasn’t struck her as someone feeling unworthy, but does she feel undeserving of something? Maybe, just maybe…but what?

She takes a sip of water from the bottle on her nightstand and lays back down, letting out a satisfied sigh before closing her eyes again. It may not be right, but it’s something to go on. Enough to settle her mind and get some much needed rest before tomorrow’s session.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Well hello to you too. That was nice.” Ashlyn grins the second Ali’s lips leave her own, enchanted by the way the brunette just walked off the elevator without saying a word and immediately planted the sweetest kiss on her lips. It somehow evoked the dual feelings of an exciting new relationship and a comfortable marriage. The reality is that it’s neither, but try telling her pounding heart that. _You are like no one else, Alex._

“Hi.” Ali says with a nose-crinkling smile and turns to hang her coat, Ashlyn right behind her to help as usual. “Someday you’ll tell me the secret to making sweatpants look like high fashion.” She motions to Ashlyn’s outfit of fitted olive-green joggers and a light gray button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows.

“Says the woman whose truly marvelous ass inspired the invention of leggings.” Ashlyn counters, looking over Ali’s high-waist black leggings paired with a heather-gray crop-top showing about an inch of skin around her middle that practically begs to be touched.

“You are trouble, very smooth trouble.” Ali relishes in the sincere compliment. “How was your weekend?”

“It was great, pretty relaxing other than nursing a post-birthday hangover.” Ashlyn replies with a slight grimace. “How about you?”

“About the same. Only instead of a hangover, I ate enough ice cream to give myself a stomach ache two nights in a row. Always a blunder, but such a good one.” Ali shrugs with a smile.

“Delicious remorse, sounds about right.” Ashlyn laughs before getting serious. “So, two things. First, I have some bad news.” She tries to get the negative over with.

“Everything ok?” Ali asks in concern.

“Oh yeah, fine. I just have to cancel our session for Friday.” Ashlyn explains regretfully. “I feel really bad cancelling on you, but I have to be in Cali. Stanford is holding a two-day Women in Business panel that I agreed to speak at. The point of it is to motivate and encourage young women to not only consider business ventures, but also to help them hone skills in networking, negotiating, and planning. Pretty much trying to help them succeed in a male dominated environment. Anyway, it was supposed to be held in early December, but they recently realized there were a lot of conflicts around that time. They really want it to be well attended, but they also have to use the funding for it by the end of the semester. So, they moved it up to this Thursday and Friday. The notification got lost in the shuffle and I just found out two days ago. I would normally never cancel on you like this, but this is really important to me. I leave tomorrow morning and get back Sunday, that way I can also spend some time at our small office out there with our Facebook operations employees.”

“No way, don’t be sorry at all! We can just pick things up on the following Tuesday.” Ali easily waves it off. “That sounds positively incredible. What an amazing and important opportunity for those women. Heck, I would attend if I could! I’m so glad someone is putting on an event like this. They’ll be learning from the very best.” She adds, reaching to lightly squeeze Ashlyn’s forearm.

“Eh, Whit and I flipped for it, so I don’t know about that. I love that it’s a way for me to pay it forward though.” Ashlyn says humbly. “I just feel like women can absolutely crush in the business world in ways that men can’t, I’ve seen it. They just need the confidence and the tools to do it, you know?”

“Couldn’t agree more.” Ali nods. “I’m so excited that you’re doing this, really is awesome.”

“Well, if you get bored, the Thursday morning session I’m speaking at is going to be live streaming on the Stanford website. I think it’s at 8am.” Ashlyn informs her.

“Hmm, let’s see.” Ali pulls out her phone and scrolls through the calendar. “That would be 11am here…I should just be wrapping up with a morning client and don’t have another until 2pm. So, I should be able to catch most of it.” She talks it out enthusiastically.

“You really don’t have to. I just mentioned it since you seemed interested.” Ashlyn makes sure she isn’t making her feel obligated.

“I’m honestly interested. I think it’s really cool.” Ali smiles as she types it into her calendar. “So, if that’s bad news, does that mean there’s good news too? You said two things.”

“I wouldn’t even classify it as news, just a request. Are you okay if we move things upstairs today?” Ashlyn motions to the spiral staircase. “Not that I don’t love my couch, just thought maybe we’d be more comfortable…but I’m good with down here too if you don’t want…”

“Upstairs is great.” Ali cuts off the rambling. “Remember what I said early on, anywhere you feel comfortable is good for me. Besides, it means I finally get the grand tour!” She winks.

“You could’ve already gotten the grand tour if you just asked.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Asking people for a tour of their place is kind of weird, don’t you think?” Ali challenges.

“Never thought about it, but I guess I’ve also never asked anyone for a tour of their place.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Exactly.” Ali says with satisfaction.

“Anyway, there’s a record player up there too and the mini bar has water, soda, juice and what not. So, we should be good to go.” Ashlyn says casually.

“Of course you have a mini bar in your bedroom. Perhaps a full service salon too?” Ali can’t help but sass.

“Funny. It may sound over-the-top, but the first time you nurse a hangover in a bedroom with a stocked mini bar, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without one.” Ashlyn defends playfully.

“I bet! Maybe I should invest in a mini fridge and create a mock mini bar in my bedroom.” Ali considers it.

“And you’ll thank me profusely when you do.” Ashlyn plays along. “Shall we?”

“We shall. Time to show me where the magic happens, Stanford!” Ali exclaims as she follows Ashlyn towards the stairs.

_It’s far from magic. _Ashlyn manages to keep the self-deprecating thought to herself, but something also lights up inside at the brunette’s joke. Even in her teasing, Ali never makes her feel like she is anything less than perfectly normal. As simple as that is, it feels monumental when everyone else she’s been with seems to treat her with extra sensitivity like she might crumble at any misspoken word or teasing comment.

\------

“Wow…woah.” Ali whispers out as she takes in the master bedroom.

“That’s now the fourth time you’ve said that.” Ashlyn snickers, placing her hand on Ali’s lower back to encourage her to actually walk into the bedroom.

“Yeah well the guest room, guest bathroom, and office where all flippin’ amazing and, shocker, so is your bedroom!” Ali replies as her eyes continue to wander the room.

The décor is elegantly simple, clean lines and earth tone colors all tied together with a few rustic industrial elements. The whole penthouse has the same feel now that’s she’s seen the upstairs too, the same dark wood floors throughout. The king size bed is the biggest thing in the room, white sheets and a dark gray comforter with some quilted gray throw pillows to bring some texture. The headboard is made of what looks like old dark-stained barn wood in various hues with black pipe framing, a thin rectangular fireplace runs along the wall just above it almost like the one downstairs. A long, dark wood bench sits the foot of the bed.

There’s a minimalist black lounge chair in one corner, a small oxidized metal table beside it with a cluster of exposed vintage light bulbs hanging directly above from the ceiling. A black metal bookshelf nearby is full of books, but well organized. In the opposite corner is a large full-length mirror. Like downstairs, there is floor-to-ceiling glass that makes up the outer wall allowing for a surrounding and stunning view of the city. There’s a small balcony right outside the bedroom, two comfortable chairs out there with what looks like a small propane fire pit. Along the side wall is the mini bar which also seems to serve as a combined entertainment center with the record player on top, a large flat-screen TV mounted above it.

There are two sets of sliding-style doors in the room and both are open. One leads to a large walk-in closet, one wall of which is just dress shoes, sneakers, and boots. Ashlyn’s clothes are all perfectly hung up and organized by color. _No surprise there._ There’s a large assortment of various hats and ties as well as a shelf that holds jewelry where an impressive collection of watches dominates the space.

The second set of sliding doors leads to a gorgeous gray-tiled bathroom, open-style with no curtain or glass around the shower area which features a long rectangular rain-showerhead above and steam shower nozzles on the side walls. There’s a large white Jacuzzi tub along the floor-to-ceiling glass wall and Ali can’t even imagine what it must be like to take a relaxing bath with such an amazing view. Even the sinks in the bathroom are remarkable, two raised bowls made of copper with vintage looking copper faucets to match.

“Seriously, you have to know how fucking incredible your place is.” Ali says with emphasis. “I could live in your bedroom, never leave, and be totally happy.”

“If I knew that, I would have brought you up here sooner.” Ashlyn smirks. “And yeah, there’s a reason that this place is the only thing I’ve ever spent crazy money on. I desperately needed the safe haven of my dreams at the time…this was it.”

“Well, it’s wonderful. And it’s reflects so much of you.” Ali inhales the smell of Ashlyn that permeates the bedroom, that clean scent of sage, citrus, and crisp outdoors…it just might be her favorite thing about this room. “The only thing you’ve spent crazy money on huh? So, you’re telling me there isn’t a garage under this building that houses your collection of luxury cars?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Nope.” Ashlyn smiles. “I own two cars. One is a black Escalade that Crystal picked out and technically is a car just for her, but she does use it to drive me places when I need her to. I truly don’t know how she even maneuvers that thing in crazy NYC traffic. And then I have a car of my own, the same one I first bought back in college and can’t bring myself to part with. A 2000 blacked-out Jeep Wrangler sport.”

“You blow my mind, Ashlyn Harris.” Ali can’t hide her surprise at the answer. Then again, it completely fits the woman’s modest personality. She’s wealthy and stylish for sure, but nothing about her is flashy in the slightest.

“Glad to know I don’t fit the expectations for an extravagant, stuck-up, fat cat.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Not even close. It’s refreshing as hell, let me tell you.” Ali says earnestly.

“Eh, I’m just a computer geek at heart.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Never change, Stanford. Never change.” Ali gently pinches the short-haired woman’s cheek and walks over to the record player. “Teach me how?”

“Sure.” Ashlyn gets in close behind Ali and reaches around her to hold her hands and guide them. _She’s so warm._

Ali smiles at the action, things going just the way she was hoping for so far. She wants to be able to make some progress on deciphering what happened in the last session. For that to happen, she needs Ashlyn to be the one comfortably in control first this time around, that way she’ll be sure not to miss the subtle change in demeanor when she turns the tables. Still, she wants this to be natural and not like an agenda of any kind. Her goal is to set the tone so that Ashlyn takes over of her own accord. That’s why she just walked in and kissed her today before even saying a word. And while her curiosity about the record player is genuine, it’s the also perfect segue for an intimate moment that builds from one of Ashlyn’s interests. Not to mention that the second she saw that full length mirror in the bedroom, she knew the exact path she would walk down today.

“The record is already on the turntable and the correct playing speed is already set, but it’s 33 ½ rpm for records this size.” Ashlyn explains softly. “So, now we just press the play button to get the table spinning.” She moves the brunette’s hand so she can push the button before pressing closer against her and feeling Ali lean back into her more. “Now you move the arm over the record to line it up, and then gently bring it down so the needle is on this smooth outer edge of the record.” She supports Ali’s hand lightly again, but let’s her do the work. “Perfect, you’re a natural.” Ashlyn smiles into Ali’s hair as the music starts to play.

“Easier than I thought. Thanks for showing me.” Ali turns around and finds hazel eyes, keeping one of their hands entwined. “You ready?”

“Am I ever quite ready for you?” Ashlyn grins and then answers her own question. “I always think I am, but you never cease to surprise me in the best ways.”

“Well, I’d hate to start disappointing now.” Ali squeezes Ashlyn’s hand and gives it a little tug. “Come on, you.” She leads them over to the full length mirror and stands behind the short-haired woman. She runs her hands softly over the back of Ashlyn’s shoulders before getting on her tiptoes and close to her ear. “Relax and just stay with me, ok?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn breathes out slowly, already feeling completely intoxicated by the smell of Ali’s shampoo and how close she is. _What is she…holy fucking shit._ Her eyes go wide when she sees Ali step back a bit, the brunette unceremoniously pulling her shirt off over her head in one smooth motion. “Jesus.” She whispers as Ali’s bra hits the floor right after the shirt. Ali is standing too close behind her for anything below the brunette’s now bare collarbones to be showing in the reflection of the mirror, but it’s enough to make Ashlyn’s knees feel a little weak.

“You alright over there?” Ali smiles at Ashlyn in the reflection, amused by the simultaneously shocked and wanting look on her face.

“Surprise, she wasn’t ready!” Ashlyn shakes her head while joking at her own expense. “Killing me, Harvard.” She quickly gets her composure back and grins at Ali in the mirror. “Also, I was really hoping to do that part myself.” Her eyes dart down to the brunette’s clothes discarded near their feet.

“Rain check, promise.” Ali replies simply and wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s waist, holding her close.

“Gonna hold you to that.” Ashlyn tilts her head back into Ali’s cheek, closing her eyes and taking a second to just breathe her in.

“Nope. Gonna need you to open up those gorgeous eyes, babe.” Ali just barely brushes Ashlyn’s ear with her lips.

_Babe again, she really is trying to kill me._ Ashlyn just nods and opens her eyes, her hands going to cover Ali’s arms, low around her middle.

“I know you trust me.” Ali keeps her voice soft and lulling, still close to Ashlyn’s ear. “But today, I want you to see it for yourself. I want you to have no doubt. I want you to know for complete certain.”

“Know what, Alex?” Ashlyn’s mind spins with intrigue, her skin breaking out into goosebumps at Ali’s warm breath tickling her neck.

“You’ll see. Just don’t take your eyes off of me, ok? Not for a second, promise me.” Ali implores the green-swirled hazel looking back at her through the mirror.

“Promise.” Ashlyn pledges, the room feeling hot now as she waits to see what is about to unfold. She doesn’t have to wait long, it’s just seconds before Ali’s fingers start working to undo the lowest button on her shirt. _Oh. _Her eyes are locked onto the always warm whiskey looking back at her in the reflection.

_In this white wave_

_I am sinking_

_in this silence_

_in this white wave_

_in this silence_

_I believe_

Ashlyn has always liked _Silence_, but it suddenly seems like the most erotic song on the planet and she wonders why she never noticed that before as the third button pops open. Time seems to stand still, but somehow Ali is already at the top button of her shirt.

“Doing great.” Ali whispers as she undoes the top button and moves her hands down, splaying her fingers across Ashlyn’s chiseled abs and hearing the woman’s breath hitch. _God, her body._ “Why the Venus symbol?” She runs her fingertips over the tattoo sitting just below the valley of Ashlyn’s sports bra-covered breasts.

“Oh, um…” Ashlyn tries to get her brain to work while Ali’s hands drag up and down her stomach. “It’s just the very center of who I am, that’s why it’s in that spot. And I know I’m about to sound like a big ol’ lesbian feminist that completely stereotypes a gender, but women are just… fierce as fuck, and powerful, and resilient, but also compassionate, intelligent, and willing to compromise. I’m proud of those things in myself and in other women. I love everything about being a woman. I just love women.” She explains ardently.

“Couldn’t have hit me with a better answer than that…really, really good answer.” Ali smiles and kisses the back of Ashlyn’s neck just above her shirt collar.

“This one is for my family.” Ashlyn offers up on her own, watching in the mirror as Ali’s hand moves up along the colorful ink of her left side. “My brother, my first tattoo…I told you about that.” She reaches to lift the edge of her own sports bra a bit so the brunette can see the name in an edgy script.

“I remember.” Ali nods, rubbing the area softly with her thumb.

“Then I got the flowers and the swallow for my mother.” Ashlyn keeps talking. “Lou Gehrig’s disease.” She details when she sees the brunette’s finger run over the blue pin-striped ribbon held in the swallow’s beak.

“The crucifix for my grandpa. He was a Southern Baptist through and through, but not in the awful way one would assume. He was completely non-judgmental, loving, open-minded. Religion to him was his peace, his motivation to always be kind and charitable. He was religious in the way that I wish all people were, in a way that brings personal growth and good humanity rather than underscore differences and hate. It was one of the things I respected and loved most about him.” Ashlyn explains.

“He sounds wonderful.” Ali gently squeezes Ashlyn’s side.

“And the butterfly for my grandma. Butterflies were her favorite, she had her whole house decorated in them. She always said that each and every one had a beauty and grace all its own.” Ashlyn smiles at the thought.

“She’s right. I actually think they’re a lot like humans in that way.” Ali rests her chin on Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“Yeah?” Ashlyn questions, sensing that there’s more.

“Mhmm. They all have beautifully unique patterns, no two are the same. But while others are able to see it, a butterfly can’t see its own wings, can’t fully appreciate its own beauty. I think humans are like that too.” Ali elucidates.

“My grandma would have loved you, Harvard.” Ashlyn couldn’t be more taken with this woman if she tried.

“Probably.” Ali giggles. “Until she saw that a Walking Frito Pie is my best recipe.”

“She would have been horrified.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Can I ask why this is your only color tattoo?” Ali wonders.

“Cause I’ve always thought of my family as colorful, each vibrant in their own way. And that’s the way I want to remember them.” Ashlyn answers easily.

Ali nods, not missing the fact that Ashlyn’s father isn’t part of this tattoo, but she also isn’t surprised by it in any way. She rests her forehead on the back of Ashlyn’s neck and is content to just trace her muscular torso with her hands for a few minutes, feeling the woman’s breathing get slightly heavier.

“Ash?” Ali knows it’s time when Ashlyn is so leaned back into her that she is practically holding her up.

“Yeah?” Ashlyn replies, looking up from where she was admiring how the tanned skin of Ali’s hand contrasts against her own fairer tone to find the brunette’s eyes in the mirror.

“That’s it, don’t leave my eyes, ok?” Ali instructs warmly. “I want you to see it for yourself this time.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn follows along, not exactly sure what is about to happen until she feels Ali’s hands work under the back her still unbuttoned shirt. The brunette doesn’t waste any time, slowly pulling the shirt off Ashlyn’s shoulders and dropping it to the floor, her hands going right back up to find their way under her sports bra which soon follows the shirt.

Ali stands back just enough to run her hands softly up and down Ashlyn’s heavily scarred back. She wills herself to focus on that hazel gaze… to ignore the electric tingle in her body brought on by the perfect breasts and sculpted stomach reflected in the mirror…to ignore that sexy v-line disappearing into the elastic band of the black Ethika boxer briefs peeking out of Ashlyn’s joggers. She doesn’t dare say a word right now, she just wants Ashlyn to see.

_God, that look again…admiration_. The exact same as Ashlyn saw it the first time in those gorgeous brown eyes, only this time she’s seeing it from the very first instant and not after Ali has had a couple minutes to process. And this time she knows what it means. Her heart races and her stomach practically convulses from the sense of comfort and contentment it brings, from the tenderness of the touch on her brutalized skin.

“Alex…” Ashlyn sucks in a soft breath when she feels the brunette’s nipples against her back, protective arms wrapped around her waist again. She fights to keep her eyes open like she promised even though they beg to be closed so she can lose herself in the moment.

“Ash, you’re beautiful.” Ali’s chin finds it way right back to the woman’s shoulder, lips near her ear to speak nothing but the truth. “Every part of you, every inch of you, completely beautiful in every way. So much so that even the ugliest corners of another person’s soul couldn’t mar you.” She pauses to let it sink it. “Tell me what you see.”

“The same thing I saw the first time…and it’s…everything.” Ashlyn answers, her voice low and a bit emotional, unable to even blink now because she sees something else in housed in those whiskey eyes this time too. _Love. It’s love. _It’s there, clear as day. And it doesn’t matter if it’s just in this passing moment and if it’s never acknowledged between them. It’s there right now and it’s enough, this one moment will always be enough. She wonders for the briefest second whether her own eyes are giving her away as much as Ali’s are, but the thought vanishes when the brunette’s lips move across her upper back and her left breast is held by a soft palm.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Ali figure out what is going on with Ash? Will they get carried away? Predictions?  
Next update on Weds!


	18. Guilty (Session 7-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all buckled in and ready to hit some turns on this road? Some big revelations in this one for both of these lovely ladies, so let's do this!  
Let me know what you think in the comments and have an excellent rest of the week :-)

Session 7 (Part 2) – Guilty

_“Tell me what you see.”_

_“The same thing I saw the first time, Alex…and it’s…everything.” Ashlyn answers, her voice low and a bit emotional, unable to even blink now because she sees something else in housed in those whiskey eyes this time too. Love. It’s love. It’s there, clear as day. And it doesn’t matter that it’s just in this passing moment or if it’s never acknowledged between them. It’s there right now and it’s enough, this one moment will always be enough. She wonders for the briefest second whether her own eyes are giving her away as much as Ali’s are, but the thought vanishes when the brunette’s lips move across her upper back and her left breast is held by a soft palm._

_Continuation…_

Ali leaves open-mouthed kisses all over Ashlyn’s shoulders and neck, using her left hand to hold her left breast while her free hand continues to rake up and down the expanse of her torso. She can feel Ashlyn’s nipple harden against her palm, but she keeps her hand still in hopes that it will prompt the woman to make a move. Ashlyn’s head tilts back as she lets out long puffing breaths and Ali takes advantage of the position by gently sucking on the crook of her neck. _Come on, gorgeous, you can do it._

_Want you…want you so bad…fuck, breathe. _Ashlyn alternates between wanting Ali to move more against her nipple and the urgent need to turn around kiss the hell out of her. She’s rooted to the spot, waiting to see what Ali does next when she hears it.

_If you want this, you’re gonna have to ask me._

Melissa Ferrick’s throaty voice sounds from the record player and Ashlyn remembers what she’s supposed to be doing when she’s with the brunette. _You have to tell her. It’s on you to make things happen. _She mentally encourages herself before suddenly turning in Ali’s arms and pulling her in close, a satisfied hum leaving her lips when the brunette’s bare chest presses into her own.

“Mmm, there you are, gorgeous.” Ali’s husks as she’s unexpectedly hoisted up onto Ashlyn’s hips, the woman’s strong arms holding her tight. Her legs naturally wrap around Ashlyn’s waist, her upper body pulled in snuggly as her lips get captured in a passionate kiss where a warm tongue immediately finds her own. _God, the way she kisses me. _

Ali’s body practically vibrates at the contact, everything rushing and racing to her extremities. She doesn’t register that Ashlyn carried her across the room until her back falls softly against the bed. She lets out a pleasured sigh, her eyes still closed, waiting to feel Ashlyn’s body cover her own. A few seconds pass and nothing. “Ash? You alright?” She asks in concern, her eyes opening to find the woman staring at her with fiery eyes and an almost stunned expression on her face.

“Yeah. I just…I forgot how…god, you are every word for beautiful that hasn’t been invented yet.” Ashlyn stutters out in reply, completely awestruck by the topless vision in front of her as she hovers over the brunette. Her small perfect-handful breasts, those dark pink nipples, taut stomach and defined arms… the little freckle along her collarbone, those bright eyes and that radiant smile, her smooth skin…flawless, all of it right out of a dream. Her own personally-tailored dream.

“Over the top as usual, but you’re adorable.” Ali smiles, feeling the slight blush creep up her chest and into her face at the way Ashlyn is looking at her, like she’s some kind of miracle. “What happened to all those fancy vocab words though, Stanford?” She teases to bring things down just a notch so Ashlyn can feel settled and ready.

“I got nothing, Alex.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a little smile, dragging her fingertips up Ali’s side. “Absolutely nothing that even comes close.”

“Damn, guess you’ll just have to show me then.” Ali winks as her hands find the back of Ashlyn’s neck, tugging her down a bit.

“Gladly.” Ashlyn doesn’t waste another second in getting right back to the heated kiss that she paused just moments ago.

_Fuck, what is she doing to me?_ Ali can barely breathe, let alone think. She’s completely lost in how the short-haired woman has worked her up so quickly. It’s a blur of passionate and sloppy kisses that only break for Ashlyn to whisper both sexy and sweet things in her ear before working down her neck and collarbone. The woman’s hand continually rakes from low on her hip, up along her side, and over to her breasts where Ashlyn’s fingers lightly graze over her nipples before trailing back down her stomach and starting all over again. Every pass of Ashlyn’s hand ignites a fire along its path, reducing her to a mess of soft moans and making her desperate for more contact.

_There is absolutely nothing better than her. _Ashlyn can’t get enough of the way Ali’s skin tastes, the way it feels against her own, the way the woman’s nipples are rock hard from her light touches, the way she purrs in her ear. _Show her what she means to you. _She ignores all the desire burning through her own body, focusing solely on the magnificent brunette underneath her and moving at a fervent pace that’s intended to leave Ali wanting more.

_How does she…god, fucking amazing. _Ali is stunned by her own silence. Usually she’s incredibly vocal, not shy in verbalizing exactly what she wants. It always works well for encouraging her clients to do the same. All she can do right now though is let out repeated little moans, nothing to speak because Ashlyn is reading her body impeccably. The woman somehow knows exactly how to touch her, knows exactly how much to leave her on edge as she works her into a complete fluster. The touches on her body are assertive but gentle, pleasurable but not fully satisfying, a near impossible balance to achieve.

“Ash, that’s so good…so goddamn good, babe.” Ali eventually manages to mumble out some spurring words before capturing the woman’s lips, another moan vibrating in her own throat. It’s not long before Ashlyn breaks the kiss, but Ali keeps her eyes closed, relishing in the warm tongue forging a path down her neck again. She doesn’t even realize right away when it all stops, until the moisture left behind from Ashlyn’s tongue suddenly feels cool on her neck and she realizes the woman has pulled away. “You ok?” She asks in concern, her eyes popping open to find haze orbs trailing up and down her upper body in lustful wonderment.

“I’m so much better than ok.” Ashlyn whispers, her expression giving nothing away while her fingertips swirl around Ali’s navel.

“Ok…then don’t stop, keep going.” Ali finally finds her boldness after a brief stutter of confusion.

Ashlyn gives herself a few more seconds to take in the brunette’s delicious body, hesitating just long enough to make the woman wonder why she stopped at all. She finds darkened whiskey eyes and smirks. “I am absolutely not stopping, sweetheart.”

_Oh…oh damn. _Ali’s stomach quivers at the new pet name that just came out with a barely-there southern drawl that she hasn’t heard yet from this stunning woman. She’s convinced her heartbeat is thundering loud enough to be heard throughout the room. And that sexy little smirk...it leaves no doubt Ashlyn is about to blow her away.

Ali expects a flurry of frenzied and heated touches that speed everything up, that would be the natural next step for two people so seemingly ready to devour each other. But that’s not at all what she gets. Of course not. Ashlyn Harris somehow knows what her body wants just a step before she does. Every inch of her is hot and flushed, easily giving off the vibe that fast and frenzied is the way to go. Ashlyn goes the completely opposite way though. _She’s so fucking good._

Every touch from that point on is slow, tender, deliberate, and somehow so intense that it leaves both women a bit winded even with such a measured pace. Hazel eyes find whiskey brown constantly, the desire unmistakably reflected in both.

Ali’s nipples get repeated sucked into Ashlyn’s mouth, pulled so perfectly between those soft full lips and caressed by that deft tongue until she’s mewling. _Her mouth…god, her mouth is perfect. _Ashlyn’s lips reach every inch of bare skin available on her torso, the woman’s hips pressing her into the bed until she’s squirming involuntarily and squeezing her thighs together. It doesn’t go unnoticed that Ashlyn’s hands are in her hair whenever they can be…_she remembered that_.

Ali has no idea how much time has passed now, but she’s starting to fight the urge to direct Ashlyn’s hands into her pants. _Slow down, pull it together, take control and shift this. _She allows herself to melt into one more heated kiss before using all of her physical and mental strength to completely change things up, flipping them over in one quick move so that Ashlyn is the one beneath her now.

“You are so incredibly hot. Completely gorgeous, look at you.” Ali voices after hearing a little gasp of surprise from Ashlyn, darkened hazel eyes almost wild now.

“I somehow underestimated those thighs.” Ashlyn whispers, completely turned on by the brunette’s strength and the way those powerful legs now straddle her own.

“Big mistake.” Ali smirks playfully and leans down closer, her nipples just barely touching Ashlyn’s chest as she watches the woman’s mouth part slightly. “Talk to me, tell me what you want.” She reminds her.

“Right. Gonna need you much closer.” Ashlyn pulls the brunette tight against her body, immediately satisfied by the weight on top of her. “Kiss me… everywhere.” It comes out more supplicant than the confident tone she was aiming for, but it’ll have to do because she’s crumbling at feel of Ali’s heart beating against her chest. The last syllable of her request empties into Ali’s mouth, the brunette not waiting even a fraction of a second to comply.

_Obsessed, I’m actually obsessed. _Ali can’t get over how much she likes to kiss this woman…not likes, loves. It’s a craving now and she’s insatiable. She switches up the pace and probing of her tongue to keep Ashlyn guessing, to keep the woman’s hands tightly gripping her back until she knows they have to pull away to breathe. Only then does she drag her teeth lightly down Ashlyn’s jaw, finding that spot just below her ear and sucking softly. _Fuck, make that noise again. _The half-moan half-whimper Ashlyn just let out travels right to her core and feels like it sits there throbbing.

“More…lower.” Ashlyn tries hard to assert what she wants in a breathless mumble even though she doesn’t really care where Ali’s mouth goes as long as it stays on her body. But then the brunette’s tongue takes a long swipe down the middle of her chest before trailing right and circling her breast…one of her hand fists into long sable hair and she directs Ali to where she needs her_. Oh my fucking god. _A single flick of Ali’s tongue across her already stiff nipple and it feels like something just erupted inside, her free hand dropping down to pull the brunette’s hips in closer.

Encouraged by Ashlyn’s deep panting breaths, Ali feasts on the gorgeous woman’s chest like it’s the only part of her body she’ll ever get to touch. She focuses on this right here, not the potential next step, not the one before…just this. Her tongue swirls, taps, and swipes…her lips pull and suck…her teeth lightly nibble…her breath alternates between blowing hot and cool air on these alluring nipples that pebble to reward her efforts. She finds herself moaning right along with Ashlyn, everything feeling like it’s in some kind of smooth balance.

_I want you. I need you so badly, Alex. _Ashlyn can’t remember feeling anything as good as the way this beautiful woman fits so seamlessly against her body, the way her mouth travels across her skin and makes her tremble at every touch. _She feels so good. Too good…way too good for me. _The thought creeps in before she can stop it. _Talk to her_. _Stay focused_. Ashlyn reminds herself.

“Alex, you feel so good. Stay right there, baby…just like that.” Ashlyn directs in a squeaky voice as the brunette sucks her entire right nipple into her mouth and simultaneously swirls her tongue over it. She feels a deep tingle in her belly and grabs Ali’s ass, her hips canting up a bit to get some friction. It feels so right, but also foreign. Her own pleasured demanding voice, the way her body is reacting so eagerly, the incredible woman she can’t get enough of on top of her… it’s real, but elusive. Nothing has changed, but she suddenly feels like she’s trying to hold onto something that’s slipping through her fingers. “Alex…” She whispers desperately.

_Oh Ash, it’s okay. Whatever it is, I’ve got you. _Ali feels the change like a bucket of cold water. Ashlyn is still clutching her close, egging her on, writhing underneath her…but it feels scattered, distracted, a bit empty. Like the woman suddenly let go of the rope on their joint climb to the top. She doesn’t make any sudden moves, dawdling before she leaves Ashlyn’s chest and finding her lips. She kisses her slowly, trying to bring things down gradually.

_She knows it happened again. Why are you so fucked up, Ash? Why? _Ashlyn feels almost shy now as Ali breaks their kiss and holds her cheek. She wills herself to look into the brunette’s eyes, comforted by the warmth she finds there. “I’m sor…”

“Nope, we don’t do that.” Ali quickly covers Ashlyn’s lips with her finger before she can finish the apology. “It’s ok, babe. You’re ok. You’re wonderful and I’m right here with you.” Ali gives her a feather light kiss and continues to stroke her cheek.

_She’s so good to me. _Ashlyn can only nod, pulling Ali down into a tight hug and breathing deeply a few times to try and calm herself down. She focuses on the Ali’s skin against her own, her hot breath on the crook of her neck, and relaxes into whatever quiet she can find there.

\-----

“You ok?” Ali lifts her head a bit when she feels Ashlyn’s tight embrace eventually loosen a bit, the woman grabbing a remote control from the night stand to turn off the record player.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods, frowning slightly when Ali rolls off her.

Ali props herself up on her elbow and drapes her other arm across Ashlyn’s stomach, staying as close as she can while giving the woman a little space. “Can you talk to me about it?”

“I’ll try.” Ashlyn replies flatly, not sure how to even begin as she stares up at the ceiling.

“Can you pinpoint what you were feeling just now before we stopped?” Ali asks gently.

Ashlyn thinks on it a little bit, but frustratingly can’t come up with anything better than last time. “I don’t know what to call it, just lucky. I felt lucky.”

_Lucky, again_. “Ok, we’ll work with that.” Ali replies soothingly. “Lucky in what way?”

“Just…everything about you is so right, the way you read me and touch me. You feel amazing. You being here with me, I feel lucky for that.” Ashlyn does her best to answer.

“Lucky? Or undeserving?” Ali just goes for it.

“Well yeah. I mean… they’re like the same thing really, just flipped, right?” Ashlyn considers it. “It used to be more like undeserving until I worked to change it.”

“What do you mean?” Ali asks curiously.

“It was something I worked through with Nancy. We realized that self-defeating thoughts about being with someone who wanted to be with me were physically interfering with things. So when I was with Rachel, Nancy had me working to turn those thoughts into positive ways forward. It worked pretty well. Succeeding at doing that is what got me to eventually orgasm orally with her.” Ashlyn explains.

“Ok, think I understand better now. So, you sort of flipped negative thoughts into a positive version so you were feeling lucky versus something like undeserving.” Ali rephrases to be clear and gets a nod from Ashlyn. Positive self-talk is a great psychological tool, but it’s also scraping the bottom of the therapist barrel so to speak. The last ditch effort of a desperate sex therapist for sure. “As much as I don’t like to reverse another therapist’s progress, are you ok if I try doing exactly that?”

“I’ll try anything you suggest, Alex.” Ashlyn replies earnestly.

“I appreciate that.” Ali smiles and gently strokes the woman’s side a few times. “So, completely forget the lucky. Let’s focus entirely on the undeserving. I want to hear the negatives. In what way are you undeserving exactly?”

_Here we go._ Ashlyn hesitates for a minute before opening Pandora’s box. “It’s hard to explain, but it’s like this general feeling of why me. Like just now with you, I’m enjoying every second and it feels so good, but there’s also this nagging feeling that it’s too good, you know?”

“Too good how?” Ali tries to understand.

“As in too good for me maybe, I’m not sure. It’s not a feeling of inadequacy though. More like here I am enjoying this incredibly good moment with someone who is into me, but I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be.” Ashlyn struggles to describe it.

“Ok, think I’m following so far. Why do you feel like you shouldn’t be enjoying the moment? Tell me about that.” Ali pushes on.

“Just because there are other people who aren’t in this good situation like I am and maybe they should be over me. I don’t know how else to say it.” Ashlyn lets out a sigh, feeling mentally exhausted already.

_Other people, of course. _Everything fires in Ali’s brain as she really narrows in now, her confidence surging that she can guide Ashlyn through this. “You’re doing great, Ash. We’re getting somewhere, I feel it. Just hang on a little longer with me, ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok.” Ashlyn assures her, slightly relieved that Ali seems to at least somewhat know what is going on when she feels so clueless.

“I’m going to be really upfront with you.” Ali forewarns. “I don’t want to put words in your mouth or project feelings on you, but this doesn’t sound quite like you’re feeling undeserving. Sounds more to me like you feel guilty. Any thoughts on that?”

“Guilty.” Ashlyn repeats the word, already knowing it fits before she takes the time to think about it for a minute. “Yeah, I think you’re right. It’s definitely more of a guilty feeling than anything else.”

“Ok, this is good progress. You’re doing great.” Ali says warmly. She maintains her light touches across Ashlyn’s stomach to soothe her, knowing she really has to press her now. “Just now you said ‘there are other people who aren’t in this good situation like I am and maybe they should be’…other people who?”

“I…I don’t know.” Ashlyn is almost taken off guard by the question. “Like other people who should have good people in their lives who make them feel good, but don’t…people who could reciprocate physical intimacy the way I can’t, but don’t have the chance to I guess.”

_Come on, Ash…you can say it, babe. You can tell me. _“Alright, I can understand that. I know this is hard, but I need you to dig deeper for me. Other people like who? Be specific, give me a real example.” Ali pressures her as directly as she can now.

_Not her…you’re over this. Am I? Fuck! You’re supposed to done with this. _Ashlyn’s gut twists in disgust at the first person that comes to mind. “I really don’t know.” Ashlyn mumbles out, not able to stand herself

“I really think you do know.” Ali challenges more forcefully and watches the woman’s jaw tighten, her eyes still on the ceiling and avoiding her gaze right now. _Just say it, you can say it. _Ali gives it a couple minutes, waiting to see if the silence is going to be productive…apparently, it isn’t.

“Hey, look at me.” Ali moves her hand to gently turn Ashlyn’s face, stormy hazel finally focused on her. “You can tell me. I already know, so you can just say it. But I can’t say it for you, Ash. You’re safe with me and I’ll never judge you. You can see my eyes; you can trust me.” She pauses to let it sink it before asking again. “Who is ‘other people’?”

Ashlyn swallows hard, those warm eyes and heartening words making her feel just barely brave enough to spit it out. “Sloane fucking Jentz…fuck.” It physically hurts coming out of her mouth, but Ali’s lips unexpectedly leave a soft kiss that takes some of the sting out of it.

“Thank you. That was really hard for you and you did it anyway. You’re amazing.” Ali pulls Ashlyn into a hug and feels the woman hold her tightly. “How do you feel?” She probes more gently after feeling Ashlyn take a few deep breaths.

“Relieved kinda… also really fucking pathetic.” Ashlyn admits freely. _No sense holding back now._

“You’re not pathetic in any way. I understand why you might feel that way though. We’ll work through it.” Ali reassures her.

“Can we just keep going? I feel like I’m going to shut down real fast if we don’t.” Ashlyn asks almost anxiously, ready to crawl out of her own skin.

“Yeah, of course. You just tell me if you want to stop, ok?” Ali replies.

“Ok.” Ashlyn agrees and rolls on her back again, this time leaving her arm around the brunette’s shoulders and holding her against her side.

“If we’re going to do this right, we can’t shy away from Sloane. So, let’s take whatever power she has over you and toss that right the hell out of this space. You’re with me and you can tell me literally anything with zero judgment. Sloane has no power here, this is a safe space.” Ali puts it bluntly.

“Thanks, Alex. I can do this…I know I can do this with you.” Ashlyn says appreciatively.

“Good.” Ali smiles and continues down the path that seems right. “So early on, you told me that things associated with Sloane made you feel ashamed. But now we’re talking about guilty feelings and that’s different than ashamed. Now that we’ve pinpointed what you’re feeling right now… is it the same as what you were feeling before or is it different? What I mean is, was it really shame you felt before or do you now think maybe it was guilt then too?”

“No, I definitely felt ashamed before. The guilt is, uh, new.” Ashlyn answers frankly.

“Alright, that’s important to know. When did the guilty feelings start, do you know? It’s ok if you don’t.” Ali keeps up her purposeful questioning.

“I do know. It started like three months ago, shortly before Rachel and I broke up.” Ashlyn puts her hand on her forehead and lets out a deep breath. “I did something really fucking stupid.”

“Word choice… you did something that didn’t make you feel very good about yourself.” Ali immediately corrects.

“Right, that’s fair.” Ashlyn smiles tightly. “But I really should have known better, so it was a dumb move.” She contends.

“Still gonna disagree on the wording, but let’s keep going.” Ali presses forward. “What did you do?”

“This girl I went to high school with back in Florida shared a link on Facebook. It was a Go Fund Me fundraiser page for Sloane. And I uh, I clicked on it. I read it.” Ashlyn tells her sheepishly.

“Are you connected to Sloane at all on social media? Did you go to any of her accounts to check in?” Ali patiently gathers some more information.

“No. I blocked her immediately after what happened and haven’t ever unblocked her. I’ve never gone there. But the fundraiser page was an external link, so…” Ashlyn explains.

“Ok, good to know. So, we’re just dealing with this fundraiser page. Tell me about it.” Ali requests.

“Her daughter is almost 4 years old now. She’s pregnant again, due in late December. She lost her job, her husband left her shortly after she got pregnant again. Her Dad died last year and her Mom is in a care home for early onset dementia. She’s been trying to raise $100,000 since March… she has raised $9,400.” Ashlyn’s voice shakes.

“Geez.” Ali lets out a long breath of her own. “Truth, when’s the last time you looked?”

“Two weeks ago. Still at $9,400.” Ashlyn replies flatly. “I only looked twice since that first time.” She adds.

“Can I ask how it made you feel?” Ali questions softly.

“Really fucking bad. Fucking awful. Not like pity for her, but it just fucking hurts to see that this is where she is. And to know that I could easily write a check that would change her life, but knowing that it would be so completely idiotic and that I can’t… fucking sucks. It just hurts.” Ashlyn says honestly, her eyes trained on the ceiling.

“Completely understandable. Did you tell Nancy about any of this?” Ali asks directly, having a sneaking suspicion in her gut.

“No. I didn’t tell anyone.” Ashlyn confesses.

“Outside of the obvious reasons, why not?” Ali asks curiously, a little surprised that the woman didn’t even go to her best friends about it.

“Outside of feeling really dumb and embarrassed about it… I guess I also thought it wasn’t affecting me as much as it clearly is. I didn’t quite make the connection like we just did right now.” Ashlyn answers.

“Makes sense.” Ali reaches for Ashlyn’s hand for this last part that she knows she needs to ask. “Straight talk, Ash… big girl panties time, ok? I need to know something really honestly.”

“Ok, go ahead.” Ashlyn nods, her stomach churning a little nervously.

“Do you still want Sloane in your life in some way or wish that she was? As a friend, an acquaintance, a romantic partner? In any way at all?” Ali asks straight-forwardly.

“No.” Ashlyn replies confidently, the answer coming out in simple truth. “I really don’t. She’s part of my past and that’s the way I want it. I might still feel all these things in connection to her and what I went through, but I don’t want her in my life. I’m over and done with her role in my life. I’ve learned that I’m worth more than being lied to and tossed aside the way she did to me.”

“You absolutely are. Way, way more. Gotta say I’m impressed with how absolutely certain you sound about that. Not so sure I would be if I was in your shoes.” Ali praises the woman’s resolve.

“Trust me, I’m impressed too. No one has actually asked me that and I had no idea how sure I was about it until just now. Feels good actually.” Ashlyn smiles genuinely for the first time since they started this conversation.

Ali just squeezes Ashlyn’s hand and places a little kiss on her forehead. “I’m really proud of you, we’ve come a long way today. Can I tell you what I’m thinking?”

“God yes, I’m dying to know.” Ashlyn turns to look at the brunette.

“First, I want to put things into a larger context for you. So, I’m going to take things back to what happened with your Dad for a minute, that ok?” Ali makes sure Ashlyn is onboard.

“Yeah, totally ok.” Ashlyn agrees.

“Hearing you talk about your tattoo sleeve and being open with me about how you felt when your Dad was killed in prison, it made it clear to me that you have reached a place of peace with it whether or not you realize. It doesn’t mean that the experience goes away or that there is no longer hurt attached to it, just that you have found a way to overcome the intense feelings associated with it.” Ali explains. “In this case, from what I’ve experienced with you thus far, it appears to be that you’ve found ways to manage your vulnerability with aspects of control. And believe it or not, that’s a pretty healthy thing…feeling like you have mastery over your environment in any given situation is often the key healing from trauma. We all use the tools of control and mastery in various ways and in at different thresholds. For you, that’s being very dialed in, perceptive, and making sure you maintain a level of empowerment in situations where you might be vulnerable. With me so far?”

“I’m following.” Ashlyn confirms.

“More specifically, what you have told me in our conversations has suggested to me that you haven’t simply forgotten the trauma itself, but rather gained a deeper understanding of it over time that has allowed you to move forward. And by deeper understanding, I mean that you have realized that none of it was your fault and that you couldn’t control it. Further, you seem to have also accepted the fact that you can simultaneously feel both anger and a sense of empathy for your Dad without feeling guilty about either of those emotions. Does that make sense and sound accurate to you?” Ali tries to lead Ashlyn through her thought process.

“Makes complete sense. I can’t say that I’ve thought about it much or all that deeply, but yes, you’ve nailed it.” Ashlyn nods.

“Ok, so let’s move forward and apply that same process to Sloane. With her, I haven’t gotten the impression that you’ve actually found that place of self-acceptance. I really believe that these guilty feelings associated with Sloane are the barrier still in your way. Granted, you’ve clearly worked through a lot with Nancy in routine therapy and have come to peace with some things that have allowed you to make some headway. But I think the root of the issue is still there and the guilty feelings are a sort of like an access point to it at the moment. Those feelings are preventing you from your using your primary means of coping with vulnerability…they’re taking away from you being able to feel dialed-in and in control at the level you need to feel safe. My sense is that resolving them to the extent that you can is going to be key in making progress with physical intimacy.” Ali explains.

“Ok, but how do I do that?” Ashlyn inquires amidst a myriad of thoughts.

“That’s the big question. And the best I can do is give you what I think is the right advice.” Ali treads carefully.

“I’ll take any advice you have, Alex. I mean it.” Ashlyn already knows that whatever the advice is, it’ll be solid.

“I think maybe you need to forgive.” Ali says unceremoniously.

“Forgive?” Ashlyn repeats back, trying to understand it on the in-depth level that Ali is currently on.

“Yeah. Forgiving is different than forgetting. And I think maybe you’ve been trying to forget with Sloane, when the reality is that you’ll never forget and you just have to forgive.” The gears in Ali’s brain keep turning even as she talks.

“You need to forgive her for knowingly reserving a permanent spot in your heart when she had no intention of ever staying there. No matter how angry or hurt you are about it, the truth is trying to hold that grudge goes against everything you believe in and it’ll be an endless battle with yourself until you give into it somehow. You also need to forgive yourself for loving her so deeply when you knew that she could never love and care for you the same way in return. And most importantly forgive yourself for the fact that, despite it all, you still want good things for her. You’ll have to learn to accept that you’ll probably always wish good things for her because that’s just who you are…again, self-acceptance for your own natural way of coping. Very similar to the process you went through with your childhood trauma. It’s forgiveness in the sense of allowing yourself to be both angry but also empathetic. I think maybe that’s all that’s left for you to do in order to actually move on.” Ali pauses, but Ashlyn is still listening intently.

_Wow._ _Goddamn._ Ashlyn hangs on every word Ali just said, squeezing the brunette’s hand tightly.

“She shattered your heart, Ash. She took pieces that you’ll never get back. Don’t try to forget that those pieces are gone. Learn from it, use it to protect yourself better in the future. Forgive her for hurting you like you naturally want to so that you can let her go. Forgive yourself for letting her hurt you because the fact is that you couldn’t control her actions. And move forward wiser and stronger.” Ali tries to put it more succinctly. “That’s my best advice and it’s totally ok if you don’t take it. We’ll move forward together just the same.”

_You are a light in the dark, Alex Krieger. _“How do I go about forgiving her?” Ashlyn asks out loud even as she thinks it.

“I wish I could answer that for you, but I can’t. I really don’t know. It’s something that you have to figure out for yourself and then work on it.” Ali says regretfully.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Ashlyn sighs again and rolls over onto her side, hand going to Ali’s hip. “You don’t know how much I appreciate you. For your honesty, for the way you know just when and how to push me, for the way I can trust you. You’re dead on about everything and I think your advice is great. I don’t know how you see and understand me so well, but I’m so thankful that you do. I think you’re amazing.” She kisses the brunette meaningfully.

“I think you’re amazing too. I really do.” Ali smiles widely at her. “And you’re welcome…but thank you for putting in the work with me, being open and trusting me. You’re the one doing the hard stuff here.”

They look at each other and just enjoy the quiet for a few minutes, hands moving along each other’s sides. It’s Ashlyn who eventually rolls on her back again, letting out another deep sigh at the way her mind is spinning.

“Doing ok?” Ali checks with her.

“Yeah, just a whole fucking lot process and think about. I feel better in a way, but also more lost for a direction too.” Ashlyn divulges. As much as she feels less burdened with Ali’s insights, she also feels really raw and exposed. The competing feelings are hard to deal with.

“Kind of a mood killer, huh?” Ali jokes to bring some levity.

“Just a little.” Ashlyn chuckles softly, before turning her back to Ali and pulling the brunette’s arm across her waist, entwining their hands on her stomach. She closes her eyes at the feel of Ali’s chest against her back. “Can you just…for a little bit…” She trails off vaguely.

“I’m not going anywhere for a while, babe. I’m here with you.” Ali kisses the back of Ashlyn’s shoulder and spoons her close, shutting her eyes and relaxing into the moment as the room grows dim with the setting sun.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn whispers, trying hard to find some peace of mind. _You’re so good for me, good for my soul. _

Ali’s embrace is so comforting, but it’s no use right now. Ashlyn feels like she’s drowning in her own baggage as all of these feeling she’s been pushing down deep have finally come to the surface.

“Alex?” Ashlyn breaks the long silence between them.

“Mhmm?” Ali replies with a little hum.

“Tell me something nobody knows about you…please?” Ashlyn requests in quiet desperation, just wanting to anchor herself to something as vulnerable and as raw as she currently feels.

Ali opens her eyes, admittedly not expecting that. Still, she doesn’t feel hesitant to answer something so personal with this woman for some reason. There are minimal things that not a single person knows about her, but there’s one on the forefront of her mind these days. There’s no way it doesn’t complicate this, but… _I’m all in, all the way here._

“You don’t have to…” Ashlyn starts when Ali doesn’t respond right away, but the brunette starts talking before she can finish.

“I don’t really like kissing people.” Ali confesses out loud for the first time ever.

“Really?!” Ashlyn can’t temper her surprise in time to not blurt it out like that.

“Really. Pretty damn weird for someone who is a sex therapist for a living and does this whole surrogacy thing too, I know.” Ali shrugs. “I’ve kissed a lot of people, and it’s not like it’s terrible or anything like that. It’s fine, just not my favorite thing. To me, it’s just part of the steps that connect you to someone and that moves along the progression to more pleasurable physicality. But to say I find it particularly enjoyable or even arousing, I don’t. And it’s not just clients… my ex-husband, all the people I’ve dated, all of them pretty much the same.”

“Hmmm.” Ashlyn considers it, admittedly feeling a little bad at how much she likes kissing the brunette when it isn’t doing anything for her in return. “Might not be typical, but I don’t think that it’s weird either. Same way people get turned on by different things, not any different than that really. Plus, with clients, it must be really hard to kiss people you don’t really know. For what it’s worth, you’re a really incredible kisser for someone who doesn’t like it.”

“About that…” Ali pauses for a second. _Just tell her. _“I…whew, ok here we go.”

“You alright back there?” Ashlyn asks, squeezing Ali’s hand when she feels it tighten slightly.

“Yeah. So…” Ali shuts her eyes even though the room is very dim now and Ashlyn isn’t even looking at her. “I really like kissing you.” It’s out there, no reeling it back in. Still, it doesn’t sound adequate enough when she says it. “Well fuck it, I’m full on obsessed with kissing you. It makes me tingle from head to toe and nobody has ever done that to me. I’m strangely addicted and could do it all day. I can’t even get enough of being able to taste your Carmex on my lips for like an hour afterwards. And it’s actually kind of terrifying.”

_Holy fucking shit. _“Wow, ok…ok.” Ashlyn does everything to calm her voice even though she stands no chance at calming her heart rate. She pulls Ali’s arm tighter around her waist and leans back into her more. “Why is it terrifying?”

“Because it’s like this sudden insight after all this time that maybe it’s not that I don’t like kissing…maybe it’s just that I don’t like kissing the wrong people. And what naturally follows from that is…well…really scary.” Good or bad, Ali is glad she got it out to the one person that should know even when no one else does.

_Scary because I can’t be the right person. I can’t be your person. It really is terrifying. _“I know, Alex…I know.” Ashlyn turns around and finds Ali’s eyes in the dusky room. “I know you were just answering my question honestly by telling me all that, but just…you have no idea how much it meant to hear it right now. And I hope you feel ok about telling me and that I didn’t cross any lines. Thanks for telling me.”

“I’m glad I told you. I never thought I would, but here we are.” Ali smiles with a little laugh.

“Here we are.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly too, a dimpled grin on her face.

_That dimple will end me. _Ali runs her hand through Ashlyn’s hair a couple times.

“Hey, Harvard…” Ashlyn bites her lip.

“Yeah?” Ali replies.

“I’m addicted to you too. Like I said before, best ever…and don’t you dare correct my word choice.” Ashlyn kisses her deeply, so tenderly that her stomach drops and her chest aches in the best way.

They kiss languidly for almost half an hour with no other agenda, parting lips only briefly to get air every so often. It’s slightly heated but has all the comfort of two people who have been doing this for years together, everything feeling balanced again.

It’s Ali who eventually finds enough willpower to wind things down. “I really should get going and let you pack for tomorrow.” She holds Ashlyn’s face and pecks her lips a few more times. The room is dark now, just lit by whatever light has managed to travel up this high from the ever bustling city below.

“I know.” Ashlyn sighs and holds Ali’s hips just a bit tighter. “Today was really good.”

“And a whole lot to deal with.” Ali puts a more realistic spin on it since Ashlyn seems to be taking the route of positive superlatives right now.

“That too.” Ashlyn concedes with a tight smile. “It’s really damn hard, but I’m also really glad. I couldn’t do this without you.”

“Of course not, would be mighty difficult to make out with yourself, Stanford.” Ali replies lightly just to hear that sweet chuckle that Ashlyn always gives her even when she knows she’s not being near funny enough to earn one.

“True. Plus, soft-butch computer-geek types just really don’t do it for me.” Ashlyn jokes back at her own expense.

“Oh well, we’re gonna work on that eventually.” Ali winks.

“Masturbation innuendo wrapped up with some self-esteem…nice touch, Harvard.” Ashlyn laughs. They both fall quiet for a minute, studying each other’s outlines in the darkened room. She steals one more long kiss and gives herself another minute to hold Ali tight to her chest and enjoy the feel of her skin. “Come on, I’ll help you find your shirt and walk you out.”

Ashlyn opts to turn on some ambient wall lighting so that neither of them gets blinded with the bright overhead lights. She just quickly tosses on her shirt, going braless and only doing the two middle buttons so that the shirt stays somewhat closed. She’s behind Ali in no time, helping the brunette fasten her bra so she doesn’t have to reach back.

“Reliably chivalrous, I like that about you. Especially because it comes off so natural.” Ali smiles.

“Grandpa taught me well.” Ashlyn smiles back. “He was a real stud for his age.”

“I have no doubt.” Ali gets her shirt on and checks her hair in the mirror, quickly throwing it up into a loose bun so she doesn’t look too disheveled on the walk home. She can’t help but be taken with the way Ashlyn holds her hand down the stairs and across the penthouse, only letting go to help with her coat.

“Take some time think about the things we talked about today. Try to narrow in on how you’re feeling as you think and maybe plot out how different courses of action might play out for you. It seems to me that most of the time, deep down, we already know exactly what to do and just let outside influences hold us back from acting on it. So maybe approach it from that angle. You don’t have to come to any conclusions, so don’t put pressure on yourself. It’s ok if this takes some time, or even a really long time.” Ali works to bring together what happened today before she leaves. “We can talk things through more next time and even slow down the physical aspects until you feel like you have a better grasp on it all. Whatever you want, and we can decide together when we get there, ok?”

“Ok. Thanks again, for everything.” Ashlyn smiles, her mind already stewing on all the emotions and revelations from this afternoon. “I guess this trip is coming at a good time, gives me a chance to really sort out my brain.”

“I agree with that. It’ll be good for you to get some extra time to think things over. And you can call or text me if you get caught up and need some guidance.” Ali nods. “Just remember that whatever progress you make is great, no matter how small.”

“Spoken like a true therapist.” Ashlyn snickers.

“I am a therapist.” Ali teasingly reminds her.

“Yeah well, most therapists aren’t this sexy and don’t touch me like you do. So excuse me if I happen to forget sometimes.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Oh, so now she’s sexy huh?” Ali raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, she’s very sexy.” Ashlyn replies with a dimpled grin. “And so beautiful. Beautifully sexy? Sexily beautiful?” She tilts her head to the side as she pretends to ponder it deeply.

“Save some for next time, Stanford charm.” Ali laughs and leans in for a hug, her hands slipping under the back of Ashlyn’s shirt to find warm skin, melting into the way strong arms completely envelope her. _God, she really knows how to hold a woman._

“So…” Ashlyn pulls back just enough to look at the brunette.

“So…” Ali repeats, waiting for whatever she is going to say.

“Now that I know…gonna be impossible to stop me.” Ashlyn smiles and quickly closes the distance, kissing Ali deeply and relishing in the way the brunette’s hands grip her lower back. It’s just long enough and just passionate enough to leave them both standing there with hooded eyes and wanting more.

“I will do absolutely nothing to stop you.” Ali whispers and leans in for another lingering kiss before reaching over to press the elevator button.

“I’m really glad you told me.” Ashlyn repeats sweetly.

“Me too.” Ali says genuinely before adding “don’t forget to pack your Carmex, babe_”_ with a wink.

“Never, baby.” Ashlyn flirts back, her mind going right to what Ali said earlier. “Speaking of…” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the little tube, spreading some on her lips and then kissing the brunette softly. Finally standing back and giving her a wink of her own.

“You’re too much.” Ali laughs at the gesture, thrilled to have that Carmex tingle on her lips.

“And yet, you can’t get enough.” Ashlyn smirks and earns a little nudge from the brunette as the elevator arrives.

“Safe travels. Knock ‘em dead, Stanford.” Ali squeezes her hand and steps into the elevator. “Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.” She says more meaningfully.

“I will. Sweet dreams, Alex.” Ashlyn smiles and watches the door close completely before heading into the kitchen to brew some coffee. Between packing and her restless mind, it’s going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo...thoughts on the new Ash and Sloane drama? Any ideas on what Ash will do about it?  
And what to we think about Ali's reveal? Are we happy she told Ash?


	19. Forgiven, Not Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ash is a bad ass businesswoman of action in this fic...so, you didn't think she'd sit too long on this latest Sloane issue, did you? Off to Cali we go!  
Drop me a comment to let me know your thoughts and have a wonderful start to the week!
> 
> ***Update Notice: I am traveling all week for work, so updates this week may be a little different timing. I'm planning to get that Weds update out as usual, but I'm on a red-eye home Sunday night. So, the update later in the week may come a bit earlier or a bit later than Sunday...not sure yet and it depends on my wifi access. I appreciate your patience :-) ***

Forgiven, Not Forgotten

“Well you look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” Crystal’s voice drips with sarcasm as Ashlyn gets into the passenger’s seat of the Escalade. “Did you procrastinate on packing again and stay up late?”

“Good morning to you too.” Ashlyn replies a bit grumpily. Although she didn’t find the motivation to pack for the trip until 11pm, it’s not like sleep was going to be restful after that session with Ali. Her mind had practically run a marathon all night trying to figure out how to handle this Sloane situation amidst the new insights and, worst of all, coming to no conclusion.

“Triple-shot latte.” Crystal points to the cup holder.

“You’re a fucking lifesaver, minion. I love you.” Ashlyn says appreciatively, already feeling better after the first sip.

“I know you way too well. But if you’re gonna be professing love, you gotta compete with this big ol’ rock right here!” Crystal holds up her hand to show off her engagement ring for what has to be the thousandth time since Pierre proposed a few months ago.

“Yes, yes, we all know Prince Pierre got you a diamond so big that you had to work on your biceps just to be able to hold it up.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“Don’t be jelly, it’s not a cute look.” Crystal continues to tease before asking a real question. “Seriously, what’s up with you? You’re all crabby and drained looking, everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m alright. Just didn’t sleep. I had a great session with Ali yesterday, but we got into some heavy stuff that has my mind all tangled.” Ashlyn explains, but is only met with silence that she knows means Crystal is waiting for more. “We may have identified the issue that is holding me back physically.”

“That’s awesome!” Crystal excitedly slaps Ashlyn’s arm.

“It is, but it’s a tough issue in a lot of ways and it’s on me to figure out how I resolve it. Just a lot to process and think about right now. I’m feeling kinda lost as to what exactly I should do.” Ashlyn elaborates a bit, but leaves it there.

“You’re a chronic over-thinker, boss lady. What you really need to do is chill the fuck out.” Crystal offers simply.

“How very profound of you, but probably.” Ashlyn smiles.

“No, definitely. You’re going to Cali for a few days. Enjoy the hot sun, have a few drinks, get yourself all empowered by the strong women at the event, and CHILL! Go to the beach, get a tan, have a few drinks, and then think about shit when your brain is all gooey relaxed and ready.” Crystal instructs vehemently. “And for fuck’s sake, sleep on the damn flight because you look like one of those Walking Dead zombies.”

“I really wish you wouldn’t sugarcoat things, Crys.” Ashlyn returns the earlier sarcasm.

“You know I’m right.” Crystal stops at a red light and shoots her a look over her sunglasses.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re onto something.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a smile. “I was going to write my speech for tomorrow on the flight, but I guess that can be done tonight with some room service.”

“Exaaactly! Minion – 1, Boss Lady – 0!” Crystal brags.

“That is if I actually make it to my flight without getting into a car accident first.” Ashlyn grimaces as Crystal swerves the large SUV across three lanes of heavy traffic and barely makes it off the exit. “Christ! I should always wear a blindfold when you drive me to the airport.”

“Why do you think I picked a tank of a car? I’ll plow my way through if I have too.” Crystal laughs. “And you’ve always been at least an hour early for your flights when I drive you, just the way your type-A ass likes it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have to like your methods.” Ashlyn cringes again when Crystal speeds around two taxis and pulls up into a spot at the terminal curb that barely accommodates the Escalade.

“We’ve arrived, my lady.” Crystal bows with a shit eating grin on her face.

“Thank you, Jeeves. As always, you’re the best. Most deranged driver ever, but still the best.” Ashlyn chuckles. “Thanks again for the ride and your wise counsel. Have an awesome rest of the week and help Whit keep Pinoe in line.”

“Pssh, I live to keep Pinoe in line.” Crystal says with flare. “For real, take care of yourself and have a great trip, boss lady. Hit up the celly if you need me.”

“I will. Dinner on me when I get back Sunday.” Ashlyn promises.

“Ha, like I wasn’t already gonna be waiting on your couch and expecting you to cook for me.” Crystal sasses.

“Right. Later, minion.” Ashlyn playfully rolls her eyes again and grabs her carry-on bag from the trunk, giving Crystal a little wave before heading into the terminal.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

_“I know I’ve talked a lot about the importance of dreaming big and protecting your dreams over the last half hour, but as I wrap things up, I also want to drive home the point that dreaming is only 10% of being successful. The truth is that hard work makes up the other 90%. At the end of the day, you have to put the work in. You have care about the process as much as the product. And it’s not always easy to do that or to stay motivated. It’s simple to tell people to work hard and take big chances, but the reality is that 9 out of 10 attempts end in failure. It’s learning from those failures and taking the next step with as much enthusiasm as the first step that brings success. If Option A doesn’t work, then go kick ass on Option B. And if Option B doesn’t work, then go kick ass on Option C and so forth.”_

_“Try to always do the things that you don’t quite feel ready to do. That’s how you grow, that’s how you become resilient enough to keep moving forward in the face of failure. Remember that every failure is a success in its own right. So, I suggest you fail a lot and make you sure you fail even better every time. And you don’t have to go through the process alone. Building connections and networking are not just for the purposes of marketing, but also important in that you’ll have so much in common with these people. These relationships will often help you regroup and reframe your ideas to come out on top, so cultivate them and utilize them.”_

_“Look around at all the amazing women in this room, get to know them, and stick together…you are the future. The bad ass, independent, female businesswomen that I can’t wait to work with. You’ll be called bossy, bitchy, and a whole host of other things as you navigate your way to the top. But remember in the end that those aren’t pejorative terms. All it means is that you are passionate, engaged, and ambitious…it means that you are a leader. And to that I say: Cheers ladies, lead the way and don’t ever change for anyone.”_

“Incredible…she’s completely incredible! Just, wow.” Ali voices out loud in her office even though she’s by herself. She sits there mesmerized, her eyes still transfixed on the screen of her laptop even as Ashlyn steps away and the next speaker comes up to the podium.

She tries to pay attention to the next woman speaking, but her mind just keeps replaying Ashlyn’s speech. It was real and authentic in a way that virtually anyone could relate to and be inspired by, and immeasurably better than the two women that had spoken before her to say the least. It only takes a few more minutes before she gives up on watching this last speech and grabs her phone to send a text.

_Alex Krieger:_ _Have you ever considered running for president?_

Ali gets back to work, typing up her handwritten notes from her morning client so she can run to grab a quick lunch before the next one shows up.

She’s just re-entering her office when her phone vibrates. She puts her leftover lunch sandwich and fresh cup of coffee down on the desk, digging into her pocket for her phone and smiling when she sees the notification.

_Ashlyn: I strongly dislike politics, so hell no. Why? Is this one of those psychological assessment questions? Also… hi :-)_

_Alex Krieger: Hi yourself :-) Just asking because I would vote for any woman who just gave the speech that you did._

_Ashlyn: You watched it?_

_Alex Krieger: Watched it?! I didn’t blink while you were talking, Ash. You were outstanding, inspiring, incredible, amazing, stupendous… get the point yet or should I keep going?_

_Ashlyn: Got it, got it. Thanks, Alex. That means a lot. I really value your opinion and appreciate you watching._

_Alex Krieger: It was my pleasure, I learned a lot actually._

_Ashlyn: Oh yeah? Like what?_

_Alex Krieger: For starters, I thought being a therapist took patience, but I got nothing on you bad ass businesswomen. I just put ‘become a venture capitalist’ on my bucket list. Know what else I learned?_

_Ashlyn: What’s that?_

_Alex Krieger: That you look positively phenomenal in a suit. That bow tie is fire…total flames._

_Ashlyn: Smooth, Harvard. Very smooth._

_Alex Krieger: I know :-) but I mean it. How are you doing?_

_Ashlyn: Still thinking through a lot, but glad to have some peace to think out here when I’m not at events. I’m doing ok though._

_Alex Krieger: Glad to hear it. Don’t forget you can call me if you need to talk anything through._

_Ashlyn: Promise I will if I need to._

_Alex Krieger: Good. Do you have a lot more events left?_

_Ashlyn: Just a dinner with university faculty/admin tonight. Tomorrow I have a mock-networking event and an informal question/answer panel. Gonna make an appearance in our office out here on Saturday and then finally home on Sunday. _

_Alex Krieger: Such a mover and shaker, get em’ girl!_

_Ashlyn: You know it :-) Speaking of, gonna to try to work-out and nap so I feel refreshed for dinner later. Hope you have a great rest of the day! _

_Alex Krieger: I want a nap! Totally jealous! Good luck with the rest of the events. Sleep well, Ash._

_Ashlyn: Thanks. You always make me smile._

_Alex Krieger: Back at you, Stanford charm._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------_

_“This question is for Ms. Harris. What would you most credit for your success? In other words, what is the single greatest piece of indispensable advice you would give to someone like me who is just starting out?”_

_Ashlyn ponders the question for a few seconds before addressing the young woman who asked it. “Well I’d say you’re off to a great start already seeing as how you went in for a killer question to end the panel rather than lobbing me an easy one. Thanks for that by the way.” She smiles as the audience laughs._

_“My greatest piece of advice that I most credit to my success… go with your gut. The truth is that most of the time that gut feeling you have, whether good or bad, is right. So, listen to it and don’t let your own doubts or anyone else’s shut it down. Trust in your instincts and act on them even when your brain tries to tell you otherwise. Whatever your gut is telling you may seem a little unusual or risky sometimes, but sometimes unusual and risky is exactly what you need. That’s my best advice…believe in yourself and go with your gut.”_

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, Ashlyn feels like she got smacked. She does her best not to zone out as the closing speech of the event is made and smiles attentively through almost an hour of shaking hands and chatting with any lingering attendees. She’s desperate to get back to her hotel room and give her racing mind a chance to settle down, nearly jumping into her Uber when it arrives. _Go with your gut. _Of course. That’s her thing, that’s what she does. It has been right there this whole time. _Why haven’t I listened? Fuck that, I’m doing this._

Nearly two hours later, Ashlyn paces her hotel room in a robe. She’s already taken a shower even though she didn’t need one and ordered room service for dinner even though she’s not hungry. Maybe the bottle of whiskey she ordered with dinner will help, but she’s not even sure of that. Her eyes keep darting to her laptop on the desk. _Just sit down and do it, Ash. Get it together. You just need to do it._

She paces a couple more times before grabbing her phone, her thumb hovering over the call button as Ali’s words ring in her head. ‘_It seems to me that most of the time, deep down we already know exactly what to do and just let outside influences hold us back from acting on it.’ _Ali knew it too, go with your gut. This has to be the right thing. _Ugh, just fucking do it! _Instead of sitting at the computer, she presses the call button.

\---

“I need to take this, can you pause it?” Ali is in the middle of watching _Legally Blonde_ with Kyle when the phone rings, the two of them in Kyle’s homemade cleansing facemask. She’s already up off the couch as she asks.

“Yeah, I need a bathroom break anyway. More popcorn?” Kyle offers as she leaves the room.

“Yes please!” Ali yells back to him and quickly climbs the stairs to her bedroom, answering the call before it goes to voicemail. “Hi, just hang on one second.” She says into the phone before putting on a warm flannel shirt and climbing out the window of her bedroom and onto the fire escape where she’s sure Kyle won’t overhear her. “Hey, sorry. I’m here. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, uh, I’m fine. Geez, I’m sorry, Alex. I forgot how late it was there.” Ashlyn chides herself, only thinking to look at the clock as she heard Ali scramble and realizing that it was just past 11pm in NYC.

“No, no, it’s ok. Really! I was just watching a movie with my brother and just wanted to go somewhere so I could talk in private.” Ali assures her.

“Well I don’t want to keep you, really.” Ashlyn keeps backpedaling.

“Hey, Ash…seriously, it’s ok. I have all the time in the world for you. What’s going on?” Ali asks in concern, the woman’s voice sounding uncharacteristically spastic.

“It’s nothing bad. I uh… I think I figured out what I need to do and I guess now I just need to do it. And I just needed… I just needed to hear your voice to get me there.” Ashlyn explains vaguely.

Ali does her best to read between the lines of what Ashlyn is saying, knowing this clearly has to do with the Sloane situation, but not having much more insight than that. “Just couldn’t stay away, huh?” She jokes in hopes that it will calm the woman.

“Something like that.” Ashlyn chuckles, feeling her anxiety settle a bit.

“Well you have my voice now. Want to talk it through?” Ali offers sweetly.

“As much I adore that voice, talking it through is the last thing I need.” Ashlyn sighs. “One of those situations where I know that what I’m doing is probably insanely dumb in many ways, but I just know it’s what I need to do. Talking about it might talk me out of it, you know?”

“Totally understand where you’re coming from.” Ali says empathetically. “And whatever it is that you’re doing…gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it’s really hard for you and requires some bravery?” She doesn’t press further to ask if it’s something dangerous or illegal because she knows Ashlyn better than that.

“To say the least.” Ashlyn replies softly.

“Ok, well just remember that you don’t have to rush into anything or even act on anything at all. And know that I fully believe in you, support you, and I’m here for you. Most importantly, please don’t forget to be kind and gentle with yourself.” Ali says genuinely.

“Thanks, Alex.” Ashlyn smiles.

“So if you’re not going to talk about that, talk to me about something else.” Ali suggests.

“Ok, like what?” Ashlyn questions, thinking maybe she can talk about her day.

“Tell me something that nobody knows about you.” Ali goes with the woman’s own question to her, sitting down on the fire escape and hugging herself with her free arm to help block out the chill of the night air.

“Oh um…” Ashlyn stutters a bit surprised.

“You don’t have to.” Ali quickly adds. “It’s just that sometimes being a little bit vulnerable helps us open up to being a lot vulnerable, know what I mean?”

_She’s so fucking good at this… that’s exactly what I need. _“You’re right, you’re totally right.” Ashlyn takes a deep breath and thinks on the question. “One person did know about this just by the nature of it, but he died a couple years ago. So, technically nobody knows about it.” Ashlyn prefaces.

“That works, keep talking.” Ali encourages her.

“Do you know how I was finally able to get over having all these scars on my back?” Ashlyn asks rhetorically before answering her own question. “I got a tattoo.”

Ali’s mind immediately contemplates whether she’s going to hear the meaning behind one of Ashlyn’s tattoos that they haven’t talked about yet, but she stays silent.

“Did you wonder at all why my Dad wasn’t part of my family tattoo?” Ashlyn asks.

“Actually, I did at first.” Ali answers candidly and doesn’t hold back at all. “But then I realized that he left enough permanent marks on your body.”

“Yeah, you nailed it. That’s exactly how I felt too.” Ashlyn finds herself completely relaxing at the way Ali seems to understand her so well. “He left marks that I’ll never be able to erase, but the thing is that to really be able to feel in control of it all… I needed to feel like I could erase his ugliness in some way. So, as soon as I turned 18, I got my second tattoo.”

“Tell me about it.” Ali requests gently, not quite sure where this going.

“It was what he signed in my 11th birthday card, the thing that always hurt me the most to remember because it was the beginning of the end. It said ‘Daddy loves you, Princess.’” Ashlyn says evenly. “So, I picked a sensitive place on my body where I knew it would hurt. I had his handwriting inked on my left side, directly over one of my ribs.”

Ali’s brow furrows at the information, not sure how she missed seeing it when she so carefully took in Ashlyn’s side tattoo just the other day. She wonders if maybe it’s in white ink or too small to see. “So, it’s on the same side as…”

“My family tattoo, yeah. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything.” Ashlyn assures her before revealing the rest. “I had it covered up just as soon as it healed, with my mom’s flowers. And that’s how I took control back over my own skin. I covered up his ugliest with my mom, and my grandma, and my grandpa. I covered him up with love. The tattoo artist knew about it obviously, but like I said, he died a couple years ago. So, nobody knows it’s under there but me. And now you.”

“Wow.” Ali whispers out in awe. “I’m going to use your words and say that it’s hauntingly beautiful. You’re remarkable and so strong, I hope you know that.” Ali tells her reverently.

“Thanks, Alex. This is exactly what I needed.” Ashlyn smiles, suddenly feeling empowered despite having let more of her walls crumble.

“Glad I could help.” Ali feels relieved to hear Ashlyn’s voice sounding more like her usual self.

“You really did. I think I’m ready to get myself together and do this thing.” Ashlyn says resolutely. “I trusted my gut to call you and it was dead on. I figure I can’t go wrong if I just keep trusting it.”

“Always a good bet.” Ali agrees.

“I missed you today.” Ashlyn admits quietly.

“I missed you too.” Ali replies in truth.

“Go watch your movie. I’ll see you Tuesday, either feeling gloriously triumphant or like rotting trash. Might want to prepare for both scenarios.” Ashlyn jokes a bit.

“I’ll be here and ready for you no matter what. And please call again if you need me, ok?” Ali reminds her.

“You’re the best, I mean it.” Ashlyn gives herself just a couple more seconds to listen to Ali’s breathing on the line. “Sweet dreams, baby.” She grins widely, hearing the sweet little laugh she was hoping for when she chose to go with the pet name.

“You sleep well too and safe travels home, babe.” Ali returns the simultaneously teasing and genuinely amorous moniker before pressing the end call button.

\---

“How’s Ms. Hotter than Ruby Rose?” Kyle asks nonchalantly with a smirk on his face as he munches on popcorn.

“Why would a client call me this late?” Ali challenges back, tossing out an ambiguous question so she’s not really lying to him but also not admitting it.

“Because she must have really needed you. And don’t think you’re being sly, she’s not just any client.” Kyle raises his eyebrows.

“Ugh.” Ali just groans in response.

“Beebs, you don’t pause Elle Woods for just anyone.” He points to the TV screen. “Also, the smile you’re trying-but-failing to hide is gonna melt that cleansing mask right off your face and blind me at the same time. Way obvious, honey. So, let’s try again, is she ok?”

“I hope so. She’s going through a lot right now, but I believe in her that she’s got this.” Ali gives in. “Unpause it.” She demands, signaling that she’s done with the conversation.

“Right-O, lovebird!” Kyle playfully throws a piece of popcorn at her before unpausing the movie, yelping when she shoves her cold feet under his thigh. “You suck!”

“You deserve it. Now shhh!” Ali digs her feet deeper under his thigh and does her best to pay attention to the movie so she doesn’t drive herself crazy worrying about Ashlyn.

\------

Ashlyn’s eyes are bleary from both exhaustion and emotional overload as she stares at her laptop screen. On her left, a half empty bottle of whiskey. On her right, some leftover fries from dinner that she never bothered to touch after forcing herself to eat the turkey club sandwich she ordered to compensate for the whiskey.

_Is it done? Is it everything I wanted to say? Do I truly mean every word of it? _She questions herself and reads it for at least the twentieth time now, no small feat seeing as it’s now past 4am and her head is pounding from the whiskey she drank earlier. _Come on, just do it. Do it before you freak the fuck out. _She debates reading it one more time before realizing her eyes are going to slam shut any minute now from lack of sleep.

_Am I ready? Who cares, just go! _She scrolls to the bottom of the page and enters the required information before checking the box that says ‘anonymous’. _No turning back now. _

She blows out one long breath and clicks the ‘ok’ button. ‘Processing…’ flashes across the screen for just a moment and then it’s done. The little thermometer indicator on the page now completely filled up in red as two words appear in digital confetti: ‘Goal Achieved!’

_One more step, you’re ok. You’re ok. _Ashlyn’s hands shake as she highlights and copies the text in the Word document on her screen. She doesn’t dawdle so that she doesn’t change her mind, opening Facebook messenger. She scrolls down her list of blocked contacts and finds the right one.

‘Are you sure you want to unblock this account?’ _Am I? Yes, come on, Ash. _She quickly confirms and then opens a new message, pasting the text she just copied from the word document.

_Just hit send and it’s done, it’s done for good. _Her finger hovers over the enter key for just a split second, her hand suddenly feeling too heavy to hold up. And she relents… button pressed, sent, done. Still, her breath is held… waiting.

_She’s probably asleep, it’s like 7am there. _Her eyes protest and beg to close, but she doesn’t dare. That’s the whole reason she did it this way, so she could be sure. _Just stay up a little longer, it’ll happen soon, I know it. _Sloane was always an obsessive social media checker_. _And then it happens, even faster than expected and it startles her a bit: the checkmark under the message turns blue. _She got, she’s reading it._

Her hands keep shaking as she finds the right menu again, this time from an adrenaline surge. ‘Are you sure you want to block this account?’ _Absolutely a million fucking percent sure. _She confirms and clicks ‘yes’, her entire body feeling like it’s dripping in tingles, like some kind of poison is leaving her. _It’s done. Done. Gone. _

“Fuck. This is...” She whispers audibly without finishing the sentence, a weird feeling of nothing taking over now. The most wonderful nothingness she has ever felt. It’s the first time she’s ever asserted herself and stood up for herself when it comes to Sloane Jentz…and it’ll be the last. She can’t take any more, slumping right there in the chair, eyelids dropping shut, and giving into the sleep that she has fought for hours.

\-----

“Oww, fucking fuck.” Ashlyn’s voice grumbles thick with sleep as she tries to find her phone to turn off the alarm that is piercing her brain. She finally sees it on the desk, poking at it haphazardly a few times before it goes silent. She looks around for few seconds to get her bearings, realizing that she fell asleep in the desk chair. It only takes another few seconds for her to realize why she fell asleep there. _Fuck, did I actually… _The fundraiser page is still up on her laptop screen, reflecting the same as it did last night: ‘Goal Achieved!’ _Yes. Yes, I did. _

She exhales a deep breath and takes stock of herself. It’s 9:15am and her head is still pounding, her neck and back are so stiff that it’s painful, her eyes burn from falling asleep in her contacts. _I’m good. I feel so fucking good!_ She smiles so wide that her face hurts and she eventually starts laughing at nothing like a mad woman until she can’t breathe. _Amazing, this feels amazing! _She quickly grabs her phone and pulls up the group text of her friends.

_Sherlock: Ladies, my place for dinner tomorrow night! I’ll cook. Flight gets in at 3pm, so let’s say 7pm?_

_Watson: What’s the occasion?_

Ashlyn rolls her eyes with a smile. Of course, Whit would know better that something was up. She decides to go with vague-but-plausible.

_Sherlock: Just wanted to fill you all in about the trip._

_Watson: Ok, but you’re not cooking. I’ll bring pizza from Saluggi’s!_

_Pinoe: I’m there, butchie! I’ll bring the wine!_

_Minion: I already invited myself days ago, but I’ll bring the Twizzlers!_

_Pinoe: Twizzlers???_

_Minion: If you haven’t sipped white wine through a Twizzler while eating pizza, you haven’t lived. But fine, I’ll bring donuts for dessert too. _

_Pinoe: Fucking gross, but you know I’m trying it._

_Minion: You will all sip wine through a Twizzler, done deal._

_Watson: Why do I feel like I’m going to regret this?_

_Sherlock: I love you all so damn much! _

_Pinoe: Duh! Muah!_

_Minion: Love? Correction: You’re obsessed with me._

_Watson: Love you too. For real, you ok Ashlyn?_

_Sherlock: For real, never better! Gotta go drop in at the office so our peeps remember they have a boss. See you tomorrow night!_

Ashlyn has just over an hour to get ready, so she quickly dials room service to order coffee and breakfast before taking three Advil, hoping the combination will get rid of the headache. She figures she can eat while she soaks in the tub to relieve the stiffness in her back and neck. She sits down at the desk again, looking at the pages still up on her laptop screen one more time to make sure it’s as real as it feels. Satisfied that it is, she closes each one of them and shuts the computer down. _I did it_. _It’s real._

All she can think about now is getting home…home to her friends…home to Ali.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ugh, this is so vile!” Whitney cringes as she sips her wine through a Twizzler. “Ryan would disown me if he knew I was doing this.”

“I actually think it’s pretty good.” Pinoe takes another sip of her own wine.

“You would.” Ashlyn laughs. “Eh, it’s not terrible. But I feel like it kind of kills good wine.” She shrugs.

“You high life people don’t know good when you see it.” Crystal scoffs at them. “Also, like eating pizza doesn’t kill a good wine?” She counters.

“You live in a luxury high rise with a six figure salary, minion. Not to pull up your roots, but you are the high life.” Ashlyn plays back. “Touché on the pizza thing though.”

“Buuurn!” Megan exclaims.

“No way, this isn’t just any pizza. This is the best pizza! High quality.” Whitney is still arguing the point.

“Let it go, uptight CTO!” Megan quips.

“Oh shut it and sip your Twizzler, twerp.” Whitney jibes back.

“Buuurn!” Crystal sasses in satisfaction.

“Easy, before you all burn the place down.” Ashlyn shakes her head at them despite loving every minute of the fun jibing that none of them ever take personally. “Besides, I wanna talk about something.”

“Silence peasants! Queen Butchie speaks!” Megan announces before seeing the serious look on Ashlyn face and shutting right up.

Crystal looks intrigued, but Whitney immediately sits forward already having anticipated that something was up.

“What’s going on, Ash?” Whitney implores her.

“I owe you all a huge apology.” Ashlyn sighs and sets her wine down, looking around at all of them before continuing. “You are the most important people in my life, my best friends, my family…and I hid something from you. I did something really stupid and I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anyone. And it’s not because I didn’t trust you, I swear it. It’s just that until very recently, I didn’t realize how much it had hurt me and affected me. I thought it didn’t matter when it mattered a whole damn lot. And I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, Ash.” Whitney takes the lead for them, the other two just nodding. “You can tell us now if you want, no pressure.”

“I do want to tell you.” Ashlyn reveals. “’I’m just gonna say it. A few months ago, not too long before Rachel broke up with me… some girl I knew from back in Florida shared a Facebook link to a Go Fund Me page. It was a fundraiser for Sloane, and I clicked on it and I read it.”

“Yikes as fuck.” Megan whispers and earns a light slap on the arm from Crystal.

“No, she’s right. Admittedly not my best moment.” Ashlyn smiles tightly. “Anyway, her life right now is super fucked up. She’s pregnant again, baby is due in December and her daughter is four now. Her husband left her high and dry, she lost her job, her mom is in a care home for dementia, and her dad died a while back. So, she’s alone and a mess. She was trying to raise $100,000 since like March and only had $9,400 as of this week.”

“Well the ho fucking deserves it.” Crystal can’t stop herself and earns her own light slap from Megan.

“That’s the thing then?” Whitney’s eyes are almost piercing when she looks at her best friend, the lightbulb going off on her head. “You feel bad for her?”

“That’s the thing. I do. And really guilty that I could just write a check and change her life without flinching, but also couldn’t.” Ashlyn shrugs slightly. “It has been fucking me up along with all these other old feelings related to her, and I didn’t realize until Ali dug in there the other day and pulled it out. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I knew it was dumb that I even looked and then I was embarrassed, but also buried it. Doesn’t matter, I’m sorry.”

“Totally ok, Ash.” Whitney reaches over to rub Ashlyn’s knee.

“Completely ok.” Megan agrees.

“Don’t be sorry at all. I’m just sorry you got hurt again.” Crystal says sincerely.

“Me too.” Ashlyn nods. “Thank you, y’all are the best. I mean that more that you know.”

“Oh we know it, butchie.” Megan reliably breaks the heaviness. “So, what now?”

“Well, Ali gave me some advice. Really good advice.” Ashlyn smiles. “She said maybe I needed to forgive her. That I’ve been trying to forget her and maybe the right thing is not to forget, but to forgive her, forgive myself, and let go while still learning from it. And honestly, I had no fucking clue how to do that. And then I’m at the Women in Business event this weekend, and I’m telling this girl to always go with her gut… and it fucking hit me that I need to take my own advice. Even Ali had tried to get that across to me without pushing me in any direction.” She rambles.

“Wait, did you do something already?” Whitney asks, knowing that signature wildness in her best friend’s eyes and finally starting to gain some insight into her seemingly laid-back and loose demeanor this evening.

“Uh…yeah. Something so damn moronic on the face of it. But I just knew that it was the right thing for me. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Ali when I talked to her right before I did it. I just didn’t want to be talked out of it. I just had to do it.” Ashlyn replies almost giddily.

“Oh bitch, you did not write Voldemort a check!!!” Megan points a finger at her.

Crystal just groans based on the look on Ashlyn’s face that confirms it. Whitney’s mouth twitches a bit, her hands clenched, but she tries to be patient.

“Just hear me out, ok?” Ashlyn pleads and immediately gets a round of nods. “I did do that. But it wasn’t excessive. Some part of me wanted to send her like $500,000 and make it all ok. I didn’t…I just covered the rest of the fundraiser amount so she was at $100,000. I did it anonymously, so even if she thinks it was me, she can’t confirm.” She explains quickly and moves right along.

“But that wasn’t the important part. Not even close. I uh, unblocked her on Facebook temporarily and I sent her a message on there. Waited long enough to make sure she got it and re-blocked her...permanently. I forgave her and I forgave me. It was goodbye for good this time…and in a way that I can live with, my way. And I feel so fucking good about it.” Ashlyn looks around to see shell-shocked faces that she can’t quite read. “Here, no more secrets about this shit. It’s done. Read it.” She hands them a printed copy of her letter to Sloane and watches carefully as they huddle close to read it.

_Sloane,_

_If you know me the way you have always claimed to, then you know this letter wants no reply. Just read it, or don’t…I guess it really doesn’t matter one way or the other now that I’ve sent it._

_Remember in middle school when we used to just walk laps outside at recess instead of playing kickball? We’d always tell each other that kickball was stupid and we didn’t want to play, but we both knew that the other was lying. We just didn’t want to be the last ones left standing when the popular kids who always led the teams didn’t pick us. For a long time, I was fine with not playing because I had you to walk with me. _

_And then you left, and I had to learn to walk by myself to avoid playing the game. I got good at it, Sloane. I somehow figured out how to be a confident person, someone I was proud of, someone who didn’t need to play the game to feel good about themselves. Some of that person suddenly felt lost when my Grandma died, and then there you were. Just like in middle school when I couldn’t have needed you more, you were there to walk with me again._

_Except this time, I was a different person. I finally had the inner strength to captain my own team and play the damn game. And I just knew deep down that all you ever wanted was for someone to pick you to play with them. So I asked you, Sloane. I asked you to play on my team forever with my heart in my hands, thinking that it was all you were waiting for. But I was so fucking wrong, wasn’t I? You may have wanted to play, but you never wanted to be on my team. For me, it was always you. For you, it was never me._

_These last few years, I’ve been trying my best to not be content with just walking alone again. Pushing myself to still play the game without you on my team. And you know what, it’s been hard to play knowing that you’re out there playing without me. But what is most fucked up… I find myself cheering for your team even if it’s at odds with mine. And for once, I truly understand what that means for me._

_I forgive you, Sloane. I forgive you for taking my heart and walking away with it that first time, knowing you would do nothing more than toss it into an old box to collect dust just so you could say you had it. I forgive you for taking my heart out of that box the second time, shining it up, and convincing me you had a place of honor for it when you knew you would never put it on display. I forgive you for smashing it into the ground for good measure and shattering it just to make sure it was never the same for anyone else after you. It took me so long to glue all those pieces back together, but I did. And finally, I forgive you for breaking my heart all over again when I saw that you were struggling. _

_More importantly, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for loving you so unconditionally, so deeply, and so completely even when I knew you would never love me the same. And I forgive myself for still caring and still wanting the best for you even after everything you did to break me. It turns out, you didn’t break me at all._

_“Forget me.” That was the most selfish fucking thing you could ever have said. And I take satisfaction in the fact that I will never give you that. I will never forget the way you deceived me and ripped holes in me that may never fully heal, but I do forgive you. Of your own fault, you are not on my team, you never will be, and I don’t ever want you to be. I will play the game without you and I will win. Still, even though you’re not on my team, I am always cheering for you. I’m so proud of myself for that._

_You are forgiven, the hurt you caused never forgotten. And I wish you the best. Good luck and goodbye._

_\- Ashlyn_

“Fuuuck yeeeesss!” Megan is the first to rush Ashlyn and pull her into a hug so tight that she can’t breathe. “You are fucking amazing! Harry Potter’s giant fucking heart crushes Voldemort into oblivion exactly as it should be! Errrrgh, I fucking love you!” She pulls back and pecks Ashlyn on the lips.

“Uh, thanks. I think.” Ashlyn laughs even as she’s still squeezed into a vice grip for a few more seconds. “Crys, you ok?” She sees Crystal standing there crying her eyes out as soon as Megan steps back.

“Yeah…yeah…” Crystal wipes at her eyes. “Just I feel so close to you right now…I don’t know. Ugh, I’m sorry…I’m happy, I swear! I’m like so happy to know you and happy for you. This is so good!”

Ashlyn opens her arms and hugs Crystal close, realizing that as much as she has been a part of this group for a while now, she’s probably still felt like the outsider until this moment. “Hey, don’t get all sappy on me, minion. I’m so happy to know you too, always have been.” She says meaningfully and feels the woman squeeze her a little tighter and nod in response.

“Whit?” Ashlyn finally checks on her best friend who is still looking down at the letter.

Whitney is deep in thought as she reads it over for the second time, admiring her friend’s words, her strength, her pure goodness. The first thing that strikes her is how she would never have let this happen. If Ashlyn had called her before she did this, she would have made Ashlyn tell her what she was going to do. And then she would have talked her out of this crazy plan that had her not only financially supporting that piece of trash woman, but forgiving her too. She never would have let her go through with it.

But Ashlyn hadn’t call her, she called Ali Krieger. Ali Krieger who had gotten Ashlyn to talk about this issue to start with and guided her on what she needed to do. Ali Krieger who didn’t try to pry a potentially crazy idea out of Ashlyn, but instead blindly supported her in following her gut.

Whitney immediately thinks of a Japanese proverb she once read about people having three faces: one that they show the outside world, a second that they show the closest and most trusted people in their lives, and a third that is their true self. Right now she’s sure that Ali Krieger is the only one who has seen Ashlyn Harris’ third face, and perhaps vice versa. And maybe that should make her feel a little bad or even a little jealous, but it doesn’t in the slightest. In this moment, she’s elated for her best friend and she couldn’t be more thankful for the existence of Ali Krieger.

Whitney drops the letter on the coffee table and walks right over to Ashlyn who is looking at her curiously, maybe even worriedly. “Sloane never deserved you, not even a little. She still doesn’t deserve you, but it doesn’t matter. You are so good, so incredibly good…so much better than the rest of us.” Whitney lightly taps her palm over the middle of Ashlyn’s chest. “I’m happy for you and I love you…and I’m so damn proud of you, so proud.” She hugs her best friend tight, both of them getting a bit teary. She pulls back to find Ashlynn’s eyes after a minute. “You’re free.” It’s a knowing statement, not a question.

Ashlyn smiles widely. “Thanks, Watson. Who knows what else I still have to work on, but yeah…I feel free.” She agrees.

“Praise the Laaawd! She’s free!” Megan yells loudly.

“Frrrrreeeee!” Crystal follows right along before waving her arms to get everyone’s attention. “Hold up! We’re really going YOLO now…” She says with some suspense. “Twizzlers with champagne!”

“Ohhh!” Megan claps excitedly and heads towards Ashlyn’s wine fridge.

“Grab the most expensive one in there!” Whitney calls out to her before looking at Ashlyn and shrugging.

Ashlyn can only belly laugh as the sound of a cork popping fills the air and a ridiculous looking flute of champagne with a Twizzler in it is shoved into her hand. As she clinks her glass with the others, she can only imagine how telling Ali will feel if it feels this good with her friends right now. The thought alone fills her stomach with butterflies in the best way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on what Ashlyn chose to do? How do you think Ali will feel about it?  
Next update coming on Weds as usual!


	20. My Way (Session 8-Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get the update a few hours earlier today since I'm traveling! I split this session up so that the first part focuses on some emotional aspects, while the second part is more physical. So, let's see what Ali thinks of Ash's progress...  
As always, let me know what you're thinking in the comments!

Session 8 (Part 1) – My Way

_How am I this early? _Ali’s watch reads 3:43pm, over 15 minutes early for her session with Ashlyn and here she is at the woman’s building already. She really shouldn’t be surprised given that she practically power-walked here despite trying to make it a leisurely stroll. She always power-walks when she’s feeling anxious or worried and she’s certainly a little of both today.

She hasn’t heard from Ashlyn since that late Saturday night call when the woman was on the opposite coast and supposedly about to do something difficult, crazy, and that required bravery as she described it. She has no idea whether Ashlyn went through with it or not, or even what ‘it’ is. She’s admittedly a little anxious about what the outcome might have been either way and how Ashlyn will be feeling today. Although she can appreciate some spontaneity, going into a session completely blind like this is high on her dislikes list.

There’s a Starbucks on the opposite side of the block and she debates heading over there to kill time, but then decides against it. Not only would the place be busy during this hour of the afternoon, but it’s not like she has time to drink a coffee nor does she want to show up with coffee breath. She could just wait outside, but she didn’t bring her heavier coat and actually got quite cold on the walk over here. She finally opts to head into Ashlyn’s building and spend a few minutes checking out the lavish library lounge in the lobby that she always walks right past.

\----

Crystal stretches her neck a bit while she decides whether to create the next slide for the mid-term presentation in her commercial advertising class or take a little break to refresh now that she’s at a good stopping point. Seeing as how she just yawned, she opts for the latter and quickly makes a plan to take a swim in the pool before getting back to work.

She has always found it fascinating that the building amenities like the pool, gym, café, and common areas are pretty vacant most of the time. The people living here pay good money to have access to these things, but then never use them. Not her, she never had these luxuries growing up, not even close. Living in a place like this, living this life, it was always an impossible dream. And yet, here she is thanks to Ashlyn Harris. No matter how good she has it now and what the future may look like, she has vowed to take advantage and appreciate every minute of this lifestyle…to never forget where she came from and how lucky she is.

Crystal is just closing her laptop screen when someone enters the library and catches her eye. She registers the familiarity of the woman immediately, but it takes a second for her mind to actually place her. _It’s Ali Krieger! _She quickly reopens her laptop and tries to be inconspicuous, looking the clock and then realizing it’s Tuesday. _Of course, boss lady has her appointment today._

There’s only one other person in the library lounge, so Crystal makes sure to appear busy as she carefully watches Ali just in case she looks in her direction. _That really is one good looking woman, no wonder boss lady is so gaga. _Her eyes follow as Ali picks up a few different books and opens the covers of each one for maybe a minute, her eyes darting haphazardly across the first page before she puts it back and checks her watch. _Oh my god, this is so cute. _And just like that, Crystal is completely won over by Ali Krieger in the few minutes the woman aimlessly wanders the library.

Ali looks to be a combination of slightly nervous and genuinely excited as she keeps checking her watch and pretending like she’s reading book plot summaries. She’s even accidentally picked up a dictionary and pretended to read the inside cover just the same as she did with the cheesy romance novel she picked up before that. If Crystal didn’t know who she was, she would assume she was early for an all-important date with someone she was serious about.

Ali’s demeanor reeks of new relationship and something about it touches Crystal, to know that whatever her best friend is feeling for this woman is seemingly returned in some way. It takes everything in her not to strike up even an innocent conversation, knowing it’s not her place to meddle with this whole thing. Still, she wishes she could get to know her, especially because she likes what she’s heard about her so far. Just a few minutes later, those feelings are only cemented when she watches Ali’s face light up as she looks at her watch one more time._ Oh giiiiirl, get it boss lady! _Crystal does her best to stifle a laugh as Ali practically skips over to the security desk.

\------------------------------------

_I missed you too. _Ali smiles to herself as she’s snuggly wrapped in Ashlyn’s arms, pulled into a hug as soon as she stepped off the elevator. She can feel Ashlyn’s nose buried in her hair, breathing deeply as if she’s inhaling her. To be fair, she’s doing the same thing as she nuzzles into the short-haired woman’s neck. She fully relaxes herself into the sweet embrace for the full minute that it goes on, still having no idea how Ashlyn is doing, but content enough now to be patient.

_This is exactly what I needed. _Over the last couple of days, Ashlyn has felt better than she has in years, including the times she thought everything was going well. But as soon as she takes Ali into her arms, it’s like another piece clicks into place and things suddenly seem all that much better. She hums happily into the brunette’s hair as the feeling washes over her, holding onto the moment as long as possible until she realizes Ali is still wearing her coat.

Ashlyn steps back slightly, her large hands gently holding Ali’s face as she takes in the whiskey eyes and vibrant smile that never cease to completely captivate her. “I’m so glad you’re here, beautiful.” The statement that so easily escapes her lips has never been truer than it is right now. Her stomach flops at the way Ali’s eyes suddenly seem to sparkle at her words and she doesn’t wait for a reply, leaning in to kiss the brunette like she might disappear any second.

“Mmmm.” A tiny moan purrs in the back of Ali’s throat at what is easily the most sensually anyone has kissed her before; her hands go to Ashlyn’s lower back and pull her in a bit closer. Kissing this woman is always wonderful, but this one feels extra romantic. Her heart gives one hard thud before everything starts to tingle. _Ash babe, you’re gonna give me a heart arrhythmia. _She’s practically dizzy by the time Ashlyn’s lips move to kiss her cheeks and forehead a few times. She moves her hands to the back of Ashlyn’s neck to keep their foreheads pressed together.

“I’m really glad to be here with you too.” Ali finds herself a bit breathless as she speaks. “Especially after that greeting.” She smiles widely and pecks her lips. “Think you literally took my breath away just now, Stanford. Gonna need a sec.”

“Sorry, not even a little bit sorry, Harvard.” Ashlyn gives her a dimpled grin, and rubs the back of Ali’s shoulders. “You work on breathing and I’ll get your coat.” She winks cockily and unzips Ali’s coat, working it off her arms and turning to hang it up.

“Chivalry will never be dead as long as you’re around.” Ali giggles. “It’s practically extinct in NYC though.”

“Hmph. Is that why I get the stink eye when I hold doors open for guys?” Ashlyn pretends to ponder it.

“Maybe, but I’m gonna say that they just feel threatened by your dashing good looks and killer smile.” Ali laughs.

“Well, well, who’s the charming one now?” Ashlyn gives her a teasing look.

Ali just shrugs with a little smile and walks right over to the living room, plopping herself down on the couch and patting the spot next to her. She barely manages to wait until Ashlyn is comfortably seated beside her. “I’m a very patient person, Ash…but I’m officially ready to burst here. Really dying to know exactly what that was all about when I came in.” She tries to keep it light for now. “Was that a ‘I feel gloriously triumphant and just want to kiss the hell of out you’ or more of a ‘I feel like rotting trash and I need you close’?”

Ashlyn can only chuckle for a second at the brunette’s choice of words. “It’s the first one.” She smiles and reaches to hold Ali’s hand, entwining their fingers. “Try not to look so relieved.” She laughs at the way Ali’s shoulders so dramatically relax at her answer.

“Well you kinda left me on the edge of a cliff Saturday night. Holding on by my fingertips with no safety harness might I add.” Ali shoots her a playful look. “I’m glad you’re ok.” She rubs the top of Ashlyn’s hand with her thumb.

“It actually took everything in me not to call you Sunday morning as soon as I had done the insanely nutty thing that turned out to be the best thing ever.” Ashlyn dives right into it. “I didn’t think the feeling would be so instant, you know? It was like gears started turning as soon as I did it, wasn’t expecting that.”

Ali just nods and stays silent, bringing Ashlyn’s hand to her mouth and kissing it softly to encourage her to continue.

“Anyway, something about the feeling it brought on made me pause right away and think about my friends.” Ashlyn tries to describe it. “They’re my family and they’ve been there for me without fail, whether they knew what was going on or not. And they never pry, never push, they’re just always there. This whole thing seemed almost incomplete without them. I hate secrets, I always have. But I’ve still kept so much of this struggle to myself without even realizing it half the time. So before I told anyone else a single thing, I wanted to put it all out there with them even if they thought I was out of my mind. I owed them that.” She pauses to find Ali’s eyes. “That’s why I didn’t call you right away.”

“I’m so glad you did that. To open yourself up to the people who love you and support you the most is such a positive thing. Could not be happier that you didn’t call me.” Ali praises her sincerely. “I’m guessing it went well?”

“Extremely.” Ashlyn grins. “My friends are just…the best. It was emotional and awesome…kind of cathartic…we drank champagne out of Twizzlers and got smashed. It was epic.” She guffaws at how absurd it sounds.

Ali can’t help but laugh heartily at Ashlyn’s recounting. “That actually sounds fabulous!”

“They did in fact think I was completely nuts for what I did, but really didn’t matter in the end. They know about it, they’re happy for me, they totally love you for getting me to that point, and done.” Ashlyn squeezes Ali’s hand. “And now I just want to tell the one person that I couldn’t wait to tell in the first place.”

“In that case, she’s all ears… and anything else you need her to be.” Ali smiles and scoots in a bit closer, leaning against Ashlyn’s shoulder and pulling their entwined hands into her lap.

“She always is.” Ashlyn gives the brunette’s hand one more meaningful squeeze before starting. She gives her the details about first making the anonymous donation on Sloane’s fundraising page, the amount that was just enough to meet the fundraising goal, before explaining that she sent Sloane a message via Facebook messenger. Just like she did with her friends, she finally hands Ali the letter and lets her read it for herself.

Ali can’t make any words come out of her mouth after reading through the letter once, so she reads it a second time. She’s completely taken by the eloquence of the words, the maturity and resilience required to be able to write them, the rawness of both the vulnerability and the honesty, the power created from all of it as a whole. It’s a masterpiece in so many ways…it’s watching a person grow right before her eyes and it leaves her in awe.

Ali looks up to find hazel orbs watching her carefully, patiently. “You are just…remind me why you need my help again?” Ali finally utters with a little smile.

“Oh please, we both know this letter never would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you.” Ashlyn shoots Ali a playful look, freeing her hand so she can wrap her arm around the brunette’s shoulders. “I may have written it and found the guts to send it, but you’re the head of this operation, Harvard.”

“You always give me way too much credit.” Ali nudges her softly and puts the letter down on the couch. “It’s brilliant. Really. Don’t think I’ve ever read something so brutally honest, and yet, still so kind-hearted and powerful in the best way. The more I get to know you, the more I learn about and feel from you…you blow me away, every time.”

“I don’t give you nearly enough credit.” Ashlyn corrects with a warm smile. “So, what’s the verdict? Am I your craziest client ever?” She motions to the letter.

“Hell no. I actually had a client who got some voodoo priestess to perform an exorcism ritual on her apartment to get rid of her ex-husband’s ‘bad juju’. Really.” Ali shrugs. “You don’t even rank on the crazy list.”

“Good to know. So, if I’m not crazy then…” Ashlyn trails off.

“Bold. Definitely the boldest and bravest client I’ve ever had, most profound for sure, and by far the kindest. I genuinely like everything that makes you who you are, even all those jagged edges that you don’t particularly love. I like those too, especially because you own them as part of yourself. You never hide, at least not from me, and I’ll say it endlessly…I respect and admire you deeply.” Ali sums up all the things that she’s probably already said to Ashlyn before, but that she truly means.

“You’re like an adrenaline shot for my self-worth.” Ashlyn chuckles and pulls Ali just a bit closer. “I’m glad you don’t think I did something dumb.”

“Not at all, but it wouldn’t matter even if I did. The reality is that you did something that very few people would do for someone who treated them the way Sloane treated you. And despite the fact that others might think it questionable, you stayed true to yourself and did what was right for you. That’s all that matters.” Ali feels a sense of pride for the woman even as she says it. “The important question is, how do you feel?”

“Free.” Ashlyn answers simply. “I feel like she’s just a life lesson learned, like the first time I skateboarded without kneepads and skinned my knee…that’s it, and it feels like freedom.”

Ali nods with a smile and reaches up to hold Ashlyn’s hand which is dangling near her bicep from the way the woman has an arm around her. They stay close in that position for a few minutes, just enjoying the comfortable quiet until Ali realizes she should guide them towards something productive for today.

“You’ve had a huge few days to say the least, with a cross-country trip thrown into the mix on top of that. Is there anything in particular you want to delve into more deeply in terms of talking things through? Or maybe talk more about what you are feeling now versus before?” Ali defers to her.

“Actually, I don’t really want to talk about it more at all. I feel like I’m in a really good place with it and I want to enjoy that I guess.” Ashlyn pauses for a second. “Honestly, I want two things right now.”

“Ok, tell me.” Ali turns her body slightly so she’s facing the woman more.

“The sense of freedom thing…it’s a different emotional balance for me, and I feel like I just need to see how that translates. See how far it actually goes, you know?” Ashlyn states more than asks. “And frankly, I just want to be close to you. Maybe more than anything else.”

“Then that’s what we do.” Ali replies easily. “So if I’m reading you right, I take it that we’re headed upstairs?”

“You always read me right.” Ashlyn smirks and gets up off the couch, eagerly pulling Ali by the hand towards the staircase and upstairs.

\-----

“I’m digging your assertiveness, Stanford. But, as you know, we don’t wing this part.” Ali puts her hands on top of Ashlyn’s shoulders once they get up to the bedroom. “So, let’s set some ground rules.”

“Not the free-for-all I was hoping for, but I know you have my best interest at heart.” Ashlyn pretend pouts.

“I do.” Ali strokes her cheek lightly. “We don’t get anywhere good by rushing this. We stay the course. Just gonna have to trust me on that.”

“I hear you, Harvard.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “Hit me with the ground rules.”

“Ok, so based on how you’re feeling now and where we were last time, I’m comfortable with trying the next step with you.” Ali says earnestly. “That means no rules on clothing today, so whatever happens on that front goes. And this next step opens up the general flexibility quite a bit. There’s only one hardline ground rule to follow…no penetration at all. Thoughts?”

“I can so work with that.” Ashlyn blurts out enthusiastically before it really hits her and a tiny bit of disappointment settles in.

“What is it?” Ali immediately sees the little look cross Ashlyn’s face.

“Any chance I could push to amend one thing?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

“Maybe. Depends what it is.” Ali stays noncommittal.

“I can kind of agree to the no penetration thing, but maybe we could remove tongue from that restriction?” Ashlyn asks a bit coyly. “It’s just, I got pretty comfortable with that before and it’s not a big push for me at all. I just think maybe doing that will help me gauge how I’m really feeling. Something like that."

Ali thinks it over for a few seconds, understanding where the woman is coming from and knowing that it really isn’t a huge step forward since she was comfortably doing this with her former partner. If Ashlyn is at ease enough to try it, she doesn’t see why they can’t. Still, she intends to stay on the cautious route.

“Ok Ash, I’m open to that if you feel completely comfortable. But, I have two conditions.” Ali says thoughtfully.

“Anything...name em’.” Ashlyn replies almost giddily.

“First, you agree to be very vocal with me about what you’re feeling, make sure you listen to yourself, and don’t push at all beyond complete and total comfort. We stop at any hesitation, discomfort or uncertainty, ok?” Ali lays out the limits.

“I agree to that.” Ashlyn holds up her fingers in a scout’s honor. “And second?”

“If we get to the point you’re hoping for, then we do it my way.” Ali asserts.

“What’s your way?” Ashlyn asks curiously even though she totally agrees without knowing.

“We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it, Stanford.” Ali smiles.

“Deal.” Ashlyn smiles back and leans in to kiss the brunette softly. “I’m just thankful that you let me file an amendment.”

“You can thank that irresistible dimple of yours.” Ali plays back before getting serious. “Slow, ok?”

“Promise, sweetheart. I’ll never rush a single second with you.” Ashlyn replies sweetly in the brunette’s ear.

_And here we go._ For as playful as these pet names have been between them, Ali has to admit that she really likes the way this one rolls off the woman’s tongue in a signature drawl when it’s directed at her, the heat in her cheeks already working its way down towards the top of her chest. She just barely presses her lips to the skin below Ashlyn’s ear, leaving two feather light pecks there.

At that, Ashlyn pulls back and smiles at her before walking over to the record player and turning on their music. Ali notices for the first time since they got upstairs that the blinds are already mostly drawn to give them some privacy, the lighting already adjusted to give the space a comfortable ambiance. _I’m loving your confidence today, Ash._

Ali is barely finished taking in the room, only the second time she’s been up here now, when she feels Ashlyn behind her gently sweeping her long hair to the left. Strong arms snuggly wrap around her waist and soft lips kiss along the back of her neck, her body breaks out into goosebumps and shifts right into overdrive.

“Right in for that go button, huh?” Ali asks in amusement, knowing damn well that Ashlyn knows this is her weak spot. She feels the woman smile against her skin and leave a few more kisses.

“I feel so close to you, Alex.” Ashlyn whispers even as her mouth trails along the base of Ali’s neck. “And still, not nearly close enough.”

Not sure how to respond to the strong sentiment that she identifies with herself, Ali is glad that the two of them communicate so well by touch. She reaches back with both hands to grip Ashlyn’s lower back and pull her in closer, turning her head with closed eyes to kiss along the woman’s defined jaw line. She knows she got her message across when she feels Ashlyn smile into her skin again.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses on what Ali's way is? ;-)
> 
> As mentioned before, I'm traveling for work this week. So, depending on my wifi access and flight schedule...the next update will come some time between late Saturday and mid-day Monday. I'll do my best to get it posted as soon as I can!


	21. Queen (Session 8-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday and early update to you! Of course, that does mean you'll have to wait longer for the next one because it won't be until the next usual posting day (Weds)...so, read slow. Time to really find out just how good Ash is feeling and how Ali navigates it ;-) Where we go next, nobody knows! (well I do actually)  
Keep those comments coming, I love to hear your thoughts!

Session 8 (Part 2) – Queen

_“Right in for that go button, huh?” Ali asks in amusement, knowing damn well that Ashlyn knows this is her weak spot. She feels the woman smile against her skin and leave a few more kisses._

_“I feel so close to you, Alex.” Ashlyn whispers even as her mouth trails along the base of Ali’s neck. “And still, not nearly close enough.”_

_Not sure how to respond to the strong sentiment that she identifies with herself, Ali is glad that the two of them communicate so well by touch. She reaches back with both hands to grip Ashlyn’s lower back and pull her in closer, turning her head with closed eyes to kiss along the woman’s defined jaw line. She knows she got her message across when she feels Ashlyn smile into her skin again._

_Continuation…_

“Ok you… gonna need to even things up a bit.” Ali mutters against Ashlyn’s lips, her nipples hard as they brush against the short-haired woman’s soft white t-shirt. She’s now let Ashlyn work her up for at least ten minutes with heated kisses and light touches across her body, every piece of her clothing finding its way to the floor as they stand there in the middle of the bedroom. Her hands have certainly wandered under Ashlyn’s t-shirt, but that’s as far as she’s managed to get with the woman still fully clothed.

“Well, you said rain check on me taking off your clothes last time. Just making sure I get my due.” Ashlyn’s eyes rake down Ali’s body. “I will never get over how beautiful you are…positively divine.” She kisses the corner of her mouth sweetly.

“You got more than your due.” Ali quickly captures Ashlyn’s lips for a longer kiss. “Not that I’m really complaining, but I think you’re forgetting my turn-ons.”

“Naked. Alex likes naked.” Ashlyn snickers and runs her palms down the brunette’s sculpted arms.

“No. Alex LOVES naked.” Ali corrects and watches Ashlyn step back just enough to pull her t-shirt and sports bra over her head in one fluid motion. She reaches out with one hand to run her fingers down the woman’s abs as they are revealed. “And in this case, Alex really, really loves naked.”

“Working on it, baby.” Ashlyn replies with a playful smirk before quickly working her pants and boxers down her legs. “Better?” Her hands go to the brunette’s hips and pull her flush against her chest.

“Way better, gorgeous.” Ali’s hands run up the length of Ashlyn’s back and into the short hair on the back of her head.

“Good, cause I need you in my bed and under my body.” Ashlyn demands softly.

Ali chooses to just kiss her deeply and start slowly backing up towards the bed, feeling Ashlyn catch on quickly and lead them there. _That a girl, so sexy. _She couldn’t be more thrilled with the way Ashlyn has taken control so far, how she’s been forward and vocal. The woman’s burst of confidence is a real turn on, but more than that, she knows that if things are going to go smoothly today, Ashlyn needs to be properly worked up and ready. Given how Ashlyn once said she feels most turned on when pleasuring someone else, the best way forward right now is to let her completely take over. And just like last time, it also gives Ali the best opportunity to feel any changes in the woman’s mood when the control dynamic shifts between them.

“Mmmm, that’s so good.” Ali lets out a low moan as Ashlyn gently presses her into bed and immediately sucks her nipple into her mouth. She works harder to be more vocal this time and set the bar high for both of them today. “Your comforter though.” She warns, already feeling the plentiful moisture along her own inner thighs.

“Don’t care…have four of the same.” Ashlyn lifts her mouth away just enough to reply before swirling her tongue over the brunette’s stiff nipple.

“Mmmkay…fuck, babe.” Ali’s legs spread wider and her hips buck upwards when Ashlyn’s thigh settles in against her folds.

“You’re so wet, so hot.” Ashlyn husks into the brunette’s ear at the feel of wetness on her thigh, pressing it further into Ali’s center and earning another breathy moan.

“For you…you do that to me.” Ali purrs back and gently takes an earlobe between her lips, her hands dropping to the woman’s ass and pulling her in further as she purposely keeps up the heated words. “Everything is burning for you.”

Ashlyn feels a gush between her own legs at Ali’s lower octave voice in her ear, the way the brunette holds her so tight against her body. “I can’t get enough of you…your body. You’re perfect sweetheart, so fucking perfect.” She slowly grinds her hips as her mouth drags down Ali’s neck and across her collarbones, relishing in the way the brunette’s strong thighs clench around her own to hold her in place.

Ali loses herself further and further as Ashlyn’s body moves against her, the woman’s lips on every inch of skin within reach. “Feels so fucking good.” She moans out just before her mind goes hazy at Ashlyn’s hand trailing across her hipbone and then lower, the woman rolling off to her side a bit. “God...yes.” She intakes a sharp breath when fingers slide through her slit and find her clit with a feather-light touch.

“So warm.” Ashlyn mumbles, her mouth moving across the brunette’s collarbones.

“Mmmm, little harder.” Ali directs, her sensitive clit desperate for more friction. She squirms slightly when Ashlyn doesn’t comply. The warning bulbs go off just seconds later when the woman’s fingers slip down and settle just barely below her entrance. _Fuck, keep going._ Everything in her brain tells her she needs to stop this right here, but her body wants the complete opposite. The internal debate delays her response and then there’s a deliciously gentle pressure that signals the ground rules are about to get majorly broken.

_Nuh uh, beautiful. What happened to those ground rules of yours? _Ashlyn can only smile to herself at the way Ali’s body is reacting to her, pushing firmly against her hand and slightly wiggling now. One tiny movement and her fingers would be easily enveloped by hot silky walls that she can’t wait to trace and press against, but not today.

“Ash…what are you…” Ali starts to question before all she can get out is another breathy moan. Ashlyn’s large hand is cupping her entire mound, fingertips pressed just into the skin just beneath her entrance, palm against her folds and clit, thumb applying perfect pressure really low on her belly. _Her hands are so big, that feels amazing. _Ashlyn doesn’t break the rules at all, just keeping her hand in that position against Ali’s core while moving it methodically in an almost wave-like pattern. Ali feels a deep tingly ache, climbing so fast and furious towards release that it surprises her. “Fuck…yes…keep doing that… I’m right there.” Her eyelids drop shut, her head tilts back, her grip on Ashlyn’s hip tightens and… nothing.

“I know you are, sweetheart.” Ashlyn whispers into the brunette’s ear and pulls her hand away to a loud whine of protest. “But not yet.” She leaves a few kisses along the crook of Ali’s neck before finding her darkened whiskey eyes. “Soon. God you’re beautiful.” She kisses her slow and deep, stopping everything from boiling over and taking it back down to a steamy simmer.

_Jesus fucking Christ what is she doing to me? _Ali melts into the sweet kiss, her body eventually coming down from the edge it was just teetering on. While she told Ashlyn that her biggest turn on was someone who knew when and how to push her buttons, the plain truth is that she’s rarely experienced it. A couple of times on a particularly spicy night with some of the women she’s dated, but never quite this level…and certainly never with a client.

The vast majority of Ali’s clients have been straight, married women who just felt more comfortable tackling sex issues with another woman. And while some have been lesbians or curious and a bit bolder than others, she’s not used to being confidently worked and touched like this in her surrogacy experiences. In most cases, she’s taught her clients more than they ever knew about their own anatomy. But as a warm tongue tantalizing duels with her own, it’s clear she won’t be teaching Ashlyn Harris much of anything at all.

_Touch me forever. _Ashlyn can’t get enough of the Ali’s hands, their heat against her skin as they wander and explore her torso so freely, tenderly. She breaks the kiss to find those whiskey eyes. “I love how you feel on me…your hands…don’t ever take them off of me.” She implores the brunette with a soft intensity.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Ali promises in return, and continues the kiss. She purposely fans out her fingers so they can cover more of Ashlyn’s skin and immediately feels the kiss get more passionate.

“You ready, baby?” Ashlyn abruptly pulls away just to keep Ali guessing.

“Oh I was more than ready, but someone didn’t seal the deal.” Ali finds her sass and pretends to yawn as a way to counter the woman’s devilish smirk.

“You are so going to regret that, Ms. Krieger.” Ashlyn peppers kisses along the brunette’s jaw and leaves a lingering one on her lips.

“I sure hope so, Ms. Harris.” Ali runs her hand up the back of Ashlyn’s neck.

“Count on it.” Ashlyn doesn’t waste any more time, her mouth eagerly back on Ali’s, her fingers gently pinching the brunette’s nipples until she knows she’s left her winded. Only then does she let her mouth forge a path of worship down the toned body underneath her. She purposely takes her time until she feels the brunette squirming again, taking only one final pause to swirl her tongue over the Harvard shield inked into Ali’s hipbone. “Stanford of the East.” She playfully mutters against Ali’s skin just loud enough to be sure she was heard.

“Psssh, Stanford is the Harvard of the…” The rest of Ali’s usual retort gets lost a pleasured squeal as Ashlyn’s tongue suddenly takes a broad swipe through her folds. “Yeees…Ash…oh god.” She tries hard not to be too loud, but it’s futile when Ashlyn is suddenly feasting on her like she’s the most expensive meal at a five-star restaurant.

_Right here, I’ll happily die right fucking here. _Ashlyn is lost the brunette’s smell, the way she tastes, the way she moves her hips, that sexy breathless moaning, and the way her wetness coats her cheeks…it’s intoxicating in every way. She briefly pulls her mouth away to complete the glorious assault on her senses, giving herself a few seconds to take in the glistening perfection in front of her. _Flawless goddess. _And just like that, it’s her favorite spot in the world.

_No, no, come on, please. _“Don’t you dare stop…please don’t.” Ali begs raggedly at the loss of contact, feeling like she might lose her mind if Ashlyn slows things down again. Her grip on the top of the woman’s shoulders tightens to get her point across.

“I’ve got you, baby.” Ashlyn stops her staring and goes right back to it, spreading Ali’s legs just a little wider with her hands. “You taste so good, fucking amazing.” She husks into the brunette’s center.

“Unnnh, yes… that’s so damn good. Fuck Ash, keep talking.” Ali’s body throbs at the way Ashlyn’s voice just vibrated through her crotch. She can’t make out a word of what Ashlyn is saying as the woman keeps it up, but the added sensation combined with the way she’s alternating between licking patterns on her clit and sucking it perfectly between those full lips has Ali right at the edge again. “Ash… babe, just like that…oh…my…god.” She struggles to hold on just a bit longer, wanting every second she can get before she lets go.

_You’re incredible like this. So gorgeous, all for me._ Ashlyn’s eyes can’t peel themselves away from the way Ali’s face is contorted in pleasure, her eyes shut, her mouth parted as she breathes heavily. She finds herself once again trying to imprint this vision into her brain, content with just this one wonderful moment even if she never gets another one like it again.

Ashlyn can feel the slight quivering in the brunette’s body and slows down to soft licking, wanting to prolong this just a bit more. It’s a true predicament…on one hand, she wants to watch Ali writhe in pleasure like this forever…on the other, she can’t wait to watch her fall apart in the throes of orgasm. But as soon as she slides her tongue down to lap up the wetness pooled at Ali’s entrance, the debate on what she wants to do is over.

Ashlyn lifts her head up and opens her mouth to ask permission, but Ali silently answers the question before she can even get a word out. The brunette’s hands go right to the back of her head and pull her face in tight. It’s the only signal she needs to just go for it, gently plunging her tongue into the wet heat that awaits her and swirling it as deeply as she can.

_Hold on, come on, just a little longer. Fuck. _Ashlyn’s tongue has been inside her for not even thirty seconds and Ali is already coming undone. Not that it was really in question, but it’s official… nobody has ever eaten her out as well as this woman. Her thighs are clenched tight, trying desperately to hang on so she can enjoy it as long as possible. Ashlyn is moaning just as loudly as she is and it’s driving her wild, her body already starting to tremble, her stomach muscles tightening. “Ash, don’t stop…don’t…your mouth feels, mmmfuck.” Her words are all jumbled and she reaches to entwine one of their hands as a way to anchor herself, the other staying buried in Ashlyn’s hair.

_Fuck, Alex…look at you, baby. _Ashlyn wishes she could slow this down again, so turned on by the way the brunette’s entrance is tightened around her tongue and almost pulling it in, delicious wetness starting to run down her chin a bit. But there’s no slowing down now, she promised she wouldn’t. She presses her face in even closer and puts deeper pressure against those smooth walls. Her heart pounds at the way Ali holds her hand, the gesture making this feel all that more intimate.

Ali can’t hold it off any longer, what she already knows without a doubt is going to be her most powerful orgasm to date. Sure, Ashlyn is amazingly talented with her mouth and the way she reads her body, but it’s more than that. She’s had some really great sex, some incredible orgasms, but none of them had this. Not a single one had this much emotion behind them…not a single one came with this feeling of pure love._ Love. I really love her. _Her eyes fight to open as the honest thought runs through her mind. She finds darkened and passionate hazel gazing back from between her legs and it’s over. Everything spasms, her ears ring, and she can’t intake air fast enough as her hands try to hold on to as much of Ashlyn as possible.

\----

“That's it, baby...so perfect.” Ashlyn licks her softly a few more times and then quickly crawls up the brunette’s body, holding her close to her chest. She’s immediately hooked on the way Ali hugs her so tight while her body still shakes slightly. She moves her hand back down between Ali’s legs and drags her knuckles up and down the brunette’s folds with a feather light touch to fully bring her down.

As soon as Ali manages to catch her breath a bit, all she wants to do is lose it again, leaning in to kiss Ashlyn deeply until her lungs burn once more. If she thought kissing this woman was amazing before, the taste of herself on Ashlyn’s lips turns it up a million notches. “Oh my god… that was…unbelievably good.” She eventually mumbles a few insufficient words, hands now running up and down Ashlyn’s strong back as she relaxes into the soothing touch on her still sensitive center.

“Yeah? Really?” Ashlyn questions happily, knowing that if she’s ever had stiff competition for good sex, it’s with this woman who has had a whole lot of it to compare to, especially since she makes it her career.

“Really.” Ali smiles and holds Ashlyn’s cheek softly. “Really, really. That was incredible. Amazing. Fantastic. Insert endless superlatives that won’t do it justice. Wow, Stanford. Just mmmm. And that feels so fucking wonderful right now…” Her eyes drift down to Ashlyn’s hand still softly stroking between her legs.

The heat rises into Ashlyn’s face before she can stop it, completely thrilled that Ali’s thoughts match the way her body responded.

“Are you gonna get all bashful on me now?” Ali teases at Ashlyn’s obvious blush.

“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world and I just made you come really damn hard…let me have my moment, Harvard.” Ashlyn grins goofily at the little laugh the brunette lets out, swallowing thickly when Ali’s stare suddenly gets fiery again and the brunette rolls on top of her.

“Oh I’m gonna let you have a moment alright.” Ali whispers hotly and kisses her hungrily. She wants to catch Ashlyn off-guard, wants to rush her a bit in an effort to completely turn the tables before the woman can think on it. She goes in with without warning, leaving open-mouthed kisses and little nibbles all over Ashlyn’s neck and upper chest. _Oh, you like that. _The woman is already breathing heavily in between low moans, her hands firmly holding the back of Ali’s shoulders. _God, you smell good._

“Alex, I want you so damn bad.” Ashlyn groans out in an effort to communicate her level of need. She’s more worked up than she realized and this really isn’t going to take long at all. Her mind is too foggy to even know where she should direct the brunette. Her nipples are rock hard as they rub against Ali’s chest, her center hot and wanting, her skin electric. It’s not a matter of where she wants to be touched, just how fast Ali can touch it all before she explodes.

Ali moves quickly again, sucking Ashlyn’s nipple into her mouth while her fingers pull at the other one. The woman’s body arches up into her and she knows that if she’s going to feel the shift in Ashlyn’s mood that she felt last time, it’ll be soon. She keeps her free hand running all over Ashlyn’s torso to create as much contact as possible while she works on her chest. Ashlyn is squirming underneath her, moaning loudly, and still… no shift in mood. The woman seems to be both fully focused on her and completely lost in the moment_. You really are feeling good, aren’t you gorgeous? Just stay with me, I’ve got you, we’ll get there._ She thinks that she might slow it down a bit now, but Ashlyn’s hand is already grabbing her own and directing it down her body.

“Alex…please.” Ashlyn begs shamelessly, trying to get Ali’s hand to where she needs it most.

Ali immediately gives the woman what she wants, glad she’s being so assertive. _Jesus, Ash…so hot. _Ashlyn didn’t mince words when she said pleasuring someone else was at the top of her turn-ons list, but she absolutely wasn’t kidding. The woman is soaked, literally dripping all over as Ali lightly explores her folds, not applying any pressure as she waits to see how Ashlyn reacts. _Clearly lubrication is not gonna be a problem._

“Talk to me.” Ali request through Ashlyn’s soft grunts and breathy gasping noises.

“Just keep touching me. You feel so good… so fucking good, baby. Want to feel you… more.” Ashlyn does her best to answer, hands holding Ali’s hips close. “Oh holy shit! That’s so fucking...mmmmm!” She yells out as Ali’s finger finds her clit and puts some pressure on it.

“That’s it, sexy. Help me out.” Ali breathes into Ashlyn’s ear, encouraging the woman to keep gyrating her hips into her hand.

_Not yet, not yet, please not yet._ Ashlyn wills her body to calm down because she’s not ready to give up the feeling of Ali between her legs. She’s completely turned on at how much she wants to feel the brunette’s fingers buried deep inside her, but even more turned on in knowing that it’s not going to happen. She can be completely open and vulnerable, let her body unabashedly show Ali Krieger just how much it wants her, and yet, she can trust that the brunette won’t misread her body language and take it further than what she knows deep down is comfortable for herself right now. “Alex, you’re everything…fuck, you’re everything.”

Ali smiles at the simultaneously heated and sentimental words, kissing Ashlyn passionately while applying enough added pressure to the woman’s swollen bundle of nerves to earn a desperate whimper exhaled into her mouth. “Can’t get enough of you.” Ali mutters as she pulls back to let Ashlyn breathe and kisses across the sweaty hollow of her throat. She can feel the quiver in Ashlyn body, the ever growing slickness on her fingers that signals the impending climax. Still, no shift in mood, everything smooth. _This is good. Really, really good_. “Doing amazing, Ash. Stay with me.”

“Al, I’m about to…but I want you. I want you to…need you to…” Ashlyn fights to pull herself together. _Chill the fuck out. Please let me have this, for the love of god, please. _Her mind tries to mentally talk down her own libido. There’s no way Ali is going to let things go multiple rounds this first time, so she needs this one to count, she needs it.

“Hey, you. You ok?” Ali smiles at the shortening of her name and moves her hand out from between Ashlyn’s legs, slowly trailing it up her abs to try and bring down the frenzy a bit. She gets a nod from Ashlyn before the woman kisses her so softly. “I know you’re close, beautiful. I can feel you. Tell me what you want, babe. It’s yours, just tell me.”

“Need your mouth on me. Alex.” Ashlyn finds those whiskey eyes she loves. “You feel like… just perfect. I want everything you can give me right now. Your mouth, please hurry.” Her voice squeaks even though she’s trying not to sound desperate.

“It’s yours.” Ali repeats and steals a quick kiss as she feels Ashlyn breathe a tiny sigh of relief. “But…my way, remember?”

“Ok, what’s your way?” Ashlyn whispers inquisitively and just hopes whatever it is happens fast.

“This is a significant step. I want you in full control of it, ok?” Ali replies with warm sincerity. “You can trust me to slow or stop any time, to be safe and gentle with you. You’re in total control. You’re what matters, your comfort, your security, nothing else. You can trust me.”

“I trust you with my life, you know that.” Ashlyn says with easy candor. It seems over-the-top, but it’s true. “But I still don’t know what we’re talking about here, just tell me.” She adds a bit impatiently.

“I’m putting you in full control. Which makes you the queen.” Ali smiles sweetly and keeps a hand moving along the colorful ink on Ashlyn’s side.

“Queen?” Ashlyn looks at her in confusion.

“Mhmm.” Ali rolls onto her back and scoots down a bit on the bed. “Your throne awaits, Queen Stanford.” She points to her mouth.

_Oh. Oh shit._ It’s not like Ashlyn hasn’t sat on someone’s face before, but it has been quite a while and certainly never the first time she’s having sex with the person. It definitely takes her by surprise, not just in the request itself, but in the way that she doesn’t feel as hesitant as she would expect herself to be. All she can see in front of her are adoring whiskey eyes, a mirthful smile that makes her world spin…the most beautiful woman she’s ever laid eyes on asking to be with her such an intimate way. She’s never been so ready to take a leap of faith like she is right now.

“It’s ok, we don’t have to go there today.” Ali says gently at the somewhat shell-shocked look on Ashlyn’s face, trying to figure out the serene expression that’s paired with it.

“No!” Ashlyn blurts out louder than she was expecting to and feels the brunette jump slightly at the outburst. “Sorry…uh…not what I…ugh, re-do.” She groans and then can’t help but start to laugh at herself, watching Ali break out into a little laugh too. And that is what is so damn right about this, the way she can go from serious and deeply personal to flat out laughing with Ali. It all feels so comfortable and familiar, so easy. “What I meant is…” She holds the brunette’s face. “I want this with you. I want you in every way. No matter how long that takes me. Got it?” She kisses her softly to underscore the point.

“Got it. And you’ve got me.” Ali smiles and pecks Ashlyn’s lips. “And I’ve got you. Just remember to talk to me.”

“Promise.” Ashlyn nods with another goofy grin on her face. Her body feels calmer now and less frantic, like it’s really ready. The smooth vibe of Janet Jackson from the record player sets the perfect tone right now and she goes in for a deeply romantic kiss that steadily stokes the fire again. She lost in it before she knows it, caught up so easily in Ali like always with no motivation to pull her mouth away.

_I’ll never be able to express how much I truly love to kiss you. _Ali reluctantly breaks the kiss when both their breathing has gotten heavy and hands are wandering again. She pulls back just barely enough to find Ashlyn’s eyes “Take your time…just remember your throne is still here, queen.” Ali smiles at her.

“Queen is more than ready to ascend her throne.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Don’t think that the ‘ready’ part was ever in question.” Ali motions to her thigh which is now once again slick with Ashlyn’s wetness.

“Definitely wasn’t.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a smile and kisses the brunette again. “You drive me crazy, Harvard. In the best way.”

“Back at you, the very best way.” Ali’s hands go to the back of Ashlyn’s neck and tug her down into tongue-dueling kiss that quickly changes the pace from a slow smolder to an inferno. She doesn’t even get to the point of losing her breath this time before Ashlyn is climbing up her body. _You are the most magnificent sight. _She has mere seconds to enjoy the up close view of perfect soaking wet creases before it’s all out of focus and enveloping her face with the sexiest little squish she’s ever heard. “Mmmm.” She moans right into Ashlyn’s sweetness, already addicted like she is to the woman’s mouth.

“Oh god…fuck, fuck…Alex, oh fuck!” Ashlyn can’t seem to get out anything but vulgarity as Ali’s mouth works between her legs. One hand immediately goes to the headboard to steady herself, the other scrambles to find something to hold onto as the pleasure ripples through her body. _Gonna die. Don’t care. Please don’t ever stop. Fuck, this is…oh my fucking god. _Her brain can’t form a single full thought and she tries hard to relax into it before she gets worked up way too fast and it’s over too soon.

Ali moves her tongue really slowly to give Ashlyn time to get used to it, just exploring every inch without lingering too long in any particular spot. Still, the woman is already shaking again and holding onto the headboard for dear life. Ali reaches for Ashlyn’s free hand that is almost flailing around aimlessly and entwines it with her own. She gives it a reassuring squeeze and feels a little tension leave Ashlyn’s thigh muscles. _There you go, beautiful. Slow and easy, just like that. _

“You ok?” After a couple minutes Ali pulls her mouth away just enough to ask and hears a low whine before Ashlyn’s eyes open enough to look down at her.

“I’m amazing, so fucking amazing.” Ashlyn assures her through long heavy breaths, squeezing Ali’s hand back. “You feel incredible…please keep going. Please.”

“I’ve got you.” Ali softly kisses her center. “Breathe Ash, talk to me…slow, babe. Slow.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn briefly drops her hand from the headboard to stroke through Ali’s hair, enamored and incredibly turned on by the brunette’s passionate eyes looking up at her from between her legs. “So beautiful, baby. Need you.”

Ali goes back in more purposefully now, translating the music playing in the room into the way she moves her mouth. She lets herself completely drift away in Ashlyn’s body movement, in her pleasured sounds. It’s not hard to do, the woman tastes amazing and the way her body reacts to her touch is simultaneously sweet and sexy. _I could live right here. _She tries not to so much as blink so she doesn’t miss a second of the sexy view above her.

The song is more than half over by the time Ashlyn realizes that not only that _212_ is playing, but that Ali has been licking, tapping, and sucking on her clit to the intense beat of the song this whole time. It feels like an all-encompassing out-of-body experience, her hips involuntarily grinding down on Ali’s face to get more friction. She knows Ali wants her to be vocal about she wants, but the brunette is giving her exactly what she wants without her providing any direction. She lets out a few more expletives and begging words among a plethora of loud moans in hopes that it signals Ali to just keep going.

“Alex…I’m so close, baby…oh my god!” Ashlyn is approaching the edge really fast now, knowing she’s about to free fall over the edge even though she’s not nearly ready. And then the music changes. A slower, more soulful rhythm fills the room and Ali suddenly slows too. The brunette’s tongue goes back to a soft and gentle exploration of her folds, staying away from her now hard and swollen clit that was pushing her right to apex.

“Mmmm, that’s so fucking good.” Ashlyn feels herself come down just a bit from the frenzy, enough to realize just how much pressure she’s putting on Ali’s face as her hips gyrate. _Fuck, can she even breathe? _Her hips start to lift up at the panicked thought, but Ali’s arms immediately curl around her thighs and hold her in place. Her muscles relax slightly and she registers Ali’s tongue just sitting still on her sensitive opening. “Yes, mmmgod yes…move it right there.” One hand grips the headboard tightly again while the other finds purchase in long sable hair.

_Doing so good, Ash. Stay with me. _Ali gently swirls her tongue in small circles over the copiously wet hole, feeling it go from clenched to increasingly open with every pass. She can feel her own center leaking again and squeezes her thighs together so she can focus on her task.

“Alex…” Ashlyn forces her eyes open and lock onto the whiskey orbs still lovingly looking up at her. “Inside… want you inside.” Her words are clear and direct as she reaches to entwine her hand with Ali’s again, holding it firmly.

_“You’re so beautiful and I’ll take care of you. _Ali lets out a soft moan and runs her thumb along Ashlyn’s hand as she returns the woman’s tight grip. She swirls her tongue over her entrance a couple more times before easily sliding in and feeling her stomach practically convulse at the deep vibrating moan of pleasure elicited from Ashlyn that pulses through her own body.

_Forever. My god, I want this forever. _Ali feels so good inside her that the emotions are almost overwhelming, Ashlyn’s mind and heart having no idea which exact feeling to settle on other than knowing this is the most amazing sensation in the world. “Alex.” It’s the only thing Ashlyn manages to speak, the rest lost in ragged whimpers and breathless moans. Ali’s tongue alternates from slow and deep to quick and shallow, the movement once again dictated by the music filling the room.

It’s only about a minute before the already spinning room goes black, and everything spasms as wave after wave of pleasure roll through Ashlyn’s body. Her forehead falls against her white-knuckled hand on the headboard, her muscles seize up tight as her hips move faster against Ali’s face, her right hand holding the brunette’s hand like a vice. She can barely breathe, but there’s peace in the intensity. Ali is sweetly stroking her lower back as the brunette licks her so lightly to bring her down. _You’re truly perfect and I love you. My whole body loves you. _Ashlyn can feel her own smile against her arm at the thought, her chest still heaving.

“Easy, Ash.” Ali finally manages to speak when Ashlyn’s hips relax and sit back on her chest a bit. _Fuck that’s hot. _Her cheeks, chin, and upper chest are all soaked and she feels really turned on by it, loving the way this woman is literally all over her. “You’re gorgeous, babe. You’re amazing…come here.” She tugs Ashlyn’s hips down slightly.

Ashlyn takes a couple more breaths of air before her spent body manages to find enough strength to move, bonelessly sliding down Ali’s body like a slug, wet trail and all. She uses the last ounce of energy she has left to wrap her arms around the brunette and hold her close.

“I’m here, Ash. You ok? How do you feel?” Ali asks softly, kissing around Ashlyn’s ear as best she can in the tight hug.

“I feel magnificent. Peaceful, and so incredibly good…and…” _so deeply in love with you. _Ashlyn is glad she manages to stop herself from saying it out loud and quickly keeps going “happy… and so fucking spent.” She lets out a soft chuckle and hears the sweet melodic laugh that she can’t get enough of. “Also, fucking _Blackhole Sun_?! Of course.” She laughs loudly at the song that was playing when she just had the best orgasm of her life.

“You’re adorable. And I told you to trust me on the _Blackhole Sun_ thing! Now you know.” Ali pulls back still laughing and winks at her, taken by surprise at how shiny and light green Ashlyn’s eyes are right now. _Wow, those eyes. _“I’m happy it felt good. You did so great.”

“Felt good?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow. “Al…it was best ever.” She puts it plainly.

“There you go again, Ms. Over-the-Top.” Ali lightly pinches her side with a playful smile.

“You wanted the truth. So live with it, sweetheart.” Ashlyn gives her a lop-sided grin.

_That little drawl, my heart. _Ali feels everything inside flutter again at the way that diminutive comes out of Ashlyn’s mouth. She captures the woman’s lips in a slow kiss, a wonderful ache deep in her chest at not just the depth of emotion she’s putting into it, but also just how much she’s feeling back from Ashlyn. They exchange soft romantic kisses for a while before her body signals it has other needs. She lets out a satisfied little moan and finally pulls away. “So, really important…”

“What’s the matter?” Ashlyn’s brow furrows in concern at the way Ali suddenly stopped kissing her and looks a little serious.

“Really gotta pee.” Ali breaks out into a smile.

“Funny, Harvard.” Ashlyn pokes the brunette’s side a couple times to make her squirm.

“Not funny at all, and you’re gonna make me pee right here if you don’t stop that!” Ali giggles.

“Help yourself.” Ashlyn snickers and lets go of her, pointing towards the bathroom. A massive grin overtakes her face just a few moments later when she can hear Ali peeing, making it clear that the brunette didn’t bother to slide the bathroom door closed. All she would have to do is crane her head slightly over the side of the bed to have a full view of the toilet, which Ali obviously knows. She doesn’t move a muscle of course, but the whole thing highlights a sense of comfort between them that somehow brings everything that happened today full circle.

Ali takes time to wash her hands, wiping her face to freshen up a bit, and pulling her hair into a messy bun like she probably should have before they started today. She walks back into the bedroom to find Ashlyn still sprawled out on the bed the way she left her and smiles at the sight. _You are such a beautiful human in every way._

Ashlyn watches Ali stand there looking at her for a second and starts to wonder if the brunette is about to go in search of her clothes. Her heart drops a bit at the thought, but it lifts just an instant later when Ali crawls right back in next to her, grabbing the blanket on the bench at the end of the bed and pulling it over them. Ashlyn can only smile like a fool as the woman kisses her softly and nuzzles right into the crook of her neck, putting an arm across her torso and a leg over her thighs. _Don’t ever let me go._

They lay in silence for quite a while, bodies flush together, not a single word needing to be spoken as the very last bit of sun fades and the room grows darker.

“I could do this all night.” Ashlyn eventually whispers and kisses Ali’s forehead. “Don’t wanna move.”

“Me too.” Ali admits in return and holds Ashlyn’s middle a little tighter, enjoying the feel of the woman’s long fingers absentmindedly tracing the ink on her side. “But we can’t.” She lets out a sigh.

“I know.” Ashlyn assures her that she understands. “But one can wish.”

“Absolutely.” Ali agrees with a smile into Ashlyn’s neck. “Ten more minutes.” She announces with finality even though she already knows she has no intentions of going anywhere for at least another half an hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Ali's approach and Ash's progress?  
We'll be back on the normal update schedule, so next one will be posted on Weds night!


	22. Our Space (Session 9)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever wonder how these two might deal with a little bump in the road? Time to find out!  
I'm always excited to read your comments, so don't hold back :-)

Session 9 – Our Space

“It’s great to see you, Ashlyn. I was starting to miss you around here.” Nancy smiles.

“Awww, miss you too Nance.” Ashlyn relaxes into the usual two-seater couch in Nancy’s office.

“So, catch me up. It’s been a little over two weeks since last time. If my counting is right, you must be on what, seven or eight sessions with Ali now?” Nancy tries to do the math in her head.

“Eight.” Ashlyn confirms with a smile.

“Right, eight.” Nancy nods. “How do you feel? Any progress?”

“Progress?” Ashlyn chuckles softly. “I feel like a new person. I think progress is putting it lightly.”

“Stop being vague.” Nancy shoots her a look. “Tell me about it.”

“Geez, where do I even start?” Ashlyn asks rhetorically before just starting with the very personal conversations she had with Ali on the pier in the earlier sessions. She takes care not to reveal too much about Ali’s past that the brunette may not want people to know about, but makes it clear that what they shared with each other was very deep.

Ashlyn details the ways they’ve learned about each other and the incremental steps they’ve taken physically along the way. She recounts the conversations they’ve had about their feelings for each other, Ali’s acknowledgment of her birthday, how the brunette has helped her work through the lingering Sloane issues, and that she successfully achieved an orgasm yesterday with full oral sex. She then pauses to let Nancy read the letter she wrote to Sloane, hoping it pulls everything together because she knows she rambled a bit.

Nancy wordlessly takes it all in as Ashlyn speaks so exuberantly and then reads the letter, completely dumbfounded by the time she is done. She’s more than impressed with the level of progress, but also can’t help feeling somewhat concerned too. There’s an underlying sense of whirlwind romance to it that leaves her uneasy.

“Wow Ashlyn, I’m really happy to hear about the progress you’ve made. You’ve come really far in a relatively short time. And more importantly, you seem to be in such a great place with it all.” Nancy praises her.

“Thanks, Nance. Hasn’t been a walk in the park by any means, but I do feel really good about it. I’m actually proud of myself, you know?” Ashlyn says with a sense of satisfaction.

“You should be! You’re knocking this out of the park, digging deep and doing so much difficult work to move forward. I’m proud of you too. Look at you, you look all lit up.” Nancy makes sure to build her up, before moving into a more subdued conversation.

“All thanks to Ali. That woman…just…I don’t know. I feel like she was put here just for me sometimes.” Ashlyn’s eyes land on the window behind Nancy as she thinks about it. “She just gets me. I can be so real with her, and she never holds back what she is thinking or tries to handle me with kid gloves, but she also protects me in every way when I’m feeling vulnerable, you know?”

“Well, I did say she was the best.” The therapist gives Ashlyn a tight smile.

“She is.” Ashlyn’s eyes go back to Nancy.

“Seems like you are very taken with her.” Nancy probes.

“Taken with her? Nance, I’m full on in love with the woman. More in love than I’ve ever been with any one.” Ashlyn confesses openly.

“That’s pretty clear.” Nancy smiles before pushing further. “And Ali, you mentioned that she’s admitted she returns those feelings? Or that you’ve discussed it?”

“Well of course you already know how she’s very upfront and honest. Neither of us has actually thrown out the word ‘love’ or even any serious expressions like that. But we’ve talked about having these romantic feelings for each other and how this might feel like dating at times even though it’s not. You know, like you and I talked about last time…you warned me this might happen.”

“And you’ve felt comfortable in her approach with you? And you know that you are in the power position here of stopping anything you’re not comfortable with?” Nancy checks.

“Well, yeah. Ali talks me through everything and tells me every single time that I’m in control, that her priority is my comfort and security. She hasn’t done anything that has made me uncomfortable or pushed me in any way.” Ashlyn replies, not sure where Nancy is coming from and getting a little frustrated. “You’re not saying something to me. Just say it.”

“I’m not holding out on you, promise.” Nancy assures her. “And like I’ve said before, it’s normal for feelings to get intense in surrogate treatment situations. I know Ali is trustworthy and reputable or I wouldn’t have recommended her.” She carefully prefaces her next words. “This just seems more involved than her usual approach and, from my perspective, things are getting to a higher intensity level between you two. With the feelings being discussed as mutual, I just want to make sure I’m doing my job and looking out for your best interest.” She explains before quickly adding “not that I see anything wrong going on necessarily, I’m just making sure.”

“I appreciate that.” Ashlyn nods. “It is intense, but I also know that it’s good for me. She’s good for me.” She pauses and takes a breath, trying not to seem as aggravated as she feels. “Look, I’m not stupid. No matter what this is and how it goes, I know it has to end. She’s been very clear about that and clear on her intentions to be professional even as we wade through these feelings for each other. I’m just committed to fully letting myself go, trying to just enjoy what is happening in the moment and staying present. I’ll figure out the rest when I get to that point.”

“That’s a healthy perspective. And I hope you know that I’m not attacking you, or her, or the process. Truly. I just wanted to be sure given all that I was hearing.” Nancy assures her. “I think you’re doing wonderfully, Ashlyn. I’m so impressed and glad for you. And more importantly, you know I’m always here if you need me.”

“You always are. Thanks, Nance.” Ashlyn finally smiles at the woman again. “I appreciate you. Plus, you did refer me to Ali…sooo, best therapist ever!”

“Well I appreciate your faith in me!” Nancy laughs lightly and moves on so she doesn’t press any more buttons that will irritate her client and reverse progress. “So, tell me what else is going on and what’s new? How’s your work going? Have you confided in your friends about your therapy and what do they think? Give me the run down.”

Ashlyn does her best to relax again and let go of the annoyance she’s feeling at Nancy’s insinuating comments about Ali. Luckily, the rest of the conversation between her and Nancy ends up feelings more routine and comfortable.

\-------

“Beebs, how close are we here?” Ali whines at Kyle. He has a date on Saturday night and dragged her shopping this afternoon as soon as he found out she was free. She tries to be patient as he tries on several black and monochrome shade cashmere sweaters that all appear to be the same. It’s going on two hours now, they’ve been in five different stores, and the outfit choices are barely distinguishable

“Almost done you big baby! Just have two more to try on, be right out.” Kyle calls from the dressing room.

Normally she doesn’t mind one bit, but her head is pounding and her throat hurts like hell. It felt scratchy last night and she was exhausted by 9pm, but she chalked it up to having had an incredible evening of sex with Ashlyn. She certainly moaned loud enough to irritate her throat. When she woke up crampy with her period this morning, that seemed to explain the exhaustion last night, except that her throat has gotten increasingly worse as the day as gone on and she’s in denial that she probably has a cold.

“Ok, I think it’s between this black one and the gray one from before.” Kyle finally emerges. He holds up the gray sweater as he models the black one.

“Gray.” Ali takes a quick sip of the hot tea she is nursing. “You always go black and I think the lighter color will bring out your eyes more. You gotta highlight those puppy dog eyes, he’ll never be able to resist.”

“Well aren’t you a sugarplum?!” Kyle smiles happily. “I was gonna go black, but gray it is. Sold!”

“Thank god.” Ali sighs to herself as he goes to get his clothes back on. She can’t wait to go home and curl up on the couch for the day, more than glad her evening appointment cancelled on her as expected. She has been seeing a married couple for routine therapy once a month over the last two years, and they have a tendency to cancel on her unless they’re at each other’s throats. She keeps trying to tell them that they need to keep up with therapy even when things seem ok, but to no avail. Normally them cancelling drives her crazy, but today she couldn’t be more grateful. Not to mention that it’s Halloween night and it’s probably better that they spend the time with their kids.

She’s debating whether to pick up some soup for dinner on the way home when her phone vibrates, Nancy Merriman appearing in the caller ID. “I’ll meet you outside, Ky.” Ali calls out and quickly heads out of the store to take the call.

“Hello, this is Ali.” Ali answers the call, wondering why Nancy is calling. The woman knows she only takes one client at a time and is working with Ashlyn right now, so it must be a personal call.

“Hi Ali, this is Nancy.” Nancy greets her cordially.

“Hi Nance, what can I do for you? Everything ok?” Ali asks curiously.

“Everything is fine. Really just a quick follow-up call. I had Ashlyn in this morning and she was giving me an update on how things are going. Seems like you have made quite a bit of progress and it was pretty clear from what she was telling me that she’s really invested in you… and you in her. So, I just thought I would check in with you.” Nancy explains.

The statement sounds casual enough, but Ali knows better. She can hear the discerning tone that Nancy is trying to hold back. Not what she wanted to deal with right now, but she doesn’t exactly have a choice.

“Check in _with_ me or check in _on_ me?” Ali replies directly, her tone neutral.

“Oh um… well… never cease to just tackle it head on, huh?” Nancy tries to lighten things.

“Nope. You know me well enough by now. No point dancing around things.” Ali replies evenly.

“Right. Well, I’m not calling you to challenge your work with Ashlyn. The progress is really remarkable, so I think that speaks for itself.” Nancy assures her. “I’ve personally had a few clients go through the surrogate process now, and I’ve seen firsthand how difficult it can be when goals are met and the debriefing part gets underway. Breaking off that connection is usually a pretty hard thing for a client. And I’m just over here realizing just how much more strongly connected Ashlyn seems to you than even those other clients appeared to be. Having a good sense of the more profound level with which she navigates the world, it worries me that this may be a particularly difficult transition for her.”

“I worry about that too.” Ali admits freely.

“I also haven’t seen you reciprocate with a client like you seem to be with her.” Nancy appeals to her on a more personal level. “So, I just worry about both aspects.”

“Like I said, Nance…I won’t dance around the situation. As you know, it’s not uncommon for both client and surrogate to experience strong feelings for each other.” Ali hears the woman hum in acknowledgement. “I’ve personally never found myself in love with a client or even all that physically attracted to be honest.”

“Well I know that has made keeping professional boundaries easier.” Nancy replies.

“It has. Well, until now.” Ali pauses before just putting it bluntly. “To be really clear, I am not only very physically attracted to Ashlyn, but strong feelings of love have also developed pretty quickly for me when it comes her. This is new for me, as you obviously realize, but I’m aware of it and I’m moving forward in the same manner I always do. And that is to stay true to and act on whatever the reality is. There is no holding back, nothing short of total honesty between us, and we face everything head-on together. Just like always.”

“Ok, I think that makes it clearer for me.” Nancy considers what Ali just said. “So, you’re acting on the romantic feelings you have then?”

“Yes and no.” Ali tries to explain. “Yes in the sense that I’m being open and letting myself fall in love. I’m not holding back my feelings for her and am receptive to hers in return. I’m acting on them when appropriate even if it means throwing out my own rule book.”

“Ok.” Nancy signals that she’s following along.

“And also no in the sense that this won’t go beyond the lines of therapy in the big picture. The fact is that the lines I work within can be very blurry, you know that. And let’s face it, they are about as blurry this time around as they’ll ever be. But in the end, the lines are still there. There are still boundaries of some sort and I’ll stay within them. My primary focus is helping Ashlyn and doing what’s best for her, helping her figure out what exactly that is and doing everything to guide the process forward and not hinder it. If that means I hurt my own heart in the process, so be it.” Ali says resolutely.

“Sheesh, Ali. That’s um…well, a high level of commitment from you.” Nancy lets out a sigh. “I know this is very complicated, it usually is even on a more superficial level, and I feel for both of you in that regard. I appreciate you being honest with me about it.”

“I really care about her, Nance. More than I can properly say. And the truth is that I think the authenticity of what is happening between us is the main reason this is working as well as it has thus far. I’ll do everything I can to help her and I completely trust that you’ll be there once I can’t be.” Ali says sincerely.

“I will be. You have my word on that. Just be careful with her and with yourself too. You can always call me to talk things out.” Nancy can’t help but still be somewhat concerned for both women even if she feels better now that she’s talked to Ali. “And please know I’m not questioning your work or your method, I know better when it comes to you. I just feel like I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t check on this.”

“I know that and I’ll be as careful as I possibility can. And I get it, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t have made the same call today if I was you.” Ali reassures her.

“Thanks, Ali. You know I think you’re the best out there and my opinion on that remains completely unchanged. I appreciate you taking the time to humor me.” Nancy replies kindly. “Hope you have a great rest of the day! Happy Halloween!”

“You too, Nance. Call any time!” Ali ends the call warmly before putting her phone in her purse and letting out a soft groan. Everything she said to Nancy was completely true and they ended in a place of mutual understanding, but still, something about the call leaves her feeling unsettled.

Before Ali can think on it further, Kyle comes out of the store and the aim of picking up dinner and dashing home to the couch consumes whatever energy she has left for the day. This is the first time she’s ever been thankful that she never gets trick-or-treaters.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Ali wakes up the late next morning, body feeling heavy and still crampy. She finds her sheets soaked in sweat, but she’s shivering with cold and clearly running a fever. “Ugh, fuck.” Her voice doesn’t even come out audibly, her throat feeling so swollen and sore that she grabs a tissue to spit into rather than even attempt to swallow her own saliva. She grabs her phone and texts Kyle, glad he’s just in the room down the hall after staying over last night.

One trip to urgent care later and it’s confirmed: strep throat. She hasn’t had it since she was in middle school, but she doesn’t remember it being this painful. She’s majorly contagious until a full 24 hours on antibiotics and she internally grimaces at the thought of having to cancel her appointments for the next few days, none making her more disappointed than her session with Ashlyn tomorrow.

She figures she’s not going want to do much until at least Monday, so she sits in the comfortable chair in the corner of her bedroom and starts texting her clients with cancellation notices while she sips the ice cold smoothie Kyle got her on the way home. It only takes about 15 minutes, but it’s enough to wipe her out. Still, she makes the decision to call Ashlyn personally, it’s the least she can do.

\-----

“Well hey there, Harvard! Are the ground rules for tomorrow so stunning that you had to call me the day before? Should I be scared?” Ashlyn answers the phone playfully when she sees it’s Ali, sitting back in her desk chair with a grin on her face.

“Hey you. No ground rules actually. Unfortunately, I’m calling to cancel for tomorrow.” Ali manages to croak out, the cold smoothie at least easing her sore throat enough for her voice to be mostly audible.

“Al, are you ok?” Ashlyn sits up in concern, pressing the phone harder to her ear. “You sound awful, what’s wrong?”

Ali smiles at the diminutive of her name. “Yeah, just found out I have strep throat. Just wiped out and need some rest and medicine, but I’ll live. Really, really sorry I have to cancel on you.” She says regretfully.

“Hey now, totally ok. You need to rest and get better.” Ashlyn voice is soft and worried. “I’m really sorry you’re sick. What can I do?”

“Nothing, I’ll be fine. A couple days of antibiotics and I’ll be good as new.” Ali assures her as her throat protests every effort her voice is trying to make. “Shit, I hope I didn’t get you sick!” It dawns on her that she started feeling sick shortly after her last session with Ashlyn, meaning she was technically already sick and contagious before that.

“Relax, I feel fine other than the stomach ache I have from eating way too much Halloween candy at Whit’s place last night. But if I start to feel anything, I’ll know to get checked right away. Just focus on you.” Ashlyn shrugs it off. “So really, what can I do? I sort of know where you live, but don’t know your actual address. I can be there in like an hour with soup, ice cream, anything you want. I can even just be good Netflix company!”

“No, no.” Ali’s voice croaks again, her eyes watery as she painfully tries to clear it. “My brother can get stuff if I need it. No way I’m getting you sick.” She does her best to deflect.

“I don’t care about that.” Ashlyn pleads her case. “Really, I don’t mind at all. I uh… I like spending time with you, sick or not. I’m worried about you, Alex. Let me help.”

Ali lets out a deep sigh. The offer is beyond tempting. What she wouldn’t give right now to be completely snuggled in Ashlyn’s arms, but it’s not meant to be. Her conversation with Nancy is still fresh in her mind and she’s beyond mentally and physically exhausted. Her head is pounding again, her throat is begging her to stop talking, and she just needs to get off this phone and get in bed.

“That’s not a good idea.” Ali replies as simply as she can, only to hear Ashlyn begin to protest again about not caring if she gets sick. “Ash, that’s not… we just…can’t.” Her voice comes out a bit more forcefully. “What I mean is that it goes beyond…”

“Our therapy sessions, got it.” Ashlyn finishes the brunette’s statement, her chest feeling tight.

“Yeah, but…” Ali immediately hears the hurt in Ashlyn’s voice, her heart dropping as she tries to say something to smooth the conversation.

“It’s ok. Really, I get it.” Ashlyn cuts her off again, doing her best not to sound dejected. “Just please take care of yourself. And if you need anything at all, my offer stands.”

“Thanks, Ash. I really appreciate it, you’re so sweet.” Ali feels nauseated at the disappointment in Ashlyn’s voice, not sure what to say. “I’m sorry again to cancel.”

“Don’t be. Feel better, Alex. Hopefully I’ll see you Tuesday.” Ashlyn says with warm sincerity. “Sweet dreams.”

“Thanks, you too.” Ali is frowning even as she presses the end call button, trying hard not to just cry at the combination of how miserable she feels and that how that conversation went. All she can manage right now is crawling into bed and letting sleep take over.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ali feels a little nervous as she rides up the elevator. Maybe she should’ve texted Ashlyn or called her this weekend after that conversation on Thursday, but she opted not to, feeling like maybe she was making too much of it in her decrepit state. Now she’s not exactly sure what to expect today, but knows she has to be the one to guide them through whatever she encounters when this metal door slides open.

“Hey, Alex.” Ashlyn is right there with her usual dimpled grin to pull Ali into a hug as soon as she’s off the elevator. Ali feels relieved as soon as those strong arms wrap her up, but it’s short lived when they don’t hold her quite as tightly… a sure sign that Ashlyn is feeling a little uneasy too. That’s enough to make her instincts kick in.

“Hi.” Ali pecks the woman’s cheek before pulling back a bit and gently holding her face with one hand, hazel eyes looking at her like they’re trying to figure her out. “Ok, so my favorite thing about your place is the open layout, but it’s feeling pretty cramped in here right now with this big ol’ elephant in the room. How about we just get rid of it and let him rejoin his circus?” She smiles widely.

Ashlyn guffaws loudly, tension visibly releasing as she bends over slightly in laughter. “I dig your style, Harvard. You get the peanuts to draw him out, I’ll push him out the door.” She plays back before leaving a soft kiss on Ali’s lips. “Hi.”

They stand there for a few seconds getting lost in the sweet gaze between them until Ali breaks the silence. “I’m sorry about being so gruff with you on Thursday. I’d chalk it up to feeling like total crap, but it was more than that.” She dives right in as usual. “Nancy had just called me Wednesday after your appointment with her, just to check in… but it was clear she had some reservations about our relationship despite understanding that this process can be complicated. And she’s fine now that she talked to both of us, but I’ll admit that the conversation was fresh in my head.” She pauses and gets a knowing nod from Ashlyn, the woman’s hands now holding her hips.

“You know, Ash… it took absolutely every ounce of will power not to say yes to you. I wanted nothing more than to cuddle up with you when I felt so awful. But that’s just it, I can so easily lose myself with you. And it’s my job to make sure we don’t get lost in this whole thing or we’ll get nowhere. No matter how I feel, I have to drop an anchor somewhere so we don’t drift away. You know what I mean?” Ali asks softly.

“I do. I honestly do.” Ashlyn reaches for the brunette’s hand and squeezes it. “I sulked for like an hour once we got off the phone, and then I felt ridiculous for doing that. We talked about this, Alex. And I understood it then and I understand it now, I promise you. But I also have this like deep sense of nurturing and taking care of people. And the way I care for you, just… damn it felt shitty not to be able to do that. I didn’t mean to be such a baby about, but I know I was.”

“You weren’t a baby. I learned how caring and protective you were really early on, and I lost sight of that on Thursday in the midst of everything else.” Ali squeezes her hand back. “I’m sorry about that.”

“We don’t apologize, remember? And that’s twice now for you.” Ashlyn shoots her a playful look.

“Right. So, not sorry then.” Ali laughs lightly. “We ok?”

“We were never not ok.” Ashlyn smiles before looking around the room dramatically and calling out. “Dumbo? You still here?”

“Think he flew off the balcony.” Ali giggles.

“Good. Finally, some fucking privacy around here.” Ashlyn jokes before capturing Ali’s lips in a deep kiss that makes her stomach drop. “Missed you.” She whispers against the corner of the brunette’s mouth.

“Missed you too.” Ali’s arms wrap around Ashlyn’s middle.

“So, how are you feeling?” Ashlyn asks warmly.

“A lot better. Still not 100 percent, but close enough. Just mostly a little worn down still, but at least no more throat pain and not a walking biohazard.” Ali replies. “So glad I didn’t get you sick.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. We’re taking it easy today anyway though.” Ashlyn states matter-of-factly.

“We are?” Ali raises an eyebrow in confusion. “I’m totally fine and the plan is to focus more on you today anyway. I’m good, so we don’t have to change anything up.”

“Like you said, you’re not 100 percent, and you look like you’ve lost at least five pounds.” Ashlyn gets even closer. “And…” Her mind goes blank now that’s she’s stepped back enough to really take Ali in. “God baby, you’re so beautiful that I can barely breathe around you. Really fucking missed you.” She leans back in leaves another lingering kiss on the brunette’s lips.

“Easy, Stanford charm. You’re not off the hook yet.” Ali softly pokes her side.

“Off what hook?” Ashlyn questions.

“The hook where you’re insisting we change things up when I’m fine.” Ali stays the course.

“Hear me out.” Ashlyn insists and gets a nod. “You were right about Thursday, we needed those boundaries you set for us. But that doesn’t change who I am and how I feel, and I’m sure it doesn’t change those things for you either. And this right here is our space, where the boundaries are on the outskirts. So, this is where I reconcile it all.”

“Not sure I follow.” Ali tries to understand what she is getting at.

“You’ve always said that I can dictate things or change them up at any time, right?” Ashlyn asks.

“Yeah, of course.” Ali answers easily.

“Ok well, today I am.” Ashlyn says resolutely. “You’re still not feeling completely better, just like I figured you wouldn’t be. And you’re too dedicated not to be here giving me your all today anyway, just like I knew you would. And I’m still the same nurturing and protective me. And, unlike a few days ago, we’re in our space together now. So today, I’m taking care of you. Come on.” Ashlyn takes Ali’s hand and leads her over to the couch.

“Oh, wow. What’s all this?” Ali notices the spread of food on the coffee table for the first time, also just now noticing how good it smells in the penthouse. It looks to be a couple bowls of soup, some fresh biscuits, glasses of water and tea.

“A meal that will feel good on that throat even if it doesn’t hurt anymore, a comfortable couch, and my arms.” Ashlyn winks. “Ice cream in the freezer too.”

“Well, it’s official. You’re perfect.” Ali beams at the thoughtfulness. “But, you forgot one minor detail Stanford.”

“What’s that?” Ashlyn inquires.

“That in our space, the focus is on you.” Ali lightly taps Ashlyn’s nose. “Not me.”

“You underestimate me, Harvard. I forget nothing.” Ashlyn smirks. “The focus is still me. If you thought the sex was good, prepare to have your world rocked. You’re about to see Ashlyn Harris in a way nobody ever has. Live and unplugged!” She watches Ali’s eyebrows raise before being more serious. “Actually, you’re going to wish we were having sex when we’re sitting in a pile of snotty tissues.”

“Ok really lost now, what on earth are we doing?” Ali is befuddled.

“We’re having early dinner, cuddling, and watching a movie.” Ashlyn replies softly and sits down on the couch, tapping the spot next to her and waiting for Ali to sit. “It’s simple. I’ve never watched _Gleason_ with anyone before. Today I am.”

Ali reaches for Ashlyn’s hand again and holds it really tight in hers because no verbal reply can do justice to the immensely powerful invitation she knows was just extended to her.

Ashlyn needs nothing more than the compassionate look in Ali’s eyes to move things along, reaching for the remote control and pressing the button that dims the lights and drops the projection screen down from the ceiling.

“So, gonna fill me in on what deliciousness this is? Smells amazing.” Ali lightens the moment and points to the soup bowls.

“Loaded baked potato soup, just solid comfort food. And lots of carbs.” Ashlyn smiles. “Dig in. Fair warning though, we probably have like 30 minutes to eat before the tears start dripping into the soup.”

“That bad?” Ali asks softly.

“It is for me.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Did you ever look up what this documentary was about other than the basics I told you about it?”

“No. Thought about it, but no.” Ali answers.

“Why not?” Ashlyn can’t help but ask.

“Because I know that if it’s important, that I’ll learn it directly from you without prying. Just like I’m about to. I trust in that pretty strongly.” Ali says simply.

_I love you so damn much, Alex. You always see me. _Ashlyn just kisses the brunette sweetly before pointing to the lunch spread. “Let’s eat.” She moves to turn on the movie, but feels Ali’s hand stop her.

“Hey, Ash…” Ali finds beautiful hazel. “I know this is your way taking care of me, but I’ve still got you.”

“You always do. And that’s why we’re here doing this.” Ashlyn says meaningfully, feeling remarkably settled in opening up this tortured side of herself that no one has ever been privy to.

\----

It’s about 30 minutes into the documentary and they’ve finished their meal, Ali now curled into Ashlyn’s side with the woman’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. So far, it’s everything Ali was expecting from what Ashlyn had told her.

It recounts the early life and NFL playing career of Steve Gleason, an average-sized guy who wasn’t a standout football player by any means. He became known for his scrappy and tenacious playing style and one important blocked punt in a historical game for the city of New Orleans that made him a local hero. It details how Steve fell in love, got married, and eventually decided he wanted to move on from football. Soon after that, he gets the news that he has ALS and is trying to navigate what it means for him and his wife.

It’s a sad story in many ways, but less heart-wrenching than Ali was expecting and she starts wondering if she missed something crucial when the bomb finally drops. Just weeks after learning of his diagnosis, Steve and his wife find out that she’s pregnant with their first child.

Ali swallows against the lump in her throat and tightens her grip around Ashlyn’s stomach when it becomes crystal clear why the woman connects with this documentary so deeply. It’s actually a documentary that Steve Gleason made for his son so that his son will know who he really is. Because before his little boy is even a toddler, Steve won’t be able to talk or move at all and he’ll be lucky if he lives that long. Ashlyn’s mother didn’t even make it long enough to see her crawl.

It’s devastating watching this man not only dealing with his diagnosis as he begins deteriorating quickly, but also trying figure out how to impart to his son who he is as a person so that he doesn’t just see him as some invalid in a wheelchair that’s supposed to be his dad. Ali’s eyes constantly dart over to Ashlyn, but the woman seems composed enough…that is until Rivers Gleason is born, and then the composure is gone.

Ali tears up watching a completely joyful Steve work so hard to hold his newborn son with arms that minimally function, his words so slurred from his failing voice that it’s hard to understand him at times. But she doesn’t even notice her own tears falling because that’s when Ashlyn starts sobbing freely, neither woman noticing that their position shifts… Ali now tucked into the corner of the couch with Ashlyn held tight to her chest.

The documentary goes for another hour after that, getting more difficult by the minute as Steve gets worse and worse, unable to do anything but move his eyes to control electronic language and wheelchair movement software on a computer screen. And it’s not just him, his wife becomes worn down to nothing, his connection to her and his son hard to maintain when he can’t even so much as breathe without a machine. You listen to his darkest fears and thoughts, at times suicidal and devoid of all hope, all by way of an electronic and emotionless computer voice.

Although you learn that Steve Gleason is still alive today, and there’s a more positive spin in the later parts of the documentary, Ali can’t fathom how anyone finds the strength to watch this movie more than once…let alone someone like Ashlyn who can connect to it so personally and yet has watched it repeatedly through pain and tears.

Ali grabs yet another tissue as the credits role and gently dabs Ashlyn’s face for what has to be at least the twentieth time, dropping it onto the ever growing pile on the floor near the couch. They’re both sporting red, puffy eyes and Ali doubts that her waterproof mascara ever stood a chance today. She just keeps running her hand soothingly through Ashlyn’s short hair and waits patiently for whatever comes next.

“See, aren’t you wishing now that we just had sex instead of this?” Ashlyn finally speaks and clears her throat.

“It was rough to watch and I admittedly hate seeing you so upset, but no. The truth is that I’m also enjoying this part of it with you.” Ali hugs the woman tighter to her chest and kisses the top of her head, feeling so needed and special in this moment. “Wouldn’t change a thing.”

“She didn’t have any muscle control left by the time I was born, full paralysis.” Ashlyn nuzzles into the crook of the brunette’s neck and just starts talking before she can convince herself not to. “I was a C-section. She never got to actually hold me, couldn’t talk either. The speaking technology wasn’t widespread then and too expensive, so she never had that. Think my family just mostly guessed her needs and tried to read whatever facial expressions she could make. Before she stopped being able to talk, she said she didn’t want the tracheotomy and breathing machine surgery like Gleason had. So uh, her time was pretty short.”

Ali keeps stroking Ashlyn’s hair and kissing her head every so often, staying quiet and just being there. Her mind draws connections between the movie and what Ashlyn is saying, unable to imagine what it must have been like for her mother to not have any means to communicate or even hold her child. It had been hard enough to see Steve Gleason have to talk through a computer, to hear his overwhelming dejection at times…but at least you knew. How awful it must have been for Ashlyn’s mother and the family around her to have nothing but silence to work with, no insight into the perfectly functioning mind within the useless body.

“Does watching this movie make you feel better or worse about your mom?” Ali asks gently after it becomes really clear that Ashlyn is just waiting for her to say something.

“Neither, it just makes me a better person. To understand what it was like for her, to know some of the thoughts she might have been having. To know just how much sacrifice and struggle it was for her to have me…how much love it took to bring me into this world. It’s love beyond my comprehension, but now that I have even the smallest sense of it…I… I’ll never fucking waste it.” Ashlyn takes a deep breath. “I live to try to put as much of that love back into this world as I can. I do that for her, and for me. And it makes me better even if it hurts too.” Ashlyn does her best to explain.

_Beautiful soul, how are you even real?_ Ali tilts Ashlyn’s chin up and kisses her lips. “You’ve never ceased to amaze me. Not before, not now, not ever. And you’re right, that was some incredibly powerful love that brought you into existence, Ash. It’s no wonder you move mountains.”

“You know that earthquake in Alaska a few months ago?” Ashlyn asks.

“Uh, yeah?” Ali looks down at her curiously.

“That was my bad, tried to move Mt. McKinley. Didn’t work out so well.” Ashlyn deadpans with a shrug and earns herself a nudge from the brunette.

“Very funny.” Ali laughs lightly. “But don’t think I don’t see right through that attempt to divert my praise, humble Harris.”

“Busted.” Ashlyn rests her head back on Ali’s shoulder. “That feels nice.” She tilts her head further into the brunette as fingers run gently through her hair.

“It’d feel even nicer if you didn’t have all this product in your hair.” Ali teases.

“Eh, small price to pay for good hair.” Ashlyn replies.

“Yeah well, I’ve learned that I also really like it all messed up.” Ali keeps up her ministrations and hears Ashlyn chuckle softly. In the comfortable quiet, her mind wanders again to the movie. She can’t shake how awful she felt for Steve Gleason’s wife.

The woman was a candle burning at both ends, waning down to nothing as she cared for both her husband and their son. Watching her exhaustion grow, all her joy getting sucked away, the ever increasing burden of losing more and more of her once unbreakable connection to Steve as he deteriorated. The way she loved him, how deep it went for her to continue to endure it all…you never questioned it for a second. And yet, there were these rare moments…these overwhelmed moments where she never said it, but you could see in her demeanor that she wished that he would just die. The devastation and hurt in her eyes unmistakable. And Ali can’t stop thinking about it and how it relates to Ashlyn past too.

“The movie… it helps you understand your Dad too.” Ali states more than asks with no warning or lead up.

“It does.” Ashlyn whispers simply, knowing that she doesn’t have to say anything more. Her arms tighten around Ali’s waist as her lips curl into a tiny peaceful smile. “I just have to barely crack open the door and you see the whole view as if it’s wide open. That’s what makes me feel most lucky to have you in my life. No matter what happens, I’ll be forever grateful for these moments with you.”

Ali pulls Ashlyn up a bit and holds her face, finding her eyes. “Same.” She kisses her soft and deep, the two of them increasingly smiling into the kiss until it breaks their rhythm and they start laughing.

“Ice cream?” Ashlyn offers.

“Duh. It’s the way to my heart.” Ali laughs.

“Hmmm. I thought kissing the back of your neck was the way to your heart?” Ashlyn jokes and earns a light nudge as she gets up.

“That gets you much further south of my heart, smartass.” Ali banters back and laughs when Ashlyn just waggles her eyebrows.

\-----

Ali is halfway through a pint of mint chocolate chip, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch with Ashlyn who is about halfway through her own pint of cookie dough, the two of them debating where the best ice cream spots in NYC are, when a familiar feeling hits her. The same feeling as when she was sitting on the pier with Ashlyn and looking at the skyline. The one where she feels an urge to open herself up even though she’s not expected to, because today somehow feels incomplete to her unless she does.

“You’ve seen _Fahrenheit 911_?” Ali asks, and leans forward to put her ice cream on the coffee table before turning to face Ashlyn a bit. She means it as a question, but again, it comes out more like a statement. It was mainstream enough that most people have seen it, there’s no way a documentary aficionado like Ashlyn hasn’t.

Ashlyn is taken off-guard by the sudden change in topic, her spoon now stopped halfway to her mouth. “I have.” She answers carefully and follows suit, putting her own ice cream down and turning her body slightly.

“You’ve never mentioned it, not even after you knew about my Dad.” Ali pauses and takes a breath. “When I tell people or when they find out, it always goes to that eventually. _Fahrenheit 911_ or some conspiracy theory of some sort, that’s what they want to talk about. You love documentaries, we’ve talked so much about different ones…and you’ve never talked about that one. You’ve never asked me about that one. Why?”

“Should I have?” Ashlyn asks softly, trying to determine what is going on right now.

Ali isn’t willing to entertain the question, just repeating her own more forcefully this time as she reaches to hold Ashlyn’s hands. “Why haven’t you asked me about it, Ashlyn?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.” Ashlyn stops to gather her thoughts before locking onto whiskey orbs. “Your Dad died in one of the most horrible tragedies in this country’s history, memorialized forever as part of it. It’s a tragedy that felt like it touched everyone in some way. That experience, watching it unfold on the TV or even closer for some people, we feel like it gives us all license to talk about it like it’s ours in some way. But it really isn’t, it doesn’t belong to us. It belongs to you… you and everyone who directly lost their family and friends that day. Not people like me, you know?” She pauses, desperately wanting Ali to understand what she is saying, but she isn’t sure she’s making any sense.

“Keep going.” Ali whispers pleadingly.

“It’s just… we experienced it collectively as country and it was fucking horrific. We felt scared or sad or confused, and we all just talk about like we were a full part of it. People create these documentaries and ridiculous theories like they know things, but they don’t know. They didn’t lose what people like you did.” Ashlyn sighs. “He’s your Dad, Alex. It doesn’t matter how he died. He’s not just some national tragedy, he’s your Dad. He’s yours, not ours. And fuck _Fahrenheit 911_…it doesn’t matter what we know or what we think we know, we can’t know that. He’s yours.”

Ali can hear her heart beat drumming in her ears, a deep ache spreading in her chest that somehow feels good even as it seems to weaken her strength and make her tremble. She feels sweaty and hot, her stomach in knots, dizzy and like she’s going to pass out because it feels like she can’t breathe. And she’s desperate…desperate to be closer, her whole being wanting to just crawl into Ashlyn’s skin because she can’t be close enough. “Ash…”

Ashlyn can’t begin to decipher Ali’s expression before the brunette is straddling her lap and kissing her in a way she’s never experienced. It’s aggressive, but incredibly loving…frantic in a way that takes the air right out of her lungs like a vacuum. She wraps her arms around Ali’s shoulders and pulls her in closer, adding her own intensity as something explodes in the air between them and blows the rest of the world away.

Ali surrenders herself to the uncontrollable fire as everything between them shifts and remakes itself into something she could never begin to explain. They’re sloppily latched onto each other’s mouths like one of them is going to disappear at any second, each of them taking a loud gasping breath whenever their lips open up the slightest gap. Everything burns white hot and little flashes of light spin behind her closed eyelids, her brain so hazy that she barely registers Ashlyn’s voice pulling her back in.

“Al...hey...come here.” Ashlyn breaks the kiss when she feels Ali’s grip on her go a bit slack, trying her best to speak with her own chest heaving for air. The brunette is shaking a bit and it takes a few seconds, but her eyes eventually open slightly and she leans forward to rest on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “It’s ok.” Ashlyn rubs the brunette’s back, the two of them just trying to breathe.

It takes a solid five minutes, but Ali eventually sits back on Ashlyn’s lap and just silently studies her face as if it has some answer to whatever just happened. It feels like an anchor got dropped right here in this spot, like a permanent marker that can never be destroyed…that’s the only way she can describe it. And she knows for certain that no matter what happens or where either of them ends up, she’ll always be able to navigate her soul right back to this spot, to this moment, to this feeling, and find peace.

“Wow, what was that for?” Ashlyn asks when she sees a slight smile on Ali’s face.

“For getting it…you get it.” Ali kisses her again. This time it’s slow and sweet, comfortable like they’ve been doing this for years. She can feel every one of Ashlyn’s fingertips lightly stroking along her back and slows down to several short kisses on the woman’s lips before sitting back again and finding beautiful, caring hazel. “I hate that fucking film. He wasn’t just some casualty of an ignorant political agenda, of some stupid war plan. He was my Dad. And people talk like they know something…and they don’t. They don’t fucking know anything.” She releases it like a balloon popping.

“It’s ok, sweetheart. I know.” Ashlyn hugs her close again, one hand stroking through her hair to soothe her.

“You do know. Thank you.” Ali whispers near Ashlyn’s ear and just lets her whole body melt into the woman’s arms, feeling spent.

“Same.” Ashlyn says lightly and feels the brunette smile into her neck.

\----

“Ugh. Don’t want to move, but I really should go.” Ali sighs, knowing she’s been curled up in Ashlyn’s lap on the couch for much too long now. It’s dark out and she probably should have left like half an hour ago. The longer she sits there, the harder it gets to leave.

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn reluctantly agrees, just about on the verge on falling asleep in the peaceful quiet and the brunette’s perfect weight in her arms. Finally stretching and getting up once Ali stands.

“I should probably freshen up real quick, I’m sure I look like a disaster. Wouldn’t want anyone calling the cops on my walk home.” Ali jokes.

“Most beautiful disaster I’ve ever seen.” Ashlyn counters sweetly.

“Very smooth, Stanford.” Ali smiles.

“Use the master bathroom upstairs. There’s make-up remover wipes in the top left drawer and mascara in the makeup bag on the counter Help yourself.” Ashlyn smirks. “Although, I’ve learned that I also like it all messed up, my little raccoon.” She uses the brunette’s words and winks at her.

Ali groans softly at the confirmation that her mascara has not survived today’s emotional battle before her own smirk appears. “Whatever you say, Sonic the Hedgehog.” Ali ruffles Ashlyn’s now wild hair with a laugh as she walks by her and heads up the stairs.

In this very simple teasing moment, one makes her feel so rooted and steady, it hits Ashlyn that whatever happened today has changed something inside of her forever. She’s not sure if it’s because she gave such a big piece of herself or if it’s because she got an equal piece of Ali back in return…but maybe it’s both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling about Nancy's call? Thoughts on how they navigated this whole thing and the powerful moment it created?


	23. DIY (Session 10)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After that bumpy last chapter, maybe we should turn up the heat a little, yes? OK!  
Remember when you first saw what this fic was about and probably envisioned some very sexually charged chapters? Well, this is one of those chapters...consider this a warning that you might wanna read it when you don't have someone looking over your shoulder ;-)
> 
> On that note, have a fabulous start to the week and drop me a comment to let me know what you're thinking!

Session 10 – DIY

“Hi, perfect timing! Just finished up with a client a few minutes ago.” Ali answers her phone and sits back in her desk chair, stretching her legs out.

“Hey Ali-gator! Well at least I got something right finally. Maybe that makes up for not calling you for like 2 weeks? Ugh, I’m sorry. Don’t hate me.” Syd replies hopefully.

“Relax, totally okay. How was Paris, Ms. Jetsetter?” Ali puts her at ease.

“Oh you know me, get back from an almost month-long vacation only to head off to another continent for business. Another day in the life of a world traveler.” Syd jokes, these last couple months being the most international travel she’s ever done. “It was good though, we got the new client and they’ve agreed to market products exclusively through us. Mostly a luxury smartwatch line with accessories, but should be good cash flow. Might’ve been nice to have Dom in the most romantic city in the world with me, but I ate enough fresh buttery croissants to forget about him.”

“Wow, congrats! Not that I’m surprised, you’re very persuasive.” Ali replies enthusiastically. “And thanks a fucking lot, now I want a croissant.”

“Pssh, my ass is like three sizes bigger now. Trust me, you don’t want a croissant.” Syd grumbles. “So, you called pretty late last night. I was out like a light by like 10pm and didn’t even hear my phone. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, all good. I was just having a pensive night and was trying to shut my brain off.” Ali explains. From the minute she left Ashlyn’s place yesterday, she had been completely unable to stop thinking about that immensely powerful moment they shared, that kiss, that completely unspoken understanding between them that shifted her world in a way she can’t even describe. All of it swirled around until she fell asleep from exhaustion and it’s still at the forefront of her mind this morning.

“You saying I turn your brain off?” Syd pretends to be offended.

“Oh stop, you know what I mean!” Ali shushes her. “I was going for distraction, which we all know you’re the queen of.”

“Pretty sure Kyle is the queen of distraction, but ok.” Syd laughs.

“No way I was calling him last night.” Ali mumbles before she can stop herself.

“Ok girl, spill it. What the hell are you all mysterious about?” Syd asks pointedly.

Ali lets out a soft groan. On one hand, she doesn’t want really talk about it. On the other, she feels like she might explode if she doesn’t release a little. “You know that night we drank way too many margaritas freshman year and started having that love philosophy discussion at like 3am?”

“Ha, you mean the first of many nights we drank too many margaritas and got all deep at insane hours of the morning…but yes.” Syd snickers.

“You know how we both concluded that you can’t possibly know for sure you want to spend your life with someone right away?” Ali reminds her.

“Ah yes. I believe we concluded it was a trial and error process where you just end up feeling satisfied enough with the person who best fits into your life compared to everyone else you’ve dated.” Syd affirms. “God, we were cynical as fuck. Should’ve known then that you were getting divorced. Well that and all that lesbian indie music you were into even back then.”

Ali doesn’t bite at the teasing and just keeps going. “And then you met Dom a few years later. Remember how you thought he was just some douche party boy type that hit on you at a bar? How you didn’t even want to go out with him at first?”

“Oh yeah, could _never_ forget that! He was hot as hell, but wow what a pathetic lug nut that night.” Syd cackles. “To his credit, he was so damn drunk.”

“Sooo drunk…took him three tries just to enter your number in his phone!” Ali snickers before moving on. “But then you went out on that date with him…and I’ll never forget, you came back all giddy. And you said ‘that boy is mine for life’.”

“No question, I knew after one date. And I was right too, so boom!” Syd exclaims proudly.

“Right, but when I reminded you about the conversation we had freshman year and called you out about how you could possibly feel that way, you just shrugged said ‘we had a moment’.” Ali remembers like it was yesterday.

“Sounds exactly right.” Syd replies, not fully recalling telling Ali that part. “So, what does this have to do with anything?”

“I think I just had one of those moments yesterday.” Ali reveals. “And my mind just…” She makes a little explosion noise.

“Okurrr, exschuuuuse me, what?!” Syd shrieks out in surprise. “Rewind. You had a what now?”

“You heard me.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“You don’t believe in moments. Who are you? What’s our secret word?” Syd exclaims, referring to the word they agreed upon to confirm each other’s identity after they spent a weekend drunkenly binge watching a bunch of kidnapping and identity-theft thriller films.

“It’s flamingo, jerk. And you didn’t believe in moments either, remember?” Ali replies unamused.

“Yeah, but I like never follow through with anything I say. You on the other hand…” Syd keeps it up before hearing the impatient sigh over the line. “Ok, ok, I’ll stop. With who?” She asks before answering her own question. “Ruby?!”

“This is why I should never tell you and Kyle anything.” Ali groans at the nickname.

“Well what am I supposed to call her? It’s not like we know anything about her!” Syd huffs. “Fine, Client X.” She adds sarcastically. “So tell me about this whole moment deal…what happened?”

“Honestly…that’s not…I kinda don’t want to talk about it.” Ali tries to explain. “I know this is going to sound dumb, but on top of the fact that I could never do it justice, I guess I just don’t want to share it with anyone but her. You know what I mean?”

“I do actually.” Syd says thoughtfully. Truth be told, she’s never told anyone details about her moment with Dom either. “Something about your parents, huh?”

“That obvious?” Ali says softly. “But yes.”

“Well, there’s not much you don’t talk about openly. And if you didn’t want to talk to Kyle about it, that means he would easily zero in on whatever it was.” Syd answers simply. “Anyway, I’m happy for you. Well, assuming you’re happy…you sound happy. She really has a hold on you, doesn’t she?”

“She does.” Ali admits. “And I am happy…and also not in some ways.”

“I’ll say it again, you gotta do something about it.” Syd pleads with her.

“I can’t, Syd.” Ali lets out another impatient sigh.

“Als, this is your heart babe. It’s important, listen to it.” Syd presses further.

“I know, but it just doesn’t work like that in this situation.” Ali argues back.

“I told you, talk to that Mark guy so you can see the light!” Syd insists.

“Oh, I did.” Ali informs her. “Turns out I was being a judgmental bitch this whole time. He didn’t marry his client. He definitely fell in love with his wife while she was his client, but they navigated it professionally and ended the therapy relationship like normal. He only reconnected with her much later on and then they started dating and eventually got married. Oh well, he was nice and gave me some good advice.”

“Well that’s not what I wanted to hear.” Syd grumbles.

“Yeah, guess it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear either in many ways.” Ali confesses.

“Fuck it, you’re not even going to be doing this surrogate deal for much longer or even at all. So, who the fuck cares? Buck the trend, break the mold, whatever!” Syd exclaims.

“I really can’t. It wouldn’t be ethical or fair to her. Besides, a lot of surrogates aren’t licensed therapists outside of surrogacy like I am. Bad enough that the licensing board ethics committee checks in on me constantly as is. My clients’ well-being comes first, not mine. And seriously, when have I ever bucked the trend?” Ali challenges.

“You were married at like age 5, Als.” Syd quips back.

“I was 18! Plenty of people get married around that age.” Ali argues

“Uh huh, finish that statement with ‘in the U.S.’, I dare you.” Syd sasses and is met with silence. “That’s what I thought!”

“It’s not that weird!” Ali fires back.

“Right and everyone expects to show up for their freshman year at Harvard and find out their roommate has a husband. Happens every day.” Syd’s voice drips with sarcasm. “Anyway, moving on, not important. So, you’ve been treating her a little while now. Have you done the deed, how was that?”

“Well we’re not quite fully there yet, but for all intents and purposes we’ve technically had sex.” Ali half explains knowing Syd will understand what she means.

“And?” Syd presses.

Ali sighs softly, a little smile on her face. “Fucking amazing.”

“Ooooh! I knew it! Women all tatted up, they just got the magic!” Syd practically howls in excitement.

“You slept with one tattooed chick in college to satisfy your curiosity, Syd.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“And she did me so good that I almost switched teams permanently!” Syd laughs.

“And yet, you didn’t.” Ali teases.

“Eh, I love the feel of balls slapping. Sue me.” Syd says casually.

“Right.” Ali pretend gags.

“Like you don’t hear worse every day from your clients.” Syd challenges.

“Oh I do, but you’re not a client and I don’t always know my client’s sex partners, two reasons I’m not holding back my gag reflex.” Ali laughs.

“Whatever. So she was good huh?” Syd gets back to it.

“Amazing, I said amazing.” Ali corrects happily. “Never been worked up by anyone like that before, forget about a client. She played my body like an instrument, pushed every good button there was to push, and just… fuck… the feelings with it, incredible. Intense and sexy, the whole thing. The orgasm left me practically catatonic.”

“Ohhh, meeoow!” Syd exclaims. “Ughhhh Al, I want her for you. You sound so in love, babe. How can you not see this?”

“I do see it, and I am in love. Which means I care deeply about her. Which means she comes first and I need to do the right thing here, even if feels like the wrong thing inside.” Ali explains another way.

“I know, I know.” Syd finally concedes, knowing her best friend well enough to know she won’t win this argument. “So, what’s your plan exactly?”

“Let myself be in love, give her all I have, and hope I help her out. Then, as usual, bring it to as much closure as I can and wish nothing but the very best for her.” Ali says flatly. “Heal my probably very broken heart and move forward one day at a time.”

“That’s not a plan, that’s doom.” Syd frowns.

“Well, it’s all I’ve got.” Ali replies.

“Can’t we have a slightly more optimistic plan here? You know, like walk away but then plan to reconnect again one day. Worked for that Mark guy, sooo…” Syd suggests hopefully.

“That’s not a plan, that’s a fairytale.” Ali shuts it down. “Do I turn into a pumpkin at midnight too?” She adds mockingly.

“Well I’d rather you turn into a pumpkin than watch you get your heart pulverized, sweetie.” Syd sighs softly in defeat. “How long do you have?”

“It’s not cancer, Syd.” Ali scoffs the gravity of her friend’s tone before answering. “Anyway, I never really know, but assuming we stay on the current track…probably a few more weeks.”

“Alright well, I’m already blocking off everything around that time frame.” Syd tells her even as she marks it in her calendar. “I’ll be there for girl-time as soon as you tell me.”

“You’re the best ever, thank you.” Ali smiles, grateful that she’ll have all the support she can get when this is over. “Get back to work, Ms. Thang.”

“Always got your tail, Ali-gator. Now you get back to gifting the world with good sex.” Syd plays back. And Als?”

“Yeah?” Ali replies.

“Enjoy every second, no regrets.” Syd reminds her.

“Now you’re getting it.” Ali smiles. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Syd hangs up the phone and lets out an exasperated breath, wishing for the first time that her best friend wasn’t so virtuous.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ashlyn, I just fucking love you my boo thang!” Crystal walks into Ashlyn’s kitchen and side hugs her as the woman works on cooking something that smells amazing.

“Aha, she emerges from her midterm studying cave!” Ashlyn laughs at the use of her first name, a sure sign that Crystal must be starved for both food and attention after sequestering herself away for the last week. “Missed you too, minion. How’d midterms go?”

“They’re done and that’s enough for me.” Crystal shrugs as she selects a bottle of wine from the wine fridge. “Don’t even judge, I’m sure they went fine.” She quickly adds.

“Never judging.” Ashlyn smiles. “I don’t envy you one bit. I fucking hated midterms and finals.”

“So, catch me up. Why are we at your place tonight instead of the pub and where is the rest of the squad?” Crystal asks curiously. “Wait, is it even Wednesday or did I fully lose my mind this last week?”

“You’re good, it’s Wednesday.” Ashlyn assures her. “All you really missed was a Facebook shit storm. There was an investigation as to how they were collecting and disseminating user information, a congressional hearing and everything. So now there’s a scramble to make adjustments, ensure customizable user privacy options, stuff like that. And technically we’re a part of that and have to help out. Since I pretty much just got back from Cali, Whit and Pinoe volunteered to go handle the face-to-face stuff and left last Monday. They’ll be back by Friday night.”

“I’d say I feel bad that I missed all that with my midterms, but I don’t.” Crystal shrugs.

“You shouldn’t.” Ashlyn laughs. “I made buffalo chicken sandwiches; you want blue cheese or ranch on yours?”

“Ranch please. Did I mention that I love you?” Crystal bats her eyelashes and then sniffs the air. “Oooh, your kick ass potato wedges too?”

“Just your stomach loves me. And yes, potato wedges are about to come of the oven.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a smile.

“Beeest!” Crystal exclaims and goes to grab Ashlyn a fresh beer while the woman finishes plating dinner. They opt to just sit on the counter stools, giving the hot food a minute to cool down before they eat. “So, what’s new with you, boss lady? How are things with Dr. Love?”

“They’re going great.” Ashlyn tries to stay nonchalant, but can feel the way her cheeks immediately stretch with a huge smile.

“Oh. Em. Gee! You totally got down with her! Look at that dopey ass grin on your face!” Crystal belts out and does a little dance move in her seat. “Holy shit! How did it go?!”

Ashlyn can feel the blush creeping into her cheeks. “It was uh… well, we didn’t like fully have sex as in I’m cured…but we did have sex, you know?”

“Right, right. You lesbians and your whole range of sex thing.” Crystal playfully rolls her eyes. “My question stands, how was it?”

“Best ever.” Ashlyn answers simply, big smile still plastered on her face. “So much so that I actually can’t wait to try the next part, for the first time in a very long time.” She divulges out loud for the first time.

“Not at all surprised. I mean, you’re crazy in love with her and she’s a sex therapist who knows what she’s doing. How would it not be good? Recipe for success really.” Crystal muses out loud. “You look happy, and I’m here for it.” She adds meaningfully.

“Thanks, Crys. I am.” Ashlyn replies contently and they both eat in quiet for a couple minutes.

“You know, I think she is too.” Crystal pipes up.

“She is what?” Ashlyn asks.

“Happy. I was in the lounge library last week and the good doc walked in and just started browsing around a bit. She looked all giddy, distracted, and even a little nervous. Like a smitten college kid early for a significant date. And her face lit up when she realized it was time to head up to you.” Crystal smiles at Ashlyn. “It was really sweet and she totally won me over. Looks to me like it’s a two-way street on Lover’s Lane, boss lady.”

“Yeah. I’m realizing that.” Ashlyn confesses contently, the little anecdote making her heart beat just a tiny bit faster. “Just wish it wasn’t so fleeting.”

Crystal wants to reassure her, but she knows that false hope isn’t helpful right now no matter how much she wants to believe this will have a positive outcome in the long run. “Well, you deserve everything ounce of good that comes out of this thing.”

“Thanks, minion.” Ashlyn smiles. “So, did you and Prince Pierre cement those holiday plans yet?” She changes the subject, knowing Crystal will easily spend the rest of dinner talking about everything she wants to do in France over Christmas.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“More beautiful than a sunset at the beach, and still, that’s the least interesting thing about you.” Ashlyn says reverently as soon as Ali walks into her penthouse in a typical black legging and sweater combo that hugs her perfectly, the brunette’s presence like sudden burst of fresh air in the room. “Hi Alex.” She plants a sweet kiss on Ali’s lips.

_Seriously, where on earth did she come from…my heart. _“I will never tire of your sugary sweet greetings. Thank you.” Ali beams as she wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s waist, letting her fingertips slip just barely under the back of her shirt. “Hi yourself.” She steals another quick kiss. “Impeccably stylish as always, Stanford. You look amazing, smell amazing too.” She’s convinced that no woman, or man for that matter, will ever look as good as Ashlyn Harris does in a pair of jeans and a simple collared shirt with rolled up sleeves.

“How are you feeling?” Ashlyn dips her head a bit and looks at the brunette in concern.

“I’m great. Completely back to normal now.” Ali assures her.

“Glad you’re feeling all better. Dang, guess I can’t force you to watch depressing documentaries while we cry on my couch then.” Ashlyn lightly refers to their last session.

“Perhaps another time.” Ali plays back with a smile before adding. “Despite the tears and resulting raccoon eyes, it was actually pretty wonderful.” She reaches for Ashlyn’s hand and entwines their fingers.

“It was.” Ashlyn lightly presses her forehead to Ali’s for a few seconds before pulling back to look at her again. “So, I feel like I have no idea what’s coming today.”

“Well if you feel ready to get back on track… I’m thinking we stick with what I had in mind before our detour last time, which was to focus on you.” Ali suggests with cautious optimism.

“Definitely ready to get back on track.” Ashlyn nods before raising an eyebrow. “Isn’t the focus usually on me?”

“Yep, but this is greater focus. More of a DIY if you will.” Ali smirks.

“DIY huh? Not exactly sure what that means, but up we go then.” Ashlyn shrugs and leads Ali to the stairs.

“Seems to me like you’re getting it just fine.” Ali laughs as they climb the stairs to the bedroom.

“So, you’re way too stunning and my hands have a mind of their own the minute I get you in my room. Better hit me with those ground rules pretty quick today, Harvard.” Ashlyn states frankly with a wily grin on her face as they get to the top step.

“Question for you first.” Ali gets close and puts a hand on Ashlyn’s hip as soon as they get into the room. “Dirty talk, yes or no?”

“Well then.” Both of Ashlyn’s eyebrows shoot up. “Normally, I’d say it depends. But dirty talk from you? That’s an abso-fucking-lutely yes.” Her smile gets even wider.

“Excellent.” Ali giggles slightly at the reaction. “That’ll help things along nicely I think.”

“Killing me, Harvard.” Ashlyn pleads for her to get to the game plan.

“Getting there.” Ali leans in and kisses the woman’s chin. “So, we’ll put penetration on the table today along with everything else to this point.”

“I’m so ready.” Ashlyn immediately speaks up excitedly, surprised at her own boldness in such a big physical step forward.

“But…” Ali quickly jumps back in. “Ground rule is that you can only do it to yourself.”

“Ugh DIY, should’ve known.” Ashlyn groans and shakes her head. “Surprise, she actually wasn’t ready.” She laughs at herself.

“Yep, you know how this goes…slow and we stay the course.” Ali reminds her. “That ok?”

“Completely ok. Haven’t failed me yet, I’m with you, Alex.” Ashlyn answers easily, but admittedly feeling a bit nervous now. “Though if you’ll recall my history, I’ve tried this before and it didn’t get anywhere other than super awkward.”

“I remember.” Ali smiles and runs her hand soothingly up and down Ashlyn’s arm. “If it’s not working, we’ll stop and try something else. There’s no pressure. But, I can pretty much guarantee that whatever you did before wasn’t up to par with this.” She smirks knowingly.

“Oh yeah?” Ashlyn’s curiosity is peaked.

“Mhmm.” Ali gets really close, feeling Ashlyn’s breath hitch when she kisses just below her ear. “You may be the one touching yourself, but I’ll be right there showing you exactly what to do, whispering filthy things in your ear, and working you up to the point of no return by helping you out just enough…and only then do you go for it.” She husks in the woman’s ear. “I’m betting the last person you tried this with didn’t do that, right?”

_Well fuck. I’m already yours, whatever you want. _Ashlyn swallows hard, trying not to get flustered before they even start. “God no they didn’t. Not even close.” She divulges and tries to get her heart rate under control. “I’m already…can we just…” Her body is thrumming with so much anticipation now that she can’t even get the request out.

“See now that’s the reaction I was hoping for.” Ali kisses her hard before suddenly pulling back. “Ready when you are.” She walks over to the record player, smiling to herself at the hooded hazel eyes she leaves in her wake.

\----

_That ass is phenomenal. _Ashlyn watches the brunette as she walks across the room and puts on some music, eyes lingering on her butt because it’s truly perfection. She quickly averts her gaze to Ali’s face as the woman makes her way back and gets close again.

“One more thing. Remember that everything that comes of out my mouth today is complete truth.” Ali puts her hands on Ashlyn’s waist. “Just the racier side of it that usually comes with more of a filter.” She adds with a wink.

Ashlyn nods with a smile, finding the statement a tad odd since the woman is always blunt and honest with her. She doesn’t bother to think on it any further as Ali tugs her towards the bed_. So much for touching myself. _The brunette doesn’t waste any time, immediately straddling her lap on the bed and kissing her so heatedly that she can’t help the little moan that escapes her throat.

Ali maintains the heavy make out session for quite a while, pausing only to work both their clothes off as smoothly as possible from her straddling position. She doesn’t rush this part, taking care to work Ashlyn into as much of a frenzy as she can to give them a solid head start. Ashlyn’s low moans are getting deeper now that they’re skin on skin, the woman’s large hands gripping her hips, hard nipples pressing against each other as Ali gently licks and nibbles along her neck. The woman is starting to squirm underneath her, exactly what she was waiting for to signal that it’s time to really get things going.

Ali abruptly pulls back from an intense kiss and puts both her hands on Ashlyn’s face, waiting for her eyes to pop open. “Your mouth… I love your mouth, can’t stay away. Those hands, your body… all of you, everything. You are so damn hot Ash, sexy and gorgeous. You drive me fucking crazy, babe. Make drip with want. Make my skin beg for every inch of you against me. Fuck, you make me tingle everywhere, you make me come alive.”

_Jesus, fuck._ Ashlyn’s eyes widen as they lock onto darkened whiskey brown so fiery and downright lustful that it makes her heart give a few hard thuds against her chest. _Goddamn, baby. _Ali’s earlier statement about explicit honesty with no filter finally clicks into place. It’s not like she hasn’t done this kind of thing before, but people tend to overdo dirty talk and it just ends up feeling awkward and fake. Realizing she can trust every word out of Ali’s mouth to be genuine, paired with that look…it revs her right into overdrive with no limit in sight.

“Al…” It’s all Ashlyn can manage to get out in a squeaky whisper of a reply before Ali’s mouth is back on hers, warm tongue against her own.

As if she wasn’t already feeling raring to go, Ashlyn’s fluster only serves to ignite Ali even further. She lets herself give into it just a few moments longer, kissing the woman as deeply as she can and holding on to every emotion that always comes with it_. I love to kiss you, Ashlyn Harris. I’ve never loved to kiss any one. No one is like you and I swear I’ll make you feel it. _It’s the last thought that crosses her mind before she refocuses herself and puts her foot on the gas.

Ashlyn feels like she’s almost melting away, Ali’s touch all over her skin like she’s everywhere all at once. The brunette’s heated words have sent her into a tailspin, her senses seemingly heighten with every passing second._ I’m gonna pass out. Don’t even care. _She reminds herself to breathe, but then suddenly it’s all gone. No mouth on hers, no hands wandering her torso, no perfect weight on her lap, just a sudden cool breeze across her now slightly sweaty skin. Her eyes spring open in confusion, finding Ali now propped up on one elbow beside her. The brunette’s form looks like a masterpiece in this position, the woman gazing at her so hungrily that it actually makes her core quiver. “Alex, you’re fucking beautiful.”

“Look at you, Ash. Never been able to tear my eyes away, not since the first day. Teach me” Ali requests.

“Teach you what?” Ashlyn asks quietly, not understanding the demand, but too locked onto Ali to figure it out for herself.

“Teach me how to make you tremble …show me how to make your abs clench so hard that I’ll be able to feel it all the way down around my fingers when I’m inside you. Show me every secret, babe. Show me everything you want. Teach me to make you throb until everything explodes. To worship your body to perfection. Just once, I just need to see it once and it’s yours.” Ali beseeches her in a low throaty voice.

_Dear god. _“Ok.” Ashlyn swallows hard and says a bit lamely, not sure how to even begin to reply.

Ali can’t help but smile slightly as she sees the blush work its way up from Ashlyn’s chest up into her cheeks. She likes the effect she’s having, but Ashlyn still looks a bit lost on what to do.

“Scoot up a bit.” Ali instructs. “Yeah, just like that. Lean back, get nice and comfortable. Good, now I can see everything better.” _What a fucking view…damn, Ashlyn. _She nods approvingly at Ashlyn now sitting up against the headboard, legs spread just slightly. She scoots herself up into the same position right beside her, their thighs and shoulders just touching. “Now show me, gorgeous. Teach me how to drive you crazy.”

“You did it just fine without a single lesson, Alex.” Ashlyn’s instant reaction comes out with completely unintended sass and she immediately wishes she could take the words back. The last thing she wants is for the brunette to think she’s not taking this seriously when the woman is clearly working hard to navigate them to a really important goal today. She starts to slightly grimace at her own words as her eyes dart over to Ali, finding the brunette looking at her with a devilish smirk like she had already been anticipating that exact response.

“Uh, I didn’t mean to…” Ashlyn starts to mumble an apology, but Ali cuts it right off.

“You can always teach me new tricks. Buuut, let’s go another way then.” The sultry smile grows on Ali’s face. “Show me what you’ll do to me. Show me how you’re gonna make me come undone with those hands, Ash.” She raises an eyebrow in challenge.

_Oh fuck yes I will. _Ashlyn’s mouth falls open slightly, drawn right back in by the desire in that whiskey stare. “I can so totally do that.” She turns her body a bit and leans right into kiss Ali, hand already running up the brunette’s side.

“Nuh uh.” Ali pulls back from the kiss right away and shakes her head, her hand going to still Ashlyn’s on her side. “Nice try…show me on you.”

_Duh, of course. _“Right.” Ashlyn lets out a little groan and leans back against the headboard again, letting her head thud slightly as it tilts back. She’s admittedly feeling a little self-conscious and not exactly sure how to get herself going, when she sees the brunette move in her peripheral vision. _Holy shit._ Her eyes go wide as she watches Ali tug at her own nipples.

“Touch those perfect tits, babe. Get those nipples so hard for me.” Ali leans into Ashlyn’s shoulder more so her mouth is near the woman’s ear.

_Anything you want, Alex. Anything. _Ashlyn’s hands move of their own accord, palms going right to her own breasts and giving them a slight squeeze before she starts lightly running her fingertips across her nipples.

“Mmm, yeah… there you go, sexy. That feel good?” Ali whispers.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn whispers back, definitely turned on at watching Ali work her own nipples which are already stiff. “God, you’re so damn beautiful.”

“You like pinching my nipples, Ash? Like sucking them into your mouth until they’re rock hard for you?” Ali rasps into Ashlyn’s neck.

“So damn much.” Ashlyn answers eagerly, tongue running over her lips, eyes still glued to the brunette’s chest.

“Show me, babe…show me what you do to get mine so hard.” Ali lightly nips the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“Fuck…ok.” Ashlyn pinches her own nipples, following it up with several firm tugs while they’re still held in her fingers. She lets out a soft moan at the little jolt that travels down between her legs.

“So good, gorgeous. Just want to put my hands all over you…put my tongue on those nipples, so damn hot.” Ali keeps it up, pinching her own nipples even harder and letting out a little moan.

“Killing me, Al. Jesus.” Ashlyn flicks her nipples a little faster, loving how Ali’s now look deep pink and so pebbled that they have to be sensitive.

“Yeah? Wanna see what you’re doing to me?” Ali spreads her legs wider and bites her lip, one knee going to rest on top of Ashlyn’s lower thigh. She slowly runs her hand down her own stomach and over her mound, pausing just a second before her fingers dip into her folds and hearing Ashlyn let out a tiny little whimper. She doesn’t linger long, pulling her hand away and holding up her fingers for Ashlyn to see. “Look at that. You make me so wet for you.”

“I’m so fucking turned on right now.” Ashlyn breathes out, one hand absentmindedly dropping down to rake against her lower stomach as her head cranes a bit to get a better view of Ali’s center.

“Let me see, babe. Show me how wet that beautiful pussy is for me.” Ali kisses the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder a few times as the woman complies and spreads herself wide open on command. She bites down on her lip hard when she sees the little wet spot on the sheets, Ashlyn’s folds completely glistening. “Oh fuck, Ash...you’re soaked. Gonna lose it just looking at you. Look how ready you are for me, sexy. Perfect, you’re absolutely perfect.”

Ashlyn’s mouth goes dry when she sees Ali’s hand go right down to rub her own clit, a purr in her throat at the sight.

“Mmmm, just want put my mouth on those soaking wet lips.” Ali keeps her eyes trained between Ashlyn’s legs as she furiously works on her own clit, making as much of a show of it as she can.

“Fuck, baby. I want your mouth on me too.” Ashlyn’s breathing is slightly deeper, one hand still on her own stomach while the other is now squeezing at her inner thigh.

“Earn it, Ash. You want me? Then come apart for me. Give me a delicious wet mess to clean up with this mouth.” Ali challenges her.

_Shit, this is insane. _Ashlyn is so caught up in watching Ali touch herself, so caught up in that sexy demanding voice that she doesn’t hesitate for even a second. Everything is out the window now, her body begging for some kind of release. “I’ll give you anything you want, Al. Fucking anything for you. Want you so bad.” She moves right into rub tight circles against her clit, head thudding back against the headboard again even as her eyes stay on Ali.

“That’s it, babe. So fucking hot. Stroke that clit so good for me. Show me how those perfect hands are gonna work me up for you.” Ali feels Ashlyn’s leg trembling slightly against her own, the woman breathing heavily in between soft little grunts. _Almost there, Ash. Doing so good, gorgeous. Just a little more._

Ashlyn works to shut down any doubts, focusing hard on the little electric sparks fluttering across her skin. She puts more pressure on her now swollen clit, doing her best to mimic what Ali is doing so she can keep the momentum building.

_Don’t try so hard, babe. Just let yourself go a little._ Ali hones in on the still somewhat stiff posture of Ashlyn’s body, the way the woman’s eyes are locked in on what Ali is doing between her legs rather than on herself. _Help her immerse herself in the moment. _Her mind quickly runs through the options.

“Ash… you’re dripping. That’s so damn good. I’m gonna need to…” Ali turns her body towards Ashlyn and runs a hand up her thigh. “Let me taste, gorgeous.” She gives the woman a meaningful look and hears a soft intake of breath, Ashlyn’s eyes finding her own and darkening. _There we go._

_Fuck. Breathe. God, she’s fucking everything. _Ashlyn’s brain takes a second to register the request before she runs two fingers through her own folds a few times and holds them up, watching them immediately get completely engulfed by Ali’s mouth. She gasps in pleasure as a soft tongue licks around her fingers, Ali’s moan vibrating her whole hand. “Alex…yes.”

“You taste so fucking good. I could eat you all day.” Ali gently sucks Ashlyn’s fingers one more time before taking Ashlyn’s hand and putting it back between woman’s legs, ready to really tip the scale now. “Give me more, beautiful. I want more of that.”

Ali’s words, her perfect mouth…it creates a deep tingle in Ashlyn’s belly that makes everything move. She doesn’t even think, she just acts. Her head tilts back again, her eyes close, her fingers go right back to rubbing her clit hard and fast. “Keep talking to me.” She pleads in a low groan, trying to grow the pleasurable ache between her legs into full blown inferno.

Ali turns her body and fully presses into Ashlyn’s side, mouth right near her ear again. “That’s it, Ash. Just like that, babe. Look at those amazing hands work. Nobody ever touched me like you, made it feel so good like you did. Show me how you did it… keep going. That feel good, sexy?”

“Yes…mmm, fuck.” Ashlyn croaks out quietly, eyes tightly shut so she can focus on nothing but Ali’s voice and the vibrating energy running through her body.

“I think about those hands all the time. How good your fingers are going to feel inside me.” Ali sucks Ashlyn’s ear into her mouth and earns a loud moan.

“God…Al… I’m getting close.” Ashlyn breathes out, her fingers working relentlessly against her clit as the mental images created by Ali’s voice run through her mind.

“You’re so wet and ready, Ash. You’re ready, baby… show me.” Ali licks just behind Ashlyn’s ear and gets ready to put her over the edge. “Show me how you’re good you’re gonna fuck me, Ashlyn. Show me how deep those long fingers are gonna get… how they’ll touch places inside me that no one ever has.”

“My god…fuck, fuck…” Everything runs on autopilot with zero thought because Ashlyn’s brain is too hazy to think. She doesn’t even recognize her own pleasured loud grunt as a wonderfully amazing pressure fills her lower belly. “Yes, yes, fuck!”

“Yes, Ashlyn. You are so beautiful… just like that, you’re gonna make me explode just watching you.” Ali lets out her own loud moan as she watches Ashlyn easily sink a finger inside herself, squeezing her thighs together at the positively delicious sight and finding herself hooked on the soft squishing sound in the air.

_So fucking beautiful, look at you_. _You’re gorgeous like this._ “Just like that, Ash. Goddamn, you’re going to fuck me so good, I can already feel it.” Ali sucks softly on the crook of Ashlyn’s neck, listening to the woman moan loudly and feeling her body quiver. _So close, come on, baby. Almost. _She can’t tear her eyes away from Ashlyn’s finger plunging in and out in earnest now. “Show me how you’re going to touch every inch inside me. Show me how you’ll make me scream for you, beautiful…how you’ll make me come apart all over you. Let me feel it.” She moves her hand to lightly cover Ashlyn’s hand that is steadily pumping away and just holds it still there for rest of the ride.

Ashlyn feels the loud drum of her own heartbeat in her ears, Ali’s hot breath on her neck, the brunette’s hard nipples against her arm…she’s desperately chasing after the release that is so damn close. And then a hand covers her own, the extra heat between her legs causing a rush of energy. “Alex…Al…I’m…oohhhh…” Ali’s kiss takes her away and it’s over…everything tightens and spasms, the air in her lungs gone.

“Yes, Ash…yes, baby. I’ve got you…I got you, beautiful.” Ali whispers in Ashlyn’s ear and holds the woman’s still clenched body tightly against her. “Just breathe. You’re wonderful.” She says sweetly and softly kisses all along Ashlyn’s shoulder, jaw, neck, and every other inch of skin within reach of her lips. “Just breathe.”

It takes a couple minutes before Ashlyn’s body starts to calm a bit. She melts into the way Ali is softly rubbing her back. Three words sit on the tip of her tongue, but stay glued there silently and replaced by three other words instead. “That was incredible.” Ashlyn pulls back slightly to look at Ali.

“There she is.” Ali gets drawn in by the shiny bright green eyes that look almost like their sparkling with little yellow flecks. “And yes, that was absolutely amazing.” She leaves a gentle kiss on the woman’s lips. “You’re amazing. Talk to me, how did that feel?”

“So, so good. Really comfortable. That was like no other experience I’ve ever had, seriously. It was so damn hot…just wow.” Ashlyn grins dreamily as everything Ali just said to her over the last half hour really settles into her mind. “You are just…” She trails off without finding the words.”

“I’m glad it was good.” Ali smiles back at her. “That’s a whole lot of smile there, Stanford.”

“That was a whole lot of filthy truth there, Harvard.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Well, I did read you the warning label ahead of time.” Ali laughs.

“And you’re my favorite poison, so no chance I was turning back at the warning.” Ashlyn chuckles. “Loved every second. Now I just hope my memory can eventually recall enough of that to help me out on a lonely night.”

“Well, maybe next time around you won’t have to go solo.” Ali looks at her meaningfully.

“Really?” Ashlyn asks hopefully, squeezing the brunette’s lower back a bit.

“If you feel comfortable trying, yes. It’s all up to you at this point.” Ali reaches up to hold Ashlyn’s cheek, stroking it with her thumb. “I’m really proud of you for working through everything so openly with me the way you have.”

“I really am ready. I just…I feel so comfortable with you. I can’t even explain it, but I couldn’t be happier that I’m doing this with you.” Ashlyn kisses the brunette’s forehead. “I’m so beyond thankful for you. And I’m so beyond ready to give it a go next time.”

“Then we will.” Ali hugs Ashlyn closer. “But you can always change your mind, no pressure. We’ll see how you feel next time and just roll with whatever happens…your pace, always your pace.” She reminds her.

“Well, you definitely fulfilled your pledge already.” Ashlyn laughs.

“What pledge?” Ali says quizzically.

“Penetration guaranteed in ten sessions or less or your money back!” Ashlyn exclaims in an announcer voice.

“I never said that!” Ali giggles and lightly taps Ashlyn’s bicep.

“Might as well have.” Ashlyn shrugs playfully. “And imagine if we didn’t detour that one session!”

“You’re trouble, Stanford.” Ali shakes her head.

“The best kind of trouble.” Ashlyn retorts jokingly before the two of them enjoy a few quiet minutes between them. “Hey Al?”

“What’s on your mind?” Ali lifts her head to look at the woman and is met with large hands coming up to hold her face gently.

“Whatever happens next, whether it works for me or doesn’t…just… you mean the world to me, sweetheart. You really do, no matter what.” Ashlyn whispers and kisses the brunette romantically, enjoying the now familiar ache that spreads in her chest.

_I love you. I love when you call me that…I just love you. _As soon as Ashlyn’s lips start to pull away, Ali pulls them right back for another kiss. “You mean the world to me too, Ash. I’ve never met anyone like you and I’m so happy you crossed my path, no matter what.”

Ashlyn tries not to get emotional as she silently wishes that nobody else ever has her heart the way Ali does just so that she’ll have to find her way back to this woman. “So, is there like a one orgasm rule per session?” She moves on from the serious conversation.

“Of course not, why?” Ali asks with a little laugh.

“Cause I’m pretty sure I earned something.” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow. “And you absolutely earned something that you didn’t get.” She knows damn well that Ali was too focused on her to orgasm herself.

“Yeah, I’d say we both earned some things.” Ali smirks and thinks for a second about how she might turn this into some kind of progress for Ashlyn. “Nothing too far from what we’ve done before, but how do you feel about trying a flavor a bit less bland than vanilla?”

“I like how that sounds.” Ashlyn nods eagerly. “What are you thinking?”

“Well…” Ali smiles deviously and gently rolls Ashlyn onto her back before hovering over her. She leans down and kisses her passionately, smiling into the kiss when she feels how wet Ashlyn still is against her thigh. _Perfect. _Before Ashlyn can even recover from the kiss, Ali quickly flips her body around over Ashlyn's and nestles her head between the woman’s legs.

_Oh my fucking god, yes. Look how perfect you are. _Ashlyn is almost paralyzed by Ali’s gorgeous glistening center right in her face. _She smells so damn good._ “Oh…oh god…Al…” Her hips buck up when she feels the brunette’s tongue swipe from her clit down to her entrance. _God yes. _She hears Ali let out a little moan and it’s enough to pull her out of her fog. “I fucking love flavors…” She mumbles out before curling her arms around Ali’s thighs and pulling the brunette’s wet heat as tightly to her face as she can.

\----

“Oh. My. Fucking. God.” Ashlyn exclaims between panting breaths, sprawled out her back, body still thrumming from the climax, Ali’s perfect ass still right on her chest as she hugs the brunette’s lower half against her, enjoying the amazing view for as long as she can. She can feel Ali’s chest heaving against her hips.

“Exactly what you said.” Ali gets out breathlessly, picking her head up to look back at Ashlyn as best she can before she drops it right back onto the woman’s thigh. “You are so fucking good at that. That was wow.” It’s easily the best mutual orgasm she’s ever had, and being one of her biggest turn-ons, she’s done it a lot.

“Mmmm, my new favorite flavor. God that was fucking fantastic.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“Oh yeah?” Ali finally finds the energy to right herself and climb up Ashlyn’s body. “Let me give you one more flavor then.” She kisses her slow and deep, letting the taste of herself blend with Ashlyn’s on her tongue. _Can’t get enough of her._

“Mmmm, well I love that one too.” Ashlyn leans up for a few shorter kisses, before pulling a smiling Ali down on top of her and just fully relaxing as their evening replays in her mind.

“You doing ok?” Ali checks in as usual.

“Never better.” Ashlyn assures her and keeps running her hand up and down the brunette’s inked side.

Ali knows she needs to get going soon, but has zero motivation to get up. It’s one of her favorite things about Ashlyn, the way this woman holds her so securely.

“Can I ask you an embarrassing curiosity question?” Ashlyn eventually breaks the silence.

“There are no embarrassing questions.” Ali puts her at ease.

“That thing you said before about my fingers and going deep… I’ve heard that from other women before. But like, you’ve been with a guy… that uh… that can’t possibly be true, right?” Ashlyn asks shyly.

“Well I sure wasn’t lying.” Ali smiles into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck. “Forgot you never did the guy thing. Trust me, you’re not missing out.” She laughs lightly.

“Come on, there’s no way.” Ashlyn prods further.

“Let me guess, informed your curiosity with some straight porn?” Ali questions.

“A very long time ago, but admittedly, yes. Is that bad?” Ashlyn asks.

“Nope, just highly inaccurate.” Ali explains. “Let me give you some Dicks 101…the average guy is about five inches. Heck, Brian was like five and a half on his best day.” Ali refers to her ex-husband. “Factor in hip angles and it really doesn’t get as far as you’d think.”

“Really?” Ashlyn says in disbelief.

“Truly. Which is why most women will tell you thickness is far more important. Plus, who wants their cervix slammed repeatedly anyway, no thanks.” Ali shrugs. “And all those porn sex positions, hell no. You’re pretty much working with missionary, some version of doggy style, and some version of a cowgirl for the most part. Most guys aren’t big enough to stay inside properly for much more than that. All that hardcore fucking against the wall crap is rarely a reality.”

“Hmmph, interesting.” Ashlyn considers it. “Also, really sorry I asked.” She cringes with a groan.

“Told you that you weren’t missing out.” Ali giggles and holds Ashlyn’s hand in her own, playing with the woman’s fingers. “Seriously, do you not see just how huge your hands are? I promise you, me and those other women were not playing around. You are lesbian hung, babe. I have no doubt that when we actually get there, you’ll boldly go where no one has gone before. Unless you count dildos, which I don’t.” Ali states playfully and pecks the woman’s jaw a few times. “Can’t wait.” She adds genuinely.

“Thanks for the lesson, teach… and the ego boost.” Ashlyn grins and puts her hand behind Ali’s neck, pulling her in and kissing her slowly before stopping to find her eyes. “I can’t wait either, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, are we all still breathing?  
Second, thoughts on Ali's approach this time around?  
Third, are you excited for the next session?


	24. Careful Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly early update for you since I have to do some holiday baking and travel today.  
You all didn't think I'd rush along this very important and potentially pivotal next session, did you? Nah, we're gonna take Ali's approach...slow and steady ;-) Take a breath while you can and enjoy the build-up, we'll get there!  
To those of you in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving!
> 
> Your comments truly make my day, so keep them coming!

Careful Words

“This stinks…it fucking reeks. I don’t like it.” Ashlyn taps her fingers on the desk, her posture stiff as she sits in her chair. Although she was updated while they were away, this is the first in-person discussion she’s having with Whitney and Megan about the meetings they attended in California.

“It kinda has from the beginning though.” Megan shrugs.

“I just…why are we even doing this?” Ashlyn’s voice is stern, far from her usually chill demeanor. “We don’t have an ownership stake anymore. We manage some technical aspects for fee and that’s how they generally treat us. Until shit hits the fan and then they pull us into ownership related business. Why do they do that? And why do we keep rolling along with it?”

“They do it because we’re a big name in the industry with a good reputation. If we stand with them, then they have better footing.” Whitney reasons. “And I guess for us, we’ve just always wanted to protect our baby, right?”

“But it isn’t our baby anymore, not even close! None of this is what we developed or envisioned. It’s strayed so far from that. Don’t you think? What are we protecting exactly?” Ashlyn challenges with a bit of bite.

“As an outsider of that particular aspect, I’m with her on that one.” Megan agrees with Ashlyn and looks at Whitney.

“No, you’re right.” Whitney concedes. “But it’s still synonymous with our name and it feels like we still have a stake in protecting that somehow.”

“And that’s the problem!” Ashlyn practically yells. “We don’t actually control any of Instagram anymore and yet it’s our name on the line. This shit that Facebook is up to, it’s not gonna stop. It’ll only get worse. People have no fucking clue how much they’ve opened up their private lives to these public entities and what can come from that. That was never our plan and still isn’t part of it. So why keep getting involved? It does nothing but hurt us.”

“Maybe it’s time to put some distance between ourselves and the name. They bought the product, let them deal with the PR problems and legal bullshit.” Megan offers.

“Exactly! Not. Our. Fucking. Job!” Ashlyn exclaims. “We’re paid to manage technical, we manage technical. Done. No more of this ownership involvement bullshit.”

“Right. They give us any shit and I’ll just throw their own contract at them.” Megan piles on.

Whitney lets out a long sigh. “Ok.”

“What, Whit?” Ashlyn looks at her pointedly, easily seeing her hesitation. “Just say it. This is just as much yours, you can disagree.”

“I don’t necessarily disagree with you.” Whitney starts. “You just seem so agitated right now. We’ve had this same discussion before and you’ve never been so adamant. What’s going on with you? Is everything ok?” She eyes Ashlyn pointedly.

“Nothing is going on. I’m fine.” Ashlyn completely holds back. It’s not that anything is really wrong exactly, she’s just a mess and she doesn’t want to get into it. As much as she’s excited for her session with Ali tomorrow, she’s also found herself incredibly nervous. She slept so well Tuesday night after Ali left, but by Wednesday afternoon she was already obsessing about this next session and unable to sleep well since. It hasn’t made for a very good weekday morning, especially not with the topic of this meeting which has always hit a nerve. “I’m just so sick of this shit and it just gets worse.”

“Yeah, I know. You’ve just never been so quick to abandon it, and suddenly…” Whitney trails off.

“The uptight CTO also makes a fair point. You do look a little off-the-handle, butch. Everything alright with Dr. Love? We haven’t gotten into more than basics over text.” Megan jumps in.

“Everything with her is great. Like I said over text, we’re going to try getting over the big hurdle tomorrow. I’m a little anxious about that obviously, but nothing crazy. I’m fine.” Ashlyn tries to come off as confidently as possible. “Anyway, I’m not saying we’re abandoning. I just think we need to pull away a bit and stop doing shit we’re not paid for anymore. We need to create some distance between our name and the Facebook empire…and that includes Instagram.”

“I’m with you on that approach. Just really sounded like you were ready to go full on rogue a minute ago, so I was worried.” Whitney says with some relief, although absolutely not buying that her best friend is perfectly fine.

“Yeah, you were definitely all cutthroat pirate back there, butchie.” Megan sides with Whitney.

“Sorry. I just think we need to be more conscious of our moves and make sure we draw some lines in the sand. Let’s put more investment into our future as opposed to our past. We’ve said we would and we haven’t, so it’s time. That’s all.” Ashlyn softens a bit.

“Sold!” Megan bangs her fist on Ashlyn’s desk like a gavel.

“With you as always, Sherlock. I agree we need to make some changes.” Whitney says with finality. “You looked wiped, Ashlyn. Why don’t you go home?”

“Trust me, staying busy is better.” Ashlyn refuses. “I just need the biggest coffee imaginable, my head is pounding.”

“Nothing like being a busy beaver to prepare your beaver to get busy!” Megan quips.

“That is so not helpful, Pinoe.” Ashlyn grumbles.

“Whatevs, I got your caffeine fix coming right up, butch.” Megan offers more sincerely. “You want one too, uptight CTO?” She looks at Whitney.

“Why not, I love when you serve me. Put those twig legs to good use.” Whitney teases.

“Sure thing. One double spit latte coming right up.” Megan winks and leave the room.

“Love you, Pinoe! You’re the best!” Ashlyn calls out appreciatively just to make sure her coffee is spit free.

“Hey, Ash…” Whitney pauses in the doorway for a final word. “I know your fear of not being able to get over this hurdle can get the best of you sometimes. If you need help wrangling it in, I’m here. Day and night, anytime for anything. Always.” She reminds her knowingly. This is a very big and very scary step for Ashlyn, and the woman’s tendency to cope with anything big is to deny that’s she’s struggling and deal with it on her own until it’s overwhelming.

“Thanks, Watson. Couldn’t do any of this without you. None of it. I mean that.” Ashlyn says genuinely. “Love you.”

“We’re a team, always have been. Love you too, Sherlock.” Whitney smiles. “It’s just hot sex, so get a fucking grip, Harris!” She lightens things with a laugh.

“Says the woman who’s about have her latte spit into.” Ashlyn snickers. “Enjoy that.”

“Watch it or I’ll spit in yours myself!” Whit counters in jest.

“One, you’re too refined for that. Two, I’m unrefined enough to drink it anyway.” Ashlyn retorts with a shrug.

“Touché!” Whitney shakes her head with a laugh and heads to her office, feeling more sure now that Ashlyn will reach out if she needs to.

“Uggggh.” Ashlyn lets out a loud groan when she looks at the clock. The day has already felt endless and it’s not even 10am yet. She’s tired, distracted, and not sure if she can take another full day running on fumes with a jittery stomach. “Pull yourself the fuck together!” She chides herself and turns to her computer in an effort to channel her nervous energy into a productive programming session.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Ali sits on her couch with her finger hovering over her phone, debating which direction to go in. No matter how ready or confident, every single client of hers has always gotten really nervous before this phase in their sessions. The first attempt at full penetrative sex reliably brings self-doubts and she’s sure Ashlyn is no exception.

With some clients, she lets them work through this on their own. With the others, she takes a more encouraging approach by exchanging a text or two the night before. But it’s Ashlyn Harris, and Ashlyn Harris has never been just another client. Tonight that leaves her internally debating whether to press the ‘send text’ button or just go right for the ‘call’ button that her heart keeps beckoning her towards.

\---

“Christ! Fuck!” Ashlyn yells, startled by her phone loudly vibrating and causing her to knock over one of the three coffee cups on her desk, thankfully one of the empty ones. Her already drumming heart pounds even harder when she sees that it’s Ali calling. _Shit, it’s kinda late… can’t be good._

“Hey, Alex. Are you okay? Did something come up for tomorrow? Do you need to cancel?” Ashlyn answers the call with a frenzied set of questions.

“Woah, ok…hi, Ash. By the sound of all that, I’m extra glad I called tonight.” Ali knows she has her work cut out for her. She can tell just from the woman’s greeting that she is wound tighter than a piano string. “Is this a good time?”

“Uh yeah. I’m just sitting here at work on my third cup of coffee when I should’ve and could’ve gone home like 4 hours ago.” Ashlyn confesses. “Just um, trying to stay busy I guess.”

“Sounds like that’s working out great for you.” Ali replies in a warm but sarcastic tone. “Now I’m just sorry I didn’t call 4 hours ago.”

“Well I always enjoy a call from you, but to what do I owe the pleasure of your voice tonight?” Ashlyn asks sweetly, feeling herself settle slightly.

“Just thought you might want to talk. I don’t want to presume how you’re feeling, so… how are you feeling about tomorrow?” Ali gets right to the point.

Ashlyn blows out a long sigh, not even sure she should get into it when she’s so tired, but she’s never been able to deny Ali anything. “Nervous, scared, anxious, excited, and did I mention nervous? Cause yeah, really fucking nervous.” She spills it.

“That’s completely normal. I promise. Haven’t worked with anyone yet that hasn’t felt that way beforehand.” Ali tells her.

“Really?” Ashlyn asks in a tiny voice.

“Complete truth.” Ali reassures her. “And it’s totally ok.”

“Thanks. I guess that makes me feel a little better.” Ashlyn admits.

“Can you talk to me about it?” Ali pushes for more. “What exactly are you feeling nervous about?”

“Yeah. Um. I guess likely what everyone else is usually nervous about.” Ashlyn scratches the back of her head. “Just maybe more so in this situation… well maybe not, I dunno.” She corrects after realizing that plenty of clients are probably in her shoes when it comes to having deep feelings for the brunette. How could they not?

“Slow down, babe.” Ali says gently at the vague ramble of thoughts. “Spell it out for me. Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.”

“It’s been a long time for me and obviously I want this to work, you know?” Ashlyn gets out the easier part before building up the courage to say the rest. “But I also want this really badly with you. I want it to work with you… it means something to me with you.” She explains without putting deeper words to it that will open the very complicated can of worms she’s been trying hard to keep shut. “I’m just freaking out that I’ll fail, you know?”

_It means something to me too_. _I hope she knows that._ “Fail. Let’s stop there.” Ali puts her own feelings on the backburner for now, knowing her therapist side is more needed at the moment. “Let’s just be raw here…we’ve had some great sex together already, right?”

“Way more than great.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Were my fingers inside you, Ash?” Ali asks pointblank.

“No.” Ashlyn answers matter-of-factly, not sure what else to say.

“So we had non-penetrative sex, and that felt like a failure to you? It honestly didn’t feel that way to me, but maybe you felt differently.” Ali continues in a direct approach.

“Oh geez, no Alex. Not at all! God, that’s not at all what I meant…uh…” Ashlyn fumbles to backtrack. “I just meant more like I didn’t want to be unsuccessful at this next step…”

“Alright, so tomorrow when we have sex together… let’s say we don’t get to the penetrative part or it doesn’t go the way you hope. You’ll feel like it’s an unsuccessful failure? That’ll be your predominant emotion?” Ali piles it on with purpose.

“No, no! Ugh, fuck. I suck.” Ashlyn groans at herself and puts her hand on her forehead. _Fucking idiot, you’re blowing this._ She wants to crawl under her desk for good measure. “Christ, now I really know why you’re so fucking careful with words. I promise you, that’s not it at all.”

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m not upset.” Ali says soothingly. “I’m just trying to make a point. The vast majority of people use words far beyond their intention. It’s not necessarily bad, but it’s not always honest either. We use this words like ‘failure’ and ‘success’ and ‘love’ and ‘best’, etcetera in such grand ways. While that seems harmless, the truth is that those words can easily dictate how we feel without us even realizing. And if we use them so carelessly and they don’t truly match up with how we actually feel, then we get entangled in false feelings to live up to the careless words. Understand?”

_Brilliant as always, Alex. _“Yeah, I do. I get it.” Ashlyn nods to herself, the depth of what brunette is saying really striking a chord. While Ali’s extreme caution with word usage can make her a little nervous sometimes because she knows whatever comes out of the brunette’s mouth is dead-on honest, good or bad, it’s also one of the things she loves most about her and what makes her feel so comfortable being vulnerable with her too. “I’ll be more careful.”

“No need for that, really. That’s not exactly where I’m going with this.” Ali explains. “Ash, it’s ok to use grand words. I’ve heard you do it and I know they come from your heart. I feel that from you and I admire it. I get that I’m on the other end of being too cautious a lot of times. Anyway, what I’m getting at is to make sure those words aren’t defeating you. Make sure they match up to what’s really there. I know they usually do, but just make sure. That’s all.” Ali says thoughtfully. “In this case, I’m like 100% sure that ‘fail’ and ‘unsuccessful’ don’t quite match up, right?”

“You’re right. They don’t.” Ashlyn affirms. “Not a single second spent with you will ever be either of those, sex or not.”

“Ok, good. So hit me with some real then.” Ali presses.

“I just feel so connected to you in such a good way. Comfortable and in tune, and after everything…I want this moment I’ve been chasing for way too long to happen with you. I want it to feel good and not forced like I’m trying to pass some test, which is what it has felt like in the past when I’ve tried with other people. And I just know that if it’s with you, it’ll be right. And if it doesn’t happen, I guess I’m afraid to feel like I’ve missed that moment with you somehow. I want to be more patient with myself about it, but I’m really damn tired of chasing.” Ashlyn tries to express herself better.

_There we go._ “That’s so much better.” Ali says compassionately. “Everything you’re feeling is understandable and valid in every way. It’s ok to be impatient and nervous, and even to put the moment as you envision it up on a pedestal. Just try to temper how high that pedestal is, ok? Let’s do our best to make sure it’s not so high that it’s out of reach.”

“I can do that. You always make this seem so easy.” Ashlyn gives in.

“For as much as you have felt like this an endless battle, it is easy.” Ali says simply. “Can I tell you how I think this goes?”

“Please do.” Ashlyn finds herself feeling more enthusiastic.

“Tomorrow might be attempting another step, but it’s not a schedule. It’s not an agenda or a test like you said. We’re just going to be together and enjoy that, whatever it brings. If we end up trying, great. If not, it’s still going to be great, right?”

“Way more than great.” Ashlyn repeats again.

“Exactly. So don’t go into this with a plan…because I’m not. Just be with me and enjoy what’s in front of you at present. It’s that easy.” Ali tells her with calm confidence. “Be open with me and trust me like you always do. Let yourself wander along in the way you have every time up until now in both our emotional conversations and our physical interactions. And I have no doubt the moment is going to happen the way you hope.”

“You’re right. It really is that easy, isn’t it?” Ashlyn smiles and lets out a relieved breath.

“You know it, Stanford. We might be using some digits, but this isn’t computer programming.” Ali laughs softly at her own crude joke and hears Ashlyn give a little chortle. “How are we doing over there?” She checks in again.

“Feeling like I can breathe again and that maybe I won’t throw up now.” Ashlyn chuckles at herself.

“Perfect. Now that you’re not gonna heave… go home, get comfy, crawl into bed, and call me back.” Ali instructs.

“Oh really now…going for the full relaxation treatment, Harvard? Is this the part where we re-do the last session until I’m a pile of spent goo?” Ashlyn asks with raised eyebrows, already feeling a bit revved up for the dirty talk.

“Oh you fucking wish, Stanford!” Ali sasses back. “We’re just going to talk. You need to get some rest tonight, it helps.”

“Buzzkill.” Ashlyn plays back. “Kidding, that sounds nice. Alright well, I’m outta here then. Call you soon.”

“Can’t wait.” Ali replies with a smile. “Get home safe.”

\-------------------

“That was fast.” Ali answers her phone, surprised less than 30 minutes have gone by since she hung up with Ashlyn.

“I was lucky enough that Crystal was still in the office working on something. So, I told her to quit it and drive us home.” Ashlyn replies, pulling up the comforter on the bed up to her chin. Even though she sleeps in boxer briefs and a sports bra, she keeps the room temperature a bit chilly because she likes being snuggled under the covers. “So, hi.”

“Hi, gorgeous.” Ali says sweetly. “You in bed?”

“Yep, as instructed…all comfy and ready for you, beautiful.” Ashlyn replies with equal sweetness, already grinning at the pet name exchange. “So, what are we talking about?”

“I thought it would be nice to connect in a way that we already know is soothing to you and will hopefully help you relax tonight.” Ali reasons. “This would be better in person, but I have it memorized enough to visualize properly. So, tell me about the rest of your ink…your legs.”

“You know me too well.” Ashlyn smiles as she feels the usual flutter in her stomach that Ali always seems to bring about so easily.

“Not well enough to know about that ink. Didn’t think I was gonna forget about it, did you? Your thighs are like an ocean theme, right? And you’ve never told me what exactly it is about the ocean for you...” Ali trails off softly.

“There wasn’t much to do where I grew up...not many places to escape to. The ocean was everywhere and it was one of the only escapes.” Ashlyn dives in immediately. “It was always this tranquil thing. Something to connect to that felt like it had some bigger meaning I guess. And also kind of terrifying really.”

“What do you mean?” Ali asks, not sure about the contrasting statements.

“Well usually the ocean was a reliably comforting presence…ebb and flow of waves and tides, sunrises and sunsets shimmering on the water. But then there were storms and hurricanes, times when it would rage and literally rip things away.” Ashlyn describes it as best she can.

Ali stays quiet and just listens.

“I used to surf a lot back home, spend hours on the water like it was therapy. One day, I was out there just sitting on my board and a tiger shark popped up right beside me.” Ashlyn recounts, remembering the fear she felt even to this day. “Thing was at least 9 feet long. I fucking freaked out. It was right there, so close that I could see the striped markings on it. I just pulled my legs up and hoped to god it didn’t attack me. I spent the longest 15 minutes of my life like that until it stopped circling me and swam away. I paddled in as fast as I could, sure it was still gonna attack me from out of nowhere any second.”

“Holy crap, I’d die! I’d never put so much as a toe in the water ever again.” Ali exclaims.

“Oddly, it only took me like 2 weeks to get back in the water after I researched sharks better.” Ashlyn laughs softly. “Anyway, as much as people in Florida talked about sharks, I had never given it much thought. Being up close like that, it was the first time I really realized the dark side of the ocean…all the danger it harbors in the seeming tranquility. And I really connect with that duality…the calm and the storm, the inner darkness that can live within the peace.”

“Wow.” Ali whispers. “All the things we’ve talked about… I can really see that. I get it.”

_Of course you do…you always do._ “That’s why I like to talk near the water. I feel comfortable there whether at peace or at war with myself.” Ashlyn reveals.

“I like to think I’m a deep person, but I’m quite shallow next to you. Ocean pun intended.” Ali says lightly.

“Cute, Harvard.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“I try. So that’s why the shark part of the tattoo?” Ali follows up.

“Pretty much. I’ve been fascinated with sharks since then, even as terrifying as they are. Became my spirit animal in the way that I like to approach things head-on and with confident ferocity.” Ashlyn replies.

“That’s bad ass.” Ali says genuinely.

“I like to think so. Whit thinks I’m ridiculous.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Well from what you’ve told me, Whit strikes me as more of a starfish, sooo…” Ali says playfully and smiles when she hears Ashlyn belly laugh. The jovial sound making her giggle too.

“Oh my god, I love it! I’m so gonna use that!” Ashlyn guffaws. “You have her pegged perfectly.”

“I moonlight as a comedian in my spare time.” Ali jokes.

“You wish, Harvard. I won’t get into your advanced level of lame right now.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Rude!” Ali pretends to be offended before getting back to the conversation. “So, is the rest of that tattoo a Poseidon to symbolize the storm and calm of the ocean?”

“Very close. You have the general symbolism right. But it’s actually Triton, Poseidon’s son. I chose Triton because while he could raise the ocean in storm, just like Poseidon, he wasn’t quite so flippant and he was more known to blow his horn to calm the seas. That fits me better a whole.” Ashlyn explains.

“I love that. And I completely agree, that fits you far better.” Ali replies, ever awestruck by this woman’s profundity. “How about the mermaid?”

“Also mythology based. They’re depicted as beautiful and alluring to those who behold them, but deadly if you get too close. They are powerful seducers and persuaders, able to draw people in even when they know the danger. It’s the ultimate metaphor of passion overruling the analytical and rational mind.” Ashlyn details. “It’s my reminder that the things we are attracted to don’t always have to make sense. That it’s ok to be captured by odd and unexplainable things without knowing why or overthinking. To let yourself get caught up if feels right in your gut without always questioning it so that you can find the beauty in life, even if it bites you in the ass sometimes.”

“You blow me away, Ashlyn Harris.” Ali says reverently, completely entranced by this woman as if she were an actual mermaid right now. “I mean that, you’re really something special.”

_Always trying to make my heart stop._ Ashlyn feels the blush work into her cheeks at the candid statement. “Likewise, Alex Krieger. You’re far more than special, but I haven’t found the right vocab word yet.” She replies with warm charm.

“Well I do like that I’ve stumped the Stanford girl.” Ali snickers.

“Of course you do, Harvard snob.” Ashlyn plays back and earns a little scoff from the brunette.

“So, you also never quite told me the full reason behind all this mythology interest of yours.” Ali prods.

“Story for another night.” Ashlyn replies.

“This is the second time you’ve rebuffed me on that.” Ali points out.

“I’m not ready to reveal just how odd I can get with my love of wild theories.” Ashlyn says lightly.

“You do know I’m not really gonna think you’re weird no matter what you say, right?” Ali reminds her.

“I know that. I promise I’ll tell you…just not before we get to where I hope we go tomorrow. Wouldn’t want to lessen my sex appeal in any way before we get seal the deal.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Whatever you say, babe. But I’m holding you to that, cause now I’m really dying to know!” Ali warns.

“Fair, but it’s probably not as interesting as you’re thinking. So, keep that pedestal low, baby.” Ashlyn replies sassily.

“Alright, alright…I’ll drop it for now, moving on. I’ll admit I’m lost when it comes to those lower leg tattoos. Seems like a very American theme to me, but you don’t strike me as being particularly patriotic.” Ali keeps going.

“You’re right, I’m not particularly patriotic. However, I’m a bit more American than most.” Ashlyn says mysteriously.

“Curiosity piqued, keep talking.” Ali implores her.

“My lower leg is my heritage. The skull with the headdress is because I’m part Seminole, from my mother’s side.” Ashlyn reveals.

“That’s so fascinating.” Ali replies with great interest.

“I’m technically not an official tribe member or anything, but my mother was. Seminoles require a one-fourth blood lineage, which my mother had. I’m only an eighth. A lot of native tribes require an eighth or even a sixteenth, but Seminoles are more restrictive. More restrictive about a lot of things really.” Ashlyn elaborates.

“What do you mean?” Ali easily hears the slight bite in Ashlyn’s tone at that last part.

“They’re a very proud and traditional tribe as a whole, to a fault. Did you know they were the only native tribe never to sign a peace treaty with the U.S. federal government?” Ashlyn imparts some knowledge.

“I shamefully admit that I don’t know any real Native American or America Indian history outside of the likely highly inaccurate and probably very offensive stuff I learned in middle school.” Ali confesses.

“That’s ok, I didn’t either until I realized it was a part of me.” Ashlyn assuages her and continues. “So, not only are Seminoles restrictive about blood lineage, but up until like the 1950s they were entirely intolerant of marriage outside of the tribe. My maternal great grandfather and his ancestors were full Seminole…and he married an Englishwoman named Elizabeth Miller.”

“Yikes.” Ali grimaces.

“Major yikes. Members of the Seminole tribe killed him shortly after my maternal grandfather was born.” Ashlyn says evenly.

“That’s awful. I’m really sorry.” Ali says apologetically.

“Amazing how intolerant humans can be even within their own oppression.” Ashlyn says glumly. “At least now the Seminoles are far more tolerant in that regard, that’s good.”

“Thank god for that.” Ali affirms.

“But yeah, my mother was officially a registered tribe member by blood even though she never lived with any of the tribe groups or on a reservation or anything like that.” Ashlyn reiterates. “With my personal family history, I opted for a cracked skull with the red-detailed headdress to represent not just my native heritage, but the dark struggle that came with it.”

“I mean this is a good way… I find that to be a beautifully tragic tribute.” Ali says genuinely.

“Thanks, pretty much what I was going for.” Ashlyn replies. “And the Lady Liberty is the other side, my paternal heritage, even though it took me a lot longer to want to delve into that.”

“More than understandable.” Ali acknowledges.

“Arthur Harris is as far back as I was able to learn about. He was a coal backer, spent his early life hauling bags of coal from barges to shore wagons in Northern Wales until he was forced into the British Army during World War I. He got trench foot within the first year of the war and got a foot amputated. He came home to learn that his wife and child had died in labor and he could no longer earn a living as a coal backer.” Ashlyn tells Ali everything she knows about it.

“That’s about as rock bottom as you get.” Ali commiserates.

“Definitely. He immigrated to the U.S. in 1912, with absolutely nothing but the hope that he’d have a better chance here. Went through Ellis Island, that’s how I found out about him to begin with.” Ashlyn explains. “Amazing story. He got an education here, married a fellow English immigrant and nurse named Clara Baker. They had two sons, Peter and James…James was my great grandfather.”

“Wow, who knew you were so English.” Ali smiles.

“Very, darling. Perhaps I should serve you tea and crumpets next time.” Ashlyn jokes in a British accent and grins at Ali’s sweet laugh. “Anyway, the coolest thing…Arthur Harris was the man who helped Henry Ford engineer the moving assembly line.”

“That’s incredible!” Ali says in wonderment.

“Really is. I just felt like the Liberty was such a symbol of that. ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door’.” Ashlyn quotes.

“I love that.” Ali replies, never quite fully appreciating the expression inscribed on the statue that graces the skyline of the city she was raised in.

“I feel pretty connected to coming from nothing and making it everything. I guess I’ve very much lived that kind of life myself in many ways.” Ashlyn says meaningfully.

“Absolutely. And worked your ass off for it. For the record, I think you’re remarkable like that…but pretty sure I’ve made that clear.” Ali will never cease to be in awe of this woman.

“Eh, just a kid trying to outrun life and getting really lucky, but thanks, Alex.” Ashlyn responds humbly. “You on the other hand, nothing short of inspiring.”

“I prefer your confidently ferocious shark to your modest mouse, Stanford.” Ali teases and giggles at their trading of superlatives. “Not gonna convince me that you’re not exceptional, so stop trying.”

“Whatever you say, Harvard.” Ashlyn laughs. “Well, I think that’s officially all the ink. Unless of course I feel motivated to get a new piece tomorrow morning.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you.” Ali jokes back.

“Me either.” Ashlyn admits.

“How are you feeling right now?” Ali checks in again.

“Secure.” Ashlyn says the first word that comes to mind. She couldn’t feel more at ease at the moment, taking a minute to appreciate the soothing affect that the brunette has on her even in simple conversation. “Comfortable. Really damn sleepy.” _She’s perfect._

“That’s really good, Ash.” Ali says in a soft sweet voice. “How about closing those eyes and getting rest?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn agrees easily, letting out a content little sigh. “Alex?”

“Yeah?” Ali replies.

“You’re wonderful. I mean that. Thank you for calling me tonight. For knowing I needed you.” Ashlyn voice is low and just slightest bit emotional.

“Thanks for talking to me tonight. I always enjoy every second.” Ali replies truthfully. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise it’ll be great no matter what.”

“Way better than great.” Ashlyn repeats for a third time tonight with a huge grin and a pleasant ache in her chest. _Love you so damn much. _“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“You know it.” Ali can hear the woman’s smile through the phone, her own beaming one appearing on her face at the sweet nickname spoken in that little drawl she can’t get enough of. “Sweet dreams, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, predictions for what actually happens in this next session? Your only hint...it's split into two chapters ;-)


	25. Dance...With Me (Session 11-Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next session is broken up into two parts, and you'll soon see why. It's about to get real up in here, folks! Here. We. Go!
> 
> As always, let me know what you think in the comments :-)

Session 11 (Part 1): Dance…With Me

“I feel like you’re avoiding me. Why are you avoiding me?” Kyle waltzes into Ali’s bedroom, plopping down on the edge of her bed.

“Hmm? Who is what? Why are you here?” Ali picks her head up off the pillow groggily and looks at the clock, dropping it right back down. “It’s not even 8am.” She whines, having planned to sleep in since she has a rare completely free morning with two clients having cancelled for vacations.

“That’s where the latte comes in.” Kyle holds a Starbucks cup in her direction.

“Ugh, still going back to sleep when we’re done with… whatever this is.” Ali reluctantly sits up and takes a sip before motioning between them. “And what exactly is this by the way?” She asks quizzically.

“This is me wanting to know why you’ve been avoiding me.” Kyle raises an eyebrow.

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” Ali contends. _Well maybe a little._ She did let one of his calls go to voicemail over the weekend and opted to talk to Syd instead, but she’s not actively avoiding him.

“Well you haven’t exactly been blowing up my phone, hunny.” Kyle holds his phone up for effect.

“Sorry, just been caught up in things.” Ali assures him.

“Mmhmm, or someone.” Kyle mumbles under his breath.

“What?” Ali doesn’t catch what he says as she takes another sip of coffee.

“Nothing important. Anyway, let’s fix this unintentional avoidance shizniz immediately…movie tonight?” He asks hopefully.

“Rain check for tomorrow maybe?” Ali offers.

“Noooo, whyyy?” Kyle frowns.

“It’s Friday. I have a client session.” She informs him.

“Right. But you’ll easily be home by like 8pm, we can do a late movie.” Kyle suggests.

“Not tonight, it’ll very likely be a longer session.” Ali gives him a knowing look.

“Oh my goodness, is this like the big ol’ ‘third date’ session?” Kyle uses air quotes with his fingers. He realizes immediately because Ali always spends extra time at this point to help bring the person back to some calm from whatever the usually intense experience brings.

Ali rolls her eyes at the way he uses that moniker for this phase in her sessions. “As you well know, I never quite know how it’ll go, but yeah, that’s the general plan.”

“Oh my, I feel like this really snuck up on me.” Kyle puts his hand on his chest.

“Well I do like to structure my sessions so that you feel personally attacked.” Ali deadpans and shakes her head at him.

“Whatever. No wonder you’ve been all squirreled away. Sooo, are you nervous?” Kyle questions.

“When am I ever nervous about this?” Ali replies evenly.

“Well never, but Als…it’s _her_.” He raises his eyebrow and looks at her pointedly. “You can’t tell me it doesn’t feel different than normal.”

“Duh. But I’ve come to terms with what I’m feeling and how it has to be.” Ali says resolutely.

“Oh. Em. Gee! You told her you love her and want to have her babies!” Kyle narrows his eyes and playfully rubs his hands together.

“What?! Of course not!” Ali glares at him.

“Well then why the fuck not?” Kyle throws down. “What happened to ‘going all in with this thing’?”

“Look, there’s been clear acknowledgement that we feel a whole lot for each other…on both sides. But to say that there has been any throwing around of concrete phrases…there hasn’t, and that’s fine. And there probably won’t be.” Ali explains. “I’m still all in.”

“How can you be all in if you don’t explicitly tell her how you really feel?” Kyle challenges.

“Because I can’t, you know that. Doesn’t mean I’m not all in. It’s inappropriate in this power dynamic. Absolutely not ok for me to be the one to initiate a conversation like that.” Ali defends herself.

“Oh.” Kyle feels bad for bringing it up now that he understands exactly why it hasn’t happened. “So, she hasn’t said it to you?” He asks more quietly.

“No.” Ali gives him a tight smile. By now, most clients have dropped the ‘I love you’ bomb on her. As with everything else, Ashlyn Harris has been the exception.

“And if she eventually does?” Kyle inquires.

“Then she’ll get my honest reply, just like everyone else.” Ali says simply.

“And that will be…” He presses.

“For her ears only.” Ali says with finality.

“You suck.” Kyle sticks his tongue out.

“All the more reason for you to get out and let me sleep.” Ali sticks her own tongue out in return.

“Such a killjoy!” Kyle mock complains. “Movie tomorrow night, you’re not getting out of it!”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Ali says more sweetly. “Thanks for the coffee and the chat, even though I could kill you for waking me up.” She leans over and kisses his cheek before getting back under the covers.

“So lazy.” He lightly tosses a throw pillow at her before kneeling down by the bed and taking her hand. “Good luck today, Al. I’m rooting for whatever it is your heart hopes for.” He kisses her hand.

“Thanks, Ky. Love you.” Ali smiles at him.

“Of course I could root harder if I knew exactly what that was.” He tries one more time as he gets up.

“Out!” Ali points to door.

“Geez, fine! Love you too!” Kyle huffs as finally leaves.

Ali sighs and lets out a soft groan, burying her head into the pillow. She thinks for a minute about how maybe Kyle is right. Shouldn’t she be even a little nervous this time? Maybe. But she’s not for some reason and immediately wonders if that’s good or bad until she feels her eyes get heavy. She settles on being glad that she’s not nervous for the time being, ready to get some more sleep and relieved she still feels tired enough to drift off.

\------------------------------------------------

“Come on, couple more!” Ashlyn grunts out to motivate herself midway through her tenth set of bench presses. She pushes through knowing it’s the last set she can get in before she has to shower and get ready for the evening.

After some solid sleep thanks to the call from Ali last night, she answered some work emails this morning and then got her fade cleaned up before diving right into a long workout session in an effort to maximize her confidence. She’s worked her whole body so that every single muscle is firm and showing. It’s something that has always made her feel secure, a visual reminder that she is strong. And not that Ali has ever been anything other than highly complimentary about her physique, but she figures it sure can’t hurt to look as good as she possibly can naked.

She stands in her closet debating her clothing options after a shower, eventually reaching for a pair of shark print boxer briefs. She has been keeping her underwear choices pretty plain up to this point, but now that she’s revealed her shark obsession, no reason not to have fun with being more expressive. She opts for comfort and chooses a pair of gray joggers before starting to grab a plain white t-shirt and then thinking better of it. Her eyes close briefly, mind going right to the visual of Ali so carefully undoing each button of her shirt with a spark of excitement in those whiskey eyes, like the woman was opening an expensive gift. With a smile plastered on her face, she reaches instead for an olive green button-up shirt and doesn’t bother to pick out a bra.

With just about 45 minutes left to go before Ali arrives, Ashlyn finds herself slowly pacing the penthouse and unsure what emotion to settle on or whether she should settle on one at all. She goes back to the phone conversation last night, working hard to remember that no matter what…_today will be great._

She tries to keep her nervousness at bay, directing her attention to how she might want today to go. The brunette will undoubtedly want her to be very vocal, so how exactly does she want this to happen? Does she want Ali to try right away? Does she want to know when it’s about to happen, or not? Does she want Ali on top or beside her, using her mouth simultaneously or just her hands? The options are endless and she finds herself immediately overwhelmed at not being able to concretely answer a single one of those questions.

_Chill. Don’t freak out…it’s just Alex, just you and her. Stop thinking and chill. _Ashlyn heads back up to her bedroom and turns on some music. She plops into the chair by the window and takes some slow deep breaths, her eyes focused on the ships making their way along the Hudson River below. _There we go, nothing but breathing. You got this._

It’s only a few minutes before the vibration in her pocket breaks her concentration. She takes out her phone and sees a text notification from Ali.

_Alex Krieger: I’m here whenever you’re ready, just let me know._

“She’s early.” Ashlyn whispers to herself seeing that it’s only just past 3:30pm. She’s nothing short of happy about it, but also intrigued seeing as how the brunette is never anything but right on time. She’s about to type a reply when another text comes in.

_Alex Krieger: Also, is there any kind of security surveillance in your elevator?_

Ashlyn’s forehead wrinkles in confusion, now even more intrigued.

_Ashlyn: Always ready for you :-) You’re an odd duck, Harvard. There’s a camera in there, but I’m the only one that can activate it & I only do that when I’m away. So definitely no surveillance in there at the moment. Should I even ask why? _

_Alex Krieger: Nope. Quack, quack! Odd duck will be up in a minute._

“Alrighty then.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a smile, quickly making her way downstairs.

\--------

_Dear lord. _Ashlyn’s jaw drops, her feet rooted to the floor as the elevator door opens to reveal Ali wearing absolutely nothing but a radiant smile on her face and a stylishly messy bun on her head, her discarded clothes draped over her arm with her shoes in her hand.

“Woah…wow, Al…” Ashlyn tries to make her brain work as she takes in the naked vision on front of her. “Whew, well that has certainly never happened in my elevator before.” A dimpled grin takes over her face. “God you’re beautiful.” She says in complete awe, still not over it no matter how many times they’ve shed their clothes now. “So perfect.” She adds in a barely audible whisper.

“That was even better than I was hoping for.” Ali smirks and unceremoniously drops her clothes near the coat rack, walking right up to Ashlyn and kissing her soundly. “Hi you. You’re adorable.” The plan today is to keep Ashlyn on her toes a bit so the woman doesn’t have time to get too nervous, so far so good. She smiles at the strong arms wrapping around her shoulders.

“Hi. Always blowing me away.” Ashlyn pulls the brunette into a tight hug and smiles into her hair as she breathes her in, content but also still filled with more emotions than she knows how to handle.

_She’s overwhelmed. _Ali can immediately feel the desperation of the hug, the tension in the muscles that hold her close. “Hey.” She pulls back to find hazel eyes that look a bit distracted. “It’s ok, babe. It’ll all be ok.” Her thumb strokes Ashlyn’s cheek. “Just stay with me and relax as much as you can. And breathe. Just like we talked about.” She reminds her.

“Ok, promise.” Ashlyn nods and rests her forehead against the brunette’s, taking a minute right now for a few calming breaths. “Can’t believe you just stripped in my elevator. Bold, Harvard, so bold. The security camera question makes so much sense now… and now I wish I activated it.” She snickers and feels Ali pinch her side playfully.

“Can’t say I’ve ever done anything like that before, but I do like getting points for originality.” Ali giggles. “Your face was totally worth it. Besides, there’s no time to get nervous when you have some tits in your face, right?”

“You are one special woman, Alexandra.” Ashlyn shakes her head playfully. “But you’re not wrong. Nervous was definitely off the table there.”

“Good, I like being right.” Ali winks and keeps one hand moving along Ashlyn’s lower back. “Let’s try to keep nervous off the table as much as we can.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn agrees. “You weren’t totally right though.” She challenges.

“Oh really?” Ali cocks her head to the side.

“You said ‘tits’. Wrong. It’s amazing tits…flawless, jaw dropping, amazing tits.” Ashlyn runs her thumb just underneath the swell of brunette’s right breast to make her point.

“Easy there, Stanford charm.” Ali laughs and kisses her cheek. “You’re not nearly undressed enough and, unless we’re staying down here today, not nearly close enough to the bed.”

“I could’ve been more prepared if I knew you were going to go all exhibitionist in my elevator.” Ashlyn teases as she motions to her own clothes.

“Nope, it’s not as fun if you’re prepared.” Ali smiles. “Plus, then I wouldn’t have been able to…” She trails off, fingers already undoing the top button of Ashlyn’s shirt and moving right to the next.

“You know, I actually picked this shirt just because I really like the way you…” Ashlyn watches the third button come undone as the brunette’s fingers barely graze the center of her chest. “This, I really like this part.”

“Me too.” Ali holds the sweet hazel gaze, taking her time with each button. “Liar, you were prepared.” She comments at the lack of a bra and captures Ashlyn’s lips gently as she pushes the shirt off the woman’s shoulders, breaking the contact a few seconds later to bend down and work her joggers off. “You really are adorable.” She looks up with a grin, pointing to the shark boxer briefs.

“Dang, I was going for ferociously sexy.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Well, maybe if I ignore the shark boxers.” Ali jokes before her eyes focus on Ashlyn’s torso which looks more defined than she’s seen it so far. “Damn babe, what did you eat this week?” She asks reverently as she unconsciously bites her lip, now noticing how the woman’s whole body seems a bit more sculpted.

“Oh, uh… I may have channeled all that nervous energy into exercise over the last few days.” Ashlyn shrugs shyly, her breath catching in her throat when Ali’s hand finds her stomach, those eyes looking darker now.

“Ya think?” Ali runs her fingertips down Ashlyn’s abs before completing the task of getting her boxers off, leaving a little kiss on her hipbone before standing back up. “There. Up we go, gorgeous.” She entwines one of her hands with Ashlyn’s and tugs her towards the stairs.

\------

“Oh, I really like this song. I’m betting it’ll be the hit single off this new album.” Ali comments when they get to the top of the stairs and she hears _Rainbow_ by Kasey Musgraves playing in the bedroom.

“Good bet. I’ve only heard it like twice though. This is one of those Spotify genius mixes. I was uh, just trying to chill a bit and picked the options ‘female lead’ and ‘slow vibe’. Seemed like a good idea.” Ashlyn explains as she scratches the back of her head with one hand. She reaches for the remote control on the little reading table to partially close the shades and give them a little privacy now that clothes have already been shed.

“That musical combo sounds like a winning choice to me.” Ali agrees and watches Ashlyn’s demeanor closely. She doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable by any means, but she also looks far from the relaxed and confident level that Ali is aiming for. She goes with what feels natural, walking over to Ashlyn and wrapping her arms around her waist, leaving a few kisses on the back of her shoulder. “Dance with me.” Her request is spoken almost instinctually before she can fully register why that was her go to right now.

Ashlyn turns around in the brunette’s arms and grins with a little nod, her heartrate picking up. Her hands go to Ali’s lower back and hold her close, the brunette’s arms now draped around her shoulders and neck. “Naked slow dancing is a first.” She admits, kissing the top of Ali’s head and breathing her in again.

“I’m just winning all kinds of originality points today.” Ali smiles into the woman’s shoulder. _She always smells so damn good, and those hands._ She’ll never get enough of the way Ashlyn holds her so gently, but also so securely.

They sway slowly to the music for a minute, enjoying the closeness of each other. Fingertips move ever so slightly across warm skin, both of them quickly lost in the moment until the song ends and breaks them out of it.

Ashlyn feels a bit unsure of what comes next, pulling back just slightly to get some kind of cue_. Love, care, desire, a little concern_…she’s immediately captivated and drawn in by what she sees in Ali’s stare. Those eyes, that vibrant smile just beneath them, the fingers tracing patterns on the back of her neck… they’re all that exist right now.

For all of the experiences Ali has had, this is one feels so much more intimate than most. She suddenly feels a little desperate to hold onto whatever is happening, not ready to let go of the way Ashlyn is looking at her. “I don’t know this one, but keep going?” She asks hopefully, starting to sway them again as the opening lines of a song she doesn’t recognize fill the air.

“It’s _Four Walls_ by Broods.” Ashlyn nods and replies matter-of-factly, not trusting herself to say anything more right now as she holds the brunette closer to her.

_And I'm trying hard to make you love me but I don't wanna try too hard_

_And I'm trying hard to take it lightly, but we're here now_

_Those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out_

_And those four walls now are home_

“Geez, this song right now…” Ali whispers out, the words hitting her hard when Ashlyn is looking at her like she’s the most important thing on the planet. Everything between them feels so wordlessly exposed but also in harmony, and it suddenly clicks in her mind why Ashlyn once said this was her favorite way to connect with someone. The realization immediately sparks her curiosity. “Ash…”

“Hmm?” Ashlyn hums quietly in response.

“In our early conversations, you said slow dancing was one of your favorite things. There’s been chances…why haven’t you asked me?” Ali asks gently, unable to come up with a reason for this being the first time they’ve done it when Ashlyn likes it so much.

Ashlyn’s heart thunders in her chest, thinking of a way to answer without giving everything away. “I’ve been scared to.” She replies softly, settling on vague truth.

Ali’s forehead wrinkles in concern, her hands going to hold Ashlyn’s face. “Why are you scared to dance with me?” She tries to understand why the woman has chosen to be closed off about this when she’s been so open about everything else.

Ashlyn shuts her eyes and lets out a deep sigh. “The same reason it scares you to kiss me, Alex.” She opens her eyes and looks at the brunette knowingly.

“Oh.” Ali replies a bit stunned as she recalls the words from her own vulnerable revelation_: Because it’s like this sudden insight after all this time that maybe it’s not that I don’t like kissing…maybe it’s just that I don’t like kissing the wrong people. And what naturally follows from that is…well…scary._

“Yeah.” Ashlyn sees the realization on the brunette’s face and rests her forehead against Ali’s, both of them still swaying slowly as they take it all in. She melts into the feel of Ali’s hands now running along the back of her shoulders.

_You're everything I need tonight_

_And I'm trying hard to make you want me_

_This song and my fucking heart right now_. “I wish you could be.” It’s out of Ali’s mouth candidly even as her mind still works to processes everything she’s feeling. “My right one.” She clarifies when Ashlyn looks at her curiously.

“Do you mean that?” Ashlyn’s voice is low and squeaky, the declaration pummeling her like a wave as the dam breaks opens. _This is it. _Ali’s confession rips away every ounce of resolve she has left.

“With all my heart.” Ali replies in sweet truth, thumbs stroking along the stubbly hair on the woman’s neck.

_Those three words now are the only thing that came to save me_

_Those three words now are home_

A tingling ache spreads through Ashlyn’s chest, down into her stomach, her legs starting to shake. Her breathing gets heavier out of nowhere and she grips Ali’s lower back tighter with sweaty palms, sure that she might collapse.

“Ash, what’s the matter?” Ali asks worriedly at seeing her glassy eyes and the shallow breaths she’s suddenly taking.

“I can’t do this without… I told myself I wouldn’t…” Ashlyn desperately tries to get out even a single complete thought and finds herself failing miserably. “I can’t, but I don’t care anymore…and I…I wasn’t going to…”

“Hey, hey, slow down.” Ali works to settle Ashlyn even as her own stomach bubbles anxiously. She thought she knew where this was going a few seconds ago, but now she’s not sure what is happening. _I went too far. Is she backing out? _“Take a second, breathe and talk to me. It’s just me…whatever it is, it’s ok.” She hugs Ashlyn close for a minute, only pulling back to look at her again when her breathing seems a bit more regulated. “It’s ok.” She reminds her.

Ashlyn nods and lets her eyes flutter closed again for a few seconds because everything still feels like it’s spinning. _Just tell her. _She inhales deeply and finds reliably warm and compassionate whiskey gazing back like always and it’s all she needs.

“I love you, Alex.” It comes out shakier than Ashlyn hoped for and she clears her throat. “I have from the beginning. I need you to know that, need you to know what this all means to me. I’m so in love with you. And I know that for you this probably sounds like some way too grand and over-the-top madness, but I just don’t care how it sounds because it’s true. I love you so much…more than…” She struggles to find something meaningful enough and gives up with a sigh, “literally fucking everything, Al.” _There, it’s out. You did it. _Ashlyn doesn’t even have time to feel relief as she immediately steels herself for the practical response that she knows is coming so that it doesn’t rip a bigger hole in her heart than it needs to.

Ali wonders what her own facial expression looks like right now as her heartbeat pounds in her ears. She hopes there’s a huge beaming smile on it, but she’s not sure because she also feels like she might cry. For the first time in her life, she feels completely swept off her feet with no idea how to handle it. Ashlyn looks like a mix of both relieved and scared, and she knows she better pull herself together fast.

“I love you too.” Ali’s voice low and heavy with emotion. The sentiment seems too simple hearing it out loud, but it is that simple.

Ashlyn waits for the next part, but seconds tick by and Ali is just standing there looking at her expectantly with that glowing smile that can bring her to her knees. “That’s it?” She finally blurts out almost chaotically at the brunette’s surprisingly uncomplicated response.

“That’s it?” Ali repeats back with a raised eyebrow, swallowing down the little laugh in her throat at the adorably stupefied and hopeful look on Ashlyn’s face. “Mmm’kay, was maybe expecting a kiss or even a smile, but I guess ‘that’s it’ is alright too.” She cracks a little smile.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant.” Ashlyn groans at herself. “I was just expecting…”

“Careful words?” Ali finishes the statement knowingly.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn admits in a whisper.

“I know, I have a lot of those.” Ali holds Ashlyn’s face gently again. “Not this time. Sometimes there just aren’t careful words. I love you. That’s it.” She sees the goofy grin break out on Ashlyn’s face and everything thrums even harder inside. “And you’re right on this one...” She adds with her own beaming smile. “Those words aren’t nearly grand enough for this feeling, are they?”

“That’s how it feels to me.” Ashlyn replies and leans her forehead against Ali’s to anchor herself to something because this feels so surreal.

“Me too.” Ali pecks the soft pillowy lips just a hair from her own. “I really love you, Ashlyn Harris…” She pauses for effect with a happy little smirk, “more than literally fucking everything.”

Ashlyn’s hearty laugh is quickly lost in Ali’s mouth as the brunette captures her lips, one hand finding purchase in long sable hair as it immediately deepens. It’s measured, heated, so intensely romantic that it leaves both of their hands trembling against each other’s skin.

_Best kiss of my life. _Ali can hardly believe what she’s thinking and feeling, all of it counter to the way she’s always approached things. But it doesn’t matter, she just feels a lightness she can’t properly describe and all that matters is this amazing woman kissing her for all she’s worth_. I’m happy it’s you, Ash. No matter what, I’ll always be happy that it’s you._

Ashlyn whimpers at the way her lungs burn for air, not nearly ready to give up Ali’s warm mouth on her own. She intakes whatever minimal breath she can and kisses the brunette harder, pouring every ounce of emotion she can into it so that absolutely nothing gets left behind. _You actually love me. You love me._

Ali is the first to break away, burying herself into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck and holding her tight as both of their chests heave against each other.

_Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it_

_Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?_

_Have you ever looked fear in the face_

_And said I just don't care?_

_And it's only half past the point of no return_

_The tip of the iceberg_

_The sun before the burn_

_The thunder before the lightning_

_Breath before the phrase_

_Have you ever felt this way?_

Ali just now becomes aware of _Glitter in the Air_ playing, the song feeling impossibly more beautiful in this moment than it did several years ago when she watched P!nk perform it live in Madison Square Garden while doing an incredibly graceful aerial acrobatics routine. She can tell Ashlyn is honed in on it too by the way the woman is squeezing her more snuggly.

“You seriously didn’t plan this playlist?” Ali smiles against the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“I wish I was that good.” Ashlyn chuckles softly. “Maybe I should change it to our playlist before one of us professes our undying love?”

“Good idea.” Ali plays along. “Cause that would just be awkward.” She tries to deadpan, but fails with a loud laugh when she hears Ashlyn chortle.

“Google, play the playlist Breathe on Spotify.” Ashlyn commands her smart speaker, not wanting to let go of Ali even for the few seconds it’ll take to start the record player and really glad now that she thought to put together a Spotify playlist of their songs.

“Very smooth, babe.” Ali compliments with a smile. “Google, shuffle.” She adds her own command before pulling back enough to wink as Ashlyn. “Just keeping you on your toes.”

“You always do, Harvard.” Ashlyn jokes back, but quickly goes quiet as she gets lost in the way Ali is looking at her so lovingly. It catches her off guard at how genuine it is, how natural it is. _You really mean it. _“I just want to be with you...always.” She’s unable to hold back at all now.

“I know.” Ali says quietly with a tight smile, feeling the reality slip back in even if she doesn’t want it to. "You’re with me right now though.” She hates the words even as she says them, but that’s as far as this can go. Her fingers graze the back of Ashlyn’s shoulder soothingly as she watches the little flash of disappointment appear in green swirled hazel.

Ashlyn swallows down the lump in her throat and gives a tiny nod. There it is… the cautious and carefully constructed words that she had been expecting before. The ones that remind them of the limits that they both agreed to right from the start. It stings to know that what just happened between them changed everything and nothing at the same time. She won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, but somehow it’s still ok…because what she feels with this woman is million times better than anything else she’s ever had. _You love me and that’s all I need right now. I’m ready._

“Ash?” Ali whispers questioningly, not quite able to read the look on her face.

“Just tell me again.” Ashlyn pleads softly.

Ali smiles and runs her thumb over Ashlyn’s lips, her eyes never leaving hazel. “I love you, Ashlyn. All of you. Completely.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Ashlyn closes the distance and kisses her slowly this time, tender and deliberate because she doesn’t want to rush a single second.

Ali reluctantly pulls away from the emotional kiss after a minute, knowing it’s really important to capitalize on the intensity of the good feelings between them right now before either of them can dwell on the more solemn ones. She trails soft kisses along Ashlyn’s jaw.

“Come be with me.” Ali purrs in Ashlyn’s ear before looking at her and smiling at what she sees. _My perfect dimple. _She gets a surge of energy at that gorgeous grin directed at her, feeling totally confident now in what is ahead of them tonight.

Ali kisses Ashlyn’s hand sweetly before entwining their fingers and tugging her gently towards the bed, staying true to the light banter at the very center of their connection. “Bring it, Stanford girl.”

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, did we see the love bomb coming and do you think it's good or bad for them?  
I'm sure you know what's coming up in Part 2, but predictions on whether it goes well or not?


	26. Whole Lot of Woah (Session 11-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now the moment you've all been waiting for :::drum roll:::: Let's see if we reach a milestone or a road block!  
Hit me with all your thoughts in the comments and have a great end of the week :-)  
***See the end for an updated author contact note.****

Session 11 (Part 2) – Whole Lot of Woah

_“Come be with me.” Ali purrs in Ashlyn’s ear before looking at her and smiling at what she sees. My perfect dimple. She gets a surge of energy at that gorgeous grin directed at her, feeling totally confident now in what is ahead of them tonight._

_Ali kisses Ashlyn’s hand sweetly before entwining their fingers and tugging her gently towards the bed, staying true to the light banter at the very center of their connection. “Bring it, Stanford girl.”_

_Continuation…_

“Make sure you talk to me, a lot.” Ali reminds Ashlyn as the woman hovers over her on the bed. “We can stop, slow down, change things…anything you need, just tell me. You’re safe with me. You can trust me to listen and be careful with you.” She strokes along Ashlyn’s jaw with her thumb.

“I know, beautiful. Thank you.” Ashlyn leans her face further into the Ali’s hand. “You’re wonderful and I feel really good right now. Promise I’ll tell you right away if something changes.”

“Yeah well, also don’t forget to tell me if really good starts to feel really fucking good.” Ali gives her a devilish smirk.

“Trust me, you’ll definitely know.” Ashlyn half chuckles as she peppers her face with feather light kisses, letting out a little gasp when she drops down and presses their chests together before she finds Ali’s lips. _Nothing else feels like you do._ The way the brunette’s form so easily molds to her own, but also feels firm and solid, reliably strong and simultaneously supple…she’ll never get her fill. A tiny vibration catches in her throat at the heat of Ali’s hands dragging gently across her back.

Ali just immerses herself in the moment and lets Ashlyn set the pace. The hungry kiss, the hand trailing up and down her side, the strong thigh nestled perfectly between her legs… those are her world right now. The taste of this woman’s mouth and the powerful desire that comes with it make her feel like she’s simultaneously floating away and rooted securely.

“God, baby.” Ali whispers breathily as Ashlyn plants open-mouth kisses across her collarbone. She sharply intakes a puff of air at the warm tongue suddenly licking patterns just a hair away from the sweet spot on the back of her neck, which might cause an eruption all its own right now after that passionate kissing. “Mmmhmm, just…right there for a minute.” She mumbles the demand with her hand going to hold Ashlyn’s head in place, savoring the edge she’s already riding along with these soft teasing touches.

“From the very first second…most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You’re a dream.” Ashlyn murmurs against the brunette’s neck and feels goosebumps forming on Ali’s skin against her lips. “I want to love every inch of you first.”

“I’m right here, gorgeous…for you.” Ali encourages Ashlyn’s assertiveness, her back arching up at the thumb now rubbing circles on her nipple. This is usually how it goes, almost every client wants to focus on her first and ease into it. Still, if the focus stays on her for too long, it creates an ever growing opportunity for doubts to creep in. The trick will be to perfectly blend not rushing Ashlyn with moving things along at a good pace before anything hinders progress. That’s the last cogent thought she has as hot kisses move down the valley of chest, her already pebbled nipples begging for attention. “Babe, I need...” Ali sucks air in through her teeth as one of her nipples gets sucked between puffy lips, “Mmmmm, exactly that.”

“Perfect, you’re perfect.” Ashlyn’s mumbles as her tongue swipes over Ali’s nipple, her fingers busy making the other just as hard. _The taste of her skin, it’s heaven._ She hears the brunette let out a louder moan when she sucks just a bit harder, making her smirk and spend a couple minutes repeating that action while alternating from one breast to the other until Ali is squirming underneath her.

“My god, Ash…” Ali is desperate for more, cool air now replacing the warm mouth on her chest when Ashlyn captures her lips in a scorching kiss that steals any breath she had left. _I’ve never wanted anyone like this. _Her heart races faster and she feels like she might pass out. The kiss goes from heated to slow and loving in an instant, it’s like the woman can read her mind, like she immediately knows her every desire.

Ali lightly whines as Ashlyn’s lips pull away slightly over and over again, returning with one soft romantic kiss after another. _No one…ever. _Nobody has ever kissed her like Ashlyn does, and she’s pretty sure in this moment that nobody ever will. Her chest pangs at the thought and she quickly pushes it down, pressing her tongue into the woman’s mouth and letting herself get lost again. “I want you badly…so badly.” She finds her voice in between breaths. “Don’t stop kissing me.”

“I never want to stop kissing you.” Ashlyn replies, but still drags her lips down Ali’s neck and nibbles on her pulse point for a few seconds to let the brunette get some air. She leaves a few little pecks on her chin before finding darkened whiskey eyes and holding their gaze, her fingertips dance over the Harvard shield on Ali’s hipbone. “Stanford of the east.” She smirks and kisses Ali soundly again, letting her teeth drag across the brunette’s bottom lip as she pulls away.

“Oh you fucking wish…” Ali starts to playfully protest before her hips buck up involuntarily at the pleasurable jolt between her legs. “Mmmfuck…yes…” One hand grasps a strong bicep, the other trying to find purchase in the sheets at the feel of Ashlyn’s fingers gently swiping through her very wet folds before rubbing a few tight circles on her clit and repeating the action all over again.

“Stay right there, just like that. Please.” Ali begs, the soft pad of Ashlyn’s finger putting perfect pressure on her now throbbing bud. Her fist grips the sheet tightly when she remembers…_hands on her, always. _She quickly moves both her hands to Ashlyn’s shoulders and fans them out, holding her as firmly as she can while still giving the woman enough space to keep up the delicious friction where she needs it. She immediately hears Ashlyn let out a contented breath and her lips start to curl into a smile when she’s pulled into another whirlwind kiss.

For a split second, Ashlyn considers moving down to feast on the brunette’s center before thinking better of it. Ali is kissing her so passionately, those soft hands tightly gripping the back of her shoulders and holding her close, the brunette’s hips bucking against her hand, it all feels far too good to give up this position. Instead she just kisses her impossibly deeper, the two of them losing a bit of rhythm as Ali’s hips gyrate with increasing speed. It’s clear the brunette is trying hard to get her to move her hand lower, but she wants to be sure. “Baby, I’m yours if you want me.”

“Want you.” Ali barely manages to confirm as she gasps for air. “Hurry.” She adds quickly, feeling her own thigh muscles start to shake and knowing she can’t hold out too much longer. She captures Ashlyn’s lips again and exhales into the woman’s mouth when a long finger slowly slips inside her. “Ash, mmmm…another.” She mutters between kisses, just wanting to be completely consumed by this woman as soon as possible. “Oohh, god that’s even more amazing than I thought it would be…yes, yes, fuuuuck.” Ali yells out unabashedly when the woman complies, her hips moving to press herself further onto Ashlyn’s fingers. “Ash babe mmmmm, I was so, so right…you feel incredible.”

Ashlyn pulls away just enough to watch the stunning brunette moving underneath her. Her eyes briefly drop down to watch her fingers plunge into Ali’s center over and over again. “You are so hot…look at you, baby. I love being inside you, feels so damn good.” She husks in Ali’s ear and leaves a few sloppily kisses on her jaw. “Open your eyes Al, look at how sexy you are.” She demands after a couple minutes, locking onto dark whiskey orbs and then trailing her own eyes downward so that Ali will follow her gaze.

“Fuck.” Ali pants out another expletive at the sight of two long fingers disappearing inside her and the flexing muscle of the inked forearm driving the effort. She can’t believe how soaked she is as she watches her own wetness pool at the base of Ashlyn’s knuckles every time the woman presses in and bottoms out. It’s only a few seconds before it becomes too much, her eyes closing again. “Ash…mmm, god I’m too close.” She yells out desperately, torn between willing her body to hold out a bit longer and just wanting to feel the epic release she’s on the verge of. “Kiss me. Just kiss me.” She pleads raggedly, her request immediately granted.

It's less than a minute before Ashlyn is breaking away from the kiss again, her want to watch Ali’s face contort in pleasure too much for her to deny. “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you.” She gets close to Ali’s ear as she feels the brunette’s thighs shake, her fingers getting harder to move. “Jesus, I can feel you throbbing on my fingers, Al…fuck you feel good.” She moans right along with her. “You’re so beautiful like this, Alex.” Ashlyn watches Ali’s eyes pop open, stunned at the depth of emotion she sees in them despite the brunette’s simultaneously glazed over expression that signals she’s about to tumble over the edge.

“Ashlyn…” Ali whispers in a soft rasp, her hand moving to the back of the woman’s neck and holding her close as fingers curl deep inside her ever tightening core and the room starts to spin. “Ash…” Her voice merely an imploring squeak this time.

Ashlyn’s mouth opens and closes a couple times, trying to speak something she knows she’ll never find the words to properly convey before the moment passes her by. She presses firmly against silken walls and feels Ali’s body arch up to move against her own. “This, with you…forever imprinted on my heart.” It comes out in a breathy exhale against Ali’s lips before she captures them just in time to swallow the keening wails of the brunette spasming in climax underneath her.

Ali softly whines when Ashlyn’s fingers leave her, the gorgeous woman pressing sweet little kisses all over her face while she still tries to catch her breath and let her brain unfog. _Ashlyn, you’re a treasure_. Her lips curl into a smile even as a little purr forms in the back of her throat at the way Ashlyn’s knuckles are now ever so gently trailing across her center repeatedly, sensual and soothing at the same time. “I love the way you touch me after I come.” She whispers and hugs Ashlyn a little tighter to her chest. “Did I tell you that before? Cause I meant to. What you’re doing feels incredible.”

“You pretty much did. And I’m glad it feels good, cause I really like doing it.” Ashlyn grins and kisses her sweetly while she keeps her hand moving.

“Not good. Incredible, I said incredible.” Ali corrects playfully.

“Right. Thank you, word police.” Ashlyn lets out a little yelp when the brunette lightly pinches her side. “Hey now, you’re gonna like what I do next even better. Don’t blow it, Harvard.”

“Oh, is that so?” Ali raises an eyebrow, not sure her still slightly trembling body can even handle another round right now.

“Mmhmm.” Ashlyn hums in reply as she kisses the brunette intensely and rakes her hand up Ali’s ribcage. She lingers only long enough to hear Ali breathing getting deeper again before pulling away and trailing sloppy kisses down the center of her chest and stomach. She spends a few extra seconds licking around the brunette’s navel until she hears a low moan and feels Ali squeeze the top of her shoulders. Still, she takes her time dragging her lips over the inked shield on the brunette’s hipbone, all the way down her thighs and back up again.

_Oh god, so good._ A content little hiss escapes Ali’s mouth and she bites her lower lip when Ashlyn’s tongue starts taking long delicate strokes up her slit. Her clit is still way too sensitive, but of course the woman between her legs knows that without her saying it. 

Ashlyn just keeps everything soft and slow, the tip of her tongue exploring every crease without lingering in any one spot. “You taste so damn good.” She mumbles into Ali’s center and feels the hands on her shoulders tighten their grip. _I could do this forever._ She keeps her pace steady, her movements almost monotonous, until there’s increased wetness on her chin and one of Ali’s hands drifts towards the back of her neck.

_How does she…Jesus. _Ali’s head tilts back further into the bed as Ashlyn lightly sucks her inner lips into her mouth a couple times and then goes back to licking her tenderly, the new sensation completely changing everything. Just a moment ago this was soothing, but now her core is suddenly aching for release again, her clit begging to be pulled between those pillowy lips she loves to kiss. She clears her dry throat so she can voice her need, but all she gets out is “Babe…” before her swollen bud is suctioned perfectly into Ashlyn’s mouth. She looks down to find fiery hazel looking back at her and the rest is a blur. The waves of pleasure rip fast and furious through her body until all she can register is the tongue swirling inside her, her own voice echoing “Ash” through the room, one of her hands tightly entwined with Ashlyn’s as her body clenches and shakes through another powerful orgasm.

Ashlyn keeps her tongue moving gently for another minute so Ali can ride out the high and then quickly climbs up the bed and rolls onto her side, pulling Ali into her chest and holding her securely there. “You’re everything, sweetheart. You’re everything.” She whispers romantically, her hand running up and down Ali’s back.

“Mmmm, Ash… that was…” Ali just trails off in a satisfied hum and buries her face into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck, leaving a couple kisses there while she relishes in the electricity still flowing through every nerve ending.

“Better than an average-sized dick?” Ashlyn can’t help but make the joke and bust out into a chuckle.

Ali let’s out a little snorting laugh before picking her head up to look at her. “Cannot believe you just said that!” She playfully taps Ashlyn’s cheek, really glad that the mood is so light right now because it signals Ashlyn’s earlier nervousness has dissipated. “But yes, no comparison at all. You really are unspeakably amazing. That was incredible in every way. So fucking incredible.” She leans in for a soft kiss and lingers there when she tastes herself on the woman’s lips. “Your pillow talk needs work though. Way to kill a moment with a dick joke, Stanford.” She shoots her a teasing look.

“It’s a skill really.” Ashlyn teases back.

“You keep thinking that.” Ali shakes her head and then kisses Ashlyn soundly again. “How are you feeling?” She checks in more seriously.

“Like there’s nothing better in the world than being here with you right now.” Ashlyn answers with a smile.

“Sweet as pie, as always.” Ali moves a hand to Ashlyn’s cheek. “How else are you feeling?” She appeals to the woman for the raw answer.

“Pretty calm right now. Happy…” Ashlyn presses her forehead to the brunette’s. “Really turned on.” She reveals with a smirk.

“Well, if how much you turned me on is any indication, then we’re in great shape.” Ali replies knowingly.

“We’re in more than great shape.” Ashlyn smiles. “My sheets though, that’s a whole other story.”

“I’ll help you change them later.” Ali winks and holds Ashlyn’s face in both of her hands now. “You still feel like you want to go ahead and try this?”

“More than anything.” Ashlyn affirms easily.

“Ok, then it’s usually best that we let everything flow and that I don’t keep stopping things. So, I need to trust that you’re going to tell me right away if you want to slow down or stop, or if something feels uncomfortable.” Ali makes it clear that she’ll keep going unless Ashlyn tells her not to. She learned a long time ago that breaking the moment to keep checking-in was counterproductive.

“You have my word, Alex.” Ashlyn promises, leaning in for a quick kiss before asking for exactly what she wants. “I know you like to make sure I’m always controlling every aspect as much as possible, but this time I just want your pace, your timing, your way. I just want you to lead me there. Is that ok?”

_That a girl, look how far you’ve come._ “Of course it is. I love that you told me that.” Ali gives her a bright smile of approval.

“Look what you’ve done to me, Harvard.” Ashlyn teases.

“I’m just getting started, you haven’t seen anything yet.” Ali surprises the short-haired woman by rolling on top of her. She holds herself up with her hands on the bed just above Ashlyn’s shoulders and watches her break out into a dimpled grin at the sudden position change. “You are such a vision, Ash.” She wastes no time in letting her body drop down against the muscular one below her and pulls Ashlyn into a slow deep kiss.

_I’m so fucking lucky. _For the first time, Ashlyn truly feels lucky. It’s not some reversal tactic to trick herself into avoiding the feelings of being unworthy or undeserving. This time it’s real, every single inch of her feeling fortunate to be in this moment with Ali Krieger. Her heart pounds harder by the second, completely melting into a sweet romantic kiss that feels like she’s been with this woman her whole life. She wonders for a second if she could even handle that, forever being this happily in tune with someone. It has never seemed meant to be for her. Would it even be possible? It’s only a few more seconds before she realizes that it’s a fruitless question. No matter how badly she wants to hold onto to it, her time with Ali is fleeting. Her heart momentarily wrenches, but beats even harder still.

_Where did you go just now?_ “Hey babe…” Ali pulls back to find hazel eyes after feeling their kiss suddenly become desperate. “Stay right here with me…nothing exists but us right now. You and me, nothing can take this away from us.” She gives Ashlyn a meaningful look and softly strokes her cheek with her thumb.

“How, Al? How do you know me so well?” Ashlyn asks in wonderment, not sure how it’s even possible for another person to feel like an actual extension of your mind and body.

“Because you let me, beautiful.” Ali smiles at her lovingly. “And I’m so glad you did.”

“Me too.” Ashlyn smiles back.

“Good. Now relax and let me show you just how well I’ve learned you.” Ali shoots her a quick little smirk and drops back down to rekindle their smoldering kiss. She puts all of her weight on Ashlyn now, freeing up her hands to roam the woman’s torso and maximizing skin contact between them. She maintains the passionate kiss until Ashlyn is breathing little moans into her mouth and then moves to drag her lips down the woman’s neck and across her chest.

“Baby, yes…” Ashlyn’s back arches up a bit when Ali takes her nipple into her mouth and works the other with her fingers. “That feels really good, Alex…just like that.” She gasps softly when she feels the brunette’s teeth lightly trail over her now rock hard nipple before soothing it with her tongue. “So fucking turned on...” She mumbles breathily.

_That’s it, gorgeous_. Ali smiles even as she gently sucks a nipple between her lips, thrilled at Ashlyn’s vocalness and the way the woman is holding her head in place. She continues to alternate breasts for another minute before she reluctantly pulls her mouth away from Ashlyn’s chest and starts making her way down, leaving a trail of hasty wet kisses in her wake. As much as she’d like to draw this out, she has to stay on pace so that Ashlyn remains in the best frame of mind for success. Too much time or too much teasing can backfire.

“Can’t wait to taste you.” Ali husks as she kisses along Ashlyn’s pubic bone, pulling back just in time to see a bead of wetness escape the woman’s entrance and drip onto bed. “God babe, you get so wet…so hot.”

“Al, please…I need you so bad.” Ashlyn’s legs open loose and wide, her core aching to feel Ali’s mouth. “I want your tongue inside me.” She fists her hand tighter in the brunette’s sable hair and pulls her towards her center. “Oh…oh fuck! Yes baby…fuck…god yeeaah.” She moans loudly when the tongue she just begged for softly enters her on command and swirls against her walls. She picks her head up to see Ali working between her legs, hungry whiskey eyes meeting her gaze with so much passion that her eyes roll back and her toes curl.

“Mmmm, you’re fucking delicious, Ash… beautiful, and so damn good.” Ali pulls back just enough to get the words out before working her tongue right back into the copiously wet hole that is already tightening towards orgasm. She curls her arms around Ashlyn’s thighs and pulls her even closer to her face, hearing a loud grunt and reaching up to entwine one of their hands. She feels the woman’s thighs starting to twitch and she moves up to lightly trace shapes on her clit with the tip of her tongue.

“Mmmm god…little harder.” Ashlyn squeezes Ali’s hand, feeling desperate for more friction, but equally desperate for her body to hold out longer. The brunette is alternating between licking and sucking her clit and plunging her tongue inside her deeply. _Please god, don’t ever let this end. _Perfect, Ali’s touches are nothing short of perfect. She can hear herself breathing hot and heavy, an electric tingle under her skin. “Aleeeex…unnnh, holy fuck.” Ali’s thumb finds her clit as the brunette’s tongue swirls inside her center again, her whole body ready to explode now. “Fuck…Al…I need you up here. Please, up here with me.” She begs urgently.

Ali immediately complies and climbs up Ashlyn’s body as she keeps a finger gently stroking through woman’s slick folds. “Tell me what you need, gorgeous.” She encourages at finding wild hazel eyes looking slightly panicked before they tightly shut.

“I’m so close, baby…so fucking close. But we haven’t…mmmm shit…we haven’t…” Ashlyn tries to speak through the fire overtaking her body and pushing her right to the brink. _Please happen. I need this. Please._ She can’t hold off the release much longer and there’s a frenzy inside now to reach what she has wanted for so long. “Alex…” She just squeaks out in desperation.

As much as Ali wants to grant the frantic request, she’s can’t. Ashlyn’s body is tight and shaking towards climax, everything clenched. Now is not the time. “Ash, babe…look at me.” She says calmly, her finger moving in tight circles on the woman’s clit again. Green swirled hazel eye look up at her both lovingly and worriedly. “Trust me, and let go.” Ali whispers and leans in for a soft kiss. “Put all your trust in me…let go and come for me, beautiful.” She adds more pressure to Ashlyn’s clit and sees the woman’s mouth form an o-shape.

“Alex…oh…god…Al!” Ashlyn feels herself come apart, her vision blurry, her ab muscles tight, her leaking entrance quivering slightly as she hugs Ali tight to her chest. “Oh fuck…oh my fucking, fuck…” The expletives stream out of her mouth uncontrolled.

“That’s it, gorgeous…you’re amazing.” Ali says sweetly, kissing around the area of Ashlyn’s neck that the woman is holding her tightly against. She keeps her fingers gently moving along Ashlyn’s slit to bring her down before eventually stilling her hand and patiently listening to her breathe.

Ali waits. Two minutes…Ashlyn’s heavy breathing becomes more regular and her grip loosens slightly. Three minutes… Ashlyn’s legs straighten out from where they had been curled around Ali’s lower legs. Five minutes…Ashlyn’s muscles fully relax, her hands now stroking up and down Ali’s back. Six minutes…Ali feels soft lips kissing along her jaw. _It’s time._

“Ashlyn…” Ali picks her head up to find Ashlyn looking at her with endless affection, the shiny hazel quickly turning curious at hearing her name. “I love you.” She voices tenderly, slowly and easily sliding a single finger all the way into the stunning woman underneath her. “I love you so much.” She repeats, watching Ashlyn’s face carefully as everything registers.

“I love you too.” Ashlyn replies emotionally at the adoring look in Ali’s eyes and the sincerity of her voice. Both her stomach and heart immediately flutter, her body feels warm and almost rubbery with the wonderful energy surging through it. But then there’s something else too…a simultaneously foreign and familiar delightful ache that radiates from her public bone and deep into her lower belly. _Wait, did she… _It only takes a few more seconds before her brain catches up to her body, her muscles slightly tensing as she assesses the situation. “Alex, are you…you’re…” Her mind goes blank at the miraculously pleasurable sensation as her eyes drift down to look.

“Inside you, beautiful…I’m inside you. You ok?” Ali asks gently and kisses Ashlyn’s forehead, keeping her hand completely still as she feels the woman’s body start to relax.

“I’m…” Ashlyn tries to find her voice, her eyes widening at the sight of Ali buried inside her. “I don’t even…I’m so good…god, I’m so much more than good.” She squeezes Ali tightly to her chest, the slight movement causing a wonderful jolt in her core that makes her let out a low moan_. This is…everything. She’s everything._ “Oh shit…oh my god. That feels so fucking good, so fucking good.” She says breathily. “Just stay inside…please, Al…I love how you feel, don’t leave me.” She pleads even through a content little smile.

“It’s ok, Ash.” Ali manages to lift up enough in the tight embrace to look at her face again. “I’m not moving and not going anywhere until you tell me. You’re doing so great…you’re wonderful. I love how you feel too.” She smiles sweetly. “Keep talking to me, ok?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn lets out a deep choppy breath before tilting her head up to capture Ali’s lips in an immensely expressive kiss that makes Ali whimper into her mouth. “Can you try moving?” She finally asks, more than ready to feel that amazing jolt again.

Ali nods and slowly slides her finger halfway out and pushes it back in, feeling her own center throb at the satisfied little roar and short puffing breaths that leave Ashlyn’s now parted lips. “So damn gorgeous, Ash.” She reads the gyrating of Ashlyn’s hips against her hand as a signal to continue the action.

“Keep going…fuck, keep going…don’t stop.” Ashlyn’s voice is deep and ragged, her eyes shut now as she loses herself in the feel of Ali’s perfect weight on her body, the brunette’s warm and slightly sweaty skin against her own, the harmonious movement of her hips rolling against the gently thrusting hand that she’s joined to. “Mmmmm, fuck yes… more…another…” She can’t get enough even as she finds herself speeding towards the precipice.

“Just faster or harder this time, gorgeous.” Ali keeps them from rushing into anything that could detract from this enormously positive and extremely intimate experience together.

“Ok. You feel so incredible, baby. Both…faster, harder.” Ashlyn wants everything she can get all at once.

Ali speeds up her movement, but doesn’t increase the vigor of her thrusting all that much, choosing instead to press upward against Ashlyn’s g-spot. The response is immediate as Ashlyn’s hips leave the bed and short blunt fingernails dig into the skin of her back.

“Holy shit…just like that, just like that, yes, mmmfuck Al…don’t…stop.” Ashlyn’s chest heaves for air and her whole body shakes as it starts to betray her desperate want to hold on longer. “Want you forever…so close to…don’t want the end to...fuck…uhhnnn!” She trails off into loud moans and grunts, biting down on her lower lip as little lights start to pop behind her eyelids.

“Let go, gorgeous. This won’t be the last time…you can let go for me.” Ali encourages her and curls her finger firmly in place a few more times before her name echoes through the room loudly and Ashlyn’s muscles convulse against her, her finger now clamped so tightly by the woman’s entrance that she can’t move it at all. “That’s it. You’re amazing, baby. Just breathe with me.” Ali rubs Ashlyn’s side with her free hand, keeping the other completely still. As soon as she feels Ashlyn’s walls loosen enough around her finger, she quickly slips out despite the protesting whine she gets, doing everything she can to reduce the heightened sensitivity to the area and the likely soreness that will follow.

Ali rolls onto her back and pulls Ashlyn half on top of her, holding the woman close as she catches her breath. “You did so good, Ash. So good. Just breathe.” She praises her and soothingly massages her back now. “Are you doing ok?” She checks in and feels Ashlyn nod her head against her chest. “Good. Take your time. I’m here.”

Ashlyn feels so secure and light, a greater sense of tranquility than she has ever felt before washing over her. The minute she can get her spent body to move, she picks her head up to find the most amorous and devoted look she has ever seen directed at her just before she’s met with a slow passionate kiss. “I love you with everything I have, Alex.” She barely manages to whisper it out as she’s hit with more emotions than she knows how to sort out or handle, enough to feel like everything is shifting around her and overloading her senses.

Ali sees the telltale overwhelmed expression on Ashlyn’s face, the one she was waiting for, and pulls the woman right back into her chest. “It’s ok. Let it out. I’m here. I love you and I’ve got you. You’re safe with me…let it all out.” She strokes through Ashlyn’s hair as the woman erupts into louds sobs. “I’m here with you…you’re ok. I’ve got you.” She keeps coaxing her.

Ali can still remember when this part used to seem to odd and counterintuitive. It took her experiencing it with quite a few clients to get used to it, but she soon learned that this was one of the most important steps of the process. The cathartic release of years of pent up emotions that are suddenly freed up by feeling this level of security and being relieved in the realization that you’re not broken. The onslaught of feelings reduces most clients to tears, but it’s those very tears that bring more healing than anything else.

“I love you, Ash. I’m so proud of you. You’re ok.” Ali keeps whispering to the amazing woman holding her so tightly. She keeps her hands softly moving against her skin, listening to her sobs slowly die down and her breathing even out until the only sound in the room is Ashlyn’s soft snore. “Sleep, gorgeous. Find your peace, I’ll be right here.”

Ali adjusts her body slightly to hold Ashlyn more comfortably, knowing from experience that it won’t be too long before the woman’s body recovers from the exhaustion and the resulting energy surge wakes her right up. She swallows hard and quickly wipes the few tears that have rolled down her own cheeks. The truth is that this is new and overwhelming for her too. The thought of having to let go of this woman, of losing something more meaningful than she’s ever had with anyone before…it hurts. She pushes those thoughts down, keeping the promise she made to herself that she would just enjoy every moment she has. For the first time ever with a client, she closes her own eyes while she waits and allows herself to relish in the purity of the love she feels.

\-----

Ali wakes from a light snooze as soon as she feels the slightest movement from Ashlyn, finding hazel eyes wandering the room before looking at her.

_Did that really just happen? She’s here, must have. Did I fall asleep? Crap, I cried all over her._ “You’re still here.” Ashlyn grins even as her mind works to recall everything, re-wrapping her arms around Ali’s waist.

“Of course I’m here. Did you really think I was gonna just up and leave you to wake up alone?” Ali replies lightly. “Hi gorgeous.” She leaves a lingering kiss on her lips and pulls back with a nose-crinkling smile.

“Hi beautiful.” Ashlyn leans in for another quick peck. “Honestly, I feel so blissed out that I’m not thinking properly at all. What time is it?”

“A little after 8:45pm, you were asleep just under an hour. Blissed out huh?” Ali runs her fingers along the stubbly hair on the back of Ashlyn’s head. “Tell me everything about that. What are you feeling?”

“A lot.” Ashlyn admits. “A little in disbelief that it happened. Unburdened, like a weight is gone and just relieved. I feel…whole, I guess… like I’m not missing something. I feel so comfortable. I feel happy…and just so in love with you.” She lets out a slow breath. “And hopeful that you still feel it too… and a little nervous that maybe you don’t.”

“I absolutely still do.” Ali cuts it off right there. “I meant what I said, all of it. I’ve felt it for a while now, probably the same as you have. Can’t change my heart that fast, especially not since you completely stole it to begin with.” She puts it all on the table again, the repetition right now is as important to her as it is to Ashlyn. “I love you.”

Ashlyn can only smile until her face hurts, pulling Ali into another deep kiss. “You’re everything to me, Alex. And I know maybe it’s a weird thing to say, but thank you. Thank you for loving me and being open to me even though the situation we’re in isn’t…easy, I guess.”

“You’re welcome… but you really couldn’t be more easy to love, Stanford charm. Let’s not get off track just yet though. How do you feel physically?” Ali asks more seriously.

“Totally sexed up.” Ashlyn jokes before really taking a few seconds to assess her body. “Physically exhausted, like everything feels heavy. In a good way I think. Still kinda tingly everywhere, but I’m gonna say that’s you being naked and close right now.” She smirks. “Al, that felt amazing. Just everything I ever could have wished for, but also nothing I would ever have expected, you know? For all the sex I had before I started having trouble, I sort of forgot what this felt like. And I don't ever remember it feeling quite this good." She smiles at Ali meaningfully. "I actually thought it would hurt the first time really getting back into it, especially since it hasn't always felt great even when I've done it to myself. It didn’t at all though. It was just a total pleasure rush and all these emotions with it that made it feel like a dream. You were…it was fantastic.”

Ali smiles and stays quiet, easily seeing that Ashlyn has more to say.

“And now that it’s after the fact, I couldn’t be more appreciative that you didn’t let me push too far. Cause I’m a tiny bit sore now. I couldn’t have been more vulnerable, couldn’t have put my trust in someone more than I did with you, and you didn’t…” Ashlyn’s voice slightly cracks with emotion and she clears her throat so she can finish. “You didn’t let me down one bit, protected me the whole way. I don’t even know how I give that back to you, but I wish I could.”

“You just did by telling me all that.” Ali kisses her sweetly. “The experience of being so intimate with you, knowing the depth of what was behind it…it was beyond words and it meant the world to me, Ash.” She addresses the emotional sentiments before getting to the physical. “Sorry you’re sore, it’s pretty common and should feel a lot better by morning. It’s more so the muscle soreness of your pelvic floor from prolonged clenching during that deeper vaginal orgasm than anything else.” She explains.

“Well thank you, Dr. Harvard. Very scientific.” Ashlyn teases. “So fucking worth it, what an amazing high that was. Just a whole lot of woah.”

“Yeah well, you were a whole lot of woah yourself. You are one very, very talented woman, Stanford. If people only knew that creating Instagram was your second best skill.” Ali winks.

“Cute.” Ashlyn shakes her head through a loud belly laugh, eventually letting it die down as she studies the brunette’s face.

They lay there for a few minutes just looking at each other with happy smiles, hands lightly running over skin as they take it all in. As much as Ali never wants to move, she knows it’s time to start working towards the end of the night. “Come on, show me how to work your fancy bath tub. God knows it probably has its own remote control.” Ali sits up a bit in the bed.

“Bath tub?” Ashlyn looks at her with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah, a warm bath will kick that soreness in no time and relax you more too. Plus, we smell like sex.” Ali laughs.

_I love that laugh so much._ “We smell like really fucking good sex.” Ashlyn corrects with her own chuckle. “Sooo, ‘we’, huh? Does that mean you’re joining me?” She quirks an eyebrow.

“Duh.” Ali replies playfully.

“Woo! Well then, bath here we come!” Ashlyn jumps right out of bed with a fist pump and dashes into the bathroom.

_I fell in love the most genuinely endearing person…the absolute sweetest one. _Ali shakes her head and smiles to herself as she starts stripping the sheets off Ashlyn’s bed. “Make sure the water is on the hotter side. I’ll change the sheets real quick while you get it ready. Where can I find clean ones?” She calls out towards the bathroom.

“You got it, Dr. Harvard.” Ashlyn answers teasingly. “In the closet on the left side. Thank you!”

\-----

“That feels so damn amazing.” Ashlyn mumbles happily as Ali’s hands rub her upper back and shoulders, warm water up to her chest, the brunette’s legs surrounding her from behind. “Now I know why you end this kind of session with a bath…it’s genius.”

“Well, glad you’re enjoying it…but, I don’t. This is a first.” Ali shrugs.

“Really?” Ashlyn turns her head a bit to look back at the brunette.

“Yep. There was this one client who felt more comfortable being sexual in the shower, but that was far from this.” Ali explains casually. “You are a long list of firsts, babe.”

“Hmm. Can’t say I’m sorry about that.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Me either.” Ali giggles and keeps massaging the woman’s strong shoulders even as she marvels at the fact that she once pictured what it might be like to relax in this amazing bath tub overlooking the city below; and now, here she is with Ashlyn Harris pressed to her front and feeling more enamored than ever.

“Can I ask you a question?” Ashlyn breaks the several minutes of silence that have passed.

“You know you can ask me anything.” Ali reminds her.

“What we said between us today…” Ashlyn starts trying to frame her question, but she’s almost too nervous to ask it. “We kind of talked about it before, but with other clients…have you…uh…” She chickens out.

“Nope. Not once.” Ali bails her out, already knowing it was coming. She stops massaging the woman’s shoulders, wraps her arms around her waist, and pulls her back further against her chest. “I’ve never been in love with a client, never told a client I’m in love with them. Like I once told you before, you stand out in a category all your own. And admittedly, I haven’t said it much in my personal life either.”

Ashlyn lets out a deeply pleased sigh. “Ok.” She can’t help but feel completely giddy inside, turning her head back to give Ali a soft kiss. Still, her curiosity doesn’t stop there. “But you said you’ve had feelings for clients? And you said that sometimes they feel things too? I just don’t know how you’ve avoided it, I guess.”

“Those things are true. Honestly, the overwhelming majority of clients tell me they love me.” Ali confesses. “As you can probably better understand now, this whole situation can feel very powerful and it probably works better when those feelings exist.”

“But you don’t reciprocate?” Ashlyn questions in slight surprise. “Cause, I’m not sure how this would have worked for me if you didn’t.”

“This works differently for everyone, so your situation is unique from anyone else’s. But like you said, it’s not to say that I haven’t felt things for clients…that almost always comes with the territory.” Ali elaborates. “But to me, it has never been more than something in passing and nothing very strong. So, I’ve always been honest in reply. I’ve told clients that I like them or that like something specific about their personality or whatever they were doing physically. And a lot of my clients are married and older, so that response doesn’t seem to faze them at all. Especially because they know I’m honest above all else.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn nods as she thinks it over. “You’ve never said love?” She can’t help but ask more directly.

“Once, but not the way you’re thinking. You know the sex addict client I told you about? The one that pushed my boundaries?” Ali jogs her memory.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods again.

“She pushed my boundaries, I pushed hers, and it created a really intense moment this one time. We both felt really close to each other. She told me she loved me and I replied with the truth. I specifically told her ‘I love this moment with you. I love you in this moment’. Which was exactly how I felt. I knew it was just the intensity of that particular session that was creating that feeling for me. And I was right, it passed very quickly.” Ali replies frankly. “Anyway, that was the only time the word love even came up at all.”

“I have to confess that when I told you, I was fucking terrified that you would reply with…” Ashlyn trails off again.

“A very carefully worded response?” Ali finishes knowingly.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn lightly squeezes Ali’s forearms with her hands.

“I know, I could see it on your eyes.” Ali kisses the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder. “But I’ve also known for a while now exactly what I feel for you and that it’s not a temporary thing. Like I’ve said, a real first for me. But I couldn’t be the one to bring it up between us. It’s important that you’re the one who dictates our connection level. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t hoping that whole time.” She moves her hand to Ashlyn’s cheek and turns the woman’s head to kiss her tenderly for a few seconds before pulling back to find her eyes. “I love you, truly.”

_I don’t even know how, but I don’t care…she loves me_. “I love you too.” Ashlyn beams, heart beating all crazy again. “You have no idea what it does to me to hear that, what it means to me. It’s everything.”

“Sure I do.” Ali smiles. “You’re not the only one in love here, Stanford. We just went over that.”

“Right.” Ashlyn laughs and leans herself all the way back, head tilting back onto Ali’s shoulder while they enjoy a few more quiet minutes.

“Come on, water is getting cold and we need to get you bed.” Ali finally sits up a bit.

“Bed?” Ashlyn asks with a furrowed brow. “It’s not even 10pm yet. I don’t even remember the last time I went to bed before 10pm.”

“You really need to sleep, Ash.” Ali says in soft command. “Your mind and body need time to rest and process. Today was a lot even if it felt good and went well.”

“You’re right. You always are.” Ashlyn concedes. “A tween’s bedtime it is.” She jokes and stands up, reaching out to help Ali stand up too and then grabbing them each a fluffy robe.

“Besides, I’m tucking you in and staying until you fall asleep.” Ali adds some incentive.

“Sold!” Ashlyn exclaims, earning the sweet melodic laugh that makes her world spin.

\------

“Wish you never had to leave.” Ashlyn whispers. True to her word, Ali had dried her off and tucked her into a nice freshly made bed, the brunette now securely spooning her.

“Me too, but I won’t go until you’re asleep.” Ali compromises while still maintaining some kind of boundary.

“Thanks, Alex. For everything, today was…perfect, just perfect.” Ashlyn says wholeheartedly. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you too, Ash.” Ali kisses her sweetly. “Close your eyes.”

Ashlyn complies and tries her best to shut off her brain that is swirling with all kinds of thoughts, thankfully all of them are good as she replays the night.

Ali holds Ashlyn protectively, listening to her breathe and watching her face as best she can from this angle. It feels almost unreal, almost impossible that someone she met so recently could mean this much to her…but Ashlyn Harris is here in her arms and very, very real.

“Ashlyn!” Ali chastises lightly with a frown when she sees the woman’s eyes open again.

“Sorry, sorry!” Ashlyn chuckles. “Just can’t sleep because I know that you’re gonna leave and I feel like I need to go activate the elevator security camera. You know, just in case you decide to go out the way you came in.” She waggles her eyebrows.

“You fucking wish, Stanford.” Ali laughs and playfully swats her arm in reply.

“I do wish.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“That may have been on the list of firsts, but it’s also on the lasts!” Ali shakes her head at herself. “The things I do for you.”

“The things I’m grateful for.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Well now that we’ve resolved that you don’t need to go turn on the camera, sleep! You need to rest.” Ali implores.

“Ok, promise.” Ashlyn relents. “Honestly, just wanted an excuse to look at your beautiful face one more time and kiss you again.”

_She’s too damn cute for her own good._ “You could’ve asked.” Ali smiles.

“Just did.” Ashlyn grins and turns a bit, gazing at Ali for a few seconds before kissing her romantically. “Love you.”

“Love you.” Ali replies against Ashlyn’s lips before they both settle back into the spooning position.

It’s only about twenty minutes before Ali is carefully sliding out of Ashlyn’s bed and planting a feather light kiss on her lips. “Sweet dreams, gorgeous. So many sweet dreams.” She quietly makes her way out, arriving at her own door thirty minutes later and still so wrapped up in the haze of Ashlyn that she doesn’t even remember the walk home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, what are we thinking about how this all went down?  
What do you think comes next?
> 
> Although you all have an email for me (inkedwrite@yahoo.com), I've had quite a few requests from people wanting to connect on social media. So, if you'd like to connect with me outside of AO3 and not via email, I can now be found on Twitter at InkedWrite11 (come say hi, ask questions, share your thoughts, etc!)


	27. View at the Top

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to get in a chapter where we take a bit of a breather after all that intensity and do some processing. Inhale...exhale... :-)  
Hope you have a great start to week! As always, let me hear those thoughts in the comments.

View at the Top

Ashlyn stretches out her arms and her back before opening her eyes and turning to the clock on her nightstand, 10:43am. She smiles as she replays last night in her mind, wishing for a second that Ali hadn’t changed the sheets so she could have woken up still surrounded by the brunette’s scent. Her body feels really relaxed despite a little muscle stiffness, likely from all that extra exercise she did yesterday before Ali arrived, but there isn’t even a hint of the soreness she felt between her legs last night.

“The most beautiful woman alive loves me back. Best sex of my life. Twelve hours of sleep. Body feels fucking amazing.” Ashlyn speaks the list out loud because she almost can’t believe it. “You are magnificent, Alex.” She grins like a dope and grabs her phone, her smile getting even bigger when she sees the first text notification.

_Alex Krieger: Good morning, lovely! Last night was truly amazing, you are amazing. I’m hoping you slept well and aren’t too sore. Call/text me anytime this weekend if you want to talk about literally anything. BTW, watching you sleep is the best. Love you :)_

“A perfectly sweet good morning text and she still loves me.” Ashlyn adds to her list as she types a reply.

_Ashlyn: Good morning to you, my beautiful miracle! No soreness at all, the bath was genius. I feel so damn good! Last night was everything & I just love you with all my heart. BTW, falling asleep with you is the best._

She starts reading the numerous texts from Megan, Whitney, and Crystal, the tone of which get more impatient with every passing time stamp, and ultimately decides to just extend a brunch invite rather than reply to them all. She only gave herself an hour to get ready, so she takes one more minute in bed to enjoy how great she feels this morning before she pops up and heads to the shower.

\-----

Ashlyn arrives at her favorite brunch spot to find all three ladies already there sipping mimosas and halfway through a basket of mini-croissants, immediately rolling her eyes at their eagerness because she’s actually five minutes early.

“Holy titties, this is gonna be good!” Megan takes one look at Ashlyn and starts clapping.

“Boss Lady got some!” Crystal does a little dance in her seat.

“Well look at you!” Whitney can’t help herself either.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Ashlyn sits down before she attracts any more attention from the people at nearby tables. “Good morning, Ashlyn. How did you sleep? I slept very well, thank you. That’s great, let us get you a drink.” She has a mock conversation with herself as she eyes them all pointedly. “Geez, can a girl get a damn drink and order some pancakes before you jump all up on her?”

“Let her breathe before she crawls into a hole and we get nothing.” Whitney finally takes control of things and flags the waitress down. “She’ll have a black cold brew coffee and a mimosa. Another round for the rest of us and I think we’ll be ready to order when you come back. Thanks!”

Ashlyn watches the waitress walk away with a smile before turning back to the table. “Well thanks, Watson. See, was that so damn hard?”

“Was for me.” Megan shrugs.

“Excuse us for being excited for you.” Crystal adds in her usual playful sarcasm.

“You don’t even know if you should be excited.” Ashlyn shoots her a look.

“Oh Sherlock, if you could only see your own face right now. There is nothing about your off the charts glow that suggests we shouldn’t be excited for you.” Whitney levels with a smile. “It suits you by the way.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok.” Ashlyn concedes. “Best fucking night of my life.” Her dimple is on full display with her huge grin. “Well, so far anyway… I still have more sessions with her.” She adds with a wink.

“Oh snap! Yes, girl!” Crystal reaches over to and squeezes Ashlyn’s bicep excitedly.

“Like best fucking night…or best _FUCKING_ night?” Megan asks with a quirked eyebrow.

“Right on cue as always, Pinoe. Both.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Kidding! You’re my giiiirl, butchie butch!” Megan holds her fist out for a bump before adding “Praise the lord, she’s cured!”

Ashlyn chuckles shyly and looks at Whitney. “And you?”

“Just happy for you…assuming you’re happy that is.” Whitney smiles.

“I am.” Ashlyn replies easily just as the waitress arrives with their drinks. Once the waitress has taken their orders and left, Ashlyn sits back in her chair and sips her coffee slowly, taking her sweet time just to torment her friends. When Megan looks like she might explode with inappropriate commentary and Crystal starts doing origami with the cocktail napkin to keep herself busy, she finally relents. “Like a bunch of toddlers waiting to get into a bounce house.” She snickers. “Aright, I’ll tell you.” To their credit, none of her friends say a word and just lean forward attentively like she’s about to reveal the most well-kept secret in the world.

By the time she’s finished telling them all about last night, even providing some rare TMI when Megan probed for sex details, Crystal is biting her lip like she’s holding back from exploding into song at any moment, Megan is bouncing up and down in her chair without even realizing, and Whitney’s eyes are all glassy with a tear already escaping.

“Aw come on Watson, you’re gonna get tears in my pancakes.” Ashlyn nudges her best friend before pulling her into a side hug.

“Sorry, sorry!” Whitney dabs at her eyes with a cloth napkin. “I just…of all the ways I could’ve imagined this going for you, this one is just more beautifully real than I could have…” She trails off before finally managing to pull herself together after another side hug from Ashlyn. “So, did it change anything?”

“With me and her?” Ashlyn clarifies and gets a nod from Whitney.

“I mean you guys totally said you were in love with each other. Doesn’t that change things?” Crystal puts her own spin on it.

“Well yeah, I mean I changed everything about our connection and how things went last night.” Ashlyn considers the question. “But does it change some long-term outlook? No.” Her heart still drops every time she has to think about it.

“Did she explicitly say that?” Whitney asks directly.

“Not exactly. She made sure that our declarations didn’t go too far if that makes sense. As in her words made it clear that whatever is between us is still limited to the professional boundaries of this whole thing.” Ashlyn explains as best she can.

“You need get a better answer to that. You need her to be fully explicit about it.” Whitney replies seriously.

“Why? I already know.” Ashlyn’s brow furrows in confusion. She looks to Megan and Crystal, but they look as lost as she is.

“Because if it’s true that it can only go as far as this therapy does, you need to fully understand it. I know you better than anyone, Sherlock. And I don’t want to be the downer here, but I think we all know this ends in a huge heartbreak that you’ll need to work your way through. So, if that is the reality of what is coming…then you need to know exactly what to expect. Above all else, you need to know why your heart is getting broken. Because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck with endless questions that never let you move forward.” Whitney puts it both as bluntly and as delicately as she can.

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn nods solemnly. “I see what you’re saying.”

“Fucking hell, are you ever not uptight?” Megan quips at Whitney and earns a glare from her.

“Never, but she’s right that I need to better prepare myself.” Ashlyn defends Whitney a bit.

“I really am happy for you, please know that. I just love you too much not to tell you to wear your seatbelt, you know?” Whitney tries to smooth things over.

“I know. And I love the hell out of you for that.” Ashlyn smiles at her genuinely.

“Ooook…well, this one thinks you can just run off tomorrow and marry the woman.” Crystal points at Megan. “And this one thinks you’re gonna get your heart shattered into oblivion.” She motions to Whitney. “How about we let the smart one take a crack at it, ok? K, great!” She uses both her thumbs to point at herself. “Are you gonna get your heart stomped? For a while maybe. But it’ll be worth it because you’re going to go after exactly what you want and you’re gonna get it someday. And I think we all know what it is that you want, Boss Lady. I would absolutely never bet against you and you know my bet. There, settled.” Crystal snaps her fingers with finality.

“You’re all hopeless.” Ashlyn erupts into a loud chuckle. “And I still love you all despite that, so maybe I’m the most hopeless.” She gets them all laughing along with her. “Alright, now can we go back to using the fucking champagne in these mimosas to celebrate? Can a girl just have a blissful moment?”

“That’s what I’m fucking saying!” Megan wholeheartedly agrees and immediately flags down the waitress for another round.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“Hey buttercup! Well don’t you look, gorg. Give me a twirl!” Kyle compliments his sister as soon as she opens the door. She’s wearing a classic outfit of tight jeans and a black sweater that suits her shape perfectly, her makeup is flawless, and everything about her seems radiant.

“Thanks, doll!” Ali kisses his cheek. “You look handsome yourself.”

“You already know.” Kyle teases in mock conceit. “Ready to roll? Movie isn’t for another hour, so I thought we could walk?”

“That’s perfect.” Ali smiles and grabs her purse by the door before closing it behind her.

“Alright, I really wasn’t going to pry, but Al, you look so fucking lit right now. You’re like bouncing while you walk.” Kyle can’t help but giggle at how Ali is practically prancing down the street like a pony, a huge bright smile on her face for seemingly no reason. Of course, he knows better. “Give me something.”

“She said it.” Ali’s smile grows impossible wider with the simple statement.

“She said it?” Kyle asks in befuddlement until he sees the little blush in her cheeks. “Oh! Oh my gosh, she said it! Holy shit, hunny!” He immediately gets excited. “What did you say?!”

“I said it back.” Ali says more quietly and then stops walking so she can look Kyle in the eye. “And I completely meant it. If I’m being honest with myself, I meant it more than I ever have…ever.”

“Said it back with like no conditional stuff?” Kyle holds back his excitement for the time being, knowing his sister’s cautious tendencies better than anyone.

“Absolutely none. Cause there are no conditions…it just is.” Ali confirms and suddenly gets lifted off her feet and into a tight hug.

“Oh babe, I’m so fucking proud of you. And happy…you just deserve this, you know?” Kyle exclaims jubilantly. He can feel her grip tighten around him as soon as he says it and pulls back a bit. “Hey…I know. I know in your mind that this isn’t a beginning for you and her. Still, you deserve to know this feeling, to share it with someone who feels the same, and let yourself go and enjoy it. I stand by that no matter what happens.”

“Thank you. I really needed to hear that.” Ali sighs and buries herself back into his shoulder for a moment, letting the lightness take over again. This is what she needed, someone who would be thrilled for her, but understanding that she doesn’t need to be pressured to do something she can’t. She had been dying to call Syd all day to talk about it, but she knows where her best friend stands on the options and didn’t need any more encouragement this weekend to break her own rules. “Come on, we’re gonna be late if we just stand here.” She lets go of Kyle and nudges him to walk.

They walk quietly for another couple minutes before Kyle pipes up again. “Babes, your head is gonna explode if you don’t squeal about the details. I know you want to, your cheeks are like inflated and ready to blow it out. You know how I badly want to hear them, sooo tell me already!”

“Ugh, fine.” Ali relents in a huff even as she happily grabs his hand and tells him whatever she can without getting into anything too private or overly sexual. It takes the entire walk to the movie theater for her to finish, Kyle listening attentively the whole way. “Thoughts?” She looks at him as they approach their destination.

“Oh my gosh, I am head over heels in love with this woman myself. What damn dream.” He admits with a smile. “I’m happy for you that you know she exists in this world. Probably better that I leave it at that.”

“I’m happy she exists too.” Ali nods with a shy smile.

“I bet you are, you little sex fiend! Cause Ruby did you goooood!” Kyle finally reverts to his usual brand of humor.

“Just for that, popcorn and soda are on you! And dinner afterwards!” Ali counters as she lightly slaps him on the arm.

“So totally worth it.” Kyle replies in satisfaction.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hi Ashlyn, is everything okay?” Nancy answers the phone a bit surprised, knowing she has a session scheduled with the woman on Thursday.

“Hey, Nance. Yeah I’m fine. I just had no choice but to schedule a business meeting during our Thursday appointment and I really don’t want to put off checking in with you any longer than that. I know you sometimes have Monday afternoons open, any chance we could do a phone session later today?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

“Let’s see.” Nancy takes a quick look at her schedule for the day. “Darn, I put someone into my open afternoon slot already. I have about half an hour right now to talk, any chance that will work?”

“Uh, yeah. Let’s do it.” Ashlyn goes to her office door and looks to make sure things are fairly quiet before closing it.

“So, what’s going on?” Nancy gets them started.

Ashlyn takes a deep breath so that she doesn’t just blurt everything out in an eager diatribe. “A whole lot. Ali and I…” She thinks about how to word it and settles on Nancy’s prior metaphor for this journey. “Well, I reached the top of the mountain.”

“Oh Ashlyn, I think that’s great news, but tell me about it.” Nancy tries to keep a balance between thrilled and neutral enough to hear how Ashlyn feels about it.

Ashlyn spends the next ten minutes filling Nancy in on everything she possibly can, sparing no details because she has always been upfront and open with her therapist about every aspect of this several year process. She describes the build-up, the intimate conversation where confessions of love where made, the sexual experience itself, and how wonderful she’s feeling right now.

“Wow. I’m thrilled that you took such a big step, and beyond glad for you that it was so successful. I don’t really want to say much more than that because this is still fresh and you still have a little way to go in the process. So, I think it’s best for you to process things yourself without too much outside input.” Nancy says warmly.

“Thanks.” Ashlyn smiles, admittedly proud of herself too. “But I know you must have even some minimal insight for me, right Yoda?” She pushes back a bit, knowing Nancy usually gives her some wisdom to work with.

“Alright, I’ll bite.” Nancy laughs lightly at the nickname. “Let’s use the mountain visual then. You got there, Ashlyn. You made that really tough climb to the top. Spend enough time there now to enjoy it, to fully appreciate all the scenery. You worked hard for that and you deserve to get a little comfortable there.”

“Ok, I’m following.” Ashlyn nods to herself.

“Just remember that soon enough, you’ll have the climb down. And you need to be ready to focus for that because it’s just as hard as the climb to the top. And on the way down, you won’t have the novelty or the adrenaline to drive you. There’s no beautiful view at the end, it’s just back where you started. Only this time you’ll know that you’ve reached the top and that you can do it. That you have all the tools, skills, and experience you need to climb any mountain. Still, it will likely feel like a letdown as much as it feels like a big achievement. You need to be prepared to face that, even now while you enjoy the top of the mountain. Do you understand?” Nancy lays it out for her as carefully as she can.

“Completely.” Ashlyn replies easily. “Thanks Yoda, that’s exactly what I needed right now. Some validation that it’s ok to float away a bit as long I tether myself somewhere.”

“Bingo.” Nancy feels relieved that Ashlyn still sounds light and unburdened. “And don’t forget that you won’t be alone on the climb down, I’ll be there with you.”

“You’re the best, Nance.” Ashlyn says appreciatively.

“Well I sure try.” Nancy replies. “Probably better that we just schedule an appointment for once you wrap up with Ali. But call me anytime if you need to talk.”

“Sounds good and I will.” Ashlyn assures her. “Wish me luck.”

“You don’t need luck and you never have. Have a great day, Ashlyn.” Nancy responds resolutely.

“You too. Later therapy gator.” Ashlyn jokes and hears Nancy laugh before she hangs up.

\-------

Ali’s phone vibrates loudly against the counter while she works on making a chicken stir fry for dinner. Her face breaks out into a huge smile when she sees who it is, quickly turning off the stove before she answers.

“Well hey there, Stanford. To what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call? I was starting to think you didn’t need me anymore after a silent weekend.” Ali answers playfully.

“Hello, beautiful. Definitely not true seeing as how I spent the whole weekend thinking about you, but I didn’t want to be over-eager and drive you crazy.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Well, you do drive me crazy…but only in the best way.” Ali plays back. “How are you? Everything ok?”

“I’m great, Al. Really, really great to say the least.” Ashlyn tells her truthfully. “I just realized I have no idea what to expect for our session tomorrow, and maybe I should?”

“That was purposeful since there was already enough for you to process in the meantime. We’ll talk through next steps together tomorrow. Just an open conversation about expectations and what not. We’ll let the rest of the session go from there with no agenda. Sound good?” Ali answers.

“Should’ve know. You leave no stone unturned, Harvard. That sounds good to me.” Ashlyn says sweetly. “So, in that case, can I make us an early dinner?”

“I’ve certainly learned never to turn down an offer of food from Master Chef Stanford. Early dinner it is if you’re up for it. Can I bring dessert?” Ali offers.

“Are we talking about dessert or _dessert_?” Ashlyn insinuates with a smirk.

“Both if you have an insatiable sweet tooth.” Ali flirts back.

“Oh I do. And you can absolutely bring all kinds of dessert.” Ashlyn can’t help but laugh.

“You’re too smooth for your own good. I’ll see you tomorrow at 4pm with all kinds of dessert then.” Ali says with her own giggle.

“Perfect.” Ashlyn confirms. “Hey, Al?”

“Yeah?” Ali answers.

“I may have also called just to hear your beautiful voice and that laugh I love. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” Ashlyn says a bit more coyly.

“Can’t wait to see you either, babe. Your call just made my night.” Ali’s heart beats a million miles a minute at the woman’s genuine romanticness. “Sleep well, Ash. I love you.” Any concern she ever had about saying it as much as she has at this point is long gone.

“I love you too, sweetheart. Sweet dreams, Alex.” Ashlyn hangs up, falling more deeply for the brunette every second.

Ali lets out a love-struck sigh as she presses her cellphone to her heart for a second, eventually laughing lightly at herself. If someone had ever told her this would happen, she would have laughed them out of town and probably had them committed. But here she is, not one bit of her able to deny what she feels. “You’re really something amazing, Ash.” She whispers to herself contently before realizing she needs to go salvage her stir fry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm, so we have a completely agenda-free session coming up...what do you think that entails? Definitely dessert ;-)
> 
> Thanks to all of you that followed me on twitter and have sent me messages/questions. I feel very loved! Come say hi or leave me a message any time (@InkedWrite11)!


	28. Driver's Ed (Session 12)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that we've had a minute to breathe, time to shift some gears and see what happens on this road. And don't worry, Ali brought plenty of dessert. Let's see what's on the menu...
> 
> I love to hear your thoughts, so drop me a comment :-) Have a great end of the week!

Session 12 – Driver’s Ed

“It’s madness how much I missed you this weekend.” Ali barely registers the whispered words in her ear just before Ashlyn kisses her passionately right there inside the elevator. Her free hand goes to the back of Ashlyn’s neck and pulls the woman in further, deepening the kiss until a loud buzzer goes off signaling that the elevator door is going to close whether they like it or not.

“Sorry.” Ashlyn mumbles and pulls Ali into the penthouse before capturing her lips again, this time more tenderly.

“You give the best greetings.” Ali pecks her lips a few more times. “Missed you too…and hi.” She moves her hand to the woman’s cheek and strokes it softly with her thumb like usual.

“Hi. You hungry?” Ashlyn gives her a dimpled smile and feels giddy inside at the way Ali beams back at her with her tongue just poking through her teeth.

“Starved. I prepared properly this time and opted for a late breakfast and no lunch.” Ali replies. “Smells so good in here. What’s cooking?”

“Grilled Jamaican jerk chicken, baked plantains, and mango salsa.” Ashlyn says proudly.

“Oh my goodness, I can’t wait! What can I help with?” Ali asks.

“Nothing right now. Table is set and the food is pretty much ready, just need a minute to plate it. How about you get us some drinks and you can help me clean up later?” Ashlyn suggests, taking the paper bag Ali was holding and hanging up the brunette’s coat before heading towards the kitchen.

“Deal.” Ali walks right over to the fridge. “What do you want to drink?”

“I’ll take one of those coconut La Croix waters.” Ashlyn responds while she plates their dinner. “Obviously help yourself to anything in there.”

“Think I’ll do the same, seems like a good pairing with jerk chicken.” Ali grabs two cans and can’t resist nuzzling herself into the back of Ashlyn’s neck for a second on her way to the dining area. “Mmmm, you smell even better than dinner.”

“Well I’m on the menu too.” Ashlyn smirks.

“Dinner, then dessert.” Ali playfully nips the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder with her teeth.

“Speaking of, what’s in the bag?” Ashlyn points to the counter where she put the paper bag Ali brought with her.

“Flourless chocolate torte with raspberry ganache made by yours truly this morning.” Ali pauses pouring the drinks into glasses so she can bat her eyelashes.

“Oh lord, you are so speaking my language. You seriously made it this morning?” Ashlyn asks incredulously.

“Yep. Sounds fancy, but it’s fairly easy and mostly just needs a couple hours to set. It’s my go-to when I need an impressive dessert.” Ali divulges.

“Oh, so you’re trying to impress me, Harvard?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Nope.” Ali says simply and walks back into the kitchen, getting right back into Ashlyn’s space. “Just putting my love into everything I give you…cause I wouldn’t want you having any doubts.” She keeps her tone light despite the candor.

“Baby…” Ashlyn whispers and presses her forehead to the brunette’s, hands gripping Ali’s waist as her knees feel weaker by the second. “I may not have adequate words, but I have zero doubts. I love you too, sweetheart.” She kisses her soft and slow, every inch of her buzzing.

“Sweetheart. I love when you call me that.” Ali reveals. “From the very first time you said it. Your voice changes a little when you do…makes my heart go wild.”

“Good. You know, I’ve actually never used it with anyone else. So, it’s just yours.” Ashlyn leaves another lingering kiss on her lips.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Ali tries to temper the escalating grandiosity of the moment before it gets away from them.

“I don’t.” Ashlyn counters with a smile. “Let’s eat before it gets cold.”

“Yes please!” Ali agrees and grabs a plate so Ashlyn doesn’t have to carry both.

\------

“Not at all surprising, but this is amazing, Ash. So damn good!” Ali compliments after a couple bites of her food, easily reaching to gently squeeze Ashlyn’s thigh after choosing to sit next to her rather than across from her.

“Glad you like it.” Ashlyn ducks her head a bit at the compliment.

“It’s delicious and the sides are perfect. Let me guess, you’re gonna tell me that you have Jamaican roots?” Ali jokes.

“Nah, but the recipe is as authentically Jamaican as it gets.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Have you ever seen that jerk chicken food truck parked on 5th Ave near Rockefeller Center?”

Ali tries to picture it and comes up with a vague recollection of a brightly colored yellow truck that’s usually in that vicinity, but she can’t say she’s ever stopped to see what it serves. “Um, I think so.”

“So, I had seen it there a few times and then ended up missing lunch one day because of a meeting. Anyway, I finally decide to try it because I’m starving and there happens to be no line at the truck like there usually is. Best decision ever, the chicken was amazing.” Ashlyn recounts. “I finish my food and walk back over to ask the guy working the truck for the recipe and of course he tells me it’s a family secret.”

“And yet somehow you got it.” Ali starts to smile at Ashlyn’s level of swagger.

“Oh wait for it.” Ashlyn laughs at herself. “I spend like 15 minutes trying to convince him that it’s just for me and that I won’t tell anyone. And he kinda seems like he might cave, so I tell him that I’ll work the dinner rush with him and help him clean up the truck after.”

“You didn’t!” Ali covers her mouth in surprise.

“Oh I did. And he truly didn’t think I was serious until I was elbow deep in jerk spice with him in the truck until 10pm, in a full-on business suit that I wore to work that day. Ended up having to throw that suit out too, couldn’t get the smell out.” Ashlyn thinks back on it. “So, authentic Jamaican family recipe, you’re welcome!”

“Have I ever told you that you are the most fascinating person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing?” Ali looks at her in wonderment. “Cause you really are.”

“Not so much fascinating as weird and a little reckless, but I’ll take it.” Ashlyn snickers.

“I do like weird.” Ali laughs. “Which reminds me! You still owe me the full backstory on your love for mythology. We have time, food, and I think it’s pretty damn clear that nothing you tell me is ever going change my opinion of you. You’re out of excuses, Stanford.”

Ashlyn lets out a groan that is short-lived when Ali reaches over and squeezes her hand to encourage her. “Ok, fine.” She gives in. “But before I get into it, just let me reiterate that the main reason I love mythology is because of the stories and symbolism. So, this other part is just an added thing that draws my interest.”

“Noted.” Ali nods.

“Alright, here we go…do you believe in life on other planets or life outside of earth?” Ashlyn asks casually.

“Like aliens?” Ali is a bit caught off guard the question.

“For lack of a better word, yes…like aliens. Do you think they exist?” Ashlyn rephrases.

“Not something I think about much, but I definitely fall on the side of having no reason to discount it. So, I’d say I believe it’s very possible.” Ali answers.

“Well that helps.” Ashlyn laughs a bit nervously. “I’m not a religious person at all and I believe strongly in science. And science tell us that it is highly improbable that we are the only lifeforms in the universe. So, that’s where I start from.”

“Makes sense, I’m with you so far.” Ali takes another bite of food and keeps listening.

“If you look back at the historical time period of the ancient Greeks and Romans, there were no formally established religions like there are today and none of the existing scientific theories of creation. What’s also clear is that much of their art or any kind of early written words and numbers were for the purposes of record keeping and documentation. So if we put all that together… if the majority of what they left behind was some form of record, then why should we believe that their depictions of gods and goddesses were merely religious fantasy?” Ashlyn asks rhetorically.

“You lost me a bit.” Ali tries to understand.

“You have two different ancient civilizations, Greeks and Romans, that are depicting various gods, goddesses, and mythological creatures with remarkable consistency. They may have had different names for them, but their art and recordings of these figures and their supernatural capabilities are the pretty much the same. So, why do we assume that this was just a made up form of religion and not something they were actually seeing and didn’t have the words to describe? Especially when the evidence shows that any form of documentation and most artistry was almost solely for factual record-keeping in that time period.” Ashlyn tries to frame it better.

“Wait, so the theory is that mythological gods and creatures actually existed in some way? As in they were here on earth and perhaps some kind of alien species that those early civilizations couldn’t describe because they didn’t have the words for what they were seeing?” Ali feels a bit enlightened.

“That’s the gist of it, yeah.” Ashlyn smiles. “I know it sounds weird and out there on the face of it, but think about living back in a time period where there is no electricity and no real technology, no precedent for any of that stuff. How would you describe something that is powered or can fly, or how would you describe technologically advanced weaponry? A god like Zeus that lives in the sky and rains down thunderbolts is about as good as you’re gonna get, right?”

“That is a highly intriguing consideration.” Ali thinks deeply on it. “I mean, it seems so wild…but I don’t exactly see a big enough hole in the argument to completely throw it out either.”

“Exactly, and that’s what I find so interesting. To think of the remote possibility that other lifeforms may have been on Earth and for some reason left. Which to be honest, given our very violent history, humans are a fucking mess and who could blame them for leaving. The idea that mythology may be some kind of record of that… really cool possibility even if it’s not completely accurate.” Ashlyn elaborates.

“Hmmph.” Ali hums as she continues to think on it.

“There’s other evidence too, like the fact that there was an unparalleled growth in early human knowledge and technology at that time… an alphabet, mathematics, roads and infrastructure. There’s no real explanation as to why that sudden explosion of progress.” Ashlyn explains further.

“Unless we had help.” Ali finishes the statement.

“Right.” Ashlyn nods. “Plus even in other early civilizations, like native tribes, Incans, Mayans, Aztecs, they all have comparable gods and spirits with similar descriptions. So, the evidence kind of piles up and makes you really wonder.”

_She’s really damn philosophical_. “Ok, that is incredibly interesting.” Ali finds herself captivated by the idea. “I can’t say it’s really my style to delve into that kind of stuff, but I absolutely do not find it weird and you have an enthralling theory there, Stanford.”

“Oh god no, I take zero credit. I’ve just read about theories that others have developed, so none of it is original. It’s not like I put a ton of stock into it, but I find it intriguing.” Ashlyn shrugs. “So, you don’t think I’m nuts then?” She questions with a smile.

“Not even a little.” Ali leans closer. “In fact, that profound brain of yours is a real turn on.” She leaves a little peck on her lips. “Just don’t tell me that E.T. lives in your closet and we’re good.” She snickers loudly.

_Her laugh is everything. _“You know your jokes are terrible, right?” Ashlyn laughs along with her.

“And yet, you’re laughing…soooo, false.” Ali counters.

“It’s because I can literally feel your laugh in my chest, Al. I love your laugh.” Ashlyn admits sweetly. “So, I just ignore the terrible jokes that brought it on.” She adds in jest.

“Rude!” Ali pretends to be offended, watching Ashlyn’s face drop just slightly before she pulls her into another kiss, this one more heated. “And so damn sweet too.” She mutters against Ashlyn’s lips.

“I’m good like that.” Ashlyn grins. “Thanks for not thinking I’m weird.”

“Well now, hold up a sec.” Ali holds up a finger. “I still need confirmation on whether or not E.T. lives in your closet before I come to a proper conclusion.”

“That’s a negative.” Ashlyn chuckles heartily.

“Phew, we’re good to go!” Ali giggles and reaches to entwine her fingers with Ashlyn’s while they finish up dinner.

\------

_What am I even doing right now? _Ali suddenly feels overwhelmed by the sense of natural domesticity and ease she feels at the moment. It has been growing from the minute she walked into the penthouse today and is reaching a peak. She’s standing in the kitchen of a client that she’s known for just over a month and loading the dishwasher as the woman rinses and hands her dishes. The two of them working around each other comfortably like they’ve been doing it for years. This after the woman cooked her an amazing meal and provided wonderful dinner conversation. _A client. _The absurdity of it all makes her head spin for a second, until Ashlyn splashes her and brings her back from her thoughts.

“Where’d you go for a minute there, Harvard?” Ashlyn teases.

One look at the mirthful little twinkle in Ashlyn’s eyes and the dimpled smile directed at her is all it takes for Ali to realize that whatever she’s feeling is most certainly shared in this moment. _Not just a client… Ashlyn Harris. _Ashlyn Harris who has found her way into the deepest places of her soul and reshaped her world in no time at all. She’s not really a fan of doing dishes, but here she is happily partaking…the most mundane life task becoming brighter because of who she’s doing it with. _So this is real love. _Ali can’t help but laugh out loud at the thought, watching Ashlyn’s eyebrow raise in confusion at the outburst of laughter.

“Sorry, I just zoned out for a second.” Ali starts to shrug the whole thing off until she remembers the importance of the honesty between them. “I was just struck by how natural this feels with you despite the circumstances and even though we haven’t known each other that long. How domestic and routine it seems, like we’ve been doing it forever.” She smiles and turns a bit to wrap her arms around Ashlyn’s waist. “And I really like it.”

“I really like it too.” Ashlyn smiles widely and leaves a gentle kiss on her lips.

“Ready for that chocolate torte yet?” Ali breaks the moment.

“Let’s do it.” Ashlyn replies with enthusiasm.

\-----

“Al, this is the best chocolate dessert I’ve ever had! Ever!” Ashlyn exclaims after just two bites.

“There you go again.” Ali shakes her head with a smile at the woman’s extravagant wording. “But thank you.”

“I’m so serious. I need this recipe.” Ashlyn insists. “This is so fucking good!”

“Hmmm. Well it’s a secret family recipe, sooo…” Ali taps her chin for effect. “Really gonna have to work it in your business suit if you have any chance of prying it out of me, Stanford.”

Ashlyn lets out a loud guffaw at the joke. “How about a birthday suit instead?”

“Sold!” Ali plays back. “Glad you like it. Like I said, really simple. It’s just store-bought cocoa powder with eggs and melted butter. Just a matter of how you mix it and being careful not to overcook it. The ganache is just a seedless raspberry jam warmed up with some honey to thin it a bit. Truly easy.”

“No kidding? This is seriously so rich and five-star level for something so easy. I’m still way impressed.” Ashlyn finishes her slice in just another two bites.

“Ok fine, I was trying to impress you.” Ali lightheartedly admits.

“I knew it!” Ashlyn laughs, putting her empty plate on the coffee table and sitting back on the couch. “So full.” She pats her stomach.

“Me too. Perfect time to chat while we digest.” Ali puts her own empty plate down and curls into Ashlyn’s side.

“I’m ready. Guide me down the path of insight, baby.” Ashlyn wraps an arm around the brunette’s shoulders and gets comfortable.

“Well, that’s actually what I want to talk about, the guiding thing.” Ali thinks about how she wants to word it before continuing. “My role to this point has been exactly that, to be the one that navigates you towards understanding yourself better, guiding you towards healing and reaching the goals you want reach.”

“That sounds far too simple to describe this whole thing, but sure.” Ashlyn responds lightly.

“Just keeping the concept simple, my apologies to Queen Stanford the Grand.” Ali teases.

“Funny, Harvard.” Ashlyn nudges the brunette’s head with her own. “Sorry to interrupt, continue.”

“It took some deep conversations, trust building, and tearing down walls, but we got there together…we reached your main goal. Would you agree?” Ali doesn’t want to push her own assessment onto Ashlyn.

“Definitely.” Ashlyn replies easily, a smile appearing on her face at the thought before dropping when it suddenly hits her what Ali might be getting at in saying that they reached the goal. _Shit, is this the end already?_

“Ash, relax. We still have a little way to go together here.” Ali quickly reassures the woman when she sees the look of panic on her face, immediately knowing what it means.

_Never fails to read my mind. _“Yeah, ok…I just thought…” Ashlyn stumbles to find the right way to say it, but gives up when Ali kisses her jaw and squeezes her slightly.

“It’s ok, I know. Not where I’m going with this though.” Ali assures her again.

Ashlyn makes a show of letting out a relieved breath. “Alright, I’m good. Go on.”

“We’ve had a pretty steady roadmap we’ve been following to this point, like I said, me navigating. And we got to our initial landmark, so naturally, it’s time to change it up.” Ali says cheerily.

“Oh boy.” Ashlyn pretend grimaces. “You never cease to throw me for a loop, Harvard. What are we gonna do now? Some off-roading perhaps?” She plays into Ali’s metaphor.

“Nah, we still follow the road.” Ali laughs lightly at Ashlyn’s response.

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming.” Ashlyn quirks an eyebrow.

“But… time for me to see how you drive, babe.” Ali smiles. “We’re putting you in the driver’s seat.”

“Awww, but I like being a passenger!” Ashlyn whines playfully. “Really though?”

“Really.” Ali says more seriously. “I’ve worked together with you to learn what works for you and to help you build the tools to be successful at breaking down barriers to the intimate experiences you want for yourself. But it doesn’t come full circle until you get comfortable with leading those experiences yourself and feeling empowered to do that. So, to put it very simply… we let you guide things now.”

“Hmmm.” Ashlyn considers it. “Like with everything else, I trust you, Al. I’m game.”

“You really do make it so easy on me.” Ali nuzzles into the crook of the woman’s neck.

“Except I have no idea where to start on what I just agreed to, so maybe not so easy.” Ashlyn shrugs with a laugh.

“It’s really just about acting on what feels natural and good to you from this point forward. You’re going to set the pace for us and decide on the when and how of whatever goals you still want to reach.” Ali explains. “It’s not something you have to be thinking about all the time or even have an agenda at all. More just letting yourself control moments when you’re with me and not waiting for me to do that. Does that make sense?”

“It does. I think I can do that.” Ashlyn buries her nose in Ali’s hair and breathes her in for a second. “It actually sounds really nice.”

“I think you’ll find it to be even more groundbreaking than what we’ve accomplished to this point.” Ali tells her.

“I will totally take your word for it.” Ashlyn says agreeably before adding “Even if I’m driving blind.”

“First off, you should know it’s one of those student driver cars where I still have a brake pedal on the passenger’s side if we need it.” Ali nudges her with a smile. “And I wouldn’t throw you in the driver’s seat before we looked at the map together, Stanford. So, ready to have a look?”

“You coddle me and I love it.” Ashlyn laughs. “Ready.”

“Pretty simple really and we’ve already had this conversation to some extent, but the focus was on the more immediate goal back then. Now I just want you to look a bit further. So, listen to my question and really think about it before you answer. Take your time.” Ali instructs.

“Got it.” Ashlyn nods.

“I’ve asked you before what you ultimately want out of this experience. And your answer at that time was centered around achieving comfortable penetration and then eventually working towards ‘less vanilla’ sexual experiences like you used to enjoy before.” Ali reminds her before continuing. “So now that we reached the main goal, I want you to think more deeply about the question again and be a bit more detailed. Ideally, what do you want to achieve in our time together that will help you take steps forward?”

Ashlyn follows the brunette’s advice and takes a minute to really think on it before ultimately finding herself settling on many of the same things that had been running through her head most of the weekend.

“I think first and foremost, I want to feel confident and comfortable that the success wasn’t a fluke, you know?” Ashlyn finds Ali’s warm eyes. “I certainly don’t feel like it was by any means, but just after everything…I want to know that I can do it again without you having to be so careful and get also further with it like I was ready to last time.”

“I completely get that and I think it’s important too.” Ali affirms. “More fingers and less cautious lead-up…got it.” She brings some lightness.

“Exactly! You always know what’s up.” Ashlyn chuckles at the brunette’s right-to-the-point with no filter approach.

“Keep going.” Ali smiles and encourages her.

“And when I say comfortable, I also want it to just feel like second nature again.” Ashlyn puts more emphasis on that aspect. “I just want to go with whatever flow I’m in and not have any element of feeling like there’s planning behind it if that makes sense. And also to not have to work myself up by having you go first.”

“I get you completely.” Ali nods. “What else?”

“I think stuff like being more open with positions and related things like that have already started to happen for me with you, and I get the sense that it’ll keep progressing naturally from gaining more overall confidence. I don’t feel like I want to necessarily achieve anything in particular there. I’ll be happy with whatever develops from the moments we have.” Ashlyn says thoughtfully.

“That’s a good way to look at it and approach it. You’re right that there is a natural progression and the best thing is to follow it and not force anything.” Ali agrees. “Anything else?”

“One more thing.” Ashlyn takes a deep breath. “Being a therapist, I know you understand that abuse trauma like the one in my past leaves lingering emotional marks that are damn near impossible to erase.” She pauses for a second and feels Ali hug her a little closer. “I guess my way of dealing with it was finding a way to close the door on it, put a band-aid over the wound and let it be. You know?”

Ali stays quiet and nods, moving her hand up and running it along the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder soothingly.

“I never entertained the idea of trying to open in up and heal it any better than that, but I think maybe…like if I could just put one solid stitch in a big part of that leftover wound. I don’t even know that it actually heals anything, but if that one big stitch just holds it together better then maybe it would be worth trying.” Ashlyn tries to get to some kind of point. “I just trust you completely and I’m thinking that maybe this is my moment to give it a shot is all.”

“Ok, beautiful. I hear you.” Ali hugs her tight, the statement being too vague for her to fully understand exactly Ashlyn is talking about. “You want to talk about it more specifically?”

“Not right now.” Ashlyn admits sheepishly, definitely not ready to get into more detail. “I really hope I can get myself to try like I want to, but I can’t fully guarantee that when the moment comes…” She trails off.

“Ash, it’s okay.” Ali gently holds the woman’s face in her hands, locking onto slightly worried looking hazel. “I’ll be right here and ready to move the damn world with you if you want to try. And if not, I’m still here just the same, and proud of you just the same, and ready to enjoy every damn second with you just the same. I love you, and that too will be exactly the same no matter what. Understand?”

_What did I do to deserve you in my life for even a minute? Must’ve been pretty fucking good._ “Thank you.” Ashlyn tries not to tear up. “You just… you make my whole world go…” She doesn’t finish the statement, instead leaning for a romantic kiss that she feels down to her toes. Ali’s hands move to the back of her neck, the soft pads of the brunette’s fingers brushing against her hairline suddenly ratcheting up the level of desire.

_It gets impossibly better every time. Every single time, I fall deeper into you. _Ali gets wrapped up in the kiss, her mind wondering if there is any end to her ever-strengthening feelings for Ashlyn. On the face of it, there has to be an end when this is over. She’s not at all confident in that logic though. How does something like this ever completely end? Ashlyn’s low moan and probing tongue break through her thoughts, reminding her that she needs to at least wrap-up their conversation before she loses her composure.

“Hey you, hold on just a second. We didn’t finish our discussion.” Ali pulls back and watches Ashlyn’s bottom lip stick out in a pout. “Oh stop it. I just want to make sure you feel ready to make the shift to being in the driver’s seat. Do you have any hesitations about it or questions? Anything like that?”

“Not at the moment, but I promise to tell you if I do. Think I’m ready to give it a go.” Ashlyn assures her.

“Good. Just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.” Ali smiles.

“We are. And I know we don’t have a lot more time today, but I definitely feel like driving.” Ashlyn smirks and pulls the brunette onto her lap, going right back to the heavy make-out session they had sparked up a minute ago.

\------

“Fuck, Alex…” Ashlyn gets out through ragged breathing, her backside pressed to the back of couch with Ali held against her front, both of them naked and slightly sweaty with hard sensitive nipples that they’ve spent the last fifteen minutes working into that state. “Wanted to make you…mmmmm.” Ashlyn can’t finish her sentence without kissing the sexy brunette again.

“Make me what?” Ali mumbles against the woman’s lips, but presses her tongue into her mouth without letting her answer. Ashlyn thigh is sliding between her legs and she’s so turned on by the sculpted body against her that she’s ready to explode.

“More comfortable.” Ashlyn manages to get out and pries one of her hands off Ali’s hips just long enough to motion towards the stairs. “Fuck…yes.” She grunts when Ali mouth latches back onto her nipple again. “Uhnn…can’t wait…can’t make it upstairs. Jesus, that’s so fucking good.” Her words are just a mumble.

“Are you comfortable here?” Ali lifts her head a bit to check.

“Yeah, I just want you so damn bad.” Ashlyn husks, one hand sliding up the brunette’s back and into her hair. “But you…”

“Perfectly happy with where we are.” Ali finishes for her. “You are so fucking hot. God, the way you feel on my body.” She drops her head down and nibbles the skin behind Ashlyn’s ear before pulling the woman’s earlobe into her mouth. “Mmmmmm.” She moans at how Ashlyn’s fingertips press into the sweet spot on the back of her neck.

“I’m so worked up…” Ashlyn admits through a low whine, Ali’s palm sliding against her nipple.

“What do you want, baby?” Ali sucks on the woman’s pulse point.

“You…you inside me.” Ashlyn voices directly even as she realizes more specifically what she wants. “Can we…together?” She slides her hand down Ali’s shoulders, across her side, over her hip, and finally rests it on the small strip of well-trimmed curls between the brunette’s legs.

“God yes, gorgeous.” Ali replies eagerly. “Can’t wait to feel you.” She follows Ashlyn’s lead moving her hand down to the same spot on the woman’s apex and waiting there.

“Alex?” Ashlyn locks onto fiery whiskey, reaching for brunette’s hand with her own and entwining them right there in the tight space between their centers. “I just love you so much, sweetheart.” She lets go of the fervor of the moment for a minute in favor of the loving ache that radiates through her chest.

“I love you too, Ash.” Ali kisses her really softly. “And I love that I love you.” She tries to convey it with more depth, watching a sweet, mirthful little twinkle flash across green-swirled hazel.

“You’re everything. I mean that.” Ashlyn feels the urgency come rushing back, capturing Ali’s lips hungrily and swallowing the loud moan the brunette empties into her mouth. She keeps up the intense kiss until she needs air, dragging her mouth along Ali’s jaw and freeing their joined hands. “Follow my lead, just do what I do.” She instructs as she nibbles the shell of the brunette’s ear.

“That’s it babe, I love it already.” Ali feels herself stir at the demand. She doesn’t have to wait long, Ashlyn immediately lets go of her hand and slips a long finger inside her. “God that’s amazing.” She moans loudly, momentarily forgetting what she’s supposed to be doing until she feels Ashlyn’s thighs shift against her own. She quickly coats her finger in Ashlyn’s wetness and presses it into the woman’s entrance, unable to stop the smile on her face when it goes in easily just like last time.

“Mmmmgod yes! You feel so damn good.” Ashlyn lets out short puffing breaths, slowly thrusting in and out of Ali so the brunette will do the same.

Ali has to work hard to not get too caught up so she can pay attention and mimic Ashlyn’s movement. She’s never been so challenged to stay focused like she is with Ashlyn, the woman makes her head spin and her body go into overdrive. “Mmmm…uhhnn…” She hones in on the increasing speed and follows suit, her hips starting to gyrate involuntarily.

“Al…mmmm…” Ashlyn can’t stick to her own teasing pace for long, her body too desperate for more. “So fucking hot.” She captures the brunette’s lips in a bruising kiss as she feels herself already starting to climb to release. Her core is throbbing and begging for increased pressure and everything in her wants to oblige, to slip another finger into Ali so that she’ll get the same in return. “Oh god…oh fuck…there!” Ali’s fingertip hits the perfect spot inside her. She feels herself getting close, feels Ali’s body quivering against her skin. Everything is pleading with her to go for that second finger, but her mind knows better. Ali put her in charge, trusted that she knows what she needs for herself…complete comfort, now is the time to make sure she has that before she does anything else.

“Jesus Ash, you are so damn good…you are so fucking good…” Ali breathes raggedly in the woman’s ear, her free arm wrapped tightly around Ashlyn’s shoulders and holding her tight. Ashlyn is plunging into her at an earnest pace now, the growing intensity giving every indication that they’re headed to the next level. Ali’s hips gyrate with more speed, anticipating the sure to come pleasure of another finger. “I’m getting really close…” She makes sure Ashlyn knows she’s on the edge.

“Me too…Al…fuck, you feel so good inside me.” Ashlyn kisses her deeply again and just presses her finger in as far as she can and curls it firmly against Ali’s warm walls. She feels Ali stop moving inside her for a split second before the brunette finally registers and presses in deep. “Oh my fucking, god…Allleeex, oh fuck don’t stop, don’t stop.” The delicious tingle in her lower belly grows fast, her ab muscles tighten and her hips buck wildly into the brunette’s hand as the orgasm hits her hard. She moves her own finger more deeply against silky walls and hears Ali let out a few loud keening moans, blunt fingernails digging into her shoulder blade.

“I’m there…I’m fucking…uhhnnn, Ash!” Ali starts to kiss Ashlyn, but she can’t breathe, instead emptying moans against the woman’s parted lips that are vibrating unintelligible expletives against her own.

“Mmmm yes…I love that, baby…I love that.” Ali eventually breathes out at the feel of Ashlyn’s knuckles now lightly dragging along her folds. She slowly slips out of the woman’s center and returns the perfect feather-light touch.

“Mmmhmm…you…are everything good and then some.” Ashlyn eventually manages to kiss the brunette properly, keeping it slow and deliberate so they can still breathe. “You’re my perfect. Absolutely perfect.” She rolls onto her back and pulls Ali on top of her, hugging her close to her chest so she can enjoy the brunette’s perfect weight.

“That was so fucking incredible. Being with you is like nothing else…there really aren’t words.” Ali smiles into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck, forever addicted to the way this woman holds her so gently but so securely. “And I’m so beyond impressed. I thought for sure you were going for that second finger, but I’m so damn proud that you stayed true to what you actually needed.” She whispers reverently in her ear.

“Oh I sure as hell would have if you were the one driving, Harvard. But then you knew to put me in charge of myself…and then the whole ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ thing took over. And I just knew to not to push just yet. It’s official, you’re truly a mastermind.” Ashlyn concedes with a huge smile. “Leading without even leading, you fucking genius. And I love you so damn much.”

“You give me too much credit.” Ali picks her head up and brushes a few strands of hair from Ashlyn’s sweaty forehead. “I really love you too.” She leans in for a sweet kiss before resting her head down on Ashlyn’s chest. She happily listens to the woman’s heart drum steadily against her ear for a while, just now noticing how quiet it is and that they got so caught that they forgot to put on music like they usually do. She smiles at the progress, knowing it’s now another thing Ashlyn no longer really needs to get herself going.

Ashlyn breathes in Ali’s scent, realizing that the room is darker with only the glow from the light in the kitchen and signaling that the brunette’s departure is near. _Too soon as always. It’s never long enough. _“Hey, you know what’s even better than chocolate cake _before_ an amazing orgasm?” She breaks the peaceful silence.

“What’s that?” Ali picks her head up and finds bright green hazel eyes looking back her adoringly, unable to stop herself from stealing a quick kiss.

“Chocolate cake _after _an amazing orgasm.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows. “You in?”

“So in! I guess you’re stuck with me for a little longer.” Ali smirks and sits up, straddling Ashlyn’s hips.

“That was the whole point, sweetheart.” Ashlyn grins and pulls the brunette into another kiss before either of them can make a move towards the cake on the coffee table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, who's the better driver? Tough call.
> 
> Also, thanks for all the questions/thoughts/love on Twitter...you all are truly the best :-)


	29. Fit for an Emperor (Session 13-Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Ashlyn is taking her role as driver seriously, so let's see what the next destination is...
> 
> As usual, let me know what you think in the comments and have a great start to the week! :-)

Session 13 (Part 1) – Fit for an Emperor

“Paging Dr. Watson! Dr. Watson, you are needed for cleanup in aisle 5!” Whitney rolls her eyes as Ashlyn’s voice booms over her personal intercom. She doesn’t bother replying and just saves what she was working on before walking a few doors down to her best friend’s office.

“I swear if you even called me in here to show me another pair of shoes you are thinking of buying…” Whitney warns her. Usually online shopping is Megan and Ashlyn’s thing, but since Megan has been at a two-day training, Whitney has been suffering as her replacement. She still can’t help but find it bizarre that the two butchest women she knows are both obsessed with high fashion.

“No, no, I promise!” Ashlyn waves her into the office. “Just need your opinion. You think I’m going for too much?” She holds her phone out for Whitney to take.

Whitney takes a few seconds to read over the text message typed on Ashlyn’s phone before looking at who the message is to and putting it all together. “Woah… I mean that in a good way. Not too much, but is this how it works?” She asks curiously once she’s over the initial surprise.

“Well, we’re at the point where I’m supposed to be the one directing what I want to achieve so-to-speak. This is one of those kill two birds with one stone things I guess. When I’m with her, it’s…I just feel like I can try some things that I haven’t been willing to.” Ashlyn explains and sees Whitney smile. “Anyway, the point was not whether or not I should try it. What I want to know is... the location, too much?”

“Alright, I see what you’re saying.” Whitney considers the question. “I get your concern. The thing is, given the way you feel about her, you’ll want everything you do with her to be at the highest level. And that means being a bit over-the-top, right? I mean, grand gesture is like your calling card.”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I suppose I could have found somewhere that is less ba-boom, you know? But this is also for me, and this place fits the whole feel I want. Probably because I’ll be with her though…uugggh, I’m going in circles. You’re the uptight one that’s supposed to reign me in and stop me from going in circles!” She groans.

“I’m going to ignore the uptight comment because you’re a wreck without me.” Whitney retorts. “Moving on! You’re not gonna get any more private, open-spaced, and comfortable than this place. It definitely checks off all the requirements perfectly. Given what I’m assuming you’re trying to do here, I say go for it. I sure as hell don’t think she’s going to mind, and the way she reads you so well…she’ll get it.” Whitney says resolutely.

“Yeah?” Ashlyn checks again.

“Yes! Do it!” Whitney confirms. “I am totally all for this.”

“You really don’t think…” Ashlyn starts to ask hesitantly again before she’s cut off.

“Send the fucking text, Harris!” Whitney looks at her sternly.

“Ok, geez!” Ashlyn takes a deep breath and finally hits the send button. “There. Such a fucking dictator!” She grumbles with a smile.

“That’s what you called me in to be. So, you’re fucking welcome!” Whitney shakes her head and shoots a mock glare at her.

“Awww, thank you my loveliest, sweetest, bestest!” Ashlyn stands up and opens her arms for a hug.

“I’m happy you’re going for it.” Whitney says sincerely as she returns the hug. “Even if you’re hopeless without me.” She adds teasingly.

“Truth.” Ashlyn concedes with a laugh. “And speaking of hopeless without you...tell me what you think of these new Balenciaga boots.” She motions for Whitney to look at the computer screen.

“Abso-fucking-lutely not!” Whitney throws her hands up and heads for the door.

“Whiiiiit!” Ashlyn whines.

“The number you dialed is not in service, please call 1-800-TWERP-CFO.” Whit jokes at Megan’s expense.

“I’m so telling her you said that!” Ashlyn chuckles loudly.

“Counting on it!” Whitney calls from the hallway.

\------

“Oh.” Ali can’t help but audibly comment, her eyes widening she sees the text from Ashlyn.

_Ashlyn: If you’re ok with it, I’d like to meet at AIRE Ancient Baths tomorrow at our normal time. I think it’s not too far from you, on Franklin St. Promise it’s not quite what it seems and within our therapy boundaries. And all on me of course. Thoughts?_

“Oh Em Gee, did someone send you a nudie?!” Kyle tries to scoot over from his side of the table to see, but Ali quickly pulls her phone away.

“No! Stop being nosey!” Ali lightly pushes him back toward his chair.

“Fine! But you’re blushing majorly over there and I wanna know why.” He insists.

“It’s my client, which is why you aren’t allowed to see. And the gist of it is that she wants to meet at a very high-end spa place tomorrow. Happy now?” Ali gets it over with.

“Ohhh, where?” Kyle inquires.

“Again, not giving you details like that because it could give away identity.” Ali reminds him.

“It’s not like I’m gonna show up.” Kyle huffs.

“Still a no.” Ali replies more impatiently.

“You suck!” He sticks his tongue out. “So, Ruby wants to take you a luxury spa, huh? The fire is white hot, hunny!”

“To say the least.” Ali smiles. “I feel like I should be asking some questions, but we’ve turned the corner of her taking some control. I guess I’ll just have to live with the mystery until I get there.”

“Ha, more like you gave her the keys and she is clearly a smooth as fuck operator!” Kyle replies in amusement, using his sister’s own ‘your turn to drive’ metaphor to torture her.

“Basically.” Ali laughs lightly.

“Look at that ridiculous smile on your face!” He teases. “I personally love that woman and you can’t stop me. Soooo, whatcha gonna reply?”

Ali just rolls her eyes at him and types her reply before digging back into her salad, ignoring his grumbles while he goes back to eating his sandwich.

_Ali Krieger: As usual with you, this is a first. Totally trust you and I’m there. So, I’ve been to a spa before but nothing like this one, do I need a bathing suit of some sort? Anything else I need? Can’t wait!_

She only manages two more bites before her phone vibrates again.

_Ashlyn: Nothing needed except that beautiful smile of yours. Can’t wait either, baby._

“Well, I was gonna say we needed to go bikini shopping after lunch...but apparently not.” Ali smirks as her cheeks get red again.

“Oh giiiiiirl! Coming in hot and naked!” He says loud enough so the people at the table next to them look over. “Sorry, hot date tonight. Little too excited.” He points to himself.

“I can’t take you anywhere.” Ali shakes her head.

“And yet, you do.” Kyle shrugs. “Mmmkay, so no bikini shopping. Mani pedi instead? Maybe a little bikini wax touchup for good measure?” He suggests.

“Definitely!” Ali nods enthusiastically, never happier to have a gay brother who gets it.

\------

“Yeah, this will definitely do.” Ashlyn whispers to herself and takes a look around the large cavernous space, the walls lined with large limestone bricks, the ceiling featuring exposed dark wood beams. The perfectly dim lighting comes from countless candle-lit lanterns placed all over, a large heated-bath pool takes up most of the center of the room. There are various styles of comfortably pillowed chairs and ottomans all around, a large two-person massage table in one corner and an open-style rain shower in the other.

“The refreshments are part of the package you selected, Ms. Harris. Please help yourself and let us know if you need absolutely anything at all. We’ll show Ms. Krieger in as soon as she arrives.” The hostess who earlier introduced herself as Lila points to two different bar counters that have various cheese, fruit, and chocolate trays and a slew drink options spanning from hard liquor and wine to mineral water.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn smiles and watches the woman leave. As much as the atmosphere could not be more inviting or relaxing, she can feel herself starting to get nervous. She showed up a bit early so that Ali wouldn’t have to walk into an empty room, but she hopes that brunette gets here really soon. Although the front desk staff took her coat, she’s still far too overdressed for the warm room. So, she busies herself by stripping down to her boxers and tank undershirt before putting on one of the bathrobes hanging up near the shower area. She’s just settling herself into one of the chairs when the door opens.

Ali doesn’t even look at the room when the hostess leads her in, her eyes immediately focusing on Ashlyn who jumps right out of her chair and starts to walk over with a grin that could light up the whole place. The exuberant look on the woman’s face makes her own lips curl into a beaming smile that makes her cheeks hurt. “Hey Ash.” She gives a little wave and starts to make her way over to the woman, but the hostess breaks the moment right as she gets to Ashlyn.

“Welcome ladies! Now that you’re both here, I’ll just quickly go over how this works. Very simple really. You have a four-hour package with couple’s massage. Everything in the room is included, so please help yourself and use anything as you wish.” Lila explains with an inviting smile.

“The first hour and a half, we just let you relax in whatever way you’d like. So, you have full privacy and no one will interrupt you. Once you feel ready for the massage, you can disrobe, get comfortable on the massage table, and cover yourselves with the blankets from the warming cabinet over there.” She points to the massage table area. “Then just press the green button on the remote control that’s on the massage table and your masseuses will be in within five minutes. Once they are done, you’ll have about another hour or so to relax in private again. We play a little bell tone in the room to let you know when there are fifteen minutes left. Do you have any questions?” Lila checks in with them.

“I think we’re good, thank you.” Ashlyn answers for them even as she entwines her hand with Ali’s.

“Excellent. If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask. There’s a phone on the wall over there that connects right to the service desk. We hope you enjoy your time at AIRE.” Lila smiles at them one more time and quickly makes her exit.

“Hi, sweetheart.” Ashlyn’s eyes go right to Ali, her arms wrapping around her waist. She leans right in and kisses her tenderly.

“Hi.” Ali pecks Ashlyn’s lips twice more and hugs her tight before finally looking around. “This is really something insane.” She says in awe. “I feel like I’m in the royal bathroom of some Roman emperor.”

“That’s the whole point.” Ashlyn laughs softly.

“Ancient Baths…right, makes total sense.” Ali giggles at herself.

“To be honest, this was even more lavish than I was expecting. I’ve been here once before and just did a private bath in a single-person room. It was just like a small wooden hot tub in a nice room and nothing at all like this.” Ashlyn reveals.

“Glad to know I’m not the only newbie.” Ali’s curiosity level is at an all-time high, but she tries her best to hide it.

“I know you must be wondering what on earth this is all about, but promise I’ll explain soon.” Ashlyn easily reads the brunette’s inquisitive expression.

“Busted. I’m definitely intrigued, but also nothing if not patient. I can wait.” Ali assures her and leaves a little kiss on her chin.

“Well, we’re alone and it’s pretty warm in here. So, how about you get comfortable and I’ll make us some drinks?” Ashlyn suggests. “Promise I won’t peek.” She adds with a wink.

“Sure you will. I would.” Ali laughs, walking over to look at the drink options on the wet bar. “I’ll go with some of that club soda with a splash of cranberry juice and a lime on the rocks. Can you handle that?” She requests playfully.

“Coming right up.” Ashlyn sets to work, deciding to make the same for herself. She does her best to stay focused on the task, purposely not peeking at Ali undressing a few feet away because she knows the full view will be worth the wait.

“Well now I feel underdressed.” Ali smirks as she walks back over to Ashlyn who is still in the robe.

_Jesus Christ…so worth the wait, she’s flawless. _Ashlyn’s mouth goes dry at the nude vision before her, the elegant surroundings somehow amplifying the brunette’s usual glow. “You are so incredibly beautiful…I just…you’re stunning.” She lightly runs her fingertips up Ali’s arm.

“Your mouth is hanging open, babe.” Ali teases, light pressing up Ashlyn’s chin to close her parted lips.

“You’re damn right it is.” Ashlyn smiles. “I’ll tell you a million times because it’s the truth, you’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.”

“And you are the sweetest, most authentically romantic person I have ever known. Beautiful inside and out in a near impossible balance.” Ali leaves a few kisses along Ashlyn’s jaw and feels her breath hitch. “Also the hottest…and also still way overdressed.” She adds as she lightly tugs the knot on the woman’s robe.

“Not intentionally. Couldn’t exactly be naked when Lila walked in here.” Ashlyn chuckles. “Go ahead.” She encourages Ali to help her out. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds for her robe to be pooled at her feet.

_Damn, Ashlyn._ “Ok, that is incredibly sexy and I’m gonna stop right there for now.” Ali’s eyes go right to Ashlyn’s bra-less nipples that are easily seen poking through the thin, white ribbed-cotton fabric of her fitted tank. The look is paired with tight gray Calvin Klein boxer briefs that further highlight Ashlyn’s long and lean body.

“Your mouth is hanging open, baby.” Ashlyn can’t help but use the brunette’s own line against her, pressing her fingers to Ali’s chin to close her mouth just like the brunette did to her.

“Very funny.” Ali groans with a giggle.

“And if I stay like this, I’ll be going home in wet underwear. Gotta finish the task, Harvard.” Ashlyn motions to the bathing pool. “Besides, Alex likes naked. Remember?”

“Ugh, fine.” Ali pretend pouts even as she pulls the woman’s tank over her head and then works her boxers down to her knees where Ashlyn takes over and shimmies out of them.

“Not gonna lie, I really like you undressing me.” Ashlyn admits.

“I really like it too.” Ali winks. _Like unwrapping the sexiest present ever._

“Come on.” Ashlyn grabs their drinks from the bar top and walks over to the pool, using the stairs to lower herself into the warm water. She settles on a built-in bench along the side and reaches out to hand Ali her drink as she approaches. “So, do you not drink?” She asks quizzically, realizing as she was making their drinks that Ali always chooses water or something similar, but never anything alcoholic.

“No, I definitely do.” Ali sits close enough to press herself into Ashlyn’s side. “I just don’t encourage drinking in sessions. It alters awareness and can numb sensation, which goes entirely against the whole philosophy of what I do. Plus, you don’t want to potentially add something is that going to become a crutch.”

“Makes complete sense. I never would’ve thought of that.” Ashlyn nods. “This feels really damn good.” She puts her drink near the side of the pool and tilts her head back against the ledge to sink into the warm water more, letting her legs float up a bit.

“It really does.” Ali puts her own drink down and reaches to hold Ashlyn’s hand. “I love a good spa day. My best friend would actually die if she knew I was here right now. She and I always said we were going to do a luxury bath spa day. So when we finally got around to it on her 30th birthday, we totally wanted this place. Until we saw the price tag and then opted for the much more reasonable hydro-massage at Juvenex in Midtown.”

“Tell me about your friends.” Ashlyn requests with piqued interest.

“My friends?” Ali repeats the question.

“Yeah, you’ve talked a lot about your brother and mentioned having just a few close friends, but you haven’t said much else.” Ashlyn elaborates. “If you want to that is, and if it doesn’t cross any lines. I just figured that I’ve talked your ear off about mine. I’d like to hear more about the people in your life, if you’re willing.” She back tracks a bit in case it’s an off-limits topic.

“It doesn’t cross any lines.” Ali assures her. “I’m just not used to anyone bothering to ask.” She tries to explain her initial reaction.

“I want to know everything you’ll tell me about yourself, Alex.” Ashlyn turns her head to find Ali’s eyes.

_You care with every fiber of who you are…like no one else._ “I know you do. You’ve said that before.” Ali smiles at her adoringly.

“Meant it.” Ashlyn replies simply.

“Alright, well I’ve told you that my inner circle is pretty small.” Ali dives right in and sees Ashlyn nod. “So, there’s my brother of course. And I do still consider my ex-husband to be one of my closest friends. We went through a lot together, we grew up together, he just gets a lot of things. It took us a while to kind of find our way back to being good friends after the divorce, but his current wife is really cool and she was a big part of facilitating that.”

“Don’t hear that every day. Most people have a jealously hang-up with their partner’s exes.” Ashlyn responds.

“His wife, Kim, is just one of those very self-secure people and Brian really does adore the hell out of her. It’s cute. They have two little boys, 4yrs and 2yrs old, who I love to spoil when I get to see them. They’re over 3 hours away in upstate, so I don’t see them all that much…a couple times a year maybe.” Ali details. “Anyway, it’s nice to still have that connection in my life even if it is a bit bizarre on the face of it.”

“That’s really awesome, Al.” Ashlyn says sincerely. “The way things should be when people are mature.”

“My other two best friends are a bit like yours in a way. One is a bit more grounded and the other tends to fly by the seat of her pants.” Ali keeps going. “So, there’s Heather. She and I grew up here in the city together, she lived like four doors down and we were in practically every class together from kindergarten through high school. Completely inseparable.”

“Is she the Whitney or the Megan?” Ashlyn asks with a smile.

“The Whitney for sure.” Ali laughs lightly. “She’s maybe a little more chill than what you’ve told me about Whitney, but Heather is one of those really practical and laser focused people. Still knows how to let loose though. But to give you a sense, she’s been with the same guy since 8th grade. Really. They’re married, both are doctors and graduated from the same med school with like every honor imaginable.”

“Holy shit, 8th grade?!” Ashlyn exclaims with raised eyebrows.

“Yep, I guess if you know, you know.” Ali shrugs. “They’re still disgustingly passionate about each other and probably the main reason I believe in love if I’m being honest.”

“Damn, that’s amazing. Good for them.” Ashlyn replies completely impressed.

“I’m really missing Heather a lot. They live in Brooklyn, but they’re away right now. She and Dave have always been super career oriented and haven’t really been the type to travel around or really get out much. Anyway, they made a huge decision last year to combine their desire to be more adventurous with their natural career inclinations…opted to do Doctors Without Borders and are currently in Cameroon together. They’ve been there since February.” Ali says a bit solemnly and feels Ashlyn’s arm sneak behind her shoulders.

“They’re busy like every waking hour and communications are terrible. I get an email update or two every month at best. The conditions are just… I worry a lot about them. A lot.” Ali confesses. “They sound happy though. Well, as happy as one can sound as a pediatric trauma surgeon in a war torn, impoverished country. I’m just glad they’re together there at least.”

“She sounds amazing, they both do. True heroes.” Ashlyn settles back against the bench pulls the brunette closer into her side, the soothingly warm water lapping up just below their shoulders.

“She really is.” Ali agrees before moving on. “And then there’s Syd… god, where to even start with Syd.”

“Ah yes, the Megan of your crew.” Ashlyn supplies.

“For sure.” Ali snickers. “Remember how I told you that part of me getting married to Brian right after high school was that I’d be at Harvard and he’d be at M.I.T., and we wanted to live together?” She sees Ashlyn nod. “Well, Harvard wouldn’t approve my petition to live off campus until my junior year no matter what my marital status was. So, Brian got an apartment near M.I.T. and lived there, and of course I spent a ton of time there with him, but I still had a room in the Harvard dorms. Syd was my roommate.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn replies to signal she’s following along.

“Syd and I got along right off the bat. What’s funny is that even though I was at kind of at odds with my mom back then, Syd really reminded me a lot of her. She’s blunt and nothing is off limits. She’s the life of the party, but also extremely intelligent and well spoken. She’s also really self-motivated and driven, a real mover and shaker.” Ali describes her friend.

“Definitely sounds a whole lot like Megan.” Ashlyn smiles. “Is she into women too?” She asks with a laugh.

“Oh god no, she’s as straight as they come. She’s married to Dom who she met at a bar while we were at Harvard. He’s this gorgeous English guy with African American roots who is a high-end personal trainer. He’s not quite on her level, but he treats her like gold and isn’t a narcissistic douche like a lot of personal trainers can be. They live in Chicago.” Ali replies.

“What does Syd do for a living?” Ashlyn inquires.

“She’s as self-made as you are actually. She grew up in Canada, raised by a single mom and they didn’t have much.” Ali says fondly. “Anyway, she was a business and communications double-major at Harvard. Eventually started her own little digital marketing company which really took off. She has a lot of big US clients now and just picked up a couple international ones. She does really well for herself.”

“Syd as in Sydney Leroux-Dwyer? The founder and CEO of Rogue Lab?” A lightbulb goes off in Ashlyn’s head.

“Uh, yeah. Wait, do you know her?” Ali asks in surprise.

“Well, not really. We were just barely introduced to each other at some business event I went to a couple years ago. But I certainly know of her.” Ashlyn elaborates. “The female business world is not that big. Women who are founders and CEOs of companies are a relatively rare breed. Given the parallel work that I do, I know most of the prominent marketing firms in the big cities. The ones with female founders and CEOs stick out in my head. And bad ass female CEOs with visible tattoos definitely stick out in my head even more.” Ashlyn smirks, remembering all of Sydney’s ink on display in their one encounter.

“Oh my god, you checked out my best friend!” Ali playfully looks at Ashlyn.

“Well I certainly noticed that she was an attractive woman, but I was in absolutely no mindset back then to check out anyone.” Ashlyn shrugs and feels the brunette squeeze her thigh. “Plus her fake eyelashes gave off straight vibes that could be felt on the moon.” She adds with a laugh.

“Like I said, sooo straight!” Ali giggles in agreement. “Such a small world. So yeah, that’s my rambunctious best friend that keeps me on my toes. I still remember when I told her on the first day we met that I was married to Brian…she said ‘are you out of your damn mind?!’”

“Sounds about right, the bad ass business ladies don’t tend to mince words. It’s in the blood.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“So, I just I want to remind you that I don’t ever reveal anything to people in my life that would identify you.” Ali assures Ashlyn now that they’ve realized they have a mutual social connection, even if it’s minimal.

“I don’t question your integrity for a second, Al. Never have.” Ashlyn says appreciatively.

“Just the same, you can be confident about it.” Ali rests her the side of head on against Ashlyn’s.

“Do you have any sense of when Heather will be back? I know nothing about how Doctors Without Borders works.” Ashlyn moves the conversation along.

“They signed up for two concurrent assignments, but planned it so that they’ll be home for like three weeks around Christmas before they head off to Ethiopia in mid-January.” Ali answers. “I’m actually really excited about it. Not just to see her, but also because Syd and Dom are coming here for Christmas too when they usually go to London to visit Dom’s family. So, it’ll be the first time in a very long time we’ll all be together and the holiday will make it extra fun.”

“Awww, sounds like you’re in for a pretty amazing holiday season.” Ashlyn smiles. “So is it usually you, your brother, Heather and her husband for holidays?”

“Pretty much. Heather and Dave’s families still live here in NYC too, so it typically includes some combination of them as well.” Ali replies. “What about you? I know you used to visit your grandma for holidays.” She asks as sensitively as she can.

“It has kind of been a mix of things the last few years. At first I went with Whit to visit her parents in Cali. Megan’s parents are there too, so it was a big blend of family madness. And then I met Crystal and she really had no one, you know? So, we just kind of started doing our own thing. And then she met her now-fiancé Pierre, so now it depends on whether he’s here or she’s in France with him. This year she’ll be around for Thanksgiving and then in France for Christmas. Whitney and Megan will stay in NYC for Christmas this year, so I’ll spend it with them. Anyway, it changes a lot, but it has generally been low-key and I’m thankful no matter who I’m with… think I appreciate the holidays more that way.” Ashlyn reveals.

Ali doesn’t say anything, instead reaching to frame Ashlyn’s cheek with her hand and pulling her in for a slow passionate kiss.

“What was that for?” Ashlyn asks even as she still ghosts the brunette’s lips.

“I just love who you are.” Ali kisses her softly again. “Couldn’t resist.”

“Thank god for being irresistible.” Ashlyn grins. “Same goes for you, sweetheart.”

“Loving who I am or the irresistible part?” Ali asks with a playful smirk.

“Both, lovebug.” Ashlyn pulls the brunette completely onto her lap and pecks her lips sweetly.

“Oh look at you…lovebug, huh?” Ali challenges. “I don’t hate it.” She giggles after considering it, but she can sense the slight shift between them. She easily reads that Ashlyn has turned to flirty teasing because something weightier is on her mind now that their friendly conversation is reaching an endpoint. She silently runs her hands lightly over the top of the woman’s shoulders a few times, watching her face relax and hazel eyes close. When she hears Ashlyn let out a slow breath, she moves her hands to hold the woman’s face… her thumbs lightly stroking along her jaw before she presses their foreheads together.

“Tell me why we’re here, gorgeous.” Ali leaves a feather light kiss on Ashlyn’s lips and waits.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, why do you think Ashlyn chose this place?
> 
> Questions, comments, etc...  
Twitter: InkedWrite11  
Email: InkedWrite@yahoo.com


	30. Massage of Two (Session 13-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Important Posting Notice*******
> 
> So, a couple of things I want to forewarn you about when it comes to the posting frequency of chapters. 
> 
> First, it'll only be about 5 more chapters before you're caught up to where I am in writing this story. Although it is all outlined, it does take me a quite a while to write chapters given their length and how little time I can devote to writing. That means that at some point in the relatively near future, updates will take longer to post.
> 
> More importantly, I very recently had to schedule a significant repair surgery for my arm in mid-January (happy new year to me). That will of course keep me completely away from a computer for about a couple weeks and how much I can manage to write/type after those initial weeks will just depend on how recovery/rehab goes for me. I'm really sorry that there will be a hiatus during that time, but you can rest assured that I will never abandon this story!
> 
> I'm going to generally keep up the twice a week posting schedule for as long as I can, but I hope you can hang in and be patient when there are delays I can't avoid. And while I'm here, just want to tell you all how much I appreciate the time you all take to read the story and the feedback and love you send me!  
********************************************************
> 
> Sorry to drop that on you! But hopefully the rest of this session helps soften the blow :-)  
As usual, let me know what you're thinking in the comments!

Session 13 (Part 2) – Massage of Two

_“Tell me why we’re here, gorgeous.” Ali leaves a feather light kiss on Ashlyn’s lips and waits._

_Continuation…_

“It’s really a two-part thing.” Ashlyn gives herself a second to think about how she wants to start. Ali is straddling her lap, so she wraps her arms around the brunette’s waist and hugs her close. She ducks her head under Ali’s chin and against her chest, finding comfort in the woman’s heartbeat as the water swirls around them.

“Take your time.” Ali rests her cheek against the top of Ashlyn’s head and gently rubs the back of the woman’s shoulders.

“So, we’ve talked about how bland my minimal sex life has been for the last few years. And one of the things that I lost the ability to enjoy is more risqué settings. For obvious reasons, I’ve never been one for sex in public, but there was a time when I did enjoy the slight thrill of potentially getting caught or even just spicing things up with a creative location.” Ashlyn lays it out. “Very simply, I want that back. To feel comfortable enough to be more adventurous.”

“So, a place like this then?” Ali clarifies. “Where there’s no major risk of someone walking in because we’ve been assured privacy, but there’s always the smallest chance that makes it exciting.”

“Exactly right.” Ashlyn confirms. “The atmosphere is sexy and different, and there’s just enough thrill to it to be adventurous while still comfortable.”

“Definitely well within our reach today.” Ali kisses Ashlyn’s forehead. “What’s the second part, babe?”

Ashlyn lets out a long breath. “Just like we’ve talked about before, if I have a basic level of comfort with a person, I actually like my back touched. It admittedly took me a long time after I physically healed to be okay with my back being touched, but once I was ok with it, as counterintuitive as it seems, I like it. I still don’t like people behind me where I can’t see them, and I have to feel generally safe in the situation and know or anticipate that the touch is gonna happen so I’m not surprised by it, but I do really like it. It’s almost like there is something soothing about feeling a sensation there that isn’t rooted in pain, you know?” She does her best to describe it.

“I understand what you’re saying and remember you also telling me that the people you’ve dated really haven’t done it much because of whatever assumptions they’ve made.” Ali encourages her to continue.

“Right. And I haven’t been very good about openly telling people that I like it because of my hang-up on how they might be feeling about it and worrying that they’re gonna be grossed out.” Ashlyn reiterates things she and Ali have already discussed before getting to the point.

“I think we’ve made some really great progress on that together.” Ali says positively.

“Absolutely have.” Ashlyn agrees and kisses her collarbone. “Today is an extension of that. I’ve never gotten a massage. I’ve always wanted to, but just haven’t been able to get myself to do it.” She divulges. “I’ve been close to thinking I might just be able to go for it, but then the level of vulnerability with a stranger and the hang-up of what they might be thinking. And then trying to find the right atmosphere where I feel like I can move enough to see if I need to…I’ve backed out every time I’ve scheduled one.”

“So we’re going to try that today?” Ali checks to make sure.

“Yeah, that’s the plan.” Ashlyn pulls back enough to find whiskey eyes. “I feel so comfortable with you. You are a completely safe space for me. If you’re right there next to me, I just know I’m going to be ok. And if I can get through this once and get myself to see that it’s ok, then it’ll go a long way in getting me to try it again on my own. I really want to be able to do this.”

“Can I interrupt to tell you something?” Ali says softly.

“Of course.” Ashlyn nods.

“You make me feel completely safe too. The way you hold me and touch me, it’s so gentle but also feels incredibly protective and secure. I’m not even sure I can properly describe it, but I never knew I was missing the experience of that feeling until it happened with you.” Ali brushes a few longer strands of hair away from Ashlyn’s forehead. “I just wanted you to know that… that it goes both ways.”

“That makes me feel really good inside.” Ashlyn smiles, little flutters spreading in her stomach. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Of course. But let’s get back to you.” Ali doesn’t want to lose sight of their focus. “I’m going to be right here beside you all the way through, and we are going to have an amazing massage together. Count on it.” She says confidently before probing for the rest. “Give me the full picture, why did you pick here specifically? I get the higher privacy and atmosphere thing in terms of the adventurous sex part…are there other elements that factor into the massage too?”

“Definitely. For one, the large space and openness of the room. I can feel a bit claustrophobic in moments that I feel susceptible. Most massage places in NYC have smaller rooms, so this works much better for me.” Ashlyn explains.

“Makes total sense.” Ali’s mind goes right to how Ashlyn chose to have deep conversations with her outside by the water, and even how the woman’s penthouse is a completely open layout.

“Also most massage places do couple’s massages with the tables several feet apart. This one uses a double-table where you’re laying right next to each other.” Ashlyn motions to the wider massage table setup in the corner on the room. “I need you right there next to me.”

“You’ve got me, Ash.” Ali promises.

“Plus, I figured the amazing fucking bath pool sure wouldn’t hurt!” Ashlyn adds with a laugh.

“Ummm, yeah! This place is fucking insane!” Ali exclaims in reply before making sure she has all the information she needs. “Anything else I need to know for today?”

“I mean, there are a couple other things that I’m hopeful will naturally progress from our time together today, but nothing that we need to specifically focus on. Stuff we’ve already talked about that I’ll just be open and vocal about as it happens.” Ashlyn answers.

“You’re the driver. I trust you.” Ali smiles at her warmly. She gets caught up in the way Ashlyn is staring at her so adoringly, watching the little twinkle into those hazel eyes almost start to dance as a smolder builds behind it.

“Al?” Ashlyn whispers.

“Mmhmm?” Ali hums in response.

“I really love you.” Ashlyn voice is soft and genuine.

“More than literally fucking everything?” Ali presses her forehead to Ashlyn’s and runs her fingertips along the back of her neck.

“Yeah, sweetheart.” Ashlyn replies with a happy smile.

“Same, Ash.” Ali’s lips close in on Ashlyn’s, her tongue swiping the woman’s lower lip before gaining entry. It always catches her off-guard the way this woman so easily steals the air in her lungs, creating a wonderful ache in her chest that tightens everything and leaves her breathless and dizzy in no time at all. 

Ashlyn loves it when it gets intense like this, when Ali can’t quite catch her breath and brunette’s lips stay against hers loose and open, just exhaling warm puffs of air into her mouth, breath passing freely into each other like they’re one entity._ I need you closer, need you more. _Her hands roam every inch of the perfect body straddling her lap, fingers drawn right to already hard nipples like a magnet.

“Ash…” Ali whispers out, kissing the woman as hard as she can while breathing deeply. The warm water is amplifying Ashlyn’s scorching touch on her skin, her nipples being pulled perfectly between long fingers. She sinks herself down lower onto Ashlyn’s thigh, her hips rocking to get friction where she needs it. “Mmmm, god.” Ali moans loudly at the sensation of Ashlyn’s teeth grazing lightly down her neck, her own voice echoing through the cavernous room making her realize just how close she is to losing any semblance of composure she has left. “Babe, wait…wait…” Ali reluctantly pulls away enough to gain back some of her faculties.

“What’s the matter? You ok?” Ashlyn asks worriedly at the way the brunette just brought everything to a halt.

“I’m great, gorgeous. Promise, everything is great.” Ali quickly reassures her. “Just… not in the pool.”

“Huh?” Ashlyn questions in befuddlement.

“If this is going where it seems like it’s going…” Ali gives the woman a meaningful look, “then we should get out of the pool.”

“Uh, ok.” Ashlyn easily agrees even though has no idea why.

Ali smiles at the woman’s furrowed brow and gently holds her face. “If you learn nothing else from me, remember this one thing… never ever have penetrative sex in any kind of public pool.”

“I’ve learned more things from you than I can count, but I’ll add this one to the dossier.” Ashlyn replies sweetly. “Although, now I’m curious.”

“Pretty simple…public health laws require any type of publicly-used pool, tub, or spa to have an antimicrobial agent in the water. So it could be chlorine, could be something more organic… doesn’t matter, they all kill bacteria. You flush enough of that into your vaginal canal and you’re on the fast track to a yeast infection. The pool might seem very sexy in theory, but a yeast infection is very unsexy in reality.” Ali quickly explains.

“Sold! No sex in the pool, ever!” Ashlyn kisses the brunette softly. “What would I do without you, Harvard?”

“A million amazing things I’m sure…probably with a yeast infection thrown in.” Ali laughs at her own joke and feels Ashlyn hug her tight.

Ashlyn presses herself to Ali’s chest, urging that beautiful laugh to vibrate into her soul in hopes that she never forgets exactly what it feels and sounds like. “Well, I guess it’s out of one of the most alluring bath pools ever then.” She shrugs and tilts her head up slightly to look at Ali. “Any thoughts?”

“Nope, sorry babe…you’re still driving. I just had to use my emergency brake to stop you from hitting that big ol’ pothole you didn’t see coming.” Ali smiles down at her. “All you now, Stanford.”

“Right.” Ashlyn looks around the room briefly, her eyes settling on a large outdoor-style lounger near the adjacent wall. She grips Ali’s waist more snuggly and stands up, lowering her hands just a bit when the brunette’s legs wrap around her. She smiles at the slightly surprised look in Ali’s eyes as she wordlessly carries the brunette out of the pool and over to the lounger, gently laying her down and hovering over her.

“That was so damn hot.” Ali freely admits, incredibly turned on by this woman’s strength and the ease with which her body moves.

“I was going for hot.” Ashlyn winks before letting her eyes roam the expanse of Ali’s body. “You’re so impossibly beautiful.”

_You melt me, Ash. Absolutely melt me into a puddle. _The gaze between them is romantic and pure, and Ali finds herself just wanting to stay in it. But her intuition pulls her away, knowing damn well that despite the sweet moment they’ve been drawn into, Ashlyn is in search of something more fervent today and they need the intensity back. “You are so good to me.” She reaches behind Ashlyn’s neck and surprises the woman by pulling her down close. “Show me how good you are. Do me so damn good that everyone out there can clearly hear why we aren’t calling them in for that massage yet.” She husks and watches those bright hazel eyes darken. _There we go. So sexy._

_She’ll definitely be the death of me. _A tingly heat spreads through Ashlyn’s skin as she kisses the brunette heatedly. She moans into Ali’s mouth, her senses so heightened right now that she can feel every inch of Ali’s warmth against her body, hear the little purr caught in the brunette’s throat, smell the drops of bath water on her skin, taste the hint of lime still on her tongue from her drink. Her eyes are closed but it doesn’t matter, Ali Krieger’s flawless face is emblazoned behind her eyelids.

Ali uses her hand behind Ashlyn’s neck to pull the woman’s mouth even tighter to her own. She’s still bewildered by how much she loves Ashlyn’s kiss…the way her lips move with perfect firmness and her tongue swirls with both purpose and playfulness, the wonderful taste of the woman’s mouth that she can’t begin to describe other than to say it’s uniquely Ashlyn’s. She groans in protest when it suddenly stops, opening her eyes to find Ashlyn smirking down at her.

“I am definitely going to do you so damn good, beautiful. So fucking good you won’t be able to breathe.” Ashlyn pauses for just long enough to watch Ali’s expression turn lustful. “But not until I recover from you doing me good first.”

_Oh fuck yes._ “Yeah?” Ali bites her bottom lip, trying to stifle the huge smile forming at the thought of Ashlyn feeling comfortable enough to let her start for the first time.

“Mmhmm.” Ashlyn hums with a mirthful smile. “Don’t tease too much.” She requests, dropping her center down on Ali’s thigh so the brunette can feel how worked up she is already.

“I love how assertive you’ve gotten.” Ali praises her before shifting her own legs apart further to let Ashlyn’s thigh fall in between them. “And nobody’s teasing anyone right now.” She adds with her own smirk, watching Ashlyn’s mouth part slightly when the woman feels just how wet she is too. “Tell me what you want, gorgeous.”

“Everything.” Ashlyn blurts out before she can even think, laughing at her own eagerness when Ali stretches up to kiss her jaw and she can feel the brunette smiling into her skin. “Your mouth, I want that amazing tongue first.” She finally settles after Ali kisses her deeply.

“All yours.” Ali breathes into Ashlyn’s ear before running her tongue along its shell and working her way down to her pulse point. She sucks the skin there into her mouth firmly enough to elicit a loud grunt, but not to leave a mark. She quickly flips their position, using every thigh muscle she has to control their movement so they don’t roll off the lounger.

“Baby...” Ashlyn whispers, her eyes hooded. “Please.” Her voice is squeaky and desperate, her center aching to be touched. “Fuck, Al.” She bites her lip hard when Ali’s thigh falls back between her legs and provides some contact.

“I’ve got you. Every sexy inch of you.” Ali picks up the pace, mouth going right down to work on Ashlyn’s chest, pleased by the loud moan she gets in response. Ashlyn’s hand is in her hair holding her in place, so she takes the opportunity to enjoy the stiffness of the woman’s nipples in her mouth, but it’s not long before she’s being tugged downward. As much as she wants to run her tongue down those sculpted abs, she can feel Ashlyn’s fluster and just drags her fingertips down them instead as she settles between the woman’s legs. “You smell so fucking good, babe. Dripping for me.” She couldn’t be more turned on by how wet this woman gets for her and her intoxicating scent.

God, Al…” Ashlyn fists her hand further into the brunette’s hair and pulls her right in. She lets out a combined moan and hiss as a warm tongue runs from her entrance to clit before her folds get suctioned in. “Nothing better than you. Please…inside, please.”

Ali gives her exactly what she wants, slipping her tongue in deep and tracing silky walls she can’t get enough off. Her mouth is pressed tightly against wet heat, Ashlyn fluids all over her cheeks and chin already as she keeps plunging in and out industriously for several minutes.

“Oh my fucking god…shit… so fucking good.” Ashlyn’s body feels hot and energized, like there’s an electric jolt running under her skin and culminating between her legs. She can feel her hands trembling as they hold the brunette’s shoulder and head, starting to come apart as she tries to remember to breathe. “Alex, yes…I’m ohhh!” Ali’s thumb presses against her clit and her brain spins. “Al…god yeah, yeeesss, uhhnnn!” Her muscles give a few spasms in the euphoric release, leaving her a breathless mess of soft whimpers.

“You’re so fucking hot. Give me every drop, gorgeous.” Ali keeps gently licking at Ashlyn’s still wet core, feeling the woman start to relax and unclench as she comes down slowly. “Could do this all day, so fucking good.” She keeps talking in a low rumble, making the woman moan softly again. It’s not long before Ashlyn is tugging her up and kissing her so passionately that she immediately feels flushed.

Ashlyn moans loudly again at the taste of herself on Ali’s lips, never appreciating it more than she does right now. Somehow everything with Ali is sexier and on a greater level than anything she’s experienced before. Despite that amazing orgasm, she finds herself even more turned on than she was a minute ago. Something inside urges her to turn things up and she listens to it. “Alex…” She pulls back from the kiss to find wild and lustful whiskey eyes. “Fuck me. Want you so deep inside…fuck me.”

Ali feels an incredible rush at those words…at Ashlyn turning the page to a new chapter for herself, the woman feeling comfortable and confident enough to stoke an even more intense kind of fire between them. “I’m going to fuck you so good you’re going to feel it all the way up here.” She plays off of the vulgarity and softly sucks the skin in the middle of Ashlyn’s chest, not waiting even a second before she easily sinks a finger into her. _Doing so damn good, Ash._

“Baby, fuck…god, please. Far in as you can.” Ashlyn pleads even as her hips move against Ali eagerly, doing anything she can to grow that immensely pleasurable tingle that is spreading deep in her belly.

Ali keeps a moderate pace but makes sure to get all the way in every time, her own center quivering at the pooling wetness on her lowest knuckle. _When have I ever gotten this turned on by looking at someone? God babe, how do you do this to me? _ “You’re so damn sexy, Ash. I love how you wet get, how your beautiful pussy pulls me right in. Don’t ever want to stop.” She keeps up the heated words and increases her pace, earning a loud gasping moan.

“Don’t ever fucking stop…don’t ever…holy fuck, Al…Jesus.” Ashlyn’s head tilts back ever further against the throw pillow, her mouth open wide as she tries to intake air. The pressure is building so fast, but she’s too desperate to push this to the brink to slow it down at all. “Another one…more.” It comes out in a raspy groan.

Ali doesn’t hesitate, trusting Ashlyn completely to set her own course. She takes the pace down a bit and gently slips a second finger in, not stopping until it’s all the way it. “You ok, angel?” She immediately sees the little grimace on Ashlyn’s face and holds her fingers completely still, pressing their faces together soothingly.

Ashlyn initially feels a burning sting and gives herself a couple seconds to breathe through it. She opens her eyes at the word ‘angel’, instantly comforted by the loving moniker and the feel of brunette’s cheek against her own. _You’re perfect for me…you’re perfect. _She almost tears up at how well Ali knows her in every way, but the stinging sensation is already being replaced by ripples of pure pleasure and it pulls her attention elsewhere. “I’m ok, promise. Needed a sec, but you feel so fucking good right now. That feels so incredibly good.” Her voice shakes from the powerful moment, from the realization that the most beautiful woman in the world is two fingers deep inside her…it literally feels like she’s on fire in the best way, everything ready to break free.

“Look at how beautiful you are…how gorgeous you look around my fingers, babe. I’m gonna come just looking at you, Ash.” Ali brings the heat right back and kisses the woman deeply before shifting her body just enough so Ashlyn can follow her eyes down to where they are physically joined. She purposely doesn’t do much thrusting to prevent any discomfort from coming back, instead staying deep inside and curling her fingers firmly against the spot she knows is going to throw Ashlyn over the edge in no time.

Ashlyn can’t find her voice anymore, her eyes glued to the way Ali’s fingers disappear inside her and move against her center. Her lungs work to get air and her eyes start to go black as the blood rushes to her extremities, everything suddenly contracting tight and then letting go in a glorious freefall that she’s never felt this strongly before. It’s not long before her mind registers arms holding her securely, the scent of Ali’s shampoo, and the sweetest voice in her ear.

As soon as she feels Ashlyn loosen a bit around her fingers, Ali slowly pulls them right out in hopes of preventing soreness. “Breathe, angel. Let your body relax, I won’t let you go.” She whispers softly as she holds the woman close, bringing Ashlyn down slowly from the exertion that had left her flailing and gasping for air.

“Angel, huh? That’s a first for me.” Ashlyn finally catches her breath enough to speak, looking up at Ali with an inquisitive little smirk.

“When you’re completely vulnerable with me in these intimate moments, I don’t know, it’s just like you’re this bright light to me. Like an angel.” Ali feels totally cheesy saying it out loud, but it’s exactly what she was thinking.

“I don’t hate it, lovebug.” Ashlyn uses the brunette’s own words and chuckles loudly. “Come here.” She pulls Ali down and kisses her tenderly. “That felt incredible. I wish I had better words, but I feel unstoppable and just…full on obsessed with you.” She grins goofily, single dimple on full display.

“Oh, unstoppable?” Ali sits up a bit and raises an eyebrow suggestively.

“Uh huh, I dare you to stop me.” Ashlyn winks and runs her hand down Ali’s side and down her inner thigh.

“Challenge not accepted. At all.” Ali replies seductively.

“You’re no fun.” Ashlyn teases, before taking a moment to study Ali’s body as the brunette sits back on her thighs. “Look at you.” She whispers in awe. “You’re seriously magnificent, stunning, all of it.” Her hand roams back up Ali’s side and moves to gently squeeze her breast.

Ali closes her eyes and lets out a content little hum, her hand going to cover Ashlyn’s and encouraging her to keep up the movement against her nipple. “Know what else I am?” She husks.

“What else are you?” Ashlyn repeats the question back.

“So fucking ready for you.” Ali replies directly, reaching for Ashlyn’s other hand and putting it between her legs.

“Yeah you are.” Ashlyn lightly scratches over the little patch of dark, coarse hair with her fingertips, using her thumb to start rubbing gentle circles on the brunette’s clit. “You want something, beautiful?”

“Fuck, Ash…want those fingers like you don’t even know.” Ali bites her lower lip hard, trying to be patient and let tension build between them again.

“They’re yours…so fucking yours. Come get em’, baby.” Ashlyn’s voice is low and demanding, her eyes glued to Ali’s rock hard nipples. She slowly enters the brunette with just two fingertips, letting Ali do the rest of the work. She swallows hard when the brunette slides herself back, her fingers quickly engulfed by hot tight wetness. “Fuck Al, you’re perfect.”

Ali let’s out a mewl at the fullness between her legs, her entrance already starting to clench a bit. “Like magic…you feel that fucking good.” Another moan escapes her lips as she starts to rock her hips back and forth.

_Holy shit, look at her. Look at how beautiful. And she’s mine right now, she’s with me. _Ashlyn tries to compose herself, but the vision of Ali on her lap riding her fingers is setting off the most amazing frenzy inside. “That’s it, baby…help me fuck you…never seen anything hotter in my life…geez, Alex.” Ali’s perfect breasts are bouncing slightly right in her line of sight and she fully sits up to take one in her mouth, earning a loud mewl that echoes through the room.

“Ash…mmmfuck, I’m close already….mmmm, goddamn.” Ali moves her hips faster for a couple minutes, the tightly coiled spring inside her more than ready to let go. Her arms wrap around Ashlyn’s shoulders to hold on. The woman is moaning around her nipples as she sucks on them, pushing her right to the edge. “Fuck, so good, oh my god.”

Ashlyn can’t get herself close enough, gripping Ali tighter to her body and using her own hips to help her thrust up into the brunette with more leverage. She tilts up to move her mouth to Ali’s neck and hears a loud squeal, the brunette’s hips losing all rhythm as she shakes on top of her. “Al…you’re everything, you’re so damn beautiful.” Ashlyn can feel the tightening around her fingers, Ali literally throbbing for her in orgasm. She lays back and pulls the still quivering brunette down on top of her, rubbing her back softly and kissing every part of her face she can reach. “Love you.”

Ali melts into the way Ashlyn holds her, her body starting to relax as she catches her breath. “Love you.” She returns the sentiment still a bit breathless, picking her head up just long enough to kiss Ashlyn softly before dropping it back down again.

Ashlyn enjoys Ali’s weight for a few more minutes before rolling them over and sliding herself right down between the brunette’s legs. She knows Ali is sensitive and still recovering so she moves her tongue in feather light patterns along her inner lips, eagerly cleaning up the copious wetness she finds pooled there.

“Mmm that feels really good, babe.” Ali entwines one of her hands with Ashlyn’s and lifts her head up to watch the woman gently feast on her. It’s really soothing for a minute until those passionate hazel eyes look up and meet her own, and just like that, the fire is blazing again. “Ash…want you again…please, fuck that’s amazing.”

_I’m so totally yours. _“You taste fucking incredible, Al.” Ashlyn mumbles into Ali’s core even as she keeps her tongue tapping against her clit.

“Holy shit, keep talking.” Ali pleads, desperate to feel more of that vibration as her clit gets pulled softly between pillowed lips. “Yes, babe…just like that, keep doing that…oh god…” She squeezes Ashlyn’s hand firmly as the pressure builds right up again.

Ashlyn stays trained on Ali’s clit, alternating between licking patterns and sucking it into her mouth while she keeps telling the brunette how amazing she is in a mumble that Ali probably can’t make out. It’s not even another couple minutes before strong thighs are squeezing her head between them, Ali’s back arched up off of the lounger as she yells out a whole bunch of expletives through her climax. She gently cleans up the fresh wetness spilled for her and softly kisses up Ali’s body before holding her against her chest.

Ali snuggles in close, letting herself fully come back down to earth. “I’m not even going to fight the wording thing anymore…you’re really the best sex partner I’ve ever had.” She freely admits against Ashlyn’s slightly sweaty skin. “You’re really fucking good at that.” She lets out a satisfied sigh.

“Oh, those are big words, Harvard. I must have broken you.” Ashlyn pulls back enough to smile at her.

“I mean it.” Ali says genuinely.

“Good, I’m glad then.” Ashlyn looks at her warmly. “You deserve only the best, sweetheart.”

“So do you.” Ali kisses her tenderly. “Come on, back into that warm pool so we can stay ahead of any soreness, ok?”

“You’re the best.” Ashlyn smiles and gets up, taking Ali’s hand and leads them back into the water. It’s clear they both want to be as close as possible, so she walks them into the shallower end of the pool and sits down against the wall. She motions for Ali to sit between her legs and then holds the brunette back against her chest. They spend at least fifteen minutes in comfortable silence, Ashlyn placing little kisses along Ali’s shoulders every so often as the brunette softly traces patterns on the top of her thigh.

“How are you feeling?” Ali eventually tilts her head back to look up at Ashlyn a bit.

“Blissed out.” Ashlyn replies contently. “Just totally blissed out about everything we just physically progressed to and also the ease of conversation before that. I love talking to you as much as I love having sex with you, it’s a pretty amazing thing.”

“It really is. I love how everything is so comfortable between us at every level.” Ali smiles up at her. “Any soreness or discomfort?”

“Surprisingly no. There was some stinging at first when your second finger went in, but I think it was just from that stretch I haven’t gotten in a long time. It went away really fast and I don’t even feel the slight soreness like I did last time, just feel good.” Ashlyn answers.

“I’m so glad.” Ali leans up more to kiss her jaw. “You’re doing beyond amazing and I’m really proud of you. You tell me a lot that I’m so insightful, but I think you don’t realize just how insightful you are about yourself. You’re truly introspective and a deep thinker, you don’t give yourself enough credit at how well you understand yourself.”

“That means a lot coming from you.” Ashlyn says appreciatively, hugging the brunette against her more snuggly. “You bring so many good things out in me. I know it sounds dorky, but I feel like the best version of myself around you.”

“That’s not one I let slide, Stanford.” Ali turns in the woman’s arms and gently holds her face. “You’re the best version of yourself exactly as you are, with or without me.”

“There’s my wonderful therapist.” Ashlyn snickers softly.

“Damn right. Don’t you forget it.” Ali smiles at her. “And since I have my therapist hat on, how are we feeling about that massage? Still feeling up for it? Any anxiety or nervousness about it?”

“Still very much willing to try it.” Ashlyn quickly assesses herself in order to answer the rest. “Guess I’m still too deep in the post-amazing-sex haze to feel any hesitation at the moment.”

“Well maybe that’s our cue to move on it then.” Ali suggests.

“Right, milk the blissed out feeling for all it’s worth. Onward, Harvard!” Ashlyn says lightly and gets up as soon as Ali does.

Ali goes over to some shelves near the shower area and grabs two towels before walking back over to Ashlyn. Rather than hand the woman a towel, she wraps Ashlyn up in one and works to gently dry her off before wrapping herself in a towel.

“Thanks for always taking such good care of me.” Ashlyn feels completely smitten by the brunette’s thoughtful actions, pulling her in for a hug.

“You’re welcome.” Ali presses her lips to Ashlyn’s collarbone that her head is resting against. “You ready, angel?” She smiles as she softly pinches the woman’s cheek, her head motioning to the massage table.

“Ready when you are, lovebug.” Ashlyn plays right back before letting out a little breath and walking them over to the table. “Strip, Harvard.” She jokes as she drops her towel and grabs the blankets they were instructed to cover themselves with.

“Crude, Stanford. I believe our hostess more eloquently said ‘disrobe’.” Ali teases as she drops her own towel to the floor. She watches Ashlyn chuckle and then lie face down on the table. She reaches to help cover the woman with the blanket before laying down and doing the same for herself. She scoots over as close as she can and turns her head to find hazel eyes already holding her gaze. “Can I push the button?” She asks and gets an affirming nod, reaching to push the green button on the remote control like they were told.

Watching Ali push the button is what finally sparks the nervousness. Ashlyn closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths in an effort to keep the panic at bay. “Ok, now I’m getting nervous.” She feels Ali take her hand and opens her eyes again.

“I would never let anything happen to you, Ashlyn. Never. You’re safe here with me. You can trust me to protect you and speak up for you if you can’t do it yourself. Anything feels even slightly off, uncomfortable or scary for you and I’ll have them stop. I’m right here with you the whole way. I promise…I love you and I’m here.” Ali whispers soothingly, holding the woman’s hand up between their shoulders and stroking the top with her thumb.

“I could not do this without you right now.” Ashlyn admits in a small voice.

“You don’t have to.” Ali smiles reassuringly. “Now take some slow deep breaths.” She aims to calm Ashlyn down and distract her. “Good.” She praises once Ashlyn does it. “Alright, now just count with me…1…2…3…4…5…” They both count softly together, reaching 63 before a soft tone sounds in the room to alert them that someone is coming in. “Here we go. I’m right here with you. You’re safe and we’re together.” She reminds her and gets a nod in reply, hearing Ashlyn let out another deep breath.

“Hello ladies, we hope you enjoyed some nice relaxation time. I’m Brenda and this is Marisol, we’ll be doing your massages.” A 40-something woman with long brown hair and black horn-rimmed glasses introduces herself as she approaches. The other woman looks about the same age with a dark complexion and black hair tied up in a neat bun. “Have you had a massage here at AIRE before?”

“No, we haven’t.” Ali pipes right up. “Actually, this is her first massage ever. I’m Ali, and this is Ashlyn.”

“No problem at all. It’s nice to meet you both. Don’t you worry, Ashlyn, Marisol is going to take amazing care of you. She’s the top-rated masseuse on our staff and has a client list a mile long, best choice for a first-timer.” Brenda says kindly as the two women start preparing massage oil stations.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn manages to mutter and feels Ali kiss her hand.

“Are you a little nervous?” Marisol asks as she crouches down to table level, not only noting that this is the woman’s first massage but also hearing her deep breathing and seeing that her upper back is heavily scarred.

“She is.” Ali replies for her when she can see that Ashlyn is just trying to breathe.

“I promise you’re in excellent hands, Ashlyn. We’re going to make sure everything feels comfortable for you, ok?” Marisol assures her warmly and sees Ashlyn nod. “Anything doesn’t feel 100% good for you and you just tell me right away. Can I ask you both some questions before we start?”

“Of course.” Ali replies for them.

“Do you currently have any injuries we need to know about and are there any spots you want us to avoid touching or massaging? And any allergies?” Marisol asks.

The question itself puts Ashlyn more at ease and she finds her voice as Ali squeezes her hand in support. “No injuries or places you can’t touch, but maybe just tell me when you’re about to start or when you move on to somewhere new. It’s easier for me if I know it’s coming. And no allergies.”

“Doing so good, babe.” Ali whispers just loud enough for Ashlyn to hear her before looking at Marisol. “No injuries or off limits spots for me. Also no allergies.”

“You two are easy as pie.” Marisol smiles sweetly. “Brenda and I will naturally feel out any tense spots and work on those as we go along, but do you have any tight or knotted spots that you want us to work on in particular?”

“I don’t.” Ashlyn answers simply.

“Me either.” Ali confirms.

“Okay, we’ll get started in just a minute. Talk to us anytime along the way and don’t hesitate to ask for anything or give us feedback.” Marisol looks at Ashlyn. “You can relax in knowing we’re here to take care of you.”

“Thank you.” Ashlyn replies softly in appreciation.

“Thanks.” Ali adds as well. She watches Ashlyn closely as Brenda and Marisol finish their prep work. Ashlyn definitely looks more relaxed, but her hand is still holding hers tightly. She pulls Ashlyn’s hand closer and kisses it a few times, her eyes never leaving green swirled hazel. “I love you, Ash. I’m right here.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Ashlyn replies a bit emotionally, feeling far more secure than she was anticipating she ever would be despite some lingering anxiety. _You are everything good, Alex_. She holds the gaze of those gorgeous whiskey eyes and gets lost in them.

“Ok ladies, we’re ready to start.” Brenda announces. “Ali, I’m going to go ahead and start now on you.”

Marisol kneels close to Ashlyn again. “You feel ready for me to start, Ashlyn?” She asks and gets a nod. “I’m going to start right along your upper shoulders and lower neck area and then work my way to your upper arms. That sound ok?”

“Yes, thank you.” Ashlyn gives her a little smile, so grateful that Marisol absolutely seems to understand what she needs. All thanks to Ali being vocal and encouraging her to speak up for herself too.

“So polite.” Marisol smiles at her and stands up. “I’m going to drip some oil on your back now and then my hands will follow, ok?” She gets another nod from Ashlyn and gets started.

“Look at you, gorgeous…getting your first massage.” Ali comments sweetly once she sees Marisol touching Ashlyn’s back. “You ok?”

“So good.” Ashlyn smiles widely, feeling relieved that the touch feels completely comfortable, her nervousness fading quickly. “You’re the best, Al.” She pulls Ali’s hand over to her mouth for a kiss.

“Well now, we can stop for you to give her a proper one.” Brenda half jokes but actually stops massaging Ali for a few seconds.

Ali quickly leans over to peck Ashlyn’s lips softly, pulling back to see that single dimple that melts her. “I’ve always got you.” She gets herself back in place and feels Brenda go back to her massage.

“You really do.” Ashlyn smiles back at her. After a couple more minutes her body fully relaxes under Marisol’s amazing hands and it’s not long before her eyes are closing. Marisol is continually telling her when she’s moving to a new spot and making her feel comfortable. Still, every time she opens her eyes to reorient herself, Ali seems to sense it and open hers too, their hands always entwined and keeping her anchored to something solid.

It feels like no time at all before the massage is over and the masseuses excuse themselves to give the two women time to shower and get dressed. Although Ali checks in to make sure Ashlyn is okay, little else is said between them because their lips rarely part during the shower in a smoldering make-out session that’s the perfect way to stay close after such an intimate experience.

\-----

“I feel like I’m floating.” Ashlyn exclaims as they finally get outside, the chilly fall air a welcome contrast to her still hot skin. Her whole body is relaxed to the max and her heart couldn’t be fuller.

“Seriously, I feel sooo good!” Ali agrees. “Speaking as someone who has had massages before, that place was five star, top of the line.”

“Do they always check in like that about how they touch you?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“In my experience, yes. Some more than others, but they usually want to make sure they avoid anything that hurts and work on anything you want them to focus on.” Ali replies matter-of-factly. “You’re supposed to be an active participant like that, so you can always feel comfortable being vocal and open with them.”

“I didn’t know that. That’s good.” Ashlyn takes in the information, already feeling more confident about trying another massage someday. “I know you split off in a different direction soon enough, and I won’t ask to walk you home…but, can we walk together until then?” She asks hopefully, wanting to respect the boundaries.

“Of course.” Ali takes Ashlyn’s hand and they start making their way towards the Tribeca area.

_This feels so good. _As they walk in comfortable silence with an occasional comment about their surroundings, Ashlyn can’t help but feel enamored with how natural this feels. On one hand it makes her heart pound in delight, on the other, it makes her stomach drop in knowing it can’t be reality. It’s far too short a walk before they reach the intersection where they need to part ways.

“I can’t thank you enough for today and being there with me for all of that. It was perfect, Al. I don’t even know what else to say.” Ashlyn says sincerely as she turns to face the brunette.

“Honestly Ash, thank you for asking me and trusting me to do that with you...meant a lot to me that you did. I really am so proud of you.” Ali gives her a vibrant smile. “You’re proving to be quite the driver, Stanford.”

“Ha, well you did set the bar pretty high.” Ashlyn plays back.

“And that place was fucking amazing. And you are even more amazing, this body has never been worked so good in every damn way.” Ali bites her lower lip at the thought_. God, I’m going to be fantasizing about this for years._ “Really, thank you.”

Ashlyn reaches to hold Ali’s cheek softly in her hand, fingertips stroking the back of Ali’s neck light. “I love you in incredible ways.” She kisses the brunette slow and deep, letting it linger just long enough to convey her emotions without being inappropriate in public.

“I love you too… never cease to leave me breathless.” Ali smiles and pecks the woman’s lips one more time. “Hope you sleep well tonight and have a great weekend. Call or text if you need anything and I’ll see you Tuesday.”

“You too. Get home safe, lovebug.” Ashlyn winks with grin and squeezes Ali’s hand.

“Night night, angel.” Ali beams back playfully and kisses Ashlyn’s hand before letting go and making her way home. She looks back at the end of the block before she turns the corner to find Ashlyn still watching her walk away with a huge grin on her face. _She’s so damn cute. _She gives her a little wave and gets one in return before she finally turns the corner.

“My heart is just… wow…” Ashlyn whispers to herself, finally finding the motivation to start walking again now that Ali is out of sight. Never in her life has she willed weekends to go by faster than she has since Ali Krieger came into her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything you were surprised by? Do you think Ash will get another massage eventually?


	31. Hopeless Remembrance (Session 14)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of everything in this chapter, including a very important conversation that will give you a clearer view of the bumps ahead.  
As usual, drop me a comment with your thoughts and have a great start to the week :-) Also, Happy Holidays!
> 
> ****Please read the end note and give me your opinion on chapter posting frequency****

Session 14 - Hopeless Remembrance

“Guess it’s officially just you and me on turkey day, boss lady!” Crystal greets Ashlyn when the short haired woman plops down at their usual table at Nancy’s Whiskey Pub, Megan and Whitney already there with her.

“Oh yeah? Wow, did you finally get your head out of your ass and tell Sue you’d go home with her to meet her family?” Ashlyn looks pointedly at Megan. She already knew Whitney was flying home to Cali for Thanksgiving, but Megan has been up in the air for almost two weeks now.

“Yes, and fuck off!” Megan rolls her eyes. “Meeting the parents is a big deal, especially over a holiday. And we practically just started dating! Excuse me for being nervous!”

“Don’t be nervous, it’ll be great.” Whitney reassures her before smirking. “Just don’t be yourself.”

“Oh, ha, ha. Not funny.” Megan shoots Whitney a look.

“Relax, Pinoe. I’m sure they’ll love you as much as Sue does.” Ashlyn brings some calm back as she finally takes her coat off. “Speaking of, where is she?”

“Protesting that I’m making her join us here for dinner on her Saturday night off.” Megan laughs.

“Can’t blame her.” Crystal shrugs.

“She got stuck on the subway, should be here any minute.” Megan explains.

“My patience only goes so far, Sherlock.” Whitney jumps in and looks at Ashlyn expectantly. “Well?”

“It was so fucking good.” Ashlyn admits with a dreamy smile. “As in I’m sure I’ll be fantasizing about it for years.”

“Damn girl, you go!” Crystal fist bumps Ashlyn.

“So you got the massage and it was good?!” Whitney asks excitedly, her hands clapping together.

“Oh I got the massage, and a whole lot more…and it was so much better than good. Double good.” Ashlyn winks, knowing they’ll understand the innuendo.

“Awww, butchie baby! I’m so happy that you are finally getting laid properly!” Megan does a little dance before going around the table to hug Ashlyn from behind and kiss her cheek.

“Save some sugar for me, twerp.” Sue arrives, walking over to leave a lingering kiss on Megan’s lips.

“Must be so nice to kiss someone and not have stubble scratch your face.” Crystal muses out loud as she watches them. “I swear the skin on my chin and cheeks permanently roughened after like 3 weeks with Pierre.”

“Eh, I kinda like the stubble.” Whitney shrugs.

“That falls under TMI, Watson.” Ashlyn teases.

“Well my twerp has some stubble too, sooo.” Sue jokes and gets a glare from Megan as everyone laughs.

“You’re sleeping on the couch.” Megan warns.

“Uh huh, sure darlin’. Until I take my shirt off and then you can’t get me in the bedroom fast enough.” Sue replies cockily.

“You know my weakness, woman.” Megan waggles her eyebrows.

“Okay, so what’s going on with you, Dreamboat? You look all giddy and my girl is smooching you, what’s the occasion? Did you give yourself a raise?” Sue looks at Ashlyn, unable to top herself from laughing at her own joke.

“Clever.” Ashlyn chuckles before answering simply. “I got my first ever massage.”

“Oh wow, really?” Sue raises her eyebrows. “No wonder you look all goopy. Massages are one of life’s great miracles.”

“Yep, I pretty much still feel like a goopy miracle.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Oh my god, was it with your therapist surrogate lady?!” Sue spits out the sip of water she drank back into her glass as she realizes, but doesn’t even need Ashlyn to answer based on the little blush on her cheeks. “Oh wow! Look at you, Dreamboat! Wait, was this like a real date?!”

With Sue becoming a routine part of their group and Ashlyn being sure that Megan is absolutely in this relationship for the long haul, she had given Megan the green light to fill her in. Especially because she’s been feeling that letting people in more lately has been a positive step forward. Clearly, Megan filled her in just fine.

“No, not at all. She put me more in control of our therapy and, as part of that, I wanted to get over my hesitation with getting massages. I took her to AIRE Ancient Baths and let’s just say we progressed far more than just the massage.” Ashlyn smirks. “Anyway, it was amazing, but all within the boundaries.”

“Hmph.” Sue considers it. “So, why exactly can’t you two just stop seeing each other in a therapy way and actually have a relationship?”

“The million-dollar question that I’d sure love to know the answer to.” Whitney pipes up and looks at Ashlyn pointedly.

“Well, she’s really passionate about her career and she cares deeply about her clients. While I’m still not completely clear on the answer, I think it’s pretty much the ethical stuff of us being therapist and client and what it implies.” Ashlyn shrugs it off. “Anyway, I agreed to the boundaries and knew what I was getting into.”

Sue reaches over and squeezes Ashlyn forearm sweetly. “You are worth giving up any career over, Dreamboat. I mean it. If that’s what it is, she’ll come around.” She watches Ashlyn give her a little smile before knowing it’s time to change the subject. “Now, can you three explain to me why on God’s green Earth we have to come to _THIS_ place when there are like a million other bars in NYC that I don’t work at?!”

“Oh come on, nobody makes onion rings like this place!” Ashlyn counters.

“Best turkey club!” Crystal chimes in.

“Hottest staff!” Megan waggles her eyebrows and earns a hard slap to the shoulder.

“Honestly, I love that I don’t even have to order my drink anymore…they just bring it over.” Whitney piles on.

“Uuuugh. Whatever.” Sue rolls her eyes and gets up.

“Where are you going, hayseed?” Megan questions.

“Well, what fucking good is dating one of the bartenders if she can’t use her insider status to put our order in with the kitchen staff and get them to rush it? It’s Saturday and this place is only gonna get more slammed.” Sue gives Megan another quick kiss and heads off.

“Pinoe, I swear to god if you don’t marry her…” Whitney playfully points a finger at Megan.

“Relax uptight CTO, that’s the eventual plan. Maybe let me meet the parents first and make sure they don’t hate me, geez.” Megan quips back.

“I do love that woman. No pressure, boo.” Crystal teases.

“You are all so fucking unhelpful.” Megan pouts.

“Welcome to my life as your friend.” Ashlyn chuckles and feels a few bar nuts pelt her face. “You are so dead, Pinoe!” She pretend warns.

“Big talk from the Goopzilla!” Megan teases back before she sees Sue coming back and settles right down quietly.

“Again I say, I love that woman.” Crystal gets in the last word to jibe Megan, making one loud whip noise that makes them all burst out laughing.

\-----------------

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Ashlyn whispers in a groan, clutching her lower belly as she quickly pays her Uber driver. She gives him a huge tip since he managed to drive carefully enough that she didn’t barf from pain induced nausea. Although she can usually get a ride from Crystal or walk home from the office, Crystal has a study group this afternoon and walking was not an option in her current state.

“Hey, Marco. I’m expecting Ali Krieger in like an hour. When she gets here, you can just give her the code and let her up, ok?” Ashlyn briefly stops at the security desk on her way in.

“Sure thing, Ms. Harris.” Marco nods before noting her paleness and looking at her in concern. “Are you alright? Can I get you anything?”

“I’ll be fine, just a stomach bug. Thanks though.” She assures him and heads right up to her penthouse. She changes into loose gray sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt as fast as she can, downing three Advil before plopping down on her couch under a blanket and curling up into a fetal position in hopes that the worst of it passes before Ali shows up.

\----------------------------------------

“Ash?” Ali walks off the elevator expecting the usual sweet welcome from Ashlyn, but the woman is nowhere to be seen as her eyes scan the open penthouse.

“Over here on the couch, come on in.” Ashlyn puts her hand up and gives a little wave.

Ali sees nothing more than a hand waving at her from the couch and quickly hangs up her coat, wondering what is going on as she walks over to Ashlyn who is curled up in a ball under a blanket. It only takes one look at the woman’s slightly sweaty pale face to know something is wrong. “Oh my gosh, are you ok?” She asks worriedly, her hand naturally going to Ashlyn’s forehead but finding it normal temperature.

“Yeah, just period cramps currently trying to kill me, but I’ll live. Sorry Al, I would’ve called to cancel, but this just came on a little while ago…and honestly, I could use some distraction.” Ashlyn lets out a soft grunt and grimaces with her eyes tightly closed as another wave of sharp pain radiates in her belly.

“You poor thing. Is it always this bad?” Ali sits down on the edge of the couch near Ashlyn’s hips and gently strokes near her shoulder.

“Yeah, always really rough. It comes on fast and furious with no warning. Really heavy and painful for a couple days, but gone in like 4 or 5 days. The up side is that it’s only like three times a year, sometimes less.” Ashlyn replies, finally opening her eyes. “You look beautiful, Alex.” She can’t help but smile at those shining whiskey eyes even when they look so concerned.

“Thank you.” Ali smiles and leans down to peck the woman’s lips softly. “But back to you. You only get your period a few times a year?” She asks, not sure she heard right.

“Yep, weird I know.” It dawns on Ashlyn that they haven’t covered this topic yet. “I didn’t get my period until I was almost 16. And even once I did, it has always been like this. Intermittent and brutal. Saw a lot of specialists over it, but it’s not abnormal for someone who underwent a severe physical trauma during early puberty. They haven’t scientifically figured out exactly why it happens, but trauma can impact development in bizarre ways.”

“Now that you say that, I’ve read about it before. I’m really sorry.” Ali reaches under the blanket for Ashlyn’s hand and entwines their fingers.

“It’s not the worst thing to only have your period a few times a year.” Ashlyn smiles slightly. “Just wish my uterus wasn’t so fucking angry when it happens. Everything functions normally though. Although, I suppose it’s good that I never plan on getting pregnant, cause that would be such a bitch to time properly.” She shrugs before she’s hit with another awful cramp and her body instinctively curls up a bit more tightly. “Ugh fucking hell.”

“Oh, Ash.” Ali whispers, absolutely hating seeing the woman writhe in pain. It literally makes her heart pang and she wants nothing more than to make it all go away. “Can I try to help?”

“I already took a bunch of Advil, not sure what else there is to do besides distract me…but you’ll be the best distraction ever.” Ashlyn pulls the brunette’s hand up to her mouth and kisses it.

“Smooth even when you’re in agony. Impressive, Stanford.” Ali smiles at the gesture. “I can do more than distraction though. I have a method. Not sure how much it’ll relieve a more extreme situation like this, but we can try if you want.”

“Well, I’m sure it can’t get any worse.” Ashlyn turns a bit and curls herself towards Ali more, drawn to the warmth of the brunette being close. “A method, huh?”

“Yep, the first step is ibuprofen. But you covered that with the Advil.” Ali elaborates. “The other three steps, I call it the H.O.T. method.”

“Is this like a medical thing?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“More like medically based, with my own added twist at the end.” Ali replies. “Step one, H is for heat. Pretty standard.”

“Right, duh. Heat is a usual go to for me, it helps a little bit. Exercise helps too, but that’s really hard to do for the first couple days like this.” Ashlyn nods.

“Well, let’s start with that heat then. Do you have an electric heating pad or a microwave one, and where can I find it?” Ali inquires.

“Electric. In the master bathroom, lower left cabinet under the sink.” Ashlyn tells her and quickly squeezes her hand. “Thanks, baby.”

“Be right back.” Ali quickly heads upstairs to grab the heating pad, returning in no time. “Where can I plug it in?”

“There’s a socket right on the floor there near the leg of the couch. It has a little cover over it that you slide open, helps it blend with the floor.” Ashlyn motions to it near Ali’s feet.

“Smart. I always wondered how you open-layout people dealt with plugging stuff in when the walls are like a million feet away.” Ali muses playfully as she finds the socket. “Let me help you sit up a bit and I’ll scoot in behind you, ok?”

Ashlyn follows directions, finding herself leaned back into Ali’s arms in no time with her legs stretched out comfortably on the couch, the heating pad already warm and soothing on her belly. “You’re the best, Al. This feels nice.” She admits freely.

“Good, but we’re just getting warmed up. Literally.” Ali kisses the top of the woman’s head and uses her hands to add a little pressure on the heating pad itself so the warmth stays even across Ashlyn’s stomach. “So, can I ask a question about what you said before?” She can’t help her own curiosity since they’ll be sitting here for a little while.

“Of course.” Ashlyn nods.

“Truly don’t have to answer, but you said you never plan to get pregnant. We’ve never talked about that and I was wondering about it since you mentioned it.” Ali probes gently.

“It’s nothing majorly deep. Physically I can’t say I’ve ever particularly wanted to be pregnant. It’s honestly psychological too. I mean, I know with complete certainty that my mom didn’t have a genetic form of ALS. Still freaks me out a little for some reason that maybe they got it wrong and I’d be some kind of carrier or even get it myself.” Ashlyn divulges and feels Ali hold her a little closer. “The bigger part of it is that I want kids, and I absolutely will have them someday…but they’ll be adopted. There are tons of kids out there that need parents, and I can’t see ever having my own biologically when there are already so many that need love. That’s just how my heart has felt for a long time, and it only grows stronger.”

“I really love that heart of yours.” Ali kisses her cheek. “That’s a really admirable and amazing thing to do. Those will be some really lucky kids.”

“Thank you.” Ashlyn leans her head against Ali’s cheek. “I think I’m getting a lot closer doing it. I’ve just always wanted to feel really settled and in a good place before I did it, and like there is a good family support system. I just want my kids to have the stability that I didn’t have.” She tries to explain it. “And I don’t even mean a relationship. I’m more than okay with doing this on my own. I just want to feel confident that I’m settled somewhere that is good for kids to grow up in and with people around them that they can rely on. Can’t ask for a better family trio than Whit, Megan, and Crystal. Plus, they’re all settling into relationships with some wonderful people too, and maybe having kids of their own soon enough. Anyway, I feel like I’m getting there.”

“Wow, you have really thought this through.” Ali says reverently, feeling inspired by the woman’s genuine goodness. “It makes me happy to know you, you know that? I learn new things about you all the time… and on some level I wouldn’t have necessarily expected them, but then they’re also so authentically you that I should have. I’m just so glad that you let me know you in these little meaningful ways.” She reiterates.

“Come here.” Ashlyn turns her head and reaches with one hand to gently pull Ali’s head closer, kissing her deeply before pulling back to find her eyes. “I’m happy to know you too, Alex.” She kisses her softly again. “What about you… pregnancy and kids?”

“Eh, I don’t even know anymore. I stopped mapping out life a long time ago and that has actually gone pretty well for me.” Ali says truthfully. “Pregnancy and kids were totally the plan when I was married to Brian, but that was also me forcing myself into some mold that I didn’t quite fit into. Not to say that the vision of being married with family isn’t still high on the list, because it is. I just don’t feel the need to make it part of some checklist. If I find myself with the right person, I’m all for making it a reality. I certainly don’t feel empowered enough to raise kids on my own though, just not something I ever considered. I guess I still have things I feel more traditional about. And like you, I would want to be more settled. As much as I’m open about what I do in life… let’s face it, I don’t want my kids having to deal with their mom being a sex surrogate. As for pregnant, sure I’d like to experience it if the situation was right, but again, I’m not tied to anything in particular anymore. Besides, I’m just about at the age point where it’s not the best option and I’m okay with that.”

“You don’t even understand how refreshing it is to listen to someone who is so open to themselves and knows who they are even in their own uncertainty, and who isn’t afraid of just being that person. You mean more to me than you could ever imagine.” Ashlyn says warmly.

“You’re sweet.” Ali smiles into Ashlyn’s cheeks and hugs her close. “How’s the angry uterus?” She checks in now that it has been at least 15 minutes.

“Still being a full on wretched bitch, but easing slightly.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“A little ease up is all I need to work with.” Ali giggles. “Five more minutes and we’ll give step two a shot. I’ll warn you right now that it’ll require trust and lots of patience.”

“You certainly have both of those things from me, but now I’m beyond curious. What’s step two?” Ashlyn asks.

“The big O.” Ali smirks.

“Very mysterious, Harvard. What’s the big O?” Ashlyn questions again.

“Orgasm.” Ali says unceremoniously.

“Oh Jesus, really though? Should’ve known.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I have to confess that I’ve never so much as had a sexy thought during my period.”

“Can’t say I blame you when you feel this awful every time.” Ali sympathizes. “But yes, really. I’m sure most people feel pretty unsexy during their period, but I don’t know a single female gynecologist or sex therapist that won’t tell you that a solid orgasm works wonders for cramps. It brings blood flow to the uterine and pelvic muscles and increases endorphins. It’s truly the most effective thing you can do. Some people go the sex route if they feel comfortable with a partner, others just masturbate. Doesn’t matter as long as there’s an orgasm.” She explains.

“Hmmm, no kidding.” Ashlyn considers it. “I can’t imagine that it’s very easy to achieve when you’re in pain and feeling gross.”

“Nope, it can definitely be a little tricky. From my own experience, it can take a bit to figure out what works for you. That’s why I said patience and trust.” Ali reminds her. “If you’re up to trying, it can go however you want it to. I can give you some time for you to try yourself. Or I can give you a little help getting there on your own. Or I can just full on help you. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Ashlyn lets out a breath and gives herself a moment to think about it as another cramp passes. “I’m not sure I would consider this if it wasn’t you, but you haven’t failed me yet.” She chuckles nervously. “My preference is always for you to touch me, but I don’t know…how does this not gross you out?”

“Hey you.” Ali softly tilt’s Ashlyn’s chin up to look at her. “Nothing about you is gross and nothing natural like this ever grosses me out. I’m certainly very comfortable, but the point is for you to be comfortable, not me.” She appeals to her. “We’re not going to do anything you don’t want to. This is all just a suggestion in trying to help you feel better.”

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn replies before wondering something else. “Have you ever done this with someone else?”

“With exes, a couple times. With a surrogate client, no, but that’s because clients almost always cancel on me when they get their period or we have a talking session.” Ali answers honestly. “I usually just take care of myself when I have my period, and the times I was with exes was more about just being in the mood versus for cramps…still worked wonders though.” She smiles. “Just so you get the full picture here, we wouldn’t be doing anything penetrative. A clitoral orgasm works perfectly great and it’s always best to start that way if you haven’t done this before. And it’s not a long drawn out thing, more of a quick and dirty. But again, completely up to whether you want to try it or not.”

Ashlyn grimaces through another strong cramp, feeling Ali hold her snuggly with one arm while rubbing her stomach over the heating pad with her other hand. “I totally trust you, let’s try it.” She easily relents in desperation to feel less pain, knowing the brunette will never make her feel uncomfortable even in a seemingly odd situation like this.

“I’ve got you, Ash. Promise you.” Ali kisses the stop of her head, marveling at way this woman so easily opens up her vulnerability to her. She slowly moves out from behind Ashlyn, and goes back to sitting next to her on the couch.

Ashlyn just smiles up at her and waits to follow her lead.

“Do you have any breast soreness or nipple sensitivity?” Ali asks directly.

“Not particularly, feels pretty much like normal.” Ashlyn replies.

“Well that’s a bonus for us. What about vaginally? Anything there feel sore or sensitive? And do you have a tampon in?” Ali checks.

“Nothing sensitive or sore. And yeah, tampon.” Ashlyn informs her.

“Ok good. Remember that you need tell me immediately if something isn’t comfortable, ok?” Ali reminds her like always. “And of course, tell me what feels good too.”

“You got it.” Ashlyn nods moves to lie against the backrest of the couch to give Ali more space as the brunette takes the heating pad off.

“I’m going to leave your pants on and work around them because I think that’s going to put you more at ease, but can I take your shirt off?” Ali asks.

“Only if you take yours off too.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows. “Trust me, nothing is gonna get me going faster than looking at you and having your skin on mine.”

“Always with the charm, Stanford.” Ali pinches her cheek. “But you get whatever you want.” She adds even as she strips her shirt and bra off, looking back down to see that familiar smolder already swirling Ashlyn’s eyes. She leans down and kisses her deeply for a minute, pulling back to help Ashlyn get her own shirt and bra off before laying down beside her so they’re facing each other. “Sure you’re ok to try this?”

“Ready for takeoff.” Ashlyn gives her a little salute and smiles, already relishing in the warmth of Ali’s chest pressed against her own.

“Alright, as we go along you might find that things actually clench up tighter and get more uncomfortable before it gets better. Do your best to kind of breathe through it and focus on what feels good instead of bad if you can. You want to try to relax into it and tell me how to adjust so that it feels as good as possible when it gets intense like that.” Ali instructs.

“I can do that.” Ashlyn confirms, sweetly moving a strand of hair out of the brunette’s face and finding herself completely mesmerized as always. “You’re so beautiful I don’t even know what to do with myself sometimes.” She says in a whisper, drawn in by those whiskeys eyes that look at her so lovingly.

“And you take my breath away without even trying.” Ali murmurs back, her hands going to Ashlyn’s face and pulling her in for a slow deliberate kiss to show the woman just how easily the air leaves her lungs.

“Every time.” Ali says through deeper breaths and hooded eyes just a few minutes later when their lips finally part.

Ashlyn feels her body rev up at the simple declaration, her mouth latching back onto the brunette’s with far more intensity this time. Tongues duel and lips tug, hot breath and moans getting exchanged in the growing passion. Their focus solely on where they physically connect to each other.

“God you’re amazing.” Ashlyn breaks away, slightly dizzy as she buries herself into Ali’s neck and gasps for air.

“Love you.” Ali hugs Ashlyn against her for a minute, eventually loosening her grasp a bit. “Just try to relax.” She reminds her and starts nipping and licking down the woman’s neck. The idea is to get to an orgasm as fast as possible so that the build-up doesn’t go on too long and cause more pain. So she doesn’t linger long, her tongue already licking broad strokes over Ashlyn’s nipples while she keeps one hand splayed across the woman’s belly to create some warmth there.

“That feels really good.” Ashlyn moans, squirming slightly as her chest arches up into Ali’s mouth. Even though she can hardly be surprised, she’s more turned on than she expected to be. The brunette is applying the perfect gentle suction right now and it’s the first time ever she can almost feel her nipples pulsating a bit. “Oh god, Alex…keep doing that.” She whimpers, one hand finding purchase on Ali’s strong thigh and clutching it.

“You’re gorgeous.” Ali mumbles, keeping her mouth in place as requested. Still, she knows she can’t keep this up too much longer without painful consequences. With Ashlyn having a tampon in and being crampy, she can’t be sure there will be much natural lubrication. So she pauses just a second to wet the tips of her fingers in her mouth before wiggling her hand under the waistband of the woman’s boxers. _Oh, look at you all wet for me. _She can’t help but smile when she actually finds ample slickness as she slowly runs her fingers through Ashlyn’s folds.

“Yes, ahhhh… mmmm.” Ashlyn breathes out, her hips lifting off the couch as she welcomes the tantalizing feather-light touch between her legs even as her nipples grow impossibly harder in Ali’s mouth. “Unnnh, god Al.”

Ali does her best to study Ashlyn’s face for any signs of discomfort even as she continues to feast on her chest, using a single fingertip to rub slow and soft patterns on and around the woman’s clit. “So sexy, Ash… I love to feel your body react to me.” She husks to add to building heat of the moment.

“Baby, fuck…little harder.” Ashlyn begs, trying to angle her hips towards Ali’s hand. She feels Ali comply, but she still gyrates further into the brunette before she’s hit with a different sensation. “Mmmm…ugh…fucking shit, ugh.” Her belly sharply tightens and the pleasure rapidly overtaken by cramp pain.

“Easy babe…breathe, try to relax into it.” Ali places little kisses on Ashlyn’s sweaty forehead having immediately seen the grimace on her face. She uses her palm now to keep a less direct kind of pressure on the woman’s clit, knowing that fully pulling back won’t be productive. “We’re gonna stay slow and steady…doing so good. Let me do the work and you just talk to me.” She encourages her and goes in for a slow kiss to bring back some distraction while she keeps up the friction with her palm.

“Ok, ok, better now.” Ashlyn lets out a deep breath, the pain finally dissipating as the pleasure starts mounting again. “Go back to using your finger.” She tells Ali what she needs, making sure this time she focuses on not getting too carried away with her hips. “Mmm, yeah…that’s really good…” Her low moans are back, everything starting to throb in desire again.

Ali stays on task for a few minutes, rubbing gentle little circles on the sensitive bud that she can feel getting harder against her fingertip. It’s not long before there’s a light tremble in Ashlyn’s thighs and the woman’s hips are in motion again as her moans get increasingly louder. “Slow babe, just talk to me…we’re so close…tell me what you need.”

“Mmmfuck baby…need more, I don’t know…just pressure…” Ashlyn desperately wants more friction, but the explosion of pain from last time is fresh on her mind. “Maybe…go back to my nipples again too.” She knows that is safe. “God yes.” She lets out a little mewl when Ali’s mouth goes right back to her chest.

“Keep breathing, keep your hips still…” Ali lightly tugs a pebbled nipple between her lips before it dawns on her to go to Ashlyn’s own playbook, pressing the base of her palm firmly against her clit again and moving her middle finger to rest just against the woman’s entrance. She puts just a little pressure against the lower edge of the Ashlyn’s opening without penetrating at all, and moves her whole hand in a slow wave motion.

“Oooooh there…yeeesss, Al…ohh god…like that, like that…fuck…” Ashlyn does her best to stay as still as possible while the deliciously tingling ache spreads through her lower belly and culminates right where Ali’s finger is pressing.

“That’s it, gorgeous… come for me… let go for me, Ash.” Ali whispers hotly in Ashlyn’s ear, sucking her earlobe into her mouth for good measure. She can feel the woman’s muscles tightening, the trembling growing stronger. She keeps the same pressure but increases the motion of her hand. “Come apart for me, babe…let me feel you.” She kisses her passionately, a loud high pitched moan immediately emptying into her mouth as Ashlyn grips her tight and spasms in climax. “There we go…so good, Ash. Try relax to your muscles, breathe deep and relax.” Ali coaxes her and moves a hand right to Ashlyn’s belly, massaging across her lower abs carefully to create warmth again.

Ashlyn leaves a few sloppy kisses on Ali’s shoulder as she catches her breath. Her attention goes right to the now deeper ache in her belly, not quite sure what direction it’s going to go in because it almost feels like the very start of another cramp. For a couple minutes it’s similar to the sensation she gets right after her stomach drops on a rollercoaster. But then it suddenly releases into that very satisfying and relieving heaviness you get when your muscles fully decompress after a good workout. “Oh my god, that feels so fucking good…I feel so fucking good.” Ashlyn purrs into the crook of Ali’s neck. “You are everything, Al…incredible. I love you so much.”

“And that’s the endorphins talking, but I’ll take it.” Ali teases with a little laugh, pulling back to find those bright green hazel eyes, gold-flecked and adoring as always after an orgasm. “So happy that it feels better. I love you too, gorgeous.” She sweetly kisses Ashlyn’s nose and then mouth, her lips now happily tingling from the woman’s Carmex lip balm.

“Can’t believe that worked…and that I’ve been missing out for years!” Ashlyn pipes up after several minutes of quietly basking in the afterglow in the brunette’s arms. “Thanks, lovebug.” She grins widely and pulls Ali closer, kissing her softly a few times.

“Anytime. I just appreciate that you trust me enough to try all these things even when you’re not sure.” Ali smiles back at her.

“I’m always sure about you, and that’s enough to go along with anything you suggest.” Ashlyn replies genuinely, her eyes following the path of her hand as she runs it up the brunette’s side and up her shoulder.

“Sounds like you’re ready for the last step then.” Ali winks.

“I’m at your mercy, sweetheart. What’s that last T stand for, tantric yoga?” Ashlyn laughs at her own joke.

“Funny, Stanford. Though I suppose it’s distantly related.” Ali shrugs. “Anyway, T is for tingle. We just want to extend those good sensations now.”

“Oh, I like the sound of that.” Ashlyn smirks.

“Thought so.” Ali laughs and gets up so she can go over to her purse that she put down near the elevator. She hears Ashlyn immediately groan at the loss of body contact. “I’ll be back in just a sec.” She promises.

“What’s that?” Ashlyn questions when the brunette returns with a small tin in her hand.

“Tiger balm.” Ali replies matter-of-factly. “Ever used it?”

“Heard of it, but never used it myself. It’s pretty much like Icy Hot, right?” Ashlyn answers.

“Yep, just better smelling and it works so much better too.” Ali informs her.

“Interesting. Do you always carry Tiger balm in your purse?” Ashlyn cocks her head to the side.

“Please honey, if any woman tells you that she does hardcore yoga and isn’t carrying Tiger balm or some equivalent in her purse, she’s lying.” Ali snickers. “Well, let me amend that…any woman over 30 that is.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Lay flat on your back.” Ali instructs and opens the tin, scooping some balm onto her fingertips. “Ok, so I’m doing it for you this time, but I’ll warn you right now that if you do it yourself, wear gloves! Tiger balm absorbs into skin fast and let me tell you from experience that you absolutely DO NOT want to change a tampon with this stuff on your hands. That’s whole other kind of burn right there.” Ali cautions her with a giggle.

“Fuck, I bet.” Ashlyn guffaws. “Duly noted.” She melts into the feel of Ali gently massaging the balm all over her belly until it’s completely absorbed into her skin.

“Gonna go wash my hands. Maybe put your shirt on so this doesn’t get on your couch and so that you don’t accidentally get it on your hands, ok?” Ali suggests and heads into the kitchen.

“Mmhmm.” Ashlyn hums in reply, already enjoying the warm tingling of the balm on her skin. She pulls her shirt on and lays back with her eyes closed, only opening them again when Ali settles back in beside her.

“How does that feel?” Ali pulls Ashlyn back into her arms as they lay facing each other.

“I feel like a new person.” Ashlyn freely admits. “Fucking amazing. I don’t know where on earth you came from, Harvard, but I am thankful as fuck for wherever the hell it is.” She lets out a content sigh and leans in for a kiss.

“I told you so and you’re welcome.” Ali replies playfully, loving the feel of Ashlyn’s fingers that are now playing with her hair.

\---

They lay in comfortable silence for quite a while, but Ashlyn finds herself getting increasingly emotional as the minutes tick by, the way Ali managed to soothe her body triggering something deeper. Her recent conversation with Whitney is fresh on her mind, as is the question Sue asked a couple nights ago.

“Alex?” Ashlyn’s voice is shaky and timid. “How can we let this go… everything between us. How do I possibly let it go?”

“I wish I had a good answer to that, but I don’t.” Ali frowns slightly. “This whole thing is new to me, and I can’t say I know exactly how I’m going to let it go either. I just know that we have to.”

“I know. I just…” Ashlyn tries to find the right words. “You were upfront and clear with me on the boundaries of this being a therapy relationship, and I totally get that and understand it. And I agreed to staying within those lines and I still do.” She prefaces the question she knows she needs a very clear answer to. “I guess maybe I don’t understand why this can’t happen outside of that. I mean, if we’re both consenting adults and we’re not in a professional relationship anymore, why can’t we pursue something outside of this surrogacy thing once we agree it’s over?”

“I wish it was that simple.” Ali hugs Ashlyn against her for a few seconds. “I really want it to be that simple, Ash…but it just isn’t.”

“Tell me why. I need you to tell me.” Ashlyn pleads, her voice so tiny that it practically breaks Ali’s heart.

“You’re right that part of it is the ethical boundaries.” Ali starts there. “At its basic root, everything that has happened between us has developed from a power dynamic of therapist and client where I hold an authority over you and you have deferred or relinquished power to me. Sometimes it’s more subconscious and sometimes it’s more present, but it’s there no matter how much we may want to ignore it.”

“I get that part, but I’m not sure why it matters once the professional relationship is gone.” Ashlyn tries to follow along.

“Well, because that power dynamic formed the base of the relationship to start with and so it lingers for a long time even if the professional aspect isn’t there.” Ali elaborates.

“Ok, but what if I don’t feel like you hold some power over me?” Ashlyn presses.

“But I do, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you. Let me give you an example.” Ali tries a different approach. “Let’s say you suddenly have awful stomach pain on one side and you go to emergency room. The ER doctor tells you that your appendix is about to burst and you need emergency surgery. Are you going to trust the doctor and have the surgery, or are you going to go home to try and treat yourself? In this case, that ER doctor is me and I’m betting you opt for the surgery.”

“I see your point, but that’s pretty drastic.” Ashlyn challenges.

“Seems that way, but it’s more similar than you think. You first came to me in a pretty exasperated state, Ash. Serious question…if any woman showed up at your door on the very first date, came right inside, and told you to get naked with her and reveal every physical vulnerability you had, would you do it?” Ali raises an eyebrow.

Ashlyn lets out a defeated sigh. “No.”

“I’ve held more power from the beginning than you fully realize most of the time. Yes, I’ve had to earn your trust too, but I’m also in the position to make suggestions that you easily defer to. It has been that way from the start. Can you see how that might be problematic and even manipulative in a relationship even if you don’t intend it to be?” Ali asks seriously.

“Wish I didn’t, but I do.” Ashlyn lets out another deep breath. “Is it ever possible that the dynamic goes away eventually?” She asks optimistically.

“I think it can over time as the circumstances completely change, but the ethical power balance aspect is just one side of the equation. The other is situational dependence.” Ali thinks about how to best explain it. “Have you ever watched a reality show like The Bachelor?”

“Unfortunately.” Ashlyn cracks a smile.

Ali feels her heart flutter even with that little smile directed at her. It makes her pause and choose her words more carefully. “Look, before I continue with the rest…” She holds the woman’s face in her hands. “I just need you to know that I really do love you. And that I mean it wholeheartedly with the greatest depth of emotion that I could possibly convey. I don’t question for a second that what I feel for you is real. Nor do I question how you feel about me. This between us is real and meaningful and one of the greatest things I have ever experienced. Will you remember that?”

“Nothing could make me forget. I love you too, Alex. So damn much. It doesn’t get more real, sweetheart.” Ashlyn captures the brunette’s lips in a tender kiss intended to show her just how real before Ali undoubtedly lowers a hammer.

“No, it doesn’t get more real.” Ali repeats and pecks Ashlyn’s lips one more time.

“Alright then, hit me with The Bachelor thing.” Ashlyn gives her a tight smile.

“Well, it’s just the example of the people on that show forming these deep connections and falling head over heels in love with each other. And by the end, you have three women who are dying to marry the same guy… a guy who they probably never would have gone on a second date with in any other situation.” Ali lays it out. “That’s the point though, right… you give people enough time and press them to open up to each other without much real world influence, and really deep connections form. And those connections can elicit some really strong feelings that are often more dependent on the situation itself than anything else.”

“Think I see where you’re going with this.” Ashlyn admits quietly.

“I’m not saying that the connections can’t sometimes transcend the situation, but the vast majority of the time, they don’t. I mean, how many couples that were on The Bachelor are still together?” Ali makes her point.

“Maybe one or two in like more than 20 seasons.” Ashlyn concedes.

“Right. And as much as I hate to compare our situation to something like a reality show…again, it’s very similar. The circumstances that surround our relationship here are not only atypical, but stem from a purposely created scenario that is designed to be intense and to forge connections that might not ever have arisen in a more real world sense. That can make it really hard to decipher authentic feelings. Does that make sense?” Ali asks with a lump in her throat.

“Yeah, it does.” It’s all Ashlyn can manage.

“I don’t doubt the feelings between us at all, not in the slightest.” Ali reiterates. “But Ash, there’s a reality too. Nearly every client I’ve had has been in love with me and in a very real way. In any of those situations, had I said yes, they would have pursued a relationship with me. Some ready to leave spouses to do so. But the professional relationship ended like it had to every time. And the thing is, as real as it may have been during our time together for them… not a single one has come back. All of them have completely moved on. I’ve run into a few here and there, all happily in relationships. Not a single one is still in love with me.”

_But I’m not them! This is actually real for me._ Ashlyn wants to scream it, but she can’t form the words. She closes her eyes because the truth is hard to bear. _This is real._ But Ali is right_… it was real for the other clients too. _She feels Ali’s fingers running along the stubbly hair on the back of her neck and tries to remember to breathe as the brunette keeps talking.

“What’s different this time around is that I fell in love too and for me it’s real. And for the first time ever, I have to confront that and figure out how move on just like my client does. It was a blessing in disguise to have never found myself in this situation before now, but the truth is that every surrogate I know has been in this scenario…and they’ve moved on just fine too.” Ali forces her mind not to think of the one exception she desperately wants to latch onto, Mark Foster and his former-client wife. “That’s the very harsh reality.”

“Well reality fucking sucks.” Ashlyn can’t find it in herself to say it any differently.

“Very eloquent, Stanford vocab.” Ali tries to lighten things slightly and at least gets a tight smile. She just keeps moving her fingers along the back of Ashlyn’s neck, trying to be as reassuring as possible as the woman takes it all in.

Ashlyn is quiet while her mind runs over everything the brunette just explained, one final question eventually coming to the forefront even if she’s a little afraid to ask it. “Can I lay out a scenario?”

“Of course.” Ali nods.

“Ok, so you just said that sometimes the feelings can transcend the professional and situational relationship. I know that it’s probably rare and this whole thing is a long shot, but I just have to know.” Ashlyn pauses for a second. “What if we’re those two people where this can be real outside of this surrogacy relationship? What if this is one of those times where the feelings transcend the situation? Let’s say we move forward independently and enough time passes that it becomes clear to both of us that this connection is still strong and meaningful. Could we be together then?” She holds her breath.

“In all honesty, yes.” Ali replies easily, her mind again going back to Mark Foster’s situation. Still, she doesn’t let the statement linger at all before she follows it up. “But Ash, the chance that all of that happening is beyond slim. For both of us to move on and then come back to revisit these feelings…for so much time to pass and for us to then reconnect in a way that doesn’t put us back within the same power dynamic issue. The odds are…” She trails off.

“I know, I know.” Ashlyn relents. “I guess if there’s that hope though…”

“That’s exactly what you can’t do, babe.” Ali tells her.

“What?” Ashlyn asks quizzically.

“Hope for that magical scenario to happen for us.” Ali replies sadly.

“Why not?” Ashlyn challenges.

“Because if you do that…if you spend your time hoping for that, you’ll never move on.” Ali sighs. “Do you understand why you have to actually move on and be with other people?”

“Maybe I don’t.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Ash, if you don’t move on, then I just become another Sloane Jentz for you.” Ali cringes slightly even as she says it. “And just so you really get it…if that was to happen, it would undermine the whole connection we just built together. And then by extension, that magic scenario you were hoping for to begin with couldn’t ever happen.”

“I can’t even hope?” Ashlyn asks quietly, the Sloane statement hitting her like a brick.

“No, you can’t.” Ali kisses her softly to take away some of the sting. “You have to promise me. Promise me that you won’t hope so that you can move on.” She demands in a whisper even though she can feel her heart drop at her own request. “Promise me.”

Ashlyn looks up at the ceiling for a minute, willing the tears burning at the corners of her eyes to stay there. Only when she’s sure they won’t fall does she meet beautiful compassionate whiskey. “I promise.” It comes out in a raspy little squeak.

“Thank you.” Ali captures her lips and kisses her deeply, deliberately, feeling large hands securely grip her hips. Ashlyn hugs her so tight the second their lips part. She melts into it for a few moments before she pulls back to make one more thing clear. “It doesn’t mean we have to forget. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. Remember how we talked about that?”

“Yeah, I do.” Ashlyn feels the tiniest bit of relief at the brunette’s words.

“Well, it applies to this too. Don’t put effort into forgetting, put effort into learning from it. You know everything it takes now to build a good emotional and physical foundation with someone. And you now know what that healthy connection should feel like. Remember that and use it to move forward.” Ali offers her best advice; the very advice she’ll try to follow herself.

“At least there’s that. I couldn’t forget this no matter how hard I tried, Al.” Ashlyn confesses sincerely.

“Me either.” Ali gives her a tight smile. “I will never forget the way your whole face smiles when you greet me… the way my heart pounds and my stomach flutters when I’m around you… how accepted and understood I feel when I talk to you about anything and everything… how safe and protected I feel when you hold me… the way you know exactly how to touch my body before I even do…and the way I never want to leave you at the end of our sessions. I won’t forget your beautiful, kind heart and how truly good you are down to your very core. I will forever remember that perfect single dimple and even that slightly bigger freckle on your right breast.” Ali smirks before running the pad of her thumb over Ashlyn’s lips. “And I will absolutely never forget the way you kiss me, Ashlyn Harris… never, ever.”

“Sweetheart…” Ashlyn whispers a bit choked up, lips just a hair from touching Ali’s. “I’ve never had words to describe you, but I can tell you that there isn’t a single tiny detail about you that I will ever forget. Your love, your light, and your laugh have permanent home right here, Alex.” She takes Ali’s hand and puts it over her heart, leaning in for a romantic kiss as she holds it there. “I won’t even let myself forget that I’m almost willing to let Stanford be the Harvard of the west.” The beautiful melodic laugh that Ali lets out is enough to brighten her entire being, her own loud laugh escaping.

“I knew it!” Ali exclaims proudly.

“I said ALMOST!” Ashlyn counters as they both continue to laugh.

“Whatever you say, babe.” Ali pretends to role her eyes as the laughter dies down.

“Thank you for being honest with me and for taking care of me today.” Ashlyn gets serious again. “And for not forgetting me. I love you, Al.”

“I love you too, angel. More than literally fucking everything, right?” Ali smiles knowingly.

“You know it, lovebug.” Ashlyn replies with a dimpled grin before placing little kisses all over the brunette’s face and shoulders.

“How’s your uterus doing down there?” Ali checks in now that it has been a while.

“Still feeling relaxed and amazing. You’re a miracle worker.” Ashlyn sings her praises.

“Good.” Ali rests her hand on Ashlyn’s belly soothingly again. “How about we spend the next half hour kissing the hell out of each other so that we have all that much more to remember?” She purposely bites her lower lip with an enticing smirk.

“Fuck yes we will.” Ashlyn ghosts the brunette’s lips with her own. “So beautiful.” She adds sweetly before kissing Ali with everything she has, hoping that it creates a powerful muscle memory that never fails to make her heart race no matter how much time has passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of Ali's relief method?  
Thoughts on how this is playing out as they get closer to the end of therapy?
> 
> ***A couple people have suggested that I start posting once a week instead of twice. So, I could continue to post twice a week and get you to almost mid-January before I take a significant hiatus for surgery and recovery. Or, I could post once a week and get you through the end of January by setting the written chapters to post while I'm away. Your choice! I also set up a poll on Twitter (@InkedWrite11) and I'll go with the majority opinion.****


	32. Thankful Happenstance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that wedding...I still don't have words. But I do have a chapter, so let's do this!  
While the bumps ahead are pretty imminent now, I still think you're gonna like this chapter. Many of you have asked if they'll ever find themselves in a non-session moment, well...
> 
> Thanks for reading and, as always, drop me a comment with your thoughts :-)

Thankful Happenstance

“Why do people freak out over cooking a turkey?” Ali wonders out loud as she and Kyle check their own one last time before letting it rest, pleased by the perfectly plump and golden brown appearance. “It’s really not hard.”

“Totally isn’t. I’ll never get it.” Kyle agrees. “We’re less than gifted in the kitchen and this bird comes out great every time. Maybe people just like to whine about it to make themselves feel like it was some massive effort?”

“Good theory.” Ali giggles and turns back to stirring butter into the mashed potatoes. To be honest, their sides are mediocre and mostly prepared out of a box or in the microwave, but their turkey is always top notch.

When she and Kyle were really young, Thanksgiving dinner had always come delivered right from Carmine’s restaurant on the Upper East side. It showed up hot and looked like a picture perfect magazine spread once it was out of the containers and on serving trays. Neither of their parents had been great cooks, mostly sticking to basic meals that would get them through the week. Between their demanding jobs and lack of comfort in the kitchen, Thanksgiving had never seemed anything but daunting to the Kriegers. So, they took the stress out of it by ordering the best one they could find and focusing on family time instead.

That was until grandma Ellie died the summer Ali was nine years old. Grandma had been sick for a while and it was expected, but the whole thing had left her mother feeling nostalgic. She’ll never forget the way Deb came home one day that early November with that look on her face. That determined look that meant something significant was about to happen; she can still see it like it was yesterday if she closes her eyes. With a Martha Stewart Living magazine clutched in her hand, her mother had announced that she was cooking Thanksgiving dinner that year. Whether the whole dinner had ended up better than Carmine’s was a topic of hot debate in the Krieger household for a couple years, but the Martha Stewart homemade turkey recipe had won out. Deb cooked it every single year after that, even the one where they waited with shattered hearts to see if any semblance of their father would be found in the rubble of the towers.

The first Thanksgiving after Deb died, Ali and Kyle had felt a bit lost on what to do, opting to have their meal delivered from Carmine’s. Although it had looked and tasted just like they had remembered as kids, neither of them enjoyed it. The year after that had seen the two of them nervously huddled in the kitchen over that old Martha Stewart Living magazine recipe, following every step to the letter in hopes of not fucking it up. In the end, it had been pretty easy and they never looked backed. A perfectly cooked Martha Stewart turkey once again gracing their Thanksgiving table every year amongst a plethora of sides that never live up to the turkey.

“You ever wonder what will happen if either of us ends up with someone who can actually cook?” Kyle makes conversation as he starts carving the turkey.

Ali’s mind wanders to what kind of delicious meal Ashlyn is likely cooking right now and whether she makes a traditional turkey or something more modern before she realizes Kyle is still waiting for an answer. “We’ll just have much better tasting sides, this turkey stays as is…always.” She says resolutely.

“I was hoping you’d say that, cause I sure as hell am not giving it up for any man.” Kyle says as he waves the knife with dramatic flair.

“Easy there Julia Child, before you cut off a finger.” Ali warns him with a playful eye roll.

“Sooo…” Kyle finishes carving and goes to stand behind Ali, massaging her shoulders lightly while watching her spoon corn into a serving bowl. “Ruby can cook, huh?”

“What?” Ali asks distractedly before her brain catches up to what he asked. “Oh uh, yeah, she’s an excellent cook. Why?”

“Cause you got all spacey and took far too long to answer my turkey question. You were thinking about her, weren’t you?” He mentions it casually, more curious than anything else.

“Guess I was.” Ali replies, just now realizing the full implications of it. “Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have been.” She adds flatly with a shrug.

“You’re allowed to wish, you know.” Kyle squeezes her shoulders knowingly.

“I’m really not though.” Ali says with finality.

Kyle recognizes that tone and knows he shouldn’t press her. It’s not the best timing anyway. They invited their neighbor over since his fiancée is still away. “Tom should be here in like fifteen minutes. Come on babes, I’ll do your hair.”

“Thanks, Beebs!” Ali kisses his cheek and lets herself get led to the bathroom.

\-----------

“The blue tie for sure. Oh baby, you look so handsome!” Crystal gushes, watching over the computer screen as Pierre gets ready to present his work at a graduate student symposium. “Fuck, I could just eat you up. So sexy.” She adds, playfully clawing at the screen with a little roar.

“Oh my god, stop! You two are gonna impregnate my laptop.” Ashlyn cringes from where she is caramelizing onions in a pan for the green bean casserole. She’s been listening to the two of them flirt relentlessly over Skype for the last twenty minutes. She hears Pierre laugh through the speakers while Crystal flips her off.

“Ashlyn, I actually wanted to ask you something. Where are you?” Pierre calls to her.

“One sec!” Ashlyn calls back, taking the pan off the burner before going over. “She’s right, you do looking dashing.” She compliments him before getting back to the reason she came over. “What’s up, stud?”

“I know you were planning to stay home for Christmas, but I was hoping you might come here to Paris with Crystal? She and I talked about it, we’d love to have you. My family is dying to meet you. Will you come?” Pierre asks hopefully.

“Oh my dear Prince Charming Pierre, you are an absolute gem.” Ashlyn smiles at him, truly touched by the offer. “I absolutely adore you, you know that right? I love you like a brother. That being said, and I mean this in the nicest way possible… you two could not pay me enough to spend the holidays in the city of love as your third wheel.”

“Oh come on, we’re not that bad! Are we that bad?” Pierre appeals to Crystal.

“We probably are, baby.” Crystal shrugs with a laugh.

“Surely the baguettes would be worth it.” Pierre tries again.

“Ha, they just might be!” Ashlyn laughs. “Really though, I won’t be all by myself here. Whit and Pinoe will be here and their families will be visiting too. I’ve been told by Mama Engen that she’ll disown me as her second daughter if I’m not a full participant in family holiday time.”

“Ok, I understand. Was worth a try.” Pierre gives it up. “My family really can’t wait to meet you.”

“And I them.” Ashlyn assures him. “It’ll happen soon enough, promise. In the meantime, give them my love. And of course, my love to you too. Oh and good luck tonight, you’re gonna be great!” She blows him a kiss and starts back towards the kitchen. “I have to get back to cooking and you two have some more eye fucking to do I’m sure.”

“Crude!” Crystal nudges her. “But true.”

“I actually have to get going before I’m late.” Pierre says regretfully. “Should I call later to let you know how it went?”

“You better!” Crystal replies and gets closer to the screen. “Go get em’ baby! Muah.” She blows him a kiss. “So damn sexy.”

“Merci, belle reine. Je t'aime.” Pierre says in a deeper voice.

“Don’t even get me going!” Crystal warns him. “I love you too, baby boy.”

“Enjoy your strange, historically inaccurate, American gamebird holiday, ladies!” Pierre calls out loudly with a laugh.

“Pssh, you’re the one missing out! Later lover!” Crystal blows him another kiss and closes Skype while Ashlyn chuckles loudly in the kitchen.

“I just love that boy. And you know how I feel about men.” Ashlyn comments as Crystal sits down at a counter stool.

“Preaching to the choir, boss lady.” Crystal lets out a longing sigh.

“You got it bad, Dunn.” Ashlyn teases her. “But hey, only like a month until Christmas!” She reminds her cheerily.

“Cannot wait!” Crystal perks up. “He was really hoping you’d come even though I told him you had plans here. I thought his idea was the cutest thing. Legit made me fall for him even harder.”

“I was touched by the offer. Seriously, you found a really, really good one.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Alright, enough before I start getting all mopey.” Crystal warns. “What can I help with?”

“I’m very impressed with your level of domesticity today.” Ashlyn praises her. As helpful as Crystal can be with a lot of things, being in the kitchen isn’t her strong suit. Still, she’s been on her game today in terms of lending a hand. “Not much left though. I just have to get the casseroles heated in the oven. Turkey is done, so I’d say we can eat in like half an hour. Oh, I guess you can slice the cranberry sauce.” She hands her the can.

“Can’t wait, smells so damn good in here. I actually can’t believe you’re one of those canned jellied cranberry sauce people. It seems beneath you.” Crystal laughs.

“Somethings are great as is, never mess with perfection.” Ashlyn replies.

“I’m so not complaining. I could eat this shit right out of the can.” Crystal admits.

“Nooo! Nice even slices, always!” Ashlyn cringes in horror. “Eating it out of the can is so wrong in so many ways.” She shakes her head. “I’m gonna forget that you said that.”

“Well excuse me, Ms. Type A! Let me go get the ruler so these slices are perfect and you don’t have a meltdown. Such a weirdo.” Crystal counters and Ashlyn just makes a face at her. “Anyway, want to join me in shopping madness tonight?”

“Sorry, but hell no. As much as I love shopping, being able to avoid Black Friday is one of the biggest reasons I appreciate my wealth.” Ashlyn easily turns down the offer.

“You’re no fun, but I suppose you have to be well rested for Dr. Love tomorrow.” Crystal smirks.

“We actually cancelled tomorrow’s appointment because I still have my period and, like you, she’s one of these Black Friday people and figured she’d be wiped. So, it’s definitely just that I don’t do Black Friday.” Ashlyn snickers. “Sorry, minion.”

“Totally ok. You take so damn long to decide on things that you’d just slow me down anyway.” Crystal jibes her.

“I’d tell you to fuck off, but that’s a fair assessment.” Ashlyn concedes.

“At least you admit it. Unlike Pinoe who is even worse than you are.” Crystal rolls her eyes.

“I taught her everything she knows.” Ashlyn states proudly.

“That explains so much.” Crystal laughs.

“I actually need to go to the office for a bit tomorrow and get some stuff squared away while I have extra time. Call me in the morning when you get in from shopping though, I’ll go with you to visit your mom before I head to the office.” Ashlyn gives her a meaningful look, knowing how much the woman hates going to the cemetery alone.

Crystal quietly gets up and goes around the counter, pulling Ashlyn into a tight hug. “I swear, of all the things I’m thankful for in this world…you are the top of list, Ashlyn.” She says emotionally.

“It’s a two-way street, Crys. Always has been. Love you.” Ashlyn kisses the top of her head and squeezes her one more time. “Come on, if you get tears in my cranberry sauce, I’m cancelling Thanksgiving.” She says lightly as she lets go.

“And now I know where Pinoe learned how to kill a moment.” Crystal rolls her eyes and goes back to slicing the cranberry sauce while Ashlyn just snickers.

“Wine or beer?” Ashlyn holds up both options.

“Wine for the meal, beer for the football. Duh.” Crystal replies like it’s obvious.

“You and me Dunn, it was destiny!” Ashlyn grins at the correct answer.

“Bitch, you already know!” Crystal exclaims as Ashlyn pours the wine and brings over the glasses. “Happy Thanksgiving, boss lady.” She holds hers up.

“Back at ya! Clink, clink, biiitch!” Ashlyn lightly taps her glass to Crystal’s, enjoying every second of what is probably their last Thanksgiving alone together with Pierre moving to NYC next year.

\------------

“If this wasn’t our best Black Friday ever, it has to be damn close.” Kyle happily swings his shopping bags as they walk back to Ali’s condo.

“I’m gonna say it was definitely the best. We did the most damage this year for sure. I mean, a new Apple watch for 65% off…you’re never gonna beat that.” Ali agrees with him.

“Oh my god, I know! And the rainbow pride band to go with it!” Kyle practically starts skipping. “You fucking crushed it on the makeup deals. Oh, and the wedge boots you got are so cuuuute!”

“I wasn’t sure about those, but I’m so glad you convinced me. Can’t wait to wear them.” Ali admits.

“I will never let you down, babes. Especially not when it comes to cute shoes.” Kyle says extra flamboyantly.

“Hooome! Finally!” Ali exclaims as they reach her condo. She quickly opens the door and drops her bags in the entranceway before heading straight to the couch and plopping right down on it with a grunt.

“Does this mean you don’t want to go to Tyler’s with me tonight for a _Pose_ marathon?” Kyle holds up his phone to show her the text. “You were cordially invited.”

“I don’t even know how you’re standing upright right now, let alone going out for the night.” Ali shuts the idea down right away.

“Well you’re no fun!” Kyle scoffs at her. “I hear you, I’m wiped too, but I promised I’d go. At least we’re starting earlier than last time, he looks down at his new watch and sees that it’s nearing 4pm. I better get going in a minute.”

“You coming back here tonight or going to your place after?” Ali asks since Tyler’s apartment is about halfway in between both of their places.

“Yesterday’s leftovers are all in your fridge, is that even a question?” Kyle raises an eyebrow.

“Right.” Ali laughs. “I’m sure I’ll be out like a light when you get in, but come say goodnight.”

“Will do. You just gonna veg out on the couch like a sloth all night?” He teases her.

“Think I’m gonna hit those leftovers hard first. Then I’ll go grab some tea from the corner café and take a little walk to decompress before bed.” Ali replies with her head still buried into the couch cushion.

Kyle nods knowingly. Their parents’ absence hits them both hardest during the holidays, but while he deals with it by distracting himself with socializing, Ali tends be more solitary and reflective in finding her peace. “Alright well, be safe on your walk. And call me any time if you want me to come back and hang. I can leave Tyler’s at any point.” He goes over and kisses her cheek. “I’m sure I’ll be in late, so I’ll try not to completely wake you up. Love you so big, Al.”

“Have fun! Tell Tyler and crew that I said hi and that I promise to come next time.” Ali waves at him as he quickly fixes his hair in the hallway mirror and heads back out. She gives herself twenty minutes to just relax on the couch before eating a plate of leftovers and getting ready to head out. She opts for her slightly lighter coat since it won’t be as cold this evening as it was the last few days, shoving her gloves and a beanie hat in her purse just in case she’s wrong.

She grabs her biggest to-go mug and gets it filled at the café with her favorite ginger peach green tea before starting to walk aimlessly, her mind drifting back to yesterday and her mother’s turkey again. Her reminiscence soon has her thinking about her mother’s career as a therapist and her own situation with Ashlyn. Of course, Deb was never a sex surrogate…but had she been, what would she have done in this same position? Try as she might, Ali can’t come up with an answer to that question because she can’t really wrap her head around her mother being a sex surrogate. So her thoughts naturally transition to wondering what advice Deb would be giving her right now if she was still alive.

It doesn’t take her long at all to answer that question. Deb was always professional above all else. She would have told her to stay professional no matter what. It only takes Ali another minute to be hit with the harsher reality. She probably wouldn’t even be a therapist If her mother was alive, let alone a sex surrogate. And even if by some chance her career had turned out the same and Deb was actually here to give her the advice to stay professional, she would have done the exact opposite.

A feeling of guilt settles in her stomach at the way she had been so at odds with her mother after her father died despite the fact that she had admired her so much on a deeper level. Still, she can’t help but let out a cynical laugh at the irony of it all. That she’s staying professional exactly like her mother would have told her to do, but only because her mother isn’t here to tell her that. “God, that’s so fucked up.” She sighs to herself and stops walking, looking between the entrance that leads up to the Brooklyn Bridge and the street that she knows will lead to Ground Zero.

She hadn’t planned to take a very long walk, but she’s already wandered about a mile from home and has gotten a second wind. She quickly turns away from the direction of Ground Zero, knowing she doesn’t need to add any melancholy to her already contemplative mood. Even though it’ll take her over two miles away from home and probably means she’ll be taking the subway back, the walk across the Brooklyn Bridge is really inviting right now under the orange sunset sky.

Thirty minutes later she finds herself over the bridge and plopping down on the bench at the Northeast corner of Pier 1 still lost in her thoughts as she looks over the skyline. She’s not exactly sure how long she has been sitting there when a familiar voice manages to pull her out of her daze.

“Alex?”

\--------

“Ash, hi!” Ali’s face automatically breaks out into a huge smile. A weird sense of relief washes over her, almost like she had been subconsciously wishing Ashlyn was here and now she actually is. She gets right up and hugs her tight, doing her best to get her arms around the backpack Ashlyn has on. “What are you doing here?” She presses a soft kiss to the woman’s lips.

“Hi, beautiful.” Ashlyn pulls back and smiles at her, heart pumping fast at the greeting she just got. Every embattled emotion and thought she’s had over the past few days suddenly settles, as if seeing Ali tonight was the final piece she needed to make it all fit together. “I spent time in the office today. Not sure I told you that our office space is here in Brooklyn. We don’t get a lot of customers coming into the actual office, so we liked the idea of being out of the busier parts of the city.” She unnecessarily explains. “Anyway, just decided to walk a little and come sit by the water before heading home, and…”

“Found me on your bench. Sorry to take your spot.” Ali finishes the sentence for her.

“It’s a public bench, Al.” Ashlyn takes the airbuds out of her ears and works her backpack off before jokingly examining the bench. “Definitely doesn’t have my name on it.”

“You know what I mean.” Ali nudges her.

“Can I sit with you?” Ashlyn asks, motioning to the bench.

“Of course!” Ali loops her arm through Ashlyn’s and sits again, tugging the woman down with her. _She always smells so good._ She breathes Ashlyn in and leans her head on the woman’s shoulder with a satisfied smile.

“Did you have a good Thanksgiving?” Ashlyn asks, resting her head on the brunette’s.

“I did. My brother and I cooked the whole typical meal and had our neighbor over. It was fun.” Ali tells her. “What about you?”

“Same. Crystal and I did our usual thing and stuffed ourselves silly while we watched football. Definitely won’t be the same when her fiancé moves here next year. So, I think both of us were kind of enjoying it for all it was worth, you know?” Ashlyn replies.

“That’s sweet how you two appreciate each other so much.” Ali comments and Ashlyn nods.

“And how was today’s Black Friday extravaganza?” Ashlyn inquires with a jokingly judging tone.

“I’ll have you know that I crushed it!” Ali retorts.

“Was it really worth the exhaustion though?” Ashlyn challenges.

“Worth every drop of my four cups of coffee and hundreds of yawns.” Ali states proudly.

“You Black Friday people are delusional.” Ashlyn laughs and feels Ali nudge her again. “Congrats on a successful shopping day, Harvard.” She kisses the top of the brunette’s head and motions to her mug. “Is that the fifth coffee of the day?”

“God no. I switched to tea for the night.” Ali realizes it’s actually empty and moves to put the mug down on the floor, cozying right back into Ashlyn’s side.

“Sooo, what brings you to my spot?” Ashlyn asks lightly.

“A very distracted walk.” Ali answers simply before elaborating. “I think a lot about my parents around holidays and thought I’d get some fresh air and settle my mind a bit.”

“You walked all the way here from home? That’s a pretty long walk.” Ashlyn remarks.

“Yeah, that wasn’t exactly the plan. I was just wandering aimlessly and found myself at the base of the bridge and not ready to head home yet. So, it was either towards Ground Zero or over the bridge… bridge seemed like the better plan.” Ali explains.

“Good call.” Ashlyn wraps her arm around Ali’s shoulder and pulls her into her side a little closer.

“Next thing I know, I was sitting here.” Ali pauses for a second and then keeps going even though she knows she doesn’t have to. “I was wrapped up thinking about my Mom and how much like her I’ve turned out to be as a therapist and a person. I feel really guilty sometimes that she never got to see that side of me. That I was so hard on her after my Dad died and didn’t really realize it until she was gone.”

Ashlyn just kisses the top of Ali’s head again and keeps listening.

“You know, on this bench with you a few weeks ago… this was the last spot where I talked about them that felt good and positive on the whole.” Ali realizes. “Think maybe something subconscious led me here knowing it might help combat that guilt today.”

Ashlyn nods and processes it for a minute before finally speaking. “I’d actually bet everything that she knew.”

“What?” Ali asks, not sure what she’s referring to.

“Your mom.” Ashlyn clarifies. “I mean, I don’t know anything about your mom at all, obviously…but I do know you. You said she was a great therapist. And you’re a great therapist. You even just said yourself that you’re a lot like her. If I know anything about you Alex, it’s that you’re insanely intuitive and perceptive. I have no doubt that she was too and that you probably got that from her. Heck, if she was even half as intuitive as you are…” She trails off and leaves it unfinished before continuing her ramble. “And on top of that, you’re not some client. You’re her baby. There’s no way she didn’t see how alike you two were and how much you loved and admired her. No way she didn’t understand what you were going through. Nah, she saw past all that and she knew.”

“Thank you.” Ali manages to get out in a tiny little whisper, her hand resting behind Ashlyn’s neck before she captures her lips slow and soft, putting all her emotions into the kiss because she’ll never find the words to reply to one of the most meaningful things anyone has ever said to her.

“You ok?” Ashlyn asks when the brunette pulls away, her eyes still hooded.

“I am.” Ali pecks Ashlyn’s lips one more time and settles back against her shoulder. “You know, Stanford, you’d make a decent therapist.”

“No way, I’m too socially awkward for that. I’m much better suited to being a dorky programmer, trust me.” Ashlyn replies.

“You’re totally not socially awkward.” Ali scoffs at the idea.

“Maybe not outwardly anymore, but I still kind of am on inside. Definitely used to be a total Bill Gates type awkward until I really had to take on the big business CEO role. That pulled me out of my shell and forced me to be more outgoing. Still, if you put me with the programmers, I absolutely revert back and we’re all hopeless in that situation. Naturally, I tend to seek out the CEOs at business events these days.” Ashlyn laughs at her own expense.

“I don’t really know any programmers other than you, but if we’re basing off of the notable ones like Gates, Jobs, and Zuckerberg…yeah, you all seem like a really lively bunch.” Ali giggles.

“Oh yeah, life of the party.” Ashlyn agrees sarcastically. “Besides, I don’t even know how people manage to be therapists. Like how do you not get totally drained by people just releasing their unhealthy vibes and bad energy on you all the time?”

“Sometimes you really do get drained.” Ali divulges. “It certainly takes a passion for it, like I’m sure it does for programming. It’s also the ability to be really self-aware and realize when it’s draining you. You have to be proactive in making sure you’re practicing the same self-care that you preach and taking breaks when you need them. I take a lot of little vacations and at least one big one once a year to refresh. Knowing your limits is important. Exactly why I’m at the point where I feel like the sex surrogate gig is up for me. It was starting to feel like it was pulling me away from making healthy connections in my personal life.”

“Makes sense.” Ashlyn considers it. “Still couldn’t do it though. I’m more of a nose-to-the-grindstone and ignore your own needs until the goal is met kind of person. Most programmers are. Like we don’t even stop to pee sometimes.”

“Yeah that wouldn’t bode well. Guess you’ll just have to stick to programming and be satisfied with your occasionally brilliant therapeutic insights.” Ali jokes.

“Gladly.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly. “Are you cold?” She asks at feeling Ali give a little shiver.

“A little chilly, but totally fine.” Ali assures her. “Didn’t think I’d be sitting outside like this, so I opted for a lighter coat. Oh, but I brought a hat and gloves.” She remembers and goes to grab them, feeling Ashlyn shift too. “And don’t you dare take off your coat to give it to me like I know you’re about to, Stanford.” She warns. “Your delicate warm-climate self will be a popsicle in no time and I can’t have that.”

“Geez, I really don’t have any mystique left at all with you, do I?” Ashlyn can’t help but laugh, taking the hat out of Ali’s hands and helping the brunette put it on before sitting back to look her over. “You look adorable in that hat.” She leans in and kisses her nose.

“Yep, much warmer. This will do just fine.” Ali says as she puts on her gloves and nuzzles right up to Ashlyn again.

“Well, I do have one additional warmth solution that doesn’t involve me shedding clothes.” Ashlyn reaches for her backpack. “This is technically not a session for us, so totally your call.” She pulls out two bottles of liquor. “Tequila or bourbon, pick your poison.”

“Do you always carry booze in your backpack?” Ali asks with wide eyes.

“Not a bad idea, but no. This past week we officially signed the final business contract with that database tech company we partnered with a few weeks ago. Their CEO sent these as a gift and they were on my desk, so I was bringing them home.” Ashlyn explains.

“Got it.” Ali nods at the explanation and considers the offer for a few seconds. “Well, why the hell not. I feel like today calls for a stiff drink.”

“Excellent decision, especially seeing as how this is $400 Rey Del Sol tequila and $900 Buffalo Trace bourbon. I haven’t tried this tequila before, but I can tell you the bourbon is smooth and fabulous.” Ashlyn smirks as Ali’s eyebrows practically raise up into her hairline. “Which will it be? Or perhaps both?”

“Holy shit, are you sure you want to open that?!” Ali exclaims, glad it’s already dark so anyone passing by can’t really see what they’re doing.

“Absolutely. It’s a total waste not to drink expensive liquor.” Ashlyn says easily.

“Wow, ok.” Ali looks at the two bottles, just now noticing that even their designs look expensive. “I haven’t had tequila since like college, but I’m really not a bourbon drinker and it’ll just be wasted on me. So, tequila it is.”

“Good choice. I looked this one up…apparently it’s really easy to drink and has some sweet caramel and vanilla notes in it.” Ashlyn shrugs, opening it and handing it to the brunette before opening the bottle of bourbon. “Cheers, beautiful.” She clinks her bottle with Ali’s and takes a swig.

“Cheers, babe! Damn, that _is_ really smooth and good.” Ali comments after taking a swig of her own bottle. “I’ve never bought into the whole expensive liquor craze, but maybe I should have.”

“I actually find the most expensive bourbons to be too medicine-like in their flavor for me. I prefer mid-range ones like this one.” Ashlyn replies.

“$900 is mid-range?!” Ali’s eyes widen again.

“More like well below mid-range. Bourbons get crazy pricey, like in the thousands. There’s even a million-dollar bottle somewhere.” Ashlyn informs her.

“Well, now I don’t feel so elitist drinking this then. And I’m definitely getting warmer.” Ali laughs and takes another swig of her bottle.

“Warmer? Please, if you get any hotter, this bench is gonna burst into flames.” Ashlyn gives her a dimpled grin.

“Such a flirt.” Ali uses her thigh to nudge Ashlyn’s, making one of the airbuds that were balanced on top of the woman’s leg fall off. “Oops, sorry.” She bends down to pick it up and hands it back to her.

“No worries, they’re just cheap generic ones.” Ashlyn reassures her.

“Really? You’ll drink $900 bourbon, but you won’t buy $200 Apple airpods?” Ali asks incredulously.

“Yep. I’m an anomaly like that.” Ashlyn grins at the confused look on the brunette’s face.

“You sure are.” Ali presses a light kiss to the woman’s jaw, completely enamored with her little idiosyncrasies. “So, what were you listening to?” She motions to the airbuds in Ashlyn’s hand, figuring she’ll probably get the rundown on some podcast or something like that.

“This.” Ashlyn pulls her phone out of her pocket and turns on the screen, showing Ali the album cover that is still open on her music app.

“Oh my god, you’re one of those Christmas music immediately after Thanksgiving people!” Ali blurts out after seeing the holiday-looking album cover titled ‘Winter Songs’.

“Guilty.” Ashlyn confesses. “Gonna guess by your reaction that you’re not?”

“Correct. I wait until at least December 1st…which is actually reasonable.” Ali teases.

“I wasn’t one of these early bird holiday people until I met Whit. She would always blast Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving and I never stood a chance at resisting. I gave in eventually and now I’m one of them.” Ashlyn shakes her head at herself.

“There’s no valid excuse. It’s a good thing you’re gorgeous enough to get away with it.” Ali plays back and looks back down at Ashlyn’s phone. “As much as I love a good holiday album, I don’t know that one.” She looks at it a bit closer and doesn’t see an artist name, just that it’s called _Winter Songs_.

“It’s a collection of classics and contemporary songs by various artists like Katy Perry, Sara Bareilles, Brandi Carlile, Fiona Apple, and quite a few others.” Ashlyn tells her.

“I’ll have to check in out. I like all of those people. Really love Brandi Carlile.” Ali replies.

“Of course you do…such a good lesbian, Harvard. At least when it comes to music it seems.” Ashlyn goads her and earns a giggle. “My favorite song of hers is actually on this album. It’s called ‘The Heartache Can Wait’.”

“Well I must not be a big enough fan, don’t know that one.” Ali admits.

“I have to confess that listening to it today is what led to me ending up at this bench tonight.” Ashlyn reveals.

“Really, why?” Ali can’t help her curiosity.

Ashlyn lets out a soft breath and takes a long sip of bourbon. “Since we talked on Tuesday, I’ve been thinking a lot about us. Like trying to come up with some semblance of a game plan for how this goes.” She says flatly and then finds herself rambling. “I’ve always thought this was the most beautifully tragic song and I’ve always loved it, but I also never personally connected with it really. It’s about this couple that is trying to hold onto their good memories even though there’s nothing left between them in their relationship; trying to just make it through the holidays together one last time before they part. Anyway, I was already deep in thinking about you, and just so torn on things. Then listening to this today kind of threw me for a loop and made me settle somewhere. Here, maybe just listen to it first.”

Ali just nods and takes one of the airbuds that Ashlyn offers her, each of them putting one in their ears and listening together. She lays her head back on Ashlyn’s shoulder and feels the woman’s arm wrap her up snuggly again. The opening instrumental is soulful and almost hollow, tragically beautiful before any words are even sung, just like Ashlyn described it.

_You're talking about leaving_  
_It's right about Christmas time_  
_Thinking about moving on_  
_I think I might die inside_  
_I'm thinking about years gone by_  
_I'm thinking about church at midnight_  
_I'm thinking about letting go_  
_I think that might finally be alright_  
_But this is where we shine_

_Silver bells and open fire_  
_And songs we used to sing_  
_One more chance to be inspired_  
_Is what I'm offering if love is not enough_  
_Then stay with me because_  
_The heartache can wait_

_It's not about hanging on_  
_It's making my deal with God_  
_If I could call one last truce_  
_We've given it all we've got_  
_Then I'm gonna catch my breath_  
_And make it a long December_  
_If we've got nothing left_  
_This could be worth remembering_  
_With a smile upon my face_

_Silver bells and open fire_  
_And songs we used to sing_  
_One more chance to be inspired_  
_Is what I'm offering if love is not enough_  
_Then stay with me because_  
_The heartache can wait_

Ali takes a minute to really process everything once the song is over, thinking through what Ashlyn said along with the lyrics and how it might all fit together. “So, you’re thinking we hold on until Christmas is over? And then, go for like a clean start for the New Year?” She asks carefully.

“Well, I was.” Ashlyn answers honestly. “In my head and in my heart, that was pretty much what I envisioned without quite realizing.”

“Was?” Ali questions in confusion.

“Yeah…was.” Ashlyn nods and takes another long sip from her bottle, seeing the brunette do the same from the corner of her eye. “I listened to this song on the way into the office today and I found myself suddenly connecting to it because that’s pretty much what I was doing… holding on to you as long as possible even if I know the inevitable end is right there. And it really hit me that I was wrong, that my plan to hold on for dear life was…” She can’t find the words to finish, just letting out a sigh and looking up at the sky.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Ali puts her bottle down and gently holds Ashlyn’s face in her hands, making the woman hold her gaze. “It’s ok. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

“I don’t even know how to say it other than just to say that I realized…the heartache _can’t_ wait.” Ashlyn puts it the best way she can in the context of the song. Ever since this morning, all she can think about is Nancy’s metaphor about climbing the mountain. There’s a snowstorm coming and if she prolongs her stay at the top to keep admiring the beauty, she’ll die up there. “When you left on Tuesday, I got so damn agitated and almost like angry at you even though I wasn’t really angry with you. The conversation we had…it tossed me into this maddening place of being stuck between wanting to give you every last piece of myself and wanting to run away to protect my heart. I’m already gonna break, and the longer I hold on…” She trails off again. “I know deep down that I can’t put it off much longer if I’m going to have any chance of keeping my promise to you and putting myself back together. No matter how badly I want to stay right here, I can’t.”

“I know.” Ali bites the inside of her lip, her heart feeling as wounded as Ashlyn’s voice sounds right now. “I feel you. I always feel you.” She can’t say much more around the lump in her throat and the awful pang in her chest. “So, before Christmas then?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn confirms, her low and grainy tone one of unmistakable despair. “I only see one way not to be completely fucked up over wanting to give you everything I can and also shelter myself…it’s to do both.” She says vaguely. “And, so maybe two or three more sessions. Might not be that concrete, but something like that I think.” She lays out the adjusted timeline that has been occupying her mind today.

“I think you’re so brave...braver than me.” Ali presses her forehead against Ashlyn’s and draws strength from the woman’s resolve even if she doesn’t quite understand what exactly these wrap-up sessions will entail based on what she just said. “We’re gonna be ok.”

“We’re gonna be ok.” Ashlyn repeats the words in hopes that she internalizes them. “I love you…god do I love you, in places and depths I didn’t even know I had. So much that it brings me to my knees.”

“I love you too, Ash.” Ali ghosts the woman’s lips. “Powerful beyond what I ever thought possible…right there on my knees with you.” She kisses her hard, desperate to feel it spread through every nerve ending and settle deep in her bones.

Ashlyn whimpers softly and pulls Ali tighter against her as best she can with a bottle still clutched in one hand, not able to get enough of the brunette’s usual taste on her lips combined with the now lingering sweetness of the tequila. Her own bourbon has worked its way through her system, amplifying the warm tingly feeling that Ali always ignites under her skin. She’s breathless and slightly dizzy, but she just keeps pulling the brunette even closer and kissing her more passionately with each passing minute.

It’s unclear who pulls back first, but they both loudly gasp for air once their lips part, making them both giggle at each other to the extent that they can with chests heaving. They eventually settle back into their earlier position as they catch their breath, Ali cozied up into Ashlyn’s side with her head on the woman’s shoulder, Ashlyn with her arm around the brunette and her head resting on Ali’s.

“You alright?” Ali ask quietly.

“Always alright with you here.” Ashlyn replies sweetly. “As for after that, I can only hope I will be and that’s really all I’ve got for now.” She adds more truthfully. “You?”

“Exact same.” Ali kisses the woman’s chin. “This is really nice, being with you outside of a session.”

“It is.” Ashlyn agrees. The two of them sit there snuggled close together in the dark well into the night, listening to the sound of the water, talking about all kinds of inconsequential little things, and taking in the bridge traffic and city lights while occasionally stealing long romantic kisses and sipping more of the high quality liquor.

“Do you think there’s any way we wouldn’t have ended up on this bench together tonight?” Ali eventually asks, her mind ever amazed by the level of connection she feels to this woman and the way everything feels like fate even though she’s never believed in it.

“Not a chance in hell.” Ashlyn says simply like it’s a fact, practically melting at Ali’s sweet melodic laugh that follows.

“Ugh, it’s way late and I was up before dawn for shopping. Plus, I’m tipsy as fuck and on my way to drunk.” Ali finally realizes what time it is, putting the top back on the tequila and handing the rest of the bottle to Ashlyn.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn lets out a long breath and stretches her back before putting the bottles in her backpack. “At least we didn’t get busted for public drinking.”

“For real.” Ali laughs and stands up.

“I originally planned to take an Uber home, but any chance you’ll walk with me back over the bridge?” Ashlyn asks hopefully, not quite ready to part ways.

“Only if you promise to kiss me goodnight.” Ali’s face lights up in a beaming smile that makes her nose crinkle before she lets out another little laugh.

_My heart, you own my whole heart with that smile and that laugh. And those eyes…I can’t. _“Factoring in the time it will be by the time we actually make it over the bridge…” Ashlyn looks at her watch. “I absolutely promise to kiss you goodnight. And then I promise to kiss you good morning too, sweetheart.”

“Deal, angel.” Ali takes off her gloves and holds her hand out for Ashlyn, who presses a kiss to the top of it before entwining their fingers together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, are your emotions all over the place yet? Hit me with all those thoughts!
> 
> ****Also, due to the majority vote, I'll be posting once a week now for as long as I can with the chapters I have written. I'll be posting on Sunday evening/night****


	33. Exit Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I'm trying not to torture you by dragging out the chapters that wrap-up therapy, I'm also not rushing them because there are lots of little details that make sense later and/or help bring things together. You know me and my excessive details :::eye rolls at self:::  
That being said, let's see how these two process their unplanned out-of-session meetup along with the new acknowledgment that things are ending very soon. And just when you thought you knew who Nancy was, hmmm...
> 
> Keep those comments coming, I love to know what you're thinking :-)  
Have a wonderful week!

Exit Plan

“Well, well, well, enjoying your pie my little liar?” Kyle teases his sister when he gets home around 1am and finds her sitting on the couch and halfway through a leftover slice of pumpkin pie. “And who exactly is ‘a friend’?” He holds up his phone with the text Ali sent him earlier on the screen.

Ali rolls her eyes and takes her time chewing her bite of pie. She wasn’t sure what time he would get home and didn’t want him to worry in case she wasn’t there, so she sent him a text while she sat on the bench with Ashlyn.

“First of all, I didn’t lie. I really am wiped out from shopping and had no plans to go out. Just kinda happened.” Ali explains. “And second, none of your business, nosey.”

“Alllllleeeex! Tell me!” Kyle whines at her and plops himself down next to her, batting his eyelashes. “Oh, and you went out for drinks?!” He adds when he smells the alcohol on her. “Why are you being all mysterious?” He narrows his eyes at her.

“I’m not being mysterious. I went out for a walk, ran into someone, and we hung out.” She says simply, but she can’t stop thinking about the incredible goodnight and good morning kisses she just got less than an hour ago. The ones that left her brain-fogged, breathless, and practically floating with a Carmex tingle on her lips just like always.

“You’re smiling like a weirdo and being shady as fuck.” Kyle interrupts her thoughts. “I’m getting pie, but don’t think you’re off the hook.”

Ali enjoys the few minutes of peace she gets while Kyle grabs himself some pie and a drink in the kitchen, but it’s not long before he’s right beside her again and practically boring a hole in the side of her face with his stare. She knows he’s not going to give up and debates the quickest way to fill him in so she can go to bed as soon as possible. Before she can even say a word, he suddenly sits up straight and turns his body towards her.

“Oh. Em. Gee! You were with _her_, weren’t you?!” He can’t believe it took him this long to realize. “I should’ve known from that absurdly satisfied smile on your face.” He puts his pie plate down and rubs his hands together eagerly. “How on earth did it happen? Did she call you? Tell me EVERYTHING!”

“This look on my face is just as much the fact that I haven’t slept in over 24 hours and I’m about to die of exhaustion.” Ali shoots him a look. “And no, she didn’t call me. It was totally coincidental. I took a walk to clear my head and just kind of got caught up in thinking about some things.” She looks at him meaningfully, knowing she doesn’t have to elaborate about that part. “Anyway, I ended up over in Brooklyn just sitting in a spot that she and I met up before… the one where I told her about Mom and Dad actually. And then next thing I knew, she was there.”

“Oh my gosh, this is like a little romantic comedy.” Kyle interjects with a squeal.

“Do you want to hear the rest or not? Cause I need bed.” Ali warns him.

“Sorry, sorry! Continue.” He motions with his hand.

“I sat there cuddled up with her for hours. Long story, but she had a couple bottles of ridiculously expensive liquor that someone gifted her. So, we drank it together. We talked about heavy things and lights things, literally anything and everything. It was just exactly what I needed tonight.” Ali rests her head back against the couch and looks over at Kyle, but he doesn’t say a word and just keeps listening attentively.

“And even though we came to the conclusion that our therapy sessions together are going to come to a close really damn soon, I just can’t even find it in me to be sad about it right now. Being there with her tonight, with no other agenda but to hang out… it was just the best damn night. The best ever.” Ali smiles widely just thinking about it. “I love being around that woman. Nobody makes me feel like she does, no matter what we’re talking about. Nobody. And you know what?” Ali pauses for a second and finds Kyle’s eyes. “Nobody has ever kissed me the way she does either. I don’t even know how. I just know that the earth moves under my feet every time she does and I feel like I’m home. Every single time.” She ends with that.

“Holy shit.” Kyle can only whisper with wide eyes at flowery declarations he’s never heard his sister make. Not to mention that she just majorly blurred a line with a client that she’s never even so much as gotten near, and she’s happy about it on top of that.

“Yep.” Ali gets up with a content little smile and leans down to kiss him on the forehead. “We’ll talk in the morning. Right now, I’m gonna go to bed and enjoy the hell out of how good I feel before it all crashes down. Love you.”

“Love you too, Als.” Kyle watches her walk up the stairs, still a bit stunned. “Well ok then.” He picks up his pie slice and takes a bite, too tired himself to even process the extent of everything she just said.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t even know what I was nervous about. Her family is awesome and super welcoming.” Megan finishes up recounting her Thanksgiving with Sue’s family. “I already know my family is gonna love her when she gets to meet them at Christmas. And we’ve been talking about taking a vacation together this spring.” She pauses and looks from Whitney to Ashlyn with a little smile. “Think I might need some help ring shopping before that vacation.”

“Pinoe! Yes, biiitch!” Ashlyn pops right up and practically yanks Megan out of the chair to hug her, lifting her right off the ground. “That’s amazing! I’m all over it!”

“I’m so damn happy for you, Meg!” Whitney says more sweetly when it’s her turn, using her real name like she has only ever does in important moments. “I’ll actually be happy to go shopping with you for once!” She adds more playfully.

“Thanks, loves.” Megan kisses them each on the cheek and sits back down. “Pretty fuckin stoked. Like who even am I right now?”

“A true rush-in and u-haul-it lesbian, finally!” Ashlyn teases.

“About time I got my badge.” Megan belly laughs.

“I told you good things would happen when you stopped being yourself.” Whitney can’t help but poke fun at her.

“Right, so now you know how to get Ryan to propose to you.” Megan gives it right back to her and sticks her tongue out.

“Please, men are so simple. Tell them to do anything while giving them a blowjob and they’ll do it. Or even a handjob for that matter.” Whitney shrugs with a smirk, loving it when she gets an opportunity to zing both her friends in one shot like this.

“Whit, nooooooooo!” Ashlyn covers her ears and rocks back and forth in her chair while Megan pretends to gag.

“Settle down lady lovers, it’s just a dick.” Whit rolls her eyes, still smirking with pride.

“Stop saying man part things!” Megan begs and Ashlyn nods vigorously, the two of them making a show of it mostly because it’s Whitney who’s rarely overt about anything sexual.

“Anyway, what’s on our weekly agenda?” Whitney finally relents.

“Yes, work! Work is good!” Ashlyn says dramatically just to earn another one of Whitney’s patented eye rolls. “Top of the list for me is a separation strategy.”

“Oh boy, someone is grumpy as fuck about missing a session this week.” Megan lets out a low whistle and raises an eyebrow at Ashlyn.

“I am not.” Ashlyn grumbles. “Look at this shit.” She opens the newspaper to a small story about a recent minor Facebook data breach and lays it out on the desk for them to see. “This is nothing right now in the grand scheme of things, but it also won’t stop here. We all know they are collecting all kinds of user data without people realizing just how much. And obviously, they’re not doing anything malicious with it, but they’re also not exactly all that invested in securing properly. It’s just sitting there begging for someone to hack into and exploit. Or even worse, they’ll sell it to some third party without doing their homework and it’ll wind up doing major harm. All while they’re seriously considering sharing user data right now as part of health plans and medical records…fucking ridiculous! As long as we’re still connected to them, our name is on the line too. And we have no control over this.” She points to the newspaper again. “Sure, we can drop our contract with them in a hot second, but we also have almost 30 people relying on us to employ them. So, I say again, we need an exit strategy so we’re prepared. It has nothing to do with Friday.”

Whitney looks over at Megan, the two of the exchanging a quick look before Whitney takes the lead. “You’re right. We’ve been talking about this a lot and taking small steps forward on it, but those steps aren’t nearly big enough.”

“Thank you! Finally!” Ashlyn leans back in her chair with satisfaction.

“But first, what was Friday? Start talking, Sherlock.” Whitney looks at her knowingly, making it clear that she caught Ashlyn’s little slip up right away. Megan joins right in by crossing her arms and looking at Ashlyn expectantly.

“Fine, I was gonna tell you later anyway.” Ashlyn gives in with a sigh. “I came into the office for a bit on Friday and then decided to go sit by the water on my way home like I do sometimes. Anyway, when I got over there…well, _she_ was there.”

“Dr. Love Sex Goddess was there?!” Megan sits forward in her chair.

“Yeah, completely unplanned.” Ashlyn shrugs. “We sat together for hours and talked about pretty much everything under the sun. I had those bottles of liquor that Kameryn sent us, and we drank some and made out some…and just, I don’t know. It was this amazing night even though I made a really hard decision that is probably gonna crush me just as much as it’ll keep from drowning.”

“Wait, so this wasn’t any kind of session at all?” Whitney asks.

“Nope.” Ashlyn answers.

“Woah. Well that changes things a bit, right?” Whitney questions.

“Um yeeeeah, just a tad!” Megan says sarcastically. “Come on, that’s practically a date!”

“It wasn’t date.” Ashlyn weakly protests because she can’t figure out what to call it either. “I guess it maybe teetered on the boundary, but then really not at all when you factor in the outcome.”

“I’m not following. What outcome?” Whit says looking befuddled.

“Lost, lost, lost.” Megan squawks in agreement.

“We came to the decision to end therapy together really soon, probably in another couple of sessions.” Ashlyn says evenly.

“For real? Why?!” Megan exclaims. “Wait! Ended it so that you two can date?”

“Hold on, did she suggest that?” Whitney probes for more too.

“Jesus Christ, both of you fucking chill out for a sec!” Ashlyn throws her hands up at the assault of questions, getting mumbled apologies from both of them. “First of all, we’re not dating and we’re not going to date. Period. End of discussion on that. She made it really clear to me why it can’t be that way, and while I fucking hate it with a passion, I understand it at least. I can explain it to you more later if you guys want.”

“Damn. I’m sorry, Ash.” Megan gets up and immediately leans down to wrap her up in a hug.

“Thanks.” Ashlyn returns the hug tightly before looking at Whitney whose lips are pursed. “Watson?”

“Well, honestly, I hate it for you. But as long as you’re ok…” Whitney trails off. “She suggested bringing it to an end?” She asks again.

“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Not at all. Actually, I brought it up and I’m setting the timeline myself.” She watches both of her friends’ eyes widen and continues. “I guess having a better grasp on the fact that I need to move on, I think that me pulling myself together and moving forward needs to happen sooner rather than later. Is it gonna hurt? Yeah, badly. It already does. But I’m hopeful that maybe this way I’ll come out ok on the other side of this.” She looks between both of them again, but finds the same stunned expression on their faces. “What?” She asks softly.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way.” Megan prefaces. “Butch, this might be the most emotionally healthy I have ever heard you sound despite the heart break thing. Do you even realize just how grounded about yourself you seem right now?”

Ashlyn shrugs her shoulders, not sure how to respond. She looks at Whitney for something further.

“What she said, but just…” Whitney searches for the right words, awestruck at the now obvious amount of growth in her best friend in such a short time. “This whole thing really fucking worked for you, didn’t it?”

“I guess that still fully remains to be seen… and it’s achingly hard right now.” Ashlyn says realistically. “Yeah though, I think maybe it really did. I’m not done yet and it’s far from over even once it’s over, but yeah maybe.”

“They grow up so fast.” Megan breaks the moment and wipes a pretend tear.

“Ignore the twerp whose emotional depth was already at zero and is quickly declining.” Whitney teases and gets flipped off. “Anyway! I’m feeling like a million things for you right now, Ash, but really just so wowed by you.” She reaches over Ashlyn’s desk and squeeze her hand. “We’ll be here for all of it, good and bad, we’re always here.” She reminds her.

“I know.” Ashlyn smiles at them. “Same always goes for you two. Even if you tell me man-sex details that make me want to rip my ears off.” She looks pointedly at Whitney and breaks out into a little chuckle.

“Lesbian Union, biiitch!” Megan first bumps Ashlyn.

“Why I ever thought it was a good idea to introduce you two is beyond me.” Whitney playfully shakes her head before giggling.

“Alright, alright, now that we’ve crossed life drama off the agenda, can we _PLEASE_ get to a separation plan?” Ashlyn pleads to get back to her original itinerary, not sure her heart can take anymore talking about Ali.

“You’re the visionary genius, Sherlock. Whatcha got?” Whitney doesn’t bother wasting time by having herself or Megan toss around ideas. If Ashlyn has chosen to focus on this, it means she thought about it enough to have some kind of blueprint. And when it comes to big plans, no one does it better.

“Well the plan on the whole is pretty simple, the execution is a lot of moving pieces and a lot of investment though.” Ashlyn gets right down to it. “We have a big idea already and we’re officially all contracted up with Kameryn and her squad. Let’s not sleep on it and hit the ground running to make it happen. I think we start allocating most of our resources there and then, when we inevitably have to walk away, we’re ready.”

“I’m already in for whatever, you know that. Just tell me what you need and I’ll figure out a way to re-work our financial structure.” Megan doesn’t need to hear more, especially because she knows she won’t understand half of it once her two friends really get going on the brainiac-level stuff.

“Make a new baby, huh?” Whitney asks with a smile.

“I think it’s time.” Ashlyn nods. “Whit, will you be my baby mama?” She asks with a laugh.

“Let’s do it, Pops!” Whitney giggles.

“Y’all are gross and weird.” Megan teases, walking over to the corner of Ashlyn’s office and pulling out a bottle of bourbon and tumbler glasses from the little liquor cabinet. She’s pours about a shot in each one and then hands one to both Ashlyn and Whitney.

“To a new giant.” Ashlyn raises her tumbler.

“To a new giant.” Whitney repeats.

“Clink, clink, biiitch!” Megan closes their toast like usual.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I guess I just don’t understand why he can’t be more into spending time together. It’s not like I’m asking for us to spend every waking second joined at the hip like when we first started dating. But some dedicated time together is important to me. And he just doesn’t seem to be as into that lately. It makes me feel like we’re falling apart.” Ali just nods as her client finishes explaining her side of what led to a weekend long argument with her husband.

“Ok Bill, how do you feel about what Lynn just said? Is it accurate that you’re not wanting to spend time together?” Ali questions the husband.

“Not at all!” Bill defends himself. “I started a new job and work more hours, so I’m pretty wiped out right now as I’m getting used to it. And I’m not always up for going out and being crazy active on weekends, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with her. I’d love for us to just watch a movie together or just veg out.”

“So, you were trying to relax on Saturday and she wanted go out?” Ali clarifies.

“Not even that, because she didn’t even ask me to go out. She specifically said ‘I’m going make lunch, you can just chill if you want’ and then next thing I know she’s banging shit around in the kitchen like she’s possessed or something!” Bill exclaims.

“Cause I didn’t want to have to force you to spend time with me!” Lynn retorts in exasperation. “If I have to fucking ask, then it’s not you genuinely wanting to spend time with me.”

“Alright, alright, let’s take it down a notch.” Ali tries to settle them again, especially since they’ve just started to come down from yelling at each for the last 25 minutes. “Don’t think we’re going to make much progress if you just scream at each other. Let me ask you each some questions and see if we can figure out where the disconnect is, ok?” She suggests and gets a nod from both of them.

“So Bill, what was your mindset when Lynn said she was going to make lunch?” Ali inquires.

“I thought she knew I was tired and was being really understanding to let me relax. I actually thought it was really sweet. So, I took her up on it and went to play video games on the couch.” Bill explains flatly. “And when she started banging stuff and I asked what was wrong, she just said ‘nothing’. So I thought she was just frustrated with a recipe or something.”

“You didn’t think to get up and check in with her a little more proactively?” Ali tries to lead him a bit.

“No.” Bill says and then lets out a sigh. “That’s not really true I guess. It’s just that she’s been doing this whole thing lately where she tells me one thing and then holds it against me later even if I didn’t ask for it. And I kinda knew that’s what was happening, so I was pissed off about it and purposely ignored it.”

“Ok, that’s understandable.” Ali looks at Lynn. “Lynn, why did you tell him he could relax when you actually wanted him to spend time with you?”

“Well, I get that he’s tired. And I really do feel bad and I want to support him.” Lynn divulges. “Sometimes I feel guilty asking him to do extra things when I know he’s wiped out. So, I just kind of hope that he’ll want to do them without me asking.”

“And why did you tell him nothing was wrong when he asked you?” Ali presses her.

“Cause I knew he knew I was mad and that he was purposely ignoring it. So, I got even more pissed off and didn’t want to let him off the hook.” Lynn admits. “I know that’s petty, but it sucks when your own husband can’t make the effort to do something nice when you’re upset.”

“Let’s not diminish feelings by labeling them as ‘petty’. You have every right to feel how you feel. And he does too. You may disagree with each other, but don’t forget that both of your feelings are valid and that you don’t get to tell the other person how they should feel, right?” Ali reminds them and gets nods of agreement.

“Part of what seems to be happening here is that you’re struggling to communicate your needs to each other and just expecting the other to guess them. To be very honest, it’s not a healthy way to connect and often leads to disagreements. It’s like asking a waiter to guess your order and then being upset when they don’t get it right.” Ali explains to them in simple terms. “You know by now that I’m a big proponent of being vocal in the bedroom, but that also extends to all parts of life. That is especially true when you’re tired or exhausted and it feels like too much effort to communicate. This is exactly when you should be making an extra effort to communicate even if it feels like a lot.”

“Yeah, ok.” Bill nods and looks at Lynn who gives him a tight smile.

“Here’s what I’m going to suggest you work on these next couple weeks. Lynn, you’re going to tell Bill very explicitly when you want to go out or spend time together. And when I say explicit, I mean give him details of what exactly you want to do or where you want to go. Discuss those plans with him verbally rather than just planning them in your mind.” Ali tells her. “You telling him what you want doesn’t mean him acting on it isn’t genuine. See it as a way that you can be helping to support him right now.”

“Ok, I can do that.” Lynn agrees.

“And Bill, you’re going to be very honest about your ability to participate in those plans. If you can find it in you to go out and spend time together, then make every effort to actually do it. On the flip side, if you really are tired and feel like you truly can’t, then be honest with Lynn about how you’re feeling. Maybe you can suggest alternative options that you two can compromise on. That way Lynn can trust you to tell her when you really are too tired and she doesn’t have to feel bad about asking or be guessing when you need to rest. Can you do that?” Ali checks with him.

“Definitely.” Bill confirms.

“Perfect. So, let’s commit to those steps and we’ll meet in two weeks to see how it went, ok?” Ali brings the session to a close and gets a final nod and thanks from both of them before they head out.

“Well that was fun.” Ali slumps in her chair and lets out a long breath, her head pretty much throbbing after that screaming match she just sat through. And this was after two morning sessions where her clients pretty much sobbed the whole time as they recounted Thanksgiving drama with their spouses and families. Usually the sessions right after holidays tend to be the most challenging.

As much as she wants to do nothing but go home right now, she knows she’ll actually finish off her to-do list if she stays in the office just a bit longer. She grabs a seltzer from her mini fridge and plops down at her desk, quickly typing up the client notes from this last session.

Last on her list is to send Heather an email. After Kyle spent most of Saturday grilling her about Friday night with Ashlyn and then Syd did the same to the extent that she could over text on Sunday, it dawned on her that Heather would be home in just a couple of weeks and nowhere near caught up. Although she had sent her a pretty vague email update when she first started working with Ashlyn, things have certainly escalated since then. She figures it’ll be a lot easier a couple weeks from now if Heather is filled in to the extent that Kyle and Syd are, especially since she has no idea how she’ll be feeling by that point with having wrapped things up. As much as she can’t wait to hear about Heather’s time in Africa, she’s pretty sure she’s going to need her best friend more than ever. In fact, it couldn’t be better timing that her tried and true people will all be here for the holidays when she’ll be trying to mend what’s bound to be one hell of a broken heart.

It takes her about 40 minutes to type everything she wants to, but she finally sends the email off to Heather with satisfaction that she actually got it done. She’s just about to grab her coat when her phone rings, the caller ID showing that it’s Nancy Merriman. She assumes Ashlyn must have checked in with Nancy and mentioned that they were getting close to ending sessions together.

Ali let’s out a sigh, quickly debating whether or not she wants to deal with a check-in call right now when she just wants to go home. She knows she’ll feel too guilty not calling Nancy back tonight, and if she ignores the call now, she’ll just have to deal with it later. “Ugh, well why the hell not.” She groans at her long day and opts to answer it.

\---

“Hi, this is Ali.” She answers as usual.

“Hi Ali, it’s Nancy. I was wondering if you had a minute so that I could run something by you.” Nancy greets her and gets right down to business.

“Yeah, of course. What’s up, Nance?” Ali asks curiously. If this had been to do with Ashlyn, the woman would have told her that already.

“I have a 46-year old female client at the moment that I’m only about a year into working with. The main issue is trouble achieving orgasm due to performance related anxiety. Normally, I would just keep at this in routine therapy, but it’s become very clear to me that the only real barrier left for her is just that she doesn’t trust that her progress in therapy is going to translate into a physical reality. I think the best solution might be just having two or three sessions with a very patient surrogate so she can see for herself that’s she’s actually made progress.” Nancy explains and keeps right on going.

“Anyway, I haven’t mentioned it to her yet and I don’t want to until I have someone lined up for her. I thought this might be an ideal one for you since it’s a short and less involved case in terms of time commitment, especially with you coming off a lengthier and more involved situation with Ashlyn. And I know you’re still working with Ashlyn and only take one person at a time. So, that’s why I am calling. I wanted to check in to see if first you would consider something shorter like this, and if so, when I should mention it to her in terms of where you are with Ashlyn. I don’t want to jump the gun and then have her waiting on the whole thing. Thoughts?” Nancy lays it all out.

“Well, I definitely appreciate that you thought of me. And normally, I’d absolutely consider taking it on. But Nance, I’m actually not taking on any more surrogate clients.” Ali tells her frankly.

“Oh, ok. Wait, do you mean as in right now? Or not taking any more ever?” Nancy asks in surprise.

“Ever.” Ali says simply. “Sorry, I haven’t exactly told anyone in the professional realm yet.”

“That’s ok. Just, wow.” Nancy tries to find the words. “Can I ask…well…did something happen? Something with Ashlyn or someone else?”

“No, no!” Ali speaks up right away. “Not at all. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while and mulling over. I had actually pretty much decided I was going to step away from surrogacy when you called me to refer Ashlyn. And I just found myself drawn back in. Gotta say, you threw me a real whopper to close things out.”

“I don’t even know what to say. I’m kind of stunned.” Nancy freely admits. “I mean, you’re so good at it and you’ve been so passionate about it for several years.”

“Trust me, it hasn’t been any easy decision process.” Ali replies. “I really love what I do and it’s not like it was getting boring or anything. It’s more that surrogates tend to either do it on a relatively short-term basis or they’re for-lifers. I feel like I’m at the point where it’s time to decide which one I’m going to be, especially because being a surrogate is taking away from me being able to properly connect with people in my personal life.”

“Right, and the for-lifers are almost all single and/or childless with a few exceptions where they have open relationships that are far from the norm.” Nancy finishes the thought for her.

“Yeah. That’s not exactly what I have in mind for myself.” Ali confirms. “So, I think it’s a good time to move on and focus back on my routine practice and challenge myself to use all that surrogate insight in a hands-off way.”

“I’m really happy for you.” Nancy says sweetly. “And I’m also really bummed. You’re undeniable the best surrogate out there on top of being an amazing therapist.” She adds more candidly.

“Thanks. Think we both know you played a huge role in helping me spark the whole thing.” Ali says meaningfully.

“Please, I did nothing but put you near the start line. You’ve been running the race all on your own from the very beginning.” Nancy shrugs it off.

“Hey Nance, can I ask you something?” Ali says softly.

“Of course.” Nancy quickly replies.

“Do you think my Mom would ever have been a surrogate?” Ali throws out the question before she can convince herself not to.

“Deb, a surrogate? I don’t see any way in which that happens.” Nancy states matter-of-factly.

“Me either. Why not though?” Ali wonders.

“For starters, she loved your Dad too much.” Nancy pauses for a second. “Not in the sense that she wouldn’t have been able to separate her personal and professional relationships, because she would have. She would just never do anything to jeopardize what she had with your father. He was her balance in every way.”

“Keep going.” Ali presses her.

“Well, as therapists we all know that we’re people who naturally tend to give a lot of ourselves with little-to-no return. And we’re okay with that and can thrive like that.” Nancy explains and hears Ali hum in agreement. “Deb was a give-it-all kind of person even more than most. She gave everything to her career even though it never gave back what she put in. But your Dad, he was the one thing in her life that gave back what she put in. He cared for and loved her with the same intensity she did him. She needed that balance. We all do I think.”

“Yeah, I’ve come to that realization lately.” Ali says meaningfully, her mind going right to Ashlyn with her inquisitive hazel eyes, her never-ending questions, her genuinely caring and loving heart. The woman had wanted to learn her from the start, in every way and with such open curiosity as if she was the most important person in the world. It was as if Ashlyn had come to her with no other motive but to understand and cherish her.

Nancy hears Ali’s change of tone, but continues. “So, I think that would be a big part of why she’d never be a surrogate. But also, I knew your mother from the very start of her career and I watched her grow into one of the absolute best. And still, I’ve never met another therapist with as much combined empathy and self-awareness as you. You’re intelligent, sensitive, selfless, and you have a deep sense of compassion that few people could ever achieve. Simply put, you’re a better therapist than she was, Alex.” She drives home the point by using the very personal nickname.

Ali gives herself a few seconds, wiping the tear running down her cheek. “It’s hard for me to see it that way, but I appreciate your perspective. I’ve been thinking a lot about what she would be doing if she was in my position, and it’s been difficult to find the answer. I just… thank you. I needed to hear that.” She says gratefully.

“Anytime, you know that.” Nancy replies warmly. “Can I ask a question now?”

“Yeah, of course.” Ali answers.

“How much of this deep thinking has to do with Ashlyn?” Nancy questions knowingly.

“Are you asking in professional capacity or a personal one?” Ali clarifies immediately.

“Think we both know we’re in personal conversation mode here. No shrink talk. I’m just Nancy Fancy Pants right now.” Nancy laughs at the nickname Ali and Kyle used to call her as kids.

“Can’t even remember the last time I called you that!” Ali giggles in reply before getting serious. “It’s a combo of where I am with Ashlyn and then it was also just Thanksgiving. You know how the holidays are.”

“I do. I think about her more around holidays too.” Nancy admits.

“I just found myself questioning what she would do in my shoes and then that led to me trying to even picture her in my shoes…which I couldn’t.” Ali elaborates.

“And what’s going on in your shoes exactly?” Nancy probes.

“Not that I really have to say this because you already know, but this is the first time I’ve fallen in love with a client.” Ali makes it completely clear.

“Well it was plain as day you were headed in that direction. I didn’t quite realize just how much of a first it would be for you though.” Nancy divulges. “And Ashlyn is…” She trails off purposely.

“In love with me too. We’ve been very open about it together.” Ali finishes the statement.

“Just checking, but I knew that too.” Nancy says lightly.

“It happens to surrogates all the time obviously, but it hasn’t to me. So I kinda thought it never would, but here I am.” Ali tells her.

“Nothing that you can compare it to in your therapeutic experiences, surrogate or otherwise?” Nancy wonders.

“Nope, not even close.” Ali sighs before just putting it all on the table. “I haven’t fallen for someone or been this in love ever in my life, forget that she’s a client. I can’t even explain the connection I feel to her.”

“Ok yeah, that’s a lot to handle.” Nancy isn’t sure quite what to say other than naturally feeling worried for both of them. She trusts Ali implicitly as a therapist, but debates whether she should offer to be more involved in moderating this situation as Ashlyn’s therapist and the one who referred her. She wonders whether it would be easier for both of them if she was the one to assess the progress and suggest the start of the closing phase when Ali’s voice breaks her from her thoughts.

“Anyway, with the holiday and then only having a couple sessions left with Ashlyn now, it was just a lot the last few days and put me into deep thought mode.” Ali adds when Nancy doesn’t say much.

“Did you say that you only have a couple sessions left with Ashlyn?” Nancy isn’t sure she heard right.

“Yeah. I’m sure she’ll be in touch with you about it soon so she can set up her follow-up appointments with you. I actually thought that’s why you might be calling, but we just decided a couple days ago. So, you didn’t miss anything.” Ali reassures her, but is met with silence. “Nance?”

“Yeah, sorry. I guess I’m just surprised you’re wrapping up. I’ll shamefully admit I was thinking you two would have trouble closing things out. I knew Ashlyn would be trying to hang onto it, but also figured you might be more willing to oblige her in this case…not that I would blame you.” Nancy confesses.

“You know something, Nance, Ashlyn is the one who decided on and set the timeline.” Ali informs her with a smile on her face.

“Really? Wow.” Nancy can’t hold back her surprise.

“Really. She’s come so far and just seeing her in this healthier place even with the difficult reality of our connection and the fear of losing it…I feel so damn proud despite the impending heartbreak.” Ali gushes a bit.

“Geez, I mean it’s not like I didn’t just hear you talk about the the connection level and all, but this went incredibly deep didn’t it?” Nancy can really catch it now, the sheer joy in Ali’s voice about Ashlyn.

“It really did. Like I said, you threw me a real whopper.” Ali laughs. “I couldn’t be more grateful though. As hard as this will be, it has been amazing in so many ways and I wouldn’t trade my time with her for anything. To be able to find her path together and then also find each other along the way, it meant more than I can say.”

“Are you going to be ok?” Nancy asks compassionately. “With wrapping it up? And also with putting your surrogacy to a close? It’s a lot all at once.”

“It’s going to be one of my greatest challenges to date and probably a mess, but I’ll find my way. I always seem to somehow.” Ali says as confidently as she can.

“I’m really proud of you in every way, Alex. And more importantly, your Mom would be prouder than you could ever imagine. She always was. I hope you never forget that.” Nancy gets it out a bit emotionally.

“Thanks, Nance. Truly.” Ali says softly. “Do me a favor?”

“Name it.” Nancy replies easily.

“Take good care of Ashlyn. Make sure she’s ok.” Ali requests in a hopeful tone.

“I promise. You can hold me to that.” Nancy assures her wholeheartedly. “She means a lot to me as a client. There’s good reason I put her in your hands to begin with.”

“Thank you.” Ali replies squeakily and clears her throat. “I’m glad you called, even if I did turn you down.” She jokes. “Which reminds me… call Kristen McCarthy, I’ll email you her info tonight. I think she’ll be a perfect surrogate for the client you were talking about.”

“Glad I called too. You’re the best!” Nancy says cheerily at the referral. “Have a goodnight. And get in touch any time for Nancy Fancy Pants or just plain Nancy the shrink, I’m here either way.”

“Ha, thanks Fancy Pants. Goodnight!” Ali ends the call with a little laugh, her mood definitely lifted slightly for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many little things happening here!  
Any thoughts on who exactly Nancy is and what role she has played in Ali's life? Did you see that coming or have a sense that she was more than Ash's routine therapist before this?  
Feelings about Pinoe's ring shopping plan?  
Ideas about what this "new baby" project might be?  
Other thoughts? Hit me with all of it! :-)


	34. More Right (Session 15-Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here begins Session 15 where things get intense in a two-part way, so this session will be two chapters! These ladies are all in now, here we go...  
As always, hit me with all those thoughts in the comments and have a great week :-)

Session 15 (Part 1) – More Right

“Ok…ok.” Ashlyn surveys her bedroom to make sure it’s the atmosphere she wants. Tranquil, but still enticing. The blinds are up just enough to provide privacy, but also allow a view of the city sky which will be darkening within the hour. The only other lighting is just the dim warm glow from the electric fireplace above the bed and the handful of candles she just lit around the room. The record player is ready with their album, fresh towels and robes in the bathroom with a glimmer of hope for the finishing touch she envisions. The less she has to think about anything in the moment itself, the better.

She’s never tried so hard for something that has more chance to of being a complete disaster than it does a triumph. Her rational mind fights her every step of the way, endlessly questioning why she even feels the need to put herself through this. Still, she presses forward relying on just the feeling in her gut. The same one that she built a business empire on… that single moment of now or never where she always chooses now with her entire being and trusts instinct over fear.

_Doesn’t matter, you can completely fall apart with her and still be ok. You’ll be with her and the rest doesn’t matter. _She reminds herself one last time and heads into her closet to pick out something to wear. She keeps it simple, pulling slim black joggers over her boxer briefs which feature a lion design and choosing a plain gray cutoff shirt to go with it. It doesn’t take her long to quickly re-style her hair and freshen up the light makeup she has on before she heads downstairs.

With about 20 minutes to go before Ali gets here, she sits on the couch and takes stock of herself, not knowing what to think as she sorts through her emotions. This isn’t at all how she expected to feel. The anticipation right now is maximum level, but not in an anxious way. She’s actually not nervous at all, just a strange mix of happy, eager, and flat out impatient for Ali to arrive. She’s always excited to see the brunette, but ever since Friday night it’s an ever growing desire to be in her presence, to be close to the woman in every way possible. It’s a million miles away from the fearful and timid mess she expected to be at the edge of this cliff that she never even imagined she would so much as put herself near. Whether that’s good or not remains to be seen.

\----

She’s still three blocks away, but Ali’s heart starts pounding as soon as she rounds the corner and Ashlyn’s building comes into view. The thundering rhythm in her chest growing with every step closer. She can only smile at her own zeal after having spent the last few days missing the short-haired woman terribly.

_God Ali, get yourself in check._ She’s never yearned for somebody like this, chomping at the bit when all she’s ever been is nothing short of patient and poised. But Friday night stirred something inside that she can’t even fully describe other than to call it a deep sense of ease and belonging. It felt like a way-finder got dropped on that bench with Ashlyn beside her, a marker for the realization of what she actually wants…a love that runs infinitely deep and boils white hot, one that is immeasurably secure and comfortable all the same.

What she wants has never seemed to matter before, but somehow it suddenly does even though it shouldn’t now more than ever. Still, no matter how right it feels, she can’t have it… absolutely can’t. Perhaps more bizarre is that it doesn’t even hurt like it should because all she can focus on is making every minute count with this amazing woman. That, and her job. She still has a job to do. Ashlyn still needs her and she won’t lose sight of that. Ashlyn first, and the rest come what may.

_Breathe. Make it count. Do your job. _The upward motion of the elevator makes her feel like her blood is pumping faster. Butterflies flutter wildly in her stomach and the door slides open, a single dimple and beautiful hazel right there waiting like always with a flood of orangey late-day sunlight behind her. _She really is an angel._

And then she’s being held snuggly in strong arms with Ashlyn’s nose buried in her hair, not even knowing how she got off the elevator. She squeezes Ashlyn back tightly and inhales deeply, immediately intoxicated by how good she smells. “I’m so happy you’re here, sweetheart.” Ashlyn’s sweet little drawl in her ear makes her skin erupt into goosebumps. She pulls back just slightly to meet those hazel eyes and sees the endless desire in them, knowing there’s no way her own aren’t reflecting the same. 

“Ash…I…” Ali tries to put together any of the million meaningful words swirling around in her brain, but she can barely breathe let alone think. Her chest is tight, aching in the best way for this woman in front of her even while an emotional lump forms in her throat at the enormity of it all. She moves her hand to hold Ashlyn’s face, running her softly thumb along that perfectly defined cheekbone as has become so commonplace now. “I just love you…I really do.” It comes out in a soft exhale of air that goes right into Ashlyn’s mouth as the woman captures her lips.

The kiss goes right to being deep, as if they’re picking up right where they left off on Friday night. It’s more instantly gratifying than anything she’s ever felt before, simultaneously quelling her aching craving for this woman while setting her body on fire. Ashlyn helps her get her coat off without breaking the kiss, discarding it onto the floor right beside them. Ali only notices her legs are shaky when the two of them are blindly moving around in search of somewhere to settle while they stayed latched onto each other.

Ali worries for a brief second that they’re gonna trip over a side table, but that concern goes right out the window when Ashlyn suddenly lifts her onto the kitchen island. The coolness of the granite countertop provides exactly the little jolt she needs to clear her mind enough to get her bearings. _Don’t float away, focus first. _She feels Ashlyn leave soft little pecks up neck and she brings her hand up behind the woman’s neck to pull her in for another kiss. This time she hones in on the pace and energy that she feels from Ashlyn, finding her to be a little more dominating of their kiss than she has been lately. That alone is enough to tell her that Ashlyn is trying to settle herself about something, just like she did in some of their earlier sessions.

“I really missed you, Alex.” Ashlyn pulls away just enough to mumble against Ali’s lips and feels the brunette’s hands come up to hold her face steady, their foreheads pressing together.

“Are you ok?” Ali asks gently, pausing the heated make out to check in.

“Promise.” Ashlyn nods slightly. “I just need you…I need to…” She trails off, not quite sure how to express the flood of emotions she’s feeling other than to let them physically manifest themselves. None of them are bad, but she needs some time to let herself wander through it all.

“I know, babe. I can feel you.” Ali assures her, making it clear that she can sense the underlying frenzy and the need to immerse themselves in it so they can eventually find some balance. “I’m here with you and you’re safe with me…and I’m safe with you. We’ll let everything run its course right now and find our way together. Just let it go…all of it.” She sets the tone for them and soothingly runs her hands along the tops of Ashlyn’s strong shoulders, watching the woman close her eyes.

Ashlyn nuzzles herself into Ali’s neck for a moment before moving her mouth close to her ear. “You mean everything to me…everything is yours today.” She whispers knowingly, softly kissing just below Ali’s ear and quickly making her way back to the brunette’s lips.

Ashlyn’s statement is mysterious, but Ali doesn’t let herself linger on it, knowing whatever it means will reveal itself eventually. Instead, she shuts of her naturally analytical mind with the understanding that therapy needs to wait today. She deepens their kiss and completely melts into it, doing exactly what she just told Ashlyn to do…let herself go.

\-----

“Mmmm.” Ashlyn moans softly into Ali’s mouth at the feel of warm hands working their way under the back of her shirt and spreading out across her skin. She steps further into the space between Ali’s legs, the brunette wrapping them around her hips and using the leverage to pull her in even closer. The edge of the counter is pressing into her lower belly and stopping her progress, so she leans in more with her upper body even as she finds the zipper on Ali’s tight fitting shirt.

“God…” Ali’s voice drops low as Ashlyn trails wet kisses along her newly revealed cleavage. She weaves her fingers through Ashlyn’s short hair and tugs her lower, groaning when the woman has nowhere else to go because the zipper ends midway down her shirt. “Just take it off.” She pleads, her desire for skin on skin even more off the chart than usual.

_Alex loves naked. _Ashlyn smiles against the brunette’s chest and leaves a few more kisses along the upper swell of her breast. It’s beyond clear that teasing isn’t on the wish list for either of them right now. She wastes no time pulling off Ali’s shirt, her fingers making quick work of the brunette’s bra clasp and sliding the straps down her arms. “So beautiful.” She kisses Ali’s lips really softly and then steps back to pull off her own shirt and bra, her pants and boxers also gone in one quick motion.

“Look at you…gorgeous.” Ali says reverently, eyes raking over Ashlyn’s body as the woman steps back into the space between her legs. She drags her fingertips down Ashlyn’s abs and looks up at her with a smirk. “Forget something?” She motions to her own pants.

“Getting there.” Ashlyn mumbles, already nipping at Ali’s neck again and swiftly making her way down her chest. “Mmm.” She can’t help but softly moan as she pulls a dark pink nipple between her lips and runs her tongue over it. Hearing Ali’s sharp intake of breath is enough to bring a flood of moisture between her legs. After a few more gentle flicks, she moves to the other nipple while simultaneously working to get Ali’s pants off.

“I love the way you touch me.” Ali’s exhales in a breathy whisper as her jeans come undone. She lifts her butt as best she can and feels her pants start sliding down her thighs along with her panties. Her eyes are glued to Ashlyn feasting on her chest, taking in the woman’s full lips, her angular jaw, the way her cheeks slightly hollow when she sucks her nipple, her perfectly straight albeit small nose. _Every detail handsome and beautiful. And hot…she’s so fucking hot. _She whines slightly at Ashlyn’s mouth coming off her nipple with a little popping sound, but it’s replaced soon enough with kisses up her thighs as the last shreds of her clothes hit the floor.

“Love you.” Ashlyn mutters in between sloppy kisses. She’s fully leaned into the counter and Ali’s back is arched forward to press their chests together as closely as possible; the brunette’s hands feel like they’re all over her._ You feel it like I do, beautiful. _Normally she’s the one bursting with anticipation and Ali is endlessly passionate-but-collected. Not today. This time the brunette is just as uninhibited, the sense of urgency fully matched and flowing freely between the two of them. _I want you more than anything in the world too, Alex. _

Ali struggles to sit completely upright as Ashlyn kisses down her stomach, her ab muscles already tight and trembling slightly under the woman’s touch. She reluctantly takes a hand from where she is holding Ashlyn’s shoulder and uses it to support herself on the counter so she can lean back a bit. Her mind wanders briefly to the only other two times she has attempted this.

The first had been with Brian on the kitchen counter of their old college apartment. After failing to get any kind of rhythm going with the angle being wrong, they had ended up on the nearby couch after a few minutes. The second had been just a couple years ago with a woman named Trina, a brief hot-and-heavy but emotionally-shallow relationship. The only memorable part being that they were both so tipsy that she had fallen off the counter and ended up finishing on the uncomfortable tile floor. Both attempts had been less than good to the say the least.

_Third time is the charm. _Ali can only marvel at how, just like everything else with Ashlyn, this so different. It’s completely opposite of the prior two experiences and she couldn’t be more turned on right now if she tried. This is exactly the kind of whirlwind erotic sex that she has spent countless hours warning her clients never to expect because it’s not reality. And yet, here she is spread open on the kitchen counter, body on fire, dripping wet, an orgasm already building even though the gorgeous woman trailing down her body has barely even touched her yet. _Want you_…real and pure want with infinite affection behind it, that’s the difference_. I’ve never wanted anyone like I do you, with my body and with my heart._

Ali can’t help but be amused at the thought of it all, but the giggle forming in her throat dies right there with the first broad swipe of Ashlyn’s tongue through her folds. “Ash…oh my fucking god.” Her hand moves from Ashlyn’s neck and tightly fists into the woman’s short hair, holding on for dear life for the few minutes that it takes before she’s convulsing against the counter and leaving a wet mess on it.

Despite the fast and furious orgasm, Ali’s center aches for more. Ashlyn’s tongue is still licking lazily along her inner lips, occasionally dipping shallowly into her entrance to collect the wetness spilled for her. “Ashlyn…” She whimpers, but can’t say more while still trying to catch her breath. Not that she even knows exactly what to ask for. She’s torn between desperately wanting to kiss this woman and having that amazingly warm tongue go back to swirling deep inside her.

_I’ve got you, baby. I’d have you always if I could. _Ashlyn doesn’t overlook that the brunette’s thighs are still firmly holding her head in place even though the rest of her body has relaxed a bit after that orgasm. Ali’s fingers are tightly entwined in her hair, alternating between gently tugging upward and inward as if the brunette is undecided. _How about both, beautiful?_

Ashlyn indulges herself in another couple gentle licks through the brunette’s slit and then works back up her body. She kisses Ali hungrily, feeling the woman pull her in closer and sigh contently into her mouth. She breaks away after a minute and moves close to Ali’s ear. “Nobody says my name like you do, sweetheart. Nobody.” She husks and gently sucks her earlobe into her mouth. “Could spend forever with you and never get enough. Say my name again, Alex.” She doesn’t wait for the request to be fulfilled, kissing Ali deeply as she moves the pad of her thumb to rub feather light circles on the brunette’s clit.

“Mmmmm!” Ali empties a loud moan into the tongue dueling kiss, pulling away only because she’s breathing heavy again already. She rewraps her legs around Ashlyn’s hips, arms going around the woman’s shoulders and pulling her in as close as she can. “Ashlyn…never enough of you…Ash...Ashlyn.” She buries her face into side of Ashlyn’s neck, her hips squirming under the pressure on her clit. The friction increases for a few seconds before Ashlyn suddenly drops down between her legs once more, the pleasure created by the strong tongue plunging deep inside makes her ass lift off the counter.

Ashlyn anticipates the movement, curling her arms under Ali’s thighs and pulling the brunette towards her face. “You taste so damn good, baby.” She mumbles and can actually feel the quiver travel through Ali’s leg muscles at the vibration created by her voice.

“Oh…oh my fucking god!” Ali yells loudly and forces herself to open her eyes so she can watch Ashlyn devour her. The second she looks down, darkened hazel eyes find her own, the woman bobbing industriously between her legs. The sight is enough to make everything start to clench in pleasure, the coil tightening deep in her belly is starting to release again way faster than she expected. Ashlyn moans loudly against her again and Ali’s head spins, her hands gripping the edge of counter tightly as her body succumbs to the climax for the second time.

“I love you.” Ali hears the words whispered in her ear a couple times before she feels like she’s floating through the air. _Fuck, I’m so far gone. _She works to breathe against Ashlyn’s chest, simultaneously trying to make sense of the lightness she feels in her body. “Mmhmm.” She lets out a little happy hum when she feels the soft fabric of Ashlyn’s couch against her back, realizing she was just carried across the room in the strong arms that are still holding her securely. Her eyes stay closed while she relishes in the large hands now soothingly running up and down her back, but she eventually opens them to find a fiery gaze which signals that Ashlyn isn’t nearly done with her yet. _I’m taking you with me this time, gorgeous._

Ashlyn grunts in surprise when Ali suddenly rolls on top of her and kisses her passionately, the brunette’s thigh already wedged between her legs and creating amazing friction. She can’t ignore the pulsating of her own center any longer, her hands going right to the Ali’s perfect ass and pulling her in tighter. She spreads the brunette’s butt cheeks a bit so Ali’s clit can get flush against her own thigh, the two of them sliding together in rhythm. “Alex, god you feel good.”

“You’re so wet…so damn hot.” Ali mumbles against Ashlyn’s pulse point, the pleasured ache between her legs already growing again.

“I get wet just looking at you.” Ashlyn rasps back, hand going to the back of Ali’s neck so she can run her fingertips along the brunette’s sweet spot.

“Mmmm, babe.” Ali tilts her head back a bit at the sensation. “Well I’m gonna come again just looking at you.” She counters as her eyes look down to find Ashlyn’s.

“Good, keep looking at me then. Never seen anything more beautiful than you, especially when you’re coming for me.” Ashlyn quickly rolls them onto their sides, smoothly sliding her hand down along Ali’s inner thigh before bringing it up to brush against her folds.

“Oh I’m gonna look at you, Ash. Gonna watch your lips form my name over and over again. Gonna watch your eyes shine and your body shake while you fall apart on my fingers.” Ali trails her own hand down to lightly scratch through the well-trimmed patch of dark curls on Ashlyn’s mound with her fingertips.

“Fuck, Al. I want you inside me so badly, want to be inside you even more.” Ashlyn kisses the brunette heatedly. “God baby, I’m yours.”

“And I’m yours. Keep your eyes on me…together, gorgeous.” Ali spreads Ashlyn’s wetness with her fingers and starts rubbing gentle little circles on her clit, feeling the woman do the same to her and opening her legs a bit wider to give her more room. “You feel amazing.”

“Mmmmmgod…holy fuck.” Ashlyn moans loudly, hot energy shooting through every nerve ending in her body and finding its way right to the swollen bud that Ali’s finger is stroking more firmly now. “Oh Al, oh my god. I can’t…much longer…” She fights to keep her eyes on fervent whiskey, trying hard to convey that she’s too worked up and won’t last long with the direct pressure on her clit like this.

“Me either.” Ali knows she won’t last long this way herself. “Show me this time…show me exactly what you want, Ashlyn.” It’s mere seconds before one of Ashlyn’s fingers slips inside her and bottoms out. She buries herself into the woman’s neck for a second, muffling her own loud moan before collecting herself enough to follow suit and sinking a finger into Ashlyn’s heat. “Mmmm, so hot and open for me.” She whispers into Ashlyn’s ear, ever thrilled at the fact that she’s able to slide right inside the woman without meeting any tightness or resistance from those once temperamental pelvic muscles.

“Alex…” Ashlyn breathes out, her free hand finding purchase on the brunette’s back at the feel of Ali buried knuckle deep. “You feel so good…so fucking good.” She captures Ali’s lips, kissing her passionately for as long as she can manage to go without air. She can’t get enough of the way Ali’s loud moans vibrate into her mouth, the way the brunette’s tongue probes more deeply every time her finger pushes inside the woman. Ashlyn drapes her leg over Ali’s hips and gyrates into her hand the way Ali is doing to her, the two of them in perfect unison now and fitted tightly together like they’re a single moving body.

_Never in my life, no one like her. _Ali finds herself so wrapped up in Ashlyn, not even able kiss the woman properly anymore and just panting against her open mouth. “Love you…god, I love you and how you feel on my body.” She barely manages through gasping breaths.

“Love you too.” Ashlyn decreases the pace and pulls back to find Ali’s eyes. She feels Ali slow down too and change to the same deliberate and deep strokes, only now realizing that the brunette is mimicking her every movement. _Show you what I want, of course…you’re perfect. _She makes sure she holds Ali’s gaze as she presses another finger into her. She watches the woman’s mouth form an o-shape for just a moment before her own mouth does the same thing, her entrance easily accommodating Ali’s second finger. “Al…oh mmmgod…” Her hips fall back into quick rhythm against the brunette’s and she can’t get any other words out for a minute, just deep grunts blended into moans.

“Yes Ash… mmmm, yes!” Ali screams loud enough that it echoes through the open room. Ashlyn is pumping into her steadily and pressing firmly against her walls in the perfect spot every time she bottoms out. Ashlyn’s entrance is clenching around her fingers now as they clutch each other tightly. She tries hard to keep her eyes open and watches a bead of sweat roll down Ashlyn’s forehead, catching it with her lips as it reaches the woman’s cheek.

“You’re so beautiful.” Ashlyn stays focused on Ali’s face, but finds herself slipping into tunnel vision as her muscles tighten and start to shake. “So good…so…fuck, I’m gonna…” She tries to stay the course, but the amazing fullness and pressure created by the brunette tracing her walls is building fast and won’t be denied. She curls more firmly inside Ali, the tightness around her own fingers signaling that she’s not alone in her climb to the top.

“Close… god, right in that spot…right uhhnnn…please don’t stop.” Ali bites her bottom lip hard. “Almost…with me, so fucking close.” Ashlyn is literally throbbing around her fingers, the woman’s face flushed from trying hard to wait for her. They both desperately want to let go together and Ali tries to slow her thrusts into Ashlyn even as the woman pumps faster and harder into her.

“Al!” Ashlyn yells out in warning, not able to hold out any longer as everything spasms in pleasure. She buries herself into Ali’s neck and bites lightly on the woman’s pulse point, her mind dizzy and barely focused enough to move her thumb to Ali’s clit.

“Ash!” Ali’s toes curl and her whole body shakes against Ashlyn’s, her hips wildly writhing into the woman’s fingers as the orgasm hits her like a freight train. Her eyes shut tight as she rides it out, her muscles feeling heavy in the best way as they slowly start to loosen up. “Oh wow…oh my god.” She tries to catch her breath, whimpering when she feels Ashlyn’s fingers slip out and the woman’s knuckles start to so gently drag along her folds a usual.

Ashlyn eventually lets out a satisfied sigh before opening her eyes and looking down. “You’re right, that does feel really damn good.” She softly chuckles at Ali mimicking what she is doing with her knuckles.

“Told you.” Ali eventually rolls them slightly so Ashlyn is on her back, letting her body half drape over the woman and resting her head on her chest. She wipes her soaked fingers on her own hip and finds Ashlyn’s hand between her legs, stilling it and entwining it with her own. “That was… just incredible, so fucking incredible. I can’t even tell you how much…” She trails off because she can’t find the words.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” Ashlyn smiles and kisses Ali’s sweaty forehead. “It’s always incredible with you…somehow more amazing every damn time.”

“I’m gonna just be flat out crude and say that I have never been fucked so good in my life like I have been with you. Christ, I’m still shaking a little.” Ali admits with a little giggle.

“Understatement of the year, but same.” Ashlyn releases a content little hum and kisses Ali’s forehead again.

“I really missed you too, angel.” Ali finally returns Ashlyn’s earlier sentiment, and tilts her head up to kiss the woman romantically.

“Ya think?” Ashlyn snickers, her heart feeling so full when Ali’s jubilant laugh fills the room. _That laugh is my whole world. _They settle into a comfortable quiet once the laughing subsides, legs tangled together and hands soothingly moving along each other’s skin as they fully come down from the high.

\----

“You’re like breathing by the ocean.” Ashlyn breaks the silence, her hand lightly squeezing Ali’s hip where it’s resting.

“Hmm?” Ali opens her eyes and nuzzles her nose gently into the side of Ashlyn’s face even as she waits for more on the sudden statement.

“It hit me Friday night while I walked the rest of the way home without you.” Ashlyn explains. “Overall, things are good, you know? Like my life is good and right for the most part…not near perfect, but still in a satisfying place. But then when I’m with you, things are more right. Things are pretty great, but when you’re there with me something just settles into an even better great…as if suddenly everything is right even though nothing was really wrong before that. I’m rambling.”

“No, you’re not.” Ali lifts her head and kisses those soft pillowy lips. “I understand…I feel that completely.” She watches the smile stretch across Ashlyn’s face and then rests her head back down. “What does that have to do with the ocean?” She wonders.

“Oh, right. It’s the same as breathing by the ocean. You breathe perfectly well every single day, automatically without even thinking about it really. But then you get to the beach…and you inhale that amazingly fresh and salty air, and it’s just immeasurably better for some reason that you can’t quite fully grasp. You just breathe in deep and you know that breathing there is just so much better than breathing anywhere else even if it’s technically the same.” Ashlyn elucidates and turns to find Ali’s eyes. “You’re exactly like that.”

Ali leans in for a slow sweet kiss because she doesn’t know how to respond right away, eventually pulling back enough to take Ashlyn’s hand and press the woman’s palm flat against the center of her chest. “You feel that?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn whispers, feeling the wild drumming beat under her hand.

“Good.” Ali smiles. “You never fail to do that to my heart, never. And my world will never look the same because of that.”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn questions, not sure if the sentiment is a good thing even though Ali is smiling.

“You’re not the only one who had a deep realization Friday night on the walk home.” Ali keeps holding Ashlyn’s hand against her chest even as she settles her head back down and keeps talking. “Before I ever really dated anyone, I had these really naive ideals for a good relationship. Probably like everyone does. All those things that we envision would make the perfect connection to another person… deep love and easy friendship, comfort and understanding, intensely erotic sex where you can never get enough of the person, the unstoppable whirlwind of it all…and all of that somehow never fading away over time. I mean, that’s the short list, but you know what I mean, right?”

“I do.” Ashlyn nods.

“And then you experience real relationships. And then also doing what I do for a living and hearing about so many other people’s relationships…” Ali thinks about how to word it for a second. “It just becomes clear really fast that none of that is quite the reality. That all those things are pretty lofty and you’re lucky if you get even one of them, and even that only comes after you’ve put in the hard work to communicate with each other.” She explains as best she can. “It changes your mindset. I mean, I’ve now spent a career helping other people temper those impossible standards into more realistic expectations that they can actually meet in a healthy way. That there’s a difference between exactly what you want and what you can actually get.”

“Definitely.” Ashlyn agrees.

“And then there’s you.” Ali lets go of Ashlyn’s hand and reaches up to hold her face. “You walk into my life and somehow you’re all of those lofty impossible things in such a real way that isn’t a fantasy. Not perfect in the true sense of the word, but perfect in the real sense. And not exactly how I once dreamed them, but in a way that actually works. It not only reopens the door on all those things I’ve always wanted and just shut away, but it also shows me they’re possible in a way that is true to life. It changes everything… colors everything I thought I knew about love, physical connection, and relationships. It alters the way I see the world. It makes me want to redo every single personal and professional conversation I’ve ever had all over again. And I can’t do that obviously, but I know I can start fresh with better perspective.”

“Is that good?” Ashlyn asks, still not fully sure.

“It’s wonderful.” Ali leaves a gentle kiss on her lips. “As wonderful as you are Ashlyn Harris…and that’s as wonderful as it gets, trust me.”

“I always trust you.” Ashlyn smiles against Ali’s mouth and kisses her again.

“Perfect cue.” Ali presses their foreheads together. “Trust me with what’s really on your mind today…”

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any ideas on what is going on with Ash?   
Next chapter is double the size of this one :-)


	35. Stay Behind (Session 15-Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's recap on the two mindsets we have here before we get to Part 2 of Session 15. Ashlyn has decided to give Ali her whole self, but also protect her heart by bringing this to an end before she can get so hurt that she doesn't recover. Ali has gone all in here in a way she never has, but is still committed to sticking to whatever professional boundaries she can all while helping Ashlyn stays her main focus above all else. And now that we're mentally prepped, let's go!
> 
> I have surgery this week and I've written through chapter 37. So you'll have a couple more Sunday chapter posts before there will likely be a bit of a delay. Not sure how recovery will be and when I'll be able to get back to writing, but I'll keep you posted when I can.
> 
> I also may not get to respond to all your comments, but of course love to read them! So, let me know what you're thinking along the way :-)

Session 15 (Part 2) – Stay Behind

_“It’s wonderful.” Ali leaves a gentle kiss on her lips. “As wonderful as you are Ashlyn Harris…and that’s as wonderful as it gets, trust me.”_

_“I always trust you.” Ashlyn smiles against Ali’s mouth and kisses her again. _

_“Perfect cue.” Ali presses their foreheads together. “Trust me with what’s really on your mind today…”_

_Continuation…_

“It has been on my mind a lot longer than today, but I think it’s finally coming together in a way that I’m understanding it better. Or maybe just greater insight, something like that.” Ashlyn adjusts her arm around Ali’s shoulders and holds her close feeling the brunette rest her head back down on her chest. It signals to her that Ali is settling in to listen carefully, but doing so in a comfortable way that makes her feel like she won’t be rushed, as if the brunette has all the time in the world for her. Ali’s body language is always so genuine and calming, something she couldn’t appreciate more about this woman.

“A few weeks ago, when we were working through the issue of guilty feelings I was having over Sloane…you told me that you could see how I had found a way to come to peace with my childhood trauma. You figured out that my way of coping with the aftermath of my Dad and feeling safe in vulnerable situations has been to sort of master my environment by making sure I stayed dialed-in and empowered as much as I can. Do you remember that?” Ashlyn begins there.

“Of course.” Ali nods, her arm comfortably around Ashlyn’s waist with her hand softly stroking the woman’s forearm in a way that is soothing but not distracting to their conversation.

“You really nailed that. It resonated the minute you said it. And of course I already know I cope that way, but I guess it really struck me on a more conscious level and I’ve been thinking about it more deeply.” Ashlyn does her best to explain. “Back when I was recovering right after it happened, I had some relatively minor PTSD issues like I told you. Mostly it was just nightmares, but there was the occasional flashback too. Nothing where I would lose grip on reality at all, more like sensory memories or zoning out. Anyway, I was working with a child psychologist at the time whose approach was to undercover any triggers and learn to evade them in some way. I guess that’s probably pretty standard.”

“Yeah, that’s the general approach with most cases.” Ali confirms.

“The obvious triggers were feeling like I was tied down or unable to move my hands and feeling unexpected touches on my back. We also figured out along the way that I’m generally uncomfortable with people behind me or where I can’t see them.” Ashlyn tells her even though she’s mentioned it before. “Overcoming that was really just me finding a way to feel in control of those things when I felt vulnerable and learning to avoid putting myself in those triggering situations. And after a while, once you actually learn to do that, it becomes routine. Pretty much just ingrained as a part of who you are, you know?”

Ali nods and continues to quietly listen.

“I think I also told you once that being physically fit was something that makes me feel safe. That was part of overcoming those issues, feeling and seeing that I am physically strong…better able to free myself if I find myself trapped.” Ashlyn elucidates. “And then being really dialed-in too. There’s actually never a moment where I fully let go. I’m always present enough to make absolute sure of one thing when I’m in any situation where I might be vulnerable.”

“And what’s that?” Ali asks softly.

“To always keep people in front of me to every extent possible. I’m okay now in everyday situations and around people I know, but still it’s pretty much automatic when I don’t feel 100% comfortable. Like when I’m physically exposed at all, I’m always honed in on making sure whoever I’m with is not behind me unexpectedly or in a position to get behind me.” Ashlyn reveals. “Having sex is always one of those situations. I’m never able to fully get wrapped up in everything like other people can. I mean, I definitely love having sex and I really enjoy it, but there’s always a part of me that is dialed-in to my body position and my next move. And it’s so programmed that I don’t even know how to shut it off.”

Ali holds Ashlyn a little tighter and waits to see if she says any more.

“I just…I want that moment of fully letting go and getting caught up in nothing but the person I’m with. I want to know what it feels like to not worry on any level about what the other person is doing and not be scared of getting triggered. I can’t even imagine what it’s like, but I want it so badly.” Ashlyn lets out a long breath and tilts her head down to find Ali’s eyes. “Once. I don’t care of it’s just once that I experience it. Just attempting to put one solid stitch in that old wound would be life changing. I’ve never felt safer in my life than when I’m with you, Alex. You’re my one moment, my unbreakable stitch, I just know it.”

“I’ll sure try to be.” Ali replies positively, knowing that somehow they’ll find some way to work through this together. Still, she needs to be crystal clear on what it entails. “Spell it out for me, Ash. In your view of how this goes, what exactly does that mean for us today?”

“I honestly don’t know how it will play out for me. Will I get triggered? What’ll happen if I get triggered? Can I see it through? I have no idea about any of those things and that part is kind of terrifying. But I want to try with you. I just need to try.” Ashlyn says hopefully. “I want to you to come upstairs with me and do what you always do, love my body to perfection. But don’t let me put you in front of me at any point, stay behind me. Let me work through things if I have to and maybe help me if you can…just stay behind me so I can try to let go of all that fucking baggage for a few moments.”

“Well before I say anything else, thank you for being so open with me. You’re remarkable beyond words.” Ali says warmly, hands going to gently hold Ashlyn’s face like usual. “You can trust that I will always make sure you are safe and comfortable. Even if you slip into a bad place, I’ll get you back to where you are secure. I can promise you that much, even if I can’t ensure a positive or progressive outcome. We’ll work together no matter what.”

“I believe in that with all my heart. That’s why I know that this is my time to try.” Ashlyn replies easily.

“When you’re ready, we can head upstairs…but we’re not just going to wing it, ok?” Ali qualifies. “I’m going to need you to try your best to stay with me and listen carefully to what I’m telling you. We’re going to put some safeguards in place, the most important of which is to do all you can to keep talking to me along the way. Just like we’ve always done. Does that sound ok so far?”

“Totally.” Ashlyn nods. “I know better than to think you’d ever fly by the seat of your pants on anything.” She cracks a little laugh.

“Yeah not really my style.” Ali smiles and pinches Ashlyn’s cheek. “Besides, we’ll be flying blind enough just by the nature of this. No need to add any more adventure than we already have ahead of us.”

“I love you more than you could ever know, Al. Doesn’t matter what happens.” Ashlyn softly tangles her hand into Ali’s hair.

“I love you too. So much that I feel your hands as if they were my own, and so deeply that when you close your eyes, my world goes black too.” Ali kisses the woman tenderly, her lips moving slow enough to savor every second and make her every emotion known. Before she knows it, Ashlyn gets up and reaches down to entwine one of their hands before giving it a little tug.

“Come on, beautiful. Now or never.” Ashlyn grins at the stunning brunette that she knows deep in her soul was put on this planet to be her person, never more ready than now to walk down the daunting road ahead of her.

\------

Ali’s mind runs through the range of possibilities as Ashlyn leads her up the stairs and into the bedroom. She’s certainly worked through some PTSD issues with clients that have experienced trauma, but never has she been in a position where she might be the one to actively trigger an episode. It’ll be a tricky balance of achieving the point Ashlyn hopes to get to without tipping the scale to the point of reversing progress with an extreme reaction. _Be careful, be mindful. Help her let go without letting her get lost. You can do this._

Ali watches Ashlyn walk over to the record player and put on their music. She takes in the atmosphere, noting right away that the mood has been meticulously set with soft candle light and blinds part-way up. The extra glow of the electric fireplace above the bed ensures that the room is comfortably dim and not too dark. It’s clear that Ashlyn has thought this through, which is a really good thing. As the woman walks back towards her, Ali thinks it through one more time herself. Up until now, she has always made sure that Ashlyn is in control even when she was the one guiding things. As counterintuitive as it seems, that can’t happen this time. If Ashlyn takes any kind of control, it will completely undermine what the woman is trying to achieve here and get them nowhere. Rather, she knows she needs to be the one in complete command, confident and firm while simultaneously caring and gentle.

“You ready?” Ali softly holds Ashlyn’s face again as she checks in.

“As ready as I’m gonna get.” Ashlyn nods, her hands going to the brunette’s hips as she leans in for a kiss.

Ali doesn’t let the kiss linger long. The way Ashlyn holds her hips, the way she went in for that kiss…the woman is already slipping right into her usual control dynamic. She knows she needs to work fast to break through it right away. “Do you have a few handkerchiefs, or like bandanas or something similar? Four of them would be great.”

“Uh, yeah. Why?” Ashlyn looks befuddled even as she walks into her closet and grabs some bandanas.

“Perfect.” Ali takes two of them and leaves Ashlyn holding the other two for a minute, not answering the woman’s question just yet.

Ashlyn watches in confusion as Ali quickly ties a bandana around each of her lower thighs before looking up at her.

“Ok, now help me tie the other two on each of my wrists.” Ali instructs, motioning to the two bandanas still in Ashlyn’s hand.

Ashlyn quickly accomplishes the task, bringing one of Ali’s hands up to her mouth and kissing it before looking at the brunette for an explanation. “So what is this exactly?”

“This is our kill switch, our panic button, our failsafe.” Ali puts it clearly. “If at any point you don’t feel safe and need to stop, reach for any one of these and just give it a tug. I’ll stop in a heartbeat.” She assures her.

“Or I could just tell you to stop.” Ashlyn cracks a playful smile with a raised eyebrow, a bit amused at Ali’s seemingly overboard approach.

Ali smiles and sweetly entwines one of her hands with Ashlyn’s. “I want you to talk to me the whole way, as much as you can. But Ash, if you find yourself in a really tough moment…I’m not going to assume for even a fraction of a second that you’ll be able to use your voice. And if for some reason you can’t actually say it, you still hold all the power to shut things down. Like I said, find any one of these bandanas, give any kind of tug, and it’ll all stop. Ok?”

“Wow.” Ashlyn feels dumbfounded, never in her life being this understood and cared for by someone. She lets out a soft exhale and captures Ali’s lips softly, letting the kiss linger for a few seconds and eventually pulling back to look her lovingly.

“What?” Ali asks quietly, trying to figure out the adoring look on Ashlyn’s face when the woman should probably be feeling slightly more anxious at prospect of how intense this could get.

“I already felt so damn safe with you before these.” Ashlyn runs her fingers over one of the bandana’s on the brunette’s wrist. “And I was starting to making fun of you for being over-the-top…and then you said that…and now I just…you could actually hold my life in your hands and I’d never flinch.” She gets her thoughts out in choppy phrases, leaning in for another kiss. “You think of everything. You never fail to protect me. I couldn’t love you more for that. Lead me absolutely anywhere and I’ll follow you with an open heart and with no fear.”

“There’s no way I could ever think of every single thing, but I promise I’ll always do everything to protect you and not to lead you to a place where you have anything to fear.” Ali assures her sincerely.

Ashlyn steals another deep kiss, feeling herself completely settle. She finds those warm whiskey eyes one more time before leading them towards the bed. She lets out a long breath and turns her back to Ali, feeling the brunette’s arms wrap around her waist. “Just stay behind me.” She reminds her one last time.

\-----

Ali starts with what is already very familiar and comfortable between them. She keeps her arms around Ashlyn’s waist, her chest pressed into the woman’s back, hands lightly roaming the expanse of toned stomach muscles under her palms. She leaves soft kisses along Ashlyn’s upper shoulders and the back of her neck, letting out warm puffs of breath across the woman’s skin. Ashlyn’s breathing is soft and even, a sure sign that she’s relaxed right now.

“That’s it. Nice and slow, keep breathing.” Ali whispers encouragingly before putting a couple more safeguards in place. “I’ll make sure your hands are free to move at all times and you try and keep your eyes open so you can look around and see everything, ok?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn confirms, the feeling of security Ali elicits growing yet again. She tilts her head back into the brunette, smiling when she feels a gentle kiss pressed to her cheek.

“Go ahead and lay down. I’m going to massage you a bit to get everything relaxed.” Ali leaves a few more kisses on the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder before helping her lay stomach-down on the bed. She lightly sits on Ashlyn’s butt and leans forward, beginning by just gently running the palms of her hands all along her shoulders and back. It’s enough to feel that the woman’s muscles are a little tight, but luckily not overly tense.

Ashlyn lets out a soft breath, Ali’s little coarse hairs against her butt cheeks feel simultaneously comforting and arousing. She rests her arms by her sides and naturally reaches to hold near Ali’s knees. _Her skin always feels so soft. _Her mind goes right to the first time she held the brunette’s hips, how it felt like smooth silk under her hands. Her heart had drummed wildly even then, as if it had immediately known what Ali would mean to her.

After a few minutes of light touches, Ali begins to more firmly knead the muscles along Ashlyn’s upper back and arms, using her thumbs to work the base of her neck. She’s pleased that the tense tissue under her hands feels increasingly relaxed without all that much effort. _That’s it, Ash. Just relax with me. _She finds her own calm in the repetitive motions for as long as she can, knowing that she needs to move things along before they both lose their nerve to leave the comfort zone.

Ashlyn lets out a content hum when she feels Ali’s chest press against her back, the brunette’s firm nipples once again on her skin. “I love that…how your weight feels on me.” She takes a second to close her eyes as Ali fully lays out on her back and covers her body like a warm blanket, the brunette’s arms and legs spread over her own and she entwines their hands.

“Tell me if it gets to be too much.” Ali reminds her, knowing all her weight is on Ashlyn now. She holds that position for a few minutes, again giving them both time to relax into it before pressing to heighten the physical intimacy. _Here we go, beautiful…I won’t let you down. _She lets go of Ashlyn’s hands and runs her fingers up the woman’s strong arms, letting her palms come to rest on the bed for now so that she can lift her body just a bit. It gives her just enough leverage to begin slowly dragging her chest down Ashlyn’s back.

Ashlyn’s breath hitches at the new sensation. Her hands automatically reach back again to find purchase on Ali’s thighs before trailing upwards, pretty much grasping the brunette’s ass now and pulling her in closer. She can only smile at Ali’s uncanny ability to go from soothing to sexy in mere seconds. “Mmmm…Al.” She buries her face into the pillow as soft lips flit across the back of her neck.

Ali leaves gentle open-mouthed kisses all over Ashlyn’s neck, building up to softly sucking the woman’s skin between her lips and running her tongue over it before releasing and moving to the next spot. She continuously rakes one hand along Ashlyn’s side, down to her upper hip and back again as she listens to the woman’s little moans get slightly louder and more frequent. “Try getting up on your hands and knees, babe.” She requests, running her tongue along the top of the woman’s ear for good measure.

Ashlyn pushes herself up onto her knees as soon as she feels Ali give her a little space, her palms on the bed to hold herself up. The positioning is foreign and exposing, but Ali’s hands softly land on her hips and make it immediately feel more comfortable. “Mmmmm, god baby.” She can’t help but let out rumbling moan when Ali’s hands come around to splay across her stomach and the brunette’s upper thigh wedges right against her center. _You always know what I need._

Ali feels both happy and a bit relieved when Ashlyn’s wetness coats her thigh. It’s not the woman’s usual level of copious slickness, but at least it appears that whatever Ashlyn is feeling right now is pleasurable and that they just need to build on it. Still, she doesn’t want to be guessing about anything at all in this situation. “Talk to me, Ash. How does this feel?” She lightly runs her hands along Ashlyn’s abs and leans down to kiss the center of her back.

“Position feels a little weird for me, but I really love how you feel. Your hands make me comfortable, keep going.” Ashlyn replies candidly, pressing herself back more and letting out a content little grunt as she swirls her hips against the brunette’s thigh to get some friction.

Ali slides her hands to Ashlyn’s hips and encourages woman’s grinding into her thigh. She maintains control over the pace, guiding both Ashlyn’s hip movement as well as how much she presses her own thigh against the woman’s folds. “That’s it, babe…get all worked up and wet me for.” She chooses heated words to amp things up, pulling Ashlyn’s hips back even more firmly into her thigh to increase the pressure for a couple minutes.

“Alex…ohh…” Ashlyn tilts her head back at the feel of Ali’s tongue dragging down her spine. She whines when the brunette’s thigh pulls away, finding her body revved up and wanting more. The odd feeling of the position she’s in has somewhat faded, her focus now on the heat of Ali’s body and her insatiable need to have as much of the brunette’s skin against hers as possible. She reaches back with one hand hoping to pull that strong thigh back to where she needs, but she only manages to lightly grab the woman’s side as Ali kisses down her lower back. “Aching for you right now.” She tries to voice her level of desire, pushing her hips back again in search of that thigh but bumping up against what feels like Ali’s chest instead. “Al, what are you…” The rest of her question gets lost in a loud moan as Ali’s tongue swipes from just above her entrance and down to her clit.

“Making you come on my tongue.” Ali answers the unfinished question, making it clear that she’s fully taking charge here. _Let yourself go, Ash…I won’t let you get lost. _

“Mmmyeah, oh god.” Ashlyn’s back involuntarily arches, pushing her center further into Ali’s face and causing her to gasp at the jolt created by the brunette’s chin bumping against her clit as a tongue slips inside. The feeling of being really exposed is back, but Ali’s mouth feels too good for her to be bothered anything else right now. “Fuck…won’t take…long. Jesus.” She takes deep stuttered breaths, her head dropping down onto the bed and her hand trying to find some part of Ali to hold as her thigh muscles start to feel weak.

Ali doesn’t try to be delicate at the moment, devouring the glistening womanhood in front of at an almost demanding pace. She knows she needs to push just beyond Ashlyn’s limits of susceptibility so the woman can reach her own crossroads and choose her path. Her eyes catch Ashlyn’s right hand scrambling around on the bed and she reaches for it, entwining their fingers and giving it a light squeeze. “I’ve got you, Ash.” She pulls her mouth away just enough to be sure she was heard and then deeply plunges her tongue right back into Ashlyn’s entrance.

Ali’s hand in her own makes Ashlyn feel more grounded and she holds it tightly. Her release is building steadily and her eyes close as she loses herself in the ripples of pleasure flowing through her body. She’s honed in on the heat of Ali’s mouth on her, the wet sounds of the brunette lapping hungrily at her pussy. “Baby, your tongue is mmmmmgod, fuck… nothing feels as good as you.” Her stomach is fluttering hard, her deep breathing making her feel a bit dizzy. “Your mouth…so hot.” She can’t help but be focused on the heat between her legs as she shivers slightly, her body feeling cold even though she’s sweaty. The contrast of the chill she feels and the intense heat on her core is disorienting.

“You ok?” Ali pulls her mouth away, feeling the slight quiver of Ashlyn’s body and the way her breathing has gotten really chaotic.

“Yeah…don’t stop. Please, Al.” Ashlyn mumbles, squeezing Ali’s hand again even as her stomach flips harder. _Don’t let go, don’t stop._ She tries to zone back into the amazing sensations created by Ali’s mouth, but somehow it seems further away now. _Why am I sweating so much? _Her attention shifts to the tingling of cool sweat dripping down her lower back, making her shiver even more. She catches a faint scent of metal in the air and it makes her breathe more deeply in an attempt to smell it again. _What the fuck?_ It only takes a couple of quick inhalations for it to become pervasive, a metallic taste now in her mouth too as it becomes apparent that the flutter in her stomach is not a good one. _No. _

Ali hears a low groan and feels Ashlyn’s body tense. She immediately pulls her mouth away, but the woman doesn’t even seem to notice. A moment ago it seemed like Ashlyn was on the verge of an orgasm…sweaty, breathless, body shaking. But now those usual telltale signs have become wild to the point of only meaning one thing. _She’s panicking. _“Ash, I’m here. Talk to me.” She uses her free arm to encircle the woman’s waist and presses her cheek against Ashlyn’s upper back, the sheen of cold sweat hard to ignore as she attempts to get some kind of response.

Ashlyn tries hard to listen to what Ali’s voice is saying, the woman’s body on her own feeling soothing despite the fear spreading in her chest. She can’t focus on anything but the smell in her nose because she knows what it is now. Car exhaust, musty cement, old paint cans, and the steel of well-used car tools. _The garage. _She knows for certain she’s not there, but some part of her doesn’t buy it…the metallic taste in her mouth unmistakably her own blood. _You’re here, you’re not even there. _She swallows down the spit her in mouth to try and clear what isn’t even real.

“Ashlyn, it’s ok…slow your breathing and open your eyes.” Ali tries again, this time moving up to speak right near her ear. _Come on, give me something. _When she gets no immediate response, her first instinct is to bring this to a quick halt by moving so they can lay on the bed together and face each other in hopes that the position change pulls Ashlyn out of her haze. But before she can move to do that, she feels Ashlyn’s fingers trembling hard against her wrist. They’re just sitting there, flexing slightly as if the woman is debating tugging on that bandana but fighting herself not to. Ashlyn’s words from earlier run through her mind: ‘Let me work through things if I have to and maybe help me if you can…just stay behind me so I can try to completely let go of all that fucking baggage for a few moments.’ It’s enough to keep her pressing forward. _Fuck, okay. I feel you, beautiful…let’s work through it._

Ashlyn tries hard to catch her breath, not sure what else to do while she’s stuck in this odd limbo. She’s perfectly aware of where she is and that she’s safe, but her body is involuntarily responding as if she’s in danger. Try as she might, she can’t get herself to focus on anything other than how cold she is, the metallic scent and the taste in her mouth. _You’re with Alex. Just relax and listen to her._ She knows the brunette is talking to her, but she can’t register a word of it.

Ali wraps one arm around Ashlyn’s waist and the other around her chest, using all her strength to pull the woman up so that they’re both up on their knees now. She holds Ashlyn’s back against her front, running her hand softly along the woman’s stomach. She uses her other hand to gently hold Ashlyn’s face, turning it a bit towards her own and kissing her cheek gently. “Ashlyn, my love…focus on where you are. Remember that I’m here with you. Can you do that?”

_My love. _Those are the only two words that cut right through the foggy mess that is Ashlyn’s mind, making it dissipate enough that she can feel Ali’s comforting grip on her and realize that the brunette’s harmonious voice is right in her ear. She feels her churning stomach settle slightly and she tries again to hone in on what Ali is saying. _Keep talking to me._

“Open your eyes for me, my love. Can you open your eyes, Ash?” Ali can feel Ashlyn’s body unclenching just a bit and tries again.

_My love._ It’s even louder and clearer this time, making the tightness in Ashlyn’s chest begin to transition into the usual loving ache she always feels when she’s close to Ali. And this time she can hear the rest of what follows those two wonderful words. _Open my eyes. _

“There you are. Keep looking at me, beautiful. I’m right here with you and you’re okay.” Ali says soothingly, relieved to see those hazel eyes open and focused on her even if they look a bit stormy. “Can you tell me where you are?” She requests carefully.

“I know I’m here in my bedroom.” Ashlyn’s voice comes out raspy and tired sounding.

“Doing so good.” Ali encourages her. “And can you tell me who I am?” She stays the course even though Ashlyn seems present.

“You’re my light, Alex.” Ashlyn replies easily, nuzzling her face into the brunette’s as much as she can. She smiles when the only thing she can smell now is Ali’s lavender shampoo and breathes in deeply.

_There’s my smile, thank god._ _Keep going._ Ali feels herself relax more at Ashlyn’s response, her own smile growing on her face when she realizes what the woman said. “Wasn’t exactly expecting all that charm, but I’ll take it. You mean the world to me, Ash.” She doesn’t hold back her heartfelt sentiments, they’re important right now. “Just bear with me, ok?” Ali asks and gets a tiny nod. “Tell me who you are.”

“I’m Ashlyn.” Ashlyn’s reply comes out almost like a question, her brow furrowing in confusion at the brunette’s question.

“You sure are.” Ali confirms. “But you’re more than that, right? You’re a survivor, you’re kind, you’re beautiful inside and out, you’re powerful, you’re a million more things.” She says resolutely before making her request again. “Tell me who you are, Ash. Who are you in this moment?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn goes along with it and takes a second before answering. “I’m good. I’m strong. I’m loyal. I’m honest. I’m hardworking. I’m protective. I’m fearless. And I’m…” She pauses for a split second and finds those loving whiskey eyes, her hand going to squeeze Ali’s arm around her waist. “I’m yours, Alex.” She leans in and kisses the brunette slowly.

“You are…you’re all of those wonderful things.” Ali mumbles against Ashlyn’s lips. She lets the kiss continue for a bit longer, feeling a huge shift in the woman’s energy. _Here we go, Ash…this is your moment. _Ali pulls back and holds Ashlyn’s gaze. “I’m yours. And you’re mine. Tell me what you need.”

“I really want you.” Ashlyn whispers softly and turns her head to kiss Ali’s neck as best as she can, simultaneously taking the brunette’s hand and directing it down between her legs. _She’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m gonna do this with her no matter what. _She gives herself a final pep talk, feeling confident this time that she can handle what she actually wants right now.

“You’re ready and okay like this? And you remember you can stop or change anything at any time?” Ali checks in once more, sensing that there is no going back now.

“I’m great…and you’re perfect. And I remember.” Ashlyn confirms and kisses her deeply.

“Tell me what you want, babe.” Ali pulls back from the kiss and reminds Ashlyn to be vocal, her fingertips softly scratching the coarse little strip of hair on the woman’s mound.

“I want you so deep… and hard…and fast. Don’t fucking stop until my legs give out and I can’t breathe. Stay behind me and own me.” Ashlyn tells her openly, the anticipation of what she just asked for causing her center to throb in desire and her stomach to flip in a different way now.

_Holy fuck, here we go. Breathe._ Ali’s wasn’t sure what exactly would happen when they got to this crossroads, but Ashlyn has definitively chosen her path. The woman wants what she’s never been able to have before… dominant and intensely vulnerable passionate sex, the kind where you can lose your mind along with every physical inhibition you have. The lustful fire she sees in those now very dark hazel eyes is enough to stir her own want to the max. _I’ll give you all of it, Ash. _“It’s yours, gorgeous. I’m yours. And you’re mine.” She repeats one more time before sliding her fingers through Ashlyn’s wet folds and biting the woman’s neck lightly. “You’re so fucking mine.”

“Ohmmmygod.” Ashlyn moans loudly as one of Ali’s hands immediately moves to squeeze her left breast and the fingers of the other put firm pressure right on her clit. “God, baby…yeees.” She feels her own gush of wetness as Ali nips at her neck while tugging firmly on her nipples and creating delicious friction between her legs. She leans back into the brunette as much as she can and reaches back to grip her thighs. Ali’s touches are assertive and firm, just the way she’d asked…but it’s still not enough as a carnal need she’s never felt before takes over. “Alex…just fuck me. Please just…I need you.”

Ali can only smile into the back of the woman’s neck at the major shift, the one where Ashlyn doesn’t even realize that she finally has a complete hold on herself by actively choosing to give up control without fear. She makes her own shift, putting aside her usually careful and measured approach in favor of letting Ashlyn’s body tell her exactly what it wants and trusting that it’s the right thing. “Gonna fuck you so good.” She slips a finger into the woman’s drenched entrance and immediately follows it with a second one. Her name sounds loudly through the room in a pleasured yell and fingertips dig into her upper thigh as Ashlyn’s head tips back against her shoulder.

“Al…god…so…fucking good.” Ashlyn can barely speak through her gasping breaths, everything energized and burning white hot at Ali’s touches on her body_. I feel you everywhere. All of me is yours. _“Fuck me harder, wanna still feel you tomorrow. Baby you’re…” She isn’t able to finish the statement as a deep grunt leaves her parted lips, the brunette pressing hard against her walls at the perfect angle and rendering her speechless.

_I’m yours, that’s what I am. And you are everything I could ever hope for. _Ali lets the passion drive her, body molding to Ashlyn’s, the two of them moving in complete sync as she pistons into the woman’s throbbing heat relentlessly. They’re tightly pressed together and sweaty, both of them breathing hard. Ashlyn’s body feels like a part of her own and she reads it effortlessly like second nature as the fervor continues to build.

_Euphoria. _That’s the only word that comes to mind now that everything else has disappeared. There’s nothing but Ali’s hot skin on hers, the brunette’s thundering heartbeat against her back, warm puffs of breath on her neck that make her feel weaker by the second, and an amazingly tingly fire in her core threatening to put her over the edge in a way she’s been waiting for her whole life. The loud wet slapping noises of Ali’s hand continually meeting her soaked folds bring her right to the brink as her own high pitched grunts and moans fill the room.

_Yes, Ash. This is your moment, yours. Let go all over me. _Ashlyn’s muscles are twitching, the woman’s hips are wildly bucking into Ali’s hand, her entrance clenching around her fingers greedily. Ali pushes in as deep as she can from this angle one last time and curls her fingers repeatedly, letting her thumb go to Ashlyn’s swollen clit. She uses her free hand to turn the woman’s face and kisses her with everything she has.

Ashlyn is completely out of breath as her entire body spasms and comes apart, but she keeps her lips moving against Ali’s mouth, inhaling and exhaling whatever air is exchanged between them. Her leg muscles fully give out and she drops forward onto the bed, feeling Ali’s body cover her own. And there’s nothing else… nothing else but the feeling of peaceful bliss and the comforting warmth of the woman whose love wraps her up securely and makes her feel alive.

“I’ve got you, my love. Breathe and relax…I love you so much.” Ali whispers softly and kisses every scar on Ashlyn’s back within reach of her lips. She rolls onto her side to take some of her weight off of Ashlyn while they both try to catch their breath, spooning her snuggly from behind_. What comes next, beautiful? _She waits patiently, somehow getting the sense that this isn’t over just yet.

Ashlyn’s body isn’t even close to coming down yet, but she finds herself whispering a vague request in the hopes that Ali can just feel her. “Al…please.” She can’t manage anything further with everything still in overdrive. She immediately feels soft hands wander her torso and lets out a relieved little whimper. _You always know…always feel me. _She presses herself back further into the brunette and gently squeezes Ali’s forearm to encourage the hand that is already sliding down low over her hip bone, letting herself get lost in the moment again.

Ali closes her eyes and lets herself get just as caught up as Ashlyn, relying on just her instincts to guide her. There are no words at all, just soft moans and choppy breaths between them as both of their hands try to cover as much ground on each other’s skin as possible. This time around couldn’t be more different from just a few minutes ago…every touch is light and erotic. The measured pace is almost as torturous as it is deeply passionate and romantic, bringing them each to a new kind of high.

Ali’s fingers move slow and methodically in and out…Ashlyn’s ass grinds sensually against the brunette’s pubic bone with just barely enough pressure to bring Ali right up to the brink of release alongside her. Whether minutes or hours pass, neither one knows…aware of nothing more than hands gripping skin and the shaking of their bodies against each other when they release together in a complete physical and emotional whirlwind.

\----

The next time Ashlyn opens her eyes she’s on her back with Ali half draped over her. Their limbs are all entangled and the brunette’s head is resting in the crook of her neck. The room is a dimmer from the darkness outside and she has no idea if she fell asleep for a while or just took enough time to catch her breath. _You are so damn beautiful. _Ali’s eyes are closed, but there’s a little smile playing at her lips which suggests she’s not asleep even though she looks so tranquil. Unable to resist, she kisses her forehead and hears Ali let out a content little hum before those striking whiskey eyes find her own.

“Hi angel. You ok?” Ali asks softly.

“Way better than ok.” Ashlyn gives her usual reply and smiles. “I…holy fuck, Alex.” She can’t find a way to express what she’s feeling.

“Good or bad?” Ali picks her head up and rests her chin on Ashlyn’s chest.

“Incredibly good in every way.” Ashlyn says easily with a wider grin. “I don’t think I have the words to…” She trails off.

“You don’t need to have any words.” Ali leans to kiss Ashlyn’s chin and sees her give a little nod. She knows they’ll eventually talk about it, but doesn’t feel the need to rush it.

“What time is it?” Ashlyn asks, having lost all sense of time but too relaxed to bother moving her head to see the clock.

“No idea.” Ali giggles lightly. “Neither of us really fell asleep though, so can’t be all that late.” She shrugs, feeling like the time doesn’t matter one bit right now.

They lay there for a few more minutes taking it all in before Ashlyn breaks the silence. “Shower with me?” She asks, knowing just how sweaty they both got.

“Shower, huh? Changing things up on me, Stanford?” Ali pops her head up again.

“Well seeing as how I only have the amazingly good kind of soreness after the hottest and most intense fuck of my life, I’m not exactly eager to get rid of it.” Ashlyn chuckles while Ali buries her face into her neck and laughs too. “I figured the shower would take a little less time and I want to show you something after.” She says more seriously.

“I’ll never say no to any kind of bath or shower with you.” Ali steals a quick kiss before rolling off of the woman and propping herself up enough looking at the clock. “Only 8:45pm, we have plenty of time.”

“Mmm, good.” Ashlyn pulls her back down and kisses her deeply before finding the motivation to get up and lead them to the shower.

“Ash, this isn’t a shower. It’s a day spa!” Ali can only marvel at the experience of standing in a huge open shower with several steam nozzles providing perfect surrounding warmth while a huge rain shower sprays water gently from overhead.

“Aren’t you glad now that I didn’t say bath?” Ashlyn smirks.

“You win.” Ali relents.

“I won long before this.” Ashlyn flirts and pulls the brunette a little closer, planting a sweet kiss on her lips before grabbing a washcloth moving things along.

The two of them stay close and take turns washing each other. It’s intimate but not overly sexual and has the same familiarity of a long-term relationship that they often feel in moments together. It’s not long before Ashlyn is wrapping Ali up in a fluffy robe, the two of them heading back into the bedroom to fully dry off.

“Here, put this warmer one on and also these.” Ashlyn walks out of her closet and hands Ali a heavier flannel robe and a thick pair of socks, wearing a similar set herself. “And come downstairs when you’re ready.” She kisses the brunette’s cheek and heads down the spiral staircase.

“Well ok then.” Ali finishes towel drying her hair, looking at the robe and socks with befuddlement. She follows the directions and puts them on. When she gets down the stairs, she sees Ashlyn holding a thick blanket and standing by the glass sliding door to the balcony. She walks over to the woman and takes her outstretched hand, entwining their fingers. “What’s all this?”

“Time to show you why I really bought this place.” Ashlyn smiles and slides the door open.

Ali expects to feel the harsh chill of the cold night air, but is surprisingly met with a wave of hot air from the three heat lamps that Ashlyn apparently turned on already.

“Did you really think I’d ever go out here if it was really cold?” Ashlyn can’t help but laugh at the surprise on Ali’s face.

“Right, warm climate girl…forgot for a sec.” Ali shakes her head with a giggle. “This is so festive.” She comments when she notices a few strings of white Christmas lights strategically placed along the outer edge of the balcony, knowing Ashlyn must have just turned them on because she didn’t see them on out there earlier.

“Tis the season.” Ashlyn shrugs and leads Ali over to a small pillowed outdoor couch, pulling the blanket over them and tucking the brunette into her side. She smiles when Ali kisses her jaw and snuggles in a little closer.

“This is beautiful.” Ali whispers after a few minutes of really taking in the sprawling city lights all around them as far as the eye can see. “And really peaceful. Easy to see why you fell in love with it.”

“Nowhere near as beautiful as you.” Ashlyn lays it on thick. “Amazing how quiet it is, isn’t it?” She says thoughtfully.

“Truly amazing, Stanford charm.” Ali agrees. The city is bustling as always, but the sound doesn’t travel up to them. The contrast of the lively city streets below and the silence is soothing in a unique way. “Thanks for bringing me out here.” She curls her arm around Ashlyn’s waist and leans her head on her shoulder.

They sit there for a long time, fingers softly tracing patterns wherever they find edges of each other’s bare skin. There’s a wonderful stillness between them that neither is keen to disrupt, both finding it remarkable to be so happy just quietly sitting next to each other.

“I get it, Al. I really get it.” Ashlyn soft voice breaks the long silence.

“Get what, babe?” Ali asks quizzically.

“What you’ve been showing me this whole time, the real meaning of this entire thing.” Ashlyn replies.

“Tell me.” Ali moves her hand to softly hold the woman’s cheek as always and listens carefully. Truth be told, she knew something like this was coming when Ashlyn chose to come outside into an open space with a view of the water below.

“It just hit me that I don’t have to control everything to be in control.” Ashlyn finds her favorite whiskey eyes. “In our time together, you’ve let me take charge of so many things, but you’ve also perfectly guided these moments for us where I could just follow you blindly…and all within my comfort zone somehow. Tonight I let myself go completely in a scenario that crossed a major boundary I’ve had pretty much my whole life, and I was completely ok. It was incredible. I finally realized that there can be like an order within the chaos, that there is an underlying control. That choosing to be vulnerable to that level was in and of itself a way of empowering myself. Everything just clicked…and I’m…I’m blown away by it all.” She leans in for a slow kiss before pulling back and noticing that Ali’s eyes look a bit glassy. “You ok?”

“Keep going.” Ali nods, finding herself growing emotional.

“And it also dawned on me that I’ve been a completely different in my personal life than I am in my professional life and that I’ve been going against my own principles in a way.” Ashlyn tries to explain her newfound enlightenment. “When I’m pitching a new product at work or trying to partner with a company, there’s nothing but confidence. I know I’m good at what I do because I’ve put my life’s passion into it. I know my product and my company in and out, its strengths and its weaknesses. Every product and company has its flaws, but that’s not what I lead with. Not at all. I showcase its strengths and the breadth of its capabilities…I never sell it short by focusing on its shortcomings because I know there are always ways to work through or around those flaws. I’m always confident that the whole is more valuable than those little issues. Does that make sense?”

“It does.” Ali says softly and stays quiet to encourage Ashlyn to continue.

“I’ve always carried myself with that confidence in my work. But I’m realizing that my dating life has been a complete departure from that, especially the last few years.” Ashlyn elaborates. “The first thing I do is sell myself short…or really don’t sell myself at all. It’s like I’m starting with this list of what I can’t do or what’s wrong with me. I mean, there’s staying true to yourself and then there’s just defeating yourself before you even go into battle. I’ve never done that in any other aspect of my life, but somehow I’ve done it in my dating life.” She pauses and holds Ali’s face in her hands. “This with you… you’ve never let me do that, never let me defeat myself for even a second. And I understand it, and I get it… and it’s everything. I get it now and I know better, I won’t sell myself short anymore.”

“Exactly, you get it.” Ali confirms in a squeaky whisper, unable to keep the tears from streaming down her face even as Ashlyn kisses her romantically.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Ashlyn pulls away in concern.

“Nothing.” Ali clears her throat, feeling Ashlyn’s thumbs wipe tears from her cheeks. “Nobody ever gets it like this. They start to figure some small things out and take positive steps forward, but it’s not until long after therapy is over that some of these bigger insights come through. And even then, they don’t always fully see it. But somehow you’ve truly gotten it at the very root. What I’ve built with you, the connection we have…it means the world to me. You mean the world to me. And to see you understand your worth and really value it… to have been a part of it in any way… it…” She stutters to try express herself. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to explain what it feels like, but it…” She just motions to the tears still leaking from the corners of her eyes.

“Good or bad?” Ashlyn questions.

“Good. Really good.” Ali presses her forehead to Ashlyn’s and tries to collect herself.

“You’re too beautiful to cry, lovebug.” Ashlyn hugs her tight. “Even if you do make a cute raccoon.” She swipes her thumbs under the brunette’s eyes to wipe away the light smudge of whatever mascara miraculously held on through their sex and shower.

“Then you should stop making me cry, Sonic.” Ali laughs lightly and ruffles Ashlyn’s damp combed hair to make a mess of it before moving into the woman’s lap more and hugging her close again.

Ali burrows into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck and lets out a deep breath, ready now to voice her true understanding what was just said between them…the deeper meaning that they’re both avoiding. “Ash…” She lets her hand tangle in the slightly longer hair on the back of Ashlyn’s head. “This is it, right?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn admits in a choked up voice. “Not tonight because I need to mentally prepare…but Friday.”

“Friday.” Ali repeats it, the deadline feeling as permanent now as all the ink on their skin.

“Yeah, one last one.” Ashlyn sighs. “Every minute it gets harder to let you go. I promised you that I would let you go and move on. And I also promised I wouldn’t hope for it and I won’t…but still, if there is ever going to be the slightest possibility that I’ll find you in my life again in any way then I have to keep my promise to you, all of it. I don’t want to break my promise to you and fuck it all up, and honestly, I’m so fucking close to not being able to keep it.”

“I know. It’s ok.” Ali reassures her even through the lump in her own throat. “We’re gonna be ok.” She works hard to believe her own words. They settle into another comfortable silence, this time holding each other more tightly as if the clock just truly starting ticking. Ali finds herself thinking about their time together over the last couple months, the sheer magnitude of what they’ve shared together and how far they’ve come, eventually landing on one more thing she’s curious about as she replays their evening.

“Can I ask you something about earlier tonight?” Ali’s voice cuts through the quiet.

“Of course.” Ashlyn replies easily.

“When we were in the thick of things, for a little while it’s like you were so far away. It felt like you just weren’t there.” Ali prefaces her question. “I’ve been wondering what it was that brought you back?”

“It was just this weird limbo. The situation triggered a vivid sensory memory where I could smell the garage where my Dad…” Ashlyn trails off. “I felt like I could taste blood in my mouth too. And I was aware of where I really was and that I was safe with you the whole time, but I couldn’t stop the physical fear reaction or focus on anything but that smell and taste. I just got so caught up in that memory and sort of paralyzed by it.”

“But something made it stop?” Ali asks gently.

“Yeah. You called me ‘my love’.” Ashlyn finds the brunette’s hand and squeezes it. “I couldn’t register a word you were saying until you said that. Those two words just stuck out really clearly. I heard that and it was possessive and real. It felt like I was really yours. And then all I could focus on was you and everything else went away…because I was your love.”

Ali feels the tears coming back, choosing to just nod and hug Ashlyn tight again for a minute so she can keep them from falling this time.

“Maybe I’m already fucking things up.” Ashlyn lets out a long breath.

“What do you mean?” Ali sits back a bit to look at her.

“I meant what I said before. I’m yours, Al.” Ashlyn confesses. “I don’t know how not to be. After all we’ve been through…after tonight…some part of me will always be yours. Does that mess everything up?”

“No. I don’t think so. I’ve actually always believed that we leave a little piece of ourselves in everyone we’re close to and have deeply connected with, and vice versa…that we carry those people with us too, good or bad.” Ali muses out loud. “It fits with what I said before about not having to forget someone even if you move on. Parts of you are always theirs and parts of them are always yours, it’s just part of sharing yourself.”

Ashlyn nods and leans in to kiss the brunette, but feels Ali’s hands stop her face, the brunette holding her gaze with so much love in her eyes.

“I meant what I said before too. I’m yours, Ashlyn Harris. Part of me will always be yours. Yours more than anyone else’s.” Ali says genuinely, ghosting the woman’s lips. “Happy to be yours in some way, and happy that even a small part of you is mine too. I love you.”

“I love you too, Alexandra.” Ashlyn barely manages to croak out before capturing Ali’s lips in a scorching and intensely emotional kiss that she’ll never forget.

\----

“You must be fucking starving.” Ashlyn comments in concern. They’ve been outside for at least an hour now, alternating between quietly cuddling and languidly kissing. It just dawned on her that Ali has been here since 4pm and all they’ve devoured is each other.

“Haven’t exactly been focused on my stomach, but if you’re offering…” Ali gives her a vibrant smile.

“Well I got plenty to eat earlier, but I’m always hungry for more when you’re around.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows.

“Oh, so we’re not talking food then…” Ali teasingly trails kisses down Ashlyn’s neck.

“Again I say, I’m yours.” Ashlyn flirts before pulling the brunette’s face up for a quick kiss. “For real, you hungry?”

“Sure, but only if you let me help.” Ali replies.

“Deal.” Ashlyn smiles. “We’ll keep it simple. Grilled cheese?”

“Sounds amazing!” Ali agrees.

“Good. I’ll let you butter my bread.” Ashlyn winks.

“Smooth, Stanford.” Ali rolls her eyes playfully.

“Come on you.” Ashlyn gets up and leads them back into the house, she reaches to flick a switch on the wall that shuts off the heaters and lights outside.

Ali shakes her head with a smile. “Let me guess, you’re gonna press a hidden button in the kitchen that will miraculously make us grilled cheese?” She laughs loudly at her own joke.

_I love that laugh with all my heart._ “There probably is one, I just haven’t found it yet.” Ashlyn plays back and kisses Ali mid-laugh. “Your jokes are the worst, Harvard…but your laugh is everything.”

“This better be one hell of a grilled cheese if you’re gonna knock my jokes.” Ali warns in jest.

“Best you’ve ever had.” Ashlyn promises.

\-----

“Might as well feed your ego and admit that was in fact the best grilled cheese I’ve had.” Ali concedes after they’ve eaten and are just cuddled up on the couch.

“I will always appreciate your honesty.” Ashlyn smiles. “The secret is a slice of Jarlsberg cheese in there with the American.”

“You know, it’s really not fair to the rest of the world for you to be such an amazing person, good looking, professionally successful, and be able to cook.” Ali jokes. “Like maybe fucking save some for the rest of us.”

Ashlyn chuckles softly before capturing Ali’s lips in a deep kiss and then pulling back to look at her. “Do you really care about the rest of the world right now?” She challenges softly.

“Nope.” Ali smirks.

“Me either.” Ashlyn kisses her again until it naturally slows down and they snuggle back in close. It’s getting later by the second and it’s clear by the way they’re increasingly clinging to each other that neither of them wants to end the night even though they have to.

“I won’t put you in the position of asking you to stay…” Ashlyn finds Ali’s eyes, “but any chance we can fall asleep together?” She asks hopefully.

“I can’t stay the night.” Ali frowns, everything in her wanting to break her own rules. “But I have a couple more hours to spare and we can absolutely fall asleep together. I’ll set an alarm.” She smiles and gives in as close to the absolute limit as she can.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Ashlyn grins like an idiot and entwines their fingers, bringing Ali’s hand up to her mouth to kiss it. She gets up and heads over to the phone by the elevator, the brunette watching her curiously. “Hey Phil, it’s Ashlyn. Ali Krieger will be here for little while longer, but when she leaves can you call the car service and have them take her home please? Perfect, thank you. Have an awesome night.” She hangs up the phone and walks back over to Ali.

“Car service?” Ali asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, we have a 24-hour car service we can call here. Promise you’ll stop on your way out to let Phil call it for you, it only takes like 5 minutes. It’ll be way too late for you to walk home.” Ashlyn appeals to her.

“You’re so sweet.” Ali doesn’t bother protesting, touched by how thoughtful the woman is. Ashlyn has this amazing balance of being protective but not over-protective; having known that she would have absolutely protested the last time she stayed late because she’s so used to walking around city at night, but realizing that this time it will be too late to be considered safe for anyone. “I promise I’ll take the ride home. Thank you.” She assures Ashlyn and pecks her lips, the two of them making their way upstairs.

\---

It feels like mere minutes before Ali’s phone alarm is vibrating on Ashlyn’s nightstand and waking her up. She quickly silences it and gets her bearings, dropping her head back down on Ashlyn’s chest and breathing her in. The woman’s bare skin is so soft and warm against her own, her lips slightly parted and a tiny little snore audible when she breathes out. She wishes more than anything she could close her eyes and go back to sleep, never having to leave Ashlyn’s secure embrace. _You can’t stay._ She reminds herself and gives herself one more minute before slowly getting up and putting her clothes on.

“Sweet dreams, my love.” Ali leans down and leaves a feather light kiss on Ashlyn’s lips so she doesn’t wake her. Just as soon as she starts to move away, Ashlyn hand lands on her arm to stop her…as if those two words once again cut right through to her even in her sleep.

“I love you, baby. Text me when you get home. I love you.” Ashlyn mumbles sleepily, her eyes staying closed.

“I will. Go back to sleep.” Ali smiles, completely enamored by Ashlyn waking up just to tell her she loves her. She watches a tiny smile form on the woman’s lips before Ashlyn settles again. “I love you too. Sleep well, my love.” She kisses Ashlyn softly one more and turns to go before she loses her last bit will power, looking back one more time with a completely full but aching heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, the end of therapy is actually scheduled now...how are we feeling?


	36. Unforgettable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for these two to process everything with their people and really let those thoughts out before the last session. And for those of you who wanted more Pinoe and Sue...ya welcome!  
Prepare yourself for the next chapter (37), it's a real whopper in length and emotion.
> 
> Hit me with those comments!

Unforgettable

“Finally I get a hello!” Megan pouts as Sue walks over to their table and discretely kisses her cheek.

“She’s been over here grumbling this whole time that you didn’t bring our drinks over yourself.” Whitney chimes in. “But for the record, I missed you too.”

“Aww, sorry lovelies! It’s weirdly slammed for a Wednesday night. No idea what on earth is going on, but I’m glad we have Vernie on as an extra to help me out tonight.” Sue motions to the waitress that has been busily serving most of the tables near the bar.

“But I don’t want Vernie, I want you!” Megan whines loudly.

“Easy twerp, nobody likes a whiner.” Sue winks.

“See! Thank you!” Whitney shoots Megan a playful look.

“Please don’t encourage the woman who’s already wound up tighter than a nun’s vagina.” Megan tells Sue with a smirk, and watches Whitney’s jaw drop open at the quip.

“You are so gross, Pinoe!” Whitney scoffs.

“Forget that, how exactly do you know how tight a nun’s vagina is?” Sue raises an eyebrow.

“I’m kidding, hayseed! Geez!” Megan throws her hands up.

“Someone is hangry as fuck.” Sue rolls her eyes.

“Fuck yeah! It’s like eight o’clock and I ate lunch at noon.” Megan complains while Whitney just rolls her eyes.

“And where is the third musketeer?” Sue asks, knowing they must be waiting for Ashlyn if they haven’t ordered food yet. Usually all of them are here by around 7pm on Wednesday nights.

“No idea.” Whitney checks her phone again. “We left together and she said she was right behind us. I’m getting worried. I barely saw her today and it has been like an hour now with no text or anything saying she’s running late.”

“Maybe she’s with Crystal?” Sue suggests.

“Nope. Crys is already in hardcore finals mode. The end of semester is in like two weeks and she’ll be anti-social until then.” Megan explains.

“Probably just stuck on the subway then.” Sue offers, admittedly a little worried herself. “I really need to get back to the bar to help Janice. I’ll send over some of the house special nachos we have tonight so your stomach doesn’t eat itself while you wait.”

“Baby you’re the beeeest!” Megan singsongs.

“Exactly what she said, thank you.” Whitney adds appreciatively.

“You bet. Flag me down when Dreamboat gets here and I’ll put your usual food in…or let me know if you hear from her.” Sue replies and starts to walk away when Megan grabs her hand and pulls her back.

“What time are you getting off tonight?” Megan asks.

“Whatever time it is when I crawl into your bed tonight, darlin’.” Sue smiles devilishly.

“Oh my god, she’s dirtier than you are!” Whitney half laughs and half shrieks.

“And I fucking love the hell out of her for it.” Megan announces. “You are the Wingardium to my Leviosa, Sue Bird.” She puts her hand over her heart and pretends to swoon.

“Oh sweetie, we talked about saying Harry Potter stan things in public.” Sue scrunches her nose up teasingly.

“Let me live, hayseed. Besides, you love when I pull out the magic wand.” Megan waggles her eyebrows.

“You two were made for each other.” Whitney grimaces and shakes her head.

“Alright dork, give it a rest before poor Whit digs a hole through the floorboards and crawls into it.” Sue warns and gives Whitney an apologetic smile. “I really gotta go. Nachos will be out pretty quick!” She calls over her shoulder as she makes her way back to the bar.

“Holy hell, Megs…you two are…” Whitney looks at her knowingly, not even bothering to finish the statement. She almost can’t believe her childhood best friend has finally met her match in every way. Truth be told, she wasn’t sure anyone could hold a candle to Megan’s level of energy and sass.

“You have no idea.” Megan lets out a content little sigh. She’s about to ask Whit for her opinion on vacation destinations for the trip she’s planning to take with Sue in the spring, but Ashlyn comes bustling in before she can ask.

“Butch! Where the actual fuck have you been?!” Megan exclaims loudly.

“Sorry, sorry.” Ashlyn mumbles an apology as she takes off her coat. “You didn’t order yet?” She asks when she notices no food on the table.

“We were waiting for you.” Whit explains.

“Aw shit, really sorry. You should’ve ordered.” Ashlyn frowns and drops into her seat.

Megan and Whitney shoot each other a concerned look before Megan waves her hand wildly to get Sue’s attention. It only takes a few seconds before the bartender is giving her thumbs up with a relieved look on her face. “Hayseed is putting our usual order in and nachos are on the way, no worries. And we already got you a drink.” Megan informs Ashlyn and points to the double whiskey on the table.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn says softly and takes a long sip, enjoying the slight burn of the alcohol as she swallows.

“Did something come up at work after we left?” Whitney opts to start there even though she knows it’s unlikely. “You were in your office with the door closed almost all day and then you said you were right behind us when we left.”

“Nah, nothing new came up. I was back and forth over the phone with Kameryn today. Now that all the contracts are signed, she’s doing a presentation Friday afternoon for her team about our project and wanted my input putting it together. She thought it might be a great way to really introduce it to her staff more concretely and accomplish some initial brainstorming on it. Really hit the ground running so-to-speak.” Ashlyn partially explains her hermit-like behavior today. “And I did leave when you guys did, but I took a little time on the pier to just decompress for a minute. I should’ve sent a text, but I spaced on it.”

“No biggie. We were just getting a little worried, but all good.” Whitney reassures her and drops her questioning, seeing the clear look on Ashlyn’s face that tells her she is struggling today and knowing it’s usually better to let her bring it up on her own.

“Nope, apology not accepted.” Megan pipes right up and gets a surprised look from Ashlyn. “What? I’m hangry and I have no energy to wait you out until you tell us what is going on. Spill it before I start making a scene.”

“Or we could just go that route.” Whitney mumbles under her breath at Megan’s brash approach.

“There really isn’t much to tell. Friday is officially my last session with Ali and I’m just trying to hold my shit together until then. After that, who the fuck knows.” Ashlyn shrugs dejectedly.

Whitney waits to see if Megan is going to say anything given that she pushed this conversation to begin with, but the short-haired woman is just sitting there looking a bit stunned. “What happened at your session yesterday?” She speaks up for them.

“I put myself in the most vulnerable situation I could imagine with her and it was life changing. I honestly don’t even want to talk about it beyond that because I can’t do it any justice, but it was everything good that I could’ve ever possibly dreamed of. Exactly like Ali herself…a dream…just a perfect fucking dream that I can’t live in.” Ashlyn vents with a melancholy smile. “When it was over, everything clicked together and I could actually see the big picture she’s been helping me paint all along…the whole damn thing. And it’s a masterpiece…the harsh truth being that we both know that if we keep painting, we’re gonna fuck it up. So, it’s time to frame it and hang it…in museum where it belongs cause I can’t fucking touch it. I think that about sums it up.”

“Fuck Ash, I’m really fucking sorry. I mean, I’m happy about your session. Just…fuck…I’m an asshole.” Megan says apologetically, feeling awful now that she pressed her so hard.

“You’re not an asshole. We all knew this was coming, me especially. Fuck, I’m the one who chose to bring it to an end when I could have pushed for more sessions.” Ashlyn takes another long sip of her drink and scratches the back of her head. “If I don’t figure out how to move on, I’m dead in the water…with her or with anyone else. And if I don’t let go now, I never will. So, it’s time to let go while I still can. Doesn’t make it any easier just because it was my decision though, you know?”

“Of course not.” Whitney agrees and reaches over to hold Ashlyn’s hand supportively. “We’re here for anything you need. You know we’ve always got you, Sherlock.”

“I know.” Ashlyn gives her a little smile.

“What can we do to help in any way? For real, anything…name it.” Megan says resolutely. For as much as they tease each other and joke around, she’d walk through hell for Ashlyn a hundred times over.

“If you guys could just handle stuff at the office tomorrow and Friday that would be great. I think I covered just about everything with Kameryn today, so there shouldn’t be much going on. I just…I don’t even know what I’m hoping for with our last session together, and I don’t think that’s a good thing right now. I need to give myself time to think about it and set myself right.” Ashlyn voices the first thing that comes to mind.

“Done.” Whitney and Megan say in unison.

“Relax there, Olsen twins.” Ashlyn shakes her head at them with a little laugh.

“Awww, there’s my lil butchie smile that will warm even the coldest of nights.” Megan holds her hand to her heart playfully, making even Whitney crack a smile.

“I take it back, you’re definitely an asshole.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Obviously, but I’m the sexiest asshole you know, bitch!” Megan states proudly.

“Alright, alright before we start down the road of endless mocking, can we properly finish the conversation at hand.” Whitney cuts in. “Is there anything else we can do for you?” She looks at Ashlyn meaningfully.

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn thinks about it for a few seconds. “I guess maybe leave me alone on Saturday so I can wallow in my sorrow and cry my eyes out while maybe punching some holes in my walls. And then maybe drag my ass out on Sunday no matter how much I protest and also make me go to work on Monday. That’ll hopefully get me started on the right track.”

“Bitch, I will get your ass out of bed and out of your fancy ass penthouse with a crane if I have to.” Megan promises. “And don’t think I won’t do it. I’m butch as fuck and was born to operate heavy machinery.” She flexes her biceps for effect.

“Whatever you say, twerp.” Ashlyn smirks. “Look at those twiggy little arms, no wonder you’d need a crane to lift me.”

“You cut me real deep just now, butch…real deep.” Megan pretends to be offended.

“Good thing I have these guns to make up for twiggy over here.” Whitney flexes, showing off her rather impressive biceps. “I’ll lift you my damn self, Sherlock. Count on it.”

“Now that I believe.” Ashlyn chuckles just as the waitress comes over and sets down a large plate of nachos.

“Oh my god, yeeeessss! I was literally about to eat myself!” Megan exclaims and digs right in. “Of course, if I could actually do that…I wouldn’t really need Sue.” She says with a full-mouth and winks.

“Just when I think you can’t get any nastier, you somehow manage to.” Whitney scoffs. “Oh well, I’m too hungry to care right now.” She passes a small plate to Ashlyn.

“I wonder what Sue would think of that statement?” Ashlyn shoots Megan a playful look before glancing in Sue’s direction.

“Don’t even think about it.” Megan warns. “I LOVE YOU, HAYSEED!!!!” She yells loudly across the room just in case, giving Sue a thumbs up and making a show of eating the nachos enthusiastically to show her appreciation. She knows it was effective when Sue discretely blows her a kiss.

“I would never, but it’s so fun to watch you squirm.” Ashlyn snickers. “Sue is like the best thing that ever happened.”

“Second that!” Whitney chimes in.

“Well duh.” Megan just simply agrees before moving on. “Wow, you even eat nachos like an uptight little bitch.” She motions to Whitney who is using a fork. “Get your fucking hands dirty, woman!”

“Second that. Sorry Watson, but eating nachos with a fork should be illegal.” Ashlyn sides with Megan.

“Just for that, I’m gonna eat my hamburger with a fork and knife tonight. Suckers.” Whitney smiles in satisfaction.

At that, Ashlyn reaches over and grabs Whitney’s hand, shoving it into the nacho cheese. “There, problem solved.”

“Oh my god, I’m dead!” Megan doubles over laughing at the horrified look on Whitney’s face.

It only takes ten seconds for Whitney to recover and toss a nacho into Ashlyn’s drink. And another 30 seconds before Megan ends up with guacamole on her cheeks as payback for laughing at them, earning them a strange look from the waitress as she brings their food over. Ashlyn can only sit back with a smile at the whole scene, knowing that no matter how hard things get, moments like these with her friends will always be a life line.

\---

“You coming?” Whitney asks Ashlyn, standing up and putting on her coat.

“Ready.” Megan announces, walking back over from the bar after telling Sue she’d see her at home soon.

“You go ahead, I need to use the bathroom before I walk home.” Ashlyn tells them. “See you Sunday I guess.” She gives them a tight smile and gets up to hug them.

“I’ll be there with bells on…every loud ass gay bell I own!” Megan assures her.

“Greeeeat, can’t wait.” Ashlyn deadpans.

“Good luck, Ash. Love you so hard, butch.” Megan says more seriously as she hugs her tight, pulling back to kiss her cheek. “You got this.”

“Love you too, Pinoe.” Ashlyn says appreciatively.

“You know how this goes, Sherlock…any day, any time, for anything.” Whitney reminds her warmly as she hugs her.

“Oh I know that one! You just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I’ll come ruuuunning!” Ashlyn belts out the Carole King song in an attempt to lighten things a bit.

“Well if you’re gonna do that, you can forget about it!” Whitney lightly taps her arm. “I’m not going to pretend that it’ll be okay for a while, but we’ll get you there. You’re never alone.” She adds meaningfully.

“I know, Watson. Words can’t express how much I appreciate you.” Ashlyn says sweetly and hugs her one more time. “Get home safe and have a goodnight.” She gives the two of them a quick wave and makes her way to the bathroom.

By the time she’s done in the bathroom, Ashlyn realizes she doesn’t feel like going home quite yet. Instead she opts for one more drink and plops herself down at the bar which is fairly empty now that the earlier crowd has died down.

“Was the twerp’s company so bad tonight that you need a few shots before you go home?” Sue stops in front of Ashlyn’s seat as soon as she notices her at the bar.

“Something like that.” Ashlyn snickers. “I’ll have a Wild Turkey Decades.”

“Oh, ending the night on the classy side.” Sue comments at the high end whiskey choice and heads over to grab it from the locked cabinet behind the bar. By the time she turns around with the bottle, an attractive 20-something blonde with far too much cleavage has taken the seat next to Ashlyn and is already trying to make small talk. The move couldn’t be more obvious seeing as how the bar seats 25 people and only 9 of the seats are currently occupied with plenty of space in between them.

“There you go hottie, nothing but the best for you.” Sue noisily puts the tumbler down in front of Ashlyn and makes a show of pouring her drink before running her fingertips along Ashlyn’s hand.

Ashlyn smirks, catching on immediately. “Thanks, sexy. Maybe you can pour me another when we get home.” She flirts back.

“Hope you were just looking for some friendly company, cause this one’s mine.” Sue casually addresses the woman beside Ashlyn.

“Oh uh, I’m sorry…I didn’t realize…” The woman stutters an apology and turns red.

“All good.” Ashlyn assures her.

“Should’ve known.” The woman laughs at herself and just owns it. “Well, thanks for stopping me before I made a total idiot of myself. Have a goodnight.” She raises her beer towards Ashlyn and Sue before walking away and quickly settling down at a corner table where her friends are.

“Savage and brutal, Sue.” Ashlyn teases the bartender. “But I appreciate you majorly.” She adds with a chuckle.

“Buuurn.” Janice comments as she walks by them and gives Sue a thumbs up.

“Anytime. Besides, it was kinda fun to watch her deflate like a balloon in like two seconds flat.” Sue laughs. “So, ‘sexy’ huh? I need to keep you around, Dreamboat.” She adds with a smirk.

“Well, all us ‘hotties’ are good like that.” Ashlyn plays back and take a sip of her drink. “Thanks for this, what do I owe you?”

“On the house.” Sue waves her off.

“No way, this is like $50 worth of whiskey.” Ashlyn protests.

“Just keep paying my twerp the big bucks and we’ll be just fine.” Sue laughs.

“I can’t even put the words ‘sugar daddy’ and ‘Pinoe’ together without…” Ashlyn breaks out into a deep laugh that proves her point.

“Alright, alright. Enough bullshit. What’s going on with you, Dreamboat?” Sue asks pointedly as soon as Ashlyn’s laughter does down.

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn questions.

“You’ve looked distracted and down since you got here…well, except for when you creamed my girl with guacamole. Which was amazing by the way! Plus, you’re sitting at the bar drinking over-priced liquor after you clearly gave your girls the slip by going to bathroom so they didn’t know you were staying.” Sue says straightforwardly. “And don’t tell me ‘nothing’. I’m a bartender, which practically makes me a psychologist. So, welcome to our therapy session and start talking.” She leans on the bar and waits.

Ashlyn takes a long sip of her drink and looks around the bar to see that there isn’t anyone close enough to be in earshot. “I’m sure the twerp can just fill you in later tonight, but the gist of it is that my last session with Ali is on Friday…and I’m just all over the fucking place. A total clusterfuck really.” She says quietly.

“Well, fucking shit.” Sue frowns.

“Excellent summary.” Ashlyn agrees.

“And by all over the place you mean some mess of sad, happy, mad, grateful, and nervous among other things I’m sure.” Sue commiserates.

“Nailed it.” Ashlyn nods. “I’m lost for how I even want Friday to go…like what I should even say or do? I mean, what is there to say for a situation like this? Part of me wants it over with, part of me never wants it to end. Anyway, that’s making it so much worse right now.”

“Well look, I’m sure this whole thing with her is about as complicated as it gets, but just keep it simple.” Sue suggests thoughtfully. “You’re an amazingly spectacular person, and she’s in love with you… which tells me that she clearly knows that. So keep it simple Friday, but be unforgettable enough that the memory is never too far for her to recall. Easy to love, hard to break, impossible to forget. Know what I mean?”

“Yeah, but how on earth do I do that?” Ashlyn asks with a sigh and finishes her drink

“Be yourself, Dreamboat. Can’t go wrong with that.” Sue says easily and pours another shot of whiskey into Ashlyn’s glass. “Now drink that shit down and go home before you attract anymore leeches with that lesbian-magnet dimple.”

“Good plan.” Ashlyn downs the amber liquor in one big gulp. “Thanks for the drinks…and the assist with the leech…and for the good advice.”

“You bet. Good luck on Friday.” Sue gives her a sympathetic smile.

“You’re the best, I mean that.” Ashlyn nods and puts her coat on, giving Sue a little wave before heading out.

“Hey Dreamboat…” Sue calls out before Ashlyn gets too far and watches her turn around. “There’s a seat at my bar for you anytime.” She says kindly, making it clear that she’ll be there if Ashlyn needs her.

“Night, night sexy!” Ashlyn yells back with a smile that conveys her appreciation before blowing her a kiss.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh fuck, do I need to book a flight?” Syd answers the phone without even saying hello when she sees that it’s Ali. They’ve been texting off and on since just before Thanksgiving with Ali giving her basic updates, but the sudden call on a Wednesday night means something is up...and there’s pretty much only one thing right now that could be up.

“What?” Ali asks in confusion at the unexpected greeting.

“Are you ok? Did you bring things to an end with Ruby? I can be there tomorrow if you want, would that work?” Syd throws out concerned questions in rapid succession.

“Take it down like a million notches, will ya?” Ali says quickly, not needing anything else to amp her up at the moment.

“Sorry, what’s up Ali-gator?” Syd takes a breath and tries again.

“You guessed right on what I called to talk about, but it hasn’t officially ended yet and I don’t need you to book a flight.” Ali clarifies.

“Got it.” Syd replies simply and opts to just listen now.

“We’re wrapping up on Friday.” Ali’s voice squeaks as she says it.

“Fuck babes, I’m really sorry.” Syd says sympathetically.

“Thanks…it’s ok.” Ali sighs. “I mean, it’s not ok…but I guess it has to be ok.”

“M’kay and we’re already going in circles. How about we start with where your head is at with the whole thing?” Syd probes gently, trying to get to the bottom of why Ali called.

“Hmph, my head is in the right place, but my heart is…” Ali trails off. “I swear that hell is finding your person and having to let them go. I’m part happy, part sad, and mostly just flat out pissed off at the universe that it has to be like this.”

“I have no doubt. I can’t even imagine.” Syd commiserates. “Not to be a total bitch, but you do realize that you hold the power to change it, right? Like you’re the one that can say ‘fuck it’ and just accept the consequences so you can be with her.” She gives it to her straight like always.

“Ugggh, it’s not that simple! Don’t you think if it was that fucking easy that I would have already done it?!” Ali can’t help but yell, the anger and sadness mixing together and boiling over. “This isn’t about just giving up my career…fuck my fucking career. She’s actually more important than that to me. I’m her fucking therapist and no matter how badly I want to escape that, I can’t right now!”

“Woah Als, sorry. Just…take a breath for a sec.” Syd is stunned at the outburst. Ali has never screamed at her like this.

“Think for a minute what it would be like to fall in love with and date your gynecologist, Syd. And then…maybe then, you can begin to have the slightest of clues.” Ali ignores her and keeps going. “For real, do you think that relationship would be healthy? How long do you think it would last? Would it really be worth fucking up both of your lives for? And this is like a thousand times more complicated than that.”

“Jesus, ok.” Syd relents, but Ali just keeps yelling.

“And I don’t even care if my life gets fucked up. I care that hers does! Cause I’d rather her be happy without me than end up hurt by me when we inevitably realize our relationship doesn’t work the same when we’re not contained by the therapy box.” Ali pauses at realizing how much she’s shaking.

“Ali ok, I really do see it now. I’m sorry. I knew this was convoluted, but I guess I didn’t think about it like that. I’m sorry I pushed you.” Syd apologizes sincerely, the two of them quiet for a few seconds. “I guess I keep going back to that Mark guy. It could work someday, right? Like when you’re far enough away from the therapy box to rebuild something in a new way?”

“I’m not saying it couldn’t. You know that.” Ali lets out a long breath. “She’s the most amazing person Syd, she’ll move on and find someone just as amazing. That’s just how life works most of the time.”

“And what if life doesn’t work that way this time?” Syd feels like she can press just a little now.

“That’s the fun catch.” Ali says sarcastically. “If we don’t make a clean break from therapy and move on with our lives, then we’ll never actually get out of the therapy box enough to even have that chance down the road. And us both moving on makes the chance of ever coming back to each other beyond slim. Is that what you think I should be pinning my hope to?”

“No, that’s stupid.” Syd agrees with greater clarity. “My heart is legit crying for you right now. I want to reassure you, babes…I just, I don’t know how to. I either cheer you on for something you don’t want to do or cheer you on for something you can’t do. It’s impossible.”

“Now you know how I feel.” Ali’s voice is tiny, the anger starting to dissipate and everything just hurting inside now. “How do I get across to the only person that I’ve ever loved with my whole damn self exactly how much she means to me and that I truly wish I didn’t have to let her go? And how on earth do I say goodbye? I keep trying, but I can’t answer those questions.”

“And that’s why you called.” Syd replies softly. “Look, I think it’s best for me to book a flight. It’s no trouble for me to come into town earlier and just work from NYC. And then Dom can join me closer to Christmas. If all I can do is be there for you, then I’ll be there.”

“No, please don’t.” Ali appeals to her. “I’m going to need you and Heather more than anything, but the truth is that the second you two get here…I’ll have no choice but to really process it. I still have clients that are relying on me and deserve my full focus. I can’t afford to crumble before my holiday time off.”

“Well I don’t like this plan of you bottling it all up and pretending like you’re fine, but I hear you.” Syd reluctantly lets it go, knowing it’ll be less than two weeks before she’s there.

“Can I just ask, what would you do Friday if you were me?” Ali gets right down to the purpose of this call, her brain swirling endlessly and scrambling to get some perspective.

Syd thinks it over for a minute before giving the best advice she can. “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always generally lived by rules and routine, especially as a therapist. And it’s worked for you. So, I think maybe try and stay with what has always worked for you and don’t make it harder on yourself. I mean, you said in your text last week that she was the one who decided to bring things to an end. She’s clearly in some kind of self-preservation mode, and you should be too.”

“Yeah.” Ali considers it. “I really can’t treat her like every other client though and leave it at that, there’s no way. It would kill me.”

“Well, duh.” Syd says with a hint of sass. “I just mean keep to the boundaries you’ve set with her and don’t overdo the parting aspects with extra stuff. Keep it simple and routine unless there are little places where it really counts or means something to you… those are the little places you should deviate. Don’t break your heart in trying not to break hers. Make sense?”

“Actually, yeah.” Ali feels like it’s somewhere to start.

“As for the goodbye thing…” Syd pauses for effect. “If you actually utter the word goodbye to that woman, bitch I will smack you three times myself as soon as I see you! You are already closing the damn door, there’s no need to nail it shut. You hear me?”

“Easy there, I hear you.” Ali slightly giggles.

“Alexandra Blaire Krieger…” Syd uses her full name to make sure Ali knows she means business.

“I promise I won’t say goodbye.” Ali concedes.

“Good girl.” Syd praises her. “I hate that I’m not there with you.”

“You will be soon enough. I’ll make it until then, count on it.” Ali reassures her.

“I know you will. Just take care of yourself, ok? Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re doing the best thing you can for both you and her.” Syd encourages.

“Thanks. Sorry I flipped like that, I guess I just really need to let that out.” Ali says ruefully.

“You exploded like a fucking egg in a microwave, honey.” Syd laughs. “Glad I could be your microwave though. It was my bad for getting you all heated.”

“I should try to sleep. Thanks for being here tonight, you’re my bestest. Love you, queen bee.” Ali replies, her voice sounding as exhausted as she feels.

“Love you too, Ali-gator. I’m always here, call anytime. And tell me if you change your mind, I can be there in less than 24hrs.” Syd reminds her. “Take care and make sure you rest.”

“I will, night night.” Ali hangs up and falls back onto the couch, letting out one more long groan. She stares up at the ceiling and thinks over what Syd said. Part of what had thrown her over the edge tonight was her frustration about what she should get Ashlyn… she always gets her clients the same metaphor-based gift at the end of therapy. She has already spent hours debating on whether she should get Ashlyn something different, but Syd made a good point about not deviating unnecessarily. If nothing else, she now knows she’s going to the same store as usual tomorrow and it’s enough to settle her mind a bit.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Keep it simple. Be yourself. Be unforgettable. Easy to love, hard to break, impossible to forget. _Sue’s words run through Ashlyn’s head on repeat as she walks home from the bar, her brain working overtime to figure out how she can possibly check off all those boxes. She’s two blocks from home when it hits her and she breaks off into a run, desperate to get started. She barely says hello to Marco the security guard as she jogs right over to the elevator and taps her foot anxiously as it gets up to the penthouse. Her coat gets haphazardly tossed onto the stairs as she makes her way right up to her home office and settles in front of her computer.

_This is what you do best with all your heart. _She cracks her knuckles and gets to work on being memorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Anything surprise you about how these two are feeling going into the last session?  
2\. Are you ready?
> 
> *I'll be keeping you all posted on chapter updates/progress on Twitter (InkedWrite11), so you can always check there for updates as I recover*


	37. Free in You (Session 16)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well shit, here we are at the last therapy session. So, get the tissues and remember that after this comes the first step on the path that leads them back to each other. Deep breath and go...
> 
> Let me know what you're thinking (cause I'm dying to know)!
> 
> ***I'm not sure exactly when the next update will be. You're all caught up to me now and I haven't been able to write yet post-surgery. I'll keep you all posted and as updated as I can about timing on Twitter (InkedWrite11).***

Session 16 - Free in You

It’s almost 5pm on Thursday by the time Ashlyn pushes herself back from her desk and rubs her eyes, looking over at the clock and letting out a long breath. She’s still in the same work clothes from yesterday and has only gotten up twice to pee and grab coffee in the last 19 hours; her last meal the one she ate with Pinoe and Whit at the bar. She hasn’t slept since Tuesday night when she fell asleep to Ali’s warm skin against her own, her vision now blurry after being glued to the computer screen for far too long. Her fingers are stiff from typing and her stomach has been hungrily grumbling for hours. But it’s done…it’s done, and she’s pleased with it.

Both her knees and her back crack loudly when she gets up from her chair and stretches her body a bit. She grabs her phone and types a quick text to Ali before heading downstairs to the kitchen. She selects one of her favorite prepped meals that Parker made from the refrigerator and heats it in the microwave, hoping that it’ll keep her up long enough to get a reply from Ali before her eyes slam shut from exhaustion.

\----

Ali stands in the small hardware store looking over her options one more time as the takeout burrito bowl she picked up on the way grows colder in the bag in her hand. She had planned to come in and quickly grab what she needed, but now she’s been staring at the display in front of her for a solid fifteen minutes. Just as she had reached for the simple silver one she usually gets, a lone black and gold one sitting on the lower shelf had caught her eye and immediately reminded her of Ashlyn…stylish and a little flashy, but still clean and classic.

_You’re being ridiculous, just pick one…it’s not that deep. _The purpose and metaphor behind it is exactly the same no matter what it looks like. Still, she’s drawn to that $20 more expensive black and gold one for some damn reason she can’t explain. She thinks back to what Syd said about deviating in the places that matter. Although she has no idea why this seems to matter, because it absolutely shouldn’t, she finally relents and grabs the black and gold one. She can’t help but smile and shake her head at herself as she pays for it and looks at it one more time. _Just like Ashlyn herself, irresistible._

She’s just walking in the door of her condo and tossing her keys on the entrance table when she feels her phone vibrate with a text.

_Ashlyn: No pressure at all and I understand if you can’t do extra time, but I’d love to have you over as early as you can tomorrow. Any time at all, I’ll be home._

Ali smiles as her heartrate picks up, looking at her phone calendar even though she already knows exactly what her schedule is like for tomorrow.

_Alex Krieger: Thought you’d never ask :-) I can be there by 12pm._

Her heart continues to thrum steadily while she waits the two minutes it takes to get a reply, only for it to pound harder when she reads the simply truthful message.

_Ashlyn: I love you so much, Alexandra. More than…_

_Alex Krieger: …literally fucking everything. I love you too, Ashlyn._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ashlyn puts the finishing touches on lunch, done early because she opted to make them something really light. She’s not actually hungry and guesses that Ali probably won’t be either, but she knows they’ll get so wrapped up in each other that they’ll forgo eating unless one of them presses the issue. Today will take every ounce of energy they have and eating is just a good idea despite the lack of appetite.

She walks over to the window and takes a deep breath, leaving frost on the glass when she exhales. The weather couldn’t be any more fitting. It’s cloudy and cold, making it hard to see the city below through the condensed vapor in the air. Soft snowflakes are swirling through the sky, the late autumn snowstorm just beginning. It’s dreary, but beautiful…a contrast she can easily connect with right now.

The ringing of the wall phone makes her jump and she rushes right over to give the security desk the go-ahead to let Ali up. She lets out a couple deep breaths as the whir of the elevator gets louder and eventually comes to a stop. The smile stretches across her face uncontrollably the second the door slides open and she lays eyes on Ali.

“You are the most beautiful thing to ever walk off this elevator and I’m going to miss it in ways I can’t express.” Ashlyn says softly as she approaches Ali and kisses her sweetly.

“And I see we’re already spiraling.” Ali gives her a tight smile and leans in for another kiss. “In that case…I’m going to miss the unrivaled way you look at me and greet me when I get off this elevator. And how you always smell like heaven.” She buries face into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck and takes a minute to really breathe her in. “Hi, angel.”

“Hi, sweetheart. Thanks for getting here early.” Ashlyn pulls back to look at the brunette, finding her whiskey eyes loving but sad. Still, she holds their gaze, making good on the promise she made to herself that she won’t shy away from a single second of their time together today even if it hurts.

Ashlyn hugs the brunette tight one more time before helping her take off her coat. She smiles at the way Ali is dressed just like she is, in cozy sweats, completely unplanned. “Despite that god awful hoodie, you look adorable and also stunning as always.” Ashlyn teasingly cringes and motions to Ali’s gray hoodie emblazoned with ‘Harvard’ across the chest in large crimson print. “Cannot believe you wore that.”

“And miss seeing that look on your face? No way, Stanford.” Ali sasses back. “No one will ever make sweats look as good as you do, so I needed something to set me apart.” She runs her hand along Ashlyn’s soft, black sweatshirt. “Does this mean that first on the list is to cuddle you? Cause I’m all over that.” She gives her a nose crinkling smile, wanting nothing more than to plant herself in this woman’s lap and never let go.

“Absolutely on my agenda. But I actually thought we should eat first.” Ashlyn suggests. “If you want to, that is. I made a really light quinoa salad that we have a decent chance at being able to choke down.”

“Glad to know I’m not alone on the slightly queasy stomach bus.” Ali entwines their fingers and gives Ashlyn’s hand a squeeze. “Food is a good call and that salad actually sounds perfect.”

Ashlyn nods and leads them over to the already set table. “Sparkling water as usual?” She asks as she heads to the fridge.

“Yes please.” Ali settles into a seat at the table. “Thank you, this looks really good.” She adds as Ashlyn hands her the bottle of water. They sit quietly for a minute and she finds herself so on edge, glancing over to see that Ashlyn looks to be in the same state, neither of them eating. “Can I ask…” She starts before she even has a question in mind. “Just…what are you feeling right now?”

“Overwhelmed.” Ashlyn answers without hesitation. “Like I have so much I want to say and no way to possibly say it, but I don’t want to not say it. And what can either of us possibly say that will make this any better?” She shakes her head at how absurd it sounds. “God, I’m a fucking wreck. You?”

“Same.” Ali sighs. “Maybe we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves unnecessarily.” She thinks out loud. “I know there’s an enormity and deep gravity about today that feels impossible to get a handle on… but we always seem to feel each other, right?”

“In ways I’ll never comprehend…yeah.” Ashlyn agrees.

“Then let’s rely on that and take some of the weight off our shoulders.” Ali offers up. “Just feel me…and I’ll feel you. And we’ll try not worry so much about what gets said or not said. Maybe that’s all we need.”

“Ok. That’s good, I can do that.” Ashlyn reaches for Ali’s cheek, pulling her in for a quick kiss. “Come on, let’s try to eat.” She gets a nod from the brunette and pecks her one more time before turning to her food.

“Oh shit!” Ali yelps as she opens her bottle of sparking water and it sprays all over her shirt.

“Oops.” Ashlyn jumps up and grabs the nearby paper towels on the counter, already working to try and dry some of it.

“You totally shook the bottle!” Ali playfully points a finger at Ashlyn even as she starts giggling.

“I swear I didn’t!” Ashlyn puts her hands up innocently, but can’t help cracking up laughing at the state of Ali’s now soaked hoodie. “This is fucking amazing and I actually wish I could take credit for nailing Harvard with the tidal wave of the century, but purely accidental.”

“You’re losing points at rapid speed and are just about at zero, Ash.” Ali mock glares at her and dries off her hands, still unable to hold back her own laughter.

“Here, I’ll hang it up in the laundry room and it’ll be dry by the time you leave.” Ashlyn offers kindly and helps the brunette take her hoodie off. “I’ll get you a sweatshirt of mine to wear.”

“That’s ok, my t-shirt will be fine.” Ali waves her off.

“No way, it’s chilly in here today. Be right back.” Ashlyn insists and heads right up the stairs, returning in no time.

“You are the worst.” Ali says with her mouth slightly open in disbelief when Ashlyn comes back downstairs and hands her a hoodie that looks almost identical her own only that it has ‘Stanford’ printed across the front.

“Oh my god, your face right now.” Ashlyn guffaws. “Sorry Harvard, but only Stanford is open for business after the great flood.” She can’t contain herself.

“Alright, ok.” Ali nods deviously and slips the hoodie over her head. “No problem at all. Let’s see if Stanford can survive the great food fight of the century.” She says with a vindictive look, teasingly holding a piece of avocado from her salad near the front of the hoodie.

“You wouldn’t.” Ashlyn challenges.

“Try me.” Ali challenges devilishly. “Not looking so confident now are we, Harvard of the west?” Before she can move the avocado any closer, Ashlyn quickly swipes it out of her hand and straddles her lap to keep her from grabbing any more food.

“Too slow.” Ashlyn barely manages to smirk before Ali is pulling her down into a long passionate kiss that takes her breath away.

“I love this…with you. I love you.” Ali mumbles as she breaks the kiss and trails down, burying her face into the crook of the woman’s neck again.

“I love you too.” Ashlyn pulls back and finds Ali’s eyes. “Sorry not sorry about your hoodie…you look really fucking good in my clothes.”

“Duh. Harvard will always make Stanford look better than it could ever be on its own.” Ali sasses, feeling some lightness settle between them for the moment. “It smells like you and I like it…even if this lettering is hideous.” She throws in one last zinger and melts at Ashlyn’s little laugh.

“Should I get you a bib just to be safe?” Ashlyn teases as she gets off Ali’s lap and settles back into her chair.

“Nah, I can handle it. I don’t plan to wear it long anyway.” Ali winks at her.

“And I believe we’ve reached a compromise.” Ashlyn digs into her food with a satisfied grin.

\----

“That was a perfect little power-up meal.” Ali remarks as she finishes clearing the table while Ashlyn quickly puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. “For lack of a better word, I feel more prepared now.”

“Yeeew, watch out now!” Ashlyn jokes from the kitchen. “Should I be scared?”

Ali just smiles and doesn’t answer, walking over and taking Ashlyn’s hand. “Come here, Stanford.” She tugs the woman over to the living room area and then stands a few feet away from her.

“What exactly are we doing?” Ashlyn cocks her head to the side, trying to figure out why Ali has put space between them and is being so cryptic.

“Bringing things full circle.” Ali explains simply. “Now strip.”

“Christ, should’ve known.” Ashlyn chuckles, her mind going right back to how she was so nervous the first time they did this. And still, as she watches the brunette pull off her top, that same exact flutter spreads across her chest and into her stomach…only this time she can appreciate it for what it actually is. _Love._ Unconditional love rooted in honesty, trust, mutual understanding and respect. She can only stand there in awe as Ali sheds rest of her clothes. _You will never see anything more perfect than her. Take it in and don’t you ever forget. _Her eyes scan the beauty in front of her, willing herself to commit every little detail to memory.

Ali watches Ashlyn stand there looking her up and down, giving the woman a few seconds before she pipes up. “Did you forget how this works?” She asks playfully, motioning to all the clothes Ashlyn is still wearing.

“Sorry, got a little caught up.” Ashlyn confesses and starts working her clothes off.

“No need for any apologies when you’re looking at me like that.” Ali replies, her own eyes already glued to the woman’s chest. _Gorgeous…how am I ever going to get myself not to compare everyone else to her after this?_

“Do I get to love on those amazing power thighs now?” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows.

“Maybe after…but first we have an important order of business to attend to.” Ali stays on task and sees hazel eyes look at her expectantly. “During our first session, we were supposed to go over our least favorite physical aspects of each other. I said I’d come back to it once the novelty wore off…it’s time.”

Ashlyn groans immediately. “Trust me beautiful, the novelty definitely hasn’t worn off_.” Pretty sure it never will._

“I hear you.” Ali giggles slightly, admittedly still just as captivated by Ashlyn’s body as the first time if not more so. “Still, it’s an important exercise in being honest even about the things we think might offend each other and being open about it together. It’s not meant to be harsh.”

“But what if I don’t have something I don’t like about you?” Ashlyn half whines.

“Wording, babe. I said least favorite. I think when you really connect to someone, you find that you like things about them that you often dislike about other people…because it somehow rounds that person out in a positive way if that makes sense.” Ali gets a nod. “So, let’s go with least favorite. Still a favorite, but less of one. Ok?”

“Ok.” Ashlyn relents and tries to come up with something.

“Your head looks like it’s gonna explode, Ash.” Ali says in amusement after Ashlyn stands there for a solid minute quietly looking at her like she’s an unsolvable math problem.

“This is hard!” Ashlyn exclaims.

“You really won’t offend me. I’ve been told my boobs are too small, my thighs are too big, my nose is kinda funny, oh and one person said my ears weren’t symmetrical.” Ali laughs.

“Out of their fucking minds, all of them.” Ashlyn says staunchly.

“Well thank you…but, you’re stalling.” Ali calls her out.

“I need more time. Can you just go first?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

“You are so lucky I coddle you.” Ali shakes her head with a smile.

“Do your worst, baby.” Ashlyn feels more relieved now that she’s temporarily off the hook.

“You have pretty much no ass, Stanford. It totally fits your long and lean body type which I love, but I’ll admit that I wouldn’t mind a little more cheek to hold onto in certain moments.” Ali says nonchalantly with a shrug.

“Gotta work on those glutes.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Nope, still love it just the way it is. Besides, if you work those glutes too much, you might lose that perfect little butt dimple that I’m head over heels for.” Ali doesn’t hold back.

“I have an ass dimple?!” Ashlyn asks in surprise.

“You don’t know that you have a butt dimple? Really?” Ali can’t believe it, but the expression on Ashlyn’s face reflects that she truly doesn’t. “Oh my god, how do you not know that?!”

“I don’t exactly spend time looking at my own ass, Al.” Ashlyn twists herself to try and look.

“It’s slight, but it’s right here.” Ali walks over and presses the tiny indent on Ashlyn’s upper left butt cheek. “Left side, just like the perfect one on your face. You have matching single dimples, you sexy beast.”

“No shit, who knew?” Ashlyn reaches back and touches it with her hand, but even then can barely feel it. “Really slight, how did you even notice that?”

“Well I did get an up close view last time.” Ali gives her a playful look. “By the way, it’s way more prominent when your butt is up and your back is arched.”

_Jesus fuck._ Ashlyn can’t stop herself from picturing the intensely vulnerable and erotic sex they had on Tuesday, feeling herself stir at just the thought. “Very subtle, Harvard.” She leans in for a kiss.

“Don’t distract me from the fact that it’s your turn.” Ali smiles against her lips and steals one more kiss before pulling away and stepping back.

“Totally unfair to put my mind in the gutter and expect me to focus.” Ashlyn pouts.

“No excuses, Stanford…get to it.” Ali demands.

“Alright, this better be good enough cause it’s all I’ve got.” Ashlyn prefaces before saying the only thing that comes to mind. “Your second toes are really long…long enough that I totally Googled it once because I’d never seen them be that much longer than the big toe and was curious.”

“I can’t believe you Googled my raptor toe!” Ali puts her hand over her mouth and bursts out laughing.

“It has a name?!” Ashlyn replies back incredulously.

“That’s what my brother and Brian used to call it when they knew it drove me crazy, but then I got over it and just owned it.” Ali explains between giggles.

“Well you should, it’s actually really cute despite being odd.” Ashlyn says reassuringly. “Raptor toe, that’s harsh.” She shakes her head at the nickname.

“Eh, I brought it on myself cause I used to be so obsessed about it and just brought attention to it. I actually asked my doctor when I was like 15 if there was a surgical procedure to shorten it. She so nicely explained to me that it was actually pretty common and that was the start of me getting over it.” Ali reveals.

“Oh, baby. Your raptor toe is star! Don’t you ever censor its creative expression!” Ashlyn replies mirthfully.

“Except now I feel like I need further education...what exactly does Google say about my toe?” Ali asks curiously.

“Your doc was right, it’s fairly common. And some very unscientific personality analysis reveals that people with longer second toes are born leaders who are energetic, resourceful, and stand up for what they believe in.” Ashlyn tells her. “Sounds perfectly accurate to me.” She adds sweetly.

“Well that settles that.” Ali smiles.

“Settles what?” Ashlyn asks a bit befuddled.

“You pointed out my raptor toe and I’m still crazy about you.” Ali wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s waist and captures her lips.

“This tiny, single-dimpled ass is crazy about you too, sweetheart.” Ashlyn tugs the brunette’s lower lip with her mouth before kissing her face a few times. “Have we successfully completed this exercise yet?” She talks near Ali’s ear as she drags her hands along her thighs and hips.

“Yep, you passed with flying colors.” Ali gives her a nose crinkling grin.

“I’d accept nothing less of myself.” Ashlyn pulls back enough to find her eyes. “Wanna go out in the snow with me?” She asks spontaneously, her eyes darting to the outdoor balcony that is now completely white with a light coating of snow.

“I’ll do anything with you.” Ali answers matter-of-factly. “I know you just want me to wear that damn hoodie again.” She accuses with playfully narrowed eyes.

“She catches on quick!” Ashlyn laughs and picks the Stanford hoodie up off the floor, tossing it in the brunette’s direction and grabbing her own clothes.

\---

“So, what deep conversation did you want to have?” Ali finally asks, tilting her head back into Ashlyn whose arms are wrapped around her from behind. They’ve been standing at the railing of the balcony for ten minutes now, quietly watching the snowflakes drift down to the city below.

“Hmm?” Ashlyn hums in confusion.

“I figured if we came out here, you probably wanted to talk about something.” Ali clarifies.

“Oh, no…wasn’t that.” Ashlyn presses her cheek against the brunette’s. “The snow…it’s so damn beautiful and I always want to like it. But it’s sooo fucking cold and I kinda hate it.” Ashlyn laughs softly.

“Hence my shock that you asked me to come out here.” Ali giggles and turns in the woman’s arms to face her.

“I just figured if there was ever a chance for me to love snow, it would be with you.” Ashlyn expresses sincerely.

“That’s so sweet.” Ali kisses her nose. “This wasn’t the best idea though…”

“Why not?” Ashlyn asks in concern.

“Cause I really can’t help myself when I’m around snow…” Ali watches Ashlyn’s brow furrow while discretely dragging her hand along the balcony rail to gather some snow in her palm. “I try to resist, but I just have to…” She takes the now decently formed snowball in her hand and plops it against the back of Ashlyn’s neck with a cheerful little squeal.

Ashlyn’s mouth drops open in surprise, letting out a little yelp when her brain catches up. “Aleeex!” She yells incredulously as the brunette is doubled over laughing. “Oh, it is on now! You just played with fire, Harvard!” She picks Ali right up off her feet and tosses her down on the outdoor chaise that has about an inch of snow on it…the fluffy flakes puffing up into the air as the brunette thuds down onto the pillowed surface.

“Eaaaeeeek!” Ali half screeches half laughs as snow gets up under the back of the hoodie. She yanks Ashlyn down on top of her and shoves a handful of snow up the back of her sweatshirt to get even again.

“Ok, mercy! Motherfucker, so cold!” Ashlyn exclaims with a shiver, nuzzling her cold nose into Ali’s neck.

“Told you this was bad idea.” Ali snickers. “I have an older brother, we take no prisoners in snow war.”

“Well you’re brutal…” Ashlyn admits. “But it was definitely a good idea. The snow is beautiful, and you’re even more beautiful. And yeah, it’s really fucking cold and I’ll probably still hate it another day...but I love the snow today with you, and I love you most of all. Done and done, I win.” She kisses Ali slow and deep, so caught up that all she feels is warmth and tingle despite laying in a pile of slush.

_Just when I think she can’t get any more romantic. _Ali’s chest feels like it might explode when they finally break the kiss and hold each other’s gaze. “You really mean everything to me.” Ali says emotionally, using her thumb to wipe the little beads of water gathered on Ashlyn’s eyebrows from the melting snowflakes that keep falling on them.

“Please don’t cry.” Ashlyn whispers at seeing the brunette’s eyes get glassy. “If you cry, I’m gonna…” She doesn’t finish the sentence and just lets out a deep breath. “I don’t want to cry when I’m so happy to be with you. I’ll…I’ll cry later while my damn heart bleeds out. Just not now. Not when I can smile with you, and laugh with you, and kiss you, and love you with my whole being, and feel invincible with you in my arms.”

Ali closes her eyes for a second and nods, giving herself time to get composed. “No crying.” She eventually agrees and holds Ashlyn’s face gently in her hands. “I’m so happy to be with you too… never more content and at peace than right here.” She kisses her sweetly. _And at home, I always feel home with you._

They stay locked onto each other’s eyes for a few minutes, leaning in for little kisses every so often, until Ali breaks the silence with what is on her mind. “Ash, can I give you some advice?”

“Of course.” Ashlyn replies with intrigue.

“I just want you to be ok. That’s all I want.” Ali prefaces and gives some context. “My mom once gave me this advice when I was a teenager and I’ve always kept it to myself for some selfish reason, but it was really good advice. And maybe if you remember it…I just hope it can help you find your way to being ok.”

“I promise to remember it then.” Ashlyn assures her and waits.

“It’s that this is the most valuable real estate you will ever own.” Ali brushes her thumb across Ashlyn’s forehead and moves to press her palm to the woman’s chest. “Your mind and your heart. And nobody should ever get to stay there rent free. If they don’t bring you love, money, friendship, happiness, or at the very least a really good orgasm…don’t let them occupy those spaces, evict them.” She repeats the wise words in the same way her mother once did.

“You’re right, that’s damn good advice.” Ashlyn smiles. “And wow, if any parental figure actually gave me that advice with the orgasm part in there, I probably would have turned a million shades of red.”

“Please, that was so beyond tame. When I said my Mom was open and even overbearing about all things sex, I really wasn’t kidding.” Ali snickers. “On my prom night she sat Brian and I down completely unprompted and went into this diatribe about how experimenting with anal sex is totally fine, but that it really should be done responsibly over time with the aid of a butt plug and lots of lube because...and I quote, ‘anal fissures are no joke’.”

“Oh my fucking god, I would have died right there on the spot.” Ashlyn’s mouth hangs open. “Holy shit.”

“Yep, she was next level.” Ali shakes her head. “But she always meant well and she really did have great insight and solid advice.”

“I have no doubt she was wonderful as you.” Ashlyn kisses her forehead and hugs her close again, her mind processing the advice Ali gave her and what she knows about the brunette’s parents. “Can I maybe give you some advice too?” She asks gently.

“I’d like that.” Ali finds green swirled hazel again, ever enamored by the way Ashlyn never just takes, but always gives something back even in the littlest of ways.

“Because of where I grew up, there was never any point in hiding myself. Everyone talked and they all knew what happened to me…everyone knew I had these scars. So as much as I always hated the way people looked at me, after a while I didn’t bother to hide it. Because the curiosity of them wanting to see was worse to me than the pity I saw once they did see.” Ashlyn explains. “And obviously you’ve gotten to know me at a low point and also in the middle of a very chilly NYC fall, but I really don’t hide my damage. When it’s warm, I wear tank tops and bikini tops at the beach and I own it as best as I can even though some part of me is always a little self-conscious even now. That’s also in part why my tattoos mean so much to me, they encourage me to show and express my skin artistically in a way that feels empowering to me.”

“I really admire that.” Ali strokes Ashlyn’s cheek with her thumb and keeps listening.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn gives her a little smile before continuing. “I guess the point is that even though not everyone gets the deep backstory or even any backstory at all sometimes, they still get to see that I’ve been through something hard. And how they treat me based on that gives me some better vision into who they are. It’s hard and I might not always like what I see, but I’m always thankful for being able to see. Do you know where I’m going with this?”

“I’m not really sure.” Ali tries to understand what the larger purpose of it is.

“With both your parents, you went through something horrific that so few people can begin to understand. It has shaped you in so many ways, just like my experiences have shaped me. But I’ve learned from you that so few people in your life ever get to see even the slightest hint of it. Nobody knows unless you tell them…and how can they even begin to know you properly if you don’t tell them?” Ashlyn tries to bring it together. “I’ve never really had the option to hide my scars, but you do and you hide them way too well. So, I’m giving you the advice to show your scars. Like I said, not everyone gets the privilege of the deep backstory…but try to give a few more people the chance to know some kind of story. Give them the opportunity to see you enough to be able to impress you or disappoint you. Don’t be so afraid to reveal the difficult parts of the amazing person you are. So yeah…show your scars more, that’s it.”

Ali swallows hard around the lump in her throat. “Promise I’ll try harder, and it’ll be completely inspired by you. You’re amazing…so damn beautiful in every way.” It’s all she can manage as she tries not cry again, kissing the woman for all she’s worth.

“I’m also really fucking cold.” Ashlyn breaks the moment when their lips eventually part, her hands practically numb now.

“Ok Florida girl, let’s go in.” Ali giggles. “But not before…” she bites her lip and presses another clump of snow against the back of Ashlyn’s neck with a loud chortle even as Ashlyn yelps again. “Sorry not sorry! You were warned!” She quickly jumps up and heads inside before Ashlyn can retaliate.

\---

“The least you can do is warm me up.” Ashlyn pouts as she pulls Ali close and slides her very cold hands up the back of the brunette’s hoodie and against her skin.

“Ahhh, your hands are fucking freezing!” Ali cackles.

“Sorry not sorry. You were warned.” Ashlyn smirks with satisfaction.

“I deserved that.” Ali concedes and holds Ashlyn a little closer, dropping her head onto the woman’s shoulder as the two of them just stand there near the living room area.

“You’re so warm.” Ashlyn whispers, her hands moving almost imperceptibly along Ali’s lower back. She closes her eyes and breathes in her scent, her attention honed into the way she can feel the brunette’s heartbeat against her chest. It will never be lost on her how perfectly Ali fits against her body, the complete ease she feels when the brunette is close even in the most difficult moments. _Like breathing by the ocean. I can always breathe better with you here. _“Dance with me?” The words are out of her mouth before she can fully think on them.

“Anytime, my love.” Ali lifts her head and finds her eyes. “Pick us a song.”

_Oh my god. _Ashlyn’s heart thunders as hard as it ever has, everything washing over her at once. _My love._ She’s caught up in those two possessive words again, lost in the fiery and loving whiskey gaze, taken completely by how beautiful the brunette is even despite looking somewhat disheveled and damp from being out in the snow. _Nothing compares to this…what you’ve always wanted, how you always hoped it would feel. Is it too much? _Ashlyn bites her lip, torn between what her brain tells her is irrational and what both her heart and gut have agreed feels totally right.

“Hey Ash…breathe.” Ali gently holds Ashlyn’s face, sensing some kind of inner turmoil even though the woman is looking at her like she’s truly a miracle. She places a feather light kiss on Ashlyn’s lips, hoping to break through whatever is happening.

Ali’s sweet voice and the touch of her lips pulls away the final hesitation that Ashlyn now realizes was rooted in nothing more than the knowledge that she’ll be letting go at the end of this meaningful moment rather than holding on for a lifetime the way she had expected to. _This is the feeling, this is your moment…the outcome and the future changes neither of those things. It’s her and it’s this moment. _Her voice comes out clear and strong with her mind, heart, and gut in harmonious unison. “Google, play ‘Free in You’ by the Indigo Girls.” As it has several times now on this journey, something inside immediately breaks free and she can only smile widely.

Ali giggles at the choice of song and the goofy grin on Ashlyn’s face. “Should’ve known you wouldn’t overlook my Indigo Girls fangirl status.” She says playfully, only to be met with Ashlyn’s finger on her lips paired with an expression on the woman’s face that instantly melts her into a puddle even though she has no idea how to interpret it.

“Shhh.” Ashlyn gently puts her finger over Ali’s lips with a soft smile and watery eyes, understanding that the brunette can’t possibly know the depth of what this means yet. “I picked it for me.” She whispers in vague explanation and begins to slowly sway them as the songs starts.

_A hard knock_

_A cold clock ticking off my time_

_A long look_

_But no luck, couldn't seem to find_

_Or unwind into peace of mind_

_Though I was trying_

_A quick glance_

_A big chance, my heart beat like a drum_

_I saw you_

_And I knew chances just don't come_

_Round again_

_Not like this_

_First a laugh_

_Then the kiss_

_And I'm free in you_

_I've got no worries on my mind_

_I know what to do_

_That's to treat you right and love you kind_

_Thank you ever on my mind_

_Love is just like breathing when it's true_

_And I'm free in you_

Ali’s head is swimming, all sense of time and space are gone. She’s aware of nothing more than the melody of the music, the lyrics clear and crisp, the heat of Ashlyn’s body and the woman’s tender and protective hold on her. Pillowy lips are a hair from her own, warm puffs of air swirl on her cheeks, hazel eyes show her the whole world… the weight of the moment is dizzying and yet soothing. She’s uncharacteristically floundering on what it means, but it doesn’t matter at all. _What is this, Ash? Where are you taking me?_ She happily relinquishes herself and follows the moment blindly, the words being sung in her ear giving her the same sense of home as the woman in her arms.

_The lost time_

_The self-crime my big mistakes_

_The clear voice of bad choice_

_Sounding like an ache_

_In my day not too bad_

_But too real_

_To go away_

_But now I'm free in you_

_I got no worries on my mind_

_I know what to do_

_That's to treat you right and love you kind_

_Thank you ever on my mind_

_Love is just like breathing when it's true_

_And I'm free in you_

_And I don't know_

_How you show_

_Such gentle disregard_

_For the ugly in me_

_That I see_

_That for so long_

_I took so hard_

_But I truly believe_

_That you see the best in me_

_I'm enough for your love_

_And the thought sets me_

_Free in you_

_Got no worries on my mind_

_I know what to do_

_That's to treat you right and love you kind_

_Thank you ever on my mind_

_Love is just like breathing when it's true_

_And I'm free in you_

_Yes I'm free_

_In you_

They continue to sway for a while after the music is gone as if they’re stuck in time, but Ali is desperate to understand the meaning of it all even if what she feels seems as clear as day. “Ash, tell me…why that song?” She beseeches her softly.

“That’s the song I promised myself would be the first dance at my wedding.” Ashlyn doesn’t hold back.

_Oh…oh my god. _Ali feels her legs shake, trying to find her way amidst the intense feeling of happiness along with the immense guilt that just hit her all at once. “Ash…you shouldn’t…you shouldn’t have…” She stutters a reply only to be met with Ashlyn’s finger on her lips again.

“Shhh.” Ashlyn warmly shushes her again, not near done. “The first time I heard that song, I felt it so deep in my soul. I knew right away that the words, the meaning…it’s exactly how I wanted to feel about the person I spent the rest of my life with. And honestly, I kind of forgot it after a while. Then I heard it again, maybe about a year after everything happened with Sloane that last time. It hit me really hard that I had proposed to her, but hadn’t felt at all like that song. I promised myself that day that I wouldn’t do that again…that I would wait for that feeling and that I would dance to this song at my wedding so that my wife always knew the bigger promise it held. I’d like to believe in magical forever love, but I also know that the world is a fucking harsh bitch that can steal away even our best intentions and most heartfelt promises. But the words in that song put it so clearly for me. That if I truly feel that way about someone, that I love them for exactly who they are. That loving them will come as easy as breathing and I’ll find freedom in that love even if things don’t work out between us in the forever way that we hoped. That no matter what comes, I will always be able to do right by them and treat them kindly rooted in that pure love.”

Ashlyn pauses to try and find the right way to express herself, leaning in to kiss Ali really softly because she can’t fully decipher the look on her face. The way Ali kisses her back sparks the bravery to keep going. “I have no fucking clue what the world and the future hold for me, Alex. None. Who knows if I’ll ever get married and even have that first dance at all. But I have you with me here right now…and everything in that song, that’s how I feel about you. And maybe I’ll feel this way again with someone who isn’t you…I really don’t know. And if that happens, I’ll just have to find another way to express it to them.” It hurts so much to say that last part, but she keeps going. “Al, I have you and the kind of love I always wanted to feel right here, right now. I don’t need a damn wedding or any promises of forever. This is my moment with my person…you… and I will never regret it no matter what happens or doesn’t happen between us. I love you like that, to do right by you and treat you kindly always.”

Ali’s mouth opens but nothing comes out, one of the very rare moments in her life that she’s been rendered totally speechless and incapable of uttering a single word. Her heart aches in both the best and worst ways. She buries her face into Ashlyn’s chest with no chance of the stopping the tears already escaping from her eyes.

_That was too much. She was right, you probably shouldn’t have._ Ashlyn squeezes Ali tight for a minute to give the brunette some time, not sure now that being quite so open and honest was a good idea even if it’s exactly what she was feeling and thinking. Her hands go to frame Ali’s face, encouraging the brunette to look at her so she can apologize for taking things to such a serious place even if she won’t take back any of what she said. She wipes the tears from Ali’s cheeks with her thumbs and finds her favorite eyes. “I was just being truthful, but I’m sor…” She’s stopped before she can finish, Ali’s finger now on her lips to quiet her.

“Don’t you ever.” Ali warns her. “Don’t ever hold back who you are and what you feel, not with me. As long as you really mean it…”

“I mean it…every single word.” Ashlyn cuts right in.

“Ok.” Ali whispers, feeling simultaneously wrecked and uplifted in an indescribable way. “Then no matter what happens between us or where life takes us, we’ve got each other somehow and somewhere…and that is our song.” Her voice is emotionally strained, but she’s glad she can speak clearly enough.

_Always, baby._ “That’s our song.” Ashlyn confirms with a grin and kisses her deeply.

“Play it again, dance with me again.” Ali requests, her arms already holding Ashlyn tighter as her head finds the woman’s shoulder once more.

Ashlyn quickly obliges her, but they only make it halfway through the song this time before a more desperate feeling takes hold of them. Clothes are off and they’re up the stairs before the music is even over, kissing each other in the middle of Ashlyn’s bedroom as if the world was ending tomorrow, because it honestly just might be.

\----

“God, Alex…fuck…” Ashlyn rolls onto her back while Ali’s head falls onto her chest. She’s lost count now of how many times she’s found herself out of breath since they came upstairs.

“Fuck is right.” Ali mutters against Ashlyn’s bare skin, panting for air herself. “Impossibly good, every single time.” She lets out a soft little hum and finds Ashlyn’s hand, entwining their fingers.

They’ve been at it for several hours now, going round after round with breaks in between that have ranged from whispering sweet things to each other and laughing at lame jokes to taking tiny naps out of sheer exhaustion. The first round had been frantic and fraught with the desperation of two people knowing their time together is short. But things between them settled after that and took on a notably slower vibe…every touch deliberate and lingering, each trying to fully appreciate and memorize the feel of each other’s body. The most poignant of it all being the mutual trust that neither will forget:

_“Ash…don’t uhhnn stop, don’t ever…oh my god!” Ali comes apart on Ashlyn’s fingers. She loses stock of herself for a bit as she rides out the orgasm, but goes right back to thrusting steadily into Ashlyn’s hot wet center as soon as she gets her bearings back. What had started as a mutual climb to the top, holding each other close with fingers buried deep, had seen her reach the peak first with the way Ashlyn had relentlessly stroked her g-spot and sucked on her neck. She moans softly when Ashlyn’s fingers slip out of her and find purchase on her hip. “That’s it, gorgeous.” She encourages Ashlyn to keep grinding against her hand, knowing she must be close by the amount of wetness and the clenching of her entrance. “Love being inside you.” She husks and pulls Ashlyn’s earlobe into her mouth._

_Ashlyn can feel the deep tingle in her lower belly that has become so familiar in the last few hours, her body getting closer and closer to the point of no return. She moves her hand to Ali’s lower back and pulls her in closer, capturing the brunette’s lips in a deep kiss even though her breathing is already ragged. For some reason that she can even begin to explain, this kiss feels monumental…her heart races out of control at the touch of Ali’s lips and energy waves shoot through her body. She knows Ali is just as caught up in it as she is because the brunette’s fingers suddenly slip out of her and she gets held tighter. She’s light-headed from lack of air, but would rather pass out than pull away. When she’s suddenly able to breathe again, unsure of who pulled back first, she’s met by a gaze that looks the same every time... love, lust, kindness, caring, and passion all perfectly housed in fiery whiskey, and all directed at her. Everything feels incomprehensively amplified and she longs once again to give Ali Krieger the vulnerable part of herself that belongs to nobody else but the two of them together._

_“I love you with everything I am…all of it.” Ali feels like the rest of the world just disappeared at the way it comes out of Ashlyn’s mouth paired with the look in the woman’s piercing hazel eyes. She barely gets out “I love every part of you” before Ashlyn is turning in her arms. She takes a deep breath and pulls the woman’s back tightly against her chest, the deep trust involved not lost on either of them. Nothing else is said before Ashlyn is taking Ali’s hand and sliding it back between her legs. There is only heavy breathing and soft gasps in the pursuit of Ashlyn tumbling over the edge with Ali right behind her from the mere friction of Ashlyn’s ass against her mound and the passion of the moment…one of only two times she has orgasmed without being directly touched, both of them with Ashlyn and in this very position._

\---

“I don’t want to move, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have any bodily fluids left and need a drink.” Ashlyn smiles into Ali’s hair, both of them sweaty and energy drained.

“So dehydrated.” Ali agrees in a mumble, her body feeling like a spent pile of goo.

“Unfortunately, I drank the last of the Gatorade in the mini bar up here last Friday night to prevent a hangover. So now I need to drag my ass downstairs.” Ashlyn groans at herself. “You want some Gatorade too or do you want water or juice or something?”

“Gatorade for sure.” Ali lifts her head to kiss Ashlyn’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“Lemon lime, orange or fruit punch flavor?” Ashlyn pecks her lips.

“Oh, fruit punch. You’re the beeest!” Ali drops her head back on Ashlyn’s chest and squeezes her middle. “Go before I don’t let you.”

“Back in a sec.” Ashlyn finally finds the motivation to get up.

“Will you please grab my purse on your way back up?” Ali requests, smiling to herself at the little butt dimple she sees as Ashlyn walks away.

“Sure thing, lovebug.” Ashlyn winks over her shoulder and heads down the stairs, returning in no time with their drinks and Ali’s purse. “Feel the need to refresh that mascara?” She teases as she hands her the purse.

“Mmm, so damn good. I haven’t had fruit punch Gatorade in forever.” Ali takes a few long gulps from the bottle, watching Ashlyn plop down beside her on the bed and do the same. “My mascara seems to have no chance around you, so I’m not even gonna worry about it.” She puts the rest of her bottle on the nightstand and pulls a small wrapped box out of her purse. “I just thought that now might be a good time to give you something I brought.”

“You got me something?” Ashlyn asks with enthusiasm, using the remote on the nightstand to brighten the lighting in the room a bit now that it’s dark outside.

“Yep.” Ali is taken by the childlike anticipation in Ashlyn’s eyes, but knows she has to temper it. “I need to be honest before I give this to you and tell you that it’s a little gift that I get all my surrogate clients…but yours is the fanciest one I’ve ever gotten.” She tries to take some of the sting out of it.

“Doesn’t matter what that is, you already gave me the best gift, Al.” Ashlyn holds Ali’s hand and gives it a little squeeze paired with a meaningful look. “Now let me at it!” She lets the excitement come back and eagerly tears the paper. She opens the box to find a simple padlock with a key. The main body of the lock is black while the shackle and key are gold in color. “I’m gonna let you explain before I invent all kinds of possible meanings, at least fifty percent of which are sexual.” She smiles at her.

“That’s totally fair given the context.” Ali laughs. “It’s just a simple metaphor gift to remind you that you’re the one that holds the key to unlocking yourself. You had that key all along, my job was to help you find it and provide you with the tools to make sure you can always find it if it happens to get lost. Some clients have found it really helpful to just physically unlock that padlock as a reminder when they feel a little out of sorts that they are the master of themselves.” She explains. “Little cheesy and very therapist, I know.”

“I think it’s great.” Ashlyn says sincerely. “So how come mine is fancy?” She asks more playfully.

“I just usually get everyone the same simple silver one, but that didn’t seem to fit you. And I saw this one and couldn’t help myself.” Ali shrugs.

“You apparently know me well enough to know that I like some bling, even though I haven’t actually been around you in my blinged-out state.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Well I’ve seen some of those big diamond encrusted chains of yours on your Instagram, so I can’t take too much credit.” Ali admits.

“Stalker.” Ashlyn teases and earns a little pinch to her side. “I try to keep it appropriate to some degree with just chains, earrings, and watches, but I can get a little wild with it. Like I have grills that I love, but really don’t get to wear that much because it’s so over-the-top.”

“You seriously have a grill?” Ali’s eyebrow raises.

“Nope, I have _two_ grills.” Ashlyn smirks and goes into her closet to get them, coming back out with the plain gold one on her bottom teeth.

“Yep, she actually has grills.” Ali shakes her head jokingly.

“That’s the simple gold one. And this is the diamond.” Ashlyn pops off the gold grill and puts the diamond encrusted one in place before smiling wide.

“Absolutely ridiculous…but also kinda sexy.” Ali reaches out her hand towards Ashlyn. “Come here.” She tugs the woman down on top of her and ghosts her lips. “Never kissed anyone with a grill before.” She whispers before kissing Ashlyn deeply, hand going to the back of her head to pull her in closer.

“Verdict?” Ashlyn asks with hooded eyes as Ali pulls away.

“Really fucking hot.” Ali kisses her again. “Love all these odd little things about you.”

“Bet you never thought a Stanford girl with a grill would ever sweep you off your feet, huh?” Ashlyn asks cockily.

“Not in a bazillion fucking years.” Ali chortles. “First time for everything I guess. The founders of Harvard must be rolling over in their graves.”

“Pretty sure they’d already be doing that anyway…they didn’t like the gays back then.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Fact.” Ali moves a strand of hair out of Ashlyn’s face and steals another kiss. “You are such a surprise. I happen to love surprises.”

“Me too.” Ashlyn grins. “Speaking of, I got you something too. Well actually, I made it. Let me just…” She pulls the grill out of her mouth and quickly goes to put both of them back in the jewelry box before laying back down next to Ali. “Ok, so I need your phone for a minute.”

“Good thing you brought my purse up.” Ali looks at the woman curiously and digs in her purse to find her phone.

“Promise I won’t look through anything personal. Just need to access your app store. It’ll just take a minute and you can watch.” Ashlyn says as soon as Ali has her phone out.

“I trust you.” Ali replies easily and hands Ashlyn her phone after unlocking it, sitting up a bit to see what the woman is doing because she does have to be careful that nothing client related on her phone gets accessed even by accident. She watches Ashlyn open up the app store, search for something, download something and then enter a password before the woman is handing her the phone back.

“Here. Check it out.” Ashlyn instructs, pointing to the new little icon on Ali’s home screen.

“You made me an app?” Ali asks squeakily, seeing the icon image of what looks like the Brooklyn Bridge with the name “Lovebug” underneath it.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods. “I wanted it to be meaningful…and I guess this is just what I’m good at.”

“I couldn’t love anything more.” Ali says emotionally and kisses the woman hard.

“You don’t even know what it does yet.” Ashlyn smiles into the kiss. “Might be a virus.”

“Ok, fine. What does it do?” Ali relents and opens it, seeing a search bar at the top with a map looking feature underneath and a menu along the side with ‘Main, Movies, TV, Series, Books, Coffee, Bored’.

“Well it pulls together Google utilities in one place and sort of tailored to you.” Ashlyn explains. “Since you’re as into documentaries as I am, if you hit ‘Main’ it will rank the current top documentaries and tell you on the map which theaters near you are playing it, their time schedule, and rank them by how busy they are on average at your chosen time.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s amazing!” Ali says in awe.

“It’ll do the same thing for regular movies if you hit ‘movies’ and you can sort them by movie category too. TV and Series will do the same thing for TV shows and web series, only instead of the map it’ll tell you which channel or platform you can use to watch them and provide a schedule and available links.” Ashlyn continues. “You can also just search titles of anything in the search bar to see where they’re ranked and get all the other info I just said.”

“Holy shit, this is so cool!” Ali can’t believe it. “What is ‘coffee’?”

“It’ll just find the nearest coffee shops and rank them by how busy they are on average, give you store hours, and link you any mobile ordering apps if they exist for that shop.” Ashlyn answers.

“Wow, ok. And ‘bored’?” Ali clicks on it with her finger and sees a crossword puzzle open up.

“Oh well, that was a fun little personal addition.” Ashlyn smirks. “I put together a challenging crossword for you to complete…with an unstoppable timer. So, you have to finish it all at once in under ten minutes to get to the prize or it’ll all erase and you’ll have to start over. Oh and screenshot is disabled, so no cheating.”

“That’s so not fair, I’ll never be able to do it.” Ali groans.

“Of course you will.” Ashlyn nudges her. “I gave you an advantage, baby. The clues never change, so you just have to remember them once you get them right and then type fast.” She winks.

“I don’t know if that’s much of an advantage. Better be a good prize.” Ali teases.

“I like to think it is.” Ashlyn smiles. “Anyway, the app is on your cloud and I just had the password to access it emailed to you in case you ever have trouble with your phone and want to re-download it.”

“Babe…” Ali whispers and pulls Ashlyn’s forehead against her own. “This is by far the sweetest, most thoughtful, and best gift anyone has ever gotten me. And you made it, which blows my mind…again I say, I couldn’t love anything more.” She leans in for a romantic kiss, but Ashlyn is smiling so much that it’s hard to kiss her and they both up end laughing.

“Your laugh…” Ashlyn trails off before kissing the brunette properly.

“Cannot believe you made me an app! I’m so fucking impressed, you don’t even know.” Ali heaps some more praise on her. “Must have taken you forever.”

“Just shy of like twenty hours, not too shabby. It helped that I recently learned a new search and retrieval algorithm from the CEO of the new company we partnered with.” Ashlyn replies humbly.

“Amazing.” Ali says reverently before she thinks back to what Ashlyn said once about how she goes about her programming work. “Oh my god, you went for twenty hours straight through, didn’t you?”

“Guilty.” Ashlyn confesses.

“Unbelievable.” Ali rolls Ashlyn onto her back and hovers over her, going right in to kiss her heatedly and relishing in the little whimper she gets when she rakes her hand up the woman’s side. Her own moan comes right out when Ashlyn trails down her neck. “Mmmfuck…one more time?” She mutters against Ashlyn’s cheek.

“One more.” Ashlyn eagerly agrees and latches back onto the brunette’s mouth in a tongue dueling kiss, wasting no time in running her palm over Ali’s breast. Their bodies are exhausted, sensitive, and sore, but neither can deny the ache they feel for each other nor ignore the seconds ticking down towards having to walk away from all of it.

“Mmmyes, baby.” Ashlyn breathes out in approval as Ali suddenly flips on top of her, perfect glistening folds right in her face before she knows it. “You’re so beautiful.” She spreads the brunette open a little more with her hands as she feels Ali kiss along her inner thigh, her own legs opening wider in anticipation. She takes a second to breathe her in before running her tongue up and down Ali’s slit in long broad strokes, moaning loudly into the brunette’s core when she feels a warm tongue lapping at her clit.

It’s the perfect position right now, working each other up together with long licks and soft tongue taps for as long as they can keep to the measured pace. When hands start to grip each other’s thighs more tightly and muscles lightly tremble, their tongues probe with greater purpose and swirl deep against hot silken walls to bring one more euphoric mutual release that leaves them collapsed together in that very position for the next half hour.

“If I didn’t love your eyes so much, I’d say this was my favorite view.” Ashlyn says contently, gently running her hand up the back of Ali’s thigh and along her ass cheek. She can’t help but love the slickness still on her chest, admiring the still wet womanhood that created it. _She’s perfect._

“Pretty sure I’m the one with the best view.” Ali replies back, fingers lightly scratching through the coarse little strip of hair on Ashlyn’s mound, her head resting against the woman’s upper thigh with her cheek pressed against the inked mermaid. “Problem is I can’t kiss you like this…and I really want to kiss you.”

“Mmhmm.” Ashlyn affirms in a hum. “You’re the one who has the power to right the ship, beautiful.” She says with a light chuckle.

“Mmmkay.” Ali still takes another minute before finding the energy to flip herself back around. “Love you fiercely.” She takes Ashlyn’s lips in her own, the two of them kissing languidly for a while.

“Love you madly and deeply.” Ashlyn eventually replies when they pull away and snuggle again.

“I absolutely hate to say this, but it’s getting late.” Ali whispers, her voice emotional again. _Never want to leave you._

“Yeah, I know.” Ashlyn holds her tighter.

“Maybe we should take a shower or a bath and then settle in before…” Ali can’t find it in her finish the sentence.

“I’m gonna stick with tradition on this one, so bath it is.” Ashlyn suggests.

“Sold.” Ali pecks her lips and gets up. “You run the bath, I’ll put fresh sheets on the bed.”

“Ugh, wish you didn’t have to…but I suppose these are majorly damp and actually full on wet in spots.” Ashlyn groans and chuckles at the same time.

“Marathon sex will do that.” Ali smirks. “You’ll sleep better with fresh sheets.”

_When you’re gone, doubtful. _“Yeah, I know. Thank you.” Ashlyn concedes and kisses Ali’s cheek as she makes her way into the bathroom, smiling at the little slap on the ass she gets as she walks away.

\----

“What will you miss the most?” Ali asks softly and squeezes the strong arms encircling her waist, loving that Ashlyn is the one holding her in the bath tonight.

“That’s a really hard question.” Ashlyn puts her chin on the brunette’s shoulder. “Too many things to settle on just one…but your laugh, those mesmerizing eyes, the way I can breathe so easily around you and the peaceful way I feel when I talk to you about literally anything.” She tries to cut it off there, but can’t. “The way my heart pounds when I even so much as think of you. The way you say my name. The way your nose crinkles when you smile. Also how much I miss you when you’re gone and how happy I feel when you’re back.” She finally stops on that last one because her voice cracks with the stinging realization that Ali won’t be walking back into her home anymore. “You?” She manages to croak out.

Ali swallows hard and brings one of Ashlyn’s hands up to her mouth to kiss it. “I’ll miss how you hold me so securely, the way you kiss me and your Carmex on my lips. You’re right, this is really fucking hard.” She clears her throat. “Our honesty with each other, your single-dimpled smile, the way you ask me so many questions and listen to every word I say, the way you look at me…” She lets out a soft sigh. “How I never want to leave you…and your heart, Ash. Your kind, beautiful, golden heart. I love you for exactly you. I love you so much.” She turns her head and kisses the woman as deeply as she can, trying hard to ignore the pain in her chest.

“I love you too, Al.” Ashlyn whispers back, her hands trembling against Ali’s stomach. “This hurts so fucking badly, but I’d never change our time together. If I knew ahead of time that we were going to crash into a wall at full speed and get completely fucking wrecked…I’d still get into the car with you. Every single time and a million times over.”

“Me too.” Ali replies and can’t hold back the tears now, but she’s not alone. She turns in Ashlyn’s arms and buries her face into the crook of the woman’s neck, both of them sobbing freely and letting the tears get lost in the bath water.

\---

“You ok now?” Ali asks as the two of them wrap each other up in bathrobes and dry off.

“I wouldn’t exactly say ok, but ok as one can get in this situation.” Ashlyn frowns. “You?”

“Same.” Ali runs a dry towel over Ashlyn’s hair. “I guess we can check ugly crying off the list.”

“Done and done.” Ashlyn manages a smile.

“There’s my smile.” Ali pinches her cheek. “Come on, let’s get into bed.”

The two of them quietly finish drying off before turning off the lights and snuggling close together in bed. The atmosphere couldn’t be any heavier right now, both of them just trying to remember to breathe through the awful ache.

“Al, I don’t know if I can do this.” Ashlyn’s voice is low and shaky, her grip on Ali tightening.

_I don’t know if I can either, angel. _“It’s ok, my love. We’re gonna be ok.” Ali runs her hand softly through Ashlyn’s hair, trying to be reassuring for both of them. She’s at a bit of a loss now, having not been able to properly think through or come close to settling on how to play out the end of the night. _Come on Ali, it’s on you to close this out. _She remembers what Syd told her and tries to find her way. _Stick to your game plan, don’t make it worse than it has to be, deviate where it’s important._

“What are you thinking?” Ashlyn breaks the silence again, not able to really see Ali’s face in the dark but feeling the woman’s deep thinking as if it was her own.

“I’m thinking I never want to leave you, but I have to find a way to.” Ali divulges in complete honesty and feels Ashlyn squeeze her side. “We’re both completely exhausted in every way and we need to rest…and we need to let go. I’m going to set a quiet alarm for really early morning and I’ll go before you’re up.” She settles on a compromise with herself…not technically staying the whole night and no messy goodbye.

“Ok.” Ashlyn agrees with the tiniest bit of relief, kissing Ali’s forehead before the brunette reaches for her phone and sets the alarm.

“Hold me tight, kiss me good night, and close your eyes. We’ll have one more beautiful dream together.” Ali says warmly as her lips land on Ashlyn’s.

“This was everything. You’re everything.” Ashlyn heart feels ready to explode in both love and pain. “I’ll thank the universe every damn day that you exist, just like I have from the moment I met you. I love you with my entire self and in ways I never knew I could, Alexandra.”

“You changed my whole world, all of it. I’ll forever be grateful for the day you came into my life. I love you more than literally fucking everything, Ashlyn.” Ali returns the heartfelt sentiments and kisses her deeply, like her life depends on it until both of them are breathless once more. “Go to sleep.” She strokes Ashlyn’s cheek with her thumb and settles on her chest, tears burning at the corners of her eyes.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” Ashlyn lets out a soft breath and closes her eyes, holding Ali snuggly against her skin.

“Sweet dreams, my love.” Ali presses one more kiss to Ashlyn’s jaw and closes her eyes too.

Al?” It’s only a few minutes before Ashlyn voice cuts through the dark room.

“Yeah?” Ali picks her head up to find Ashlyn looking at her.

“Promise you’ll see me again.” Ashlyn pleads quietly.

_You’re breaking my heart, Ashlyn. Fuck, breathe._ “Ash, I can’t pro…” Ali starts to reply but feels Ashlyn’s finger on her lips yet again.

“In your dreams. Promise you’ll see me in your dreams.” Ashlyn whispers.

“I guarantee it.” Ali assures her with a smile, knowing it just might be the easiest promise she’ll ever make. “Sleep, Ash.” She kisses Ashlyn softly and gets comfortable against her chest again.

“Love you, baby.” Ashlyn mumbles one last time and closes her eyes, feeling like she can relax more now.

“Love you too, angel.” Ali hugs Ashlyn’s middle.

Despite their eyes being closed, both women try to stay awake to savor their last few moments together, hands moving softly over each other’s skin. But the physical and emotional toll of the day finally gets the best of them and pulls them away into a comfortable slumber in each other’s soothing embrace.

\---

It’s 4am when Ali’s phone alarm vibrates softly on the nightstand. She quickly silences it and rubs her eyes, smiling at the way Ashlyn’s mouth is parted and softly snoring, the woman’s hair all disheveled. _You’re beautiful, Ashlyn Harris. _She watches Ashlyn sleep for a few minutes, her heart growing heavier by the second until she physically can’t take it anymore. She gets up as quietly as she can, trying hard not to wake Ashlyn up. Luckily, the woman just rolls over slightly and hugs the pillow where she just vacated.

She tiptoes downstairs to grab her clothes which are still scattered near the couch before realizing she has Ashlyn’s Stanford hoodie in her hands. She makes her way back upstairs, finding her own hoodie hanging up in Ashlyn’s laundry room and pulling it over her head before going back into the bedroom. She watches the woman sleep peacefully for another minute, her feet seemingly rooted to the floor. _You have to leave, Ali. It’s time to let go._

She wipes at the tears escaping her eyes, kneeling next to the bed and leaving a feather light kiss on Ashlyn’s lips. “I’ll always remember how you make me feel and I’ll always fight to find my way back to you, even if I have no idea how or what that looks like for us. I love you, Ash.” She takes a deep breath and stands up, the Stanford hoodie she left of Ashlyn’s bed catching her eye.

_Fuck it. _She pulls her Harvard hoodie back over her head and folds it neatly, leaving it on the corner of the bed and putting on Ashlyn’s Stanford hoodie on instead. “Stanford of the east.” She smiles to herself, leaning back down to press one last kiss to Ashlyn’s forehead.

“Alex…love you.” Ashlyn mumbles in her sleep almost inaudibly and hugs the pillow tighter, going right back to snoring.

Ali’s heart jumps as if she was waiting to hear those words one more time before she could get herself to leave. “Love you too, Ash.” With that she forces herself to walk away, looking back one final time at Ashlyn’s perfect peaceful face before taking the first step down the stairs and feeling like she just stepped into an endless black hole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, are we all a blubbering mess?  
Let's be positive and hear your best theory... how do they find each other again?


	38. Disclosure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whew, she's back with an update! The focus of this chapter is in detailing the aftermath of them parting ways and also bringing in some new characters that you haven't met or gotten to know yet. So, it's a loooong one with a lot going on. Time jumps have started, so pay attention to the dates to get yourself oriented. After this chapter, we'll hit the holidays and things will move a bit faster and time jumps will get bigger too!
> 
> Character reminder to jog your memory...Kameryn is the CEO of the company that Ashlyn's company recently partnered with on a new project. She's also the same CEO that Ashlyn charmed at a networking event when she was feeling really good right after a session with Ali.
> 
> I don't have a set posting schedule right now. I just started rehab today and so far can only manage about an hour or two of typing at a time before my arms feels like toast. So between writing for this story and catching up on my real work, time is short and writing is slow! I thank you in advance for you patience and will continue to keep you posted on any progress on my twitter (InkedWrite11).
> 
> As always, drop me a comment to let me know what you're thinking! :-)

Disclosure

** _December 1, 2018_ **

The air leaves Ashlyn’s lungs the second she wakes up to cold sheets and an empty bed, Ali’s scent lingering on pillows just enough to remind her that it wasn’t all a dream. The tightness of her aching chest, the rock in her stomach, her weighty thoughts…all of it too heavy to move. She just closes her eyes again, pulling up Ali’s image in the darkness of her mind in an attempt to find enough levity not to drown in the pit of despair that already has its hold on her._ Just keep breathing._

The next time she opens her eyes, the sky is already a deep orange with the setting sun. “One day almost down.” She mutters to herself and sits up in bed, running her hands through her hair. She feels an awful jittery energy and gets up to try and get rid of some of it.

She walks downstairs, ignoring her clothes still scattered by the couch from yesterday, and heads over to the coffee press out of habit, soon realizing that coffee is the worst idea ever when she’s already edgy. Sleep feels like an escape from everything right now and the last thing she needs is caffeine that will keep her awake longer. Instead she busies herself by emptying the dishwasher. That is until she sees that the only thing in there is her and Ali’s plates from yesterday and feels like throwing up. She originally came down here thinking she might eat something, but her churning stomach makes it clear that isn’t happening. _Fuck, this is hard._

She rubs her temples a few times to try to ease her pounding head before going to grab her coat, putting it on over her haphazardly thrown on clothes and slipping on her sneakers. She walks out onto the balcony and deeply breathes in the cool air. Her sneakers crunch in the few inches of snow that fell yesterday and isn’t showing any signs of melting yet. She plants herself on the chaise, trying hard to ignore the imprint of Ali that’s still visible on it from when she playfully tossed the brunette down. It’s no use, her mind fills with visions of the brunette pulling her down for deep romantic kisses in this very spot. _Get a fucking grip on yourself._

She keeps taking deep breaths, watching the sun dip lower below the skyline until she feels numb. _So fucking cold. Awful. I hate this. _She mentally curses the snow that she chose to sit in. _Of course. Of fucking course. _“You don’t love the snow…you never did, idiot. You just love her.” She grumbles to herself at her own stupidity at thinking that coming out here would make her feel like she did yesterday. _The only piece that matters is missing._

She feels the tear roll down her cheek. _No, too quiet out here. _She immediately heads inside and runs up the stairs, throwing off her clothes and getting into the shower so she doesn’t have to hear herself sob. She lets the tears flow freely until she physically can’t cry anymore, not even bothering to wash herself before stepping out of the shower. The bedroom is dark now that night has fallen, the bathroom light providing just enough illumination for her to find the remote control on her nightstand and turn on some soft lighting.

It’s then that she sees it, her eyes recognizing it immediately and her lips curling into a smile before her brain can even catch up: Ali’s Harvard hoodie neatly folded on the bottom corner of her bed. She moves so quickly to grab it that she hits her thigh hard on the corner of the bench at the end of the bed, not noticing in the slightest even though there will surely be a deep purple bruise there by morning. She has the hoodie pressed against her face before she knows it, breathing Ali’s scent in deeply and feeling the storm inside her calm down. _Alex, you’re everything. _She stands there enjoying the peaceful feeling until her mind finally catches up and starts making connections. _But if she left her hoodie…_

Her eyes scan the bedroom, but only find the clothes she just took off before the shower_. Wait, we took off our clothes downstairs. _She gently puts Ali’s hoodie down on the bed and races downstairs without bothering to get dressed first. She practically skids to a halt in the living room, not seeing it upon first glance, and picking up each piece of clothing individually before she’s sure it’s not there. _Maybe she left it in the laundry room… _

Ashlyn is back upstairs in a flash, thoroughly searching the laundry room, her closet, the bathroom, the bedroom one more time, and the other guest room and office for good measure until she’s certain._ She took mine and left hers. _Another smile takes over her face as she picks up Ali’s Harvard hoodie again and holds it to her chest. It’s the stuff of teenage romances, Ali taking her Stanford hoodie and leaving her own Harvard one behind, but the simple gesture leaves another lasting connection between them and makes her feel grounded again. She wants nothing more than to slip it on, but she knows it’ll lose the brunette’s smell faster that way.

Instead she places it in her pillowcase and finally finds the motivation to throw on some boxers and a cut-off shirt. She chokes down a protein shake from the mini bar in the bedroom and settles herself back into bed. She uses the remote control to pull down the TV screen and selects Ali’s favorite documentary _Too Big to Fail_ from Netflix, knowing that surrounding herself with the brunette will be the sure way to find herself right back to sleep for the night despite sleeping the day away. Tomorrow already looms, the harsh reality that she’s another day farther from Ali Krieger with so many more to come, but tonight she has Ali’s scent and a reminder of how they’re deeply bonded on every level._ One day at a time._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

** _December 2, 2018_ **

“Uggghh no.” Ashlyn groans as the buzzer sounds loudly through the penthouse. She rolls over and buries her head into the pillow, but it sounds again just a few seconds later. It’s obviously Whitney and Megan. She knows they won’t give up, which is why she had asked them to drag her out this Sunday in the first place. She groans one more time and reaches for her cellphone, opening the resident security app and punching in her code to let them up. She doesn’t get up, instead closing her eyes for one more minute of peace before they come upstairs. The quiet is broken in no time by footsteps through the penthouse and Megan’s booming voice.

“The lesbo crane is here to lift your ass out of bed, biiiitch!” Megan’s voice travels right up the stairs ahead of them. “Holy shit, it still smells like epic sex in here.”

“Hey you. How are we doing?” Whitney sits on the edge of Ashlyn’s bed and runs a hand softly through the woman’s hair, taking a gentler approach than Megan as usual.

“Everything fucking hurts.” Ashlyn mumbles and doesn’t bother to open her eyes.

“Yeah, I know.” Whitney sympathizes and lays down next to her, silently beckoning Megan over with her hand and sliding an arm around Ashlyn. Megan follows suit from the other side of the bed, the two of them wrapping Ashlyn up snuggly and staying that way for a long while.

“I needed this. Love you guys.” Ashlyn eventually breaks the silence, opening her eyes and giving them a tight smile. “I feel so fucking gutted.” She admits.

“We love you, butch.” Megan leans over and kisses her forehead.

“Even though it won’t be exactly the same, we’ll be here to help fill as much of the void as we can.” Whitney adds encouragingly. “One step at a time though. So today, let’s just aim for some distraction.”

“Distraction?” Ashlyn picks her head up a bit with a questioning expression.

“No better therapy than retail therapy. We gonna shop the fuck outta this city, baby!” Megan singsongs. “We hit SoHo for some Prada, Balenciaga, Balmain and Heritage before lunch. Then Midtown cause we gonna need some major Saint Laurent time. All damn day, bitch! Gonna need a truck by the time we done.”

“That actually sounds nice.” Ashlyn admits, knowing that she’s already driving herself crazy just sitting at home doing nothing but sleeping and crying.

“First though, you need to shower so they actually let us into the stores.” Whitney smiles and wrinkles her nose at Ashlyn.

“I’m sure. I barely left this room yesterday.” Ashlyn shrugs and sits up so she can get out of bed.

“We’ll tidy up while you shower.” Whitney eyes the empty bottles of Gatorade in the room, a few pieces of clothing and tissues scattered around as well, a rare sight given Ashlyn’s very neat tendencies. “And I’m gonna open that balcony door for a bit cause twerp wasn’t kidding. It smells like sex in here.” She playfully cringes.

“Yeah, ok. Don’t change the sheets though, that was done already.” Ashlyn instructs, knowing Ali changed them and not wanting to give up any of the already waning scent of the brunette still clinging to her pillows.

“Woah, woah, you changed the sheets and it still smells like this?!” Megan exclaims with wide eyes. “The fuck kind of sex did you have?!”

“The kind you think doesn’t exist in real life and then it blows your fucking mind when you realize it does.” Ashlyn sighs. “Sorry, I promise not to spend the whole day saying pity party shit like that.”

“Relax, Sherlock. We’ll give you until at least new year before we start dope slapping you every time you self-wallow.” Whitney smiles.

“Go shower, butch! Gucci waits for no one!” Megan gives her a little push towards the bathroom before playfully pitching her ass. “Let me know if you need any help in there, sweet cheeks.”

An hour later and the three of them are sipping coffees and walking into Balenciaga for their first stop of the day.

“Good morning!” Megan walks right up to the first sales associate she sees in the store. “This is Ashlyn. She just had her heart crushed. So, get us a dressing room and point her to your newest arrivals. Please and thank you!” She puts an arm around Ashlyn’s shoulder with a cheesy smile.

“Thanks a lot, ass.” Ashlyn shakes her head, giving the saleswoman a polite smile.

“Well you came to the right place.” The 40-something blonde woman doesn’t miss a beat and reaches for Ashlyn’s arm. “I’m going to take good care of you, Ashlyn. We’ll start with some sunglasses over here from our new line that I already know you’ll absolutely rock the hell out of. One smile in a pair of those and the next person you look at will fall at your feet swooning. Not that you need the sunglasses.” She tugs Ashlyn’s arm a bit. “Come on, you can test them out on me.” She adds with a flirty wink.

Whitney chokes on her coffee, watching a wide-eyed Ashlyn get whisked away by the saleswoman. “Subtle.” She sarcastically mumbles to Megan, the two of them watching as the woman whispers something in Ashlyn’s ear that makes her blush with a grin.

“Jesus Gaylord Christ.” Megan whispers when the saleswoman’s leans in way closer than she needs to as she adjusts the sunglasses on Ashlyn’s face. “There’s no fucking way that lady isn’t married with like 3 kids.” She adds and looks at Whitney for confirmation.

“Oh definitely. Straight as hell, not even up for debate.” Whitney easily agrees. “Does it even matter right now though?” She remarks at the biggest smile they’ve seen on Ashlyn’s face since they arrived at her place this morning.

“Fuck no it doesn’t. I knew what I was doing.” Megan smiles cockily.

“Listen here, twerp...cause I’m only gonna say it once and it doesn’t apply outside of this moment.” Whitney playfully qualifies. “This was brilliant.”

“Why thaaaank you, my lovely uptight CTO!” Megan bows dramatically. “I’ll be sure to remind you of my brilliance daily from here on out.”

“And you ruined it.” Whitney groans and turns to the clothing rack to her left.

“Pssh, nothing could ruin this and I’m not near done today.” Megan motions to herself and earns an eye roll. “I’m gonna go check out those shirts while fembot saleslady over there is still busy getting her swerve on with Ash.”

“Woah that was…” Ashlyn doesn’t finish the statement as they walk out of Balenciaga thirty minutes later, still a bit stunned. Somehow she managed to escape the aggressive advances of the saleswoman with only two shirts and, of course, a pair of sunglasses she doesn’t need.

“Yeeeeaah, wowza. I really thought she was straight, but then she adjusted her boobs in your face at least five times and I started hedging.” Megan shrugs.

“I’m not buying that she’s not straight. You just have an effect on people, Sherlock.” Whitney weighs in as they walk along.

“Oh she was absolutely straight.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “But, she and her husband have just gotten into the NYC swingers scene. Yeeeah, she actually slipped her number into my pocket three fucking times.” She holds up the three separate little business cards in her hand and fans them out to prove it.

“I’m dying!” Megan busts out laughing. “Get it, butch!”

“Oh my god, imagine inviting the founder of Instagram to a swinger’s party and having no fucking clue!” Whitney joins in with a deep belly laugh.

“Oh ha ha, laugh it up. You’re not the ones that had to free yourselves from that acrylic nail grasp of hers!” Ashlyn protests.

“But are you distracted though?” Whitney raises an eyebrow.

“Come on, admit that was fun!” Megan piles on.

“Ok, ok. I’m distracted and that was a little fun, even though it was also way sketchy.” Ashlyn concedes with a smile.

“Told you, butch!” Megan slaps her lightly on the back.

“So, Prada next?” Whitney motions to the building across the street.

“Let’s do it.” Ashlyn nods before looking a Megan. “I swear to god, Pinoe…if you tell another salesperson that I’m heartbroken and need special attention, I’ll kill you.”

“Here lies Megan Rapinoe, died at the hands of her best friend because another straight saleslady tried to get into her pants.” Megan announces in a deep voice. “No dice, Ashy.” She pinches Ashlyn’s cheek.

“PINOE!” Ash calls out in warning as Megan starts to cross the street.

“Consider me dead!” Megan calls back over her shoulder.

“Fuck.” Ashlyn grumbles.

“You’re forgetting that we can counterattack by asking loudly if they have a bathroom in case Pinoe’s irritable bowel flares up.” Whitney throws her arm around Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“I fucking love your mind, Watson.” Ashlyn chuckles, feeling better than she expected to be on this outing.

“Always got you, Sherlock.” Whitney smiles and holds the door open.

By the time Ashlyn walks into her penthouse around 5pm, she’s over $3000 poorer and feels like the day was productive enough that she won’t feel too guilty going to bed really early before the sadness can creep in and cripple her again. She barely puts her bags down before the elevator buzzer is sounding and she’s letting Crystal in.

“Thought you were in isolation until finals are over?” Ashlyn asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Didn’t really think I was gonna let you get all mopey by yourself tonight, did you? Besides, a bitch gotta eat! So, let’s get in a workout sesh so we don’t have to feel bad about devouring whatever to-die-for dinner you cook for us in that fancy ass kitchen.” Crystal gives her a big smile.

Ashlyn just nods knowingly and walks over to give Crystal a tight hug before whispering “thanks, minion.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Boss Lady. Hope you didn’t have a big lunch, we’re gonna make these abs burn baby! Now, go change your clothes.” Crystal gives her one more squeeze and pushes her lightly towards the stairs.

“Alright, but I’m helping you study after dinner.” Ashlyn warns, not wanting to get in the way of Crystal’s school work.

“Please girl, I’m all over it. Already brought my study notes so I can read them out loud until your ass is snoring!” Crystal exclaims.

“Right.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a smile, realizing that her friends are not going to leave her alone long enough to get depressed and lost over Ali Krieger. That might be the greatest comfort of all right now.

\--------

“Okeee, and that is enough of that.” Kyle unplugs the speaker next to Ali’s bed which is currently playing Coldplay’s _The Scientist_, no doubt on repeat. Playing a song on repeat has always been Ali’s way to find balance no matter what mood she’s in, but this selection has already managed to depress him in the 30 seconds he’s been in her room. Clearly not too much progress from yesterday when he spent the day hugging her while she either zoned out or cried, and only managing to get her to eat a bowl of ice cream. At least today she seems to have showered, changed her clothes, and is typing on her laptop.

“Hi.” Ali barely looks up from her laptop and gives him a tight smile.

“What on earth are you wearing?” Kyle wrinkles his nose, just now really taking in the gray hoodie he’s never see before. “Since when would you be caught dead in any other Ivy league’s clothing besides Harvard and Columbia?”

“Oh uh…” Ali stumbles to reply, not sure what exactly to say between not wanting to give away too much about Ashlyn and not wanting to talk about it period. “It’s…hers.” She relents a bit, knowing that Kyle won’t take it for much more than face value. She pairs her response with a look that tells him not to probe deeper.

“Damn.” Kyle sighs, the depth of connection between his sister and this woman becoming all that more apparent. “So she’s fucking smart too?”

“Yep, really fucking smart.” Ali smiles widely at the thought, but it falls as soon as her heart pangs.

Kyle immediately sees the anguish on her face and rushes to change the subject. “Whatcha doing?” He points to the computer and plops down beside her.

“Going over my client notes and typing up some things to discuss for my sessions this week. Busy week.” Ali answers matter-of-factly.

“Yeah.” Kyle frowns a bit. Staying busy with her clients to avoid her own feelings is also an Ali go-to move. “Hey beebee… you know it’s ok not to be ok and take time for yourself, right? You’ve just been through a lot and you don’t need to take on everyone else’s stuff right now. You know?”

“I know. My clients deserve my full attention though and I didn’t exactly plan very well for how I was going to feel…dumb move. But I can’t just go cancelling appointments last minute.” Ali explains. “I know I can hold it together for a couple weeks until my holiday break. Besides, I think it’s for the best right now. I don’t feel ready to process everything yet.”

“So, you’re gonna ignore that your heart just got pulverized and work yourself to death? Sounds like great psychological advice.” Kyle let’s out a low whistle.

“Did you forget how yesterday went? I’d hardly call this ignoring it.” Ali counters. “Heather gets here on the 18th, and Syd comes two days later. Between you and them, it’s going to be over-processing it to death. I can surely wait for that. And I think…just pulling myself together and putting the focus somewhere else for a while, maybe I’ll gain some better perspective on the whole thing.” Ali lets out a breath. “Maybe then it won’t feel like I’m dying inside.” She adds in an inaudible mumble.

“Well you know me, I’m with you whatever it is.” Kyle gives it up and pulls her into a side hug, immediately noticing the unfamiliar scent. “Damn hunny, she smells really good.” The comment is out of his mouth before he can stop it.

“So good.” Ali whispers through the lump in her throat.

“Ok, we need to get the fuck outta here for a bit!” Kyle announces and gets up. “You get out of that and get into some workout clothes. I’ll like seal it in a Ziploc bag or something to keep in her freshness.” He points to the hoodie waggles his eyebrows in an attempt to make her laugh, getting a smile and feeling successful.

“Workout clothes?” Ali scrunches her nose.

“Yep, there’s a new Bikram Yoga class at my gym. I figure we can sweat out all of our problems.” He shrugs.

“You hate yoga.” Ali challenges in disbelief.

“Yep, but I hate that sad look on your face even more. So we’ll get our yoga on, shower there, and then hit up La Esquina for some Mexican. You can get the fish tacos to help settle your urges.” He sassily insinuates.

“Well then you can get the house-made sausage and shove it up your ass.” Ali plays back and can’t help but laugh at her own cleverness.

“Oh, biaaatch! There’s my girl!” Kyle snaps his fingers and laughs.

Ali shakes her and head and gets up, wrapping her arms around his waist. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, queen.” He kisses the top of her head. “Now go get ready.”

“Ok.” Ali replies softly and hesitantly takes off Ashlyn’s hoodie. Kyle is right there to take it from her and she eyes him quizzically.

“What? Trust a stage-five clinger gay guy, keep it in a bag when you’re not wearing it and the scent stays longer. I wasn’t kidding about that.” He explains again.

“Should I ask?” Ali questions, not remembering a time when he was ever that hung up on someone.

“Nah, long time ago. Your first is always hard to get over.” Kyle waves it off.

“We’re talking about this later.” Ali warns.

“Nope. Trust me hunny, you don’t need to hear about the first time I pounded into a dude so good that my head near damn exploded.” Kyle smirks.

“Just when I think you’re not much like Mom…” Ali cringes.

“Wrong.” Kyle laughs in satisfaction. “Alllliii, go get reeeeady!” He whines at her.

“Ok, geez.” She huffs and grabs some workout clothes from the closet, knowing that a good yoga session always helps and beyond thankful that her brother is as pesty as a fly when it comes to getting his way.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 10, 2018_ **

_Just get through this week. Fuck it, just get through this session. _Ali tries to keep her focus as the couple in her office continues to yell at and bicker with each other like they have for the last fifteen minutes.

It’s nothing new, Lynn and Bill usually tend to get into some kind of argument at their sessions. While Ali normally listens patiently to understand what is behind the squabbling, today she finds herself almost feeling angry at them…two people who clearly love and care about each other and have been together over a decade, but are so focused on everyday stresses and flaws that they can’t appreciate the underlying comfort of what they have. _Countless time to be together, and you choose to use it fighting over who forgot to do the dishes and which one is supposed to plan a dinner date. Morons._

“And then he asks me ‘wait, your sister is coming to visit?’ after I just told him that 10 minutes earlier! So, don’t tell me I’m blowing it out of proportion that you don’t pay attention!” Lynn bellows at her husband.

“Ok, ok…stop!” Ali raises her voice to get their attention just as Bill starts hollering back at Lynn. They both just blink at her a bit stunned because they’re used to her being calm and letting them get to a natural stopping point. Today she’s heard more than enough, her thoughts colored by Ashlyn who is still taking up more space in her mind than is probably healthy. “Let’s just take a quiet minute to breathe and settle down.” She suggests and gets a nod from both of them. 

The truth is that she’d usually just reassure them that arguing is normal, focusing on the positive part of it where at least they’re being honest with each other, before trying to guide them towards a healthier way of disagreeing. It’s different now having been with Ashlyn, her perspective altered. The conflict that once seemed to her like an inevitable part of being in a long-term relationship and not seeing eye-to-eye with your partner, doesn’t seem so inevitable anymore. That rather than dissect the unhealthy aspects and force less harsh alternatives, perhaps the reality of a solid connection is that there is a healthy enough foundation to overcome what now seems to her like nothing more than the build-up of bad habits and misplaced complacency. _Work from the foundation, not from the problem._

“Alright, well I’m glad to see that you did the homework from last time and were successful at being more mutually honest and finding time to spend with each other. That’s really good.” Ali starts with some praise. “But, it seems like now that you’re back to spending more time together, there’s a road block there.” She summarizes and sees them both nod again. “I want to try something different today…are you ok if we sort of drop what you’ve talked about so far and leave it for now?”

“Fine with me.” Lynn agrees.

“Me too.” Bill follows suit.

“Good, just bear with me. Lynn, let me start with you.” Ali turns her body ever so slightly towards the woman. “When you and Bill first started dating, what did you love most about him?”

“Oh um.” Lynn clearly didn’t anticipate the question, but takes a few seconds to actually think on it. “I always had so much fun with him no matter what we did, he always made me laugh. And he’d always do these sweet little things that showed me how much he cared or was thinking of me…like get me a coffee and drop it at my work, or go take my dog for a walk when I had a long day, stuff like that.”

“Good. Would you say he still does those things?” Ali asks her.

“I guess yes, but maybe a little differently.” Lynn replies.

“Different how?” Ali probes.

“Well, we have less fee time together to have fun I think. Like when we do go out for fun, which is much less than before, we sort of have to use some of that time to discuss normal life stuff that we haven’t had time to. We still have fun, but it’s less carefree if you know what I mean. But yeah, he still makes me laugh more than anyone else and I still want to spend my free time with him. I still have fun.” Lynn says thoughtfully.

“And the sweet things he used to do?” Ali presses a bit.

“Yeah, he does. Again, it’s a little different now. Like he still does all these little things to take care of me like he’ll cook dinner or fold laundry. He’ll do things a lot at home even when he’s busy so that I can get to bed sooner. It’s just that they’re more mundane things now and maybe less spontaneous than they used to be.” Lynn answers.

“Ok, that makes sense.” Ali keeps going. “And now let me flip this a bit. What did you like least about him when you were first dating?”

“That he was always so attentive about little things in general, but then he would like zone out a lot when I was telling a story and I’d have to repeat myself. Drove me nuts.” Lynn divulges.

“Ok, and same follow-up question…does he still do that?” Ali asks.

“Clearly, since I just bitched about him not paying attention to me.” Lynn can’t help but laugh.

Ali just nods with a smile and turns to Bill. _This is definitely working. _She can’t help but notice the smile on his face and the way his body is more relaxed and slightly leaned towards his wife. “Your turn, Bill. Same exact questions, let me know if you want me to repeat them.” Ali angles her body more in his direction now.

“Think I got it. So um… thing I loved that most from the beginning was her passion for things she was interested in. She just always had this spark for her work and her hobbies. I always admired that because I’m so even-keel about everything.” Bill answers. “And she’s still like that now, but it’s more shifted I think. She’s definitely still really passionate about her job, but there’s less time for hobbies and stuff like that. So, she gets more into the daily household things. Almost like her drive changed towards making sure everything at home is done to the best level versus being more into things like books she enjoys or scrapbooking like she used to.”

“Good. What about what you least liked?” Ali directs him.

“She always used to almost test me by making me guess when something was wrong or she was upset. She wouldn’t tell me at first and would just wait until I asked or pressed her on it. Almost like she was testing how connected we were by seeing if I could sense it, I don’t know. Maybe that’s also my perception of it because I saw it as a challenge. A good one.” Bill clarifies. “We talked about her doing that last time in here, so yeah, she definitely still does it.”

“Before I say anything else, can either of you see where I might be going with these questions?” Ali tries to garner their insights first.

“I think so.” Lynn speaks up. “Basically, you just showed us that we’re pretty much the same as we were back when we started dating and things were great…only now we argue more over things we didn’t used to.”

“That’s kind if the gist of it.” Ali half confirms. “Let me start by saying that you’re not the exact same people you were when you started dating. All of us grow and change over time, as do our responsibilities, but there’s also clearly things about yourselves that stay somewhat constant and that you can rely on in each other.”

“So, is it that we’re taking those things we love about each other for granted now?” Bill asks.

“In a way.” Ali replies. “We all know that the beginning of a relationship just has a more exciting and intense feel to it because it’s something new in your life. And you are so wrapped up in getting to know that person and appreciating the good things that the things you don’t like as much about them kind of get ignored right?”

“Mmhmm.” Lynn agrees and Bill nods.

“In the beginning, you focus on the things you love about your partner and you’re pretty much complacent about the things you dislike. Do you see how that might have shifted in your relationship over time?” Ali leads them.

“Hmph, it’s the opposite now. We’re more often ignoring the good things about each other and focusing on the things that irritate us instead.” Bill leans forward with intrigue.

“Yes, exactly.” Ali affirms. “You still love the same things about each other and agree they are still present in your relationship. But over time, you’ve settled into a pattern of not celebrating them the way you used to or finding appreciation for how they have changed over time. Rather, you’ve put more stock into what feels wrong between you, because in many ways that is easier to do…even though those irritating things haven’t changed much either.”

“Hmm, this is eye opening.” Lynn lets out a long breath.

“That’s the idea. Still, it doesn’t mean you go right home and change a million things so you can right the ship. It’s a process now of finding a better balance, but this time working from the great foundation of your relationship that you already have. Keep those things you love about each other in mind, and try to put more focus there. You know that it works because otherwise you wouldn’t have been together to begin with. And simultaneously, try to be a bit more understanding or forgiving of the things that irritate you.” Ali explains and gives them a few seconds since they both look to be in deep thought.

“Another thing is that it seems like you both feel the need be highly connected and in sync right now in every free moment that you spend together. Again I say, go back to what you remember of the early initial comfort you had together. My guess is that you didn’t always need to fill the time with intense conversation back then in order to enjoy your time together, right?”

“Not at all, we spent a ton of time just walking quietly or sitting doing nothing side by side. I miss that easy quiet.” Bill divulges.

“So work to get it back. I know you have little free time together now, but that doesn’t mean it has to be filled with something just because those moments are rare. Take the pressure off yourselves to have to verbally connect all the time and remember that you can feel each other emotionally too.” Ali suggests. “You have a base-level comfort with each other, take advantage of that and full-on rely on it sometimes.”

“Do you think we should actually purposely schedule quiet time together?” Lynn, ever the planner, inquires.

“Nope.” Ali shakes her head. “In fact, no assignment from me this week at all. Just let all of this sink in, maybe talk to each other about it if you feel like it. And just see what happens over the course of the next two weeks. Whatever happens, we’ll talk it out next time.”

They both just nod at her a bit dumbly and get their coats on before saying goodbye, but Ali doesn’t miss the fact they’re holding hands as they walk out the door. She walks over to her desk, eager to type up the notes from this session before she forgets any details.

“What the hell have you done to me, Ash?” Ali mumbles to herself as her laptop starts up, still trying to wrap her mind around the approach she took in this session. “And why the fuck do I like it so much?” She drops her head down onto the desk with a thud and groans.

\------

“Yeah Nance, I promise I know not to rush myself.” Ashlyn looks at the clock in her office, knowing she has to wrap up this call soon before her 3pm meeting. She has been on the phone with Nancy for about forty minutes, giving her a long overdue update on how things ended with Ali and how she’s generally feeling about it. There’s not much to say right now other than the fact that so many things remind her of the brunette, and every single time it brings this blend of both happiness and sadness that she can’t figure out how to deal with.

“Ok, good. You know me, I just want you to know that it’s ok for you to feel heartbroken and down for a while.” Nancy reminds her one more time. “There’s no hurry or expectation for how long it takes to process everything. We’ll just work at it slowly and figure out the steps as we go along.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn replies, but taking any kind of step right now doesn’t seem very appealing. “Speaking of processing, is it okay if we just schedule my next appointment for after Christmas? I have a lot of work related things between now and then, and there are a lot of people coming in for the holiday. To be honest, I also don’t feel ready to emotionally unpack anything yet.” She asks in hopes of buying herself a little more time.

“You realize that we can just walk around the bottom of the mountain for a while, right? That we don’t have to start doing any climbing?” Nancy offers up, not loving the idea of waiting another couple weeks for Ashlyn to come in for session.

“I know that. But I also…I just need a minute, you know?” Ashlyn tries to explain. “Promise I’ll come in before New Year. It can even be the day after Christmas, would that work?”

“Alright, I hear you. I’m putting you in for the Wednesday the 26th then. Does 4pm work?” Nancy relents.

“4pm on the 26th, I’ll be there.” Ashlyn confirms.

“And Ashlyn, can I ask… are you feeling lonely or isolated at all?” Nancy makes sure to check.

“My friends have barely left me alone, Nance.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“Being surrounded by people doesn’t mean you’re not feeling lonely.” Nancy counters.

“I know, I know. I’m not though, promise.” Ashlyn assures her. “My friends have been amazing support. Truthfully, between work and them keeping me busy most of the time, I’m actually appreciative of any alone time I can get at the moment. Being distracted is good in a lot of ways, but sometimes I just want quiet time to think about her even if it hurts, you know?”

“I can understand that. It’s a very natural way of coping with things, but if anything starts to change and you start feeling alone, please call me.” Nancy tells her.

“You have my word.” Ashlyn agrees. “I have to run to a meeting, but I’ll see you on the 26th. Maybe I’ll even bring my hiking shoes.” She adds lightly.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, just bring your comfortable sneakers.” Nancy plays back. “Have a good rest of the day and call anytime if you need anything. I’ll see you soon.”

“Thanks, Yoda. Have a good one.” Ashlyn replies and hangs up the phone, glad to have that off her agenda for the time being.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 18, 2018_ **

“So, is it work or personal?” Kameryn asks as she stands there unnoticed in Ashlyn’s office for a solid minute after walking in.

“Hmm, sorry what?” Ashlyn looks up from her computer, not having heard anyone walk in.

“I’ve been here three days now and you’ve seemed… well, not you from what I can tell. Miles from the suave little shit you were the night we first met at the networking event. Yeah don’t think I didn’t know you were gaming me that night.” Kameryn sits down in the chair in front of Ashlyn’s desk with a smirk. “We’re gonna be working closely for the foreseeable future and I’d like to think we’re friends now. You already know I’m discrete. So, is it work or personal?”

“Personal, it’s kind of a recent thing.” Ashlyn answers directly. “Wait a sec, did you play into my game that night?”

“Of course I did. I can charm too ya know.” Kameryn’s smile is devilish.

“No shit.” Ashlyn leans back in her chair with a smile. “I guess I’m not that surprised now that I know you better.” She admits.

“Anyway, so it’s personal and not work.” Kameryn gets back to it. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not at work.” Ashlyn shuts it down there.

“Fair.” Kameryn says easily. “Well, you look like you could use a night out. We’ve all been here late the last two days anyway. My wife traveled with me this week, so how about you come out to dinner with us? She’d love to meet you and she’s a life coach, so she’s good at all kinds of personal stuff. Promise she’s discrete too.”

“You have a wife?” Ashlyn asks slightly wide-eyed.

“What, didn’t think I’d be with a woman or didn’t think I’d be married?” Kameryn questions in amusement. Everything has been kept pretty professional among the two companies’ staff members to this point, but now that they’re all working more closely, some of those walls are starting to come down.

“Definitely not the woman thing, which is why I tried to charm you in the first place.” Ashlyn smirks.

“Back at you.” Kameryn laughs. “Why is it so hard to believe that I’m married?”

“It’s not I guess. Just surprised it hasn’t come up yet.” Ashlyn replies. “Also, you totally let me charm you!” She chuckles and shakes her head. “I got beat at my own game.”

“You did.” Kameryn gives her a shit eating grin. “Anyway, my wife is spunky and really fun. It’ll be a good time and I promise you won’t feel like a third wheel. You in?”

“She’s the spunky one?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow, knowing just how upbeat Kameryn always seem to be.

“Yep, a real firecracker. Is that a yes?” Kameryn presses.

Ashlyn takes a few more seconds to consider it. The less time she has alone these days, the better. Otherwise it leads to being curled up in bed with Ali’s hoodie watching documentaries until she can’t see straight and inevitably falls asleep. Whitney is working late on a security patch tonight, Megan will be busy because it’s Sue’s night off, and Crystal has her last final this evening. “Yeah, ok. I’d like that, thanks.”

“No real pressure to talk about anything, but I’m still gonna ask later.” Kameryn warns her.

“We’ll see.” Ashlyn doesn’t commit. “Where are we going?”

“You’re the local. Pick us a spot with good food and strong drinks.” Kameryn gets up from the chair. “Text me the details and we’ll be there at 7pm.”

“Will do.” Ashlyn agrees. “Wait, did you come in here for something?”

“Just to check in on you. Mission accomplished. See you later.” Kameryn waves and walks out of the office.

Ashlyn slumps in her chair and throws her head back a bit. _Come on Ash, keep your shit away from work. You’re better than this. _She’s always been so good at compartmentalizing, but Ali Krieger somehow found her way into every single compartment. And worst of all, it doesn’t feel like a bad thing…it actually feels comforting.

\------

“HAO!” Ali throws her arms around Heather the second the woman opens the door.

“Kriegs!” Heather recovers enough of her balance from almost being bowled over and hugs her best friend tightly in return. “Oh my god, I missed you!” She and Dave have only been home about 7 hours and she’s exhausted, but she wouldn’t miss spending the evening with Ali for the world.

“I missed you too.” Ali buries her face into the woman’s shoulder and just hugs her for another solid minute right there in the doorway. “I really needed that HAO hug.” She admits softly and finally lets go.

“I can see that.” Heather gives her a knowing look. Despite that lengthy email update a couple of weeks ago, one brief look at Ali was all it took to realize she’s still a bit out of loop on what is going on. “Come on in.”

“Where’s Dave?” Ali asks.

“Right here wondering if I should be jealous of that hug when it bordered on awkwardly long.” Dave teases and waves from the hallway where he was leaning against the wall. “You look great, Ali.” He smiles as he approaches.

“Aww, Davey!” Ali gives him a big hug too. “You two look great yourselves. What did they feed you there? Wow.” She squeezes his bicep after noticing how much more fit he seems.

“More like I went months without eating crappy snack food. Apparently, the American diet is shit. Shocker.” Dave jokes.

“That and we played a lot of soccer and basketball with the kids there when we had free time.” Heather adds and smirks at her husband.

“Don’t you dare!” He warns her.

“And as usual, I’m already missing something. It’s like you two never left.” Ali laughs and shakes her head. Dave and Heather have always had their own non-verbal language that nobody else understands. A now-familiar heavy feeling spreads in her stomach. _Don’t go there_. She tries not to let Ashlyn creep into her thoughts for as long as she can.

“Oh come on, it’d be pretty _crappy_ not to tell her now.” Heather emphasizes a single word and bites her own lip in an attempt to hold back from laughing.

“You suck and this is why I’m going out!” Dave shoots her a playful look.

“Wait, you’re not staying?” Ali pouts.

“Nope. I’m not gonna be the third wheel while you two hens cluck away and catch up.” Dave teases and earns an elbow from Ali. “Kidding. I’m meeting Matt and Gabe for some beers and pool. I ran out and got you two some bottles of your favorite Merlot though, it’s in the wine cabinet. And some snacks in the fridge and on the counter.” He grabs his keys and starts putting his coat on.

“Awww, baby. Didn’t know you did that, thank you.” Heather gives him a quick kiss. “Now get out so we can talk about you.” She adds with a devilish smile.

“Whatever she tells you is completely untrue.” He tells Ali.

“Doubtful.” Ali counters. “But the wine was a nice touch. Thanks, Mr. Perfect. Be safe and tell the guys hi for me.”

“Will do.” Dave replies and kisses Heather one more time before heading out. “I’ll be home around 11pm, you two have fun!”

“Alone at last!” Heather exclaims loudly.

“I heard that!” Dave calls back through the now closed door making Heather and Ali laugh.

“Nice to see that your time in Africa didn’t change things.” Ali says as they walk into the kitchen to get the wine and some snacks.

“I’m afraid to tell you that we got even closer.” Heather replies lightly, grabbing the pre-made cheese and fruit tray she sees in the fridge.

“What could be closer than the way you two already speak telepathically?” Ali jokes and works on uncorking a bottle of wine.

“Probably cleaning cow shit out of his ears with a q-tip.” Heather answers casually.

“What?!” Ali stops what she’s doing.

“Yep.” Heather confirms.

“Tell me everything!” Ali pleads, knowing this has to be good by the mirthful look on Heather’s face.

“Most of the people there speak French, so we did fairly well when it came to basic things. But then there are local dialects and lesser spoken languages in the smaller villages that made it harder to communicate.” Heather explains. “Anyway, we found that one of the best ways to connect with the local people there was to kind of hang out with them. Sometimes that meant having dinner with them or joining in on a soccer or basketball game.”

“That sounds really cool.” Ali muses.

“It was, and such a good way to understand their culture better. Most people there have very few resources, so they’re very careful with what they do have. That meant that a lot of the kids would take their shoes off and play soccer barefoot. So in an effort not to stick out, Dave started playing with them barefoot.” Heather recounts. “They also have limited land resources there, so it’s not like there was a real soccer field. They just put up makeshift goal markers and played on farming fields.”

“Oh boy, I see where this is going.” Ali’s lips curl into a smile.

“You know it. He totally ran right into a big pile of cow manure and slipped and fell in it!” HAO is already laughing so hard she can barely finish. “He was covered!”

“Oh my god!” Ali guffaws along with her, picturing very neat and orderly Dave covered in shit from head to toe.

“He was horrified and I kinda was too. I mean, think about it… a trauma surgeon who can be called in at moment to operate and is covered in cow shit in a country where sanitation is poor and infection rates are sky high.” Heather sighs. “Yeah, so literally had to hose him down clean out every fucking crevice.”

Ali can’t help but keep giggling. “I’m sorry, that sounds awful…but it’s also hilarious!”

“Oh, that’s not even the best part.” Heather keeps going.

“It isn’t?!” Ali’s eye go wide.

“Nope. Same exact thing happened again not even two weeks later!” Heather laughs. “Twice! The local kids were calling him ‘sale bête’ for dirty beast!”

Ali laughs so hard she has tears in her eyes and has to hold on to the counter as she doubles over. “I can’t…oh my god, I’m gonna die laughing!” It takes her a solid minute to compose herself. “No wonder he didn’t want you to tell me. I’m so calling him that!”

“He’s gonna kill me, but so worth it.” Heather shrugs and grabs their snacks. “Pour the wine and let’s hit the couch.”

“I’m really glad you’re home.” Ali leans back against the couch and takes a long sip of wine.”

“Me too. Kind of feels surreal still to be back, but it was amazing to nap in my bed today.” Heather says softly.

“As much as I appreciate the funny stuff, you know you don’t have to sugarcoat with me.” Ali finds her eyes. For as much as Heather and Dave look physically fit and happy to be home, she can easily see they are worn down with an underlying sense of melancholy. “Was it awful?”

“Yes and no. It was life changing in the most amazing way, but it was…it was really hard.” Heather reveals, not exactly sure how to describe it. “Right now, I’m dying to hear about you and what has been going on with the surrogacy thing. And of course, this Ruby Rose looking perfection that you fell for.” She switches topics.

“No way, that can wait.” Ali shakes her head. “You’ve been in a foreign country for months doing incredible life-saving things in the midst all sorts of situations that I can only imagine were challenging and horrific. Talk to me about it.”

“Ali, I love you dearly and I promise we’ll talk about it. You know I won’t hold back with you.” Heather lets out a little breath. “Two days before we left, there was a landslide in a neighboring area. Almost thirty people died and many were children no more than 12 years old. We helped…it was bad. And just honestly, I’m not ready yet. I need to have some normalcy for a few days. Let’s talk about you.”

“I’m so sorry.” Ali leans over and hugs her for a minute. “I’m here any time and I’m so glad you’re home safe.”

“I know.” Heather settles back into her spot and redirects again. “Now tell me about her.”

“Well for a girl who wants normalcy, this whole thing is far from normal or even light conversation. You sure?” Ali warns her.

“For fuck’s sake, tell me!” Heather insists.

It’s nearly an hour later when Ali finishes telling Heather whatever she possibly can, an empty wine bottle on the coffee table and a new one opened.

“I feel so untethered right now. Like I found everything in one person, lost it…and now I feel totally misplaced.” Ali throws her head back against the couch pillow, everything inside feeling raw after detailing it all. “And it’s insane, right? Sounds completely insane.”

“Definitely not insane.” Heather disagrees. “You’re just in love. Really actually in love. I’m not even sure I know what to do with that.” She confesses.

“What do you mean?” Ali looks at her in confusion.

“I don’t know, Kriegs. I just never thought you’d be the head-over-heels in love person. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, I swear.” Heather tries to temper her statement. “The way you’re so steeped in relationship and sex dynamics, and the way you’ve always been so real-world. I just didn’t see it happening and it’s surprising I guess.”

“What are you talking about?” Ali is still befuddled. “I’ve obviously been in love before. A couple times at least…of all people, you know that.”

“Yeah, but not like most people.” Heather counters. “You’re always practical in love and not like adrift at the mercy love.”

“Love is different for everyone, and I’ve been in love.” Ali isn’t sure what else to say.

“You still don’t see it.” Heather insists. “You and Brian were so close, but come on, I’ve seen bromances with more spark than you two. That’s what I’m getting it. I’m not saying you didn’t love him. Of course you did, but it was in this very practical kind of way. Where everything was just about being the next logical step for you two and not because you were so crazy about each other. Do you see what I mean?”

“I guess.” Ali concedes. “But what about Grace?”

“Same thing, but in a slightly different way. Grace was the first person who was truly completely okay with you being a surrogate. And she was great, don’t get me wrong…but if it wasn’t for her being cool with your job, would you really have stayed with her as long as you did?” Heather waits for a response and just sees Ali bit her lip. “Exactly. You loved that someone like Grace existed. She gave you the hope of being able to be a surrogate and have a committed relationship. You loved the idea of her more than you ever really loved her. And you know that deep down, because it’s the real reason you two didn’t work out.”

“Yeah ok, I get it.” Ali lets out a long breath and throws her head back again. _Ashlyn is different for me, big fucking surprise. _“So now I’ve joined everyone else in being head-over-heels, and it sucks. So, fat lot of fucking good it did me.”

“It’s not a bad thing, Kriegs. It’s actually a great thing to know that you can feel that way about someone, and I’m sure you know that. If Dave up and left me tomorrow, I wouldn’t regret a minute of it.” Heather reassures her and gets a nod. “I’m just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing and just the difference I see in you. I love it, but I’m just a little speechless.”

“Ha, well you and me both.” Ali sighs. _It’s not just me, HAO sees it too. She definitely changed me._

“All I can say right now is that I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to meet a person so badly as I do this woman. I mean, just look at you…unbelievable. Can’t even imagine what she must be like in real life with you saying that you’re not even doing her justice.” Heather tells her.

“You’re gonna have to get in line behind Kyle and Syd.” Ali laughs lightly.

“I’m sure. Syd would be a battle, but I can take Kyle any day!” Heather jokes.

“Well you three can battle it out in your imaginary world because in the real world, your chances of meeting her are just about none.” Ali shoots her a sullen look and downs the rest of the wine in her glass.

“Oh, Kriegs…” Heather empathizes. “I know it must feel awful, but you really did the right thing. For you and for her.” She says meaningfully.

“I know.” Ali says glumly, but she couldn’t appreciate the honest statement more. Being a doctor, Heather is the one who comes closest to understanding her predicament. As much as Kyle and Syd have been great support, the affirmation that she handled things correctly from someone who gets it on a deeper level is something she really needs right now. “I’m just giving myself a little time to hurt, and then I have to step up and step forward with my life.”

“You will and you’ll be ok.” Heather can sense that it’s time to change the conversation a bit. “So, you’re really gonna drop the surrogate thing?”

“I am. It’s time. I feel like I’ve really reached the natural end of it and I’m ok with that.” Ali replies easily.

“Well, it’ll sure make life a bit less complicated.” Heather agrees. “I have an idea for how you might fill that extra time.”

“Oh yeah?” Ali raises an eyebrow.

“Get into the manicure business!” Heather suggests with a loud snort. “I’ve been biting these suckers to death for months and they desperately need your attention.” She holds up her fingers and fans them out.

“Oh my god, that’s so unsanitary! Any more biting and you might’ve accidentally amputated a fingertip! You’ve come to the right place.” Ali exclaims. “Get me a nail file, moisturizer, some q-tips, and nail polish stat!”

“I’m on it!” Heather dashes into the bathroom.

“HAO, I fucking missed you!” Ali yells from the couch in giggles watching a tipsy Heather almost trip over the hallway table and feeling a little more at peace than she has in days.

\----

“Glad you found the place ok. Thought you said your wife was coming with you?” Ashlyn asks as Kameryn finds her in the restaurant and sits at their table. “You totally made her up, huh?” She adds teasingly.

“I did not! And she_ is_ coming.” Kameryn pretend huffs. “One of her best friends is pregnant and she’s throwing her a baby shower. Anyway, on the way here we had a little extra time and stopped into this little boutique like two blocks away. She found like a million things in there she wants to get and practically danced for joy when the woman who owns the shop said she could just have everything shipped. Sooo, she’s still in there picking what she wants and getting the shipping order filled out.” She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t want to keep you waiting, so she said for us to get started.”

“That sounds exactly like Megan.” Ashlyn commiserates.

“Megan is a shopaholic? Who knew?!” Kameryn asks in amusement.

“So bad. Not that I’m much better when you put the two of us together, but she’s definitely worse. We drive Whit nuts.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Anyway, no problem. We can wait to order.”

“And here I thought my wife was the only lesbian who was shopping crazed. Guess not. Let’s get some drinks and an appetizer at least, who knows how long she’ll keep us waiting.” Kameryn suggests.

They only get through one round of drinks and about half an hour of mostly work related talk before a slender brunette with freckles and a vibrant smile approaches the table. “Hi! Sorry I’m late! I’m glad to see you ordered stuff. You must be Ashlyn.” She holds her hand out.

“Ashlyn, this is my wife Kelley. Kelley, this is Ashlyn.” Kameryn introduces them.

“Really nice to meet you.” Ashlyn politely shakes the woman’s hand, surprised at how firm her grip is for someone who seems to be pretty bubbly based on her overall demeanor. She’s a bit shorter than Kameryn, but they have a similar build and both have striking blue eyes. It’s hard to ignore just how attractive of a couple they are.

“You too.” Kelley sits down. “Did you two order dinner yet?”

“Nope. Just a round of drinks and a little appetizer. Look at the menu and we can order when the waiter comes back over.” Kameryn replies.

Kelley takes a minute to look over the menu before putting it down. “All set. I’ll just get an extra drink to get all caught up to you two.”

“What are you getting for dinner?” Kameryn asks, discretely shooting Ashlyn a tiny smile.

“Caesar salad with chicken.” Kelley quickly answers and looks confused when her wife and Ashlyn burst out laughing. “What?”

“I promise we weren’t making fun of you.” Ashlyn raises her hands up defensively and points at Kameryn. “Before you got here, she told me that you check the menu and always order Caesar salad to play it safe when you’re around someone new. She was right.”

“Kam, what the hell?!” Kelley lightly slaps her wife on the arm and glares at her. “And you conveniently forgot to mention that she was this attractive. I am so not comfortable with you two spending long hours alone in the office together anymore.” She points between Kameryn and Ashlyn.

“Kell!” Kameryn admonishes.

“Oh uh…” Ashlyn stutters, taken off guard and trying to come up with something to quickly reassure the woman about her level of professionalism.

“I’m kidding!” Kelley bursts out laughing. “Oh my god, your face! Pay back for the Caesar salad!”

“Practically gave me a heart attack.” Ashlyn puts her hand on her chest.

“Try not to kill the woman who’s about to put my company on the map.” Kameryn winks at her wife.

“And you knew she was kidding!” Ashlyn looks at Kameryn incredulously when she sees the smile on her face and figures it out. “This was a bad idea, I’ll never survive dinner at this rate.”

“I promise I don’t bite.” Kelley teases.

“She’s lying.” Kameryn remarks with a smirk.

“You two are trouble.” Ashlyn snickers, admittedly taken by their comfort with each other and how close they seem. “So, how long have you been together?”

“Eight years, four of them married.” Kameryn answers.

“Wow, that’s a solid chunk of time. Really wonderful.” Ashlyn comments.

“And she hasn’t returned me yet.” Kelley beams happily. “What about you?”

“Oh, I’m single.” Ashlyn answers simply and watches Kelley shoot Kameryn a surprised look.

“Yeah, I don’t get it either.” Kameryn shrugs in reply to Kelley’s expression. “Has to be by choice, right? I mean every single woman in this city must be falling at your feet.” She addresses Ashlyn. “Or is this because of the ‘personal’ thing that has you all down in the dumps?” She realizes before Ashlyn can answer.

“I guess by choice.” Ashlyn isn’t exactly sure how to respond. “It’s really complicated and, yes, it’s the personal thing too.” She’s saved by the waiter coming over to take their order, the conversation once again turning to Kelley’s odd Caesar salad tendency for a few minutes until a fresh round of drinks arrives.

“Bottoms up!” Kelley briefly holds up the glass of Bud Light she ordered and chugs it.

“Holy shit that was impressive.” Ashlyn says in awe, stunned that this fairly small woman just chugged a beer in mere seconds at the dinner table.

“I can’t take you anywhere!” Kameryn shakes her head at her wife.

“What, I had to catch up and now I’m caught up. Nothing easier than chugging a Bud.” Kelley says nonchalantly, more leisurely sipping the margarita she got along with the beer. “Onto to more important things… so, you’re single by choice and it’s complicated. Did you just get out of a relationship?” She steers them right back to talking about Ashlyn.

“Don’t pry, Kell. She’ll tell us if she wants to.” Kameryn tries to give Ashlyn an out when she sees her shift in her chair at the question.

“It’s wasn’t really a relationship.” Ashlyn says vaguely, trying to buy herself some time to decide how she wants to approach this. She’s usually pretty private about everything to whatever extent she can be and it’s hasn’t always been a good thing. If Ali taught her anything, it’s that opening up can be a way to heal. On one hand, she doesn’t want to overshare by giving overt details about her dark past or her sex life. On the other, everything with Ali is still so fresh and she’s been desperately grasping for more perspective. She trusts Kameryn enough to share business secrets, so why not this. They seem like they’re going to be good friends…and who cares if people know, it’s not that big of a deal if it gets out. She thinks about it for a few more seconds, and settles on a happy medium. _Tell the truth, don’t get graphic._

“So, like a friends with benefits thing?” Kameryn joins in on the questioning now.

“No, not that either. It was a professional relationship…um… a therapy one.” Ashlyn tries to start somewhere. “God, I haven’t had enough drinks for this.”

“Have mine.” Kelley slides her margarita over and earns a little laugh from Ashlyn. “So you had a relationship with your therapist?” She leans forward on her elbows in intrigue.

“Not exactly, but also sort of.” Ashlyn answers truthfully, but knows it answers nothing and only causes more confusion.

“Alright, let’s just hold on a second.” Kameryn stops the conversation. “Look Ashlyn, before you say or don’t say anything else, you really can trust that this conversation won’t leave this table. I know you don’t know us all that well yet, but we would never go spilling your dirt to people. We’ve had our own shit that we want kept discrete, and we completely understand.” She motions between her and Kelley. “Whatever gets said, I’ll never bring it up at work or even bring it up period unless you do. Obviously, don’t say anything you don’t want to, but know we won’t judge or spread it. Scouts honor.” She holds up three fingers in promise.

“Exactly what she said. I wasn’t a scout like she was, but er…lesbian honor, or something.” Kelley splits two fingers like a ‘v’ and sticks her tongue through them, getting a loud chuckle from Ashlyn and an elbow from Kameryn.

“You were a girl scout?” Ashlyn eyes Kameryn playfully.

“Hell yeah! Got all the badges and everything.” Kameryn replies proudly. “And had a crush on my den mother too.” She adds deviously.

“You might just be gayer than I am.” Ashlyn jokes, feeling increasingly at ease with their candidness.

“Nope, that would be me.” Kelley raises her hand. “I have a fetish for women in business suits. For real.” She openly divulges.

“This is all becoming so much clearer.” Ashlyn motions to Kameryn and teasingly puts her hand on her chin like she’s studying them.

“First time we had sex, I had to beg her to take off my damn work suit.” Kameryn spills and then puts her hand over her mouth.

“Okaaay, and you weren’t kidding.” Ashlyn replies with wide-eyes.

“Not at all.” Kelley owns it with a satisfied smile. “Good thing you’re dressed down or I might have had to take you home with us tonight.” She waggles her eyebrows at Ashlyn in jest, just as the waiter brings their dinner.

They spend a few minutes eating some of their dinner and making small talk. Ashlyn finds herself increasingly settling into the conversation as they all swap college stories. She learns that Kelley also went to Stanford, and even though they didn’t overlap during their time there, they had some of the same professors. It feels like no time at all before the waiter is clearing their empty plates and bringing another round of drinks.

“Alright, since there was a purpose to going out for dinner tonight…” Kameryn figures she’ll try one more, admittedly still concerned with how distracted and sad Ashlyn has seemed to her at work these last couple days. “You now know that Kelley is a beer chugging dork who has a major pant suit fetish. And you’ve learned that I screwed my business ethics professor in college in hopes that she’d give me a passing grade. Care to top that, Ms. Harris? Last chance.” She challenges.

_Now or never…why the fuck not. _“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn nods and sips her whiskey, glad the liquor has loosened her up enough. _Here we go. _“Either of you ever heard of a sex surrogate?” It’s out there, no taking it back now as both women shake their head no and look at her quizzically.

She brushes over her abuse history with her Dad and what happened with Sloane just so that they can understand better, but focuses more on the situation with Ali, leaving out sex details and spending more time on the emotional aspects. Three more rounds of drinks come and go before she’s done. To their credit, Kameryn and Kelley just listen attentively the whole time, their faces reflecting nothing but genuine curiosity. “So when I said personal and complicated…” Ashlyn ends it there, not finishing the sentence and feeling her stomach clench up.

“Ok, you win.” Kameryn is the first to say something, trying to keep it light to start off with before reaching to lightly hold Ashlyn’s forearm across the table. “I know it’s not what you’re looking for here, but I’ll say it anyway. Think I speak for both of us in saying that we’re so sorry for what you’ve gone through. Kell probably understands better than I do because her Mom wasn’t exactly one to spare using physical punishment when she grew up and that relationship is still a mess…but, we still can’t possibly imagine and we’re here for you and really sorry.”

Ashlyn looks from one set of blue eyes to the other and her stomach unclenches in relief. _No pity. _She can’t really find proper words so she nods her head and croaks out a tiny “thank you.”

“Sure thing.” Kelley smiles at Ashlyn, exchanging a single knowing look that only two abused kids would ever understand before she moves on to what she does best. “So, you found yourself in a place where you couldn’t have a proper physical relationship, which led you to bad relationships in general. And you hired a sex surrogate to help fix the problem, but also created new one.”

“Hmph. That’s about as simply put as it gets, yeah.” Ashlyn replies, definitely impressed with the tidy summary.

“Meet Kelley O’Hara, life coach.” Kameryn announces. “This is her thing. Simplify the problem, get to the root, and find a way to address it. And for an extra fee, she’ll cheerlead and pump you full of positive reinforcement the whole way!”

“I’m game.” Ashlyn chuckles softly and plays along.

“Seems simple to me. The root of the problem is that you don’t know if there’s still a problem or if you can solve it.” Kelley says casually.

“Huh?” Ashlyn cocks her head to the side, wondering if she’s had too much to drink. “Thought the root of the problem was that I couldn’t be with her.”

“Her name is Ali, right?” Kelley checks.

“Yeah, Ali.” Ashlyn confirms, and feels her stomach drop like usual when Ali’s name comes out of her mouth.

“Alright, let’s say you own a car that you absolutely love and will never part with. Only, the car has a problem where it has broken down a couple times now. Ali is the mechanic who has fixed your car. She eventually tells you that it’s not that complicated to fix and that she’ll show you how to fix it in case it happens again.” Kelley lays out the example. “It takes a while to learn, so while Ali is showing you how you fix it, she’s letting you drive her car. Her car is new, gorgeous, and it’s the only car you’ve ever loved other than yours. So, you get really attached to it, but you also still really love your car. So, eventually you learn how to fix your car and you have to give up Ali’s.”

“Geez Kell, get to the damn point. My brain hurts.” Kameryn groans.

“The point is that it sucks to give up Ali’s car, but you’re back in yours now and you’re getting reacquainted with it again. You love your car and you’re happy with it, but the important questions are… is your car fixed? Will it break down again? And if it does, can you fix it yourself?” Kelley makes her point.

Ashlyn takes it all in and sits there quietly for a minute as her brain starts making connections to what Ali said about her needing to move on. There’s an importance in fully understanding herself in terms of where she is without Ali. She was feeling lost and hopeless before Ali, and the brunette helped her find a healthy path…can she continue down the path on her own? The main goal was successful sex therapy, but she has no idea if it truly worked. Was it just because it was Ali and their connection or has she actually made healthy progress? She has no idea.

“That hits hard.” Ashlyn finally manages to say something. “I’m not even sure how to start figuring out if there’s still a problem right now.”

“Sleep with someone.” Kelley answers unceremoniously even as Kameryn simultaneously voices a more subdued “move on like Ali told you to.”

“Ugh, I so don’t feel ready for that.” Ashlyn grumbles, knowing deep down that they’re right, just like Ali was._ I can’t be in a healthy relationship even with Ali if I’m not totally healthy on my own. Duh. _

“Well, just don’t wait too long. You gotta check the car engine to see if it’s ok. And if it’s not, you see if you can fix it yourself with what you’ve learned. Just two steps, maybe even one.” Kelley concludes.

“And if it’s broken and I can’t fix it?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Oh fuck no, woman! I will not let you go down that road.” Kelley shakes her head vigorously.

“Sorry Ashlyn, that’s a life coach no-no. Positive ways forward only.” Kameryn parrots something her wife always says.

“You got it, cutie!” Kelley pinches Kameryn’s cheek. “First of all, we’re gonna be confident it’s not broken. Ali clearly knows her shit and we assume she fixed it good. But, if by some small chance it’s not quite right, we have every confidence that you can fix it! No other option, let’s do this!”

“We?” Ashlyn cracks a smile at Kelley’s exuberant voice and spastic hand waving, a very fascinating combination.

“We!” Kameryn and Kelley say in unison before Kameryn adds “no going back now, we’re invested!”

“Great, you two together with Whitney, Megan, and Crystal…I’m doomed.” Ashlyn jokes, but truthfully feels an incredible amount of support behind her.

“One more round then.” Kameryn suggests as if they’re celebrating a milestone.

“Three Bud Lights.” Kelley tells the waiter after she flags him down.

“Gross.” Ashlyn complains.

“Well anything stronger than that and we’ll all be crawling home at this point. So, watered down beer it is.” Kameryn shrugs.

“Fair point.” Ashlyn concedes, definitely on the edge of drunk after 5 double whiskeys.

When the beer arrives, Kelley quickly holds up her glass. “To new friends and checking the engine. We chug on the count of three…” She clinks her glass with theirs and counts. “1…2…3…chug it!”

Ashlyn chugs as fast as she can, trying not to laugh through the last few gulps when she sees she’s last by at least 30 seconds. “What?! I’m a whiskey drinker!” She defends her poor chugging skills.

“You’ll get another try soon enough. Next time we chug a Bud, it’ll be because you checked the engine.” Kelley says resolutely.

“Deal?” Kameryn presses Ashlyn.

“Deal.” Ashlyn agrees, part of her looking forward to chugging another terrible beer with these two because it least it will mark some kind of progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that was a lot!  
Thoughts on any of these new characters you're getting to know and who's your fav?  
Any bets on how long before Ashlyn checks the engine? (yeah, i know, nobody wants to think about it probably)


	39. Case of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up devoting more space than I expected to who Nancy is as well as bringing in another character. So, I split a very large chapter into two and cut this one off at the holidays even though it means the time jumps here are pretty small. So, those slightly bigger time jumps will actually start in the next chapter and not in this one like I originally said. My apologies if this turns out a little slower than you were hoping!
> 
> On the bright side, this means my next chapter (40) is already written and I'll get that out soon. Keep an eye on my Twitter @InkedWrite11 for a poll where you can vote on when you'd like chapter 40 posted.
> 
> As always, drop me a comment to let me know what you're thinking :-)

Case of You

** _December 25, 2018_ **

“Oh my god, you guys…I am so sorry!” Heather says as soon as her parents leave and the front door closes.

“When her parents insisted they were bringing Christmas dinner, I swear we had no idea her mom was going to suddenly go vegan and bring a stuffed tofurky.” Dave adds to his wife’s apology.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Dom says from the kitchen and immediately gets a look from Syd who knows he’s just being polite. “I didn’t say it wasn’t bad…I just said not _that_ bad.” He clarifies with a smile.

“So sweet, Dommy.” Kyle pats him on the back. “But I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it was the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth, and that is saying something.”

“And the way it like jiggled, ugggghhh.” Syd pretend gags.

“Never again.” Heather groans and buries her face in her hands.

“You guys must be starving. I know I am.” Dave looks around the room to a bunch of nods.

“Kyle and I could probably whip something up from whatever you guys have around.” Ali offers.

“Leftover tofurky sandwiches for everyone!” Kyle announces loudly and gets a throw pillow tossed at him by Heather.

“It’s not a proper Christmas in the city unless you get some late night Chinese food. Want to go on a food quest, gents?” Dom looks at Dave and Kyle.

“I’m game.” Dave replies.

“Baby, yeeeees! Get me some crab rangoons and fried rice and I’ll wrap myself in a bow for you tonight.” Syd practically drools at her husband’s offer.

“Okay, one order of wonton wrapped aphrodisiacs for Syd!” Kyle sasses her. “Al?”

“Beef with broccoli, please. And get a large order of that fried rice cause I’m gonna steal some.” Ali requests.

“Chicken Lo Mein for me and an egg roll.” Heather adds her order.

“Alright, we’ll be back in a jiffy.” Dom promises, all three guys heading off together.

Heather, Syd, and Ali sit on the couch enjoying the glow of the Christmas tree, each of them falling into a contemplative silence without even realizing it.

“Why are we so fucking quiet? Like a damn library in here, except I can hear you two thinking as loudly as I am.” Syd breaks the stillness and snaps them out of it. “And if we’re thinking, it means we need to be spilling.”

“I believe that means you volunteer to go first then.” Ali challenges playfully.

“Ok, fine. I’m just thinking about how by this time next year we could have a kid, or at least one on the way. Kind of mind blowing.” Syd reveals unceremoniously.

“You decided on trying for a baby?!” Heather sits up excitedly.

“Wait, are you guys officially trying already?” Ali follows-up, already in the know about Syd and Dom’s decision about having kids soon.

“Yep, we decided a couple months ago on our vacation.” Syd answers Heather first. “And I just stopped birth control this month, so I guess it can be any time now. Who knows how long it’ll take, but just knowing it’s right on the horizon kind of changes everything.”

“God, I bet. Dave and I said we’d give it a go maybe after this next Africa trip. Let ourselves get settled back in and then try. Even just thinking about it is enough to overwhelm me a little, forget actually trying. Wow, this is amazing though. I’m happy for you guys.” Heather says warmly.

“You and Dom are going to be the best parents. I mean that. There’s just so much love in your home. The balance you bring to each other, and just the fun you always have. Gonna be one very lucky kid.” Ali reaches to squeeze Syd’s hand.

“Thanks, ladies. Knowing I have you two and my mom brings such peace of mind. Cause you already know I’m gonna freak the fuck out the second that pregnancy test comes back positive!” Syd laughs.

“I’m gonna have a tranquilizer ready for you.” Heather jokes.

“Better make it a horse tranquilizer!” Ali adds with a chortle and gets a glare from Syd.

“Alright, alright.” Syd reaches for the wine bottle and fills all of their glasses. “You’re up, HAO.”

“I’ve already droned on enough about this, but it’s been kind of hard to be home celebrating the holidays after having seen so much over the last few months. I guess it just feels weird right now to be all comfy cozy happy holidays while the people in those villages are in dire conditions and usually under attack.” Heather tells them what’s on her mind. “And yay for having enough white privilege to feel bad about your white privilege.” She adds sarcastically and rolls her eyes at herself. “Ignore the white savior over here.”

“Cut yourself some slack, honey. You’re the last person I would accuse of having a white savior mentality.” Syd pipes right up. “There are awful things happening all over the world. In the grand scheme of things, you’re one of the few people that is actually trying to do something about it. And maybe that doesn’t seem like such a big deal to you because you’re just doing your job. But you’re saving lives in this world that would have never had a chance without you. That’s a big fucking deal and something to be proud of. You can’t fix it all, but at least you’re honestly trying, and even putting yourself in danger to do it. That’s far more than the rest of us can say for ourselves. You can’t help anyone else if you’re not taking care of yourself first though, so it’s ok to take time for yourself. It’s like when you’re on a flight and the stewardess tells you during the safety speech that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others…same deal.”

“Exactly what she said.” Ali nods. “Guess I can take off my therapist hat tonight, you two have it handled.” She jokes and sips her wine.

“Which brings us to you…” Heather prompts Ali.

“Please, you both already know damn well what I’m thinking about.” Ali replies flatly.

“Anything new about it?” Syd asks.

“Seriously? You two have tried to drag every detail out of me for the better part of a week now. Trust me, there’s nothing new.” Ali shoots them a level look. “Nothing I can share anyway.”

“Well I still have something I can’t put my finger on.” Heather chimes in and gets a nod from Ali which signals that she can continue. “I’ve known you forever and your willpower is positively insane, Kriegs. You’ve always been totally by the book about everything. I know she was different for you, but still…I just don’t quite understand what exactly it was that brought you to this whole other level that nobody has ever seen you go to before. How come you didn’t just walk away and refer her to someone else?”

Syd doesn’t say anything, but sits forward very attentively as if she’s dying to hear the answer herself.

“I’m sure it was being by the book that took me down that road to begin with.” Ali shrugs. “For starters, I’ve never given up on a client or passed them off to someone else. So, I was bound to stay with it. Plus, it’s also fairly common for surrogates to fall in love with clients. I was well aware of that even though it had never happened to me personally before this. And I knew the appropriate approach to take in that situation, which was to allow it to happen and be really open about it, but maintain boundaries.”

“Even when it got so intense that boundaries you usually set started to get away from you?” Heather raises an eyebrow.

“Especially then.” Ali nods and takes a long sip of wine. “Once I got to know her…I mean really deeply got to know her and was able to feel her on this level I can’t put words to, there was no way I was ever going to walk away from her.”

“Why?” Heather presses her on it because it’s so out of character for Ali that she’s still trying to wrap her head around it.

Ali takes another sip of wine and thinks on it for a minute, the answer undeniable now that she’s forced to really consider the question.

“Because I didn’t know I could love someone as unconditionally as the way I love her, and that I could be loved the same way in return. I didn’t know that I could live in a moment with someone and have nothing else in the world around us matter. I didn’t think it was possible that someone would truly want to know all of me and then actually understand me perfectly after they did. And I certainly never expected that someone could find the darkest places inside me and settle there without me having any fear. But she did every single one of those things. And once I let myself actually love her with everything I had and felt the way she loved me back the same, there was no walking away. I couldn’t walk away from her until walking away was the only thing left to do to ensure she’d be okay. Because I deserved that kind of love…and I deserved her.” Ali finishes resolutely, quickly wiping the tear that escaped and composing herself.

“That is the smartest fucking thing I have ever heard you say.” Syd says with finality and reaches to clink her glass with Ali’s. “Merry Christmas to ALL of that!”

“Yeah. Just…wow.” Heather whispers, too blown away to say anything else and reaching to clink her glass too. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” Ali replies with a little smile, for the first time starting to actually feel like she did the right thing by walking away instead of just knowing it.

\----

“Alright Ryan, everyone is praising your amazing skills and I haven’t had a chance to test you yet. Show me what you’ve got.” Ashlyn tasks him as he stands there at a small corner bar with a selection of wines made by his winery.

With Whitney’s and Megan’s families visiting for the holidays and the addition of Sue’s parents, everyone had agreed to make things easier by reserving a hotel suite for Christmas day, decorating it, and having dinner catered. In an effort to get her parents to bond with Ryan more and give him a chance to explain what he does, Whitney had asked him to bring some of his wines to do a little tasting for everyone. So far, he’s been able to impressively pick a perfect wine for everyone based on a couple of simple questions.

“Challenge accepted!” Ryan says enthusiastically. “So to give you the quick rundown, my winery only makes red wines. While we definitely buy grapes from small select vineyards all over the country to supplement, we make all of our wines with at least thirty to fifty percent of our own grapes grown here in the city. Cabernet Sauvignon, Cabernet Franc, and Malbec grapes grow best here, so red wines.”

“Hold on, I thought urban winemakers just bought or imported grapes from other places and made signature blends at city based wineries. You seriously grow grapes here in NYC?” Ashlyn asks skeptically.

“Yep, we have over 168 grapevines growing right here in the city.” Ryan replies matter-of-factly.

“How? Where?” Ashlyn still can’t believe it.

“Most people have no clue they’re there even though we a nice wine bar up there and lots of hammocks and relaxation space in the warmer months. I rent over 15,000 square feet of rooftops in the Brooklyn Navy Yard.” Ryan answers.

“I had no idea you could even do that. And obviously you manage to grow grapes pretty damn well…on a fucking roof! I’m so impressed and also totally baffled.” Ashlyn tells him.

“To be honest, it was just a wild idea for a long time since nobody had ever done it before. I just tried it and it worked.” Ryan shrugs humbly.

“Alright, alright, stop being modest and show her your swagger.” Whitney butts in.

“Keep it in your pants, Watson.” Ashlyn teases. “But yes, let’s do this. I’m dying to try this wine that she never shuts up about.”

“We have seven reds that we make right now, all are named after notable women in history.” Ryan prefaces before starting his questions. “Ok Ash, so what’s your normal go-to drink other than wine?”

“Whiskey for sure.” Ashlyn answers.

“And if you had to pick from pasta, chicken, steak, or seafood for a meal, which would it be?” Ryan asks.

“Steak.” Ashlyn replies.

“Last question, what’s your favorite dessert?” Ryan asks.

“Anything with chocolate really. Does that answer the question enough or do I have to be more specific?” Ashlyn checks.

“Nope, that’s good enough. So for you, I’m thinking our strong and full-bodied Bordeaux blend. It has a fourteen percent alcohol content with a nice dry finish.” Ryan begins pouring a little bit in a glass for her. “If you really let it roll over your tongue, you might discover subtle hints of cherry and roasted coffee.”

Ashlyn takes the glass and does the obligatory swirl and smells it even though she’s not much of a wine connoisseur. She sips it and holds it in her mouth for a few seconds before swallowing it. “Oh wow, that is smooth and everything you said it was. I love that.” She takes the last sip and holds up her glass for him to fill it. “Damn, you are good. I’m going to need a whole case of that, I’m serious.” She compliments him and takes another sip.

“Awesome, glad you like it. It’s not that hard though, people’s food preferences are pretty good indicators of the wines they’ll be drawn to.” Ryan says as he fills Ashlyn’s glass.

“Told you!” Whitney gloats. “He even has the twerp drinking red wine tonight.” She motions to Megan a few feet away.

“It’s true. He’s that good!” Megan lifts her glass up. “Try the Joan of Arc one!”

“Can’t believe you make this right here in the city. It’s incredibly good. Should’ve have listened to Whit sooner and not assumed she was just bragging about you.” Ashlyn winks at Ryan. “So, which historically notable woman is my wine bitch?” She asks the name of the wine playfully after hearing Megan’s.

“Our strongest and most high end wine is fittingly named after the great Queen Elizabeth II. Of course royals are often first named after a former monarch, and so their given name is their middle name. So, we named this beautiful and mighty blend… Alexandra. I guess that makes her your wine bitch.” Ryan smiles and turns the bottle for Ashlyn to see the image of Queen Elizabeth II on the label with ‘Alexandra’ in script printed just below it.

“Right. Of course.” Ashlyn mumbles, her heart dropping like a stone. She’s done so well the last few days at staying present and enjoying everyone’s company without obsessing over Ali every minute…the brunette’s name now uttered in a single unrelated moment is enough to stifle her progress.

_Just when I felt like I was getting somewhere._ Ashlyn lets out a deep sigh and takes a long gulp of the wine. “Well Alexandra, I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet.” She says forlornly and quickly excuses herself, softly clinking her glass with Megan’s on her way out to the balcony.

“Fuck.” Whitney curses, feeling stupid that she didn’t think ahead about the Alexandra wine.

“Yeeeeah. Butch can’t catch a fucking break.” Megan cringes even as Sue lets out a low groan beside her.

“Did I say something wrong?” Ryan asks worriedly, unsure of what just unfolded.

“No, honey. She’s just going through a sort of break up thing. Kind of hard to say anything that’s right at the moment, not your fault.” Whitney reassures him without explaining any further. She’s serious about Ryan and at some point she’ll talk to Ashlyn and think about filling him in to some extent, but right now he doesn’t know much.

“Oh, was she named Alexandra or something like that?” Ryan starts to put together what happened.

“Yep.” Whitney gives him the simple truth.

“Awww, shit. I’m sorry.” Ryan grimaces. “Poor, Ash.”

“You just keep the wine flowing and I’ll go check on her.” Whitney suggests.

“I’ll go with you.” Megan says as she eyes Ashlyn outside leaning on the balcony railing.

“Nah, let me take a crack at it.” Sue waves them both off and heads out to the balcony before either one of them can protest.

“How are we doing out here?” Sue sidles right up beside Ashlyn and nudges her softly.

“Just trying to breathe for a minute, and freezing.” Ashlyn replies. “I guess you got selected to go check on the pathetic lump out here.”

“Watch it Dreamboat, I’m not the twerp and I will not hesitate to dope slap you if necessary. You’re not pathetic, so cut the shit.” Sue warns her.

“Fair and got it.” Ashlyn half smiles at her. They stand there quietly for a couple minutes until she realizes that Sue is just going to wait her out for as long as it takes. “It has been like three weeks now. When is it going to stop feeling like this?”

“Feeling like what?” Sue tosses the question back at her.

“I dunno, like everything with her has all this power over me.” Ashlyn can’t express it any better.

“Well in that case, the answer is whenever you stop letting it hold power over you.” Sue replies nonchalantly.

“Are you really going to pull a bartender therapy mindfuck on me right now?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Do you really need another therapist right now?” Sue counters.

“Fuck no.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“Do you know why I waited almost a month for Meg to ask me out without saying a word even though I gave her my number like a million times?” Sue asks after they’ve been quiet for another minute.

“I honestly have no idea…especially now that I know you better.” Ashlyn considers it. “Pinoe has never been one to ask anyone out, and you seem like you go right after anything you want. Somehow the tables were turned there and I can’t say I know why. I’m just glad it worked out for you two.”

“You’re right, I do go after what I want. And I really liked her from day one. She drew me right in and I saw something in her that I’ve never seen in anyone else.” Sue explains. “The problem with people like me is that sometimes we force things because we’re so gung-ho and it sort of ruins it before it even starts.”

“So you went halfway and let her come the rest of the way. Balanced from the start because she was important to you?” Ashlyn fills in as she understands better, even though she’s not sure what this has to do with her own situation.

“Exactly.” Sue confirms. “But also, despite being so proactive, I’m a firm believer that what belongs to you will always be yours. So I actually waited patiently this time, knowing damn well that if she was supposed to mine, then she would be.”

“Hmm, I can buy into that.” Ashlyn nods.

“But can you buy into for yourself?” Sue questions.

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn’s brow furrows.

“I mean that maybe you’re not quite ready yet, but soon enough you need to move forward with your life without looking back. And if Ali belongs to you or with you, then she is always yours no matter how you move forward.” Sue keeps her point simple.

“And what if she doesn’t belong to me?” Ashlyn asks softly.

“Then it means that someone else does. And you’re never gonna find out who if you’re stuck on someone who doesn’t, right?” Sue asks pointedly.

“Right.” Ashlyn nods and lets out a breath. “Well, I guess that’s the kick in the ass that I absolutely needed right now.”

“Any time.” Sue wraps an arm around Ashlyn’s shoulders and side hugs her. “Besides, you’re not the only one whose sophisticated palate led them to Alexandra tonight.” She holds up her glass of wine with a smile.

“Isn’t she just divine?” Ashlyn grins and looks down at her own glass.

“She sure is, Dreamboat.” Sue agrees with a little laugh. “To Alexandra belonging to you.” She clinks her glass to Ashlyn’s.

“To Pinoe belonging to you.” Ashlyn reciprocates. “Never thought I’d wish that on anybody.” She adds jokingly.

“Well Merry Christmas to you too then, biiitch.” Sue mimics Megan and nudges Ashlyn again with a playful glare.

“Merry Christmas, hayseed.” Ashlyn chuckles loudly, feeling somewhat composed and ready to go back inside. “Come on, it’s fucking freezing out here!” She yanks Sue towards balcony door.

“Duh, but someone had to go talk your ass out of self-imposed hypothermia!” Sue sasses and lightly pushes Ashlyn inside.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 26, 2018_ **

“Can I put you on hold for a moment? Great, thanks.” Nancy mutes the telephone in her hand when she sees Ashlyn walk into the little reception area. “Hi Ashlyn, good to see you.” She smiles at her and tries not to appear flustered. “You can head right into my office and I’ll be there in a couple minutes. Silvia is out with a cold and I’m trying to play receptionist for the day. I’m just going to finish scheduling this person and I’ll be right in.”

“Take your time.” Ashlyn reassures her and walks down the hallway to Nancy’s office. She plops down on the small couch and takes in this year’s little touches of Christmas décor around the room, realizing that it has actually been a couple months since she was last here. She’s admiring the poinsettia plant on the bookshelf when her eye catches the framed picture that’s usually there, her heart jumping as she sits forwards and squints at it.

_You are losing you’re fucking mind. _Ashlyn blinks her eyes a few times and realizes that it’s not Ali in the photo even though it sort of looks like her from afar. Still, she gets up and walks over to the bookshelf to have a closer look. She’s seen this picture countless times in Nancy’s office over their years of sessions together, but it has never grabbed her attention until now.

A much younger Nancy stands on the left side of the photo in her Columbia University cap and gown, her arms around an attractive brunette woman dressed the same way. The brunette definitely isn’t Ali, obviously it couldn’t be, but there is certainly a resemblance. _That smile. _Ashlyn can hear Nancy ending the call down the hallway and goes back to sit on couch, still trying to decide if she’s going crazy.

“So sorry for the madness this morning, I’m all yours now.” Nancy quickly scurries into her office and closes the door behind her before sitting down across from Ashlyn. “How was your Christmas and how are you?”

“Totally fine about the delay Nance, relax.” Ashlyn waves off her apology. “Christmas was good. Whitney and Megan’s families are both here, so it has been crazy busy even though it’s nice to see everyone. Good distraction at least and I guess I’m just hanging in there for now. How was your holiday?”

“It was good. I spent some time with my sister in New Jersey.” Nancy replies politely before focusing in on Ashlyn. “So tell me more about what you mean by ‘hanging in there’.”

“I’m still thinking about her all the time, but also doing slightly better at being able to focus on work or being social. Like it’s getting a bit easier to be and stay distracted than it was at the beginning, but I’m still so easily reminded of her…sometimes in unexpected ways.” Ashlyn glances again at the picture on Nancy’s bookshelf. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Of course.” Nancy nods.

“Who is that with you in the picture?” Ashlyn points to it.

“That’s my dear friend Debbie. The picture is from the day we graduated from the Columbia School of Social Work.” Nancy smiles and leaves it at that, intrigued to see where Ashlyn takes this even though she has a pretty good idea where it’s going.

“Debbie.” Ashlyn repeats the name as her brain makes the connection, her eyes lingering on the photo. _That smile, it’s completely Ali’s_. “Deb Krieger? Ali’s mother?” She inquires even though she knows the answer.

“Yes. We were great friends and also colleagues.” Nancy confirms and waits for Ashlyn’s reaction.

“So, you and Ali know each other in a more personal way?” Ashlyn asks softly, but continues to speak as she wraps her head around everything. “She told me all about her parents and what happened to them, how she followed in her mother’s footsteps. She never mentioned that you and her mother were good friends.”

“Well I suppose this is as good a place as any to start today. Honestly, I’ve known Ali since she was born…I’m her godmother.” Nancy reveals. “Based on what you told me in one of our check-ins, Ali told you a bit about how she struggled with the death of her parents?”

“She did. We talked about it pretty deeply.” Ashlyn replies.

“When Debbie died, there was a real change in Ali as she grappled with it. I’m not sure if it was her sudden commitment to a therapy career path or how she was coping with everything, but at that time the relationship between her and I took on a less personal feel for some reason. Since then, she has more regarded me as a close colleague than her godmother.” Nancy explains. “I don’t want you to think I was hiding my personal ties to her. It’s just more that she and I have maintained a professional rapport for a long time now, so the personal background wasn’t something relevant until now. And I’m sure the same is true for her not specifically telling you about me.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn thinks it over. “I’m not upset about it or anything, just kind of curious I guess.” She says before giving herself a moment to process it all. “Maybe she did sort of mention you and I didn’t know enough to put it together. She told me that she got her real start in a small practice with a family friend. Was that you?”

“That was me. She was working for the state as a social worker right after she graduated and didn’t love it because she wanted to pursue relationship therapy like Debbie. We talked about it and decided together on her starting here in my practice. She was in that office right across the hall from mine.” Nancy reminisces. “She always talked about how she felt like we were missing the ability as therapists to really tap into a client’s sexual reality because we had no way of being in that moment with them and understanding what they were physically and emotionally experiencing firsthand. Anyway, I went to this conference one day and met a couple of people involved in sex surrogacy. I was mind blown by it and told Ali all about what I learned, put her in touch with them, and the rest is history. It took me a while to really understand what she was doing, but I always supported her in it and eventually started referring clients to surrogates when I realized how effective it could be for some people.”

“Hmmm, this is a lot to take in.” Ashlyn replies. “In a good way.” She quickly adds when she sees Nancy’s brow furrow slightly. “Have you mostly referred your clients to Ali then?” She asks curiously.

“Not necessarily. Like I told you when I referred you to her, I tend to stick to pretty traditional therapy unless I get to a point that I think something further is needed. And Ali only works with women and her specialty area is vaginismus, so that is fairly narrow. I think she’s truly one of the best therapists out there even outside of surrogacy, so I referred clients to her that fit into her expertise. There have only been about nine or so total that I have referred to surrogates…a few to Ali, and then others I have referred to other surrogates that she suggested or that I researched myself. So no, can’t say I’ve mainly referred clients to her.” Nancy answers openly.

Ashlyn nods and stays quiet for a minute as her mind continues to swirl with everything Nancy has told her, finally settling on the question that her heart wants the answer to. “Can I ask…outside of my specific issue, is there a reason you picked Ali for me?”

“Yes, of course.” Nancy says confidently. “Working with you for years, I have a good feel for how you approach things and where you feel most hesitant. And I also know Ali really well in terms of how she approaches things. You are someone who navigates the world on a higher level, who relishes in making deep connections and gaining a true understanding of yourself in whatever you are facing. Ali is someone who is fearless in wading through depths of emotional and physical turmoil, who isn’t afraid of vulnerability. She is methodical, remarkably intuitive and insightful, and confident in being able to find a path forward even in tough situations through the power of self-awareness.”

“Yeah I can see exactly what you’re saying.” Ashlyn affirms.

“I knew that for this to work properly for you, that you would need to form a deep connection with the surrogate you were working with. Knowing your past, I also understood how intense the vulnerability would be for you to be able achieve that kind of connection you needed. And I knew that above all else, you’d need gain a better understanding of yourself in order to make progress in a surrogate situation.” Nancy continues. “I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect than Ali to work with you on those things. I knew that you two could potentially connect in a thoughtful and reflective way based on your personal experiences and that she would guide you in facing the vulnerabilities that would help you take steps forward. Above all else, knowing how intense it could get for you, I couldn’t have trusted any therapist more to make sure that neither of you got lost in it. I implicitly trusted that she would get you to a solid path of your own where you lead the way.”

“She didn’t let you down on that.” Ashlyn says a bit sadly.

“No, she didn’t.” Nancy agrees. “More importantly, she let _you_ down on that. I know that right now being on a path of your own may not feel like a positive thing, but it actually is.”

“I know.” Ashlyn concedes, but her heart isn’t fully satisfied by the level-headed explanation she just got. “In the spirit of moving forward though, I just need to know…because something strikes me from what you just said and I want to be clear on it.” She finds Nancy’s eyes. “So from the beginning, you saw something about Ali and I that stood out as being harmonious in a way?”

“Absolutely.” Nancy doesn’t hesitate. “Was I predicting that you two would fall deeply in love, actually profess that to each other, and that this whole thing would feel like a massive break up? Definitely not…probably because I knew Ali’s style of professionalism. But very truthfully, I foresaw an easy compatibility and comfort between you two, and an ability to connect and understand each other in a profound way. Two people who were very well-matched.”

“So, it’s not just me. You see it too?” Ashlyn knows she’s really pressing Nancy beyond what the woman wants to verbally commit to. Still, she can’t help but appeal to only person right now that knows both her and Ali on a deeper level. The only person she’ll actually believe to give her the real answer that she’s seeking. “Whatever the truth is, please just tell me.” She pleads one more time.

“Ok Ashlyn, but you need to view this as something we are actively working on moving forward from.” Nancy cautions before answering the question in earnest. “Yes, I see it too.” She gives Ashlyn a little smile and shakes her head at herself that she gave in.

_She sees it too. Alex and I…it’s actually there. _Ashlyn feels like a little bit of a weight has been lifted at the moment, the conversation with Sue also still fresh on her mind. _Maybe we really do belong to each other somehow and maybe I need to just trust in that._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** **

** _December 31, 2018_**

“Hi, Ali.”

Ali turns around from the crowded bar and finds a woman with short pixie-cut hair smiling at her somewhat expectantly. She has greyish blue eyes that perfectly complement the navy blue collared shirt she’s wearing, a light gray tie stylishly loose around her neck.

“Hi.” Ali quickly replies as she wracks her brain to try and figure out where she might know this woman from. Nothing immediately comes to her and she gives up before it gets awkward. “I’m sorry, do we know each other?”

“Not at all. I’m Esme.” The woman giggles softly and introduces herself. “That handsome fella over there who claims to be your brother was kind enough to inform me that you don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight.” She points to Kyle who is across the room talking to his friend Tyler. “And as it turns out, neither do I.”

“Right.” Ali nods a bit dumbly, not immediately sure what to say.

The original plan had been to have dinner at Heather and Dave’s and then head home to cozy up on the couch, but Kyle had insisted that everyone go to a party with him tonight. Never people to pass up festivities, Syd and Dom immediately agreed even though they leave early in the morning, and Heather and Dave followed suit. Leave it to Kyle to not only derail her plan to have a quiet New Year’s Eve, but also put her in a situation where she’s now being propositioned for a kiss and god knows what more.

“I just broke up with someone, which your brother totally heard me bitching about. I swear I’m not looking for anything tonight.” Esme easily reads the look on Ali’s face.

“Sorry to hear that.” Ali says sympathetically. “Can’t say I’m in much of a better place myself.” She admits, not nearly convinced this is a good idea.

“Your brother briefly mentioned that too, which is why I came over here.” Esme smiles. “You’re by far the best looking woman in the room and I’d be lucky to start my 2019 with even just your smile. Plus, we have 12 minutes to midnight and it sucks to be in the middle of a bunch of couples making out. Just a kiss…pinkie promise.” She holds her pinkie finger out toward Ali and looks at her hopefully.

_Oh why the hell not_._ You’ve been a sex surrogate for fuck’s sake, not a big deal. _Ali finds herself all too easily hooking her pinkie finger in agreement. “Nice to meet you, Esme. Let me buy you a drink.” She offers and tries again to get the bartender’s attention.

“Is that a yes?” Esme smirks.

“That’s a yes.” Ali clarifies. “But I’m gonna at least need to know your favorite color and what you do for a living. Gotta salvage some of my moral values.” She teases just as the bartender comes over. “I’ll have a glass of chardonnay and she’ll have…” She looks at Esme.

“Heineken.” Esme answers without looking away from Ali. “You are really cute, you know that?” She remarks at the brunette’s sarcastic humor before actually answering the question. “Red. And I’m a mechanic.”

“Really? As in a car mechanic?” Ali asks in slight surprise. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that in a patronizing way.” She quickly adds when she realizing how stereotyping it sounded.

“Yep, car mechanic. And don’t worry, I’m well aware that female mechanics are a rarity.” Esme waves off her apology. “I pretty much sucked at all things school, but I’ve always been good with my hands. Anyway, I joined the National Guard after high school and learned to be a mechanic there. When I got out, I started working for a shop here in Midtown and took over for the owner when he retired last year.”

“That is truly fascinating. I’m sure it was also a total bitch to have worked your into that position as a woman.” Ali says with interest, glancing over to see Syd and Heather giving her a thumbs up from across the room. Kyle is still too busy talking to look over at her, otherwise she would be sending a middle finger in his direction right about now.

“Definitely a total bitch.” Esme confirms with a little laugh. “I really love it though, even if it has been an uphill battle at times. What about you?”

“I feel like my favorite color changes every week, but I’ll go with purple. And I’m a therapist.” Ali reciprocates.

“Very cool. A general therapist or do you have like a specialty?” Esme inquires.

Ali is about to give the basic answer of relationship therapist when the 10 second countdown to midnight starts around them, the crowd in the bar growing notably louder and more boisterous.

10...9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…

“Glad you said yes.” Ali hears whispered in her ear before Esme’s lips are on hers in a slightly heated but still respectful kiss. It’s wet, warm, and tastes like beer...that’s all she can say for it. There’s no uptick in her heartrate, no tingle, no stomach flutter, no feeling like she’s floating. Physically fine, but really there’s…_nothing. A whole lot of nothing, what did you expect? _By the time they break apart all she can feel is a strange mix of disappointment and relief. “Happy New Year!” She does her best to be enthusiastic and clinks their glasses together.

“Happy 2019! Thanks for starting my year off with a bang.” Esme says sweetly.

“Same to you.” Ali smiles at her. “I should get back to my friends since we all said we were leaving after the countdown.” She opts for a truthful excuse, wanting more than anything to get out of here now even though having a harmless conversation and getting kissed at midnight by a good looking woman was far better than being the third wheel in a bar full of couples kissing around her. “Goodnight, Esme.” She pecks the woman’s lips again in appreciation of the distraction.

“Night, Ali.” Esme returns the farewell and watches her walk away.

“I’ll handle my own midnight plans next time thank you very much.” Ali lightly slaps Kyle in the back of the head.

“Well I wouldn’t have to handle anything if you actually made plans, hunny.” Kyle sasses back and earns himself a middle finger. “What?! She was hot!”

“Are we about ready to go now?” Ali ignores him and appeals to her friends.

“Are _you _ready?” Heather eyes her playfully.

“More than ready.” Ali assures her.

“I’ll get us an Uber then.” Heather pulls out her phone.

“We’re just gonna walk the few blocks to the hotel.” Syd replies. “So, I’ll let you know that we got home safely tomorrow and call me like single every day for a update, ok? Great!”

“I’m gonna be fine, drama queen. Happy New Year.” Ali hugs her tight. “Keep me posted on baby watch.” She whispers in her ear.

“Please, I’ll be calling you daily to help track my ovulation. And don’t think we’re not gonna talk about that smooch you just got from the blonde Shane wannabe. That had L-Word scene written all over it.” Sydney laughs. “Happy New Year, Ali-gator!”

Ali groans into Syd shoulder and then gives Dom a hug, watching Heather and Dave say their goodbyes too before the three of them head outside to catch their Uber home.

“Sooo, are you gonna tell me what that was all about?” Heather scoots close to Ali in the backseat of the Uber while Dave sits in the front and directs the driver where to go.

“It was nothing.” Ali shrugs it off.

“That was not nothing!” Heather lightly swats her. “You just kissed a hot chick in a bar! For real, how did it feel?” She asks more seriously.

_Trust me, it was definitely nothing. _“It felt like…” Ali tries to find some way to describe the competing feelings of disappointment and relief. “Like kissing every other person I’ve kissed before _her_.” It’s the best she can do, fully aware that Heather can’t possibly understand because she’s never told anyone except for Ashlyn how much she dislikes kissing people.

“Hmmm, ok. Is that good or bad?” Heather asks.

“I truly have no idea.” Ali answers honestly and feels Heather just squeeze her hand, the rest of the ride quiet.

By 1:30am, she’s in bed wearing Ashlyn’s hoodie with the Carmex she impulsively bought at the drugstore the other day spread on her lips, their song playing on repeat. It’s self-torture in a way, but she finds herself craving the comfort of Ashlyn tonight and this is the best she can do. Unable to sleep, she eventually grabs her phone and pulls up the Lovebug app, opening the crossword game for the first time.

_‘Rubber from the Middle East [7 letters].’ _She sees the first clue and smiles widely, remembering it from the crossword Ashlyn once impressively completed before her eyes in just a few minutes. “Aladdin!” She says out loud, happy to have one answer under her belt. Feeling confident she goes to the clue that builds off the letter ‘i’ in ‘Aladdin’… _‘It’s less rich than the 1% [4 letters].’ _

“Wow, I suck at this.” Ali laughs at herself, still working on the same clue as the 10-minute timer on the game runs out. Rather than think any harder on it, she opts to restart the game again and spend the 10 minutes writing down all the clues in her notebook so she can work on them outside of the app. She figures as long as she doesn’t Google the answers, she’s not cheating.

By the time she’s done she actually feels sleepy and turns the light off, pulling the hood over her head so Ashlyn’s scent really surrounds her as best as possible. She’s just about asleep when the answer hits her out of nowhere. “Skim!” She exclaims with a giggle, reaching for the notebook to scribble the word down as best she can in the dark just in case she forgets by morning. She laughs to herself again at the cleverness of the clue and the simplicity of the answer.

“You are one of a kind, Ashlyn Harris…my kind.” She lets out a satisfied sigh and rolls over for some much needed sleep.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 1, 2019**

“Bonne année! You’re still in bed?! It’s almost noon there!” Crystal exclaims as soon as Ashlyn’s image pops up on her FaceTime, the woman’s hair looking disheveled and her eyes sleepy.

“Very handy dandy with the time zone calculation.” Ashlyn teases her. “Happy New Year, minion!”

“Geez, what did you do last night? Are you hungover?” Crystal probes, knowing that Ashlyn doesn’t usually sleep in so late.

“Nothing exciting actually. Everyone’s families finally left a couple days ago, so Whit and Ryan were doing a quiet New Year’s Eve as were Megan and Sue. They both asked me to hang out, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel and really wanted some quiet time after all the holiday madness.” Ashlyn explains. “So, I was planning to take a long walk, get some Thai food, and watch Netflix for the night. But then I got an idea for the new project while I was walking. So I ended up programming until like 4am and sleeping the morning away.”

“You would start your fucking New Year like that, you psycho.” Crystal shakes her head. “How are you?” She asks more seriously.

“I’m doing ok. I still have my moments, but I think I’m starting to look at things with a better perspective. Starting to feel like I can do this.” Ashlyn replies.

“Mhmm, that’s good. So, what exactly do you mean by ‘this’?” Crystal asks just for the sake of probing a little.

“Ha, I still have no idea. I’m sure the correct answer is moving forward or something like that.” Ashlyn half chuckles.

“Well, that’s better than when I left!” Crystal says cheerily.

“Anyway, how is Paris and the lovely Pierre?” Ashlyn asks.

“Oh my god, being at the Eiffel Tower last night with all the fireworks was amazing! And Pierre is just… everything. Especially being here, everything is so much more romantic.” Crystal gushes. “Can’t believe I have to leave in three days.” Her smile turns into a pout.

“Awww, I bet. I’m glad you’ve had an amazing time and I’m sure it’ll suck to leave.” Ashlyn sympathizes. “But hey, only a few more months until he graduates and comes to NYC.” She adds positively.

“His graduation can’t come fast enough.” Crystal replies.

“Well, I’m picking you up at the airport and I’ll cook you a nice dinner to take your mind off of it.” Ashlyn offers.

“About the picking up at the airport…you know what would make me feel better?” Crystal puts on a big smile.

“I’m driving my Jeep, minion. Deal with it.” Ashlyn shuts her right down.

“Aaasssssh! Please? I never get driven around in the Escalade.” Crystal whines.

“And I never get driven around in my Jeep. I told you when you picked that thing that I was not driving it through the city. It’s like driving a damn limo, no way.” Ashlyn refuses.

“You suck, Boss Lady.” Crystal makes a face at her.

Ashlyn opens her mouth to retort, but her attention is pulled away by the incoming call showing on her screen: _FCI Coleman. _She blinks her eyes a couple times as it registers…today is the first of the month at noon. “Crys, I gotta go.”

“Don’t think you can give me the slip!” Crystal plays back before she notices that Ashlyn’s face has turned serious. “What’s wrong?”

“Getting a call, from my brother I think.” Ashlyn tells her hurriedly.

“Shit, go! Good luck!” Crystal quickly ends the call.

Ashlyn quickly answers the call, hearing the robot voice greet her. “This is a call from Coleman Federal Correctional Institution from inmate…_Chris Harris._” She hears her brother speak his name and feels her heart jump. “This call will last fifteen minutes at a rate of $20. Please press 1 followed by the # key to accept the charges or you may hang up.”

Ashlyn immediately accepts and waits patiently through a set of tiny clicks on the line until her brother’s voice booms through the phone. “Ash? You there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” She answers him. “Is everything ok? Are you hurt?” She asks in concern, heart racing faster as endless possibilities for this call flood her mind.

“I’m good, I’m good. Everything is fine.” Chris assures her.

Ashlyn lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. “So, you’re telling me that you just miraculously found the phone in there again and got so excited about your discovery that you called me?”

“Something like that.” Chris laughs loudly. “I miss you, so much it hurts.” He admits quietly before adding “Hey, Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year. I miss you too.” Ashlyn replies softly. “Wouldn’t have to miss me as much if you kept in touch more.”

“Sorry, I’m working on it. Today is a step, you know?” Chris does his best to apologize.

“I know. What changed for today to happen?” She asks him, trying to figure out what is going on.

“I guess maybe some actual acceptance is setting in. I’ve been fighting it this whole time. Like if I forget the outside exists that this will somehow be better. I dunno.” He tries to describe it. “Kinda realizing that no matter what the fuck I do, I’m not getting outta here until I’m like 60. If I even make it that far.” He pauses for a few seconds, knowing he just caused both of them to think of their father. “What the fuck kind of life is really left at 60, you know? Not like I’m getting out to reinvent myself and live the dream. So, this is what I have...this is my life. I guess I need to be better at making it count even if it’s in here. I have you still. And I don’t want to miss you anymore.”

“Ok, we can work with that.” Ashlyn replies simply, knowing damn well that reassuring him with visions of a grand future isn’t going to help any. “I’m here. I’ll always be. You know that. So, we’ll start slow and make some changes.”

“I’d like that.” Chris says sincerely.

“Good. And when I say I’m here…you know that means when you’re 60, right?” She doesn’t want to push his buttons, but she needs him to know. “Like I’m gonna be right there and you won’t be alone in trying to figure shit out and have a life?”

“Yeah? You gonna take care of my wrinkly old ass?” He teases.

“Dynamic duo as always, even if we’re old farts. Count on it.” Ashlyn affirms with some humor.

“I’ve got your back too, even if I’m in here. I know I haven’t always been good at it, but I’ve got you too.” He tells her seriously.

“Hey, cut the crap. You’ve always had me. Every time. Hear me?” Ashlyn won’t let him get down on himself like he usually does about what happened with their father.

“Yeah, ok.” Chris concedes. “Doesn’t matter. Never again, I’d die first no matter where the fuck I am.” He promises.

“This got really fucking heavy for a ‘Hey Ash, how you been?’ call.” She breaks the tension with a joke.

“Redirect then, how are you? Tell me what’s up, I can hear it in your voice. Something’s off.” Chris finally narrows in on it.

“I’m doing ok. I just got out of something with someone, so just kind of adjusting to that. It sucks, but I’m alright.” Ashlyn just spills it because neither of them has ever stood a chance hiding anything from the other.

“Oh Tag-along, please tell me you didn’t go back to that Sloane bitch.” Chris groans.

“No, no. So totally done with that.” Ashlyn says vehemently, smiling at his use of the childhood nickname he used to call her. “Actually the whole thing with this other woman really got me over stuff related to Sloane finally. It was good for me.”

“Yeah well good or not, whoever she is…the woman is a fucking tool if she walked away from you.” Chris asserts.

“It’s not like that. It’s like I found my person I’m supposed to be with and I’m pretty sure it was the same for her, but we weren’t in like a relationship situation because we couldn’t be. Ah, it’s fucking complicated and I don’t want to spend the little time we have trying to explain.” She gets frustrated at her own vagueness which does neither her nor Ali’s feelings any justice. “Anyway, it was just a wrong time and wrong place kind of thing. I’m trying to learn to live with that, but it’s still fresh.”

“Alright, well just don’t stay put. If you keep moving, you won’t always be in the same time or the same place. If it’s really a time and place thing, then it’s bound to be right at some point. So, don’t stay stuck in the scenario where it doesn’t work. Know what I mean?” Chris offers some advice.

“Look at you with the wisdom, Buster.” Ashlyn goads him with his own childhood nickname, one earned by all the lips and noses he busted on any kid who so much as teased her within his earshot. Something he spend countless hours serving punishments for before he left the house to live with their grandparents. He has always been brawny and rough around the edges, but she couldn’t love his sense of loyalty and protectiveness more.

“Yeah well take it from the guy in jail, don’t build a cage for yourself when you can be free. The only prison you create is your own.” He tells her. “I’m finally realizing that, even if I’m stuck in one.”

“That actually hits deep and means something to me.” Ashlyn muses out loud, her eyes glancing over at the lock Ali gave her that is sitting on the nightstand. A robotic voice on the line interrupts her thoughts warning them that they have two minutes left. “How are you doing for real? Are you safe enough?”

“I’m doing good. Definitely staying safe thanks to you. Having a full account to buy anything they have in the commissary is a fucking life line. You’d be amazed what guys in here will do for some ramen noodles, cigarettes, and cheap radios. Makes me very popular, which also means safe. I can’t even tell you how much it means to me, you’re the best for doing that.” Chris tells her warmly.

“I’m glad to hear it. I’ll make sure it stays that way, but you tell me if there’s anything else, ok?” She impresses upon him.

“Yeah, I will.” Chris acknowledges and stays quiet for a few seconds. “Hey…uh…do you think maybe…uh…” His voice shakes as he tries to spit it out. “Would you visit some time? Like just whenever. No pressure, you know.”

“I’m there.” Ashlyn doesn’t hesitate for a second, worried the invitation will disappear as quickly as it was extended.

“Ok.” Chris lets out a breath. “I already put you on my visitor list, but it’s been way too long. So, you need to redo the background check and it’ll be like a month or two probably.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it and let you know.” Ashlyn says resolutely. “So, you tell me…how does this go from here?”

“I’ll call you again in a couple weeks. I’ll be in touch more. You have my heart on that.” He promises her with a reference to their corresponding tattoos.

“And you have mine. I’ll be there as soon as I can be.” She pledges back.

“I’m excited about that. I love you, Tag-along. Talk soon.” Chris says sweetly, wrapping it up before they get cut-off.

“I love you too, Buster. Take care of yourself.” Ashlyn replies and waits to hear him hang up.

_So much for never going back to Florida. _“That was something.” She whispers to herself and looks over at the lock on the nightstand again. Between it being New Year and all the conversations she has had over the last couple weeks, it strikes her that everything is pointing her in the same direction and it’s time for her to follow it.

Two hours later she finds herself on the usual bench at the northeast corner of Pier 1, looking out at the Brooklyn Bridge as she turns the lock in her hand. “Alright, Alex…I’m leaving everything between us right here in our spot.” She speaks out loud as if Ali is there. “Lock it up right here and go wander around in whatever the fuck awaits me in the hopes that you’re a part of my future. And if not, then it’s here for one hell of a memory when I need it.”

She kisses the lock and walks over to the chain link fence bordering the water, choosing an inconspicuous spot near the bottom and securing it there. “Just keep moving.” She tells herself as she slips the little gold key on her keychain, looking back one more time at the lock before walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on how these two are moving forward?  
Did that kiss make you cringe?


	40. Under the Hood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess it's time for these two to stop spinning their wheels and hit the gas a bit. Buckle in, we're off-roading! And remember that if you pitchfork the author, she can't write the happy ending ;-)
> 
> Can't wait to hear the comments on this one, so hit me your thoughts!

Under the Hood

** _January 24, 2019_ **

“Hello, this is Ali.” Ali answers her phone, putting down the sandwich she was eating.

“Ali, this is Mark Foster. Did I catch you at a bad time?” He asks politely.

“Not at all. I’ve got a couple hours between clients and was just eating lunch in my office. What can I do for you?” Ali is intrigued by the unexpected call.

“I’m actually just calling to check in with you. I didn’t see you at any of the surrogate holiday events and I assumed you were traveling or busy with the holidays. But then Kristin McCarthy mentioned to me yesterday that you weren’t practicing anymore and I got worried given what we talked about last time. Is that true?” Marc gets right to the point of his call.

“It’s true. I’ve decided to just continue with my routine practice and no longer see surrogate clients.” Ali informs him. “I was avoiding making any big announcement about it and just figured I’d phase myself out by not taking on any new clients and not going to the usual events. Maybe that was a bad idea in hindsight.”

“Wow. So, what happened with your client? Did it go really badly or in a direction you didn’t anticipate?” He asks curiously, stunned by Ali’s news.

“No, it went exactly like we talked about it going. I let myself fall in love, got in deep with her…and I know it was the right thing. The therapy aspects couldn’t have gone any better, but it was hell to bring it to a close and I guess I’m still grappling with it.” Ali divulges. “While it definitely sealed the deal on my decision, I was actually already planning to end my surrogacy practice before I took her on as a client.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize that. It didn’t come up when we met for coffee.” Mark tries to work it out.

“I guess I was so focused on what was going on with my client that I didn’t mention it. But I had decided when I first took her on that she was going to be my last client. Turned out to be the right decision, not sure I have anything left to give after going through everything with her.” Ali admits.

“I know that feeling. I took some time off, but then found myself drawn back into it.” He tells her. “So, if it wasn’t the situation with her then, can I ask why?”

“I was just at the point where it was time to figure out if I was going to commit to doing it long-term or appreciate the experience for what it was and leave it there. If you look at our pool of colleagues, you have to admit that long-term surrogates give up a lot of normalcies in life to be able to maintain their practice, particularly when it comes to relationships. I just decided that being a surrogate wasn’t worth those things. I’m happy just keeping my routine practice and using what I learned in my surrogacy work to complement it.” Ali explains matter-of-factly.

“Well, this just sucks!” Mark exclaims.

“What’s wrong?” Ali is taken aback by the reactive response.

“You were supposed to salvage my reputation by being my new bestie at our surrogate events, but now I’m stranded again.” Mark tries to deadpan, but ends up laughing.

“Oh geez, I thought you were serious for a second.” Ali giggles. “I’m sorry! Promise I’ll shoot some referrals your way and put in a good word for you!”

“No, no, I’m just joking. I’m glad to hear that this was all just in the cards for you and a decision you’re happy with.” He assures her. “I’m still a bit stunned, but I get it. You’re right that the effort it takes to maintain a committed relationship even with a person who is open and understanding is one of herculean proportions. I have to very actively work on it in my own marriage every single day.”

“I’m definitely tired of trying to juggle everything and realized that it wasn’t for me in the long run.” Ali concurs.

“So, you said you’re still grappling with the fallout from your client…how are you holding up?” He asks knowingly.

“I knew it would be hard. Guess I didn’t know it would be this hard. I’ve never connected to someone like I did with her, having to let that go is just…” She trails off knowing he totally understands. “Can I ask you something now that I have you on the phone?”

“Sure thing.” Mark replies.

“When you ended sessions with your wife. Did you really fully move on? What I mean is, did you hope at all despite the terrible odds of ever being together…even a small part of you?” Ali goes after what has been nagging her most. “I told myself and I told her that we had to totally let go to move on and that we couldn’t hope for a future together. But I’m finding it near impossible to extinguish that tiny spark of hope and it worries me.” She provides more context.

“Yes, I fully moved on. But I also hoped deep down. You can do both, Ali.” Marc answers earnestly.

“How? Those two things seem to butt heads.” She tries to make sense of it.

“Assuming your overall experience was like mine, I’m sure the connection you made to your client and the love you felt brought out things in you that you didn’t know were there and that you really liked. It’s totally okay to root for yourself to feel those things the same way again. You can hope for that and even hope that she’s the one brings them out in you again. You just can’t let that hope color or inform the decisions you make in your personal life in terms of moving forward.” His explanation is straightforward. “That’s how you can hope, but also move on. Trying to fight either one of those things just gets you frustrated and nowhere.”

“Well that sounds a million times easier than what I’ve been trying to do.” Ali lets out a little sigh of relief that whatever hope she’s still holding onto isn’t creating some kind of mess she won’t be able to escape.

“None of it is easy, as you well know by now. But you also don’t have to make it any harder on yourself. It’s ok to be human, and that’s the best advice.” Mark tells her. “I have no doubt you tell people that all the time, so take your own advice.”

“Thanks Mark, I appreciate it.” Ali says sincerely. “And thanks for calling to check in. Nice to know that I’m missed.”

“Of course. You’re absolutely missed! If anyone asks, do you want me to mention that you’re not practicing anymore?” He checks with her.

“Yeah, go ahead. It’s not a secret at all and probably better that people find out at some point so they don’t think I fell off the face of the Earth. I should send out an email or something.” Ali thinks out loud.

“Good idea. Stay in touch, ok? And call if you need anything.” Mark requests.

“I will. If for some reason our paths don’t cross before then, let’s plan to do coffee after the spring surrogate event in April. You can fill me in on all the hot gossip!” Ali suggests, doing her best to start filling in her social calendar a bit more now that Heather is back in Africa until the fall and Syd will be traveling a lot for work over the next couple of months.

“Deal. Nothing better than surrogate gossip.” Mark laughs. “Take care, Ali.”

“You too, Mark.” Ali hangs up and goes back to her lunch, knowing she still has a full afternoon ahead.

By the time she wraps up client sessions, gets in a yoga class, and heads home to eat dinner and shower it’s almost 9pm. She opts to settle into bed and watch some TV, but finds herself distracted as she thinks over her conversation with Mark. By the time she tunes back into the episode of _Pose_ she was watching, she realizes it’s half over and she hasn’t been paying any attention. With Ashlyn on her mind, she turns off the TV and takes out her notebook with the crossword clues. It has taken her weeks, but she only has one clue left to go: ‘_Saccharine bundle of fibrous tissue [10 letters].’_

She looks over the other clue answers to see which ones this answer will cross with and finds that it has two T’s, one in the middle and one at the end. She thinks about it for a few seconds, working out that saccharine is a synonym for sweet. “Sweet tooth!” She calls out excitedly, until it dawns on her that it ends in a ‘h’ and not a ‘t’ like it needs to. _Sweetbriar, sweetbread, sweetmeat_…she thinks through a list of fibrous things that obviously don’t fit the clue until she can’t come up with any more, finding herself tired and putting the notebook away.

As usual, it’s only a few minutes after she turns out the light and snuggles into bed that it hits her. “Heart! Sweetheart!” She sits up in bed and turns on the light, reaching wildly for her phone and the notebook again. “Should’ve fucking known.” She shakes her head at herself and opens the Lovebug app.

“Alright, here we go. Fuck, calm down.” Her heart pounds in anticipation as she types frantically to get the answers into the right spots while the timer ticks down, her eyes constantly darting between the notebook and the phone.

She looks to make sure it all looks right with only 30 seconds left to go and holds her breath while pressing the submit button. The screen immediately fills with a bunch of digital confetti before a trophy appears with her name on it.

“Really Ash?! That’s the big prize?!” Ali can’t help but belly laugh that she worked so hard to finish the crossword just for some digital confetti and a cartoon trophy. A few more pops of confetti and her screen goes black, her giggles dying on her tongue and her heart leaping into her throat when Ashlyn’s face shows up on the screen, her soft feminine voice filling the air. _Oh my god._

“I knew you’d get it, beautiful. Same way you got my heart…diligent, patient, unwavering, passionate. Part of me is always yours, and that part loves you more than you could ever know. You’re amazing, Alex.” Ashlyn’s face breaks out into a dimpled smile just before she blows a kiss and her face disappears from the screen.

_Jesus Christ. Come back. _Ali’s heart pounds in her chest, everything feeling shaky from the adrenaline rush she just got. She works frantically to re-enter all the crossword clues again, pressing submit and impatiently waiting through the confetti and trophy again. But this time the video of Ashlyn doesn’t pop up again, only a white screen full of 0’s and 1’s that looks like some kind of error.

“What the fuck?” Ali mumbles to herself. She closes the app and tries all over again, but the same screen of numbers appears again. She tries two more times with the same disappointing results, realizing that it has to be purposeful. _Of fucking course. We promised to move on, she wouldn’t leave me a video to re-watch a million times. God I miss those eyes and that dimple. _Ali sighs deeply, both cursing and also grateful for Ashlyn’s foresight.

_Part of me is always yours. _The words still ring in her ears and it hits her hard that she just needs to be content with the part of Ashlyn that is hers. _Hope, but move on. _

She stares at the odd string of numbers for a couple of minutes hoping to see a hidden word in them, only for it to suddenly dawn on her that computer programmers write in number code. It could still be an error screen, but she highly doubts it. Ashlyn is meticulous…if she left this here, then it has to mean something. _Your programmer dork vibes are alive and well, Ash._

01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100011 01100101 01100001 01101110 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01110111 01100001 01111001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100101 01110000 00101110 00100000 01000010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 01110111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100101 01101100 01110011 01100101 00101110

She profusely thanks the Google gods when she searches ‘computer programming code’ and finds a binary code translator that she can just copy and paste into. The decoded message appears before she’s even ready…

_You are like breathing by the ocean. I will think of you and always breathe deep. Better there than anywhere else._

“Me too, angel.” Ali smiles widely, their song still playing on repeat in her room in what now feels almost planned even though it’s purely coincidence. She feels completely drained, but in an oddly peaceful way, using whatever energy she has left to turn off the light and snuggle under the covers before her eyes shut.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _February 20, 2019_ **

“You know what they say, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else!” Megan quips at Ashlyn who just glares at her.

“Wait, what did I miss? Cause I clearly missed something.” Crystal catches the exchange just as she arrives at the pub, taking off her coat and sitting at the table.

“Well, let’s see.” Kameryn taps her chin as if she’s thinking hard. “The hot, obviously dyed red-head at the bar has been making eyes at Ash for the last forty-five minutes and looking like she’s ready to pounce. And we’ve spent the last half hour trying to convince Ash to go say hello.”

“Oh ‘say hello’…really now?” Ashlyn narrows her eyes at Kameryn.

“Eh, say hello…fuck her good against the wall of the bathroom…same thing.” Megan shrugs.

“Jesus Christ, I should just go home before you all embarrass the shit out of me.” Ashlyn grumbles. “And stop looking at her, you’re making it worse.”

“Alright, alright, leave her alone. She’ll do something about it if she wants to.” Whitney intervenes, feeling a little bad now that they’ve all been pressuring her.

“She’s definitely smoking hot.” Crystal adds her two cents after taking a quick glance and then looking back again. “And damn her eyes are on you like fucking laser beams!”

“See! She’s not even trying to be subtle.” Kelley chimes in. “Like she doesn’t even want a piece of you, she’s wants the whole damn thing!”

“She looks like she’s 20, probably some college kid who wandered in here. No thanks.” Ashlyn reasons. They know all the regulars at the whiskey pub, just about anyone else is a tourist, a college student passing through, or flat out lost.

“Oh please, what college student wears a business looking outfit like that? She’s 29 and here for work, an assistant curator for some art museum in Colorado. What can I get for you, Crys?” Sue suddenly pops up near the table.

“My baby getting us all the intel we need.” Megan blows Sue a kiss.

“Geez, not you too.” Ashlyn shakes her head at Sue.

“Well FYI, she asked me what you were drinking.” Sue warns.

“Tell me you didn’t answer her.” Ashlyn gives her a pleading look.

“Would be kind of weird not to answer, Dreamboat. But I gave her the quick bartender once over and got the scoop. She doesn’t seem at all sketchy, so you’re welcome.” Sue smiles slyly at Ashlyn who lets out an impatient huff.

“Think I’m gonna have a vodka soda with lime and just the house salad with grilled shrimp.” Crystal gives Sue her order. “I swear I’ll be working off the French baguettes I ate during the holidays for rest of the year.”

“Speaking of work, pretty sure the point of us all leaving the office for dinner was so we could discuss an advertising platform while having drinks.” Ashlyn takes the opportunity to change the subject.

“Pretty sure the point of this dinner was that I tagged along on this trip and was bored at the hotel, and hungry, and Kam missed me.” Kelley cheeses.

“Correct.” Kameryn kisses Kelley’s cheek. “Besides, can you really work while someone is staring at you like that? Cause I can’t.” She flicks her eyes to the woman at the bar who is still looking over at Ashlyn every other minute.

Ashlyn blatantly ignores the comment and suggests a cross promotion platform that builds primarily from display ads and social media ads. It works well enough to get them all debating the approach for a few minutes until Sue comes back.

“Ok Crys, here’s your vodka soda. Vernie will have your salad out in a few minutes.” Sue hands Crystal her drink before putting a fresh whiskey down in front of Ashlyn.

“Thanks.” Ashlyn says appreciatively, ever amazed by the woman’s uncanny ability to always know when a drink needs to be refilled even from the bar where she can’t see the table that well.

“Oh don’t thank me. The lovely ginger at the bar sends her regards.” Sue smirks.

“Shit.” Ashlyn freezes for a second, not making a move for the drink yet since the woman must be watching.

“Fucking hell, butch…breathe. It’s just a fucking drink.” Megan nudges her. “Look up and give her a little wave, no biggie.”

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn sighs and catches eyes with the woman at the bar, smiling and giving her a little appreciative wave like Megan suggested. The woman plays it cool, just giving her a big smile back.

“Very smooth, Dreamboat.” Sue rolls her eyes. “I gotta get back to the bar. Ladies, talk to your girl and set her right.” She points her thumb towards Ashlyn.

“Come on Ash, you think she’s attractive, right? Go over there, say hi, and just thank her for the drink. It’s not like you have to ask her on a date or anything. Just be polite and have a little conversation. If it goes well, see where it takes you.” Kameryn encourages her.

“Yeah ok, she’s attractive… but the last thing I want right now is a drawn out conversation.” Ashlyn argues.

“Ok fine, then don’t say hi and just ask her if she wants to go to the bathroom.” Kelley smirks. “When I said check the engine, I didn’t say you had to drive cross country. Just go for a spin around the block.”

“My spirit sista!” Megan reaches to high-five Kelley from across the table.

“I really don’t think I’m ready for this.” Ashlyn looks around the table at all of them like they can somehow save her. She knows it’s totally rude not to at least go thank the woman and let her down gently. But she also knows they’re right. She keeps talking about taking steps forward, but it has been two months now and she hasn’t really taken any real steps period. In fact, she’s lucky none of them disowned her last week after all her sarcastic Valentine’s Day grumbling.

Whitney bites her lip for a few seconds, considering the impact of what she knows will lower the boom and prompt Ashlyn to act once she says it. She knows Ashlyn thrives on truth and if there’s ever a moment her best friend needs a hard shove to get going in some kind of direction, it’s now. “Ash, just a few months ago, you didn’t think you were ready for Ali either. But you did it anyway. And this is definitely not that, but maybe don’t base it on not being ready. Just do it anyway.” Her voice is direct but gentle.

Crystal lets out a low whistle as she watches Ashlyn’s eyes drop down to the table.

“Dang, Whit…in for the kill.” Megan sucks air in through her teeth while Kameryn and Kelley look back and forth between Ashlyn and Whitney like it’s a ping pong match.

“No, she’s right.” Ashlyn relents and commits to herself that tonight she’ll take a step. “You’re right.” She looks up at Whitney. “Fuck, can’t believe I’m gonna do this. I feel like I’m in fucking college.” She takes a long sip of her drink.

“Wooo, go get her Stanford style!” Kelley does a little dance in her seat.

“I second that plan.” Whitney laughs. “Go already!”

“Butchie on the prowl! Meeow!” Megan paws at Ashlyn’s arm.

“Alright ease up, pep squad.” Ashlyn shakes her head at them. “Fuck, here we go.” She grabs her drink.

“Take your coat.” Kameryn says quickly and gives her a knowing look.

“Thought you guys said I was just going over to say hello.” Ashlyn says in a sardonic tone.

“That woman wants to rip your clothes off. So if hello turns into take me home, you’re not gonna be walking back to this table to say goodnight to us because we are so totally not mature enough to handle it without making a scene of hoots and hollers. Take your coat.” Kameryn advises.

“You all are fucking useless and I’m even worse.” Ashlyn playfully scoffs, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach as she takes a quick glance towards the bar. _At least she doesn’t look anything like Ali, or Sloane for that matter._ “Enjoy your front row seats to the shit show.”

“Already got my popcorn.” Crystal jokes. “Good luck, Boss Lady. Knock her socks off.” She gives her an encouraging smile.

“Wait, Ash!” Kelley reaches to grab her hand. “If you end up checking your engine, it means you’re gonna peak at hers too. Just don’t expect Ali’s car when you look under the hood, ok? It’s not gonna be Ali’s car, so take that right off the table and don’t compare. Just focus on your engine and enjoy the drive.”

“Ok, thanks.” Ashlyn nods, squeezing Kelley’s hand firmly before letting go in an attempt to convey just how crucial that reminder was right now.

_Fuck, fuck. Be cool. _Ashlyn starts walking towards bar, looking back one more time to see that her friends have purposely busied themselves with eating so that they don’t stare. _Here goes nothing_. “Thanks for the drink.” Ashlyn says sweetly as she sits down next to the red-headed woman.

“You’re very welcome.” The woman smiles at Ashlyn and turns her body towards her. “I’m glad you came over. I was starting to think I was fishing with the wrong bait.” She laughs softly at her own joke.

_She’s really cute at least. _Ashlyn smiles back at her and wills herself to be both blunt and fearless. If this stands any chance of being a step forward, they have to be on the same page and she doesn’t have the energy to play mind games. “Well I don’t want to come over here on any false pretenses… so, I’m just going to tell you right now that the bait I’m biting on is the kind where I sleep in my own bed at the end of the night and don’t call you in the morning because I didn’t ask for your number. So, if I’m not the right catch of the day, might wanna toss me back now.” It sounds callous even to her, but it’s the truth. She can’t offer even the smallest part of her heart right now. She expects a stunned look and a quick dismissal, but the woman is still smiling at her.

“Well seeing as how I was supposed to be engaged to the cheating wench I was with for four years and not sitting here fishing at all, I definitely used the right bait. Not only do I dig your style, but you’re officially my catch of the day and don’t count on me tossing you back.” The woman replies coolly and holds her drink up in a mock cheers before downing the rest of it. “Surprised I even know how to fish anymore, but here I am.”

“Ouch, I’m sorry. Been there and feel you completely on that.” Ashlyn empathizes with the woman, the new knowledge admittedly making her feel less edgy.

“Really?!” The woman looks at Ashlyn incredulously. “What are the damn odds that we’d be in the same boat? And I swear I’ll stop with the stupid fishing metaphors now.” She shakes her head at herself.

“Oh no, no. I just got out of something complicated with someone, but it wasn’t the engagement thing.” Ashlyn corrects when she realizes the woman has jumped to the wrong conclusion. “That was like five years ago. Proposed to this woman I had been love with since like high school and she told me she was married to a guy.”

“Same! Only mine is married to a woman and I was apparently the fucking side chick who had no clue. She actually tried to convince me to be her mistress, cause her wife was open to the idea. I kid you not. Anyway, nice to see I can survive to make it to five years from now and still look hot.” She motions to Ashlyn with a flirty smile.

“Glad to be of service.” Ashlyn chuckles. “I certainly hope for your sake that you’re in a better place than I am in five years.” She downs the rest of her own drink and gets Sue’s attention for another round.

“Me too. No offense.” The woman playfully grimaces. “I’m just not a date around kind of person and if I’m still doing this in five years, I give up.”

“None taken. I tried to give up and got pulled right back in.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Thanks, Sue.” She says as the bartender brings their drinks, ignoring Sue’s amused smile. “On me.” Ashlyn tells the red-headed woman next to her and puts enough cash on the bar to cover it along with a hefty tip.

“Thank you. I’m Ashley by the way.” The woman introduces herself.

“I’m Ashlyn.” She can’t help but laugh.

“Seriously?” Ashley asks in disbelief.

“Can’t make this shit up.” Ashlyn throws her hands up.

“Well, add it to list of reasons we’re not calling each other in the morning.” Ashley jokes.

“I’ll drink to that.” Ashlyn takes a couple long sips, half the drink gone already. “Do you live here in the city?” She asks in an effort to avoid any awkward silence even though she already knows answer.

“No, only here through tomorrow. I curate art exhibits at the Denver Art Museum. I’m here trying to secure an exhibit for one of our galleries in the spring.” Ashley replies. “What about you?”

“I’ve lived here for a few years now. I’m a computer programmer.” Ashlyn leaves it at that.

“You sure don’t look like a computer programmer.” Ashley looks her over.

“I get that a lot.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Well gotta say that I love the tattoos and I’m kinda hoping there’s more.” Ashley smirks.

“Thanks, and there are.” Ashlyn says simply, just now remembering that Ali once dated a museum curator and realizing that can't she hear much more about this woman if something is going to happen. She can already feel herself getting hesitant again because it’s getting to the point where it’s now or never. They’re both making small talk to avoid a big move and it seems like one of them is going to chicken out any minute. _Come on Ash, just get it over with and at least you’ll know. _“You wanna get out of here and go for a walk?” She bites the bullet before she can convince herself not to.

“Nope.” Ashley says evenly and finishes her drink in a couple big gulps.

“Oh uh, no problem. I didn’t mean to assume…” Ashlyn stumbles in reply, not having expected that response.

“Hold up…what I’m saying is that I suck at fishing and if we take a walk, I’m bound to let you slip off the hook somewhere along the way because I haven’t really done this whole thing much.” Ashley says bluntly. “I’m staying at the Hilton pretty much right across the street. Come back to my room with me?”

_Well fuck. _Ashlyn is taken by surprise at the forwardness even if she shouldn’t be given this woman’s fairly aggressive approach thus far. Still, she can easily connect with the feeling of pushing yourself out of the comfort zone without giving yourself the option to back out. Might as well do this with someone who’s doing the same thing she is. “Ok, let’s go.” She agrees and quickly finishes her drink, glad she’s had just enough alcohol to feel brave but not fuzzy.

“You want to say bye to them?” Ashley motions to the table of women Ashlyn was sitting with before.

“Nah. If I do that, I’ll be slipping right off your hook.” She shoots Ashley a meaningful look.

“Say no more.” Ashley smiles and puts her coat on before grabbing Ashlyn’s hand and leading them out.

It’s a short walk before they’re in the hotel room, sitting pretty close to each other on the small couch but neither appearing close to making any kind of move.

“I swear I really want to…with you…god, why am I even nervous?” Ashley breaks the awkward silence in a stutter.

“It’s ok. I am too.” Ashlyn freely admits, frustrated now by the way she’s going about this. _You just went through this and you know what to do now, lead for yourself. _“Fuck it.” She mutters and closes the distance, kissing the woman hard and leaving no room for anything but full speed ahead.

Ashlyn welcomes the red-head’s tongue into her mouth along with the little moan that follows behind it. The kiss is hot and heated, good but without any substance behind it. There’s no surging energy that makes her feel like she’s invincible, no amazing ache in her chest, absolutely nothing like kissing Ali. _Don’t. You’re not doing that. _She pushes Ali out of her mind successfully until a few minutes later when her shirt starts to drop off her shoulders and the brunette’s voice practically sounds in her ears. _Be vocal, be open, don’t defeat yourself._

“Hold on.” Ashlyn pulls back from the kiss to find lustful blue eyes looking at her expectantly. “Just a heads up that my back is really scarred from an abuse thing when I was a kid. I don’t like people behind me and I don’t do any of the hitting or slapping stuff, but it’s not an issue outside of that. I actually really like my back touched, so whatever you’re comfortable with is fine.” She actually feels proud of how calm and assertive it comes out, nothing about it sounding remotely hesitant or like it’s anything but normal.

“Good, cause I can’t get enough of these shoulders.” Ashley is unfazed, getting the rest of Ashlyn’s shirt off along with her bra and sliding her hands up her back. She squeezes more firmly when she gets to the back of Ashlyn’s shoulders and then pulls her own top over her head. “You are sexy as hell.” She runs a hand up Ashlyn’s abs and lays her back on the couch.

Instead of moving to flip their position like usual, Ashlyn finds herself feeling oddly relaxed with this woman hovering over her. It gives her a boost of confidence, her mind back on Ali_. Direct things, don’t control them. There’s nothing wrong with you, just be clear about what you want. _She pulls Ashley down into a bruising kiss and puts the woman’s hand on her belt buckle, pushing everything out of her brain so she doesn’t think of Ali again. She trains her focus on her own body, zoning in on what feels good in the moment and not thinking about anything beyond that. And when two fingers eventually slip inside her with ease, she stops thinking at all.

Ashley barely stirs as Ashlyn untangles herself and gets up from the couch, the red-head having fallen asleep right after she orgasmed for a second time. She gathers her clothes and puts them back on as best as she can in the very dimly lit hotel room, more than ready to get out of there. As much as she wants to slip out quickly, she can’t ignore the way Ashley’s neck is oddly angled against the couch.

“Hey, you should move to the bed.” Ashlyn whispers softly near the woman’s ear, but Ashley just lets out a little hum and doesn’t move. She debates carrying her the short distance to the bed, but something about that feels way too intimate. Plus, she doesn’t want her to wake up and be weirded out to find herself in bed when she fell asleep on the couch. She opts to adjust her a bit so she’s laying comfortably, grabbing the extra blanket from the closet in the room and covering her with it. It’s enough to finally make her feel like she can leave without feeling guilty about it.

Ashlyn takes a deep breath as soon as she gets outside and takes stock of herself. She feels an enormous sense of relief and a weird kind of excitement, but also massively empty and unsatisfied. The combination leaves her somewhat agitated. _Can’t believe that just happened. It actually fucking worked. You were right, Alex…I’m really not broken. _She smiles at the thought of Ali, but it quickly fades when she realizes that the timespan when she was actively having sex was the longest she has gone without the brunette creeping into her thoughts. And now she’s unable to deny the fact that the absence of Ali on her mind felt relieving in its own way. 

She takes out her phone as she starts the short walk home, seeing that it’s only 10pm even though it feels later. She’s shocked to see that there is only one text message until she realizes that Kameryn started a group text.

_Kameryn: Did you check the engine?_

It’s not that late and she knows they probably won’t be nagging her for a reply just yet, but she types one anyway just to get it over with.

_Ashlyn: Yep._

She knows that answer isn’t near adequate, but she can’t immediately think of how to describe this whole thing. Her phone buzzes several times almost instantly.

_Kameryn: And?????_

_Pinoe: Yaaaas butch! Give us the deets!_

_Watson: Are you ok?_

_Minion: Boss Lady gone and got it! Was it good?_

_Kelley: Seriously right now?! Fuckin killing me, Harris! Did everything run smoothly? Do you need a mechanic over there?_

It’s Kelley’s message that gives her a better idea of how she can respond without getting too deep into it, something she doesn’t have the energy for right this minute.

_Ashlyn: The engine purred like a kitten and I got distracted on a nice smooth drive. Now I’m lost in a sketchy neighborhood with a tank nearly on empty. Definitely don’t need a mechanic, but a map to find my way might be in order._

_Kameryn: Sit tight, we’re bringing some gas and a GPS._

_Watson: We’re all still at the bar, but heading out to meet you at your place._

She immediately wants to send a message in protest, feeling drained and just wanting some time alone to process, but she knows she won’t win the battle. Instead she doesn’t reply and picks up her pace to stay ahead of them, hoping to get a little time at home in peace before they arrive.

The elevator buzzer goes off just ten minutes after she has been sitting on the couch. The empty feeling inside was about to push her to the brink of crying and she couldn’t be happier to see the whole crew walking into her penthouse led by Kelley who is clutching two six-packs of Bud Light. The spunky freckle-faced woman is the first to get to her, not even bothering to put the beer down before hugging her tight.

“It’s ok. You’re ok.” Kelley tells her softly. “The engine works and you’re driving again. It’s something to celebrate. You’ve got plenty of time to figure out directions. But right now we’re here to chug these Buds and put you to bed.” She gives her another squeeze before teasingly adding “might even kiss you goodnight if you keep that suit jacket on.”

“Easy there, Ms. Scarlett.” Ashlyn plays back with an O’Hara reference that she knows annoys the woman. “This engine is out of gas for the night.”

“Well we brought enough gas for at least a threesome.” Kameryn points to the beer and nudges Kelley. “It _would_ be a threesome, _right _babe?” She gives her a pointed look.

“Duh, sexy.” Kelley waggles her eyebrows.

“I’ll watch!” Megan raises her hand.

“Shit, me too.” Crystal deadpans.

“Dear god, why do I feel like we just crossed into a highly unprofessional and inappropriate twilight zone that we can never come back from?” Whitney grimaces.

“There she goes again.” Megan rolls her eyes. “Relax, uptight CTO. We’re kidding!” She pauses and looks at Kameryn and Kelley. “We _are _kidding, right?”

“Obviously.” Kameryn laughs.

“Nope.” Kelley says simultaneously and waggles her eyebrows again, this time earning herself a little swat from her wife. “Ok, fiiiine. We’re kidding.” She rolls her eyes.

“Very comforting.” Whitney sighs before throwing in her own zinger. “Back off lady lovers, the prize fish has already been eaten tonight!”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Whit! How much did you drink tonight?!” Ashlyn’s jaw drops open at the rare vulgarity before she buries her face in her hands at the realization of what Whitney is alluding to. “Can’t believe you guys heard the whole fishing bullshit.” She groans in slight embarrassment.

“We didn’t. Hayseed came up huge.” Megan smirks.

“What a fucking traitor!” Ashlyn exclaims with a little laugh. “You tell Sue that I want my damn tip back.”

“Yeah sure, that’ll definitely be my first priority when she gets into bed tonight.” Megan’s voice drips with sarcasm as she plops onto the couch, the rest of them following suit and finding a space in the living room.

“You looked wiped.” Whit comments as she settles next to Ashlyn. It couldn’t be more apparent tonight how different this is, the glow she got accustomed to seeing on her best friend when she was with Ali is completely absent.

“Or dehydrated.” Crystal insinuates teasingly.

“Both.” Ashlyn admits with a shrug.

“Well, let’s get this show on the road then. Want to tell us a little about tonight before we down some beers and get you to bed?” Kameryn jumps in. “I mean, at least tell us if she was good or not.”

“Yeah she was good. Wasn’t spectacular or newsworthy, but it was good.” Ashlyn divulges, knowing deep down that the bar for spectacular is set incredibly high now. “Good enough that I didn’t think about Ali while it was happening. And after the fact, I realized that not having her on my mind for a while felt good too…better than the sex if I’m being honest. That alone makes me feel kind of hollow in a way, like empty I guess.” She pauses for a few seconds before finally speaking the feeling she’s been avoiding since the minute she left that hotel room tonight. “What’s really fucking me up is that I kind of want to do it again.”

“Well, that’s the thing about taking steps towards something you’re afraid of…it stops feeling so scary and starts to feel more like a surprise.” Kelley says thoughtfully while everyone else sits there a bit surprised at Ashlyn’s admission.

“You are a whole lotta life coach, girl. That kinda gave me chills.” Crystal comments.

“It’s even better when you photoshop her quotes over a picture of her face. I’ll send you a wallpaper of that one for your phone.” Kameryn jokes and feels Kelley elbow her.

“Well, I do like surprises.” Ashlyn finally responds after considering what Kelley said.

“That’s the butchie spirit! We go again!” Megan gets up just to fist pump her.

“Road trip, here we come.” Whitney adds a bit more subdued. She’s not sure how to reconcile that Ashlyn took a really positive step and it turned out great in a way, but there’s still a sadness to her best friend that seems so pervasive.

“Alright come here, Princess…Daddy is gonna show you how to chug a beer.” Kelley beckons to Ashlyn and pats her lap.

“Oh god, I can already hear Human Resources calling me in the morning to talk about this incident.” Whitney pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Well damn. You are so totally the bottom, aren’t you?” Megan looks at Kameryn with a raised eyebrow.

“Power bottom. Get it right, twerp. Also, it takes one to know one.” Kameryn winks and watches Megan’s mouth drop open.

“Clearly confirmed. Did not see that coming.” Crystal sizes up both Megan and Kameryn with her eyes. “Then again…”

Ashlyn just walks right over to Kelley and sits on her lap in an effort to call out her bravado. “Ok Ms. Scarlett, teach me these wasted white girl skills of yours.”

“It’s not so hard. Tilt your head back and forget you’re a lesbian.” Kelley instructs simply.

“Huh?” Ashlyn looks at her quizzically.

“No tasting or savoring. Get your tongue and teeth the fuck outta the way, open your throat and swallow.” Kameryn fills in. “Basically, be a straight girl.”

“Hmph, no wonder I could never do it.” Megan shrugs.

“I taught you so well, grasshopper.” Kelley leans over to peck Kameryn’s lips before looking at Whitney with an insinuating smirk. “I’m betting Whit is a pro.”

“Welcome back to the unprofessional twilight zone, please sign the Human Resources sexual harassment policy on the way in, and don’t forget to tip your employee rights attorney on the way out.” Whitney says a robotic voice.

“She’s not wrong though, we do have an edge.” Crystal laughs and leans her head on Whitney’s shoulder.

“You can’t be serious.” Ashlyn says skeptically.

“No going back now.” Whitney pops open a can of Bud Light. “Watch and learn, Sherlock.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _March 1, 2019_ **

“Well, how did it go?” Kyle is waiting for Ali on her couch when she walks in, eagerly rubbing his hands together.

“You majorly struck out and you get absolutely no more at bats.” Ali tells him frankly and drops next to him on the couch. “The next time you set me up with one of your clients, be prepared to lose the client because I’m not going.”

“Oh come on, Dani is so good looking and totally that butch-walking-the-femme-line that you love! How was this not a homerun?!” He asks incredulously.

“When are you going to realize that someone being hot doesn’t automatically make them my type?” Ali leans her head back against the couch.

“Excuse me for being a shallow gay that doesn’t set you up with trolls.” Kyle sasses back. “It was just a coffee date, how bad could it have been?”

“Well let’s see, I now know more about Japanese anime than I ever wanted to know. Like she droned on and on even though I had no clue what she was talking about. I’m also 99% sure she admitted to watching anime porn, which is just…yeeeeah.” Ali scrunches up her nose.

“Okeee, did not need to know that.” Kyle cringes. “That’s still not the worst date ever though.”

“No, but it was far from good. Also, when I told her I had been a sex surrogate, she was like full on turned on by it in like a creepy way. Like there was actual disappointment that I wasn’t doing it anymore. I suppose that’s a step up from the girl you set me up with last summer who practically ran for the fucking hills when I told her, but it’s not much better.” Ali says evenly.

“Anime porn and possibly polyamorous, who knew she was so kinky?” Kyle feels slightly bad he didn’t investigate better before setting up the date.

“OH! Speaking of which, she totally had a lingerie kink. You know that’s not my thing.” Ali shoots him a look.

“How the hell does that come up in conversation?” Kyle asks curiously. “Then again, she admitted to anime porn, so.”

“It didn’t come up in conversation. She was wearing a whole corset set with fishnet stockings and everything.” Ali explains.

“Holy shit! Who wears that to a coffee date?! In the winter!” Kyle’s eyes go wide. “I’m so sorry, Als.”

“No, she didn’t wear that as her outfit. It was um…under her clothes.” Ali mumbles.

“But how did you…” He starts before it hits him. “Oh my fucking god, did you sleep with her?!?!” He nearly jumps of the couch.

“Yep.” Ali confesses and puts her hand over her eyes.

“The fuck?! You just said you didn’t even vibe with her! What? How? WHY?” Kyle is baffled.

“I don’t knoooow.” Ali whines. “I was just so fucking frustrated.”

“Clearly, you little harlot! Like I don’t even know what to say.” Kyle just looks at her and waits.

“There’s a fucking first.” Ali sasses back at him. “It wasn’t even good and the whole lingerie thing was just bleh.” She sticks her tongue out in displeasure. “Ugh god, this whole thing was… bad, so fucking bad. And gross. I blame you.”

“Me?! I told you to go out for coffee, not lick her creamer!” Kyle ducks just in time to avoid a slap to the back of the head. “Did you at least relieve the itch?”

“Despite the scratchy fucking lace chafing my nipples, barely.” Ali groans. “I just don’t want to stay static in a place that gets me nowhere, but I also don’t want to do this shit.”

“Do what, Al?” Kyle pulls her into his side when he sees the anguish on her face.

“I don’t want to date around and spend countless hours in stupid cafes making pointless small talk with strangers in the trifling hope that I make some tiny connection that actually means something.” She complains into his shoulder. “I don’t want to swipe on Tinder, or go on blind dates, or hang out in bars and dance clubs. I hate it.”

“Well yeah, it sucks. But didn’t you just drop the whole surrogate thing so you could date more though?” Kyle questions in confusion.

“I know, I know. I just…why can’t I just meet someone that I can invest in, who I can talk to because they invest in me too. I’m so tired of swimming around on the surface and I want to see everything at the bottom, but it also takes so much for me to deep dive. And I’m over here wasting energy by treading water like an idiot and hoping that I’ll magically turn into a mermaid when really I just need to chill out and float long enough to find someone who will scuba dive with me.” Ali unloads in a wild tirade.

“Woah. Cut yourself some slack, beebee. You pretty much just got back from this amazing journey to the bottom of the ocean with a world class diver and of course it’s gonna feel maddening to be back at the surface again. And I love you to death, and I promise things will be okay…but I have no idea what else to tell you because I didn’t understand half of what you just blubbered on about. The magical mermaid business went right over my head, hunny.” Kyle confesses as lightly as he can.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m rambling like a lunatic and I just had crappy sex with a lace doily who watches anime porn. And I hate whining and I’m whining! I’m sorry.” Ali starts sobbing freely into Kyle’s chest. “I’m just so tired.” Her voice is so tiny that it makes him want to cry with her.

“Shhh, Alex. It’s ok…it’s ok.” He holds her tight and rubs her back lightly, letting her just cry it out for a while. When the sobs die down and her breathing evens out, he pulls back presses his forehead to hers. “Listen to me. One morning you’ll wake up gloriously sore after the best sex of your life…you’re gonna walk into the kitchen to find the person you love more than anything in the world obliviously flipping pancakes in her underwear…and you’ll suddenly know that this is exactly how you want to spend the rest of your life, and absolutely nothing that happened before that moment will matter at all anymore.”

“How can you sound so sure about that?” Ali asks softly, wanting desperately to believe every single word.

“Because I have to be.” Kyle replies matter-of-factly. “If I didn’t truly believe in that, then I’d never go on the next date, and the one after that, and the one after that. And sure it’s not easy, but I’d be a fucking idiot to not to give myself every possible chance for that moment with that person.”

“Well maybe I can at least mooch off of your confidence until I can believe it myself.” Ali wipes at her eyes. “Love you.”

“I love you too, babes.” Kyle squeezes her tight again. “Come on, let’s get you into the shower so you can wash off all the slimy algae from gnarly tide pool you were just playing in. Hopefully you don’t find any barnacles growing where the sun don’t shine next week.” He scrunches up his nose and laughs.

“Please don’t make it any worse tonight.” Ali begs, but cracks a smile at his teasing.

“At least you get to walk away. I’m the one who has to cut her hair again while trying to forget the fact that she gets off on cartoons bumping uglies!” Kyle makes a face.

“Good luck with that.” Ali replies as she walks into the bathroom and gets into the shower before poking her head back out. “This probably goes without saying, but just in case. I’ll eventually tell HAO and Syd when I’m up for it, but if you ever speak a word about this to anyone else, I swear you won’t live to see the next sunrise.” She calls out to him.

“Loud and clear.” Kyle calls back and goes to stand by the bathroom door. “Now I feel like we need a code name for her.”

“Code name?” Ali asks as she starts washing her hair.

“Yeah, like Ace of Lace…or Looney Toons…oh, Annie May!” Kyle announces proudly.

“Clever, but I have the perfect one already.” Ali tells him.

“Well don’t hold out on me. Let’s hear it.” He steps a bit further into the bathroom to hear her better.

“Rock Bottom.” Ali yells out with a giggle. _Can only go up from here._

“Ooop!” Kyle sticks his hand inside the shower curtain for a high-five. “Winner!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on how that went?  
Whose experience did you dislike the most (cause I'm guessing you didn't like either one lol)?


	41. Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay with chapter updates! My job has kept me incredibly busy related to this virus pandemic, and like every other parent out there, I'm also juggling having a kid at home to keep busy/entertained all day. Not to mention that I'm rehabbing my arm on my own now with all my appointments getting cancelled! So updates may be slow for a bit, but I'll always be writing when I can.  
I really hope all of you are taking care and staying well. Even with me being busy, you can always reach out to me on Twitter (@inkedwrite11) or Email inkedwrite@yahoo.com to say hello and pass some time!
> 
> That being said, a new chapter finally! Not sure how you're gonna feel about this one, so remember that it's all part of the process. Hopefully it at least provides some distraction :-) As always, hit me with those comments!
> 
> ***Special thanks to reader ashlnhrrs for help with all the Brazilian Portuguese slang in this chapter! You're the real MVP!***

Happy

** _April 4, 2019_ **

“Fucking Christ, not again.” Whitney mutters to herself as she walks by Ashlyn’s office and hears _Iris_ by the Goo Goo Dolls playing. She tells herself to just leave it alone and go grab coffee like she was planning to, but she finds herself heading into Ashlyn’s office instead. “Have a good night?” She crosses her arms and leans on the doorframe.

“Was fine. Why?” Ashlyn looks up from her computer to find Whitney giving her discerning look.

“_Iris_, yet again.” Whitney levels with her.

“It happens to be a good song.” Ashlyn replies a bit defensively.

“Yeah, a good song that you happen to play every time you have a so-so night with a new conquest that does nothing to resolve your feelings for Ali.” Whitney counters. “So, guessing it wasn’t exactly a ‘fine’ night after all.”

“What do you want me to say, Whit?” Ashlyn leans back in her chair.

“Nothing.” Whitney goes to sit in one of the chairs in front of Ashlyn’s desk. “Look, I think the whole thing with Ali was great for you. But I guess…well, I didn’t think it would bring back college Ashlyn who wouldn’t get deeper than under the covers with people. Kinda thought I wouldn’t be seeing her ever again. You seemed so far beyond that even after Sloane, and now…” Whitney throws her hands up. “I’m not judging, I’m really not. I’m just worried that this is becoming like another thing.”

“I’d hardly call six women in like two months a thing.” Ashlyn challenges back with some bite.

“What’s a thing?” Megan walks in unceremoniously and sits down in the chair next to Whitney. “Oh great_, Iris._ Ignore my question on what the ‘thing’ is.” She adds when she notices the song playing and realizes both women look tense.

“Fucking Christ, relax! Just because I’m not ready to get involved with someone right now and looking for some casual company every once in a while doesn’t mean it’s turning into a thing!” Ashlyn huffs impatiently.

“Alright, three tiny questions then.” Megan cocks her head to the side. “Did you bring her back to your place? Did you get her number? Did you go home right after and diddle your skittle to the thought of Ali?”

“No, no, and yes.” Ashlyn groans and tilts her head back, pressing her palms over her eyes. “Ok fine, it’s a becoming a thing.” She relents, already having realized it after her third one-night stand but not wanting to think about it. Every encounter is like a temporary patch, leaving her feeling no better when it’s over. Admittedly the best part is not feeling fully satisfied by these women, but still revved up enough afterwards to get herself off thinking of Ali.

“Exactly.” Whitney says softly. “We just don’t want you to get yourself stuck again.”

“Or get the fucking herp or some shit.” Megan can’t help herself.

“Yeah ok, alright. I hear you.” Ashlyn grumbles. “I just…I think I need like a clean slate or something.”

“What are you thinking?” Whitney asks, glad to hear that Ashlyn has been at least mulling things over to some extent before it was brought up today.

“Maybe I need to just take a trip, get away from here a for just a little bit.” Ashlyn tells them, the feeling of wanting to run away and find some peace on her own becoming almost overwhelming lately.

“Daaaamn butch, did you run out of women in NYC already?!” Megan teases her. “Kidding, geez!” She rolls her when she gets annoyed looks from both of them. “Ok, so where to?”

“I dunno. Somewhere hot with a lot of beach, that’s for sure.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I guess I’ll look tonight and book something where I can leave by the end of the weekend. I’ll let you know.”

“Great, and we can handle everything here in the meantime.” Whitney does everything to encourage her.

“No need, I’ll work from wherever. That way I can stay focused on something productive even while I unwind a bit. I want to be back for the tech gala in a couple weeks, so I won’t be gone all that long. Just a little time to breathe, you know?” Ashlyn lays it out.

“Let us know once you book it. We can help you pack if you want.” Whitney replies and gets a nod from Ashlyn, feeling a bit more relieved now.

“Great, now that we’ve resolved The Great Butch Sex Crisis, I need you two to sign off on the finance budget for next quarter.” Megan holds up the paperwork she came with, watching both women quickly sign it without even looking at it. “You do realize that I could’ve just made you two sign over all of your assets to me, right?”

“I could kick your ass, so you wouldn’t.” Whitney shrugs.

“Oh please, you wish!” Megan quips back.

“I’d just tell Sue and let her kick your ass.” Ashlyn says casually.

“Bitch!” Megan puts her hand on her hip. “I liked it better when I didn’t have a weakness.”

“No you didn’t.” Ashlyn and Whitney say simultaneously.

“Whatever. I’m going to go file this budget and then sext Sue in my office while you two listen to this depressing ass song.” Megan makes a face at them before walking out.

“How much you wanna bet she actually texts Sue all this sappy romantic shit and probably blushes when Sue texts back anything sexual?” Ashlyn looks at Whitney.

“No bet, we both know that’s accurate. Such a big talker for such a little twerp.” Whitney replies in amusement. “I was headed to grab a coffee. You want one?”

“Oh god yes.” Ashlyn replies eagerly. “I loooove you, Watson.”

“Well, look at you getting emotionally invested in someone. Keep up the good work, Sherlock.” Whitney teases.

“I take it back.” Ashlyn mock glares at her.

“Cool, I’ll take back my coffee offer.” Whitney plays back.

“Nevermind, I still love you.” Ashlyn recants again.

“Exactly.” Whitney shoots her a cocky smile on her way out.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _April 7, 2019_ **

“I can’t believe it took us this long to actually sit down with each other. I don’t know what is going on in this city, but I have seen such an uptick in new clients over the last couple months. I think I told you that my receptionist got hit hard with the flu which lasted like a month, just so much frenzy.” Nancy says after settling into the seat across from Ali with her coffee and muffin.

“I know, right?! I’ve had the same strange increase in new client requests. And of course being more freed up, I’ve taken on quite a few new people.” Ali replies. “I’m not complaining though. Much easier to adjust after giving up surrogacy clients.”

“You said on that quick call a few weeks ago that you were doing fine with it. Still the same? Or are you missing it at all?” Nancy asks.

“I thought I would miss it more, but I guess with being busy with the new clients, I really haven’t as much as I expected to.” Ali admits.

“Well that’s good. And everything else is going ok?” Nancy eyes her knowingly.

“For the most part. I definitely hit rock bottom trying to force myself to date last month, but then got some new perspective on that and feeling better about it now.” Ali tells her candidly.

“You forced yourself to date?” Nancy asks a bit surprised given Ali’s usual practicality.

“Yeah, I guess I always told myself that part of why I didn’t date properly before was because of the whole surrogate thing. And then with no longer doing it, I was putting pressure on myself to be more invested in dating. Part of the pressure has also been feeling like I need to be actively working to move on from…” Ali trails off. “Anyway, after a night of god awful sex with this strange woman who I had zero interest in, I realized I was forcing something I didn’t even want.”

“And what do you want?” Nancy inquires curiously.

“Well I don’t want to purposely date around like I’m hunting for something. I want pretty much what I had with…” Ali trails off again. “To just get to know someone without it being on some dating agenda. And if I happen to connect with them and feel like I want something further, then I’ll pursue it. So, I very recently joined a book club and a new yoga class. You know, just trying to meet people more organically in everyday life.”

“Sure sounds a lot better than god awful sex with a strange woman.” Nancy replies lightly and sips her coffee before slowly chewing a bite of muffin. “You can say her name you know. And she was your client, so you’re allowed to ask about her.” She keeps her tone calm and nonchalant.

“I know.” Ali sighs and sips her coffee. “I’ve been debating since the moment we sat down.”

“Since we sat down? Please. Do I really need to tell you how well aware I am of your avoiding calling me and not making much of an effort to make this coffee date happen?” Nancy levels with her. “Nancy Fancy Pants wasn’t born yesterday.”

“God Nance, I’m really sorry. I haven’t really been seeking you out, but I swear I’m not avoiding you.” Ali confesses apologetically. “It’s not you. It’s that spending time together like this would be an opportunity for Ashlyn to come up and I haven’t been sure whether that’s a good thing or not.”

“Oh, so you do still know her name.” Nancy smiles when Ali shoots her a playful glare. “And it’s ok, I understand and I’m not offended. As for that debate of yours, let’s take the advice we give people every damn day. What does your instinct tell you?”

“That I miss her and I really want to know how she is.” Ali answers truthfully, taking a sip of her coffee to settle herself before finding Nancy’s eyes. “How is she?” Her voice comes out in an almost whisper.

“She’s doing well.” Nancy starts simply, watching Ali’s lips curl into a smile before continuing. “Your therapy work with her was very successful.” She says more pointedly.

“That’s great.” Ali responds almost automatically before the meaning of it fully hits her. “Oh. So, she uh…” She feels her stomach drop.

“Yes, she’s been physically trucking along very well so to speak.” Nancy doesn’t miss the way Ali’s whole face falls.

“I’m glad for her.” Ali says genuinely, even if it stings a bit.

“There are still some things we’re working through. When I say physically successful, I mean exactly that. She’s been keeping things to the physical realm and hasn’t ventured into any kind of emotionally-based conversation, let alone any attachment.” Nancy elaborates. “I think she’ll eventually build to that and make progress there, but right now she’s where she needs to be of her own accord and she’s doing well.”

Ali takes another sip of her coffee in an effort not to show how excited she is to hear that. She knows that Ashlyn moving on is a good thing and she wants her to be happy, she really does…but she can’t help but feel good right now that the woman hasn’t gotten into a fully involved relationship with someone yet. If nothing else, it makes her feel like what they had together was as real as it seemed. “I’m really glad to know she’s ok.” She repeats as if it’s going to make her case.

“Mhmm.” Nancy smirks at her knowingly. “You’re also allowed to smile and feel relieved at that information.”

“Well thanks a lot, Fancy Pants! You could at least pretend I’m being completely professional.” Ali laughs.

“When have I ever pretended?” Nancy plays back. “Besides, professional is more elastic than a rubber-band when it comes to surrogacy. Just own it.”

“I know, I know.” Ali drops her head and takes another sip of coffee as her mind muses over what she just learned. “I really do just want her to be happy. I’ll always love her and always want the best for her…even if that’s never meant to be me.” She says softly.

“I completely believe that. I can actually see it all over your face…it’s the way you smile when I mention her.” Nancy leaves it at that with some honesty of her own.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _April 15, 2019_ **

“About fucking time.” Ashlyn puts her drink down when she sees the caller ID and rushes to answer. She waits patiently through the robot voice and accepts the charges before finally hearing her brother say hello. “Three weeks?! Was starting to wonder if you lost your way to the phone again.” She yells at him.

“I know, I know. Not my fault though, been fucking crazy in here to get some damn phone time lately. They moved in a lot of new guys from another facility that got shut down or some shit. Anyway, got your letter from a couple weeks ago…what’s the deal?” Chris explains himself.

“Just typical prison bureaucracy bullshit. After hearing nothing on my damn background check for the whole 2 month waiting period, I call like ten different people to try and figure out what the status is. Takes another two weeks for the director to get back to me, just to fucking tell me that they don’t have any paperwork from me requesting a visitor background check. So, I keep the guy on the phone and literally email him the confirmation I received when I submitted it and he bumbles on for 5 minutes trying to explain how the computer system can have glitches. Of course making up some total crap and thinking I have no idea how fucking computers work.” Ashlyn rants. “Anyway, after all that shit, I still had to resubmit everything and go through the same waiting period again. At least he called to tell me they actually got it this time and it has been put through to processing. Fucking ridiculous and I’m sorry that it’s delaying my visit.”

“Aww, poor Tag-along couldn’t throw her billionaire weight around for once.” Chris teases her with a hearty laugh. “Fucking chill, this shit happens all the time and it’s not like I’m going anywhere. Are those drums? Where the hell are you?”

“Oh yeah, shit. Let me move a bit.” Ashlyn gets up from her lounge chair and walks down towards the beach so she can get away from the morning performer playing some kind of hand drums near the bar. “I’m actually in Hawaii, just needed to get out of the city for a little.”

“Smart girl! No better place to practice your hit and run technique than with those hot as fuck Hawaiian girls. Yeeew!” Chris hollers.

“Believe it or not, I’m trying not to do that crap anymore before I fuck myself over in all kinds of ways.” Ashlyn says adamantly.

“Ha, alright. Is it working?” He asks.

“So far.” Ashlyn shrugs even though he can’t see her.

“Very convincing.” Chris’ voice drips with sarcasm.

“Well, I’ve been surrounded by women in bikinis for seven days and I haven’t so much as gotten up to the plate. So, must be doing something right.” Ashlyn informs him.

“Or just losing your touch, but sure.” He keeps teasing her.

“Fuck off. At least I have a touch.” Ashlyn retorts before moving on. “Anyway, so looking like late May or early June for visiting you, but I’ll be there ASAP.”

“All good. Like I said, just relax. It’s totally fine.” Chris reassures her. “I should go, there’s a big line for the phone. I’ll see you when I see you and I’ll call again when I can.”

“Yeah, ok. Take care of yourself and I’ll let you know when I get approved.” Ashlyn replies.

“Oh hey, have one of those fancy ass drinks in a coconut with a little umbrella in it for me.” Chris chuckles. “And carve a gnarly wave for me too.”

“I’ll have two. And I already did carve a few, but I’ll keep at it.” Ashlyn promises. “Love you, Buster.”

“Love you too, Tag-along.” Chris hangs up.

Ashlyn walks back to the resort and resettles into her lounge chair, finishing her pineapple orange juice and enjoying the morning sun for a while longer. Her eyes open when she feels a shadow over her.

“Should I bring you something stronger than juice, Ashlyn?” The bar waitress asks. It’s the same woman that has been here every morning working at the resort’s beach bar.

“Not unless it’s coffee.” Ashlyn smiles up at her.

“Aw, come on. It’s already past 9am, that’s late enough to get started.” The woman tempts her.

“If I do that, I’ll be a goner by noon. I’m already wiped from early surfing this morning and I wouldn’t want to waste this beautiful day. But thank you anyway, Lani.” Ashlyn replies politely.

“Alright, can I get you that coffee then?” Lani asks.

“That would be great, thank you.” Ashlyn nods.

It’s only a few minutes before Lani is back with a fresh cup of coffee, placing it down on the little table beside the lounge chair. “Anything else I can get you?” She asks.

“Actually, yeah. I was wondering if you had any suggestions for some kind of sightseeing or hiking? I’m looking for something quiet and not too crowded. Nothing touristy.” Ashlyn requests. So far she has spent her time surfing and hanging out on the beach while she does some work. It has been a nice escape, but she’s hoping to get a little more adventurous.

“I know a really private spot with great food and amazing views.” Lani tells her.

“Sounds perfect. Where?” Ashlyn inquires.

“My place.” Lani smirks at her. “I’m done here at 4pm and you are invited for all kinds of private time, great food, majestic views, and even better company.” She runs her hand up her own side as if to showcase herself.

“Oh um…” Ashlyn stutters to reply having been taken off guard. “Well you’re absolutely right about the amazing views and the good company.” She starts with some genuine flattery. The woman is undoubtedly attractive with long dark hair, sun-kissed skin that is caramel in color, her form petite but athletic. “But, I’m really not looking to get involved in anything right now…even though that is a highly tempting offer.”

“Only thing I was planning to get involved in was a private tour, clothing optional. Then you come back here after, and you go home soon on top of that. Nothing to get involved in.” Lani tries again with a devilish smile.

“Do you offer this special private tour to all the single tourists who sit near your bar?” Ashlyn asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Not unless they look like you. I have standards.” Lani says flirtatiously.

“You make it really damn hard to say no. I mean that.” Ashlyn sighs and bites her lip, her resolve starting to slightly weaken. “Very honestly though, the whole reason I came here was to get myself back on track. I was starting to take too many private tours back home, you know? I need to move on from that and it really has to start now.” She explains earnestly.

“Gudfunnit, bad timing.” Lani pouts.

“Yeah. Had this been like two weeks ago, I would totally be on that private tour right now. No question.” Ashlyn assures her.

“You’re cute… even though you just totally admitted that you like to hit and quit it.” Lani smiles. “And now I’m really pissed I’m not giving you the tour!” She huffs jokingly and lightly swats Ashlyn with the bar towel she was holding. “I fully expect to still get those killer smiles from you while you’re here.” She points a finger at her.

“Count on it.” Ashlyn grins.

“Well now that there’s no private tour happening, my next best answer is Waipio Valley Beach. I’ll mark it on one of the maps they have at front desk for you. It’s a pretty steep and challenging 3 mile hike down into the valley, but you can mostly stick to some downhill roads. Totally worth the black sand beach and waterfalls at the bottom. This is the slow season, so I doubt you’ll run into other tourists there.” Lani describes it. “The uphill hike back can be really slow, but the resort has an off-road vehicle that can shuttle you back once you hit the road that’s only a half mile up from the beach. So, just tell the front desk and they can set up the time to pick you up there.”

“Oh wow, that sounds great. Thank you so much, that’s perfect.” Ashlyn says gratefully.

“You should get going if you’re going to have time to do it today. The resort shuttle can get you over to the trailhead. Oh and if you go swimming there, don’t go in too far and watch the tide…the currents can be very strong in that area.” Lani warns her.

“Promise I’ll be careful.” Ashlyn nods, excited to get going.

“I’ll go in and mark a map for you and leave it with front desk. Let me know tomorrow how it goes.” Lani smiles at her.

“I will, thanks again!” Ashlyn gives her a little wave and lets her eyes wander down to the woman’s ass cheeks that are just barely peeking out of her very tight and tiny shorts as she walks away_. One down, you’ve got this._ She lets out a deep breath, admittedly proud of herself for not giving in.

By mid-afternoon, her toes are dug into soft black sand as she takes in the most beautiful cliff-side waterfall that streams right into the ocean. Lani was right, this place is breathtaking and peaceful. The hike down was a bit treacherous at times, but the views along the way and the beach itself is well worth it.

No one else around, so she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. With the feeling of perfectly crisp and salty air in her lungs, thoughts of Ali coming rushing right into her mind. She battles them for a few moments, soon realizing that it’s ok to relish in them. _You don’t have to forget her, you just have to keep moving forward. It’s simple. _

She relaxes and smiles to herself. That radiant smile with a little bit of tongue poking through the teeth… those whiskey eyes, their stare ever passionate and inquisitive…the warmth and love expressed in them …the way it all changed into an intense fire when the brunette came on her fingers… skin always hot against her own…the softness of the reassuring hand that always found her cheek in both stormy moments and tranquil ones. She welcomes in every memory that comes to mind, breathing slow and deep because it’s different here, tranquil and just better. _Better here than anywhere else. _

When she eventually opens her eyes, her surroundings look the same, but it feels as if everything has changed inside. She has no idea what exactly, but there’s a renewed sense of calm and purpose…as if a light has suddenly shown on a new path.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _April 27, 2019_ **

“Whew butch, looking like sex in a suit! That golden Hawaiian tan is doing things to me.” Megan adjusts Ashlyn’s bowtie and gets her hands lightly slapped away. “Oh hey now, she bites. Meow.” She teasingly paws at her.

“Don’t embarrass me.” Ashlyn shoots her a look and starts letting her eyes wander the crowded room to see who she recognizes. She easily spots Whitney who is already engaged in conversation with a couple of programmers and a CEO from another local tech company.

“Kam couldn’t make it, but she sent Adam instead. He’s the head of her development team if you remember. He’s over there in the navy blue blazer.” Megan points him out.

“Yeah I’ve talked to him a couple times over web conferencing, but I should go introduce myself in person and start there.” Ashlyn nods.

“Right-O. I’m gonna go schmooze with the Facebook rep and buy him some drinks. The longer they think we’re under their thumb, the better.” Megan replies.

“Good idea, but buy yourself a couple drinks first. He’s incredibly douchy and lame.” Ashlyn wrinkles her nose.

“Thanks for the tip.” Megan immediately puts up her hand to signal the bartender.

Just a little over an hour later, Ashlyn is back at the bar having earned herself a much needed drink after making one trip around the room. She figures she’ll sit and enjoy her whiskey before making one last round to get anyone she missed and slipping out quietly as usual. She takes a long sip of the amber liquor and lets it roll over her tongue, enjoying the burn against her throat as she swallows it.

“Jägermeister double, neat.” Someone drops into the seat next to her at the bar.

Ashlyn continues to stare down at her drink in an effort not to have to strike up another conversation before she can finish her drink and go, but it’s no use as the slightly accented voice pipes up again with a question clearly directed at her.

“Are these events always so boring?” Ashlyn looks up to find a tall, slender woman with dark hair and light bluish-gray eyes, her skin naturally tan and smooth, her lipstick a deep glossy red…the very same woman she told Crystal just a few weeks ago could be Adriana Lima’s sister. The woman looks at her enquiringly with a mirthful smile.

“Depends on who you talk to, but pretty much.” Ashlyn smiles back at her. “Let me guess, you were talking to them?” She jokingly points to a group of five guys huddled together in conversation about twenty feet away, three of them wearing polo shirts branded with a tech company logo and tucked into their khaki pants. She can’t help but shake her head slightly at their choice of clothing for a gala event. _Some things never change._

“You’re probably kidding, but I actually was talking to them a little while ago.” The woman laughs softly.

“Just an educated guess with excellent odds. Over half the people this room are tech programmers and computer scientists. Probably some of the smartest people on the planet, but socializing is not their strong suit.” Ashlyn explains.

“Oh, and what do you do?” The woman asks curiously.

“I’m one of them.” Ashlyn tips her head towards the same group of programmers.

“You’re definitely not one of _them_.” The woman giggles, her eyes traveling to the group of programmers and then back to Ashlyn. “You certainly don’t dress like them. And you’ve already been more talkative in 2 minutes than they were in half an hour.”

“Well believe it or not, I am.” Ashlyn replies. “A few things changed out of necessity once I became a CEO, but I’m still one of them at heart.” She chuckles and sips her drink, wondering now where this conversation is going.

“Interesting.” The woman nods. “So, smart, tech savvy, funny, well dressed, and clearly successful. I guess I need to hang out with more of the programmers turned CEOs then.” The woman takes the drink the bartender just put down in front of her and clinks it with Ashlyn’s. “I’m Luz by the way.”

“Luz Rainha…I know who are.” Ashlyn says smoothly, noticing the slightly taken aback look on the woman’s face and quickly adding “Anyone who isn’t living under a rock in this city knows who you are, especially those of us in the 10th congressional district.”

Over the last year, Luz Rainha has become one of the most closely watched and heralded U.S. congressional candidates in NYC history. Her self-made fashion label had already given her somewhat of a celebrity presence from which to launch a political platform, but it’s her more recent outspoken activism on immigration reform that has cemented her popularity among democrats in her district. Pair that with the backstory of being born and raised in Brazil by a single mother who worked as a seamstress, immigrating to the US when she was 18 and gaining citizenship shortly after graduating from NYU before developing her highly successful fashion label, and she has been the shining beacon of hope for ousting the current sitting Republican congressman in next year’s election.

“I’m still getting used to that.” Luz admits. “Totally not fair that you know me, but I don’t know you. And you’re one of my potential constituents no less.”

“Ashlyn Harris, CEO of Hargen, Inc.” Ashlyn introduces herself, holding out her hand and immediately impressed by the firm handshake she gets in return from the small hand that fits comfortably into her own.

“Porra! I’ve read about you!” Luz almost squeaks. “The Instagram woman, right?”

“Correct. Or just Ashlyn.” Ashlyn replies humbly with a little laugh.

“Merda da revista! There was no picture in the Forbes article. So, I pictured someone…” Luz pauses, stuck now to say something that isn’t offensive.

Ashlyn just props her elbow up on the bar and rest her cheek on her hand. “Someone nerdier? Maybe a little homely?” She suggests in amusement.

“I need to stop talking.” Luz jokingly covers her mouth. “I admit that I didn’t picture fashionable and highly attractive with an amazing smile and sparkling eyes to match. Like I said before, you are absolutely not one of them.” She motions to the programmers from before.

Ashlyn’s eyes go wide at the blatantly flirtatious compliment. _Wait, is she…_

“What, you think I left Brazil to chase the American dream?” Luz scoffs with a little giggle, immediately recognizing the confused look on Ashlyn’s face. “High fashion flourishes in Brazil, might have been easier to build a label there actually…but, not when people find out you prefer the company of women. I’m not much for compromise when it comes to what I want. So maybe you’ve been living a little under a rock after all. Either that or you don’t follow the political scene closely.”

“Guilty. Other than being educated enough on the issues to vote, I avoid politics. I just don’t trust politicians, they’re a lot like CEOs. And I don’t really trust CEOs either to be honest. Probably because I’m not a typical CEO.” Ashlyn divulges with a shrug.

“And I’m not a typical politician.” Luz counters with a smirk.

“Oh I know. I watched you rip the governor a new asshole over his stance on food stamps last week, that was something.” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“That was nothing. That imbecil better hope I don’t win the election or he’s gonna have a lot more assholes to wipe.” Luz says with some bite.

“Well then, guess I better get out from under my anti-politics rock and read up more on you.” Ashlyn replies.

“Or you could just get it all directly from me with no political bullshit in the way.” Luz suggests.

_Was that a hint, or… this woman is definitely a livewire. _Ashlyn isn’t quite sure what to make of the seemingly forward statement and opts to change the subject. “Now I’m curious, what exactly brings you to a tech gala? Trying to figure out voting technology?”

“Didn’t think of that, but not a bad idea.” Luz taps her chin. “Now that my attention is shifting towards a political run, my fashion label needs to update in terms of our online presence and even in our communication capabilities. I’ve been very hands-on and involved in every aspect of my company to this point, but the truth is that I won’t have the time going forward and need to have better ways to delegate and keep everything running without being so in control of it all. A good friend of mine dragged me here as a way to start meeting people that might be helpful.”

“Oh god no.” Ashlyn scoffs. “All you’ll get here are a bunch of dorks bragging about their latest coding strategies and telling the dumbest jokes you’ve ever heard. If you’re lucky, you run into a CEO or upper level executive that will at least make you laugh properly before trying to sell you on why you need a different server or advertising platform.”

“Nossa, you’re not kidding! That’s been my experience so far tonight. At least I finally ran into a CEO that makes me laugh.” Luz smirks. “So, do I need a different server or perhaps to start advertising on Instagram?”

“Not the typical CEO, remember? Well, except for the funny part.” Ashlyn playfully points to herself with her thumbs, admittedly charmed by the way the woman mixes in words from what she assumes is Portuguese without even realizing.

“Pode crer. So, any advice on who I should talk to then?” Luz asks more seriously.

“Well, mid-May there’s a weekend long national business summit catered towards women right here in city. The social networking reception on Saturday night is usually filled with upper level people from all kinds of business solution markets. And even better, just about all women…so, no dorks in polo shirts and khakis telling bad dad jokes. That’s your best bet for making the right connections, especially local ones.” Ashlyn offers up.

“That’s a great idea. Is it open to the public or is there a special registration?” Luz inquires.

“You can register for the panel series if you’re a business owner, but it’s likely too late to reserve a space for the networking reception.” Ashlyn informs her. “Not a problem though. If you’re interested in going, you can be my plus one.” _Holy shit, what the fuck I am doing._ The offer is out of her mouth before she can even think on it.

“I’m your plus one then! Thank you, this is incredibly helpful.” Luz replies enthusiastically before her face turns serious. “One problem though…”

“What’s that?” Ashlyn questions, her head sort of spinning now.

“I’m nobody’s plus one until at least the third date.” Luz says matter-of-factly.

“Oh uh…” Ashlyn stutters with no idea how to respond.

“You wanted to know more about me without the political bullshit in the way, right? And the feeling is mutual, so…” Luz just pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through her calendar. “What are you doing this Wednesday at 1pm?”

Ashlyn couldn’t be more intrigued if she tried, pulling up her own calendar in an attempt to brace for whatever kind of tornado this woman is sucking her right into. She does her best to collect herself as she scrolls through her Wednesday schedule, trying to figure out a way to diffuse this situation until she realizes she doesn’t have to. Luz Rainha has had her on her toes and captivated for the last fifteen minutes, something few people can achieve. _Why the fuck not? _

“Having lunch with you.” Ashlyn replies coolly as she puts her phone down on the bar.

“Beleza, right answer!” Luz hands Ashlyn her phone. “Put your number in and I’ll text you where to meet me.”

Ashlyn does as she’s told, her head still spinning as she hands the woman’s phone back to her.

“I better go find my friend so I can go home.” Luz smiles. “I was going to spend the ride home telling her how much of a waste of time tonight was, but lucky for her, I ran into you.”

“Glad to be of service.” Ashlyn grins and bows her head.

“Boa noite, Ashlyn.” Luz lightly drags her hand along Ashlyn’s forearm as she starts to walk away.

“Same to you. See you Wednesday.” Ashlyn replies, having no idea what the woman just said but figuring it must be some kind of goodbye. She’s still watching her walk away when Whitney and Megan rush to the bar.

“Oh my god, was that…” Whitney asks incredulously.

“It was.” Ashlyn replies, still a bit stunned herself.

“What was she doing here? What did she say?” Whitney tosses questions out rapidly.

“Well she was apparently here to try and find people that might advise her on communication and online marketing options for her fashion brand. We joked about how boring programmers are and she didn’t believe that I was one.” Ashlyn recounts. “I offered to take her to the networking reception at the summit in May so she can have better luck connecting with someone there. Oh, and then she revealed that she dates women and told me we’re going on a lunch date on Wednesday.” She adds nonchalantly.

“Well that escalated quickly!” Whitney’s mouth drops open.

“I’m sorry, she ‘told you’?” Megan finally chimes in.

“I still don’t know what the fuck just happened. But yeah, she essentially told me we were going out on a date instead of asking me. That’s a first.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Damn, better hold onto to your titties. That is a whole lot of fierce woman, butch.” Megan claps a hand down on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Way to dive right into the deep end of the pool.”

“Pretty sure she pushed me in.” Ashlyn can’t help but laugh at herself.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” Whitney asks half seriously and half amused.

“No fucking clue. Especially because she said at least four things I didn’t even understand.” Ashlyn shakes her head at herself.

“Well, you’re going on a date and she’s not in your bed yet. That’s progress!” Whitney says optimistically.

“It’s something.” Ashlyn downs the last of her drink and leaves a tip on the bar. “Alright, I’m outta here. See you lovelies on Monday.”

“Where are you going?” Megan calls after her, surprised that she’s leaving already.

“Home to learn some Portuguese.” Ashlyn calls back over her shoulder with a grin.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _May 18, 2019_ **

“Syd, I really don’t know about this.” Ali sighs as she smooths down the black evening dress she’s wearing. “Besides, I still sound ragged from this fucking chest cold and I look pale as all hell.”

“Alright, look…” Syd puts her hands on Ali’s shoulders and pulls her away from the mirror. “I’m not gonna force you, I mean it. So if you wanna ditch me even though it’s in like an hour, I won’t be upset.” She prefaces. “But I’m just gonna say that this is kinda important to me, on both sides. Unlike Kyle or whoever else, I’m not over here trying to set you up on some blind date. Like I said when you agreed to come with me, I’m just introducing you. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen is fine.”

“I know and I’m not backing out on you.” Ali bites her lip, feeling an unfounded sense of hesitation that she can’t understand. “What’s the story with her again? Sorry, I know you told me, but my brain is all scattered this week.” She knows Syd already went over all of this, but she’s been crazily trying to make-up appointments with clients she cancelled on when she was sick for a week and the last few days feel like a blur.

“She was one of my original marketing clients and I freaking love her. She’s really nice and easy going. I’ve always thought you two would hit it off, but she was in Chicago before and the opportunity never presented itself. Anyway, she moved here to be closer to her mom like six months ago and moved her yoga studio here too. We recently reconnected when I ran into her in February while she was visiting friends back home and she mentioned that she doesn’t know many people in NYC and is kind of lonely.” Syd explains again. “So I told her that my best friend lives here and that you love yoga. She wanted me to tell you to come take a class at her studio, but I told her I’d introduce you at the reception after the business ethics panel tonight. She’s on the panel tonight too.”

“I remember now.” Ali nods.

“So, no pressure. It’s not like I told her you were single and looking or anything. Just meet her and if you think she’s cool, which I know you will, you two can hang out. Or you can take a class of hers at least, she’s great!” Syd tries to keep everything calm and casual.

“Alright, I can do that. Sorry, I don’t mean to be such a spaz. I just stopped putting pressure on myself to date and don’t want to feel like I’m forcing it again.” Ali tells her frankly.

“Als, I know babe. We talk every few days.” Syd rolls her eyes. “Just come be my date to this shindig and we’ll have fun. That’s it.”

“Got it. I’m good now.” Ali assures her.

“Great, now can we fucking go already so I can prepare myself for this panel? Geez, when did you become the needy one?” Syd playfully scoffs and earns a little elbow from Ali. “You look sexy and fab by the way. Oh, Uber is here…you can teach me about ethics on the way there.” She laughs.

“Yeah who on earth asked _you_ to speak on ethics?” Ali teases as she grabs her coat. “Never met anyone more unethical in my life.”

“Oh, you sassy little fucker!” Syd swats her lightly. “That’s my girl!”

\---

“You were amazing!” Ali hugs Syd tight. She’s heard her give little marketing presentations before, but listening to her best friend talk so passionately about what she does and the business world in general was on a whole other level.

“Thanks, babes. Can you believe that wench who asked me how it was possible to be ethical in marketing when my whole job is swindling people into buying products?!” Syd puts her hand on her hip.

“Total bitch!” Ali agrees. “But you shut her ass down with your answer while being perfectly professional at the same time. Such a queen! Totally made her look like a clown.” She sings Syd’s praises, her eyes wandering to the blonde woman across the room with the stylish pixie cut who is talking to a few other women. “You said she’s really nice, but you failed to mention that she looks like Charlize Theron with the build of Jillian Michaels.”

“Good looking was implied. I wouldn’t set you up if she was unfortunate.” Syd replies matter-of-factly. “And of course she has a nice bod, the woman does yoga all fucking day.”

“You sound like Kyle.” Ali rolls her eyes. “And now you admit you’re setting me up?” She raises her eyebrow.

“Oh shut it, you know what I meant.” Syd waves her off. “So, what do you think so far?”

“Well, she’s really well spoken and I like how she had your back up there when you were putting the bitch with rude question in her place.” Ali answers truthfully. “If you like her so much, I’m sure I will too. I’m looking forward to meeting her. There, satisfied?”

“Not since we started trying to make a baby and the focus is on getting Dom off properly for max production instead of on my needs.” Syd jokes.

“Really right now?” Ali cringes.

“Well it’s true! Anyway, I’m always satisfied when I’m right and you’re wrong. So, yes.” Syd quips back. “The reception is in the hotel across the street, so let’s head over there and get some drinks. I’ll introduce you there when she’s not tied up.”

They’re just about done with their first round of drinks and debating going to get another before the bar gets too crowded from people trickling in when a voice comes from behind them.

“I thought I would never get out of there.” The blonde woman says to Syd and smiles politely at Ali. “Is it an open bar?”

“Only for beer and wine, the rest you have to pay for.” Syd replies. “Paige, this is my bestie, Ali Krieger…Ali, this is my best former client ever, Paige Vogel. Cannot believe it took me this long to introduce you two.”

“Nice to meet you, Ali.” Paige smiles widely at her. “Syd has told me a lot about you over the few years I’ve known her. I have to admit I’m fascinated by what you do. In a good way… like I think the whole thing is so rooted in human nature and really beautiful in a way.” She adds the last part so she doesn’t sound creepy. “Wow, I’m on speaker overdrive and just rambling like a dope, sorry!”

“It’s great to meet you too, and thank you. Most people assume I’m some kind of an escort, so we’re off to a good start.” Ali jokes and smiles back at her. “I actually recently went back to doing only regular office therapy, so I guess I’m boring again. And I’ll blame her for the fact that all I know about you is that you’re a yoga master.” She motions to Syd.

“To her credit, there probably isn’t anything else interesting about me.” Paige laughs lightly. “Sometimes I question whether running my own studio is worth living and breathing yoga, but then again, I love it too. So, how come you’re not doing the other kind of therapy anymore?”

“Oh see, that’s something about Paige that isn’t yoga related… she’s very inquisitive.” Syd finally chimes into the conversation and gets a little look from Paige. “What? It’s true, you ask a shit ton of questions.”

“I had never worked with a marketing company before you, of course I asked a lot of questions. Should I have just handed you my bank account and let you do whatever?” Paige defends herself.

“Obviously.” Syd says casually.

“You’ll have to excuse her, she’s apparently ‘unsatisfied’ lately.” Ali makes air quotes with her fingers and gives Paige an insinuating look.

“Oh my gosh, you are exactly like she described you. I love it!” Paige laughs and looks at Syd. “Just send Dom to me. I’ll make sure every muscle except his tongue is so sore that he’ll have no other option.”

Ali has to spit the last sip of wine she took back into her glass so she doesn’t choke on it laughing.

“K, this was a bad idea. So, Paige this was Ali and Ali this was Paige. We gotta go now, byyyyeee!” Syd pretends to drag Ali away as they all giggle.

“Anyway, to answer your question…it’s just a lot both mentally and physically to juggle a regular practice and the sex surrogate aspect together. It involves getting attached to people in a unique way and it can be really draining. Puts a real dent in your personal life too, because most people just don’t get it or it makes them uncomfortable. As much as I loved the experience, I realized it was just too much for me long-term and decided it was time to bring it to a close and put the focus back on regular therapy.” Ali answers straight-forwardly.

“Obviously I’ve never really given it any real thought before now, but I can imagine the whole thing not only takes a special person, but a lot of inner strength too.” Paige says thoughtfully with a smile.

_Syd was right, she’s really nice and easy going. Adorable too. _“At least I have more time for yoga now.” Ali lightens the conversation again.

“Yes! You have to come to one of my classes. Judging by those biceps, I’m gonna say one of the advanced classes.” Paige motions to Ali’s arms and pulls a business card out of her suit jacket. “My number and website are on there. The class schedule is on the website and you can obviously just drop into any class, no need to register first.”

_That’s one way to get her number._ “Oh wow, thanks! I'll definitely check it out.” Ali enthusiastically takes the card from her. “I have exercise induced asthma and can’t get into anything too cardio intense, so I’ve been doing yoga since I was like 18. It’s more just accumulated practice over a long time than skill.” She says modestly.

“Well damn, that’s longer than I’ve been at it. Maybe you should teach the class!” Paige teases.

“Oooh, sex therapy yoga! Al, this could be your new thing!” Syd comments excitedly. “I want royalties though.”

“I’d say you had too much to drink, but I know you haven’t. So, you clearly haven’t had enough to drink.” Ali shakes her head.

“Oh speaking of, I’m gonna go grab one. I’ll get you two another round while I’m there.” Paige motions to their glasses of wine. “Be right back.”

“Soooo, what do you think?” Syd nudges Ali as soon as Paige is out of earshot.

“Alright, alright, she’s actually great.” Ali concedes with an eye roll. “She seems very chill. Plus, she’s really funny and totally adorable.”

“Thank you…and you’re welcome.” Syd pats herself on the back. “So, are you going to go to her yoga class?”

“Yeah, I don’t see why I wouldn’t.” Ali nods. “If nothing else, we’ll get along enough to be friends.”

“Eeee.” Syd squeaks. “I’m too good at this.”

“Stop before she looks over here and sees you being weird.” Ali warns her.

“Whatever. These appetizer waiter people are going around too slow and I need carbs. I’m gonna go snag a roll from the salad table over there, want one?” Syd offers.

“No, I’m good. You go ahead, I’ll wait here for Paige so she can find us.” Ali replies and watches Syd walk away. She turns her attention over towards the far corner bar where Paige went. It gives her a chance to shamelessly take the woman in for a minute. Despite the short pixie haircut, the blonde is pretty feminine with her makeup perfectly done. Her gray pant suit and black skinny tie give her a very slight masculine edge, but it’s paired with black heels that tamper it down. _She’s really attractive. _The honest thought goes through her mind just as her eyes settle beyond Paige and widen in surprise.

_Oh my god…it can’t…oh my god. _Paige is long forgotten as Ali blink her eyes, her mouth hanging open slightly even as her lips unconsciously curl into a smile. _Ashlyn. _She stands there frozen to the spot with tunnel vision, trying to take in every detail as if the woman is going to disappear any second. _She’s gorgeous…flawless. _Ashlyn is standing a couple feet from the bar and in conversation with a few people. _Her hair is longer. _Her hairstyle is generally the same short combed pompadour look, but it’s somewhat longer and softer now compared to the skin fade she had last time she saw her. Of course, she’s wearing a perfectly tailored navy suit with a wine colored tie that puts everyone else in the room to shame. _God, she looks so good. _Ali’s heart thunders in her chest and she feels like she might pass out as she watches Ashlyn talk animatedly, the woman’s pillow soft lips forming a confident smile that makes her knees weak.

It feels like a bucket of cold water when the initial shock subsides and her eyes trail down from Ashlyn’s face to see that her hand is on some woman’s back. _Oh. _Her heart pangs in a completely different way as she stares at Ashlyn’s hand, almost able to feel it protectively resting on the small of her own back. _Fuck, pull yourself together._

_Luz Rainha?! She’s with Luz Rainha?! _She finally places the woman that Ashlyn is clearly in some kind of a relationship with based on their body language and closeness to each other. She watches as Ashlyn makes everyone laugh and then briefly turns her attention to Luz, giving her a dimpled grin as if they have some inside joke and then moving to entwine their hands. _Fuck, the way she smiles at her. Fuck. Breathe._

Ali takes a deep breath and looks down at the floor for a second to compose herself. She knows she needs to stop staring, but can’t help watching them a bit longer. It doesn’t even take a minute for it to be apparent. _They look happy together. She’s happy. _

That’s all it takes for the slight panic to set in and she immediately turns her back to Ashlyn before she’s seen. _I need to get out of here._ Not only is she in no way prepared for the potential of Ashlyn seeing her and having to deal with the awkwardness that might follow, but she’s here with Syd who would probably figure out the whole thing out right away. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. How do I get out of here? _Her mind races to come up with a way to leave so that Syd won’t be suspicious. And Paige… how does she leave without offending the woman she just met? The last thing she wants to do is to make Paige feel like she’s sneaking away.

“Is Paige still at the bar?” Syd is back before Ali can come up with anything.

“Uh yeah, it’s pretty crowded over there.” Ali glances back at the bar, her heart feeling like it’s in her throat as her eyes flicker over to Ashlyn again. _What was I thinking coming to this?! I should’ve known she would be here. Fucking idiot! _She mentally screams at herself for not trusting the hesitation in her gut before they even came here tonight. _You knew! You felt her miles before you saw her. Idiot!_ Luckily, Syd is too focused on eating her bread roll at the moment to realize anything is wrong.

“Sorry, the bar was slammed.” Paige apologizes as she arrives with their drinks.

“Thank you.” Ali does her best to smile as she takes her wine from Paige.

“Thanfffyou.” Syd mumbles with her mouth full.

“Nice.” Paige shakes her head at Syd.

“Langoustine cakes, ladies?” A waiter comes over with a tray of tiny appetizers.

_Yes, this! _Ali can’t believe her luck, immediately grabbing one and popping it into her mouth before Syd can utter anything to stop her.

“Ali, no!” Syd slaps Ali’s hand and drops the rest of her bread roll in the process, but it’s too late.

“What the hell?” Ali acts shocked as she quickly swallows the small bite.

“Langoustine is lobster!” Syd looks horrified.

“Really? Thought he said Florentine cakes. Fuck.” Ali quickly swishes some wine in her mouth for show, but she knows the damage is done.

“What’s going on?” Paige stands there looking between the two women in confusion.

“She’s allergic to some shellfish, definitely lobster.” Syd quickly explains before turning her attention back to Ali. “Do you have anything with you?”

“Not in this purse, no.” Ali lies through her teeth, knowing damn well every purse she owns has Benadryl tablets in it. “It’s fine, it wasn’t that much. Not enough for me to break out the epi-pen anyway. I should just go home so I can take some Benadryl and ice down my face to keep my eyes from swelling. It’s only a 10 minute ride back anyway.” She assures them, feeling bad because Paige looks majorly concerned now.

“Ok, let’s get you home.” Syd is already in motion to leave.

“No, no! Stay. Really, I’m going to be totally fine and the reception just started. You were one of the panel speakers and people probably want to talk to you, you should stay.” Ali appeals to her, desperate to go but feeling so guilty. “I’m just gonna grab an Uber and be home in no time and take care of it. I’ll text as soon as I’m in the door and take the pills, ok?”

“Shit, are you sure?” Syd asks worriedly,

“Promise, I’ll be fine. It really wasn’t enough to cause a big reaction.” Ali assures her. “We’ll do coffee in the morning, ok?”

“Yeah ok. Geez, Al…you have me freaking out right now.” Syd looks her over again, never able to forget the time in college when a restaurant served Ali the wrong mac and cheese and she ate half of it before realizing there was lobster in it. By the time they made it to the emergency room, Ali’s throat had mostly closed up and she could barely breathe.

“Really, it was just a bite. It’s happened before and I’ll be fine.” Ali reassures her yet again.

“I already ordered an Uber, it’s a minute away. It’s a Silver Ford Fusion.” Paige tells them.

“Oh, that’s really sweet of you. Thanks.” Ali smiles at her. “I’m just gonna grab my coat and head home. I’ll text you.” She tells Syd again before turning back to Paige. “It was so nice to meet you and I’m sorry I’m cutting the night short like this. We’ll do yoga soon though.”

“I’m counting on it.” Paige smiles. “It was great to meet you too and I really hope you feel better. Go ahead, I’m sure the Uber is here.”

Ali nods and gives Syd a hug before quickly making her way to coat check and finally out to the hotel’s car pickup area. She sees the Uber right away, getting in and telling the driver where to go before taking the Benadryl that’s in her purse. “Cannot believe that just fucking happened.” She mumbles to herself.

By the time she gets home, the left side of her face is tingling and she can feel the stomach cramps starting up. She takes one more Benadryl tablet and grabs an ice pack, texting Syd that she’s fine and sending a picture of her still normal face with it so the woman can relax and enjoy the reception. She slips off her dress and throws on some comfortable sweats, taking the time to wipe off her makeup before settling into bed.

“Ugh.” She softly grunts as she lays back on her pillow with an ice pack over her left cheek where the tingling is. “Wow, I literally poisoned myself because I ran into Ashlyn and her date or girlfriend or whatever the fuck. Just wow, Ali…real fucking smooth.” She says out loud in disbelief and sighs deeply.

“Luz Rainha, of course it would be someone like Luz Rainha.” She grumbles again just minutes later. According to an article she read recently in the New York Times, the woman’s name literally translates into “Light Queen”. _How does one even compete with that? _She’s beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, a total force for good, and one of those people that is successful at every damn thing they do. Just last month she was internally wishing she could be more like this woman, and after seeing Ashlyn’s hand on her back tonight, the feeling couldn’t be any stronger than right now.

Everything swirls around in her mind and before she knows it she’s pulling up Ashlyn’s Instagram, something she swore she wouldn’t do. There are only two new pictures posted since the last time she looked back when she and Ashlyn were still having sessions. One is a sunset over the Brooklyn Bridge posted a couple months ago. The other is the picture she was hoping wasn’t going to be there, but it is…

“Fun afternoon with this powerhouse.”

The caption is followed by a little heart eyes emoji underneath a selfie of Ashlyn and Luz, their smiling faces close together with coffees in their hands.

_We never took a picture together._ The realization hits her for the first time and she wonders why for a few minutes even though it’s obvious. Their time together was almost always in sessions, their focus completely on each other and nothing else outside of that. Their phones were ignored along with everything else, living in their own space that no one could intrude on. _Our own world...but not the real world. _It definitely stings, but that’s exactly what she had tried to explain to Ashlyn. It was all real, but none of it could be real world.

She also suddenly understands better what Mark told her about not letting her hope color her actions. If Ashlyn was any other client and if she wasn’t holding on to the tiniest hope that someday they could be together again, then she’d be feeling nothing but happy for the woman right now. This aching hurt in her chest wouldn’t be there, nor would the prick of jealousy. And she would have stayed tonight, maybe waved hello or actually had a little polite and pleasant conversation with no consequence. But she ran…she ran away in a fear that she can only compare to running through the dust of the crumbling World Trade Center towers.

_No more. You get tonight and then that hope doesn’t control your life. _She makes a deal with herself and does her best to push away the jealousy and hurt, trying instead to focus on the parts of her that lit up inside at seeing Ashlyn. _She looked amazing. _Her mind keeps going back to Ashlyn’s hair for some reason, the slightly longer length making her look a bit softer and more in tune with her gentle personality. _With_ _drops of Jupiter in her hair. _The Train song lyrics run through her mind out of nowhere and she just rolls with it, plugging her phone into the speaker on her nightstand and putting _Drops of Jupiter_ on repeat before closing her eyes as the Benadryl kicks in.

_But tell me  
did the wind sweep you off your feet  
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day  
And head back to the Milky Way  
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind  
Was it everything you wanted to find  
And did you miss me while you were  
looking for yourself out there?_

_\----_

“Ah, that was perfeito!” Luz says excitedly as they take an Uber home after the networking reception. “I have so many options now, and all of them women like us. I can’t believe it.” She squeezes Ashlyn’s hand. “Thank you for taking me.”

“Of course.” Ashlyn smiles at her and entwines their fingers more snuggly. “I figured this would be exactly what you were looking for.” She rubs little circles on Luz’s hand with her thumb.

“You’re good at knowing what I’m looking for.” Luz flirts and rests her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“That’s because you always tell me.” Ashlyn chuckles softly. It couldn’t be more true. Luz is like nothing she has ever quite encountered before. There’s blunt, and then there’s Luz who doesn’t hesitate to speak exactly what’s on her mind at any given moment with no worry about whether it’s gonna be offensive or not. She’s like this fireball that draws you right in, perfectly warm and inviting even though the flames can burn you to a crisp.

More importantly, as Ashlyn has learned in the last couple weeks, with Luz’s strong personality comes seemingly endless patience too. She’s intense when you’re with her, all of her focus and energy on you, but there’s no pushing or prying. She’ll tell you anything that crosses her mind, but she also puts no expectation or judgement on you. She’s easy to talk to even if the bluntly honest thoughts you know you’ll get in return can make you a little nervous. The combination is hard to describe and all Ashlyn knows right now is that it feels like a welcome challenge, one where she keeps coming back for more.

They’ve been on three dates before tonight and although there’s an obvious physical attraction between them, each has been content to let it sit on the back burner for now. They’ve held hands a lot and there have been a couple of very quick and chaste pecks goodnight, but nothing more. The rest has just been open conversation, getting to know each other more deeply without any rush. And yet, not deeply enough that either of them has waded into anything particularly vulnerable. It’s clear from their lack of conversation about family that the both have their demons, but there’s an underlying understanding that they’ll get to that when they need to. It’s the exact reset that Ashlyn needs, someone who challenges her to connect without pushing for a connection.

Tonight she feels the tug though, not from Luz but from herself. A push at the locked door inside that wants to open itself up to the fireball that has so much potential to bring some warmth and light in. There was an indescribable energy this evening that she can’t figure out other than to say that something just felt good, her gut telling her to take advantage of it and make a move.

“I’m gonna to walk home from here, so I’ll walk you to your door first.” Ashlyn says as she helps Luz out of the Uber, keeping their hands entwined even as she pays the driver.

“What days this week can you do lunch or dinner with me?” Luz asks as they approach the door to her building.

Ashlyn smiles at the typical demand put in the form of a question as if she has an option say no. “I actually have something else in mind.” _Fuck, here we go. Just ask her._

“Oh yeah?” Luz looks at her with intrigue.

“I’m going to Florida on Thursday morning. Remember I told you that’s where I’m from?” Ashlyn pauses for a second to build up the courage and sees the woman nod her head. “I’m going until Sunday. I haven’t seen my brother in a long time…he’s in prison in Florida.” It’s out there now, the only thing she has revealed about her family to this point and there’s no taking it back. She wills herself to be bold and keep going.

“Will you come with me? Not to visit him because you can’t without all this background check bullshit, but will you come to Florida with me?” _Whew, breathe_. Ashlyn tries to gauge the look on Luz’s face, but the expression is just her usual curious one. She’s barely given the woman time to think, but the few seconds of silence is enough to make her panic. “It’s asking a lot, I know. There are things I should tell you, and I’m going back home. So, I thought maybe it would be a good place to start, like show you where I’m from. I know, it’s a little crazy…” She’s cut off with a soft kiss that lingers just a second longer than either of the other two they’ve shared so far.

“I refuse to fly United after they lost my luggage twice, and I like the window seat. Just book it and tell me when we leave.” Luz replies as casually as if Ashlyn had asked her what kind of coffee she wanted.

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks in disbelief.

“Sim.” Luz smiles at her.

“Is that yes?” Ashlyn questions even though she’s pretty sure it is.

“Sim is yes.” Luz giggles. “Boa noite, xuxu.” She pinches Ashlyn’s cheek and starts to walk into the building.

“Boa noite.” Ashlyn calls to her with a dimpled grin, knowing she totally butchered the pronunciation even though Luz just said it and it should have been easy. She watches the woman through the glass door, giving her a little wave as the elevator door starts to close and getting a kiss blown at her in return. “I really need to fucking learn Portuguese.” She smiles to herself, feeling surprisingly unfazed by what just happened and what she’s about to do.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _May 19, 2019_ **

Just like she has for a couple weeks now, Ali wakes herself up coughing. She takes a few sips from the bottle of water on her nightstand and curses the damn chest cold that is still lingering. She immediately grabs her compact mirror from the nightstand drawer, relieved to see that her right eye is fine and the left one is only slightly puffy with a couple little hives on her cheek that some cover-up will easily hide. She finally grabs her phone, seeing that it’s only 7:30am and that she has two text messages.

The first is from Syd, just a goodnight message that says to call as soon as she’s ready so they can meet up for breakfast. The second is from a number she doesn’t recognize, but it puts a smile on her face as soon as she reads it.

_773-241-1180: Good morning Ali, it’s Paige. Hope it’s ok I asked Syd for your number. I’m thinking about you & hoping you’re feeling ok. At least well enough for some yoga this week :-)_

“Well aren’t you adorable.” Ali says to herself, thinking about how to respond.

Her mind replays what happened last night, realizing that her interaction with Paige got lost in the mess of everything else. The text this morning brings it back to forefront, a shining reminder that things were going really well before she let everything with Ashlyn dictate her actions.

_Ash is chasing her happiness…she’s happy. I need to chase my own. _She feels better at that resolution, at least a lot better than she did last night. She looks down at the text again and smiles knowing that she’s about to make Syd’s whole day. She reaches for her purse from last night, pulling out the business card Paige gave her and opening the schedule on the yoga website before typing a message.

_Ali: Good morning, Paige! You’re so sweet to check in. I’m totally fine now. Sorry for bailing last night, but I’ll make up for it when I see you at 5pm Thursday for class. Have a great day!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on these new characters...Love them? Hate them? Maybe somewhere in between?


	42. Blast from the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for patiently waiting for another update! Although work has continued to keep me extremely busy, I'm writing whenever I get even a few minutes. I'm glad you all didn't completely hate Luz and Paige because there's more to come with them. And remember when you voted for Becky as an additional character? Well, ta-da...here she is! Hold on tight, here come some of those sharp turns I warned you about ;-) It's a long one, so settle in and grab the popcorn.
> 
> Thanks to reader ashlnhrrs for once again being the master of Brazilian Portuguese lingo and helping me out!
> 
> Heads up that time jumps will get bigger again in the next chapter.
> 
> As always, leave me a comment to let me know what you think!  
Stay safe and well...we've got this!

Blast from the Past

** _May 25, 2019_ **

“The bond I formed to the surrogate therapist I was working with was intense. I mean, I’ve never felt so connected, understood, and attached to someone in my life like with her.” Ashlyn tries to describe it, choosing not to use the word love because it’s impossible for someone who isn’t in her shoes to truly get it. The last thing she needs in this moment is a slew of complicated questions about Ali which she has no way of properly conveying the answers to. “I guess it really had to be that way for it to work for me. Looking back, I don’t see how it ever would’ve worked if I hadn’t been in that deep with her. And it did, it definitely worked.”

Ashlyn looks up from sand for the first time in the last half hour to find Luz looking at her the same as always, curious and warm. The woman just holds her hand firmly and stays quiet.

“It has been really fucking hard to let go of that connection and of all these aspects of myself that I found with her. I’ve spent the last few months just sort of testing things out physically with other people and trying to hone all this confidence that I just got back. Almost like trying to reconnect with the person I used to be before all the mess and the physical problems.” Ashlyn continues. “Except that in this whole process, I also learned how key it is for me to open up more completely and let people into the things I’ve struggled with. So, now I’m trying to put it all together…like maintain that confidence while being vulnerable about my past too.”

Ashlyn’s instincts had been right, bringing Luz to Florida set the wheels in motion. They spent Thursday just settling into their hotel room and exploring an area of Florida she didn’t know very well because the federal prison is in the central part of the state and not on the east coast where she grew up. Friday she was able to spend 6hrs visiting her brother. Chris looked a lot better than she had expected and the two hugs she got along with their easy conversation had brought a much needed sense of understanding and stability that she didn’t even realize she was missing. As usual, Luz hadn’t pressed her for a single detail and it was all the motivation she needed to drive them to Satellite Beach today, plop herself in the familiar sand, and spill her guts.

Her revelations to Luz aren’t the extreme depth of vivid details and emotions that she experienced with Ali and also less than the full extent of what Whitney and Megan have heard, but still, everything of major importance from her past with her family, dating relationships, and her recent surrogacy experience with Ali has been put out in the open. Her soul laid bare once again, feeling better in that at least she has nothing to hide now.

“Is any of that supposed to scare me away?” Luz asks when Ashlyn goes quiet and appears to be done.

“Not necessarily supposed to, no.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I really like you, Luz…our time together has really meant something to me. Which given where I’ve been lately, that’s saying a lot. And I just didn’t want to keep going along without being real with you about this stuff.” She levels with her. “This is me. This is who I am. Whatever that means to you and how it does or doesn’t change things, I’m just gonna have to roll with it, but I don’t want to be hiding anything.”

“You know by now that what you see is what you get with me, né?” Luz turns her body towards Ashlyn, her feet tucking under the woman’s upper thighs.

“Yeah, I’ve gotten that.” Ashlyn smiles at her.

“Ok, and now I see you more clearly. Your turn to see me, and then we’ll know what we get.” Luz says simply. “We’re from different parts of the world, but our roots…actually not so far apart.”

“I’m not quite following.” Ashlyn is a bit puzzled by what she means.

“You didn’t really know your mother…I never really knew my pai, my father.” Luz elucidates. “Everyone loves the picture of my single mother raising me into some America dream success while running her own little business to keep us barely out of poverty. Rags to riches. That’s just poesia de merda, you know what I mean?”

“Um, something to do shit?” Ashlyn takes her best guess.

“Good enough.” Luz smiles softly. “My mãe worked very hard for two things, survival and privacy to mourn her mistakes without judgement. Still does. My pai had duas caras…like two faces or double-life. He was good looking with a good job, a family man that everyone back in Salvador da Bahia thought my mãe was so lucky to have. She was sort of pushed into marrying him by her father who was good friends with his father. Very few saw his other side…he was a gambler, addicted to it. It ruled his life even more than my mãe ever knew.”

Ashlyn scoots herself closer and wraps an arm around Luz’s shoulder, listening attentively just as the woman did for her.

“When they had my brother, he swore to her that he would stop gambling and she believed him because it was the first time he ever promised her that.” Luz explains solemnly. “But he never did and just got into underground gambling to hide it from her. My brother was five years old when my pai took him to an illegal briga de galos, think you call it a cockfight here. Salvador has some of the worst violent crime in Brazil…and he knew the danger, but he wanted my brother to be a big man like him. Told my mãe he was taking my brother to watch a futbol match, but he took him to gamble. To this day all my mãe knows is that there was a disagreement over money with some gangsters and my pai and brother were left shot dead in the backyard of some drug dealer who ran the cockfights. I was a year and a half old.”

“I’m so sorry.” Ashlyn hugs her into her side.

“It’s ok, I truthfully don’t remember any of it and I don’t remember them. But my poor mãe took what she had and ran away to São Paulo where no one knew her. She had nobody by that point, but she wanted a place where she could grieve in quiet for my brother, where people wouldn’t gossip. She mended clothes and tailored outfits for locals right in our living room and that’s how we lived.” Luz explains. “I love her more than anything, she’s all I have, and my inspiration for everything. She’s the reason I even got into fashion…sewing my own clothes since I was little because of what she taught me. But I also left Brazil because of her.”

“How come?” Ashlyn asks quietly, trying to understand it all.

“You know me enough now to know I don’t care what people say or think about me. I have enough self-confidence, and that’s all I need. Learned that from her too.” Luz smiles slightly. “I could’ve gone to a college in Brazil, built a fashion label there, been fine dating anyone I wanted to sem dar a minima, not giving a damn fuck. But not without taking away everything she worked for. She likes her life simple and quiet, private so she doesn’t have to relive her tragedy. My lifestyle, my business, the extra attention on me now with the politics…to do any of that in Brazil would take away whatever peace she worked for. She did everything for me and I owe her that peace. I left so I could be myself, and so she could still be the simple seamstress back home who just smiles quiet and proud when people bring me up and then keeps going about her day.”

“That’s a lot to carry. For both of you.” Ashlyn whispers, burying her nose into Luz’s hair for a few moments before the woman pulls away to look at her.

“Que tal a vista?” Luz inquires with a tight smile.

“Huh? Killing me with the Portuguese.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“How’s the view?” Luz asks her.

“View?” Ashlyn says quizzically, still lost.

“Mhmm. You see me better and I see you better. How’s your view?” Luz repeats the question.

“Excellent as always…even better than before actually.” Ashlyn says honestly and kisses her hand.

“View is excellent from here too.” Luz smiles at her. “I’ve liked the view from the first day. I’m taken by the person you are and glad to learn how all the pieces assembled to create what’s in front of me. We both see better now and tudo tranquilo. Easy, right?”

“Sim. Easy.” Ashlyn tries out her own Portuguese and nods with a grin, feeling light and unburdened.

“So, this is the beach where that puta kissed you?” Luz questions casually, but her expression turns a bit fierce.

“Puta?” Ashlyn asks.

“Yeah, puta means bitch and bitch means Sloane.” Luz clarifies and looks at Ashlyn expectantly.

Ashlyn chuckles softly before confirming. “Yep, this is the puta beach. Somewhere over there near the lifeguard chair actually.” She motions to it.

“Vem cá, xuxu.” Luz stands up and pulls Ashlyn up by the hand with her.

“What are we doing?” Ashlyn inquires as Luz leads her over near the lifeguard chair.

“Exorcismo.” Luz winks.

“Exorcism?” Ashlyn repeats with raised eyebrows.

“Kidding, I don’t believe in that bullshit! But, I do believe in two things.” Luz gets close and puts one hand lightly on the back of Ashlyn’s neck, the other on her lower back.

“What’s that?” Ashlyn asks quietly.

“The daughter of a gambler believes in making her own luck, and also in making new memories.” She captures Ashlyn’s lips in a deep kiss. It’s their first real one and she holds nothing back.

Ashlyn leans further into the kiss, her hands gripping Luz’s waist a bit tighter as she gets lost in it. It escalates fast, just like every other exchange between them. She feeds off this woman’s energy in a way that makes her adrenaline pump uncontrolled. She’s gasoline and Luz is pure fire, each of them consuming the other in an endless blaze that neither of them seems to be able to slow even if it could all explode at any moment and leave them both in a pile of ashes. It’s so far from the peaceful security, warm tingle, and deep loving ache mixed with white hot electricity that she got so used to with Ali…far from that perfect balance that captured her heart and soul. No, this is all heat and intensity, like she’s walking the very edge of a cliff. She can’t quite wrap her head around it, but she craves it in a strange way. It only sizzles further when Luz’s hands slip under the back of her t-shirt and work their way across her scarred skin, the woman’s touch as intrepid as the rest of her.

It’s not long before they have to pull apart for air, standing there winded with their foreheads pressed together.

“Poof, puta gone.” Luz smiles cockily and leans in for another lingering kiss.

“Puta gone.” Ashlyn laughs and then sucks in a breath of air when Luz ‘s mouth trails up her neck.

“I want the rest of the view.” Luz whispers into her ear before pulling back to find her eyes so that her intentions are crystal clear.

“I want it too.” Ashlyn kisses her again.

Luz smiles and slips her hand into Ashlyn’s, tugging her to walk along the sand. “So, we’ll cancel my hotel room and I’ll stay in yours tonight?”

_Right to the point. _Ashlyn can only grin as usual at the way it’s posed like a question, but is really just a statement of exactly what the woman wants. Some people might find it presumptuous or bossy, but the directness draws her right in. _No second guessing_. “I like that plan.” She replies eagerly.

“You better.” Luz suddenly stops walking and turns to kiss her deeply again, hand finding its way under the front of Ashlyn’s t-shirt this time and scratching lightly along her stomach. “Walk fast, xuxu. And drive even faster.” She mutters against Ashlyn’s lips, lightly pulling the bottom one with her teeth before she lets go.

_Fuck, she is just… _“Let’s go.” Ashlyn’s eyes stay hooded for another couple seconds before popping open, her feet kicking up sand as she pulls Luz by the hand and breaks into a run towards the car.

“Caralho, olha essa corrida!” Luz giggles loudly behind her in amusement.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _June 13, 2019_ **

“Look at that, I actually got you sweating today!” Paige teases as Ali helps her roll up the yoga mats after class.

“Well that pilates combo you suddenly threw in for the last 20 minutes was a killer. Amazing, but a killer!” Ali snickers. “My abs are gonna be sore for a week.”

“Right, but it means you can eat dessert tonight with no guilt!” Paige rolls up the last mat and looks up at Ali. “Speaking of… since we could probably both use a shower ASAP, any chance you want to forgo our usual post-class coffee in favor of meeting me for dinner later tonight? I’ll spring for dessert to make up for the pilates.” She asks hopefully, an edge of nervousness to her voice.

“Hold up, did you purposely make the class harder to get me all sweaty so I’d have to go home to shower and so you could ask me to dinner instead of coffee?” Ali playfully raises an eyebrow.

“I actually might have.” Paige confesses shyly.

_Oh my gosh, she didn’t. Fucking adorable_. “Clever. You definitely didn’t have to kill me with pilates to ask me to dinner, but well played.” Ali smiles at her, feeling excited to finally be taking this step forward which seems bigger than it really is.

She’s been at it for almost a month now…coming to Paige’s yoga studio three or four times a week for the last class of the day, staying to help the woman tidy up afterwards, and often suggesting they grab coffee together before she heads home. They’ve gotten to know each other comfortably over little café conversations kept at a friendly level…interesting tidbits that bring them closer every time, but nothing too involved. Despite it being enjoyable, ever since it dawned on her a couple weeks ago that she was actually ready for something more, she’s been itching for things to progress with Paige ever since.

_***two weeks earlier****_

“Yeees! This is the kind of energy I need in my life right now!” Kyle exclaims loudly from the other side of the couch, his face buried in the newspaper. “As much as I love me some royal family, I am so over the whole Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle debacle. Bring on the NYC royalty! And they’re gay fam too… giving me fucking life right now!” He drops the paper in his lap and claps in delight.

“Oh my god, what are you yammering about?” Ali looks up from her computer with annoyance because he knows she’s working on client notes and he promised to be quiet.

“Sorry, sorry! But Als, for real… have you seen this?” He tosses the New York Post entertainment section in her direction. “Our own little queen of political dragons and none other than the Instagram phenom whose bone structure probably makes God jealous. Hot power couple alert, hunny! I didn’t even know Luz Rainha was a lesbo…like how did I not know that?! I mean the Instagram queen speaks for herself, but Luz Rainha? Nope, didn’t see it. Doesn’t matter, I am here for it!” He squeals.

“Oh my god, stoooop!” Ali rolls her eyes at him, grabbing the paper and looking over the tiny article. The headline reads**: _A New Candidate in the Race?_** The two pictures underneath make her heart jump just from the mere sight of Ashlyn. Both are a bit fuzzy and clearly taken without knowledge…one is of Ashlyn and Luz holding hands and smiling at each other while they walk down the street, the other captures the two locked in a full-on kiss on what looks like a beach somewhere.

She studies the pictures for a few more seconds before reading the little blurb below the headline:

**Although neither woman has commented nor confirmed, it looks like there’s a hot new romance brewing between the city’s own Wonder Woman congressional candidate, Luz Rainha, and world renown Instagram founder and tech CEO, Ashlyn Harris. The two were recently spotted in Florida locking lips and looking very cozy (pictured below). Let’s just say we have our eyes glued to these two power players!**

“Hmm yeah, total power couple. They look great together.” Ali remarks casually and tosses the paper back to Kyle in an attempt to not give anything away as she muses on the only reason she can think of for why Ashlyn might have taken Luz to Florida. _Guess it’s pretty serious if she took her back home…probably to give her the full history. Good for you, Ash._

“Why aren’t you more excited?!” Kyle questions loudly. “These are our people and they be making waves! Gay rights, baby!”

“Geez, don’t get your panties in a twist!” Ali throws her hands up. “I think it’s great that they’re together, but unlike you, I don’t live in the NYC gossip pages. When have I ever gotten excited about this kind of stuff?”

“Fiiine. You’re such a buzzkill!” Kyle scoffs at her and goes back to reading the paper.

Ali shakes her head and looks back down at her computer, pretending to work even though all she’s doing is processing her own reaction…or lack of one really. Instead of everything inside racing with panic and jealously like when she saw Ashlyn and Luz at the event a few weeks ago, all she can focus on at the moment is what she doesn’t feel. Sure her heart leapt at the sight of Ashlyn’s picture and it probably always will, but this time around there’s no feeling like she just got punched in the gut along with it. There’s something really settling about it…Ashlyn’s ok and she’s ok too…they’re both ok. And when her mind wanders to Paige shortly after that, she knows for sure that her tide is starting to turn in a healthier direction.

_******_

Ali has stayed the course these last couple weeks even knowing she’s ready for more. She has always been the one to make the first big move in her all prior dating relationships and, for once, she doesn’t want to be. She was admittedly starting to wonder if Paige was ever going to step up without her having to take the reins herself, but here they are and she feels giddy about it.

“So, does that mean we’re on for dinner then?” Paige double-checks.

“Sure does. And you better not have been messing around about that dessert, cause I fucking earned it!” Ali jokingly warns.

“Biggest and highest calorie dessert they have, I promise.” Paige assures her happily. “I’m thinking Maison Pickle on Broadway. They put a high-end spin on classic food and have the most amazing 24-layer chocolate cake. We could meet there at like 8pm?” She suggests.

“Perfect, I haven’t tried that place yet.” Ali agrees with a smile. “It’s a date.”

“So um…” Paige shifts her weight a bit from foot to foot before finding the bravery to ask. “Is this just like a date or more like a _date_?”

_So damn cute. And clueless. You made your move…my turn. _Ali doesn’t immediately reply, instead stepping right into Paige’s space and smirking at her just long enough to hear the woman’s breath hitch before leaning in for a solid kiss that lasts at least ten seconds. The earth certainly doesn’t move under her feet and there’s no surge of electricity through her body or even a wild heartbeat to speak of, but it’s warm and soothing. _It’s something. It’s not nothing. _That alone feels like a miracle given her track record.

“It’s a _date_.” Ali replies, still ghosting Paige’s lips. She goes back in for another quick kiss, smiling into it because she actually wanted another kiss. “See you at eight.” She whispers as she pulls away, grabbing her gym bag before turning to wave at the still hood-eyed and speechless blonde she left in her wake.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _July 25, 2019_ **

“God, why does the headline have to be so fucking cringe worthy…as if the article itself isn’t bad enough.” Ashlyn groans as she looks at it again, trying not to let the sinking feeling in her stomach grow any worse: **_Instagram Founder Unfiltered_**: **_Rainha’s Campaign Crowded by Skeletons in Lover’s Closet_**

“Fuck. I should’ve have gotten involved with her. This is gonna fuck up her campaign! Like what do I even say to her? How do I begin to apologize?” Ashlyn’s voice squeaks.

“Woah, Ash…that’s not…” Whitney tries to find the right words. “Forget Luz’s campaign, that doesn’t even matter right now. Let’s focus on you, ok? This is a lot to deal with and it’s not ok that someone did this to you. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“It fucking matters, Whit. Her campaign was going great and it’s about to really get underway the next couple months. And then boom, big fucking stain on there now because she’s dating me! She’s gonna freak out.” Ashlyn looks at her phone for the hundredth time in the last twenty minutes after sending Luz at least five texts and two voicemails, willing her girlfriend to get in touch before she collapses from anxiety.

“Easy butch, Whit’s right. Let’s just worry about how you’re doing, ok? Luz isn’t the one who just got her abuse trauma put on blast for the world to see.” Megan joins Whitney in trying to get Ashlyn to stop worrying about anyone else but herself. “Nothing about you is a stain, that’s fucking bullshit. Plus, it’s Luz Rainha! Remember just last week when the president tweeted that she should go back to the kitchen where she belongs? Your girl replied, and I quote ‘If we’re sending people where they belong, then the president should get back into the underpants he came from because his tiny balls must miss him.’ She called the president a dick, Ash… the PRESIDENT! I highly doubt she’s worried at all about how this impacts her campaign. And if she is, then she doesn’t deserve you.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Ashlyn shrugs noncommittally and is interrupted by her office phone ringing. “Hello, this is Ashlyn.”

“Hey, it’s Kam. I saw…are you ok? I mean of course you’re not ok, but are you ok?” Kameryn asks worriedly. “God, you probably shouldn’t even be answering your phone right now with all those fucking media assholes out there trying to get an angle.”

“Relax Kam, I’m fine.” Ashlyn puts the call on speaker. “Just in the thick of it right now because I only read it myself like half an hour ago. I put you on speaker cause Whit and Pinoe are here with me. I haven’t been able to get in touch with Luz yet. She was on her way to some meeting this morning and I don’t even know if she’s seen it yet. Fuck, this is so not good for her. Shit, it isn’t good for you either. Hopefully no one digs enough to know we’re working together so this doesn’t impact your business.” Ashlyn replies in a grumble as she realizes. “And how did you even know about this? Are you here in NYC?”

“No, I’m home in DC. But it’s the fucking New York Times! Not to make this worse, but the whole country reads the New York Times. Plus, it’s been picked up by other news websites too.” Kameryn doesn’t sugarcoat it. “And what the fuck, Ash?! I don’t give a damn about anything business related! I’m just worried about you. And fuck Luz too, who cares about her damn campaign?! Do you have any idea who would’ve spilled to the media about you?”

“No idea. It’s not even like any of this is some massive secret. I’ve been in the public eye for a long time, but nobody has cared to dig. Everyone back home knew about what happened to me and about my family…kinda surprised it never popped up before now. All the legal stuff about my Dad is public information, so anyone could look it up. I guess no one gave a shit to know much more other than the Instagram stuff up until now.” Ashlyn reasons. “Must’ve been someone I knew growing up that’s behind it.”

“Why do you think that?” Whitney questions.

“Because of the stuff in there about me being in the foster system and my Grandma getting me back and being my guardian. And the extent of my injuries too. A lot of that isn’t public info you can get. Had to be someone who knew my family. Plus, it’s all past stuff and nothing recent about me.” Ashlyn explains. “Don’t forget that Luz and I were in Florida a couple months ago and someone took pictures that circulated in the local papers there first before the New York Post picked it up and made the relationship public. I’m guessing someone down there learned more about me and Luz and now figured they could make some money.”

“Fucking assholes! And the New York Times is even worse for printing it!” Kameryn says angrily. “Shit, Kelley is calling me…probably just saw this and is flipping out too. I’m gonna go fill her in, but Ash, we’re here for you and just tell us what you need, ok? Literally anything, we’re here.”

“Thanks, Kam. Tell Kelley I’m fine and I’ll keep you posted.” Ashlyn ends the call and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Forgot how fast this shit spreads.”

“On the bright side, at least they only teased a tiny headline on the front page and didn’t put the story on there.” Megan tries to find the silver lining.

None of them get to respond before Luz comes rushing into Ashlyn’s office like a storm. She takes the most direct path to her girl, cutting through the space between Whitney and Megan like she was Moses parting the Red Sea.

“Got here as soon as I could. Sorry I didn’t call, I was on my phone cancelling my meeting and then with the editor and publisher of the Times. I already ripped their heads off through their assholes on my way here, but I promise you I’m not done yet.” Luz gets out in quick explanation as she hugs Ashlyn tight and then pulls back to get a good look at her. “You ok?”

“God Luz, I am so, so sorry. You should be running far, far away right from me right now. Your campaign…this mess… I…” Ashlyn stutters.

“Não, não! Are you kidding me?!” Luz practically yells at her. “Foda-se a campaign! Porra, you actually think I care about that?! Não, Ashlyn. Forget all of it, doesn’t matter.” Her voice gets softer. “I’m so sorry someone did this to you. This is your pain, not news for people’s entertainment because they think they have the right to pry into our private lives. It’s not ok. We can’t take it back, but I’m not resting until we get to the bottom of it. My only worry is you. The rest…o que for para ser, será. Não importa nada, ok?” She lightly strokes Ashlyn’s cheek and finds her eyes. “I love you.”

_Oh. Wow ok, there it is. _Ashlyn’s heart jumps, a smile forming on her lips even as her head spins. This wasn’t exactly the moment she envisioned for this milestone as things have grown more serious between them, but it’s here now and she doesn’t hesitate. “I love you too.” She leans in for a romantic kiss.

“Wait, was that the first…” Megan looks at Whitney, not even finishing the question as her eyes dart back to Ashlyn and Luz still kissing few feet away.

“Pretty sure it was.” Whitney says with wide eyes and a little smile. She doesn’t always appreciate Luz’s brash approach to everything, but she does love how protective and caring she is when it comes to Ashlyn. Truth be told, this is exact reaction she has been expecting from Luz today and she’s glad not to be disappointed. She signals to Megan with her hand that they should leave and give the two women some privacy, but Luz is already talking again.

“Come on, xuxu. I’m taking you home and taking care of you. We’ll start working through everything tomorrow with Becky. Fuck the rest of the world today, it’s just us.” Luz let’s her hand slip into Ashlyn’s and gives it an encouraging tug.

“Yeah, ok. Let’s do that.” Ashlyn smiles at her, feeling a little calmer now. She finally looks over to Whitney and Megan, just now remembering they’re still there and turning a bit red. “Oh uh…”

“We’ll hold down the fort.” Whitney says quickly.

“I know, but I should probably…” Ashlyn starts to protest, but is cut off by Megan.

“Nope. Go!” Megan points to the door.

“Ok, ok.” Ashlyn just nods with an eye roll and reaches for her coat that’s still tossed over the back of her desk chair, watching Luz go hug Whitney and smiling.

“Thank you.” Luz says gratefully to both women as she hugs them, glad Ashlyn has such reliable and good friends. She wishes she had even one person in her life other than her own mother like these two, but the truth is that she’s never been great at making friends.

“No, thank you.” Whitney gives her a solid squeeze. “Take good care of her.”

“I will.” Luz promises and then stands by the door while Ashlyn hugs her friends too.

“Is there anything about that woman that isn’t a total firestorm?” Megan says as soon as Luz and Ashlyn are gone.

“Nope, but it’s starting to grow on me. At least we’re on the right side of the fire.” Whitney laughs with a shrug.

“You aren’t fucking kidding. Whew!” Megan pretends to wipe her brow before heading back to her office.

\---

“Als, did you read the paper yet this morning?” Kyle asks as soon as Ali picks up the phone.

“The Times? No, why?” Ali puts down the mascara she was about to put on and looks at her watch. “It’s not even 9am, what’s wrong?”

“Well nothing’s really wrong and I know you’re not super interested in this stuff, so don’t kill me. But I’m like ready to cancel my New York Times subscription over what they just pulled and this is right up your alley, so humor me.” Kyle gets out in a ramble.

“Christ, what is happening? Tell me already!” Ali replies impatiently.

“Second article in the U.S. news section, page 4. Just read it.” Kyle tells her.

“Ok, hold on.” Ali sighs and heads to her front door to grab the newspaper from the doorstep, impatiently ripping off the protective bag it’s in so she can see what Kyle is talking about. Her heart drops as soon as sees the headline above the story. _Oh no._ _This can’t be good. _

She reads as quickly as she can, trying to get a feel for what it’s saying without reading every word as her heart races and makes her hands shake. It’s there, pretty much all of it… for anyone who wants to read it. It’s not a really long article, but it talks about the death of Ashlyn’s mother and how her father abused her…going so far as to give details about her injuries and the scars she has. There’s information about her getting taken away by the state and her grandmother having to win custody back. Even her brother’s legal troubles are there. It’s awful, all of it. _Fuck, fuck. No._

“I…this is horrible…I don’t even know what to say.” Ali finally says something into the phone just as she starts panicking that Kyle might have put together who Ashlyn is from the information he read. “Who would just reveal someone’s trauma like that? Can’t believe they published this trash.” She adds in an attempt to act generally outraged and not personally upset.

“I know! It’s ghastly. I knew you’d think it was terrible when you saw this. I love gossip and drama, but this is over the line and inhuman. That poor woman.” Kyle sighs deeply. “Ready to cancel your Times subscription like me?”

“Fuck yes. As if people’s lives aren’t hard enough, crap like this happens. I swear this kind of shit is why I have a job.” Ali piles on in disgust, feeling slightly relieved that Kyle doesn’t seem to have realized. “Imagine how much of an asshole you have to be to leak a story like this.”

“Sounds like the work of a jealous ex to me, hunny. Mark my words on that one. Probably gonna see one of Luz Rainha’s past flames coming out of the woodwork in no time…can only imagine the women she’s dated. Probably dug around for some dirt on Luz’s new squeeze and went in for the kill.” Kyle says with some flare.

_Oh my god. Of course. It has to be._ “Look, I have to get work soon and I’m running late now. Still on for dinner on Saturday with me and Paige?” Ali tries to get off the phone so she can read the article properly and sort out her thoughts now that her mind is racing again.

“Duh! Can’t wait to finally meet her, about fucking time!” Kyle says dramatically. “Have a good day, beebee!”

“You too, love you.” Ali quickly ends the call. “God, Ashlyn… how are you handling this?” She whispers, her stomach churning over what Kyle just said. _It has to be her._

She tries to keep a level-head so she can process everything the article says, but by the time she’s only halfway through her gut feeling is already stronger. _It’s Sloane_. If someone was just looking to make money exposing Ashlyn’s secrets, they would’ve done it a long time ago. Although it’s possible that this could be politically driven, it would’ve been more attacking of Luz than Ashlyn if it was. And it’s no coincidence that pictures were published of Ashlyn and Luz together on that Florida beach just last month...probably the same damn one that Sloane and Ashlyn have a history on. _Jealous ex._ Just like Kyle said. _No way that it’s not Sloane. Does Ashlyn realize? What if she doesn’t?_

The questions keep swirling in her brain, but she has no answer for them so she goes back to reading the second half of the article. The rest of it is no better, but it’s the last sentence that really catches her eye “Rebecca Sauerbrunn, manager and spokesperson for the Rainha campaign, was contacted for comment, but no response was received prior to publication.” _Becky Sauerbrunn from Harvard?_

Ali gets distracted by the new information, thinking about how she last ran into Becky almost two years ago at a bakery near 5th Ave. They had chatted for a while and caught up, and just as the woman had sworn she was going to do when she was at Harvard, she was working as a private investigator. Becky had lived in the dorm room next to her and Syd, and although they weren’t all that close, the three of them hung out often enough. Becky was sweet but always kind of intense, and who could blame her. Her father was in the CIA and her mother was a police officer, the two of them forcing her to go to a good college so she could expand her horizons when all she wanted was to follow in their footsteps.

_How did Becky end up as a campaign manager for Luz Rainha? It could just be someone with the same name, but what are the odds of that? _Ali tries to make sense of it, but just relents and texts Syd.

_Ali: So, I just saw the name Rebecca Sauerbrunn listed as a campaign manager for our local congressional candidate. What are the odds of that being Becky from Harvard?_

_Syd: Private detective or whatever, Becky? Major weird. Not a common name though & she was working in NYC not that long ago, right? Gotta be her. Plus didn’t she major in political science?_

_Ali: Oh yeah! She totally did! I think it’s probably her too. Odd, but I’m sure her parents are thrilled._

_Syd: For real, her daddy must have thrown a party. Anyway, why does it matter?_

_Ali: Just saw it and thought it was bizarre, that’s all. I better get my ass to my office. Love you, muah!_

_Syd: Love you too, Ali-gator! Say hi to Paige for me!_

_Ali: Will do._

“Shit.” Ali sees that it’s already nearing 10am and she has a client appointment at 11am. She reluctantly shoves the newspaper into her work bag, finishes getting ready, and rushes off to her office. She knows she needs to push everything to the back of her mind so she can focus on her client, but all she can think about on her way into the office is Ashlyn.

She can’t keep her stomach from churning over the idea that maybe Ashlyn doesn’t realize it’s Sloane. Why would she? She just made peace with the whole situation and pushed Sloane completely out of her life…and the way she always sees the good in people…she probably didn’t make the connection or even believes Sloane is capable. She feels almost guilty that maybe she overlooked Sloane’s level of sociopath when she and Ashlyn were working together in therapy. She was so focused on being supportive of Ashlyn’s progress that she didn’t think much about Sloane’s motives.

It’s taking everything in her not to send Ashlyn a text or even call her to give her a heads up, but she knows that it would be crossing some kind of line. On top of that, she can’t even call Nancy as a go-to because the woman is on vacation for three weeks. The last thing she wants to do is insert herself into Ashlyn’s life now that she has obviously moved on. Still, she feels so protective of Ashlyn and like she’s failing her by not alerting her to the likelihood of Sloane’s involvement. _It’s not your place, Ali. You need to let it go._

But she doesn’t let it go. By lunchtime, she’s convinced herself to do what she has always done with Ashlyn…walk a very thin line. _We danced to our song and we said that we’d always do right by each other. _She reasons with herself one last time before dialing the number and playing the only hand she has where she can do right by Ashlyn but also stay out of her life.

“Hi Becky, it’s Ali Krieger.” Ali says cheerily when she hears the familiar voice say hello, relieved that the cell number she has for her is still the right one.

“Oh hey, Ali. Been a while.” Becky replies in a curious tone. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah, yeah fine.” Ali assures her. “I know we haven’t really kept in touch since we ran into each other a couple years ago, but I was hoping we could talk.”

“That sounds great. I really would love to catch up again with you, but I have to be honest and say it might be a while before we do. I temporarily shifted my career into some political work and going into an election year, things are actually pretty crazy for me these days.” Becky tells her frankly. “I actually need to get off the phone in a minute because I’m in the middle of a frenzy right now.”

_Straight-forward as usual, same Becky._ “No, I know. I saw your name in the Times story this morning and that’s what I’m calling about. I’m guessing you’re elbow deep in trying to figure out who leaked all that stuff to the media and I have something I need to tell you about it.” Ali divulges.

“Alright, I’m listening. Go ahead.” Becky says with intrigue, closing her office door and listening closely.

“Well, it’s not really that simple. Look Becky, we go way back and I know I can trust you to be discrete.” Ali prefaces. “Whatever I tell you, I need you to not ask me any questions about how I know and just use it to figure out whatever you can, ok? You need to keep it to yourself that I helped you because I’m getting involved here when I probably shouldn’t.”

“You can absolutely trust me, Ali. You know I’ve been doing private work my whole career and it all operates on being discrete. If something comes out of what you tell me that I need to reveal, I’ll make it appear that it came from whatever I investigated myself. Your name will stay out of and I won’t ask you any personal questions about it.” Becky promises her.

“Thanks Becky…I mean it.” Ali takes a deep breath. “So, there’s a woman named Sloane Jentz who I’m pretty sure is involved. She’s one of Ashlyn Harris’ exes and definitely not a stand-up person if you know what I mean. I might be wrong, but you should probably start there.”

“Although my curiosity is killing me, I’m not gonna ask how you know that. This is a great lead, especially when I really don’t have much to go on right now. At least now I can start somewhere more specific than some random ass town in Florida.” Becky says excitedly. “Only question I have is whether you have any idea where this woman lives?”

“Not really. Last time I heard anything about her, I think she was between North Carolina and Florida. That was a while ago though and I have no idea if it’s accurate. She went to high school with Ashlyn.” Ali answers the best she can. “That’s all I’ve got.”

“Better than nothing. I can work with this though. Thanks so much, Ali. You have my word that I’ll keep you out of it.” Becky tells her. “Do you want me to give you any kind of update when I find anything out?”

“No, that’s ok. I just didn’t want to sit on what I knew.” Ali chooses not to stay involved even if she’d love to know if she was right. “I hope it helps you figure out who spilled…won’t even tell you what I think that person deserves.”

“You aren’t kidding. What a dirt bag.” Becky agrees. “Hey, we should still eventually plan to catch up when life is less busy.”

“I’d like that. And can I ask how you ended up working as Luz Rainha’s campaign manager? Talk about out of left field.” Ali’s curiosity gets the best of her.

“Freak thing really. A couple years ago she hired me to investigate an employee who was skimming from her fashion business and deceiving her buyers with fraudulent products. Anyway, I took care of it, got the person prosecuted, and she was happy with my work. She called me out of the blue not too long ago and asked me if I could run a campaign because she needs someone trustworthy. She pays well and I figured why not do something with that damn Harvard degree, right? And here I am.” Becky explains.

“Geez, that’s quite a story. Good for you!” Ali replies. “Can’t even imagine what it must be like to work with her, she’s fierce.”

“She is, but only in the good ways. I like that. Definitely doesn’t get boring.” Becky tells her. “Speaking of, I should go. Thanks for this, Ali. Whatever your reason for telling me is, I promise you I’m gonna make things right.”

“I know you will. Thanks again, Becky. We’ll talk at some point I’m sure…good luck with everything!” Ali replies and hangs up, leaning back in her desk chair and feeling like she just ran a marathon. The fact that Becky didn’t already have Sloane on her radar makes her feel better. _I’ll always do right by you, Ash._

_\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

** _July 26, 2019_ **

“No more waiting, Becky. We’re both here like you said, what’s going on?” Luz asks pointedly and holds Ashlyn’s hand as they settle on the small couch in her campaign office. When Becky had asked to meet with both her and Ashlyn this morning, she knew the woman must be onto something already.

“Well, it’s not a lot for now. Just depends on if it means anything to Ashlyn.” Becky gets right to it. “So any big media outlet like the New York Times doesn’t send NY metro journalists traveling unless it’s on special assignments. They usually have freelancers and correspondents all over the world and in every state.”

“Ok, how does that help us?” Luz questions proactively while Ashlyn just listens.

“Well I looked into it, and Graham Hayes who wrote the article is located in Greensboro, North Carolina. That means whoever his source was must not be too far from there. I know we were centering on Florida, but Carolina is close enough. Do you know anyone who might be in the Carolinas that fits the bill for knowing this stuff about you?” She asks Ashlyn directly even though she already knows the answer. She found social media profiles and an address in Durham for Sloane Jentz, well actually Sloane Mason now, less than an hour after she got off the phone with Ali. Not only that, but she was able to trace a $50,000 payment from the New York Times to a private Durham bank account. Ali’s lead was dead-on and it’s a no-brainer, but she needs to keep her promise to the woman to be discrete and hopes that Ashlyn will go towards where she’s leading her.

“FUCK!” Ashlyn immediately stands up, startling both Luz and Becky. “Mother fucker, how could I be so stupid?! Of course, of fucking course! She knew all that shit and more. I’m over here wondering how someone knew that much without me realizing and I should’ve known the whole fucking time!”

“Okay, taking that as a yes.” Becky says sarcastically.

“Ei, what is going on with you?” Luz stands up and holds Ashlyn’s shoulders. “Who are you talking about?”

“Sloane, my ex we talked about. The one with the husband. She was in North Carolina as of last year. Probably found out we’re together and she’s fucking with me. The fuck is wrong with her?! I just…why would she…I…” Ashlyn gets out in an angry ramble that ends up in a stutter.

“Puta! I’ll kill her myself!” Luz blows up too.

“Alright, alright, we’re getting out of control.” Ashlyn tries to calm herself and think clearly now that Luz is so fired up. “Let’s just chill out and think for a minute.”

“Second that. Turns out congressional candidates don’t have immunity from murder charges, so we need a better plan.” Becky tries to lighten the atmosphere before Luz really explodes, watching her boss pace around like she’s going to spontaneously combust. “What’s her full name?” She turns her attention to Ashlyn.

“Sloane Frances Jentz.” Ashlyn answers. “Actually, her married name was Mason I think. So, Sloane Frances Mason I guess. But I’m pretty sure she was getting divorced, so maybe it’s back to Jentz.”

“Well let me just see what I can find on her and we’ll take it from there.” Becky suggests.

“No, I’m sure it was her. I should’ve known from the minute I read the stupid article. Just get me an address for her if you can and I’ll go there and handle it like I should have a long time ago.” Ashlyn cuts things off quickly.

“Great, you hold her down and I’ll rip her eyes out.” Luz says venomously as she continues to pace.

“And that’s exactly why you’re not coming with me.” Ashlyn can’t help but chuckle now even though she’s still seething inside. “Hey, relax.” She goes over to Luz and puts her hands on the woman’s waist so she’ll stay still. “I love that you’re so angry on my behalf right now. It means a lot…and it’s actually kinda sexy.” She smirks at her and earns a little smile. “But this is my mess, ok? I need to clean it up myself. Just let me handle it. Please?”

Luz stays quiet and takes a couple deep breaths. “You know you’re the only one that can stop me from torching that woman, right?” She smiles wickedly.

“Her and anyone else who wrongs you. Trust me, meu fogo, I know.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Oh, that was cute. When did you learn that?” Luz asks, charmed that Ashlyn just called her ‘my fire’.

“I looked it up after our second date.” Ashlyn admits.

“Ok so this office isn’t that big and I’m already in the corner…getting awkward.” Becky pipes up from where she’s actually standing in the corner furthest from the two women in an attempt to give them space.

“Sorry, Becky.” Ashlyn says apologetically.

“Not sorry, Becky.” Luz laughs and gets a nudge from Ashlyn. “What, she knows the drill. I have no filter, that’s my thing.”

“She’s right, I knew what I got myself into.” Becky plays back.

“Alright so, I’ll handle this myself once Becky locates her. Settled?” Ashlyn looks at Luz.

“One condition.” Luz puts up a finger and sees Ashlyn look at her expectantly. “You take Becky with you. I’m not letting you deal with that puta maluca by yourself…she’s a psycho.”

“I’m with her on that one.” Becky sides with Luz.

“Ok fine, Becky can come with me.” Ashlyn concedes.

“And Becky carries her licensed firearm the whole time.” Luz adds one more stipulation.

“You’re licensed to carry a gun?” Ashlyn looks at Becky with wide eyes.

“In all 50 states, plus Canada.” Becky states proudly.

“What the fuck kind of campaign manager are you?” Ashlyn asks incredulously.

“The kind whose dad is CIA and whose mom is DC police, and who used to be a private investigator before this gig.” Becky tells her earnestly.

“Holy shit. I don’t even want to know.” Ashlyn looks between Luz and Becky. “It’s the fucking South anyway, so why not. Everyone bring a gun to the party!” She says sardonically, admittedly realizing that having Becky there as both a witness and security is a good idea. “Happy now?” She looks at Luz.

“Beleza!” Luz pinches her cheek before looking at Becky. “Is that it for this meeting?”

“That’s it. I’m sure I’ll have an address in less than 24 hours, so just book a flight for anytime next week and I’ll make it work.” Becky tells Ashlyn, knowing damn well she already has the address.

“Ok, I’ll let you know.” Ashlyn nods. “I need to head over to my office and get some work done, I was already gone all day yesterday.”

“Pssh, work? Not fooling me. You’re gonna spend half the day in your office venting about this with Whit, Pinoe, and Crystal while you drink whiskey.” Luz shoots her a knowing look.

“That too.” Ashlyn smiles. “Can you blame me?”

“Nope. They’ll probably hunt the puta down before I do.” Luz laughs.

“Most likely.” Ashlyn laughs. “I’ll come over for dinner?”

“You better.” Luz leans in for a quick kiss. “Love you, xuxu.”

“You too.” Ashlyn gives her another little peck before turning to Becky who has retreated to the corner again. “Thanks, Becky. Really.” She tells the woman sincerely before walking out.

“Thank Ali Krieger.” Becky whispers inaudibly under her breath, giving Ashlyn a little wave through the glass door of the office.

“Did you say something?” Luz asks from behind the desk.

“Nope.” Becky smiles. “I’m gonna head over to my office and find info on the ‘puta maluca’. And then I’ll reschedule the meetings you cancelled yesterday. Need anything else?”

“No, I’m good for now. About to get on the phone with the Times editor and publisher anyway.” Luz replies.

“Again?” Becky asks with a furrowed brow.

“Yep, and every single day until they either learn to block my calls or sue me for harassment. I don’t forgive easily.” Luz says nonchalantly.

“I’ll remember that.” Becky raises her eyebrows and heads out of the office. “Good luck.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _July 29, 2019_ **

“So she’s still Sloane Mason and still married, living in Durham.” Becky starts to fill Ashlyn in on the flight about everything she learned over the weekend. She practically had to handcuff Luz to her office chair to keep the woman from coming with them once she filled her in this morning.

“Hmph, I thought her husband left her?” Ashlyn says in confusion.

“Oh he did, but only very recently. I’ll get to that in a minute.” Becky replies. “Major thing is that she got nailed in a scam last year where she used crowdfunding to essentially gallivant off to some exotic vacation with her husband to make up for cheating on him.”

“Wait, what?” Ashlyn mouth drops open.

“Apparently she cheated on her husband, got pregnant in the midst of that, and then wooed him back by having an abortion and taking him on some lavish trip. She got the money by setting up a bullshit crowdfunding website. She made people believe she lost her job, was getting a divorce, and had to care for her mother all while being pregnant. All lies. Her mother has actually been taking care of her daughter for over 2 years now because things at home between Sloane and this Brad guy she’s married to are turbulent at best. She never quit her job and obviously she didn’t have the baby with the whole abortion thing. Anyway, she made like $100k off people and lived like a queen for a couple months before one of her friends called her out and exposed the whole thing.” Becky explains.

“Shit..I…” Ashlyn whispers in shock. “I’m need a fucking drink for this.” She pushes the button for the flight attendant who comes over in no time.

Becky stays quiet while the flight attendant gets Ashlyn a sizeable plastic cup of Scotch. “You ok?” She asks after the woman takes a couple large gulps and rests her head back against the seat.

“I knew about the GoFundMe page…didn’t know it was a scam though. About $80,000 of that was mine.” Ashlyn sighs.

“Oh damn.” Becky’s eyes go wide. “There’s a plot twist I didn’t see coming.”

Ashlyn just nods and takes another sip of her drink “Keep going.”

“So once the whole scam thing fell apart, her husband got dishonorably discharged from his military position over it and then he really did leave her earlier this year sometime. The divorce is still in process, but the separation paperwork puts him living in Arizona where he’s originally from. Apparently, she stopped going to work and lost her veteran’s nurse job…pretty much doing nothing and dating recklessly right now while her mom still takes care of her daughter. It explains her selling you out to the Times.” Becky finishes.

“Can I just…how the hell did you find all this out?” Ashlyn asks in disbelief. “I know you’ve done years of investigative work or whatever, but this is… how?”

“Wasn’t actually that hard, believe it or not. All I had to do was track down an address to be able to get any available legal documents. As for the rest, you’d be amazed what your social media friends will tell a stranger about you. All I had to do was message them to say that I was doing an investigation regarding Sloane and leave my contact info. Four of them called me back within 24 hours. I think people are still pretty pissed off about the scam thing.” Becky smirks.

“Jesus Christ. You’re good…but Jesus Christ.” Ashlyn leans her head back again and tries to process everything. Just when she thought she was done with Sloane for good, here she is again feeling stupid, angry, and burdened by the whole thing. She thinks back to the way she worked through things with Ali, remembering how good it felt to forgive and move forward. She wants that feeling back and she knows exactly how to get it, permanently.

Ashlyn sits quietly and thinks it through a few times. Luz assured her that she would be supportive of however she chose to handle this situation and not to worry at all about the campaign. Still, she hopes Becky will dissuade her if something seems like a bad idea.

“So, I think I know how I want to approach this. But I need you to be honest with me if you think it’s going to tank the campaign in any way.” Ashlyn sees Becky snap to attention.

“Of course.” Becky nods. “Not gonna lie though, there’s not much you’re gonna do that will tank this campaign any more than Luz’s hot-head will.”

“True.” Ashlyn chuckles. “People seem to gravitate to that side of her. They love it, and so do I honestly. Probably because she never sugarcoats anything.”

“Right, so I don’t think you have much to worry about. What do you have in mind?” Becky inquires.

“Well now that the whole world knows at least half the shit I generally keep private. Why not give them the rest? That way there’s no more scandal left to expose.” Ashlyn reveals her game plan.

“Well that’s a whole lot on you, but if you’re willing… it’s usually not a bad thing to go that route.” Becky considers it.

“Alright, so we’ll call that Graham Hayes guy who wrote the Times article and see if he’s available to be there when we drop in on Sloane tomorrow. She wanted to be in my life, she’ll get her wish. We give Graham the rest of the story with Sloane right there to confirm.” Ashlyn lays it out.

“You do not fuck around.” Becky says in approval. “Anything else?”

“Yeah. Do you have an address for Sloane’s mom or can you get one?” Ashlyn inquires.

“Already have one. She’s in Durham too, a few miles from Sloane.” Becky answers.

“Good. We’re gonna go there first this evening.” Ashlyn replies.

“How come?” Becky questions.

“Because Sloane needs major fucking help. And her kid’s life shouldn’t be structured around whether or not she chooses to get the help she needs to pull herself together. I’ve been that kid. So, I’m gonna make sure her mother has what she needs to raise that little girl and enough to get Sloane the help she needs too. And then I’m done and out for good. I can’t keep bringing this crap back into my life. Whatever happens after this is out of my hands.” Ashlyn says resolutely.

“Woah.” Becky sighs. “You’re a way better person than me… well, me and like 90% of people on the planet.”

“And yet I never seem to catch a fucking break.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“You will. With karma like that, you’re bound to.” Becky smiles at her and leaves it at that.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _July 30, 2019_ **

“Ashlyn?” Sloane blinks her eyes like she can’t possibly be seeing the person who’s standing on her porch. There’s another woman with her, but she can’t take her eyes of Ashlyn.

“Surprise. Miss me?” Ashlyn says evenly, her eyes locked onto the familiar piercing blue ones. _Funny how shit changes._ The last time she looked into these eyes, she had wanted to give her whole life to them…now they make her want to run in the other direction. Her body is slightly curvier and she looks tired with bags under her eyes and disheveled hair, but other than that she looks like the same Sloane. _Still attractive…a mess, but attractive._

“Hi. You uh…look good…I…” Sloane stutters to say something.

“Nope.” Ashlyn puts her hand up to cut her off. “You already got to run your mouth plenty, it’s my turn to talk. This is Becky, she’s Luz Rainha’s campaign manager. So, we can do this right here on your porch or somewhere more private, your call.”

“Yeah uh…ok…” Sloane looks around for a second before motioning for the two women to come in, leading them into a little living room and pointing to the couch.

Ashlyn looks around as she sits down next to Becky, doing her best not to visibly cringe at the state of the place. The blinds are drawn, so the place is pretty dark and dank. Clothes and mail are strewn all over, there are dirty plates on the coffee table, and it smells like stale cigarette smoke. _The Sloane I knew would never live like this. She’s not that person…not at all who you thought she was. Not even close. _She shakes off her thoughts and gets down to why she’s here.

“Last time I was in touch, I wrote to you that I would always root for you, right?” Ashlyn asks and gets a nod from Sloane before the woman looks down at her own feet. “And you took that and you chose to come right at me with a challenge. So, now we have a game to play. And you know what, Sloane? I’m playing to win this time, doesn’t matter if root for you.”

“Are you suing me?” Sloane asks quietly, looking panicked.

“Suing you? No, I’m not suing you.” Ashlyn replies matter-of-factly. “Remember your good friend Graham Hayes? He’ll be joining us here in a few minutes. You wanted to insert yourself and be a part of my life, now’s your chance to tell the world just how big a part of it you are.” She pauses for a second to collect herself. “I don’t even know who you are anymore. And I sure as hell don’t trust you. So, I’m gonna tell Graham the rest of the story and everything that got us to this point right here. That way, I do it on my own terms so there’s nothing left to tell and no more money left to made off of me. And you’ll be right here with me, so you wanna add anything…you go right ahead. I have nothing to hide.” She adds challengingly.

“I deserve that.” Sloane eventually says as she wrings her hands nervously.

“Yeah, you do.” Ashlyn says adamantly. “You know what else you deserve? To get your fucking life together.” Her voice softens. “You need to get yourself some major help. Even if you don’t do it for you…do it for your daughter. Don’t you remember what I was like when you met me and what my life was like? Can’t you see that your kid is going to have that kind of life if you don’t fix it?” She pauses but gets no response as Sloane continues to look down at the floor. She looks over at Becky who just nods encouragingly. “I went over to talk to your mother last night.”

Sloane picks her head up and looks at Ashlyn in confusion.

“I didn’t lie when I said I’d always root for you. And it sure as fuck isn’t fair that your daughter will suffer for your poor decisions. I made sure your mom has what she needs financially to take care of her from now through college.” Ashlyn informs her.

“Uh…I don’t know how to thank you.” Sloane tears up a bit.

“I don’t want a fucking thank you.” Ashlyn sighs uncomfortably. “I want you to get some damn help for yourself. Your mom has enough for that too, but only if you’re gonna actually get help and do it right. If not, you get nothing. Nobody is going to force you to do it. I sure as hell won’t. It’s up to you. I’ll root for in you in the sense that I hope you do get help, but you do whatever the fuck you want with your life after I leave today. All I care about is that you stay the fuck out of mine. You come into my life again and I’ll pursue every legal option I have and then some. Got it?”

“Got it, I’ll stay away from you.” Sloane nods. “And I…I’m sorry. It’s no excuse, but I’ve always wanted to be good enough for you and I know I never have been.”

_Oh no you fucking don’t. _“Bullshit.” Ashlyn retorts angrily. “You were always good enough. The only truth in what you just said was that you were never ‘for me’. You were never on my fucking side. It was always about you.” She gets it out just as the doorbell rings. “Must be Graham. Perfect timing.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _August 4, 2019_ **

“I told you! I knew it had to be an ex and I was right!” Kyle singsongs proudly over the phone.

“You said it was gonna be Luz’s ex. So actually, you were wrong.” Ali rolls her eyes even though he can’t see her.

“Whatever, I was close! Can you believe this? It’s not even just drama…it’s _DRAMA_!” He says flamboyantly. “Whew, Instagram hunny has massive balls. What damn queen. And we thought Luz Rainha was the dragon!”

“Yeah this is…well, pretty insane really.” Ali agrees with him, admittedly not expecting herself what she just read in the Sunday New York Times this morning. She’s definitely a bit mind blown at the way Ashlyn just publicly opened up life like that, but she couldn’t feel prouder of the woman. It was brilliant, completely brilliant. Still, she can only imagine the strength it took and can’t help but wonder if Ashlyn is ok. Simultaneously happy for the woman while also able to understand how much it must have hurt for her to go through this.

“Like I said, miles better than the royal family. My gay heart is so fulfilled right now.” Kyle says happily.

“Ok weirdo, I need to go shower. Thanks for interrupting my morning yet again with the gossip pages.” Ali replies casually.

“Oof, somebody is grumpy she’s not getting any.” Kyle teases.

“Wrong again.” Ali giggles softly.

“Oh. Em. Gee! You didn’t tell me about this little Paige development!” He exclaims. “When did that happen?!”

“Last week.” Ali answers simply.

“The fuck, Alex?! Why didn’t you tell me?!” He gets louder.

“Oh hmmm I dunno, cause maybe it’s none of your business and you only call me these days to discuss the royal gay newspaper drama.” She sasses back.

“Harsh. WELL, how was it?!” He probes.

“I’ll just say that dating a yoga master has its perks… limber as fuck and stamina is off the charts.” Ali opts for insinuation over details.

“Ohhh giiiirl, you lucky bish! So wait, better than Ruby?” He asks hopefully.

“No, pretty sure that’s a category nobody can touch.” Ali replies in earnest. “Buuuut, it was definitely worth the wait.”

“Well, it’s a damn good start.” Kyle says supportively, glad something is finally going in the right direction for his sister relationship wise.

“It is.” Ali agrees and finally gets him off the phone so she can start her morning, sitting down with a cup of coffee and looking over the news article again.

The story is pretty substantial and focused on Ashlyn even though the journalist makes it clear that he’s interviewing both Sloane and Ashlyn together. It repeats some of the information from the first article, only this time with Ashlyn giving a little more detail about her family, particularly her mother’s death and how that impacted her father. And then it launches right into her relationship history with Sloane. Nothing is overly detailed and it’s done in a tactful way that doesn’t paint Sloane in a terrible light even though it probably should. 

When she first read it, she had nervously wondered half-way through reading if she would somehow feature in it. But Ashlyn had been honest only to the extent that she needed to be, recounting very generally that she had to go through an extensive therapy process just to be able to have a healthy relationship like the one she now has with Luz. Still, when Kyle called, she once again worried that he might have finally put something together with all the new details. Of course, he hadn’t…making her realize as she reads it again that the information in the article just feels more revealing to her because she knows the rest of the details behind it.

Her thoughts are interrupted by her phone ringing again, the caller ID making her sit up and answer quickly.

“Hey Becky, everything ok?” Ali asks without much of a greeting.

“Hi Ali. Yeah, everything is fine. Just wanted to ask if you read the article this morning?” Becky inquires.

“I just did. It was…I actually don’t have the words yet.” Ali admits.

“Tell me about it. I actually traveled with Ashlyn and was there during the interview. What’s written in the article isn’t even the half of it.” Becky says and then proceeds to tell Ali all about what happened behind the scenes, everything from what she found out about Sloane to how Ashlyn left Sloane’s mother with a $400,000 trust for the woman’s daughter.

Ali listens quietly, awestruck by the time Becky is done, but also not surprised in the slightest at Ashlyn’s more than compassionate actions. _Truly the best person I know._

“That’s incredible. I guess I can’t say I’m all that surprised to be honest, but still incredible. Thanks for calling to fill me in, you didn’t have to do that.” Ali says appreciatively even though she told Becky she didn’t need to know.

“Sure. That’s not actually why I called though.” Becky tells her.

“What’s up?” Ali asks, her brow furrowed.

“So, in traveling to North Carolina with Ashlyn, she and I had some time to talk. When she found out I went to Harvard, she actually asked me if I knew you.” Becky divulges.

“Oh.” Ali feels her heartrate pick up and her stomach flutter anxiously.

“Don’t worry. I didn’t lie to her and I told her that I knew you and how you used to live next door to me. And that we’ve run into each other in the city off and on, but I didn’t say a word about us talking recently or you telling me about Sloane.” Becky assures her.

“Oh ok, thanks Becky.” Ali relaxes a bit. “Did she say anything about us knowing each other?”

“Her first reaction was ‘woah, small word’ and she said you were one of the most amazing people she’d ever met.” Becky replies and keeps going. “You know, when you first came to me about Sloane. I wasn’t sure whether it was Sloane that you knew or Ashlyn. And then I found out all that awful stuff about Sloane and I figured you had to know Ashlyn because I didn’t think you’d ever associate with someone like Sloane. I still didn’t understand your motives though with you wanting to keep things under wraps. But she told me about you.”

“She did?” Ali’s eyes go wide.

“She did…probably stemming from the whole not wanting to hide things place that she’s in right now. I mean, she spared me the unnecessary details, but told me all about how you worked with her as a sex surrogate and how close you two got.” Becky explains. “Anyway, it made me understand why you wanted me to be discrete. And it dawned on me how much of a risk you took and how much you must have debated whether or not to say anything…also how much faith you put in me. So, I just wanted to thank you for trusting me and tell you that I think you did the right thing.”

“I’m just glad you were involved and I could go to you for help. You really think it was the right thing?” Ali asks softly.

“Well for starters, Sloane wasn’t even on her radar until I led her in that direction. So without you, who knows where this would go.” Becky says frankly. “But I was also there the whole time. And when it was over, you could actually see the difference in her, Ali. She looked a million times lighter. So yeah, it was the absolutely right thing. She really needed that.”

“Thanks, Becky. It makes me really happy to hear that.” Ali says contently, her smile so wide it hurts.

“You bet.” Becky pauses and debates whether to say what’s on her mind. “You know what else?”

“What?” Ali replies.

“I think one day, she’s going to really look at herself and realize she doesn’t smile around Luz the way she does when she’s talking about you.” Becky puts it out there.

_I know that smile. I love that smile. _Ali tries not to let her mind wander too far down the path Becky just pointed her towards. “I appreciate you telling me that, but it’s ok if she doesn’t.”

“Is it?” Becky challenges.

“I didn’t think so for quite a while…but I’m learning that if she’s happy, so is my heart.” Ali says genuinely.

“I get the sense that it goes both ways.” Becky leaves it there. “I should go, but let’s stay in touch and get that coffee when life settles a bit.”

“Count on it.” Ali replies, saying goodbye and then quickly getting herself ready without showering. After that conversation she just wants to find a spot by the water where she can see the Brooklyn Bridge and milk this feeling of peace for all it’s worth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First up, what did you all think of Becky?  
Now raise your hand if you want to pitchfork Sloane.  
Thoughts on how Ashlyn handled it?  
Thoughts on whether Ali should have meddled like she did?  
Anything else?


	43. Cherry Coke & Reese's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well if you all thought the ride last chapter was a little wild, you haven't see anything yet! Hold on tight, never know who is still gonna be on the roller coaster by the end of this one ;-)
> 
> As always, can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter. So, hit me with all your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> ***special thanks once again to the Brazilian language master, ashlnhrrs, for assistance***
> 
> Hope you're all still staying safe and well and managing to do okay with the uncertainty in all our lives right now. Reach out any time on my twitter (InkedWrite11) or via email (inkedwrite@yahoo.com).

**Cherry Coke & Reese’s**

** _August 10, 2019_ **

“Hmph, no.” Ali groans as the Facetime ringtone sounds through the room, burying her face into the crook of Paige’s neck.

“Mhmmm, make it stop.” Paige mumbles and rolls over.

Ali reaches around blindly on the nightstand, her hand finally grabbing her phone. “It’s Syd.” She says in confusion once she realizes it’s not even 8am on a Saturday, quickly answering it. “Hi, what’s wrong?”

“Good morning to you too.” Syd says sarcastically. “Everything is great! Wait, are you topless?” She raises an eyebrow at Ali’s bare shoulders.

“Yep.” Ali freely admits and moves the phone so Paige is in view.

“Oh my, well hello ladies! Your post-sex bedhead is fabulous.” Syd sasses them. “I didn’t know we were doing sleepovers, but I’m digging it. And better for me, two birds with one stone or something like that.”

“What is happening?” Paige asks groggily, smiling when she feels Ali press into her back and kiss the top of her shoulder.

“No idea. She’s calling at some ungodly hour on a Saturday morning, which means it’s an even more ungodly hour in Chicago…and harassing us without telling us why the fuck she’s calling at said ungodly hour.” Ali replies and kisses the back of Paige’s neck a few times.

“You two do know that I can hear you _and_ see you, right? Like get a room.” Syd gives it back to them.

“We did get a room. You’re in our room. Why are you in our room?” Paige grumbles.

“Paige the Sage, who knew you were such a grump in the morning? I thought yoga people were all peppy early birds. Guess not.” Syd keeps up her teasing.

“Alright, alright. How about you just tell us why you’re calling so early on a Saturday when we’re trying to have a blissful sleep-in.” Ali holds the sheets over her chest and sits up a bit.

“Well I would, but I can’t exactly do this right if you two are indecent. Would it kill you to put some shirts on?” Syd sasses again.

“You’re the one who picked Facetime.” Paige shrugs and sits up a bit next to Ali.

“Let me try again…put the phone face down for a minute and find your shirts.” Syd requests again.

“You are killing our morning after vibe.” Ali shoots Syd a playful look and puts the phone down. She leans over and grabs her shirt off the floor and puts it on before reaching for Paige’s shirt and tossing it to her. “Happy?” She picks up the phone and gets the two of them back into view.

“Perfect.” Syd smiles. “Ya’ll are cute.”

“Syyyd! Please tell us what couldn’t wait until at least mid-morning.” Ali whines at her, just wanting to know what is going on so she can go back to sleep.

“Ok, geez!” Syd rolls her eyes. “Sorry to intrude on your morning, but to be fair, I tried calling you like ten times last night. At least now I know why you didn’t answer.” She shoots them a look.

“That was my bad. At least I just turned it off and didn’t throw her phone in the trash like I wanted to.” Paige shrugs.

“Yeah I still don’t know how you reached it on the nightstand from down there, but then again my eyes were mostly closed.” Ali muses out loud with a smirk.

“Staaaaahp! Like I’m thrilled for you, but I can’t do this if you two are going to be sex crazed monkeys.” Syd scrunches up her nose.

“Hey, who are you calling a monkey?!” Paige frowns.

“Ok fine, unicorn. Happy?” Syd shakes her head.

“Much better.” Paige giggles.

“Well now that you’re not topless, do you think you two could control yourselves for like 5 minutes so I can bring Dom in here?” Syd questions.

“Promise, we’ll stop.” Ali assures her. “Really, what’s going on?”

“Babe, get in here!” Syd calls out and Dom comes into the frame just a few seconds later.

“Oh, there’s two of you. Hello!” Dom smiles at them and waggles his eyebrows.

“Very observant, babe. Well done.” Syd teases him.

“Sod off!” Dom playfully glares at her.

“Anyway! So, we’ve known for a little while and have been dying to tell you, but just wanted to make sure everything was going smoothly first…” Syd pauses.

“Oh my gosh!” Ali excitedly whispers and covers her mouth with one hand, waiting to hear Syd officially say she’s pregnant before she jumps up.

“I’m opening a new office in London!” Syd exclaims cheerily.

Ali pops up a bit before her brain catches up to what she just heard, trying not to show her disappointment that it’s not pregnancy news. “That’s amazing! Congrats!” She quickly says with excitement.

“Awesome news! You’ll be a worldwide power in no time!” Paige adds with a big smile.

Syd just laughs hysterically before finally composing herself. “I’m fucking with you!” She moves the phone so Dom is fully in view, his shirt reading ‘Does this shirt make me look like a Daddy?’.

“Eeeeeeak! Oh my god! Oh my god, I knew it!” Ali lets out a loud squeal and bounces up and down on the bed. “Sydney! I’m so fucking happy right now! You guys! I love you and I’m so, so happy for you!”

“This is amazing! Congrats you two!” Paige manages to get a couple words in between Ali and Syd’s shrieks of excitement, all while Dom does a little dance.

“Can’t believe it took us this long, but finally! I just had my 6 week visit yesterday and everything looks great so far.” Syd fills them in and holds up an ultrasound photo with a little blob on it.

“I’m in love already!” Ali squeals yet again, moving closer to the screen to see better. “When are you due?”

“March 20th.” Syd replies.

“I should have known, you’re glowing! Ahhh babes, you’re gonna be a momma!” Ali beams and tears up.

“And you’re gonna be an auntie!” Syd smiles at her.

“Oh, I am going to spoil the absolute shit out of your kid. Prepare yourself.” Ali warns her. “This just made my day…well, actually my whole year.”

“Well, it can be your belated birthday present because the real one I got you is still on back order.” Syd grumbles.

“Oh please, the card you sent me was perfectly great on its own. Of course, this news is the best gift ever! So thank you, but that back ordered gift can suck it.” Ali jokes.

“Rude! Keep it up and I’ll take your gift back for myself. Anyway, we should let you get back to…well…that.” Syd points to the two of them.

“Think we all know that we’re not going back to sleep now and about to spend the day baby shopping.” Paige laughs.

“Sorry mates, I tried to tell her it was insanely early.” Dom shrugs.

“Totally worth it.” Paige smiles. “Really happy for you two…best parents ever.”

“Second that!” Ali snuggles into Paige’s shoulder. “Take good care of her, Dommy.” She points her finger at him.

“Promise I will. Foot rubs and ice cream runs on command.” Dom replies.

“Good boy.” Ali nods in approval. “I’ll call you later for more details. Have a great day you guys. Love you so much! So exciting!” She and Syd both give another happy little shriek before she ends the call.

“Wow, that was quite a way to start the morning. Amazing for them!” Paige smiles.

“I’m literally shaking with happiness.” Ali agrees. “Good morning by the way.” She tilts her head up for a lingering kiss.

“Mmm, good morning to you.” Paige goes in for another before pulling back to look at Ali seriously. “Hey, when was your birthday?”

“Oh uh, July 28th. Couple weeks ago.” Ali reveals and bites her lip nervously.

“Ali, why didn’t you tell me?” Paige asks softly, the look on her face one of hurt.

“It wasn’t purposeful, I swear. It just hadn’t come up yet and us being sort of early on in the official relationship...I didn’t want to make you feel like there was any pressure.” Ali tries to explain.

“You should’ve told me. Now I feel like a total fuck for missing your birthday.” Paige appeals to her.

“I know, I know…I’m sorry. But it’s not as bad as it seems. We were together the night before and kind of celebrating by having dinner with Kyle. I was excited for you to meet him and it was an amazing night that meant a lot to me even if you didn’t realize. Plus, you were with me until at least 2am and it was our first… well, trust me that you gave me plenty of gifts and it was technically on my birthday.” Ali tries to smooth it over with a devilish smirk.

“Riiight.” Paige gives her a playfully skeptical smile and kisses her soundly.

“Besides, I had a really low-key day and just relaxed because I had a stupid lung scan the day after.” Ali reveals without thinking about it, leaning in for another kiss but getting stopped.

“What do you mean you had a lung scan?” Paige looks at her worriedly.

“Oh uh, yeah. Just an annual routine thing. Remember how I said I had exercise induced asthma and chronic bronchitis when I was younger?” Ali reminds her and gets a nod. “Kyle and I both had lung issues growing up, so we get yearly scans to be safe and we try to schedule them together. Just crappy timing that this year it fell near my birthday.” She feels a little guilty that she’s being so vague and casual about it, but they never got into how her parents died outside of ‘accidents’ and she doesn’t feel quite ready to tackle the specifics yet.

“And everything is ok?” Paige asks, still concerned.

“Yep, scans were normal for both me and Kyle. We just went back in and got the results earlier this week.” Ali assures her.

“Oh ok, good.” Paige’s face gets more relaxed. “So, anything else you want to tell me about the double-life you’re apparently leading?”

“Hey.” Ali holds Paige’s face in her hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you out of things. For starters, I’ve gotten really used to pretty much doing everything on my own and I guess this is a little bit of an adjustment. We’re also still at the beginning of this whole thing, right? I think there’s a lot we still have to learn about each other… and we will.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true. And I get the whole being self-sufficient thing.” Paige nods and hugs Ali into her chest.

“Besides, I don’t know your birthday either.” Ali smiles up at her.

“February 29th.” Paige tells her.

“Wait, you’re a leap year baby?” Ali sits up a bit with intrigue.

“Yep.” Paige smiles. “Technically you only have to celebrate my birthday once every four years. But seeing as how next year is a leap year, you only have a few more months to think about my gift instead of like three years. Bad timing for you.” She jokes. “Really though, I usually just celebrate it either on the 28th or on the first of March.”

“Sheesh, here I am thinking you’re a little older than me and you’re actually only like 9 years old. Now I feel kinda scandalous.” Ali teases back. “Never met a leap year baby. That is very cool and unique. See, we’re making progress already!”

“Except, I still have to get you a birthday gift.” Paige pulls her shirt off over her head and moves to hover over Ali, sliding her bare thigh between the brunette’s legs and right up against her folds.

“Hmm, pretty sure you already got me this gift on my actual birthday.” Ali tilts up to kiss the blonde’s chin, pressing herself down into Paige’s thigh more and letting out a low moan.

“I figured this was one of those gifts that you could use another one of.” Paige smiles into Ali’s neck, trailing kisses up to her ear.

“Oh I absolutely could use a double gift…or triple…or…ooh fuck…” Ali loses her train of thought as Paige’s hand slips between her legs and the woman’s lips crash against her own.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _August 22, 2019_ **

“I don’t know anything about American politics, but I’d vote for her. I’ve never seen a grown man crumble like that on live television. His voice was shaking at the end.” Pierre says incredulously.

“I’m pretty sure he’s gonna find a brown streak in his underwear tonight.” Ryan laughs and Whitey elbows him.

“That’s my girl.” Ashlyn turns off the TV and proudly leans back against the couch, taking a long sip of a beer. Tonight was the first of four local congressional candidate debates between Luz and Robert Wagner, the current Republican congressman for the 10th district. The guy held strong for the first ten minutes until Luz dismantled him piece by piece for the next twenty minutes and left him a bumbling mess.

“Ok Boss Lady, I have gotta ask. Is she always like that?” Crystal asks curiously. “I mean, she’s pretty much always intense when we’re around. But like when you two are alone…” She raises an eyebrow.

“Hold up, are you asking…” Ashlyn attempts to clarify the question, but Megan jumps right in.

“We wanna know about in the bedroom, bitch. Cause you’ve given us next to nothing. Like are you one step away from death by the time she’s done with you or…” Megan asks bluntly.

Ashlyn looks around the room hoping Whitney or Sue will save her from having to answer, but both women just lean forward with interest. Meanwhile Ryan and Pierre both jump up and head into the kitchen after muttering some excuse about fresh drinks.

“Subtle as always.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I don’t even know how to answer that. I mean, she’s always passionate to the extreme, but also very sweet. So it’s like a good intense, but like toned down at the right times. And then when it comes to…well, we both kind of feed off each other and it’s gets super amplified and almost uncontrolled. I dunno, it’s just really hot and kind of like an insane rush of energy, but in a good way.”

“Got it. So picture having sex with like a phoenix. Kinky.” Sue jokes and earns a little glare from Ashlyn.

“Well, it fits.” Whitney laughs. “Beautiful and bold, but could peck your eyes out and burst into flames at any minute.”

“At least now if I hear you screaming all the way down in my condo, I’ll know you two are just doing your hotter-than-an-oven style lovin’.” Crystal piles on.

“I swear I don’t know why I tell you guys anything.” Ashlyn huffs and sips her beer.

“Well twerp over here is more like an Easy Bake Oven if it makes you feel any better.” Sue wraps an arm around her girlfriend and watches Megan’s jaw drop open.

“Biiish!” Megan quips back. “I’ll be a cold ass oven if you don’t watch it.”

“Awww babe, I love your oven. Plus, you know I’d marry you just for that brain and smile.” Sue smooths things over. “But not without a rock.” She adds in teasing insinuation. “Cause you know your oven would be so much hotter if the hand that turns it on had a big ol’ rock on it. Just saying.”

“Mmkay, the oven thing is getting a lil awkward now.” Crystal jokes and uses it as an excuse to go sidle up next to Pierre in the kitchen.

“I’m with her on that.” Whitney follows and heads over to Ryan.

“So wait, you want a big ol’ rock? Cause I didn’t know that. Probably gonna need to tell me more than once a day.” Megan says sarcastically. “How about you settle for another drink?”

“Deal. But that’s only valid for tonight!” Sue plays back and gives her a quick kiss before Megan joins the others in the kitchen.

“Sooo…remember last Christmas when you told me that you were someone who goes after what they want, but with Pinoe you were patient because you knew it was important right from the beginning and didn’t want to mess it up?” Ashlyn asks Sue very directly as soon as Megan is out of earshot.

She has stayed silent on this subject for months, listening to Sue drop every marriage hint under the sun and watching Megan hedge on buying an engagement ring at least three times now. Sue’s dying for them to get engaged, but doesn’t want to feel like she forcing Megan to ask her. And Megan is so in love and so happy with things between them that she feels like she’s gonna jinx it if she makes a huge move. Ashlyn knows that if she doesn’t say something soon, Sue is gonna ask Megan herself, which isn’t the ideal for either woman given the dynamics of their relationship.

“Yeah, I remember. Why?” Sue asks.

“Well, you gave me the great advice that what belongs to you will always be yours. So, I’m giving that same advice back to you.” Ashlyn says frankly. “You know, Pinoe had never seriously asked anyone out before you. The fact that she asked you…life changing for her really. You’re that important to her. And I hear you on the engagement thing, I totally do. I mean, bitch needs to get a fucking move on. Wait her out though, because you know that when she asks you it’ll be one of those life changing important things for her…for both of you. And it’ll be worth every frustrating second.”

“Wait, do you know something?” Sue eyes her.

“Only that what belongs to you is yours, and that twerp over there definitely and completely belongs to you.” Ashlyn smiles.

“I usually hate my own advice, but thanks Dreamboat. I guess I really did need someone to hold up a giant ‘cut the shit before you ruin it’ sign.” Sue walks over to where Ashlyn is sitting and leans down to give her a hug.

“Anytime, Hayseed.” Ashlyn replies.

“Careful there. The phoenix gonna be flying in here pretty soon and if she sees you touching her xuxu, she might shoot a laser beam out of her eyes that pulverizes you into dust. I can’t put a big ol’ rock on a pile of dust.” Megan teases Sue. “Sooo, what’d I miss?” She looks between the two of them.

“Just trying to convince Sue that she really doesn’t wanna lock down this kind of mediocrity in anything permanent.” Ashlyn jokes and motions with her hand as if she’s showcasing Megan.

“I can totally see what you mean now.” Sue deadpans and taps her chin with her finger.

“Total bitches!” Megan pouts until Sue kisses her. “She is forgiven.” She goes in for another peck and then looks at Ashlyn. “But you are still on my shit list, butch.”

“Cool, I’ll let Luz know I’m on your shit list.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Forgiven! I want no part of the phoenix.” Megan laughs. “So, tell me…” she plops down beside Ashlyn on the couch. “What the actual fuck is a xuxu?”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _September 11, 2019_ **

Ashlyn looks at the clock for what feels like the millionth time and debates whether to get up now that it’s a more reasonable 6am. She has been up since at least 3am, unable to sleep even though Luz’s bare skin is soft and warm against her own as the woman snoozes peacefully against her chest. She’s getting antsier by the second, the arm that she has wrapped around Luz practically numb from holding it still for so long in an attempt not to wake her. She only makes it five more minutes before slowly sliding her arm out from under her girlfriend and shifting carefully to get out of bed.

“Aonde você vai?” Luz mumbles sleepily, feeling Ashlyn pull away and reaching for her.

“Huh?” Ashlyn whispers near her ear.

“Where are you going?” Luz tries again.

“Can’t sleep, so I’m gonna go for a run. I’ll bring back some breakfast and coffee.” Ashlyn kisses along the top of Luz’s shoulder.

“Mhmm. You ok?” Luz asks with her eyes closed.

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep, I’ll be back soon.” Ashlyn strokes her hair softly and kisses her forehead a couple times. “Love you.”

“Love…too.” Luz barely gets out in another mumble before rolling over and falling right back to sleep.

Ashlyn quickly throws on some running clothes and grabs her phone and airpods before taking a few sips of water and heading out. She runs towards the water and opts to take the route that will take her over the Brooklyn Bridge, along the piers and back around, knowing that it’s still early and the walkway won’t be crowded yet. The morning temperature is perfect for a run and she really pushes her pace, enjoying the crisp air in her lungs. She hits four miles just as she gets back over the bridge and slows down to a walking speed to cool down.

She exits the bridge walkway and heads towards the café that Luz likes best, but she finds herself distractedly walking right past it and going into the little bodega on the corner instead. It takes her a few minutes of searching the little store to find what she’s looking for, but she makes the purchase and before she knows it she’s walking the two blocks over to Ground Zero.

She has been to the 9/11 Memorial just twice before…once when she first moved to NYC just to understand the magnitude of it, and another time she ended up walking around the area while she waited for someone running late for a lunch meeting nearby. She has always avoided it for the exact reason she once told Ali…in her mind, it isn’t her tragedy to claim any part of. Yet today she feels drawn here, and even though it’s bizarre, she knows it has everything to do with Ali and somehow feeling more connected to 9/11 despite it still not being her tragedy to bear.

She begins walking around one of the massive reflecting pools a bit aimlessly, scanning the various black stone panels and realizing that the names on them are in no discernable order. The area is pretty empty even though the annual memorial ceremony is at 9am, but she spots a small work crew clearing flowers and other items from the name panels while leaving little American flags sticking up in each name engraving.

“Hi. I was hoping you could help me.” Ashlyn approaches one of the workers. “I’m trying to find a specific name on the memorial, but I’m not sure how I find it.”

“No problem. The victim names are actually grouped together by family, friend, or co-worker relationships as their families requested them to be.” The man informs her. “So, you have to use the 9/11 Memorial website or app to find a name. You search by name and it tells you whether it’s on the North or South reflecting pool and then also what panel number it’s on.”

“Thank you so much.” Ashlyn says appreciatively, already working to find the website on her phone.

“You’re welcome. Have a peaceful day.” The man says respectfully.

“Thanks again, and same to you.” Ashlyn smiles at him kindly and continues walking as she types ‘Krieger’ into the website search bar. The information pops up right away, a picture and profile along with it and Ashlyn stops dead in her tracks at seeing a picture of Ali’s dad for the first time. There isn’t the same level of resemblance as the one between Ali and her mom, but it’s still pretty clear that this is her father. She sees Ali and Kyle listed as his children under the surviving family section of his profile and it prompts her to keep moving. It’s only about 5 more minutes before she locates the area she’s looking for on the South reflecting pool, the name “Kenneth Krieger” etched almost in the middle of the panel.

Ashlyn takes a few quiet minutes, her eyes traveling back and forth between the falling water of the reflecting pool and the name in front of her as she stands there. Even though it’s pretty early and the memorial ceremony isn’t for another couple hours, she doesn’t want to take even the slightest the chance of running into Ali and inserting herself into something that doesn’t belong to her in any way. She hesitates for another minute, carefully watching as the workers over at the North reflecting pool continue remove any items on the panels and place small flags on each name. A few have now started to work on the nearest corner of the South reflecting pool she’s at and it gives her reassurance that they’ll soon clear anything she leaves behind.

At that, she reaches into the small paper bag from the bodega and pulls out the can of Cherry Coke and package of Reese’s peanut butter cups that she bought. The panel is slightly slanted downwards, so she works to carefully place them on Ken’s name in a way that they will stay put. She takes a deep breath, looking again at the falling water and then back to his name. “Your daughter really misses you…and I really miss her.” She whispers softly, not sure what else to say and feeling a bit foolish that she said anything at all. Still, it’s true. As happy as she is right now, she can’t help but miss that easy and balanced connection she had with Ali, knowing without a doubt that she wants it back even if it’s just in friendship.

With that in mind, she finally turns and walks away so she can pick up some breakfast like she promised…not looking back and certainly not lingering long enough to see that the same man who helped her earlier chose to leave the soda and chocolate untouched as he placed the flags on the panel she was standing at.

\----

“God Al, I am so sorry. This is…” Kyle can’t even find the words as they walk to the end of the block together. He hasn’t been able to find the words since yesterday morning when he went to his mandatory jury duty and got selected for a case that begins this morning. He had pleaded with the judge about today’s memorial and told him about his father, but the insensitive jackass told him that the court continues to operate on 9/11 and that doing his civic duty would serve as its own memorial. He spent hours crying in Ali’s arms last night, and this morning has been no better even though he’s finally managed to pull himself together and look presentable.

“Hey, I already told you.” Ali stops walking and lightly holds his face. “I know this fucking sucks, but it’s ok. We’ll go back together this evening when you get home.” She tries to console him even though she feels shaky and scared to be alone today. They’ve never gone to a 9/11 memorial without each other, never spent this day in any way other than practically joined at the hip. To say this feels foreign and daunting to each of them is an understatement, but they have no choice.

“I hate you going alone. I wish Brian or Paige or someone could go to the ceremony with you.” Kyle’s voice shakes.

“Brian just transitioned to being an independent contractor, remember? Kim called last week to tell me that there was no way he was going to be able to make the drive down in the middle of the week like this. She’s barely seen him this last month now that he’s consulting with so many companies. And you know damn well that I haven’t told Paige yet.” Ali ignores the look Kyle gives her on that last part.

She knows she really needs to tell Paige if things are going to keep growing more serious between them, but suddenly dropping it on her and then asking her to come today just wasn’t an option in her mind. She’s well aware that she’s hedging, but has been trying not to stress about it.

“You need to get going so you’re not late for court. Besides, the other families will be there and I’m meeting Nancy for lunch afterwards once she’s done with her morning clients. I’ll be fine, promise.” Ali assures him.

“Ok.” Kyle lets out a deep sigh and hugs Ali tight. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Ali squeezes him one more time and steps back to adjusts his tie. “You look handsome. Good luck, and make good decisions!” She playfully warns him and gives him a little push in the opposite direction that he has to walk. She watches until he turns the corner and then starts her own walk.

The truth is that she’s far from ok, her legs trembling and her stomach churning the whole way there. She feels so lonely right now with a vacant feeling that’s hard to shake. Still, she manages to get there by focusing on breathing and telling herself over and over again that she can do this. She heads right to the museum first, signing in with the guard and presenting her credentials as a family member which will allow her to go into to the repository where the bedrock of the original buildings still stands and houses all the unidentified remains.

The in memoriam area is very quiet even though there are many families and friends gathered near the concrete repository wall. She spends a few minutes in front of the wall first, her eyes closed as she lets memories of her father flood her mind. When she can’t take anymore without crying, she takes the stairs up to the unmarked Reflection Room and silently hugs all the other family members she knows. It’s a routine that has become commonplace over the years. It certainly helps her feel less alone as they all sit together for a little while, exchanging little smiles and knowing glances, drawing comfort from each other.

When people start to leave and head outside to the memorial site, she follows suit. Her legs immediately start trembling again and she feels increasingly like she’s going to pass out as she gets closer the location of her father’s name where she’ll stand for the ceremony. She can see as she approaches the panel that there’s something on it amongst all the flags waving in the breeze, but doesn’t think much of it until she gets right in front of it and sees that it’s directly on top of her father’s name. _Cherry Coke and Reese’s. It can’t be. _

Ali’s heart races and she feels dizzy for a few seconds as her mind runs through the possibilities. There are only three people alive besides herself that would know to put this here. She’s knows that there’s no way it can be two of them…which only leaves the third option. _It can’t be. _

The answer is obvious, but she needs to be certain. She was with Kyle all morning and knows for sure he had no time to do this before court. Brian is supposed to be at home which is an almost 4-hour drive away, but she has to double-check before she lets herself jump to any conclusions. She steps away from the memorial and finds a quiet spot before dialing the number.

“Hey Ali, good morning. I feel really bad I’m not there this year. You doing ok?” Her ex-husband’s voice comes over the line.

“Hey, it’s totally ok. So, you’re definitely not here?” Ali questions, her heartrate picking up again.

“Yeah, no I’m at home and already working this morning.” Brian replies in confusion. “Shit, did Kim not call to tell you I couldn’t make it? God, I’m so, so sorry. I should’ve made sure…damn, I dropped the ball…and…” He stutters out apologetically.

“No, no, she totally called me!” Ali quickly corrects him. “I knew you wouldn’t make it. And I completely understand obviously, and really it’s totally ok. Sorry, I just saw someone who I swore was you from a distance and wanted to make sure. Geez, I’m going nuts today. Kyle ended up with jury duty, so I’m by myself for the first time at this thing, and it’s…hard I guess. And apparently, now I’m hallucinating.” Ali covers for herself a ramble.

“You’re alone? Jesus Ali, I even hate the thought of that.” Brian says worriedly. “If I had known that, maybe Kim could’ve gone with you or we would’ve figured something out.”

“Really, I’m ok. Doing better than I thought actually.” She lies again. “I need to get back because the ceremony is going to start soon, but just wanted to make sure that you weren’t here before I started looking around for you like a crazy lady.”

“Yeah, ok. Really sorry again that I’m not there.” Brian repeats genuinely. “Please take care of yourself and call back if you need anything. I can even just be on the phone with you if you don’t want to be there alone, ok?”

“Thanks, Bri. That means a lot.” Ali is touched by his usual thoughtfulness. “I’m good though. Hope you have a good day and we’ll catch up soon, I know it’s been forever.”

“I’d like that, been weird not to touch base with you for this long. But it’s my bad for taking on so much all at once with my work stuff and not being around…this whole year has been a damn blur.” He says regretfully. “How about we make sure that we plan to meet up by Thanksgiving? You and Kyle, and I’ll bring Kim and the kids. Deal?”

“Deal. Gonna hold you to that. Say hi to my fav little peeps and we’ll be in touch.” Ali replies.

“Will do. And good luck today.” Brian says kindly.

“Thanks, you have a good one too.” Ali presses the end call button and immediately walks back over to the memorial, once again faced with the Cherry Coke and Reese’s. _Ashlyn._ _She was actually here_. And not only was she here, but she remembered the tiny trivial detail of her father’s two favorite things. She looks around all over just to make sure, but she doesn’t spot Ashlyn anywhere. There’s a tiny flicker of disappointment, even if she honestly didn’t expect her to still be here somewhere. _Doesn’t matter…she was here. Here for me, here for my family. _

A very familiar loving ache fills her chest and she feels more calm and settled than she has all morning, as if someone who truly understands her is beside her somehow even if not physically. The National Anthem begins to play, signaling the start of the ceremony, and Ali tries to focus, but her mind is elsewhere. All she can think about is that they’ve both kept their promise to each other even at a distance, even in moving forward with their lives. And it’s deeply comforting to realize that when she needs her most…_Ashlyn will show up for me._

Still, as stands there with her eyes trained on the soda can and chocolate, something else strikes her too. There’s a reason she needed Ashlyn today, a reason that she’s standing here all by herself…she didn’t open up the way that she needs to, her scars still very much hidden. Ashlyn’s words from their last session together ring loud and clear in her head: _Give them the opportunity to see you enough to be able to impress you or disappoint you…show your scars more. _And just like that, she knows that it’s time to have a very vulnerable conversation with Paige.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _October 4, 2019_ **

“What do you think of this one?” Whitney asks Ashlyn as she holds up a modest solitaire diamond ring with a gold band.

“I love the simplicity of it, very classic. I just don’t know if it’s quite right for her.” Ashlyn weighs in. “Pinoe!” She calls over to Megan who is browsing jewelry cases a few rows away. “Thoughts on something like this?” She asks when Megan gets close enough.

“Hmph. I mean it’s beautiful, but maybe too plain. Like don’t you think she would want something with a little more excitement or edge to it?” Megan looks the ring over. “This looks like an engagement ring that uptight CTO over here would pick. And she’s nothing like Whit, so…” She uses the opportunity to jibe Whitney as always.

Ashlyn lets out a hearty laugh. “Too good, Watson did pick it out!” She nudges Whitney who glares at both of them.

“And now I’m going to go over here and browse for myself instead of helping.” Whitney playful bites back and heads over to another jewelry case.

“Awwww, come back! You know you can’t leave the two of us alone for very long.” Megan pretends to pout, but Whitney only sticks her tongue out.

“So, you really think this big plan of yours is gonna work? Like you’re that sure she definitely doesn’t look at your emails every week?” Ashlyn questions.

“Oh I’m so sure. She humors me every time by sending back a ‘thanks, babe’, but she definitely doesn’t even open the attachment. Probably looked at the first couple I ever sent and then was like fuck this rigid shit.” Megan laughs.

“Can’t blame her.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “So you add it into the weekly email thing, and then what?”

“Well, then I wait for her to drop another marriage hint at a time that I think feels right and go for it.” Megan says simply.

“And what exactly is a time that feels right?” Ashlyn inquires.

“Not really sure yet, but recently I’ve been thinking I want to find a way to include the people who are important in our lives. Like maybe being around our friends would mean more, but I dunno. I figure if a good moment presents itself, I can always bait her to drop a marriage hint. Not exactly that hard these days.” Megan rolls her eyes.

“As good a plan as any. I honestly think she’s going to be thrilled no matter what way you do it. She loves you and just wants your forever to start as soon as possible, you know?” Ashlyn encourages Megan’s sudden motivation to actually buy a ring and come up with a solid game plan.

“Yeah, I know. I think I’ve been so focused on perfection that I’ve like crippled myself…but, time for me to get over that and just go with my gut.” Megan admits.

“Best thing to do.” Ashlyn agrees as the two of them continue to browse the cases for rings. It’s only a couple minutes later when she slams right into Megan who comes to full stop without warning.

“Ash…” Megan’s eyes are wide and focused on the only ring in the small case in front of her. It has a twisted white gold band with tiny diamonds along one side of the twist, a 1.5 carat round diamond in the center. Not too plain nor too elaborate, but classic with a little something extra.

“Oh damn. That’s the one…it’s perfect.” Ashlyn immediately sees the appeal of it too.

“Right?” Megan says in awe.

“Absolutely.” Ashlyn confirms.

“Whit!” Megan calls out and waves her hand wildly to get her attention. All she can do is point when Whitney gets next to them.

“Oh hell yes!” Whitney says excitedly. “Megs!” She shrieks a bit and squeezes Megan’s shoulders.

“I mean, woah biiitch…just woah.” Ashlyn adds in a soft voice.

“I know.” Megan smiles so widely that it hurts her cheeks.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _October 9, 2019_ **

“Well hello there, beautiful.” Paige answers cheerily when she sees that it’s Ali calling.

“Hello yourself, my sexy yoga guru.” Ali giggles.

“This is a nice afternoon surprise. Might have been better if you swung by the studio for lunch, but I’ll take it just the same.” Paige replies.

“Ugh, I wish. I only have like thirty minutes before I have another three back-to-back sessions.” Ali groans at her busy day. “So, I was actually calling about plans for later. I know it’s the middle of the week, but I was hoping maybe you’d want to go out to dinner together tonight?”

“I would never pass up dinner with you.” Paige flirts a bit. “What do you have in mind?”

“I was thinking Blackbarn over in NoMad.” Ali tells her.

“Oh a nice dinner then.” Paige smiles into the phone. “Is there a special occasion I should be aware of?”

“No, not really. The food is good and it’s just a chill atmosphere where everyone isn’t packed in like sardines. I thought maybe it would be some quality time for us to talk over dinner…keep getting to know more about each other. Like we said not too long ago.” Ali tries her best not to make it sound overly serious so that she doesn’t get nervous and so Paige doesn’t go into this too expectantly either.

“I’d love that. It’s a date.” Paige replies happily.

“Want to just meet there at 6:30pm?” Ali suggests.

“How about I meet you at your place at 6:00pm and we can Uber there together?” Paige adjusts the plan.

“Even better.” Ali agrees, figuring it’s not a bad idea to ease into what is sure to be a bit of an intense night for her. “Can’t wait.”

“Me either. Have an amazing rest of the day, cutie.” Paige says sweetly.

“You too, babes.” Ali hangs up and leans back in her desk chair with a sigh. _No going back now._

Over the last three weeks she’s been waiting for the right moment to open up to Paige about her parents, but the timing and atmosphere always seem to be wrong. She doesn’t want to get really detailed or emotional about it because she’s not quite ready for that level yet. So, being alone together where it could easily escalate to that point isn’t a great plan. Still, it’s not a light conversation that can be had in a crowded or loud environment either. Seeing as how they spend most of their time hanging out alone at one of their places, at yoga class or in busy coffee shops, a good moment hasn’t exactly presented itself. Only yesterday did it dawn on her that she just needed to create the right moment…a seemingly casual dinner in a relatively quiet restaurant with plenty of space between tables.

\----

“How early are we?” Ashlyn asks Whitney as they approach the restaurant.

“Reservation is for 8pm, so like 45 minutes. I figured it would take us a lot longer to get here at this hour.” Whitney shrugs. “Pinoe texted that she, Kam, and Crys just wrapped up and are leaving the office in like 15 minutes. So, I’m guessing they’ll be here closer to 8pm.”

“Want to get a round at the bar and just wait in there?” Ashlyn suggests. They’re supposed to finish talking through their final business plan over dinner before all their significant others as well as Becky and her boyfriend come meet them for after dinner drinks and some dessert.

“Let’s do it.” Whitney agrees, opening the door and following Ashlyn over to the bar where they order their usual drinks and start to relax a bit after what has been a really busy day and an even busier week now that the wheels are really moving on their new project.

_What a gorgeous smile. _Ashlyn’s eyes fall on a brunette seated at a table in the far corner as she takes a sip of her drink, her heart jumping before her brain has even caught up. _Oh my god…Alex. That smile. _She grins as her eyes take in all the details of Ali’s face. _Beautiful as always. _She feels a few drops of her drink dribble down her chin and snaps out of it, realizing she’s holding her tumbler up to her mouth without actually drinking.

She quickly wipes her chin with the back of her hand and looks back over at Ali, noticing now that she’s with someone. The other woman’s back is to her and she can’t see her very well save for the stylish short blonde hair, but she can easily see that the blonde is the recipient of that gorgeous smile she was just entranced by. They’re holding hands across the table even though it’s making it harder for them to eat, but it doesn’t stop the blonde woman from feeding Ali a bite food. _She looks…totally smitten. _

Something about it makes her feel light inside, seeing how happy Ali looks with that beaming smile on her face…but she also feels like a deer in the headlights. Part of her wants Ali to see her, wants to go over there and say hello because she truly misses the brunette in her life. The other part of her immediately realizes the complicated reality of interrupting what looks like a really romantic date for Ali, as well as trying to get through a business meeting and then have her own girlfriend thrown into the mix of potential introductions. Not to mention Becky eventually being here on top of everything else, knowing both of them and well aware of their backstory.

“Whit, we need to go.” Ashlyn finally snaps out of her daze.

“What?” Whitney asks in confusion, seeing the bizarre expression on Ashlyn’s face.

“We have to leave and figure out where else to go before anyone gets here.” Ashlyn clarifies.

“Why? What’s going on with you?” Whitney questions in concern.

“Ali is right over there in the corner. Clearly on a date…a really good one.” Ashlyn discretely motions with her hand and watches Whitney’s eyes follow.

“Shit.” Whitney whispers and immediately rifles through her purse for some cash to put on the bar for their drinks. “Come on.” She lightly tugs Ashlyn’s arm and makes sure they walk out inconspicuously so they don’t attract any attention.

“We need to figure out where else to go and quick.” Ashlyn pulls out her phone as soon as they’re outside and starts looking for nearby options.

“Forget that for a fucking minute. Are you okay?” Whitney takes the phone out of her hand.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Ashlyn replies easily and gets a skeptical look from Whitney. “No, really. I’m surprised to see her and totally taken off guard, but honestly…I actually kind of wanted to go over and say hi to her.”

“Really?” Whitney questions in disbelief.

“Yeah. I sort of recently realized that I feel good about where I am. Things are really great with Luz, but I also just really miss having that ease of connection in my life with Ali. Like I thought maybe it had been long enough that we might try being friends or something.” Ashlyn shrugs and looks at her feet. “But then obviously I’m not gonna interrupt her date for that. And there’s no avoiding her seeing me in there once our loud ass crew shows up. Not exactly ideal for me to be distracted when we have to actually talk serious work stuff tonight. Plus, I’d be introducing Luz… and then Becky knows Ali from college like I told you. It’s just… a little too much.”

“Just a little.” Whitney agrees sarcastically. “So, you’re sure you’re ok?” She checks again.

“Really, I’m good.” Ashlyn says resolutely. Still, she knows deep down that if she was truly ready to just be friends with Ali, she could have easily said hello tonight and none of those excuses she just gave Whitney would have mattered. But she pushes it to the back of her mind in favor of more pressing issues. “We really need to find a new place.”

“Yeah, fuck.” Whitney hands Ashlyn’s her phone back and starts using her own. “We might be able find somewhere that can accommodate five of us for dinner, but no way for twelve people once everyone else joins us.”

“Damn it.” Ashlyn can’t find any good options nearby on the OpenTable app even for five people. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. What a mess.” She shakes her head.

“It’s fine. There has to be something we can do.” Whitney keeps trying to find a place, but comes up empty. “What about if we just redirect everyone to your place? We’ll probably start like 30 minutes late, but we can order in and quickly grab some stuff at the liquor store on the corner near your building.”

“Ahhh, brilliant!” Ashlyn lightly shakes Whitney’s shoulders in relief.

“You text Luz. I’ll call Pinoe so they know where to go and then they can text the others.” Whitney directs.

Ashlyn snickers to herself while she texts, listening to Whitney sound convincingly outraged as she explains to Megan that the restaurant somehow lost their reservation. As soon as Whitney hangs up, Ashlyn wraps and arm around her and pulls her into her side. “Thanks for having my back, Watson.”

“Always, Sherlock.” Whitney smiles at her. “But you’re paying for an Uber to your place!”

“Please, the Uber and I’m buying your lunch for the next week.” Ashlyn replies gratefully.

“In that case, I hope we run into Ali more often.” Whitney can’t help herself. It earns her a solid nudge from Ashlyn, but she also gets the laugh she was hoping for along with it.

\----

“Well don’t you look nice!” Kyle looks Ali over after opening the door to his apartment. “To what do I owe this little surprise visit?” He asks sassily before seeing the drained look on her face. “Wait, didn’t you have a date tonight? And you were gonna… Al, are you…” He rattles off questions as he puts it together, but gets cut off.

“Newly single? You betcha.” Ali says sardonically and walks past him into the apartment, going right over to his couch and plopping down on it with a grunt.

“Hey, it’s ok.” He sits right next to her and pulls her into a hug. “So, it didn’t go well?” He tucks her into his shoulder and plays with her hair.

“Oh yeah, went fucking smashing.” Ali continues with the sarcasm.

“What happened?” Kyle tries again.

“Well the evening started out great. Like I just felt good energy for whatever reason, so I didn’t hesitate to go for it. I told her about Mom first, and she was really sweet and supportive about it. Like she didn’t ask a lot of questions, but listened, held my hand and was empathetic about it. It was good.” Ali recounts.

Ok, well that sounds good at least.” Kyle follows along.

“Yeah, and I started to feel really comfortable and like it was going well. So, then I started telling her about Dad…and it was just different.” Ali sighs.

“Different how?” Kyle asks.

“Like she was listening, but more like she was listening to react rather than understand, you know?” Ali tries to describe it. “It probably should’ve been my first clue. Anyway, I finish telling her and unlike before when I was talking about Mom, she didn’t say anything sympathetic right away. She was just quiet for a little and then said something like ‘that’s awful’ before going quiet again. And then I just knew it was coming.” Ali shakes her head.

“Oh come the fuck on…please tell me she didn’t go on some Bin Laden rant or get into _Fahrenheit 911_?” Kyle asks hopefully, but he knows better from his own experiences.

“Even worse. She got to _Fahrenheit 911_ eventually, but not before mentioning watching a couple of those _Loose Change _films that, and I quote ‘sold me that our government knew it was coming and purposely did nothing to stop it’. Apparently, she’s more left-wing than I realized.” Ali hears Kyle swear under his breath and feels him hug her closer. “She was very curious to know what side of things the victims’ families generally fall on.”

“Who fucking asks that?! Like how is that your first fucking question after someone tells you their Dad died on 9/11?!” Kyle spits out angrily. “Fuck that shit! I never liked her and good riddance to another conspiracy looney toon.”

“The thing is…I did really like her and it just sucks. Like I’m not sure it was ever gonna be this forever long-term thing, but it was still really good before tonight.” Ali closes her eyes for a few seconds.

“Yeah, I know. I’m really sorry, Als.” Kyle keeps playing with her hair because he knows it soothes her. “So, what did you say after that?”

“I told her that it’s not something that I think about or like to talk about.” Ali replies. “She mumbled some quick apology and dropped it, but the damage was done. Then things were awkward while we ate dessert even though we tried to go back to normal conversation.”

“So when did you break up with her then?” Kyle probes.

“After dinner. She asked if I wanted to go back to her place or mine and I told her I was just gonna go home by myself.” The last few minutes of the night run through Ali’s head.

_“I really fucked up back there at dinner, didn’t I?” Paige finds the guts to ask, not sure exactly what to make of Ali’s sudden coldness._

_“Yeah, you did.” Ali replies quietly._

_“I’m really sorry, Ali. I let my curiosity get the best of me and I just…I really didn’t mean to upset you.” Paige says apologetically, but Ali won’t even look up at her. “Christ, how badly did I fuck things up that you won’t even look at me?”_

_“You have no idea how hard it is for me to open up about my parents. And honestly, the reason I don’t do it is because of what just happened tonight. It’s never worth the disappointment of someone not coming close to understanding something so personal to me. But I also get it…you’re not from here or close to anyone that was involved. So I know it’s hard for people to understand and that my expectations are higher than they should be, but it still stings.” Ali feels like she should just stop there for the night, but she knows that she’ll see it through unless Paige somehow miraculously saves herself._

_“You shouldn’t have to lower your expectations. I should’ve realized sooner that I was being insensitive. It’s something I’ve been curious about in the past and I was trying to understand it better from someone who was close to it. And I’ve also never felt like I had to walk on eggshells around you, so bad combo I guess.” Paige tries to explain herself._

_“I know…I really do. But Paige, I just can’t do this.” Ali says softly._

_“What do you mean?” Paige dips her head a bit to try and catch Ali’s eyes._

_“You wanted to know if I thought the government was involved…that was your first reaction. You wanted to know what I thought the truth was.” Ali finally finds her eyes. “I only know one truth when it comes to that day…and it’s that my father is gone. Taken in one of the worst ways imaginable and without any way for me to ever know exactly how and what he went through. That’s my truth. And I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand that even in the simplest way, and who prioritizes some government conspiracy over my feelings.” She says firmly._

_"So this is it then? Just like that?” Paige asks emotionally and looking somewhat shocked._

_“Yeah, it is. I’m sorry, but I’m not really sure how to get over what just happened at dinner.” Ali tells her truthfully. _

_“Ok.” Paige lets out a sigh, not sure what else to say. She's really frustrated and can't believe this is happening, but also doesn't feel like she can push. She leans in and hugs Ali for a few seconds, glad the brunette at least hugs her back. “I’m really sorry I hurt you. I’d take it back in a heartbeat and do it differently if I could.” She says remorsefully. “Maybe at some point you’ll at least still come and join the yoga class?”_

_“Maybe.” Ali doesn’t commit either way. The truth is that she probably won’t, but who knows how she’ll feel after some time passes._

_“I hope you do and that maybe eventually we can find our way back to at least being friends.” Paige says hopefully and just feeling sad now, but only gets another noncommittal nod from Ali. “I guess I should go. I’m really sorry. Night, Ali.” She kisses the brunette’s forehead._

_“Goodnight. Get home safe.” Ali backs up a few steps and gives her a little wave before turning and walking towards Kyle’s place instead of going home._

“You were a lot nicer than I would have been. I probably would have left her at dinner.” Kyle says frankly. “Are you gonna try to eventually be friends with her?”

“Probably not. I don’t see how what she said isn’t always going to be in the back of my mind.” Ali shrugs. “I’m gonna go call Syd in a minute just so she has a heads up. At least Paige isn’t her client anymore, but they’re still friends. Hopefully this doesn’t make things weird between them.”

“Well I’ll be highly surprised if Syd doesn’t give that woman a piece of her mind.” Kyle smiles at the thought.

“Me either.” Ali replies, feeling a little guilty about it. “Ugh, dating game over.” She adds and buries her face into Kyle’s shoulder.

“What does that mean?” He asks.

“I dunno. I was on the right track this time with not actively seeking anyone out and just letting things happen more naturally. But you know, I should’ve known when I had to work myself up to telling her about Mom and Dad.” Ali muses out loud. “Before, with _her_…” She gives Kyle the look that tells him she’s talking about Ashlyn. “I wanted to tell her. It just came out so easily and so fast. I guess I’m realizing that’s probably how it should feel when things are actually right with someone.”

“Makes sense.” Kyle nods. “So, what does that translate to in terms of moving on from here?”

“That I’m doing just fine on my own and I’m going to actually enjoy that and forget the rest. I’m sure maybe I’ll meet people and still date if it seems worth it, but I’m just not going to put any real stock into it or invest myself unless things feel right from the get go. The truth is that I know exactly what ‘right’ actually feels like, and I shouldn’t be accepting less than that for myself.” Ali says resolutely.

“Damn right, queen.” Kyle agrees wholeheartedly. “Alright, you call Syd and I’ll get the ice cream.”

“You’re the best.” She squeezes him one more time and sits up.

“Of course I am!” Kyle pretends to toss his hair as he heads into the kitchen.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _November 28, 2019_ **

“Bird, come help check the bird!” Megan calls to Sue from Ashlyn’s kitchen and cackles in laughter at her own joke.

“Ok twerp, I love you…but I swear if you use that joke one more time today, I’m never spending another Thanksgiving with you.” Sue warns.

“Same!” Ashlyn says as she opens the oven to check the turkey. She’s been rushing around since 5am to get everything cooked, but couldn’t be happier to have a penthouse full of people this year.

“I’m just glad she’s not bothering me for once!” Whitney laughs from the couch where she is watching TV with Ryan, Crystal, and Pierre.

“You all suck!” Megan sticks out her bottom lip, but smiles when Sue kisses her cheek.

“Smells so good in here. I’ve never had a Thanksgiving like this.” Luz finishes getting dishes from the cabinet and wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s waist from behind. “And you smell even better.” She kisses her neck a few times.

“Just go easy on the turkey, I’m definitely gonna want to stay up late tonight.” Ashlyn smirks and turns her head, kissing Luz a bit heatedly.

“Alright, I’m gonna need you two to stop doing that so I can actually learn how to tell if a turkey is cooked. Lord knows one of us needs to figure it out if we have any chance of keeping a future marriage alive through all the holidays with our families.” Sue winks at Megan in insinuation.

“You know, for someone who wants to get married, you sure don’t appreciate the things that married couples do.” Megan says seriously.

Luz pulls away from Ashlyn and stands there with her eyebrows raised in surprise, all while Ashlyn bites the inside of her lip to hold back a smile. Both Whitney and Crystal sit up and turn their heads from the couch, looking on in knowing amusement while Ryan and Pierre exchange worried looks and then glance at Sue.

“What do you mean?” Sue asks in concern at the way Megan is looking at her almost challengingly.

“Married couples budget together, right? Which I’ve been doing on my own for us for months now.” Megan tries to keep her composure, even as her fingers tightly grip the ring in her pocket. “I guess you hayseed small-town girls don’t worry about keeping track of your finances all that carefully, huh? You figure you can just let your CFO girlfriend handle it all and no need to even look at the budget.”

“Uh…I…” Sue stutters to come up with a response, feeling really guilty that she never looks at the weekly budget Megan makes for them. “I’m sorry, I looked at the first couple and then they kind of looked the same. I figured you’d tell me if there was something majorly important.”

“Tell you what, Hayseed. Go ahead and carefully look at any one of them from the last couple months. And then you can let me know if there’s anything majorly important you missed.” Megan leans on the counter. “I’ll wait.”

“Ok.” Sue says nervously and takes her phone out, scrolling through her inbox and opening the first budget email that catches her eye from earlier this month. She scans it slowly, not seeing anything other than the usual budget spreadsheet all filled in with dollar amounts. It’s not until she gets to the very bottom that her eyes bug out and her mouth drops open at the little message under the spreadsheet.

_You’re the only woman on the planet that I’d give all my money to without blinking at eye. The only one I’d give my heart and soul to, that I’d give my life to. My money is yours, my heart is yours, and my life is yours. Will you marry me?_

“Meg…” Sue gasps and looks up to find Megan looking at her lovingly with a little smirk. She’s rooted to the spot as Megan walks over, drops down on one knee, and holds up a ring.

“Suzanne Brigit Bird, I love you more than anything in the world. And even though you’ll probably never look at any of my weekly budgets, I still want to marry the fuck out of you. Will you do me the honor of being my wife, Hayseed?” Megan asks with an endearing smile.

“Oh my god…” Sue’s hand goes up to cover her mouth. She just barely gets out a squeaky little yes before pulling Megan up and kissing her deeply for what is definitely an inappropriate amount of time in front of everyone.

“So, you want this ring or…” Megan asks with a goofy grin on her face when they pull away slightly and gets another long kiss before Sue actually looks at it.

“It’s perfect.” Sue says in awe as she slips it on her finger, admiring it and then kissing Megan yet again.

“Good, just don’t be surprised now that our budget is much lower.” Megan quips playfully.

“Well, I won’t even notice apparently.” Sue laughs. “Can’t believe you just used my own game against me.” She shakes her head, remembering how she wrote her number on Megan’s bar receipts for like a month before the woman noticed and finally asked her out. “How long was that on the budget?”

“Since early October.” Megan reveals with a chuckle as Sue groans at herself.

“Que alegria!” Luz is the first to pipe up excitedly with a clap as Ashlyn loudly pops open a bottle of champagne and starts pouring glasses.

“I’m so happy for you guys!” Whitney runs over and wraps them both up in a hug.

“Congrats you two! I absolutely love this and I love you both!” Ashlyn hands them each a glass of champagne and hugs them tight just before Crystal swoops in to do the same.

“To the happy couple…” Ashlyn starts a toast once everyone has a glass. “It’s about fucking time!”

“Cheers to that!” Sue says enthusiastically with a giggle.

“And Happy Thanksgiving, biiitches!” Megan adds happily, an arm still wrapped around Sue as everyone repeats the sentiment and clinks glasses together.

Luz rests her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder and nuzzles close to her ear. “Just so you know, xuxu…that’s gonna be pretty hard to top.” She nudges her with her elbow and kisses her cheek.

Ashlyn just nods and pecks her lips, knowing that they’re definitely not there, but she’s certainly not ruling out that they might be at some point.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _January 6, 2020_ **

“Thanks for making waffles.” Ali stretches out on her couch, enjoying a rare lazy Monday morning with Kyle since she doesn’t have any client sessions scheduled today. “Today is the last day I eat carbs for breakfast for like the next three months. I’m starting to feel really gross after all that holiday eating.”

“Oof, preach.” Kyle rubs his stomach. “I don’t think I have abs anymore. He lifts up his shirt and purposely sticks his belly out. Yep, gone.”

“Maybe we should go for a walk in a little bit.” Ali suggests. “I’m supposed to meet Heather for a late lunch now that they’re back from doing holiday time with Dave’s parents. At this rate, I’ll never be hungry enough unless I burn off some of breakfast.”

“I’m game. But first, more coffee and catching up on my gossip.” He sits down on the other side of the couch and pulls out his phone.

Ali just rolls her eyes and sips her own coffee while texting Heather to make final plans.

“Nooo, it was already bad enough when they first switched over! There’s gonna be like a million more changes now and it’s gonna fucking suck!” Kyle whines loudly just a couple minutes later.

“Easy, drama queen. What’s going on?” Ali barely looks up from her phone, more than used to his loud grumbling about nothing important.

“Only that the social media platform which is my livelihood is about to crumble! Front page on CNN, the Instagram Queen is stepping down from the throne. It was fucking bad enough when Facebook bought it and changed a bunch of shit, but now that she’s gone, god knows they’ll fuck it up even worse!” He waves his hand dramatically.

_Ashlyn is stepping down? _“Stepping down as in she’s abandoning it?” Ali stops texting and immediately opens the CNN app to read it for herself. It’s the second headline on the list:_ Instagram Co-Founders Harris and Engen Stepping Down_

“Yeah, apparently Facebook felt threatened even though they own it because Instagram has shown more growth. So they started putting hidden location tracking on Instagram, knowing it was gonna piss off the Instagram founders who were always against it but couldn’t stop them. Seems like it was the last straw in an ongoing tension between them, or so says whoever did the research for this story. The official statement from the Instagram Queen is that they’re resigning so they can put more time into developing new programs. Pssh, like we don’t know it’s because Facebook is ruining Instagram with all their stupid ass changes.” Kyle keeps going on his rant as Ali reads. “Loving how they blindsided Facebook by not telling them before this public announcement though. Total power move!”

“Hmmm totally gutsy move, but obviously the right one. Facebook is making themselves obsolete.” Ali is able to quickly get through the article since it pretty much says everything Kyle just told her. _Damn Ash, good for you. Kicking ass and taking names while still maintaining your integrity…she’s amazing._ She thinks back to the way Ashlyn never talked very highly of Facebook to say the least and is glad to see that she finally felt like she could step away. Her eyes catch the pictures at the bottom of the article. One is of Whitney talking to some people at an event and the other is of Ashlyn and Luz all dressed up in front of a Human Rights Campaign background.

She reads the tiny caption underneath the picture of Ashlyn and Luz, and then immediately reads it again in disbelief: _Harris (left) pictured with fiancée Luz Rainha at the Human Rights Campaign Gala in NYC last month._ Her eyes zone in on the word _fiancée_ for a few seconds before she finds her voice.

“Wait, so Ashlyn Harris and Luz Rainha are engaged?” Ali tries to keep her voice casual. “When did that happen?”

“Please, old news. The Instagram Queen was spotted ring shopping back in October by TMZ and then Luz showed up to that HRC event in December wearing a ring on a very special finger.” Kyle tells her.

“She’s wearing a ring on like every finger, how can one even tell?” Ali motions to her phone and looks closer at Luz’s hand. There’s definitely something with a sizeable gemstone on that finger, but it doesn’t look all that different from the others the woman is wearing.

“Well when you put the ring shopping together with the ring finger, it’s way obvious. Instagram hunny put a ring on it!” Kyle singsongs. “Here.” He hands her his phone with the TMZ article from October.

Sure enough, there’s a grainy picture of Ashlyn with Whitney and Megan holding up a ring at a high-end jewelry store and smiling. _Wow, she really did. _She quickly reads the small paragraph, lingering a bit on the last sentence. _A source inside the store revealed that Harris took almost an hour to pick out a ring saying ‘that’s the one, it’s perfect’ when she found the right one._

“Hmph. So, these two so much as blink and you call me with a Gay Royal Couple update, but you didn’t tell me for a month that they got engaged?” Ali asks in an annoyed tone.

“Down girl!” Kyle looks at sassily. “I thought you didn’t like my Gay Royal Couple gossip updates?”

“Well I don’t, but it’s kind of big news that our future congresswoman is engaged and about to marry another woman.” Ali tries to play it off.

“Ha! Busted! I knew you were invested in the Gay Royal Couple!” Kyle jumps up excitedly. “I mean, how could you not be? They’re so big gay powerful…and hot!”

“I am not! I’m just generally interested in knowing what is going on locally.” Ali doesn’t give in.

“Whatever. Not fooling me one bit, beebee. I’m gonna go shower.” Kyle rolls his eyes at her and heads to the bathroom.

Ali lets out a long breath and goes back to the CNN article, scrolling down and studying the picture of Ashlyn and Luz again. _They really do look good together. _She can’t deny the way they seem to complement each other. It's amazing how different Ashlyn looks just over a year later with her perfectly styled shoulder-length, bleach-blonde hair, but also still so much the same too...still simultaneously beautiful and handsome, still stunning. Her eyes settle back on the word _fiancée _and a lump forms in her throat.

She’s not entirely sure what she feels right now. She just knows that it’s the feeling of one spark of hope extinguishing and a completely different one being lit. _I hope you’re so happy, Ash…and I hope someday you’ll tell me all about it over coffee._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple big life happenings in this one for the other characters...which was your fav?  
Sooo, Paige...are we happy? are we sad? indifferent perhaps?  
Thoughts on how this one ended?
> 
> ***NOTE: I'm now close to present day in this story and then it will start to go into the future. Although I tend to stay on the realistic side and could easily work it in, I've decided not to make the COVID pandemic part of this story. This fic is an escape for me as a writer and it seems to be that way for many of you as well, so I'd like to stay true to that. You can let me know if you feel differently about this approach, but that's my game plan.****


	44. Anomaly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the delay on this update. The writing got longer than I expected and what I originally thought was going to be one long chapter, turned into two long chapters! So, you'll get this chapter today and I'll post the next one on Friday because I don't want you to have too much time between them.
> 
> That said, many of you know by now with my stories that the roller coaster really drops and gets wild before we get to good part. So, here we go on that crazy free-fall drop! Hold on tight, the light at end of the tunnel is near ;-)
> 
> ***Special thanks again to reader ashlnhrrs for the language help!****
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments. Stay safe and well!

Anomaly

** _February 14th, 2020_ **

“They need to just start a reader’s poll on one of these news websites. Like take real bets or something. That’d be fun.” Kyle says as he scrolls through his phone.

“Hmm?” Ali hums distractedly, watching TV while Heather finishes up dinner for their movie night in the kitchen.

“Well the New York Times columnist said they’d have a small ceremony before the election and then a big celebration after. The New York Post is betting on a big post-election shindig. And the New York Daily News is a bit more off trend and guessing a destination type thing in Brazil.” Kyle informs her.

“What?” Ali looks at him impatiently.

“The Gay Royal Wedding, duh.” Kyle rolls his eyes at her.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Again?!” Ali scoffs at him. “Do you actually talk about anything else anymore? I swear to god, get a fucking hobby!” She finds herself yelling at him.

“Alright, geez! Don’t get your panties in a twist.” Kyle makes a face at her, surprised she just snapped at him when she rarely does that. “You’re the one who claimed you weren’t invested and then obviously were invested because you got all pissy that I hadn’t kept you updated on the engagement. And now you’re gonna act like you don’t care when you just said a few weeks ago that you like to know about local stuff. So excuuuuse me for keeping you in the loop.”

“I’m just sick of hearing about it ALL the time. They’re awesome, they’re gay, they’re getting married, yay them! Now can we please move on with our lives?” Ali keeps grumbling.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ll stop talking about it.” Kyle concedes, grimacing when Ali’s cough starts up again and feeling bad that he made her yell when it echoes through the living room.

“Thank you.” Ali croaks out through a few hacking coughs, drinking some water to try and settle it.

“Two weeks and you still sound awful.” Heather comments as she brings two bowls of food into the living room and hands one to Ali. “My famous buffalo chicken chili will knock that cough out in no time.”

“You don’t even know how much I love you.” Ali digs in immediately, the warm and spicy combination already feeling soothing. In the midst of flying to Chicago and back a couple weeks ago for Syd’s baby shower that she helped organize with the grandmothers-to-be, she had managed to catch a cold which has now settled in her chest as usual. “Seriously, this is the best thing you make. Kyle tried to make it last winter when I had one of these stupid colds and he failed miserably.”

“Oh someone is in a bitch ass mood today. Chest cold, PMS, and being single on V-Day all combining forces to create one snippy super villain.” Kyle raises an eyebrow at her.

“Sure you don’t want some dinner?” Heather jumps in with the hope of diffusing the situation.

“Thanks love, but I’m about to head out. I have a client haircut scheduled for 6:30pm. This eternally single, gay stylist has nothing better to do than help others look good for their dates tonight.” Kyle points to himself jokingly and walks over to Ali, bending down to kiss her on the forehead. “Love you, moody pants. Feel better.” He gives her a mirthful grin.

“Sorry about before. I’m just tired and still feeling crappy.” She smiles up at him and reaches for his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thanks for hanging out this afternoon, and for the flowers and home spa kit. Love you.”

“You’re welcome, beebee. Pretty sure I’m the one who made out like a bandit with this new clipper set though. Can’t wait to try them tonight!” Kyle says appreciatively as he puts the box into his backpack. “Happy V-Day lovelies!” He gives them a wave as he makes his way out.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Heathers calls out to him, settling herself more comfortably next to Ali on the couch. “Sure you’re ok? He’s right, you were mighty snippy back there.”

“Yeah, just worn down from this cough keeping me up at night. And you haven’t heard him before today, but he has been obsessed with Luz Rainha and Ashlyn Harris gossip. Like he never stops talking about them and it’s starting to drive me crazy.” Ali explains.

“Oh yeah, I read about them. Well mostly about Luz because I’m gonna vote for her obviously, but pretty cool people. Anyway, isn’t he always obsessed with some celebrity couple or another?” Heather asks.

“Oh definitely, but he’s gone to a whole new level. He calls them the ‘Gay Royal Couple’.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“Ha, what a weirdo!” Heather laughs. “I could see how that gets annoying.”

“Exactly. So, add in this stupid cough and him being right that I’m PMSing too…and ta-da, instant bitch.” Ali laughs at herself. “So are you totally bummed that Dave is working tonight?” She changes the subject.

“Nah, it’s okay. We’ve been together long enough that we don’t need Valentine’s Day to appreciate each other. Definitely sucks that we’re stuck with crappy hospital shifts again since we were gone so long, but it was worth it. We’ll go out to dinner tomorrow and it’ll be a million times less crowded anyway. Plus, I’m all about this movie night with my bestie.” She lightly taps Ali’s leg.

“You’re the best Valentine’s date I’ve ever had, that’s for damn sure.” Ali smiles at her and happily holds up her bowl of food.

“Speaking of, been in touch with Paige at all?” Heather asks curiously.

“Nope, but I didn’t expect to be. I certainly didn’t pursue keeping in touch.” Ali shrugs. “Syd has talked to her a couple times, and they definitely had some words where Syd told her she was shocked by her level of insensitivity. And then Paige felt bad and texted me another apology, but that was it. So, she’s probably some mix of embarrassed, guilty, and likely pissed by how dramatically I reacted to the whole thing. I don’t think that bodes well for a friendship.”

“You definitely weren’t dramatic.” Heather says frankly.

“Yeah, but to someone like her who really doesn’t get what it was like, I can see how it comes off as super dramatic.” Ali takes a more realistic view even if she has no regrets.

“I suppose. Well, call me dramatic too then.” Heather remembers her own haunting experience of evacuating school and then clinging to Dave for the better part of an hour inside the random restaurant they ran into escape the huge dust cloud from the towers collapsing. “I guess I forget how lucky I am to be married to the person that went through it with me. That’s never been something we’ve had to work to understand about each other, maybe something we’ve even taken for granted.” She muses out loud.

“Lucky indeed.” Ali agrees. “Now put the movie on already before you end up being that Valentine’s Day date that ruins the evening by never shutting up.” She teases.

“Well then, you’re definitely the most direct and demanding date I’ve ever had. It’s kinda hot.” Heather plays back.

“That’s because Dave is a bit of a push-over, but I can teach him some things.” Ali laughs.

Heather taps her chin for a second. “Nah, I like being the dominant one.” She replies as a devilish smile grows on her face.

“HAO!” Ali lightly smacks her leg.

“Please, you taught me everything I know!” Heather shoots her a look.

“Facts.” Ali shrugs with a laugh.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _February 29, 2020_ **

“This is the kind of wedding I always pictured for myself.” Luz whispers softly, her head rested on Ashlyn’s shoulder as they sway on the dance floor with a few other couples to James Arthur’s _Just Say You Won’t Let Go._

“Hmm?” Ashlyn asks distractedly, smiling to herself as she looks at Crystal and Pierre caught up in each other while they dance a few feet away.

“You okay, xuxu? I know it was a long day.” Luz pulls back a bit and finds Ashlyn’s eyes.

“Yeah I’m great. Exhausted, but happy.” Ashlyn smiles at her warmly. She’s hasn’t had many days as emotionally taxing in a good way as this one.

Even though Crystal and Pierre had a wedding planner to do all the work, Ashlyn had spent the day making sure everyone was exactly where they should be at all times. Being the one to walk Crystal down the aisle and make a speech were poignant moments she’ll never forget, bursting with pride at how far Crystal has come and beyond content in knowing that she is so well taken care of and happy. To know that Crystal has gotten what she truly deserves means more than she can properly explain.

“I’m just really, really happy for them.” Ashlyn says softly, taking one more glance at the blissful newlyweds before looking back at Luz. “And for some reason that has totally wiped me out.” She chuckles lightly.

“Of course it has. You’re the sweetest person in the world.” Luz kisses her cheek and hugs her close.

“So I’m sorry, what did you say before?” Ashlyn asks, rubbing Luz’s lower back with her hand while they dance.

“Just that this is the kind of wedding I always pictured for myself.” Luz repeats. “Really small, but elegant and meaningful. I guess maybe because, like Crystal, my close family and friends are limited. I think maybe the only exception is that I never wanted to do the church thing like they did, not even a progressive one. Still, everything was so beautiful today and it felt just as much like a fairytale as if they had done something bigger. I don’t know, it was just nice.” She elaborates. “What about you?”

“I think today was perfect too.” Ashlyn kisses her forehead before realizing what she’s asking. “I’ve honestly never pictured my wedding. Like I’ve gotten to the point where I proposed to someone obviously, but as far as the wedding itself… just never got that far.” She brushes it off. The only time she ever pictured something wedding related was when she was dancing with Ali in her living room to what she always thought would be her first dance song.

Luz nods knowingly about the history with Sloane and leans up to kiss her deeply before finding her eyes again. “Doesn’t really matter what the wedding is like if you’re marrying your person, sim?”

“Sim, meu fogo.” Ashlyn smiles and kisses her again before pulling Luz snuggly against her chest. She buries her nose into her girlfriend’s hair and uses the tranquil moment to try and picture what their wedding might look like. When the song soon ends and she hasn’t been able to picture anything one way or another, she briefly wonders if that means anything. Before she can think on it any further, she and Luz are sandwiched between Crystal and Pierre as the music changes to something upbeat…the entire line of thought gone as easily as it came.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _March 8, 2020_ **

“Alright, tell me everything about Christmas in Jamaica.” Ali asks Nancy excitedly as they settle at a corner table at the café, finally finding time to catch up over coffee.

“It was incredible!” Nancy says with enthusiasm. “I never pictured myself as that person who spends Christmas on a beach, but now I want to do it every year. It was so relaxing and I didn’t miss a damn thing about traditional Christmas décor when I was in the hot sun sipping a million different rum drinks.”

“That actually sounds pretty amazing.” Ali agrees. “Look at you, two big trips in one year. What happened to never leave New York Nancy? You’re truly Nancy Fancy Pants now.” She shakes her head in disbelief with a giggle.

“Tell me about it. When I got divorced I always said I’d travel more, but I just never did.” Nancy muses.

“You know, I said the same thing when I divorced Brian. I swear it’s something divorced women tell themselves to make going through the divorce itself worth it.” Ali replies knowingly. “I’ve traveled of course, but never quite like I said I would. Too busy for that.”

“Exactly!” Nancy nods. “Anyway, now that my sister got divorced last year, she’s on that same traveling kick and it was definitely the motivation I needed. She’s the one who came up with the idea of us going to Jamaica and we’re thinking of going to Italy in the fall.”

“Oh wow, that would be a fun trip. Do it!” Ali encourages her.

“Think I just might.” Nancy sips her coffee. “Anyway, how have you been. No offense, but you look kind of burnt out. Everything ok?”

“Totally fine. I just have a really annoying cough that’s been lingering from this cold I caught. It mostly just drives me crazy at night, so I haven’t slept well in over a month. I feel fine otherwise though.” Ali assures her.

“Did you get it checked out?” Nancy eyes her with concern.

“Oh yeah, been to the doctor twice now. They can’t hear any rattling and I’m not having trouble breathing at all, so no pneumonia worries and I’m supposed to just use my usual rescue inhaler if I need it. They gave me that cough medicine with codeine in it to sleep too, but it has never done anything for me, so pretty useless.” Ali replies.

“You poor thing. Were you sick over Christmas?” Nancy asks.

“Nope, think I caught it when I flew to Chicago for Sydney’s baby shower in January.” Ali tells her.

“That’s right, she’s due soon isn’t she?” Nancy remembers.

“Yep, officially due in like a week, but it could be any day now. I’m so excited!” Ali squeaks.

“I bet you are. Being an aunt is the best because you get to snuggle them and then give them back when they start crying. Don’t tell Kyle, but I always gave him back faster because he was so squirmy and fussy as a baby.” Nancy gets a loud laugh from Ali. “So, what else is new? Any more dating blunders I should know about?”

“God no, I’m happily living the single life.” Ali easily waves it off, but it does prompt her to go ahead and ask something that has been on her mind. “That kind of reminds me…what’s your take on Ashlyn being engaged? I assume you knew she was going to propose. I ask because she seems like she’s happy and doing really well, which makes me glad for her, but there’s a nagging part of me that wanted to confirm that you see it that way too.”

“Well my take is as good as yours.” Nancy shrugs. “She actually stopped sessions with me back in very early October and she never mentioned she was proposing or anything like that. All I know is what I see in the newspaper, same as you.”

“Oh.” Ali sits silently for a few seconds, not sure what to say. “Why didn’t you tell me that when we had lunch right before Thanksgiving?”

“Wasn’t intentional. We were talking mostly about Paige and what had happened. Plus, we had recently talked a little about Ashlyn the time we met up before that after the 9/11 Memorial. And then you also didn’t ask about her again, so I figured maybe you didn’t want to talk about it…especially with all the Paige stuff.” Nancy shrugs. “Not that there was much to tell. It was at a point where our sessions weren’t necessarily progress-based and more like little check-ins. She was feeling like she was in a really stable and healthy place, and in a healthy relationship where things were good. So, she figured it was time to stop sessions together and just check back in with me if she needed to. I haven’t heard from her since.”

_In a stable and healthy relationship, she’s happy and ready to get married…of course she stopped therapy. _“Makes sense.” Ali nods. “Seems like she really found someone great and she looks so lit up and happy. Can’t say it didn’t surprise me a little how quick it was, but I’m honestly thrilled for her. And the whole moving on from Facebook thing too, makes me feel proud.”

“And again, I’ll tell you that it’s ok if you’re not thrilled for her. You’re allowed to feel other things.” Nancy reminds her with a skeptical look.

“No, really. There was definitely that little moment of disappointment, of course there was. But it also makes the future less uncertain and more clear for me. It’s off the table and it doesn’t leave me wandering around in no man’s land. I can just be happy for her and do my own thing, a lot simpler that way.” Ali explains.

“Sure, I can certainly see how that simplifies things.” Nancy nods, and sips her coffee to decide if she wants to say what’s on her mind and potentially unsimplify things. “Still…” She pauses for a second and then lets the words come out. “For everything I’ve seen and heard, I’m not sure I’ve ever thought that Luz Rainha was a perfect fit.”

“As opposed to…” Ali trails off, not asking directly but still wanting to be crystal clear on what Nancy is saying.

“I brought you two together in the first place, my stance on why remains the same.” Nancy gives Ali a meaningful look, knowing she understands perfectly well, simple or not.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _March 11, 2020_ **

“Yeeew! This is really fucking coming together. We’re actually so close now!” Ashlyn exclaims happily, the big picture really striking her now that they’ve approved the final rollout plan. The extra time they’ve gained from no longer dealing with Instagram maintenance has been beyond valuable even despite the lower profits coming in the last couple months. All that’s left now is to stick tight to their production schedule so that everything is on time, and execute…a new and hopefully lucrative app now right on the horizon.

“If you told me a year ago we’d be at this point by now, I would’ve laughed at you.” Kameryn adds. “It’s crazy how fast we’ve pulled it together.”

“I’m just good like that.” Megan pretends to buff her nails and earns a couple of eye rolls. “Excuse me! Let’s not forget I was the one with the idea of getting high school volunteers and college interns to beef up the media databases without drowning ourselves in debt.”

“Hear ye, hear ye! The twerp CFO has finally contributed to something!” Whitney announces as she closes the binders on the conference room table.

“Unlike the uptight CTO who thought we should stay away from covering unrated movies in the database. Could you be any less fun? Nope!” Megan quips back.

“She’s got you there, Watson. Might’ve been one of your most uptight moment to date…such a pansy.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Second that! Unrated movies have the best sex scenes. Live a little, woman!” Kameryn adds.

“Third it!” Megan piles on just to be ass.

“You’re not funny.” Whitney narrows her eyes at Megan. “Just for that you can all fend for yourselves when the FCC comes knocking at our door.” She challenges back even though she knows they’re not pushing any legal or content boundaries in any way.

“If you actually thought that would happen, you never would’ve let us win that argument in the first place.” Ashlyn smirks and wraps her arm around Whitney’s shoulders.

“I hate how well you know me.” Whitney pretend huffs.

“No you don’t. I’m forever the Sherlock to your Watson and you love me.” Ashlyn kisses her cheek for good measure.

“Well, if you’re giving out free sugar…” Kameryn jokingly taps her own cheek.

“Control yourself woman, your boo is gonna join us for dinner in like half an hour.” Megan teases.

“And I’m sure she’ll want some sugar from Ash too.” Kameryn says matter-of-factly.

“And I’m sure the very-likely-to-sting Queen Bee who guards that sugar might have something to say about it.” Megan nudges Ashlyn.

“First of all, she’s busy tonight and not joining us. But you’re forgetting that Luz thinks Kelley is adorable and would probably give her some sugar herself.” Ashlyn banters back. “Besides, she only stings if you’re an asshole…which probably gives you like a 50/50 chance, Pinoe.”

“Harsh, butch.” Megan retorts.

“Speaking of my adorable wife, she’s probably already downstairs waiting in the lobby.” Kameryn looks at her watch. “She said she’d walk over with us. Does Sue actually get to have dinner with us for once instead of serving us?” She asks Megan.

“Unfortunately she’s working, but she said she’ll take her break with us.” Megan replies.

“I suppose that’ll be enough time for us to talk smack about you while you’re right there.” Kameryn deadpans.

“I’ll get in on that.” Whitney joins in.

“Sure, go ahead. Just remember who actually makes sure you all get your paychecks. Just saying.” Megan says casually.

“Well, technically _I_ do…but you go on with your bad self.” Ashlyn shuts her down.

“CEO with the buuurn!” Kameryn laughs as Megan scowls.

“Alright, I’m gonna need like twenty minutes to get all these binders and stuff put away. The twerp can help me and you two can go meet Kelley and head over. Grab us a table and we’ll be over soon.” Whitney shoves two big binders into Megan’s hands.

“’I’m only helping because I know it must be hard to put these heavy binders back on the shelves with that stick wedged so far up your ass.” Megan zings Whitney one more time. “See you there, bitches!” She grabs one more binder and walks out of the conference room with a glaring Whitney right behind her.

“So, does Kelley just love NYC or does she always travel with you?” Ashlyn asks curiously as she and Kameryn wait for the elevator. It’s one of those things that she’s wondered about a few times now since Kelley makes the trip to NYC like ninety percent of the time.

“She pretty much travels with me anytime she can and vice versa. Her job makes it easy because she’s self-employed and a lot of her life coaching clients aren’t even local to D.C. Much of what she does is through video chats, phone calls, and online presentations. Why?” Kameryn quirks her eyebrow.

“Just curious. It’s really sweet how you two always want to be around each other even being together this long.” Ashlyn remarks. “Don’t you ever feel like you want some time to yourself though? I dunno, maybe I’m just one of those people who has always liked my alone time even when I’m with someone.”

“Every time I tell myself I want some alone time, I just end up missing Kell. I just love being around her and never seem to get enough of it. We have our moments when we need a minute, but we’re usually together anytime we can be, and we like it that way.” Kameryn says easily.

“I have never not wanted my alone time.” Ashlyn knows the statement isn’t completely true the second it leaves her mouth. Ali was a majorly notable exception to that. She had missed the woman constantly between sessions and wished she would never leave when it was time to end for the day. Given what Kameryn just said, it makes her question for a second if it’s weird that she doesn’t feel that way about Luz. “I mean, I love Luz…she keeps me on my toes and draws me in. I love talking to her and being around her, but I’m still appreciative of the couple nights a week that we’re apart too. I feel like I need that peace. God knows if she and I spent every minute together, something would either implode or explode…take your pick.” She chuckles softly as she thinks out loud.

“That’s probably true for a lot of couples. Certainly not the first time I’ve heard that.” Kameryn reassures her.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods and stays quiet as they ride the elevator down, her mind now debating whether she would’ve eventually felt the same way about time away from Ali. She can’t settle on an answer either way because it was such a unique situation, the circumstances of which strictly limited their time together to begin with and made it far from the reality of an actual relationship. She knows there’s no sense in comparing, but something about the difference with Luz must have subconsciously bothered her enough to bring up the topic with Kameryn.

“Besides, Kell and I spent our first year doing the whole long distance thing. I’m sure that has a lot to do with it.” Kameryn adds thoughtfully as the elevator opens. “Or maybe we’re just big weirdos.”

“Who’s a big weirdo?” Kelley is actually waiting for them right by the elevators rather than in the lobby.

“Hi, babe.” Kameryn gives her a quick kiss. “Well, Ash was just asking me how it’s possible that I never get sick of you when we’re together so much. And I was just saying that you’re a big weirdo, so what’s not to love.” She pinches Kelley’s cheek and smiles when her wife narrows her eyes at her.

“That is so not what happened.” Ashlyn puts her hands up defensively. “What I actually asked was if you two travel everywhere together or just to NYC. And I asked because I’ve always been one of those people that likes their alone time no matter who I’m with. I think it’s amazing that you two love being together every minute you can be, but I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. So, I’m clearly the weirdo.”

Kelley stands there quietly for a second, evaluating why Ashlyn might care to compare her own relationship dynamic to theirs before realizing. “Even with Ali?” She doesn’t mince words.

“What?” Ashlyn is taken off-guard by the question.

“You just said you’ve always liked your alone time no matter who you’re with. Was it that way with Ali?” Kelley repeats the question and sees Kameryn’s eyes get wider.

“Right into the heart of fucking bullseye as usual.” Ashlyn shakes her head and motions for them to start walking to the bar.

“Mess with the bull, you get the horns.” Kameryn takes Kelley’s hand and links her free arm with Ashlyn’s.

“Think we all know it was different with Ali, but the whole thing was so far from reality that I shouldn’t be comparing to begin with.” Ashlyn finally answers.

“How so?” Kelley wants the full explanation.

“I pretty much saw her twice a week for a few hours at a time and knowing the end was always looming. So, the missing her thing was built in because I got far more time away from her than with her. Plus, it was never a real relationship.” Ashlyn rationalizes. “I dunno, I guess I was just starting to question whether the situation with Ali was a total anomaly for me or if I should be concerned that I don’t feel that way now?”

“Neither.” Kelley says with her usual simplicity. “I don’t think feeling the way you did with Ali was an anomaly, no more than me and Kam are. I also don’t think it’s weird that you like your space from Luz sometimes. Every couple has a different balance, right? Plenty of long-time couples say they’d kill each other if they spent all their time together, and they’re perfectly happy. Seems like the more important thing is finding whatever the balance is and maintaining it.”

“Not to mention that you and Luz balance somewhere between the edge of the airplane door and free-falling towards the ground at max speed. At some point you gotta pull that solo parachute or you’ll get squashed like a bug.” Kameryn adds her two cents.

“Funny.” Ashlyn shoots her a mocking look, but actually feels more relieved. “Gotta admit that I like hurtling towards the ground at max speed more than I thought I would.” She grins.

“Oh I bet you do. Luz is…” Kelley let’s out a low whistle. “Just talking to her gives me a thrill.” She waggles her eyebrows.

“Kell!” Kameryn nudges her.

“What?! Speaking as a slightly dominant person, I’m just saying is that it’s a little exciting to be around someone who’s more pervasively dominant.” Kelley defends herself.

“Oh really now? Hmph, you’re so gonna wish you didn’t say that.” Kameryn eyes her wife with insinuation.

“Baby, something tells me I’m gonna wish I said it sooner.” Kelley bites her lip.

“Ok, and this conversation took a major turn.” Ashlyn shakes her head at them. “Good talk, ladies. Thanks for that.”

“Oh, now here’s a question! Luz is obviously dominant, but you strike me as that way too. How does that work itself out?” Kelley asks unabashedly.

“Well we pretty much go from like 0 to 100 in less than a minute and it just amplifies from there until we both can’t take anymore. But I’m more like a slow and teasing dominant and she’s more like a passionate frenzy dominant, and so we sort of even out somewhere in between.” Ashlyn answers just as directly as she was asked.

“That sounds like chaotic hotness.” Kameryn considers it.

“To say the least.” Ashlyn smirks as they reach the bar, her mood shifting towards being satisfied by the good things rather than hesitant over what she might be missing.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _April 4, 2020_ **

“Want to hold him now that he’s done?” Syd asks after baby Cassius burps, expertly wrapping him back up in his blanket even as she taps his back a couple more times.

“I’d love to!” Ali eagerly holds her arms out. Dom had picked her up from the airport and when they got to the house, Sydney was in the middle of breastfeeding the baby. Ali had sat there mesmerized, watching him eat with his little hand curled around Sydney’s fingers and his toes wiggling. It’s not like she hasn’t seen someone breastfeed before, but something about watching her best friend in this new role had left her awestruck.

“You’re perfect.” Ali whispers as Cassius makes tiny noises against her chest, her eyes glued to his sweet little face and tiny lips. Her heart melts in a way she doesn’t even understand and when she eventually looks up, Sydney and Dom are holding hands and looking at her in a way she’s never seen before.

“What?” Ali asks softly.

The couple turns to give each other a smile before Dom speaks up. “So, the three of us have something we wanted to ask you. If you’ll just open up his blanket a bit…” He instructs.

“Ok.” Ali carefully shifts the baby in her arms and gently loosens the blanket to reveal the onesie he’s wearing, her eyes falling on the words written on it: _Will you be my godmother? _“Oh my gosh! Really?” Her eyes immediately tear up.

“Really.” Sydney tears up right along with her.

“You two with the crying. This is a happy thing.” Dom shakes his head at them. “My brother is going to be his godfather. We knew we wanted you two even before we knew we were having him. Could not ask for better people. So, will you?”

“I’d be honored to. Yes.” Ali replies happily, fanning her eyes with one hand in an effort not to blubber all over the baby. “You guys…I’m…so happy right now. I’m so in love.” She kisses the top of Cassius’ head and breathes him in. “Literally perfect.” She repeats again before composing herself. “So, tell me everything. How are you guys feeling?”

“Tired. He’s like taking care of a tiny drunk person.” Dom laughs and gets lightly slapped by Syd.

“He’s a week old and I swear to god it has already been the ride of my life.” Syd leans back against the couch. “First, he was so damn late that I was ready to reach into my own vagina to pull him out. Then the contractions started and I must have yelled at Dom like 100 times to shove him back in.”

“She’s not kidding.” Dom grimaces. “That shit was intense. Women are superhuman and you can’t tell me anything different.”

“It took you this long to realize?” Ali teases him and Dom just shrugs. “How’s the healing?”

“Actually not totally awful, the tearing was pretty minimal thank god. As least the soreness isn’t as bad when I walk now, the first two days were hell. The breastfeeding still feels like someone clamped a binder clip on my nipple and then sucked it into a damn vacuum for good measure, but I’m getting used to it. Oh and I’m pretty sure I’ll never go to the bathroom again without holding my breath so I don’t scream.” Syd replies with brutal honesty.

“Ok, that actually sounds horrendous.” Ali cringes.

“The weird thing is that I’m obviously roughed up, but it’s like I don’t even care.” Syd does her best to explain it. “Like you know how I don’t do sickness and bodily fluid stuff?” She asks and gets a nod from Ali. “A couple days ago, I’m doing skin-to-skin time with him after breastfeeding like the nurses told me to do. So I’m topless and he’s naked against my chest, and it’s going great for like five minutes before he spits up on me. So I sit up just a bit to reach for the burp cloth, and he poops and pees all over me at the same time!”

“See! How is that not like a tiny drunk person?!” Dom challenges.

“He has a point.” Ali sides with Dom.

“Yeah, yeah, ok.” Syd concedes. “Anyway, the point is that I’m covered in pee, poop, and spit-up and I was totally fine with it. Like I actually laughed and thought it was cute! Who even am I? Do you see what I mean?”

“Aww, babes…you’re a total bad ass momma!” Ali smiles at her. “Besides, how could anyone find him anything but cute? He’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.” She kisses Cassius’ head again only to hear a squishy farting noise.

“Right on cue. We’re really gonna have to work on your method of charming the ladies, mate.” Dom laughs and gently takes Cassius from Ali. “I’ll handle it. He’ll be fresh and right back for more auntie snuggles in a jiffy.”

“He’s so good with him.” Ali comments as she watches Dom expertly cradle the baby against him and talk to him softly as he walks over to the nursery.

“Right?” Syd smiles. “I can’t get enough of it. I kind of assumed it would take him a little bit to get into the groove of being a dad, but he’s a complete natural. Better than I am honestly. It’s simultaneously the cutest and hottest thing I’ve ever seen…add the hormones and I’m a fucking wreck.”

“I’m an emotional wreck and all you did was ask me to be a godmother, so I can’t even imagine.” Ali sympathizes. “It really means the world to me by the way. I don’t even have the words, but I promise you I’ll protect and love him forever with my whole heart and soul.”

“Oh god, stop. I just warned you about the hormones.” Syd wipes at her eyes before reaching out so Ali will come closer for a hug. “I love the hell out of you, Ali-gator...there was no other choice.”

“Love you too.” Ali gives her another squeeze.

“Alright, enough of this cryfest. How are you doing?” Syd checks in with her since Dom is still off changing the baby.

“Tired of being tired, but otherwise good.” Ali replies matter-of-factly. “My damn cough is finally starting to go away a bit, but two months of not sleeping very well definitely took a toll. I’m exhausted and still trying to catch up.”

“Sounds a lot like being a new parent. You’ve come to the right place.” Syd jokes, but can definitely see that Ali looks worn down. “I’d say that you’ll get rest this weekend, but it’s Team No-Sleep in this house. He may be cute, but he sucks at sleeping through the night.”

“Please, I’m gonna show that baby boy of yours that Auntie Ali is the life of the party. You two boring ass parents can go to bed while we stay up and binge watch Disney movies.” Ali giggles.

“You go right ahead. I’ll be sleeping while my boobs leak milk all over the bed.” Syd says candidly.

“Seriously?” Ali asks.

“Oh yeah, it’s very sexy. I either breastfeed or pump every 2 to 3 hours or wake up in a damn puddle of lactated bliss.” Syd laughs.

“Sorry I asked.” Ali scrunches up her nose.

“Somebody is all ready to get back to auntie snuggles.” Dom walks in and hands Cassius back to Ali.

“I could do this forever.” Ali cuddles him close, taken by the way he grips her finger.

“Mhmm, we’ll check back in about that after he poops on you a few more times.” Syd laughs and turns to Dom. “Ok babe cakes, you’ve been a Daddy rock star and I love you in crazy ways, but Als can help me out for the weekend. So, get in some down time. Go nap, go get a haircut, whatever you want. Just go get in some time for yourself while you have it.”

“Yep, I’m locked in and ready for baby duty. Both of you take some time.” Ali adds.

“You sure?” Dom hesitates.

“Go.” Syd lightly pushes him before pulling him back in for a quick kiss. “Just bring back something good for dinner, that’s all I ask.”

“Got it.” Dom pecks her again and goes to change into some workout clothes.

“Well, somebody’s out like a light.” Ali whispers, shifting Cassius so that he can sleep more comfortably against her chest.

“I guess Auntie Ali has comfy boobies.” Syd jokes.

“Not compared to those.” Ali motions to Syd’s chest.

“Yeah, this is definitely a perk.” Syd sticks out her boobs to showcase them.

Ali gets caught up in looking at Cassius’ little facial features again, feeling so much love and warmth inside. She’s almost baffled by it and it makes her wonder if maybe she wants this in her life more than she ever realized. She tries to picture what that would look like, if she would even be capable of doing the single mom thing, but her eyes feel heavy and tired…too exhausted to think on it any further despite having slept on the plane.

“My godson. We’re gonna be best friends, Cash.” She whispers in awe and lets her eyes close, drifting off into the most peaceful sleep she’s gotten in months.

“Life of the party my ass.” Syd laughs to herself, beaming while watching Ali and Cassius snooze and tearing up again at the way her best friend holds her son so lovingly, as protectively as if he was her own. She gets up quietly and finds the perfect angle, taking a picture on her phone that she knows will end up framed in both of their homes.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _May 16, 2020_ **

“You look so hot, xuxu.” Luz fixes Ashlyn’s bowtie and kisses her romantically, sliding her hands slightly under the back of the tux jacket. “I’m about to pull you into that dressing room and…” She mumbles against Ashlyn’s lips and kisses her again.

“Mmm, another one.” Ashlyn request as Luz starts to pull away, gripping her girlfriend’s hips a little tighter and letting herself get caught up in another kiss.

“Behave. We’re already giving them enough of a show.” Luz taps Ashlyn’s lips with her finger before pecking her one more time and using her head to motion to where a couple people with cameras are outside trying to snap pictures through the storefront window. “Gonna be fun to see all the stories in the morning about how we’re non-traditional because I’m helping you pick your tux.” She rolls her eyes.

“Oh yeah, front page worthy I’m sure. Apparently, being fake engaged is more interesting than the news that we’re actually not engaged.” Ashlyn laughs. Poor Becky has now put out three official statements and contacted every media outlet with a correction, but only the New York Times even bothered to print a correction and of course put it on the second-to-last page in tiny print where nobody would read it.

“Gender norm de merda! Doesn’t even matter that we’re two women, they’d still rather a married woman as a representative than a single one!” Luz raises her voice in disgust and tenses up.

“Easy there, meu fogo. You’re getting all fired up, and you know what that does to me.” Ashlyn raises her eyebrows. “I can’t be pulling you into that dressing room and coming back out here looking all disheveled with those cameras on us.” She kisses her softly again and can actually feel Luz loosen up. “You wouldn’t want to be the skanky congresswoman who gets down in public.”

“Who you calling skanky?” Luz eyes her.

“Sexy…I said sexy.” Ashlyn covers for herself with a smirk.

“Better, mentirosa.” Luz pinches Ashlyn’s side.

“Plus, I’m sure it’s way more about sex than politics.” Ashlyn adds playfully. “The congresswoman and the computer geek…can you imagine the fantasies running through the minds of the dirty men in this district right now?”

“Don’t stereotype, xuxu. I’m sure there are plenty of dirty women fantasizing just the same.” Luz smirks. “And no, I don’t want to imagine.”

“Well you’re no fun.” Ashlyn teases her.

“You know what actually bothers me?” Luz rests her head on Ashlyn shoulder.

“What?” Ashlyn asks.

“That they took away the power of it for it us. Now when we announce a real engagement, the excitement is kind of gone because they already think we’re engaged.” Luz sighs.

Ashlyn’s stomach drops, a wave of anxiety hitting her so suddenly that almost makes her gasp. She doesn’t quite understand where it came from. They were just joking about being engaged and married a minute ago and it was fine. Somehow it’s not fine now that Luz has made it clear that them being engaged and married are a forgone conclusion in her mind. “Yeah.” She whispers and swallows hard, realizing that this weird anxiety inside can only mean one thing…that it’s not a forgone conclusion in her own mind. _Why?_

“You ok?” Luz asks, unsure of Ashlyn’s silence.

“Mhmm. Just thinking that it wouldn’t matter in theory because it would still be really exciting to us, right?” Ashlyn chooses more hypothetical words in an attempt to calm whatever is going on with herself.

“Sim, you’re right.” Luz finds Ashlyn’s eyes, smiling and adjusting her girlfriend’s bowtie again. “Way too hot for your own good.”

“Will you two stop eye fucking and actually help?” Megan interrupts them.

“Damn, Pinoe. Look at you!” Ashlyn is glad for the interruption. “I wasn’t sure when you said you thought maybe an all-white suit…but, holy fuck. Woah.”

“Ei, Meg! You look dashing!” Luz agrees completely. “Not quite as sharp as the wedding party, but very close.” She teases as she wraps an arm around Ashlyn’s waist. “I think the look of navy tuxes with white collared shirts for the wedding party, but then all white for you is great contrast for pictures. And Sue is doing some kind of white skirt suit, right? So you’re complementary to each other as well as to the wedding party, but still stand out as a couple too.”

“Exactly what she said, but I think you need a pop.” Ashlyn looks Megan over. “I would go navy bowtie and maybe a navy pocket square for you. That’ll give you slight color pop, but still ties everything together.”

“You should be in fashion, xuxu. Want to take over my company for me while I fight the powers in DC?” Luz smiles at her.

“Yes, butchie! I love that idea. Let me get the saleslady to grab something like that and we can try it.” Megan says eagerly as she looks herself over the mirror again and then back to Ashlyn. “You look damn good yourself. Luz is right, that tux on you is prime. I just hope to god the rest of the wedding party can pull it off half as well as you do.”

“Doubt it, but they’ll look good enough. Besides we have almost a year to get all the suits tailored to make the rest of wedding party look like they have Ash’s body.” Luz laughs even as Ashlyn turns a bit red.

“See, I told you we weren’t doing fittings too early.” Megan nudges Ashlyn. “Hayseed is gonna be shocked when she finds out I picked something white and not black or gray.”

“Not if the surprise gets ruined in the newspaper tomorrow morning.” Ashlyn motions to the cameras outside.

“Pssh, why do you think I brought you two with me? If I came without you, they’d assume my suit was the wedding party look and blast it all over. But, since you’re both here and practically feeling each other up…all the attention goes right to you and boom, no one gives a shit what I’m dressed in right now.” Megan smiles like an evil genius.

“Traitor!” Ashlyn exclaims. “I thought you actually wanted my help.”

“Weeeell, I do. I love you butch and I have always trusted your keen eye for fashion, and you’re really good… but nowhere near as good as her. She’s the fashion queen.” Megan points to Luz who just smiles and nods in agreement. “And she comes as like a package deal with you…who is the absolute stud of my wedding party. So you see, a pretty face who brings along the fashion virtuoso, you’re totally helping.”

“Oh, asshole traitor then.” Ashlyn shoots her a look.

“But she does speak the truth.” Luz doesn’t bother being modest. “Now you stop pouting and serve me a few more looks in that sexy tux.” She tells Ashlyn before turning to Megan. “And you go get that navy bowtie and pocket square so we can see if it looks right.”

“Yes my queen.” Megan bows playfully and goes to find the saleslady.

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself. She’ll bend the knee to any woman who smiles at her.” Ashlyn comments when Luz smirks at her cockily.

“Oh I know, child’s play. But it’s amusing when it’s so easy.” Luz giggles.

“Thought you didn’t like it easy?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow flirtatiously.

“I don’t.” Luz smirks. “But sometimes…” She suddenly yanks Ashlyn into the dressing room and presses her against the wall. “Easy is fun.”

“I like fun.” Ashlyn mutters against her girlfriend’s lips.

“You have exactly two minutes of fun before I’m the skanky congresswoman.” Luz warns her.

“I only need one.” Ashlyn smirks and slides her hand into Luz’s pants, the low moan in her ear the only thing on her mind right now.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _June 23, 2020_ **

“Alexandra Krieger and Kyle Krieger.” The nurse calls out both of their names and Kyle stands up right along with Ali, both of them following her back to an exam room that is setup more like a small office.

“Dr. Feinberg will be right in.” The nurse informs them and shuts the door behind her.

Ali settles into one of the chairs in front of the desk and checks her email on her phone, eventually looking up to find Kyle playing around with a medical flashlight that’s attached to the wall. “Seriously, it wasn’t embarrassing enough last year when he walked in while you were testing your own reflexes?”

“Well excuse me for trying to keep myself entertained.” Kyle reluctantly plops down into the chair beside her. “You’re right, this is much more fun.” He says sarcastically just as they hear a knock on the door.

“My favorite siblings. How are we doing today?” Dr. Feinberg walks into the room with a smile and sits behind the desk.

“We’re good. And you gave me enough time to get Kyle to stop playing with your exam tools before you walked in.” Ali jokes.

“That’s too bad, I was counting on seeing his face turn as red as last time.” Dr. Feinberg doesn’t miss a beat while logging into the computer on the desk. “What’s mine is yours, Kyle.”

“In that case, I’ll take that vacation home in Hamptons you never stop talking about.” Kyle sasses.

“In that case, I take it back and refer you to the doctor-patient care boundaries.” Dr. Feinberg plays back, finally getting their files up on the computer. “You two want me to give you last week’s scan results together as usual?”

“Yep, the family that lung scans together, stays together.” Ali laughs at her own joke.

“And I’m the embarrassing one? Riiight.” Kyle rolls his eyes.

“So Kyle, your scan came back negative. Everything looks good like last year, no changes and bronchial airways and alveoli are clear and free of fluid. Nothing I’m concerned with.” Dr. Feinberg says straight-forwardly.

“Free and clear is like my trademark.” Kyle jokes through his usual relief at the news.

“Ali, given that you were dealing with some bronchitis and a persistent cough for the last several months, I was surprised to see no fluid in the air sacs themselves, airways also clear and not constricted at all…that’s a good thing. That being said, there was an anomaly on the scan that I want discuss with you.” Dr. Feinberg tells her plainly.

“Uh...ok.” Ali barely squeaks out. Her stomach churns at what’s coming, but in all honesty she feels like she was expecting it. _The never-ending cough, the constant exhaustion even with extra naps…it finally came for me. It’s here. _She feels Kyle squeeze her hand hard and tries to focus.

“Define anomaly.” Kyle immediately speaks up, his voice as serious as Ali has ever heard it.

“To put it simply, it’s very clear even on the low dose CT scan that there’s a nodule in the lower lobe of the right lung. One that was certainly not there on the scan from last July. The scan measurements estimate it at just under an inch in size and show that it’s not a pocket of fluid, but rather a growth of tissue.” Dr. Feinberg explains.

“Jesus.” Kyle whispers and becomes cognizant of Ali’s hand shaking in his. “Al?” He looks at her worriedly, her face pale.

“It’s ok, keep going.” Ali says to the doctor without looking at Kyle. _Just fucking say cancer and get it over with._

“Having told you that, this is nothing to panic over. We see nodules and spots just like this one on at least 50% of these lungs scans and only about 5% to 10% of them are problematic.” Dr. Feinberg says more positively.

“Define problematic.” Kyle gets right to the point for both of them.

“Look, our biggest worry is always when we see these nodules at over an inch in size and in the upper lobes of the lungs. Those are the ones that pose the highest risk for being malignant cancerous growths, but even then we only see that happen around 10% of the time. Usually when we see nodules like the one Ali has, under an inch like this and in lower lobes, we would opt to just watch it over the next year to determine if it gets any bigger. Not seeing any growth or changes indicates a benign tissue nodule that is harmless. And that’s the vast majority of what we deal with.” Dr. Feinberg clarifies.

“So we just watch it then?” Kyle sighs, not feeling great about that approach.

“Normally, yes. In this case, no. Ali, you’re considered high risk with your history and you have been symptomatic with the cough and fatigue. The symptoms of a lung nodule are generally the same regardless of whether it is malignant or not, so the symptoms themselves don’t necessarily add any further concern. But I do believe the growth of the nodule was the root of your symptoms. So, my inclination is to play this very safe and take a more aggressive approach by scheduling a biopsy for early next week. That way we can know with complete certainty. And if by some small chance it is malignant, then we can treat it very early on with excellent success.” He lays out his game plan.

Ali nods, finding herself at a loss for words. Her hand is practically numb from Kyle squeezing it so hard, but she couldn’t be more appreciative that he is composed enough to ask the right questions.

“What does the biopsy entail?” Kyle asks.

“We often try to do it with a bronchoscopy via the airways since that is the easiest, but given that the nodule is in the lower lung and away from the airways, we don’t have that option. So, we’ll do a needle biopsy. We numb the area with local anesthetic and give Ali something to relax. Then we use imaging to guide the needle in between the ribs and into the lung nodule to take a sample. We keep you for about three hours afterwards in order to take some chest x-rays to make sure your lungs look good. There is a minimal risk of a lung collapse from the needle puncture in the few hours following, so we just make sure everything is fine before you go home. Again, easily treatable in the rare case that were to happen. There’s usually some soreness in the biopsy area for a couple days and coughing up a little blood is normal, but nothing that would be considered major or even limiting.” Dr. Feinberg outlines the details. “I’d be aiming for Monday or Tuesday morning and then we’d have the results back by Wednesday or Thursday.”

“Monday is fine, just tell me what time.” Ali finally finds her voice, not bothering to look at her calendar because she knows she’ll just clear whatever is there. _No sense putting off the inevitable._

“First open slot is 8:00am and we do it in the radiology department downstairs.” Dr. Feinberg replies after pulling up the scheduling calendar.

“Ok, 8:00am Monday then.” Ali says flatly.

“Ali, please try not to worry yourself until there’s actually something to worry about. The odds are very much in your favor and in the rare case that we’re dealing with cancer, this would be catching it very early on with an excellent prognosis.” He reassures her again, concerned by the blank expression on her face. “Do you have any questions or anything else you want to talk about?”

Ali just shakes her head and there’s a few seconds of silence before Kyle audibly says no.

“Ok, then the intake nurse will call with instructions on when you have to stop eating and drinking the night prior to the biopsy. The receptionist will also give you some paperwork with information on your way out.” Dr. Feinberg tells them as he stands up. “And I’ll see you on Monday morning. I promise you’re in good hands.” He gently taps Ali on the shoulder encouragingly and smiles at her before leaving the room.

“Thank you.” Kyle says while Ali just nods. “Al?” He checks on her again and ducks his head to find her eyes. She looks terrified and it makes his heart drop. “Hey, it’s gonna be ok.” He pulls her into a hug.

“Let’s just go home.” Ali mumbles and moves to stand up even before Kyle pulls away.

The ride home in the Uber is completely quiet and Kyle’s worry increases by the minute, hoping that his sister will eventually open up about what she’s thinking and feeling. When they get home and the silence continues for another solid hour with Ali just sitting on the couch and staring off into space, he knows he needs to push a bit.

“Please say something.” Kyle appeals to her and holds her hand again.

“What is there to say?” Ali shrugs. “9 fucking 11 is going to take down this whole family and I just so happen to be next in line. End game.”

“Al, what are you talking about?” He asks with a furrowed brow.

“Oh come on, it has been long enough now that we can just say it. We both know it was the anniversary of their first date the day Mom got hit by a car. They were fucking sappy as shit about stuff like that. There was no way she wasn’t thinking about it and distracted. Maybe if she wasn’t distracted thinking about him, she would’ve been paying enough attention to move faster or something. But no, fucking 9/11 put her in that position and it took her too, just like him!” Ali is practically yelling now, everything shaking again. “And now me. Everyone welcome Ali Krieger, the newest fucking member of the 9/11 cancer cluster!”

“Alex, stop!” Kyle holds her shoulders firmly so she’ll look at him. “That car ran a red light, she didn’t stand a chance no matter she was thinking about and you know it. And you heard the doctor today as well as I did. The chances of this being cancer are slim. But so what if it is…so what if you’re the next member of the cancer cluster? How about 9/11 has done enough to this family and it sure as hell isn’t taking either of us with it. Not now and not ever. I know you’re scared as shit and so am I. We’d be stupid not to be, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be ok. You’ll be ok.”

“You can’t know that.” Ali replies stubbornly.

“Yes I do. I know because we have always been ok together. We thought we we’re gonna fucking die in that dust cloud. And you screamed my name and I knew there was no way in hell I was gonna let anything happen to you.” Kyle reminds her. “I put my arms around you and what did I say, Alex?”

“You said ‘I’ve got you, I’ll get you home’.” Ali whispers and wipes at the tears falling down her cheeks.

“Did I get you home?” He presses her.

“You did.” Ali leans in and hugs him tight.

“I did. And what followed for years after was hell, right? But we’ve made it through together and we’re ok.” Kyle strokes her hair. “No matter what the results say next week, you’ll be ok. We’ll fight if we have to, always together. I’ve got you, Al…and I’ll always get you home. You hear me?” Kyle pulls back to look at her.

“Yeah.” Ali nods and rests her head back on his shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too, beebee.” Kyle rubs her back soothingly.

“Fucking fuck 9/11! Come and fucking get me!” Ali suddenly screams in a cathartic release of emotions, startling them both.

“That a girl!” Kyle smiles at her approvingly. “Although maybe let’s not get the 9/11 karma bitch all riled up just to safe, m’kay?” He suggests playfully in a soft tone.

Ali lets out a little laugh before admitting what she really feels. “I’m so fucking terrified, Ky.”

“Hey, it’s ok to be fucking terrified. Just don’t resign yourself to a fight before you even know if there’s a fight. And if there is a fight, then don’t abandon it or give up without fighting it. And if there isn’t a fight, then this whole thing is just another solid motherfucking brick in the strong ass wall we’ve been building for years. That’s it.” Kyle says resolutely.

“You’re right.” Ali nods and leans back against the couch with a long sigh. “I think I just want to go lay down and hope I sleep for a while. I’m really tired. Will you stay here?”

“Yeah, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll make us some dinner for when you’re up for it.” Kyle says sweetly.

“You’re the best. Thank you, for everything. I couldn’t do this without you.” She kisses his cheek as she gets up.

“You don’t have to.” He smiles at her and watches her walk into her bedroom and shut the door. He rests his head back on the couch and takes some deep breaths with his eyes closed, finding himself to be completely wiped out too.

As exhausted as she is, Ali spends the next hour going over every possible worst case scenario she can think of as she lays in bed. She knows she needs to stop and calm down, but she can’t help it and every relaxation technique she knows is failing her. Her mind swirls around how she’ll tell her friends the news and imagines how they’ll react, whether she’ll be Cassius’ godmother anymore.

Somehow Ashlyn suddenly pops up in that group of people in her thoughts and it catches her off guard, her focus shifting there. Would she actually call to tell her if she had cancer? Would she get in touch after all this time with news like this? She thinks about it for a long while, but can’t settle on answer. The one thing she can’t deny is that of all the people she wants with her right now as she deals with this, Ashlyn is at the top of the list.

She gets up almost on autopilot and finds the ziploc bag in her closet, pulling out Ashlyn’s Stanford hoodie and bringing it back over to the bed. She reaches for her phone and puts their song on repeat before cuddling up to the light scent of Ashlyn still clinging to the fabric and closes her eyes. She reasons that she probably wouldn’t call her unless it the situation was tragic and even then she’s not sure, but she falls asleep to the comfort that if shit hit the fan and she did call…in her heart she knows, Ashlyn would be there somehow.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _June 26, 2020_ **

“Luz?” Ashlyn calls out into her penthouse as she gets off the elevator, surprised not to see her girlfriend on the couch watching TV at this hour. She’s home later than usual because she and Whitney had dinner with the marketing firm rep they’re working with to promote the new app, but Luz had insisted she would be here when she got home.

She wonders for a moment if Luz changed her mind and is about to text her when she sees the faint silhouette of her girlfriend out on the dark balcony. She smiles and walks over to the liquor cabinet, figuring a fourth drink on a Friday night won’t kill her. She grabs the half-empty bottle of Buffalo Trace bourbon to stay consistent with the high quality liquor she had at dinner and pours some into a tumbler before heading out to the balcony.

“What are you doing out here, meu fogo?” Ashlyn makes her presence known so she doesn’t startle her before kissing her cheek from behind.

“Hi.” Luz smiles and turns her head to look at Ashlyn. “Same thing you are apparently. Cheers.” She clinks her glass with Ashlyn’s and pats the area next to her on the little outdoor couch. “How was dinner?” She asks as Ashlyn sits down and wraps and arm around her.

“It was good, very productive. I like that they never try to sell us on extra shit we don’t want.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Did you eat? I can make you something real quick if you didn’t.” She offers.

“So sweet, xuxu. I’m all set. Becky and I worked a little late too and ordered dinner at the office. I only got here like an hour ago.” Luz tells her and kisses her jaw a couple times.

“What are you drinking?” Ashlyn asks at the unusual scent.

“We’re out of Jagermeister, and gin too. My go-to after that is straight up tequila.” Luz reaches for the bottle on the little side table and holds it up.

“Expensive taste.” Ashlyn teases at seeing the Rey Del Sol tequila bottle that Kameryn once got her and that has been sitting in the liquor cabinet for a long time now.

“You knew what you were getting into.” Luz plays back and leaves more kisses along Ashlyn’s jaw.

“Never said I didn’t. I happen to like what I’ve gotten into.” Ashlyn flirts, the warmth of the alcohol in her system egging her on.

“Well maybe you want to get into it a little more then?” Luz tempts her. She’s been wound up from campaign issues all day and could definitely use some release so she can relax.

“A lot more.” Ashlyn husks and captures her girlfriend’s lips in a slow kiss. It’s like an instant shock to her body as soon as the kiss deepens. The taste. The smell_. Alex._ All she can do is intensify it further and pull Luz onto her lap in desperation, her entire being transported to the bench by the bridge and one of the most intense kisses of her life. Her brain knows exactly where she is and who she’s with, screaming at her to stop…but her senses can’t distinguish, every single one of them overloaded and clinging to the false perception of Ali. She shuts her eyes tight and loses herself further in the kiss until she can’t breathe anymore and has to pull away.

“Mmm paixão, what was that?” Luz catches her breath against Ashlyn’s forehead.

Ashlyn opens her eyes and it feels like a rock going through a window as reality comes flooding back in, the vivid memory that had a hold of her now shattering and falling away like tiny shards of glass. “I…it…” She has no idea what to say and leans in for another kiss to buy herself a few seconds, her heart immediately jumping again at the taste of their lips together. _The liquor, it’s the same blend. _It finally dawns on her that Luz is drinking the exact same tequila that Ali was drinking that night on the bench, and she’s drinking the same exact bourbon. _It’s the just liquor._ She feels some relief in the realization, but also really guilty about what just happened.

“I love when I leave you speechless.” Luz smirks and nibbles along Ashlyn’s neck.

“I really have to pee.” Ashlyn brings things to a halt, knowing she needs to re-orient herself before anything else happens tonight.

“Noooo. Worst timing ever.” Luz groans.

“Sorry.” Ashlyn half smiles at her. “I might as well freshen up too, I’ve been sweating in this suit all day. Then I’m all yours.” She tries to smooth it over.

“Ugh, ok. I’ll meet you upstairs. Don’t be long…you can’t keep me waiting after getting me all worked up like that.” Luz warns her as she gets off her lap.

“Promise.” Ashlyn kisses her forehead and downs the rest of her drink before heading to the bathroom.

Ashlyn closes the door to the bathroom and leans against the counter with a deep sigh. “What the fuck was that?” She whispers to herself in disbelief, parts of her still feeling shook.

She knows it was just a sensory memory that got triggered, something she’s prone to… an incredibly good one for once, but a dangerous one too. _It can’t happen again. _She loves and cares about Luz too deeply to ever let herself be anything but 100% present in their intimate moments, there’s no middle-ground on that. She immediately brushes her teeth and uses mouthwash on top of that, erasing any traces of the liquor on her own breath and then quickly rinsing off in the shower to fully compose herself before going into the bedroom.

Three hours later, Ashlyn melts into the feel soft skin against her own, Luz peacefully asleep against her chest after what turned out to be an incredible night of love making. Her body is spent, but her mind couldn’t be more active. She’s relieved that the memory trigger was a one-off thing, that she got control of it fast, and that it didn’t happen again even in the most heated moments that followed. Still, the feeling it brought on was powerful even if short-lived and she knows damn well that the damage has been done.

She lays there a while longer with her eyes closed, but is unable to sleep despite being exhausted. She gently slips out of bed and goes to sit in the lounger in the corner so that her fidgeting doesn’t wake Luz. In an attempt to make sense of everything, she pulls up Instagram on her phone and navigates to Ali’s account. As usual, she’s met with only picturesque landscapes, none of which are recent and all ones she’s seen before. She admires them for a minute before checking the tagged photos on the off chance that Ali’s brother has posted something with her in it. There’s only one new one, but it practically makes her heart stop.

After what feels like an eternity of taking in every detail of Ali fast sleep with the most adorable newborn baby cuddled against her chest, Ashlyn finally finds the motivation to drag her eyes away long enough to read the caption posted underneath it by Sydney Leroux-Dwyer:

_One half of the magnificent whole that will be Cassius’ loving godparents. This little boy is so blessed, and so are we. #Besties #CashAndAuntieAligator_

_Sydney had a baby. Ali is the godmother…one half of a whole. The woman in the restaurant. Wow, she…ok. _The scattered thoughts come together as she gathers all the snippets of information from the post. Ali has definitely moved on. She looked really happy with that woman in the restaurant, and apparently they’re serious enough to be godparents together. Ali looks so serene in this beautiful picture and Ashlyn finds herself unable to stop smiling at it.

She finally manages to put down her phone after a few more minutes, thinking more deeply about what happened earlier and how she’s feeling right now. It doesn’t take her much longer to realize that it’s not about Ali at all. It doesn’t matter where Ali is or what she’s doing, doesn’t matter if she’s moved on. This is about nobody but herself. It’s about what she really feels, what she truly wants, and what she’s willing to settle for. The answers can only come from her alone, and she needs to find them soon.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _July 1, 2020_ **

Ali shifts a bit to make herself more comfortable as she sits between Kyle and Heather on the couch. Sydney is on the screen of the laptop on the coffee table holding Cassius up so everyone can see him. Although her side is still a bit sore from the biopsy a couple days ago and feels like a bruise when she sits up a certain way, overall it was an easy procedure to deal with.

“You ok?” Heather checks at feeling Ali adjust herself.

“Yep, fine.” Ali replies. The reality is that none of them are fine, each of them growing more fidgety and nervous by the second with Ali being the worst of them. Dr. Feinberg said he would call with the biopsy results between 2pm and 3pm today and it’s now 2:20pm.

“Look at that drooly face and my big smooshy cheeks.” Ali coos at Cassius, incredibly thankful for the distraction of her precious godson. Her heart melts at his big toothless smile. And even though it’s impossible to know if he’s smiling at her or because he’s passing gas, it makes her happy just the same.

Ali’s cellphone rings loudly through the living room and everything suddenly feels like it’s in slow motion. She watches Sydney quickly hand Cassius to Dom and get closer to the screen. She feels Heather grab her left hand tightly as Kyle presses the button to put the call on speaker and then takes her other hand in his.

“It’s ok, Al. Go ahead.” Kyle whispers encouragingly.

“Hello, this is Ali.” Ali’s voice shakes, but she’s impressed she managed that much. She squeezes Heather and Kyle’s hands like a vice and locks onto Sydney’s eyes as she waits for it.

“Ali, this is Dr. Feinberg. I have your biopsy results, is this a good time?” Dr. Feinberg checks first like he’s required to.

“Yeah.” Ali’s voice barely squeaks and she has to clear her throat to try again. “Yes, I have you on speaker if that’s ok.”

“That’s totally ok.” He assures her before diving right into it. “Good news, the nodule is completely benign as we had suspected.”

Ali feels her whole body relax so fast that it suddenly feels like jello and she can barely sit up. Kyle and Heather immediately wrap her up in a tight hug and Sydney’s loud ‘thank fucking god!’ is the first thing she hears.

“Yep, I’d say that about sums it up.” Dr. Feinberg comments on Sydney’s reaction. “Are you ok, Ali?”

“I’m ok.” Ali croaks out as the tears start to fall. “I’m ok.” She’s honestly not sure if she’s answering his question or telling herself so it can sink it._ It’s not cancer. You’re ok._

“Good, that’s good.” Dr. Feinberg replies. “So, a couple quick details. We’ve determined that it’s a harmless fibrous tissue growth that can sometimes happen after having lung infections like you’ve had before. Given that your symptoms have been slowly improving and the growth is not near the airway, we’ll just keep an eye on it. If your symptoms suddenly worsen without being related to a new infection or a cold, or if we see any growth of the nodule on your next routine scan, we can easily remove it with a minimally invasive surgery. And that’s it. Do you have any questions?”

Ali looks at Kyle and Heather because she can’t fully process it all right now, but they just shake their heads and don’t seem to have any questions either. “No, I don’t have any questions right now. Thank you.” Her voice comes out more normally.

“If you end up having any questions, you know how to reach me anytime. And if any symptoms get worse again or new ones appear, make sure you let us know so we can check it out.” Dr. Feinberg reminds her. “I’m glad things turned out well and I hope you all have a great rest of the day.”

“I will. And thank you so much, I really appreciate it.” Ali says warmly before hanging up and letting out a really long relieved breath.

“Well thank the lord that fucking hell is over with! You think we can get back to our normally scheduled shallow ass lives now?” Sydney lightens the atmosphere with her usual sass.

“Second that plan. I don’t want to do anything for the next two days besides eat greasy take-out, sleep in, and binge watch Netflix. Good? Great!” Kyle chimes in.

“How are we doing, Al?” Heather asks seriously.

“Really good.” Ali finally smiles. “I’m totally wiped the fuck out, but really good. And I could really go for Chinese food.” The fact that she hasn’t eaten much in a week makes itself apparent when her stomach grumbles loudly.

“On it!” Heather gets up to grab the menu.

“Dom, we’re ordering Chinese!” Sydney calls out, deciding she wants in even if she’s not there. “I love you so damn much, Als.”

“Love you more.” Ali smiles at her and leans back into Kyle, letting out another deep breath. She feels so much love for the people in this room along with a massive sense of relief, but just as strong right now is the overwhelming urge to get the hell out of this fucking city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you can see just how easily I could've written COVID into this story, but I'm still glad didn't go that route (going with my original plan was rough enough I think).  
Predictions on how things play out with Ashlyn and Luz?  
Other thoughts?


	45. That Laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last stretch of this long ass tunnel we've been in. See that light at the end? Get out those sunglasses, cause it's gonna be real damn bright ;-)
> 
> Can't wait to hear what you think of this one. So, happy reading and drop me a comment :-)
> 
> ***Special thanks as always to reader ashlnhrrs for the language/swear words help haha #MVP***

That Laugh

** _July 8, 2020_ **

“So, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.” Ali brings it up as she and Kyle dig into their take-out burrito bowls for dinner. She’s let the dust settle after the biopsy results, but her want to get away from everything hasn’t waned in the slightest.

“What’s up, beebee?” Kyle tries to gauge whether it’s something serious from her expression, but he can’t tell.

“I’m not sure if the cancer scare was what put me over the edge or if it has just been an accumulation of things…but, I think I need to get out of NYC for a while.” Ali says straightforwardly.

“Don’t you usually take a couple weeks of vacation around this time of year anyway?” He doesn’t get why she feels the need to have a discussion about it.

“Yeah, but this is bigger than that.” Ali replies.

“Bigger as in…” Kyle tries to understand.

“I’m gonna leave at the end of next week and not be back until Thanksgiving.” Ali divulges.

“Oh…uh…wow.” Kyle’s eyebrows shoot up at the news. “Where are you going? And what about all your clients?”

“I want to explore the Pacific. I’m going to start in Hawaii for like three weeks and then check out some of Alaska before heading to Australia and New Zealand. And then I plan to spend all of October and most of November in Germany.” Ali gives him the basic itinerary that took her the better part of three days to put together. “I’ve done phone and web-based appointments in the past when I’ve taken longer vacations. I’ve already let a lot of my clients know of my plans. Most of them are fine switching to doing virtual appointments for a while and a few have decided they’ll have me refer them to someone else and start up with me again once I’m back.”

“You’ve really thought this through.” He’s not sure what else to say as he processes, thinking it over quietly for a couple minutes before the length of time really dawns on him. “So, you’ll be back for Thanksgiving, but not here for…” He trails off.

Ali reaches across the table for his hand, knowing exactly what he’s thinking because it’s the only thing that had initially made her hesitant about the trip. “I know. Honestly, at the end of the day, I think that’s the whole point of it. My life has been revolving around 9/11 far more than I’ve really paid attention to. And I know last year was hard enough with us not being together just for the memorial ceremony, but I also felt like I grew from that experience in a way. Even if it’s just this one time that I’m not here for it, I just need to do it. I need to give myself the space to be free from here long enough to re-evaluate who I am without 9/11 being the center of it all the damn time.” She tells him candidly.

“You absolutely do.” Kyle agrees wholeheartedly as it fully hits him. Ali has never had a time in her life where she wasn’t tied to this city and everything that has happened here. The only time she was ever away was when she went to Harvard, but even then she was married to Brian and they came back at least once a month. Ali was the one who went back and forth to upkeep the condo they grew up in once their mother died, and then had moved right back into it after college. And while it was only three years that he lived in L.A., at least he had gotten the separation he needed to heal and find himself. Plus, he had come back and created his own space in an apartment where he wasn’t constantly surrounded by memories. Ali has never had any of that, not even for a month or two, and only in this moment does he realize it.

“It just hit me that you’ve haven’t really had much opportunity to connect with something that isn’t…well...anything but here. You need to do that.” He encourages her knowingly.

“Yeah, I really do.” Ali affirms. “I also don’t want to leave you hanging though. I was thinking maybe you could come visit me for a week or two where I am. We could at least be together on 9/11 even if we’re not physically at the ceremony. I still plan to watch the live stream of it, so we could do that.”

“As much as I love that idea…maybe I need some change too.” Kyle muses. “You’ve always been my crutch for getting through it every year. I think it’s time I do it on my own, just like you did last time. You’ve never unattached yourself and I’ve never fully attached. So, switcheroo.”

“You’re sure?” Ali squeezes his hand.

“I’m sure.” He smiles at her. “But maybe we can talk on the phone a little while I’m there or like afterwards?”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Ali promises him.

“This is going to be a good thing.” Kyle says it confidently to convince them both.

“It is.” Ali actually feels ready to pull the trigger now.

“Soooo, what are you most excited about?” He asks with renewed interest as they start eating again.

“Germany.” Ali doesn’t hesitate for a second. “I can’t wait to go back to the place that holds my best memories of him, and just find that good feeling again.”

“I figured, and I love that. Saving the best for last.” Kyle smiles warmly before reaching to squeeze her hand again. “I’m really going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” Ali returns the sentiment before lightening the mood. “I won’t miss you being such a fucking diva, but other than that…”

“Rude! I take it back, you can go ahead and leave any time now. Don’t come back.” Kyle sasses back and flicks a piece of rice into her hair, only for his mouth to drop open when she retaliates by dumping her half-empty glass of water on him and running away in a fit of giggles.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _July 25, 2020_ **

Ashlyn tosses aside the newspaper after finishing the crossword and contently leans back against the couch, looking over at Luz who is reading through a summary of a recently passed housing policy. “Wanna shower with me?”

As if their week hadn’t been tiring enough, they had capped it off with a multiple orgasm lovefest that had zapped every ounce of energy they had left last night. Both of them are still recovering this morning, sleeping in late and having a much needed lazy Saturday.

“Definitely.” Luz smiles at her. “Be done in a couple minutes.”

“Take your time.” Ashlyn grabs her phone and looks through her social media while she waits.

“Puta que pariu, de novo? Ok!” Luz huffs as she reads a text that just came in. “Might as well be today.”

“What’s going on?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“Just my landlord bugging me.” Luz replies and puts down the summary she was reading, sliding closer to Ashlyn. “So the thing is, my lease is up soon and my landlord needs to know whether I’m going to renew.” She tries to keep her voice casual. “I’ve been thinking about it and we spend most of our time together at one of our places, so the added expense seems silly.”

“Oh?” _Fuck, fuck, fuck. _Ashlyn’s heart drops like a stone, her body tensing up. She wasn’t quite ready to have this conversation, not even sure if she wanted to have it at all…but now it’s staring her in the face and she races to make a huge decision in far too little time.

“I don’t mean that I would be keeping my place. You own your penthouse and I really like it here.” Luz clarifies at Ashlyn’s reaction. “Plus, everyone in this city thinks we’re getting married anyway…might as well at least live together, right?” She adds hopefully.

“Yeah…I…” Ashlyn stutters, desperately unable to come up with anything when she knows damn well that every second of silence sinks her into a deeper hole. Still, nothing comes out.

Luz lets the silence linger for another moment before letting out a long sigh paired with a knowing nod. “We’re not going to live together, are we?” She asks evenly.

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn confesses in an almost whisper and buries her face into her hands.

“You do know. You just won’t say it.” Luz’s voice starts raising. “I’ve felt it coming for weeks, but I told myself we were both just stressed with work and tired, but it’s something else. I knew and I was stupid.” She sits forward on the edge of the couch. “Care to explain to me why I’ve been planning on us having a future together and you haven’t?” She asks with bite, clearly growing angrier by the second.

Ashlyn pulls herself together at Luz’s tone. If this is going to happen like this, then she owes her nothing but complete honesty and respect. _Just tell her_. She takes a deep breath and turns her body towards Luz. “It really has nothing to with you or our relationship…” She starts only to be cut off by Luz loudly scoffing.

“Toma no cu com essa merda de ‘it’s not you, it’s me’! I’m not sitting here for that fucking bullshit!” Luz yells and stands up looking like she’s ready to explode. She grabs her work bag nearby and starts violently shoving her paperwork into it before going over to the entrance area and tossing a couple pairs of her shoes into the bag too.

Ashlyn eyes go wide at words she’s only heard come out of her girlfriend’s mouth when she’s beyond pissed off and have certainly never been directed at her, finally snapping out of her daze after a few seconds. “What are you doing?” She asks even though it’s obvious.

“I’m grabbing my things so that I can take my single ass home and renew my lease.” Luz retorts indignantly. “After that I’m gonna go get some renter’s insurance so that if I accidentally burn my apartment down while I’m lighting your stuff on fire, I’m covered.”

“Ok, I absolutely deserve that.” Ashlyn walks towards her carefully, trying to pacify the situation even minimally. “Look, I know you’re pissed, and you have every right to be…but, please give me the chance to talk to you.”

“Not if you’re going to bullshit me!” Luz points a finger at her.

“I’m not. The truth is really that it has everything to do with me and if you let me explain, I hope at least you’ll understand.” Ashlyn tries again.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t just go home right now and burn all your shit!” Luz gives her a look that makes Ashlyn want to crawl into a hole.

“Just sit and talk to me for a few minutes, ok? I promise you can go home and burn my shit afterwards, and I’ll have totally deserved it.” Ashlyn motions to the couch. “Please?”

Luz doesn’t reply, she just lets out another impatient sigh and sits down on the couch roughly.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn lets out her own long breath and sits down next to her.

“You want to talk, then fucking talk.” Luz doesn’t make it easy for her.

Ashlyn thinks quickly to find the words that will convey what she’s feeling. “Luz…” She reaches for her hand, but Luz pulls it away. “Luz…” She tries again, this time making sure to duck her head enough that Luz has to catch her eyes. Whatever the woman sees in her expression works to some extent because she doesn’t pull her hand away this time and lets Ashlyn hold it.

“Just say what you have to say.” Luz’s voice sounds softer now, sadder.

“Luz, I could marry you tomorrow…and do it happily and with all the love and good intentions in the world, and we’d have an amazing life together that I’d be proud of. That’s not something I question in any way.” Ashlyn says genuinely and watches Luz’s face turn to confusion. “I love you and care about you with all my heart. I love everything about who you are as a person. I believe in you and in your dreams. I love how I feel when I’m around you.” She squeezes her hand to further the point.

“What the hell is happening, Ashlyn?” Luz asks almost frantically, confused at being stuck in between hopeful and hopeless.

“You know me, you know my love, and my loyalty. And if I give it all, then I give it completely and forever. If we stay together, then that’s where this goes...we’d be on the path to getting married and it would be for life. I really meant what I said before, I could marry you and be forever happy about it.” Ashlyn gives herself a second, feeling a bit dizzy.

“But…” Luz prompts her in a whisper.

“But…I would do it knowing deep down that it’s not all that I’m capable of and knowing that it’s not everything that could possibly await me in this world.” Ashlyn tells her openly. “I would do it knowing that I’ve settled in some way. And I would always feel that both of us deserved better than that, even if we love and cherish all that we have.”

“I don’t understand what you’re telling me.” Luz pleads with her.

“Do you remember when you asked me if I believed I soulmates?” Ashlyn tries another approach and sees Luz nod. “Do you remember what I said?”

“You said that you believed people had more than one soulmate and if they were extremely lucky, they’d find one of those people during their short time on this planet.” Luz practically quotes it back to her, recalling it very clearly.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods. “Luz, I found one of those people. I got lucky. I got to feel what it felt like to love and connect to someone that is without a doubt one of my soulmates in this world. And the harsh reality of life is that I wasn’t able to be with her and I had to let her go, but it doesn’t change the enormity of what I felt with her and what I know is possible because of that experience.”

“And I’m not that person.” Luz nods and looks at the floor.

“I love you completely, Luz. I really do.” Ashlyn says sadly. “But to say that it feels like it did with her…it doesn’t, not to that level. And it’s really not about her because she and I can’t be together. It’s about me knowing that making a forever promise to you means there’s no chance to feel what I felt with her ever again. And I’m not ready to give up that chance.”

“I don’t get it, Ashlyn. I thought you were done with Sloane. And if you felt this way, then why did you let her go? Why didn’t you go after her again when you had the chance?” Luz tries to make sense of it all.

“I’m not talking about Sloane. It was never Sloane.” Ashlyn says softly, squeezing Luz’s hand again.

“Then who?” Luz asks, but the answer comes to her as soon as the question is out of her mouth. “The sex therapist.”

“Yes.” Ashlyn nods.

“That’s why you couldn’t be together.” Luz thinks out loud. “Meu deus.” She lets out a soft sigh, actually feeling a little bad for Ashlyn now even if she’s still really hurt and mad at her.

“We were never together and we won’t be, but even as it was…I’ve actually never had the words to describe what I felt with her.” Ashlyn confesses. “So, that’s what I mean when I say it’s not about you... and also that it’s not about her either. The chances of me ever meeting someone like her in my life again are practically zero, but the truth is that having had it once…I still want the chance. Even if that means I spend my life alone trying to find it.”

“I don’t even know what to think of that.” Luz admits. “I kind of think you’re a damn imbecil. But then I also want all the things you just said about her for myself. Maybe because I thought I just had it all with you…and now I’m not sure that I did. And porra, I’m fucking confused. I hate being confused, Ashlyn.”

“I know.” Ashlyn sympathizes. “I’m so, so sorry, Luz. You’ve been a light in dark for me and while I’ll never regret a single second of it, I do wish I had figured out what was going on with me sooner. I never wanted to hurt you like this, but I know I have and I’m so sorry. You deserve better than this.”

“Yeah I fucking do.” Luz agrees scathingly before softening slightly. “But I’ve also never been treated with the love and respect you’ve shown me, and I’ll always be grateful for that.” She’s admittedly shocked at her own maturity right now when she still feels so furious.

“Well, I promise I’m not going to think any less of you if you go home and burn my stuff.” Ashlyn attempts to lighten things a little.

“Oh I’m definitely going home to burn your shit. I said I was grateful, not that I wasn’t pissed.” Luz counters, but can’t help the tiny smirk that plays on her lips.

“Fair.” Ashlyn nods with her own tight smile before getting serious. “I’m always going to love and care about you and respect you. You know that, right? I believe in you and what you stand for…and I’m sure as hell gonna vote for you in a few months and be proud of you. I’m still here, and I’ll always be.”

“Porra Ashlyn, I know who you are. If I know anything, it’s your heart. But do I seem like a woman who stays friends with my exes?” Luz contends.

“Not even a little. Doesn’t matter, I’ll still be here. Do I seem like a woman who ever gives up on the people I care about?” Ashlyn counters.

“We’ll see.” Luz leaves it at that, unable to so much as think about committing to anything right now. “And if I find out you that didn’t vote for me, I’m not going to be a congresswoman very long because I’ll come right back here to burn down this whole damn penthouse.”

“That sounds an awful lot like voter coercion, Ms. Rainha.” Ashlyn uses humor again to try and settle on some positivity between them. “You certainly don’t need my vote, but you’ll always have it. Torched belongings or not.”

“Speaking of, I should get my things and go. I still have to pick up some matches on my way home.” Luz just wants to get out of here.

“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn concedes forlornly. “I can get your stuff together and bring it over to you tomorrow if you want, least I can do.”

“That would be good actually. I really, really want to go home.” Luz admits, grabbing her bag and phone. She starts walking towards the elevator, but then suddenly turns to face Ashlyn who is right behind her, the two of them stopping inches from each other. “Foi bom, não foi?” She asks a bit emotionally, but refuses to let any tears fall in front of Ashlyn.

Ashlyn moves in to hug her tightly for a few seconds before pulling back to look at her. “No meu fogo, it wasn’t good…it was great.” She answers with nothing but truth. She’s surprised by the soft lingering kiss that Luz leaves on her lips and before she knows it, the woman is gone as the elevator door closes.

“Fuck… that was…fuck.” Ashlyn rubs her face with her hands in disbelief at what just happened.

She takes a shower to try and settle herself as best she can before spending the rest of the afternoon tracking down Luz’s things in the penthouse and packing them up like she promised. Normally she would call one or all of her best friends to help her process everything, but she sits out on the balcony all evening instead, sipping bourbon alone in total silence. _Alone, just like you wanted._ Sure, she feels somewhat less burdened and knows it was the right thing to do, but she can’t deny how much today hurt…it really fucking hurts.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _July 29, 2020_ **

“Is Luz coming to the pub tonight? I’m trying to decide if I should ask Ryan to join.” Whitney asks as she types on her phone.

“Uh…no.” Ashlyn sits up straighter in her chair and looks around the room. _As good a time as any._

They opted to work together in the conference room today because each of them is working on part of the project that they occasionally need input on. Crystal is busily working on a graphic on her iPad while Megan is focused on a few spreadsheets laid out in front of her. Whitney is the only one taking a break, but only because she’s waiting on the code Ashlyn is working on.

“Hey um, can we break for a minute?” Ashlyn interrupts and watches each of them look up at her.

“What’s shaking, butch?” Megan questions.

“So, Luz and I broke up.” Ashlyn puts it out there unceremoniously.

“WHAT?!?!” The loud unison of voices echoes in the room.

“When? What happened?” Whitney is the first to ask.

“Saturday.” Ashlyn replies simply. “She wanted to talk about moving in together…and I hedged. I’ve been sort of hedging on a lot of things when it came to her lately, and how I felt about this being a long-term commitment. And in the end, as much as I love her…like I really, really love her…but it never held a candle to what I had with Ali. And of course Ali isn’t an option, but I still want that kind of love. So, I made the decision that I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. And yeah, we broke up.” It comes out in a ramble.

“Damn, Ash.” Whitney doesn’t know what to say.

“Jesus, I’m sorry. That sounds fucking rough. For what it’s worth, it was the right choice. Luz is awesome, but you’ve gotta find what your heart wants.” Crystal says sincerely.

“Thanks, minion.” Ashlyn nods.

“Hold up, so you broke up with Luz Rainha…and you’re still alive?” Megan raises her eyebrows.

“Not by much.” Ashlyn cracks a tiny smile. “She was rightfully pissed off and said she was going home to light my things on fire.”

“Oh shit. See now that’s what I would have expected from the phoenix. Hope you didn’t leave anything expensive at her place.” Megan grimaces.

“It was definitely intense, but then she kissed me goodbye and there was sort of an understanding between us when she left. I dunno.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I went to drop off her stuff on Monday and she actually handed me a box of my things…with a flame drawn on the side of box in marker.” She chuckles softly.

“Ugh, what a fucking queen. That woman is my idol.” Megan exclaims.

“Yeah, I fucked that one up good. Majorly.” Ashlyn admits a bit dejectedly.

“Are you ok?” Whitney gets down to it.

“Yes and no. Like Crys said, I know it’s the right thing…but it also just fucking hurts too. Like I definitely miss her presence already and it was…just a whole fucking lot.” Ashlyn confesses. “And now I’ll be perpetually single for the rest of my life because if I was ever gonna come close, Luz was it…and it wasn’t good enough. So, there’s that. Definitely just…a lot.”

“A lot is an understatement, boo.” Crystal affirms.

“Is that why you worked from home the last two days?” Whitney probes, gathering all the information as usual before says anything more.

“Yeah. That and once the breakup sunk in, we realized we had to figure out how we were going to move forward with it publicly. I offered to keep the status quo with the election coming up in a few months. I just don’t want this to mess anything up for her, especially when people were all about us being together.” Ashlyn sighs. “Luz wasn’t having it though. She said that if people aren’t voting for her because of her ideas, values, and character, then she doesn’t want their vote.”

“So you’re going to announce it then?” Whitney asks.

“Yep. We sat down with Becky yesterday and decided on a joint statement. Pretty much that we love and respect each other, but are in a busy place in our lives where we can’t give our relationship the proper attention and commitment that it deserves. That we’ll focus on being friends without the added pressure of a relationship.” Ashlyn tells them. “Statement will be publicly released on Friday. I’m still nervous that it’s gonna mess with her campaign, but she knows what’s best for her and I have to trust in that and hope that people aren’t petty assholes.”

“Is the friend thing true?” Megan hones in on that.

“We both need some time, but we know where we stand and how we feel…so it’s not off the table.” Ashlyn answers frankly. “She still means a lot to me, so I hope we can figure it out.”

“Me too, cause you still need a date to my wedding in the spring. Preferably one that can still give us fashion help.” Megan teases.

“Oh yeah, definitely my first priority, Pinoe. I’ll get right on that.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“I’m really sorry, Ash. I know you really invested everything you had to give her and I know this is hard.” Whitney says meaningfully as she walks over and hugs her. “I’m really proud of you for not settling for less than what you actually want and deserve though. I don’t think you’re ever gonna have any regrets about that.”

“Thanks, Watson. Might take a while before it all really hits me, but I don’t think I’ll have any regrets either...even being alone forever.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Um, heeello?! We’re right fucking here…as always! What is this alone crap? You’re never alone, Boss Lady.” Crystal shoots her a sassy-but-sweet look.

“Exactly what she said.” Whitney confirms.

“Got it. Thank you.” Ashlyn smiles at them.

“But if you think any of this is gonna get you out of working today, you’re out of your damn mind. Finish that fucking code so I can do my job, Sherlock!” Whitney playfully demands.

“On it.” Ashlyn cracks her knuckles before getting back to typing.

“You know Whit, the dictator vibe really suits you. Is that Ryan’s thing or…” Megan winks at her.

“Shut up and get back to work, twerp.” Whitney shakes her head.

“Keep talking dirty to me and I’ll definitely work it.” Megan keeps it up.

“Nobody wants to picture that and you’re distracting me.” Crystal cringes.

“Second that.” Ashlyn doesn’t even look up from the computer.

“Third it. Motion has passed and you’ve been out-voted. Back to work, twerp.” Whitney says with satisfaction.

“Bitch dictator.” Megan grumbles under her breath, playfully tossing a paperclip into Whitney’s hair before getting back to her spreadsheets.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _August 3, 2020_ **

“Breathtaking.” Ali whispers to herself in awe of the picturesque waterfall gracing the tall cliff side and flowing right into ocean.

It’s certainly not the hardest she’s ever had to work to get to a ‘hidden gem’ geographical location, and it’s certainly not most remote spot either with a couple other people walking the black sand beach that she’s sitting on…but she’s taken by it just the same.

Like she does for all of her travels, she spent hours scouring the internet for the most beautiful spots to visit on her trip; places off the beaten path that only locals often know about. The description of this one on a Hawaii locals blog had struck her enough to put it on her list even though it did mention that it can get more touristy during some seasons. That would usually be enough to dissuade her, but she couldn’t be happier that it didn’t.

_Ashlyn would love this. _The thought hits her as she watches the waves crest and roll into the beach. They look perfect for surfing even if she has no idea how to actually judge that_. It really does feel better to breathe by the ocean than anywhere else._ Now that the woman is on her mind, she just rolls with it and lets her thoughts roam free. Ashlyn’s eyes and smile come rushing into her conscious, making her own smile grow on her lips, and she wonders if this will always happen. If thoughts of Ashlyn will always come to her in her most unguarded moments…in all honesty, she hopes they do.

Her thoughts get deeper as she sits there, and she can’t help but softly laugh at why she picked this beach and how misguided she has been all these years as it dawns on her. She has spent a lifetime seeking out places that have been least touched by human foot traffic, places where she can enjoy nature’s peace as it is and leave no trace of her own presence.

As she watches the three other people on the beach walk along the water, it strikes her that them being here hasn’t taken away the beauty of this place, hasn’t broken the natural serenity of it in any way. Along with the thoughts of Ashlyn, it becomes clear that she was so naïve to think that she could truly leave no trace. The two of them left their mark on each other, just like these landscapes have left their mark on her and she on them by her mere presence here.

_There is no such thing as leaving no trace. _After all this time, she’s surprisingly ok with that and actually finds herself embracing it. It prompts her to think of other things that left their mark on her and how she might begin appreciating how she has grown from them rather than focus on the mark itself...how she can find beauty in the present that is not tainted by the traces of the past.

At that, she takes a picture of the perfect scenery on her phone like she usually does so she that never forgets this moment, knowing it will forever change how she navigates the world.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _September 11, 2020_ **

Ali slowly sips some red wine, lounging in the darkness of her hotel room balcony. She couldn’t have picked a better place to stay in Tasmania. The Saffire Freycinet resort is not only surrounded by gorgeous mountain and ocean views, but she has been able to see the Southern Lights every night from her room.

She’s surprised when her phone rings, not expecting Kyle to call for about another hour since it’s still pretty early in NYC and well before the start of the memorial ceremony that she’ll live stream before bed.

“Hey babes, how are you doing this morning?” She answers warmly. The 14-hour time difference has certainly made this day interesting to say the least. They spoke earlier today, Kyle going to bed to prepare for his 9/11 and giving Ali the boost of support she needed at the start of hers. Tonight they’re switching roles, her 9/11 coming to a close while Kyle’s is just getting underway…the memorial ceremony their common ground even half a world away from each other.

“Hey beebee. Better than I expected, but this is really hard and I have no idea how you even got here last year without passing out. I had to stop twice to get myself together.” Kyle admits freely.

“I’m not sure how I did either.” Ali confesses. “Go over to the repository, being around the other families really helped.” She suggests. “You’re there pretty early.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t sit still at home and just started trying to walk slow...so much for that.” He explains. “So, I thought you told Brian he shouldn’t come since you weren’t gonna be here?”

“I did tell him that and he said he wasn’t coming. Why, did you see him?” Ali replies in confusion.

“Not yet, but I’m sure he’s here somewhere.” Kyle tells her.

“How do you know that?” Ali asks.

“There’s a can of Cherry Coke and a Reese’s on Dad’s name.” Kyle tells her matter-of-factly. “Really sweet of him actually, didn’t know Bri was sappy like that. Although now that I think of it, he could have come early and left maybe. But he’s probably here, cause that’s a long ass drive for him to have come and gone this early.” He thinks out loud.

“He’s not there.” Ali’s chest fills with that wonderful ache just like last year. “It wasn’t him.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you’re here?” Kyle’s voice is hopeful.

“Oh Ky, no I’m sorry, but I’m not there. Still definitely in Tasmania.” Ali feels bad.

“Well I didn’t put this here Al, so I’m lost.” Kyle says as looks at it.

“It was there last year too.” She reveals. “My client. Back when I was telling her about Mom and Dad and some of the reasons I married Brian, I mentioned that Cherry Coke & Reese’s were Brian’s favorites and that I thought it was a sign because they were Dad’s favorites too. She remembered.”

“So wait, you’re saying Ruby put this here?” Kyle clarifies.

“Yeah. She did last year too.” Ali confirms.

“Why didn’t you tell me last year?” Kyle questions.

“I guess it felt so personal and I was just trying to make it through the day. I couldn’t have needed someone more last year, and somehow there she was in this tiny perfect little gesture. I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to keep it for myself.” Ali tries to explain.

“Al…Jesus fucking Christ.” Kyle lets out a sigh.

“What?” Ali can’t read his tone.

“Where are you on this whole thing with her?” Kyle asks seriously.

“What do you mean?” She’s unsure what he’s asking.

“This is…” Kyle looks at the soda and candy in front of him again. “Alex, if somebody did this for me…I don’t think I could stop myself from…”

“Oh.” She finally gets where’s he’s going with this. “No, that isn’t gonna happen.”

“Why the fuck not?” Kyle asks very directly.

“She's happy with someone else. Happy as in getting married happy.” Ali tells him bluntly so there is no more confusion.

“How’d you find that out?” He inquires.

“Nancy told me earlier this year. She was still seeing her as a client.” Ali lies a bit.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kyle probes further, shocked she didn’t tell him about it when they used to have so many discussions about this woman.

“Because I worked really hard to move on and not let my life revolve around what was going on in hers. And you know what, I managed to do that and I feel good about it even if the outcome wasn’t what I was hoping for.” Ali says truthfully.

“Yeah, well now I’m the one who’s caught up in her and can’t move on.” Kyle can’t get over it, looking around to see if anyone there happens to look like Ruby Rose or even has a similar vibe, but no one even comes close. “Talk about really getting it. What an amazingly good person.”

“She is.” Ali says softly, the warmth in her chest still there. “Hey, will you do me favor and take a picture of it? I forgot to last year and I’m sure they’ll come by and clean it off for the ceremony.”

“Of course.” Kyle replies simply.

“You should head over to repository soon.” She reminds him.

“Yeah, ok. You’ll be watching and then I’ll call you right after?” Kyle checks.

“Yep. I’ll be right here with you.” Ali promises him.

“Thank you. I love you.” Kyle says emotionally.

“I love you too, Ky.” Ali returns the sentiment and hangs up.

She watches the Southern Lights in the sky for a few minutes. They look like faint bluish beams of light that rise from the horizon and stretch endlessly upwards. It reminds her of the Tribute in Light Memorial, 88 searchlight beams aimed upwards from Ground Zero to create two vertical columns of light that represent the twin towers on the NYC skyline every 9/11. She’s always had a fondness for that part of the memorial, and the similarity of the Southern Lights brings that same sense of comfort tonight.

She’s interrupted by her phone vibrating, opening the text message from Kyle to see the picture she requested. “Thanks for being here for us, Ash.” She whispers to herself, knowing that the woman’s support has now extended to her brother too even if she doesn’t know it.

\-----

Ashlyn towel dries her hair and spritzes it with her usual surf spray to give it that beachy look, running her fingers through it a few times and giving it a quick toss. She picks out a pair of light gray slacks and a black collared shirt, opting to roll up the sleeves and leaving a couple buttons undone at the top for a more casual look that she finishes with light makeup.

“Too early.” She comments as she looks at her watch and sees it’s only 8am. Fridays at the office are usually slow and nobody rushes in, so she knows Crystal won’t be ready to drive in before at least 9am. She thinks about just walking there on her own, but she already pushed herself really hard on her run this morning. Instead she makes herself a cup of coffee and goes to sit on the balcony to kill time and let the much needed caffeine kick in.

She can already feel the soreness in her legs as she sits on the outdoor couch and she knows she’s going to regret it later. Running isn’t usually her thing, but apparently it’s her thing on 9/11. Just like last year on this day, she had been unable to sleep and craved a run to burn off energy at a much too early hour of the morning. And she had found herself yet again drawn to Ground Zero after her run, going into the same bodega along the way and making the same purchase. The same good feeling had washed over her as she took a moment to be still with thoughts of Ken Krieger and his family, leaving the soda and candy there to honor him before making her way home.

The difference this time is that she can’t get her mind off of Ali after leaving the memorial site. Maybe it’s because she has extra time on her hands or perhaps because Luz isn’t here to distract her this time around, but she finds herself wondering so many things that she doesn’t know about how Ali deals with this day. She assumes that she likely still goes to the memorial ceremony, but then what else? Does it hurt to be there or does she feel some peace from it? Does she feel angry or sad, maybe both? Does she go alone or maybe gather with other 9/11 families? What does she do the rest of the day…have a quiet day or stay busy? The questions are endless and she wishes she knew the answers.

She checks her watch again and thinks to text Crystal to see if she’s close to being ready, but distractedly navigates her way to Ali’s Instagram account instead. A little rush of energy hits her the second she sees that there’s a new picture, her heart thundering when she clicks on it.

_I know that waterfall. The black sand. It’s the same one, it has to be. _Ashlyn studies the scenic photo carefully trying to remember her trip to Hawaii as she makes the comparison in her head, but there’s no need to when she sees that the photo location is tagged: Waipio Valley Beach, Hawaii. _Same place._ _That’s weird, she never tags things._ She immediately reads the caption dated just over a month ago:

_Leave no trace. I’ve always lived by that creed on my travels, taking a picture to remember these less-trotted gems and leaving nothing behind. Today that led me here to Waipio Valley Beach and to the realization that leaving no trace is impossible. Our mere presence in any time or place means that we have left a trace somehow and that a trace is left on us in return. Today I’ve learned to be okay with that mutual trace because it means that we have lived in a moment and that it has shaped us. Whether for better or worse, we cannot always choose the traces left on ourselves, but we can choose the traces we leave in return. Today I am at peace with that insight. So, I’ll no longer say leave no trace, but rather…leave only the best of yourself and be respectful to our amazing planet. _

Ashlyn can’t get over it as she reads the caption a couple more times and stares at the picture. _What are the chances that we went to the same exact place in this world and found peace of mind? _Still, she can’t be all that surprised. They’ve always felt each other in an inexplicable way and this certainly isn’t the first time they’ve been drawn to the same spot. Ali probably wasn’t alone, but that doesn’t matter much right now. Even if she never reconnects with Ali Krieger again in person, there’s a comfort in knowing that the spiritual connection between them is alive and well no matter where they are and who they’re with. And with that epiphany comes the understanding that her connection to Ali has been and will always be an integral part of her journey.

A text from Crystal saying she’s planning to leave in twenty minutes interrupts her thoughts, but she’s no longer ready to go into the office. It has been far too long since she got some much needed therapy and the urge to find some harmony is stronger than ever right now. She sends a quick text to Crystal, Whitney, and Megan that she won’t be coming in today and goes to change her clothes.

It only takes one quick phone call before she’s seated comfortably in her favorite therapy office just two hours later. Both Ali’s picture of Waipio Valley Beach and the picture she took on her way here of her spot by Brooklyn Bridge with the bench in the foreground lay stenciled onto her lower left leg as the buzz of the needle fill her ears, piercing her skin but healing her soul.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _November 3, 2020_ **

“This is intense.” Ashlyn looks around the hotel ballroom with wide eyes at the number of people packed in there. Everyone is happily eating and drinking as they talk loudly to be heard over the large projection screen of CNN’s Election Night in America broadcast providing live election results. Even though the nation’s attention is mainly on the Presidential election tonight, you wouldn’t know it by the number of people at Luz’s campaign headquarters.

Although they haven’t been in close contact since the breakup, they exchanged a few friendly texts here and there after Luz’s last two debates. So, it didn’t surprise Ashlyn all that much when Luz sent her a happy birthday text a couple weeks ago. What had surprised her was the request that came in the text that followed:

_Luz: I know it’s a lot to ask, but election night is bound to be overwhelming. I want to surrounded myself with the people who have always been in my corner and I really want you there, Ashlyn. Please, will you come?_

_Ashlyn: I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’ll be there._

_Luz: Thank you. Wear the gray suit with the pinstripes, just a suggestion ;-)_

And just like that, here she is in the gray pinstriped suit that Luz always had a fondness for, her eyes scouring the room to try and spot her ex. She gives up after fifteen minutes of having to squeeze her way around the crowded ballroom, figuring she’ll run into her eventually. Instead she makes her way back towards the entrance, knowing that Whitney, Ryan, Megan, Sue, Crystal and Pierre should be here for extra support soon too.

“Oh hey, you’re here!” Becky claps her hand onto Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“Hey Becky. I just got here and was trying to find Luz in all this madness, but gave up when I almost had like five drinks spilled on me.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “This is insane.”

“Tell me about it. We probably should’ve gotten a bigger ballroom. We knew the turnout would be good, but not this good.” Becky’s eyes constantly dart around the room.

“Is she here yet?” Ashlyn asks.

“Oh yeah, she’s been here all day. Not in the ballroom though. She made a quick appearance earlier and now won’t come out again until the results are in.” Becky explains.

“Oh ok. I guess I should just join in on the food and drinks then.” Ashlyn replies having no clue how these events work.

“What? No. I was actually out here looking for you.” Becky tells her. “We have a private suite for campaign staff and friends. We’ll hang out with her in there as the results come in. I need to stop in the other working suite to grab the latest report from our projection team, but you can come with me and then we’ll head to the suite where Luz is.”

“Got it.” Ashlyn nods. As they start navigating the hotel hallways, she can’t help but notice now tense Becky is. The woman is an unhinged as she has ever seen her. “Hey Becky, hold on for a second.” She takes the opportunity to stop for a minute since they’re near a secluded little social gathering space at the end of a hallway.

“What’s up?” Becky asks as they come to a stop, her eyes still darting around even as she looks at Ashlyn expectantly.

“Are you ok? Is Luz ok? I’ve never seen you…well, this discombobulated.” Ashlyn puts it bluntly.

“God, is it that bad?” Becky asks nervously, sitting down on one of the chairs nearby.

“I wouldn’t say bad, but certainly far from your usual cool, calm, and collected.” Ashlyn answers truthfully. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Everything is going well so far and Luz is a little anxious but great…and I’m a fucking wreck when I can’t afford to be.” Becky admits before everything unleashes in a torrent. “I’ve been nothing but confident, and now tonight is here and it’s like all the nervousness I probably should’ve had along the way has hit me all at once. I just…I want this so badly for her. Ash, you know the person she is…how she has made herself every step of the way coming from nothing. Can you just imagine how she’s going to change this world, the things she’s going to do if she gets the chance? I’m just freaking out that I got something wrong or that this doesn’t go the way it’s supposed to. And then what? I don’t even know what I’d do with myself.”

“Woah Becky, easy. Take a breath.” Ashlyn leans forward a bit and puts her hand on Becky’s. “First of all, you have done every damn thing in your power for Luz and this campaign. You’ve done it right, kept an integrity level that absolutely no other politician in this country has managed. You’ve highlighted the very best of who she is, but kept her real and approachable so that people know that what they see is exactly what they get. There is truly nothing you could have done better. You’ve nailed it.”

“Thank you.” Becky says softly and actually takes a breath.

“You’re welcome, it’s the truth.” Ashlyn keeps going. “And look, after the last four years, nobody in their right mind in this country is voting Republican tonight. Certainly not in a liberal state and in an even more liberal district. Luz is on the right side of the battle and every projection for the last six months has had her miles ahead of Wagner. Not that any of us who know her need any of those projections to know that she’s winning this tonight.” She reassures her with the obvious.

“You really think she wins it?” Becky needs to hear it.

“Think? Please, I know. Without a doubt in my mind and by a landslide.” Ashlyn says confidently. “And you know it too, you’re just too close to it all to not be nervous. But the polls haven’t even closed yet, Becky…you need to chill before you pass out and can’t even make the celebratory toast tonight.”

“Thanks, Ash. Really, I fucking needed this. I don’t know what my deal is.” Becky shakes her head at herself.

“Come on, really? You haven’t figured it out?” It’s out of Ashlyn’s mouth before she can stop it. She realized it a couple weeks after she and Luz broke up while watching a local behind the scenes news special on Luz’s campaign. It was so easy to see the way Becky and Luz effortlessly balanced each other in the interview. It made her think back to how they always worked in an easy harmony, something that was damn near impossible for anyone else to achieve with Luz…but Becky had always made it look easy and the reason was obvious. It had been the final confirmation that she absolutely made the right decision.

“Realized what?” Becky looks at her inquiringly.

“You’re a mess for good reason, Becky.” Ashlyn says frankly. “It couldn’t be more clear that you believe in Luz with all your heart. You’d be and do anything for her, protect her in every way and move mountains to see her succeed in virtually anything she wants for herself. You’re the only person I have ever seen that can perfectly nurture her passion, engaging her without fueling her fire. You’ve never questioned why? Never asked yourself why you left a job you loved for one that put you in the middle of the political world you used to hate? Never noticed how you’ve thrived alongside Luz and she’s thrived with you? If nothing else, you should really ask yourself why your heart is about to beat out of your chest tonight just because your boss is about to live her dream.”

“I…” Becky looks almost stunned, her face a bit blank with slight wonderment, as if a thousand little puzzle pieces are reconfiguring in her mind to reveal a new picture. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that the last time I felt that way about someone, I told her that I loved her more than literally fucking everything in the world. And I meant it.” Ashlyn gives her a meaningful look.

Becky sits in contemplative silence for a minute before finding enough composure to make sure she clearly understands. “Ali Krieger?”

“Ali Krieger.” Ashlyn confirms simply with a nod.

“Shit.” Becky whispers as it really starts to hit her that Ashlyn is right. “What do I…I dunno if…”

“Sorry, I thought you must have realized even a little by now.” Ashlyn grimaces at her own timing, not wanting to make Becky any more overwhelmed tonight than she already is. “Let’s go back to taking a breath. This is a good thing and it’s just something you should think about and give yourself some time to understand. No need to make big moves right now or any at all, there’s time for that when everything is less crazy.”

“Yeah, ok. Wow.” Becky is still stunned, but looks a little calmer. “But do you think she…” She trails off.

“You know as well as I do that this journey is everything to her…and I think there’s a damn good reason you’re the one she chose to walk beside her.” Ashlyn says sincerely. “Whether she has realized it or not, I’m have no doubt she feels it too. You’ll know when the timing is right.” She encourages her.

“Can’t say I’ve ever felt particularly confident about timing when it comes to stuff like this.” Becky shrugs.

“Oh really?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“What?” Becky looks at her expectantly.

“Nothing. Just figured that a woman like you with that many gun licenses would know when to shoot her shot is all.” Ashlyn winks.

“Clever, Harris.” Becky cracks a smile. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Any time. Who better than your to-be girlfriend’s ex to give you the shove you need to ask her out?” Ashlyn jokes.

“Could this night get any more insane?” Becky sighs with a smile.

“Psssh, we’re just getting started.” Ashlyn gets up and crouches down in front of Becky, putting her hands on the woman’s shoulders. “Now pull yourself the fuck together for her and let’s go celebrate the shit out of that amazing woman who’s probably wondering where the fuck we are right now.”

“Right. Ok.” Becky nods and stands up. “I’ve got this.”

“You’ve got this and then some.” Ashlyn affirms, watching Becky’s face get serious before lighting up.

“We’re gonna fucking win.” Becky says resolutely with a cockily grin.

“You already fucking did. Lead the way!” Ashlyn gives her a little push in the direction they were walking before.

It’s not even close. Just an hour after the polls close, Luz is easily projected as the winner of New York State’s 10th District U.S. Congressional seat, officially the youngest woman to ever serve in the U.S. House of Representatives. Although it’s still very early on election night and Luz won’t make a speech to her supporters until later, the celebration erupts inside the private suite. No one is more animated than Becky who immediately pops bottles of champagne.

“Congratulations!” Ashlyn hugs Luz tight.

“Thank you for being here.” Luz smiles widely at her.

“Of course. I mean, good thing I voted for you.” Ashlyn teases.

“Are you sure you did?” Luz playfully narrows her eyes.

“Oh yeah, took no chances. Even took a picture of my ballot to prove it.” Ashlyn pulls out her phone and shows her.

“That’s actually illegal in New York, Ash.” Luz informs her.

“Oh I know, but so is burning down a person’s penthouse. So, I figured I’d take one for the team.” Ashlyn deletes the photo on her phone. “See…no harm, no foul, no penthouse fire.”

“You’re nuts.” Luz laughs and then looks at her warmly. “But you’re a good friend.”

“Little bit nuts...and I’m a great friend.” Ashlyn grins at the new found equilibrium between them.

They’re interrupted by Becky loudly dinging a glass so she can make a toast. Luz opts to stay where she is and comfortably links her arm with Ashlyn’s as they stand there.

“I just love that woman.” Luz eventually comments to Ashlyn with a giggle as Becky keeps rambling on in a ridiculous speech that’s some strange cross between a pep rally and a heartfelt tribute to Luz.

“Took you this long?” Ashlyn nudges Luz with a knowing smile. “Although, I might go with something other than xuxu for her, just saying.” She adds and watches Luz’s mouth drops open slightly before the woman smiles and nudges her back. It’s enough for Ashlyn to be absolutely sure that when Becky Sauerbrunn gets around to shooting her shot, she’ll be right on target.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _November 4, 2020_ **

Ali scrambles to find her phone in the darkness of her hotel room, eventually turning off the alarm that woke her. She blinks her eyes a few times and yawns, taking a minute to remember why she set a 5am alarm to begin with. 

Although the last presidential election had seen her and Kyle sobbing in the wee hours of the morning together over the elected Republican asshole that would run the country into the ground for the next 4 years, she has renewed hope this year that the country got it right. She had done her part by mailing in her absentee ballot weeks ago, and with the 6 hour-time difference in Germany she opted to get some sleep tonight so she could wake up for some hopefully early Democratic landslide win results.

She opens the CNN app on her phone to see that the U.S. Presidential race has already been called, a newly elected Democratic President is the top story. It brings a relieved smile to her face which only grows wider when she sees the second biggest headline right underneath it: _NYC’s Luz Rainha wins Historical Congressional Election._

She clicks on the story, but doesn’t bother reading it right now in her sleepy state, feeling warm inside at seeing the photo at the top of Luz smiling widely with a beaming Ashlyn and Becky on either side of her. _She always looks incredible in a suit. And marrying a historical woman, you would Ashlyn Harris._

She wonders for a few minutes what it’s going to be like to be the wife of a standout congresswoman that is bound to make numerous headlines for the next few years, and how Ashlyn’s life will change. She doesn’t think twice about the wife part, knowing if it hasn’t happened yet that it’s only a matter of time before it does. Her eyes are getting heavy, so she quickly goes back to main election page and is glad to see a slew of other important Democratic wins.

She finds herself really missing home in this moment…she’s misses Kyle, misses her friends, misses her condo and even her office, she misses NYC, and above all else, she really misses her godson_. _This trip has renewed her energy and helped her reclaim her identity, allowed her to find a center from which to launch herself again._ I found what I came for, time to go home._ Before her eyes close she quickly types a text to Sydney and just barely manages to read the reply as she falls back to sleep.

_Ali: Hey babes, I’m missing you guys and my perfect godson like crazy. Thinking of cutting this trip short and coming to Chicago for a week or so before going back to NYC. You up for a visitor?_

_Syd: UM, FUCK YES! We can’t wait to see you! Just text me when you know the deets. I’m so excited, but not as excited as Cassius who just peed when I told him. Love you huge Ali-gator!_

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 28, 2020_ **

“Want to come over to Tyler’s with me? He’s doing a whole Christmas leftovers potluck while we play Fortnite.” Kyle asks as they walk back to Ali’s place after spending the afternoon shopping for post-holiday deals.

“I know I promised him I’d come with you one of these nights, but not happening tonight. Not only am I done with Christmas leftovers, but I don’t even like video games.” Ali turns down the offer. “Besides, I haven’t been to the movies since before my trip and I miss it. Think I’m gonna go to a movie tonight.”

“I swear, you’re the only weirdo I know that likes going to the movies alone. Whatcha gonna go see?” He asks.

“I dunno yet.” Ali shrugs. “After the holiday madness, I’m not in the mood for a crowded theater. So, maybe I’ll try something more hipster.”

“Please, you’re just in it for the popcorn.” Kyle says knowingly.

“Duh.” Ali laughs.

“That artificial butter crap on it is so gross. The Raisinets are where it’s at.” He argues.

“While I never discriminate against any chocolate, Raisinets have to be the worst theater candy ever…except maybe Jujy fruits.” Ali challenges back.

“Oh bitch, don’t even be disrespecting my Raisinets!” Kyle waves his hand dramatically. “Besides, how are Jujy fruits not at the top of the worst list when you pulled off part of your braces in middle school eating those nasty ass things?!”

“Forgot about that.” Ali laughs. “Ok, Jujy fruits are the worst…followed by Raisinets.”

“I’ll take it, but you’re still an odd duck.” Kyle half concedes.

“Says the guy who’s spending his night eating Christmas leftovers and playing dorky video games in gay merriment.” Ali zings him back with satisfaction.

\----

“I say we call it a day at noon and let everyone go home early since the next couple days will be nuts with last minute details.” Kameryn suggests. “Plus, we’re on schedule for everything as of now and everyone will be running their final beta tests tonight anyway.”

“I think that’s a great idea. Watson?” Ashlyn looks at Whitney to confirm.

“Solid plan. We’ll just tell everyone to make sure to submit their beta test reports tonight and be back in by 8am so we can iron out any final bugs that might pop-up from test runs.” Whitney agrees.

“Final bugs? Pssh, you all need to be more confident in your work. How about, we’ll have plenty of time tomorrow cause there won’t be any issues tonight.” Crystal puts a more positive spin on it.

“What I wanna know is how many of us end up testing on the same shows or movies.” Megan taps her chin. “Like I could bet we have a whole lot of Stranger Things recaps tomorrow morning. We gotta whole hoard of nerds out there.” She motions her head towards the office door.

“Pinoe, you’re favorite movie is Contact.” Kameryn shoots her a look.

“Hell yeah it is! What’s not to love about a very gay 90’s Jodie Foster acting like a hot scientist? And there’s aliens!” Megan defends herself.

“Exactly. Major dork.” Ashlyn puts it succinctly before moving on. “I’m sure we’ll end up with enough variation. Although, maybe let’s agree that nobody in this room does Stranger Things just to be safe.”

“See!” Megan throws her hands up.

“We let you name the app, twerp…what more do you want from us?” Whitney looks at her is mock expectation.

“And name it you did.” Kameryn mumbles, still not the biggest fan of the name even if she can appreciate the humor.

“Yeah, and it’s fucking brilliant!” Megan exclaims.

“I wouldn’t jump to brilliant, but I happen to like it.” Crystal sides with Megan.

“Alright, alright let’s wrap up and tell everyone to go home before Pinoe’s head gets so big we can’t get out of the office.” Ashlyn reigns things in.

“Too late.” Whitney rolls her eyes at Megan standing up on her chair and pretending to be a rock star.

“Whit’s right, she can’t be saved. Save yourselves and let’s go!” Kameryn jokes as she walks out of the room.

It takes a solid minute after everyone has left the room before Megan realizes and “GUYS COME BACK!” echoes loudly through the whole floor.

\-----

“Since you bought candy, you can get the giant soda for only another 75 cents. Would you like to do that?” The girl working the concession stand asks Ashlyn.

“Yeah, actually I would. Thanks.” Ashlyn goes for it figuring that if she’s going to really test this app, might as well do it properly with as many trips to the bathroom as possible. She pays and hands the usher her ticket, walking the short distance to the correct theater.

“Gonna call that a 100% on crowd prediction and popularity. Perfect.” She says to herself when she finds the theater empty. Granted she got here half an hour early to give herself time to test the app thoroughly, but she purposely picked a theater and a movie that she knew would be quiet just to see if the app’s theater rankings were accurate. Still, she plants herself right in the front row just to put herself in the most visible position. One of her goals tonight is to make sure the app helps her be as least disruptive as possible to other moviegoers when using the program itself and when getting up to go the bathroom.

She spends a few minutes going through some of the additional features just to make sure they’re generally functioning before entering the name of the movie she’s seeing and finding it on the app’s main movie list. All that’s left to do now is hit the start button once the movie actually begins and hopefully the program runs smoothly by itself. She watches the local advertisements on the screen for a few minutes until they start to repeat and then distracts herself by starting a group text to see what everyone else is watching during their app tests tonight.

“Oh come on, seriously? No wonder this fucking place is dead.” Ashlyn grumbles to herself when she realizes there’s a wad of gum stuck to the bottom of her sneaker. She tries to get it off by rubbing her shoe against the floor, but it only makes the gum stretch and get worse. “Motherfucker.” She grabs the bunch napkins she got from the concession stand and bends down to see what she can do about it.

\----

“There’s a revival theater in Tribeca? Who knew.” Ali scrolls through the list of movie theaters on her phone.

Although she has used the Lovebug app Ashlyn put on her phone to find coffee shops every so often, she’s actually never used it to find a movie theater before because Kyle tends to make their movie plans. Tonight she’s not looking for the big theater vibe. And Kyle was right, she really just wants to peacefully veg out with some theater popcorn and watch something totally mindless tonight.

The revival theater doesn’t have a picture and it’s ranked low on the popularity list, so she debates whether or not the place will be too sketchy, eventually checking the movie showtimes to make her decision. When she sees that _E.T_. is playing in an hour, the debate is over. It’s one of her childhood favorites and an absolute classic that she’s seen hundreds of times but hasn’t watched in at least 10 years.

_This is what I’m talking about, perfect. _She sees that the place is a bit dated when she gets there, but it isn’t sketchy at all. Even better, with only 15 minutes before the movie starts, Ali finds the theater totally empty and quiet other than the advertisements playing on the screen. She heads right for her usual go-to, the middle of the back row, and settles herself comfortably with her large bucket of popcorn and bottle of water.

\----

“Good enough for now.” Ashlyn whispers to herself and sits back up in her seat, still annoyed by the remnants of gum on her sneaker that she can’t completely get rid of. She reads through the new texts that she got while cleaning up the gum mess, rolling her eyes when she sees the tit-for-tat happening because Megan jokingly replied that she was watching Stranger Things and Whitney won’t leave her alone until she confirms that she was actually kidding.

Her ears perk up when she suddenly hears a tiny giggle behind her, not realizing that anyone else had come in. She doesn’t turn around, but looks up at the screen to see the same advertisement for a plumbing company that she found funny herself the first time it played. It’s not very funny now that it’s on its third repeat since she’s been sitting here, but the amusement of the person behind her brings a smile to her face.

In just a few more seconds, that little giggle turns into a full on laugh and she finds herself chuckling too until her heart leaps into her throat at the recognition. _That laugh. I know that laugh._

“Alex?” Ashlyn’s head whips around almost automatically, her eyes searching the dim room and quickly settling on the most beautiful sight in the world.

Ali jumps at hearing her name in what she thought was an empty room, squinting her eyes to see a person in the front row smiling back her. _That dimple. Oh my god._ Every nerve ending in her body fires at once and she can barely make her voice work. “Ash?”

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now try to remember that you're happy they're finally seeing each other and don't kill me for that cliffhanger! Just imagine how good the next chapter is gonna be :-)  
On that note...  
Thoughts on the breakup with Luz?  
How do we feel about Luz and Becky?  
The A-Team is finally in the same place and about to interact with each other, is it what you envisioned?  
Predictions?  
Other thoughts?


	46. Unlocked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that glorious chapter that I've owed you for a while now? It's here! Grab some snacks, a blanket, maybe some tissues in case the feels hit you, and settle in...this is one massive chapter. I'd like to thank you all for flying Inked Airlines, we hope that you'll find the turbulence worth it once you see the accommodations that await you. Enjoy your stay :-)
> 
> Hit me with those comments, cause I'm exhausted after this behemoth chapter! As always, thanks for reading! Y'all are the best :-)

Unlocked

** _December 28, 2020_ **

_In just a few more seconds, that little giggle turns into a full on laugh and she finds herself chuckling too until her heart leaps into her throat at the recognition. That laugh. I know that laugh._

_“Alex?” Ashlyn’s head whips around almost automatically, her eyes searching the dim room and quickly settling on the most beautiful sight in the world._

_Ali jumps at hearing her name in what she thought was an empty room, squinting her eyes to see a person in the front row smiling back her. That dimple. It can’t be. Every nerve ending in her body fires at once and she can barely make her voice work. “Ash?”_

_Continuation…_

“What are you doing here?” It’s the only thing Ali can manage to say in her state of shock.

“I’m working.” Ashlyn replies lamely as her brain processes that Ali is actually in the same room and they’re talking. The sudden loudness of her own voice makes her realize that she practically shouted to be heard. She puts her finger up to signal for Ali to wait a second and quickly makes her way over to the still beaming brunette. _God, that smile. Forever the most beautiful woman in the world. _“Hi.” She says a bit more shyly.

“Hi, Ash.” Ali’s stands up with a massive smile, worrying she looks like a cheeseball but unable to do anything about it.

_Christ, she still says my name like that. _Ashlyn’s heart pounds and she can’t stop herself from reaching out for a quick hug. It should probably be awkward, but somehow it feels completely natural. She takes a much too short moment to breathe Ali in before pulling back to look at her. “You look great, Alex. How are you?” She asks sweetly.

_She always smells so damn good. Those eyes and that dimple. Fuck, don’t pass out. _“So do you. Look at this hair! I’m doing good. How have you been?” Ali reaches out to lightly touch one of the now shoulder-length, bleached blonde locks.

“Yeah, I traveled for a bit and didn’t get it cut for a few weeks. So then I ended up deciding it was time for a change and let it grow out…settled somewhere between the old surfer girl look and the butch vibe.” Ashlyn runs a hand through her hair. “And I’m great, thanks for asking.”

“I love it. It looks stunning on you.” Ali says genuinely, still beside herself at just how striking Ashlyn looks.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn turns a bit red and tries to keep her breath from hitching as Ali softly touches her hair again. “So this is crazy. What on Earth are you doing in a dead theater watching _E.T._ on a Monday night? Are you by yourself?” Her curiosity gets the best of her.

“Yep, by myself. And I believe I asked you first, Stanford. Did you say you’re working?” Ali looks at her inquisitively.

“Precise as always, Harvard girl.” Ashlyn chuckles. “But yes, I’m working. Our company stepped down from Instagram operations a while back and our focus has been on developing a new app. It’s finally ready and set to roll-out by the end of the week, so we’re running the last round of beta tests tonight. Fingers crossed that it takes off.”

“I read about you leaving Instagram in the newspaper. Bet Facebook must have been pissed! Good for you.” Ali nudges her.

“Oh they were totally flamed and threatened to sue us over non-disclosure, but they didn’t have a leg to stand on because we followed our contract to the letter. Which made them even more pissed. Triumphant really.” Ashlyn replies proudly.

“I have no doubt. That’s amazing.” Ali praises. “So, do I get to hear about this new app or is it top secret?”

“Well if I trust anyone, it’s you.” Ashlyn smiles meaningfully. “You can totally help me test it if you want.” She suggests before going for it. “I’m by myself too, so maybe I can join you?”_ Forward much, geez Ashlyn. Shit._

_Fuck yes you can. _“I’d like that.” Ali says as casually as she can even as her heart thunders in her chest. _Calm the fuck down, it’s just Ash. Just Ash?! Only the love of your life. You need to calm the fuck down._

_Holy shit. Be cool. _“Awesome. Let me just grab my stuff.” Ashlyn motions to where she was sitting and gets a nod from the brunette. She tries her best to walk calmly back to her seat to get her things even though she feels like running so she can get back to Ali faster. She uses the short break to mentally compose herself because she actually has work to do, not to mention that she doesn’t want to be a spaz around Ali.

“Can’t believe this happening. Get yourself together.” Ali whispers to herself once Ashlyn is out of earshot. She plops back down in her seat and moves her bag to the floor just so Ashlyn can pick either side to sit on. _She looks so damn good. Fuck, we’re gonna be sitting together for the next couple hours. Stop being nervous, just be normal. _She takes a couple deep breaths and before she knows it Ashlyn is back with that single-dimpled grin. “Thirsty?” Ali questions in amusement at the blonde’s huge soda.

“Not really, but to test this app properly, I need bathroom trips.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Hungry?” She playfully retorts as she points to Ali’s massive bucket of popcorn.

“Touché. I come to the movies for popcorn, don’t judge me.” Ali teasingly warns.

“Judgment free zone.” Ashlyn puts her hands up defensively after putting her soda down, choosing to sit on the brunette’s left which is closer to the aisle. “At least I finally got an answer to what you’re doing here. Popcorn, got it.” She snickers.

“Yeah that like 70% covers it.” Ali nods.

“And the other 30% is that you came for the peace of it?” Ashlyn says knowingly.

“You remembered.” Ali feels the familiar warmth radiating in her chest, just now recalling that she once revealed that in one of their many deep conversations.

“Of course I did, Al.” Ashlyn smiles back at her sweetly.

_My heart. If she calls me sweetheart, I’ll pass right the fuck out. Jesus Ali, she’s married. She’s not gonna call you sweetheart, get a fucking grip! _Ali quickly gets herself in check. “Want some?” She shifts her popcorn bowl towards Ashlyn.

“Maybe later, thank you. I’m more of chocolate girl at the theater. Want some?” Ashlyn holds up her box of Sno-Caps.

“You know what, yes I’ll take a couple.” Ali holds her hand out for Ashlyn to pour some in. “Thank god you’re not a Raisinets person.”

“Gross.” Ashlyn makes a face. “I’m all for chocolate covered fruit, but raisins? Bleh.”

“Exactly! My brother loves them and we had a whole debate before I left to come here.” Ali makes her own cringing face.

“I sure hope you won that debate.” Ashlyn chuckles. She finds herself starting to settle now that the shock of Ali being here is subsiding. That same old feeling of comfort is taking over like it always did around the brunette.

“You know I did.” Ali smirks. “So tell me about this app.”

“Right. Well, it’s gonna be really familiar to you. Remember that time you asked me what I was thinking about and I said something about how I was thinking about my favorite movies and peeing? And then eventually I mentioned that I was conferring with Whit about it and that we partnered with that smaller database company? You know, the CEO I schmoozed because _somebody_ helped me get my groove back?” Ashlyn lightly nudges Ali’s arm with her elbow.

“I absolutely remember all of that.” Ali nods.

“Ok well, all of that combined to create this fabulous app.” Ashlyn says proudly. “Here, give me your phone and you can check it out and do a beta test tonight too. Just can’t show anyone until it launches later this week.”

“You can trust me.” Ali hands over her phone. “Same rules apply about not accessing my messages and contacts because of patient info.

“I’ve always trusted you. And you can definitely still trust me.” Ashlyn assures her, but keeps the phone within Ali’s line of sight so the brunette can see what she’s doing.

“Never stopped trusting you.” Ali smiles widely.

“Nice to know we’re still on the same page then.” Ashlyn grins and finishes getting the app downloaded, handing Ali’s phone back to her. “Alright, it’s called Gopee. Open it up and give the general interface a look.”

Ali takes her phone back and notes the new app icon on her screen, a little movie board with a tiny person running. She can instantly see the familiarity as soon as she opens it. “Wait, is this like a revamp of my Lovebug app?” She asks with wide eyes.

“More like Lovebug on steroids.” Ashlyn replies. “The basic setup is a lot like your app, just more cleaned up and fancier with a bunch more features. So, you can do all the same things as on your original Lovebug app…find movies, TV shows, entertainment venues, and other businesses by various rankings and ratings.”

“So, where does going to the bathroom factor into all this?” Ali questions.

“That’s the prime feature.” Ashlyn reveals. “So, you go into the main search area here and type in a movie or TV show that you’re watching. Once it pops up, you click on it.” She watches Ali type in _E.T._ and select it. “Then right when the movie starts, you hit that green start button. Once you do that, the app will track what is going on in the movie and tell you when there are unimportant points in the plot that will give you 5 to 10 minutes to step away to use the bathroom or do whatever. And it will give you the plot details of what happened while you were gone or for any point in the movie that you choose.”

“Oh my gosh that is so cool!” Ali says excitedly. “What if you forget to hit the start button though?”

“If it can, the app will remind you based on what movie you picked and the nearest show time at the venue you’re in. But you can also just manually locate the point of the plot you’re at if you forget to start it. It runs with GPS location services on, so it usually figures out what venue you’re at and runs based on that. Which is also a goldmine for marketing because it allows local businesses to advertise and offer exclusive deals for people using the app.” Ashlyn explains. “And on a smaller scale, you can also just use the basic features to watch movies and TV at home.”

“Wow.” Ali says reverently as she plays around on it a bit. “Won’t theaters hate it though with the whole no cellphones during the movie thing?”

“Nope. The app automatically silences and dims the phone when the movie starts and the theater can offer exclusive deals to app users as well as add concession alerts to remind people to get food and drink refills.” Ashlyn tells her. “We’ve gotten top marks from all the theater reps we’ve tested it with.”

“Impressive. And oh my god, I just got the name! Go Pee! Duh.” Ali giggles.

“Yeah we gave Megan the honors of naming it and she didn’t disappoint. Bad idea, but it grew on us.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Anything else I missed on here?” Ali asks curiously as she continues to play around with the app, but is interrupted by the previews starting along with the sound getting louder and the lights dimming. “I hope you’re okay with me talking through the previews.”

“I’m hoping you’ll talk through the whole movie.” Ashlyn counters with a chuckle.

_She’s adorable. _“In that case, continue on.” Ali smiles at her.

“So there’s a really neat feature where you can schedule an official meet-up with anyone for virtually any location on Google maps. And once the person confirms, it will track everyone’s arrival and keep the group updated. That way, no more guessing about when your friends are going to show up.” Ashlyn answers Ali’s question. “We hope to add more social features like that eventually as well as some gaming, but this is a good base to start from until we see how things go. Right now it’s just U.S. based, but we will expand to Canada soon. If it takes off enough, we might consider working on something global.”

“So, so impressive.” Ali remarks again. “It must be an insane undertaking to keep this database updated.”

“Actually, not as bad as you’d think. Part of what made partnering with the other tech company so crucial was that they were able to manipulate all kinds of information that already existed out there on movie and TV plots and even full scripts. So we have a huge collection of classic and already released stuff to pull from, like_ E.T.” _Ashlyn replies. “And then Megan came up with the genius idea of getting high school and college interns to add all the newly released movies as they come out. We’ve also been using task-based employment services like Task Rabbit and Mechanical Turk to pay people a flat rate per movie or TV show that they analyze and add. So, everything stays profitable.”

“That’s brilliant.” Ali is fascinated.

“Thank you, took a solid team to make it happen. I work with amazing people.” Ashlyn says humbly. “If all goes according to plan this week, we release the app on New Year’s day. There’s already some advertising out on various social media platforms so people know it’s coming.”

“I can’t wait to try it out. It’s obviously going to be sensational.” Ali says excitedly before her brow furrows. “Unfortunately, it’s missing something.”

“What?” Ashlyn asks seriously, immediately concerned that they dropped the ball on something basic within all the complexity.

“It doesn’t have a ridiculously hard crossword puzzle with a sweet prize message from it’s fabulous creator.” Ali’s lips curl into a smile.

“Geez, you almost gave me a fucking heart attack! You can’t play me like that during beta testing, Harvard.” Ashlyn puts her hand over her heart.

Ali giggles before finding those sweet hazel eyes and getting serious. “Thank you for my message, it meant a lot to me.” She lightly taps Ashlyn’s arm. “Lovebug will always be my favorite even if Gopee takes over the world.”

“You’re welcome. And let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Ashlyn keeps her reply simple, not sure what else to say as her heart races again. She briefly looks up at the movie screen and figures there will be at least one more preview. “So, tell me about you. What have you been doing?”

“Same as usual really. Still doing sex and relationship therapy, only I have a bigger client load now that I stopped the sex surrogate practice.” Ali replies.

“So you really stopped doing it?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“Yep. You were officially my last, Stanford. It was time. I needed my personal life back, and honestly, it has been nice to take that surrogate experience and use it to enhance and recreate my routine therapy approach.” Ali says candidly.

_Get your personal life back…because serious relationships and surrogate work don’t blend. _Ashlyn nods with a tight smile as the reality comes rushing in that Ali is in a relationship. “Well, I’m honored to have been your last, Harvard.” She playfully bows her head before finding her favorite whiskey eyes. “You look happy.”

“Took me a while to get here and there were some road bumps, but I am.” Ali says thoughtfully. “You look happy yourself.”

_Loud and clear. _Ashlyn’s heart drops even though she’s happy for the brunette. “Same answer as you really. I am…but there were plenty of road bumps along the way.”

_And there aren’t any more bumps, got it. _Ali swallows thickly. There’s really not much other place to go in the conversation right now but to congratulate the woman on her engagement, maybe marriage...still, her tongue feels like it’s stuck to the roof of her mouth.

“Oh, don’t forget to hit the start button.” Ashlyn motions to Ali’s phone as the movie starts, glad for the interruption because she isn’t exactly sure what else to say at the moment.

“On it!” Ali hits the green start button, her phone dimming and going into silent mode. “I guess it works.”

“Cheers to that.” Ashlyn makes a show of holding up her giant soda and taking a few long gulps as they settle into silently watching the movie together.

Ali finds herself nervously chomping popcorn even though she’s not even hungry for it anymore. Part of her couldn’t be more thrilled to be sitting next to Ashlyn…the other part is still trying to stomach this new reality of them being friends. “Want some?” She offers when she catches Ashlyn looking over, but the blonde politely declines with a smile. It’s just as well because if they happen to accidentally bump hands in the popcorn bucket like a total cliché, she might completely lose her composure.

It dawns on Ali that she has been able to avoid this sinking feeling inside because seeing Ashlyn again and being friends hadn’t been an actual option. But it’s here now and she needs to deal with it. She wonders what it might look like and if things will turn awkward eventually with having to get to know Luz Rainha. _Stop. Just watch the movie. _She starts feeling a bit flustered and she knows she needs to just take everything one step at a time.

_Damn, she wasn’t kidding about the popcorn. _Ashlyn takes a few more side glances at the brunette, trying not to laugh at the way she’s scooping popcorn into her mouth like it’s going to disappear. She’s admittedly fascinated with the precision of her movement despite the somewhat frenzied pace. _She’s even cute eating popcorn like a starved squirrel._ Ashlyn smiles to herself before her heart drops again. _Someone else’s perfect. Chill and remember what you’re doing here. _She tries to pay better attention to how the app is working while focusing on the movie.

It seems like everything is in slow motion even though time seems to fly by at record speed. They each take a bathroom trip at different points, and before Ali knows it, E.T. is seemingly dead and she tears up like every other time she’s watched this movie even though she knows a happy ending is coming. She tries to hide the tears rolling down her face by turning her head a bit, but then Ashlyn gets her attention and hands her a tissue while mouthing the words ‘me too’ and pointing to her own tear streaked cheeks. Ali gladly takes the tissue as the two of them crack up laughing at each other before turning back to watch the end of the movie.

\------

“Glad to see I’m not the only sap who cries when E.T. dies in this movie. Every fucking time even though I know it’s coming.” Ashlyn shakes her head, both of them standing up to start gathering their things as the credits roll.

“I knoooow! And then I ask myself why I picked this movie every single time. When will we learn?” Ali laughs at herself.

“So, what’d you think of the app? Looks like the movie timing was pretty accurate.” Ashlyn notes as she motions to Ali’s phone which has seemingly turned back to normal brightness. 

“Worked flawlessly. I’m totally impressed and I’ll definitely be using it.” Ali tells her honestly, still awed by it.

“Awesome, thanks for helping me test it out.” Ashlyn smiles. “I’m more impressed by the fact that you ate all that popcorn.” She points at the empty bucket Ali is holding as they walk out of the theater towards the building exit.

“Yeah, well now I feel sick and shouldn’t have eaten all that.” Ali grimaces and tosses the bucket in the trash.

“And I’m sure you’ll do it again next time.” Ashlyn teases.

“I’m sure I will.” Ali admits, smiling when Ashlyn holds the door open for her, the cold night air hitting her face.

“Did you walk here?” Ashlyn asks knowing that the brunette lives roughly twenty minutes from here. Nervous energy starts flowing through her body again when she sees her nod yes. “Can I maybe walk you home…or like to your street?” She asks hopefully.

“I’d like that.” Ali says happily, noticing Ashlyn’s slight uncertainty in asking. “It’s fine for you to walk me home now. That was only a no-no when you were a client.” She adds knowingly.

“Ah ok, I wasn’t sure if there was still some protocol or something.” Ashlyn snickers at herself.

“Nope, we’re just two average New Yorkers now.” Ali replies easily. _Just two friends._

_Yeah two average New Yorkers who once made love to each other, but sure. _“Cool. Although, I don’t think either of us would be considered average.” Ashlyn counters as they start slowly walking.

“Fair point.” Ali smiles.

“I’m really glad we ran into each other. It’s really nice to see you…even if we both cried.” Ashlyn steers the conversation in a light direction.

“Same.” Ali replies warmly. “Although, I’m starting to think you planned for this to happen, Stanford.”

“Me? Why?” Ashlyn cocks her head to the side.

“Because I actually haven’t used the Lovebug app to find a movie theater before. And then I did tonight, and poof, there you were.” Ali teasingly narrows her eyes. “Very suspicious.”

“Ha, I wish I was that good!” Ashlyn laughs, finding Ali’s eyes as the laughter does down. “Somehow we’re just drawn to the same places.” She says vaguely.

“The bench by the bridge.” Ali nods.

“Yep, but that wasn’t the only time. I have a confession to make.” Ashlyn watches the brunette turn to look at her expectantly. “I actually saw you late last year when I was at the Blackbarn restaurant.”

Ali’s eyes go wide at the admission, too surprised to immediately remember what she was doing there. “You did? I didn’t see you. Why didn’t you say hello?” She asks softly.

“Well, I wanted to. I guess it was just a bit complicated for lack of a better word.” Ashlyn shrugs and does her best to explain without going overboard. “I was there for a business meeting. Whit and I got there early, and I saw you from the bar. You were on what seemed like a really great date or probably something more…you looked really happy, Al. I didn’t want to interrupt and then with having to be focused on business stuff, I honestly opted to head out and have our meeting somewhere else.” Ashlyn tells her the truth.

“Oh my gosh, you didn’t have to do that.” Ali shakes her head as she finally places the night Ashlyn is talking about. Of course she didn’t see her, she was too caught up in Paige and anxious about what she was about to tell her now ex. “You should’ve stayed like an hour longer so you could’ve seen how not happy I looked when I left.” She sighs.

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn questions in confusion.

“I broke up her as soon as we left the restaurant.” Ali tells her candidly.

“Oh, damn.” Ashlyn says quietly. “What happened that you went from looking at her like _that _to breaking up with her like an hour later?” She wonders out loud before realizing what she asked. “Sorry, don’t answer that…way out of line.”

“Totally fine and a simple answer. Her name is Paige and she owns a yoga studio here in the city. We actually met through Sydney, who used to be her marketing person back in Chicago. Anyway, we started off as friends and just really slowly got to know each other. And then it progressed to more and even though I wasn’t entirely sure about where it was going, I was really happy there for while…there was a lot of possibility with her.” Ali explains. “So, I took her to Blackbarn that night and told her the details about my parents for the first time. And she chose to ask for my opinion on conspiracy theories without so much as saying something sympathetic first.”

“Seriously?” Ashly’s eyes bug out.

“Seriously.” Ali nods.

“Fucking moron.” Ashlyn says in complete disgust before mumbling an apology.

“No apology needed…total fucking moron.” Ali agrees with a laugh. “Anyway, that was the last person I got invested in. As much as I stopped the whole surrogate gig to get my personal life back, it took me a while to realize I needed to just invest in myself and let whatever happens happen, you know?”

“Yeah, I completely get that.” Ashlyn replies, but isn’t exactly clear on the bottom line. “So, you’re not…” She’s unable to finish the question.

“Nope. Single as fuck.” Ali laughs and gets a little chuckle from Ashlyn who looks a bit stunned. “Is that so surprising?”

_Single. Oh god. Fucking Christ, breathe. _“Uh, well yeah…look at you!” Ashlyn finds some composure and uses her hand to motion up and down towards the brunette. “More than surprising.” She covers for herself a bit.

“Ever the charmer, Stanford.” Ali smiles. “So, I have a confession of my own.” She reveals and watches the blonde’s face turn inquisitive. She’s a bit hesitant to say it, but Ashlyn was so honest that she just spills it. “I actually saw you at some business reception thing that Sydney dragged me to, like the spring after we stopped our sessions.”

“The women’s business summit? You were there?! How did we not run into each other? I swear I said hello to Sydney that night.” Ashlyn tries to recall it, sure now that she definitely had a brief conversation with Sydney.

“Well I saw you pretty early on from across the room…and god this is gonna sound so crazy.” Ali debates whether to leave out the details, but one look at those hazel eyes and she knows the truth is coming out. _I could never lie to you. _“I totally ate a lobster cake thing that I’m allergic to… on purpose so that I’d have an excuse to leave.” She mumbles it.

“I’m sorry, did you say knowingly ate something you’re allergic to?” Ashlyn asks in confusion even as her brain pieces it together. “Wait, to get away before I saw you?”

Ali just nods shyly, feeling a bit dumb.

“Why?” Ashlyn asks somewhat dejectedly, not sure how to interpret that.

“It wasn’t really you.” Ali quickly assures her. “Part of it was just that it was so soon after…” She doesn’t finish the statement before moving to the next. “And I had told Syd enough about you that she might have pieced it together if she saw that we knew each other. I would never want to put you in that position. And that was the night Syd was introducing me to Paige, and you were there with Luz Rainha. It just seemed like a bad idea all around.”

“It would’ve been totally fine, but I can see how it had potential to be…messy.” Ashlyn nods, feeling a little better about it. “Can’t believe you fucking poisoned yourself, Harvard! I will never let you live that down by the way.”

“Not exactly a high point.” Ali laughs at herself.

“God, that seems like it was so damn long ago.” Ashlyn muses. “I was just as bad though, let me tell you. First, I spent a couple months wallowing in my sorrow. Then my friends convinced me that I needed to sleep with someone to see if I had made progress after therapy. So, I did. And let me tell you, Al…you fixed me.” She shoots Ali an insinuating look.

“You were never broken.” Ali replies resolutely.

“Oop, there she is.” Ashlyn snickers at the typical therapist response. “But thank you.” She adds meaningfully before continuing. “Anyway, that led to a whole rediscovery of casual sex, which was fun but not at all what I really wanted to be doing. And then I took off on a tropical vacation for a while to reevaluate myself…got back, and met Luz at some tech gala thing. She was like this insane wildfire that I absolutely needed to get caught up in to get myself back on track. That reception event was barely a couple weeks after we started dating.”

“Woah, that does sound like a lot. But you’ve clearly come out on top.” Ali smiles at her and loops her arm through Ashlyn’s. “Speaking of which, congratulations!” She nudges her.

“For what?” Ashlyn looks at her quizzically.

“UM! Your engagement, probably a wedding by now…the election! What a year for you two. I’m so happy for you, Ash.” Ali says genuinely.

“Wedding?” Ashlyn tries to figure out how Ali knows about Megan and Sue’s upcoming wedding before the word ‘election’ finally registers and she realizes the brunette is referring to Luz. “Wait, me? I’m so not married…or even engaged for that matter.”

“You’re not?” Ali stops walking and looks at the blonde completely baffled.

“Not at all. Luz and I broke up this past summer. We were actually never engaged, that was all tabloid gossip crap that got all twisted because I helped Megan go ring shopping for Sue.” Ashlyn explains, taken aback by how completely shocked Ali seems. “I’m lost. How did you possibly read about the engagement stuff and the election and not see all the break up news?”

_I’m literally going to kill you, Kyle. _“I’m so sorry, I had no idea. I didn’t mean to bring up…” Ali stutters out an apology, feeling awful that she said anything. Even if they weren’t engaged, Ashlyn and Luz were obviously really close and happy together. There’s no way the break up wasn’t painful.

“Relax, it’s totally fine.” Ashlyn reassures her. “I actually broke up with her.” She reveals as they start slowly walking again. “Luz is an amazing person and she was everything for quite a while…but, then I realized she wasn’t exactly everything I wanted. It was a little dicey there for a bit, but we’re good friends now. She’s actually dating her campaign manager, Becky…which I totally set up by the way.”

“So you’re…” Ali trails off, still flabbergasted.

“Single as fuck? Yep.” Ashlyn uses Ali’s line and laughs. “How did you possibly miss all that?”

“I’ll get to that in a minute, but since we’re spilling secrets left and right here…there’s something else I should really tell you.” Ali figures there’s no holding back now, being reminded by hearing Becky’s name.

“Ok…” Ashlyn nods.

“So, I know Becky Sauerbrunn from Harvard…which she told me that you two talked about knowing me.” Ali takes a deep breath and Ashlyn nods again. “Ash, when I saw that awful article in the newspaper with the leaked stuff about your family history, I figured out pretty quick that it had to be Sloane behind it. The motives, it just fit way too well. And then I saw Becky’s name as Luz’s campaign manager…I got in touch with her and tipped her off about you having an ex that might be involved. All I knew to tell her was Sloane’s name and that she had last been in North Carolina, but I promise I didn’t tell Becky a single thing about how I knew you. I actually didn’t even tell her that I knew you. I’m really sorry I meddled like that. I honestly don’t regret it, but I’m still sorry I didn’t go to you about it first.”

“Well no wonder Becky was all over it. Kinda thought the woman was some crazy good spy hunter.” She shakes her head with a smile. “After I asked Becky if she knew you at Harvard, I actually told her all about you and how we knew each other. She never mentioned that you told her about Sloane.”

“Yeah, she eventually told me you two talked about us. I made her promise not to tell you that I talked to her. I’m sorry, Ash.” Ali says apologetically, looking at the ground as they walk along.

“Don’t be. Not even a little sorry.” Ashlyn reaches to hold the brunette’s forearm that is still looped through her own. “I’m actually touched that you cared enough to do that for me. Who knows how it would’ve gone if you hadn’t pointed Becky towards Sloane. That was a real turning point for me in terms of embracing my past more publicly and being proud of who I am because of it. So really, thank you.” She squeezes Ali’s arm lightly.

“I still really should’ve had the guts to just come directly to you, but you’re welcome.” Ali feels relieved with everything out in the open now. “So, Becky and Luz are really a thing? No wonder I haven’t heard from Becky even though the election madness is over.”

“Oh yeah, totally a thing. They’re actually perfect for each other. Not sure how I didn’t see it sooner, but love is blind and all that.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“I can actually see that just based on knowing Becky pretty well and from what I’ve read about Luz.” Ali considers it.

“Mhmm.” Ashlyn nods. “Now, are you going to tell me how you managed to miss my front page break-up story on like every New York media source and then some?”

“Easy. I was internationally traveling and didn’t read the newspaper or even pay attention to much U.S. news other than the basic election results.” Ali says simply.

“Yeah, I admittedly looked at your Instagram not that long ago and saw you had posted some new pictures. They’re beautiful. How long were you gone?” Ashlyn chooses not to make things any more intense tonight by mentioning her new tattoo. There has already been enough from tonight’s conversation to keep her mind occupied for weeks.

_Ok, and she’s looking at my Instagram. What does that mean? _Ali can’t help but feel a sense of hopefulness after everything she has learned so far. “I was gone most of the summer and through the fall. I actually just got back to the city around Thanksgiving.” She answers the question.

“Wow, that’s a pretty long time_.” _Ashlyn says with interest_. No wonder she had no idea about me and Luz. _“Did you just catch the travel bug or…?”

“Something like that. I actually had a cancer scare earlier this summer that sort of sent me into a tailspin for a couple weeks there before I caught the travel bug.” Ali divulges nonchalantly.

“What do you mean you had a cancer scare?” Ashlyn comes to a halt and turns to face her, her heart dropping into her stomach. “Are you ok?” She reaches to lightly hold the brunette’s shoulders, her hands shaking slightly.

“I’m fine, I promise. They found a nodule in my lung on one of those annual routine scans I do.” Ali says calmly, unable to glance away from the worried and caring hazel eyes that desperately search her face. _God, the way you look at me…it hasn’t changed._

“Jesus Christ.” Ashlyn breathes out.

“They did a biopsy and it was nothing. Just some stupid growth likely triggered by an infection I got from a cold. Scared the crap out of me and practically put me in mid-life crisis mode, but it’s totally fine.” Ali assures her. “I just felt the need to get the hell away from this city and all things 9/11 for a while, you know? I kind of realized I had never done that properly and just needed a reset. It has been quite the year for me.”

“Yeah, fuck. That’s terrifying.” Ashlyn nods, hating that she didn’t know about it. “I’m so glad you’re ok. I wish I had known. I mean, obviously I couldn’t have known, but I still wish I did and could’ve been there for you somehow.”

“You know, I actually told myself that if things didn’t go well, that I’d call to tell you. No idea if I would have followed through, but I planned to.” Ali reveals.

“Really?” Ashlyn’s asks softly.

“Really.” Ali smiles. “Besides, you’ve managed to be there for me when I’ve needed you most.”

“I have?” Ashlyn looks at her questioningly.

“You totally have.” Ali nods. “So last year, I went to the 9/11 Memorial ceremony by myself for the first time because Kyle had jury duty. I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. And then this last one, I was traveling to get some space from it all…and so Kyle went by himself for the first time while I was in Tasmania. But I still had a hard time, mostly feeling oddly disconnected and knowing Kyle was on his own. Do you know what helped us get through it both times?”

“What?” Ashlyn doesn’t quite see the connection to her.

“Cherry Coke and Reese’s peanut butter cups. And knowing that we weren’t alone and that someone else cared about him and us too.” Ali says emotionally.

_Oh fuck._ “Oh…I…god, I didn’t think you’d see that. I didn’t mean to insert myself…I swear I thought they cleared stuff away before the ceremony.” Ashlyn puts her hand on her forehead as she rambles nervously.

“Hey.” Ali calmly moves the blonde’s hand away from her forehead and then moves to gently stroke Ashlyn’s cheek with her thumb. “It meant the world to me, and it always will. I truly can’t thank you enough for that, Ash.”

Ashlyn melts into the contact, everything inside settling at the familiar soothing touch. “Anytime.” She whispers. _What I wouldn’t give to kiss you right now. _The urge is powerful and she leans in for a hug before she does something stupid.

_The way you hold me…I’ve missed you so much. _Ali hugs her tight for a few moments, breathing in her scent and remembering how it feels to be held so perfectly like this. She pulls away so it doesn’t get weird and smiles at her, getting a dimpled grin in return. “Oh shit!” She suddenly exclaims when she looks around and realizes.

“What’s wrong?” Ashlyn asks a bit startled by the outburst.

“So embarrassing. We walked right by my place. It’s like a block back.” Ali turns red.

“Can’t blame me for that one.” Ashlyn laughs heartily. “I’m totally not letting you live this one down either, even if I was distracting you.”

“Ugh.” Ali let’s out a soft groan. “I wouldn’t let me live it down either.” She giggles at herself.

They walk the rest of the way to Ali’s condo in a comfortable quiet, each of them trying to wrap their head around the things they’ve learned tonight.

“This is me.” Ali stops walking and points to her door.

“Cool building, even cooler door.” Ashlyn looks it over, noting the bright red door and the black numbering on it.

“Thanks. My Dad picked that color.” Ali stands there shifting her weight from foot to foot. Her heart is pounding again, the anxiousness back in full force as she waits to see what Ashlyn is going to say.

“I like it.” Ashlyn smiles and stands there looking at the brunette for a few moments, her stomach fluttering nervously as she waits for Ali to say something. _Why is she so quiet?_

_What are we doing right now? _Ali can’t take the strange silence that is starting to feel weird. “It was so good to see you tonight.” She keeps it simple, hoping Ashlyn will pick up from there.

“It was amazing to see you too, Al. Totally fun, even if all those revelations made my head spin.” Ashlyn smiles. _Come on, say you want to meet up again._

“Seriously.” Ali smiles back at her and waits again for a few seconds. _Nothing. You’re really not to suggest we at least say in touch? I can’t be the one to lead this and fuck it up. _“Well, goodnight. Get home safe and sleep well.” Ali’s heart falls with a feeling of doom.

_Fuck. I thought…shit, I guess she doesn’t want to...fuck, fuck! _Ashlyn feels like she’s going to throw up. _Just be glad you saw her. Fuck. _“I will. Goodnight, Al. Sleep well.” She leans in for another quick hug and tries to memorize everything about it, leaving a tiny kiss on Ali’s hair that she’s sure the brunette can’t feel.

“Night.” Ali tries not to cry as she turns and walks toward her door, opening it and giving Ashlyn a wave before she goes in. “What the fuck was that?” She leans against the back of her door and sinks right down to the floor with her face in her hands as the tears start falling.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck just happened?” Ashlyn whispers to herself in shock, walking away quickly in despair. _Why was that so fucking awkward just now? I thought we both…I don’t understand._ Her whole chest hurts as she tries to make sense of it. Ali has always been direct and forward with her, but she said nothing…not a fucking word. If that wasn’t a loud and clear ‘we’re not gonna be in touch’, she doesn’t know what is.

Ashlyn goes over the night in her head as she walks home, trying to remember if she confessed something that was way over-the-line or offensive. _But she didn’t seem upset about any of it, and she would have told me, right? She seemed happy to see me. We’re both single, so there’s nothing in the way that would make it awkward for us to stay in touch. Should I have said something at the end there? _Everything swirls in her mind for a while. _Maybe the therapist thing is still too weird_? Her eyes widen as soon as she thinks it.

“Oh my god.” Ashlyn stops walking and pinches the bridge of her nose. “You’re not her fucking client anymore, Ashlyn! Jesus fucking Christ! Why were you waiting on her like she’s your damn therapist?! The fuck did you want her to do, schedule you a fucking appointment?! What are you even doing?!” She yells at herself loudly enough that a few people walking by stare at her. “Fuck no. I’m not falling into that again. You’re not her fucking client, you idiot!”

Ashlyn turns and runs back in the direction she came from, sprinting as fast as she can for at least ten blocks before Ali’s place comes back into view. She slows down and tries to catch her breath as she approaches the red door. She’s still breathing heavily, but she can’t wait another second to do what she should’ve done to begin with.

“Ugh, really? Use your fucking key.” Ali groans when she hears her doorbell. She was expecting Kyle to go back to his apartment tonight, but clearly not. She’s really not up for dealing with anyone right now and looks at herself in the bathroom mirror, glad that wiping off her makeup makes it look like she wasn’t just crying a few minutes ago. She takes a breath to compose herself and puts on a smile before opening the door.

“Ash?” Ali is surprised to see the blonde standing on her doorstep and looking somewhat winded. “What’s the matter?”

“Sorry, nothing is the matter.” Ashlyn smiles at her. _So fucking beautiful, exactly as you are. _She quickly snaps herself out of staring at the brunette who is looking at her half-concerned and half-befuddled. “We’re having a big New Year’s Eve party Thursday night to launch the app at midnight. Tell me you’ll come.” It comes out so desperate and hurried that she practically cringes at herself. _Really fucking smooth, Ashlyn. Chill! _“You’ve pretty much been a part of it since the beginning and you totally helped me beta test it tonight. I really want you to be there.” She adds more coolly.

_Wow, ok. So maybe this is happening. _“I’d love to.” Ali beams, her heart ready to explode before reality hits her. “Oh, well fuck. I actually don’t think I can. I have plans with my brother and I really shouldn’t just leave him hanging. Maybe I can check with him, but I really don’t know.” She’s about to suggest that maybe they can make plans for another day when Ashlyn speaks up.

“Bring him. Bring anyone you want.” Ashlyn says eagerly, everything inside almost vibrating.

“Oh uh, well maybe I could...” Ali considers it. She knows she could easily get Kyle to come with her, but it’s also not that simple. “It’s just that while I’d never tell anyone anything about you that would reveal your identity…I’ve honestly told him enough that he’s going to put it together. I don’t want to put you in that position, Ash.” She tells her frankly.

“That’s not even a concern for me. I don’t hide anything anymore, I mean that. As long as you’re ok bringing him, I’m more than good. I really want you there, Al.” Ashlyn practically begs. _Please say yes, please say yes._

Ali takes another couple seconds to think it over, but one glance at the way Ashlyn looks at her and she knows that come hell or high water, she’ll be there. _How am I supposed to say no to you? _“Ok, I’ll be there.”

_YES!_ “Yeah?” Ashlyn keeps her voice casual even though she can’t hold back the huge smile on her face.

_That fucking dimple will end me. _“I wouldn’t miss it for anything. Yes.” Ali smiles back at her.

“Ah, perfect!” Ashlyn quickly pulls out her phone and finds the invitation email. “Do you still have the same email so I can forward you the invite?”

“Yep, still the same.” Ali confirms.

“Ok, just sent it. It’s at the 1 Hotel Brooklyn Bridge in the Harriet Rooftop Bar & Lounge. It starts at 8pm and I’ll make sure you and Kyle are on the list before I go to bed tonight. You can let me know if you want to bring anyone else. Oh, and it’s like a black tie thing technically, but I swear you can wear whatever you want.” Ashlyn gives her the details.

“Well you can assume Kyle will have us in full-on black tie attire when he hears that.” Ali shakes her head with a laugh.

_Her laugh is everything. _“I’m so happy you’re coming.” Ashlyn says sweetly. “I also can’t wait to meet, Kyle.”

_You’re perfect_. “Me too.” Ali replies happily.

“I guess I better let you get to bed.” Ashlyn locks onto the whiskey eyes that have mesmerized her from day one. “Sweet dreams, Alex.” She leans in for a hug.

“Sweet dreams, Ash.” Ali holds on for another second before letting go. She watches Ashlyn walk a few steps away from the door before the woman turns to give her a little wave and continues down the sidewalk. She closes the door and finds herself leaning back against it yet again, this time with her hand over her drumming heart and a huge smile on her face. “Cannot believe that just happened.”

Despite the thrill, Ali can feel how totally exhausted she is and quickly finishes getting ready for bed. The internal panic doesn’t start until her head hits the pillow. _Is it a date? It’s a company event, it can’t be a date. Fuck, what does this whole thing even mean? She wants me there…but, like as friends? Was this more than that? Fuck. _“Ugh!” She groans loudly at how unclear and confusing it all is. “For fuck’s sake, just worry about it tomorrow.” She forces herself to stop freaking out about it for now and focuses on the good things. With that, she goes to get Ashlyn’s hoodie and puts Taylor Swift’s _This Love _on repeat before snuggling into bed and going to sleep.

\---

By the time Ashlyn gets home, she doesn’t even know how she got there, practically floating distractedly the whole way with a dumb smile on her face. “So damn late.” She grumbles to herself when she realizes it’s almost 1am. She heads right upstairs and strips down to her boxers, going into her closet to find Ali’s Harvard hoodie where she hung it up after wearing it to get her tattoo a few months ago. She gets into bed and holds it against her face. It doesn’t smell like Ali at all anymore, but it doesn’t matter. Ali’s scent is still fresh in her senses along with that smile, that laugh, and those eyes._ I’m not letting you go this time._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 29, 2020_ **

“I told you fools to be more confident. Beta tests done and nothing wrong, booyah!” Crystal gloats.

“Well not nothing, but at least nothing important that the normal program team can’t easily handle in like an hour.” Whitney sits back in relief now that they’re done going over the test reports from last night.

“I’d bet my bank account that your ass cheeks are clenched so tight that nobody could even wedge a dime in there.” Megan teases Whitney.

“It’s a solid bet.” Ashlyn laughs.

“I’ll put $100 on it.” Kameryn joins in.

“I’m not even giving you the satisfaction of a response.” Whitney doesn’t bite.

“Ya just did, but ok.” Megan smiles mischievously. “And don’t you be laughing, butch…did you seriously go out to a theater last night and watch _E.T_.? What are you, five years old?” She teases Ashlyn as she looks over the beta test summary report.

“_E.T._ is a classic! And technically, I sat in a theater and mostly watched Ali Krieger watch _E.T_.” Ashlyn shrugs with a little smile.

“UM!” Kameryn gets up and storms the few feet to the empty chair next to Ashlyn and plops herself into it. “Come again?”

“EXXXXSQUEEZE ME?!” Megan yells out.

“Woah, woah, what?” Whitney raises her eyebrows.

“Yeppp.” Ashlyn just nods and says nothing else.

“How?” Crystal finally utters a word after sitting there looking at Ashlyn incredulously.

By the time Ashlyn gives them the basic rundown of what happened last night, they’re all looking at her incredulously.

“So, let me get this straight. She used the original version of the app to pick a lame ass movie. You used the new version of the app to pick the same lame ass movie. You two beta tested the new app by watching the lame ass movie together. Then your lame ass left her hanging before finally being a fucking stud by running back to her door like some absurd romantic comedy. And now she’s coming to our party.” Megan gives her summary.

“I hate you, but yes.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Is this like a date or…” Kameryn asks.

“I have no fucking clue.” Ashlyn shrugs with a sigh. “I just asked her to come, but I didn’t specify either way and I have no idea what she’s thinking. I mean, it can’t be a date if neither of us even came close to mentioning dating or being together, right? Plus, this is not exactly what I would want our first real date to be. Fuck, did I fuck this up?”

“No way, Boss Lady.” Crystal immediately reassures her. “This is huuuuge! Doesn’t matter what either of you think it is, you know what you want and you’ll roll with whatever happens and get there.”

“Damn it, why the fuck does Kell have to be working today?!” Kameryn says in exasperation. “Not only would she be jumping up and down right now, but she’d be all over this. This is the part I suck at, so count me as useless.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call you useless, but yeah, really gonna need some Kelley time tonight when she emerges from your hotel room.” Ashlyn replies half-jokingly.

“Think we’re missing the huge thing here.” Whitney is the last to respond, taking everything in and thinking it over carefully, as usual. “How are you feeling about it all? About her?”

“Happy, really nervous, also hopeful. You guys, seeing her again was like the whole world just exploded. I can’t even describe what it felt like, but the closest is probably like coming home after you’ve been gone a really long time. You know, the feeling that it’s been forever, but also like no time at all. Where your time way was good, but then you’re excited to be back and there’s this instant comfort because everything is exactly as you left it. It smells the same and it feels the same, only better because you’ve missed it and appreciate it all that much more.” Ashlyn says almost dreamily. “It was all perfectly the same between us, but also with this new dynamic. In literally one second, I knew I loved her more than ever. And I almost don’t even care if I have to just be her friend for the rest of my life. I mean, obviously I care and want more than that…but as long as I can be beside her, I’m happy. I love how it feels to be right beside her.”

“Oh my god.” Kameryn puts her hand over her heart sentimentally.

“Well shit, boo. Just tell her all that. And if she just wants to be your friend, I’ll slap her myself.” Crystal snaps her fingers.

“Ok Sherlock, please tell me this is going to be a gut thing. Because it has to be one of your gut things, it just does.” Whitney implores her meaningfully. When Ashlyn truly believes in something, she goes with her gut without fear, hesitation or overthinking. Some of the greatest things in her best friend’s life have come from that pure instinctual place and she hopes to god this is one of them.

“Yeah Watson, this is a gut thing. So much so that I don’t have any game plan at all right now, and somehow that’s not scaring the crap out of me like it probably should be.” Ashlyn admits.

“But you’re going for it, right? No holding back?” Whitney checks.

“Full speed, no stops. I’m definitely not letting this whole thing slip away again. I can’t and I won’t.” Ashlyn says with determination. “I’m driving blind as fuck, but I once told her that I’d get into a car with her a million times over even if I knew I was gonna crash into a wall and get mangled. Time to prove it I guess.”

“Oh god, my heart can’t take this.” Kameryn fans her eyes. “Now I’m all revved up and want to go back to the hotel to pull Kell away from her call and love the fuck out of her until she can’t breathe. Buuut I can’t and you fucking suck, Harris!”

“Uhmm, I’m sorry?” Ashlyn raises her eyebrows.

“Banging Sue on the bar right now would be hot.” Megan taps her chin and smirks. “Annnway, most important question...” She looks at Ashlyn. “Are you sure she’s coming to the party?”

“Fucking mood killer, twerp.” Whitney rolls her eyes.

“Says the woman whose middle name is buzzkill.” Megan quips back. “It’s an important question!”

Ashlyn just pulls out her phone and shows them the text she got about an hour ago.

_Alex Krieger: I asked my brother, well ok, I actually commanded him. The two of us will be there. Thanks for the invite, can’t wait to celebrate! :-)_

_Ashlyn: Can’t wait either! :-) :-)_

“Oh, double smiley faces. Butchie is really, really hitting the gas now.” Megan teases.

“Alrighty, these three have things handled up in here, so let’s go.” Crystal walks over to Ashlyn and tugs her arm.

“Go where?” Ashlyn wrinkles her forehead.

“We are gonna go hit the gym hard. We have two days to get those abs majorly poppin’.” Crystal informs her and tugs her arm harder.

“How about we focus on step one and not like step ten. Cause pretty sure Thursday night is step one and step one doesn’t involve any kind of nudity.” Ashlyn stays seated in her chair.

“Step one is that you are wearing that navy blue pinstripe suit with absolutely nothing underneath the jacket on Thursday night. That feminist power tattoo is gonna draw her eyes right in and that upper ab definition line is gonna keep them there all night.” Crystal challenges back.

“Second that.” Megan raises her hand up.

“Third it!” Kameryn joins in.

“Fourth! The motion has passed and you are going to the gym. Have a nice sweaty afternoon, Sherlock!” Whitney bangs the desk and waves her hand in playful dismissal.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Ashlyn breathes out, getting up to follow Crystal before the surprisingly strong woman comes back to yank her arm any harder.

\-----

** **

** **

“Alright, you are fucking killing me here, beebee.” Kyle huffs as Ali tries on what has to be the twentieth dress of the day. “You make me cancel the rest of my day so we can shop while telling me virtually nothing. I need more to work with.”

“Ky, I told you. I’m sorry to change our plans, but I just need you to come with me to this New Year’s Eve party and not ask questions.” Ali repeats for the third time since they had coffee this morning. She feels bad because he’s being such a good sport, but she can’t deal with her own anxiety on top of his sure-to-be total freak out if she was to give him any more details. She knows he’s in for the shock of his life, but she can’t focus on that right now.

“Yeah but Al, all I know is that we’re going to some exclusive party thing and that it’s black tie. That leaves so much room for like…anything!” Kyle tries again. “So fine, you’re not gonna tell me who invited you, but like… are we talking friendly? Work related? Are we looking to get a date out of it? Or perhaps just a hot fuck? Give me a fucking crumb to work with, woman!”

“Ugh.” Ali groans as she looks at herself in the red dress she’s wearing that is definitely not it. “That’s the problem! It’s like somewhere in the midst of everything you just said except for the work related one, and I just don’t fucking know.”

“Ok, ok, easy.” Kyle puts his hands up and then rests them on her shoulders. “So, can we just say that we’re going in friendly and hoping to come out way more than friendly?”

_Only the person that I love more than anything in the world, but sure, friendly._ “Yeah, I’d say that covers it.” Ali nods.

“Ok, I can work with that. See, was that so fucking hard?!” He rolls his eyes are her.

“Just please help me.” Ali sighs.

“Step into my office.” Kyle motions to the dressing room teasingly. “First of all, every single thing you have picked out is a hell no.”

“I know!” Ali groans again. “Thanks a fucking lot.” She adds in a grumble.

“Well, it’s not like any of it was bad. It’s just not right for what you’re going for. They were all too flashy red carpet glamour. Too much!” He waves his hand dramatically. “You want people to notice you…well, _someone_ to notice you…but not because you’re like a flashing sign or something. We need simple, but eye catching.”

“Ok, I like that. So, what are we talking here?” Ali urges him to get to the point.

“What you need is a little black dress, hunny. Can’t go wrong with that. Simple and elegant, but we’ll find one with just enough edge that you’ll knock their socks off.” Kyle says simply.

“Sold. Lead the way.” Ali points to the rack of black dresses in the corner of the boutique they’re in.

“Mmm’kay, let’s see.” Kyle starts looking through dresses in her size while Ali checks her email. “Nope, nope, nope…meh, not quite…nope…” He goes through them one by one, voicing his disapproval until the second-to-last one where he lets out a little squeak. “Ding, ding, ding!” He pulls it off the rack and holds it up. “And here I was thinking we were gonna have to move onto the next store. Try it on.”

Ali sighs at his antics and just grabs it from him without really looking at it, more than over this whole shopping trip.

“Oh fuck yes! Boom, ya welcome!” Kyle claps his hands excitedly as his sister comes out of the dressing room.

“You’re sure it’s not too much?” Ali looks herself over in the mirror, admittedly thinking she looks really good in it. Still, while the dress is really elegant, it’s a little more edgy than she was expecting with a plunging neckline and a high slit that runs most of the way up her left thigh.

“It’s perfect and you look beautiful in it. You’re gonna kill in that dress.” Kyle persuades her.

“Speaking of kill…” Ali changes the subject while she thinks about the dress for a few more minutes. “How could you possibly not tell me that the ‘Gay Royal Couple’ broke up?!” She uses air quotes while making a face at him.

“Oh don’t you even, Miss ‘Get a fucking hobby, Kyle!’” He mocks her back with her air quotes. “Do you really think I was going to call you like a fucking week into your Pacific adventure to tell you they broke up after you personally attacked me? Riiiight.”

“Ok, fiiine. You could have at least filled me in when I got back.” Ali counters.

“Please that news was old as fuck by the time you got back and long forgotten. Why does it matter?” Kyle questions.

“Just made myself look like an idiot when I was talking to someone about it. So, might have been nice to know.” She goes with vague truth.

“Whatever, is this a yes to the dress? Cause I’m fucking starving.” Kyle appeals to her and gets them back on track.

“I think so. I love it, but are you sure?” She needs the extra encouragement.

“It’s stunning and looks flawless on you. You look better than the model that got paid thousands to wear it in our catalogue, that’s for sure.” The saleswoman chimes in as she walks by.

“Well she’s totally paid to say that and she wants the commission, but she’s not wrong. You look fabulous, Al. Truly.” Kyle makes her spin around.

“God, this is so much pressure.” She debates it one last time.

“Look, if you go home without a hot date or a hot fuck or whatever the hell it is that you’re aiming for… it’s not gonna be because of that dress, babes. Cause fiiiire!” He makes a sizzling noise as he touches her arm.

“Ok, this is the one then. Done.” Ali gives herself one more look. _Hopefully the dress that changes my whole damn life._

“Praise the Laaaawwwd! I shall finally have dinner! He hath been saved!” Kyle exclaims dramatically and attracts the attention of the saleswoman again, who just laughs at him and tells Ali that she’ll ring up the dress.

“I can’t take you anywhere.” Ali scowls at him in embarrassment.

“And yet, you have to take me to the paaaaarty!” Kyle singsongs at her, ready to milk this for all it’s worth the next two days.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 30, 2020_ **

“Ashlyn! To what do I owe this phone call? Been so long, how are you?” Nancy is taken off guard when she answers her phone and her former client greets her.

“I know, it really has. I miss you, Nance. And I’m good. About to launch our new app tomorrow and feeling great about that.” Ashlyn replies. Yesterday she was all gung ho about how she would proceed with Ali, but after a lot of thinking last night, she’s feeling a bit more apprehensive. “So, I’m calling for some advice that I’m pretty sure only you can give me.”

“I miss you too. Excellent news about the app, congratulations!” Nancy says cheerily before getting down to business. “Advice that only I can give you, huh? That sounds ominous, but color me intrigued.”

“So, I randomly ran into Ali the other night.” Ashlyn tells her without fanfare.

“Ok, well that makes things a bit clearer. Keep talking.” Nancy encourages her to continue.

Ashlyn gives her a quick summary of what happened, not bothering much with details because they don’t really matter right now. “She’ll be at the launch party tomorrow, and I had every intention of at least trying to pursue something between us…” She pauses to decide how she wants to word it.

“And that has changed?” Nancy asks during the silence.

“Well, I’m not sure.” Ashlyn sighs. “I want to, but I’m worried that maybe I’ll be putting her in an awkward position by doing that.”

“Hmmm ok, give me more on that. Well actually, tell me first…how did it feel to you the other night? Were things the same, different...did it feel like you were in the same roles?” Nancy presses her.

“At first, it was the same feeling of just being happy to see her and be around her. Like everything clicked and it was so easy and natural. All those things I’ve always loved about being with her.” Ashlyn explains. “Then towards the end, it’s not like any of that changed, but I also let myself fall into the role of being her client for a bit there. Like just out of habit maybe. But then obviously I realized and I let myself break out of that. And then it was different after that with the freedom of not really having that boundary there. So, it felt changed in a great way…knowing that I kind of have the ability to create a path for us, I dunno.”

“Good.” Nancy says simply. “So, if you felt that things were good in that new dynamic between you, why are you hesitant moving forward with it? In what way are you putting her in an awkward position?” Nancy probes.

“I guess because, what if it’s not different for her? If I put it all out there and she’s still in that therapist mindset towards me…I don’t want to put something on her that she doesn’t feel like she can do, you know?” Ashlyn finally gets down to the problem.

“Ah, I see.” Nancy thinks about it for a second. “Well Ashlyn, I think we both know what you’ve valued most about your relationship with Ali.”

“Yeah, our honesty with each other. That couldn’t have been more apparent the other night.” Ashlyn replies, thinking about how they each spilled all those confessions to each other at the first chance they got because there has never been any other way to do things between them.

“Right. So, why fight that?” Nancy tells her candidly. “Do what has always worked for you. Be honest with her and remember that neither of you individually gets to make the choice this time. Ali is a big girl, and she’ll decide what’s right for her just as much as you will. And it’s what you then decide together that will determine your path forward. Just do what you want to do Ashlyn, and let her figure out what she wants to do based on that. Make sense?”

“That’s what I'm missing.” Ashlyn smiles to herself. “It’s like I can feel that we’re in a different place than before, but I’m not used to it. Think I get it now. It’s not about being on my path or her path anymore, but it’s about where they meet and how we navigate that.”

“Bingo.” Nancy confirms. “How are we doing now?”

“Much better. Thanks, Yoda.” Ashlyn says contently.

“Anytime.” Nancy laughs at the nickname.

“You know, I’m not sure I ever fully thanked you for bringing her into my life, but I should have.” Ashlyn’s voice is sincere. “Doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll always be grateful.”

“Yeah well, newsflash…so is she.” Nancy gives her the truth. “Good luck, Ashlyn.”

“Thanks Nance, have a good day.” Ashlyn hangs up and lets out a long breath. _Nowhere to go now but forward._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** _December 31, 2020_ **

“You said it was in Brooklyn and we’re in Brooklyn now, can I pleeeease get a hint?” Kyle begs from the back of the Uber.

“Ok fine. We’re going to the launch party for the new Gopee app.” Ali says nonchalantly even though her blood pressure probably just shot up from merely saying it out loud.

“WHAT?! Are you even serious right now? The Instagram Queendom’s new power play? How in the fuck did you score us an invite to one of the most exclusive events in NYC tonight?!” Kyle squeals at the news.

_Great, if he’s already freaking out… _“Not a big deal, I know someone who worked on it and they invited me.” Ali says vaguely, unable to handle his drama any sooner than it needs to happen.

“No big deal?! You’re killing me!” He continues to squeal and clap his hands.

“Please don’t embarrass me. I’m begging you.” Ali appeals to him.

“Relax. I’ll be on my best behavior.” He eyes her curiously. “So, what you’re really saying is that you have your eye on said person who has worked on this app. And why haven’t I heard about this new person you’re suddenly all into?”

“Because I’ve known them for a while now and just happened to run into them the other day. We had a really good conversation and I got invited to come tonight. I have no idea what exactly it means or if it means anything at all. So yes, I have my eye on them and I’m a little nervous, but tonight is really just about this app and celebrating. So just cool it.” Ali tells him plainly.

“I still feel like you’re not telling me something, but it’ll do for now.” Kyle nudges her. “Glad you’re at least thinking about getting back on the horse, queen. Of course, that dress_ is_ perfect for a good ride.” He winks at her in insinuation.

“This was a really bad idea.” Ali groans.

“Too late! Looks like we’re here!” Kyle looks out the window like a kid in a candy store as they pull up to the entrance of the elegant hotel.

\---

“Seriously butch, stop looking at the door.” Megan gets Ashlyn’s attention after she zones out of their group conversation for at least the tenth time in the last twenty minutes.

“Oh uh, I’m sorry. What was the question?” Ashlyn gets herself out of her own head, feeling bad that she’s more focused on the door and her watch than her friends.

“Dang bitch, pull yourself together. You’re spaced out as fuck.” Megan elbows her for good measure.

“She’ll be here, Ash.” Kameryn adds some encouragement.

“Right, you’re right. I’m just getting antsy.” Ashlyn looks at her watch yet again, seeing that it’s already 9:15pm.

“Only dorks show up to these things on time. As evidenced by this room full of programmers.” Crystal motions around the room while Pierre nods in agreement.

“Ry, can you go get her a bourbon, double and neat?” Whitney asks her boyfriend who immediately goes to the bar a few feet away. “Relax Sherlock, you’re almost as bad as Pinoe walking around telling everyone that she named the app even though they all already know.” She goes for distraction and is glad to get a genuine chuckle out of Ashlyn.

“I’ve told like two people tonight, geez!” Megan makes a face.

“Pretty sure you brought it up in the middle of sex the other night.” Sue pipes right up.

“I did not!” Megan swats her arm.

“I’m inclined to believe Sue on that one.” Kelley shows up with drinks for her and Kameryn, taking one look at Ashlyn and realizing the woman is jittery as hell.

“Here, Ash.” Ryan hands Ashlyn her bourbon.

“Thanks.” Ashlyn gives him a tight smile and takes a sip, her eyes darting back to the door again.

“Alright Ms. Harris, get a fucking grip.” Kelley hands Kameryn their drinks and goes to put her hands on Ashlyn’s shoulders. “You’re launching your next big app tonight and you get to do it with the love of your life in the room with you. That’s a total win no matter what else happens. And if you fuck it all up by being a bumbling idiot, I’ll be pissed. Now get your shit together, get your ass in the driver’s seat, put the fucker in gear, and be the smooth motherfucking operator that you are.” She finishes by lightly smacking Ashlyn’s cheek.

“Ok, I’ve got this.” Ashlyn says to convince herself.

“You’ve got this.” Kelley repeats and lightly smacks her again.

“Slap me again and I’ll kill you.” Ashlyn deadpans.

“She’s ready!” Kelley turns around and grabs her drink from Kameryn, holding it up towards Ashlyn. “To Ash not crashing and burning.” Everyone joins her in saying some kind of cheers and takes a sip of their drinks.

“Well thanks a fucking lot, life coach.” Ashlyn shoots her a playful look and sips her bourbon just as her eyes catch what she’s been looking for all night. _Alex. _Her lungs involuntarily suck in a sharp breath and she inhales the bourbon she was drinking, a choking cough coming out as her throat burns with the alcohol.

“Woah, you ok? Easy.” Whitney taps her back as Ashlyn tries to breathe through the burning sensation with watery eyes.

“Holy. Fucking. Shit.” Megan follows Ashlyn’s eyes and completely understands why she choked. “Damn, she is…”

“Smoking hot!” Crystal finishes the statement. “Whew, boo.”

“Wow.” Kelley lets out a low whistle even as Kameryn deliberately mouths ‘Oh my god’.

“Ok, I really, really get it now.” Sue goes over to help Whitney, lighting dabbing Ashlyn’s eyes with a tissue. “Take slow breaths and try not to cough, Dreamboat. You’re ok.”

“Good news! She hasn’t looked over here yet and didn’t see you make an ass of yourself.” Megan gives Ashlyn a thumbs up.

“Great.” Ashlyn rasps out sarcastically, trying to clear her still burning throat with one more little cough. “Holy fuck with that dress.” She whispers as she looks over at Ali again. _She’s so beautiful. And she’s here...she’s here. _Her blood pumps hard through her body and she feels like her ears are ringing.

“Yeeeah, she definitely came to play.” Kameryn says with wide eyes as she looks over the perfect fit of Ali’s black dress.

“Pretty sure she came to win.” Ryan add his two cents and exchanges a look with Pierre that makes Whitney and Crystal swat each of them.

“Well he’s not wrong.” Kelley agrees.

“She still hasn’t looked over here yet. Pinoe and I are gonna go welcome them before someone engages them in some boring ass tech convo. You pull yourself together and make your way over when you’re ready, ok?” Whitney tells Ashlyn.

“Thank you.” Ashlyn nods in agreement and takes a few more slow breaths as she watches Whitney and Megan approach Ali and her equally striking brother.

\---

“Okee I know this party is major, but why are you so unglued?” Kyle questions after Ali drops her coat twice in the process of handing it off to the coat check person at the door.

“You’ll find out soon enough.” Ali says under her breath.

“What?” He tries to decipher her mumbling.

“Nothing. Focus. How do I look?” She asks as she smooths her dress before they go into the lounge.

“You look gorg, babes. For real, you’ll be the hottest hottie in that room.” Kyle smiles at her.

“Thanks, beebee. Here we go.” Ali links her arm with his and opens the door, the muffled music she could hear before becomes louder. The room is definitely bustling with people mingling all over, the space is open but cozy with defined areas of seating throughout.

“Wowza, look at this place.” Kyle says in awe as he looks around, admiring the modern décor. He’s been to plenty of fancy parties, but this one is totally his style. It’s luxurious with the black tie element, but also has the feel of a something more intimate despite the size of the lounge. The outer walls are all glass and allow for a gorgeous panoramic view of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ali scans the room, but can’t see all the way around because it’s not a fully open space. She feels anxious and out of place, wanting to at least catch sight of Ashlyn so she can settle herself and feel like this is where she’s supposed to be. She keeps looking as they walk in further, but it’s crowded enough that it’s challenging.

“Ali?” Ali turns at the sound of her name, seeing two blonde women approach her. One is about her same height and build with long blonde hair and blue eyes, the other is more petite overall with short platinum blonde hair.

“I’m sorry, we don’t really know each other. I’m Whitney Engen, the CTO of Hargen and this is Megan Rapinoe our CFO.” Whitney holds her hand out and smiles as Ali shakes it before shaking Kyle’s hand too. “Ashlyn is around here somewhere too, but we figured we say hi before you got snagged by some of our easily excitable programmers.”

“It’s great to finally meet you both I’ve heard a lot about you.” Ali smiles at them.

“Well, we’ve heard all kind of great things about you too.” Megan grins widely and gets a little slap on the arm from Whitney.

_Wow, exactly like Ashlyn described them._ “Well now I’m nervous.” Ali jokes. “This is my brother, Kyle. I’d say he’s a hairstylist, but he’s worlds better than that.” She introduces him proudly.

“Nice to meet you, Kyle. You two look great.” Whitney compliments them.

“Wow, so I know this probably totally faux pas at an event where you’re like nailing the coffin on Instagram in favor of the new awesome app…but, I just have to admit that I’ve been an Instagram junkie since the beginning and I’m such a big fan.” He bows slightly before turning to Megan. “Also, your hair is fabulous and you have no idea how badly I want to turn it bubble gum pink because you have the perfect form for something funky like that and pink would be so unexpected. And I’ll stop now.”

“Ok, and clearly our agreement that he wouldn’t embarrass me tonight just expired.” Ali turns a bit red.

“CFO insider tip, never believe anything unless it’s in writing.” Megan teases and then wraps an arm around Kyle. “You’re a freak and I fucking love you, dude. We are so hanging out tonight and we’re gonna be buds.”

“Well as much as I appreciate the love, I’m a little offended that my hair isn’t ‘fabulous’.” Whitney keeps up the comfortable banter, glad that chatting with Ali and Kyle isn’t awkward at all even if the brunette definitely seems nervous. _Just as bad as Ash. They’re made for each other._

“Well I wouldn’t do a thing to change your hair, so take that as the ultimate compliment, hunny.” Kyle says flamboyantly.

“Wow, you managed to compliment her and jab me at the same time. Welcome to the family.” Megan leans her head on his shoulder.

“Just what I need, another queer sister.” Kyle jokes and feels Ali hit his arm.

“Oh my god, Kyle. Really?” Ali looks at Megan apologetically even though the woman is cackling in laughter.

“Oh Ali, you’re not gonna survive the night around here at this rate.” Whitney laughs. “Trust me, they’ve been trying to excommunicate me for years because I’m the practical and polite one. You just have to give it up and join the pack. Kyle has the right idea.”

“Yeah sis, Kyle has the right idea.” Kyle sasses at Ali, giving her the look that clearly conveys he wants answers about how these people know her.

“I’m literally stealing him and taking him home with me.” Megan tugs his arm. “Come on, I want to introduce you to my fiancée. Her name is Sue Bird, and yes, lame bird jokes are totally fair game. Later haters.” She waves and pulls Kyle away.

“Come on Ali, let’s get you a drink. Gotta take advantage of all the free booze that our marketing company is springing for. Although, I’m sure we’ll end up paying for it somehow.” Whitney motions towards the bar, seeing that Ashlyn is looking mostly ready and figuring she’ll naturally lead Ali in that direction.

“Thanks. I’m gonna need a few drinks if my brother keeps up his rare form tonight.” Ali giggles nervously.

“Well as long as he keeps Megan entertained and out of my hair, I’m happy.” Whitney jokes, flagging the bartender. “I’ll have the Pinot Noir.” She orders and points to Ali.

“Chardonnay if you have it, thank you.” Ali tells the bartender before turning to Whitney. “Thank you for having me tonight. I’m really happy that your new project is finally launching. I have no doubt that it’s going to be amazing and I’m honored to be here to celebrate with you all. And it really is nice to finally meet you. Ashlyn has always spoken so highly of you and it’s easy to see why.” She says sincerely.

“You’re so sweet, we’re happy to have you.” Whitney smiles at her. “For the record, she speaks just as highly of you and she’s really glad you’re here tonight.” She gives Ali a meaningful look before turning her head to the left a bit so the brunette will follow her eyes.

_Oh. _Ali feels like the wind got knocked out of her when she spots Ashlyn less than fifteen feet away. _Look at her, she’s breathtaking._ She shamelessly stares at Ashlyn in a perfectly tailored navy suit with pinstripes and a wine colored pocket-square. A thick, diamond-encrusted Cuban chain hangs around her neck and _oh_ _my god, she’s not wearing a shirt_. She can’t keep her eyes from drifting down the valley of Ashlyn’s chest, framed by the just visible rounded edges of her perfect breasts and leaving little to the imagination. She can see the top of the Venus tattoo peeking out above the button of the jacket and she has to work hard to keep her mind from wandering. _Wow. _She finally manages to drag her eyes upward long enough to appreciate the white fedora hat that completes the look. _Hot and also totally adorable. _

“Don’t worry, you look just as good as she does.” Whitney easily reads the flustered look on Ali’s face.

Ali doesn’t get a chance to respond before Ashlyn’s eyes catch hers and the blonde’s face lights up. She feels her own smile grow as her cheeks get hot. She barely has time to prepare before Ashlyn is right in front of her.

“Alex, you look so beautiful.” Ashlyn wraps her up in a hug. “This dress is incredible. Although, I’m thinking it’s not so much the dress as the person wearing it.”

_Jesus, breathe._ Ali feels tingly warmth spread across her body as the exposed skin of Ashlyn’s chest brushes again her own. “I see we’re in high-level charm mode tonight, Stanford.” Ali gives her one more squeeze and pulls back to look at her. “Speaking of making clothes look good, you look gorgeous.” She looks her up and down. “You smell amazing too.”

“I’m so happy you’re here, Al.” Ashlyn says softly before realizing Whitney is still beside them. “And I’m being rude. I see you’ve already met Whit, my lovely Watson.” She wraps her arm around Whitney.

“I did and she’s just wonderful as you described her.” Ali smiles at Whitney.

“Well I officially love her and Pinoe pretty much adopted her brother, so we’re off to a great start.” Whitney laughs.

“Oh god, where did Pinoe take him?” Ashlyn looks around and spots Megan, Sue, and Kyle laughing together not too far away.

“Don’t worry, they’re two sassy peas in a pod already.” Ali shakes her head. “He wants to dye her hair bubble gum pink apparently. He also bowed down to Whitney as Instagram Royalty, so be prepared.”

“No really, he actually bowed. He’s amazing…and a total male version of Pinoe.” Whitney adds.

“Well that just makes me want to meet him even more. Let’s go.” Ashlyn grins and lightly pushes Ali in Kyle’s direction.

“Have fun.” Whitney goes over to Ryan who is still chatting with the others.

“Whew, the Krieger genes are powerful. He’s even better looking in person.” Ashlyn comments as they get closer.

“You sure you want to do this? He’s a lot…and he’s _really_ on one tonight.” Ali asks half-jokingly.

“He’s your brother, Al. I’m dying to meet him.” Ashlyn replies genuinely.

_Sweetest. _“I take no responsibility for anything he says tonight. I also haven’t given him any more details about who you are and he somehow hasn’t put it together yet. So, he could lose his mind at any minute.” Ali forewarns.

_Well, this will be interesting_. “No successful party is complete without someone making a scene, right?” Ashlyn puts her at ease.

“Kyle, this is Ashlyn Harris. Ashlyn this is my brother, Kyle.” Ali interrupts the conversation Kyle is having with Sue and Megan and watches his mouth drop open.

“We’re gonna go grab fresh drinks, we’ll find you a little later.” Megan gives Ashlyn a thumbs up as she and Sue quickly excuse themselves.

“It’s great to meet you, Kyle. Ali told me a lot about you.” Ashlyn holds her hand out and gets a firm handshake in return.

“Oh my goodness, the Queen herself.” Kyle bows yet again as Ali rolls her eyes. “Sorry, I like don’t even know what to say right now. Wow.”

“There’s a first.” Ali says sarcastically.

“Ignore her, she doesn’t know how to act in the presence of greatness.” Kyle pulls himself together as Ashlyn chuckles. “Ok so first of all, you are striking as hell and I would _KILL_ for your bone structure. Like I could shave with those cheekbones and that jawline, damn. You’re a total model and a genius, and I am digging your whole vibe and this look so much. So. Much. Don’t even get me started on that ink. Women do not do it for me, but if anyone stands a chance, it’s you.”

_Ok then. She wasn’t kidding. _“Well you absolutely do not disappoint. I can’t wait to get to know you better.” Ashlyn smiles at him. “Also, you’re as handsome as your sister is beautiful.” She adds with a wink. “Well come on then, give your girl a hug.” She opens her arms and Kyle squeals loudly as he leans in to hug her. “He’s am-azing.” She mouths to Ali even as the brunette mouths back ‘I’m sorry’ and looks totally embarrassed by his antics.

“This party is fabulous by the way.” Kyle compliments, still taking it all and trying to figure out who exactly Ali has her eye on and is responsible for introducing them to all these amazing people. He has narrowed it down to a couple tomboy looking women that fit her usual type, but neither of them has approached yet. “So Ashlyn, I saw that Gopee has this social meet-up feature. Will that eventually expand to include some kind of online dating-type aspect?” He takes the opportunity to pick her brain.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Ali grumbles under her breath at her clueless brother trying to make conversation with Ashlyn when all she wants to do is get a little time on her own with the blonde.

\---

“Status report?” Kelley asks as everyone reconvenes near the bar, all of them watching Ali, Ashlyn, and Kyle.

“Pretty sure her brother is my new best friend. Also Ali is great, fucking hot too…but we already knew that.” Megan pipes right up.

“Yeah that woman is gorgeous. Look at how good they look together.” Sue rubs her hands together excitedly.

“What’s your take on her though? Like is Boss Lady on target or should we be prepping for disaster relief?” Crystal asks Whitney more seriously.

“Come on, do you see how she looks at Ash?” Whitney responds rhetorically. “They’re both so fucking stiff right now though. Can’t be a bad thing that she’s as nervous as Ash, right?” She comments on their obviously rigid and cautious looking posture, plenty of space between them.

“I mean, you don’t show up in a dress like that unless you’re looking for someone’s attention.” Kelley remarks.

“Exactly.” Sue affirms. “Whit’s right, they’re gonna start a fire looking at each other.”

“Well, only one way to find out what exactly Ali came for and make sure Ash knows it too.” Kameryn puts her drink down on the bar.

“Kam, what are you doing?” Kelley questions.

“Just trust me on this one Mrs. O’Hara, and get over there real quick once Ali’s face falls like I’m sure it will.” Kameryn beelines for Ashlyn.

\---

“Babe, are you gonna introduce me or what?” Kameryn butts into the conversation and hangs from Ashlyn’s waist, kissing her cheek for good measure.

_Who the fuck is this? _Ali’s heart drops like a stone at seeing the beautiful blue-eyed brunette that came out of nowhere and is suddenly all over Ashlyn. _Shit. She said she was single…that doesn’t mean she… fuck. Did you misread this whole thing?_

_What the fuck right now, Kam?! _“Uh…Kameryn, this is Ali Krieger and her brother Kyle.” Ashlyn quickly introduces them and tries to put a little space between her and Kameryn. She’s about to quickly explain who Kameryn is, but is cut right off.

“Ali Krieger as in your sex therapist, Ali?” Kameryn goes for it and hopes Ashlyn doesn’t kill her on the spot, but it has to be done.

_What on earth is she doing_?! “The one and only.” Ashlyn says calmly, rolling with it only because she knows the sooner this is openly on the table with everyone, the better.

_Ok, and she clearly wasn’t kidding about not hiding it from people. _Ali isn’t sure what to say as this woman looks her over.

“Well in that case, it’s really, _really _nice to meet you.” Kameryn winks at Ali with a devilish smirk and gets closer to Ashlyn again.

_Oh god, this is so bad. How could you have misjudged this so poorly?! _Ali just nods and can’t help her mouth dropping open a little at the woman’s obvious insinuation. _What were you thinking coming here? _

“Oh…oh my gosh.” Kyle’s voice cuts through the air. “So, you two know each other from…and she’s…you two…holy fucking shit.” He covers his mouth with his hand as he stutters in surprise. “I did not see that one coming.” It couldn’t be more obvious now that he realizes. The way Ali has been acting all night, the big time client she once told him he would freak out over if he knew, the tattoos, the fact that Ashlyn once had really short hair, the way his sister reacted to all that newspaper gossip. Ruby fucking Rose. _Her _is Ashlyn Harris. Ashlyn Harris is THE client…it’s _her_.

“Ok, just so we’re all clear… Ali is my former sex therapist. And Kameryn here is my business partner and CEO of DataHouse who collaborated on this app with us. She’s also reeeally friendly once she’s had a few drinks.” Ashlyn takes the reigns before this gets out of control and Ali looks anymore panicked than she already does.

“Well excuse a girl for being excited to launch her first big app! Sorry Ali, I was totally kidding, but your face just now was pretty amazing.” Kameryn giggles. “Plus Ash has pulled enough office pranks on me that she totally deserved it.” She defends her behavior and does her best to clear the air now that she’s accomplished her goal.

“Well this is an attractive group I want in on.” Kelley saddles right up to Ashlyn’s side.

_Wait, so…she’s not…_ Ali continues to stand there speechless, still trying to catch up on what is happening.

“Excellent timing.” Ashlyn wraps an arm around Kelley appreciatively. “This is Kelley, Kameryn’s wife. She’s an incredible life coach. Fair warning, she’s probably worse than Kam once you get her going. Kelley, this is my former therapist Ali Krieger and her brother, Kyle.”

“Well, she’s just as beautiful as you said she was, Ash. Nice to meet you both.” Kelley smooths everything over and watches Ali’s face relax.

_Ok, you’re ok. They’re co-workers. Breathe. Just fucking say something. _“You got me good on that one, thought I had somehow said something I shouldn’t have.” Ali plays it cool and pretends to wipe her brow. “Nice to meet you both. And thank you, Kelley.”

“Same, nice to meet you. You’ll have to excuse me cause I’m still stunned by how phenomenal this all is. I’m just so impressed. Congrats on the app launch!” Kyle covers for himself politely, trying not to seem as dumbfounded as he actually is.

_Christ, this is a lot._ Ashlyn watches Ali’s face lighten in an almost relief and she finally understands what Kameryn was up to. _She thought I was with Kam and she was upset about it._ _Geez Alex, how could you think I want anyone but you? This is good though, right? Can’t be bad._

“Ash, Kam, it’s already 10pm. We need to get going with the marketing presentation and speeches. I have Whit and Meg ready to go.” Adam, Kameryn’s project manager, interrupts them.

“Duty calls. I’m sure we’ll chat later.” Kameryn smiles at them and tugs Kelley with her as she follows Adam. “How’d I do?” She whispers to Kelley.

“Crushed it, baby.” Kelley smiles and kisses the top of her ear.

“Aw, damn.” Ashlyn sighs, feeling like this is the worst possible moment to leave Ali’s side. “Sorry guys, I’m gonna be caught up for a little bit.” She says apologetically.

“Don’t even worry about it. This is your night, go ahead.” Ali gives her a light little push.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn says hesitantly and reaches for Ali’s hand, giving it a little squeeze. “I’ll find you later, Alex, ok?” She looks at her meaningfully.

_You better. _“Ok, good luck.” Ali squeezes back with a smile before their hands drop away.

“Go get em, Queen.” Kyle adds and gets a thumbs up from Ashlyn as the woman walks away. “YOU! What the actual fuck, Alexandra Blaire Krieger?!” He immediately turns to his sister with wide eyes, shaking his hands at her.

_Here we go._ “I know.” Ali concedes softly.

“You know?! That’s it?!” Kyle takes her hand and leads her to a quieter corner. He takes a deep breath and takes in the way his sister looks right now. She looks happy but anxious, and like she has no idea which way is up. “So, that’s your Ruby…Ashlyn Harris is your _person _person?” He asks softly, still in disbelief.

“Ashlyn Harris is my person.” Ali confirms with a nod. _Well that feels fucking good to say._

“Wow. Just…” Kyle puts his hands on his hips. “I’m so many things right now! I’m like happy for you…and I feel stupid for not realizing sooner…and I’m like ecstatic, but I also want to smack you. I’m fucking stunned beyond belief. I don’t even know what to say.” He unleashes in a torrent.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry it got dropped like this tonight, but this is her private life and not just about me. You understand that, right?” She appeals to him and hopes he gets it.

“Well duh. I’m not really mad.” Kyle reassures her. “Damn, babes. You have a whole fucking lot to catch me up on!”

“Ok, I get that we have a ton to talk about…but can we not do this tonight? I’m really not sure how much more I can take right now.” Ali admits, feeling like she’s caught up in a tornado and already completely exhausted from getting pulled in more directions than she can count.

“Yeah, of course. Come here.” Kyle pulls her into a tight hug and rubs her back. “Are you ok?” He asks her seriously.

“I honestly have no idea.” Ali says a bit emotionally.

“Hey, it’s ok.” Kyle rubs her arms at seeing how overwhelmed she is. “Al, the way she looks at you… I should have realized from the minute she walked over. That woman loves you.”

“I know she loves me, Ky. I just don’t know if she _loves me_ loves me.” Ali says softly.

“Maybe you should find out then.” Kyle eyes her encouragingly.

“I’m scared to.” She confesses and buries her head into his shoulder.

“She asked you to come tonight, babes. That has to mean something.” He appeals to her.

“What if doesn’t?” Ali counters.

“What if does?” Kyle challenges back. The background music cuts out and a welcoming presentation starts showing on several projection screens throughout the room, so he knows he’s not getting a reply right now. “Come on, let’s go to the food table I’ve been eyeing for like an hour now and we’ll ogle your hottie while she does her thing.”

\---

“Ok, time to get this fucking show on the road.” Kelley says to Crystal when she sees Ali yawning as the woman stands there chatting with her brother.

“What show? You ok?” Crystal turns away from Pierre to give a clearly exasperated Kelley her full attention.

“The show where Ash gets at least ten fucking minutes with Ali before the woman gives up and goes home.” Kelley motions to Ali yawning again.

“Shit, yeah.” Crystal agrees.

The presentation and speeches alone took almost an hour and now Ashlyn, Whitney, and Kameryn have been practically held hostage in various conversations ever since.

“I’m going in. Find Pinoe and Sue, have them keep Kyle company.” Kelley directs.

“On it!” Crystal scans the room and spots them easily.

\---

“Sorry all, I need Ashlyn. Quick emergency.” Kelley yanks a concerned looking Ashlyn away even as she says it.

“What’s the matter?” Ashlyn asks worriedly.

“Nothing other than the fact that it’s nearing 11:30pm and you’ve barely spoken to Ali. The launch is at midnight and fuck knows what you’ll get wrapped up in after that.” Kelley tells her plainly.

“Fuck, didn’t realize it was so late.” Ashlyn grimaces as she looks at her watch.

“Pinoe and Sue are gonna keep her brother company. Whatever you have in mind for tonight, it’s go time.” Kelley prods her.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn lets out a couple deep breaths as she watches Ali smile. _My heart, that smile. _“I’m so fucking nervous, Kell.” She admits it out loud.

“Doesn’t matter, you’re gonna get in the driver’s seat and go anyway. No stops.” Kelley impresses upon her.

“No stops.” Ashlyn repeats and smooths her jacket. “Fuck, here we go.”

“Wait, Ash…” Kelley stops her for a second. “We’re chugging celebratory Buds in the morning, I know it.” She tells her confidently and holds up her fist for a bump.

“Thanks, Kell.” Ashlyn bumps her fist appreciatively and walks right over to Ali before anyone can stop her.

\----

“Hey guys, can I kidnap Ali for a few minutes?” Ashlyn shows up just as Ali, Kyle, Megan, Sue, and a couple others are laughing at something.

“Only if I get to hang onto this guy?” Megan wraps her arm around Kyle.

“Pleeease. I’m going home with you.” Kyle waves his hand to playfully dismiss his sister. “Have fun, Als!”

“Jerk.” Ali makes a face at him, hearing him whisper ‘good luck, babes’ before she turns to find gorgeous hazel eyes locked onto her like there’s no one else in the room. _Breathe. It’s just Ash._

“Please tell me that you brought a coat.” Ashlyn says as soon as they walk away from the group.

“Of course I did, why?” Ali asks curiously.

“Cause I want to show you something. Short walk, I promise.” Ashlyn tells her vaguely. “I would’ve totally just given you my coat if you said no, but it’ll definitely be better if I don’t freeze to death.”

“Such a Florida girl.” Ali teases her. “It’s like 40 degrees out, Stanford. That’s downright tropical for winter in New York.”

“No, it’s arctic and you’re not convincing me otherwise, Harvard.” Ashlyn plays back as they get their coats from coat check, putting them on and heading outside. “Just a couple blocks this way.” She tells Ali as they start walking together.

“Don’t you have an app to launch soon?” Ali questions as they walk away from the hotel.

“Nah, I’ve already done this once before. Let everyone else who’s worked so hard on it push the button and get a thrill.” Ashlyn says humbly before turning her head to look at the brunette. “I’m right where I should be.”

_You melt me. _“Perfect.” Ali just links her arm with Ashlyn’s and keeps walking.

_You sure are_. “Everything ok with your brother? I’m sorry it got all crazy in there earlier. Kam can be a little much sometimes. She and Kelley are way over the top, but I love them dearly.” Ashlyn checks in.

“I’m sure I’ll have a lot of explaining to do tomorrow, but I knew that when I brought him tonight. No harm done and he’s totally fine. Having the time of his life actually.” Ali smiles.

“Ok, good. What about you, have you had a good time tonight?” Ashlyn asks before adding, “Sorry I got pulled away so much and kind of abandoned you. Didn’t realize how quickly time would go.”

“Relax, I’ve had a great time.” Ali assures her. “The party is incredible, from the food to the music, all of it. Your speech was amazing too by the way.”

“I winged it, but thank you.” Ashlyn smiles.

“My statement stands.” Ali nudges her. “So, does everyone know about us and the whole surrogate thing?” She’s been wondering ever since the encounter with Kameryn and Kelley.

“Everyone that matters, yeah.” Ashlyn answers candidly. “I’ve come a long way.”

“You sure have. I’m proud of you.” Ali squeezes her arm meaningfully.

“Thanks, Harvard. It was quite a road to travel, but I’m proud of me too.” Ashlyn admits.

“I’ve missed this place. Been a long time.” Ali says wistfully when she looks up and sees that they’re approaching their bench spot on the corner of the pier.

“You haven’t been back here?” Ashlyn asks.

“No. I wanted to a few times, but then I worried I’d be encroaching on your spot and we both know what happened the last time I did that.” Ali smiles.

“True.” Ashlyn remembers. “Although you not coming here didn’t exactly stop us from running into each other now did it?”

“Not even a little.” Ali concedes with a giggle.

“Still not over you poisoning yourself with lobster to get away from me.” Ashlyn teases her.

“Alright, alright, let me live.” Ali elbows her. “So, what did you want to show me?” She asks curiously as they get to the bench and everything looks the same from what she can tell.

_Alright, fuck. Now or never. _Ashlyn doesn’t reply right away, but leads Ali a little closer to the fence by the water, finally stopping and turning to face her. She finds those beautiful whiskey eyes and lets out a soft breath. “Me.”

_What does that mean? _Ali stands motionless at the way Ashlyn is looking at her, hazel eyes so filled with love that she’s not sure how much longer she can stand it before she crumbles. “You?” She tries to understand.

“Yeah, me.” Ashlyn nods and takes the brunette’s hands in her own. “This has always worked because we’re honest with each other, so I’m just gonna be really honest, ok?”

“You can tell me anything.” Ali replies with ease even though her heart pounds and her stomach flips.

“I want to show you me, Alex.” Ashlyn repeats again and feels her knees shake. _Breathe and tell her. _“Not the me that you already know, not your client. I want to show you the me that you could’ve met by chance on the streets of NYC. The me that would’ve stopped dead in my tracks to talk to you because you’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and you always will be. The me that would’ve made some stupid awkward joke to make you laugh and then asked you out on a date because I would’ve kicked myself if I didn’t hear that laugh again. The me that would’ve fallen in love with you on the first date and from the first kiss, just like I already did. The me that would’ve held on for dear life and never let you go. I want you to see that me.”

“Ash, I…” Ali doesn’t even recognize her own raspy whisper, her body tingling so much that all she can feel is the hot tears that roll down her cheeks and the warmth of Ashlyn’s hands.

“Not yet.” Ashlyn says softly and puts her finger on the brunette’s lips before wiping her tears. _Please don’t cry, whatever you tell me will be ok. _She’s not sure yet whether to be hopeful or heartbroken by those tears, but she knows she needs to keep going. “I can honestly tell you that I want all of those things, but I also can’t be the only one to want them if this has a chance. You have to want it too… you have to want me to see the you that I don’t know. And whether you want those same things or not, we’ll be ok either way. I promise.” She leads Ali closer to the chain link fence and continues.

“You told me that I had to move on. There came a point where the only way I could do that was to lock up everything I felt for you and put it away while I moved forward. And I did, Al. I locked everything between us right here in this spot.” Ashlyn points down to the black and gold lock still attached to the fence, exactly where she put it almost two years ago. “It has always been right here and you know where I stand. I’m ready to unlock it if you are. To give you every version of me that there is to give…all of it.” She takes the little gold key out of her pocket and puts into Ali’s palm before closing her hand over it. “You have my love no matter what form you want it in.”

_I love you, Ashlyn. I love you. _Ali wants to scream it at the top of her lungs, but she can’t manage to utter a word. Her whole body is trembling and she can’t handle the ache in her chest and the throbbing of her own heartbeat in ears. _Is this real? _Everything looks a bit hazy like she’s dreaming, and she grips Ashlyn’s hands harder in an attempt to ground herself through the slight dizziness.

“Are you ok?” Ashlyn asks anxiously, unable to read the expression on her face. The brunette looks a little pale and like she might throw up, and she can’t tell if it’s Ali’s hands shaking or her own.

That reliable deep caring hazel pierces right into Ali’s heart and the dam breaks open inside. Her hands go to the back of Ashlyn’s neck, unable to take it anymore. “Kiss me.” She begs in a desperate exhale, feeling like she’s going to drop to ground with every passing second that Ashlyn stands there in shock without complying. “Please kiss me.” She closes her eyes and prays to god it happens before she faints.

Ali’s breath on her face snaps Ashlyn out of her fog and she closes the distance, capturing the brunette’s lips gently between her own and deepening it when Ali whimpers and pull hers closer. _You are everything good in this world. _Pulsing energy shoots through her body so fast that it almost hurts and the sudden lack of air makes her head spin, but she can’t get enough.

Ali presses herself tighter and tighter against Ashlyn, kissing the blonde like her next breath depends on it, the whole world moving beneath her feet and recreating itself. _It has always been you. Only you._ It’s all perfectly the same Ashlyn…her smell, her taste, her passion, her love. All of it just like she remembered and dreamed of more times than she can count…only this time it comes with the unstoppable fire of hope that reignites the spark she stupidly extinguished. She can’t breathe anymore, but she fights the burning in her lungs to get a few more moments because she’s afraid to stop and find out this isn’t real. She finally pulls away with her chest heaving, holding Ashlyn’s face firmly in her hands and keeping her close enough that they’re exchanging the same air. “I missed you.” She gets out raggedly, the familiar Carmex tingle making itself apparent on her swollen lips. “I really fucking missed you.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart. So much.” Ashlyn smiles against Ali’s mouth and kisses her soft and slow so they can somewhat breathe while staying connected. They get lost in it each other with no sense of their surroundings until a loud boom makes them both jump apart. “Jesus fucking Christ!” Ashlyn yells and puts her hand over her chest as the midnight fireworks start over the Brooklyn Bridge. “Fucking forgot that was gonna happen. Shit.” Both of them look at each other and start laughing deeply even though they’re still recovering from the kiss.

“Smooth, Stanford. Really smooth.” Ali giggles and holds Ashlyn in a tight hug, melting into the secure and protective warmth that absolutely nothing else has ever come close to.

They gaze up at the fireworks for a minute before Ashlyn pulls back slightly and finds Ali’s eyes with a dimpled grin on her face. “Happy New Year, beautiful.”

“You aren’t fucking kidding.” Ali beams back at her with a bright smile. “Happy New Year, angel.” She leans in for another long kiss, freely letting herself get completely addicted to the way her heart jumps at every touch because she knows for sure now that she can keep it. _You’re mine._

They alternate between trading soft kisses and watching the fireworks, still standing there holding each other close well after the show is over.

“So.” Ashlyn breaks the comfortable silence between them. “Was that a yes? Are we gonna unlock this sucker or…” She motions to the lock on the fence.

“Fuck, I dropped the key.” Ali cringes when she realizes and immediately bends down to look for it. “Oh god, I hope it didn’t fall in the water.”

“Smooth Harvard. Really smooth.” Ashlyn laughs and pulls out her cellphone to turn on the flashlight.

“Got it!” Ali holds it up and breathes out a sigh of relief.

“Relax Al, it’s a metaphorical lock. Remember?” Ashlyn teases her and earns herself a little nudge. “Still dying for an answer…”

“One question.” Ali stands close to her.

“Killing me. Go ahead.” Ashlyn nods.

“Were you serious about the whole wanting to go on dates thing?” Ali asks curiously, wanting to respect what Ashlyn has in mind even though she’s ready to trade that Stanford hoodie for the arms it once belonged to tonight.

“Yeah, I kinda was.” Ashlyn replies honestly. “I want to do this right. And I definitely want a last first date.” She adds more meaningfully.

“Ok. Yes.” Ali smiles and leaves a lingering kiss on her lips_. You will forever be worth the wait. You already were._

“Yes?” Ashlyn breaks out in a dopey grin.

“Yes to all of it.” Ali confirms. “One condition.”

“Name it.” Ashlyn already knows she’s going to give this woman whatever the hell she wants.

“Our first date is tomorrow…well technically, later today. Because I don’t think I’m gonna make it if I have to wait longer than that.” Ali half-demands hopefully.

“Well I have to work tomorrow because we have press engagements for the app, but I’ll pick you up at your place at six. Deal?” Ashlyn happily nuzzles her nose against Ali’s cheek.

“Deal. Thank you.” Ali pecks her lips. “Can’t believe I have to actually part with you tonight.” She whines.

“Promise it’ll be worth it.” Ashlyn assures the brunette even though she knows it’ll be hell for her too.

“It already is.” Ali pulls Ashlyn over to the bench and sits down, resting her head against the blonde’s shoulder and holding the woman’s hand in her lap between both of her own. Everything feels light and peaceful inside, exciting and warm. It feels like she’s home, more at home in this city than she has ever felt despite growing up here.

There’s so much more Ali wants to say tonight, but she knows that Ashlyn is right about not rushing and taking the time to enjoy everything they missed out on because of the circumstances they started in. It’s definitely different this time. They’re not desperately holding onto to every minute because it’s temporary…they’re taking every glorious second to build something permanent. Still, there’s an urge pulling at the corners of her soul that she can’t deny.

“So, I know we’re gonna take the time to do this right, but in the spirit of that…” Ali moves to face the woman as best she can on the bench. “I just need you to know.” She undoes the top button of her coat and presses Ashlyn’s palm to the middle of her chest, locking onto beautiful hazel. “I never stopped, Ash.”

Ashlyn smiles and pulls Ali’s free hand up to her mouth. She places a kiss in brunette’s palm before mimicking Ali’s actions and putting it over her own heart. “I never stopped either, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, worth the long road to get here?  
Plenty of fun to come :-)


	47. Benched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient about the wait on this chapter, as I'm sure all of you have experienced over the last couple weeks, not always easy to find positive places to write from. But here we are and I hope that if nothing else, this gives you a little escape and refresh time so you can keep your foot on the gas.  
And since you're here and it needs to be said over and over again... if you're not wholeheartedly of the mind that black lives matter and not working to educate yourself and acting to create change, you can stop reading my work and use that time to go get yourself right. Period.
> 
> On that note, please enjoy a long chapter that's fluffier than eating cotton candy on a cloud while holding a fuzzy kitten :-)
> 
> Stay well, stay safe, stay productive, and leave me a comment on your thoughts if you're up to it!

Benched

** _January 1, 2021_ **

“If I use this to lock us together, does that mean you don’t have to go back in there?” Ali holds up the little black and gold padlock as they stand outside the entrance of the hotel. With getting caught up in each other, they had hilariously forgotten to unlock it from the fence, walking halfway back to the hotel before realizing and going back for it.

“I wish, but I still have to make an appearance and wrap-up the party. Sure you don’t want to come back in with me?” Ashlyn gently holds the brunette’s waist.

“As much as I don’t want to leave you, this is an important night for you and your company. I don’t want the focus to be on anything but that, and if we go back in there together…” Ali doesn’t bother finishing the statement and pulls out her phone. “I’ll text Kyle to meet me down here. It’s getting late anyway.”

“I know.” Ashlyn nods, realizing that everyone must be wondering where they are by now among other things. Even though she’s the one who opted to take things a bit more slowly, she could kick herself now that they have to part ways for the night. “I’m going to hang on to this and find a cool way to frame it.” She takes the lock sitting in Ali’s hand and slips it into her pocket.

“Such a romantic.” Ali kisses her soundly, giggling when she knocks the fedora off the blonde’s head.

Ashlyn laughs and bends down to pick up her hat. “That’s the third time tonight, Harvard. Note to self, you and hats don’t mix.”

“I’ll work on it.” Ali jokes before checking to see if Kyle has texted back yet. “What?” She looks up from her phone to see the blonde gazing at her in wonderment.

“You’re just so beautiful. I’ll never be over it.” Ashlyn rewraps her arms around the Ali’s waist more snuggly. “That dress practically killed me tonight. I hope I’ll get to see it again so I can enjoy it without being so fucking nervous next time. You look amazing.”

_So damn sweet and that stare of hers, god. _“Thank you.” Ali’s cheeks get warm at the way the blonde continues to look at her. “Probably better that I don’t tell you what I’m thinking about the fact that you’re naked under that suit jacket. You look amazing yourself.”

“Well hold on now, you can’t just say that and not give me a hint.” Ashlyn smirks flirtatiously.

“Let’s just say I’ve been wondering all night if you have pasties on to cover your nipples or if you just leave it all to chance.” Ali shakes her head at her own honesty. “And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t trying to find an angle that would get me an answer. Unfortunately for me, no dice.”

_And I’m dead._ “I leave it all to chance.” Ashlyn answers with a chuckle.

“Right, ok. Jesus Christ.” Ali nods and bites her lip. _Killing me, Ash. _“You were nervous tonight?” She changes the subject.

“Totally was.” Ashlyn openly admits. “Not about you being here. I just really wanted this with you.” She kisses the brunette’s forehead. “And it would’ve been ok if it didn’t happen and we were friends, but I was definitely a little afraid of that option.”

“I was really nervous too. Same reason.” Ali confesses and hugs her tight before pulling back to find her eyes. “And now I’m just happy.”

“Me too…really fucking happy.” Ashlyn barely gets it out before Ali’s mouth is on hers, the kiss passionate and deep. She can’t help but smile into it when she feels Ali holding onto the brim of her hat.

“Thank the queer gods! About fucking time!” Megan’s voice breaks the moment followed by a loud collection of cheers and claps.

“Well, that’s one way to do it.” Ashlyn mutters softly as she hesitantly pulls away from Ali’s lips with a little sigh, looking over to see Megan, Sue, Whitney, Kameryn, Kelley, Crystal and Kyle standing there watching them. She gives them a little wave before her eyes go right back to Ali.

“Sorry. Should’ve known he’d bring the whole gang with him to investigate when I kept the text vague. Rookie mistake.” Ali shakes her head.

“We should just be glad they didn’t follow us to begin with.” Ashlyn shrugs with a smile. “Speaking of…” She turns to her friends. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Just in time to hear something about a nipple!” Megan waggles her eyebrows.

“Awesome.” Ali giggles and gives them a thumbs up.

“This is blowing my mind…kiss her again!” Kyle pipes up excitedly.

“Is he talking to me or you?” Ashlyn asks Ali with raised eyebrows.

“No idea. Does it matter?” Ali giggles and gently holds the blonde’s face.

“Nope.” Ashlyn mumbles before kissing her softly, keeping it chaste now that they’re not alone.

“Lame!” Kelley teases.

“Second that!” Crystal raises her hand.

“Third it!” Kameryn yells.

“Fourth! Fifth it!” Megan and Sue say in unison.

“Sixth!” Whitney joins them and gives a loud clap with her hands. “The motion has passed! Sorry Sherlock, kiss her like you mean it!”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Ashlyn chuckles before kissing Ali hard, the brunette’s hands going to the back of her neck and knocking her hat off yet again.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Kelley shouts in approval amidst another round of whistles and hollers, all of them turning to boos when the two women eventually stop.

“Are you free tomorrow at like 2pm?” Ashlyn ignores everyone else and stays locked onto Ali’s eyes, reworking the plan in her head because she already can’t wait to see her again.

“Yeah, but don’t you have to work?” Ali questions, trying to figure out what she has in mind.

“Well…” Ashlyn turns and calls out to the group. “Kam, switch media interview sessions with me tomorrow? I’ll do morning, you do afternoon.”

“Done!” Kameryn agrees easily, thrilled at the prospect of sleeping in.

“So, I’ll pick you up at 2pm tomorrow instead of 6pm?” Ashlyn turns back to Ali hopefully.

“One condition.” Ali holds up a finger.

“You and your date conditions. Go on.” Ashlyn looks at her expectantly.

“It means a longer date and not just a time shift.” Ali requests with a gleeful smile.

“Please, like you could stop me from making it a longer date.” Ashlyn plays back and bends down to pick up her hat yet again. “And I’ll be sure not to wear a fedora.”

“A wise choice, Stanford.” Ali shrugs with a laugh. “You should go before I don’t let you. And before everyone at the party realizes their whole leadership crew is missing.” She gently holds the lapel of Ashlyn’s coat.

“They’re probably all drunk as fuck in there, but yeah.” Ashlyn concedes, tucking a loose strand of Ali’s hair behind her ear. “Thank you for coming tonight, Alex.”

“Thank you for asking me to come, Ashlyn…and for asking me on a date.” Ali smiles at her. “I can’t wait.”

“In that case, thanks for saying yes…and for asking me to kiss you. Can’t wait either.” Ashlyn gives her a dimpled grin. “Text me before you go to bed so I know you got in safe?”

“I’m sure Kyle will keep me up half the night with questions, but I’ll text you when I’m home.” Ali promises, her hand going to the blonde’s cheek as Ashlyn’s hands settle on her lower back. “Sleep tight, angel. Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, sweetheart. Sweet dreams.” Ashlyn whispers back and kisses her romantically, letting it go on a few seconds longer when there surprisingly aren’t any loud cheers from their audience. “Guess they have some manners after all.” She jokes as they pull away, quickly pecking Ali’s lips one more time and hearing a wolf whistle from Megan.

“You spoke too soon.” Ali laughs and reaches for her hand, giving it a little squeeze before they walk over to the group.

“I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon, but it was great to finally meet you…and thank you for coming tonight.” Ashlyn politely holds out her hand to Kyle who shakes it enthusiastically.

“You damn well better be seeing me soon if you’re gonna kiss my sister like that.” Kyle sasses and gets a swat from Ali. “I’m kidding, geez. It was nice to meet you too, Queen.” He makes a show of kissing Ashlyn’s hand. “I had a blast tonight! Thank you for the invite, and for putting that smile on her face.”

Ashlyn leans in closer to him. “I live for that smile, pleasure was all mine.”

“Oh hunny, this is gonna be fabulous as fuck!” Kyle snaps his fingers. “Nighty, night Queen.”

“Goodnight, Kyle.” Ashlyn smiles and watches him hug everyone else goodnight, laughing when he tells Megan to call him for a hair dye appointment and then stops to bow to Whitney while calling her ‘the other Queen’.

“It was great to meet you all, thanks for having us and congrats on the launch!” Ali follows Kyle’s lead and says goodnight to everyone, getting wrapped up in tight hug after tight hug as if they were family. It leaves her feeling warm inside and looking forward to when she can get to know them all better.

“Uber is here!” Kyle announces as the black sedan pulls up. “Night all!” He gives them one more wave before getting in and giving his sister and Ashlyn some space.

“Good luck with the wrap-up. Goodnight, gorgeous.” Ali gives the blonde one more hug and a quick soft kiss.

“Don’t forget to text me. G’night, beautiful.” Ashlyn keeps their hands entwined until Ali is in the car, finally letting go to help close the door before stepping back and watching the car drive away.

“Oh. My. God! Biiiiiitch!” Megan exclaims as soon as Ashlyn turns to face them.

“I know.” Ashlyn replies contently and puts her hand over her heart, not even able to take a proper breath before Whitney squeezes the life out of her.

“AHHHH I’m so, so happy for you!” Whitney says sincerely, her heart racing for her best friend.

“Me too.” Ashlyn chuckles before getting serious. “Would never be here with you, Watson.”

“Back at you, Sherlock.” Whitney just smiles at her.

“Um, excuse me! What about me, butch?!” Megan pretends to be offended.

“You too, twerp.” Ashlyn wraps an arm around her. “Honestly, I pretty much owe all of you for holding my ass up for the last two years so I could get here. Whew, what a fucking night!”

“That’s sweet and I love you, but I’m gonna need some deets!” Crystal rubs her hands together.

“Second!” Kameryn jumps right in.

“Third!” Kelley is right behind her.

“Ok, ok! Don’t bother.” Ashlyn cuts them off. “Just gonna keep it simple. I took her over to our bench spot and flat out put my heart on the line. And after I said everything I had to say, she told me to kiss her. So, I did. Then I asked her on a date, and she said yes. So, we’re going on a date tomorrow. And even though we didn’t throw big words around, we both admitted we still felt the same and that we never stopped. That about covers it.” She tells them. “Oh, and she knocked my hat off A LOT.” She adds with an insinuating wink.

“Curveball! Starting with a date?” Megan asks curiously.

“Yep. That was my choice.” Ashlyn explains. “I just want to be able to do all those little things right from the beginning that I couldn’t do with her before. And I’m sure that it’ll last like one date before I can’t hold back.” She shrugs with a laugh.

“This is so cute.” Kameryn fans her eyes.

“Puh-lease, I don’t care what you both said, it’s totally official.” Sue says adamantly before nudging Ashlyn. “What belongs to you is always yours, remember?”

“You know it.” Ashlyn nods with a smile.

“Alright my lovelies, let’s go!” Kelley tugs Ashlyn’s arm and leads the way back into the hotel. “It’s technically morning and we have celebratory Buds to chug motherfuckers!”

Ashlyn just follows along, hoping to chug that beer and go home shortly after to get some much needed rest, knowing it’ll be the most peaceful sleep she’s had in a while.

\---

“Alexaaaandra! Oh my god!” Kyle starts as soon as the car pulls away from the hotel. “You were just hardcore kissing_ her_! The Queen! And I can’t even handle it. Can. Not! Tell me _everything_!” He pleads with her.

“I’m not even sure there’s all that much to tell. I mean, I’ve talked to you so much about her and everything I said was true…and now you know who she is.” Ali doesn’t even know what to tell him. “I think the only things I’ve left out were the night I ran into her when I was out with Syd at that event where I met Paige. Remember how I ate that lobster cake? Yeah so, I totally did that on purpose to run away because Syd knows Ash in a business related way and I freaked out. And also that I ran into her at the movies the other night and that’s how she invited me to the party. Oh, and that I privately tipped off my friend Becky from Harvard about Ash’s ex who leaked all that crap about her to the Times because Becky was Luz’s campaign manager.”

“WHAT?!” Kyle screeches with wide eyes. “Bish, you better spill it ALL.”

By the time she’s done catching Kyle up, she’s curled up into the corner of the couch in her pjs after he followed her around the condo while she took off her makeup off and got ready for bed. “Can we be done now? I’m totally wiped.” Ali asks hopefully with a yawn.

“Almost.” Kyle leans forward with his elbows on his knees, still trying to wrap his head around everything. “You didn’t tell me about tonight. What’d she say? Are you two officially a thing now? Sure looked like it.”

“Well, she told me she wanted to show me something and then she took me over to that bench by the Brooklyn Bridge that I told you about before. And when I asked her what she wanted to show me, she said ‘me’.” Ali says it dreamily, the moment like a fairytale in her head. “I’m gonna keep exactly what she to myself because I want that moment to be just ours, but essentially she opened her heart and told me everything she wanted for us. Then she gave me the space to choose what I wanted for us too, making it clear that I’d have her love no matter what I said. And it was everything.”

“Oh my goodness…Als…” Kyle whispers and fans his eyes.

“I know. I’ve never been so well understood by someone in my entire life. No offense.” She smiles.

“None taken.” Kyle easily waves it off.

“And we kissed and decided on going on a date tomorrow. So we didn’t get into labeling anything, but we both made it clear that feelings between us haven’t changed even if we’ve both inevitably changed over the last couple years.” Ali tells him.

“So you’re gonna like ease into it then?” He asks quizzically, knowing just how long his sister has waited for this.

“Something like that. Go with the flow at least. Let’s be real though, I thrive on honesty and she does too. So, I don’t think either of us is going to hold back on what we’re feeling despite making sure we appreciate the little things.” Ali shrugs. “But hey, maybe I’ll get to say it first this time around.” She says thinking back to how she couldn’t be the first one to profess her love when Ashlyn was her client.

“Because you actually can.” Kyle gives a little shriek.

“Because I can!” Ali beams right along with him. “She said she wanted a ‘last first date’. So yeah, I’d say we’re official even if we haven’t put any specific words to it.” She gushes a bit more.

“My fucking heart.” Kyle leans his head back against the couch with a sigh.

“Tell me about it.” Ali agrees.

“M’kay, three more things and then I’ll let you go to bed.” Kyle gets another yawn along with a nod from his sister. “First, I am so sorry for all that Gay Royal Couple shizniz. Like I know I couldn’t have known, but now understanding why you reacted the way you did and just knowing how you feel about her…I can only imagine how much it hurt to go through that. And I’m sorry for adding to it in any way.” He says sincerely.

“Don’t apologize, you had no idea.” Ali taps his leg reassuringly. “It wasn’t easy, but it also helped me grow and really focus on myself. It put me in a place where my priorities were right and exactly where I needed to be for her to come back into my life. I’m truly thankful for all of it. Alright, what else?”

“When are you telling Syd and HAO and can I be there? Cause I’m gonna need to see Syd’s face when she finds out who Ruby is and realizes she knows her!” Kyle rubs his hands together excitedly.

“Oh gawwwd. That is gonna be quite the conversation.” Ali giggles. “I want to just enjoy my date first and give myself a minute. So, maybe I’ll have HAO over for like brunch on Sunday and then Facetime Syd so I can tell them together.” She thinks it over.

“Pleeeasse, I NEED to be there.” Kyle begs her again.

“Fine, you can be there.” Ali rolls her eyes.

“Yaaas!” He cheers. “Ok, just one more thing…” He scoots closer to her and wraps his arm around her. “Babes, I am so happy for you. I love that you’re in love and that your heart is happy. God, just look at you tonight…” He gets a little emotional.

“I really am happy. She means everything to me and she’s in my life now. That’s all I need. Whatever else happens, we’ll figure it out and work through it.” Ali says with a deep sense of tranquility.

“Lovely, but I wasn’t done.” Kyle jokingly rolls his eyes. “You know I’ll always be thrilled for you when you’re happy, no matter what. But this is so much more than that. I mean, I’ve always been a little obsessed with that woman and you know it. And you probably think it’s the Instagram thing, but that isn’t even the half of it. Like, she’s really a hero to me. I’ve read so much about her and things she has done and stood for in an industry that can be shady as fuck. She’s this discrete and respectful leader, but also fearless in standing up for things she believes in…and queer to put a cherry on top! And I know you’ve gotten to know her in very a personal way that I have no clue about, but if you haven’t read about her outside of that, you really should. I just appreciate her so much and that was way before I knew what she went through. Al, you’re my favorite person in the whole world and knowing that an amazing human like her is your _person_ is just…I can’t even tell you. Gay Royal Couple just took on a whole new meaning for me. Tonight was crazy.”

“Aww I love you, and you’re my fav too.” Ali takes in everything he said and kisses his cheek. “I guess you’re right though, I only know whatever she’s told me and that was bound by the surrogate situation in many ways. I never Google my clients. Sooo, give me a hint. What am I missing?”

“Oodles. Like, did you know she’s helped create STEM programing for NYC public schools and all these extra aspects within that encourage girls to get more involved in it? Oh, and that she actually spends significant time in local nursing homes to teach older people how to use social media to connect with their families? Not to mention that her company funds that shelter for homeless LGBTQ+ youth over near Central Park. And that’s just the local stuff. She’s a fucking saint.” He tells her matter-of-factly.

“Not at all surprising, but I didn’t know any of that. Now stop before I start freaking out that she’s out of my league.” Ali groans.

“Oh please, there is no greater saint than a therapist. Especially one that saves people’s love lives. The fuck is the point of anything if we can’t love ourselves and others? You’re the real MVP!” He praises her like always. “Annnyway, you two are made for each other. Also totally fucking stunning together. It’s not even fair.”

“You’re giving me a toothache.” Ali teases him.

“All I’m saying is you should Google your girlfriend, hunny. She’s such a Queen.” Kyle leaves it at that. “Ugh, it’s fucking late. At least your date is in the afternoon and you can sleep in. Speaking of, what are we looking at in terms of getting together an outfit for you and what not?”

“God, I have no idea. Didn’t even ask her what she had in mind.” Ali puts up a finger to tell him to hold on and pulls out her phone. She already sent Ashlyn a quick text when she got home and hopes she isn’t waking her up now that another hour has already gone by.

_Alex Krieger: About to go to sleep and realized I have no idea what I should wear tomorrow. Care to help me out? Hope you had a great rest of the night and sleep well. Can’t wait to see you :-)_

By the time she grabs two bottles of water from the fridge for her and Kyle, she has a reply.

_Ashlyn: Just got home and about to go to bed finally. Casual and warm for tomorrow, nothing fancy, and that’s all you get. Beautiful dreams for the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m counting down the seconds :-)_

“Casual and warm, vague much? No wonder I didn’t bother asking, I knew she was one of these mysterious date people.” Ali shows Kyle the text.

“Adorable. And of course she is.” Kyle replies.

“I’m so fucking in love.” Ali sighs happily as she reads the text again.

“Obviously. Now turn off that sunshine smile, cause can’t nobody sleep with that damn thing on!” He goads her, earning himself a pinch to the gut before getting a goodnight hug and going to bed.

Ali barely manages to snuggle into Ashlyn’s hoodie before her eyes close, smiling as one final thought runs through her mind before the exhaustion catches up to her. _She’s really mine._

\--------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh wow.” It’s the first thing that comes out of Ashlyn’s mouth when Ali opens the door, the brunette’s vibrant smile in full force with her tongue just poking through her teeth_. _Her tight black jeans hug her thighs perfectly, an off-white cashmere sweater softens the look while her full make-up and loose hair take everything up a notch._ I’m the luckiest person on the planet._

“Wow yourself, Stanford.” Ali replies as she looks her up and down. Ashlyn is the perfect blend of dressy and casual in fitted dark gray jeans, black leather boots, and a warm black pea coat that just barely shows a white collared shirt underneath it. Her hair is down with that beachy look, but it’s mostly covered by a black beanie.

“Hi. You look beautiful as always.” Ashlyn smiles coyly and holds her hands out, a medium-sized box in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. “These are for you.”

“What’s all this?” Ali takes the items from her and looks them over.

“Best donuts around and my favorite wine made by Whit’s boyfriend right here in the city.” Ashlyn replies.

“Oop, she wasn’t kidding. You really do bring donuts and wine on a first date instead of flowers.” Ali laughs, just now remembering that they covered this topic once.

“She definitely wasn’t kidding.” Ashlyn chuckles. “If I remember correctly, you said back then that I was totally speaking your language.”

“Without a doubt. Always bring me this instead of flowers.” Ali approves.

“Done deal.” Ashlyn agrees.

“Come on in.” Ali motions with her hand and inhales deeply as the blonde brushes passed her. _She always smells so fucking good._

“This building is gorgeous.” Ashlyn remarks as she walks by a staircase on her right and into what appears to be the living room. It’s definitely an older building that has been remodeled with lots of exposed brick and large industrial-looking windows. It a good sized space, but not huge by any means and it’s a more segmented layout that’s common in older buildings. The décor is an interesting mix of what seems to be classic furniture pieces with some more modern elements here and there. She doesn’t know Ali’s family at all, but it seems to be a mish-mash of the family home her parents created with some of the brunette’s own updates. “These brick walls are everything. It’s so cozy in here and it has such a very calming and chill vibe. I love it.” She compliments.

“Thanks.” Ali smiles, watching Ashlyn look around the main living area. “I’ve changed some things over time, but a lot of it is still the way my parents left it. Well, more so my Mom because she redecorated a lot. There’s still three other floors if you’re interested.” She offers.

“I am, but maybe we can save that for later when we’re back?” Ashlyn suggests.

“Oh, and she’s already inviting herself in after the date. Cocky as fuck, Stanford.” Ali teases.

“Hell yes I am. What, did you think that whole box of donuts was just for you? You’re gonna have to share at least one.” Ashlyn winks.

“Well you’re definitely welcome to get the tour after our date, but you should know that I’m notorious for not sharing food.” Ali counters half-jokingly.

“Challenge accepted, Harvard.” Ashlyn smirks, watching Ali grab her coat. “We’ll be outside for a while, so you might want a hat and gloves too.”

“So, the Florida girl is taking me on an outdoor date when it’s supposed to start snowing any minute? You feeling ok?” Ali walks over and pretends to check her for a fever.

“Just keeping you on your toes. And giving myself frostbite apparently.” Ashlyn takes Ali’s hand and laces their fingers together. “You ready?”

“Been ready since you asked me last night, and a lot longer than that if we’re being honest.” Ali answers candidly.

“In that case, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, beautiful.” Ashlyn brings the brunette’s hand up to her mouth to kiss it before leading her out the door.

\---

“I’ll never get used to the way people drive in this city. Like a damn sport.” Ashlyn comments, flinching a bit as their Uber driver cuts through heavy traffic. Ali doesn’t appear to be fazed, but the tight hold on her hand tells her otherwise. “I actually thought about driving us around today, but I figured I was nervous enough already without worrying about this madness.” She motions to a taxi cab swerving in and out of lanes just ahead of them.

“Well I need to meet that prized college Jeep of yours someday, but yeah, traffic is more insane than usual today.” Ali agrees, her fingers going to rest under Ashlyn’s chin so that the blonde will look at her. “Don’t be nervous.” She says softly, placing a tiny kiss on her chin where her fingers just were.

“It’s not a bad nervous.” Ashlyn assures her with a smile, fighting the urge to lean in for a proper kiss because she doesn’t want their first real kiss today to be in the back of an Uber. “It’s just a you give me crazy butterflies and I love how it feels to be around you kind of nervous. I happen to enjoy it.”

_You melt me. _“You’re so damn sweet…but if you think that’s getting you a donut, try again.” Ali teases her.

“That wasn’t even an attempt.” Ashlyn waves it off with a smile.

“So, where exactly are we going?” Ali finally asks now that they’ve been in the car for almost thirty minutes.

“Actually, we’re just about there. Probably faster if we just get out here and walk the last two blocks, that ok?” Ashlyn checks.

“Definitely.” Ali nods, the two of them getting out of the car as soon as the driver pulls to the curb. She smiles when Ashlyn just naturally takes her hand again and leads the way. “Are you taking me to Central Park?” She asks curiously when she sees one of the entrances ahead.

“What gave it away?” Ashlyn says sarcastically. “And yes, I’m showing you Central Park.”

“I’m sorry, did you just say that you are showing a born and raised New Yorker Central Park?” Ali’s forehead winkles up in amusement.

“If I’ve learned anything about New Yorkers, it’s that you know this city like the back of your hand…but, very few of you actually see it.” Ashlyn replies simply. “I’m showing you my favorite thing in NYC and I’m willing to bet that you’ve never seen it. Or at least not properly.”

“You certainly have my attention.” Ali smiles. For as much as she knows every corner of this massive park, she has a gut feeling that she’s about to get blown away just the same.

The first few snowflakes of the impending storm are starting to flutter down and Ashlyn walks them over to the Great Lawn since it’s a good place to start today’s adventure. She heads over to one of the benches that she knows very well and motions for them to sit before turning herself towards Ali.

“So, there are almost 10,000 benches in this park. And just about half of them have little plaques on them. Did you know that?” Ashlyn asks.

“I knew there were a lot of benches obviously, but didn’t know it was that many. And yeah, I guess I’ve noticed that some have these memorial plaques on them. Why?” Ali tries to see where Ashlyn is going with this.

“Have you ever really looked at the plaques?” Ashlyn inquires.

“Not really, no. Maybe a couple here and there.” Ali replies honestly.

“Exactly.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “You’ve seen them, but you haven’t actually seen them.”

“Aren’t they just memorial plaques?” Ali tries to look at the one on the bench they’re sitting on, but Ashlyn is blocking her view.

“Some are memorials with just names and dates, sometimes a quote. There are even corporate sponsored ones.” Ashlyn tells her. “But thousands more of them are love notes, proposals, anniversaries, little sayings or stories, or even inside jokes that nobody but the people they refer to would ever understand. And they’re meaningful enough that somebody paid $5,000 to $10,000 for each of those plaques.”

“Woah, ok. I did not know that.” Ali admits. “The question is, how did you come to know that?”

“Like the first month I moved here I decided to come check out Central Park because it was high on the tourist list. And I actually sat on this bench to sit for a few minutes and read this…” She slides over a bit and points to the plaque that she was sitting against, watching the brunette read it.

_We Would Make the Same Mistake All Over Again! Ben & Laura Scofield. Still Best Friends._

“I spent like half an hour sitting here wondering what the mistake could’ve been. Like were they really just best friends or maybe married? Did they have a baby and it was a happy mistake? Do they ever come back to this bench, how often? Just all these questions that I would never know the answer to.” Ashlyn explains. “I literally could not stop thinking about it. So, then I got curious if there were more benches like that and started walking around reading them. And there were a ton more like this one. You know I love people’s stories, so I got sucked in pretty fast. I think I’ve spend more time reading these benches and wondering about them than doing anything else in this city.”

“Keep going.” Ali implores her, completely taken by the passion in her voice.

“I dunno, it’s like this place is so go, go, go all the time. You pass so many damn people every day and never stop to think about it. Even if you did, there’s too many people to wrap your head around it all. Something about these benches just makes me actually realize how many lives have been lived here. And that within those lives there are these important life moments that are worth marking even if they mean nothing to everyone else. They’re all about love, loss, friendship, total spontaneity, and all kinds of things than we can all connect to as humans even if we don’t know the meaning behind them. Like you can still feel it, you know?” Ashlyn rambles a bit.

_There is nobody like you. Soul deeper than an ocean. _Ali nods and entwines their fingers more snuggly. “So, how’d you figure out how many there are? Did you count them?” Her curiosity is majorly peaked.

“Nah. I actually tried to look up if there was any historical background on the benches when I got home that day and found that there was a woman who was in charge of the Adopt-A-Bench program. So, I got in touch with her like a week later and asked a million questions. Her name is Kathy and she’s the sweetest woman in the world. Her and this guy named George actually run the whole program by themselves as part of the Central Park Conservancy. She handles the financial and technical stuff and George does the work of up-keeping the benches and installing the plaques.” Ashlyn tells her matter-of-factly.

“Of course you did.” Ali scoots closer and rests her head against blonde’s shoulder, watching the snow fall for a minute. “What else?”

“Who says there’s something else?” Ashlyn asks playfully.

“Because there’s always another layer with you and it manages to captivate me every time.” Ali pulls Ashlyn’s hand into her lap, holding it with two hands now. “So, tell me.”

“Well, I’ve spent enough time with Kathy that I’ve been lucky enough to learn some backstories about these benches. Kinda weird, but they mean the world to me even though they’re about complete strangers.” Ashlyn shrugs, and taps the bench plaque with her fingertips. “Want to know what the mistake was?”

“You seriously know?” Ali picks her head up.

“Mhmm.” Ashlyn smiles and reveals it. “Ben and Laura Scofield actually lived in Virginia and used to rent a place here in NYC so they could visit once a month because they loved the city. Central Park was their favorite. Ben got Laura this bench for her 50th birthday after she told him no jewelry as a gift which was his usual go-to. They had gotten engaged when they were in their early twenties after being together less than a year. When Ben called to tell his mother about the engagement, she freaked out and told him ‘you’re making the biggest mistake of your life’. Of course, they got married anyway and are still happily married, retired, and have three kids.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s awesome.” Ali can’t help but smile at the story and the effort Ashlyn put in just to learn it. “Well, this born and raised New Yorker officially surrenders that she hasn’t really seen Central Park.” She gets up and tugs Ashlyn’s hand. “Show me?”

_I’ll show you the whole damn world if you ask me to. _“That’s what we’re here for.” Ashlyn grins and gets up, leading them along the path. She contently watches as Ali stops to read every bench along the way. The snow falls harder and coats the ground, but neither of them care.

“I love this one. Do you know it?” Ali sits down on the bench and reads the plaque again.

_For Paul Carlson. In all of us there is Fear, Hope and Adventure. In all of us there is a Wild Thing._

“I do.” Ashlyn nods and sits down next to her, getting lost in her whiskey eyes for a moment. They’ve been at it for an hour now, taking their time and enjoying the snippets and words etched along the way. Ali stops every so often and sits on the benches that grab her attention, asking for the story behind them. Sometimes Ashlyn knows them, sometimes she doesn’t…but she falls deeper in love at every stop, learning another piece of the brunette through each one that draws her in.

“Will you tell me?” Ali requests.

“Paul Carlson was killed in a car accident when he was 33. The two things he loved most were his bulldog, Bandit, and the book _Where the Wild Things Are_. He used to always wear a Wild Things t-shirt and he would let his dog run through the grass of Central Park even though he got a ticket every time for letting him off the leash. His family got this bench in memory of him and then when his dog died a year later, they got this one too.” Ashlyn motions to the bench beside them and watches Ali get up to read it.

_For Bandit, Paul’s bulldog. Forever by his side._

“Amazing. How did I not realize all of these were here?” Ali asks rhetorically, leaning into Ashlyn’s side a bit as they stand there.

“Now you know why I’ve spent countless hours here.” Ashlyn wraps an arm around her waist.

“Do you have favorites?” Ali asks, the thought just dawning on her now.

“Absolutely. My top two are not too far.” Ashlyn replies, bearing right at the next fork in the path and taking them towards the lake. They walk along the lake for about ten minutes before she stops and motions to one of the benches so Ali can read it.

_Two Red Foxes and a Pup._

“Fascinating. What does that mean?” Ali asks with great interest.

“That’s what I love about it. It makes no sense and seems totally out of the blue unless you know.” Ashlyn says and then walks a couple steps to the bench beside it. “Turns out, it goes along with this one.”

_Adam, win, lose or break even, you always have me. Love, Susan._

“This is gonna be interesting.” Ali sits down on the bench eagerly.

“For his 65th birthday, Susan got this bench for her husband Adam who was an investment banker. When he used to come home from work every day, his two sons would always ask him if he won, lost, or broke even. And he would always reply that he broke even because that was pretty much what life was about, breaking even.” Ashlyn reveals. “After getting the first bench, they decided that they wanted to get a bench for their two sons. One of their sons had proposed to his wife through a kids book that he wrote titled _Two Red Foxes_. He titled it that because apparently, a fox had run by the field where his to-be wife’s father had proposed to her mother and foxes held a lot of meaning for her. And then Susan and Adam’s other son’s nickname was Pup. So, Two Red Foxes and a Pup.”

“I would never come up with that in a billion years.” Ali says incredulously.

“Right?” Ashlyn chuckles. “I love how weird it is and how it probably leaves so many people guessing. And also the whole sentiment behind it… being together so long with so much love as a couple and also as a family that you commemorate it like this.”

“It’s wonderful.” Ali agrees.

“My other favorite is just up here.” Ashlyn walks them another fifty yards down the path and then sits on the bench when she gets to it, giving Ali time to read it.

_‘Just living is not enough,’ said the butterfly. ʻOne must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.’ In Memory of Emma J. Bachman 1981-2015._

“That’s beautiful, powerful. Also sad.” Ali says quietly, noting that the person it memorializes was only 34.

“Emma died after battling leukemia for over two years. She wanted to be cremated, and her family wanted a place to be able to honor her and pay their respects, so they picked this bench. She loved butterflies, even had one tattooed on her ankle. It reminds me of my grandma and my own butterfly tattoo. I come here a lot when I’m thinking of her, especially when I have a decision to make and try to come up with what she would have done or what advice she would’ve given me.” Ashlyn tells her.

“I love that.” Ali says reverently, the totality of this afternoon really hitting her. She couldn’t be more enchanted and taken with Ashlyn if she tried…her sense of humanity, the way she connects and feels at such incredible depths, her palpable warmth and compassion. There’s nothing that matches it. Being given the tiniest tiny spot in this woman’s soul is an invaluable gift, and she knows she’ll never take it for granted. Her heart beats fast, her hands going up to hold the blonde’s cheeks gently.

“Al?” Ashlyn whispers at the look on her face, entranced by the way those whiskey eyes hold her gaze.

“I’m so in love with you, Ashlyn Harris. I love you so much.” Ali says it twice so there’s no mistake, her voice soft, but strong.

_She said it first._ Ashlyn grins like an idiot and gets closer, her lips just a hair from Ali’s. “Still more than literally fucking everything?”

“Never been any other way.” Ali kisses her passionately, conveying everything her words could never do justice to. This woman always leaves her breathless and if her lungs are ever going to crap out on her, she hopes this is the way it happens. It feels like an out-of-body experience, the heat running through her body contrasting with the cold snowflakes melting on her exposed skin, and a desire so strong she doesn’t even know what to do with herself. All she can do is hold onto the glorious ache that radiates from her chest for all it’s worth and do everything in her power to make sure Ashlyn can feel it too.

Ashlyn finally breaks the kiss, placing smaller ones all over Ali’s face before getting right next to her ear. “I love you too, Alexandra Krieger. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I’ll never stop loving you like this. Never, sweetheart.” She kisses her softer and slower, letting the physical connection smolder within the pot of boiling emotion. She can visualize how they must look right now…sitting on a bench in Central Park, caught up in each other like no one else exists as the snow falls hard around them. It’s the kind of world-stopping moment she has pictured others having on these benches, but this time it’s her own. _It’s ours._

“Wow.” Ali whispers and pecks the blonde’s lips one more time. “Not exactly first date material, but wow.”

“Same.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “When have we ever done anything average?”

“Never and I love us for that.” Ali giggles.

“Me too. Oh well, we tried.” Ashlyn shrugs with a chuckle. “That felt nice…you saying it first this time around.” She confesses.

“I’ll admit that I had really hoped to. Not like an agenda in any way.” Ali clarifies. “I just didn’t want to have to hold back the way I felt this time. And I didn’t.”

“Good. Cause as much this is a first date, I didn’t exactly plan for a first date.” Ashlyn says cryptically.

“I have no idea what that means, Stanford.” Ali says at the mysterious statement.

“Come on, one more bench to check out before I officially freeze to death.” Ashlyn gets up and tugs Ali up with her, but the brunette stays sitting.

“Thank you.” Ali kisses her fingertips and then runs them along the plaque on the bench. She’s not sure exactly why she did it other than it felt right to acknowledge someone else’s sacred spot after having a moment of her own there.

_You are everything I could ever want. _Ashlyn stands there admiring the respectful gesture even if she’s not surprised at all by the brunette’s level of empathy.

“What?” Ali asks as she stands up, noting the corners of Ashlyn’s mouth upturned into a soft smile.

“Nothing, you just melt my heart. And that’s saying something during a damn blizzard.” Ashlyn exaggerates the snowfall.

“Someone has to keep you from turning into a popsicle.” Ali kisses her nose. “Oops too late, your nose is already frozen.”

“Yeah well, the sun isn’t exactly helping me out here.” Ashlyn motions to the now deep purplish horizon as they walk along, the sun just about set as it nears 4:30pm.

“It’s a snowstorm, babe. The sun was never gonna help you through those clouds.” Ali pulls her a little closer as they walk. “How far are we going?”

“Just over the Oak Bridge right there and then like 5 minutes. It’s over in Strawberry Fields.” Ashlyn answers. “You doing ok?”

“I’m great. I love a good walk in the snow. It’s you that I’m worried about, Florida girl.” Ali leans into her.

“I’m wonderful, promise.” Ashlyn says sweetly.

“Strawberries Fields is one of my Central Park favorites actually.” Ali divulges.

“It is?” Ashlyn asks with intrigue.

“Yep. I haven’t been there in a long while, but I used to love to study on the lawns there when I was at Columbia. It was always quieter and had the best shade.” Ali replies.

_Add that as another sign from the universe._ “Those huge elm trees are amazing.” Ashlyn agrees knowingly, her heartrate picking up.

The park is quiet between the storm and the ever growing darkness, and Ali listens to the peaceful crunching of snow as they step. She steals side glances at Ashlyn every so often, smiling to herself at that way the blonde’s cheeks and nose are reddened from the cold, little beads of water from melted snowflakes clinging to her eyebrows. She’s about to make a Frosty the Snowman joke when Ashlyn slows down.

“So, over here is my new favorite bench in the park.” Ashlyn points to a green painted bench about twenty feet away. Many of the benches here are connected together in long rows lining the path, but this one is on its own and near a small concrete birdbath nearly underneath one those huge elm trees they had just talked about.

“Can’t wait for this one then.” Ali smiles, wondering what deep or even bizarre message must be on this bench.

“Me either.” Ashlyn whispers inaudibly and takes a slow deep breath, seeing Ali sit down to read it and joining right beside her.

_Alexandra, _

_Breathing next to you is better than anywhere else. And how lucky am I to sit with you and breathe._

_MTLFE, Ashlyn_

“Oh my god.” Ali covers her open mouth with her hand in disbelief, re-reading the shiny plaque again in the dim light. “MTLFE…more than literally fucking everything. This is…” She feels too many things at once to even finish the thought.

“Ours. This one is ours.” Ashlyn fills in the words and reaches for her hand.

“How?” It’s all Ali can manage to squeak out, touched beyond belief and trying not to cry out of sheer joy.

Ashlyn leans in and leaves a lingering kiss on her lips before giving her the story she’s asking for. “Like I said earlier today, I’ve been obsessed with these benches since I moved here. I’ve donated a whole lot more to the program than the cost of a bench. Kathy eventually insisted that I pick one, so I did. I’ve owned this one for like almost 4 years, but I’ve never known what to put on it. The other night when I ran into you at the movie, I knew. So, I called Kathy first thing the next morning. Kathy and George always told me that whenever I came up with what I wanted on a plaque, they’d have it up within 48 hours. They were serious apparently.”

Ali takes it all in and finds Ashlyn’s eyes. “I don’t even know what to say. This is one of the most meaningful things anyone has ever done for me…the words, the thought, all of it. I love it. And I love you.” She kisses her romantically for a few seconds before finding her eyes again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” Ashlyn nods.

“You did this before the party last night and before you knew what would happen between us, and before you asked me on this date. What if it had gone differently?” Ali can’t help but wonder about the root of Ashlyn’s confidence in them. Even though she herself had been so hopeful for their reunion, she had still spent all of last night an anxious mess until the woman took her to their spot and poured her heart out.

“It wouldn’t have mattered.” Ashlyn replies sincerely. “Alex, when I ran into you at the movie the other night, I knew there was no way in hell I was ever letting you go again. The moment I saw you, I knew exactly how I felt…same way I’ve felt about you from day one.” She points to the plaque. “And I know with absolutely no doubt that I’ll always feel this way about you. So, it didn’t matter whether we ended up as friends or more than that, this is still how I’d feel. I was dead serious when I told you that you have my love no matter what form you want it in. It honestly would have taken me a little longer to bring you here if we had chosen to be friends, but I would have brought you here just the same because I’d still want you to know how loved you are and what you mean to me.”

“Thank you.” Ali’s hand finds its way to Ashlyn’s cheek like always. “For loving me the way you do, for not letting it go, and for making sure I know it. I promise that I’ll never stop doing everything in my power and then some to make sure you know how loved you are in return. And I promise you that no matter what happens, we’ll breathe beside each other from now on. I’m the lucky one.” She pulls her into a kiss that seals her promises and makes everything spin. “Best first date.” She breathes against the blonde’s lips.

“Lucky? Best first date? Who are you and what did you do with careful words Ali Krieger?” Ashlyn asks teasingly, not used to these kinds of bold assertions from the usually practical brunette.

“She met you and now she gone, biiitch!” Ali plays back with a laugh, doing the best impression of Megan she can manage.

“Oh my fucking god, they corrupted you in one night!” Ashlyn belly laughs with wide eyes. “This is gonna be so fun, isn’t it?” She says more meaningfully. Neither of them is naïve to the reality that they’ll have just as many hard moments as great ones, but the fact that they’re on the same page and committing to moving forward together brings a feeling of bliss between them feels unstoppable.

“You know it.” Ali beams back at her. “I love our bench. Well, I guess our benches now that there’s two.”

“Ha, me too. I’m good like that.” Ashlyn jokingly toots her own horn and earns herself a little pinch on the thigh that’s quickly soothed by a peck on her lips. “Alright, we should go. Getting way too dark to be safe.”

“Agreed.” Ali nods, knowing damn well that Central Park after dark is generally a bad idea. “Where to next, Ms. Planner of a First Date That’s Nothing Like a First Date?”

“Ever gone camping?” Ashlyn asks a question in reply.

“Nope. Can’t say I’m a camping person.” Ali admits.

“Same. But this is kind of like glamping, only for dinner.” Ashlyn says with a smile.

“Yet again, I have no idea what that means, but count me in.” Ali just goes right along with it.

\---

“Hold on, did you get us a hotel room and make it all campy?” Ali asks as their Uber pulls up to the Arlo Soho, a boutique hotel she knows fairly well since it’s just a few blocks from her home.

“That would be mighty presumptuous of me on a first date, don’t cha think? So, no.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly.

“Oh yeah, total stretch after you got me a whole ass bench in Central Park.” Ali plays back with sarcasm, looping her arm through the blonde’s once they’re out of the car. She doesn’t ask any other questions and patiently lets Ashlyn lead them inside and up the elevator to the top floor, walking into what looks like a smallish hotel bar called _The Courtyard_.

“Ashlyn Harris, I have a reservation.” Ashlyn tells the guy behind the host stand at the entrance.

“Welcome to Arlo Courtyard. Your cabin is all ready, right this way. Great night out there with the snow.” The host smiles and leads them across the bar, opening a door that takes them outside onto a roof deck that is lined with three small wooden cabins.

Ali takes it in with surprise. The cabins are both rustic and quaint with Christmas decorations of wreaths, pine trees, and garland that make them perfectly picturesque with the snow that clings to them. It’s almost surreal with the city backdrop, looking like they were taken from mountain retreat and dropped here on this building. “This is so cool.” She comments in awe as the host opens the door to the farthest cabin and lets them in.

The little entrance porch to the cabin has two wooden Adirondack chairs on it. The inside looks like a mini ski lodge with a round wooden dinner table that has four metal chairs around it, a little lantern with votive candles in it as the centerpiece. The side opposite the table features a cozy loveseat with a southwestern print flannel blanket folded over the back, a handmade wooden coffee table in front of it. The entrance wall is lined with coat hooks, framed winter forest landscapes hang on the other three walls, and a faux antler chandelier hangs from the ceiling to complete the look.

“The menus are on the table and there’s a call button for the server staff on the wall here for when you are ready to order. Let us know if you need anything at all and enjoy your dinner.” The host tells them before leaving the cabin.

“Ok seriously, what is this place and how have I never heard of it even though I know this hotel?” Ali finally asks.

“Told you that you New Yorkers don’t really see this city.” Ashlyn teases her again. “I’m kidding, they’ve only been doing it for a couple years now. It started with them converting their roof courtyard into an eating space and having a temporary tent installation for a summer called Tentrr. It was so popular that they kept it up and now seasonally change the space. They’ve had greenhouses and forts too. This fall and winter, it’s cabins. Kameryn is the one who found it on some tourist website last year and we did a business dinner here in one of the greenhouses.”

“Look at the Florida girl planning all kinds of outdoorsy date activities in the winter. It’s actually amazingly warm in here. But is the food good?” Ali raises an eyebrow.

“Please, I made sure these things were heated! The food is nothing fancy, but it’s solid.” Ashlyn helps the brunette take off her coat before pulling out a chair at the table for her so they can check out the menu.

“Reliably chivalrous, Stanford.” Ali kisses her cheek before sitting down.

“I aim for consistency, Harvard.” Ashlyn grins, opening one of the menus. “Oh look, they have lobster mac and cheese in case you feel the need to duck out on me.” She tries to deadpan, but cracks up laughing.

Ali lets her mouth hang open through a smile. “Oh, you’re gonna pay for that one.”

“I’m counting on it.” Ashlyn reaches across the table for her hand and entwines their fingers while they decide. “What are you thinking of getting?”

“I’m not playing around and going right in for that double cheeseburger and the Brooklyn Winter Ale.” Ali barely has to look at the menu. “You?”

“Beer and a cheeseburger. I swear you were made for me.” Ashlyn says approvingly. “I’m gonna try the hot chicken sandwich and I’ll join you on that beer.”

“You can expect me to try a bite of your sandwich and then not let you try my cheeseburger.” Ali tells her plainly with a smirk.

“Whew, she plays rough. I suppose I deserve that after the lobster comment.” Ashlyn concedes and presses the button to let the server know they’re ready to order.

“You absolutely do.” Ali narrows her eyes jokingly before holding the blonde’s gaze warmly.

The server is there faster than expected and they giggle at each other when the knock at the door catches them both off guard.

“Good evening, welcome to Arlo Courtyard. I’m Velma and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Is everything in the cabin ok so far?” The server introduces herself and sets down the two glasses of water she brought to the table along with some dinner rolls and dipping oil.

“It’s great, thank you.” Ashlyn replies.

“Excellent. Are you starting with drinks and appetizers or going right to dinner?” She asks.

“Think we’re going right in for dinner.” Ashlyn looks at Ali for confirmation and gets a nod.

“Sounds good, what can I get you two?” Velma takes their order.

“Go ahead.” Ashlyn motions to Ali so she can order first before giving the server her own order.

“We’ll have your food out shortly and you can call me if you need anything in the meantime. We can also put on the music we are playing inside out here if you’d like.” Velma tells them and waits for an answer by the door.

“Sure, that’d be great. Thanks.” Ali answers for them since Ashlyn gives her a little shrug to signal that she’s good either way. “See, this is why it’s good to have a first date.” She says as soon as the server is gone.

“Why is that?” Ashlyn cocks her head to the side.

“Cause I hate it when people order for me and now I know that even when you know my order, you won’t do that.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

“I didn’t realize there was gonna be a test, and I’m bound to get one wrong at some point, but good to know.” Ashlyn reaches for her hand across the table again, absentmindedly rubbing little circles on the brunette’s skin with her thumb.

“I’m sure I’ll get plenty wrong myself, but we’ll call it a beta test.” Ali winks just as the music suddenly comes on in the cabin, the end of what sounds like a Frank Sinatra song.

“Geez, you really have been corrupted by the programmers.” Ashlyn laughs. “Gotta say this might be the only time I’ll ever be excited to work out the bugs from a beta test.” She waggles her eyebrows.

“Was that an insinuation about make-up sex?” Ali asks pointedly with a smile.

“I’m gonna let you decide.” Ashlyn winks back at her.

Before Ali can respond with something clever, she easily recognizes the opening notes of a cover of _First Day of My Life_. She had been in the small audience the first time Lisa Loeb ever performed it live and it has been one of her favorite covers ever since. She doesn’t think twice, getting up and going around to Ashlyn’s side of the table. “Dance with me?”

“I’ll _never_ not dance with you.” Ashlyn’s pulse picks up at the invitation, immediately standing and moving away from the table a bit before letting her hands settle on Ali’s lower back.

Ali puts her arms around the blonde’s shoulders, pressing her forehead to Ashlyn’s cheek and breathing the same air. She closes her eyes, relishing in the feel of those large hands against her back, secure but gentle.

Ashlyn’s body feels loose and rubbery the same way it did the last time they danced together over two years ago. It had been such a poignant and intimate moment between them, but to know that this far less intense one incites the same physical and emotional reaction is simultaneously exhilarating and comforting beyond belief.

_Yours was the first face that I saw  
I think I was blind before I met you  
And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been  
But I know where I want to go_

_And so I'd thought I'd let you know  
Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow  
But I realized that need you  
And I wondered if I could come home_

“I’ve missed the way you hold me.” Ali whispers a hair from Ashlyn’s lips, one hand going to the back of the blonde’s neck and getting used to the way her hand now tangles in her hair.

“Holding you feels like home, and I love it here…been way too long.” Ashlyn speaks her thoughts prompted by the song lyrics, puckering her lips so they gently press against Ali’s.

“So damn long.” Ali kisses her with a bit more pressure before nuzzling right into the crook of her neck and holding her tighter. When the song is over and replaced by a more upbeat rock song, she pulls Ashlyn with her to the little couch and snuggles right into her side. “Alright, this place is amazing. Why’d you pick here?”

“Definitely not as deep as Central Park.” Ashlyn tells her frankly. “It’s hard to have dinner in NYC without it being crowded and busy. After we’ve spent so much time apart, I just wanted time with you to start catching up, whether that’s talking or just being around each other. So, I went with a date that gave us some private time.”

“Oh, so she just wanted to get me alone?” Ali teases.

“I mean, we could’ve danced in the middle of a busy restaurant too…but I liked this better.” Ashlyn banters back.

“Me too. Plus, it was a fun surprise to see that the cold-weather hater planned a completely outdoorsy date in a snowstorm. Sides I never knew you had, Stanford.” Ali kisses her chin.

“Or maybe I just went for some continuity to bring things full circle.” Ashlyn taps her own chin. “I seem to recall dropping you onto a snow covered outdoor chaise the last time we were together like this. Stay alert, Harvard.”

“Right, after I got you with a snowball first. You stay alert, Stanford.” Ali smiles mischievously. “I remember it very clearly, went something like this…” Ali straddles the blonde’s lap and kisses her hard before climbing right off her and settling back against her shoulder like nothing happened.

_Jesusfuck._ “Thanks for the reminder.” Ashlyn whispers with still hooded eyes. “Throw a snowball at me this time and I’ll take my donuts back.” She composes herself.

“Tough terms, but I suppose I’ll choose no snowball.” Ali pretends to consider it.

“Good choice.” Ashlyn plays with Ali’s fingers. “Alright, what were your favorite benches from today? Ours doesn’t count.”

“Hmm. I couldn’t get enough of the one that had the marriage proposal on it where the fiancée added another plaque underneath it that said: _John, I love you very much and look forward to marrying you, but if we have a fight, you can always sleep here_.” Ali answers. “That’s just solid NYC humor right there and just so real-life relationship.”

“That one is great.” Ashlyn agrees.

“My other one you can probably guess.” Ali says softly.

“The 9/11 one with the quote?” Ashlyn states more than asks, knowing just how long Ali lingered there as if she was memorizing it and called it beautiful twice.

_In loving memory of our dear L. WTC 9/11/2001. You are the quiet bird in circled flight; the soft star that shines at night._

“Yeah. I wasn’t surprised to see several 9/11 ones, but the quote on that one just really got me. I guess maybe because my Dad was sort of a quieter soft spoken guy, and when I think of him I tend to sort of look to sky subconsciously. Not because I believe in heaven, but because in my mind that was his last location…high up in the sky.” Ali explains.

Ashlyn kisses the top of her head and hugs her a little tighter. “Whenever and in whatever way you’re willing, I’d really like to learn more about him. Your mom too.”

“You absolutely will.” Ali says resolutely. “I’ve always been so grateful for the few people in my life that make me feel comfortable enough to talk about my parents. But more recently, it really hit me how small that space is in my life and how rare those people are. And you created one of those spaces for me right from the beginning even though you didn’t have to and, under the circumstances it started in, probably shouldn’t have. But you did, and you cared from such an authentic place, and you understood, and you actually heard me. And I’m so thankful for that safe space, maybe now more than ever.”

“I feel the same safety with you. This, between us, is always a safe space.” Ashlyn returns the sentiment wholeheartedly.

“I know.” Ali nods just as there’s a knock at the door.

They pull apart slightly, going back over to the table as the server comes in and puts their food down before making sure they don’t need anything else and leaving again.

“Ok Stanford, this is a big moment for me, but I’m like on cloud nine tonight so…I’m gonna let you try the first bite of my burger.” Ali offers it up like it’s gold.

“Oh wow, Harvard, the weight of this moment is astronomical!” Ashlyn laughs. “I’m good though, really. Plenty happy with my chicken sandwich, which you’re more than welcome to have some of.”

“And you’re perfect. Passed that sneak beta test with flying colors, babe! That was a tough one too.” Ali gives her a satisfied smile and takes a big bite of her burger.

“Cannot believe you just pop quizzed me!” Ashlyn looks at her incredulously with a grin. “Now I’m having two donuts later.”

“Fair, but then I’ll have to lower your score by half a grade. Choose wisely.” Ali jokes back before getting back to normal conversation. “Speaking of beta test though, you never told me how the media stuff went this morning and how the app is doing so far now that it’s live.”

“Way better than expected, we’re up to about 600,000 users in just one day. I know that’s a lot to do with people downloading it just because we’re the Instagram founders, but still.” Ashlyn replies and fills her on the rest of her day before the conversation turns to Ali’s therapy practice and some of the things she has done to adapt it now that she’s no longer a surrogate. By the time they realize, it has been over an hour and the waitress is bringing their check.

“There’s like four inches out here already.” Ashlyn stands just outside the cabin’s entrance as they get ready to leave, pushing some snow around with her foot.

“Think they said it would slow down before midnight and be like six inches total.” Ali remarks.

“See, blizzard!” Ashlyn exclaims.

“Drama queen.” Ali shakes her head. “Can’t wait to see what you say when there’s an actual blizzard.”

“Pssh, I hightail my ass out of town and find a warm beach.” Ashlyn laughs before wrapping her arms around Ali’s waist as they continue to stand just outside the cabin with snow falling on them. “You know, I actually thought that I was suddenly gonna love snow after that amazing moment with you on my balcony. Went right back out there the morning after and what a fucking reality check. Turns out, I just love you.” She kisses her sweetly before pulling back to find her eyes. “Know what else?”

“What?” Ali asks softly, ever mesmerized by that warm hazel gaze.

“Pay back is a total bitch!” Ashlyn smothers a clump of snow against Ali’s neck and takes off running towards the roof deck door.

By the time Ali gets over the surprise, Ashlyn is already standing inside the restaurant door with a shit-eating grin on her face.

“Officially no donuts for you.” Ali can’t help but smile at Ashlyn opening the door for her when she gets there.

“Totally worth it.” Ashlyn smirks cockily. “If you want, we can take a car to your place since it’s still snowing hard?” She offers on their way out.

“And miss out on pelting you with snowballs the whole way there? Fuck no, we’re walking.” Ali says resolutely.

“Shit, did not think of that.” Ashlyn grimaces.

“Oh you stepped in it, Stanford. Prepare yourself to look like an abominable snowman by time we get to my place.” Ali sasses in satisfaction.

“Can I earn my donut back if I surrender gracefully?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

“Only if it’s in the form of a full-on snow angel, nothing less.” Ali playfully sets her terms.

“Deal.” Ashlyn agrees as they exit the hotel, suddenly dropping right to the ground on an undisturbed patch of snow on the sidewalk and making a snow angel.

Ali laughs heartily at the sight, several people walking by actually slowing down to watch as Ashlyn puts full effort into her snow angel before standing back up to look at it. “Wow, these must be some donuts. Cannot believe you just did that on an NYC sidewalk.”

“I mean, they’re pretty amazing donuts, but it’s more about who I’m sharing them with.” Ashlyn lays it on thick, working to brush herself off.

“Keep that up and I might let you have two.” Ali takes her hand and starts walking.

\---

“Want the rest of the tour before we pop open that wine and lose all motivation?” Ali asks as they get back to her place and take off their coats.

“Definitely.” Ashlyn nods, taking off her boots in the entrance way so she doesn’t get the place wet before following the brunette up the staircase. “So there’s four floors?” She asks as they keep climbing.

“Yep, figured we’d start at the top. It’s not a huge condo in terms of the size of the living spaces themselves, but it has four floors to make up for that.” Ali explains. “Up here on the top floor is just a home office and another small room that acts as a closet really. My bedroom closet is pretty small, so I keep most of my clothes up here and switch it out seasonally.”

“This looks very therapist.” Ashlyn says lightly as she looks into the office space, seeing that it has a comfortable chair positioned across from a two-seater couch with a coffee table between them. A medium-sized desk is placed in the corner with a couple of bookshelves against the other walls.

“Without a doubt.” Ali confirms. “I actually don’t use it much, but my Mom worked in here often. She used to do a lot of seminar presentations and even taught some college courses at times. She also had one or two clients that she would see here.”

“You can tell it’s a bright space with all the windows. Really inviting, it’s nice.” Ashlyn remarks and follows the brunette to the next door, peeking in once Ali opens it.

“Not much to see in here, just a bedroom that is now my storage closet.” Ali shrugs.

While the room hasn’t actually been converted into a closet with proper shelving, Ashlyn is impressed by the way it’s organized with various standing clothes racks and organizers for shoes and other accessories. “Not gonna lie, the OCD in me is giddy over your level of tidiness and order.” She admits.

“Don’t get too excited, I’m fairly neat but I have my moments of slob too.” Ali confesses.

“A fun challenge for my meticulousness.” Ashlyn replies as Ali shuts the door and leads them down the stairs.

“Third floor is the two guest bedrooms and a bathroom. They’re my and Kyle’s old bedrooms. He actually still uses his when he crashes here.” Ali explains, walking Ashlyn over to each room so she can have a look.

The guest bedrooms are pretty typical looking, full sized beds in each one with a simple set of night tables and dressers. Still, Ashlyn can easily see which one is Kyle’s because everything from the bed spread to the curtains is in monotone shades with little pops of color by way of artwork and succulent plants in ornate pots. The bathroom isn’t huge but has a modernized retro look with copper fixtures and round mirrors in painted frames.

“This bathroom is incredible, so damn cool.” Ashlyn compliments. “And I’m actually surprised how many big windows there are and how much light you must get in these rooms. Most older brick NYC buildings I’ve seen like this are kind of dark.”

“It’s one of my favorite things about this place actually. We’re only attached to the building next door on one side and the other is open, plus the condo spans from the whole front to back. So, we have windows on all but one side.” Ali tells her.

“While I absolutely love having the big open layout of my penthouse, I definitely miss the cozier vibe like this that feels more homey. The bigger space can feel so sterile sometimes for lack of a better word. I just adore the way this feels so lived-in and comfortable.” Ashlyn say genuinely.

“Thanks.” Ali smiles. “Come on, time for you to see my bedroom so you can try your hand at psychoanalyzing me.”

“Are you saying you psychoanalyzed me by my bedroom?” Ashlyn jibes her.

“Duh.” Ali replies simply as they get to the second floor.

“Do I even want to know the outcome of that analysis?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“I fell in love with you, didn’t I?” Ali reaches out and pinches her cheek.

“Right. Well then, stakes are high for you right now, aren’t they?” Ashlyn teases as Ali opens the door to her bedroom.

If someone had asked her to guess what Ali’s bedroom would look like, she honestly would have had no idea what to say. Still, walking into this room, everything about is so Ali. There’s an exposed brick wall on one side, a queen bed with a gray pillowed bedframe and white comforter centered against it. The other walls are a light shade of gray, the furniture in the room all white except for a really large wall mirror that has a thick black frame. There’s a small vanity near one of the windows, an assortment of well-organized makeup, nail polish, and tools on top save for a couple tubes of mascara that are sitting there haphazardly. A few exposed lamps are situated throughout the room along with some really eye-catching wall planters where various bright green plants are growing. She pokes her head into the attached bathroom which looks very similar to the one upstairs only a bit bigger and with a fancier tub and shower combo. All of it is so elegant in many ways, but also exudes so much warmth and ease just like the brunette herself.

Ali stands in the doorway, watching as Ashlyn walks around taking in every detail as if she’s trying to learn how each little piece fits into the bigger whole. She sees the blonde pick up the framed picture on her nightstand, studying it carefully before looking pained and sitting down on the edge of the bed with her eyes still trained on it.

At noticing the framed photo on Ali’s nightstand, Ashlyn walks over and picks it up. _Look at that sweet baby face. _Her eyes go right to a young Ali, probably no older than middle-school age. She has the exact same brilliant smile, all her facial features the same only less grown into. She takes in the rest of it, Ali and Kyle sitting down on a red blanket each with an arm wrapped around each other. Their parents crouched behind them with arms around their shoulders looking utterly proud, Ken behind Ali and Deb behind Kyle. It looks like they’re picnicking somewhere on a lawn with a few trees in the background. They look so happy, like a genuinely loving family, and it strikes her so hard that she has to sit down. For as much as she has always been able to understand the experience of losing your parents, this is the part about Ali’s past that she can’t begin to comprehend. She never had this kind of family, not even close. To be able to see even in the smallest of ways the magnitude of what Ali really lost, it’s like a punch to the gut.

_Oh, Ash._ Ali walks right over, easily reading the stricken look on the blonde’s face, sitting down next to her on the bed and pulling her into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Al.” Ashlyn whispers and holds her tight.

“Hey, I know.” Ali pulls back and lets her hand go to the blonde’s face, stroking her cheek softly. “It’s ok. I’m sure we’re gonna have this same moment when I hear more about that amazing Grandma of yours, and countless times over as we learn each other better. But the experience of loss is more the same than it is different, right? We’re lucky to have that common ground to start from even if it’s shitty ground.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re always right.” Ashlyn leans into her touch and turns her face to kiss the brunette’s hand.

“I love your heart, I really do.” Ali kisses the blonde deeply and loses herself for a minute. Neither of them pulls away much when they slow down, the two of them just breathing against each other's lips for a while longer. “When did you manage to put new Carmex on without me noticing?” She asks with a smile when she feels it on her lips.

“When I was heading up the stairs behind you earlier.” Ashlyn laughs softly and pecks her a couple more times. “Being here with you is a dream. I love this. You ok?”

“I’m great. And I really love this too.” Ali smiles at her. “You ok?”

“Never better.” Ashlyn kisses her forehead, picking up the picture from the bed and placing it back on the nightstand.

“Think I need a donut…or like five.” Ali nudges the blonde’s cheek with her forehead.

“Say no more.” Ashlyn gets up and follows the brunette out of the room, looking back at it one more time. “Your room is wonderful by the way, just like you. Perfect.”

“Oh look at Stanford charm trying to earn herself another donut.” Ali goads her as they head down the stairs.

“Is it working?” Ashlyn questions.

“It might just be.” Ali winks, walking into the kitchen and handing Ashlyn the bottle of wine along with a wine key and two glasses. “You get that open and I’ll put the donuts on a plate.”

Ashlyn settles on the couch, putting the glasses of wine on the coffee table along with the rest of the bottle. Ali follows shortly, putting down some napkins and a sizeable tray with all the donuts on it.

“Breaking news, there’s been a development in this evening’s donut saga, folks.” Ashlyn amplifies her voice at seeing the way Ali cut every donut in half. “We’re hearing that Alexandra Krieger, known food hoarder, appears to be sharing all her donuts. You heard it here first!”

“Dork.” Ali laughs. “What can I say, you’re very persuasive. Which one is the best?”

“The strawberry frosted with the sprinkles for sure. That icing is out of this world and it slaps so hard with red wine.” Ashlyn points to it.

“Also the prettiest one.” Ali comments, taking a half and handing the other half to Ashlyn before taking a bite. “Oh god, that’s so good!”

“Told you. Now sip the wine.” Ashlyn instructs.

“Mmmm.” Ali goes in for another bite after swallowing the wine.

_God, that sound. _Ashlyn can practically feel the brunette’s little moan travel through her body and make her stomach flip.

“I’m now rethinking my favorite donut shop.” Ali finishes the last bite and looks over the tray again. “Which one next?”

“Oh, she’s eager!” Ashlyn says in amusement. “Try the s’mores one. That’s marshmallow crème inside.”

“Dear lord.” Ali picks it right up and takes a bite, shutting her eyes and letting out another little moan.

“That’s what I’m saying.” Ashlyn can’t help but snicker.

“I’m not sure any of these other donuts is gonna beat this one for me. Chocolate and marshmallows are everything.” Ali finishes it in just one more bite.

“Here, you can finish mine.” Ashlyn holds up the last bite of her own half, eyebrows shooting up into her hairline and her heart beating a mile a minute when Ali eats it right out of her hand and lightly sucks the tip of her thumb for a second_. Fuck._ _She’s gonna kill me tonight._

“Ok, I completely yield already. This is the new best donut shop, what’s it called?” Ali questions since there was no name on the box.

“Peter Pan Donuts & Pastry in Brooklyn. But given the sounds you’ve been making, I’m going to suggest they change it to Orgasm Donuts next time I’m there.” Ashlyn jibes her.

“You absolutely should. I need break before I get a stomach ache though.” Ali doesn’t bother defending herself, grabbing her glass of wine and cuddling into Ashlyn who wraps an arm around her shoulders.

As they sit in contented quiet for a little while, Ashlyn finds herself thinking about how just last week their two years apart seemed like an eternity, but now seems like no time at all in many ways. “What was your low point?” The question tumbles out of her mouth as her eyes catch the label on the wine bottle.

“Low point?” Ali isn’t sure exactly what she means.

“Yeah, when we were apart…what was your low point?” Ashlyn asks again.

“My first one came just weeks after our last session, the other big one was a couple months later. I blame Kyle for both.” Ali replies with a little giggle, drinking the last gulp of her wine and putting the empty glass down on the table next to Ashlyn’s. “He dragged us to a party on New Year’s Eve and then told some random woman that I had no one to kiss at midnight. So she walks over to me and asks to kiss me at midnight, which somehow I agreed to. Honestly, I felt lonely as hell and I couldn’t find a reason not to go for it. Anyway, she kisses me and it felt like nothing. Just nothing at all but the taste of beer. It simultaneously disappointed the hell out of me and made me feel relieved.”

“Relieved?” Ashlyn presses for more.

“Yeah, that I still didn’t like kissing people. Nobody kisses me like you do, nobody…not before you, not after you…you’re the only one that makes my world explode into a zillion colors in one simple kiss. And that god awful kiss that night just reminded me how real everything was between us even if we couldn’t be together.” Ali elaborates. “So, relieved.”

Ashlyn uses her hand to tilt Ali’s head up, kissing her gently to start and then deepening it. Ali’s tongue swipes at her lips and she grants her entrance, dueling each other as it grows more heated. She feels a moan vibrate from the back of her throat, the brunette matching it with a whimper of her own. “Baby…” She whispers softly as she slightly pulls away, but goes right in for another slower and more deliberate one.

“Every time.” Ali catches her breath, keeping her forehead pressed to Ashlyn’s and kissing the corner of her mouth a few times.

“Every fucking time.” Ashlyn repeats, pulling Ali close with her arm and smiling into her hair. “So, what was the other low point?” She gets them back to the conversation.

“My brother set me up on a blind date with one of his hair clients. Total disaster. She was attractive, but the rest...” Ali let’s out a low whistle. “Not only did she drone on about Japanese anime and admit to watching anime porn, but she also pretty much fetishized my sex surrogate practice all in the span of an hour.”

“Yikes.” Ashlyn cringes.

“Oh that’s not even the bad part.” Ali tells her.

“It’s not?” Ashlyn asks with renewed interest.

“Nope. I still slept with her. And worse yet, she had a full fucking set of nasty ass lingerie on. It was just… gross. Legit rock bottom. I was putting all this pressure on myself to date and move on with things, and all that got me was self-implosion with the laced-up anime oddball.” Ali shakes her head at herself. “I think poisoning myself so you wouldn’t see me and then the whole disaster dinner with Paige probably qualify as low points too, but in a different way.”

“Yep, I’m gonna call a one night stand with the anime oddball a low point. At least you confirmed you don’t like lingerie.” Ashlyn lightens things a bit.

“The silver lining.” Ali giggles, nuzzling herself further into the crook of the blonde’s neck. “Alright, what about you?”

“This wine was my first one if I don’t count that whole disappointment with snow on my balcony. Did you read the label?” Ashlyn motions to the bottle.

“I did. Thought you were trying to be all cute picking a wine with my name, but perhaps there’s more to it?” Ali inquires.

“Kinda. So, Ryan, Whitney’s boyfriend, makes this wine by growing grapes on the rooftops of the buildings in the Brooklyn Navy Yard.” Ashlyn informs her.

“No kidding?” Ali says in disbelief.

“No kidding.” Ashlyn affirms. “Blew my mind too. Anyway, he’s amazing at guessing people’s wine preferences by asking a few questions. So, Whitney had him doing a little wine tasting at the Christmas party we threw a few weeks after you and I had our last session. At that point, I had felt like maybe I was starting to feel a little better about things. Wrong! Ryan proceeds to do the blind wine tasting thing with me, tells me that he names the wines after great women in history, and then shows me what I ended up with…boom, there’s your name on it. I felt like the wind went out of me.”

“Aww, Ash.” Ali squeezes her.

“Just caught me so off guard and felt like I dropped into a sinkhole.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Then shortly after that I went for a one night stand with some woman from a bar just to see if I could have sex without any issues. Which it went fine, so then I did it quite a few more times with various women and fell into this bad pattern. That was definitely my low point. The sex wasn’t even great…it just…honestly, it was the only time I could get myself to stop thinking about you because I refused to have you on my mind when I was with someone else. Kind of like you said, it was my way of getting some relief for a couple hours. Ended up being this vicious cycle where I would pick someone up at a bar like once a week, go to their place because I refused to bring them to mine, leave as soon as we were done, and feel like total shit afterwards.”

“That’s heartbreaking.” Ali leaves a few kisses along her jaw, hating the hurt that it took both of them to get back here together, but knowing it had to be this way. “So, how did you dig out of that?”

“Whit and Pinoe finally called me on my shit and I realized I needed a major reset. I went on a vacation to Hawaii, surfed like hell and came back with a different attitude. I met Luz at a business event shortly after getting back and took things slow and in a much better direction.” Ashlyn divulges.

“You have amazing friends.” Ali smiles. “I went to Hawaii on my soul searching trip too. What part did you go to?”

“I know, I saw your pictures.” Ashlyn says softly before choosing to take this further. “Can I show you something?”

“Of course.” Ali nods and feels Ashlyn shift so she can sit up. She watches the blonde reach down and work to roll up her left pant leg, shimmying the fitted jeans up until her whole lower leg is revealed. “Oh, new ink!” She says excitedly, leaning over to have a closer look and feeling her own mouth fall open when she recognizes the cliffside waterfall. “Is that…”

“Our bench by the bridge and Waipio Valley Beach.” Ashlyn completes the sentence for her.

“It’s beautiful, but I’m not sure I understand.” Ali runs her fingertips over the waterfall on the tattoo.

“This is where I went in Hawaii to get my head right. I made the crazy hike down to that beach and sat there taking deep breaths by the ocean and thinking of you. It was the first time I realized that I didn’t have to forget you, but that I just needed to keep moving forward and trust in myself.” Ashlyn explains, watching the brunette’s fingers continue to absentmindedly trace the inked design. “A few months ago, when I saw that you ended up in the same exact place and found peace there like I did, I felt reconnected to you all over again. I got this tattoo just this past September 11th, the same day I saw your picture. It couldn’t have been clearer to me that day that you’d always be a part of my journey.”

Ali stays silent for a minute, heart thundering and speechless as she continues to take in the details on Ashlyn’s skin. The enormity of it all swirls in her head…that they’ve always been connected in some way, the date of this tattoo, that they’ve found themselves back here and more in love than ever, that she’s permanently a part of Ashlyn’s skin. She trails her hand up to the center of Ashlyn’s chest and holds it there to feel the heartbeat against her palm. “We’ve always been together somehow, haven’t we?” She states more than asks.

“Always.” Ashlyn confirms, covering the brunette’s hand with her own. “I don’t really believe in fate, but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…”

“Must be a duck.” Ali finishes with a wide smile, looking back down at the tattoo. “I couldn’t love anything more.”

“Me or the tattoo?” Ashlyn asks playfully.

“Both.” Ali presses the blonde back against the couch. “You’re a really fucking hot duck.” She adds with a smirk before leaning in for a kiss that goes from romantic to heated in mere seconds.

Hands wander along each other’s torsos, but it stays respectful, both content to just fall into rediscovering their mutual passion for each other and the comfort that comes along with it. The intense make-out goes on for quite a while before getting slower and slower, the two of them eventually just breathing with lips gently pressed. Both of them drawn to exchanging the same air with each other as if it cements the fact that they’re actually here together.

“I’ll never get enough of how that feels.” Ali muses out loud.

“I love you, Alex. And it’s positively crazy just how much.” Ashlyn gets lost in those whiskey eyes for the hundredth time today.

“Call me crazy then. Love you too, angel.” Ali leaves another lingering kiss on her lips before sitting up again. “More wine?”

“Sure, I’ll have a little more. Thanks.” Ashlyn nods and picks out another donut while the brunette pours the wine. “Here, try this one. French Toast.” She feeds her a bite.

“Mmm, also good.” Ali approves. “Pretty sure at this point that I’ll like all of them. What’s your least favorite?”

“The maple cream, but only because I’m not much of a maple person. A ton of people like it though.” Ashlyn replies.

They spend the next half hour snuggled up together, sipping wine and taking small bites of different donuts until Ali has tried them all. It’s only just past 9pm, but both of them are starting to yawn every so often, not surprising between the wine and how late they were up last night.

“I hate to say it, but I should get going soon.” Ashlyn frowns. “I’m still wiped out from yesterday and even though tomorrow is a Saturday, I have to work again in the morning. Unfortunately, launching an app makes things hectic for a while until we really get the ball rolling.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m pretty zonked myself.” Ali admits with her own frown. Everything inside her wants Ashlyn to stay, but she knows this is the right call tonight. “Any chance I can plan a date for us tomorrow?” She asks hopefully, not wanting to go any longer than she has to before seeing her again.

“Definitely.” Ashlyn gives her a dimpled grin, loving the balanced dynamic between them where Ali is working just as hard to sweep her off her feet as she is the brunette. “I should be home by 4pm, so any time after that and I can meet you anywhere.”

“I’ll pick you up at your place at 4:30pm then.” Ali leans in and pecks her lips.

“It’s a date, baby.” Ashlyn says sweetly. “Why don’t you go get ready for bed. I’ll clean up down here and call the car service from my building so I don’t have to walk in this mess. Then I can tuck you in before I go?” She suggests.

“I’d love that.” Ali beams happily at the offer, squeezing Ashlyn’s thigh softy before getting up and going upstairs.

Ashlyn works on clearing the glasses, putting them in Ali’s dishwater before putting the leftover donuts back in the box. There’s a little wine left, so she recorks the bottle and finds a spot for it in the refrigerator. She smiles to herself when she sees that Ali’s fridge is organized a lot like her own. Drinks on the top shelf, produce on the middle shelf separated by veggies and fruit, everything else on the bottom shelf and condiments on the inner door. _Soulmate even in fridge arrangement. How can you not believe in fate?_

Ashlyn takes the opportunity to walk around and look at the three framed photos in the living room that she hasn’t gotten the chance to look at yet. One is a group photo taken in what looks like Rockefeller Center where she recognizes Ali, Kyle, and Sydney. She assumes the guy near Sydney must be her husband, but she’s not sure who the other brunette and lighter brown-haired guy are. The photo on the other side of the room is one from when Ali was just a kid and it appears to be taken in a school. _Her smile never changes_. Again she recognizes Kyle pretty easily and it seems like maybe that same brunette and the guy from the other photo, but she can’t be sure given how young they are. There’s another two boys too and Ashlyn wonders for a second if one of them is Ali’s ex-husband since she said they grew up together. She moves on and her heart practically explodes at the third picture, the same reaction as when she saw it the first time. Ali holding Sydney’s baby while they sleep peacefully. _God, my heart._

“Isn’t he the cutest?” Ali says from behind Ashlyn, making her jump a bit.

“He’s adorable, literally perfect. Look at those little lips.” Ashlyn puts the picture down and turns to the brunette. _My hoodie. _Her lips curl into a huge smile as Ali stands there in her Stanford hoodie paired with some high-cut shorts. Her hair is pulled back into a messy bun, her makeup gone save for some fresh mascara. “You look positively amazing in my clothes, thief.”

“Harvard forever, but I might be coming around on the whole Stanford thing.” Ali smirks as Ashlyn walks over to her and kisses her sweetly, the blonde’s hands landing on her hips as she stands back a bit to look at her.

“I love this on you.” Ashlyn tells her again and finds her eyes. “You leaving your hoodie might have been the single thing that kept me together. I’ve worn yours a lot and it has spent considerable time in my pillowcase. I don’t know what else to say besides thank you. Guess I’m coming around on the whole Harvard thing myself even though it will always be Cardinal Red.” She lightly presses the hipbone under her left thumb where she knows Ali’s Harvard shield tattoo is.

“Crimson, babe. Crimson.” Ali plays back before getting serious. “While I’m happy to hear how much that meant to you, I have to be honest and say I kind of did it for myself. As much as I had to let go, when it came time that morning, I couldn’t let go completely. This hoodie has been my lifeline in more ways than you can imagine. This has been my peace for the last two years. And even though you’re never getting it back, I’m happy to have my real peace back.” She runs her hands up and down Ashlyn’s arms and leans in for a kiss.

“It’s yours, just like the rest of me. And fuck, you can have every piece of clothing I own if you’re gonna look like that in it.” Ashlyn says charmingly. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. My motivation to leave is running real low right now.”

“M’kay.” Ali nods, stealing one more kiss before they head upstairs.

“Do I have to do anything special to lock your door?” Ashlyn asks.

“Nope, it’ll lock automatically. Just have to pull it closed.” Ali replies, getting into her bed. “Promise to text me when you get home?”

“Promise.” Ashlyn agrees, pulling the covers up to the brunette’s shoulders and elaborately tucking her in before kneeling down beside the bed.

“Wish you could stay even though I know you leaving tonight is the right call.” Ali pouts a bit.

“I know.” Ashlyn nods knowingly. “But the next time the word ‘stay’ leaves your mouth, you can count on me never leaving you alone in bed again. So, enjoy your leg space while you have it.”

“I’m holding you to that.” Ali assures her.

“Today was incredible. I love you so much.” Ashlyn says lovingly.

“Best first date ever. I love you too, Ash.” Ali smiles and pulls her down for a long kiss.

“But was it the _last_ first date?” Ashlyn asks as they pull away, looking at her mirthfully.

“Please, if that wasn’t my last first date, I fucking give up on love.” Ali says with finality.

“Exact same, baby.” Ashlyn grins. “Sweet dreams, beautiful. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She kisses her lips again before leaving a few more on her face and feeling Ali’s little laugh fill her chest.

“Sleep well, my love.” Ali puts emphasis on the last two words and watches Ashlyn's face light up.

_My love. You got that right, I’m so totally yours. _Ashlyn just kisses her deeply one more time and re-tucks her in before giving her a little wave as she turns off the light and shuts the bedroom door on her way out.

Ali puts her phone on the pillow so she that she’ll hear Ashlyn’s text when she gets home, her eyes closing with a full heart and a Carmex tingling smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was one very long New Year's Day!  
Favorite part of their first date?  
What do you think Ali will plan for a second date?
> 
> For the record, I've changed the names, but these benches actually exist in Central Park NYC and they're wonderful :-)


	48. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Trigger Warning for September 11th material*****
> 
> Thanks for being patient, some chapters really take me a while to get the details right...especially in this chapter. This one is a bit of a roller coaster because Ali was absolutely not playing around on this date, but I think you'll be plenty content seeing as how this one is definitely not safe to read at work or in public ;-)
> 
> As always, leave me some love in the comments and feel free to vent over Orlando Pride heartbreak cause damn it has been quite a week already. On that note, stay safe and always wear a mask :-)

Stay

**January 2, 2021**

“Well, well, look who’s here already. Gotta admit I was hoping you’d be rolling in very late this morning.” Kameryn stops in the doorway of Ashlyn’s office. “Please tell me everything went ok.” She adds in slight concern.

“Good morning to you too.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “Relax, the date was perfect. Really, really perfect.”

“Why the hell are you here so early then and not still in bed with that sexy woman of yours?” Kameryn eyeballs her.

“Oh, well we didn’t get to that point.” Ashlyn says simply.

“Geez, you weren’t kidding about the whole easing into it thing. I admire your restraint, cause I would have absolutely none in your position.” Kameryn replies with a smirk.

“Yeah, well I didn’t say it was easy.” Ashlyn chuckles. “We were both committed to taking our first real date somewhat slow and really giving ourselves time to reconnect. I mean, it has been over two years.”

“Somewhat slow?” Kameryn hones in on that with a raised eyebrow.

“Busted.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “We dropped the I love yous like a couple hours into the date.”

“Ah, that’s amazing! Fuck yes!” Kameryn walks over and high-fives her. “You two are so damn cute together. Just stunning. Kell and I couldn’t get over it after the party. Talk about watching two people look at each other and easily seeing how completely in love they are. Kinda feels like a huge ass victory for all of us with having seen you go through this whole thing. We’re happy for you.”

“Thanks, Kam. I love her in insane ways and I’m not even sure it has fully hit me yet that we’re together.” Ashlyn replies contently. “I’m actually here early because she’s taking me out on a date later and I want to make sure I’m out of here on time.”

“Back-to back dates. Well then, maybe not easing into it after all.” Kameryn waggles her eyebrows.

“I guess ‘easing’ isn’t the right word, maybe going with the flow is better.” Ashlyn shrugs with a smile.

“Sure, if the flow is a raging river of love.” Kameryn laughs.

“Anyway, why are you here so damn early and not sleeping in with that freckled firecracker you call your wife?” Ashlyn ignores her teasing.

“I’m just pushing to accomplish the rest of my work that is better done in person. Kell and I head back to DC early Thursday morning. So, that’s like 3 more work days left seeing as I have no plans to haul my ass in here on a Sunday.” Kameryn reminds her.

“Damn, forgot that was happening already. We’ve gotten totally spoiled having you here, but I’m sure you’re dying to get home.” Ashlyn laments.

“Launching this app has been a total life high point and I’ve loved being here. But yeah, after what’ll be like three weeks in NYC, we’re missing home and itching to get back.” Kameryn admits.

“Totally get it.” Ashlyn nods. “We’re absolutely doing our usual pub night on Wednesday, so prepare yourself for a hungover flight Thursday morning.”

“God, I better make sure we’re all packed by Wednesday morning then.” Kameryn giggles. “Oh, bring Ali! We don’t want to miss out on getting to hang out with her, but also, I totally owe that poor woman a drink after making her think you and I were a thing.” She playfully cringes.

“You owe her like five drinks.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “I was about ready to kill you for that. You are one lucky bitch that it didn’t backfire.”

“Please, I knew exactly what I was doing.” Kameryn smirks mischievously.

“I don’t even want to know.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I’ll see if Ali is up for it.”

“You better.” Kameryn points a finger at her. “Alright, you’re high on my list of people that I need to finish up some work with. Want to meet in the conference room in 10 minutes and get some stuff done before everyone else gets here?”

“Sure.” Ashlyn nods.

“Well, first you can tell me about this perfect date and then we’ll get some stuff done.” Kameryn corrects herself.

“Oh hell no. You’re gonna wait until everyone else is here so I only have to say it once.” Ashlyn shuts her down.

“You suck, Harris.” Kameryn pouts.

“I’ll grab you a coffee while you get settled.” Ashlyn offers.

“Ok fine, I suppose I still love you.” Kameryn jokingly huffs.

“Like it was ever in question.” Ashlyn plays back cockily, laughing when Kameryn flips her off with a smile before leaving her office.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“Hello, Ms. Krieger. Nice to see you again. I’ll call up to see if Ms. Harris is ready for you, I assume she knows you’re coming.” Phil the security guard greets Ali politely, already looking down the visitor list. “Yep, she has you on her visitor list.”

“I am beyond impressed that you remember me.” Ali can’t hide her surprise that this guy even recognizes her after two years, let alone remembers her name.

“Believe it or not, I remember just about everyone that has been here at least a few times. Besides, between me and you, most people don’t bother to smile at me. I make it a point to remember the ones that do.” He tells her honestly. “Let me just call up.” He picks up the phone from his desk.

Ali steps back from the desk a bit to give him space, listening to him have a very brief conversation where he says ‘yes ma’am’ a couple times before he hangs up and motions for her to come closer.

“Ms. Harris has requested that I give you her private code set. That allows you to come and go without stopping in here at the security desk and without her buzzing you in.” Phil smiles at her knowingly. “In order to do that, I’ll need you to download this security app.” He slides a small info card in her direction with the name of the app. “I’ll also need to scan your license or another form of ID.”

“Ok, I can do that.” Ali puts down the grocery bag she is carrying and finds her license before pulling out her phone. She takes a couple minutes to get the app downloaded and then alerts him that she’s done.

“Great. Now open it and create a username. It’s then going to ask you to use your phone’s fingerprint scan as the password with a backup pin number you choose. Once you’ve done that, you can tell me your username.” Phil instructs.

Ali follows the directions and tells him the username she picked. She watches him type on his computer for a minute and then feels her phone buzz, a confirmation notification flashing on the screen.

“All set. The code changes every Friday at midnight and gets updated on the app. So, make sure you check it for the right code. There’s a friends and family code listed there too that stays the same unless Ashlyn changes it. That code allows people to bypass the security desk, but they still have to get buzzed in. Buzzing people in can be done from the penthouse itself or via the app even when you’re not here. I think that about covers it.” Phil explains.

“Wow, ok.” Ali smiles, trying to take it all in while simultaneously realizing that Ashlyn just totally gave her the key to her place.

“Fancy huh?” Phil smiles back at her. “You can use the code now to head on up. Have a great evening.”

“You too, Phil. Thank you.” Ali replies kindly, picking her bag up off the floor and making her way over to the elevator. _Holy shit. That was... _She can’t even wrap her head around how major a step just happened right before her eyes, but she immediately checks her purse and sighs in relief that her own extra house key is in there. As she steps into the elevator, she feels the same wonderful rush of anticipation that she used to get and it brings an instant smile to her face.

\---

Ashlyn’s heart leaps as soon as the elevator dings, a huge dimpled grin on her face before the door even slides open and reveals Ali with her own beaming smile. _God, I missed you walking off that elevator. _“Hi, beautiful.” She’s already so close to the elevator that she barely has to walk two steps to get to her. “So, so beautiful.” She leans right in for a long kiss.

“Hi, love.” Ali captures her lips softly again before stepping back to look at her. “I missed this place…and you of course.” She briefly looks around and sees everything looks pretty much exactly the same.

“Oh sure, I see how it is. The penthouse and then me.” Ashlyn teases her. “Missed you too. Sorry, got excited to see you, let me take that.” She quickly reaches to take the grocery bag in the brunette’s hands and uses her free hand to help Ali take off her coat. “What is all this?” She asks when she feels that it’s pretty heavy.

“Groceries for dinner. I’m cooking for you tonight.” Ali informs her as she hangs up her coat.

“Oh really now?” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow, walking over to the kitchen to put the bag on top of the counter with Ali following closely behind her. “This feels heavier than Walking Frito Pie.” She adds as she jiggles the bag, remembering the last time the brunette brought her dinner it consisted of corn chips and store bought chili.

“Yes, really. I’ve learned a few good recipes. Gonna have to just hand your kitchen over for an hour, no questions asked.” Ali taps the tip of the blonde’s nose.

“I’ll hand over anything you want.” Ashlyn flirts.

“Speaking of which.” Ali digs into her purse and then grabs her hand, placing her extra house key into Ashlyn’s palm. “My home is your home.”

“Pretty sure I technically said that first.” Ashlyn smiles widely.

“You did, and I love you like you don’t even know.” Ali kisses her more deeply this time, letting out a little whimper when their tongues probe each other softly. “Our homes.”

“Our homes.” Ashlyn whispers back in confirmation. “I love you too, Al.” She trails a few kisses along Ali’s jaw.

“You look so good, and you smell even better.” Ali compliments her, impressed by her incredibly stylish outfit of a white collared shirt under a gray cardigan, paired with what she can only describe as fitted, navy designer sweatpants and black boots. She’s not sure anyone else could possibly pull off this look, but Ashlyn somehow looks fit for a fashion show.

“Well tight black jeans were absolutely invented just for you.” Ashlyn smirks and drags her hand up the brunette’s strong thigh, looking over her soft gray sweater and the way her hair is in a simple ponytail. She looks casual, but perfectly put together. “I’ve decided I love you in every single possible look.”

“Just wait until I inevitably catch a cold and you see me in sweaty pjs while I sit in a pile of snotty tissues. Now that is a look.” Ali counters.

“I’ll still think you’re beautiful. And then I’ll offer-but-more-like-demand to wash those pjs for you.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Smooth, Stanford. Help me put these groceries in the fridge so we can head out.” Ali directs.

“Sure thing.” Ashlyn helps pull items out the bag, handing a few to Ali to put in the fridge. “Hmmm. Stuffed peppers? Or maybe like veggie fajitas? Am I close?” She tries to guess based on the ingredients.

“Ugh, you’re too good. Stuffed peppers.” Ali nudges her. “And cucumber tomato salad.”

“That sounds amazing. Can’t wait.” Ashlyn approves.

“I figured after all those donuts last night, I should probably keep things lighter.” Ali explains.

“Yeah another night like that and I’ll have no abs left.” Ashlyn jokes.

“Can’t have that.” Ali playfully pokes Ashlyn’s belly.

“So, where are we going? Am I dressed ok?” Ashlyn inquires.

“You’re good, there’s no dress code for this.” Ali replies, knowing she really needs to take a couple minutes to prepare her. “Come sit for a sec.” She motions to the couch.

“Everything ok?” Ashlyn questions in concern as she sits down.

“Totally fine.” Ali reassures her. “I thought a lot about our date today and I kept coming back to the date you took us on yesterday. You showed me the part of this city that was most meaningful to you. Not only it was so intimate, but I also got to understand this deep part of you that I didn’t know yet. It meant a lot to me.”

“Meant a lot to me too. I felt like I got to learn new things about you through seeing you interact with something really important to me.” Ashlyn squeezes Ali’s hand.

“Nailed it. I want you to be able to see better me through something really important to me and to get to learn you better in the process.” Ali nods, loving the way Ashlyn knows exactly what she means. “The thing is, the most meaningful place to me here is…incredibly intense. At least for me it is. But I really want to do it with you even though it couldn’t be farther from a romantic date. Probably qualifies as an awful date really.”

“Ok, I’m with you.” Ashlyn agrees simply and kisses her hand, aware of what she’s signing up for.

“Do you understand where we’re going?” Ali wants to be sure she is fully prepared.

“9/11 Memorial?” Ashlyn states more than asks.

“Close. 9/11 Repository.” Ali corrects softly. “I’ve never been down there with anyone but my Mother and Kyle. Not even my ex-husband ever came with me because I asked him not to. 9/11 occupies a big space in my life, one that I’m always trying to shrink. It’s a space that’s very personal to me and I’ve worked hard to keep people out of it, mostly out of the fear that they can’t understand. What’s taken me a long time to realize though, and was honestly prompted by you…is that even if someone can’t understand what I’ve gone through, it doesn’t mean they can’t understand me.” She pauses find Ashlyn’s eyes before getting out the rest. “The truth is that you understand me more than anyone, and I don’t want to be so alone in that big space anymore. I don’t want to keep doing things halfway. When I say I want you in my life, I mean all the way in. So, this is me inviting you in.”

Ashlyn takes a second to let everything Ali said sink in, feeling both warm inside and a little anxious about what she’s headed for today. “I’m with you.” She repeats again and holds the brunette’s hand tight.

“You sure? We can do this another day.” Ali checks one more time and gives her an out.

“I’m completely sure. Let’s go.” Ashlyn says determined, standing up and helping Ali up with her. It doesn’t take them long to get their coats on, setting out on the short walk and staying close but quiet.

\---

As they walk the last block to the memorial site, Ashlyn can feel Ali’s hand shaking in her own. She holds it tighter and leans a bit so they’re walking closer together, seeing the brunette give her a slight smile. By the time they reach the reflecting pools, she questions whether it’s Ali’s hand shaking or hers. With the museum entrance in view it strikes her just how unprepared she is.

“You ok still?” Ali stops at feeling Ashlyn’s grip on her hand go a bit loose.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods, but knows that isn’t the right answer. “Well, no. Sorry. Yes, I’m still ok to do this with you, but no I’m not ok.” She does her best to clarify. “I’ve just never been in there before.” She motions to the glass-paneled museum entrance which glows pretty brightly amidst the already dark evening sky. “I guess I don’t know at all what to expect or if there’s like some kind of protocol I should know about. I certainly don’t want you to have to hold me up in there and I don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt you because I’m horribly naïve to what is in there and way unprepared. I’m uh…really nervous.”

“Ash, it’s ok to be nervous. And unprepared. And overwhelmed. All of it.” Ali moves her hand to Ashlyn’s cheek and can visibly see her shoulders relax a bit. “There’s no protocol. Whatever you feel, think, say or do in there is completely ok. Just be you. I trust you. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t.” She kisses her cheek reassuringly.

“I’m ready, promise.” Ashlyn lets out a deep breath, feeling a little better now.

“Please, I’ve been coming to this museum for like 10 years now and I’m still not ready.” Ali nudges her knowingly.

“Ready as I’m gonna get then.” Ashlyn amends, giving the brunette a soft smile and getting one back in return.

“Here we go.” Ali holds on tightly to Ashlyn’s hand and leads them the few steps to the door before pulling it open. “It should be quiet in here because it already closed to the public at 5pm, but is open for families until 9pm. I just have to go over to the desk there and show the credentials I have. They’ll want your ID too.” She explains the process as they walk up to a large security desk with several metal detectors just behind it almost like an airport.

“Hi. Ali Krieger, visiting family member. And this is my guest, Ashlyn Harris.” Ali identifies them to the guard, handing over her credential card and her license along with Ashlyn’s.

“Good evening, Ms. Krieger.” The guard greets her politely and scans both the IDs and the credential card. “Will you be visiting the Reflection Room today?”

“Yes.” Ali nods.

“I’ll make sure they know you’re coming, but of course take your time. At the moment, you’re the only ones here.” He tells her and hands back their IDs along with two stickers that have their names and a barcode on them. “Just make sure to put those stickers in a visible location. We’ll take your coats to hang right on the rack here, and you’ll walk through this first scanner while we check your bag as usual.”

“Thank you.” Ali replies, handing Ashlyn back her ID and her sticker to put on. The two of them hand the guard their coats before putting their phones into a plastic bowl and walking through the metal detector while another security guard quickly x-rays and checks Ali’s purse.

“All set. Let me know if you need anything during your visit.” The second security guard says kindly as he hands their belongings back.

“Thanks.” Ali says again, taking Ashlyn’s hand leading her inside.

Ashlyn keeps a strong grip on the Ali’s hand, looking up at two steel support tridents once belonging to the towers that nearly reach the glass ceiling above them. Ali soon walks them into a sizeable room where the walls are covered in photos of the victims, the words ‘In Memoriam’ in steel letters near the entrance. Various voices read victims’ names in no discernable order and Ashlyn scans the walls intently.

“Over here.” Ali tugs her slightly, knowing exactly what the blonde is looking for and hoping to get out of this room before she hears her father’s name called. She’s only heard it twice in all her visits here and she doesn’t care to hear it third. “He’s there.” She points out his picture.

Ashlyn sees the same photo she once saw on the 9/11 Memorial website when she was trying to find Ken’s name on the outdoor memorial plaques. It strikes her how much more serious he looks in this photo compared to the family one she saw in Ali’s condo yesterday. “Kyle looks so much like him.” She says softly.

“He really does.” Ali smiles and prompts them to move along. “Let’s keep going.”

An escalator that descends right next to an old crumbly concrete staircase leads them down into a dimly lit corridor lined with large photos and word blurbs that document the history of events on September 11th. It begins with several pictures of the towers standing in their former glory and gets gloomier as they get further along as if to warn of the grim reality that lies ahead. There are 9/11 news broadcasts playing on TV screens, profiles of the hijackers, video of the president’s reaction, planes hitting the towers with vivid explosions even as a robotic voice reads snippets of people’s accounts from that day. It’s simultaneously horrifying and disorienting.

Ashlyn bites the inside of her lip hard and tries to stay composed. She doesn’t know why she expected something different than an average museum, but it’s far too similar for her liking. The fact that it looks like the entrance to some Disney attraction with raw destruction added in for dramatic effect makes her feel sick.

Ali rubs little circles on the top of Ashlyn’s hand at feeling how tense she is as they make their way down the ramp along the foundation of the former towers, twisted metal girders and concrete rubble surrounding the way. She pulls the blonde a little faster past the corner exhibit where she knows there’s a large picture of people jumping off the towers, turning her head away like always because it’s the thing in here that still triggers her most.

Ashlyn pauses as they reach the end of the ramp, looking over an impossibly mangled ladder firetruck. She feels anger bubbling up inside at the way it’s corded off and presented under a spotlight like this is some luxury car showroom. She moves her feet as Ali leads her along again into a much larger and brighter lit space where a single column stands tall, the walls still the same rough concrete with bits of rusted and twisted metal scattered throughout.

“This is the foundation and the last standing column of the North Tower.” Ali explains matter-of-factly and walks them in a quick loop around mostly empty space before going past the firetruck again and over to the huge concrete memorial wall. “The repository is behind this wall.” She holds Ashlyn’s hand firmly in both of her own and brings them to a stop at the rope barrier which keeps them an arm’s length away from it.

Ashlyn takes in the sprawling wall in front of her all covered with these large squares of what looks like thick paper painted in various hues of blue, the smooth concrete behind it visible in the little spaces between the squares. Sizable steel letters spell out a short quote in the center.

_No day shall erase you from the memory of time. –Virgil_

Ashlyn recognizes it immediately and she seethes inside, her free hand clenched so tight that her short fingernails dig onto her palm painfully. _No. They didn’t research it. Of course they fucking didn’t! This place is just a fucking horror show displaying every bit of gore to elicit an instinctual gut check worthy of the fucking ticket price. Vulgarity with the noblest intentions, fucking bullshit._

Ali runs one of her hands up and down Ashlyn’s arm in an effort remind her that she’s not alone in this place. She doesn’t know exactly what’s going on with her, but her body is extremely locked up, her jaw set and clenched, her eyes staring at wall like she’s trying to bore a hole in it, her breathing heavy enough to be heard. “Sit with me a minute.” She says quietly. Ashlyn’s eyes turn find her own looking both stormy and incensed. It’s mere seconds before the gaze softens and Ashlyn lightly squeezes her hand, the two of them sitting down on the cold floor together.

Ashlyn steals a side glance at Ali, finding the brunette with closed eyes. She follows suit, closing her eyes and trying to quell her outrage_. Remember what you’re here for. Nothing matters but the other side of this stupid wall. _She takes slow breaths and brings up the mental image of the family picture she saw in Ali’s bedroom yesterday, trying to keep her focus on what matters. It seems like only a few minutes before the brunette is tugging her up again.

“Last part before we go to Reflection Room, and probably the worst too.” Ali tries to prepare her as they walk towards the Historical Exhibit. Although she has been in it a couple times with Kyle, she usually avoids it. It’s a chaotic assault of every piece of the aftermath that could be salvaged for show, all piled into this big exhibit room like some disturbing collage.

_For fuck’s sake. _Ashlyn bites her tongue hard in an effort not to snort as they walk by a door labeled “Reflecting on 9/11 and Recording Studio” where a small plaque explains that anyone can go in and record their experience of that day. Although she can understand the historical value, it again feels too much like a theme park attraction.

It takes only a few steps into the exhibit hall for Ashlyn to understand why Ali called it the worst. _Haunting._ There is no other word for what surrounds her in every direction. Tattered flags, melted and distorted office supplies, handwritten pleas for help, missing person flyers, 911 calls and screams played on a loop, destroyed personal belongings displayed like art, a soot covered bike rack, the President addressing the nation on a big TV screen, a single dusty Sperry topsider shoe encased in glass for all to wonder about its owner. It dawns on her how this place is one giant maze of doom and she can’t begin to imagine coming here with spectacle-seeking tourists and zoned-out school kids all around. As awful as this exhibit is, it doesn’t hit her as hard as some of the less graphic stuff she saw earlier on. By this point she’s become almost desensitized and she vehemently hates it.

Ali watches Ashlyn carefully as they make their way through, unable to read the expression on her face that looks almost resigned in strange way. She walks at a good pace, glad the blonde keeps right up with her and makes it clear she doesn’t want to linger either. “Reflection Room is back up on the main level.” She says simply as they exit the exhibit area, leading them passed the concrete repository wall again and up a nearby staircase that takes them back to the atrium.

Ashlyn squints at brightness of the main floor after being down in the dimmed lower levels, imaging how blinding it must be in the daytime when the sun is shining through the surrounding glass walls. Her stomach twists in fury again as they walk by a café and a gift shop, using every ounce of control she has to keep herself from going in there and smashing everything in sight. _How do you do this, Alex? How?_

Ali takes them right over to the familiar unmarked white door, pressing the little doorbell and waiting until someone opens it.

“Ms. Krieger?” A fairly tall, middle-aged woman states more than asks, looking down at the clipboard in her hand. A nametag that says “Pam” with “NYC Office of Chief Medical Examiner” underneath it pinned on the pocket of her simple white collared shirt.

“Yes.” Ali nods in confirmation.

“Welcome, please come on in.” Pam says politely and lets them into the tiny room with nothing more than a desk for her to sit at. “I just need to scan your barcodes.” She pulls out a small device and scans each of the stickers they have on before writing something on the clipboard. “Thank you. Right this way.” She motions for them to follow her around a corner and down an increasingly dark hallway. She stops halfway down the hall and turns to look at them. “Around to the left. Please remember that personal items can only be affixed to the designated bulletin space or left on the table. Any photographs taken are for personal use only and prohibited from being shared publicly.” She reminds them. “Let me know if there’s anything you need and please stay as long as you’d like, I’ll make sure we don’t lock up without you.” She says kindly and then respectfully leaves them to walk the rest of the way.

When Ali had said Reflection Room, Ashlyn had pictured an inviting place of remembrance, the visual in her head something akin to a small chapel of sorts with a mausoleum looking wall. This is absolutely not that. The darkened hallway leads into medium-sized room that is only lit by tiny ambient lights close to the floor. It’s empty save for two long wooden benches and a table against one of the walls, each surface with a box of tissues on it. Above the table is a large cork bulletin board, a few pictures and prayer cards tacked to it. The most prominent thing is the room is a roughly 4-foot by 5-foot glass window on the wall in front of the benches, the soft glow coming from it the only other source of light. Ali keeps their hands entwined and sits on the bench closest to the window, looking straight ahead with an intensely penetrating stare.

_This is it? You can’t be serious. _Ashlyn stares through the glass window in disbelief from her spot beside Ali. It’s just a big concrete room filled with aisles of teak wood cabinets from floor-to-ceiling, each illuminated by overhead spotlights and again looking like a showroom. This is meant to be a sanctuary, but all she can focus on is the contents of all those ugly wooden cabinets and the cruelty of the universe in that they have remained unidentified; so desiccated that 20 years of the most rigorous DNA testing available has failed. She feels the rage building up inside again, this time with a deeply painful hurt that this is all Ali has…a theatrically lit warehouse behind a pane of glass. She turns away from the window and studies the brunette’s face which has notably changed from when they sat down. Her eyes are closed, her face now serene and relaxed. It’s only the reminder she needs to close her own eyes and look past the surface of what is here to seek something deeper.

Ali opens her eyes after a long while, looking over to see that Ashlyn’s eyes are closed, tear streaks shining on her cheeks in the soft glow from the window. She lifts the blonde’s hand to her mouth, kissing each knuckle gently and watching her eyes open. When Ashlyn’s eyes lock onto her own, she stops breathing for a second, completely captivated by the anguish reflected along with the most loving look she has ever seen housed in that gorgeous hazel. She wants to say something comforting, but she’s speechless.

“I love you.” Ashlyn’s voice comes out in a raspy whisper that seems to match the look on her face.

“I love you too.” Ali replies quietly, using her thumb to wipe the remaining trails of tears on the blonde’s cheeks. “Come on, let’s go.” She re-laces their fingers together and stands up.

Ashlyn nods, reaching to grab a tissue and lightly dabbing at her eyes before taking one last look through the glass. Pam warmly wishes them goodnight as they walk by and they stop to grab their coats from security before heading out.

“You ok?” Ali stops to ask once they’re past the reflecting pools outside.

“I don’t even know.” Ashlyn confesses. “Are you?”

“I am, but I’ve also done this a lot.” Ali smiles at her softy. “Take some time to process. My plan is to get dinner ready and then we can talk while it’s in the oven. After that, we’re gonna let it all go…enjoy our dinner and the rest of our night, ok? This isn’t supposed to be a soul crushing second date, I swear.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn agrees with a tight smile, leaning in to kiss her forehead before they start their silent walk back.

\---

“Can I help?” Ashlyn asks as Ali starts pulling things out of the fridge.

“Sure.” Ali smiles at her. “You can help cut up the tomatoes and cucumbers for the salad. You can set the table too. After that you can go look pretty on the couch and be my muse because_ I’m_ cooking for _you_ tonight. Plus, if you hover over me I’ll probably burn something…and then you’ll have majorly failed a beta test and have a huge bug to work out.” She adds with a wink.

“Got it.” Ashlyn gives her a thumbs up and gets to work on her tasks.

They work around each other comfortably, exchanging little glances and smiles. The simple domesticity doing a lot to settle them both into a better headspace.

“Red or white?” Ashlyn asks holding up wine bottles of each. “Or maybe beer?”

“White I think. Maybe something on the dryer side.” Ali answers after considering it for a second.

“I have a great Riesling then.” Ashlyn grabs the right bottle from the wine fridge and works to get it open. She pours two glasses, handing Ali hers while wrapping an arm around her waist from behind. “Here, baby.”

“Thanks.” Ali turns her head and kisses her.

Ashlyn goes in for another quick kiss before leaving a few more gentle ones near the brunette’s ear. “Does this count as hovering?” She rests her chin on Ali’s shoulder and watches her spoon a rice and cheese mixture into the hollowed-out bell peppers.

“I’ll probably burn something even faster if you keep that up.” Ali giggles and leans her head back a bit. “I’ll have these in the oven in like five more minutes, go sit.”

“Fine.” Ashlyn playfully groans, leaving one more kiss on Ali’s cheek before grabbing her own glass of wine and going over to the couch.

Ali gets the food into the oven and sets a timer on her phone before grabbing her wine glass and finding Ashlyn propped up against the corner of the couch with her legs stretched out on it. “Stay just like that.” She says when she sees her about to move to make room. She puts her glass on the coffee table and sits down right in Ashlyn’s lap, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and resting her forehead against her cheek. “This ok?”

“Perfect.” Ashlyn kisses her nose, left her arm sneaking between the back of the couch and Ali’s waist to hold her close.

“You’re comfy.” Ali smiles. “So, dinner will be done in like 40 minutes. We’ll talk until the timer goes off, but after that we’re gonna let it go for the night. Sound ok?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn agrees, but then stays quiet, unsure of where exactly to start.

“So, I have a couple things I wanted to know and I figure you can just ask me anything you want along the way.” Ali gets the conversation going since this whole thing was her idea.

“Alright, ask away.” Ashlyn nods.

“Ok, but first…” Ali reaches to hold the blonde’s face, stroking her cheek softly with her thumb. “You can really tell me anything. Please don’t hold back. I need to hear what you’re really thinking, good or bad.”

“Promise.” Ashlyn leans into the touch on her face and lets out a breath.

“Thoughts on the whole thing?” Ali starts there.

“I hated it, Al. I really fucking hated it.” Ashlyn replies in earnest. “It’s was heartbreaking and I expected that, but more than that…I…I’m angry. I’m so fucking mad and just completely infuriated. I honestly don’t know the last time something made me this level of angry. There were points where I could barely control myself in there.”

“I could tell.” Ali admits. “Tell me why.”

“Somebody turned the worst day of your life into a tourist attraction. Your unimaginable pain and loss has a fucking gift shop!” Ashlyn’s voice raises in disgust. “God I can just see the fucking squad of curators sweating themselves to keep it respectful and not tacky while still trying to squeeze in every fucking ghastly moment they could to get a visceral reaction worth paying for. The rage I feel is…” She trails off with no words to describe it. “I’ve never hated something so much. And I don’t know how you do it. I just don’t know how you handle that… because I clearly can’t and I’m a million miles away from it compared to you. How do you do it?”

“Pretty much the same way you did.” Ali runs her hand soothingly through blonde hair and watches Ashlyn look at her inquisitively. “I’ll explain more in a minute, but I wanted to ask you something else first.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn nods and lets out another long breath, still shaken by the way her anger unexpectedly outweighs her sadness by far.

“What happened at the repository wall? I could see you were upset before that, but then we got there you looked unhinged…nothing like yourself.” Ali tries to describe it.

“Everything kind of exploded inside me there.” Ashlyn replies flatly.

“Why?” Ali implores her softly, trying to find her eyes but Ashlyn just looks up at the ceiling.

_She doesn’t know._ Ashlyn feels ill, not wanting to be the one to tell her and wondering if it even matters. _It matters, you know it matters._

“Ash, you can tell me.” Ali encourages her, moving to hold the woman’s face in both her hands so she’ll look at her.

Ashlyn lets herself get lost in those warm whiskey eyes, powerless to deny them anything. “The quote. No day shall erase you from the memory of time.” Her voice shakes as she repeats it.

“What about it?” Ali presses her.

“It’s from Virgil’s _Aeneid _and it’s completely taken out of context.” Ashlyn tries to explain it calmly even though it’s still making her blood boil. “In the original poem ‘you’ refers to Nisus and Euryalus, two Trojans who slaughtered an enemy army in a bloodbath as they slept. She sighs deeply and lets the rest tumble out. “Put into context, the quote would actually sympathize with the hijackers and not the victims.”

“Oh.” Ali whispers, completely understanding Ashlyn’s reaction now.

“I’m sorry.” Ashlyn runs her hand along Ali’s side soothingly, but the hurt look on the brunette’s face sets off her fury again. “Just, what the fuck?! Did they just look up ‘meaningful Latin quotes’ and not bother to do the research?! And for something so deeply important like this, who the fuck would do that?!” She screams it out. “And even worse, what if they did it on purpose as like some fucking irony that would force you to think of both the perpetrators and the victims simultaneously?! Either way, they knew what would be behind that wall and they didn’t care! I just…I want to rip every one of those fucking letters off with my bare hands!”

“Ash…babe…” Ali hugs her really close, never seeing her this kind of upset before, but feeling so incredibly in touch with it. Truth be told, she’s never thought to research or look up the quote either. “It’s ok. Hey, look at me...” She leans back a bit and holds her face again. “It’s ok.”

“It’s not fucking ok, Alex. I’m sorry, but none of it is ok.” Ashlyn retorts.

“You’re right. It’s not ok.” Ali concedes. “But I’ve learned over the years that it has its purpose, and the fucked up quote is just going to get added to that list.”

“I don’t understand.” Ashlyn softens.

“I know, but I think I can explain it to you.” Ali kisses her forehead. “What I’m most grateful for today is that even though my experience and perspective will always be different than yours, you were able to feel me and meet me at a place of understanding. And that place is anger. It may seem crazy, but what means the most to me is that you’re fuming. Thank you for being angry.”

“Well you handle your anger a lot better than I do.” Ashlyn scoffs at herself.

“Only because I’ve been in there a lot and I’ve learned its purpose. The anger is a good thing.” Ali goes back to playing with Ashlyn’s hair.

“I guess that’s the part I don’t get. Why do you want to feel angry? Why do you keep going there? Your Dad is there, I know. Just, I can’t reconcile the aspect of remembrance in the midst of being so pissed off. Is it that you just have no choice really? Or are you actually able to take something positive from it, and how? Because I’m baffled by how that’s possible.”

_The questions you ask, your heart, your genuine care…everyone should be just like you, but they’re not. At least I found you. _“At first, it was exactly that I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I felt like that dramatically lit IKEA looking warehouse through a display window was all I had left.” Ali confirms.

“Thank god you said that. I would never use those words out of respect, but that repository was…” Ashlyn knows better than to finish the statement.

“Awful. Horrendous. Insert any adjective for bad.” Ali nods knowingly. “I know. Not what you expected, huh?”

“Not at all.” Ashlyn shakes her head slightly.

“Me either. I’ve just gotten used to it.” Ali tells her plainly. “Back to the anger thing. The truth is that my memories of my Dad are tarnished in a way because it’s incredibly hard for me to think of him without my mind going to 9/11. Almost every good feeling I have about him eventually turns to anger for how he died. That’s the worst thing I deal with and something I have to work on constantly. Remember how I once told you that chasing ghosts was my peace?”

“I remember.” Ashlyn will never forget a single word of what she heard that day.

“Going to the repository is how I do that. Just entering that museum enrages me, but it also gives me a place to direct my anger. By the time I get into the Reflection Room, my anger is so spent on everything else that all I have energy left for is the peace of being as close to my Dad as I can get. Looking through that stupid window is always the final breaking point, and then I close my eyes and it’s just peace. And sometimes I’m not alone in there, so being around other families that feel like I do is a kind of comfort too.” Ali tells her openly. “Do you ever have a hard time remembering what your grandmother was like?”

“All the time.” Ashlyn commiserates completely. “I forget what her voice sounded like or how she smelled. Even what she looked like in person seems foggy and distant.”

“Same for me.” Ali kisses Ashlyn’s temple a couple times. “I’ve learned to love the anger and hurt I feel for that very reason. Because it’s a reminder not only that he lived, but that he was so wonderful that his loss still leaves me reeling after all these years. That’s how I do it, that’s why I go there, and that’s why it’s ok even when it’s not ok.”

“You have unbelievable strength, even in just sharing all that with me.” Ashlyn says thoughtfully.

“I think the same about you.” Ali smiles at her before getting to the last thing on her mind. “So, I wanted to know one more thing.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn nods.

“Can I ask what happened in the Reflection Room? What did you feel in there? Because when you opened your eyes and looked at me, it wasn’t anger…it was this combination of unbearable hurt and intense love that honestly made my world stop for a minute. I’ve never seen anything like that before and I want to understand it.” Ali doesn’t hold back on her question.

“Oh…uh…” Ashlyn gives herself a few seconds to think on it. “I saw you looking calm and I started feeling bad that I was just sitting there stewing about everything in front of me. I eventually closed my eyes like you did to see if I could get past the surface of it. I tried to think about your Dad, but then it felt so horribly shallow because I don’t know much about him. There was just nothing to really grasp onto, you know? From there, my mind wandered to what it must have been like for him.” She pauses to try and settle on a way to say it appropriately, but quickly realizes there isn’t one. “I don’t want to upset you…”

“You won’t. Keep going.” Ali coaxes her.

“Well, you got that message from him, you knew he was there in the middle of it. Whatever happened…there must have been a moment when he knew. Whether it was just a second or much longer, at some point he knew he wasn’t going to see you again.” Ashlyn stays locked onto her eyes, determined not to shy away from the difficulty of this. “I thought about waking up the morning after our last session and knowing I had to let you go…how painful that was, how it was one of the most excruciating things I have ever gone through. I thought about what his moment of having to let you go might have possibly been like given what mine felt like.” She wipes the tear forming at the corner of Ali’s eye with the tip of her thumb. “You’re going to tell me so many things about your parents and I’m going to ask a million questions about them, but still, I’ll never get to know them in a meaningful way. It hit me that the only way I can relate to them is through my love for you, and so I did that today with your Dad. And I’m going to keep doing that from this point forward with both of them, even if it breaks my heart like it did today. I don’t know what I looked like, but you got it right…so much love for you and hurt at the thought of ever losing you.”

The concept is so simple, but Ali is stunned by its remarkable empathy and depth. For all the times she has felt close to Ashlyn, this one will forever stand out. _Beautiful, beautiful human._

“Did I upset you?” Ashlyn asks quietly. Ali looks to be in deep thought, but there’s no telling expression on her face either way.

“Not at all. I just don’t know how to begin to tell you what I’m feeling…that’s rare.” Ali snaps out of her daze. “I might be proven wrong someday, but I really don’t believe there will ever be a moment where I’ll feel more strongly bonded to you than this one. I don’t know how else to say it. I promise to do the exactly same with your grandparents. Because you’re so right, there’s no better way to learn them than through the love we have in common.”

“That was way more eloquent than what I said, but yes.” Ashlyn smiles. “I love you, Alex. I’m always going to do everything in my power to show you that.”

“Will you ever go back there with me?” Ali asks curiously with a neutral tone so there’s no pressure either way.

“Whenever you want me to.” Ashlyn replies without even having to think about it.

“Even though you hated it that much?” Ali probes.

“We said we’d breathe together from now on, right? That means together even when we hate what we’re breathing. So, yeah. I’m right beside you, no matter what.” Ashlyn says with finality.

“Same, love. Breathing beside you was everything today, even in the moments I didn’t want to breathe.” Ali kisses her gentle and slow for a while, letting their emotions settle back into some kind of harmony. “I love you too, Ash.” She mumbles against her lips before they break away to get some air. “You know something, you are probably the most human person I have ever met.”

“Therapist coming in hot!” Ashlyn teases. “Alert! Deep psychological statement flying right over my head in 3…2…1…” She yelps when Ali pinches her belly. “No really, how am I more of a human than a human?”

“I just meant that you actually let yourself be human more than most people.” Ali shrugs. “I’m not saying people don’t feel things, it’s just that they’re always trying to fix what they feel even if it’s just human nature. You’ve just always struck me as more accepting and tolerant of what you’re feeling, and I think that’s scarce.”

“Never thought about it, but makes sense.” Ashlyn considers it. “I guess we all need some help adjusting sometimes though. And if we didn’t, you wouldn’t have a job. Even your most human human came to you for a fix, so.” She waggles her eyebrows at referencing herself.

“Touché, buzzkill.” Ali rolls her eyes. “Hungry?” She asks at hearing a loud rumble from Ashlyn’s stomach.

“Starved.” Ashlyn admits.

“About seven minutes left.” Ali says after checking her phone timer. “Anything else you wanted to talk about from today?”

“It’s totally none of my business, but I was wondering…does Kyle feel the same way you do about it? About going there?” Ashlyn asks the only other thing she thought about today.

_You could not be any more perfect. _“Yes and no.” Ali is touched that she asked, but the truth is that Kyle has his own story to tell. “The anger absolutely. But he seems to find more motivation there than peace like I do. He has an easier time talking about it than I do, but like me, he doesn’t always find people that he feels like he can open up to. He knows what I’ve trusted you with, and I’ll tell him about today. You should ask him sometime, I’m sure he’d love to talk to you about it.”

“I will.” Ashlyn leaves it at that, her stomach rumbling loudly again. “Easy there.” She rubs her belly.

“Five minutes.” Ali updates her on the time left before a devilish smirk curls on her lips. “Distraction?” She suggests, already leaning in.

“I love distr…” Ashlyn doesn’t finish before her bottom lip is pulled into Ali’s mouth, the brunette’s tongue following shortly after.

\----

“That was a really good dinner. Like suspiciously good from the girl who told me her best recipe was Walking Frito Pie.” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow as they settle back onto the couch together to finish the rest of the wine.

“I’m glad you liked it. I’ve had some time on my hands the last couple years to up my game.” Ali curls her legs onto the couch and leans into the blonde’s shoulder.

“Might have to tell my personal chef to stop coming and make you cook instead.” Ashlyn pretends to consider it.

“Definitely do not cancel the personal chef.” Ali shakes her head vigorously. “I’m not even gonna lie to you that I’m looking forward to trying all that amazing looking prepped food in your fridge. Besides, more time for other things if we’re not cooking.”

“Yeah?” Ashlyn smirks.

“Mhmm.” Ali hums and kisses her romantically just long enough to leave her with hooded eyes when she pulls away.

“Remind me to double my usual order on the prepped food then.” Ashlyn flirts back.

“Oh, speaking of meals. It’s high time I fill my best friends in on my love life before Kyle squeals and they kill me. So, I’m having Heather and Dave over tomorrow for brunch at 11:00am and facetiming Sydney to drop the news about us. Kyle too because he pretty much just wants to see Syd’s face. Any chance you want to come and make Syd’s face all that much more worth it?” Ali asks hopefully.

“I would love nothing more than to meet your people with the added bonus of watching Sydney Leroux-Dwyer’s jaw drop to the floor, but unfortunately I wouldn’t make it there before at least 1pm.” Ashlyn frowns.

“Damn, do you really have to work on a Sunday?” Ali asks curiously.

“Actually no. I have a phone call with my brother tomorrow at noon and no way to reschedule that.” Ashlyn replies simply.

“Wait, you’re talking to your brother?!” Ali sits up and turns towards Ashlyn looking surprised.

“Yeah. Crap, forgot you missed all that. He called me out of fucking nowhere like few weeks after we stopped sessions, on New Year’s Day.” Ashlyn divulges.

“Wow. What happened?” Ali asks with wide eyes.

“Well when he called he pretty much just said he missed me and said he was starting to come to a place of realizing he was stuck there and needed to make the most of it. He asked me to visit, so I did a few months later. Found out at the visit that he had applied to get his sentence reduced for the information he gave the feds about the people he was involved with. Apparently they had promised him less jail time way back when he was arrested if he gave them information that led to other arrests and charges, but they never made good on that. I guess he tried to get it re-reviewed for a sentence reduction and got denied.” Ashlyn recounts.

“Fuck. So you had no idea he had done that?” Ali tries to get the full story.

“None. First time I heard about it was at that visit. He’s always been the lone wolf type like me… same genes.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Anyway, that pretty much led to the harsh realization that he’s stuck with that sentence no matter what he does. Guess he figured he was gonna stop making himself so miserable in there and reach out to me.”

“And how do you feel about it?” Ali inquires.

Ashlyn just smiles and moves to wrap an arm around Ali’s shoulder, pulling her in close.

“What?” Ali questions at the action.

“I’m beyond glad that we’ve moved way past the therapist-client thing, but I still love that you ask me questions like that.” Ashlyn admits.

“Good. Cause you can take the girl out of the therapist’s office, but you can’t take the therapist out of the girl.” Ali laughs at her own joke.

_Worst jokes, best laugh. _Ashlyn laughs right along with her even though the lame joke isn’t funny at all, it’s Ali laugh that always gets her. “Well, I’m grateful for every ‘and how do you feel about that’ question.”

“And yet, I still haven’t gotten an answer.” Ali pokes her side playfully.

“I’m happy about it. I’ve been talking to him on the phone a couple times a month and visiting two or three times a year. Even if I hate him being in there and I worry about him, it’s still comforting to have that relationship back and more present in my life again. He’s so much of my childhood and my past. Feels like an anchor in a lot of ways.” Ashlyn tells her.

“I can understand that. Honestly, don’t know where I’d be without Kyle and always having that person who went through things with me.” Ali muses. “So, is that why you went back to Florida when all the stuff with you and Luz started coming out?”

“Yep. Would never have gone back otherwise.” Ashlyn says matter-of-factly. “I took Luz with me on that first trip for a couple reasons. One, I didn’t really want to go alone even if the prison visit was just me going. But also, she and I had just started getting close and I figured that if anything was ever gonna come of it, I needed to tell her about my past. Why not go right to the source, I guess.”

“Makes sense.” Ali nods. “And how was being back in Florida?”

“Not so bad really. Still don’t love it, but it is what it is. The prison is in the more central area of the state and a couple hours from my hometown. So, it’s not like I have to really be in the thick of things if I don’t want to. I went back home with Luz to get everything out that one time, but haven’t bothered going back since. Pretty much just go visit my brother for a day and come home.” Ashlyn replies.

“I’m really happy you’re back in touch with him.” Ali smiles, finishing the last sip of her wine and putting the empty glass on the coffee table next to Ashlyn’s before resettling herself against her shoulder.

“Me too.” Ashlyn rests her head against the brunette’s.

“Does he know about me?” Ali asks out of curiosity.

“Absolutely. Not about what has happened over the last few days of course, but he knows all the rest. Guess he’s in for a fun phone call tomorrow.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“I really want to meet him.” Ali says candidly.

_Woah. _Ashlyn is completely taken by surprise at the request which is soft in tone, but undoubtedly serious. “You do?” She asks quizzically.

“Of course I do. To use your words, he’s your brother, of course I want to meet him.” Ali turns her head and presses their foreheads together. “More than that, we’ve both said that our future plans involve us being together, right?” She gets little nod from Ashlyn. “He’s gonna be an old man when he’s out of jail and trying to figure out some kind of life that I’m sure neither of us can even imagine. There’s no doing that alone and he’s going to a big part of us. He’s family, we’ll take care of him. Doesn’t matter how far off it is, it’s still the reality. Why would I wait until then to get to know him? When he’s home, I want him to actually feel home…even with me.”

“You were right.” Ashlyn whispers, heart beating wildly as they breathe the same air. The balance they have together couldn’t be more clear than it is in this moment. For all of Luz’s unstoppable go-get-em attitude, she had never once asked to meet Chris or even have any contact with him. Luz never pried or pressed her for anything about him even though she was well aware of every phone call and every visit, and understanding of his importance in her life. She was always content to let Ashlyn set the pace on more personal things, almost complicit. But not Ali. Ali Krieger has known from day one exactly how and when to challenge her on something. And not just for the sake of challenge like was often the case with Luz, but to truly learn her and find a way to be better together from that.

“About what?” Ali asks softly.

“I’m not sure there will ever be a day where I’m more strongly bonded to you than this one.” Ashlyn repeats the brunette’s words from earlier, feeling more than seeing Ali smile.

“Told you.” Ali pecks her lips gently before making her intention clear one more time. “We can go with whatever he and you are comfortable with. Maybe I can write with him first or talk on the phone. Anything he wants. But I definitely want to meet him whenever that’s an option.”

“Thank you.” Ashlyn mutters even while closing the tiny distance, the kiss immediately hungry and wanting.

\----

“Baby.” Ashlyn intakes a sharp breath, leaning her head further back against the couch as a warm tongue flits across her collarbone. Ali is straddling her lap, the brunette’s sweater on the living room floor somewhere even as her own cardigan and collared shirt lay unbuttoned and wide open. Her hands wander from gripping Ali’s hips and drag up along her sides to the back her neck, pulling her down into another heated kiss that makes them moan in unison.

The fireplace that was once making the room cozy is now just adding to the overwhelming heat radiating across Ali’s skin. _Fuck, I want more of you. _She can’t get herself close enough, every touch leaving her desperate for more, her core throbbing mercilessly against the seam of her tight jeans. Ashlyn’s lips work down her neck and find their way to her pulse point, the soft suction bringing her ever closer to the point of no return. She tangles her hands in blonde locks, pulling Ashlyn up for a sloppy kiss before nipping around the shell of her ear and sucking it into her mouth “I want you so badly…if you want to slow down…we should…mmmm.” Her words get lost in a low moan as pillowy lips find a sensitive spot just below her ear.

“I want you too. I’m done with slow.” Ashlyn husks along the brunette’s jaw, her fingers deftly unclasping Ali’s bra and letting it fall between them. “I missed you so fucking much, Alex.” She runs her palm over Ali’s left breast, the nipple hardening at her touch. “You’re the most beautiful dream.” She mumbles while leaving open mouthed kisses along the valley of her chest.

“This better not be a dream.” Ali voice trembles with desire as the blonde nips around the swell of her breast but avoids her nipple. “You’re teasing.” She whines as if Ashlyn didn’t already know the effect she’s having.

“Come upstairs with me and I’ll stop teasing.” Ashlyn pulls back with a mirthful smirk.

“I’ll come wherever you want me too.” Ali counters with her own smirk.

_Dear lord. _Ashlyn eagerly stands right up off the couch with Ali still on her lap, smiling when strong legs naturally wrap around her waist for a moment before the brunette lets them slide down so she can stand.

“Forgot how strong you are. But if you think you’re getting another step with all that clothes on, you’re out of your mind.” Ali works Ashlyn’s shirt off her shoulders, running her hands up her abs and slipping her fingers under her sports bra before lifting it over her head. “Besides, getting naked in your living room is our thing.”

“I love our thing.” Ashlyn chuckles against her lips, kissing her passionately. She lets out a groan when Ali pulls away, but it soon turns into pleasured grunt when the brunette’s tongue swirls around her belly button. “Jesus, Al.” Her pants and boxers slide down her legs even while Ali’s teeth graze her inner thigh.

“I love this one.” Ali admires the relatively new ink on Ashlyn’s lower left leg, running her fingers over it as she helps her step out of her pants.

“Your turn.” Ashlyn demands softly, tugging Ali up and capturing her lips while she pops open the button of the brunette’s jeans before eventually moving to pull them down. “God baby, your body…” She drags her lips from Ali’s knee all the way up to her hipbone, sucking softly over her Harvard shield tattoo.

“I’m never gonna make it upstairs if you keep doing that.” Ali confesses in a half mewl, Ashlyn’s mouth now all over her neck again as large hands grip her ass. Her nipples graze against the blonde’s equally hard ones and the throb between her legs amplifies. “Ashlyn…”

“Right.” Ashlyn slows things down, placing gentle kisses all over her face before taking her hand and quickly leading them up the stairs. “Give me just one second.” Ashlyn gets the blinds up and the lights dimmed in the bedroom, finally going over to the record player to put on their playlist.

“We’re gonna need a new playlist.” Ali giggles.

“You wanna stop to make one?” Ashlyn challenges with a sly grin.

“Don’t even joke right now.” Ali warns playfully, her body already revving up at the opening notes of _Silence _playing through the room. “This playlist has so many good vibes though.” A huge smile lights up her face.

“Your smile, your laugh…they fill up every happy place inside me.” Ashlyn holds her warm gaze, running the tip of her thumb softly along Ali’s lips. “Couldn’t love anything more.” She presses her mouth to Ali’s really lightly, leaving it there and taking a couple slow breaths before moving to kiss her at a measured pace intended to draw out the drumming heartbeat she can always feel accompanying her own when they’re pressed chest to chest like this.

_You’re gonna make me pass out. _Ali can feel her legs trembling to hold her up, her tongue pushing into the blonde’s mouth as she grips the back of her shoulders more securely. “Wait.” She wills herself to pause while she still can. “Is there anything new or just anything at all I should know about?” She looks at Ashlyn meaningfully, making absolute sure before she lets herself get entirely consumed and caught up in this woman in the way she has always wanted to, without so much as an inkling of her therapist mindset breaking through.

_You take such good care of me. _“I love who you are.” Ashlyn smiles softly and presses their foreheads together, her hands running up and down Ali’s back. “The only thing you should know is that I can’t wait to feel you all over me…inside me. I’ve waited too damn long, and I’ve dreamed it both too many times and not nearly enough. You?” She poses the brunette’s question back to her.

“No, love…still the exact same Ali that craves you in every way imaginable. No more waiting.” Ali closes her eyes, her nose nuzzling against the blonde’s cheek. “I’ve never been anyone else’s but yours. Yours even when I couldn’t be yours. Leave me breathless, angel.”

Ashlyn lifts Ali up into her arms, any restraint between the two of them obliterated as their mouths latch onto each other hungrily. Legs wrap around her hips tightly and she slides her hands down to hold that perfect ass, helping Ali grind against her lower belly.

Ali completely loses track of where she is in the room until her back falls against soft sheets, smooth skin all over her own. She sucks in a few deeper breaths of air as their kiss breaks, her body flushed as blood pumps hard through her veins. Her hands fan out against Ashlyn’s lower back and rake upwards, amazed by the way her fingertips have their own muscle memory as they perfectly anticipate every raised scar along the path. Her hands tangle into blonde hair when hot kisses approach the back of her neck. _You remembered_. “Ash…yes…” She turns her head to grant better access, her hips lifting up involuntarily when Ashlyn zeroes in.

Ashlyn slots her thigh between the brunette’s legs, swirling her tongue near the back of her neck and using her thumb to lightly circle her pebbled nipple. She sucks firmly on Ali’s sweet spot, a loud moan in her ear paired with the gyrating of the brunette’s hips. Ali’s wetness coats her leg and she puts more pressure against her core, smiling at how worked up she is already.

“You feel so good on me.” Ali’s breathing gets heavier by the second. “Kiss me.” She begs, uncontrollably close to the edge even though Ashlyn has barely touched her. Her lips are immediately captured in a fervent kiss that makes her dizzy, a moan emptying into her mouth when she instinctually presses her thigh up against the blonde’s hot wet center. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” She locks onto fiery hazel hovering just above her, addicted to the warms puffs of air against her face from Ashlyn’s parted lips as they move against each other. She tilts her head back as Ashlyn nips across her collarbone and starts down her chest, expecting herself to explode at any minute as their rhythm gets faster.

“No rushing, beautiful. Not tonight.” Ashlyn suddenly slows her hips to a stop, hearing a whine of protest that gets combined with a whimper as she engulfs a nipple with her mouth.

“Ash…god yes…fuck...” Ali breathes out, one hand finding its way back into blonde hair as soft lips expertly tug and suck her nipples into stiff peaks. _Of course. She knows my body better than I do. _She feels herself settling down into the now slow and teasing pace, being kept perfectly along the edge and enjoying the electricity buzzing under her skin. _You always know exactly what I need._ Ashlyn’s tongue snakes across the inked script on her side, lips and teeth painstakingly covering every inch of her torso down to her navel before going right back to her nipples. “I love how you touch me. Need more of you.” The slow smolder is growing hot again.

Ashlyn kisses her passionately, suddenly rolling over so Ali is on top of her. “I’m yours…for anything you want.” Her hands slide down to Ali’s hips, her thumbs lightly stroking her hipbones as she watches the brunette’s eyes darken.

_Holy fuck. That’s new…and so fucking sexy._ “You are so fucking hot.” Ali feels a surge of energy at the contrasting combination of Ashlyn’s sexy confidence even as she gives up control. It sends a quiver of anticipation through her body that leaves goosebumps on her skin.

Ashlyn reaches to entwine both of her hands with Ali’s, moving so their joined hands are against the bed up near her shoulders. She waits for the action to register, watching pure love fill the whiskey eyes looking down at her when it does.

Ali’s heart swells at the meaning. _She doesn’t like her hands held down. _Even if it’s just symbolic and temporary, the message behind it is unmistakable and speaks volumes. She lets her chest drop down and kisses Ashlyn slow and deep, both of them gasping softly when their nipples press against each other. “I trust you more than anyone in the world too, my love. I’ll protect you always.” She says against Ashlyn’s lips, making it clear that she understood. They’ve had a limitless trust for each other right from the start, but it’s a poignant reminder from Ashlyn that it hasn’t changed one bit and grows deeper still even despite being at a new beginning.

“I know, sweetheart. And I you.” Ashlyn lifts her head for another romantic kiss. “I couldn’t actually be yours before no matter how much I felt it in my heart, but we made it here. Make me yours for real this time.”

“It was always real, babe.” Ali leaves a lingering kiss on her lips before smirking. “But I’m with you on that, let’s make it really damn real together. So fucking real that everyone hears us.” Ali let’s go of Ashlyn’s hands, moving to hold her face and closing her eyes for a second when the blonde strokes through her hair. She shifts so that they’re on their sides facing each other and kisses her hard, quickly rekindling the inferno between them. She wastes no time moving down Ashlyn’s chest, knowing just how turned on she gets when her nipples are played with.

“God that’s so fucking good...holy shit, just like that.” Ashlyn holds the brunette’s head in place, her back arching when her nipple gets sucked a little harder. “Mmmmgod.” Ali’s hand rakes up and down her abs half tickling her and half driving her wild. She looks down to watch the woman feast on her chest, finding lustful whiskey looking right at her. “Jesus fucking Christ.” Her nipple releases from Ali’s mouth with a wet pop, a gush of wetness between her legs at the sight and sound. _Fuck, I need you._ She finds Ali’s hand and guides it to her center. “Please, Al…”

“No rushing, gorgeous.” Ali winks at her, gently scratching the strip of short-trimmed hair on her mound repeatedly without moving down any further. Ashlyn spent the better part of an hour working her up into a frenzy, and even though she knows there’s no way either of them will make it much longer, she’s determined to repay the favor.

“Uunnh fuck.” Ashlyn hisses loudly, looking down again just in time to watch Ali suck a tiny red mark in the center of her Venus tattoo. The brunette softly pulls her skin into her mouth all along her abs, her eyes closing when Ali’s tongue finds the crease at her groin. “Alex…I want you…god, do I want you...”

Ali moans softly at the way Ashlyn’s fingers tickle her scalp, making her center pulsate. _Everything you do lights me on fire. _She can’t get enough of the way Ashlyn squirms at her touch, the slightly salt taste of her skin, the way she smells…all of it so familiar and exactly the same. So wonderfully the same, the feeling of home hitting her hard again. Ashlyn’s legs go loose and wide as she drags her mouth along the tail of the inked mermaid, revealing glistening perfection that draws her right in.

Ashlyn groans deeply when the hot mouth working down her thigh suddenly comes to a stop, looking down to find hungry whiskey eyes locked onto her center and almost exploding at fire in them. “Baby, please…just…” She gently tugs Ali’s head toward her, whimpering eagerly the brunette’s warm tongue snakes back up the inside of her thigh.

Ali wants to stare and appreciate the amazing view, but she can’t resist any longer. Ashlyn’s increasing expletives egg her on as she gets closer to where her girl wants her. She watches a tiny bead of wetness slowly drip onto the sheets and has to squeeze her own legs together at the jolt she feels._ Fuck_, _I’m going to come just looking at you. _Ashlyn’s thighs are shaking slightly, but she still takes a moment to breathe her in. “You’re exactly the same as I remember.” Her mouth is so close she can feel the heat coming off Ashlyn’s center. “Beautiful…unbelievably wet for me, fucking perfect.”

“Al, please…” Ashlyn pleads desperately, the whole room starting to spin as Ali’s hot breath hits her core. A warm tongue swipes from her entrance to her clit, her eyes rolling back and a strangled cry of pleasure leaving her lips.

“Mmmm, you taste so fucking good. So incredibly good, Ash.” Ali moans loudly into blonde’s wet heat, already lost in devouring her.

“Fuck, fuck…keep talking…oh fucking god…” Ashlyn’s hips grind down to get closer to the vibrations of Ali’s voice, her walls already starting to twitch and tighten. Her clit gets sucked into the brunette’s mouth repeatedly while Ali hums and she desperately searches for her hand, squeezing hard when she finally finds it. “I’m so close already…way too close.” Her chest heaves for air.

Ali moves away from the swollen bundle of nerves, using the tip of her tongue to circle Ashlyn’s clenched entrance until it relaxes and opens up again. She finds the blonde’s other hand, holding both now against the woman’s hips. “I love you.” She dips her tongue slowly into the copious wetness, going in as deep as she can and swirling it around. _I’ll never get enough of you._

“Yes, yeees…feels so…fucking good...” Ashlyn wills her body to hold on just a little longer, but the tingling deep in her belly is quickly building into a throbbing ache that demands release. “Oh god…I’m so mmmmfuck.” Ali’s tongue presses hard against her walls before darting in and out at a rapid pace, making her hips lift off the bed involuntarily. “Aleeex…Alex!” The brunette’s thumb rubs tight circles on her clit and her whole body tightens in orgasm. Her mind goes foggy and every ab muscle spasms as she sucks in air through her teeth. Soft moans rattle in the back of her throat while the brunette’s tongue helps her ride out the high, moving slower and slower as she comes down.

Ali kisses her way up Ashlyn’s body before pulling her into her arms and listening to her catch her breath. “You’re incredible. I missed you so damn much, babe…every inch of you. I love being with you.” She whispers sweetly in the blonde’s ear, leaving little kisses along her the top of her shoulder. She’s trying hard to ignore the nagging ache between her legs to no avail. Watching Ashlyn come apart on her tongue like that has put her into overdrive and she shivers slightly when the blonde’s hand starts running up and down her side.

“I love you so much.” The fog in Ashlyn’s head finally lifts at feeling Ali’s shiver. “Nobody feels like you do, absolutely nobody. You’re so beautiful, I don’t even know what to do with myself.” She kisses her heatedly, not missing the way Ali’s lower half presses against her front. She trails right down her neck and finds her nipples, tugging them lightly with her teeth and soothing them with her tongue until Ali is panting out puffs of air.

“I want you inside me so badly…god I need to feel you.” Ali pulls her back up for a deep kiss, getting completely disoriented when Ashlyn uses her fingers to stroke the spot of the back of her neck that drives her crazy.

“You’ve got me, never letting go.” Ashlyn rakes her fingertips down the brunette’s side and along her inner thigh before using her middle finger to delicately part her soaked folds and earning a long moan. “You’re so warm.” The pad of her finger finds Ali’s clit and she instantly feels the brunette’s grip on her shoulders get tighter.

Ashlyn is putting perfect pressure on her clit all Ali can do is let out loud stuttered mewls at the sparks she feels in every nerve ending. She holds on tight, trying to get even closer to the sculpted body moving against her. “Ash…need you…more.” She presses herself down against the blonde’s fingers trying to get more friction, her body screaming for release. “Oh…oh my god.” Two long fingers fill her deep and it feels so good that she gets emotional.

“Hey, you ok?” Ashlyn stills her fingers completely at seeing a tear roll down Ali’s cheek, her stomach dropping a bit. Ali’s hand finds her cheek and adoring eyes hold her concerned gaze.

“Don’t stop.” Ali rests her forehead against the blonde’s. “I’m just so ridiculously happy to feel you like this again. You feeling amazing, Ash. Keep going...I’m burning for you.”

“I love you so much.” Ashlyn kisses her romantically, moving her fingers in and out at a slow pace, pressing against her walls every time she bottoms out. Ali is back to moaning loudly against her mouth, her entrance just starting to tighten.

“Fuck, I want to come with you.” Ali knows she’s probably way too close to the edge for this, but she feels an overwhelming desire to consume this woman while she loses herself in her touch. She feels Ashlyn leg rest on top of her hip and she doesn’t hesitate to take the invitation, running a finger through the blonde’s slit and finding her just as wet as before. “God Ashlyn, you’re so fucking sexy.” She swallows Ashlyn’s moan with a kiss that makes her lungs burn for air, pulling back to find shining hazel as she sinks a finger inside.

“You feel incredible…another.” Ashlyn breathes out, leaving a few open mouthed kisses in the crook of Ali’s neck and pumping inside her faster. “God yes, oh god.” Ali adds a second finger and little lights pop behind her eyelids.

“Your fingers… so deep…uhhnnn.” Ali’s fingernails dig into Ashlyn’s back, both of their hips rolling to find a rhythm together. Sweat beads on her forehead, the tightly coiled spring inside her ready to let go. “Want to…with you…I’m about to...” She can’t find her words, trying to stall her orgasm by focusing on the wet heat pulling her own fingers in and the ragged breaths in her ear. She hears Ashlyn whisper ‘harder’ and buries her fingers as deep as they’ll go before curling them over and over again.

“Al yes…yes, yes, fuck just like that.” Ashlyn’s pleasured yells fill the room. “Let go baby, I’m with you.” Ali is throbbing around her fingers, entrance clenched tightly and dripping into her palm. She puts direct pressure on the brunette’s g-spot and slides her thumb up to her clit, a keening wail drowning out her own moans.

“Ashlyn!’ Ali tumbles over the edge first, riding out the intense waves of pleasure on those amazingly long fingers and hearing her own name in her ear as Ashlyn’s body shakes around her. She can barely breathe, eyes tightly shut, stomach muscles rippling repeatedly, completely lost in her girl’s soft grunting even through the sound of her own drumming heartbeat in her ears. She frees her hand from the tight space between Ashlyn’s legs so she can hug her closer.

“I’ve got you.” Ashlyn kisses Ali’s forehead, the brunette’s body still slightly spasming against her. “Never seen anything more beautiful that you.” She slips her fingers out slowly and runs her knuckles gently up and down Ali’s center to fully bring her down, listening to her breathing even out. “Relax, love. I’ve got you.”

_How did I ever survive two years with you touching me?_ “I love how that feels…the way you touch me after I come.” Ali finds her voice after a couple more minutes, smiling when Ashlyn kisses all over her face.

“Yeah well, I love touching you.” Ashlyn kisses her softly and rolls onto her back, pulling Ali to sit top of her stomach. “You are seriously breathtaking. God, look at you.” She says reverently at the sight, her hands moving up and down the brunette’s sides while her thumbs drag across her tight stomach.

Ali feels herself stir at the soft but deepened voice, at the way those hazel eyes shamelessly take in her body like it’s some priceless art. “View is perfection from here too.” She sits back a bit more and traces the Venus tattoo with her fingertip. And if you keep looking at me like that…” She trails off with a smirk.

“Who said I was just looking?” Ashlyn sits up, her mouth sucking softly on Ali’s nipple before the brunette can even register. “I’m not even close to done with touching.” She mutters against the middle of Ali’s chest as she works her way to the other breast.

“Oh mmmmm, yeah.” Ali’s head tilts back even as her hands go to Ashlyn’s head. The tongue swirling over her nipple is already igniting her again and she tries to keep it there, but the blonde’s mouth is already moving downward. “What are you…” She doesn’t finish the question as Ashlyn grips her hips and tugs her up, realizing exactly what she’s doing and helping scoot herself up. “Fuck…yes, babe.” She whimpers as her center grazes Ashlyn’s chest on her way up to the woman’s mouth. She whimpers even louder when her clit comes in contact with the blonde’s chin.

“You smell so damn good.” Ashlyn feels immediately intoxicated, finding Ali’s eyes above her and gently lapping at the wetness still pooled at her entrance. _I could die happy right here. _“I missed you Alex, I fucking missed you.” She moves her mouth away just enough to make sure she was heard before curling her arms around Ali’s thighs and pulling her in closer to her face, licking feather light patterns on her clit and watching Ali’s mouth form an o-shape.

“Ash…Ash…god…Ash…” Ali can’t stop repeating her name, can’t stop watching Ashlyn feast on her, can’t stop herself from screaming out when a strong tongue finds the perfect spot inside her. Hot energy courses through her body and all she can do is hold onto the headboard of the bed for dear life, her other hand fisted in blonde hair as a string of endless expletives leave her mouth. Ashlyn’s lips suction around her clit and everything spins and goes black, her forehead making a soft thud against the wall as her body crumbles in ecstasy.

_You’re beautiful, so so beautiful. _Ashlyn keeps her tongue moving really gently along Ali’s folds for a while until she feels the brunette’s body start to relax a bit. “Come here, baby.” She helps Ali slide down somewhat clumsily and holds her close against her chest, finding her still dazed even though her breathing has regulated. “I love you. You ok?”

Ali just nods and squeezes the blonde’s bicep, too blissed out say anything. Her mind drifts to the last time they were together like this and she wonders how it’s even possible that it has somehow gotten better. Ashlyn’s large hands stroke her back so softly, the woman’s heart beating against her cheek, and she lets herself melt into the deep sense of safety and tranquility. “I love you so damn much.” She has no idea how long it’s been when those words tumble out of her mouth, the sound of her own voice surprising her.

“There she is.” Ashlyn kisses the top of her head. “Hi.” She smiles lovingly when Ali lifts her head and look at her.

“Hi.” Ali smiles back at her, resting her chin on the blonde’s chest and leaning into Ashlyn’s hand as she plays with her hair.

“You ok?” Ashlyn checks again.

“Absolutely never better.” Ali says adamantly. “I totally forgot what amazing sex feels like. You?”

“Exact same.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly. “Like fuck, I remember it being incredible, but was it _this_ spectacular before? Cause that was…” She can’t even think of what to say even though she’s been thinking about it this whole time.

“Really fucking hot. Mind blowing. Completely and totally out of this world.” Ali offers some suggestions.

“All of that and then some.” Ashlyn agrees.

“You’re right though, it somehow got better and I’m floored in the best possible way.” Ali leans to kiss her chin. “I’ve never gotten emotionally happy during sex, so there’s that. And that last round…damn, I’ve never been that far gone before.”

“Really?” Ashlyn asks.

“Yeah. Everything with you has always been on a whole other level, but I guess I could never let myself fully float away before either. Some part of me had to keep us on some kind of track.” Ali explains and sees Ashlyn nod knowingly.

“Well, welcome to the new us where there’s no track. Feel free to float away anytime, I’ll eventually bring you back down…when I’m done. Probably before you leave any more scratches in my headboard.” Ashlyn winks.

“Oh my god, did I really?” Ali lifts her head up to look.

“I’m kidding, Al.” Ashlyn laughs heartily. “Although, I haven’t actually checked.” She teases.

“Well if there are any, it’s your own damn fault. Christ, my legs are still tingling.” Ali buries her face into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck.

“Well if there aren’t any, I’ll make sure there are next time.” Ashlyn deadpans, continuing to stroke Ali’s back and loving the warm breath tickling her neck. “This was quite a second date. I can’t decide which one of us sucks more at pacing ourselves.”

“Well at least you went all profound and romantic with your date. I literally made you walk through hell with me.” Ali giggles. “Besides, I figured the first time we had sex again we’d go all night. But thanks to my extreme dating tactics, we’re both too emotionally and physically wrecked to move. So there, we’re kind of pacing ourselves.”

“Today meant more to me that I can express. Best second date ever.” Ashlyn tells her sweetly.

“But was it the _last_ second date?” Ali banters back with Ashlyn’s own question from last night.

“You know you’re my last everything, right? Last thought, last heartbeat, last breath…they all belong to you no matter where you are. And you know what?” Ashlyn looks down to find her eyes. “That was true even before we ran into each other at the movie theater and this happened…and I’m not afraid to admit it.”

It’s a really poignant statement after what happened today in the Reflection Room, bringing everything full circle. Ali takes a second to let herself process it before responding. “You’re braver than I am. I never let myself go there. Probably because I believed you were someone else’s. Still didn’t matter…every single time I had a quiet moment, you were right there in it. So, I was just kidding myself by fighting it.” She brings Ashlyn’s hand to her mouth and kisses each of her knuckles. “You’re my last too, babe.”

Ashlyn leans down to kiss her softly for a few seconds, smiling into it at the taste of herself still on Ali’s lips. “Hey that reminds me. Who is Cassius’ other godparent?”

“Dom’s brother, why?” Ali answers with a curious look on her face.

“Ah, ok. Cause that caption Sydney wrote on that picture she posted of you and the baby made me think for sure you were serious with somebody when I saw it.” Ashlyn explains.

“Oh god, she was so damn hormonal.” Ali laughs. “I mean, it was sweet and all, but that ‘half of an amazing whole’ thing was sappy as fuck.”

“Certainly didn’t seem like the bad ass businesswoman that I know her as. Sounded like she was gearing up to be your maid of honor like any day there in that caption.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Ewww, did not need that kind of mental picture with Dom’s brother.” Ali cringes at the thought.

“Good to know you’re still firmly riding the saddle of the rainbow unicorn.” Ashlyn smirks.

“After all those ‘you’re my last’ professions we just made, you do realize you pretty much just called yourself a rainbow unicorn, right?” Ali plays back with insinuation.

“I suppose I did. Guess my face is a saddle then.” Ashlyn bursts out laughing when Ali picks her head up to look at her, the brunette’s mouth hanging open incredulously through a smile.

“Your pillow talk is still subpar. Some things never change.” Ali shakes her head with a giggle, resettling herself back into the crook of the blonde neck.

They lay in comfortable quiet together for quite a while, hands roaming soothingly over each other’s skin. Ali finds her eyes closing as her fingertips trace over the laurel leaves around Ashlyn’s neck. “Ash?” She breaks the silence when she hears Ashlyn yawn.

“Mhmm?” Ashlyn hums in reply.

“Ask me to stay.” Ali requests in a whisper.

“Pretty sure you were supposed to ask me to stay.” Ashlyn grins down at her.

“That was the plan, but we’re at your place. Remember?” Ali challenges back.

“Pretty sure I took care of that when you first got here. You have the same code I do, beautiful. Remember?” Ashlyn counters mirthfully.

“Ok, that was really, really smooth.” Ali concedes with a wide smile. “Brilliant really.”

“Oh I know.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Just imagine if you had gone to Harvard.” Ali teasingly knocks her down a peg.

“Big talk from the girl who sleeps in a Stanford hoodie.” Ashlyn tickles her side before leaning in for a long kiss and pulling back to find warm whiskey. “Wanna try again?” She gives her a knowing look.

Ali gently tugs Ashlyn’s ear with her lips before whispering. “Stay with me?”

“Always. Kiss your leg room goodbye.” Ashlyn kisses her with fervor even as Ali entangles their legs.

“Who the fuck ever needed leg room?” Ali asks rhetorically with a wicked grin. “Mmm, don’t wanna move.” She settles back into her spot against the blonde’s neck. “Unfortunately, we left on every light and a fireplace downstairs.”

“Well that’s no problem. If you’ll recall, this whole damn placed is wired to a remote control.” Ashlyn reaches over to grab the remote, swiping and tapping it a couple times. “Done. Started the dishwasher too.”

“That’s insane.” Ali shakes her head. “Think it could pee for me and brush my teeth too?”

“You’re on your own there, Harvard. I can get it order to you more mascara though.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Cute.” Ali makes a face at her.

“Come on, you.” Ashlyn tugs her up and heads into the bathroom, finding her a new toothbrush and handing it to her. They brush their teeth side-by-side, occasionally smiling at each other in the reflection of the mirror. She wipes off her makeup with a wipe before handing the pack to Ali in case she wants to do the same. “Want a bottle of water?” She asks before giving Ali privacy to pee.

“Yes, please.” Ali nods, wiping off her own makeup before peeing and washing her hands. “Well that’s just hot as hell.” She finds Ashlyn sitting up against the headboard of the bed sipping a bottle of water, still naked with the sheets pooled at her waist.

“It’ll be hotter when you get back in here.” Ashlyn taps the bed beside her. “Seriously, I’m cold now.”

“Awww, poor Florida girl.” Ali coos, taking a few sips of water from the bottle she’s offered before laying down and cozying right back up to her.

“You’re so warm. And so beautiful.” Ashlyn holds her tighter and watches Ali smile and yawn, reaching for the remote to fully dim the lights.

“Today meant everything to me.” Ali kisses along Ashlyn’s jawline. “I love your heart, the fearless way you care and invest yourself. I love you more than literally fucking everything.”

“Thank you for inviting me into that extremely private space you keep, for letting me know that part of you. I’ll always be there if you want me to be, you’re never alone.” Ashlyn says meaningfully. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

“So happy to be here with you. Goodnight, my love.” Ali strokes her cheek softly.

“Sweet dreams, lovebug.” Ashlyn smiles and leans in for a lingering kiss that turns into a long one when Ali pulls her right back in.

“Don’t want to stop kissing you goodnight.” Ali mutters against the blonde’s lips.

“Then don’t.” Ashlyn mumbles back, the two of them kissing lazily for quite a while until it slows to a stop, replaced by the soft even breaths of peaceful slumber.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 3, 2021**

Ali wakes up to the vibration of the quiet alarm she set last night, blindly reaching to silence her phone before opening her eyes. She smiles as soon as she realizes where she is, her smile growing wider at the sight of Ashlyn. The woman is pressed close against her, but sleeping soundly on her belly, blonde hair disheveled, her mouth slightly parted. _Gorgeous even first thing in the morning. _She looks so serene and Ali hates to wake her, but she knows she can’t stick around too long this morning. She drapes an arm around Ashlyn’s lower back and leaves feather light kisses along the back of her shoulder.

“Mmmm, that’s a nice way to wake up.” Ashlyn’s eyes are still closed, but there’s a dimpled smile on her face. She enjoys the gentle touches on her back for another minute before opening her eyes. “G’morning, baby.”

“Good morning.” Ali kisses her chastely.

“It should be illegal to look as beautiful as you do in the morning.” Ashlyn rolls onto her side and pulls the brunette into her arms.

“Easy there, Stanford charm.” Ali taps her nose. “But I was actually just thinking the same thing about you.”

“I could so get used to this. You’re so damn warm.” Ashlyn rests her head under Ali’s chin and hugs her tighter.

“Please, I’m already addicted.” Ali giggles. “So, you’re a belly sleeper huh?”

“Not really I guess. Only when I’m alone and sleeping really comfortably.” Ashlyn lifts her head and sees Ali nod in understanding. “Honestly, this is first time I’ve ever woken up beside someone on my belly. As if I needed any more proof that you’re the love of my life.” She smiles.

“I’m gonna take that knowledge and save it right here.” Ali takes Ashlyn’s hand and puts it over her heart. “And be really happy and touched that you woke up like that this morning…and wish for a million more belly-sleeping mornings together.”

“You’re adorable.” Ashlyn pecks her lips. “Alright, give me the bad news. When do you have to leave?”

“Ugh, in like 30 minutes. Otherwise I’ll never make it back in time to shower and pick up some food for brunch.” Ali grumbles. “I’m sure I have like 10 minutes before Kyle starts blowing up my phone.”

“You could shower here with me.” Ashlyn offers eagerly.

“Don’t even tempt me. If I do that, they’ll be lucky if they see me for dinner, forget brunch.” Ali groans. “Rain check on that for sure.”

“Fine, I was gonna workout first this morning anyway.” Ashlyn sticks her bottom lip out. “Sorry again that I can’t make it for brunch.”

“That’s ok, we’ll have plenty of time for all these friend hangouts. I’ll get Kyle to record Syd’s face for you.” Ali snickers.

“Oh that reminds me. Kameryn and Kelley head back to DC on Thursday morning, so we’re doing our usual group dinner at the Whiskey Pub Wednesday night around 6pm. Will you come?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

“I’d love to.” Ali smiles. “Only if I’m not intruding though.”

“Not at all. They’d probably kill me if you didn’t come.” Ashlyn assures her.

“My last client session ends at 5:40pm on Wednesday, so I’ll probably run a few minutes late.” Ali says as she puts the dinner in her calendar.

“No worries. I’d bet my bank account that you still get there before Crystal.” Ashlyn laughs.

“That’s a big bet.” Ali teases.

“She’s reliably late to dinner outings. Always on time for everything else, it’s weird.” Ashlyn shrugs. “Speaking of late, I refuse to be blamed for a missed brunch. Use whatever you need in the bathroom and feel free to grab some clean clothes from the closet. I’ll make you some coffee.”

“You’re the best.” Ali buries her face into her neck for another moment before groaning again and finally getting up, watching from the bathroom as Ashlyn slips on some boxer shorts and a sports bra.

Ashlyn is just getting the coffee poured into a to-go mug when Ali walks down the stairs naked. “Well then, good morning to me again.” She shamelessly looks her up and down.

“As much as I’d love to steal your clothes, I’m just gonna shower when I get home anyway. So, I’ll just wear my stuff from last night.” Ali walks over and gives her a proper kiss now that she’s brushed her teeth. Moaning softly when Ashlyn pulls her closer and deepens it. “Come over today as soon as you can?”

“Yeah, I can do that. Probably around mid-afternoon.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Good. Maybe we can watch something and order in some dinner.” Ali suggests. “And, you’ll stay tonight, right?”

“Please Harvard, you gave up the leg room. You’re not getting it back.” Ashlyn smirks. “I’d love that. I’ll bring my clothes for the morning and leave for work from there.”

“God, we have so much to still get used to and figure out, don’t we?” Ali muses, realizing it has only been a couple days and they’re just at the very beginning of blending their lives together.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods. “But I can’t wait.”

“Me either, babe.” Ali smiles. “Shit, I need to get going.”

“Get dressed and I’ll get your coffee.” Ashlyn gathers Ali’s clothes from last night from the living room floor and hands it to her, impressed by how quickly the brunette manages to put it all on while she fixes her coffee. She helps her put on her coat before handing her the mug.

“Thanks, gorgeous.” Ali says appreciatively. “Tell your brother I said hi, and have a great call with him.”

“I will.” Ashlyn feels her heart pound again at Ali including her brother. “Good luck with brunch, can’t wait to hear about it.”

“You’ll probably hear Syd shriek from here.” Ali shakes her head and leans in for a romantic kiss. “Mmm, ‘nother one.” She requests as soon as Ashlyn pulls away, smiling into it when she complies.

“Go before I keep you here.” Ashlyn steals one more quick kiss and steps back.

“Ok, ok. I’ll see you later.” Ali presses the elevator button and gets into it. “Love you. Use your key.” She winks as the door slides closed, smiling as always when the Carmex starts tingling on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do we think of this second date and Ali's whole new approach to the start of a meaningful relationship?
> 
> Promise all that fun friend interaction is coming up in the next chapter, just didn't feel right to add it into this one, so stay tuned :-)


	49. Ruby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry for the long delay on this update! Unfortunately, there just aren't enough hours in the day sometimes for mom duties, a real job, and writing. I'm hoping things slow down a bit with work soon so I don't take so long with the next one. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this long-as-usual chapter! I had planned to write that bar outing with Ashlyn's friends into this chapter, but didn't get there. So, expect that in the next one. Hopefully the wait for this update was worth it!
> 
> As always, leave me your thoughts in the comments...they're always a great motivator when I'm trying to sneak in some writing time at 1am when I should be sleeping! Thanks for reading :-)

Ruby

**January 3, 2021**

“It’s about fucking time!” Kyle shouts from the living room as soon as Ali walks in the door to her condo.

“Oh shut it and come help me.” Ali scoffs at the fact that he’s just sitting there watching her struggle with two bags of food.

“Dang hunny, talk about what the cat dragged in. You looked disheveled as fuck.” He stands there looking at her wrinkled sweater and clearly unshowered appearance topped off with a sloppy bun, the only effort appearing to be her mascara. “Can’t believe you went out like that.”

“I didn’t go out like this and it looked a thousand times better last night.” Ali just brushes past him into the kitchen since he’s clearly not going to help.

“What do you…oh my gosh, you little skank!” Kyle covers his mouth with his hand when he realizes. “When you texted that you were going to grab food, I assumed you left from here! Spill!”

“Nothing to spill, I stayed at Ash’s last night after our date.” Ali tries to keep her answer casual because she’s rushing to get ready before HAO and Dave get here, but she can’t help the smile that grows on her face.

“Annnd…” Kyle shoots her a knowing look.

“Had the best sex of my life after an extremely meaningful date. Happy?” Ali shakes her head with a vibrant smile.

“Pssh, I’m elated! As if I couldn’t see that ridiculous ‘I got properly laid’ look all over your face. What isn’t that woman good at?” Kyle finally walks over to help her empty the bags of food.

“Nothing that I know of so far.” Ali smirks.

“Cannot wait to hear about how you topped her perfectly romantic date.” Kyle rubs his hands together eagerly. “Or maybe you just topped _her_.” He rephrases with a wink.

“You’re the worst. Trust me, you can definitely wait to hear about the roller coaster I put her through yesterday.” Ali sighs knowing just how intense but wonderful it was. “I found the most amazing person with the most beautiful heart.” She smiles to herself contently and leans against the counter in a daze.

“Ya think?” Kyle sasses. “I suppose I can wait to hear about this mysterious date of yours. Anyway, I love seeing you like this…you’re like floating.” He pulls her in for a hug and then quickly pulls away. “And you totally smell like sex. Get in the shower you dirty birdie!”

“I could already be in the fucking shower if _someone_ actually helped me get the food ready!” Ali snaps back at him.

“You bought stuff for bagel sandwiches, salad, and fruit. I’ll have this ready in like ten minutes, babes. Chill.” Kyle rolls his eyes. “Is Ashlyn coming to this shindig?”

“I wish. She wanted to, but she has a phone call scheduled that she can’t get out of. I’ll explain later. She’s coming to hang with me later this afternoon though.” Ali answers before smirking again. “And staying the night.”

“Loud and clear! I’ll be gone after brunch.” Kyle waves his arms dramatically.

“Speaking of which, I’m gonna nicely suggest that you don’t use your key anymore without texting me or something first. It’ll be your own fault if you walk in and see something you didn’t want to. You’ve been warned.” Ali points a finger at him.

“Well then, we’re back in the don’t use your key zone.” Kyle snickers. “Lovin’ it!”

“Permanently.” Ali emphasizes simply, getting across to him just how serious this is as if he didn’t already realize.

“Well duh.” He waves her off. “Seriously, you have like forty minutes, go shower!”

\---

“Ok Kriegs, I can’t take it anymore!” Heather whines as they all stand around the kitchen counter putting together their bagel sandwiches. “You’re all giddy…which means you’re super into someone or at least had a really damn good night, and you know what I mean by that! I know we have to wait for Syd, but can I at least know if it’s one of those or if this big reveal is about something else? I’m dying here.”

“Judging by that very refreshed look, I’m going with she had a good night.” Dave snickers. “Nothing like shaking off the cobwebs.”

“Told ya!” Kyle looks at Ali smugly.

“Since when do you comment on my sex life, Davey?” Ali eyes him teasingly, knowing he’s fairly shy and has always tended to stay out of the sex related conversations.

“Just saying that this is quite a look on you today.” Dave smirks and puts his hands up in defense.

“Funny, I see the same look on you two.” Ali pretends to study his and Heather’s faces with a wily grin. “Tell me guys, how’s the baby making going?”

“Oh snap! Really though? I mean now that she says it, very obvi.” Kyle looks between Heather and Dave expectantly.

“Yes, really.” Heather breaks out into a big smile. “And it’s going perfectly great thank you very much.” She answers coyly even as Dave turns red. “But unlike Ali here, we didn’t call a brunch to announce it, sooo…”

“Oh my gosh, this is so exciting!” Kyle claps his hands and hugs Dave. “Not that you’re fucking like bunnies, cause that would be sketch for me to be excited about. I meant that hopefully I’ll have a niece or nephew to spoil in the near future! Assuming Dave has strong little swimmers that is.”

“Right, thanks Kyle.” Dave turns even redder.

“ALLLLLIIII, give us something!” Heather ignores Kyle and whines again impatiently.

“It’s both. That’s all you’re getting until Syd calls.” Ali warns playfully.

“Wait, both as in there’s a person _and_ it was a hot night?” Heather quirks an eyebrow.

“Yep. Moving on.” Ali keeps her response short before she gives anything else away.

“Oh my god, Kriegs has a laaaady!” Heather bounces up and down on the balls of her feet.

“More like a fucking goddess.” Kyle mumbles.

“What do you know?” Heather narrows her eyes at Kyle.

“I’m just here for the food.” Kyle zips his lip and quickly heads towards the living room, plopping himself down in a good spot so he can record the iPad screen when Sydney calls.

“How was the holidays with your parents?” Ali asks Heather since they just got back a few days ago.

“I love them so much, but they drive me crazy after like a day.” Heather shakes her head.

“Her mom made that awful tofurkey again.” Dave cringes.

“It’s officially time for an intervention!” Kyle crinkles his nose in disgust. “Nothing wrong with going vegan, but tofurkey ain’t it. Ever. Should be fucking illegal.”

“Amen to that.” Heather nods vigorously.

“Yeah that was an experience I never want again.” Ali pretends to gag.

“Oh well, it ended up being like the old days and that was fun.” Heather nudges Dave with a flirty wink.

“Oooh, they went all babymaker in the guestroom with the parents next door!” Kyle snickers.

“This is not what I signed on for today.” Dave turns red again.

“We did not!” Heather reaches over Ali to swat at Kyle. “We just snuck out once they fell asleep so we could get burgers, geez.”

“Riiiiight.” Ali eyes Heather knowingly. “And that nostalgia didn’t spark a little post burger fun like the old days? Please.”

“Weren’t we here for some kind of news?” Dave changes the subject and takes a huge bite of his sandwich.

“Seriously, how long can Cassius possibly breastfeed for?” Heather checks her watch, even as the Facetime ring sounds through the living room.

“Right on cue.” Ali laughs, reaching over to accept the Facetime on her iPad. “Welcome to brunch, Syd! Now where’s my baby boy?”

“Hello lovelies!” Sydney waves before addressing Ali. “And absolutely fucking not, Ali-gator! The only reason I’m not flipping out right now is because you promised me that whatever this is wasn’t about your health. Also, I can now see your sex smile all the way from Chicago and I wanna know about that because there’s no way it isn’t related. You get no baby time until you give us the goods.”

“For fuck’s sake, is it really that obvious?” Ali asks in disbelief. She knows she’s incredibly happy and smiling like an idiot, but it seems crazy that all of them have now commented on it. _What have you done to me, Ash? _Of course, all she gets in reply is an emphatic unison of yeses. “Christ, can’t believe you’re holding Cassius hostage.”

“Still waiting.” Sydney just crosses her arms and doesn’t budge.

“Alright, so there has been a bit of a love life change.” Ali puts her plate down starts there.

“A _bit_ of a change?” Kyle shoots her a look.

“You keep quiet.” Ali playfully glares at him before correcting herself. “Ok, a major love life change.”

“Fucking hell Kriegs, just tell us!” Heather pipes up impatiently.

“So, I officially have a girlfriend.” Ali says happily before scrunching her nose. “God, that sounds so totally inadequate.” She adds at realizing it doesn’t even come close to conveying what she feels for Ashlyn.

“You have a what now? Did you say girlfriend that’s more than a girlfriend?” Sydney’s eyebrows raise up into her hairline.

“Yeah, woah, woah! Since when do you get into any kind of official relationship before dating for a while? And you were so not dating right before Christmas!” Heather reasons.

“What she said! You sure as hell weren’t dating the day after Christmas either.” Sydney thinks back to their last conversation where Ali actually said that she and Kyle were doing a stag New Year’s Eve.

“She wasn’t dating on New Year’s Eve either.” Kyle can’t help himself, stifling a giggle and earning another death look from his sister even as he records everything on his phone.

“Well, we’ve gone on two dates over the last two days…and I’m completely in love. Endgame in love.” Ali says casually, figuring she might as well torture them a little.

“What the actual fuck?! Like awesome, but who even are you right now?!” Sydney exclaims in shock.

“Screw that, who is this woman?!” Heather shouts her own question.

“Well you both know who she is. And Syd, you know her know her.” Ali gives them a bit more.

“Holy shit, did you reconnect with Paige?!” Sydney’s eyes bug out.

“What? No!” Ali scoffs.

“Someone from Harvard?” Sydney tries again.

“Nope.” Ali can’t help but giggle at the Harvard guess just because of the nicknames she and Ashlyn call each other.

“Ali, I swear to god! Who is it?!” Heather can’t take it anymore.

“Yeah geez, Ali…brutal.” Dave finally chimes in, keeping his hand on his wife’s bouncing leg.

“Ok, ok.” Ali smiles and pauses for one more second. “Ashlyn Harris. My girlfriend is Ashlyn Harris.”

“Whoomp, there it is!” Kyle yells out, watching Heather and Dave look a bit confused while Sydney appears to be solving a math problem.

“What?! You and Ashlyn Harris?! Like T_HE_ Ashlyn Harris? I…fucking what?! Just…how the fuck…what?!” Sydney yells out half stunned and half excited. “But how did…wait, did I introduce you?” She goes back to looking like she’s stumped.

Ali opens her mouth to answer, but Heather cuts her off.

“Wait, isn’t she the one married to our congress lady?” Heather suddenly realizes who Ashlyn Harris is. “Or no, maybe they got divorced?”

“Obviously they’re not together if she’s Ali’s girlfriend, babe. And that breakup was like big time news a while ago.” Dave informs her, proud of himself for being able to follow along for once.

“Oh yeah! She was with that sassy politician lady at that business event I dragged you to like forever ago!” Sydney pieces it together. “Is that where you met her? Must’ve been. But I don’t remember you being there when I talked her. Hold up, no, no. You were way gone by then cause your spacey ass ate a lobster thingy. Did you talk to her on your own that night and I missed it?”

“This is so much better than I anticipated!” Kyle announces with a gleeful smile.

“You do realize that if you all let me talk, you’d have answers, right?” Ali shakes her head at them.

“Silence, peasants!” Kyle bellows.

“Annnyway, Ashlyn and I have known each other for a while and we just ran into each other and reconnected this past week.” Ali puts it as simply as she can for the time being, knowing virtually anything she says is just going to raise another round of questions.

“A while as in like weeks, months, years…” Heather questions.

“Years.” Ali answers.

“Giiiirl, this is bizarre as fuck. Why are we only hearing about this now? Like if you knew before that I kinda know her…” Sydney just stares at Ali expectantly, not bothering to finish the question.

“Exactly!” Heather agrees with Sydney.

“Oh you’ve definitely heard about her.” Ali smirks, knowing she’s about to lower the boom. “You just know her by something else.”

“Fucking lost me, Als.” Sydney throws her hands up in exasperation.

“Seriously.” Heather sighs.

“Ha, for once I have clue!” Dave says excitedly.

“What? You know?” Heather studies her husband skeptically, but he just nods and looks at Ali.

“Not that hard if you think about why she’s so damn happy.” Dave smiles proudly.

“She’s dating a smoking hot billionaire, of course she’s happy.” Sydney isn’t convinced he knows any more than she and Heather do.

“Oh see, I think he figured it out.” Kyle chimes in to keep the suspense alive.

“Will someone please tell me what is happening?!” Heather whines impatiently, never one for drawn out surprises.

“For real, just put us the fuck out of our misery already.” Sydney pleads along with her.

“Actually, this is just starting to get really fun.” Ali taps her chin teasingly and gets loud protesting noises from both women. “I’m kidding!” She appeases them. “Go ahead, Davey.”

“Me?” Dave asks a bit stunned.

“Why not? You’ve definitely earned a gold star, tell these clueless lovelies who she is.” Ali smiles widely.

“Uh ok.” Dave suddenly gets a little nervous. “Gonna feel like a total moron if I’m wrong…” He hesitates.

“DAVID DONALD WERRY, I swear to god!” Heather smacks his leg even as Ali and Kyle burst out laughing.

“Listen to your wife!” Sydney eggs Heather on.

“Ow, ok!” Dave clears his throat. “Ashlyn Harris is Ruby. Right?”

“Bingo. Nicely done, Davey. Extra gold star for you.” Ali praises him, her tone calm as she waits for it all to register. She tries not to laugh as Sydney opens and closes her mouth several times like a fish out of water, unable to utter a word. Meanwhile Heather is sitting there looking bewildered as her eyes dart from Ali to Dave and back again.

“Cricket chirp, cricket chirp, cricket chirp…” Kyle fills the stunned silence and starts giggling hysterically.

“Let me get this straight.” Heather is the first to compose herself. “Ashlyn Harris is the Instagram lady and she’s also your former client that is like your soulmate. And you two somehow met back up and you’re officially and very seriously a thing now?”

“An excellent summary. So, yes.” Ali nods with a beaming grin.

“Oh my god! OH. MY. GOD! Ali!” Heather suddenly pops up off the couch and throws herself into Ali’s lap, hugging her in a vice grip. “This is so fucking awesome! YEEEEES! This is everything!” She pulls away a bit to put her hands on Ali’s shoulders, shaking her in excitement for good measure.

“Trust me, I know.” Ali replies happily while trying not to get whiplash. She cranes her head a bit to look at the iPad screen since Sydney hasn’t said a word yet, finding the woman smiling and wiping at her eyes. “Shit, Syd?”

“I’m good, I’m good.” Sydney waves her hand assuredly. “Ugh, I can’t even blame the hormones anymore.” Her mouth hangs open for a couple more seconds. “Unbelievable. You’ve seriously been talking about Ashlyn Harris this whole time?”

“The one and only.” Ali answers even though she knows it was a rhetorical question, sliding over a bit so Heather has room to sit beside her rather than in her lap. “You ok over there?”

“Goddamn. I’m fucking floored!” Sydney admits. “I mean, I don’t even know her that well, but just…holy fucking shit, Als!”

“Got that right.” Heather adds.

“Tell me about it. I still feel like I’m dreaming.” Ali grins like a dope.

“Wet dreaming probably.” Kyle can’t help himself and immediately gets pinched by Heather. “Ow!”

“We’re busy swooning right now, save your commentary.” Heather warns him.

“Please hunny, I already swooned plenty, but ya’ll go ahead.” Kyle shrugs.

“Fucking fuck, this is ahhhh!” Sydney shrieks loudly as it all really hits her. “Like you have no idea how badly I wanted this mystery client for you from the start…just so fucking bad. I mean, you said it yourself like two Christmases ago, you deserve that kind of love. And here you are out of fucking nowhere, and it’s Ashlyn Harris! Drop dead gorgeous, genius, wildly successful, Ashlyn Harris whose business reputation is fucking flawless…and she’s fucking uber nice too! This whole fucking time! I’m speechless.”

“That was a lot of fucks for speechless. Also, she definitely admitted to checking you out once for what’s it worth.” Ali laughs.

“I’m so ridiculously happy right now. Like I’m glad it’s a new year already, otherwise Cassius was gonna have hot competition between his birth and this as highlight of the year.” Sydney asserts playfully. “Blaaah! My brain is like all over the place!”

“I thought I was a hot mess over this, but you have me beat.” Heather laughs at Sydney’s fluster.

“Alright, I need so much info! So. Fucking. Much.” Sydney pulls herself together.

“Oop, she’s back.” Ali shakes her head.

“So, how long have you’ve known that she and I know each other?” Sydney inquires.

“Pretty much since the beginning. It came up like a couple sessions in.” Ali replies matter-of-factly.

“Damn, now hold on. Can you imagine if you had been there when I talked to her at that event? Like would you have told me then or you would you just let me introduce you to her and act like you didn’t know her? Would she have acted like she didn’t know you? Crazy awkward!” Sydney can’t get over the close call.

“Oh boy, now we’re getting to the best part!” Kyle says eagerly.

“I don’t have to imagine. I saw her early on that night and made sure none of that was even an option. Well, actually I panicked first and then made sure none of that was an option.” Ali tells her nonchalantly before dropping the truth. “By the way, I know that langoustine is lobster. I’m not a dumb ass.” She shoots Sydney a knowing look.

Sydney’s mouth drops open yet again, her eyes wide. “You didn’t!” She points a finger at the screen.

“Oh bish, she totally did!” Kyle tries not to laugh so he can keep his phone steady to record.

“You! ALEXANDRA BLAIRE KRIEGER!” Sydney half shouts half laughs. “Tell me you did not purposely chow down on a lobster cake and give me a fucking heart attack so you could leave before she saw you!”

“Guilty.” Ali shrugs with a smile. “I would never put her in that position. And honestly, I wasn’t ready to be in that position either.”

“Wow Kriegs, now that is a choice. A style all your own.” Heather giggles.

“I feel like I’m in a movie.” Dave goes back to eating sandwich. “Someone feel free to yell ‘cut’ any time now.” He teases.

“I don’t know any romance movies where the person poisons themselves for their soulmate.” Sydney quips sarcastically.

“Pretty sure that was Romeo and Juliet in a nutshell, so.” Ali plays back.

“You’re out of your fucking mind, but I love you…you crazy fucker! And I’m so happy for you, and just damn impressed that you opened yourself up to this and went for it. Cause I know how you are babe, and this is huge!” Sydney says genuinely.

“Exactly that. Also, totally not fair that you’ve met her, Syd. I feel like I need to catch up here.” Heather slightly pouts.

“She’s such a queen.” Kyle sighs happily, stopping the recording now that they’ve gotten through all the big revelations.

“Well I still have plenty to learn about her, we’ve only talked briefly. Cannot believe you didn’t slip even once in like two years, Als. You are way too good at your job, babe.” Sydney shakes her head.

“Well I had to be, it’s called patient confidentiality.” Ali puts it straightforwardly. “Which reminds me. She does know everything I’ve told you guys and she’s totally fine with it. Still, it’s important to me that you please respect her privacy even if what you know was mostly already out in the newspapers a while back. She’s my partner, not my client, even if that’s where we started. I want to be able to introduce her and have you get to know her as the love of my life, not as ‘Ruby’, you know?”

“Never heard of this Ruby person. I just know that my bestie has an amazing lady that is going to be my new bestie.” Heather replies adamantly with Dave nodding in agreement.

“You know that’s a given, Ali-gator. She’s already family, done deal.” Sydney piles on. “But she better start using my company for her marketing or else.” She adds in jest.

“I love you all like you don’t even know.” Ali says a bit emotionally. “And you don’t even really do tech marketing, Syd.” She rolls her eyes.

“Well I’m gonna start doing it now, so point your girl my way!” Sydney demands.

“I’ll get right on that and let her know.” Ali replies with sarcasm.

“More like she’ll get right on her and then let her know.” Kyle gets another glare from his sister. “Guuuuys our family is so hot! And now it’s even hotter!” He makes a sizzling sound.

“Speaking of family…” Sydney ignores his antics. “You better tell Ms. Harris that she’s expected at chateau Leroux-Dwyer in a few weeks when you visit. She has a nephew to meet and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

“Oh god, in all the craziness this past week I lost track of my trip.” Ali grimaces. “I’ll definitely ask her, but she also just launched an app, so I have no idea what that entails for her work schedule.”

“Please, it’s just a weekend trip. You can tell her I said that I expect her to come with you and that’s final. She knows I mean business.” Sydney smirks.

“Far be it from me to come between two bad ass business women in a show down.” Ali plays back. “And speaking of nephew, I held up my end of the bargain. Where is my baby?”

“Yes, baby time!” Heather squeals.

“HAO is _all _about the baby time lately.” Kyle waggles his eyebrows and watches Dave turn red again.

“Dude, you’re killing me.” Dave practically pleads.

“Obviously, I already saw that Als wasn’t the only one with a bit of an extra shine today.” Sydney goads them even as she motions over to Dom to bring Cassius over. “Enjoy it now, the sexy time takes a real dive with a baby around.”

“Y’all are impossible, but thanks for the tip.” Heather scoffs.

“I overheard that congratulations are in order. Well done, Ali!” Dom appears on the screen, sitting next to Sydney and bouncing Cassius in his lap. “Auntie Ali has a new fox, yes she does. And you’re gonna charm her with all that drool soon enough.” He kisses the baby’s belly and makes him grin along some kind of noise that sounds like a laugh.

“Oh my gosh, look at that little belly. I can’t. He’s so cute, you guys!” Heather gushes.

“Thanks, Dommy. I’m a lucky girl.” Ali smiles and turns her attention to the baby. “Cashy! Stop growing so fast before you give your auntie heart failure.” She coos at him and gets a big smile. “Ugh, those cheeks just melt me. Seriously, what on earth are you feeding him? He’s already at least an inch taller than last week.”

“Mommy’s booby juice is magic.” Dom jokes.

“Gross, babe. He’s not wrong though. The breastmilk is plentiful in these bad boys.” Sydney palms her own boobs.

“And that is my cue to take a break.” Kyle scrunches up his nose with a frown and gets up. “I don’t do boobs or milk, forget the two together. Bleh.”

“Yeah I’m gonna join you and get another bagel.” Dave heads into the kitchen behind Kyle.

“Total wusses, mates.” Dom makes fun of them.

“Says the man who had to put Vick’s Vapo-rub on his nose every time he changed a poop diaper for the first month.” Sydney gives Dom a skeptical look. “Don’t worry, HAO, Dave will have plenty of time to work himself out.”

“He’s just being bashful cause it’s you guys. Trust me, if a pediatric surgeon can’t handle baby and breastfeeding talk, we have a problem.” Heather shrugs while Ali keeps making funny faces at Cassius to make him laugh.

“Babe, can you make me a sandwich? I’m starving now that I’ve had to watch them all eat.” Sydney asks Dom sweetly.

“Sure, back in a jiff.” Dom hands Cassius over to her and heads off.

“You have got to teach me that trick.” Heather laughs.

“Oh it’s easy once you pop their baby out of your cooter. Ultimate trump card, let me tell you.” Sydney says with flare.

“Got it.” Heather nods with a smile.

“Alright Ali-gator, stop making goofy faces at the kid and give us the skinny on how this all went down with Ashlyn while the boys are away.” Sydney demands.

“Well if you thought this whole thing sounded like a movie before, prepare yourselves.” Ali warns with a beaming smile.

“I’m so ready.” Heather turns her body towards Ali and rubs her hands together.

“Why do I feel like every romantic moment I’ve ever had with my husband is about to get put to shame?” Sydney taps her chin.

“More like blown to smithereens.” Ali puts it bluntly.

Syd smiles and puts Cassius down on the floor to play before leaning forward toward the screen. “Bring it, Krieger.”

\------

“Look at you Buster, calling a whole five minutes early.” Ashlyn teases her brother once she hears his deep voice greet her.

“I can’t even take credit. Hard to get phone time today. A lot people still trying to get in holiday calls or whatever, so I showed up early in case someone got off sooner. Definitely can’t talk more than like 15 minutes.” Chris explains.

“Got it. How have the last couple weeks been?” Ashlyn cuts to the chase. Even though they talk every couple weeks now, the reality is that she never knows how much time they’ll have on the phone.

“Alright. Always a fucking weird mix of me ignoring that it’s Christmas while the newbies get all crazy about it.” He admits openly. “NBA game was on the TV though, so that was a bonus. We got a guy in here now that used to be like an artist or some shit, so the construction paper tree was particularly festive this time around.” He adds mockingly.

“Anything good in the holiday bags this year?” Ashlyn asks, knowing the only highlight is little gift bags that get handed out by the prison ministry.

“Fucking shit ton of Snickers bars! And I got triple cause I traded cigarettes for more of them once the trading block got hot.” Chris chuckles.

“If they only knew you didn’t smoke.” Ashlyn smiles. “No snickers bars in the commissary?” She asks, wondering why the excitement over Snickers in particular.

“Very rarely and then they go lightening quick. Bunch of other candy bars are always an option, but I dunno why not Snickers.” Chris replies. “Oh, the prison got some kind of food donation this year too. Might’ve been the best meal in here ever. Was like roasted Cornish hens with cornbread and mashed potato. Pecan pie and ice cream too. Plus, the kitchen inmates smuggled so much leftover stuff back to block after their shift, so we stuffed ourselves twice.”

“Yeeew, that actually sounds good.” Ashlyn says contently, loving the lightness in his voice today. As much as he avoids thinking about outside world things like holidays, there’s something settling about the fact that his years in there haven’t hardened him completely. That he can still find some enjoyment in little things even if he talks about them skeptically and doesn’t fixate on them. “I sure as hell didn’t get any pecan pie.”

“That’s cause you’re lazy. We both know you can make Gram’s Southern butter-pecan pie exactly like she did.” Chris counters.

“You only got to try my version once. How do you know I didn’t just get lucky?” She challenges back.

“Because Tag-along, you’ve never half-assed a single damn thing and I know for a fact that you never would’ve served it to anyone had you not perfected it first.” Chris tells her resolutely.

“I threw away fourteen of them before that one you tried.” Ashlyn laughs. “You know me too well.”

“I knew it.” Chris guffaws. “Anyway, how were your holidays? You were sticking around at home cause of work stuff, right?”

“Yep, it was quiet this year in terms of celebratory stuff because my company launched our new app on New Year’s Day. My close friends are all co-workers, so we were all busy this year and kept it simple.” Ashlyn explains.

“I still don’t quite get all this app crap you do, but it sounds cool. Only you would invent something that tells people when to pee during a movie. Computer nerd meets Satellite Beach townie!” He guffaws loudly.

“Funny.” Ashlyn can’t help but snicker. “I'll have you know that nearly a million people want to be told when to pee during a movie…and the number grows daily.”

“Woah, no shit.” Chris exclaims. “Not that I’m surprised. Like I said, you wouldn’t put out anything you hadn’t perfected to death first.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ashlyn shrugs it off modestly.

“So, what’s up with you? Normally you’d have some cheeky ass comebacks for me, but you’re all soft today. This app thing got you all success happy or what?” Chris probes.

“Santa dropped me a little something the day after Christmas.” Ashlyn grins even as she says it. “And it’s the best present I’ve ever gotten.”

“Oh really?” Chris says with intrigue.

“Yep. I went to a movie theater the day after Christmas to run a final live test for the app before the launch. I figured a dinky revival theater late at night with the movie E.T. playing, gonna be pretty empty and easy to pay attention to what I’m doing. And it was, except for one person…one incredible, perfect person.” She pauses there.

“Don’t make me guess!” He protests when she stops talking. “I don’t know any of these big deal computer people like you do, remember?”

“Seriously, I wouldn’t have you guess if you couldn’t easily figure it out, dipstick.” Ashlyn replies. “Think about it for like one second. Perfect person that I would get this happy about getting to spend time with…that I would call a gift. Bonus hint, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

“Come on, no fucking way!” Chris gets it as soon as she says that last part. “The sex shrink? Fuck, what’s her name? Ali!”

“Ding, ding, ding!” Ashlyn laughs.

“Holy shit! That’s insane, like what are the damn chances?” Chris says incredulously. “What happened? Did you like tell her all the sappy shit you always tell me and ask her out for real? Tell me you didn’t let her walk away again.”

“Easy with all the questions, Buster. And do you think I’d sound happy if I let her walk away?” Ashlyn lightly challenges back.

“Happy is good! Tell me that you didn’t sit through fucking E.T. like a total geek?” He asks hopefully.

“Hey now, she likes that I’m a geek at heart and E.T. is a classic.” Ashlyn retorts.

“You keep telling yourself that. Alright, like 5 minutes left here. Tell me something!” He pleads.

“I’ll give you all the details another time, but we just caught up during the movie and I walked her home. Ended up inviting her to the app launch party on New Year’s Eve, eventually pulled her away and told her all the sappy stuff that goes way beyond what I tell you. And…” She pauses for effect. “We’re officially together now. I’m so damn in love with that woman…forever in love, you know?”

“Yeeew, Tag-along look at you! You were already forever in love, ya dodo. Damn Ash, I’m happy for you. Just damn… it’s a great fucking day! And you know when I say that…” He trails off.

“I know, good days are few and far.” Ashlyn repeats what he has said way too often.

“Yeah, but I said great.” Chris corrects her. “I bet she’s just amazing. You’re amazing, so I can just imagine what this woman must be like for you to be in so deep with her. This is really great.”

“It is. So, there’s actually one more thing.” Ashlyn prefaces. “Ali told me last night that she wants to meet you…and she really meant it.” She puts it out there.

“Me?” Chris asks a bit stunned. “Why? It’s not like I’m around and she has to impress me.”

“Her words, because you’re family and someday you will be around and in our lives. And when you’re home, she wants everything to feel like home to you, even her.” She doesn’t hold back.

“Woah. That’s…fuck. She said that?” Chris practically whispers.

“Yeah. Kinda knocked me on my ass too.” Ashlyn admits.

“Like I know already, but damn Ash… this is really long haul, huh?” He states more than asks.

“It really is. Like if she isn’t it, I fucking give up.” Ashlyn smiles to herself. “Anyway, I know you have to go and you don’t have to decide now, just think about it. She said she’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with and go at your pace. She can write, talk to you on the phone, or we can work it out for her to visit eventually. Or you can totally say no. It’s really up you and absolutely no pressure.”

“No pressure?” Chris laughs. “Uh huh, like I don’t know what it would mean to you for me and her to get to know each other.”

“Well duh. But you should want to do it for you, not for me.” Ashlyn says lightly, but meaningfully.

“I’m just messin’. I don’t need time. It’s a fuck yes from me.” His voice is clear and confident.

“Yeah?” Ashlyn checks again.

“Ash, you’re all I’ve fucking got. If you think I don’t want to know this woman that has your whole damn heart and is your for-lifer, you’re fucking nuts.” Chris replies adamantly.

“Ok, I’ll tell her and we’ll figure it out.” Ashlyn confirms, everything inside feeling impossibly happier.

“Get her phone number to me so I can add it to my phone list and have her fill out the visitor forms. You know as well I as do that both those things can take months to get approval for. While we wait for all that, she can write me and I’ll write back. And I can always call your number to talk to her once she’s up for it.” Chris lays out a quick plan.

“Alright, will put a letter in the mail today with the info you need to add her to your approved caller list.” Ashlyn makes a mental note before letting out a content sigh. “Can’t wait to tell her tonight, she’s going to be really happy.”

“Obviously, I’m a celeb.” He jokes cockily.

“Chris, I feel like I’m dreaming. Just…all these life things are kinda falling into place in a way they just haven’t come together before. A little scary too, like I’m on some crazy luck streak and hoping it doesn’t run out.” She tells him honestly.

“It’s not luck, Tag-along. It’s all the stuff you absolutely earned and deserve finally catching up. About time the pile of flowers is higher than the pile of shit, right?” He says with some humor. “Damn, I really gotta go. I’ll schedule another time slot for as soon as I can.”

“Yeah, ok. Thanks for today, and for being open to her. Means a lot.” Ashlyn tells him genuinely.

“Today is great day.” He says it again so she really understands how glad he is.

“Definitely.” Ashlyn agrees. “Take care of yourself and stay safe. I love you.”

“Love you too, Tag-along. Tell Ali I said hi and that I’m excited to meet her. And to make her regret her choice once she hears my dirty jokes.” Chris chuckles loudly.

“This may have been a bad idea.” Ashlyn plays back.

“An even worse idea when you realize it means she’ll get to hear all my stories about you growing up.” Chris piles on. “No taking it back now, gotta go! Talk soon.”

“Ugh. Later, Buster.” Ashlyn groans with a wide smile as she hangs up to her brother’s deep jolly laugh, the one she hasn’t heard in far too long.

\-----

“Mmm, hi baby.” Ashlyn smiles against Ali’s lips, getting a sweet kiss before she managed to so much as take a step into the condo. She didn’t even get to use her key because the brunette opened the door before she could even reach into her pocket. She quickly steals one more and finally walks inside, dropping her overnight bag in the entrance area. “Sorry I’m late. Didn’t expect to spend over an hour on the phone with one of our programmers trying to fix what should’ve been an easy error on the app.”

“Totally ok. Missed you.” Ali keeps pecking Ashlyn’s lips even as the blonde tries to rid herself of her coat and kick off her shoes.

“I can see that.” Ashlyn snickers, hanging her coat on one of the nearby hooks and capturing Ali’s lips more deeply. “Tomorrow is gonna be rough when we have to survive the whole day at work, huh?” She asks playfully when they finally pull apart for a breath.

“Torture.” Ali agrees, dropping her head onto Ashlyn’s shoulder for a minute and relishing in the large hands holding her lower back, gentle and secure. She closes her eyes and melts further when soft lips kiss along the top of her forehead and into her hair.

“So, will we eat dinner and sleep here in the entranceway? I’m comfy either way.” Ashlyn teases even as she buries her nose into soft sable hair.

“Oh, she’s got jokes.” Ali lightly pinches her side and gets a dimpled grin in return. She takes Ashlyn’s hand and leads her over to the couch, snuggling right into her side like second nature. “How’s your brother?” She asks right away.

_Never ceases to amaze me in the best way. _Ashlyn can’t help but feel warm inside at the simple fact that Ali asked specifically how Chris was and not how the call went. It’s such a small detail, but it matters. “It was a pretty short call today, but he actually sounded really good. It’s hard to explain, but even when he’s seemingly fine, there’s this heaviness to him that I’m still getting used to. Almost like even when he’s feeling good it only goes so far. I’m not sure if that makes any sense.” Ashlyn tries to give some context.

“It does.” Ali nods. “What you’re describing sounds a lot like what I hear when I’m working with someone who feels very trapped by their circumstances. I can only imagine how that must be when a person is literally trapped by their surroundings without any way to really change it.”

“You spoil me with how it easy it is to talk to you. I have to confess that I still get a little surprised when I try to explain something and you totally get what I’m trying to say…even when my explanation is sorely lacking.” Ashlyn smiles.

“That goes both ways.” Ali smiles back, bringing Ashlyn’s hand up to her mouth and kissing it.

“Anyway, the point of all that was that today he sounded a lot lighter than usual. I expected the opposite with it being Christmas. I think I told you before that he really avoids all things outside world as a way of coping. And holidays make it more challenging to do that and are harder to ignore.” Ashlyn explains. “I mean, he still talked about some of the Christmas stuff in a skeptical way, but I could hear in his voice that he had enjoyed it.”

“I have to be honest that I don’t know much factual stuff about the prison system. I don’t want to ask you insensitive things, but I do want to learn more about him and the situation he’s in. So, if you prefer not to answer and want me to just educate myself, I will.” Ali prefaces her next question.

“You can ask me anything, no judgement. I’ve had to educate myself plenty and I’ll tell you whatever I know.” Ashlyn assures her.

“Ok. So, what happens at Christmas? Is it celebrated by the prison or is it a more individual thing?” Ali asks.

“It’s sort of both. Some inmates really get into it and do whatever they can to celebrate with allowed paper decorations in their cells or in common spaces. Chris is not one of those people. Like I said, he just tries to ignore it and act like it’s just another normal day.” Ashlyn answers. “Outside of that, the prison usually serves a holiday style meal of some sort. The biggest thing is that the prison ministry collects donations and puts together these gift bags that usually have stuff like candy, snacks, hygiene products, socks, paper, books or puzzles, and things like that.”

“Wow, I never would’ve guessed that.” Ali admits.

“Me either.” Ashlyn smiles. “He was all excited that there were Snickers bars in there this year, which apparently aren’t usually stocked in the commissary. And then a lot of the inmates trade stuff in their bags. So, he ended up with a ton more Snickers by trading cigarettes for them. He doesn’t even smoke, just buys them to trade.” She shakes her head with a little laugh. “Sounds like a fucked up Halloween or something.”

“Yeah, kinda does.” Ali moves to rest her hand on the blonde’s stomach and gives it a gentle squeeze. “I assume you must not be able to send him food?”

“Yep, his prison doesn’t allow it because it’s medium security. Some lower security prisons do apparently. I keep his commissary account maxed all the time though, so he can get whatever they stock. The selection is pretty decent.” Ashlyn replies, smiling when Ali softly kisses her. “What was that for?”

“Just because.” Ali pecks her again. “He’s lucky to have you...and you him.”

“Love you.” Ashlyn whispers, rewrapping her arm around the brunette’s shoulders and pulling her in a bit closer.

“You too.” Ali taps Ashlyn’s nose. “You said the call was short, is that usual?”

“I never know how long it will be. Depends on how busy the phones are that day. They can schedule phone time slots of 15 minutes, and then if there is open time space, the call can go up to 45min. There’s also two days a week of open phone time that anyone can use, but it’s more of a free for all and too nuts.” Ashlyn tells her. “Today was busy because it’s still near the holidays, so he was limited to 15 minutes.”

“I’m sorry, that stinks.” Ali brow furrows.

“Still got to tell him about us though.” Ashlyn grins.

“You did?” Ali perks up, both eager and a little nervous.

“Of course I did. He could hear something was up in my voice anyway…said I sounded soft.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Be glad he couldn’t see you.” Ali replies.

“Why?” Ashlyn cocks her head to the side inquisitively.

“Apparently, I’m glowing, giddy, and clearly got ‘properly laid’ last night.” Ali shakes her head. “I got called out right away by my brother, HAO, Dave, and Syd. I’m gonna guess that you’re probably as obvious as I am. So, just imagine if your brother could see you today.”

“Ha, I’m sure I’m just as obvious. And now I really can’t wait to hear about this brunch.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Not until you tell me about the rest of your conversation, Stanford.” Ali presses.

“Well, I didn’t have time to get into the details about the last few days. I’ve talked to him a lot about you before though, so he knows all the lead up to us reconnecting at least. Anyway, I briefly told him that we ran into each other at the movie and that we’re officially together now.” Ashlyn pauses, feeling Ali’s hand getting tighter on her stomach as if she’s anxious. “You ok?”

“I’ll be better when you tell me what he said.” Ali implores her.

“Relax, sweetheart.” Ashlyn moves her hand to Ali’s cheek. “He knows exactly what you mean to me and I can tell you for certain that that’s all he needs to know. He was happy for me.” She locks onto warm whiskey eyes. “After I told him, he said ‘today is a great day’. That’s not something I hear from him. He always says good days are few and far. But he said today was great…and he said it twice.”

“That makes me so happy.” Ali says sincerely. “And relieved.”

“Makes me happy too. You have nothing to be nervous about, promise.” Ashlyn assures her.

“I know. I just want to have a good relationship with him. It’s important to me.” Ali makes her intentions clear again.

“Speaking of. I told him you wanted to meet him and he said he really wants to meet you too.” Ashlyn tells her.

“He does?” Ali completely sits up in excitement.

“Yeah, he really does. I already mailed him your phone number today so he can get it added to his approved phone call list. And he wants you to fill out the visitor background check paperwork too. All of that can take months to process, so he said for you to write him in the meantime and he’ll write back.” Ashlyn answers, but is completely taken by Ali’s pure exhilaration at the news. She knew the brunette would be happy about it, but she’s so enthusiastic that it melts her heart.

“This is the best! I’m so exc…” Ali doesn’t finish before she’s pressed into the couch, Ashlyn’s lips on hers passionate and raw…one of those intensely emotional kisses they’ve shared a few times now in moments of meaningful conversation. Before she knows it, everything is spinning and she’s breathless against those wonderfully soft lips, both of them trying to get some air. “As I was saying, I’m so excited to get to know him and meet him.” She gets out playfully in between puffs of breath.

“In case you can’t tell, I love that.” Ashlyn plays back, kissing near the corner of the brunette’s mouth.

“I definitely couldn’t tell.” Ali giggles.

“I’ll give you the address and the list of what’s prohibited, and you can write him when you’re ready.” Ashlyn gets back to the conversation, sitting back up and pulling Ali back into her arms.

“I’ll write him this week.” Ali says resolutely and gets that endearing dimpled grin in response.

“Now, tell me about this brunch.” Ashlyn requests.

“Let’s order dinner first and then you can watch the video Kyle made of it while we wait.” Ali comes up with a plan.

“Can’t wait. Do you have anything in mind for food?” Ashlyn asks.

“I’m sure you know what’s around here as well as I do, but there’s an amazing middle eastern place nearby that delivers. They have the best falafel salad and everything I’ve tried there is really good.” Ali suggest.

“Please tell me you’re talking about Moustache Pitza.” Ashlyn says hopefully.

“I totally am. Of course you know it.” Ali giggles. “So good, right?”

“Freakin’ love that place. The chicken kebab with the lentil puree is insanely good. Settled, we’ll order from there.” Ashlyn decides.

It doesn’t take long before Ali calls in the order and plops right back against Ashlyn on the couch, pulling up the video on her phone. “Food will be here in like 45 minutes. So, brunch went extremely well and Syd’s reaction was so worth it. Everyone’s reaction was great, but her face was the best.”

“Really sorry I missed it.” Ashlyn says regretfully.

“Don’t be. We’re on day three, there will be plenty of time spent with all of our people soon enough.” Ali replies warmly and gets a nod. “Here, watch it.” She hands Ashlyn her phone and watches her face as the recorded brunch unfolds. She can’t help but join in when the blonde’s deep belly laugh fills the room several times, mesmerized by the way even her eyes smile as she watches the video.

“Thoughts?” Ali asks playfully when Ashlyn hands her phone back.

“So, so many. Where to start even?” Ashlyn runs through it all in her head, still snickering softly. “So, ‘Ruby’?” She questions with a raised eyebrow.

“Ugh god.” Ali groans to herself. “I admittedly have a massive celebrity crush on Ruby Rose.” She starts there.

“Solid choice.” Ashlyn laughs. “Go on.”

“Obviously, I never told anyone who you were as my client, but I did talk about you anonymously. The first time I told my brother about you and mentioned how I attracted to you I was, he asked if you were ‘Ruby Rose hot’.” Ali shakes her head at herself. “I told him you had a similar aesthetic vibe, but that you were way hotter. And that sparked a whole thing where he nicknamed you Ms. Hotter-than-Ruby Rose. Which then got shortened to Ruby, and everyone else followed suit. Embarrassing, I know.”

“That is priceless!” Ashlyn laughs in amusement. “I’ve met her twice by the way.”

“Ruby Rose?!” Ali questions incredulously.

“Yep. We spend over an hour talking tattoos the second time. I used to go to a lot of high profile celebrity events once Instagram got popular and I was in Cali.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Oh my god! I can’t even imagine the people you’ve met.” It just hits Ali now how many famous people Ashlyn must’ve rubbed elbows with.

“I’m actually friends with Ruby on Instagram. I might have to slide into her DMs to tell her this story.” Ashlyn teases.

“Don’t you dare!” Ali warns.

“Kidding, baby.” Ashlyn kisses her cheek. “I’m thrilled that I’m hotter though.”

“So much hotter. Ruby who?” Ali smirks and moves to straddle the blonde.

“Really good answer.” Ashlyn buries her fingers into the brunette’s hair and pulls her down into a heated kiss.

“Pretty sure you said you had so many thoughts about that brunch reveal.” Ali moves to kiss along the blonde’s jaw and works down her neck, sucking softly when she hears a tiny little moan. “I want to hear those thoughts still.”

“They can wait.” Ashlyn mumbles, her eyes still closed.

“Nope.” Ali pulls away gets off Ashlyn’s lap to a loud whine. “Besides, we still have dinner to eat. And if we keep this up, we’ll never make it.”

“Fiiine.” Ashlyn opens her eyes with a frown. “It’s not fair when you tempt with those sexy thighs and then take them away, Harvard.” She runs her hand along the brunette’s upper leg.

“Awww, poor Stanford.” Ali coos mockingly. “Now keep talking.”

“Well, your brother is a sassy little instigator with no filter and I totally love it. Just like Pinoe. His little commentary throughout the whole thing was hilarious.” Ashlyn snickers again just thinking about how the video ended with his dreamy little sigh after he said ‘she’s such a queen’.

“He’s the best, even though I could wring his neck sometimes.” Ali smiles.

“He and I are gonna have a whole lot of fun, I can feel it.” Ashlyn adds.

“As long as it’s not at my expense, I’m all for it.” Ali cautions lightly.

“Never, beautiful.” Ashlyn tries to sound convincing, but fails.

“Mhmm.” Ali eyes her skeptically.

“Ok, maybe just a little at your expense.” Ashlyn gives her a cheesy smile.

“Watch it, Stanford.” Ali playfully pokes the blonde’s chest.

“As if you won’t get even by ganging up on me with my friends.” Ashlyn contests.

“Your friends don’t seem nearly as bad as Kyle.” Ali counters.

“What if I told you that they were actually on their best behavior at the launch party.” Ashlyn says knowingly.

“Oh gosh, really?” Ali eyes widen a bit.

“Truly.” Ashlyn chortles at the look on her on face.

“Well ok then. Come prepared for multiple Kyles at dinner Wednesday night, got it.” Ali replies before silently mouthing wow.

“Exactly. Lucky for you, I’m the one who will be on the receiving end of any teasing.” Ashlyn tells her.

“I suppose I can forgive some fun at my expense once you and Kyle get going then.” Ali concedes.

“I win.” Ashlyn goads her. “Anyway, moving on. That was a spectacular amount of fucks that came out of Sydney’s mouth. Her face was fantastic!”

“Wasn’t it?! She looked like a guppy with her mouth opening and closing before she said anything.” Ali laughs.

“She totally did! The fact that she kept the baby from you until you told them was pretty funny and also genius.” Ashlyn says. “I’m impressed that you told her about the lobster cake. Cause if you think I’m not gonna let you live it down…”

“Ugh, I knooow. I’m sure it will come up now like every time I see her.” Ali groans. “But she’s so good at sniffing things out that it would’ve come out eventually. I figured it would be worse if she found out later rather than sooner.”

“That’s true. As I said before, that woman is such a bad ass.” Ashlyn smiles before getting serious. “So, did you really say what she said you did a couple Christmases ago…the deserving this love thing?”

“I did.” Ali nods. “It was just Syd, HAO, and I…and HAO couldn’t understand why I had thrown away my rule book and let myself fall in love with you so deeply when I knew we had to end it. She’s known me my whole life, and she couldn’t fathom why I would suddenly do something that seemed so drastic and out of character to her. So, she asked me why.”

“What’d you say?” Ashlyn asks.

“I told them that I didn’t know I could love someone the way I do you, but more so that I had no idea I could be loved so strongly in return. That someone would care so much to really get to know me and understand me, and then love me all that much more even with the dark life experiences I harbor. The fact that I was so comfortable with letting you know me in such a deep way. I couldn’t stop myself from loving you every second that I could. And for the first time, I knew I deserved every bit of the love you gave me in return. That I deserved you…that I deserve what we have right now.” Ali recounts, leaning in for a lingering kiss. “Syd said it was the smartest thing she’d ever heard me say.”

“She was right.” Ashlyn smiles. “You deserve so much more than me, sweetheart…but, I can promise you’ll always have all of me.”

“All I ever want and need. Also, right back at you.” Ali steals another kiss. “So, what other thoughts are in there?” She gently taps Ashlyn’s forehead and gets them back to the conversation.

“I loved how truly happy they were for you. They’re so clearly loving and protective of you, it’s wonderful. Everything about them is so inviting.” Ashlyn says warmly. “I’m sure it also means Sydney is gonna give me the third degree at some point, but I’ll gladly take it. I’m looking forward to spending time with all of them and getting to know them.”

“They can’t wait to spend time with you too.” Ali beams.

“HAO and Dave are so down to earth.” Ashlyn remarks. “They kinda seem to have like an old soul vibe even as a couple. I really dig that. Not to mention that I already think they’re amazing from what you once told me about that Doctors Without Borders stuff they did.

“You nailed it. They are both super chill and just so easygoing and nice, always have their shit together. They have this incredible comfort and ease with each other too…had it since they were kids. They’re those people that you could show up a frantic mess at their front door at 3am and they’d have you calmed down and righted in no time.” Ali affirms. “Of course, you didn’t get to see much of that side of HAO in the video because her biggest weakness is impatience with surprises.” She adds with a mischievous giggle.

“So cruel, Harvard.” Ashlyn teases.

“Eh, it’s not often I get to torture them a little.” Ali shrugs even as the doorbell rings.

“That was fast.” Ashlyn looks at her watch, noticing that it only took about half an hour. “I’ll go grab it.”

“I’ll get some plates and stuff.” Ali heads to the kitchen while the blonde goes to the door. “I was thinking we could just keep it simple and eat on the couch.” She suggests when Ashlyn comes in with the bag of food.

“Let’s do it.” Ashlyn nods, walking back to the couch and laying everything out on the coffee table while Ali brings plates, silverware, and napkins.

“What can I get you to drink? Water, beer, wine, soda, or iced tea?” Ali asks.

“Water is good, thank you. I kicked my ass working out this morning and I’m still not rehydrated.” Ashlyn replies.

“Can’t have that. Water it is.” Ali smiles to herself, remembering that Ashlyn’s body always looks and feels all that more muscular on a day she’s worked out hard. “So, any other brunch discussion?” She asks as she comes back with a water for Ashlyn and an ice tea for herself.

“Other than being thrilled that it went well and that the reactions were superb, not really. Although, I am curious about what happened after the end of the video. Like did you ever see the baby or did Sydney totally forget he was there after all that shock?” Ashlyn asks with a snicker as she digs into her food.

“She eventually remembered, but only because I reminded her.” Ali laughs. “Let’s see, all you really missed was Dom, Syd’s husband, being just as excited about the news. I filled them all in about how we reconnected. Also Syd decided that you should use her company for marketing now. Oh, and she said you’re expected in Chicago at the end of the month when I visit her for a weekend.” She throws it out there casually.

“Really?” Ashlyn looks up from her food.

“Yep. She said, and I quote ‘She has a nephew to meet and I’m not taking no for an answer. You can tell her I said that I expect her to come with you and that’s final. She knows I mean business.’” Ali does her best impression of Sydney’s voice.

“That was impressive, you sounded just like her.” Ashlyn chuckles even as she feels herself getting a little emotional about Sydney’s choice of words.

“Years of practice.” Ali winks, reaching over to squeeze the blonde’s hand at seeing her eyes get a little glassy.

“When’s the trip?” Ashlyn asks and puts her food down.

“I’m supposed to leave early on Friday the 29th and come back that Sunday afternoon. I still have to book the flight though.” Ali answers, watching Ashlyn pull out her phone and scroll a bit.

“I’m scheduled to be ‘on call’ that weekend to oversee resolution of any errors or security issues that come up, but I can do that remotely. Worst case, I’d have to step away and work for a couple hours if something happened to come up. But I can definitely make it...if you want me to go with you that is.” Ashlyn tells her, careful not to make any assumptions.

“Of course I want you to go with me! How is that even a question?!” Ali looks at her in playful disbelief.

“Well I didn’t want to assume!” Ashlyn counters with a smile.

“Can’t wait for you to meet my favorite boy.” Ali says contently.

“Don’t let Kyle hear you say that.” Ashlyn jokes.

“Please, he already knows his place.” Ali deadpans. “You ok?” She asks when Ashlyn stays quiet, her eyes slightly glassy again.

“Yeah. Just…I have a nephew.” Ashlyn whispers, her voice awestruck as it really hits her.

“You do, babe.” Ali gives her a vibrant smile, her heartrate picking up at the joyfulness in the blonde’s voice…at the larger realization of how everyone important in their lives is already starting to get stitched together into one family with the two of them at the center. “Don’t forget you’re dating the godmama though, so you’re in for way more than a nephew, Stanford.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Harvard. Hottest godmama ever.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows, melting at Ali’s melodic laugh. “That kid is about to get spoiled out of his mind.” She adds eagerly.

“I am already all over it! I’m thinking we plan for a tricked-out power wheels Porsche to be delivered the weekend we’re there.” Ali suggests.

“Yaaas!” Ashlyn high-fives her. “But I’m telling Sydney it was your idea if she gets mad.”

“Traitor!” Ali nudges her.

“I’ve seen her business side and she can be totally intimidating.” Ashlyn defends herself.

“That’s fair. I’ve totally seen her go bitch-mode on a client that bailed on her after she started the work. Definitely intimidating.” Ali concedes before playfully raising an eyebrow. “Thought you were supposed to be an intimating bad ass yourself?”

“Sure, until I open my mouth and everyone realizes I’m not.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I go into charm-mode over bitch-mode.”

“Facts. You are so soft, babe.” Ali leans her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder for a second. “And I love it.” She smiles up at her before going back to eating her dinner. “I suppose handling Syd’s wrath falls under godmama duties, so I’ll protect you.” She jokes.

“Thank you, lovely.” Ashlyn gives her an over-the-top grin. “Here, try some of this.” She puts some of her chicken and the lentil puree on the brunette’s plate.

“That is really damn good.” Ali says approvingly after trying it. “Should’ve known you would pick something better than my choice at one of my favorite places.”

“Do you want to switch?” Ashlyn offers.

_You have to be the most selfless person in the world. _“You’re the sweetest, but I still love my falafel salad.” Ali declines with a nose crinkling smile. “Have some of mine.” She moves to try and put some on Ashlyn’s plate.

“That’s ok, I’ve tried it before. You’re right that it’s the best around.” Ashlyn says politely.

“No really have some, I swear it isn’t a beta test this time.” Ali promises. “I never eat all of it anyway.” She adds as she succeeds at putting some on the blonde’s plate.

“Sharing your food. You must really love me, Harvard.” Ashlyn says in jest.

“Ya think?” Ali nudges her gently. “You should never be jealous if you see me giving someone else attention, just if you see me sharing my food with them.” She deadpans.

“As much as I appreciate the heads up, I’m so not a jealous person.” Ashlyn responds good-naturedly.

“I’d say the same for myself, but I have to confess that I wanted to slap that flirty smile right off Kameryn’s face for a minute there at the launch party.” Ali grimaces impishly.

“Oh god, can’t blame you for that one. I was ready to kill her.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Apparently, she thought it was a great idea to get a jealous reaction out of you so I would notice and then the two of us would be prompted to act on it because we’d both realize there were feelings between us.”

“Eh, well it kinda worked.” Ali has to admit.

“The other day she told me that she owed you a drink for that little stunt.” Ashlyn recounts. “I told her she owed you like five.”

“We’ll go with three.” Ali laughs.

“Beyond fair.” Ashlyn concurs, eating a few more bites of food before diving into something she was about to bring up a few minutes ago. “So, speaking of godmothers…you never mentioned that Nancy was yours.”

“Not intentionally. She and I have always just been really good at maintaining a colleague relationship. Especially when it comes to me seeing clients that she referred me.” Ali assures her. “Maybe too good if I’m being honest.” She adds ruefully.

“She mentioned that.” Ashlyn nods.

“Can I ask how you figured it out?” Ali asks.

“I was in her office for an appointment shortly after we ended our sessions and I saw the same picture on her bookshelf that I had seen like hundreds of times before. Only this time, I had gotten to know you and I saw it completely differently.” Ashlyn puts her food down and finds warm whiskey eyes. “You look just like your mother. Same exact beautiful smile.”

Ali puts down her own plate and pulls the blonde into a hug as best she can, burying her face into the crook of her neck. “Thank you.”

“Just speaking the truth.” Ashlyn kisses her forehead a few times and rubs her back gently. “I asked Nancy about the picture and she told me it was from when she and her best friend Debbie graduated from Columbia together. I put the rest together from there and Nancy and I talked about it a bit. I didn’t know your mom went to Columbia too.”

“Yep, when I said I followed in her footsteps…I was all the way in.” Ali pecks Ashlyn’s lips before going back to her dinner. “Did Nancy tell you about how I first started working in her practice? And that she’s the one who learned about sex surrogates and pointed me in that direction?”

“She did.” Ashlyn nods. “Is that something you regret in terms of your relationship with her?” She asks at having heard the somewhat remorseful tone when the brunette said she and Nancy were too good at being colleagues.

“I don’t regret it because it brought me to a great place, but I do wish I’d gone about it differently.” Ali replies candidly. “I was more impacted by my Mom’s death than I realized at the time. Most people would’ve clung to Nancy in that situation as someone who was family and the closest thing to my Mom. I guess with having lost my Dad too…I just went the opposite way. I was afraid to get close to her as like a parent figure and then lose her too.” Even now she can hear that it sounds a bit immature. “So as irrational as it was, I kept her at an arm’s length when I never should have.”

“It’s not irrational. You were deeply hurting after not even coming close to healing massive wound from your Dad. It makes sense that you would protect yourself in any way you could.” Ashlyn reasons.

“And then I used us working together professionally as an excuse to keep things that way over the years. In part because, even though I was thankful for her help and guidance, I wanted to feel like I had worked for and earned any success I had.” Ali continues. “Took until relatively recently to realize I’ve come far from when my Mom died, and that I can have the relationship I always should’ve had with Nancy.”

Ashlyn takes it in, finishing her last bite of food and taking a long sip of water before turning her body more towards Ali. “What happened recently that changed things?” She asks curiously.

“For starters, not being a surrogate anymore put me in a better position to not have to hold such a professional line with Nancy because we won’t be working simultaneously with the same clients.” Ali pauses to finish her food before being totally honest. “But really, you happened.”

“Me?” Ashlyn questions quizzically.

“You were the first thing in a very, very long time that she and I have been able to talk about both professionally and personally.” Ali smiles. “She was really the only one I could talk to about you where I didn’t have to hold anything back. And when I did that, it was clear that she was there for me both as my Godmother and for advice as my colleague. Took me until those conversations to see that she had always been there for me that way, and that it was me who was holding myself back from it.” She reaches to lace her fingers with Ashlyn’s. “So yeah, it was you.”

“It was definitely you two and not me, but glad I could be the conversation starter.” Ashlyn smiles warmly.

“You’re a fabulous topic of discussion.” Ali laughs. “I promise we don’t always talk about you though. We’ve progressed by leaps and bounds. She and I catch up a lot now and have plenty of coffee dates and phone calls about all kinds of life things. And I even sometimes call her Nancy Fancy Pants, which is what Kyle and I called her as kids.” She reveals.

“I’m so calling her that next time I talk to her!” Ashlyn guffaws before her face drops. “Oh fuck.”

“What?” Ali asks in concern at the slight look of panic on the blonde’s face.

“Shit. I forgot I called Nancy to talk some things through the day before the launch party. So she knows everything about us meeting up at the theater and that I was planning to pursue a relationship with you. I’ve gotten so caught up with everything…well, she has no idea what happened with us!” Ashlyn puts a hand on her forehead. “She must be wondering what the hell happened.”

“Oh god, poor Nancy!” Ali commiserates. “And you know she would never cross the line by checking in with me about it. Nor would she pry with you unless you contacted her first or a lot of time had passed.”

“Fuck, I feel really bad.” Ashlyn grimaces.

“If it makes you feel any better, she was leaving for a trip to Italy with her sister on New Year’s Day. So while I’m sure she’s wondering, I highly doubt it’s killing her as she explores Venice.” Ali giggles lightly.

“That makes me feel a little better.” Ashlyn says slightly relieved. “We should text her or something.”

“Good idea.” Ali grabs her phone and slides closer to the bright lamp by the couch. “Come here.” She motions for Ashlyn to get closer and puts her phone camera in selfie mode. “This is our first picture together, so make it a good one.” She works to find the best lighting.

“You’re right, we’ve never taken a picture together.” Ashlyn is struck by the fact that neither of them ever thought to take one. She muses on it for a second, wondering if perhaps it was instinctual in way… a memento neither of them needed to torture themselves with during their time apart. “Why do you think we didn’t?”

“Probably the same reason you made sure that the video message on my Lovebug app only played once…better that we didn’t have one more thing to obsess over while we were apart.” Ali reasons.

“Yeah, I thought the same thing just now. We were also just so caught up in every moment together and we never let anything break into that.” Ashlyn says thoughtfully, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and getting snug for the picture.

“That too. One of my favorite things about being with you is that it’s so easy to just fall into comfortable space and let everything else go.” Ali says sweetly. “Now show me my favorite dimple.” She adjusts her phone, leaning her head against the blonde’s cheek and letting the smile that was already on her lips naturally take over her whole face when she sees Ashlyn’s dimple appear.

“Wow, Harvard. Those are selfie skills!” Ashlyn is impressed by how good the picture is on the first try, both of them looking so genuinely happy.

“It’s on my resume.” Ali jokes and taps the button to turn the timer on. “Now, we’re also gonna need one of…” She reaches to hold Ashlyn’s face with her free hand and pulls her in for a kiss, doing her best to hold the phone steady even as her heart jumps and her skin tingles like always.

“We might need _a lot_ more of those.” Ashlyn smirks, going right back in for another kiss and feeling Ali’s phone drop onto the couch as they deepen it.

“Nancy…text…” Ali mumbles in reminder between sloppy kisses.

“Right.” Ashlyn mutters back, tugging the brunette’s bottom lip before pulling back with a grin. “Let me see that last one first.” She takes a few seconds to look over both pictures on Ali’s phone, admittedly awestruck to see how they look together. It’s like they naturally belong beside each other, the comfort between them so clear in these pictures. “I always love how you look…but looking at this, I love how I look with you.”

“Same. I look at myself in these and all I can think is that this is where I’m supposed to be. Like we’re both supposed to be right here. I don’t know how you get that from a picture, but that’s what I see.” Ali divulges.

“Mind reader. I just pretty much had the exact same thought.” Ashlyn squeezes her lightly with the arm still wrapped around her shoulders. “Might have to send that kiss picture to Ruby Rose and tell her to eat her fucking heart out.” She chuckles loudly and earns herself a pinch on the thigh as she watches the brunette type a text to Nancy with an attachment of the photo of them smiling.

“There.” Ali holds the phone so Ashlyn can see the text, getting a nod of approval before she sends it.

_Ali Krieger: Hey Fancy Pants, Happy New Year! I hope you’re having a fabulous time in Venice so far. Let’s plan to have coffee when you get back, I have this amazing new girlfriend I want you to meet ;-) Safe travels. PS- We’re both beyond sorry we left you hanging without an update!_

“Will you send those pictures to me too?” Ashlyn requests.

“Of course.” Ali quickly complies before looking at the dirty plates on the coffee table. “How about I clear these dishes and then we can watch something?”

“How about _I_ clear the dishes and you pick us something to watch?” Ashlyn amends.

“You spoil me, but I’m not sure you can figure out my lowly dishwasher that doesn’t have its own app.” Ali deadpans.

“Please baby, I could probably re-program your dishwasher and create an app for it. Think I can handle getting it to run.” Ashlyn says cockily. “I got it.” She sits forward and starts reaching for a plate.

“That actually would not surprise me.” Ali giggles, pulling Ashlyn back for a soft kiss before conceding. “Thank you. Anything in mind that you want to watch?”

“Nope. I’m up for whatever.” Ashlyn replies, already on her way into the kitchen. It only takes her a few minutes to take care of the dishes and head back into the living room. “Dishwasher started without a hitch or even a single swear word.” She announces proudly as she plops down on the couch.

“My hero.” Ali pretends to swoon, curling her legs up on the couch and tucking herself under Ashlyn’s right arm.

“What’d you pick?” Ashlyn asks, seeing only a paused black screen on the TV.

“I scrolled through Netflix and saw a real classic that I’ve always loved. And I have a feeling I’m about to suddenly love it even more. You up for an old movie?” Ali says coyly.

“Of course, I love classics. Which one?” Ashlyn inquires.

“_An Affair to Remember_.” Ali replies with a smile.

“Hmm. Can’t imagine why you’d love a movie centered in NYC about two people who met in unexpected circumstances and fell in love before having to part ways, only to find their way back to each other despite unlikely odds.” Ashlyn taps her chin.

“Yeah, no idea.” Ali plays into it.

“I love this movie too.” Ashlyn says sincerely, stealing a lingering kiss before Ali starts the movie.

Ashlyn tries really hard to watch the movie, but her eyes keep drifting to the brunette’s face, obsessed with the curve of her lips, her long soft eyelashes, the barely noticeable flare of her nostrils when she slightly smiles at something in the movie. _I never want to stop looking at you._

Ali couldn’t be more comfortable if she tried, wrapped up in Ashlyn’s warmth and held perfectly as always. She can see in her peripheral vision that the blonde is watching her intently and it makes her heart race. Ashlyn’s hand that has been absentmindedly running up and down her side for the last half hour is becoming less soothing and more enticing with every passing minute. _As if I had any chance of making it through this movie._

_Fuck, if you keep doing that… _Ashlyn tries to keep her breathing even as tingling warmth spreads through her body, emanating from the brunette’s hand now stroking up and down her thigh. Still, her eyes stayed locked on Ali’s face which is unchanging other than looking the slightest bit flushed and she can’t tell for sure if the brunette is even aware of the effect she’s having.

When Ashlyn’s fingertips brush the bare skin along the hem of her pants, Ali erupts into goosebumps, knowing there’s no way she can hold out much longer. “Thought you loved this movie?” She opts to catch her off guard, quickly looking up and catching the blonde staring.

“I do, but I love something else way more.” Ashlyn lays it on thick, unfazed by being caught.

“So much charm.” Ali keeps her hand moving along the blonde’s inner thigh, getting lost in the enamored look in those green-swirled hazel eyes.

“I want to say one more thing about the brunch video.” Ashlyn gets a nod from Ali and moves one hand to hold her face, long fingers reaching the back of the brunette’s neck. “You’re my endgame too.” She says softly, that one word Ali so confidently spoke to her friends etched into her heart from the moment she heard it.

“Duh.” Ali whispers playfully even as she climbs into Ashlyn’s lap, capturing her lips in a tongue dueling kiss that leaves her reeling in mere moments.

The movie goes unwatched, clothes hitting the floor piece by piece until they’re stumbling up the stairs with hands still wandering and mouths desperate to stay on each other. Hours pass with round after round of pleasured explosion, alternating between slow adorations of every inch of skin and intense spurts of raw passion, between sweet whispered words and needy demands… the journey to the top perfectly balanced every time no matter the means of release.

“Alex…god…” Ashlyn gets out through stuttered breaths, watching Ali climb up her body one more time among countless others tonight.

“Yep.” Ali smirks and kisses her sweetly, not bothering to wipe her mouth off first. “Love you, angel.” She lets all her weight fall onto the chiseled body underneath her, resting her head on the blonde’s chest and letting out a content sigh. She listens to Ashlyn’s steady heartbeat against her ear, finding tranquility in the rising and falling of her chest and the large hands gently rubbing her back.

“Al?” Ashlyn’s voice cuts through the dim room, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Mhmm?” Ali hums in reply.

“I know we already said…” Ashlyn tries to shake off the post-sex haze so she can get this right, her voice soft but direct. “I don’t want to spend a single night without you ever again.”

Ali smiles to herself, picking her head up to find those amazing hazel eyes. “Me either.”

“Ok.” Ashlyn smiles back at her.

“Ok.” Ali confirms.

Both of them know that the logistics of making that a reality will obviously be a process, likely one that goes through a lot of stages, but it doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that they’re on the same page, in the same place, with the same expectations, and harboring the same dreams.

They kiss lazily for a long time, their movements getting slower with every passing minute, neither willing to let go of the closeness and that ever present warm tingle.

“We should sleep.” Ali is the first to pull away, feeling herself starting to drift off mid-kiss.

“Mmkay. Time is it?” Ashlyn asks, but keeps kissing her softly again.

“1:42am.” Ali replies after lifting herself up enough to see the small digital clock on her nightstand.

“Oof, the morning is going to hurt.” Ashlyn groans.

“Tell me about it.” Ali agrees. “Still worth it.”

“Always.” Ashlyn pulls her back down into her arms.

“I’m gonna go pee and run down to grab our phones so we can set alarms. Last thing we need to wake up to is dead phones and being late for work.” Ali doesn’t let herself get too comfortable, knowing she’ll easily dissolve into her girl’s arms and fall asleep before she can accomplish the tasks she just said. “What time do you need to be up?”

“Like 7:00am if I want to shower. Crystal is picking me up here at 8:30am.” Ashlyn tells her.

“Perfect, same time for me. I’ll set an alarm. Where’s your phone charger?” Ali asks.

“In my bag, outer zipped pocket.” Ashlyn replies groggily.

“Ok, I’ll bring it up and plug your phone in. Need anything while I’m up?” Ali checks.

“You’re the best, thank you. I’m good.” Ashlyn yawns.

“Be right back.” Ali goes to get up, but gets pulled back down. “What?”

“I love you, sweetheart. You’re amazing…beautiful…wonderful, all of it. I’m so lucky.” Ashlyn voice is thick, her exhaustion audible.

“I love you too, Ash. I’m the lucky one.” Ali kisses her sweetly, adoring Ashlyn’s sleepy and sated little grin. “Close your eyes, I’ll be back in a minute.” She watches Ashlyn comply and finally gets up, making a quick bathroom trip before going downstairs to turn everything off and grab their phones along with Ashlyn’s bag.

When Ali gets back upstairs, she’s greeted by Ashlyn’s soft snore. She hurries to find Ashlyn’s charger, smiling to herself when she plugs in the blonde’s phone and sees that her lock screen has already been set to the picture of the two of them locked in a kiss. “You’re so fucking cute.” She whispers, admiring it until the screen goes black. She sets an alarm on her own phone and quietly gets back into bed so she won’t wake Ashlyn.

Fighting her eyes to stay open, Ali can’t help but watch the blonde so peacefully sleeping on her belly. Something about knowing that even unconsciously Ashlyn feels totally at ease and open to her with every single vulnerability…it feels good inside, like another seal on the promise that they’ll always be together somehow no matter what form it takes or what it looks like. _You’re really my endgame._

Ali pulls the blanket over them, half draping herself over Ashlyn’s back and slipping an arm around her waist. “So many sweet dreams, my love.” She kisses the back of her shoulder and nuzzles into messy blonde hair, giving in to her own blissful slumber.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

**January 4, 2021**

“Nooo…but also yes.” Ali mumbles sleepily, enjoying the soft lips flitting across her collarbone even though her body begs her not to wake up. “Tell me it’s not morning yet…and also keep doing that.”

“Unfortunately, it’s morning. I turned your alarm off before it went off so you could sleep another five minutes.” Ashlyn informs her, working up her neck now with tiny kisses.

“How are you even awake?” Ali can’t manage to open her eyes yet.

“Woke up to your cold toes under my calves at like 6:30am.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Sorry, babe.” Ali mutters apologetically.

“Totally ok, you’re still really warm and it was nice to watch you sleep for a while.” Ashlyn says sweetly, kissing all over the brunette’s face.

“Ok, ok, I’m up.” Ali finally opens her eyes, beyond glad she did at seeing the bright dimpled smile that greets her. “You’re so gorgeous.”

“Worth waking up for?” Ashlyn asks playfully.

“More like worth skipping work for and going back to bed with.” Ali replies hopefully.

“Nice try, beautiful. I don’t think your clients would appreciate that though.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“No, but I would.” Ali giggles. “Good morning, love.” She chastely kisses Ashlyn’s lips.

“Good morning, sweetheart.” Ashlyn returns the sentiment.

“Do I smell coffee?” Ali sniffs the air.

“Mhmm. Right there on your nightstand.” Ashlyn motions to the mug she put there a few minutes ago.

“You seriously found the coffee and figured out my coffee machine?” Ali is taken by the sweet and very domestic gesture.

“It’s a coffee machine, Al. Not that hard. I’m a programmer, remember?” Ashlyn laughs.

“You’re the beeest.” She sits up and eagerly reaches for the mug, taking a long sip and letting the toasted flavor roll over her tongue. “This is seriously my coffee from my cupboard? Made in my coffee machine on the counter?” She raises an eyebrow skeptically.

“Um, pretty sure we established that already. So, yes.” Ashlyn scratches the back of her head. “Why, is it ok?”

“Fucking figures you’d somehow make it a million times better than anything I have ever made come out of that coffee machine. How on earth?” Ali says in disbelief.

“Oh, well I have some tricks. I was just glad you had the two things I needed.” Ashlyn explains. “First, add an extra scoop of coffee to make it a little stronger. Then add a teaspoon of sugar and a sprinkle of cinnamon to the grounds before brewing it. Brings out the flavor and takes away the bitterness despite the extra strength.”

“You’re like a sexy mad scientist and it’s doing things to me.” Ali smiles devilishly. “Also, you’ll be making the coffee from now on. Your own fault for being so good at it.”

“I can live with that. Should I tell you that I did it naked?” Ashlyn plays into the wanting look the brunette is giving her.

“Don’t you even.” Ali playfully warns. “We somehow still have to manage to shower together and behave ourselves if we have any chance of getting to work on time.”

“Monday’s suuuuuck.” Ashlyn whines. “Well, best Monday waking up to you of course…but still. By the way, I think Nancy texted you back. I obviously didn’t read it though.”

“I totally forgot it would be the middle of the night in Italy when I sent that text last night.” Ali reaches for her phone, seeing the text alert with Nancy’s name on the screen and opening it.

_Nancy Merriman: While now that I can relax, Venice will be much better! You two were practically killing me. I’m really happy for you both and can’t wait for that coffee date so I can meet this new gem of yours ;-) Very Happy New Year!_

Ali hands Ashlyn the phone so she can read it, the two of them just exchanging a meaningful smile. “Alright, come on Stanford.” Ali gets up and leads Ashlyn into the bathroom, turning on the shower and letting the water warm up while they brush their teeth.

“Do I really have to keep my hands to myself?” Ashlyn asks flirtatiously as they get ready to get into the shower.

“I’m counting on you not.” Ali smirks. “We have 15 minutes to be out of this shower.” She sets a timer on her phone and holds it up to show the blonde. “Go!” She presses the start button.

“I can so work with that.” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows. She gets right down to business, washing her hair in record time even as she tries not to get too worked up at the brunette dragging a soapy washcloth all over her body. The two of them switch places to get Ali clean before Ashlyn clears the fog from the glass shower door with her hand so she can see Ali’s phone. “7 minutes left.”

“7 minutes in heaven.” Ali barely has time to wink before Ashlyn has her locked in a fiery kiss that takes her breath away.

“5 minutes in heaven.” Ashlyn chuckles through puffing breaths into Ali’s neck after looking over at the phone again, the two of them still buried inside each other after coming apart together against the glass shower door.

“Holy fuck.” Ali releases her grip on the blonde’s upper ass cheek, knowing for sure that she left five perfect fingernail imprints in the soft skin. Not to mention the set of teeth marks that are probably gracing the top of her own shoulder.

“My thoughts exactly.” Ashlyn kisses her slow and soft, slipping her fingers out and leaving feather light strokes across the brunette’s folds as always to bring her fully down.

“Still 7 minutes in heaven, cause I’m not giving up a second of you doing that.” Ali leans her head back against the shower door and closes her eyes, moving her hands to massage Ashlyn’s shoulders while she relishes in the soothing touch between her legs that makes it increasingly harder to stand as her muscles relax.

The both groan loudly when Ali’s phone beeps, settling for one more long kiss before finally drying off and getting ready.

“Maybe not the best timing, but can I ask you something important?” Ashlyn asks, watching Ali do her makeup at her vanity now that she’s done getting ready herself.

“Of course, what’s up?” Ali questions in reply.

“I was just wondering earlier this morning…well, are you ready for everything that would potentially come with us being openly together? Or do you want to keep it private for a while? I’m fine going either way.” Ashlyn asks.

“What do you mean?” Ali stops applying her mascara and turns to look at her quizzically.

“Just that…well, you saw what happened with me and Luz. Granted, you’re not running for office and under public scrutiny, but I’m still me.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I’m sure I don’t warrant front page news anymore, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be news. I guess I’m just wondering how you feel about it, and knowing it’s a possibility, how you want to navigate things?”

“Oh.” Ali takes it in for a second, getting up and going to sit beside Ashlyn on the bed and taking her hand. “Honestly, Ash… I’m happy with every single one of the choices we have made, and I’m even happier to be with you. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone has to say or not say about it. If people want to dig and gossip, let them. I have nothing to hide. I know exactly who I am and exactly who you are, nothing else matters to me. If you want us to be more private, I completely understand that and am totally fine with it, but you don’t have to do it for my sake.”

“Are you sure?” Ashlyn asks with a little smile on her lips, squeezing the brunette’s hand.

“Never been more sure.” Ali kisses her cheek. “Are you?” She asks seriously, not completely clear on where Ashlyn stands on things.

“Please, I have the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world by my side. If you think I don’t want to shout that from the rooftops, you’re out of your mind, Harvard.” Ashlyn leans in for a proper kiss.

“Done deal, we shout it from the rooftops then. Just don’t wake the neighbors, Stanford charm.” Ali pinches her cheek and goes back to the vanity to finish her makeup.

\---

Ali sits down at her desk and tries to refocus herself for her next client that will be here in twenty minutes. She yawns, her mind drifting to being snuggled up in Ashlyn’s arms tonight and making a mental note to pack some extra clothes that she can just leave at her place. She pulls her phone out of her desk drawer, her face lighting up when she sees a text from Ashlyn.

_Ashlyn: I don’t know how I ever survived a minute away from you, it’s torture. Hope you’re having the most wonderful morning. I love you so much, Alex. Walking up to the rooftop right now ;-)_

“I’m so fucking in love.” Ali whispers to herself, holding the phone to her heart for a second before typing a text back.

_Alex Krieger: Total torture! Miss you & hope your day is wonderful too. Can’t wait to see you later. I love you oodles, Ash. Don’t earn yourself a noise complaint ;-)_

Ali sends the text and then taps the Instagram notification icon on her phone assuming that Kyle must have posted something. A beaming smile takes over her whole face when she sees that she was wrong. Ashlyn posted both of their pictures from last night and tagged her, the caption melting her into a puddle.

_I’m finally right where I belong. I love you @abkrieger _♥_ #shoutingfromtherooftops_

It has only been up for twenty minutes and it already has almost 15,000 likes and over 200 comments. It surprises her for a second until she remembers that Ashlyn has over 7 million followers. She quickly scrolls through the comments, relieved when they appear to overwhelmingly kind and supportive. She recognizes a few of them right away, unsurprised to see that Kyle has already left one as well as Syd.

_kkriegerhair: We get it, you’re in loooove! *eyeroll* Love you so much, queens! #thatsmysis_

_pinoerapinoe: When you tell your bestie she needs a plus one to your wedding and she 1ups with this amazing woman. Fire, biiitch! #hotness #flames_

_whitney: It was high time! Yes to all of this!_

_roguelabsydney: How dare you post this cuteness without consulting me, Ms. Harris? Treat my girl right or I’m on a plane and coming for you! Real talk, this makes me crazy happy. #powercouple_

Ali doesn’t hesitate to repost it on her account with her own caption:

_Exactly what she said. Inhale, exhale, better here than anywhere else. I love you too @ashlyn #loudersothewholeworldhears #shesmine_

It’s the first personal picture she’s ever posted on her social media that isn’t of scenery and all she can think about is how perfectly fitting that is. Already looking forward to taking a lifetime’s worth of others with her favorite person in the world in every place she can think of and proudly posting those too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's reaction was your fav?  
Also, who knew real life Ruby Rose would fangirl over the A&A's Allure magazine cover while I was writing this chapter?!


	50. Namaste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What else is there to say about this chapter other than...shenanigans and yoga. Lots of yoga ;-) So, take that as a cue to read this one alone and away from the public :-)  
Hope you're all staying well...wear your mask!
> 
> As always, hit me with those comments because I love to read them!

Namaste

**January 6, 2021**

It only takes a couple of seconds after Ali enters the small pub for her to see Ashlyn enthusiastically waving to get her attention from a large round corner table. She gives her girl a huge smile and a quick wave as she walks over, seeing that Megan, Sue, Whitney, Kameryn and Kelley are all already there with drinks in front of them. Her smile only grows bigger when Ashlyn immediately stands up to hug her and pull out her chair for her. _Sweetest._

“The party can begin!” Megan announces while everyone else says more normal hello.

“Hi everyone, sorry I’m a little late.” Ali greets them in return before pecking Ashlyn’s lips. “Hi you.” She says more quietly as she finds those warm hazel eyes that look so happy to see her.

“Hi beautiful. Glad you’re here.” Ashlyn leans in for another chaste kiss, draping Ali’s coat over the back of her chair and holding her hand as they sit down. “You still made it before Crys. Told you.”

“Yeah you’re not officially late unless you show up after Crystal.” Whitney corroborates.

“And now Ash can stop watching the door like God is about to walk through it.” Megan quips mischievously.

“You couldn’t even last 5 seconds without commentary, could you?” Sue elbows Megan.

“God is a woman and she did just walk through the door.” Ashlyn’s eyes never leave Ali even while she replies back in defense.

“Very smooth, Stanford…but I’m sure these lovely ladies want to be able to eat their dinner tonight without drowning in goop.” Ali meets the dimpled grin directed at her and squeezes the blonde’s hand.

“Don’t worry about me drowning. I’ll just use my twerp here as a life preserver, she’s full of hot air.” Sue jokes even as Megan’s mouth drops open.

“Harsh, hayseed.” Megan narrows her eyes at Sue.

“Count me in as mesmerized by this and willing to drown in goop.” Kameryn motions between Ashlyn and Ali.

“Fuck yeah, we’re taking pointers on how to keep our marriage hot.” Kelley adds with an eyebrow waggle.

“I typically charge for that, but I suppose I can give you a freebie.” Ali weighs in.

“You hear that babe, she’s giving it away for free.” Kelley waggles her eyebrows again, this time at Kameryn.

“Yeah, so these are my friends.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Don’t listen to her, Ali. I will not be lumped in with these cretins.” Whitney jokes.

“She’s right. We’re Ash’s fun friends and this is the uptight CTO.” Megan uses her hands to showcase Whitney. “If she’s walking funny, it’s because the stick has gone too far up her ass and needs to be extracted.”

“At least my legs don’t look like actual sticks when I walk.” Whitney dishes it right back.

“Geez you two, the poor woman doesn’t even have a drink yet. Speaking of which, circling back to the freebies…I’ve got your drinks tonight, Ali.” Kameryn says resolutely. “Consider it a peace offering for me acting like a skank and hanging off your girl like she was my arm candy.”

“Oh stop, you don’t have to do that.” Ali waves her off. “While I fully admit I was ready to launch myself at you for a few seconds there, it was a brilliant move.”

“Now there’s a cat fight I would’ve paid to see.” Megan chimes in.

“Bitch, you can’t even sit through a tame UFC match without covering your eyes, who are you kidding?” Ashlyn shuts Megan down.

“That was one time!” Megan retorts.

“Two by my count.” Sue asserts.

“See, you need many drinks to deal with this madness. Not taking no for an answer. What are you drinking?” Kameryn looks at Ali insistently.

“Clearly. And thank you.” Ali smiles at her. She quickly looks around the table to get a sense of what everyone else is drinking, but it’s a diverse mix of beer, wine, cocktails, and Ashlyn drinking her go-to whiskey. “I think I’ll play it safe and go with a Pinot Noir.” She decides.

“I already know what everyone else is getting for dinner, so if you let me know what you want I can go put the drink and food order in with Vernie at the bar.” Sue tells Ali before motioning to Ashlyn. “Dreamboat can attest to the fact that everything on the menu is good.”

“Thanks, I’ll be quick.” Ali picks up one of the menus on the table, glad to see that it’s only one page with only a few options. “What are you getting?” She asks Ashlyn after taking a quick glance at it.

“Same as always, chicken parm hero with onion rings.” Ashlyn replies.

“I’ll have the same as Ash then.” Ali says easily.

“Tip number one, be that couple that orders the same thing.” Kelley pretends to write herself a note.

“Wrong.” Ali laughs. “General marriage advice says you’re usually better off being the couple that orders two different things and shares. But so far I’ve learned that I end up liking what Ash orders better than my own order. And I’m absolutely wretched when it comes to sharing my food. That’s when you ditch the typical advice and go with what works.”

“Don’t steal a french fry, got it.” Sue acknowledges.

“And we’ll be best friends if you don’t.” Ali plays back.

“She’s not kidding.” Ashlyn adds with a smile.

“I always ask Kell what she’s gonna order and usually decide on the same thing. Then when we actually go to order, she always orders something different than what she said before…and then claims she didn’t do it on purpose.” Kameryn playfully glares at her wife. “Good to know we’re in great shape despite her evil ways.”

“Unless they’re in a new restaurant or around new people, in which case Kelley pretends to think hard about what to eat and then just orders the Caesar salad every damn time.” Ashlyn adds with a chuckle.

“Better than eating a crap dinner, so fuck off.” Kelley defends.

“I’m not sure I have it in me to properly psychoanalyze that after a long day like today.” Ali teases.

“Bad day?” Ashlyn looks at Ali in slight concern.

“Not at all. The weeks around the holidays are always super slow because most clients are traveling or busy with plans. So the first week after that is always jammed packed days with clients often in tears or angry about whatever happened over the holidays. Family time isn’t always a good thing and can really bring out some interesting feelings.” Ali explains.

“Yeah I don’t know how you do your job on a good day, forget with holiday drama thrown in. I wouldn’t have the energy for anything if I had to listen to people’s emotional outpouring all day.” Megan chimes in.

“I think it definitely takes a passion for it, but honestly, you also get used to it.” Ali replies frankly. “At the end of the day, I’m sure it’s not any worse than dealing with a pesky co-worker.”

“Probably good that I don’t really have pesky co-workers then.” Megan shrugs.

“Speak for yourself.” Whitney scoffs.

“Wait, did you just set me up for that?!” Megan playfully points a finger at Ali with her mouth slightly open even as everyone is already laughing.

“She did, and it was fucking brilliant!” Ashlyn high-fives Ali.

“Welcome to the fam, Ali!” Whitney exclaims.

“Walked right into that one like a pesky ass fly into a trap, twerp.” Sue ribs Megan further.

“Thin ice, Dr. Love Sex Goddess!” Megan jokingly warns Ali.

“That actually means she likes you even more now.” Kameryn translates with a smile.

“Yeah, that’s actually true. We just need to complete the cycle.” Megan flips Ali off and sticks her tongue out. “There, done. We’re besties!”

“Right back at ya, Pinoe.” Ali flips her off right back.

“Oh, I see we’re cementing friendships. What else did I miss?” Crystal suddenly shows up at the table.

“Luckily ,you didn’t miss me putting in a drink and food order.” Sue hands Crystal the menu even as she’s getting her coat off. “Make it snappy Dunn, I already got distracted by these weirdos trying to win Ali over with their strange ways. Poor woman needs a drink ASAP. God knows I needed at least six to get through my first hangout with this crew.” She adds in jest.

“Please hayseed, you gave me your number several times while you were on your shift and sober. You knew what you were getting into.” Megan wraps her arm around Sue’s shoulders and pulls her in for a kiss.

“Honey, I would start downing shots behind the bar the second I saw you walking in.” Sue counters with a smirk, getting a scowl from Megan.

“So wait, is this the bar you work at?” Ali asks curiously, just putting it together.

“Yep. This is where the magic happened. Very romantic.” Sue replies with grin, kissing the side of Megan’s head. “That’s how you know I love her…and them.” She motions around the table. “I willing come back here on my days off because these clowns refuse to go anywhere else.”

“Blame Butchie, she’s the one who got us coming here on Wednesday nights.” Megan points her thumb at Ashlyn.

“As if Watson wasn’t hooked on the onion rings from day one right along with me.” Ashlyn counters.

“She’s not wrong. Besides, it’s nice to have a place where the whole staff knows your order and people leave you alone.” Whitney shrugs.

“I’m with them, this is a solid dive bar.” Kameryn agrees.

“Ali, you must know like a million other cool bars in this city. Please be the voice of reason and help me out here.” Sue begs.

“I’m staying out of this one.” Ali puts her hands up.

“I’ll have the Caesar salad, a side of fries, and my vodka soda.” Crystal interjects with her order, as usual paying little attention to the conversation before she decides on her food.

“Finally! Be right back.” Sue gets right up and goes over to the bar.

“Caesar and fries. You’re stealing Kell’s thunder, minion.” Ashlyn jokes.

“Yeah, the fuck you trying to pull?” Kelley makes a face at Crystal.

“Don’t listen to Boss Lady. I’m just making sure your presence here stays strong while y’all are back in D.C.” Crystal banters back.

“In that case, carry on!” Kelley gives her a thumbs up.

“Regretting that you don’t have a drink yet, Ali?” Kameryn shakes her head.

“What I really need is a notebook to write all these nicknames down.” Ali remarks at trying to keep track of them all. “Now I’m not sure whether to call her Ash, Sherlock, Dreamboat, Butchie or Boss Lady.” She laughs and leans into Ashlyn’s shoulder a bit. “Also, how have you two managed to come away unscathed?” She looks at Kameryn and Kelley.

“You know, I have no idea. Probably because we’re still sort of newbies and they haven’t come up with something awful to call us yet.” Kameryn looks at Kelley as they both shrug.

“We really need fix that.” Megan muses.

“I just wanna know what you call, Ash.” Kelley smirks at Ali.

“Ash, Stanford, gorgeous, angel, and my love are the usual go-tos…also God, and fuck babe, but those tend to come out in more of a moan or a scream.” Ali says nonchalantly with a smile.

“Kell, your face!” Megan smacks the table with her hand and cracks up laughing at Kelley clearly not expecting that very blunt response.

“Wow honey, you have met your match.” Kameryn pats Kelley’s arm as she laughs along with Megan. “Imagine thinking you could rattle a sex therapist with your insinuating comments.”

“I admit that I’ve officially been topped.” Kelley concedes.

“If you play your cards right, you could get topped twice in one night.” Kameryn winks at her wife.

“Well since we’re on TMI sexy time topics…” Crystal turns to Ali. “Boss Lady might be a fabulous pet name for the bedroom, just sayin.”

“Think I’m gonna leave that one very platonically between you and Ash.” Ali giggles.

“Correct answer.” Ashlyn downs the rest of her whiskey with wide eyes. “Here’s hoping Sue puts a rush on that drink order.”

“Oh sure, more alcohol is definitely gonna tone down this shit show.” Whitney says sarcastically before steering the conversation in a tamer direction. “So, are you gonna call me Stanford too?” She asks Ali with a smirk.

“I was thinking Harvard of the West for you.” Ali deadpans.

“Oh biiitch, the war is on!” Megan announces in a booming voice.

“In that case, I think Cardinal Krieger has a nice ring to it. Don’t you think, Sherlock?” Whitney looks at Ashlyn expectantly.

“I’m not gonna encourage that and stick to nicely calling her Harvard so I’m not fully in the doghouse.” Ashlyn gets an approving smile from Ali.

“So fucking soft.” Whitney wrinkles her nose at Ashlyn.

“Not as soft and cozy as Ali looks walking around in my Stanford hoodie though. You know, the one she stole and has been wearing for like two years now.” Ashlyn gives the brunette an innocent grin.

“That a girl!” Whitney claps in delight.

Ali’s lips curl into a devilish smile directed at Ashlyn. “Speaking of hoodies…have you told Whit that my Harvard hoodie has spent considerable time in your bed over the last two years? You know, the one that fits you better than it does me.”

“Nooo. Tell me she’s lying.” Whitney half whines at Ashlyn.

“Psssh, Butchie is soft as fuck and would totally do that. Where is the lie?” Megan sasses.

Ashlyn just wraps her arm around Ali’s shoulder and smiles at her sweetly before looking up at Whitney. “Love knows no bounds or ivy league affiliations.” She shrugs.

“Ugh, you used to be so cool.” Whitney scoffs at her. “Whatever, as long as your wedding color scheme is Cardinal Red we can still be best friends.”

“It’s called Crimson, but I think we can accommodate that.” Ali lightheartedly answers for them even as she squeezes Ashlyn’s hand meaningfully, feeling warm when she gets a soft squeeze in return.

“Tip number two, pretend to battle each other…but then give into your girl like a total teddy bear.” Kelley pretends to jot down another note.

“Pretty much.” Ali laughs.

“See now, I like that one.” Kameryn eyes her wife knowingly.

“Woah, woah, who said I was the one that would be giving in?” Kelley challenges.

“Figures. For a life coach, you really suck at compromise.” Kameryn rolls her eyes.

“Which is exactly what makes me a great life coach.” Kelley sasses back even as she gives Kameryn a charming smile.

“She’s modest too.” Crystal jibes Kelley before getting distracted by Sue coming back with a tray full of drinks after being gone a while. “You legit cannot sit your ass down without helping on your night off, can you? Now give me that vodka, please and thank you ma’am!”

“And you wonder why you bitch about coming here? Maybe cause you need to chillax and let Vernie learn how to work a bar on her own.” Megan piles on.

“Valid point.” Ashlyn chimes in.

“Third it…maybe it’s fourth it, but same.” Whitney adds.

“What, nothing from the peanut gallery?” Sue looks at Kameryn and Kelley.

“I lost count, fifth it?” Kameryn shrugs.

“They’re not wrong.” Kelley tells Sue.

“Thanks for getting the drinks and putting in the order.” Ali says kindly as Sue hands her a glass of red wine.

“Ali can stay. The rest of you are cancelled.” Sue makes a dismissive motion with her hand.

“You can’t cancel your fiancée.” Megan says as Sue sits down.

“Try me.” Sue says evenly.

“Oh I will. I’ll try you over and over again…just not until we’re alone.” Megan smirks before a pretzel plinks off her forehead. “Bitch, you didn’t.” She shoots Ashlyn a look even as another pretzel comes sailing at her from Whitney. “What the actual fuck?!” She screeches as a few more get launched in her direction from around the table.

“Never mind, you can all stay.” Sue changes her mind with a laugh. “You’re right twerp, I’ll just let your friends cancel you. And I’ll marry you just so I can watch you get pelted with food for the rest of your life, which you absolutely deserve every time.”

“Ali, can we get a ruling on that approach?” Kelley asks.

“Probably a stronger foundation than plenty of other marriages out there.” Ali shrugs.

“Since we’re on the topic, did you get the twerp’s memo about the fact that come May 8th you’re gonna need a wedding outfit to complement Dreamboat’s dashing navy tux?” Sue looks at Ali meaningfully.

“Hmm, think I remember reading that somewhere recently.” Ali playfully taps her chin at the reference to Megan’s plus-one comment on Ashlyn’s Instagram post. “Really though, belated congratulations you two! I can’t wait and I’m all over dress shopping.” She adds more seriously.

“Perfect! I can’t wait to address that invitation. ‘Butchie and Dr. Love Sex Goddess’.” Megan makes air quotes with her fingers.

“Ok, that’s twice now. Dr. Love Sex Goddess?” Ali questions with a raised eyebrow, looking around the table at various guilty smiles before settling on Ashlyn.

“That’s their version of Ruby. Only they’ve always known who you are, so they’re just weirdos who make up odd nicknames for no reason.” Ashlyn explains simply, her thumb rubbing little circles on the top of the brunette’s hand that has now settled on her thigh.

“Right.” Ali laughs. “Just when I thought I was safe…nope.”

“Wait, who is Ruby?” Whitney asks curiously.

“That’s what my friends called Ashlyn because they had no idea who she was until a few days ago.” Ali divulges.

“Why Ruby though? That’s random. I need more on this.” Crystal digs.

“Yeah Harvard, why Ruby?” Ashlyn chuckles softly and blinks at Ali.

“You’re really gonna make me go there?” Ali giggles even while shooting her girl a look.

“You can’t not tell us now!” Kameryn exclaims at the sweet mirthful looks being exchanged between the two women.

“Oh look, the food is here.” Ali is glad for the timely distraction as two waitresses show up with trays of food.

Even though everyone busies themselves with eating for a few minutes, the distraction doesn’t last long with Kameryn reminding Ali that they’re still waiting.

“Not surprised at all that this chicken parm is incredible.” Ali leans into Ashlyn a bit, buying herself another minute.

“I will never steer you wrong.” Ashlyn smiles at her.

“See Ali, the difference between therapists and life coaches is that life coaches don’t back down one bit when our clients use avoidance. It just makes us push harder, like a paid drill sergeant really. So, tell us why Ruby or drop and give me twenty push-ups. Given your very nice biceps, I’ll be happy either way.” Kelley demands cheekily.

“Ha, me too!” Ashlyn laughs and agrees with Kelley. “They’re not gonna give up even if you do the push-ups though.” She tells Ali with a shrug.

“Facts. Plus, Pinoe is pesky, remember?” Whitney adds.

“Yeah, you don’t want me hounding you.” Megan cautions.

“Alright, alright.” Ali concedes. “I have a massive celebrity crush on Ruby Rose. Well, used to have a huge crush on her until this one came along.” She nudges Ashlyn softly. “Anyway, back when I first met Ash, I was telling my brother about how attracted I was to her. And since I couldn’t tell him anything that would give away who she was, he asked if she was hotter than Ruby Rose. So, I said she had a similar vibe, but was definitely hotter. And then he started referring to her as Ms. Hotter-than-Ruby Rose which eventually that got shortened to Ruby…and then my best friends started using it too. So, there ya go.”

“Also, if any of you start calling me Ruby, I’m disowning you.” Ashlyn warns.

“I can totally see it though. Ruby is like a touch more fem in certain ways, but when you had the short hair…” Kameryn sizes Ashlyn up. “Totally see it.”

“Um, yeah! How your brother had Ruby Rose in his head, and was already a fan of Boss Lady, and still didn’t figure it out is beyond me.” Crystal says in bafflement.

“Right? I mean, I know I was very vague and didn’t give away any big details, but there was a point at which I have no idea how he didn’t realize.” Ali shrugs.

“You know, I bet the real Ruby Rose would love this story. I could always send her a message.” Whitney jokingly holds up her phone.

“Oh god, not you too.” Ali rolls her eyes and motions between Ashlyn and Whitney. “You two have some powerful brain connection thing and it’s a little frightening.”

“Definitely. It’s how they’re going to take over the world.” Kameryn nods.

“Yeah, sorry Watson. I got there first on the Ruby Rose connection.” Ashlyn laughs.

“You never let me have fun.” Whitney pretends to pout.

“Puuuhlease! As if you know to have fun.” Megan looks at Whitney skeptically. “Like it wouldn’t even be funny for you to threaten to message Ruby Rose because no one would believe your uptight ass would ever actually do it.”

“Kinda with the twerp on this one, Whit. You totally wouldn’t do it.” Sue concurs.

“Second that.” Kelley puts her hand up.

“Third!” Kameryn follows suit.

“Ok, so how about we not challenge Whit so that she doesn’t actually message Ruby Rose to prove a point? K, thanks.” Ali pipes up.

“Don’t even worry about it. If Butchie messaged Ruby, now that would be something cause I’m sure she’d actually respond. If uptight CTO messaged her, Ruby would be like ‘who the fuck is this chick?’.” Megan cackles in laughter.

“I can’t even battle on that one, cause it’s true.” Whitney admits with a laugh. “Pretty sure she followed me back on Instagram just to be nice because Ash introduced me. Probably because she was trying to get Ash to take her home.”

“Oh really now?” Ali drops the onion ring she was eating and turns to look at Ashlyn in amusement.

“Here’s a story I haven’t heard yet.” Kameryn leans forward with interest as does Kelley.

“Shit, me either.” Crystal joins in.

“She was not!” Ashlyn squashes the notion. “It was the second time we’d met. And we had been talking about our tattoos for like an hour and were obviously at an event where we couldn’t exactly show many of them off. She just said we should make plans to hang out my place next time so that we could share body art. Which neither of us actually made any plans for, it was all talk.”

“Uh huh. Only cause you totally shut it down by telling her you lived in NYC, which wasn’t actually quite true yet.” Whitney reminds her.

“Yeah, I’m gonna say that was an invitation.” Crystal sides with Whitney even while the rest of the table nods in agreement.

“No way. None of you are crazy tattoo people. It’s totally normal to want to hang out and share tattoos without it being anything else.” Ashlyn insists.

“As much as I’d be thrilled to know I snagged Ruby’s potential date, I’m with Ash on this one.” Ali reaches to hold the blonde’s hand under the table, giving it a soft squeeze at putting together the timeline in her head and understanding the blonde’s reaction. Serious invitation or not, Ashlyn wasn’t bringing anyone home at that point given that things with Sloane had recently imploded, let alone anyone notable like Ruby Rose that would draw attention. “I’m kind of obsessed with other people’s ink and have my own that’s not easy to openly share. And it’s really not that uncommon to get into a conversation about it and wanting to see the tattoos you’re talking about without it being a sexual thing.”

“Exactly, thank you!” Ashlyn says appreciatively, squeezing the brunette’s hand back before starting to play with her fingers. _You always know and you’ve always got me._

“That’s actually true. My tats are easy to show, but still.” Megan affirms. “Besides, pretty sure anything that comes out of Ruby Rose’s mouth probably seems flirty with the way her eyes smolder like that.”

“Oh geez, you too?” Sue looks at Megan questioningly.

“What, she’s totally hot!” Megan replies back like it’s obvious.

“Eh nice tattoos, but not really my type.” Sue scrunches her nose.

“Yeah despite her tattoos, not mine either.” Ashlyn agrees with Sue.

“I’d be all over that.” Kelley pipes up, earning herself a pinch to the arm. “Only if Kam was all over it with me of course.”

“Nice save.” Kameryn rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t exactly be complaining though, those tattoos are pretty sexy.” She adds with a smile.

“Hmm, so that’s three votes for Ruby’s tats…three votes for Ruby’s tits. And Whit and I just wanna know if she has a brother.” Crystal laughs at her own joke.

“Starting to understand why Kam and Sue were so adamant that I needed drinks.” Ali can only laugh at the way conversations spiral so easily with this crew. Still, she admires how open and fun they are. Nothing is off limits, but every word spoken among them so clearly comes from a loving place no matter how biting it may be. She thrives with people like this. It reminds her of her own friends, making her feel welcomed right in and like she has always belonged as part of them even if her presence is new.

“Speaking of.” Sue motions to Vernie at the bar for a third round of drinks.

“Fuck, you guys weren’t kidding when you said we were going back to DC with a hangover.” Kameryn groans, knowing that there will at least be a fourth round and likely a fifth given the still fairly early time.

“I need to find a bathroom before more wine.” Ali looks around for a restroom sign.

“It’s downstairs and down this long ass hallway because it’s a shared bathroom with the restaurant next door.” Ashlyn informs her. “I’ll go with you and show you were it is.”

“Pssh, I’ll go with her or we’ll never see you two again.” Crystal looks at them skeptically.

“Right, like we would just disappear for a while and hope you all didn’t notice.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“Mhmm. Come on, Ali.” Crystal doesn’t give in and gets right up, heading towards the back of the bar while Ali follows closely behind.

\---

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Ali asks directly as soon they’re out of earshot.

“How did you know I wanted to talk about something?” Crystal replies in surprise. Ali’s not wrong, but she has no idea how it’s apparently so obvious when she hasn’t even said anything yet.

“Because anyone close to Ash would know that she wouldn’t be up for doing anything remotely risqué in a public bathroom. Seeing as how that was your excuse and the eagerness to go with me, must mean you want to talk to me about something.” Ali says simply.

“You do not fuck around.” Crystal smiles as they get to the bottom of the stairs.

“Not really, no. And you don’t ever have to sneak me off to the bathroom to talk, but we’re here and I’m all ears…what’s up?” Ali gently implores.

“Did Ash tell you about how we met and became friends?” Crystal starts there, sitting down on the bench along the hallway and watching Ali follow suit. There’s a sizeable line for the bathroom as usual, so she knows they have a little time.

“She did.” Ali nods.

“Ok, good.” Crystal thinks for a second about how to start. “You know what the worst about being homeless was?”

“Tell me.” Ali replies with intrigue.

“That you think you have all these people in your life that would never let that happen to you. All these friends that would promise to help out when my Mama was sick…to just let them know what I needed and they’d be there. And then the world crashes down and not a single one of them can be found, and you’re all alone and on the street.” Crystal’s voice is even, but not bitter. “What a fucking life moment that was. All you have is you, nothing else and no one else.”

“I can’t begin to imagine.” Ali replies with candor. Even at her lowest points, she always had someone who was there for her.

“And then Boss Lady comes out of nowhere with that damn smile like she’s your high school bestie and y’all just ran into each other at an art gallery and are catching up.” Crystal shakes her head with a smile, remembering the genuine and comfortable conversation she and Ashlyn had about her art sketches that very first day.

“Think I know that smile.” Ali nods, knowing exactly what she means. The very same smile and sincerely caring eyes had drawn her to Ashlyn in an indescribable way and made her speak things she had always kept behind lock and key.

“Everyone on the street knows you don’t hang around in Tribeca for handouts cause the rich high-and-mighty just ignore you. That’s exactly why I went there in the first place.” Crystal recounts. “I just wanted to be ignored. I was so fucking tired of being looked at in disgust. Or maybe worse, with that dumb ass polite smile where people feel too bad ignore you, but then give you that smile to make themselves feel better while hoping it’s enough for you not to ask them for shit.”

“I’ve been guilty before of that last one.” Ali confesses honestly with a grimace.

“Girl, me too. I totally did that shit all the time. At least you have the guts to admit it.” Crystal taps the brunette’s leg. “That’s beside the point though and I’m not worried about you on all that stuff, trust me. Point is, I didn’t know people like Boss Lady existed. Like I thought she was playing at some white savior shit at first, but I was sucked in anyway cause it seemed so fucking real and I wanted it to be real.” Crystal tries to describe it. “And then it was unbelievably real. That woman has been everything I’ve needed her to be and then some. She’s my boss, my best friend, my sister. She walked me down the aisle at my wedding…she’s been my mother too.”

“Ah, ok. So, we’re having the hurt my girl and I’ll kill you talk.” Ali sees where this is going.

“Yes and no.” Crystal shrugs. “Look, Boss Lady can tell you I’ve had my bet on you two from the beginning. The way she’s always talked about you…and the way I watched your face light up in the lobby one day when you were early for your appointment with her and then realized it was time to go up. You two together is like some fate-of-the-universe shit that is just supposed to happen. I believe in that crap, so. And then the other night at the launch party, I realized you two are the exact same breed of good-hearted person just with different personalities.”

“What happened at the launch party that prompted that?” Ali wonders out loud, not recalling even having much conversation with Crystal that night.

“I realized I’d seen you before, but I never would have remembered until I saw your brother. Him I remembered.” Crystal reveals. “You still do free therapy Fridays at the shelter on Lafayette?” She asks paired with a knowing look.

“Oh. Yeah I do, but it looks a bit different now.” Ali nods, mind spinning a bit at the revelation. “Did we ever talk? I remember most people I’ve talked to, but if it was just once, then maybe I…”

“Nah, don’t worry. I never used the therapy service stuff. I just saw you calling people in a couple times.” Crystal cuts her off. “Your brother did free haircuts. Never got one from him myself, but he did it in the main area and I would watch him sometimes. I remember how funny he was and I vaguely remember that you two would come together with an older woman.”

“Nancy Merriman. We used to be colleagues in the same practice back then. She’s also my godmother.” Ali tells her.

“Oh damn, small world. So, Boss Lady’s Nancy therapist is that same lady?” Crystal puts it together. “I had no idea.”

“Yep.” Ali nods in confirmation. “She and I got into doing free therapy Fridays at shelters together as part of our practice. About three years ago, a group of us revamped it quite a bit. The shelter was never the best place for people to feel comfortable or be in the right mindset for effective therapy. We’ve organized it now so that transportation is provided where people can make appointments and come for free therapy at our individual offices. So, I now see people from the shelters as part of my routine practice.”

“That’s amazing.” Crystal smiles warmly. “Does Boss Lady know about that?”

“Hasn’t come up actually. I’m sure it will eventually. Like my brother somehow knew that Ash helps with the homeless LGBTQ shelter and I had no idea. Still things we haven’t talked about.” Ali shrugs.

“Ha, I’m sure you two have been plenty busy.” Crystal can’t help but tease a bit.

“Right.” Ali giggles softly.

“Anyway, I know you’re a good person. Better than that, I know you’re a good person for her…the best person for her. And I know we’re gonna be great friends. I mean, you’re already like family with us up there.” Crystal motions towards the stairs that lead back up to the bar. “But I just need to be clear on where my loyalty lies. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“I do. In a nutshell, a friend to all is a friend to none.” Ali gets it. “You can’t look out for her properly if you can’t hold me accountable when it comes to her.”

“Well that was more elegant than I would’ve come up with, but yeah. You are one smart motherfucker. Just like Boss Lady.” Crystal half laughs.

“Thanks, I think.” Ali replies lightly with a smile.

“It’s just…Ashlyn is always gonna apologize first, you know? Like she’ll be sorry she couldn’t do more to help when you’re both drowning, even if you’re the idiot who put a hole in the bottom of the fucking boat. That’s her heart.” Crystal says seriously. “The person who deserves her heart is the person who isn’t gonna let her do that. And I know for damn sure that person is you, Ali. But I just want to be that friend for her that helps make sure that you never get comfortable enough about it that you forget to be that person for her. I owe her that.”

“You are that friend. And I’m that person, promise.” Ali says sincerely.

“Also, if you hurt my girl, I’ll kill you.” Crystal playfully points a finger at her.

“Loud and clear.” Ali puts her hands up in jest.

“I actually didn’t have to go to the bathroom, but you go ahead.” Crystal motions to the line that is now only one-person.

“Of course you didn’t.” Ali giggles. “Be right back.” She uses the time to think over everything Crystal said, realizing that Ashlyn is far too important for her not to ensure that she’s holding herself accountable in every way well before any of their friends ever does.

“Can I have your phone number?” Ali asks as soon as she gets back over to Crystal, her phone already out.

“I guess I made an impression then.” Crystal remarks before telling Ali her number.

“You said some things that made me think.” Ali says openly. “Ash and I are bound to disagree and fight about something at some point. And I could call my brother or one of my friends to make me feel better about my side of things. But I’m not. I’m going to call you, because I know exactly where your loyalty lies. I know you’ll have her best interest at heart and you’ll help me see whatever it is that I can’t understand about her in that moment. I love her too much to not try my hardest to see her and understand her no matter what I’m thinking.”

“Damn. You _REALLY_ do not fuck around.” Crystal is stunned by the turn of events.

“Told you. But especially not when it comes to her.” Ali winks, sending Crystal a text so the woman has her number too. “Thanks for talking to me.”

“Pssh, I should be thanking you.” Crystal shakes her head as they walk back up to the bar. “You gonna tell her about this talk?” She asks curiously.

“I told her I poisoned myself with a lobster cake to get away before she saw me…of course I’m gonna tell her about this.” Ali snickers.

“Correct answer. You get a 95 on the test, Dr. Love Sex Goddess.” Crystal lightly bumps Ali with her hip as they get to the top of the step.

“95?” Ali cocks her head to the side.

“Mhmm. Still gotta see if you can keep up with me on the dance floor at Pinoe’s wedding. Only then do you get full credit.” Crystal challenges.

“Oh god, can I just be happy with my 95 and call it a day?” Ali asks hopefully.

“Nope.” Crystal replies adamantly.

“Great. Guess I have a few months to work on my moves then.” Ali crinkles her nose.

“Please, that ass tells me you’re hiding all kinds of dance moves the world needs to see!” Crystal says loudly enough that the whole table hears as they approach.

“Hey now, that’s my ass to gawk at, minion.” Ashlyn playfully warns.

“Just sayin’ that a wedding dance-off is happening and ya’ll need to be prepared. I’m betting Ali is a dark horse.” Crystal banters back.

“Very dark.” Ali laughs.

“I was about to send out a search party for you two.” Ashlyn comments on how long they were gone, finding Ali’s eyes to check-in silently.

“Long line from the other restaurant.” Ali explains, giving the blonde’s thigh a light squeeze that conveys everything is fine before looking at Crystal and smiling knowingly.

\---

“So, did you seriously want tips on keeping your marriage hot?” Ali finds herself talking to Kelley while Ashlyn and Kameryn talk work stuff outside the bar. Everyone else went home already, but she and Ashlyn opted to wait with Kameryn and Kelley until their Uber to the hotel arrives.

“Definitely, what ya got?” Kelley nods, more curious than anything else, both of them far enough past tipsy for it not to be weird.

“I’m gonna guess you’re the more dominant one and you two are more recently playing with that line a bit?” Ali states more than asks.

“Total yes, but how the hell did you know that?” Kelley raises an eyebrow.

“It was the way Kam joked earlier about topping you.” Ali explains. “She was definitely serious even though it was flirty, but you could tell she was still sort of testing it. The confidence wasn’t quite there.”

“Highly impressive, Dr. Love Sex Goddess.” Kelley smiles. “And your thoughts on it are…”

“Sexual dynamic shifts like that can be amazing, but you have to be committed to them. Doesn’t work if either of you is halfway in. Given that it’s early on, she’s going to look to you for where you are on it before she decides where she is since you’ve always been more dominant one.” Ali tells her straight-forwardly.

“I can totally see that. What else?” Kelley says eagerly.

“It probably feels counter to what you’re used to, but try and relax into letting her totally set the pace and details of it all. Don’t jump in to help her or bail her out when she seems a bit unsure. As soon as you completely let go, she’ll realize she has to set the course and will gain the confidence to run with it. Chances are it’ll blow both your minds at that point and fling the door wide open.” Ali doesn’t hold back.

“You are a fucking treasure, Krieger.” Kelley throws an arm around Ali’s shoulders.

“Should I be jealous?” Kameryn asks, eavesdropping now that she and Ashlyn are done talking.

“Not unless they’re sharing food.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Just making sure Kelley doesn’t leave NYC without knowing how to rock your world.” Ali winks at Kameryn.

“In that case, you two take ALL the time you need.” Kameryn pretends to step away just as the Uber pulls up. “Bummer, it was just getting good. Well, it’s been real, Harris. I’m sure you guys will have me on a conference call in no time.” She leans in to hug Ashlyn.

“Bitch, you know my brain is already spinning on coming up with our next joint project. Promise we’ll give you at least a couple days to settle back in at home before we harass you.” Ashlyn hugs her back before switching with Ali and going to hug Kelley. “Have a safe trip. Behave yourself, Kell.”

“I will absolutely not behave myself.” Kelley laughs into Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“Right. Well, just don’t do anything that would get you arrested then.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Hey, that is one fucking incredible car, Harris.” Kelley says quietly, her head to subtly motioning towards Ali and bringing them right back to the first conversation they ever had about the woman. “Enjoy every second of the ride.”

“You know it. Top down, radio blasting, and nothing but open road…for life.” Ashlyn grins.

“Make sure you perform routine maintenance under the hood...lube that engine up real good so it purrs like a kitten.” Kelley adds with her patented eyebrow waggle.

“Jesus Christ, get in the car you weirdo.” Ashlyn gives her one last squeeze before gently pushing her in the direction of the Uber that Kameryn is already getting into. She snakes her arm around Ali’s waist, both of them giving a final wave as the Uber drives away. “You survived.” She kisses the top of the brunette’s head.

“Please, I thrived.” Ali says cockily, leaning her head against the blonde’s shoulder. “That was really fun. You’re all such different people, but somehow it all comes together perfectly. Utterly amazing chaos really, and I love it.” She muses out loud.

“Chaos sounds exactly right. So happy you were here tonight. I hope you realize that you’ll now be expected at every outing.” Ashlyn tilts her head down for a quick kiss.

“Including a wedding apparently.” Ali raises an eyebrow.

“Being my plus one to everything comes with the job, Harvard. Do you want to reconsider?” Ashlyn asks playfully.

“Never. You’re stuck with me, Stanford.” Ali lightly pinches her side. “Come on, it’s cold and I’m far enough past tipsy that I need major sleep if I have any chance of making it through my day tomorrow.”

“Yeah, we usually stay much tamer on Wednesday nights than this. Mid-week drinking hasn’t been a good idea since college.” Ashlyn commiserates, feeling pretty buzzed herself. “Penthouse or condo? I’m happy with either. Condo is closer though.”

“True, but the penthouse has a mini-bar in the bedroom with every hydration option imaginable to prevent a morning headache. Don’t even have to stop in the kitchen, just off to bed.” Ali reasons.

“I’ll get you everything you need no matter where we stay, baby. All you have to do is get up to bed and I’ll handle the rest.” Ashlyn offers sincerely.

“Sweetest.” Ali kisses her soundly. “Shorter walk to the condo it is then.” She decides after yawning and realizing how tired she really is, glad that Ashlyn keeps an arm around her waist as they walk home.

\---

“Truly an angel. Where were you when I was in my prime college drinking days?” Ali says gratefully when Ashlyn comes into the bedroom with a bottle of Gatorade, a bottle of water, and some Advil.

“Attending the better Ivy League school of course.” Ashlyn deadpans, putting the drinks and pills on Ali’s nightstand and starting to strip off her clothes.

“You’re so lucky you have cute dimples.” Ali playfully narrows her eyes, taking two Advil with a few long gulps of Gatorade before snuggling back into bed.

“Dimple, baby. Did you drink that much that you think I have two?” Ashlyn teases. “Perhaps seeing double?

“Pretty sure we established a long time ago that you have matching single dimples.” Ali smirks and points to the blonde’s now naked ass.

“Oh right, totally forgot about that.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a laugh. “Be right back, just gonna brush my teeth.”

“M’kay, hurry.” Ali smiles to herself at the way Ashlyn’s butt dimple is more prominent as she walks towards the bathroom.

“So, in the spirit of honesty…” Ashlyn pokes her head back out of the bathroom door. “I actually do think Ruby Rose was trying to get me to take her home.” She confesses coyly with a shrug.

“Sure sounded to me like she was.” Ali nods. “But it wasn’t remotely an option for you back then, so doesn’t matter enough to dwell on it, I know.” She says meaningfully, knowing exactly where the blonde was going with this conversation.

“You always know.” Ashlyn smiles and goes back into the bathroom, warmth radiating under her skin at how the Ali is always so perceptive…how she always gets her. She loves how easily the two of them communicate whether it’s openly or with silent little looks and discrete soft touches like they did all night tonight without anyone else realizing.

“You know, now I’m the one that feels like tagging Ruby in our kissing picture and telling her to eat her heart out.” Ali calls out with a loud giggle.

“Poor Ruby lost out either way.” Ashlyn lets out a muffled laugh while brushing her teeth. By the time she gets into bed, the brunette’s eyes are fluttering closed. She turns out the light and snuggles close, shifting so Ali can settle on her chest as usual. “Love you, sweetheart. Thanks for a great night. Sweet dreams.” She kisses her slowly for a few seconds before burying her nose into sable hair and inhaling the light scent of her shampoo.

“Mmm love you too, angel. G’night.” Ali finds the spot where she can most clearly hear Ashlyn’s heart beat against her ear, her hand settling on her stomach. “Wait, Ash…”

“Hmm?” Ashlyn replies in a hum.

“If we’re ever sinking on a boat and about to drown, and I’m the one that fucked up and put a hole in the boat…promise you’ll tell me I’m a fucking moron and never apologize that you can’t save us.” Ali requests, her voice thick and a bit grainy with exhaustion.

“Huh?” Ashlyn picks her head up in confusion, finding Ali’s eyes slightly open and searching her face. “That really was a lot to drink for you tonight, wasn’t it?”

“No, no. I’ll explain another time, just promise me.” Ali insists in a low mumble.

“I promise, Al.” Ashlyn smiles at the strange request, unable to deny this woman anything no matter how bizarre it is.

“Thank you.” Ali leaves a few lazy kisses along Ashlyn’s jaw before settling on her chest again.

“Go to sleep my beautiful oddball.” Ashlyn chuckles lightly, feeling Ali’s body fully relax against her.

Ashlyn runs her hand up and down the brunette’s back softly, closing her eyes so she can fully hone in on the warm skin against her own…on the tickling puffs of air against her neck...on the fingertips that always move in absentminded little patterns along her stomach until Ali falls asleep. _Just you and me, and us. _Of all the versions of Ali she’s come to love, this end-of-the-day side of the brunette might be the one she adores most…maybe because she never got to fully experience it until very recently.

Ali’s thick lulling mumble that signals she’s truly tired, letting out a few last scattered thoughts and sweet whispers of love with any energy she has left. Her whiskey eyes that fight to stay open just a bit longer, the ones Ashlyn can feel taking in the details of her face in the dark. The brunette’s arms wrapped around her torso securely, muscles twitching and hands slightly gripping and loosening involuntarily as the tensions of the day release themselves. Those soft lips slightly parting and pressing into her skin as Ali slips into slumber, the warm breath escaping them like an all-night kiss in that very spot. There’s nothing but steady heartbeats and soft breaths…the security of a love that makes her chest ache wonderfully, one deeper than she ever could have imagined…and beautiful, wonderful peace, so much peace. Because it’s just them, the rest of the world disappearing in these pure moments that are so blissfully theirs at the close of the day. The ones nobody else gets to see and experience, the ones she’s already obsessed with.

“I’m so in love with you, Alex. So in love.” Ashlyn kisses her forehead, holding her closer and hearing a nearly imperceptible sleepy moan that means her whispered words will only be heard in dreams tonight.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 8, 2021**

Ashlyn walks into the penthouse, excited to be home a little early on a Friday afternoon because she knows Ali is home already and is hoping to surprise her. She’s only a few steps off the elevator when her eyes track towards the movement over in the right corner. She stops dead in her tracks, plans already changing in her mind.

Ali is over in the home gym area, headphones in and clearly in her own peaceful world as she sits facing the window, legs crossed on the yoga mat and her arms raised in a stretch. Ashlyn quietly takes off her coat and shoes and softly pads into the kitchen, discretely taking a seat at the counter where she has a perfect view. She shamelessly takes in the brunette’s torso that’s mostly exposed with Ali only wearing a sports bra and tight yoga shorts. _You are such a vision._

Half an hour passes in no time with Ashlyn rooted to her spot and completely entranced by Ali’s body, mesmerized by how gracefully she moves from pose to pose in one fluid motion. The rippling muscles and sheen of sweat make it clear how difficult it is and the strength it requires, but you wouldn’t know it from the brunette’s seemingly effortless movements. It’s artistic and beautiful, enthralling in every way and so serene to watch. She’s so zoned in that she doesn’t even react right away when Ali finally notices her, the brunette smiling widely at her while she just sits there staring openly.

“Hey gorgeous, how long have you been home?” Ali asks curiously as she takes out her headphones, feeling herself flush under the look in those hazel eyes even from across the room. She stays seated on the yoga mat, but turns her body in Ashlyn’s direction.

“Uh.” Ashlyn looks at her watch a bit dumbly, trying to compose herself. “Maybe like half an hour.”

“And you’ve been sitting there the whole time?” Ali asks incredulously, knowing she would’ve seen her come in if Ashlyn had gone any further than the kitchen. “Creeper.”

“Well hey, it was a very nice view.” Ashlyn smirks.

“I have a pretty great one myself right now.” Ali really takes her in, having left this morning before Ashlyn was dressed. Her girl looks perfectly put together in fitted gray slacks and a white collared shirt, the sleeves rolled halfway up her forearms, a navy blue skinny tie completing the look. “You look downright sexy.”

“I had a lunch meeting with a developer I used to work with back at Google. Just a catch up, but you never know.” Ashlyn explains her slightly more dressed up look.

“Come here.” Ali beckons her.

Ashlyn gets right up and walks over, impossibly more drawn in than she was a few minutes ago now that the brunette is looking at her with that gleam in her eyes. “You are so fucking beautiful, I don’t even know what to do with myself.” She crouches down and kisses her sweetly.

“Save that charm for later and strip, Stanford.” Ali demands with a flirty smile.

“Oh, so we’re doing _this_ again. Aren’t we supposed to be in the living room though?” Ashlyn questions in amusement, already loosening her tie and tossing it aside before starting on the buttons of her shirt.

“You wish we were doing that. I meant strip as in a get comfy for some yoga kind of strip.” Ali clarifies.

“Jesus Christ, what did I get myself into?” Ashlyn cringes playfully, but continues to take off her clothes until she’s down to her boxer briefs and sports bra.

_Whew, yeah that’ll definitely do._ Ali runs a hand up the blonde’s leg from where she’s still sitting on the yoga mat. “Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. Just some basics.” She promises.

“As if I could say no to you even if you were trying to bend me into a pretzel.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Pretzel is the next lesson.” Ali plays back, reaching for the other yoga mat nearby and unrolling it beside her own. “Sit, babe.” She pats the mat with her hand, smiling when the blonde immediately complies. “Good girl.” She praises her before capturing her lips in a deep kiss.

“That probably should’ve been demeaning, but if you want to keep giving me _that _kind of positive reinforcement, I’ll happily take commands like a puppy.” Ashlyn considers it.

“That can be arranged.” Ali giggles. “For real, I don’t want you getting hurt. So, focus and go slow. The point is to get the positioning correct in a way that’s just enough out of your comfort zone to give you a good stretch but doesn’t hurt at all. It takes quite a while to get flexible to the point of feeling like you’ve got the pose mastered. We’re just going to do a few poses and relax into them, ok?”

“Got it.” Ashlyn nods.

“Let’s start by just sitting cross-legged in a comfortable meditation position. Make sure your back is nice and straight, but arms and shoulders relaxed. Hands on your knees or thighs works well.” Ali looks at the blonde’s position. “Perfect. Now just close your eyes and breathe slowly, try to release any tension you feel.” She watches Ashlyn close her eyes and then does the same, letting about five minutes go by before checking in. “How do you feel?”

“Really chill. Namaste.” Ashlyn teasingly smiles, opening her eyes.

“Namaste to you too, smart ass.” Ali playfully rolls her eyes. “We’re just gonna do some very basic stretches right in this same position just to get our arms, back, and legs loose.”

Ashlyn nods attentively, following along as the brunette leads them through some easy arm and leg motions that look a lot like her usual pre-workout stretching.

“Alright good, let’s get to it. Get on all fours.” Ali instructs.

“Are we still doing yoga here or…?” Ashlyn smirks even as she complies.

“Focus, remember?” Ali warns lightly. “We’re going to start with cat pose and then move into cow pose so you can feel the contrasting movement of the two and which muscles they activate.”

“Why are these all named after animals?” Ashlyn wonders out loud, getting another warning look. “Save questions for later and focus, got it.” She pretends to zip her lip.

“For cat pose you want to lift up and round your upper back, tuck your chin, and move your tailbone towards the mat. Like this.” Ali gets on all fours and demonstrates.

“Alright, think I can handle that.” Ashlyn mimics the move as best she can, feeling a little stretch but finding it easy.

“Not bad, the upper back looks good. But you want more push from your hips so that you fully engage your core.” Ali puts one hand very low on the blonde’s back, the other on her stomach, and gently directs her hips down further. “There we go babe, use all those ab muscles.” She smirks to herself at feeling them tighten against her hand.

“Ok yeah, that turns this up a notch.” Ashlyn can feel her muscles tighten and work to hold what should be a simple stretch.

“Are we still talking about yoga or…?” Ali can’t help but tease.

“Funny, Harvard.” Ashlyn lightly chuckles and feels herself lose the stretch.

“Alright, no laughing. You’re out of whack now.” Ali corrects the blonde’s posture again into the proper position.

“How long do we hold this?” Ashlyn asks, feeling a light sheen of sweat forming.

“Just a little longer. Try to relax into it.” Ali keeps her hands on Ashlyn’s body to maintain some support and waits another thirty seconds. “Alright, let yourself get back into the neutral all fours position and take a few seconds to breathe.”

“Think I’m good.” Ashlyn feels loose again.

“For cow pose, you want to arch your back so your stomach moves down towards the mat and lift your chin up. Watch me first” Ali directs and shows her.

“That feels a little easier to do.” Ashlyn tells her.

“A bit less to keep track of in terms of the movement.” Ali agrees. “Keep your shoulders nice and flat as you arch. Abs tight again.” She moves her hand back to Ashlyn’s stomach while the other goes to the middle of her upper back. “You should really feel that in your lower back.”

“Oh yeah, there it is.” Ashlyn tries to relax into it again. For as much as she works out and stretches, this definitely isn’t that easy and her back and oblique muscles feel fully engaged.

“Now you’re going to slowly move back into that cat pose, hold it for 20 seconds and go back to cow pose for 20 seconds. We’ll alternate a few times like that.” Ali takes it up a level.

“Got it.” Ashlyn acknowledges and follows directions, liking the way the brunette’s hands stay on her body more than she probably should given that they’re exercising.

“Doing so good.” Ali encourages her. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’m actually getting a workout even though I’m barely moving.” Ashlyn laughs.

“That’s the point.” Ali smiles and moves on. “From the all fours position, thread your left arm under your right one and let just your left shoulder come all the way down to the mat. Press your left ear to the mat too.” She demonstrates.

“Whew, that’s some lower back burn.” Ashlyn gets into the pose easily, but can really feel it right away in her back muscles.

“Love this one. Keep that right side up.” Ali helps support the blonde’s right shoulder a bit. “Focus on how you’re breathing, try to keep it slow and even while you hold this pose.” She waits another thirty seconds. “Now come back up to neutral and do the same thing, only thread your right arm under your left and drop your right shoulder down to the mat.”

“This one feels like it gets easier to hold the longer I do it.” Ashlyn remarks.

“Exactly right, the breathing helps you relax more in this one.” Ali nods. “So alternate now a few times, holding 20 seconds on each side.”

Ashlyn does as she’s told, glad when she’s on the side that she can watch Ali do the same exercise right beside her. “I’m going to be sore in the morning, aren’t I?”

“Count on it. Whether it’s from the yoga or not remains to be seen.” Ali smiles mischievously.

“Well how the hell am I supposed to focus now?!” Ashlyn flirts back.

“Just keeping you on your toes.” Ali shrugs. “Let’s try two more. Get back to neutral all fours and you’re going to move into a downward dog pose. You might know that one.”

“I do!” Ashlyn is glad she knows one.

“Great. You want your palms flat on the mat and do your best to get your feet flat too, but it’s ok if your heels lift. Get your hips high and press your chest towards your thighs like you’re making a mountain peak with your body.” Ali guides her and watches her do it.

“How’s that?” Ashlyn checks.

“Really good.” Ali says approvingly. “Do your best to straighten your legs so your knees aren’t so bent. The closer you get to straightening them, the deeper the stretch.” She uses her hands to support Ashlyn’s knees.

“Jesus, can you totally straighten your legs?” Ashlyn asks in disbelief, not coming anywhere close to straightening her own.

“Duh.” Ali quickly shows her, legs totally straight and feet completely flat to the mat.

“Of course you can.” Ashlyn shakes her head as best she can while still in position. “Show off.”

“Harder to hold than you thought, huh?” Ali can see Ashlyn’s legs shaking just a bit.

“Just a little.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Breathe slow, it helps.” Ali reminds her. “Nice, babe. Now come back to neutral, breathe a few seconds and repeat the pose, holding for 20 seconds and then back to neutral.” She watches Ashlyn do a couple more before doing the last few with her. “Ready for one I’m sure you can probably beat me at?”

“Fuck yeah! Finally.” Ashlyn chuckles and rubs her hands together eagerly. “Whatcha got?”

“Just a simple plank to finish it out.” Ali replies. “We’ll just hold it as long as one of us can’t hold it anymore. I’m good for like 2 minutes before I crap out. I’m gonna guess you can go longer?”

“About 10 minutes on my best day ever, more like 5 to 7 on average.” Ashlyn answers.

“Get the fuck out.” Ali says incredulously. “Well this will be a cake walk for you while I die over here. I’m totally gonna make you show me these planking skills another day though.”

“Maybe when you haven’t exhausted my abs with all these animal-named contortions.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Shut up and put up, Stanford.” Ali gets right into position, working hard to hold the full two minutes and trying to go beyond that now that she knows the blonde won’t even be challenged. “Fuck, I’m out.” She drops down onto her stomach and breathes deeply to relieve her screaming muscles. She sticks her tongue out at Ashlyn when she holds strong for another solid minute and pretends to yawn. “We could’ve been done by now.”

“Right.” Ashlyn smiles and relaxes her body. “Pretzel pose to finish up?” She asks jokingly.

“Best for last. The savasana.” Ali informs her.

“The savvy sauna?” Ashlyn wrinkles her nose, heart leaping as usual when Ali’s melodic laugh fills the room. _God I love that laugh._

“Let’s just go with calling it corpse pose.” Ali uses the alternate name.

“Oh yeah, cause that sounds so much better. Apparently she tryin’ to kill me.” Ashlyn looks at her suspiciously, getting a light swat to the arm.

“It’s just laying down and fulling relaxing.” Ali educates her. “Just lay on your back, arms out a little so it feels natural, close your eyes, and just breathe and relax. Let all that tension go.” She doesn’t get into the pose herself, instead just sitting for there several minutes watching the rise and fall of the blonde’s chest and her peaceful looking face. _You are a masterpiece._

Ali quietly scoots herself over so that Ashlyn’s head is in front of her, leaning down and kissing her forehead before using her fingertips to gently massage her temples and scalp.

“That feels so incredibly good.” Ashlyn lets out a contented sigh, feeling like complete mush at the soothing touches. “I love yoga.” She adds happily with the brunette continuing her ministrations for quite a while.

“I knew you’d see it my way.” Ali leans down and kisses her forehead again. “Really though, that was like very basic baby yoga. So, keep that in mind for when I really make you get into it.”

“Such a buzzkill, Harvard.” Ashlyn playfully scowls. “Think I’ll be sticking to baby yoga for a while. That was actually kind of challenging, but totally worth the head massage.” She confesses. “Can I return the favor?” She offers sweetly.

“As much as I’d like that, I got interrupted by an adorable creeper and didn’t stretch to finish up like usual. I’m gonna get really tight if I don’t.” Ali teases. “It’ll just be like 5 more minutes and then maybe we can shower together?”

“Bath?” Ashlyn suggests instead.

“Sold.” Ali smiles and gets right to stretching her muscles.

Ashlyn just sits there and watches her stretch for a few minutes, finding herself gawking again at those back muscles. She figures Ali will be done really soon and she just can’t hold back any longer, slipping her sports bra over her head and moving to sit behind the brunette as she’s leaning forward to stretch her back.

“Um, hi?” Ali quirks an eyebrow and turns her head when she feels Ashlyn’s legs against her outer thighs, the blonde’s warm skin against her back.

“Hi.” Ashlyn whispers, wrapping her arms around Ali’s waist from behind and kissing the back of her neck.

Ali sucks in a breath at the sensation, a flutter in her stomach, the craving building quicker than she can comprehend. She leans back more and a moan escapes her lips. Ashlyn hands move along her sides, fingertips feeling cool against her skin but also igniting a fire in their wake. It’s like the blonde’s hands were made precisely to touch her just like this. “Ash…” She breathes out, reaching back to grasp the blonde’s messy bun and pulling her further in. Her hips squirm slightly at the soft suction on her sweet spot. _Fuck, you’re topless._ Her fingertips dig into Ashlyn’s thigh at feeling nipples harden against her back. The air feels thick and hot, lips now dragging along the sides of her neck and along to the tops of her shoulders repeatedly. “Ash-lyn…unnhmm. Please.” She begs in a half mewl.

“Please what, baby?” Ashlyn questions hotly even as she slips her fingers under Ali’s bra and pulls it over her head, mouth going right back to sucking on her neck. Her hands find already pebbled nipples, giving them a gentle tug to stiffen them further. Ali’s head tilts all the way back against her now, the brunette’s hips continuing to squirm. She lets her tongue flit just behind Ali’s ear and pinches her nipples more firmly between her fingers. “Tell me what you need, beautiful.” She demands.

Before Ashlyn can get an answer, Ali is suddenly turned around on her lap…strong legs curled tight around her waist, hands roaming all over her torso, the brunette’s tongue probing her own with urgency as low moans empty into her mouth. _These thighs are...fuck, Alex. _She grips Ali’s hips, encouraging the gyrating against her lower belly.

Ali breaks away to get air, eyes opening immediately because she just wants to look at her. She’s intoxicated by Ashlyn, searching the blonde’s eyes and finding what she’s looking for. _There...just like always. _A twinkle of fire in that beautiful hazel that she’s confident is hers alone. Sure in this moment that the same fire is reflected in her own gaze and that it hasn’t been there before Ashlyn. _It’s just for me…and mine just for you. _There’s something so gratifying about knowing they’re the only ones that can work each up like this, letting it smolder before stoking it all into a perfect eruption every time. Ashlyn’s usual scent mixed with sweat makes her head spin, but she keeps her eyes on shiny hazel, only dropping her gaze briefly to those pillowy lips.

“Alex…you’re so beautiful.” Ashlyn holds the brunette’s cheek, pressing their foreheads together for a few seconds before kissing her passionately, the pace measured in trying to draw out every ounce of intensity she just saw on Ali’s face.

Everything thrums, energy jolting through Ali’s bloodstream to the point that she almost can’t take it. “I need you.” Ali exhales into Ashlyn’s ear, hugging her tight. “I just need you. Everywhere, all at once.” It’s as vague as she gets, but it’s the truth.

The words make Ashlyn’s breath catch, spoken in that grainy voice that tells her Ali is already well beyond any semblance of control. _I’m yours._ She reluctantly loosens her grip, both of them shifting so she can help the brunette get out of her shorts before pulling down her own boxers and tossing them aside.

Ashlyn doesn’t have time to debate where to take this next before Ali is back in her lap, her hand being dragged down between those strong legs. The brunette lifts up to give her some room and she coats her fingers with the ample wetness she finds there. Ali’s hips lurch forward with a loud whimper at the first touch on her clit, making it clear she’s too worked up for the direct pressure. “I’ve got you, Al.” She positions two fingers at Ali’s entrance and stops there for a second. She presses her nose to the Ali’s and holds her close with her free arm, locking onto whiskey eyes as she enters her slowly.

“Ash…yes…mmmgod.” Ali fully drops herself down and grabs Ashlyn’s forearm to still her. She can feel the blonde’s heartbeat against her own and she just wants to live in this powerful intimacy for a moment…to hold Ashlyn inside her and around her at the same time. “I love you.” The words come out of her mouth at the same time the very same ones are spoken in her ear. They both let out a little laugh and all bets are off when Ashlyn’s fingers involuntarily twitch inside her. Her hips are in motion before she can even register her own movement, gripping the blonde’s shoulders and wildly riding her fingers as expletives spew out of her mouth in a steady stream.

“You feel so fucking good…tight and hot, so amazing baby.” Ashlyn husks fervently, looking down to watch herself disappearing into the brunette. She meets Ali thrust for thrust, her fingers being pulled in so hungrily that it makes her own thighs tighten. Her eyes find the perky breasts practically bouncing in her face before sucking a nipple into her mouth and hearing a scream of pleasure as short fingernails dig into the back of her shoulders. She keeps a steady rhythm, patiently waiting for that tiny little quiver that instinctually makes her curl her fingers in the right spot, something she can only compare to knowing exactly when to catch the perfect wave. It’s barely another minute before her name is repeatedly yelled out raggedly, the brunette throbbing and coming apart on her fingers.

“Oh my god…oh my…god…fuck.” Ali pants breathlessly, face tucked into the side of Ashlyn’s neck, muscles giving way after being clenched tight in orgasm. Her body isn’t done releasing despite relaxing, little spasms still being felt and drawn out by the blonde’s fingers buried deep. She whines in protest when Ashlyn slips out of her, eyes flying open to convey her want for more when she sees the look of loving lust that tells her she’s already perfectly understood. _My body might as well be your own. _“Ash…need you more.” She encourages whatever is coming next.

Ashlyn lays Ali down gently on her back, kissing along the inside of her knees. She kneels down intending to make a feast of that protruding clit when she feels Ali’s feet on her chest stopping her, the brunette giving her the sexiest smirk she’s ever seen. “What’re you doing?” She asks with her head cocked to the side, holding strong calf muscles and smiling as she sits back on her heels.

“Yoga.” Ali says like it’s obvious, the sultry smirk still on her face. She moves her legs to the top of the blonde’s shoulders and keeps sliding forward, her hips increasingly lifting towards Ashlyn’s face even as her upper back stays flat against the floor.

“Holy fuck…ok wow, holy fuck.” Ashlyn stammers through her own heartbeat drumming in her ears, Ali’s glistening center just inches from her mouth, the brunette’s heels pressing into the middle of her back.

Ali patiently waits, adoring the way the blonde stops to marvel at the view every single time…always swallowing hard with the same awe in her eyes as if she’s constantly surprised by the physical evidence of how loved and desired she is. “I’ll wait forever for you, gorgeous…but my abs won’t.” She gently makes it known that she can’t hold this position all that long, lightly tapping Ashlyn’s knee.

“You’re just so…perfect.” Ashlyn says reverently, sliding her hands to Ali’s ass to help support her and taking one more second to stare before eagerly burying her face into soaking wet folds. “Mmmmm.” She moans right along with Ali, curling her arms around the brunette’s thighs and pulling her in tighter.

“Ash…so good…you’re so…fucking… good…mmmm ohmygod!” Ali’s hips are rolling into the blonde’s face, her fingers scratching as they fail to find a grip on the yoga mat underneath her. Ashlyn is quickly alternating between licking patterns over her clit and softly sucking the sensitive bud between her lips over and over again for several minutes. It’s methodical and dizzying, keeping her perfectly along the edge without being enough to put her over even though the pressure deep in her belly keeps steadily building. She feels her stomach muscles trembling in exhaustion and digs her heels into Ashlyn’s back to convey the need for greater haste.

Ashlyn smirks against Ali’s clit and holds it between her lips, using the tip of her tongue to flick it in rapid succession for a few seconds. The brunette lets out a deep grunt and finds renewed strength to raise her hips again. “There we go.” She playfully bites Ali’s inner thigh before using more of her own strength to support her better. She goes right back to her deliberate alternating technique, feeling the brunette’s clit get increasingly swollen in her mouth. She stays the course until Ali is just a writhing, breathless mess of moans, her chest and face flushed, her nipples dark pink stiff peaks. “You could not be any fucking hotter, Al…look at you.” She runs a hand up Ali’s strained ab muscles and softly squeezes her left breast.

“Please…don’t stop…I need…” Ali’s voice sputters into sharp gasp when she feels Ashlyn immediately latch back onto her clit.

“I know, sweetheart.” Ashlyn sucks softly one more time before plunging her tongue inside without any warning, anticipating the jerk of Ali’s hips and holding her tight against her mouth. She swirls hard against silken walls, moving in and out at a fast pace intended to create tremendous pressure. Her name echoes through the penthouse, Ali’s hands gripping her knees so hard that her knuckles are white. “Come for me, Alex.” She demands huskily, moving a thumb to the brunette’s clit and feeling her whole body go rigid before everything starts rippling in climax.

Ali is so breathless that the pleasured wails in her throat come out as stifled squeaks, her eyes so tightly shut that she can see tiny prinks of lights behind her eyelids. Her body feels heavy and uncontrolled, her back softly hitting the floor before warm skin surrounds her own and lips press all over her face. Sweet words are whispered in her ear as she’s held securely, long fingers keeping feather light contact against her most intimate spot as she rides out the high to its fullest. _Heaven…this is heaven. You are heaven, Ashlyn._

Ashlyn watches the brunette’s face as she recovers, letting the world stop around her so she can fully relish in the mix of love and luck she feels when they’re close like this. It’s something she’s never felt before Ali…the confidence of completely losing yourself in someone knowing you’ll never get lost. There is no way to get lost with Ali, it’s just a new adventure as long as they’re together. It makes her feel unbreakable. Like she can actually go right to very edge of the cliff, just like she does with everything else in life, and she’s safe there. Ali’s palm is hot against her ribs, the brunette’s slightly moving fingertips going from tickling to tingling. She lets out a long breath and closes her eyes, her body reminding her just how revved up it has been from the minute she got home and started watching Ali’s exercise routine.

Ali moves her hand to Ashlyn’s back, raking gently up and down. _You’re so patient, love. _She can feel the blonde’s needy energy by the way Ashlyn’s fingers tremble ever so slightly against her skin, by her calm but deeper breathing, by her clenched thighs. All of it being held back selflessly, Ashlyn’s attention still clearly on her instead of her own desires. “You’re my favorite person…the best thing that has ever happened to me.” She whispers into her ear, kissing her heatedly before Ashlyn can even open her eyes. _You make my world explode with a kiss…just a kiss._

“Alex, I want…” Ashlyn loses her ability to speak, immediately struck by the light dancing in the whiskey eyes that just opened and locked onto her own. As if she didn’t already know exactly what every inch of her wants right now, the ardent spark in beautiful whiskey cements it.

_I feel you, Ash. _Ali knows _that_ expression the moment it flashes on Ashlyn’s face, exactly the same she as saw it the first time…an unmistakable blend of deep love and desire along with a nervous anticipation. She knows what’s coming next well before Ashlyn rolls over and reaches to pull her tight against her back.

“Nobody else has ever…not since…” Ashlyn attempts to be vocal again, but gets distracted by the hand moving up her stomach and under the swell of her breast.

“It’s ok, I know…it’s just ours.” _All of this is just ours, but especially that._ Ali let’s everything inside instinctually shift, knowing that’s all she needs this time around, the flicker of nervousness from the first time gone. “Get on all fours.” She gently bites the blonde’s ear, her voice lower and more commanding.

_Fuck, yes. Take me all the way there, beautiful. Own me completely._ Ashlyn’s breath hitches at the demand, squeezing Ali’s hand before getting into position and turning her head back to look at her. “Told you this was way more insinuating than a yoga pose.” She can’t help but tease with a little snicker, sucking in a breath when Ali’s thigh presses right up against her center.

“If you thought it was insinuating before…” Ali runs a finger through the blonde’s already drenched folds and hears her inhale sharply. “You’re not gonna be able to hear the word yoga anymore without getting this level of wet.” She grips Ashlyn’s hips and pulls her back further against her thigh, done with teasing now.

“God, Alex…” Ashlyn tries to remember to breathe, that last tug on her hips drawing her attention to just how exposed and susceptible she is. The hot kisses down her spine just amplify it further, but there’s no fear in it now. Absolutely none. A hand strokes over her abs, hard nipples pressed into her back, and that sexy low voice is back in her ear.

“Ashlyn, you’re my love…_my love_…mine.” Ali makes those two words crystal clear, remembering just how important they were the first time, how the possessive nature of them had navigated them through. She slowly licks her way down the blonde’s back and reaches around to stroke her nipples, listening to the increasing moans until she hears that desperate whimper she was waiting for. And then there’s no more soft and no more slow, only unyielding and raw passion to the finish.

Ashlyn’s head hits the yoga mat, her arms already struggling to hold her up as Ali hands spread her wide open and a warm tongue fills her so suddenly that it makes her stomach flip. “Fuck…yes…fuck, fuck…” All she can do is repeat the expletive through panting breaths, not even cognizant of where exactly Ali’s mouth is on her pulsating anatomy because she’s being literally devoured from entrance to clit. “Close, Al…please, fuck…please.” Her arms shake uncontrollably, elbows bending as they start to fail her.

Ali pulls her mouth away, using just her thumb to rub the blonde’s clit with firm pressure as she leans over her back again and gets close to her ear. “You’re dripping all over me, babe…so wet and sexy. Let go so you can get all loose for me again. So I can fuck that perfect pussy until you’re so tight around my fingers that I can’t move. I want you. Let go, my love.” She uses vulgarity to bring on the clitoral orgasm she was working for, hearing her name yelled through a deep grunt before Ashlyn collapses forward in a tremoring heap.

Ali lets the blonde catch her breath for a minute, knowing that the purposely half-satisfying release was only enough to barely scratch the itch. She’s up on her knees and pulling Ashlyn up tight against her chest the second she hears her breathing even out a bit. “Tell me.” She demands huskily. She lets her fingernails lightly scratch the course patch of hair on Ashlyn’s mound but goes no further, her other hand palming the blonde’s right breast.

“Al.” Ashlyn tries hard to focus through her fogged mind, leaning back further into her girl.

“Tell me.” Ali repeats, just waiting to explicitly be given full control again.

“Fuck me.” Ashlyn rasps out, her voice deep and wanting. “Fuck me like I’m yours…cause I am. I’m fucking yours this time. I’m yours now…please. Oh…shit.” Two fingers slide in knuckle deep, spreading apart and rotating a few times against her walls, the slight stretch positively delicious. “Aleeex…yeah, oh holy fuck don’t stop.”

“Mine.” Ali reminds her and sucks hard right between her shoulder blades as she pulls her fingers almost all the way out and firmly pumps right back in.

“Harder…fuck me harder…_because_ I’m yours.” Ashlyn gets out the request before giving herself over completely, losing track of time and space so easily. Ali is the only thing holding her up, the sweaty body against her back feeling like a part of her own. Her squealing moans are mixed with the soft wet slapping of the brunette’s hand thrusting into her at a furious pace, Ali’s breathy grunts of exertion joining the symphony. It’s all encompassing and disorienting, her entire being lost in the entanglement of it all but anchored to the person that owns her body, owns her heart. Secure and protected in the overwhelming frenzy that is nothing but glorious as it spills over into an unstoppable release that makes her scream out Ali’s name. She uses her last bit of energy to pull Ali down with her as she crumbles forward, letting out a content staggered sigh at the brunette’s wonderful weigh on her back.

“I love you. I love you more than literally fucking everything, Ashlyn Harris.” Ali rests her cheek against the back of the blonde’s neck and works to catch her breath right along with her. “You’re beautiful…you’re fucking perfect. And I love you.”

“Love you…too…so much.” Ashlyn replies back with her chest still heaving for air, reaching blindly to find Ali’s hand and entwining their fingers.

They lie still and quiet for a while, bodies spent and sated. Ali smiles into the back of Ashlyn’s shoulder when large hands reach back to lightly squeeze her ass.

“I fucking love yoga.” Ashlyn says adamantly.

“Don’t be a _poser_, Stanford.” Ali laughs at her own pun and rolls off the blonde, the two of them moving to lie flat on their backs next to each other.

“Worst jokes, best laugh.” Ashlyn stretches her neck to kiss the top of Ali’s arm. “I finally get why they call this corpse pose…you totally just killed me.”

“Pretty sure you killed me first.” Ali finds Ashlyn’s wrist and holds it as she looks up at the ceiling.

“That’s a _stretch_.” Ashlyn throws out her own pun, the two of them cracking up into a fit of giggles.

“Oh my god, stop. My abs are already sore.” Ali groans even while she keeps laughing.

“Yeah, what the fuck with that? How on earth can you do that, but not plank more than a couple minutes?” Ashlyn inquires mirthfully, mind filled with erotic images of the brunette’s thighs draped on her shoulders, abs popping out, and crotch right in her face.

“Eh, I was highly motivated.” Ali shrugs with a wicked smile.

“That was so fucking hot.” Ashlyn tells her freely.

“Newsflash. The whole last hour was so fucking hot.” Ali amends.

“Preach!” Ashlyn rolls onto her side, hand moving across Ali’s stomach and seeing her wince slightly. “You weren’t kidding about being sore?”

“A full yoga workout, extra little workout with you, and then that move I sure as hell haven’t tried before… yeah, I feel the burn to say the least.” Ali confesses. “Nothing some Advil won’t cure.”

“Mmm, ok.” Ashlyn hums lazily, dropping her head against the brunette’s chest and kissing her collarbone a few times. “We can be sloths on the couch for the rest of the night.”

“Sounds amazing.” Ali agrees happily.

“Want to have a prepped dinner or order in?” Ashlyn asks.

“Either. I’m _flexible_.” Ali deadpans, but her nose-crinkling smile gives her away.

“How many lame jokes can a person have?” Ashlyn tries not to laugh, but fails.

“My yoga ones are endless.” Ali informs her.

“Greeeat. Anyway, hot bath?” Ashlyn reminds her.

“_Namaste_ right here.” Ali can’t help herself, already giggling again.

“Oh my god, Harvard. You’re impossible.” Ashlyn shakes her head with a dimpled grin, completely enamored by the silliness after so much intensity between them. “Come on, yoga nerd.” She wraps her arms around Ali to help her sit up and then stand up so she doesn’t have to use her stomach muscles.

“Sweetest in the world.” Ali hugs her as they stand there, smiling into her neck as the next lame pun pops into her mind. “Always _bending over backwards_ for me.”

“Seriously right now?” Ashlyn stands back and looks at her incredulously, both of them bursting into laughter yet again. _You’re the best of everything. _She leans in and kisses Ali deeply mid laugh, a surprised little moan emptying into her mouth.

“What was that for?” Ali asks in amusement as they pull away a bit breathlessly.

“I just really love you, sweetheart.” Ashlyn says warmly.

“Even my terrible yoga jokes?” Ali raises and eyebrow.

“Especially your terrible yoga jokes.” Ashlyn concedes, stealing another lingering kiss before leading them up the stairs.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 10, 2021**

Ashlyn opens an eye when her phone buzzes on the nightstand, noting the bright sunlight streaming in through the window of the condo’s master bedroom. She rolls off her belly, draping an arm over Ali’s stomach and cozying into the brunette’s side, content to go back to sleep. She quietly groans when she hears her phone buzz again, reaching to grab it and read the texts.

_Luz: Turns out the NY Times can write an article that mentions both of us and isn’t total trash, who knew?! Milagre!_

_Luz: Truly happy for you, Ashlyn. You knew who you were supposed to be with and didn’t give up on it. I can admire that now. Xuxu got her xuxu ;-D_

“You ok?” Ali asks groggily at hearing Ashlyn sigh softly, opening her eyes to see the blonde looking at her phone.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Ashlyn softly pecks her lips. “I’m fine. Just learning that we’re in the newspaper apparently.” She hands her phone over to Ali.

“That didn’t take long.” Ali reads the text.

“Never does.” Ashlyn rubs her eyes.

“Well, guess it’s not ‘total trash’ whatever it says.” Ali makes air quotes with her fingers.

“That’s relative, trust me.” Ashlyn knows better.

“What is ex-u-ex-u?” Ali does her best to pronounce the odd word.

“Xuxu.” Ashlyn corrects. “It’s some strange Brazilian term of endearment equivalent to sweetie or honey. And also my Luz-assigned former pet name.” She shakes her head.

“My big soft teddy bear.” Ali lets out a loud chortle at the thought of Ashlyn being called xuxu. “Becky will never stand for that.”

“Probably not…then again, Luz is a force to be reckoned with.” Ashlyn considers it with a chuckle.

“I believe it. I find her intimidating just seeing her on TV.” Ali admits.

“Exactly, so you can’t even laugh at me. You thought Crystal was a little intimidating with her whole protective friend speech and she doesn’t even rank on the intimidation scale compared to Luz.” Ashlyn points out.

“Touché. Let’s not forget that I have to deal with Syd though.” Ali counters.

“That’s true. God, Luz and Syd joining forces in the same room…” Ashlyn puts it out into the universe.

“Bitch power overload.” Ali laughs.

“Seriously.” Ashlyn agrees. “Alright, do you get the NY Times?” She asks, not having noticed one way or the other.

“Fuck no. Not since they leaked all that shit about you.” Ali says protectively.

“Oof, down girl.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “Love you so hard for that though.” She kisses her cheek. “Online version it is.” She takes a minute to locate the article on the website so they can read it.

** _Power Couple Squared_ **

_Through a post on none other than the social media platform she invented, Instagram founder and Hargen, Inc. CEO, Ashlyn Harris, has let the world know that Luz Rainha isn’t the only one who landed on her feet with a perfect ten. After Harris and her congressional flame parted ways late this past year, Rainha has strutted hand-in-hand with her campaign manager (Rebecca Sauerbrunn), the two of them a highly regarded and united political couple that have captured hearts quickly in the public eye. Harris has seemingly been all business since then with an already wildly successful app launch to start the new year. All business, so we thought. In a rare personal post this week, Harris’ love was professed far and wide with heart eyes and plenty of PDA to boot. All directed at Ali Krieger, notable in her own right as the best-selling author of ‘Sex is the Least of It’ and a well-known sex and relationship expert here in the city. While we don’t have the backstory on how these two got together, Harris once revealed in a NY Times exclusive interview about her past that she had once sought the help of a sex therapist to overcome a prior traumatic relationship. Coincidence? We’ll let you do the math. Regardless, this is a hot new power couple to keep your eye on and you can bet we will be!_

“See, trash is relative. Not total trash doesn’t mean no trash.” Ashlyn scrunches her nose up at the last couple sentences.

“Yeah, wasn’t anything bad. Still kinda cringey though.” Ali agrees. “Keep an eye on us.” She scoffs. “Please, somebody gonna lose an eye if they start watching too closely.”

“Oh, hello. Who is this intimidating Harvard girl that we have here?” Ashlyn waggles her eyebrows teasingly.

“Nobody fucks with my girl, even if she did go to an inferior school.” Ali dishes it right back.

“See, that was so hot until you killed the vibe with that last part.” Ashlyn pretends to frown.

“You think that was a buzzkill, wait until I have to sit down with the ethics board and explain this article.” Ali rolls her eyes. “I give it a week before they’re calling me.”

“Fuck, really?” Ashlyn sits up in concern.

“For sure, without fail. Don’t worry, just the pain in the ass of having to deal with it.” Ali assures her.

“Is it an issue that we’re together?” Ashlyn probes more.

“Nope. They won’t love it, but there’s nothing about it that prompts any kind of action and nothing they can say about it.” Ali explains. “They can only ethically regulate my normal therapy practice and licensing. While they maintain a licensure structure for sex surrogates to operate under legally, there aren’t formal ethical guidelines to abide by. Mostly because the whole thing is too new and not fully understood. Under the normal therapy requirements, I just couldn’t mix my routine practice with my surrogacy practice. So any surrogate clients had to be referred by another therapist and couldn’t be one of my own routine therapy clients. Nor could I transition a surrogate client into being a routine client. Anyway, not an issue since you were never a routine therapy client of mine. And you haven’t been my client at all for a couple years now. And I don’t have a surrogacy practice anymore. So just some formal check-in bullshit to deal with when they decide to investigate.”

“Christ, that’s complicated.” Ashlyn takes it all in. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m not.” Ali smiles and leans in for a chaste kiss. “You are worth every miserable second spent with some nitpicky old white dude who thinks he’s Freud.”

“Good to know, but you’re the perfect ten so…” Ashlyn winks, referring back to the article.

“Cute, babe. So is Becky apparently.” Ali laughs. “Speaking of, reply back to Luz so we can get ready and have a lazy morning at my favorite café now that we’re up.”

“I love the way you think.” Ashlyn grins as she types the text.

_Ashlyn: Thanks for the heads up. I was hoping I wasn’t newsworthy anymore, but no such luck. Speaking of which, I fully support you ripping Zuckerberg a new asshole. Barely sworn into congress and already kicking ass. Keep up the good work! And also, thank you. I’m happy that we’re both happy. Say hi to Becky._

Ashlyn doesn’t even manage to finish brushing her teeth before she gets a reply.

_Luz: Can’t believe you could stand to work with that robot alien imbecile! So, Becky and Ali are old friends from Harvard I learned. I’m more in D.C. than in NYC for the next month, but week of Feb 15th I’m less crazy. We’ll all do coffee together, plan for it._

Ashlyn can only chuckle at the typical request in the form of a demand as she shows the text to Ali. “Thoughts about doing this whole ex thing?”

“You’re asking the woman who still counts her ex-husband among her closest friends and you’ll absolutely be meeting him.” Ali reminds her. “Was bound to happen anyway with me being friends with Becky.”

“Both good points. So, yes to this?” Ashlyn checks to be sure and gets a nod before she types a reply.

_Ashlyn: Are you really trying to be friends with your ex AND her girlfriend, Ms. Rainha? You feeling ok? ;-) Coffee double date confirmed, just tell us when._

_Luz: Ei, someone has to lead this country into civility! Text you details when I have them. Tell Ali hi (I’m growing)_

“Done and done.” Ashlyn shows Ali the last exchange.

“Bring on the fire-breathing ex-girlfriend.” Ali jokes. “At least I have a month to call Becky and prepare myself.”

“Awww, baby. I’ll protect you from the scary congress lady.” Ashlyn teases back.

“Whatever you say, _xuxu_.” Ali kisses Ashlyn’s shoulder and lightly pinches her ass with a smirk.

“You did not.” Ashlyn narrows her eyes in jest at the brunette through the mirror.

“Oh, I did. Whatcha gonna do about it?” Ali challenges as she walks back into the bedroom, only making it a few steps before she’s lifted into the blonde’s arms and dropped onto the bed.

“I tell you what I’m gonna do about it…” Ashlyn hovers over her.

“What’s that?” Ali playfully quirks an eyebrow, breath hitching when a thigh settles between her legs and soft lips ghost her own.

“Yoga.” Ashlyn mumbles, smiling smugly into the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on how the first real friend hangout went?  
How are we feeling about this future coffee date?


	51. Ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been fooorever! So sorry about the longer delays in getting chapters out, life seems to be getting busier and I'm just trying to keep up. Thank for you being patient! I'll keep writing and getting updates out as fast as I can. I hope this very long chapter is worth the wait. The lives of these two lovelies are getting more and more blended, so enjoy the fluff and shenanigans along the way!
> 
> As always, drop me a comment with your thoughts...it's always fuel to keep me going :-)

Ass

**January 11, 2021**

“Hello, this is Ali Krieger.” Ali rushes to answer her office phone after just getting in the door.

“Oh hi Ali, it’s Mark. Wasn’t expecting you to pick up and was just going to leave you a message. Good morning.” Mark Foster’s voice greets her.

“Hi Mark, everything ok?” Ali immediately wonders why he called her this early and at her office rather than on her cellphone.

“Everything is great, just didn’t want to interrupt your day. I know how the weeks after holidays are.” He says considerately.

“Tell me about it. So, what’s up?” Ali asks.

“I just read the paper yesterday and to say my eyes fell out of my skull would be an understatement.” He divulges. “I’m beyond happy to see that lady luck was as kind to you as she was to me when it came down to odds. As much as I love my wife, I’m gonna say lady luck was even kinder to you than me though. Ashlyn Harris…that’s seriously who we were talking about?”

“Ashlyn Harris.” Ali confirms, an involuntary grin on her face. “I won’t compare luck, but sooo lucky. Love doesn’t know odds I guess.”

“Sure doesn’t. Unbelievable. You’ll have to tell me some time all about how you two reunited. I’m really happy for you.” Mark says genuinely. “And also for me, because now I don’t feel so alone in my notoriety.” He adds with a laugh.

“Thanks, I’m pretty damn happy myself. And yeah, add me to the scandalous surrogate list!” Ali laughs.

“I was actually calling about that too.” Mark cuts to the chase. “You can be sure that Jonah Davis will be up your ass and around the corner in no time, pardon my language. He was certainly up mine.”

“The VP of the ethics board?” Ali says quizzically.

“Yep. That guy would take down the whole sex surrogate network if it was up to him. He’s not a fan. And you can bet the second he reads that article or hears about it, he’ll volunteer to be the one to ‘check in’ with you.” Mark explains.

“Hmph. I’ve had the routine evaluations with several board members when I was a surrogate, but never dealt with him. Should I be worried?” Ali’s brow furrows in concern.

“Not really. I mean, there’s nothing he can really do in your case. I bet he’ll be even more pissed when he realizes you don’t even have a surrogate practice anymore for him to harp on. He’ll dig for every chance to do something though, so just be prepared with as much as you can so he has nothing to speculate about.” Mark suggests.

“Thanks for the heads up. I was planning to be prepared, but I probably need to double-down to be safe.” Ali says gratefully.

“Exactly right. Literally prepare anything you can legally share. Your outside referral paperwork that shows your client wasn’t self-referred, your billing that shows you billed exclusively as a surrogate and there was no blend of therapy practices. Really anything you have on hand that isn’t your confidential client notes and records. You may not use most of it, but just have it ready.” Marc elaborates.

“Prepare for battle. Got it. Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.” Ali says sincerely.

“Of course, I remember the excitement of being at the start of a relationship like this. No need to let anyone take away from that when you can be prepared.” Mark tells her warmly. “I need to run because I have an appointment coming up and I’m sure you probably do too. Coffee soon?”

“Absolutely. Hey, maybe we can double date? I haven’t met this famous wife of yours.” Ali suggests.

“Well I’m sure not saying no to meeting Ashlyn Harris!” Mark exclaims. “I love that idea.” He says more calmly.

“Oh sure, just come for the billionaire social media goddess.” Ali laughs.

“Can you blame me?” Mark questions playfully.

“Please, forget _you_. Now that you know who she is, can you blame _me_?” Ali jokes right back.

“Definitely not! You have restraint beyond measure.” Mark replies. “We’ll be in touch, see you soon. And good luck with the board, keep me posted on it.”

“I will. Thanks again!” Ali says appreciatively before they both say goodbye and hang up. Although she had originally planned to spend her free time this morning grabbing coffee and catching up on the news, she busies herself with starting to gather paperwork like Mark suggested.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 18, 2021**

“Shit, I’m sorry! I didn’t think anyone would be here.” Kyle apologizes after walking into Ali’s condo and finding Ashlyn in the kitchen.

“Hey Kyle! Relax, this is your home. You’re free to come and go whenever you want, me being here doesn’t change that.” Ashlyn tells him with a smile.

“Please hunny, I’m more thankful than ever that I have my own apartment. Love you both, but I _do_ _not_ need to be coming and going while you two are coming.” He raises an eyebrow.

“Right.” Ashlyn shakes her head as a slight blush spreads across her cheeks. She’s glad that she and Ali had pizza with him this past Friday night, giving her a little more time to get to know him and get used to his lack of filter. “Anyway, what brings you by?”

“I’m doing some on-location hairstyling today for a photoshoot nearby and they just called to tell me they’re delayed a while. I was already practically there, so I figured I’d stay close and hang here to kill time. Thought no one would be here since it’s middle of the day on a Monday.” He shrugs.

“I’m usually at work, but we rent our office space and the building owner is doing the annual fire alarm and security system checks today. So, everyone is just working from home to make it easier.” Ashlyn explains. “Ali and I are staying here tonight, so I figured I’d work from here and already be here for later.”

“Well I don’t want to bother you, so I’ll just go chill at a café. That’s what I was originally thinking of doing since I was already running a little early before they called me.” Kyle insists.

“Absolutely not. I was starving and done working anyway.” Ashlyn waves him off. “I know it’s not even noon yet, but you want some lunch? I made avocado chicken salad and there’s plenty.” She motions to the food she made.

“Geez woman, you’re way too nice. But I missed breakfast and that looks fucking fabulous. So, hell yes I want lunch!” Kyle says after peeking into the bowl of chicken salad on the counter, mouth already watering over how fresh and delicious it looks.

“Coming right up, just give me a minute to toast the bread.” Ashlyn replies.

“Oooh, she’s gonna warm my buns too.” Kyle smirks.

“You and your sister have a very similar sense of humor, you know that?” Ashlyn chuckles.

“I taught her everything she knows. Don’t let her tell you otherwise.” Kyle waves his hand dramatically.

“As if you think I won’t believe every word she says.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Ugh, as if I could forget how disgustingly in love you two are.” Kyle rolls his eye with a smile.

“Now there’s something I don’t know about you yet and probably should. Any special someone in your life?” Ashlyn inquires.

“That’s a big zero, zilch, nada, nope. Every so often I date someone for more than a month and think it’s gonna be something, but then I just love my alone time too much. Like I can’t get passed the idea of having to share my space with someone long-term. I want it, but then I also don’t.” Kyle thinks out loud. “Maybe I can find a hot boyfriend who wants to get married, but then we live in separate apartments in the same building. Is that asking too much?”

“Nope. Sounds reasonable.” Ashlyn deadpans. “I think it’s probably just about finding the right person though. I’m this strange combo of someone who likes my space even though I don’t love to be alone. Kind of impossible either way. Except when it comes to your sister…her I want as close as possible all the time.” She smiles at the thought.

“Wait until she really lets her princess guard down and starts like farting around you and stuff. You’ll change your tune.” Kyle teases.

“Nah, I already know I’ll just adore it somehow.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I swear, if I could have her in my lap all day, I would.” She exaggerates a bit to make her point.

“Yeah, I bet you would.” Kyle raises his eyebrows.

“And that totally came out wrong. You know what I meant.” Ashlyn’s cheeks flush again as she busies herself with making Kyle’s sandwich.

“Mhmm, I know _exactly_ what you meant. Own it, queen.” Kyle keeps up his antics.

“You’re impossible.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Proudly.” Kyle says with satisfaction as he watches Ashlyn put a plate down in front of him. “That looks fucking fantastic! Ali wasn’t kidding when she said you could cook.”

“It’s just a sandwich. Certainly not a Herculean effort here.” Ashlyn says modestly.

“Just a sandwich, please!” Kyle scoffs. “People say chicken salad and it’s always some grayish slop between two pieces of bread. This is practically rainbow colored with all the veggies you have in there and looks like something they serve at the Ritz. Next you’re gonna tell me you handmade the potato chips.”

“Sure, if my name was Frito-Lay.” Ashlyn jokes and holds up the bag of Lay’s chips.

“Frito-Lay! You truly could not set me up any better for dirty joke!” Kyle guffaws.

“Oh god, yeah that was bad.” Ashlyn puts her hand on her forehead. “I haven’t had enough coffee today for this.”

“I’m gonna be nice and bite my tongue because you made me this amazing lunch.” Kyle goes easy on her and walks to the fridge. “What do you wanna drink, queen?”

“Water is good, thank you.” Ashlyn replies, bringing both of their plates over to the table.

“Oh my gosh, this sandwich is like gay rights!” Kyle exclaims after a huge bite, mouth still full. “Seriously, so incredibly good!”

“Thanks.” Ashlyn smiles. “I was raised by my Southern grandma who loved to be in the kitchen above anywhere else. I picked up a few tricks along the way.”

“You aren’t kidding.” Kyle takes another big bite. “Our Mom was more of a mac and cheese out-of-the-box and take-out kinda girl.”

“I guess that explains Ali’s Walking Frito Pie.” Ashlyn snickers.

“Hunny does know how to eat out of an NYC bodega like nobody else, but bleh.” Kyle wrinkles his nose. “She makes a mean salad though, so stick with those.”

“Noted.” Ashlyn acknowledges, the two of them eating quietly for a minute.

“So, can I ask you a personal question?” Kyle puts his sandwich down.

“Of course.” Ashlyn nods.

“You totally don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. It’s just the whole thing of not knowing many other people that have lost their parents too young and wanting to connect over it. And flat out curiosity too.” Kyle prefaces his question. “Can I ask how your mom died? It was never in any of that stuff that got leaked about you, and even before I knew you it felt way too fucked up to go digging to find out.”

“I don’t mind at all.” She reassures him before answering openly. “She died of ALS just after my first birthday. I never really knew her.”

“I’m really sorry.” Kyle says sincerely, especially knowing what came after that. It definitely makes the woman’s father having a violent breakdown make more sense. “I actually don’t really know what ALS is.” He confesses.

“No worries, it’s fairly rare and most people know it better as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Steven Hawking is someone notable that had it. Anyway, it progressively breaks down the nervous system and shuts down muscle function until the person can’t even breathe on their own. Their brain functions perfectly, but they can’t speak or move anything once it’s at its worst.” Ashlyn explains. “She got diagnosed when she was pregnant with me and knowingly chose to have me even though she knew it would majorly speed everything up and significantly shorten her life. Some people live many years with it, but she wasn’t able to.”

“I…I don’t even know what to say other than I’m sorry.” Kyle utters solemnly, his mind inevitably trying to work out how he would feel about having that kind of experience of losing a parent versus his own.

“It’s ok. I’ve had whole lifetime to think about it and I still don’t know exactly what to say.” Ashlyn gives him a soft smile.

“Well I’ve definitely learned to say that life is a cruel bitch, that’s for sure.” Kyle says resolutely.

“Yep…but it’s also miraculous too. Depends on the day really.” Ashlyn adds her own insight.

“Oookay, we already know you’re in looooove.” Kyle sasses her.

“Alright, alright. I may be a tad biased lately.” Ashlyn admits.

“A tad?! Please hunny! Whatevs. It’s about my sister, so you just bias yourself all you want.” He says approvingly.

“Well thank you for your blessing.” Ashlyn laughs before bringing back the more subdued conversation. “So, can I ask you a personal question then?”

“Nope.” Kyle replies with sarcasm before breaking into a smile. “You can ask whatever you want. Most people have a line you don’t cross. I am not one of those people. No line. At all. So whether it’s butthole hair or wet dreams, don’t be shy queen.”

“Jesus Christ. I will NEVER…and I repeat NE-VER, ask you about either of those things or anything close to it.” Ashlyn pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Suit yourself, but don’t expect me not to ask you.” Kyle lightly taps her forearm in jest, watching her eyes widen. “Kidding! Whatcha wanna know?”

“Uh geez…it seems so wrong to ask anything remotely serious after butthole was just said, but here goes.” Ashlyn takes a few seconds to reset herself. “So when Ali took me to the 9/11 museum, she explained to me that going there is a way for her to deal with her anger so she can find some peace. But she said that for you, it was more of a motivation thing. I guess I just wanted to understand it better and she told me I should ask you directly.”

“Oh, the queen is going deep. Good thing I like it deep.” He gets a groan in reply before toning himself down to answer properly. “Let me just give you the quick and dirty background so it makes sense. So, our Mom died the summer right after I finished two years at hairdresser school. Ali was about to head into her sophomore year at Harvard. With me so far?” He pauses so he can finish wolfing down the last bite of his sandwich.

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods, already knowing when it happened in terms of where Ali was in her life.

“Obviously, it tore us both to shreds. And for me, I just flat out couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t sit another fucking minute in this damn city mourning my life away.” Kyle starts there. “As much as we were a pretty close family in general, I was always way closer to our Mom. We have the same high-energy and in-your-face personality. Our Dad was much more chill, more sensible and level-headed. Ali is like the perfect blend of both of them…insightful, blunt, and ambitious, but in a way that isn’t too brash or loud or over-the-top. She always had this way of bringing out sides of our Dad that I didn’t see much. Ali was always motivated with a plan for exactly where she was going in life. And I just flailed around looking for the next sign that might suggest some kind of direction. I loved my Dad dearly and 9/11 was awful in every way imaginable, but my Mom’s death just gutted me. Like the one person who I related to most and completely understood the way I kinda aimlessly wandered my way through life was just gone.”

“So, you left?” Ashlyn states more than asks, knowing that exact feeling of not wanting to spend another minute in a place where you feel unglued.

“I did.” Kyle nods. “I moved to L.A. not even a month after she died. Maybe I shouldn’t have, I don’t know. Ali had her life together…married, off at a crazy good college getting herself ready for whatever great thing she was gonna do next. We’ve always had this way of being each other’s protectors, and I just didn’t want her to have to hold me up along with everything else she was gonna have to hold up. I just needed to get the fuck out of a place where everywhere I turned was a reminder of how much of a mess everything was, you know?”

“Definitely don’t have to explain that to the girl who hightailed it to the west coast for college cause it was on the opposite side of the country from the hell that was Florida.” Ashlyn tells him plainly. “Why do you say that maybe you shouldn’t have done it?”

“For starters, because I left Ali here to just deal with everything. The condo, our Mom’s office space, just all those things that needed to be wrapped up. I only ever came back for a couple days around 9/11 for the memorial ceremony. I know she had Brian and Syd and HAO to help, but it wasn’t fair to put it on her. And because of that she never got to be free from here like I did. Because of that, she never quite let go and healed the way she should have.” Kyle confesses.

“I’m not sure she would’ve left even if she had the chance.” Ashlyn considers it based on everything Ali has told her.

“Maybe not, but she should’ve been able to make that choice without me pretty much forcing it on her.” Kyle shrugs. “Plus, going to L.A. was an excuse to self-wallow and be a fuck up with no responsibilities. I said I was moving there to get into the high-end hairstyling scene to launch my career. All I really did was get trashed at parties and turn myself into an alcoholic. I wasn’t even old enough to legally drink the first couple months I was there, but when there’s a will, there’s a way.”

“Fuck.” Ashlyn whispers softly, so much clicking in her head about the way Ali is careful with alcohol.

“Yep. I can own it all now and not beat myself up for it, but it was a process.” Kyle says candidly.

“How long were you in L.A.?” Ashlyn asks.

“About two years of drunken stupor and another year of recovery.” Kyle replies simply.

“Did Ali know it was happening?” Ashlyn probes. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that. I’m just one of those people that asks a million questions until it drives you crazy.” She adds in realization that she’s digging.

“I don’t mind at all, queen.” Kyle smiles at her. “Of course she did. I always told myself back then she didn’t have a clue, but I knew she did. She’s too intuitive.” He chuckles softly. “She would call me constantly and ask if I was okay and really press me on it. She’d tell me every time that she worried about me. I would just brush her off and try to act fine even though I was a wasted mess.”

“What changed?” Ashlyn inquires.

“She finally convinced me to let her visit. I was so sure I could host her for a weekend and hide everything from her. Wrong. Don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.” He shakes his head at himself. “She came alone…she knew exactly what she was doing. I really thought I did a good job hiding the drinking from her and we actually had a good time. Then the night before she left, she sat me down and told me in very few words that she knew what was going on. And I’ll never forget it. She looked me in the eye and said ‘Please don’t take away my brother too. I can’t lose any one else. Not my best friend. I really can’t’.” Kyle remembers it vividly. “It broke me. And what’s crazy is that had she done it any other way, I’d never have gotten help. But she didn’t force anything on me. She was honest about how she felt and she let me choose my reaction without her input or even her presence in my face. She left and trusted me to take care of myself and reach out if I needed her. The look of fear in her eyes was more than enough.”

“Wow.” Ashlyn whispers.

“Tell me about it. Two days later I was walking into a 12-step program. Haven’t had a drink since.” Kyle recounts. “I still spent that treatment time in L.A., but it was a complete re-do of figuring myself out as a person. I found a love for photography and film. I got into exercise and health as part of the total package. Only then did I come back to NYC.”

“That’s amazing, Kyle.” Ashlyn says genuinely.

“Thanks, queen.” He smiles at her. “Anyway, back to the original question. After all that, what keeps me moving forward is remembering that I have a purpose here. I’m lucky to be alive, lucky to have a sister that’s my best friend to go through life with, lucky to do things that I love. And none of that happens if my parents didn’t live their lives in a way that made it happen. Going to the 9/11 museum reminds me that everything they did in life and in death was so that Ali and I could be who we are. It motivates me to stay on the right track and to appreciate every little thing I have even if I’m not happy with it sometimes. It reminds me of what I still have, the most important of which is Ali. Am I still angry about losing my parents? Of course. But for me, it’s a motivation to honor what they built and keep building it myself.”

“I can relate that enough to know what you mean.” Ashlyn nods. “Thanks for telling me. I think it’s an incredible feat of strength to learn yourself, understand what makes you tick, and then commit yourself to a positive direction that draws from that. Like I said, you’re amazing.”

“You’re such an ego boost and I heart you.” He smiles at her. “As much as my way of breaking free was less than ideal, I don’t exactly regret it either. And I just want that for Ali too.”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn says quizzically.

“Well, I think you’re right that she’ll never leave NYC. There’s too much she feels tied to here and that’s mostly a positive thing for her. But there are still things she needs to let go of and make peace with. The closest I’ve seen her come is when she went on that mega trip this past year and spent 9/11 away from here. Like she really needed to see that not being here surrounded by everything didn’t take away from her being able to remember our Dad.” Kyle elaborates. “She’s actually come really far in the last couple years. I’m gonna bet it has a lot to do with you and her seeing the world a bit differently. I think you’re actually the exact reason she needs to get herself to do what she has been floundering on.”

“Me?” Ashlyn’s forehead wrinkles, not sure what he’s saying.

“Yeah you. Like I bet you probably think you’re gonna move in here eventually?” Kyle motions around the condo with his hand.

“Why wouldn’t I? This is your childhood home and there’s not enough money in the world to get a place that would ever have the same feel and connection.” Ashlyn reasons. He’s right that she’s assumed from the beginning that she and Ali would move into the condo when they were both ready for that.

“Mhmm. A connection that needs to be severed like a rotten limb.” Kyle makes a face. “Look at this place. She can’t even manage to make it completely her own even after so many years have passed. It’s one of those things that she knows she needs to free herself of. That she doesn’t need to physically be here to keep her memories alive, you know? She’s just always needed a good reason to get herself to walk away. And now she has one. Trust me, in her mind, she’s already decided to move in with you.”

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn shakes her head, not convinced. All she knows is that she’s beyond sure she doesn’t want to put any pressure on Ali about it either way.

“All I’m saying is let her make the decision and don’t fight her on it.” Kyle advises.

“I can do that.” Ashlyn nods in agreement.

“Oh sweet, looks like they’re gonna be ready for me in about 40 minutes and I’ll be out of your hair.” Kyle reads the text he just got. “In the meantime, entertain me with some dirtier deets! How badly did you take down that icky bitch ex of yours after that Times interview? Cause no way was that showdown as tame as the article implied!” He probes with a smirk.

“If by ‘take down’ you mean setup a trust fund for Sloane’s mother to raise her daughter with enough money for her to go to any college she wants, then sure.” Ashlyn chuckles as she clears their dishes. “Kill them with kindness and all that. Though I did make sure Sloane doesn’t see a penny unless she gets major help. It’s her call now, I’m done there either way.”

“Nooo, you’re too fucking nice! Give me some scandal to work with, geez.” Kyle teases.

“Cause me being a relationship with my former sex therapist isn’t scandalous enough?” Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“Eh, tiny baby scandal.” Kyle shrugs.

“Plenty for me, thank you very much. You can get your scandal fix somewhere else.” Ashlyn counters just as the doorbell rings. “Is someone picking you up?”

“I wasn’t even planning to be here originally. It’s definitely not someone for me.” Kyle replies.

“Probably just a package or something.” Ashlyn reasons, dropping the dishtowel on the counter and going to answer the door.

“Special delivery!” Ali beams with outstretched arms as soon as Ashlyn opens the door, immediately taken by the adorable look of surprise on her face along with that huge dimpled grin.

“Best surprise ever. What are you doing home?” Ashlyn gives her a hug and then steps back a bit so she can come in.

“I have two hours until I have to be back for my last client of the day and I’m hungry.” Ali closes the door and hangs up her coat before stepping back into the blonde’s space.

“Perfect, I just finished lunch and there’s plenty leftover. I can make you a sandwich.” Ashlyn leans in for a quick kiss, but gets pulled into a longer one.

“I’m not hungry for lunch.” Ali mumbles into the kiss, pressing Ashlyn into the wall behind them.

_God yes_. “Oh uh…” Ashlyn tries to focus with Ali’s lips ghosting her own, the brunette’s chest pressed against her tightly.

“You are so fucking hot.” Ali kisses her more deeply, letting her hands wander up the blonde’s torso before moving back just enough to pull her own blouse over her head.

“Jesus, Al.” Ashlyn doesn’t even have time to think before Ali is leaving sloppy kisses along her neck, the brunette’s hands under her shirt. “Wait, your bro…” She tries to warn but it fades into a soft moan as she’s met with Ali’s tongue in her mouth.

“Package delivery indeed! Now these are the kinds of deliveries I need to be asking of my UPS guy!” Kyle exclaims loudly from the living room with his arms crossed, making Ali jump back.

“Fuck!” Ali yells and puts a hand over her heart. “What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“Watching a racy Lifetime lesbian drama apparently. With just enough bare skin for a mature rating. Spicy!” Kyle sasses, pointing to his sister standing there in her bra. “Hello and nice to see you too by the way. Nice bra, is it new?”

“You know I’m ready to kill you, right?” Ali glares at him, her heart still beating fast from both the brief heated moment with Ashlyn as well as getting frightened by Kyle.

“Yep. Might wanna put a shirt on first though.” Kyle keeps up the teasing.

“Sorry sweetheart, I tried to warn you.” Ashlyn grimaces and tries to bring some calm by putting her hand on Ali’s lower back.

“It’s my fault for mauling you before you got the chance.” Ali leans into the blonde and smiles up at her before looking at Kyle more kindly. “Sorry, you just scared the crap out of me.”

“And you scarred me for life with that little tiger show, so we’re even.” Kyle retorts, pawing the air and letting out a roar.

“Oh please drama llama, you’ve seen and heard worse.” Ali scoffs and puts her shirt back on.

“Don’t remind me.” He cringes and pretends to gag.

“Anyway, what are you two up to?” Ali asks intrigued.

“He has a hair job scheduled nearby and it got delayed. So, he came here to kill time thinking no one was home and found me. I made some lunch for us and we’ve just been hanging out.” Ashlyn answers for them.

“Exactly that. Just don’t call it a hair job, sounds so wrong.” Kyle scrunches his nose. “On-location styling work.” He corrects.

“Yeah that.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Whatever embarrassing stories he told you about me are all lies.” Ali tells Ashlyn with a smile, feeling warm inside that the two of them are hanging out together even if it did thwart her plans.

“Pssh, self-important much. We were actually talking about me and my time in L.A. So there.” Kyle replies with a meaningful look. “And I need to get going because they’re gonna be ready for me in thirty minutes.” He looks at his watch. “Good timing too. I believe you two still have a special delivery to attend to.” He adds with a wink.

“Go before I really do harm you.” Ali goes over and gives him a hug. “Good to see your face even though you killed my vibe.”

“As if you can’t just take one look at your queen over there and fire up that bang-me-against-the-wall vibe all over again.” Kyle plays back and gets a dirty look from his sister.

“You both know that I can hear you, right?” Ashlyn pipes up before going to hug Kyle. “Thanks for hanging out, it was fun.”

“How are you thanking _me_ when you just made me an amazing lunch after I showed up unannounced?! Ugh, you’re such a queen and I love you.” He hugs Ashlyn tight as if to silently bring one final acknowledgment to their conversation, feeling her squeeze back. “Alright, really gotta go! Lock the door before you two get all wild like horny jungle animals in here. Muah!” He quickly blows them a kiss and heads out the door before Ali can throw something at him.

“So, wanna fill me in?” Ali plops onto the couch with Ashlyn following suit.

“Quick version is that he showed up looking for a place to hang and so I invited him to have some lunch with me. He eventually asked how my mom died and we talked about that. Then I asked him what you meant by him finding motivation at the 9/11 museum and he gave me the whole L.A. background story. We also talked a little about the condo and he was hoping to hear scandalous details about how I ripped Sloane a new asshole after the whole Times leak mess…but, I had to disappoint him with the truth that I took the high road. That was pretty much it. Nothing you don’t already know, but we can talk about it more later when you don’t have a client coming up that needs your invaluable brain power.” Ashlyn wraps her arm around Ali’s shoulders and kisses the top of her head.

“I’m happy you two got to spend some time together.” Ali replies contently.

“Me too.” Ashlyn nods. “And you coming home was a really nice surprise.”

“Until I got surprised myself.” Ali buries her head into Ashlyn’s shoulder with a soft groan.

“Yeah well, I’m the one that got two unexpected surprises today.” Ashlyn laughs. “Not that I’m complaining about either surprise. And that second one was extra fun for a minute there.” She smirks.

“Well I still need to eat lunch.” Ali looks up at the blonde with a smile.

“I can go make you that sandwich.” Ashlyn offers sweetly before seeing the familiar little gleam in those whiskeys eyes. “If we’re actually talking about a sandwich…which I’m pretty sure now that we’re not.”

“I am absolutely not talking about a sandwich.” Ali starts trailing hot kisses up Ashlyn’s neck, using her teeth to nibble softly when she hears the low purr in the blonde’s throat.

“Good, cause I could go for some more lunch myself.” Ashlyn puts her hand behind the brunette’s neck and tugs her up for a heated kiss that quickly gets sloppy as hands start wandering.

“Mmmm, upstairs.” Ali husks in the few seconds it takes for Ashlyn to work both their shirts off.

“Hmm?” Ashlyn hums distractedly, mouth already dragging along Ali’s collarbone as her fingers deftly unclasp the black bra she didn’t have time to fully appreciate earlier.

“Upstairs.” Ali repeats even as Ashlyn’s lips find hers again. _God, the way you kiss me._

“But I’m busy.” Ashlyn protests, her fingers working to unbutton the brunette’s pants even as she sucks a nipple into her mouth.

“Fuck, babe.” Ali breathes out, body already aching for more. “Do you really want to risk the off chance that my brother comes back?” She reluctantly pulls Ashlyn’s head up, hearing a soft pop as her nipple gets released.

“He wouldn’t.” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow, figuring there’s no way Kyle would dream of coming back when he knows what they’re likely up to.

“Trust me, he would.” Ali says frankly. “And I’m not interrupting my lunch.” Her face breaks out into a devilish grin as she gets up and pulls Ashlyn up with her.

“Tacos in the bedroom it is then.” Ashlyn says with a smirk as they head up the stairs.

“Well yours is getting soggier by the second, hurry up.” Ali plays back, tugging the blonde faster up the stairs.

“I do like it messy.” Ashlyn suddenly stops their progress, holding the brunette’s hips and turning her around. She tugs downward so Ali will sit on the top step and kneels between her legs.

“What are you…ah fuck…yes.” Ali’s inquiry gets lost as Ashlyn’s tongue snakes along her inner thigh. Her hand immediately going to tangle in blonde hair.

“You said upstairs. This is upstairs.” Ashlyn takes one broad lick through wet folds and breathes in the brunette’s scent with a content moan.

“Please…” Ali whispers breathily as the tip of Ashlyn’s tongue traces light patterns on her clit, unconsciously scooting her butt down a step and lifting her hips as her head tilts back.

“Did you still want lunch in the bedroom or…” Ashlyn stops to tease.

“I swear to god, Ashlyn.” Ali whimpers desperately, picking her head up to find hazel twinkling with both mirth and fire.

Ashlyn’s breath catches at the way the brunette looks at her, those whiskey eyes so darkened with desire that they send a jolt right through her core. “Kidding, beautiful.” She finds Ali’s hand and entwines their fingers, their gaze still locked onto each other. “I really love you, Al.” Her voice is soft and warm, a playful smirk slowly growing on her face. “Bon appetit!” She winks before diving right into the wet and wanting center that awaits her, hearing the first of many loud moans echo off the stairway walls.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 21, 2021**

“In this folder, I have provided the history of client referral as well as account billing statements which show the clear delineation of exclusively surrogate therapy. Seeing as how the client has been publicly identified and has agreed to such, I have also provided client contact information should you choose to pursue a more extensive…” Ali gets cut off before she can finish.

“I have no doubt your paperwork is in order, Ms. Krieger.” Jonah Davis says gruffly. “The board has not had any complaints regarding your practice and you have an impeccable record thus far.”

_Asshole._ “But…” Ali says it for him because she knows it’s coming, working hard not to roll her eyes. The guy’s bowtie is so tight that his neck skin bulges over the collar of his shirt, his white eyebrows unruly and growing into the upper bridge of his nose. While he’s clearly trying to appear professional, he’s also obviously on the warpath to make an example out of her just like Mark warned her about.

“But…” He smiles haughtily. “Given the high profile nature of your client and that you are now engaged in a romantic relationship with her, it does give one serious pause that you reported termination of your surrogacy practice right around the time you reported ending surrogate therapy with this client.”

“Mr. Davis, are you implying that I ended my surrogate practice in order to have a relationship with my client?” Ali clarifies without mincing words.

“If you were in my position, would you not find that a bit too coincidental?” He challenges her.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t...but maybe that’s just me.” Ali gives him a fake smile. “If you look into the surrogate licensure records held by ethics board, you’ll see that I did not apply for the annual license renewal that was due on June 30th of that year and so my license to practice as a surrogate expired six months later. The client in question was not referred to me until September that same year and I didn’t know of her prior to that. Which means I had elected not to renew my surrogate licensure almost three months prior to taking on my client.”

“Ok.” He sits back in the chair a bit and thinks for a moment before questioning her again. “However, you of course knew that not applying for license renewal by the deadline only meant having to pay a late fee and waiting 30 days without practicing as a surrogate for processing time. That would hardly deter a person from applying late.” He tries to shoot a hole in her argument.

_Keep it up, dick head. _“Yes, the penalty for late renewal is minimal, but you’ll find in my ‘impeccable record’ that I have not once been late for license renewal in my time as a surrogate.” Ali makes air quotes with her fingers, throwing his own words back in his face as politely as she can. “I believe that is plenty of non-coincidental corroboration that I had chosen to end my surrogacy practice well before first contact with my client.”

“Look Ms. Krieger, the board recognizes that you technically followed the procedural guidelines with your client. We understand that she was under your surrogacy practice and not under the care of your regular therapy practice. As such, there can be no official reprimand from the board. However, there is still warranted concern that you’re in a romantic relationship with a former client of your surrogacy practice. As you know, relationships with former clients are not explicitly forbidden if there has been proper termination of the treatment relationship and time given for appropriate distancing.” He says gruffly.

Ali just bites her tongue and nods, willing herself to stay collected and let him finish.

“However, outside of your word and that of your client, both of which clearly serve your own interests, we cannot ascertain whether you took proper measures of termination and distancing from the therapy relationship. Again, the board holds no position to take formal action on it regardless because this concerns your surrogacy practice which is not ethically governed by the board. Still, the board may decide to undertake an informal bi-annual review of your regular practice until such time that we deem that your ethical obligations as a therapist are being consistently and satisfactorily met. I want to reiterate that the board is not questioning that you followed the proper written protocol.” He informs her arrogantly.

_Oh no you don’t. _“No, but you’re questioning my integrity and character, which I personally find worse. In this case, my prior record is plenty of evidence that my ethical obligations are being consistently and satisfactorily met to the board standards. Informal action taken on the basis of my former surrogacy practice is still deemed an action by a board that has no ethical oversight of said practice.” Ali fires back at him, making it clear that he has no grounds to pursue what he threatened.

“You are correct that it would fall under special circumstance and require the pursuance of a unanimous board agreement.” Mr. Davis responds curtly, his face reddened in frustration.

“Right, for which you would need a compelling reason to undertake that vote. And had you not interrupted me earlier and actually let me finish, you would see that you have no such reason.” Ali smiles politely just to piss him off as she puts a very thick stack of paperwork in front of him.

“What is this?” He asks almost flippantly.

“Records that support proper termination and distancing. Those are an original copy of official phone records for my office and personal cell phone from the month prior to the date of termination with my client up until the beginning of this current month. Also my business and personal email records for that same time period which show just the recipients of all incoming and outgoing messages. Spend all the time you want, I assure you that you will not find any contact with Ashlyn Harris after the termination of therapy in those records until late this past December. While there are of course ways to get around these modes of communication, you could easily collect information that shows I have no other phone or email accounts. Even without that, these records are more than enough to disallow any further board consideration on the matter.” Ali says with satisfaction.

“I see.” Mr. Davis grabs the stack of paperwork with an air of self-importance, flipping through it as if he has more to consider.

_Could you be any more of a conceited fuckwad? _“Well just in case you don’t see clearly enough, there’s also this.” Ali hands him one more sheet of paper and watches him look it over.

“And who are these people?” He asks in with a look of confusion after seeing nothing but four names with contact information.

“That’s everyone I dated, for lack of a better word, in the time period between terminating therapy with my client and our recent reconnection. The first two women I just had a couple coffee dates with. That second one was a one-night stand that I highly regret. Be careful with that one or she’ll talk your ear off about cartoon pornography, trust me. And the last woman was someone I was in a serious relationship with for the better part of a year.” Ali puts it bluntly. “I’m sure none of them will give you glowing reviews about me given the circumstances, but I’m sure all of them can tell you I was single and ready to mingle when I was with them and certainly not caught up with anyone else. And I’m sure if you contact Ashlyn Harris, you can also get information that she was in a very public and serious relationship with congresswoman Luz Rainha during that same time…assuming you didn’t already know. But I’ll let you put in the work to contact her about that directly.” She tries hard not to smile smugly, but knows she’s failing.

“Uh, I…this really isn’t necessary, Ms. Krieger.” Mr. Davis looks bashful and taken aback.

_Yeah, thought so. Forgot you were dealing with a sex surrogate huh? _“Well neither was questioning my integrity, but you did. So apparently, it is necessary.” Ali doesn’t let up. “You go ahead and take that information with you back to board. And I assume I’ll only be seeing you or another board member in my office again if a formal complaint is launched against me for another reason, as would be the standard protocol now that I no longer have a surrogacy practice.” She all but dismisses him, watching with satisfaction as he scrambles to gather the stack of paperwork.

“Well it appears everything is in order. It’s likely the case that this inquiry is closed and everything proceeds within normal routine from here on, but I’ll be in touch with the board’s final decision.” He tries to maintain his confidence.

_Whatever you say, you blubbering ass_. “You do that.” Ali nods with a shit eating grin on her face. “Have a good day, Mr. Davis.” She gives him a little wave just to rub it in further.

“You as well, Ms. Krieger.” He nods back and quickly makes his way out of her office.

\----

“Hey baby, how did it go?” Ashlyn answers the phone anxiously, not even bothering to finish the line of programming code she was working on like she would usually do before letting herself get interrupted.

“The guy could not have been more of egotistical ass, but it went fine. I don’t think anything else will come of it and I highly doubt he’ll be in touch with you.” Ali replies matter-of-factly.

“That’s good.” Ashlyn says in relief. “You totally handed his ass to him, didn’t you?” She asks amused.

“Pretty much.” Ali replies. “How’d you know that?”

“It’s in your voice. You sound extra bad ass and also delighted.” Ashlyn chuckles softly.

“Yeah he wasn’t ready.” Ali giggles.

“See, I figured you were gonna pummel the guy based on everything you put together to give him, but then you seemed a little nervous this morning and it threw me off. Guess I got a little nervous too.” Ashlyn admits.

“I wasn’t nervous. Just kept going over how it might go in my head, but I definitely wasn’t nervous at all. And you shouldn’t have been nervous either.” Ali says adamantly.

“And why is that?” Ashlyn questions.

“Ash, you know that I would give up my therapy practice in a hot second if it came down to either keeping my license or being with you, right?” Ali says seriously.

“I do now.” Ashlyn smiles. “I would never want you to do that, but I get it. Same goes for you…being without you isn’t an option. Period.”

“Good, maybe you can convince your employees to move your office closer to mine then.” Ali teasingly suggests. The two of them figured out really quick that their offices are far enough apart that it would take at least an hour just to get across the city and back without doing anything else. With their busy schedules and each of them rarely having more than an hour for lunch, midday meetups even for a quick coffee will be far and few in between.

“Don’t even play. You know I’ll make Pinoe relocate us if you so much as smile at me when you ask.” Ashlyn warns .

“As much as I want one of those perfect hugs of yours right now, I would never ask you to do that. Besides, I have yet to see this amazing office of yours.” Ali replies.

“Can’t believe I haven’t seen your office yet either. We need to fix that.” Ashlyn muses. “So, you just want a hug then, Harvard?” She asks flirtatiously.

“Don’t tease, Stanford. You know I want a kiss too…the kind that turns into a very handsy makeout and leaves my lips all tingly, among other things.” Ali smiles to herself at the thought.

“Now who’s teasing?!” Ashlyn counters.

“My bad.” Ali feigns innocence.

“Al…” Ashlyn says softly.

“What’s up, babe?” Ali asks at the sweet tone of voice she hears.

“I just love you crazily.” Ashlyn tells her contently.

“You melt me, angel.” Ali sighs happily. “I love you too, all kinds of crazy.”

“And Al...” Ashlyn pauses again.

“Mhmm?” Ali hums in reply.

“T-minus 5 hours. Arms wide open, Carmex at the ready, and fully prepared to get very, very handsy.” Ashlyn promises.

“Oh god. Get back to work before you kill me with anticipation.” Ali unconsciously bites her lip.

“Have a great rest of the day, sweetheart.” Ashlyn says with a hint of mischief.

“You too, troublemaker.” Ali laughs softly.

“But it’s good trouble.” Ashlyn plays back.

“Very good trouble. So good. And you’re gonna be in a whole lot of it, just you wait.” Ali’s voice drops low with insinuation.

“Holy fuck.” Ashlyn whispers.

“Enjoy the rest of your day!” Ali says cheerily.

“Pssh, I’ll be there in 30 minutes to finally see that office!” Ashlyn chuckles.

“You wish! Well, more like I wish. But I have a client in like 15 minutes.” Ali informs her to a loud joking groan. “Easy babe, it’ll be worth the wait.”

“You’ve always been worth the wait, beautiful.” Ashlyn tells her sweetly.

“Stop being cute, I have to get going.” Ali says regretfully, her cheeks blushing from the romantic sentiment. “Love you.”

“Love you too, Al.” Ashlyn hangs up and lets out a pleased sigh, loving how coming home every day actually feels like home now.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 29, 2021**

“Ali-gator!” Sydney bounds out of her house before Ali is even out of the Uber, pulling her into a bone crushing hug the second the brunette has two feet on the ground.

“Missed you too, babes.” Ali giggles, squeezing her back. “Where’s my baby?” She immediately looks around for Cassius.

“I amazingly got him down for a morning nap. He’ll be all ready for you and raring to go pretty soon I’m sure.” Sydney informs her, getting a pout from her best friend. “Oh stop it, you’ll have the whole weekend. Plus, I need my bestie time.” She peeks around Ali to see Ashlyn smiling at them as she helps the Uber driver get their bags out of the trunk.

“Hi Sydney, nice to see you again.” Ashlyn politely extends her hand, only for Sydney to take it and pull her into a hug.

“It’s Syd and we’re fam now. So none of this formal business meeting shit, m’kay?” Sydney lays down the law. “You give a really fucking good hug, Harris.” She holds it for a second before pulling back.

“It’s Ashlyn or Ash, and thank you.” Ashlyn smiles at her.

“Where’s Dom?” Ali asks.

“Getting the bro dudes all swoll at the gym, working on their gains and all that.” Sydney rolls her eyes. “He’s a personal trainer with some crazy demanding clients. At least they pay well.” She explains for Ashlyn’s benefit. “The only reason I didn’t insist that he pick you two up at the airport instead of you taking the Uber was because he had to work this morning. He’ll be home around lunchtime.”

“This house is gorgeous.” Ashlyn takes off her sunglasses, taking in the white stone European-style home that looks like a small mansion. “I guess I was picturing the whole downtown Chicago vibe. More like our places in NYC.” She motions between her and Ali.

Sydney can’t help but shoot Ali a discrete smile at the way Ashlyn so easily says ‘our places’. “Well we used to live in a high-rise in the heart of everything, but neither of us wanted to raise a kid right in the city like that. So, suburban mama it is. We’ve had this place for almost two years now. It’s actually Elmhurst, so just outside Chicago technically.”

“It’s absolutely gorgeous. Truly.” Ashlyn repeats again, still looking it over.

“I promise the inside is ever better. Come on, it’s cold out here.” Sydney throws a duffle bag over her shoulder as Ashlyn grabs the other two rolling carry-ons. “Oh look, the princess just has to carry her purse as usual.” She teases Ali.

“I drag your huge ass luggage up the condo stairs every time you visit, so fuck off!” Ali bites back playfully.

“Whatever.” Sydney rolls her eyes again. “Right on inside that big ol’ wide open door that’s letting out all the heat.” She directs Ashlyn before hanging back a bit with Ali. “I will never get over how hot she is in person. Like really hot.” She whispers in Ali’s ear.

“So hot.” Ali agrees with a beaming smile.

“But like cute too. Rare combo.” Sydney adds thoughtfully.

“Preaching to the choir. You should see what’s under that clothes. It falls more under scorching hot than cute, let me tell you.” Ali smirks.

“Love-struck and sex-crazed with zero chill, this is quite a look on you.” Sydney nudges her with a laugh.

“Well it’s the new me, so deal with it.” Ali nudges her back.

“You look fucking ridiculous and I love it. Just don’t burn my house down with that crazy ass smolder going on between you two, k? K, thanks.” Sydney pulls the door closed behind her. “Just leave your bags at the bottom of the stairs here and Dom can bring them up later as part of his post-workout recovery.” She tells Ashlyn with a cackle and drops the bag she was carrying.

“Wow, you have an insanely beautiful family. No wonder you have the most adorable kid I’ve ever seen. Talk about a genetic lottery winner.” Ashlyn comments as she looks at a family portrait hanging in the main hallway along with lots of pictures of Cassius.

“Dom is very easy on the eyes.” Ali agrees, wrapping her arm around Ashlyn’s waist.

“Hey now, what about me?” Sydney puts her hand on her hip.

“My statement stands for itself. You’re all insanely attractive.” Ashlyn puts her hands up in playful defense.

“Eh, you’re ok.” Ali teases and finds herself off balance when Sydney side checks her with her hip.

“Well then, Ashlyn gets morning breakfast service from Dom and you get nothing.” Sydney challenges.

“Stop pimping out your poor husband as a butler.” Ali lightly swats her.

“Now that you say that, I should get him a little bow tie and make it a whole thing.” Sydney pretends to consider it.

“Nobody wants to picture that.” Ali cringes.

“Speak for yourself.” Sydney sticks her tongue out before turning to Ashlyn. “And thank you Ashlyn for having better manners than your girlfriend and saying sweet things about my family.”

“As if I don’t tell you all the time that you created the most perfect kid ever.” Ali sasses back.

“Between the two of you, I have a bad feeling I’m gonna find myself in trouble this weekend.” Ashlyn can only imagine what she’s in for.

“I’m sure Dom can save you.” Sydney shrugs. “Are you two hungry? Maybe some coffee?” She offers.

“We had breakfast at the airport before we left. I would love some coffee though, but I can make it myself.” Ali heads right into the kitchen, already well acquainted with Sydney’s house. “You want some, babe?” She asks Ashlyn.

“Sure, thank you.” Ashlyn smiles at her.

“Syd?” Ali checks as she starts grabbing mugs.

“Yeah, why not. Thanks, doll face. I love when you’re here and serve me.” Sydney plops herself down on the living room couch. “Make yourself comfy.” She tells Ashlyn.

“Actually, do you mind if I use the bathroom? I’ve pretty much had to go since we hit cruising altitude.” Ashlyn grimaces.

“Nope sorry, you have to sit there and suffer or walk down to the gas station on the corner. Of course you can use the bathroom!” Sydney replies sarcastically. “Seriously, make yourself at home. Third door down on the left.” She points towards the hallway. “Or if you go upstairs, guest bathroom is the second door on the right.”

“Thanks.” Ashlyn nods appreciatively and quickly scurries off down the hallway.

“Als, why didn’t your girl pee on the plane?” Sydney yells towards the kitchen.

“She said that if she peed her pants it would be more sanitary than using the bathroom on the plane.” Ali pokes her head out from the kitchen to reply.

“She’s kinda right, but who knew Harris was a such a germophobe.” Sydney remarks.

“I wouldn’t go that far. I’d say she’s more particular than anything else. Like she’s really neat and orderly about everything, but I haven’t seen her go all anti-germ before the plane today.” Ali explains with a giggle.

“So, why not take a private flight? I’m nowhere near as big time as she is and even I book a private flight sometimes.” Sydney wonders out loud.

“She might for longer flights maybe, not sure. But if it’s one thing I’ve learned, she’s really not flashy at all. Unlike you, Queen Leroux-Dwyer!” Ali comes out of the kitchen again just to bow dramatically.

“And proud of it! I work hard to get to be flashy!” Sydney quips back. “But yeah, I could’ve guessed that about her. She’s always seemed very down-to-earth.” She adds thoughtfully.

“More than anyone I’ve ever met. Her heart is just…” Ali trails off with a happy little sigh, handing Sydney her coffee and putting Ashlyn’s on the coffee table before going back to the kitchen to grab her own.

“Girl, you are like watching one of those cartoons where the heart is like literally beating out of the character’s chest. When’s the wedding?” Sydney teases.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? You and Dom are gonna be our witnesses this weekend. Cashie is the ring bearer.” Ali deadpans.

“Pleeeease, don’t even joke! Cause you have no idea how close you sound to actually being serious.” Sydney tells her candidly.

“Really?” Ali cocks her head to the side.

“Really.” Sydney nods. “You are a woman transformed, honey. Like I can’t believe I’ve never seen you happy like this…but then again I can…but also I can’t, you know?”

“Jesus Christ, no more coffee for you!” Ali jokingly reaches for Sydney’s mug.

“Touch my caffeine and die.” Sydney warns, adding a growl for effect.

“Uh oh, still Team No-Sleep around here? I thought Cassius was sleeping better?” Ali questions.

“Yeah when we can get him down to sleep, he sleeps fine. He’s on this new kick where he has a damn meltdown every time he realizes you’re about to put him to bed. Takes for fucking ever to get the kid to stop crying and go to sleep.” Sydney throws her head back against the couch in defeat.

“Awww, well maybe I can give a go while I’m here. Maybe a new face will distract him.” Ali suggests.

“Be my guest, Godmama! You’re officially on afternoon nap duty.” Sydney gladly agrees. “Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Time to dish! I know it was crazy good before, but like now that it’s for real, for real…how’s the sex?” She leans forward eagerly.

“Oh my god, completely mind blowing. I don’t even have words, Syd. Like nothing even comes close…yeah, just absolutely wow in every way.” Ali replies easily, the massive smile on her face probably enough to answer the question all on its own.

“Yeah, I’d say mind blowing and absolutely wow cover it nicely.” Ashlyn interrupts as she enters the room. “I leave you two alone for like two minutes and you’re already talking sex.” She shakes her head at them, admittedly still trying to get herself on Ali’s level of openness when it comes to all things sex.

“Look at you, Stanford. Joining in without even a hint of blushing this time.” Ali lightly strokes Ashlyn’s cheek as the blonde settles in next to her.

“I’m learning.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“You should be thrilled that you walked in on us praising your prowess. Poor Dom only figured out what to do with a clit like three years ago.” Sydney says frankly.

“True story.” Ali adds with a giggle.

“Jesus Christ you two. Might be nice to properly meet the guy first before knowing his bedroom skillset.” Ashlyn throws her hands up.

“Don’t you worry about Dom. He rallied like a champ and his skillset is top notch these days.” Sydney smirks. “Mostly cause Ali all but told me to hold his head there and lay down the clit law. Worked like a charm though.”

“Or by all means, keep going.” Ashlyn can only laugh as Ali nods vigorously at Sydney’s recounting.

“We’ll stop torturing you…for now.” Ali rubs Ashlyn’s leg. “That’s your coffee, babe.” She motions to the mug on the coffee table.

“You’re the beeeest.” Ashlyn reaches for it and takes a long sip. “That’s really good, thank you.” She adds sweetly, smiling when the brunette reaches for her hand and entwines their fingers.

“Y’all about done with this disgustingly domestic display of coupleyness?” Sydney sasses them. “Cause it’s actually cute and nobody wants to hear me squeal.”

“That’s a definite no on the squealing.” Ali crinkles her nose.

“Then let’s move on to how Hargen, Inc. is going to be my new marketing account. Right Ash?” Sydney bats her eyelashes.

“Oh boy, that was fast. Here we go.” Ali just tucks herself into Ashlyn’s side, getting comfortable for what is sure to be some interesting back and forth.

“Sure, if you want to get into tech marketing. Which I’m going to save you the biggest headache ever by telling you that you don’t want to get into tech marketing.” Ashlyn says pointedly.

“Really? Why not? It’s a goldmine.” Sydney asks.

“Yeah, a goldmine that’ll make you hate your job and want to quit marketing altogether.” Ashlyn doesn’t hold back. “Real talk, are you comfortable with your outlook and the clients you have? Or are you thinking about delving into tech because you need to expand to survive?”

“I’m plenty comfortable. Just being greedy and considering other markets. Also keeping myself on my toes.” Sydney tells her honestly.

“Unless you really need the money, tech isn’t it. You’ll end up driving yourself crazy with the time you spend on tech clients anyway.” Ashlyn elaborates. “There’s just a huge disconnect between tech vision and marketing vision. Programmers are only interested in advertising and promotion to the extent that they need it to make enough of a profit to operate. They want the simplest platform possible, and certainly nothing flashy. The only thing they care about is that nothing fucks up or gets in the way of the programming they’ve carefully constructed. And let’s face it, most advertising platforms definitely require adjustments by their very nature of being excessive and flashy. Marketing companies are all about eye-catching and attention-grabbing means of promotion. So, tech and marketing is always a toxic relationship…they need each other’s business, but they butt heads the whole way.”

“Ok, that is a hot mess.” Sydney takes it all in. “I knew it wasn’t easy to get into tech marketing, but I assumed it was because getting tech companies to contract with you is hard if you don’t have much experience in tech.”

“That too. A lot of tech companies wind up going back to the same marketing firms just because they’ve already battled with them before and know what they’re getting into.” Ashlyn affirms.

“That couldn’t sound more unappealing. So much for that plan.” Sydney frowns.

“If you’re serious about expanding your horizons and would consider partnering with some geeky programmers, I have something else in my back pocket that might interest you.” Ashlyn offers.

“Partnering as in…” Sydney looks at Ashlyn with intrigue.

“On an app.” Ashlyn fills in.

“Wait, really? Keep talking.” Sydney sits forward, practically on the edge of the couch.

“Yeah, keep talking. Cause I haven’t heard anything about this either.” Ali sits up more too, her interest suddenly as piqued as Sydney’s.

“Well before you get too excited, it’s not a mainstream use app like this last one we launched. And it would be a slower development timeline because it would be more of a side project than a main focus.” Ashlyn prefaces.

“Still interested.” Sydney doesn’t waver.

“Okay, so it’s an app that tries to solve some of the head-butting problems I was just talking about. Part of what makes it so hard for tech companies and marketing companies to link up easily is the shopping-around aspect.” Ashlyn explains. “Tech companies hate to spend time finding a proper marketing company, so they do it half-assed and give little detail about their project. Marketing companies come to the table unsure of exactly what the tech company needs and end up presenting every elaborate tool they have…which is an instant turn off to a tech company that is looking for simple. So, the goal of this app is to cut down that initial miscommunication.”

“I get the problem. I just don’t get how an app solves it.” Sydney works to understand where this is going.

“Well, it would be app online marketplace. Registered users would agree to a basic confidentiality protocol and pay a fee to use the app. Tech companies would post their specific project needs and marketing companies could bid on the projects with a customized plan.” Ashlyn gives her more information. “Essentially, you cut down most of that early negotiation that drives both sides crazy and streamline the process.”

“So you’re telling me this is kinda like online dating, only for marketers and their potential clients. Tinder for business.” Sydney tries to make sense of it.

“Now that you say that, yeah pretty much.” Ashlyn chuckles at the thought.

Ali’s eyes dart between both women, completely entertained by the way she can almost see the gears turning in Sydney’s head and the way Ashlyn is just sitting there relaxed but also clearly eager for Sydney’s input.

“Exactly, how long has this been in your back pocket?” Sydney pipes up after a quiet minute.

“I dunno. Probably like four years at least.” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Four years?!” Sydney practically lurches forward.

“Uh, yeah. Why?” Ashlyn questions in confusion.

“Cause it’s a fucking great idea! How the fuck has that just been sitting around on the backburner?!” Sydney exclaims incredulously.

“Well it’s a pretty focused app for a specific user base. We have a lot of ideas like this sitting around, but Instagram kept us too busy to develop anything else for a long time. And we’ve focused on more mainstream stuff to stay steady. Only now do we really have time for some of these side projects.” Ashlyn answers.

“Side project? For fuck. I get what you’re saying, but that’s a pretty damn golden side project.” Sydney shakes her head. “So, why just tech companies as the target? Why not any user that has marketing needs?”

“Excellent question.” Ali chimes in, admittedly wondering the same thing.

“We could, but it’s always best to start more focused and then expand. Better to build a solid user base that you can tailor to and then add to it and pull more users in.” Ashlyn replies. “In this case, tech companies are going to be the consumers that are most readily attracted to the use of a simple app that offers marketing solutions. Especially if another big tech company is behind it.”

“You’re right, that genius.” Sydney agrees.

“Not bad for a Stanford girl, huh?” Ali looks at Sydney, smiling mischievously while tilting her head towards Ashlyn.

“Imagine if she had gone to Harvard.” Sydney joins in.

“Settle down there, Stanford of the East girls.” Ashlyn jibes right back with a grin.

“Get out of my house, Harris!” Sydney puts on her best stern face, but only manages to hold it for a few seconds before they all start laughing.

“Anyway, we would have plenty of input from the tech side obviously. We could use a marketing partner so we get the full perspective.” Ashlyn puts it out there.

“I’m so fucking in. Screw the tech marketing gig, I wanna play app maker!” Sydney bounces up and down.

“Alright, settled then. Give me some time to work out some logistics on my end with my team and let us wrap our heads around a work plan and a start-up timeline. Like I said, this won’t move crazy fast because we’re still busy with our latest app, but we’ll keep it moving forward.” Ashlyn reminds her. “I’ll come back to you as soon as we have a better sense of it all.”

“Done. Take your time, I’ll have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime.” Sydney could care less about the timeline, her excitement to get involved in something innovative and out of her normal purview overshadowing everything else.

“And you were over here making fun of me for talking sex life?” Ali playfully pinches Ashlyn’s side. “I let you two talk for ten minutes and you’ve all but closed a business deal!” She motions between her girlfriend and her best friend.

“Please, you should’ve seen that coming a mile away.” Sydney challenges.

“She has a point.” Ashlyn agrees.

“Oh I did. I just thought I had until at least tomorrow before you two got around to it. Nope, less than an hour. Must be a new record. Cheers to the happy new working couple!” Ali sassily pretends to toast them with her coffee. “It’s a really brilliant idea, babe.” She pecks the blonde’s lips just as a loud squeal sounds through the room.

“That so wasn’t me!” Sydney says when Ali looks at her a raised eyebrow. “Cassius just woke up.” She holds up the baby monitor that was sitting on the side table next to her.

“Yeesss! I got him!” Ali jumps up before Sydney can move a muscle.

“Like I would’ve stopped her from giving me a break from mom duty.” Sydney laughs. “She’ll be up there at least twenty minutes cuddling him.” She informs Ashlyn.

Ashlyn just nods, a smile growing on her face when she hears Ali’s voice cooing over the baby monitor along with several happy sounding shrieks from Cassius. “Does he say any words yet?” She asks curiously.

“A few. The standard ones like Mama and Dada. He says ‘more’ at least a hundred times a day. And the cutest is ‘ta-da’ when he does something he’s proud of.” Sydney replies. “Ali is gonna lose her mind when she sees how fast he is now. He was barely starting to crawl last time she saw him. It was more of a body drag. Now he’s like a rug rat.”

“You have like what, a few months before he’s walking?” Ashlyn asks.

“Maybe less. Dom’s mother said he was walking by the time he turned one. That’s like two months away and it’s terrifying.” Sydney says with wide eyes.

“I have no doubt.” Ashlyn replies as a loud thud comes from baby monitor. Ali’s voice says ‘whoopsie, you dropped it’ before another thud is heard.

“I probably should’ve warned her that he’s in an asshole stage where he drops things over and over again just to watch you pick them up.” Sydney shrugs.

“At least they’ll both be ready for nap after lunch.” Ashlyn laughs.

“Let’s hope he naps again or tonight’s bedtime routine will be extra miserable.” Sydney crosses her fingers. “So, Ashlyn…” She sits forward on the couch.

“Oh god, why do I feel like you’re about to interview me for a job?” Ashlyn takes a sip of her coffee, trying to read the suddenly more serious look on Sydney’s face.

“Oh, I like that idea!” Sydney perks up even more. “My bestie’s love of her life…pretty important title, don’t cha think? And those are her words, not mine.”

“Most important title I’ll ever have.” Ashlyn agrees wholeheartedly. “Except for maybe wife, someday.” She adds openly.

“Well fuck. Ok then.” Sydney smiles widely. “But don’t you dare throw me off my game here, Harris. You still need a proper interview if I’m gonna let you have the job.”

“Pretty sure we’re already in business together, Syd.” Ashlyn reminds her.

“Yeah, I’m doing shit all kinds of backwards today.” Sydney shrugs. “Alright, how about the hardest job interview question I have in my arsenal and my own personal question for you, and then I’ll leave you be.”

“Only if you’ll answer that same interview question of yours for me.” Ashlyn bargains. “Gotta get to know my new business partner.”

“Deal.” Sydney agrees.

“Alright, do your worst then.” Ashlyn sits back and waits.

“Simple question. What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” Sydney asks with a casual tone.

“Whew, that’s weighty. Kinda like the ‘what’s your greatest weakness’ question with a power twist.” Ashlyn remarks, not having to think all that much to answer. “Help. That’s definitely the bravest thing I’ve said.”

“Fascinating.” Sydney makes it clear she’s waiting for more.

“I’ve just always been kind of a loner and I’ve spent most of my life refusing to ask for help. I didn’t ask for help when things got bad with my Dad. Might’ve gone differently if I had, but no sense dwelling on it. I didn’t ask for help after almost getting beaten to death…just went through whatever therapy I absolutely had to go through so I could get out of state custody and go live with my Grandma. Refused to ever ask for any help with school or even applying to college, or moving across the country to go to college for that matter. Never asked for help when my brother went to prison, or when my Grandma died, or when I proposed to my ex-girlfriend and she told me she was pregnant with her husband’s kid. Like I would go to my best friends for everything, but never for real help.” Ashlyn doesn’t hold back. “Closest I ever came was collaborating with people on work or getting life advice sometimes from my friends. And then I guess I just finally broke one day. Go figure that the one thing that probably should’ve been the most embarrassing and least likely for me to ever ask for help with…that’s the time I asked for help.”

“Wait, help from Ali?” Sydney asks, a bit surprised where this went.

“From Nancy, which then led to Ali…but yes, same path for all intents and purposes.” Ashlyn smiles.

“Hmph, no shit.” Sydney takes it all in.

“No shit.” Ashlyn nods. “It was really hard for me to ask for help, but I did and I do it a lot more now. I don’t know if that’s brave exactly, but it feels brave.”

“Definitely brave.” Sydney says with resolve.

“You’re up. Same question.” Ashlyn tosses it back to her.

“I do.” Sydney says with no hesitation.

“I do?” Ashlyn replies a bit befuddled. “Like as in wedding vows?”

“Wedding vows.” Sydney confirms. “I’m fiercely independent and also fiercely loyal. I knew that for me marriage would blend those two things together in a very difficult way. Marrying someone meant committing forever, which put my fiercely loyal at all-time high in an almost blinding way. But it also meant committing to going through life together with that person and not on my own as some separate entity. It was scary for me to let go of being so insanely independent about everything so I could properly commit to Dom and be a good partner. And also not to be so fiercely loyal to him that I lost myself completely or got to the point where I might not recognize if my relationship needed work. Finding that balance and having faith that he was the right one for me to find it with was pretty terrifying. That ‘I do’ was a big leap for me.”

“Have you had even a tiny moment where you’ve ever regretted saying it?” Ashlyn naturally digs deeper.

“Despite having plenty of ups and downs over the years…surprisingly, no.” Sydney says truthfully. “Ever regret asking for help?” She poses back.

“Not even for a fraction of a second, and I never will. How could I?” Ashlyn’s eyes drift over to the baby monitor where Ali’s voice is still in high octave as she babbles along with Cassius.

“Which brings me to my second question.” Sydney smiles. “What do you feel for her?” She motions her head towards the baby monitor just to make it clear that she’s referring to Ali.

“Certainly nothing I’ve ever felt before her.” Ashlyn blurts out before trying to wrap her head around the magnitude of the question. “Christ, Syd. You’re better off asking me what I don’t feel for her.”

“Right, but I didn’t ask you that.” Sydney holds her ground.

Ashlyn rests her head back against the couch, desperately trying to find words she’s never been able to find when it comes to Ali and knowing adequate words just flat out don’t exist. She lets out a soft sigh and goes with the best she can to express it. “I feel like if I don’t spend the time I have left on this earth making her happy, making her smile and laugh, making sure she knows how beautiful, and loved, and amazing she is…then my life will have been a complete waste.” She says sincerely. “Maybe crazier is that I’ve felt that way right from the start. And even when it looked like I might never get the chance, I still couldn’t let it go because deep inside it feels like I was put here just to love her and be loved by her. Imagine how I feel now that I’ve been given the chance.”

“That’s pretty fucking major coming from the woman who brought the world Instagram.” Sydney keeps a straight face, trying hard not swoon on Ali’s behalf at what she just heard.

“None of that stuff will ever matter in my life more than she does.” Ashlyn says with finality.

Ok.” Sydney just nods.

“Ok?” Ashlyn asks quizzically at the simple response after she pretty much poured her heart out.

“Ok, you’ve got the job.” Sydney smiles before quickly narrowing her eyes and pointing her finger in warning. “But I swear to god if you ever break her heart, I will learn to use a weapon just so I can harm you with it.”

“I actually believe that.” Ashlyn cracks a smile. “Promise you won’t ever have to fire me though. Or fire at me for that matter.”

“Good. Now give your fam and new business partner another one of those crazy good hugs and let’s go get your girl before my son gets all hangry and loses his shit on her.” Sydney stands up and opens her arms, giving Ashlyn a hug just as Ali walks into the living room with Cassius on her hip.

“Uh oh Cashie, I think we might have intruded on a moment.” Ali looks at the two women curiously.

“Just putting some finishing touches on our business deal, right Ash?” Sydney smiles at the blonde knowingly.

“Yep, sealed with a hug. Done deal.” Ashlyn confirms and sits back down as Ali comes over.

“This is your Auntie Ash and she’s super excited to play with you and love on you.” Ali hands the baby to Ashlyn, trying to keep her heart in check when Cassius’ face lights up right along with Ashlyn’s.

“Hi handsome!” Ashlyn grins and bounces him on her leg. “Look at those cheeks and those two little teeth!” She gently tickles his cheek and gets a belly giggle. “Oh my gosh, I love you.” She hugs him and kisses all over the messy curls of hair on his head, getting even more giggles and feeling his fingers tug at her hair.

“Oh yeah, you love Auntie Ash’s hair huh?” Sydney laughs at both his reaction and the fact that Ali’s eyes might as well be two giant hearts right now. “We don’t get a lot of blonde around here.”

“Is that true? Do you just love me for my hair?” Ashlyn asks playfully, enchanted by the drooly grin she gets in return even as he continues to play with her hair. “That’s ok, I’m gonna spoil you anyway. And you can just tell me what color you want me to dye it, ok prince?” She hugs him again. “Oh my god, he’s the cutest.”

“Come on, Ali-gator. Help me get a bottle ready for him while he’s still distracted by that hair. He’ll turn into a tiny monster at any moment.” Sydney says at seeing the brunette’s eyes start to get glassy.

“Be right back. Make sure you leave some of Auntie’s hair for me, ok?” Ali kisses both of their cheeks before following Sydney into the kitchen.

“Well that is fucking adorable.” Sydney half whispers, Cassius’s loud giggles along with Ashlyn’s soft laughter still coming from the living room. “Are you dying right now? Cause even I’m dying a little.” She checks with Ali.

“Oh, I’m already dead. To say the least.” Ali leans against the kitchen wall and sinks down a bit with both hands over her heart.

“Yeah I could see that. Figured I’d give you a breather and let those two bond in there for a minute.” Sydney runs the bottle of milk under hot water.

“Am I ever gonna stop being surprised by how much more I love her when I thought there couldn’t possibly be another level?” Ali asks quietly, heart so full and pounding.

“I’m going with no.” Sydney answers even though she knows it was a rhetorical question. “And don’t think we’re not gonna talk later about those glassy ass eyes you had going on in there, but I was serious when I said he could turn into a tiny savage at any moment.”

“Hangry is in his genes.” Ali jokes and gets a glare shot in her direction.

“Bring the baby oat biscuits from the cabinet over there and let’s go.” Sydney stops to grab a bib and some baby wipes before heading back into the living room with Ali in tow, both of them stopping dead in their tracks at Ashlyn and Cassius having a crawl race across the living room rug.

“Auntie is in the lead, but Cash is hot on her heels. Oh, what’s this?! He’s bumping her into the coffee table and making his move, folks!” Ashlyn commentates as he crawls faster to catch her and knocks into her side in the process. “Oh no, auntie has spun out and Cash has overtaken her!” She flops onto her side, getting a loud squeal of delight as Cassius speed crawls the short distance to the couch. “He’s done it! Cash is the winner!” She uses her long reach to pick him up and hold him high above her while she lays on her back.

“That’s the fast track to getting a face full of baby drool, Auntie Ash. Or maybe worse.” Sydney warns even as she laughs at their antics, looking back at Ali who looks like she’s about to melt into a puddle again.

“I’ll take ALL the baby drool for these big smiles.” Ashlyn looks adoringly at the toothless grin above her.

“Alright speed demon, time to re-fuel.” Sydney takes Cassius and settles him in her lap, laughing when he just takes the bottle and holds it himself.

“Apparently independence is inherited.” Ashlyn chuckles, sitting up as Ali approaches and offers her a hand up. “Thanks, baby.”

_You are my whole damn world and you’re perfect._ “Love you.” Ali whispers and leaves a lingering kiss on the blonde’s lips as soon as she’s on her feet, leaning right in for a slightly longer one when she pulls back and sees that dimpled smile.

“Aunties are about to go from PG to R-rated real quick up in here.” Sydney can’t help herself.

“And you’d be lucky if we did.” Ali quips back and settles on the couch next to Ashlyn, pulling the blonde’s hand into her lap and holding it with both of her own. “Also when the hell did he get so fast?!” She asks in disbelief at Cassius’ crawling.

“All I know is I actually have a hard time catching him now and it’s madness.” Sydney replies just as Dom walks in the door.

“Hello, hello!” Dom drops his gym bag and goes over to kiss Syd and Cassius. “Uh oh, looks like I’m missing lunch.” He jokes as he holds up the box of baby biscuits next to Sydney.

“More like you’re right on time to make us lunch.” Sydney counters.

“So predictable. Good thing I picked up some fresh deep dish pizzas on the way home. Just have to get them out of the car.” Dom says proudly.

“Such a stud.” Sydney lightly taps him on the ass.

“Celebrity in the house!” Dom announces, going right over to Ashlyn to introduce himself. “You must be the Ashlyn that I hear Ali go on and on about through the phone when these two think I can’t hear them. I’m Dom, the one who definitely doesn’t wear the pants in this house.” He holds his hand out. “Nice to finally meet you proper.”

“Nice to meet you too, Dom. You might have to tell me about some of these things you hear about me later.” Ashlyn gets up and shakes his hand.

“Count on it.” Dom nods.

“Forgetting someone?” Ali teasingly clears her throat.

“Never.” Dom flashes a million-dollar smile at her. “Hi Als, we’ve missed you. Glad you’re here.” He hugs her tight. “Alright, let me go get the pizzas and we can eat while they’re still hot. Back in a jiff.”

“Ok yeah, he is really, really easy on the eyes.” Ashlyn comments as soon as Dom is out of earshot.

“Told ya.” Ali replies.

“Yeah, I pretty much married him just to look at him.” Sydney cackles. “Aren’t you lucky to be Daddy’s twin and know you’re gonna be a stud too.” She tickles Cassius’ nose.

“We can go set the table while you finish feeding him.” Ali offers and tugs the blonde into the kitchen, happy to sneak in a long kiss in private before Dom comes back in with the food.

\---

“I better go clean up the lunch mess.” Dom gets up off the couch, everyone still recovering from laughing at the fact that Cassius beat Ashlyn fair and square on their latest of several crawl races across the rug. “You have a good nap, mate.” He ruffles the baby’s hair as he walks by.

“I can help you.” Ashlyn offers, still flat on her back on the floor while Cassius plays with some kind of light up toy nearby.

“Offering to help with dishes after you’ve just spent an hour wearing out our kid for naptime, you’re too good Harris. Dom can handle it though.” Sydney replies.

“I really don’t mind. Assuming I can get up.” Ashlyn grimaces and gets on her feet. “Yep, I’m good.”

“Well if you insist then. Dom and Ash can get the dishes. Ali, you can get the little monster down for nap. And mama is gonna take a big ol’ break!” Sydney puts her feet up on the coffee table.

“Whatever you say, Queen Mum.” Ali rolls her eyes and goes over to pick up Cassius. “Auntie is gonna spoil you with a bunch of naptime stories.”

“Have fun with that.” Sydney puts her hands behind her head.

“Hey, Ash.” Dom comes out of the kitchen. “I know you’re all into computers and stuff, but do you play video games?”

“Oh god.” Sydney scoffs at the question.

“Definitely. Why?” Ashlyn replies.

“You any good?” Dom responds with another question.

“I’m gonna say pretty good.” Ashlyn smirks.

“Finally someone on my level then.” Dom says excitedly. “As soon as I’m done here, we’re playing!”

“Hey, I kicked your ass in Mario Kart that last time!” Ali pipes up.

“You keep thinking that.” Dom raises an eyebrow, making it clear he let her win.

“I take back every nice thing I ever said about you.” Ali pretend pouts.

“That’s fair.” Dom shrugs.

“Well while you’re showing off your man cave to Ash, give her a tour of the house. And bring their bags up to their room.” Sydney commands from the couch.

“Right-O.” Dom agrees and goes back to cleaning up.

“Give Auntie Ash lots of kisses for luck so she can crush Daddy in Mario Kart.” Ali brings Cassius close, giggling when he mostly just drools on the blonde’s cheek. “And one from me.” She pecks her lips.

“You want help getting him down for a nap? I’m sure the dishes won’t take long.” Ashlyn offers.

“Nope, you just keep your eyes on the Mario Kart prize.” Ali pecks her lips again. “Bury him.”

“I’ll bury him repeatedly just for you.” Ashlyn winks and goes to help Dom.

“Is she actually good at video games?” Sydney asks curiously, kissing Cassius a few times and handing him back to Ali.

“No idea.” Ali shrugs, never having watched Ashlyn play even though the woman owns at least three gaming consoles that she’s seen. “But seeing as how she can make a whole ass app in a couple hours, I’m not gonna question her gaming skills for a second.”

“Ha, me either! Poor Dom doesn’t know what he just got himself into.” Sydney chortles.

“Pretty sure Dommy is about to get his ass handed to him.” Ali smiles with satisfaction.

\---

“Holy shit! I thought I had a nice home gym, but it doesn’t even compare to this.” Ashlyn says in awe of the meticulously kept space with a plethora of equipment that could rival any local gym. Plus, there’s the added bonus of a pool table, a small bar, a huge leather couch, a TV projection screen, and a computer work station.

“What, did you think my man cave was just gonna be a like a home theater?” Dom laughs.

“Pretty much.” Ashlyn confesses. “Especially when you said it was in the basement.”

“As much as I love TV and video games and all that, I probably spend more time working out than anything else.” Dom tells her. “People think personal trainers work out a ton with being at the gym all day. We really don’t though. It’s hard to fit in workouts between clients and working out with them is not enough of a challenge to stay in proper shape. So, I have to come home and put the time in.”

“I could see that.” Ashlyn nods. “I know how fast my muscle definition goes away when I’m being a bit lax on the workouts or on vacation or something.”

“For sure.” Dom agrees. “And most of the people I train happen to be men, which they don’t listen to you or take you as seriously if you don’t look like this.”

“Damn, really?” Ashlyn says incredulously, even though she can totally believe it.

“Really. The bigger the guy, the worse it is.” Dom shrugs. “Anyway, use the gym or anything you want while you’re here. Our home is your home.”

“I might just have to take you up on that with all this insane equipment. Thank you.” Ashlyn says appreciatively.

“So, I have PlayStation and Nintendo. Which one first?” Dom leads the way over to the couch.

“Pretty sure you were talking a big Mario Kart game earlier. Bring it on.” Ashlyn rubs her hands together.

\---

“Thought you two were gonna have a Mario Kart showdown?” Ali walks in and scrunches her nose at seeing Madden football on the screen.

“We did and Ash creamed me enough times that I figured I’d switch to a game I have a better chance to beat her at.” Dom replies without looking up.

“Not looking like much of a chance there, Dommy.” Ali goads him about Ashlyn’s double digit lead as she sits down next to her girl.

“Still better than what went down in Mario Kart.” Dom laughs.

“Hi.” Ashlyn hits the pause button in the middle of running a play to give the brunette her full attention and earning herself a quick kiss.

“That was so soft, mate.” Dom groans at Ashlyn for pausing the game and elbows her in jest.

“Not as soft as the banana peel you spun out on just before the finish line in that last Mario Kart race.” Ashlyn guffaws when he scowls at her.

“Whatever. Did you really get him to nap?” Dom asks Ali with wide eyes.

“He’s asleep, but I am so not tooting my own horn. Took me almost forty minutes, at least twenty-five of which was singing to him just so he’d stop wailing.” Ali cringes. “Syd wasn’t kidding when she said he has a meltdown as soon as you go to put him in bed.”

“Yeah, it’s not pretty.” Dom commiserates.

“Where is Syd? I figured you two would be getting in some quality time.” Ashlyn asks.

“Found her fast asleep on the couch upstairs. How she slept through all that crying is beyond me.” Ali shrugs.

“We’ve learned to sleep through anything when we can get in some nap time.” Dom says unsurprised.

“Wanna play?” Ashlyn asks Ali. “We could go back to Mario Kart.”

“Nope. You two keep doing your thing. I’m just gonna chill and watch.” Ali replies. She snuggles more comfortably into Ashlyn’s side, curling her legs up on the couch and finding the perfect spot to rest her head on the blonde’s shoulder. It’s not long before the repetitiveness of the game and the soothing little flexes of Ashlyn’s arm muscles make her eyes heavy, sweet kisses placed on the top of her head every so often just lulling her to sleep all that much faster.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**January 30, 2021**

Ali opens her eyes and frowns when she reaches for Ashlyn and feels nothing but cold sheets. After taking a couple seconds to register that she’s in Syd’s guestroom, she grabs her phone and sees that it’s not even 7am yet. She yawns and stretches her arms before going to the bathroom to brush her teeth and put on her mascara, throwing her hair up into a messy bun while she’s at it. Given that Ashlyn was still talking animatedly about the Dwyer’s home gym when they went to bed last night, she assumes that’s where she is and heads right into the basement.

“Good morning, angel. I figured you were down here.” Ali smiles, finding Ashlyn sitting on the weight bench doing bicep curls in a black cutoff tank shirt and black athletic shorts. She can tell from her damp hair and sweaty clothes that she’s already been at it for quite a while.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Ashlyn’s face lights up at the sight of the brunette. She immediately puts the weights down and goes over to give Ali a kiss.

“Mmm, well that’s much better after waking up to no morning cuddles.” Ali steals another one. “Don’t want to intrude, just wanted to check on you.” She’s well aware that Ashlyn is in a new place with new people, something bound to have the blonde’s senses on higher alert and her mind swirling even if it’s in a positive way.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up. Just really needed to get in a workout before everyone was up and I lost the chance.” Ashlyn explains.

“It’s ok, babe. I know.” Ali gently strokes her cheek a few times and finds hazel eyes, conveying her understanding without uttering single word. _You’re stronger than anyone I know, love._

Even though Ashlyn had told her in one of their earliest conversations that being physically fit makes her feel safe, only more recently has the totality of it really hit Ali. She’s come to realize that for Ashlyn working out goes so far beyond health and fitness, it’s her life fuel. Being able to see and feel the strength and capability of her body and converting it into mental fortitude is Ashlyn’s source of belief in herself. Her belief that she’s grown and triumphed over her past, her belief that she’s a survivor who can do anything she puts her mind to. The woman has taken the body she spent most of her life feeling broken and uncomfortable in and transformed into her temple of safety. In pushing her physical limits, she reflects introspectively, finds her center, and emerges with a tenacious-but-peaceful energy that Ali can literally feel emanating from her. She can only liken it to her own power-up routine of putting on mascara and making the bed every morning, only on a much grander scale for Ashlyn.

_You always do_. Ashlyn silently kisses the brunette’s forehead, closing her eyes and leaving her lips there for a few seconds.

“Geez, what did you do to your legs?” Ali asks as her eyes fall on a few light purplish bruises near both of the blonde’s knees.

“It’s from all the crawling races with the munchkin yesterday.” Ashlyn admits. “Clearly I’m too old for crawling.”

“At this rate, you won’t have any legs left by the end of the weekend.” Ali grimaces.

“Totally worth it.” Ashlyn replies. “I’m just about done. I have one more set and then stretching a bit to cool down.”

“Take your time. Syd usually feeds Cassius when he wakes up around 5am and then they all go back to bed until around 8am. I’m gonna make some coffee for us and we can sit together for a little while on the sun porch.” Ali suggests.

“Perfect. Coffee with you is my favorite.” Ashlyn says sweetly.

“That’s a whole lot of Stanford charm for this early in the morning. Finish up so you can come cuddle me.” Ali commands playfully, enamored by the way Ashlyn just smiles at her and reaches to squeeze her hand before letting her walk away.

\---

“Damn, I’m exhausted.” Ashlyn leans heavily on the kitchen counter as Cassius’ bottle of milk warms up, the baby happily slobbering all over an oat biscuit in his high chair.

“Yeah well, you’re on like your twentieth crawl race of the day, babe.” Ali runs her hand through Cassius’ curly hair, pretty wiped out herself.

Cassius’ Porsche Power Wheels car had been delivered as planned this morning. And while Dom was ready to squeeze himself into it and drive the thing, Sydney had put her hand on her hip and shot Ali and Ashlyn a less than thrilled look at their level of auntie spoiling. They had managed to quickly get back in Sydney’s good graces with a surprise gift of giving her and Dom an afternoon off consisting of a couple’s massage and lunch at their favorite restaurant. Despite being thrilled to spend time babysitting, Cassius sure hadn’t made it easy on them by refusing his late morning nap and getting fussy if they weren’t actively playing with him for even a minute.

“I can make us some lunch and you can go sit and feed him his bottle.” Ashlyn offers, watching the brunette yawn.

“Absolutely not. You’re the one that has been literally on your knees chasing him around for like two hours now. You go chill on the couch and feed him. I’ll warm us up some of the leftover pizza from yesterday.” Ali insists.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” Ashlyn says appreciatively, grabbing the bottle of milk and scooping Cassius up from his high chair. “Come on munchkin, let’s get you fed and off to nap so you’re not all cranky when the parental units get home.”

Ali barely makes it a couple steps into the living room before Ashlyn quickly signals for her to stay quiet. Cassius’ bottle is almost empty, his head against the blonde’s shoulder with his tired eyes slowly blinking and staying closed longer with every passing second. “Jealous.” She mouths without a sound and beams when Ashlyn beckons her over and reaches out for her with her free arm. She puts down the two plates of pizza she was carrying as quietly as she can and cozies up right into the crook of the blonde’s neck. She knows they need to change the baby’s diaper and get him off to nap, but she stands no chance at dragging herself away from this perfectly serene moment.

\---

“Babe, you have to see this!” Sydney runs back into the garage where Dom is still getting bags out of the car from their impromptu shopping after lunch. “Shhh.” She tells him and takes him by the hand, practically dragging him into the living room and pointing to the couch at the deeply sleeping trio.

“Oh, that is frame worthy.” Dom whispers, holding his stomach as he does his best to laugh quietly.

Ashlyn is sprawled out on the couch with Cassius in one arm and Ali tucked under the other. One of Ali’s fingers is in Cassius’ grip, the empty baby bottle resting against the brunette’s forehead with a few droplets of milk in her hair. Two wet spots grace Ashlyn’s gray sweatshirt from where Cassius has both drooled and peed on her. Toys are strewn throughout the living room and two cold slices of uneaten pizza sit on the coffee table.

“Talk about a picture being worth a thousand words.” Sydney immediately pulls out her phone and gets the best angle she can before opening up Instagram and showing the caption she typed to Dom.

_He loves his aunties so much that he triple-marked his territory with milk, drool, and piss. You are loved by the two most beautiful hearts in the world, baby boy. #chaos #auntiesbabysit _

“Do it.” Dom encourages her, laughing again when she officially posts it and tags them. “I’m gonna run to the store and gets some steaks for dinner. I think they’ve earned it.”

“Good idea.” Sydney gives him a quick kiss and plops herself down on the chair nearby. She knows Cassius will be up soon enough and she isn’t going to miss a second of the wake up fun.

\---

“That’s way too hot. You’re gonna char those steaks to a crisp in like 10 minutes.” Ashlyn tells Dom bluntly when she goes outside to bring him some tongs and sees the grill blazing.

“Why do women always assume men are born knowing how to grill?” Dom asks with a sigh. “I haven’t the foggiest how to do this right even though Syd always has me grill stuff and then bitches about it not being great.”

“Don’t worry, I can show you.” Ashlyn offers with a chuckle. “First, let’s get that down to a medium heat.” She turns the knob to the right setting. “And I need to grab a coat if I’m gonna be out here.”

“Yeah, I’m going to get mine too. It got really cold.” Dom agrees and follows her inside.

“Excellent timing!” Sydney exclaims when they walk in. “Cashie is all ready for Auntie Ash to try her luck at avoiding a bedtime meltdown.”

“Really?” Ashlyn asks in slight surprise.

“Well, I failed last night. Your turn to crash and burn, Stanford.” Ali smirks.

“No, come on! She was just about help me grill the steak.” Dom whines. “You know I’m just gonna half burn it.” He appeals to his wife.

“How about you give me like five more minutes to give him instructions and then I’m on bedtime duty?” Ashlyn suggests.

“That’ll work.” Sydney nods. “Babe, get your phone and take a video of what she tells you.” She tells Dom with a laugh as they two of them start to walk away, knowing damn well that he just wings everything when he can’t remember how to do something.

“Alright, really isn’t that hard.” Ashlyn grabs a beer out of the refrigerator before going back outside with Dom, laughing when he actually takes his phone out and starts recording. “The temperature is good now. So, get the steaks on the grill and close the lid. Make sure you don’t open it at all for five minutes, not even to peek. Open it after five minutes, pour a little beer on the steaks and flip them over. Leave the top open and let them cook another ten minutes, pouring beer over them every couple minutes. Then grab some butter from the house, put like a tablespoon of butter on each steak and close the top again for two more minutes. Then they’re done. Got it?” She checks with him.

“Uh, mostly. She was right about the need for video.” Dom laughs at himself.

“You’ve got this!” Ashlyn jokingly rubs his shoulders and gives him a pep talk before going back in the house.

\---

“She’s so good with him.” Sydney comments at hearing Cassius giggle over the baby monitor.

“She really is.” Ali smiles. She moves to sit next to Sydney on the couch, the two of them watching Ashlyn settle into the corner chair in the nursery to read a couple bedtime books.

“Oop, that is a whole lot of milky drool, buddy. You’re gonna make auntie fly home shirtless tomorrow, aren’t you?” Ashlyn’s voice sounds through the monitor speaker. “It’s a good thing you’re the cutest and I love you. I’ll take_ all_ the drool for more smiles. Show auntie those big smooshy cheeks.” She tickles his face, getting another round of baby giggles before starting to read _Goodnight Moon._

“Oh my god, my heart.” Sydney puts her hand on her chest. “Please tell me you’re gonna go right home and have her babies.”

“Pretty sure that’s not quite how it works, babes.” Ali laughs.

“You know what I mean.” Sydney shoots her a look. “You cannot let those genes go to waste.” She points to the monitor.

“I hate to break it to you, but those genes are staying put.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

“What do you mean?” Sydney turns her body towards Ali.

“Her Mom died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Even though they determined it wasn’t the genetic type, she still has a deep fear about it that she can’t shake.” Ali explains.

“Well that’s relatable as fuck. Poor Ash.” Sydney frowns, easily able to recall the hellish three months she waited to find out if Cassius would be born with sickle cell anemia after she and Dom learned they were both carriers. “So, you’ve talked about it then?”

“Yes and no.” Ali answers truthfully. “We had a conversation about it once when she was my client. So, we talked about it in the context of us as separate people and not in terms of us being in a relationship together.”

“Ah, got it.” Sydney nods. “That’s still something though. And…” She prompts Ali to go on.

“I think we both see a family in our future. I’m just not exactly sure what it would look like for us.” Ali divulges. “My gut tells me that it probably doesn’t look like this.” She motions between Sydney and baby monitor to convey that she means their family.

“Hmm, ok.” Sydney takes it all in for a few seconds, trying to figure out why it wouldn’t look like a traditional family other than them being two women. “Talk to me about it.” She encourages gently. “It’s been a long time, but I thought you wanted to have a baby.”

“I did at one point.” Ali nods, stopping to smile when she hears Ashlyn do a terrible impression of Elmo as she reads. “I feel like I’m too old for that now.”

“Bitch, you did not just call me old!” Sydney swats her and calls out her shoddy excuse. “We’re the same age and you know I’m about to start working on a second kid. You can’t be all cheering me on and then say it’s age thing for you. If that’s what you’re worried about, get your baby-making ass going!”

“Again, it’s a bit more complicated for two women than firing up the baby-maker. Do we need to have a lesson on homosexual sex?” Ali replies sarcastically with a raised eyebrow.

“Alexandra…” Sydney doesn’t bite, but looks her right in the eye to make it clear that she’s not gonna let it go.

“Ok, fine.” Ali sighs. “I just don’t think having a baby fits into my life anymore. It was what I wanted when I was married to Brian and I had no idea who I really was and where I was going. And it was also when I still had my Mom by my side to do it all with.” She confesses honestly. “I just…” She pauses, unsure of exactly how to word it.

“Don’t want to worry about the right way to explain to your kid the reason why your parents aren’t there and be constantly reminded that their presence is missing.” Sydney fills it in for her knowingly and reaches to hold her hand. “And I’m sure that’s probably something on Ashlyn’s mind in a similar way.”

“Yeah.” Ali nods and squeezes her hand tightly. “Even if I still wanted to have a baby, which I really can’t say with much confidence that I do…it would never look the way I once envisioned it. Not that I can’t readjust that vision, but why readjust something I’m not even completely sure is what I want.”

“I know. I’ve actually pretty much suspected all that for years and I’m glad you finally said it out loud.” Sydney reveals.

“Me too.” Ali squeezes her hand again. “So, looks like you’re gonna have to keep popping out adorable babies for me to spoil.”

“This pussy has a two kid limit, so don’t get any ideas.” Sydney warns with a laugh and gets a loud snort from Ali. “Speaking of spoiling, your Stanford girl is on bedtime story number four and I definitely told her two.”

“Look at him all cuddled up on her though. Like you could say no to that.” Ali melts at the blurry image on the baby monitor of Cassius curled into Ashlyn’s chest happily sucking on his hand as she reads to him.

“We both know I can’t say no to that boy. Ash is gonna be up there all night at this rate.” Sydney shakes her head. “Alright, level with me here. You both pretty much want a family. You don’t think you want to have a baby yourself. She wouldn’t have a kid that was genetically hers. So, like what are you thinking?”

“I dunno. We haven’t really talked about it and I can’t say I won’t change my mind on something once we do. There’s always the off chance that she would have my kid or that maybe I still decide to have one.” Ali muses out loud.

“Please, I can tell from the tone of your voice that you’re just throwing out possibilities because you’re the queen of keeping all the options open. I know you have something in mind. Just say it.” Sydney looks at her expectantly.

“Well, I have no idea if Ash is in the same mindset anymore…but back when we talked about it that one time, she was adamant that she was going to adopt.” Ali keeps her eyes on the baby monitor. “I’d never given that option an ounce of thought until I went home that night. And the more I thought about it, not even in relation to her, the more it seemed like she was onto something. Like maybe that’s the kind of parent I’m meant to be. Even the idea of it felt right in a strange way, you know?”

“Sorry, I’m not sure I’m exactly following. Totally get adoption as an option, but what do you mean by ‘that kind of parent’?” Sydney tries to understand.

“I just mean that you’re sort of in the same place as your adopted kid, right? Where people who should be in your lives aren’t there for one reason or another. And instead of that being a missing piece or a stumbling block, it becomes a place of common ground where you can appreciate what you do have and find so much love and understanding in that. Like it becomes a way forward together as opposed to a void.” Ali tries to describe it. “Ugh, and that was really cheesy.” She rolls her eyes at herself.

“Nah, that was just deep as fuck and I’m gonna be thinking about it for weeks. See, I knew you had some mega insight in that brain of yours.” Sydney laughs lightly. “Anyway, I didn’t mean to push you on it. You two are just really starting out together and you have plenty of time for all. Just know that whatever direction you go in, Auntie Syd is gonna be thrilled and ready to roll.”

“Thanks, babes.” Ali leans her head on Sydney’s shoulder. “The best is that I really don’t feel pressured in any way for anything. I just love her so damn much and the truth is that I feel impossibly happy and at peace just to be with her. Anything that happens beyond that is a total bonus.”

“Girl, who even are you and what have you done with never-fully-content-with-anything Ali?!” Sydney begins to tease her only to be interrupted by Cassius’ loud cry as Ashlyn tries to put him in the crib. “Oop, there he goes! Guess even Auntie Ash doesn’t have the bedtime magic with this kid.”

“Shhh, shhh, shhh. Hey munchkin, it’s ok.” Ashlyn picks Cassius right back up and gently rocks him in her arms to no avail. “Hey, hey, hey, I’m still right here. Don’t cry, buddy.” She walks him further away from the crib, but it doesn’t work. “Want to race before bed?” She tries a different approach, her voice getting more animated to try and get his attention. “Race, Cashie? You wanna race?” She smiles when he stops crying. “There we go. Much better.”

“Tell me she’s not this big of a softie.” Sydney looks at Ali in disbelief even as Ashlyn gets down on the floor and puts Cassius right beside her.

“Oh, she is.” Ali’s face hurts from smiling so wide.

“Your mama is probably gonna kill me for getting you riled up before bed, but she’s not here so let’s go.” Ashlyn makes a funny face at him and softly pokes his belly, getting a big smile. “You ready? And, go!” She crawls across the floor with him even though her knees are screaming at her, letting him get ahead of her and laughing when he gets to the end of the room and just turns around to keep going. “Whew, he’s going multiple laps and everything.”

“This kid better not expect this shit from me, cause it ain’t happening.” Sydney chortles, watching Ashlyn crawl around the room at least six times before Cassius finally comes to stop.

“I’m gonna have to get her a wheelchair to get her on the plane tomorrow.” Ali’s heart thunders in her chest while she watches.

“We all tuckered out now?” Ashlyn picks him up and playfully raises his arm in the air. “The winner!” She spins around in a circle and belly laughs right along with him. “There we go.” She gently rocks him in her arms as his laugher dies down. “Promise your Auntie Ash that you’re gonna smile all those smiles and laugh all those laughs for yourself before you give them to anyone else, ok?”

“Aaaa…Ass. Ass!” Cassius squeals at her.

“I hope that’s a yes and you’re not trying to tell me something.” Ashlyn laughs softly, everything feeling warm inside at him trying to say her name. “Please don’t make me tell your mama that you’re swearing because you can’t say my name. A-sh…A-sh…Ash.” She tries hopefully.

“Ass. Aaassss.” Cassius repeats more quietly, big grin on his face even as his eyes start closing.

“Well thanks for nothing, munchkin. We’ll work on it.” Ashlyn kisses his forehead. “Love you, buddy.” She rocks him a bit longer just to be sure he won’t cry again once she puts him down.

“Seriously, my ovaries are going to explode and she’s not even my girlfriend.” Sydney exclaims, the two of them closely huddled over the baby monitor with glassy eyes. “How are you doing over there?” She nudges Ali.

“I’m…” Ali finds herself totally speechless at everything she feels right now. Stomach fluttering, heart about to burst, and never more certain about uncertainty.

“Mhmm, thought so.” Sydney smiles knowingly. “Alright babes, go get your girl.” She gives her a playful little push off the couch before going to check on Dom’s progress with dinner.

\---

“Just got him down to sleep finally.” Ashlyn whispers with a grin when she sees Ali standing in the hallway outside of the nursery, closing the door really quietly before turning to the brunette. “I didn’t fare much better than you did though.” She admits freely.

Ali gets as close as she can, reaching to softly hold Ashlyn’s face in both of her hands and holding her gaze. “I want all of it.”

“What?” Ashlyn replies quietly, seeing an intense depth of love in those whiskey eyes that she’s now seen a few times before. It makes her chest ache in the most amazing way as if her body immediately knows something great is coming. She wraps her arms around the brunette’s waist and rubs her lower back. “Everything ok, Alex?”

“Everything is wonderful, Ashlyn.” Ali keeps her hands on the blonde’s face, thumbs stroking her cheeks lightly. She closes her eyes for a second to ground herself, feeling like she’s about to float up off the ground.

“What’s going on, sweetheart?” Ashlyn implores her, trying to fully understand the moment that’s building…knowing from the look on Ali’s face that it’s one of those where something is about to explode between them and remake itself into something even better and stronger.

“I have no idea what any of it is going to look like for us and I can actually say that I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.” Ali’s voice is rushed and desperate to get the words out. “I want all of life with you. Every day, every minute, every second, every single heartbeat. Whatever it is for us, I want to live it all with you.”

“I know, beautiful. I know because I want the same with you.” Ashlyn tells her sincerely, her body surging with warm energy from the emotional enormity of it all. “Every day, every minute, every second, every single heartbeat.” She repeats Ali’s words before adding her own. “I’m gonna happily breathe every last breath living the life that is ours together. Better here than anywhere else…and ours no matter what it is.”

Ali can’t manage to say anything else, just kissing Ashlyn for all she’s worth. One of those kisses that instantly takes both of their breath away and makes them wonder if their tingling bodies will manage to hold them up…where everything disappears around them and leaves a mark that they’ll always be able to navigate their way back to.

“I love you more than literally fucking everything. I really mean that.” Ali’s rests her forehead against Ashlyn’s cheek as they both try to just breathe for a minute.

“I love you too, lovebug. In ways I’ll never be able to count and that I’m beyond thankful for.” Ashlyn smiles into the brunette’s hair. _I went through so much in my life to get you, but god was it so totally worth it._

Ashlyn wonders for a minute if they’ll eventually learn each other so well that these sudden bursting moments of insight and deeply sentimental declarations don’t happen. She sure hopes not. She loves how desperate it feels when they happen…the two of them clutching each other so tight that it feels like they become one entity, both so frenzied to convey the immense love they feel for the other that it hurts in such an incredibly good way. It’s nothing short of glorious. She pulls back to find whiskey eyes that look sweet and warm now. “Can I ask… what happened that brought that on just now?”

“Two words…” Ali’s face breaks out into a nose crinkling smile even as she says it. “Baby monitor.”

"Oh…right." Ashlyn smiles shyly, her heartbeat picking up again as she suddenly fully grasps what Ali was telling her. _A_ _family. She was talking about us having a family...our family. _"Come here." She hugs the brunette close, letting her fingers tangle into long sable hair. "You're so right, sweetheart. It doesn't matter at all what it looks like. We'll figure it out and it'll be perfect whatever it is." She makes it clear that she understands and is on the same page.

"I know, my love. I really do. I feel it." Ali says with renewed confidence, enjoying the security of Ashlyn's arms for another minute. "Come on, we should get downstairs so we don't keep them waiting for dinner."

"Yeah, time to see how Dom handled those steaks." Ashlyn holds the hug for another few seconds. "Love you."

"Love you too...Auntie Ass." Ali can barely get it out without cracking up laughing.

"Oh god. Of fucking course you heard that." Ashlyn pinches the bridge of her nose and look at Ali hopefully. "Please tell me Syd wasn't listening with you."

"You bet your _ASS_ she was." Ali erupts into more laughter before giving her a sympathetic smile.

"Great. Thanks a lot." Ashlyn groans at her sure-to-be new nickname. “I can’t decide if this is better or worse than Ruby.”

“Me either.” Ali shrugs. "Might as well embrace it, doesn't look like Cassius is gonna help you out by learning his H’s any time soon.”

"I’m buying that kid every alphabet and phonics toy on the planet." Ashlyn vows. “Until then, Auntie Ass it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Favorite parts?  
Thoughts on all things baby?


	52. Chosen Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you enough for your patience in waiting for updates! Life is making me juggle many things lately and finding time to write is a struggle. As a result, I haven't had as much time to think ahead about where to cut off chapters and have just been writing freely any time I can. So, I've decided to split the chapter I was working on into two because it was getting long to the extreme and reads better this way. Posting this one today and hoping to finish up the next one by mid next week (maybe sooner), so that way you have something to read now and then not too long before the next one. Next up after this chapter is their first Valentine's Day!  
Hope you're all staying safe and well :-)
> 
> I always love to know what you're thinking, so let me hear it in the comments!

Chosen Family

**February 1, 2021**

“Do you ever actually work or do you just hire other computer nerds to do everything for you?” Chris teases as soon as he hears his sister’s voice greet him.

“Despite having the luxury of being my own boss, I’ll have you know that I’ll be working until at least 9pm tonight to make up for staying home this morning to talk to you.” Ashlyn quips back.

“Damn, really?” Chris asks more seriously.

“Yes, really. Things are busy with the app we launched recently and we’re trying to work on other program development too.” Ashlyn explains. “So, you’re welcome and good morning to you too.” She adds with some sass.

“Sorry, good morning your highness!” He says extra cheerily to make up for not saying it sooner.

“Better.” Ashlyn chuckles. “How are you?”

“Doing alright.” He replies flatly.

“What’s going on?” Ashlyn hones in on his tone.

“Relax, I’m just annoyed. Some fucking idiot in here got caught trying to make an escape plan last week, so they’ve been fucking tearing through this whole place in beefed up security sweeps. It’s happened before, nothing new.” He lets out a breath. “I dunno, you have so little that’s yours in this shithole and then even that gets tossed around like garbage. Just sucks. Shouldn’t bother me, but it does.”

“I’m really sorry.” Ashlyn commiserates. “I can’t even imagine, but I’m here if you want to vent.”

“I know, but let’s talk about something else. I’m tired of being pissed off about it.” He replies in earnest. “How are you? How’s Ali?”

“We’re both good. Pretty much been a whirlwind few weeks in the best way, you know?” Ashlyn can’t help but smile as she says it.

“Well you still sound like a soft ass dodo bird, so I figured.” Chris says with amusement.

“Get used to it.” Ashlyn warns. “Ali was actually pretty bummed out when she learned that she couldn’t join in on this call. She didn’t realize me putting you on speakerphone wasn’t allowed, so she was counting on that until she got approved for calls with you.”

“Yeeeeah that’s one quick way to get your call terminated in like 5 seconds flat. I gotta admit that I’m still impressed by whatever computer nerd shit detects abnormal background noise and multiple voices.” Chris chuckles.

“Please, it’s hardly that high-tech. That’s low level crap these days.” Ashlyn informs him.

“Whatever you say, Poindexter.” He keeps teasing her.

“Your slang is also way out of date. Stick with nerd.” She gives it right back to him.

“Maybe Ali can set me right. God knows she pretty much gave me homework and is making me do it again cause I did it wrong the first time.” Chris tells her.

“Oh really?” Ashlyn asks with intrigue.

“You haven’t read the letters?” He asks somewhat surprised.

“Nah. She asked if I wanted to and I told her I didn’t. I like the idea of you two getting to know each other without me influencing, you know?” Ashlyn explains. “Besides, the two of us will visit you together soon enough, so there’ll be plenty of time in person for me to find out what you two have been saying about me.”

“Fair.” Chris replies. “It’ll give me a chance to tell her about that time Grams and I took you back-to-school shopping and you tried on those sneakers you found out of the box, and walked around the store in them for a while…”

“Oh god, I still feel bad about that!” Ashlyn groans. “That poor girl watched me walk around in her fucking shoes for like twenty minutes before working up the guts to ask me if she could have her shoes back because her mom said they had to leave.”

“It was fucking hilarious.” Chris laughs at the memory.

“And embarrassing as hell. Well, knock yourself out. I’m sure Ali will get a kick out of it.” Ashlyn chuckles.

“Gotta take things up a notch so I do better on the homework this time.” He replies, still laughing.

“Yeah so what’s this homework thing?” Ashlyn asks curiously.

“That first letter she sent was like telling me a little about herself. Some stuff I already knew from what you’ve told me, like what she does for a living and a few basics about her family. And then also some fun stuff about things she likes to do and like her favorite foods or whatever. Anyway, she ended it by saying she was hoping to learn some of the same things about me.” Chris recounts. “So ya know, homework.”

“Oh god, what did you do?” Ashlyn questions.

“Well nothing really. I didn’t bother with family stuff because I figured she already knew all that from you. And you know me and my humor, I guess I was trying to be a little funny…anyway I replied with my favorite meal here and what I do most days.” He explains. “She wrote back something along the lines of while she appreciates learning about my prison experience because she’s honestly very naïve about it, that it doesn’t define me as a person and she also wants to know me as a person outside of this whole prison thing. She literally wrote ‘you get a do over’.” He snickers.

“Yep, that’s my girl and her therapist self.” Ashlyn laughs. “That’s also what you get for being a smart ass.”

“Yeah, yeah. She really is something. She made her point by saying if she doesn’t know stuff like my favorite meal, then when I get out of here she’ll have prison-bread grilled cheese waiting for me and I’ll have totally deserved it.” He guffaws again. “And she said she needs to know these things now because I can trust that it’ll her years to learn how to make an edible version of whatever it is I like.”

“She’s not lying about that.” Ashlyn says lightly. “I won’t tell her that you picked up as many of Gram’s cooking skills as I did.”

“Yeah let the woman have a vision of cooking me a feast, geez.” He plays back. “She’s really beautiful…you’re a lucky fuck.” He says more seriously.

“I am, but how do you know what she looks like other than what I’ve told you?” Ashlyn says quizzically.

“She sent me a picture of you two in the second letter after she asked in the first letter if it would be okay.” Chris explains. “You look really good too, Tag-along. Really happy.”

“Thanks, I really am.” Ashlyn smiles, heart full at Ali’s approach of connecting with her brother. _Of course she asked you directly about something like a picture, she never assumes. _“Hey uh…I’m really sorry I’ve never sent a picture or asked you about it. I guess with our conversations…well, I’ve always assumed you didn’t want reminders of the outside. I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.” She says regretfully.

“Don’t be. I would’ve told you no if you asked. You assumed right.” He tells her frankly.

“Then why…” Ashlyn trails off, trying to understand but not sure how to word the question so it doesn’t sound like she’s making this about herself. Obviously, he’s been doing things a little differently for a while now with talking to her more often and letting her visit, but not as far as staying as removed as possible from all things outside world.

“I dunno. Maybe it was hearing about Ali being excited to meet me and why. And the way she’s written some things about the future that include me.” He tries to describe it. “I guess maybe I’m considering that there’s an eventual end to this whole thing, and that it’s potentially worth looking forward to. Something like that.”

“So, to be clear…I know you’ve been sort of making the most of where you are lately. And this is an extension of that? Like you’re looking forward a bit to what comes after?” Ashlyn probes to be sure.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Chris says simply.

“And how are you doing with all that?” She digs further to check in on his mindset.

“What the fuck kind of question is that? Christ, you’ve spent too long with Ali.” He mocks her very therapist question.

“Probably.” Ashlyn concedes. “For real though…” She steers him back to her question.

“I’m ok. Better than I was expecting actually. I always figured thinking about it would just depress me, but it hasn’t so far.” His voice is confident and sincere.

“That’s good.” Ashlyn can’t help but grin widely.

“Yeah, it’s good.” Chris confirms. “The only problem is that I need to keep that picture hidden around here with you two looking the way you do. Otherwise it’ll end up stolen and very sticky if you know what I mean.”

“Oh my fucking god! I did NOT need to know that!” Ashlyn cringes at the implication even while the sound of her brother’s deep jubilant laugh warms her soul.

\---

“Bye Laurie, I’ll see you in two weeks.” Ali gives her client a little wave as the woman walks out the door. She sits down at her desk, getting ready to use the hour she has before her next appointment to type up her session notes. She checks her phone, smiling like usual when she sees a text from Ashlyn.

_Ashlyn: Hey baby, will you text me when you have a quick break between clients?_

“Hmm.” Ali’s brow furrows in concern, her mind going right to Ashlyn’s call with Chris this morning and wondering what happened.

_Alex:_ _I have an hour now til my next session. What’s going on? Everything ok, Ash?_

She stays glued to her phone, but it only takes a minute for Ashlyn to reply.

_Ashlyn: Everything’s great, promise. Just want to see you for a minute. I’m at the café next to your office building. Which door is your office?_

_Alex: Be right down._

Ali doesn’t even bother to put on a coat and opts to hurry down the four flights of stairs rather than wait for the elevator. By the time she walks out the door, Ashlyn is just a few feet away on the sidewalk.

“Hi.” Ali quickly pecks her lips and then pulls back a bit to look at her face. “I’m beyond happy to see you, but what’s going on? Is Chris ok?”

“Yeah. Everything is…just…” Ashlyn loses herself in those whiskey eyes, not even bothering to finish her thought before leaning in to kiss Ali deeply. Despite it already being an inappropriately long kiss given that they’re on a public sidewalk, the brunette’s hands reaching up to hold her face and neck just egg her on to keep going until she needs to break for air.

“Woah. Hello to you too.” Ali smiles at the Carmex tingle spreading across her lips as she leans her forehead against Ashlyn’s cheek. “What was that all about?”

“That was thank you.” Ashlyn holds her in a hug.

“For?” Ali looks at her inquisitively.

“Giving my brother hope.” Ashlyn looks at her meaningfully.

“Okay, I guess that means your call went well and we’ll talk about this in more detail later?” Ali smiles, relieved that everything is fine.

“Correct.” Ashlyn nods.

“Want to come up and see my office now that you’re here?” Ali asks hopefully.

“Ugh. I really, really do, but I’m so fucking late already and Crystal was nice enough to come get me from here so I can get to the office faster.” Ashlyn points across the street to the parked Escalade where Crystal is waving at them. “As it is, I’m thinking I won’t be home until like 9pm.”

“Bummer.” Ali playfully pouts. “Wait Stanford, you really came over here just to kiss me?”

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Ashlyn smiles coyly with a little laugh.

_You are so fucking cute. _“One for the road then.” Ali captures the blonde’s lips in a shorter but equally passionate kiss, leaving a few little pecks on the corner of her mouth before pulling away. “I really love you, angel.”

“I really love you too, Al.” Ashlyn presses their foreheads together for another few seconds, feeling the brunette shiver a bit. “It’s cold, get that sexy ass back inside.” She commands with a smirk.

“This sexy ass is gonna be home in your comfy sweats just waiting for you to join me on the couch later.” Ali pinches her cheek.

“That will definitely get me through the next 10 hours. Can’t wait.” Ashlyn kisses her softly. “Have a great rest of the day, beautiful.”

“You too, love.” Ali reaches down to entwine their fingers just so she can maintain the contact between them for a couple seconds longer as Ashlyn walks away.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**February 5, 2021**

“So you had plenty of access to medical and computer technology, but the reliability of electricity was the bigger problem?” Ashlyn asks Heather and Dave who eagerly start answering her question together.

Ali works hard not to smile too much given the serious nature of the conversation, but she’s enamored by the fact that this has to be like the twentieth follow-up question Ashlyn has asked. Of course, Heather and Dave don’t mind one bit, the two of them thrilled like always to get to talk in-depth about their Doctors Without Borders experience. With Ashlyn being completely captivated by their stories, it has kept them talking about it even longer than usual.

Even though Heather was dying to meet Ashlyn, she and Dave had agreed they wanted to be able to do it together. Given that they’re on mostly opposite work schedules these days, it took nearly a month for all four of them to find themselves gathered around a myriad of Chinese food take-out containers in the condo dining room for a low-key dinner.

As Ali could have predicted, the conversation has been less banter based than what it was with Sydney and Dom, but has the usual sense of comfort and ease that Heather and Dave always bring with them. She tries to pay close attention, but keeps finding herself focused on Ashlyn’s demeanor and tone, forever taken by the way the woman so easily makes anyone she’s taking to feel like the most important person on the planet. It’s the way she listens with so much care and sincerity, her responses and questions coming from such an authentic place.

“Kriegs?” Heather says more loudly, giving Ali a teasingly look when the woman finally pulls her attention away from Ashlyn.

“Sorry, what?” Ali smirks at the expression Heather is giving her.

“You want the last egg roll?” Heather asks again.

“No, I’m good. You go ahead.” Ali replies, feeling Ashlyn’s hand land on her thigh the way it always does when the blonde is silently checking in with her. She finds Ashlyn’s hand with her own and gives it a little squeeze to signal that she’s great despite having been a little distracted. 

“I honestly didn’t expect to have any kind of wifi at all. My totally uninformed self just assumed we’d be dealing with dial-up at best or even nothing at all.” Heather continues on as she helps herself to the last egg roll.

“The wifi itself was actually decent too, but the power would go out a lot and then it would take the wifi system like 20 minutes to fully reset. So you’d get like 30 minutes to an hour to use it before the damn power would flicker off again.” Dave adds. “Endless cycle.”

“The electricity thing was definitely an annoyance in terms of day-to-day life, but it was absolutely brutal when you were in surgery and had to suddenly rely on headlamps and battery backed-up equipment that was constantly on and off.” Heather describes it. “Imagine trying to be critically precise and the fucking lights go out and a loud ass generator starts up.”

“Jesus Christ.” Ashlyn says with wide eyes.

“Yeah, the surgery suites at the worst hospitals in America seem like luxury in comparison.” Dave puts it into perspective. “I can definitely say that it made me a better surgeon.”

“Same.” Heather agrees. “I certainly complain a lot less about our equipment than I used to.” She adds with a giggle.

“I bet.” Ashlyn smiles, thinking for a minute on everything they’ve said. “Our company has actually been approached a lot by various outreach organizations in all kinds of attempts to bring more advanced technology to disadvantaged places all over the world. At first, Whitney and I jumped at every opportunity to help fund these projects, but then I started taking a closer look at what they were doing and it seemed…well, contrived I guess.”

“Like sending over a bunch laptops and stuff, right?” Dave says knowingly.

“Exactly. And when I looked into it, it was so clear that it was kind of pointless when the infrastructure needed work first. Like all I could picture was iPads being used as like doorstops or something in some remote area with no internet access. You know, cart before the horse and all that.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“We actually saw a couple boxes of brand new Samsung tablets sitting in a dusty old school room once. I kid you not.” Dave tells her.

“See!” Ashlyn exclaims. “Anyway, we’ve shifted to being more hands-on and funding local projects. And then also funding international projects related to developing infrastructure, but there’s so few of them.”

“Yeah because too many people like to do these things to feel like they’re being charitable, but don’t want to put the work in to dig deeper and help in more effective ways.” Heather says passionately. “I mean, we struggled mightily with feeling like we were playing into the white savior thing. We did our best to genuinely connect with the people there and their way of life and to stay connected now that we’ve left. It’s not perfect, but it’s a constant work in progress.”

“For what’s it worth, I think you two are amazing.” Ashlyn says genuinely.

“Me too. But I tell them that all the time.” Ali agrees.

“Yeah, yeah. Enough about us before we start getting into gory surgery stories nobody wants to hear over dinner.” Heather waves her off. “So what kind of local programs do you work with?” She asks Ashlyn.

“We financially invest in quite a few projects mostly related to bringing technology and STEM programming into underfunded schools in and around the city. I’m more deeply involved with a shelter for LGBTQ+ youth which is primarily funded by our company and through outside donations. That doesn’t have much to do with technology really, but rooted in my own personal interest obviously. And then me and our upper level administration are really hands on with the local senior centers where we spend time each month helping older people learn and use social media to connect with their families and friends.” Ashlyn answers. “Often ends up with me just going around the room to help them all get on Facetime with their grandkids.” She chuckles softly.

“Oh, that actually sounds really fun!” Heather exclaims.

“It is. I really love all the people and their different personalities. There’s a group of them that consistently come to every workshop, so I’ve made some friends.” Ashlyn smiles. “And the stuff you hear over the Facetime calls is priceless.”

“Is it a once a month thing?” Dave inquires.

“Pretty much. Five of us each hold one session per month at five different centers.” Ashlyn answers, noting the way he and Heather seem pretty interested. “We could always use extra help if you ever want to stop by one.”

“I’m in! I love being a pediatrician, but it would be cool to have the experience of working with older people a bit. Just get me a schedule so I can try to make it work.” Heather says eagerly.

“Same.” Dave nods.

“Woah, woah. How come I haven’t been invited to one of these yet?” Ali finally chimes in after having been happily engrossed yet again just watching the back and forth between her love and her best friends.

“Oh you can bet you’ll be recruited, Harvard. We just don’t operate from November through January because there’s a lot of holiday related programming jammed into those months. Plus, people’s families tend to visit them more and there’s always more volunteers around holiday time.” Ashlyn explains.

“If only we had holiday spirit all year round.” Heather comments, emphasizing her point again about charity often being superficial.

“Yeah, I always feel like a lot of them are actually lonelier right after the holidays. Like there’s sort of a letdown when the extra attention is over.” Ashlyn frowns a bit before looking at Ali. “Luckily, this beautiful smile is gonna help me bring lots of cheer at the end of the month when it’s time for the Facetime extravaganza.” She softly pokes the brunette’s cheek.

“Can’t wait.” Ali leans in and pecks her lips, feeling excited at the prospect of seeing a side of Ashlyn she doesn’t really know yet.

“Stinkin’ cute!” Heather half squeals at their little interaction.

“Wow hon, just a bit much.” Dave raises his eyebrows at his wife.

“Yeah geez HAO, even Syd managed not to shriek at us for a whole weekend.” Ali teases her.

“Well excuse me for feeling the feels!” Heather rolls her eyes.

“Feeling the feels? Ok, what have you done with the real HAO?” Ali makes fun of her best friend’s out-of-character level of emotion before something clicks. “What a fucking minute…” She narrows her eyes and gives Heather a knowing look.

“Uhhh.” Heather’s eyes go wide even as she looks at Dave for help.

“Oh please, like we didn’t know this was gonna happen.” Dave says completely unsurprised.

“Oh my god.” Ali covers her mouth with her hand and tries to be patient.

“Impressed we made it this far. Not only does she figure everything out in record time, but she also reads you like a book, babe.” Dave adds as Heather still sits there looking a little stunned.

“Well, I’m kinda lost. So, you have that.” Ashlyn smiles with a shrug, her eyes darting around the table as she tries to make sense of the various facial expressions.

“HAO.” Ali implores in a half whisper, bouncing slightly in her chair.

“Ok, ok. I’m pregnant!” Heather’s face lights up as she says it, but quickly turns more composed. “But it’s really early and I’m barely three weeks along…and you know my family history.” She cautions. “Just found out yesterday.”

“HAO!” Ali slightly squeaks, doing her best not to overdo it given that every woman in Heather’s family has miscarried at least once. “Ok, so I get it and we won’t get nuts about it…but still, I’m so happy for you guys! I should’ve known when you ate three fucking egg rolls!” She gets up and goes around the table to hug her bestie. “Congratulations.” She says softly as she moves to hug Dave.

“We’re trying hard to stay cool, but it’s really exciting.” Heather confesses.

“She bought the first onesie on our way home yesterday, so really not staying cool AT ALL.” Dave laughs.

“After YOU suggested we actually go into that baby store!” Heather fires back with a grin.

“It’s amazing news. Congratulations!” Ashlyn speaks up after giving the three friends a minute to celebrate together first. She gets up and gives the couple a hug. “We’re here for literally anything and everything along the way. Count on it.” She adds more meaningfully.

“Awww, well give me another hug then. People aren’t playing about these fucking hormones and you and Kriegs are killing me with all the gushy stuff.” Heather fans her watery eyes before going in for that second hug which Ali joins in on. “Long way to go still.” She adds with a sigh as they pull apart.

“You know, I have one of those gut feelings that it’s going to go great.” Ashlyn smiles softly with a little shrug.

“I hope you’re right.” Heather smiles back at her.

“Me too.” Dave nods.

“Well this is the same gut that had a good feeling about Instagram, so I’m banking on it being right.” Ali lightly taps Ashlyn’s stomach with a smile.

“Exactly the kind of good vibes I need.” Heather exclaims before turning to Ashlyn. “Now show me how to use this new app of yours that tells me when I can take a pee break. If your gut is right, I’m gonna need it.”

\---

_HAO: I just love her! She’s so incredibly nice and well-spoken too. And the way she looks at you is the sweetest thing ever. And Dave hasn’t shut up about her the whole way home, so he clearly thinks she’s the cat’s ass too. Official HAO Seal of Approval!_

Ali smiles to herself after reading the text, leaning forward from where she’s sitting on the bed to see Ashlyn brushing her teeth in the bathroom_. Everybody loves you, but I love you most._

_Kriegs: As if there was any question! She’s…honestly everything and then some. So glad you finally met her. HAO, I’m so happy for you babes! I know there’s a road ahead, but please don’t be so nervous that you miss out on enjoying it. Bad streaks are made to be broken._

_HAO: Thanks, Kriegs. As nervous as I am, the excitement keeps winning out so far. Cheers to breaking the streak! _

_Kriegs: That a girl!_

_HAO: This is gonna sound crazy. And I’m a fucking doctor who doesn’t tolerate anything but science, so really crazy. But when Ashlyn said she had a gut feeling that it would go great, the way she said it, I believe it._

_Kriegs: You and me both :-) Buuut you’re married and she’s mine, sooo down girl. Love you, muah!_

_HAO: Like anyone wouldn’t know she’s yours forever by the way you hold onto her arm like you own it at every chance you get! ;-) Love you moooore!_

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**February 7, 2021**

“This is so surreal.” Nancy sips her coffee, looking between Ali and Ashlyn with a little smile. “In a good way.” She adds in clarification. After exchanging pleasantries and making small talk about the holidays and her Italy trip, she’s been sitting here listening to them recount how everything happened on New Year’s Eve and what they’ve been up to since.

Being a sex and relationship therapist, she has sat across from countless couples with countless dynamics and somehow she finds herself flabbergasted by the couple sitting across the table from her. It feels strange in a way. She knows them both so well, Ali as her family and colleague, Ashlyn as her patient…knows their personalities in and out, they’re strengths and weaknesses, their light and dark sides, their idiosyncrasies. She’s listened to them detail their love for and connection to each other for hours on end over the last couple years. Nothing about seeing them together for the first time should surprise her in any way, but it does.

Even the way they look at her right now with a mix of confusion and curiosity is in sync, their heads slightly cocked to the side towards each other. Everything between them exudes ease but also passion. The way they’re sitting is a perfect example...a comfortable space between them like that of two friends, but there are discrete little touches every so often on each other’s arms or hands, the contact simultaneously a means of affection and security. They banter with each other constantly, but never at the other’s expense. They don’t finish each other’s thoughts or sentences even as the re-tell the same story. Instead they listen to each other intently, somehow so keenly aware of when the other is about to finish that they play off each other’s conversation seamlessly. It’s blatant how off the charts in love they are, but more than that, they’re clearly so comfortable in that love. They’re dazzling. That’s the only word she can think of to describe it. She’s dazzled.

“Surreal how?” Ali asks, eyebrow quirked as she tries to understand the smile on Nancy’s face paired with the way she seems to be studying them.

“Well, obviously I know both of you pretty damn well. I’ve listened to each of you talk about this relationship for a long time, even when it didn’t seem like a reality. I’ve gotten to sort of experience all the elements of it from both sides. I mean, if anyone outside of the two of you understands the depth of what you share together, it’s me right?” Nancy tries to explain.

“No lies there.” Ashlyn smiles, finding Ali’s hand on the table and covering it with her own.

“I just realized that as strongly as I felt about you two being so well matched and having faith that you would find your way to exactly this…I never actually pictured it.” Nancy divulges.

“Oop, proud mama in the house.” Ashlyn half teases and squeezes the brunette’s hand in an attempt to cut through the more serious looking exchange that seems to be happening under both Ali’s and Nancy’s smiles, hoping whatever it is gets brought to the surface.

The slight squeeze on her hand pulls Ali from her thoughts, making her realize that Ashlyn has also seen the way Nancy is looking at them. The look she’s now gotten distracted trying to figure out. She knows her godmother’s nature is not to share her thoughts on something unless she’s asked. She needs to ask if she wants to know. She squeezes Ashlyn’s hand back appreciatively and smiles at her knowingly before turning back to Nancy. “And now that we’re in front of you in reality, what exactly are you thinking?” She asks directly.

Nancy smiles at the invitation to say more, sipping her coffee to give herself a minute. “It’s not anything even remotely negative in any way, shape, or form.” She assures them first. “Seeing you two together in person like this…” She pauses as her brain works to find a better word because she refuses to say dazzling out loud. It sounds too understated and immature for what she’s feeling. She actually didn’t quite know what she was feeling until Ashlyn put the perfect words to it. _Proud mama. _The words ring in her mind again and she knows what she wants to say.

“You know that it’s exceedingly rare that I’m sentimental, so bear with me.” Nancy prefaces. “This isn’t exactly the best place to do this.” She looks around the café, wishing it was quieter.

“Doesn’t matter where we are, you can tell us.” Ali reassures her, knowing whatever is coming must be important, maybe weighty, it’s hard to tell.

“Ashlyn was right just now, I feel proud of you two.” Nancy dives in. “Knowing where you’ve both come from and what you’ve been through, even well before you even knew the other existed. Everything you’ve battled apart, and then together, and then apart again until you got to where you are right now…to look at you two and see what all of that led to is very moving for lack of a better word. I can see so easily for myself that every second of it was worth it and that absolutely nothing would have stopped you from eventually finding your way to each other.” She pauses. “I’m proud of you for actually fighting for it and what you’ve made of it, and proud to have played even a little part in it. And I hope you two are proud of yourselves, because you absolutely should be.”

“Was definitely worth every second, and I’m definitely proud of all of it.” Ashlyn nods.

“Same for me. Proud of her and myself, of us.” Ali agrees wholeheartedly.

“Good.” Nancy smiles at them. “It’s more than that though.” She focuses her gaze on Ali. “I’ve told you so many times that your mother would’ve been so proud of who you’ve become. Both as a therapist and a person. I meant every word of that.”

Ali nods with glassy eyes, grateful for Ashlyn still holding her hand securely because she knows that what she was sensing before in Nancy’s expression is about to reveal itself.

“But I’m looking at you two together and all I can think is that this…” Nancy motions between the two of them, “this is what Debbie would’ve been proudest of.” She pauses for a second before continuing. “I once asked her honestly what she thought about you majoring in economics at Harvard. If she was disappointed that you weren’t going down the path of being a therapist because I knew how much she believed that it would suit you perfectly. Do you know what she said?”

Ali softly shakes her head no, hanging on every word and gripping Ashlyn’s hand tight.

“She said ‘All I want is for her to find the same pure joy she had when she was five years old and watched the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree light up for the first time. I want her to find whatever it is that lights her up just like that. But in a concrete way, a balanced way that’s real and sustainable, and not where she’s chasing some momentary high over and over again. I just want her to find that, whatever it is.’” Nancy keeps her eyes on her goddaughter. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Keep going.” Ali says softly.

“All I know for sure is that she would have sat across from you and Ashlyn, watched you together for a few minutes, and seen that everything she ever wanted for you was yours. She would have been truly happy.” Nancy says sincerely, her eyes as glassy as Ali’s. “Still off the charts proud of you for everything else of course, but seeing this, how you’re radiating in the most harmonious and real way…this is what would have meant the world to her. It’s exactly what she wanted for you.”

Ali waits until she knows the tears burning at the corners of her eyes won’t fall before asking the question on her mind. “How come you’ve never told me she said that?”

“I’m not really sure, but I think part of it is that I can’t say I knew exactly what she meant outside of suggesting that your ex-husband wasn’t a good fit.” Nancy smirks. “Maybe also because I wasn’t there to see your face that day when you were five. And even if I had been, I’m not sure I would’ve seen what she saw as your mother.” She thinks it through even as she speaks. “In my head, it was always just one of those passing conversations between friends where you talk about things you wish for the future. I actually kind of forgot about it until I saw you two today…it’s the first time I know exactly what she means. I see it, I get it. You’re all lit up, but in that sustainable way she was talking about.”

“I am.” Ali says confidently. She knows she is. She can see it too; that she’s her true and best self in this place. Ashlyn Harris is her place. “Thanks for telling me.” She says in a whisper, doing her best not to get too emotional. She never would have guessed in a million years that her mother’s blessing would be something she ever wanted. And while it’s not directly her mother’s blessing, the fulfillment of her wish is pretty much the same thing, and it means a lot. It means a whole lot.

“Of course.” Nancy reaches out briefly covers the entwined hands of both women with her own, giving a little squeeze before pulling back and turning her attention to Ashlyn. “The other thing I want to say is that Debbie would have absolutely adored you, Ashlyn. She would have been delighted and fascinated by you to the point of likely making you her very own case study.” She giggles at the thought. “I’ve known that and wanted to say it for a long time now, but it wasn’t my place to. She would have freakin’ loved you.”

Ashlyn swallows hard. Ali’s soft laugh next to her tells her that what Nancy said about her being a case study is true, whatever that means. The tight grip on her hand tells her the rest is true too. She grins, still taking everything in that has been said. “Wow Yoda, that was…a lot.”

“I know.” Nancy nods. “I didn’t really see it coming either.” She laughs.

“Yoda?” Ali looks at Ashlyn.

“Oh yeah, she’s been calling me Yoda for years now.” Nancy tells her.

“Think I like Fancy Pants better.” Ali teases. “Oh, Yoda Fancy Pants!”

“Yes!” Ashlyn snickers.

“Great.” Nancy says sarcastically. “Which reminds me.”

“Oh god, what else are you gonna drop on us?” Ali asks lightly.

“Well it impacts Ashlyn mostly, but then again probably not that much given that we haven’t had any official therapy sessions in quite a while.” Nancy replies. “I’m not sure whether you’re already working with another therapist already or even if you want to, Ashlyn. I can help you find someone if you want, but I’m officially recusing myself as your therapist. Not because I don’t think I could be objective even with my relationship to Ali, because I know I could.” Her eyes move from Ashlyn over to Ali. “It’s just that I’ve missed out on a lot when it comes to the personal side of your life, and I don’t want to miss out on more for the sake of being neutral. I really don’t want to miss this.” She motions between the two of them to be clear.

“You won’t. Promise.” Ali says resolutely.

“I mean, you’re still gonna be my Yoda.” Ashlyn chuckles. “Don’t worry though, I think I’ve had enough sex therapy to last a lifetime.” She says more reassuringly.

“Hey now.” Ali nudges Ashlyn with a smile.

“Kidding, sweetheart.” Ashlyn cheeses. “Anyway, at some point I’ll go to back to more general therapy because it’s always been a good thing for me. I’ll definitely ask for some recommendations when I’m ready for that. God knows plenty of therapists will run away once they see my track record.”

“What do you mean?” Ali asks with a furrowed brow.

“Well my last two therapists are now family, so.” Ashlyn snickers, feeling warm when Ali’s melodic laugh practically fills her chest.

“Family. I love that.” Nancy says meaningfully. “Well I won’t take away anyone else’s godmother title, so I can be your Aunt Yoda.” She adds to the laughter.

“No worries, I don’t have a godmother to fight you on titles.” Ashlyn replies matter-of-factly.

“You do now then.” Nancy says easily, watching Ashlyn’s face break out into a smile.

Ali kisses the top of Ashlyn’s shoulder a couple times before looking at Nancy. “Godmama Yoda Fancy Pants it is. And done!” She says with finality.

\----

“Ugh, Monday is already tomorrow. When did weekends get so exhausting?” Ashlyn presses her nose into the back of Ali’s neck as they settle into bed.

“When we started having deep moments of emotional bonding pretty much every weekend. Just a theory.” Ali giggles. “Welcome to the new relationship process of getting to know all the important people in each other’s lives and blending it all together.”

“Mhmm.” Ashlyn hums with a little yawn. “Totally worth it. We’re blessed with some amazing people in our lives.”

“We really are. But yeah, weekends need to be longer.” Ali commiserates.

“Speaking of...did you happen to make any plans that you can’t change for next weekend?” Ashlyn asks, hoping it’s not too short of notice given that she just got confirmation today that everything was firmed up.

Ali smiles knowingly and turns to face her. “We were never going to do some fancy Valentine’s Day dinner, were we?”

“Nope. Unless you really wanted to?” Ashlyn grins playfully, knowing Ali knows damn well that the typical Valentine’s Day celebration options would be last on her list.

“Nope.” Ali repeats back. “Are you asking me to drop everything and follow you blindly, Stanford?”

“Exactly what I’m asking, Harvard.” Ashlyn kisses her softly. “Only if it’s not too much trouble. I can work around things if we need to.”

“As if I wouldn’t literally follow you blindly anytime and anywhere.” Ali winks. “So, what exactly do you mean when you say ‘weekend plans’?”

“The earlier we can leave on Friday, the better. We’ll be back by Sunday night.” Ashlyn gives her only the necessary details.

“I’ll admit I had my own plans up my sleeve, but I can readjust fairly easily. I have some appointments on Friday until about 2pm that I can’t drop though. Let me see if I can shift things to earlier that morning so we can leave sooner.” Ali thinks it through.

“Thank you, beautiful. Sorry for the late notice. I was trying to get everything into place before saying anything. Don’t feel any pressure though, we can leave whenever on Friday. Promise.” Ashlyn reassures her.

“So, you’re whisking me away, Stanford?” Ali asks playfully, leaving soft kisses along Ashlyn’s jaw. _So damn romantic. Promise I’ll sweep you off your feet too, babe._

“Exactly what I’m doing, Harvard.” Ashlyn smirks, breath hitching when Ali’s mouth gently sucks just behind her ear.

“Want to start right now, Stanford?” Ali mumbles against warm skin, sucking on the same sensitive spot. An involuntarily little moan rumbles in her throat when Ashlyn’s thigh slots between her legs. Her lips immediately captured in a heated kiss that leaves her dizzy and breathless even as her favorite voice husks in her ear.

“Exactly what I want, Harvard.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**February 10, 2021**

“When’s the last time it was just three of us here on a Wednesday night?” Ashlyn wonders out loud. Crystal is with Pierre at one of his work events, Ali and Nancy went together to a symposium about new techniques in couples counseling, and even though Sue is off tonight, she’s at dinner with one of her good friends that’s visiting.

“Definitely been a while.” Whitney replies as she sips her drink, not even sure herself.

“All I know is that I like it better when Hayseed is here.” Megan half pouts.

“I can’t tell if that was actually sweet or if you’re bitching cause she’s not here to serve you.” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow.

“Why can’t it be both?” Megan smirks.

“You are such a little shit.” Whitney tosses a pretzel at her.

“Please, she just acts like a little shit. We all know she’s gonna be the one bringing Sue breakfast in bed this weekend.” Ashlyn challenges.

“Actually we agreed we’d forgo major Valentine’s Day plans in favor of finishing up all our wedding stuff this weekend. Romantic in a different way really, but breakfast in bed is sure to win me some bonus points. Thanks for the tip, Butchie!” Megan gives Ashlyn an over the top smile.

“You know I got you, bitch.” Ashlyn chuckles even as Whitney rolls her eyes.

“Speaking of, what does the Ruby the Romance Master have in store for the lovely Dr. Love Sex Goddess?” Megan asks.

“Oh! That reminds me. Whit, can you cover the conference call with Kam and Adam on Friday afternoon?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

“Of course.” Whitney says easily.

“Holy titties, are you really kicking things off on Friday?!” Megan’s eyes bug out.

“Pretty much. We’re just going away for the weekend.” Ashlyn replies casually.

“Of fucking course you are. Probably flying to fucking Paris. Grand gesture is definitely your middle name.” Megan teases.

“It’s not even that.” Ashlyn explains. “For as much time as she and I get to spend together now, these past few weeks have just been kind of wild with all the friend introductions and navigating what feels like a whole new world together. It’s been incredible, but I think we both feel a little wiped out. So, I thought it would be nice to get away from the city and everything. You know, just slow down with some quality time alone.”

“Hold up, Sherlock.” Whitney eyes Ashlyn knowingly. “When you say away from the city…” She prompts with great interest. The first couple of years they were in NYC, Ashlyn would get overwhelmed every so often with the daily bustle of everything. When that happened, she’d just take off to a rental cabin in the middle of the mountains for a few days to recharge and reset herself. Not only has it been a long time since Ashlyn has done that, but she’s definitely never taken anyone with her.

“Yep, middle-of-nowhere.” Ashlyn smiles in confirmation.

“Quality time indeed.” Whitney smirks. “Does she know where you’re going?”

“Nope. It’s a surprise. And really a surprise because I’ve never even told her about the place.” Ashlyn replies.

“And you can be as loud as you want out there, cause ain’t nobody gonna hear you! Get it, butch!” Megan clinks her drink with Ashlyn’s.

“Leave it to you to go there.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Anyway, what are you and Ryan doing? Fancy ass dinner as usual?” She looks at Whitney.

“As usual.” Whitney nods. “Also I’m pretty sure I’m getting engaged.” She adds coolly, laughing when Megan spits out a sip of her drink even while Ashlyn chokes a bit on her whiskey.

“Seriously?” Ashlyn manages to question through her coughing.

“Seriously.” Whitney answers.

“C’mon, get out. How could you possibly know that?” Megan asks incredulously. “Did he hint?”

“Not really. Last week, I got home and he was on the phone with my parents. I wouldn’t have thought much of it because they call all the time and talk to him. But he like jumped up off the couch all suspiciously and made a big show of telling my parents that they didn’t have to call back now because I just got home. Anyway, so I talk to them for like 10 minutes, and then because of the way he acted all weird, I checked the call log…he had been on the phone with them for almost an hour. Also, it showed that he called them.” Whitney explains.

“Ok, but your birthday is in just over a month. How do you know he wasn’t making birthday plans?” Ashlyn offers a reasonable alternative.

“Oh, I’m not done.” Whitney keeps going. “Monday night he tells me that we have a dinner reservation for Haven Rooftop on Valentine’s Day, which we all know is my favorite. I ask him what time and he says 8pm, but that he’ll meet me at 6:30pm somewhere. So, I ask him where we’re meeting and he says it’s a surprise and he’ll tell me when I need to know.”

“Just sounds like typical Ryan romance to me.” Megan shrugs.

“I’m with her on that.” Ashlyn agrees.

“Still not done.” Whitney rolls her eyes. “Last night I’m trying to find a rubber band to hold the lid on a Tupperware container that doesn’t close right, so I go into his home office to look for one…”

“Bitch, you were snooping!” Megan interrupts.

“I was not!” Whitney says defensively.

“Rubber band my ass, you were totally poking around in his office!” Ashlyn shoots Whitney a knowing look.

“Ugh, fine! I was half snooping, happy?” Whitney concedes with a huff.

“Mhmmm.” Ashlyn replies in an exaggerated hum.

“I’ll be happier when you get to the fucking point, uptight CTO.” Megan crosses her arms.

“Well if you shut your damn mouth for like five seconds, geez.” Whitney quips back. “Anyway, I find a little Valentine’s Day card on his desk that’s half written and tells me to meet him at the top of the Empire State Building at 6:30pm.” She tells them. “_Sleepless in Seattle_ is the first movie we watched together because it’s my favorite and he knows I think that whole Empire State building on Valentine’s Day scene is the most romantic thing ever.”

“You’re so lame. And I’m still not over the fact that you snooped through his shit and read the card!” Megan exclaims.

“Oh my god, forget the damn card and focus! He talked to my parents, he made reservations for a fancy dinner at my favorite place, he’s having me meet him at the top of the Empire State building on Valentine’s Day…am I wrong here?” Whitney asks more desperately.

“You are so not wrong. Proposal coming in hot!” Ashlyn smiles as she thinks over Ryan’s plan. “Men are so…simple. Sweet. But simple as fuck.”

“Right?! Cheeeesy!” Megan agrees.

“So simple and so cheesy.” Whitney concedes with laughter. “Is it still going to completely blow me away anyway because it’s him and it’ll be perfect? Absolutely.”

“Awww, Watson.” Ashlyn leans over and pulls her into a side hug. “So happy for you, truly. You ready for all this?” She asks more seriously.

“I’ve been ready for over a damn year now!” Whitney chortles. “A few more days won’t kill me. Now I just have to act really surprised.”

“Look at your uptight ass actually doing shit on the sly! They grow up so fast.” Megan pats Whitney on the back and pretends to wipe a tear in her eye. “I’m thrilled for you, Whit. Really.” She says sweetly before a signature grin grows on her face. “Assuming you’re actually right and you don’t end up looking like a presumptuous fool at the top of the Empire State building in a few days…cause, whew crash and burn potential is high, bitch!”

“Can’t say anything nice without ruining it, can you?” Whitney glares at her.

“As much as I think you’re right, Pinoe has a point. There’s always the very slim chance that he’s up to something else, so go in level-headed just in case.” Ashlyn cautions.

“When do I ever actually not go into something level-headed?” Whitney tosses back, knowing damn well she’s going to prepare herself for any possible outcome.

“Just making sure.” Ashlyn smiles.

“I’m just wondering…do you think marriage will loosen you up a bit or is that stick gonna get even further up your uptight ass?” Megan taps her chin and pretends to seriously consider it.

“I don’t know why we’re friends.” Whitney makes a face at her.

“Because I’ll be bringing you a big ol’ bottle of the best bourbon on Monday morning that will be perfect for either celebrating or drowning disappointment.” Megan replies. “Also, cause I’ll be the best maid of honor ever.”

“While I love you for the bourbon, you’ll be lucky if you make it as flower girl.” Whitney plays back.

“Biiitch, yes! Flower girl!” Megan bouncing up and down in her chair while she claps her hands.

“That was a mistake.” Ashlyn tells Whitney with a chuckle.

“Huge, huge mistake.” Whitney downs the rest of her drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on how their friends/family are coming together?
> 
> Also, let me know if you're still enjoying the pace here. When I asked what you wanted to see in this story a while back, most of you asked for me to spend some time on these new relationship experiences/friend interactions for the two of them. So, I want to make sure you're liking it, because I can always make adjustments.


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